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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stephane.

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Speaker 1: Never told you protection of I Heart Radio. So before

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Speaker 1: we get into this, one quick housekeeping note. By the

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Speaker 1: end of May, we are here in Atlanta moving our office.

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Speaker 1: You're moving out of Pont City Market, uh, and we

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Speaker 1: will start new journeys elsewhere, even though Samantha and I

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Speaker 1: are largely working from home. To be fair, I've never

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Speaker 1: had an office there. I would just sit at the

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Speaker 1: main table and look around. And when someone asked me

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Speaker 1: if I wanted to desk, I just said, no, I

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Speaker 1: don't want people to see me. That's about right, That's

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Speaker 1: about all right. I have an office and it's chaotic.

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Speaker 1: Well it's a desk in an open space, which is

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Speaker 1: what we had. It's chaotic and I have to go

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Speaker 1: clear it out and it's causing some stress. But it'll

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Speaker 1: be fine. It'll be fine. But I mentioned it because

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Speaker 1: some of you very kind listeners occasionally send us things,

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Speaker 1: and we are moving our address. So if you are interested,

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Speaker 1: it's never an obligation, but always a pleasure to receive

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Speaker 1: stuff from you all. If you if you'd like to

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Speaker 1: send us something, UH, just email us or contact us

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Speaker 1: somehow we'll get you the new address, which I'm still

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Speaker 1: not sure what it is, but we can find it. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if any really knows exactly the address

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Speaker 1: because it's still being set up. It's true as a place,

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Speaker 1: so who knows. Who knows if people keep asking, oh,

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Speaker 1: where are you going to? My own? Especially? Do know?

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Speaker 1: I went over and looked at it, but it's obviously

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Speaker 1: being currently built for us. But the whole space is

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Speaker 1: definitely one of those uh, work, live, eat spaces. That

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Speaker 1: other thing. I think you said it something I don't know.

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Speaker 1: You're not wrong. I'm sure that's been used somewhere. It's

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Speaker 1: got an enormous food all that's for sure. It's delicious,

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Speaker 1: I will say that. Okay, Well, if we ever make

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Speaker 1: it over there, I'm sure plenty of food will be had. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So just some quick housekeeping and now let us get

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Speaker 1: into this episode, which is a book club pick that

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Speaker 1: we are doing on Michelle is Honors book Crying in

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Speaker 1: Smart and just right off the bat, this one has

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Speaker 1: a lot to do with grief and loss of a parent,

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Speaker 1: like a lot if that is something that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to hear about right now and totally understand it

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Speaker 1: is pretty intense. Also, as we're going to talk about,

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Speaker 1: this was an interesting one for Samantha and I because

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Speaker 1: it was triggering for us in different ways. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: there's stuff about identity in there, Um that was pretty

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Speaker 1: upsetting for you, and stuff about grief that was upsetting me.

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Speaker 1: It's a fantastic book, though, like, don't let that scare

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Speaker 1: you away, but go in armed with the knowledge. It

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Speaker 1: gives you all the fields um auld say. And it

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Speaker 1: definitely is a somber note because she's so real, so

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Speaker 1: raw with it um and just bears it all essentially,

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Speaker 1: including her relationship with her father and her relationship with

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Speaker 1: her Korean family and her mom. Obviously, it just kind

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Speaker 1: of like the things that we've been going down recently,

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Speaker 1: especially during this API Heritage Month, a lot of emotional

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Speaker 1: trauma and bonding and forgiveness with parents and children, specifically mothers.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of that theme happening in this one

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Speaker 1: as well. I guess it's forever like we we know,

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Speaker 1: we know when it comes to mother daughter relationships, there's

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Speaker 1: a whole different level in general and the expectations and

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Speaker 1: then culturally what is placed on you. So yeah, definitely

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Speaker 1: a lot of real human, real raw emotions with death

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Speaker 1: and grief on top of loss and kind of learning

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Speaker 1: to forgive yourself and others. It's a whole thing. It's

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Speaker 1: a whole It is a whole thing, indeed, and we

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Speaker 1: have a lot to say about it. The plot most

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Speaker 1: simply chronicles Michelle's relationship with her mother before and after

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Speaker 1: she dies of cancer in her fifties. And Michelle was

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Speaker 1: born in Seoul to an American father and Korean mother,

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Speaker 1: and they immigrated to Portland, Oregon when Michelle was a

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Speaker 1: year old, and the relationship between Michelle and her mom

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Speaker 1: was complicated and full of misunderstandings. And only after her

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Speaker 1: mother's cancer diagnosis and death does Michelle fully realize how

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Speaker 1: much food, and specifically Korean food was her mother's way

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Speaker 1: of expressing love and kind of looking back on their

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Speaker 1: relationship and understanding it differently. Um and yeah, it's an

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Speaker 1: examination of grief, music, love, mother daughter relationships and identity.

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Speaker 1: And yes, food, lots of food, lots of cravings were

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Speaker 1: had and as a title, crying in h s Mart.

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Speaker 1: I have never been to h Mart despite many efforts

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Speaker 1: and longing to go for many many years. But you

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Speaker 1: have right, so I'm just like any store that is

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Speaker 1: specific to a cultural group or ethnicity, they are located

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Speaker 1: in those areas. Um And for us, I'm sure because

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Speaker 1: h Mart is a national international market, hours are placed

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Speaker 1: into the heavily uh Asian immigration populations. So what we

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Speaker 1: called Bufford Highway has one and it's fairly new. Further

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Speaker 1: up there's a place called Sugar Loved Parkway that has

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Speaker 1: a giant one as well. I think they have the

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Speaker 1: super h martin it's huge. Essentially, these are I think

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Speaker 1: people everyone should know. These are Asian markets specialized with

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Speaker 1: all the foods that you cannot find typically in an

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Speaker 1: American grocery store. Um And yeah, it's been a whole

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Speaker 1: discovery and it's amazing. It is a trip down if

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Speaker 1: a different cultural lane. And we're gonna talk about it

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Speaker 1: in a minute. But for me, it was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: is this reminiscent? Do I remember what these are? What

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Speaker 1: are these things? Are they familiar? And yeah I did

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Speaker 1: have moments of like okay, okay, this is familiar and

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Speaker 1: a panic of course, but we'll talk about that in

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Speaker 1: a minute. And they are pristine, typically, they are pristine.

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Speaker 1: The ones I've been to have been very pristine and

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Speaker 1: very organized, and you go down and you can get

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Speaker 1: your gu and goji chung down that way fish sauce,

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Speaker 1: and this one took on the other side, and they

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Speaker 1: typically have a food hall um and I have found

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Speaker 1: my favorite Korean restaurant with two which I love this

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Speaker 1: description in the book where they talk about the Korean

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Speaker 1: women with the visors, because yes, that's exactly what they

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Speaker 1: are wearing, and because it's the pandemic to they typically

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Speaker 1: wear masks and gloves, rushing and yelling at people to

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Speaker 1: come get their food. It's chaos and it's wonderful. But

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Speaker 1: have the best types of food. Honestly, probably some of

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Speaker 1: the best Korean food I've ever had, just ordering it

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Speaker 1: at the market and leaving. They also have the kitchen

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Speaker 1: new Korean food, so the mochi donuts they have those there,

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Speaker 1: the Korean corn dogs, which are typically uh deep fried

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Speaker 1: with something on it. So I've had the ones with

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Speaker 1: the potatoes, which is delicious with a hot dog and

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Speaker 1: the mazzarella cheese in it. And my partner with the

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Speaker 1: other day, so there was one a little closer to

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Speaker 1: us and he got a hot dog and the Korean

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Speaker 1: woman was like, you want sugar and he was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, and she's like, no, you do, you

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Speaker 1: want sugar? And so she added which is sounds a

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Speaker 1: Korean wave this is and she was like this is

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Speaker 1: the Korean way and he's like, okay, okay, I got you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: let's do this. Uh And it was delicious. But yeah.

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Speaker 1: So it is a wide array of an experience in

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Speaker 1: finding these different foods and things that you can't typically

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Speaker 1: find anywhere. I will say the things that you find

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Speaker 1: there are going to be cheaper then you find in

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Speaker 1: a regular grocery store. So if it's a specialty that

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Speaker 1: you can't find and you somehow get it at Publix,

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Speaker 1: it's probably gonna be three or four times more. So.

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Speaker 1: For example, I've gotten really into getting making bunchons and

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Speaker 1: which is our Korean appetizers or Korean a small dishes

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Speaker 1: side dishes. And one of my favorites is, uh the

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Speaker 1: bean sprout one. I made you try to taste it.

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Speaker 1: I was like, taste this in the cucumber one, It's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you must have this. Um. But like getting bean sprouts,

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Speaker 1: actual bean sprouts, I can get like a pound to

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Speaker 1: three pounds uh, And for like, while getting a half

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Speaker 1: a pound of not really good quality at public was

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Speaker 1: like six bucks. So things like that, you're like, it's

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Speaker 1: worth going to this and getting all the different types

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Speaker 1: of noodles that I love and like just pretty much

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Speaker 1: live off of. But yeah, it is. It is a feast,

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Speaker 1: and I feel like I have to go and try

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Speaker 1: new things every time I go, try specific things. I

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Speaker 1: have been watching all the different TikTok's about people going

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Speaker 1: to h Mart, and I'm finding my new favorites and

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Speaker 1: things that never actually tried to things that I have tried,

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Speaker 1: and learning how to use the products. So it's a

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Speaker 1: great experience. Uh we I go way too much, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm excited because I'm actually moving a little sort to them.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, but yeah, if you've never gone, take that

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Speaker 1: chance to experience a little different from the everyday culture

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Speaker 1: of those who know it. Some people have been sending

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Speaker 1: us stuff from there for a while now, I think,

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Speaker 1: or from an Asian specialty store, and thank you. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: that it is a delight. It sounds wonderful, um, and

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Speaker 1: there are great descriptions of it in the book that

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Speaker 1: sort of open it. So we wanted to read this

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Speaker 1: a long quote so it starts Smart is a supermarket

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Speaker 1: chain that specializes in Asian food. The H stands for

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Speaker 1: Hannah Room, a Korean phrase that roughly translate to one

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Speaker 1: armful of groceries. H Smart is where the parachute kids

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Speaker 1: flocked to find the brand of instant noodles that reminds

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Speaker 1: them of home. It's where Korean families by rice cakes

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Speaker 1: to make talk cook the beef and rice cakes soup

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Speaker 1: that brings in the new year. Is the one place

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Speaker 1: where you can find a giant vat of peeled garlic,

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Speaker 1: because it's the only place that truly understands how much

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Speaker 1: garlic you'll need for the kind of food your people eat. Yes,

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Speaker 1: so much, so much garlic. H Martin is freedom from

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Speaker 1: the single aisle ethnic section in regular grocery stores. They

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Speaker 1: don't prop goya beans, next two bottles of sarracha. Here. Instead,

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Speaker 1: you'll likely find me crying by the bonch on refrigerators,

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Speaker 1: remembering the taste about Mom's soy sauce eggs and cold

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Speaker 1: radish soup, or in the freezer section holding a stack

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Speaker 1: of Dublin skins, thinking of all the hours that Mom

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Speaker 1: and I spent in the kitchen table folding minced pork

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Speaker 1: and chives into the thin dough, sobbing near the dry goods,

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Speaker 1: asking myself, am I even Korean anymore? If there's no

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Speaker 1: one left to call and ask which brand of seaweed

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Speaker 1: we used to buy? Yeah, And I'm not gonna lie

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Speaker 1: that this whole moment when she talks about uh, not

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Speaker 1: feeling Korean anymore because she had no link to it

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Speaker 1: since her mother had passed away, that was That's kind

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Speaker 1: of the feeling in general, like searching, googling, feeling the

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Speaker 1: shame of googling brands because I don't know outside of

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Speaker 1: the tastes and memories that I had as a child,

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Speaker 1: and trying to come back to it without falling out

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Speaker 1: with the trauma trigger and and getting into my identity

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Speaker 1: because I've talked about this before and I repeatedly talked

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Speaker 1: about it, and I think people will understand food sensory

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Speaker 1: is really heavy in our lives and it really brings

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Speaker 1: up a lot for us, whether it's a moment of

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Speaker 1: good or bad or comfort or any of those things.

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Speaker 1: Um and trying to readjust my emotional and mental state

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Speaker 1: of being to trying to enjoy something that I don't

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Speaker 1: know if I'm allowed to enjoy it's a whole thing,

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Speaker 1: and going into stores and seeing myself as fake, afraid

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Speaker 1: that someone will see me, Like watching the Asian women

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Speaker 1: coming through Russialy get annoyed by me because I'm standing

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Speaker 1: in front of something that They're like, no, this is

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Speaker 1: this is what I need to getting into my way.

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Speaker 1: They don't care. They pushed me out, and that's fine.

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Speaker 1: I love it. But that's exactly that panic of like,

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Speaker 1: oh God, what am I doing here? Am I worthy

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Speaker 1: of being here? Um? Because I can't identify with this

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Speaker 1: UM trying to re establish a connection and I know

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Speaker 1: she and I came about it in different forms, and

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Speaker 1: Nicole Chung and I talked about it previously and trying

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Speaker 1: to figure this out because she had finally made her

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Speaker 1: connection with her Korean family and they were teaching her

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Speaker 1: these things. UM, I still don't have that, and trying

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Speaker 1: to figure that out at such a whole level. But

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Speaker 1: the underestimated feeling I was like, oh, I'm overwhelmed. I

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Speaker 1: didn't realize I was going to be overwhelmed in a

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Speaker 1: store which for so many love and honestly, it's kind

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Speaker 1: of been not fetishized, but glamorized now because you know,

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Speaker 1: Asian food has become popular, and I'm glad for it

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Speaker 1: because I wanted to be popular because I feel like,

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Speaker 1: finally I don't feel ashamed of trying to hide things,

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Speaker 1: and now I'm trying to claim it and I can't.

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Speaker 1: So there's a whole different thing, but it is. It's

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Speaker 1: a it's a weird jiposition on trying to love something

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Speaker 1: when I hated it, when I denied it, and now

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Speaker 1: I can't remember it and don't know if I'm worthy

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Speaker 1: of it. It's the whole thing. And so having that

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Speaker 1: feeling of panic, not necessarily of sobbing. Don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 1: I've come home sobbing and being triggered as a whole level.

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Speaker 1: And I actually had an experience. So I was talking

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Speaker 1: about h Mart and telling you about the wonderful cooking

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Speaker 1: of these women. They were so sweet, giggling because you know,

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Speaker 1: it was such chaos, people were trying to get food.

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Speaker 1: We came at the busiest time, thinking that it wasn't

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Speaker 1: going to be busy, and when I was getting my food,

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Speaker 1: she was so nice. Never she never really spoke Korean

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Speaker 1: to me, which I was grateful for because I was

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Speaker 1: panicked that she would and I would have to identify myself,

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Speaker 1: which is also in the book as not being able

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Speaker 1: to speak Korean, that what I got to say come

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Speaker 1: to Amnida. I ran away before she could respond to

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Speaker 1: me because I was trying to do it, saying quickly,

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Speaker 1: because I really felt that was a huge step for

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Speaker 1: me to even try any any type of Korean, because

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Speaker 1: I have not spoken it since seven years old and

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Speaker 1: I cannot remember for the life of me how to

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Speaker 1: speak it. But there's a level of panic of trying

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Speaker 1: to figure this out and still really hoping that I

255
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Speaker 1: could fake my way through it and not Ruin my moment,

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Speaker 1: I felt nice, I did do it. I ran away.

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Speaker 1: I sat down and told my partner, who was American

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Speaker 1: that he was like, oh good, I was like, I

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Speaker 1: feel I was like, I don't know, i'velucked out, which

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Speaker 1: this is the way how I felt. Yeah. I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's so much in this in this book, um that

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Speaker 1: when I was reading it, I thought of you, because

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Speaker 1: you've told me these kinds of things before. But it

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Speaker 1: can be food can be uh such a powerful source

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Speaker 1: of memory that can be very triggering, and so it

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Speaker 1: makes sense to me like stores can be too. They

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Speaker 1: can have that like potential to be somewhere where you

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Speaker 1: can reconnect but also somewhere where you can get triggered.

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Speaker 1: Yeah makes sense. Okay. Another big theme are probably the

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Speaker 1: biggest theme. The heart of this, uh is the mother

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Speaker 1: daughter relationship, this kind of family relationship, and there's definitely

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Speaker 1: a lot of, Like I was kind of surprised, there

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Speaker 1: was a lot of like tough love and trying to

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Speaker 1: win guardians over. I guess I didn't think it was

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Speaker 1: gonna be this sounds like really ridiculous, but I thought

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Speaker 1: it was going to be like her mother died and

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Speaker 1: then kind of grappling with the thoughts and trying to

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Speaker 1: regain these memories and stuff. But it was much more

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Speaker 1: like long drawn out Yeah, it was painful. It was painful.

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Speaker 1: It literally delves into the start of her diagnosis to

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Speaker 1: the aftermath and playing every scene in between, and very

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Speaker 1: descriptive of her sickness at the time and how it

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Speaker 1: affected all of them, all of the family, and her

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Speaker 1: own drive and trying to be and we're gonna talk

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Speaker 1: about the perfect daughter, Yeah, exactly. So here's a quote

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Speaker 1: like many a kid trapped in a small city. I

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00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,600
Speaker 1: felt bored and then suffocated. By the time I was

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Speaker 1: in high school, the desire for independence, trailing a convoy

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Speaker 1: of insidious hormones had transformed me from a child who

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Speaker 1: couldn't bear to sleep without her mother into a teenager

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Speaker 1: who couldn't stand her touch. Every time she picked a

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Speaker 1: bottle of lint off my sweater, or pressed her hand

293
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,360
Speaker 1: between my shoulder blades to keep me from slouching, rubbed

294
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Speaker 1: her fingers on my forehead to ward off wrinkles, it

295
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,320
Speaker 1: felt like a hot iron puckering against my skin. Somehow,

296
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,560
Speaker 1: as if overnight every simple suggestion made me feel like

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00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,160
Speaker 1: I was overheating, and my resentment and sensitivity grew and

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00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,800
Speaker 1: grew until they bubbled up and exploded, and that in

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Speaker 1: an instant, uncontrollably, I'd ripped my body away and scream

300
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Speaker 1: stopped touching me. Can't you ever leave me alone? Maybe

301
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,880
Speaker 1: I want rank goals, Maybe I want reminders that I've

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00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,960
Speaker 1: lived my life, and I yeah, like you said, Samantha

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00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,240
Speaker 1: is she's so honest and I really connected with After

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Speaker 1: you lose somebody, you start going through like a roll,

305
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Speaker 1: the decks of everything you've done, and especially as a kid,

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00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,879
Speaker 1: because it's hard for you to admit I was a teenager,

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00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,520
Speaker 1: I was a kid. I was dealing with this stuff

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00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,800
Speaker 1: when it was kind of bratty or whatever it was

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00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:28,479
Speaker 1: in my case, like my grandparents, I was that. I

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00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,919
Speaker 1: wasn't like this quite but I was almost embarrassed to

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Speaker 1: hang out with them and I don't really know why.

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Speaker 1: And then they died and I look back on that

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Speaker 1: and I hate that. Okay, I hate that so much.

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Speaker 1: But their their relationship did have a lot of tension

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Speaker 1: and contention in arguments, high emotions in it. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I definitely remember being embarrassed around my mom for something,

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Speaker 1: but at the same time, uh, I also remember wishing

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Speaker 1: my parent was around more so they didn't come to

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Speaker 1: my much. They didn't, and don't get me wrong, it

320
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,040
Speaker 1: wasn't because they didn't want to. It's because they were busy.

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Speaker 1: I was one of four and things were happening very

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Speaker 1: quickly and they were very busy. My dad was constantly

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Speaker 1: gone to work. But I kind of wish I had

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Speaker 1: that embarrassment of them being present on things, uh, and

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00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,240
Speaker 1: felt proud when they did come around. But at the

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00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,680
Speaker 1: same time, I definitely could see like overbearing and be

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00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,600
Speaker 1: like no, no no, no, no no, nope, so I kind of

328
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,080
Speaker 1: had the opposite. So it's definitely a different thing. But

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Speaker 1: the regrets of like really wishing we could cherish it

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Speaker 1: more regrets and moving on it says. She says. My

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Speaker 1: mother looked at me as if I were a warm

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Speaker 1: and unfamiliar spec eating away at all her efforts. This

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00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:43,080
Speaker 1: was not the girl who clung to her sleeves in

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Speaker 1: the grocery store. This was not the girl who begged

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00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,560
Speaker 1: to sleep on the floor beside her bed with a

336
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,679
Speaker 1: phone to my ear. I stared back her defiantly, but

337
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,240
Speaker 1: when I heard a voice on the other end of

338
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,120
Speaker 1: the line, I panicked and hung up, so she tried

339
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,320
Speaker 1: calling up, calling nine one one. At this point, my

340
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,879
Speaker 1: mother took it as an opportunity to tackle me. She

341
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,320
Speaker 1: grabbed me by the four arms for the first time.

342
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,040
Speaker 1: We were locked together, wrestling to pin each other to

343
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,760
Speaker 1: the carpet. I tried to find her off, but discovered

344
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,399
Speaker 1: there was a physical place I would not go a strength.

345
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,399
Speaker 1: I knew I had to overtake her, but could not

346
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,119
Speaker 1: access I let her pin my wrist and climb on

347
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,800
Speaker 1: top of my stomach. Why are you doing this to

348
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,720
Speaker 1: us after everything we've given you. How can you treat

349
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,679
Speaker 1: us this way? She yelled, her tears and spit falling

350
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:28,200
Speaker 1: onto my face. She smelled like olive oil, incidrus. Her

351
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,119
Speaker 1: hands felt soft and slick, greased with cream. As they

352
00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:33,879
Speaker 1: pushed my wrist against the course carpet, The weight of

353
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,439
Speaker 1: her on me began to ache like a bruise. My

354
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 1: father hovered over us, unsure of his place in it all,

355
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,080
Speaker 1: searching for a reason why kids like me could wind

356
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,560
Speaker 1: up so miserable. I had an abortion after you because

357
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:49,280
Speaker 1: you were such a terrible child. So yeah, this whole

358
00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:54,000
Speaker 1: passage is happening. When they finally erupted and screaming started happening,

359
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,679
Speaker 1: and her mom was angry to the point that she

360
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,919
Speaker 1: was trying to get physically violent it, as well as

361
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,439
Speaker 1: trying to get her father involved to be physically violent.

362
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 1: And when that kind of threatened, she called nine would one,

363
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:12,040
Speaker 1: then hung up um And then that was the last expression,

364
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:16,480
Speaker 1: which obviously haunted her. Mm hmmm, it's about the book,

365
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,640
Speaker 1: which was haunting it in every way for sure, kind

366
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,480
Speaker 1: of like being told not nine parents never told me

367
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,720
Speaker 1: that they didn't never that they wish they didn't adopt me.

368
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:32,040
Speaker 1: My family, my siblings did though, mm hmmm mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah,

369
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,040
Speaker 1: And I think it's interesting that piece in there, because again,

370
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 1: like you said, there's kind of a trend in Hollywood

371
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,119
Speaker 1: right now, the similar thing where she the mother was

372
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,760
Speaker 1: trying to make her daughter into something. It was like

373
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,040
Speaker 1: putting all this focus onto her and it was sort

374
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,920
Speaker 1: of the like it wasn't working because that's not who

375
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 1: she was. Right. Here's another quote. Now, more than ever,

376
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,640
Speaker 1: I wish desperately for a way to transfer pain, which

377
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,320
Speaker 1: I could prove to my mother just how much I

378
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,560
Speaker 1: loved her, that I could just crawl into her hospital

379
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 1: cut and press my body close enough to absorb her burden.

380
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 1: It seemed only fair that life should present such an

381
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,639
Speaker 1: opportunity to proof one's filial piety, That the months my

382
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: mother had been a vessel for me, her organs shifting

383
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,119
Speaker 1: and cramping together to make room for my existence, and

384
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,880
Speaker 1: the agony she'd endured upon my exit could be repaid

385
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,439
Speaker 1: by carrying this pain in her place. The right of

386
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,080
Speaker 1: an only daughter. Yeah, and that goes back to like

387
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,639
Speaker 1: what we talked about with the dutiful daughter. Um, And

388
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,440
Speaker 1: there's obviously intersectional layers to this too, kind of that pressure,

389
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 1: and I I felt that. And I've also just felt

390
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,800
Speaker 1: like guilty for a new pain that I've caused. And

391
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,560
Speaker 1: I've had this similar thing like how can I make

392
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,840
Speaker 1: it up? I could never make it up. Um, but yeah,

393
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,600
Speaker 1: I just resonated. Yeah. And then I wanted to include

394
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 1: this because then you get kind of get to see

395
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:52,440
Speaker 1: the how their relationship evolves. So this is the mother.

396
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,000
Speaker 1: You know what, I realized, I've just never met someone

397
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,400
Speaker 1: like you, as if I were a stranger from another town,

398
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,679
Speaker 1: or an eccentric guest accompanying a mutual friend to a

399
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,919
Speaker 1: dinner party. It was a strange thought to hear from

400
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,639
Speaker 1: the mouth of the woman who had birds and raised me,

401
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,919
Speaker 1: with whom I shared at home for eighteen years, someone

402
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,159
Speaker 1: who was half of me. My mother had struggled to

403
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,200
Speaker 1: understand me, just as I struggled to understand her. Thrown

404
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:16,520
Speaker 1: as we were on opposite sides of a fault line generational, cultural, linguistic,

405
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600
Speaker 1: we wandered lost without a reference point, each of us

406
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,120
Speaker 1: unintelligible to the other's expectations. Until these past few years,

407
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,879
Speaker 1: when he had just begun to unlock the mystery carved

408
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,120
Speaker 1: the psychic space to accommodate each other, appreciate the differences

409
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:33,120
Speaker 1: between us linger and our refracted commonalities. Then what would

410
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,360
Speaker 1: have been the most fruitful years of understanding were cut

411
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,040
Speaker 1: violently short, and I was left alone to decipher the

412
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 1: secrets of inheritance without its key. Uh. I love that

413
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,320
Speaker 1: take about the stranger because it's true no matter how

414
00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 1: you raise someone and how you might know of the

415
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:52,120
Speaker 1: past and what they were and who they were and

416
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,520
Speaker 1: the ins and outs, but when it comes down to

417
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,520
Speaker 1: the adult version, which you can't control, no one can control,

418
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 1: they are a separate person, that's separate being, And you

419
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 1: know that level of conversation of like, oh, it's nice

420
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: to meet you again. Essentially, it's kind of that conversation

421
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:12,399
Speaker 1: and accepting that instead of trying to control that as

422
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: a whole different level. When you do, you do have

423
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: a moment of like, Okay, I have to reframe how

424
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,800
Speaker 1: I think of you, and so this is how I

425
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 1: will interact with you. But yeah, it took distance to

426
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:28,560
Speaker 1: get some to this point. Yeah, and I think that

427
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,320
Speaker 1: it's natural for I say this as someone who's not

428
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 1: a parent, but to me, I feel like it's probably

429
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,199
Speaker 1: natural too, because I fantasized about having children, but to

430
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,800
Speaker 1: imagine how they're going to grow up. Right, there's a

431
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,719
Speaker 1: part of that where you're like, oh, they're gonna go

432
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,879
Speaker 1: do this and do this, and I'm gonna provide so

433
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,120
Speaker 1: that they can do this. And then maybe they want

434
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,520
Speaker 1: like totally not that thing. I'm sure could be hard.

435
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,479
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that can definitely be hard to let go

436
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 1: and accept for sure, right, um, and it goes on.

437
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 1: She was my champion, She was my archive. She had

438
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 1: taken the utmost care to preserve the evidence of my

439
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: existence and growth, capturing me and images, saving all my

440
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,280
Speaker 1: documents and possessions. She had all knowledge of my being

441
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 1: memorized the time I was born. My Unborn Cravings, the

442
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 1: first book I read, the formation of every characteristic, every element,

443
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 1: and little victory. She observed me with unparalleled interest, inexhaustible devotion.

444
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:24,399
Speaker 1: So that's sort of the flip side, right. You know,

445
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,919
Speaker 1: when you get older, you realize you didn't know everything

446
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:32,000
Speaker 1: about your parents or your guardians either. We've definitely talked

447
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,200
Speaker 1: about that before, about the fact that we discovered things like, oh,

448
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,680
Speaker 1: this is what my parents were doing. This is kind

449
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 1: of an insight of how they what they thought of me,

450
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,080
Speaker 1: or who they thought mad be um. I know. She

451
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,959
Speaker 1: talks about the fact that her CD was found in

452
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,640
Speaker 1: her mom's a player, as well as the fact that

453
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,679
Speaker 1: her mom and she never really talked about that and

454
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,440
Speaker 1: that was a big point of contention between the two

455
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,680
Speaker 1: of them, but her mom was still proud and still

456
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,600
Speaker 1: supported that, and it is it's not iced to see.

457
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:02,960
Speaker 1: I think about that sometimes with my own childhood and like,

458
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 1: I don't have those things. I don't have any of

459
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 1: those memories for me, and I feel lost. I feel

460
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 1: like I've lost something in that. So when I hear it,

461
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, jealousy, But it was still nice to see, like,

462
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,920
Speaker 1: because I'm sure my famorite my mother has kept much

463
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,520
Speaker 1: as she could. A lot of it burned actually, but

464
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,639
Speaker 1: she did do a scrap book for me just so

465
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 1: that she had that, and it's nice to see, Yeah,

466
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,239
Speaker 1: my mom did that to for for all of us,

467
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,400
Speaker 1: and that for some reason. I mean, occasionally I get

468
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,880
Speaker 1: more bid and I imagine, you know, sort of necessary,

469
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,120
Speaker 1: but imagine what's gonna happen after she dies, And I

470
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 1: keep thinking, like, if I find those books, it's gonna

471
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: rick meeting. Yeah, I mean, anytime when you go through

472
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:53,440
Speaker 1: some one's things and the long memories m ordeal. It

473
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,240
Speaker 1: is one thing we're not gonna go to in depth

474
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,520
Speaker 1: in this, but I did what I've mentioned. UM. We

475
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 1: also get to see a lot of relationships with other

476
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 1: women on her mother's side of the family UM. And

477
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 1: we also get to see her friendships with other women,

478
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,560
Speaker 1: and it was really nice. She had a good support

479
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 1: group UM and they had a system in place. There

480
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 1: was some drama, but it was there's a lot of

481
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,280
Speaker 1: women involved with my caring for her in her life, right. Yeah.

482
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,919
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that had to do with

483
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 1: connecting to our culture that she was afraid she was

484
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,000
Speaker 1: going to lose and not be able to teach. We

485
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: know that the friend that she made in Japan who

486
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: helped her do the dishes UH meaning food cooking food

487
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,000
Speaker 1: and came and supported her and got to control UM

488
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,959
Speaker 1: and felt the source of UH ownership over her a

489
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,480
Speaker 1: little bit. And if it's familiar, there's a lot of

490
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,440
Speaker 1: Korean culture and that the women being the matriarch and

491
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:53,920
Speaker 1: taking over being an only meaning the sisters that they

492
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: had that they never had, or the sisters that it's

493
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: not close, So it's as a deep relationship and we've

494
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 1: seen it in any times when it comes to Asian conversations.

495
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,439
Speaker 1: We saw it and turning red as the aunts came in,

496
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 1: not necessarily to be the mother's friend, but they are

497
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,920
Speaker 1: as a crew. We saw it enjoy Luck Club, where

498
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,520
Speaker 1: the women really supported each other because it is a

499
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: very like male female gendered specifics and your trust the

500
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 1: people that are close to you and specifically your gender,

501
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,880
Speaker 1: all those things. So I feel like it was very

502
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,000
Speaker 1: culturally along the lines of who she was and what

503
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 1: she missed. Yeah, yeah, I agreed. And then we wanted

504
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,880
Speaker 1: to talk about adolescence, which is a pretty big theme

505
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,959
Speaker 1: in here. It's sort of as we mentioned in one

506
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 1: of the other quotes, when Michelle was younger, she was

507
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:40,919
Speaker 1: really close with her mom, and then kind of adolescence

508
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,880
Speaker 1: came in and they just kind of fractured. And she's

509
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,439
Speaker 1: really open with high school depression, which I appreciated and

510
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 1: related to. Yep, I remember this. Here's a quote. She

511
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,560
Speaker 1: doubled down morphing into a towering obelisk that shadowed my

512
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 1: every move. She needled me over my weight, the width

513
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 1: of my eyeliner, at the state of my breakout and

514
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,439
Speaker 1: my lack of commitment to the toners and exfolience she

515
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 1: ordered for me from QBC. Everything I wore was an argument.

516
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to shut my bedroom door after school

517
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 1: when my friends would head to one another's houses for

518
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,920
Speaker 1: weekday sleepovers. I was whisked away to extracurriculars, then stuck

519
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 1: in the woods that left to grumble alone in my

520
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 1: room with the door left open. I think a lot

521
00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:22,840
Speaker 1: of us can to relate to this. I certainly could.

522
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: My parents weren't disintense, but I had like you couldn't

523
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,439
Speaker 1: close the door if I had a man a dude

524
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,280
Speaker 1: over for sure, but sometimes my friends too. And I

525
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,719
Speaker 1: didn't really have this makeup thing, but I had the

526
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 1: comments about my clothes and turned back around. So I

527
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 1: not really dealt with that necessarily because I did not dress.

528
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: I was always insecure my body, so I never dressed

529
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,600
Speaker 1: in that way at any point in time. My mom

530
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 1: was very cautious on teaching me about makeup and such

531
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 1: because she didn't want me to wear too much makeup.

532
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: So very conservative, very conservative. So if I law like

533
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 1: understood all that. When I did get concerned about my acne,

534
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:03,080
Speaker 1: she did take me to dermatologists like that's which is

535
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: surprising me now and stuff like that. But we did

536
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 1: have the drool about leaving the door. Ope. But no

537
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 1: matter what, So it wasn't because I really had boys over.

538
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: That was not a thing for me. Um. But typically yeah,

539
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 1: they at least cracked. I'm not sure if it was

540
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: for circulation or for privacy stuff. I'm not positive indeed. Well,

541
00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 1: here's where the music comes in. Into the vacuum of

542
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 1: my disinterest. Music rushed to fill the void. It cracked

543
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,040
Speaker 1: a fissure, splintered a vein through the already precarious and

544
00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: widening rift between my mother and me. It would become

545
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 1: a chasm that threatened to swallow his whole. Nothing was

546
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: as vital as music, the only comfort for my existential dread.

547
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 1: I spent my days downloading songs one at a time

548
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 1: off Lime Wire and getting into heated discussions on a

549
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 1: I AM about whether the Food Fighter's acoustic version of

550
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: ever Long was better than the original. I pocketed my

551
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:55,760
Speaker 1: allowance and lunch money to spend exclusively on CDs from

552
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 1: House of Records, analyzing lyrics in the liner notes, obsessing

553
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 1: over interviews with the Champion specific Northwest Indie rock memorizing

554
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 1: the rosters of labels like K Records and Killer rock Stars,

555
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: and plotting what concerts I'd attend. I threw this in

556
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:14,880
Speaker 1: partly because of nostalgic, because black used all that. I

557
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 1: found my iPod recently and I just found other being discontinuous,

558
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,200
Speaker 1: So I'm like, this is a good day. What do

559
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: I do with this? My partner looked at it, he

560
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:23,840
Speaker 1: was like, this has a camera on and like, oh, yeah,

561
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,479
Speaker 1: it has a camera on it. Oh. They were so

562
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,640
Speaker 1: hard to maneuver, though. I would Yeah, I would love

563
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 1: to show it to a youth, uh and just watch

564
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 1: them trying to figure it out. Yeah. Actually, I think

565
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 1: we found a charger, so we're going to try to

566
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,800
Speaker 1: charge mine. But yeah, trying to download songs. CD deals.

567
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 1: We get CD for a penny and then you have

568
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,960
Speaker 1: to subscribe, and you quickly unsubscribed, so you can just

569
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 1: get the one for the penny at a friend who

570
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 1: would burn these c ds and sell them illegally. You

571
00:30:55,640 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 1: did blue collar crime here? What is happening? I got

572
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 1: asked at a r a random person at a Zaxby's

573
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 1: once if I could if he could buy a CD

574
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 1: from me, and I was like oh, I've gone too far.

575
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,640
Speaker 1: I've got to shut this down. Strangers know about me.

576
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 1: My friend did the same thing and he made a

577
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: lot of money, talked about how much you man. I

578
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,200
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, really, I would never I

579
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 1: was not that kid. I could not do it. Also,

580
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 1: I didn't have a CD burner, so you know there's that, which,

581
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:24,600
Speaker 1: by the way, I found my partner had like Stax

582
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: and Sack subsidis, I think former computers, but it's to

583
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 1: burn stuff. And I was like, do you need this anymore?

584
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 1: Does anybody? So I'll say, I know you will going on,

585
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,640
Speaker 1: she says, But nothing impacted me so profoundly as the

586
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: first time I got my hands on a DVD of

587
00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:59,280
Speaker 1: the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Live at the Filmore. The front woman,

588
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 1: Karen Oh was the first icon of the music world

589
00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:05,479
Speaker 1: I worshiped who looked like me. She was half Korean

590
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 1: and half white, with an unrivaled showmanship that obliterated the

591
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:13,400
Speaker 1: docile Asian stereotype. She was famous for wild onstage antics,

592
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: spitting water into the air, bounding across to the far

593
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,480
Speaker 1: edges of the stage, and deep throwing a microphone before

594
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,360
Speaker 1: last going it above her head by its cable a

595
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: gape at the image. I found myself in a strange

596
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: state of ambivalence, my first thought being how do I

597
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: get to do that? And my second if there's already

598
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 1: one Asian girl doing this, then there's no longer space

599
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:38,360
Speaker 1: for me. Back then, I didn't know what scarcity mentality was.

600
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:43,040
Speaker 1: The dialogue surrounding representation in music was in its nascent stages,

601
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 1: and because I didn't personally know any other girls who

602
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,239
Speaker 1: played music, I didn't know there were others like me

603
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: struggling with the same feelings. I didn't have the analogical

604
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 1: capacity to imagine a white boy in the same situation,

605
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 1: watching a live DVD of say the Stooges and thinking,

606
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 1: if there's our addie Iggy Pop, how could there possibly

607
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 1: be room for another white guy in music. Yeah, I'm

608
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,160
Speaker 1: not gonna lie. Everything about that hit me. Everything about that.

609
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: This is when I talked about I thought I wanted

610
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,680
Speaker 1: to be an actor at a young time, and I'm like, well,

611
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 1: they already have ABC. I think Lucy Lou was one

612
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 1: of them, and I'm like, I can't be as cool

613
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 1: as her. Um, not realizing there's more than one, that

614
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,200
Speaker 1: can be more than one Asian roles, but we see

615
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: it so often times, especially when it's whitewashed and cast

616
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: to white people looking kind of Asian. It is so

617
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,920
Speaker 1: insulting because I'm like, wait, you really are saying there's

618
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,680
Speaker 1: no room for Asian actors or Asian people to be upfront? Um,

619
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,360
Speaker 1: what is this? Like that whole like scarcity mentality and

620
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 1: the fact that we're competing with each other, not uplifting

621
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 1: each other, and having whole casts and movies made about it.

622
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:49,239
Speaker 1: What about just Asian families that's not real because they

623
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: are only sidekicks and we can't see them as main

624
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:58,000
Speaker 1: characters or being singers. No, you know, like having K

625
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 1: pop was big but still not as big as what

626
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:02,560
Speaker 1: it is today. I feel like I know it was around,

627
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 1: but it still wasn't taken seriously as rock or any like.

628
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,479
Speaker 1: And and even let's just kind of that conversation about

629
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 1: pop music and being not as cool as rock or grunge,

630
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 1: but having Asian people being representations for that, that's unheard of.

631
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: That's unheard of. And when you see something you clean

632
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,480
Speaker 1: to that identity. I went, oh my god, there's something

633
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: this looks kind of like you know what I talked

634
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: about Ben Like Beckham, we are not from the same country,

635
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,120
Speaker 1: we're not in the same ethnicity, but still I felt

636
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:35,600
Speaker 1: a little scene because here is a brown Asian woman

637
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: taking on the main character role and not just the

638
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: psychic and I'm like, what and their families coming in

639
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:48,839
Speaker 1: to be main plot lines and having really deep understanding

640
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:53,760
Speaker 1: interesting tradition and really having a depth to the character

641
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: and families. You're like, what, No, is that for real?

642
00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 1: And having that what kind of how it kind of

643
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:05,320
Speaker 1: shocks you into the reality of like, oh, okay, maybe

644
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,560
Speaker 1: mm hmmm. And that's something we've talked about before that

645
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:14,760
Speaker 1: holds scarcity mentality and how bad it is UM another

646
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:17,720
Speaker 1: thing we wanted to talk about. This was just something

647
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,279
Speaker 1: I found interesting that was throughout the book is sort

648
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 1: of this focus on appearances that her mother had UM.

649
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,000
Speaker 1: So here's a quote. She was obsessed with appearances and

650
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 1: spent hours watching QVC. She phoned in orders for cleansing conditioners,

651
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:36,800
Speaker 1: specialty toothpaste, and jars of caviar oil, scrubs, serums, moisturizers, toners,

652
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: and anti aging creams. She believed in QBC products with

653
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 1: the zeal of a conspiracy theorist. If you question, the

654
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:46,719
Speaker 1: legitimacy of a product she'd abrupt, and self defense. My

655
00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:50,120
Speaker 1: mom was wholeheartedly convinced that super small toothpaste made our

656
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 1: teeth five shades whiter, and Dr Denise's beautiful complexion three

657
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,719
Speaker 1: P skincare kit shaved ten years off our faces. Her

658
00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:01,120
Speaker 1: bathroom counter was an then full of glass pots and

659
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:04,319
Speaker 1: tinted jars. She dipped, dabbed, rubbed, padded, and smoothed onto

660
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,760
Speaker 1: her face religiously, following a tin steps skin care regiment

661
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,560
Speaker 1: that included a microcurrent wand for electrocuting wrinkles. Every night.

662
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 1: From the hall, I could hear the clapping of her

663
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,840
Speaker 1: palms against her cheeks and the hum of pulsing electricity

664
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,399
Speaker 1: supposedly tightening her pores as she zipped and zapped, then

665
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: applied layer after a layer of cream. You know, I

666
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:28,120
Speaker 1: think this is universal everybody just trying to be younger

667
00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: and that appearance and being very concerned about that in general.

668
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,319
Speaker 1: I don't know, We're gonna talk about hair, and we've

669
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:37,680
Speaker 1: talked about I've talked about my own concerns about hair.

670
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,560
Speaker 1: This is a whole different level, but like truly feeling

671
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:44,480
Speaker 1: like that's how worth and we need to keep it

672
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:48,200
Speaker 1: somehow and that if we will do whatever we can. Also,

673
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 1: my mom is a huge fan of QBC. I think

674
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: still really yeah. Every now and then I'll get something

675
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,800
Speaker 1: like this is from QVC and then she's like, okay,

676
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 1: it was a deal, and I'm like, why, thank you.

677
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: I don't want Marie Osmond's whatever new cooking Muten sold.

678
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: This is Um, I'm just kidding. But yeah, like I

679
00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 1: definitely say that. But q became an American like phenomenon.

680
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 1: Is that the way it really became a new way

681
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,280
Speaker 1: of buying. I guess it was a precursor to online buying. Yeah, yeah,

682
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,759
Speaker 1: And I think, yeah, again, this is interesting to me

683
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: because of the sometimes you have to step back and

684
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,960
Speaker 1: think about, oh, yeah, I do this kind of painful

685
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,560
Speaker 1: beauty regiment or I do this really long beauty regimen

686
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,440
Speaker 1: because we do feel like that is our worth and

687
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 1: we're told that is our worth. Um, and uh, I

688
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,359
Speaker 1: don't know. I just kind of stuck out to me

689
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 1: because when my dad got sick, she was doing this

690
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,480
Speaker 1: before he got she got sick, but um, my dad

691
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,400
Speaker 1: got sick, he started buying things like this too. Yeah,

692
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 1: and I remember it makes sense, but I remember kind

693
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:59,440
Speaker 1: of being like, oh, you know, we have all these

694
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:04,919
Speaker 1: different types of toothpaste and skin creams and all this stuff. Yeah,

695
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 1: it's the thing for sure, and yeah we go on.

696
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: In retrospect, I should have been able to hold up

697
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:13,480
Speaker 1: this information to my mother's obsession with beauty, to her

698
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,439
Speaker 1: affection for brand labels and all the hours she spent

699
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:20,040
Speaker 1: on skincare, and recognized the source of her attitude a

700
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,200
Speaker 1: legitimate cultural difference, rather than a caprice of her own

701
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 1: superficial nagging. Like food, beauty was an integral part of

702
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 1: her culture. Nowadays, South Korea has the highest rate of

703
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 1: cosmetic surgery and the world, with an estimated one in

704
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,520
Speaker 1: three women in their twenties having undergone some type of procedure,

705
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: and the seeds of that circumstance run deep in the

706
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:42,279
Speaker 1: language and the mores of the country. Every time I

707
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:44,920
Speaker 1: ate well or a bowed correctly to my elders, my

708
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:48,640
Speaker 1: relatives would say, I go yapp ail, yeah, b ale

709
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,919
Speaker 1: or pretty was frequently employed as a synonym for good

710
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,800
Speaker 1: or well behavior, and this fusion of moral aesthetic approval

711
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 1: was an early introduction to the valid of beauty and

712
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 1: the rewards it had in store. Um. Yeah, and it's true,

713
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 1: like we know that South Korea has some of the

714
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:10,520
Speaker 1: highest amounts of cosmetic products as well, to the point

715
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 1: that it's so popular in the US at this point

716
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,320
Speaker 1: in time, and some of the high selling products in

717
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:19,320
Speaker 1: most of the cosmetic stores like Sephora and Alta, and

718
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,680
Speaker 1: it kind of like, hey, this is the South Korean product,

719
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 1: you should use it because it gives it gives it

720
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 1: a little bit of validity. And I'm not gonna lie.

721
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: I definitely got caught up in them, like, oh, let

722
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 1: me see what this one is about. Does it have bleached?

723
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: I will not use it. A lot of products have

724
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,360
Speaker 1: bleached in it because you know, lighter skin colorism is

725
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: a thing, and that's part of that. Yeah. Yeah. And

726
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 1: again this is sort of another example of her learning

727
00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:44,320
Speaker 1: more about her mother and why it was important and

728
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 1: it was really painful to watch her mother lose that

729
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 1: through illness, and yet she does lose a lot of

730
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 1: her hair. Um, just when it was so important to her.

731
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,920
Speaker 1: And speaking of this brings us to the grief portion,

732
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:03,400
Speaker 1: which is a big theme. It is throughout. It starts

733
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:08,000
Speaker 1: and doesn't stop. Um. And I did relate so much

734
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 1: to a bunch of this, especially the guilts, like I said,

735
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:13,759
Speaker 1: of looking back at everything you did, Um, the desperation

736
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:18,359
Speaker 1: to be better, uh, to to make up, to make

737
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,800
Speaker 1: the relationship work, UM, to tell stories like there's a

738
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 1: part where she's Michelle's telling her mother like remember when

739
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: we did trying to cheer her up, And that's the

740
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 1: last thing I did. Me and my dad did as

741
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 1: because I was trying to cheer him up, wanting to

742
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:33,920
Speaker 1: get married before they die. I did consider it, and

743
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,960
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh, that's a terrible idea. It

744
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:40,359
Speaker 1: worked out okay for her, but it wouldn't have for me. Um.

745
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,759
Speaker 1: Always uh, trying to find something to look forward to.

746
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 1: So for instance, we would plan we planned this trip

747
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: to to Fino, Canada, which you always wanted to go to.

748
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 1: We kind of did that to like kind of give him,

749
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 1: you know, something to look forward to. So I keep fighting.

750
00:40:55,400 --> 00:41:00,400
Speaker 1: UM And yeah, definitely discovering stuff after they've died, like

751
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,319
Speaker 1: physical stuff, but also just stuff about them in their

752
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:05,240
Speaker 1: past that you didn't know and you're kind of shocked

753
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,720
Speaker 1: you didn't know. And then like all the medical equipment

754
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 1: in the house, the medical bed in the house, and

755
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,839
Speaker 1: I don't know trying to help them, and it's it's

756
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: just hard because you know they don't want to ask

757
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,440
Speaker 1: for your help, but they need it. And this is

758
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: my case and also the case that was here. But

759
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:31,760
Speaker 1: that's how I felt. Yeah, okay, here's a quote. Sometimes

760
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,399
Speaker 1: why I grieve. It feels as though I've been left

761
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,600
Speaker 1: alone in a room with no doors. Every time I

762
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I'm

763
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 1: colliding with a wall that won't give. There's no escape,

764
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 1: just a hard service that I keep ramming into over

765
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 1: and over, a reminder of the mutable reality that I

766
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 1: will never see her again. And I feel like that's

767
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 1: such a great description because that's I often feel like

768
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,800
Speaker 1: for me. It's like if you take a bat and

769
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:55,800
Speaker 1: you swing it as hard as you can it against

770
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 1: a hard service and it reverberates back. That's how it

771
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,400
Speaker 1: feels like for me. And I love this connection with

772
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: food because I've told you before a lot of times,

773
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,319
Speaker 1: I'll like boiled eggs for some reason. It's a big one.

774
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 1: He loved boiled eggs, and they'll just stick with you.

775
00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:11,279
Speaker 1: And her whole thing is about that. Yeah again, Yeah,

776
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 1: aligning with it with comfort and a tradition and skill.

777
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: Also home, it's it's, it's a home. Uh, and she

778
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,239
Speaker 1: goes on. I screamed to her in her language and

779
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,480
Speaker 1: my mother tongue, my first word, hoping she'd hear her

780
00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:28,720
Speaker 1: little girl calling, and like the quintessential mother who suddenly

781
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 1: filled with enough other worldly strength to lift the car

782
00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:34,239
Speaker 1: and save her trapped child, she'd come back from me.

783
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: She'd wait for just a moment, opened her eyes and

784
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,720
Speaker 1: tell me goodbye, impart something anything to help me move forward,

785
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:45,320
Speaker 1: to let me know it all work out. Above all.

786
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 1: I wanted so desperately for her last words not to

787
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:56,359
Speaker 1: be pain anything at all, but that. H uh, here's

788
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:59,320
Speaker 1: another one. Overwhelmed by wretchedness, I had to pause to

789
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,160
Speaker 1: let it set all. I was not prepared for this.

790
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: No one has prepared me for this. Why must I

791
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,480
Speaker 1: feel it? Why must I have this memory? They were

792
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:08,280
Speaker 1: just going to put her in a bag like trash

793
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:10,680
Speaker 1: to be removed. They were just going to burn her.

794
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 1: And yeah, that's oh gosh. I think about that a

795
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,600
Speaker 1: lot because it's so painful, Like there's so many things

796
00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:21,879
Speaker 1: that are so you look back and you up those

797
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 1: beautiful memories and happy memories, and then you have that right,

798
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:27,680
Speaker 1: and it's hard and when else the last memories that

799
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,880
Speaker 1: you have the most recent one, so it's etched in

800
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 1: you for so long because you tried to hold on

801
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 1: and then we didn't mention earlier that she also has

802
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: the experience of her aunt and her grandmother dying as well,

803
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 1: and talking about seeing the cremation ceremony that happens in

804
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,240
Speaker 1: South Korea which I didn't know about and the trauma

805
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:55,160
Speaker 1: of that, so she kind of is alluding to that

806
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:59,799
Speaker 1: picture of her mother as well. Yeah, this is where

807
00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:03,840
Speaker 1: I say it is heavy, it is raw, and it

808
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:10,600
Speaker 1: is unapologetic and just being honest about her experience. Uh yeah,

809
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,359
Speaker 1: it crushes your heart a little bit because you if

810
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:18,560
Speaker 1: you've ever felt any loss, you understand. But if you've

811
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:22,000
Speaker 1: felt the loss of a parent, did it go so

812
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 1: much deeper? Um And the reality of the rawness to

813
00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:29,440
Speaker 1: that or a partner or a sister, like when you

814
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:33,880
Speaker 1: have that closest of someone and losing that it is

815
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 1: it is a part of you and legitimately feeling that

816
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:40,800
Speaker 1: you have lost a part of you m hm. And

817
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 1: the things that they have expected to do, especially as

818
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,480
Speaker 1: the only child who was kind of a caretaker to

819
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:50,080
Speaker 1: the father, the things that she was responsible for. Yeah,

820
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:54,040
Speaker 1: I know that if my when my parents die, and

821
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 1: if I'm still here, my sibling so a still here,

822
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:57,719
Speaker 1: I won't be the one that handles all of that

823
00:44:57,920 --> 00:45:00,719
Speaker 1: most likely, and I'm very grateful to that because my

824
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:06,040
Speaker 1: older siblings will probably have handled that, or my my

825
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: remaining parent if they with one should stay alive. So yeah,

826
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:17,839
Speaker 1: the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, that's the whole dutiful daughter

827
00:45:18,120 --> 00:45:21,080
Speaker 1: thing we talked about again, because it'll be me for

828
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 1: my mom for sure. Right, Okay, let's talk about food

829
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:39,839
Speaker 1: because that's huge throughout. Let's take a little breathe there,

830
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 1: even though that's not necessarily breathe there in this book,

831
00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:46,080
Speaker 1: And yeah, I did get a lot of craving. The

832
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:51,120
Speaker 1: food descriptions were amazing. And yeah, that this idea of

833
00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 1: throughout that of food as a connection to identity, of

834
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:59,640
Speaker 1: connection to people to culture, um, bonding over food and

835
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: food being this powerful nostalgia factor or this powerful memory thing.

836
00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:09,640
Speaker 1: And how like when her mother was sick she started

837
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: to try to make these foods and learn how to

838
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 1: make these foods and have that connection, um, and then

839
00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:17,560
Speaker 1: continuing to do that after she died. But also, as

840
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:23,520
Speaker 1: you've said, can't be triggering, right for sure. I trying

841
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:26,720
Speaker 1: to remind myself of specific foods because I have pictures

842
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: and taste sensories that I'm like, I don't know what

843
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,480
Speaker 1: it's called, so desperately trying to look at up. That's

844
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,759
Speaker 1: what I've been doing for the past ten years. Um,

845
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,920
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about man Chi in just a minute,

846
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:41,440
Speaker 1: who is a Korean cook and YouTube a person, but

847
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:44,759
Speaker 1: like she's kind of become an icon for people trying

848
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,400
Speaker 1: to figure the stuff out. Um and I have I've

849
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 1: used some of our recipes, but yeah, and he's been

850
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:51,959
Speaker 1: a part of mine. Like I'm gonna make him teaching

851
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 1: today and you're gonna eat it. She's like, Okaret, thanks, Um,

852
00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: bunch on, and we've done the eggs and like trying,

853
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:03,080
Speaker 1: Like hearing her describe these foods, I'm like, yeah, that's

854
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 1: what I want to know, and at least knowing it

855
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:08,560
Speaker 1: feels like a small victory even though it's unfamiliar. Um,

856
00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,560
Speaker 1: the noodles we talked about. Jappaghetti is something that I

857
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 1: tried to remember the entirety of my childhood and only

858
00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:19,759
Speaker 1: discovered again last year. Like it's it's that maybe two

859
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: years ago, but it is. It also took me that

860
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: long to be okay with it, um, to to want

861
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:34,440
Speaker 1: to find it, because there's a lot of confusing emotions, trauma, guilt, uh, lost,

862
00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:37,359
Speaker 1: all of these things that happened for me. Because those

863
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 1: are the things that I do remember. I guess my

864
00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:43,600
Speaker 1: body remembers more so than outside of those trauma moments

865
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:46,399
Speaker 1: of like oh my god, this is too familiar, I'm scared. Um.

866
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:50,040
Speaker 1: But yeah, it definitely does hold to that. But also, yeah,

867
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 1: I really want to hold to the culture because all

868
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 1: the culture individual cultures may have this, but specifically like

869
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:04,760
Speaker 1: Southern specifically like Korean Asian cultures, there is ceremony within

870
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:09,799
Speaker 1: these foods. Uh the way uh people who know their

871
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:12,320
Speaker 1: foods and styles, they can't describe to you how to

872
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:14,799
Speaker 1: do it. And it's quite variat and you're like, where

873
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:18,600
Speaker 1: are the measurements? But you know, that's that is a

874
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,040
Speaker 1: home to them. It is a second language to them,

875
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 1: and that's why they don't have that um. And speaking

876
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: of let's let's get into her words. I wonder how

877
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:30,640
Speaker 1: many people at h Mark missed their families, how many

878
00:48:30,719 --> 00:48:32,960
Speaker 1: are thinking of them as they bring their trace back

879
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:35,880
Speaker 1: from the different stalls if they're eating to feel connected,

880
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:39,439
Speaker 1: to celebrate these people through food, which ones aren't able

881
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:41,240
Speaker 1: to fly back home this year or for the past

882
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:44,160
Speaker 1: ten years, which ones are like me, missing the people

883
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:46,800
Speaker 1: who are gone from their lives forever. I did the

884
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:49,560
Speaker 1: same thing. Actually, I looked around and I wondered if

885
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 1: anybody was having similar experiences as I was, trying these

886
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:57,840
Speaker 1: foods um and to be grounded, while like grounded to

887
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,160
Speaker 1: the point that I'm not triggered to eating these foods

888
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:05,040
Speaker 1: in public, like really wondering do people know I'm faking

889
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: this like all these things? Also, do people know that

890
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: I'm trying to find myself again doing this in a

891
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:14,360
Speaker 1: public space. Yes, it's tabled with many of people around

892
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:16,440
Speaker 1: me scoring about trying to eat their hot dogs or

893
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:23,839
Speaker 1: mochi uh donuts, which are good, they sound delicious. Uh.

894
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:27,360
Speaker 1: Here's another quote. I remember these things clearly because that

895
00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:29,759
Speaker 1: was how my mother loved you, not through white eyes

896
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,719
Speaker 1: and constant verbal affirmation, but in subtal observations of what

897
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 1: brought you joy pocketed away to make you feel comforted

898
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 1: and cared for without even realizing it. She remembered, if

899
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,080
Speaker 1: you liked your stews with extra broth, if you were

900
00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:42,839
Speaker 1: sensitive to spice, if you hated tomatoes, if you didn't

901
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 1: eat seafood, if you have a large appetite. She remembered

902
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:48,120
Speaker 1: which bunch on side dish you emptied first, so the

903
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:50,320
Speaker 1: next time you were over, it'd be set with a

904
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:53,840
Speaker 1: heaping double portion, served alongside the various other preferences that

905
00:49:54,000 --> 00:50:00,040
Speaker 1: made you you. I love that. Yeah, my mom's and

906
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:03,279
Speaker 1: I like that too, um, and I like I have

907
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:06,279
Speaker 1: a post it note I keep of I call it

908
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:10,120
Speaker 1: my food profiles. If people mentioned they like something, Okay,

909
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:13,920
Speaker 1: make a note. Yeah, but it is I know so

910
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:17,000
Speaker 1: many people who do show their love this way, um,

911
00:50:17,360 --> 00:50:19,360
Speaker 1: through feeding people and thinking of these things. But I

912
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:23,719
Speaker 1: just love that idea of talking that I might do that.

913
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:31,000
Speaker 1: I think you might. It's all good. I laugh about

914
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,680
Speaker 1: the five. But I try to feed people to make

915
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 1: me make them like me, not necessarily cooking for them

916
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:38,440
Speaker 1: though actually rarely cook. So and he's been able to

917
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:41,200
Speaker 1: taste my cooking because we've been around enough. But yeah,

918
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,239
Speaker 1: that's not necessarily the thing I do. I try to

919
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 1: organize and feed you. I'll find jeez to feed you,

920
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:49,360
Speaker 1: damn it. Um it would go on, it says I

921
00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:51,359
Speaker 1: tried to explain to not Me how much it meant

922
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 1: to me to share food with her, to hear these stories,

923
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:56,920
Speaker 1: how I've been trying to reconnect with memories of my

924
00:50:57,040 --> 00:50:59,279
Speaker 1: mother through food. How Kay had made me feel like

925
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:01,920
Speaker 1: I wasn't a Korean. What I was searching for when

926
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:04,640
Speaker 1: I cooked Don John Gay and jud on my own,

927
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:07,600
Speaker 1: the psychological undoing of what I felt had been my

928
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:11,239
Speaker 1: failures as a caretaker, the preservation of a culture that

929
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:14,640
Speaker 1: once felt so ingrained at me, but now it felt threatened.

930
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:17,200
Speaker 1: But I couldn't find the right words, and the sentences

931
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:20,400
Speaker 1: were too long and complicated for any translation app so

932
00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:23,200
Speaker 1: I quit halfway through and just reached for our hand,

933
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:24,919
Speaker 1: and the two of us went on sloping the cold

934
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,880
Speaker 1: noodles from the tart icy beef broth Um. Yeah. I

935
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:33,080
Speaker 1: love that scene because her her nummy who it was like,

936
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:37,279
Speaker 1: you made this, It's kind of been shocked. She was

937
00:51:37,480 --> 00:51:40,520
Speaker 1: very proud to be able to share it. Andy Okay

938
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,760
Speaker 1: had been the character who kind of came in, swept

939
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,400
Speaker 1: in and took care of her, and instead of teaching,

940
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:47,880
Speaker 1: she just overtook. But there was an obvious complication in

941
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:50,279
Speaker 1: their relationship that I don't know if we'll ever know Um.

942
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:52,160
Speaker 1: I don't know she addresses it in a different book

943
00:51:52,239 --> 00:51:56,239
Speaker 1: or not. But yeah, there's something to be like. I

944
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,440
Speaker 1: don't know when I make these Korean foods if it's

945
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:04,640
Speaker 1: actually this name. Actually just had another comtecher gay for

946
00:52:04,719 --> 00:52:07,839
Speaker 1: the first time and I was like, Okay, I feel

947
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:12,480
Speaker 1: like I'm pretty close. I felt pretty proud Um, but wanting.

948
00:52:12,680 --> 00:52:14,879
Speaker 1: But it would be petrified to have a Korean person

949
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:17,160
Speaker 1: try and tell me how badly I did or how

950
00:52:17,239 --> 00:52:20,160
Speaker 1: American americanized it is, and that would make me sad.

951
00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:24,680
Speaker 1: It would make me really sad. But wish I could

952
00:52:24,719 --> 00:52:28,200
Speaker 1: have someone to teach me, truly teach me what these

953
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:31,040
Speaker 1: are to you even experience that. I actually have a

954
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 1: giant fear of going into Korean restaurants because there's a family, big,

955
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:42,120
Speaker 1: discriminatory community against Um, whitewashed as they call him Asians,

956
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:43,759
Speaker 1: it's a lot of other names that they called this

957
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,279
Speaker 1: insulting Um, and I don't want that. The anxiety of that,

958
00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:50,800
Speaker 1: I make my partner go in and get things and

959
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:53,759
Speaker 1: not going You're going Um, because I'm scared to death

960
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:57,520
Speaker 1: of the reactions of the disappointment when they find out

961
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:00,760
Speaker 1: who I am like what I am essentially and feeling

962
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,720
Speaker 1: fake but wanting to be a part of that culture.

963
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:09,520
Speaker 1: It's the whole thing for sure. Yeah, and I have

964
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:12,600
Speaker 1: heard again, I heard you talk about this and go

965
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:14,640
Speaker 1: through this and struggle with this. And one of the

966
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:16,920
Speaker 1: things that I read in this book that I was like, oh, yeah,

967
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:20,919
Speaker 1: Samantha has told me about this too, was Michelle talked

968
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 1: about finding this community online and watching these cooking videos

969
00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:28,239
Speaker 1: to help teach herself. I mentioned monkey before. Uh, and

970
00:53:28,560 --> 00:53:31,759
Speaker 1: she is a big creator that has several cookbooks that

971
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:34,680
Speaker 1: a lot of us adoptees, a lot of Koreans have

972
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:38,360
Speaker 1: really just lashed onto as if she is our aunt

973
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:41,560
Speaker 1: or our sister who is helping us to to learn

974
00:53:41,640 --> 00:53:44,760
Speaker 1: our culture again. Um. And it's not that her foods

975
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:46,960
Speaker 1: are simple or not that can they can get complicated,

976
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:50,360
Speaker 1: but it just feels accessible. I guess, um it's pretty.

977
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:54,239
Speaker 1: She is seemingly kind and encouraging in her video So

978
00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 1: she started YouTube videos like she has I did that

979
00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:00,799
Speaker 1: can teacher gay from her recipe specifically online, which has

980
00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:03,879
Speaker 1: like a five star review essentially like four point nine

981
00:54:03,920 --> 00:54:07,600
Speaker 1: stars from like thirty thousand reviewers. She's huge as in fact,

982
00:54:07,719 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 1: on Reddit. There's a whole monkey appreciation page. It's really

983
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:13,759
Speaker 1: cute and I went through and looked at it. There

984
00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:17,759
Speaker 1: is a TikToker that I follow who had a similar idea, like,

985
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:19,719
Speaker 1: not at the same time, but like, I wanted to

986
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:22,960
Speaker 1: try to kind of relay my experience in searching my

987
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:26,279
Speaker 1: identity through cooking. But she does it through mon Chese

988
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:29,120
Speaker 1: cookbook and does a recipe a day, talks about a

989
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:31,640
Speaker 1: frustrations and our growth, and she's got a bring big

990
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:34,280
Speaker 1: following and just about trying to find herself and teaching

991
00:54:34,360 --> 00:54:36,800
Speaker 1: her culture to her own children, a culture she doesn't

992
00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:40,200
Speaker 1: think that she knows well enough, but really like loving

993
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:43,840
Speaker 1: and embracing this cookbook. Um, and yeah, that's kind of

994
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:46,720
Speaker 1: the significance of who this woman is. She has become

995
00:54:46,840 --> 00:54:51,719
Speaker 1: the unofficially uh sister, I guess, unofficial sister to so

996
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:54,160
Speaker 1: many of us who's just trying to find someone to

997
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,359
Speaker 1: accept us. I have her cookbook and I have used

998
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:59,279
Speaker 1: it a couple of times, and I'm really excited about

999
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:03,200
Speaker 1: jumping in. But yeah, it's a huge part of obviously

1000
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:06,000
Speaker 1: the culture in itself and learning the recipes and understanding

1001
00:55:06,040 --> 00:55:08,400
Speaker 1: the recipes and just trying to find your identity. And

1002
00:55:08,760 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 1: this is seem she is the most successible thus far

1003
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:15,120
Speaker 1: that I have seen um And seems like someone who

1004
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:20,279
Speaker 1: wants to spread that love rather than not as use

1005
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 1: one of the fews again, use measurements, yes, which Michelle

1006
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:31,600
Speaker 1: also mentioned the lack of measurements and a lot of recipes.

1007
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:34,080
Speaker 1: But yeah, that brings us to our final theme we

1008
00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 1: want to talk about, which we've been touching on throughout,

1009
00:55:36,080 --> 00:55:39,560
Speaker 1: but identity um And we've already talked about language barriers

1010
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:42,960
Speaker 1: and identity finding identities through food, but we want to

1011
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:46,520
Speaker 1: include some quotes. We don't talk about it. There's never

1012
00:55:46,640 --> 00:55:48,880
Speaker 1: so much as a knowing look. We sit here in silence,

1013
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:50,719
Speaker 1: eating our lunch, but I know we are all here

1014
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:53,040
Speaker 1: for the same reason. We're all searching for a piece

1015
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:55,480
Speaker 1: of our home or a piece of ourselves. We look

1016
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 1: for a taste of it in the food we order,

1017
00:55:57,160 --> 00:55:59,879
Speaker 1: in the ingredients we buy. Then we separate, we bring

1018
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 1: in the hall back to our dorm rooms or suburban kitchens,

1019
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:04,960
Speaker 1: and we recreate the dish that couldn't be made without

1020
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:07,880
Speaker 1: our journey. I just love that. I love the description

1021
00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,879
Speaker 1: of all the different types of people there and why

1022
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:15,600
Speaker 1: they might be there and getting all these ingredients and

1023
00:56:15,719 --> 00:56:19,440
Speaker 1: trying to recreate it right. Um, and it goes on.

1024
00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 1: Within five years, I lost both my aunt and my

1025
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:25,120
Speaker 1: mother to cancer. So I go to h Mark. I'm

1026
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:27,359
Speaker 1: just I'm not just on the hunt for cuttle fish

1027
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:29,720
Speaker 1: and three bunchets of scallions for a book. I'm searching

1028
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:33,120
Speaker 1: for memories. I'm collecting the evidence that kore that the

1029
00:56:33,200 --> 00:56:38,680
Speaker 1: Korean half of my identity didn't die when they died. Yeah. Absolutely, again,

1030
00:56:38,680 --> 00:56:40,800
Speaker 1: I think I talked about that. Just sitting there staring

1031
00:56:41,640 --> 00:56:44,759
Speaker 1: and trying to remember, honestly, for me, what I think

1032
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:46,480
Speaker 1: I know and don't know. Try to sit there and

1033
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:50,880
Speaker 1: read the Korean words. So uh, if you've heard me

1034
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:53,040
Speaker 1: struggling with some of the Korean words when it's written

1035
00:56:53,080 --> 00:56:55,440
Speaker 1: in English, I can't pronounce it. So I had to

1036
00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:58,000
Speaker 1: go see the Korean written away because I did learn

1037
00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:01,960
Speaker 1: some of the Korean uh fonetic an alphabet, so that's

1038
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 1: the only way I can do it, and that's kind

1039
00:57:05,200 --> 00:57:07,399
Speaker 1: of the familiar. I will sit there and she talks

1040
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:11,000
Speaker 1: about this in the language portion sounded out and trying

1041
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:12,799
Speaker 1: to remember, and then when I say it out loud,

1042
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:15,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's the American version of this, and

1043
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's good, super I think that is

1044
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:19,480
Speaker 1: one of those littlem like Okay, I got this one,

1045
00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:23,080
Speaker 1: but that's how I do it, to the point that

1046
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:25,840
Speaker 1: someone hadn't seen me do it. Then they're like, are

1047
00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:27,240
Speaker 1: you just making things up? I like, no, no, no,

1048
00:57:27,440 --> 00:57:29,400
Speaker 1: I really do know the pronunciations, and this is the

1049
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,800
Speaker 1: only way I can read it, saying it out woud

1050
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:34,320
Speaker 1: and I can't pronounce it because like I will see

1051
00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:37,880
Speaker 1: it written out in English, and because of the fanatics,

1052
00:57:37,920 --> 00:57:40,920
Speaker 1: it's different. People may put different letters for different uh

1053
00:57:41,560 --> 00:57:43,480
Speaker 1: of the Korean alphabet, so when it flips like that,

1054
00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,240
Speaker 1: I don't know it. As I'm like, oh, I see

1055
00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:47,760
Speaker 1: it in Korea. I'm like, okay, see what they're trying

1056
00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:50,960
Speaker 1: to say. But it's a whole whole thing of sitting

1057
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,720
Speaker 1: there and trying to read what I'm saying and trying

1058
00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:57,480
Speaker 1: to figure out if I understand or this seems familiar

1059
00:57:57,560 --> 00:58:00,240
Speaker 1: for me. I thought with the candies, which I didn't

1060
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 1: have much of, but there was some pies and things

1061
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,000
Speaker 1: that I'm like, I know what that one is. I

1062
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:09,800
Speaker 1: need that Yeah, And I really uh. I loved the

1063
00:58:09,880 --> 00:58:13,640
Speaker 1: scene where um It was a specific scene that happened

1064
00:58:13,640 --> 00:58:16,040
Speaker 1: now more than one occasion. But when Michelle and her

1065
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:19,800
Speaker 1: mom would go visit their family in Korea, Uh, they

1066
00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:21,240
Speaker 1: would wake up in the middle of night, kind of

1067
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:24,520
Speaker 1: like jet lagged or whatever, and sneak food, Korean food

1068
00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 1: out of the refrigerator and just giggle and laugh and

1069
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:28,720
Speaker 1: enjoy it together, which is something they never would do

1070
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 1: in the US. I just really liked that kind of

1071
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,760
Speaker 1: bonding scene between them, right um and going on. I

1072
00:58:36,840 --> 00:58:39,080
Speaker 1: didn't have the tools then to question the beginnings of

1073
00:58:39,160 --> 00:58:43,080
Speaker 1: my complicated desire for whiteness. In Eugene, I was one

1074
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:45,280
Speaker 1: of just a few mixed race kids at my school,

1075
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 1: and most people thought of me as Asian. I felt

1076
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:51,280
Speaker 1: awkward and undesirable, and no one ever complimented my parents

1077
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:54,440
Speaker 1: and soul. Most Koreans assumed I was Caucasian until my

1078
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:56,440
Speaker 1: mother stood beside me. They could see the half of

1079
00:58:56,520 --> 00:58:59,520
Speaker 1: her refused to me, and I made sense suddenly, my

1080
00:58:59,680 --> 00:59:04,240
Speaker 1: quote exotic look. It wasn't something to be celebrated. H Yeah, obviously,

1081
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:06,480
Speaker 1: I absolutely I was one. No, I was one of

1082
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:09,520
Speaker 1: two Asian people that existed there, and it wasn't until

1083
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:13,280
Speaker 1: I think of fourth grade that when she moved to

1084
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:17,840
Speaker 1: there her and her parents, who her mom was Filipino

1085
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:22,800
Speaker 1: and her dad was white. I never had another Asian person,

1086
00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:26,440
Speaker 1: and even still I desperately because everything I knew was

1087
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:28,520
Speaker 1: why I didn't have family that was Asian. So that

1088
00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:34,760
Speaker 1: was absolutely a no no. UM being other very quickly

1089
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:39,160
Speaker 1: uh and tokenized. Still, let's be honest, it's the thing

1090
00:59:39,920 --> 00:59:44,480
Speaker 1: my wish as In fact, oddly enough, therapy session recently,

1091
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:47,320
Speaker 1: which was pretty traumatic, I'm not gonna lie, UM talked

1092
00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:51,120
Speaker 1: about I forget that I'm Asian until I look into

1093
00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:55,480
Speaker 1: the mirror and I had to readjust my face. That

1094
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:58,960
Speaker 1: makes sense, like I look like me, but I kind

1095
00:59:59,000 --> 01:00:00,919
Speaker 1: of forget that I'm Asi, and I say that often,

1096
01:00:01,080 --> 01:00:02,360
Speaker 1: and that used to be a thing as if, like

1097
01:00:02,680 --> 01:00:04,240
Speaker 1: when people would say that to me, Oh yeah, I

1098
01:00:04,280 --> 01:00:09,080
Speaker 1: don't even stink of uzation realizing how micro aggressive that is, UM,

1099
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:13,000
Speaker 1: and then thinking that that's a compliment. Why I sought

1100
01:00:13,080 --> 01:00:17,000
Speaker 1: out to be white, and how I ended up hating

1101
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:19,160
Speaker 1: the way I looked and wishing I could be anything

1102
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:22,920
Speaker 1: else but this, and even to the point like I

1103
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,240
Speaker 1: really wish I was half white at the very least

1104
01:00:25,280 --> 01:00:27,400
Speaker 1: so that I could be passing, which is such an

1105
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 1: absurd UH conversation now as an adult, and I still

1106
01:00:30,760 --> 01:00:33,080
Speaker 1: have already done with it. Obviously I had a therapy

1107
01:00:33,120 --> 01:00:35,720
Speaker 1: session about it, but yeah, trying to figure that out

1108
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:38,920
Speaker 1: and to come to terms with what that is. And

1109
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:42,520
Speaker 1: then again because I feel like I am absolutely Korean

1110
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,640
Speaker 1: by looks when I if I were to go to Korea,

1111
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 1: which I'm petrified of ever doing, that I will be

1112
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:53,480
Speaker 1: seeing as fake and um the anxiety as being that way,

1113
01:00:54,120 --> 01:00:58,200
Speaker 1: feeling lost, which I've always been mothered by both UH cultures.

1114
01:00:58,840 --> 01:01:04,920
Speaker 1: It feels it feels yeah, tiresome and hurtful. Yeah, I

1115
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:07,840
Speaker 1: can see that. I can see that. Um, well, here's

1116
01:01:07,840 --> 01:01:12,160
Speaker 1: another quote that's also tiresome and hurtful. After Jim class,

1117
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,640
Speaker 1: and when I was still reeling from the shame of

1118
01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:16,080
Speaker 1: my fall from athletic grace, a girl from my class

1119
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:18,280
Speaker 1: confronted me in the bathroom with what would become a

1120
01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:22,480
Speaker 1: familiar line of questioning, Are you Chinese? No, are you Japanese?

1121
01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:24,960
Speaker 1: I shook my head, well, what are you? Then? I

1122
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:27,200
Speaker 1: wanted to inform her there are more than two countries

1123
01:01:27,240 --> 01:01:29,320
Speaker 1: that made up the Asian continent, but I was too

1124
01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:32,000
Speaker 1: confounded to answer there was something in my face that

1125
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:34,600
Speaker 1: other people deciphered as a thing displaced from its origin,

1126
01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:36,800
Speaker 1: like I was some kind of alien or exotic fruit.

1127
01:01:37,280 --> 01:01:39,120
Speaker 1: What are you? Then was the last thing I wanted

1128
01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:41,120
Speaker 1: to be asked at twelve, because it established that I

1129
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,240
Speaker 1: stuck out, that I was unrecognizable, that I didn't belong.

1130
01:01:44,640 --> 01:01:46,680
Speaker 1: Until then, I'd always been proud of being half Korean,

1131
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:48,960
Speaker 1: but suddenly I feared it had become my defining feature,

1132
01:01:49,040 --> 01:01:53,600
Speaker 1: and so I began to efface it. Right. Yeah, obviously

1133
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:57,800
Speaker 1: I her saying that term what are you? M M,

1134
01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:00,960
Speaker 1: I got that. I get that still. I got that

1135
01:02:01,000 --> 01:02:03,280
Speaker 1: from adults as a kid, so it's kind of like, wow,

1136
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:06,480
Speaker 1: that's really insulting. You can't say that in a different way. UM.

1137
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:10,800
Speaker 1: But being constantly asked where are you from? Where you're from? Really? No?

1138
01:02:11,000 --> 01:02:13,640
Speaker 1: Really you have? Your English is really good and I'm

1139
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:20,520
Speaker 1: saying here going okay, but yeah, being asked what I am?

1140
01:02:20,760 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: That was definitely one of those moments of trying to

1141
01:02:22,760 --> 01:02:25,440
Speaker 1: and just again this is where I've talked about it previously,

1142
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:29,240
Speaker 1: of just trying to blend in or disappear altogether. Um,

1143
01:02:30,240 --> 01:02:33,200
Speaker 1: And why we talk about the assimilation thing being unhealthy

1144
01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:36,080
Speaker 1: and moving on. He says, when my peers started dating,

1145
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,520
Speaker 1: I developed a complex that the only reason someone would

1146
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:40,880
Speaker 1: like me was if they had yellow fever and if

1147
01:02:40,920 --> 01:02:43,640
Speaker 1: they didn't like me. I tortured myself over whether it

1148
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,600
Speaker 1: was because of the crew jokes boys in my class

1149
01:02:45,640 --> 01:02:48,800
Speaker 1: would make about Asians having sideways pussies and loving you

1150
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:52,680
Speaker 1: long time. Yeah. Um, all of those are very familiar.

1151
01:02:52,800 --> 01:02:55,959
Speaker 1: I've heard it all my life, all my life until

1152
01:02:55,960 --> 01:02:59,920
Speaker 1: recently at my jobs. Yeah, nothing new, And trying to

1153
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:04,160
Speaker 1: to really go beyond it. There's a new talk, and

1154
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:08,760
Speaker 1: I don't it's a new level of prejudice towards Asian

1155
01:03:08,840 --> 01:03:12,440
Speaker 1: women by Asian men, saying that Asian women complain about

1156
01:03:12,440 --> 01:03:14,800
Speaker 1: being fetishized, but then they date white people, white men.

1157
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,960
Speaker 1: So do you really hate it that much? It's such

1158
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:21,480
Speaker 1: a slave in the face. Uh. And and I really

1159
01:03:21,600 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 1: and this was recently seen and I really want to

1160
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:25,560
Speaker 1: be like, you know, women have been killed, pushed and

1161
01:03:26,000 --> 01:03:31,880
Speaker 1: like murdered and hurt and violated because they're Asian, right

1162
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:36,160
Speaker 1: that this is not the This is not the flex

1163
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:38,160
Speaker 1: you think it is. This is not the insult. And

1164
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:42,200
Speaker 1: people and so many people agreeing with him, it was

1165
01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:46,040
Speaker 1: it was it's scary of that, like, okay, you really

1166
01:03:46,160 --> 01:03:49,320
Speaker 1: you really devalue women in such a way that this

1167
01:03:49,440 --> 01:03:52,680
Speaker 1: is what you see. Okay, and then you're double down

1168
01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:56,160
Speaker 1: on it saying that, But it's true, is it? Um?

1169
01:03:56,720 --> 01:04:00,520
Speaker 1: Being fetishized and having a partner that's not within the

1170
01:04:00,560 --> 01:04:04,400
Speaker 1: same ethnicity doesn't have anything to do with each other. Honestly,

1171
01:04:05,200 --> 01:04:09,800
Speaker 1: women who and we talked about this so often fetishism

1172
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:12,800
Speaker 1: means sexualization, which often leads to violence and or some

1173
01:04:12,880 --> 01:04:15,560
Speaker 1: type of ownership, and that needs to be the conversation.

1174
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:20,360
Speaker 1: But yet it talks about women's choices. But okay, and this,

1175
01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:25,280
Speaker 1: this kind of rhetoric is exactly that point, Um, and

1176
01:04:25,360 --> 01:04:29,760
Speaker 1: I can't understand how it's not. But anyway, So going on,

1177
01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:32,959
Speaker 1: she says, what a cruel twist of fate. I thought,

1178
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:35,560
Speaker 1: my face reddening as I fought back the tears. I

1179
01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:38,000
Speaker 1: had spent my adolescence trying to blend in with my

1180
01:04:38,120 --> 01:04:41,320
Speaker 1: peers in suburban America, and had come of age feeling

1181
01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:44,680
Speaker 1: like my belongings with something to prove, something that was

1182
01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:46,920
Speaker 1: always in the hands of other people to be given

1183
01:04:46,960 --> 01:04:49,640
Speaker 1: and never my own to take to decide which side

1184
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:52,200
Speaker 1: I was on, whom I was allowed to align with.

1185
01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:55,000
Speaker 1: I could never be of both worlds, only half in

1186
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:58,040
Speaker 1: and half out, waiting to be ejected at will by

1187
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:01,960
Speaker 1: someone with a greater claim than mes, someone full, someone whole.

1188
01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:05,080
Speaker 1: For a long time, I had tried to belong in America,

1189
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 1: wanted and wished for it more than anything. But in

1190
01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:10,320
Speaker 1: that moment, all I wanted was to be accepted as

1191
01:05:10,360 --> 01:05:13,160
Speaker 1: a Korean by two people who refused to claim me.

1192
01:05:13,680 --> 01:05:15,720
Speaker 1: You are not one of us, case seemed to say,

1193
01:05:16,160 --> 01:05:19,080
Speaker 1: and you will never really understand what is what it

1194
01:05:19,240 --> 01:05:21,760
Speaker 1: is she needs, no matter how perfect you try to be.

1195
01:05:22,720 --> 01:05:25,600
Speaker 1: And yeah, that's not seeing where her Kay and her

1196
01:05:25,680 --> 01:05:30,360
Speaker 1: mom connect on a different level. Um yeah, and again

1197
01:05:30,520 --> 01:05:36,600
Speaker 1: that's that sums a lot of my fields perfectly. Uh

1198
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:41,240
Speaker 1: and never being part of any any culture and never

1199
01:05:41,320 --> 01:05:44,200
Speaker 1: being accepted and can be easily pushed out by those

1200
01:05:44,240 --> 01:05:49,760
Speaker 1: who hold those standards better than me. Yeah, yeah, again,

1201
01:05:49,800 --> 01:05:51,320
Speaker 1: there's so much I was reading this. I was like,

1202
01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:54,360
Speaker 1: oh that I heard Samantha say this. I heard this,

1203
01:05:55,040 --> 01:05:59,360
Speaker 1: Um okay, Well you wanted to end on one last quote.

1204
01:06:00,600 --> 01:06:03,920
Speaker 1: I had thought fermentation was controlled death. Left alone ahead

1205
01:06:03,920 --> 01:06:07,640
Speaker 1: of cabbage moles and decomposes, it becomes rotten inedible, but

1206
01:06:07,760 --> 01:06:10,360
Speaker 1: when brine instored, the course of his decay is altered.

1207
01:06:10,600 --> 01:06:13,520
Speaker 1: Sugars are broken down to produce lactic acid, which protects

1208
01:06:13,520 --> 01:06:16,440
Speaker 1: it from spoiling. Carbon dioxide is released in the brine,

1209
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 1: acidifies it, ages its color and texture, transmute its flavor,

1210
01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:25,280
Speaker 1: becomes tartar, more pungent. It exists in time and transforms,

1211
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:27,960
Speaker 1: so it is not quite controlled death because it enjoys

1212
01:06:27,960 --> 01:06:31,000
Speaker 1: a new life altogether. The memories I had stored I

1213
01:06:31,080 --> 01:06:33,920
Speaker 1: could not let fester, could not let trauma infiltrate and

1214
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:36,840
Speaker 1: spread to spoil and render them useless. They were moments

1215
01:06:36,880 --> 01:06:40,040
Speaker 1: to be tended. The culture we shared was active, effervescent

1216
01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:41,960
Speaker 1: in my gut and in my jeans, and I had

1217
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:44,200
Speaker 1: to seize it, foster it so it did not die

1218
01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:47,560
Speaker 1: in me. I just loved that. I thought that was

1219
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:51,400
Speaker 1: so eloquent and really tying together that the food connection

1220
01:06:51,640 --> 01:06:55,600
Speaker 1: and the culture and the grief and finding new life

1221
01:06:55,640 --> 01:06:58,600
Speaker 1: and memories and carrying them on and keeping them with you,

1222
01:06:59,840 --> 01:07:02,560
Speaker 1: I will say, And it really doesn't have the same thing.

1223
01:07:02,720 --> 01:07:05,600
Speaker 1: But I feel like my ultimate accomplishment will be making

1224
01:07:05,920 --> 01:07:13,280
Speaker 1: a good that kimchi, and I'm scared to even try. Yeah,

1225
01:07:13,600 --> 01:07:20,400
Speaker 1: it's yeah, I understand. It's like we need that. We

1226
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:26,520
Speaker 1: gotta get you the refrigerator, the right pots thing. Yeah,

1227
01:07:27,240 --> 01:07:31,080
Speaker 1: well you know, Samantha. You can keep us posted if

1228
01:07:31,120 --> 01:07:34,520
Speaker 1: you want to know pressure. Um. But this book was

1229
01:07:34,560 --> 01:07:39,000
Speaker 1: really lovely and highly recommend it again going prepared. It's

1230
01:07:39,040 --> 01:07:42,680
Speaker 1: not an easy read necessarily, but it is beautiful and

1231
01:07:42,760 --> 01:07:46,680
Speaker 1: really moving um and absolutely worth checking out. And in

1232
01:07:46,760 --> 01:07:49,960
Speaker 1: the meantime, if you have any suggestions for our next

1233
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:51,720
Speaker 1: book club, we would love to get them, and you

1234
01:07:51,760 --> 01:07:53,280
Speaker 1: can emails at stuff and your mom Stuff that I

1235
01:07:53,400 --> 01:07:55,000
Speaker 1: Hurt Me dot com. You can find us on Twitter

1236
01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:56,920
Speaker 1: at mom Stuff Podcasts, or Instagram and Stuff I've Never

1237
01:07:57,000 --> 01:07:59,320
Speaker 1: Told You Things. It's always to our super producer Christine.

1238
01:07:59,560 --> 01:08:02,160
Speaker 1: Thank you Tina, and thanks to you for listening Stuff

1239
01:08:02,200 --> 01:08:04,320
Speaker 1: under told the direction of I Heart Radio More podcast,

1240
01:08:04,480 --> 01:08:06,720
Speaker 1: My Heart Radio Zio, heard you app Apple Podcast or

1241
01:08:06,760 --> 01:08:08,160
Speaker 1: red you listen to your favorite shows