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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. It's the Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. What's up you guys. It's

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Speaker 1: Kelly and no, this is not a solo podcast, right.

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Speaker 1: You know I do not like those, even though every

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Speaker 1: now and again I just feel the need to speak

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Speaker 1: to you guys. This is actually an introduction into a

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Speaker 1: podcast that I was a guest on, and I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to give you guys a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: backstory so that it made more sense when you jumped

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Speaker 1: into the podcast. So we all have patterns when it

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Speaker 1: comes to love, to relationships, to dating, even to self

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Speaker 1: love and the ways we attach. I've actually recently been

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Speaker 1: listening to Monica and Jess Love Boys. If any of

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Speaker 1: you guys listen to Armchair Expert, Hello chip Uh. This

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Speaker 1: is a little subversion of that podcast where two people

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Speaker 1: have experts on and they face their patterns and love

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Speaker 1: and hopes to change what's no longer serving them. One

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Speaker 1: doesn't date at all and has never been in a

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Speaker 1: long term relationship. That's Monica, and then Jess has had

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Speaker 1: a few long term relationships, but for the past few

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Speaker 1: years has just been having sex with anyone and everyone

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Speaker 1: and avoiding dating at all because of a fear of rejection.

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Speaker 1: So it's two sides of the same coin, and it's

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Speaker 1: a coin that I relate to differently, but also the same.

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Speaker 1: A few months ago, I was a guest on a

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Speaker 1: podcast called Journals of a Love Addict with licensed therapist

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Speaker 1: Jody White. Jody has been a guest on this podcast

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Speaker 1: twice now, and once I revealed to her that I

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Speaker 1: was evaluating my relationship with alcohol, she had a couple

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Speaker 1: more questions about why. Yes, for me, the way I

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Speaker 1: was using alcohol in the past couple of years and

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Speaker 1: my patterns in relationships became very connected. That hasn't always

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Speaker 1: been a connection or something that I've faced, but I

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Speaker 1: became very aware of it drastically. In my last relationships show,

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Speaker 1: Jody Connected the Dots asked me to be a guest

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Speaker 1: on her podcast to talk about why I was taking

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Speaker 1: a break from alcohol and also to talk about my

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Speaker 1: own love addiction. As we mentioned in this podcast, the

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Speaker 1: word love addict, or even the other side of that

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Speaker 1: coin with love avoidance, like I mentioned earlier, are very

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Speaker 1: hard words to digest. Mostly for me. That's because these

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Speaker 1: descriptions don't always feel like what this stuff actually is

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Speaker 1: or looks like. So identifying as a love addict, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean you're just addicted to love, although for

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Speaker 1: some people it could look like that, Like it could

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Speaker 1: look like constantly needing to be in a relationship or

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Speaker 1: have some version of a love relationship or person in

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Speaker 1: your life, or just chasing after people for a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm personally typically single for quite some time between relationships,

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Speaker 1: so for me, the quote unquote love addiction looks a

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Speaker 1: lot like major codependency and self abandonment. It gets really

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Speaker 1: activated in relationships with unavailable partners. And I've been in

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Speaker 1: a pattern in my adult life of continuing to choose

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Speaker 1: unavailable partners, whether they're unavailable because of active addictions, workaholism,

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Speaker 1: addiction to business, social media, cell phones, other women, or

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Speaker 1: if they're just emotionally distant, whatever the cause of their

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Speaker 1: unavailable unavailability really activates my fear of abandonment every time.

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Speaker 1: And that's what all of these patterns are. It's old

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Speaker 1: attachment wounding that, if left unaddressed, shows up as a

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Speaker 1: dysfunction in our most intimate relationships. I'm choosing to share

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Speaker 1: this part of my story because, for one the chaos

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Speaker 1: and unmanageability of my life the last couple of years

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Speaker 1: was pretty public. Um, I couldn't show up in my

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Speaker 1: life the way I intended to or needed to because

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Speaker 1: I just wasn't taking care of myself, which I've been

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Speaker 1: very open and talking about on social media and then

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Speaker 1: also on this podcast. But the second reason, and the

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Speaker 1: most important one to me, is that I always have

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Speaker 1: hopes that my vulnerability and sharing my story will help

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Speaker 1: even one person. If it helps one person, as uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: as it may be, it's worth it to me. Well,

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Speaker 1: it's Metley. I just don't believe there should be shame

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Speaker 1: around looking at or working at changing our patterns in

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Speaker 1: our lives that no longer serve us. However, we as

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Speaker 1: humans want to judge, whether it's to feel better about ourselves,

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Speaker 1: to stay in denial, to avoid fear or pain, or

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Speaker 1: to stay in the one up position. Whatever the reason,

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Speaker 1: it's a very common human behavior. We all do it.

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Speaker 1: I'm guilty of it myself. So what I'm asking from

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Speaker 1: you guys today is to just listen, no judgment, And

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Speaker 1: if you do notice yourself judging me, or feeling scared

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Speaker 1: by what I'm saying or even if it pisces you

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Speaker 1: off and you're just so angry listening to me talk,

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Speaker 1: ask your inner knowing what is going on with me

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Speaker 1: that I feel this way right now, and don't judge

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Speaker 1: yourself for whatever that answer may be. In fact, you

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Speaker 1: can share them with me if you feel so inclined,

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Speaker 1: and I'll also help you hold a non judgmental space

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Speaker 1: with you for you all of it. I just know

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Speaker 1: for me that whenever I'm judging someone else, it's always

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Speaker 1: about me. So I'm asking you guys to take that

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Speaker 1: perspective when you listen to this podcast. One more thing,

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Speaker 1: I did my best to say on my side of

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Speaker 1: the street and not involve other stories in this podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's a really hard thing to navigate, and though I

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Speaker 1: know I don't do it perfectly, I truly am trying

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Speaker 1: my best. This is my story and I'm sharing from

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Speaker 1: my experience. Though I am very human and on a

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Speaker 1: lot of days that is just not how I want

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Speaker 1: to do things. Ultimately, I do believe it's the right

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Speaker 1: thing to do, even if it's not always deserved. That's

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Speaker 1: the way I'm going to continue to move forward. So

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Speaker 1: I will never use names or publicly bash anyone who's

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Speaker 1: previously been in my life. So if you're feeling like

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Speaker 1: some parts of this are broad or vague, that's why

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Speaker 1: I'm speaking about my life and my experience and my journey.

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Speaker 1: Take what you like and leave the rest. Here's my

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Speaker 1: conversation with Jodie. Hello, this is Jody White, and you're

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Speaker 1: listening to of a Love Addict. I love hearing from

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Speaker 1: those of you who listen to the podcast and follow

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Speaker 1: me on Instagram. I can't always respond to everyone, even

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Speaker 1: though I really want to, because I learned the hard

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Speaker 1: way that I've got to have boundaries around how much

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Speaker 1: time I spend emailing and how much time I spend

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Speaker 1: on social media because it takes a lot of my energy,

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Speaker 1: and I need my energy in order to work with

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Speaker 1: my clients and also take care of myself. And I

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Speaker 1: actually read something not too long ago that helped me

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Speaker 1: feel a little better about this boundary that I have

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Speaker 1: to have around communication when I finally read Quit Like

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Speaker 1: a Woman by Holly Whittaker. In her book, which is

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Speaker 1: about how to address your relationship with alcohol while living

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Speaker 1: in a culture that's obsessed with drinking, Holly discusses the

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Speaker 1: importance of boundaries especially when it comes to how we

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Speaker 1: work and how she realized that she was overworking at

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Speaker 1: making sure she responded to every single email, every text,

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Speaker 1: every d M and it was wearing her out and

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Speaker 1: leading to anxiety. So she had to make a choice

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Speaker 1: between operating like that or focusing on her actual work,

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Speaker 1: which is writing and research, etcetera. And it's not an

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Speaker 1: easy boundary to uphold, especially because I and I think

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Speaker 1: lots of us possibly were raised to believe that not

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Speaker 1: responding is just plain old rude. But in an age

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Speaker 1: of constant contact, we've got to have those boundaries, right.

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Speaker 1: But a couple of years ago, I received a particular

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Speaker 1: email from Kelly of the Velvet's Edge podcast who said

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Speaker 1: she wanted me to come on her podcast and talk

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Speaker 1: about love addiction. And y'all, I get so excited when

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Speaker 1: I find out that other people want to discuss the

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Speaker 1: topic of love addiction like this, because my goal is

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Speaker 1: to spread the word and let others know this is

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Speaker 1: a real thing and that if you are struggling, you're

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Speaker 1: not alone. So this email led to me being on

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Speaker 1: Kelly's podcast, and then I was on a second time,

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Speaker 1: and I thought, mm hmmm, I have a feeling she

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Speaker 1: as a story to tell, and then recently she shared

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Speaker 1: an Instagram post about books and a photo of herself

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Speaker 1: holding guess what quit like a woman, and I knew

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Speaker 1: it was time to invite Kelly to visit with me

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Speaker 1: on Journals of a Love Addict. Please welcome Kelly from

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Speaker 1: the Velvet's Edge podcast, who, by the way, is also

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Speaker 1: a celebrity here and makeup artist in Nashville who has

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Speaker 1: worked with some of country music's finest. We get started

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Speaker 1: as I've just let Kelly know that my instincts have

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Speaker 1: been telling me she has a story to tell. It's

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Speaker 1: so interesting that you picked up when the topic interest

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Speaker 1: and I do think I kind of mentioned that when

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Speaker 1: we were talking like that I've been doing some of

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Speaker 1: this work and just the recovery work I've been in

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Speaker 1: for I don't know about a decade now, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: I have guests on my podcast that I'm interested in

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Speaker 1: learning the information. It's kind of like this selfish way

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Speaker 1: that I get to talk to these really amazing experts

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Speaker 1: on certain topics. And so the topic of love, addiction

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Speaker 1: and codependency, all of those things have been in my

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Speaker 1: life for so long, but I'm diving a lot deeper

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Speaker 1: into that now, and so having you guys one was

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Speaker 1: like my investigation into do I need to really be

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Speaker 1: doing this or like, you know, just trying to find

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Speaker 1: out more information because my therapist has been telling me

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Speaker 1: about it for years. But I definitely was like, are

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Speaker 1: you sure about that? I mean maybe, but do I

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Speaker 1: have to go that far? You know that kind of stuff. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I get it because I think you know, when I

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Speaker 1: first while I was in therapy for a long time,

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Speaker 1: but then no one you know, really understood codependence love

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Speaker 1: addiction so much back then. And then when it was

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Speaker 1: first mentioned to me, love addiction was first mentioned to

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Speaker 1: me twelve years ago, and I remember going, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: don't know, that sounds pretty terrible. Let's just like I

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Speaker 1: just want to come in and complain about my boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: Can we talk about terrible? Is It's not? It's not me,

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Speaker 1: It's right, I mean, that really is the you know,

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Speaker 1: you can have awareness and even if your instincts are

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Speaker 1: like hello, uh, we just have this external focus that

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Speaker 1: gets in the way because it's like i'd much rather folks,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm conditioned to focus out here versus here.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean that was when I first started recovery,

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Speaker 1: or just I call it my recovery journey because it

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Speaker 1: involved a lot of therapy intensives. I do twelve stop

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Speaker 1: work as well, but I got into that because of

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Speaker 1: a relationship that I was in with a sex addict,

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Speaker 1: and so it would have been very easy for me

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Speaker 1: to be like, oh, he cheated on me a bunch

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Speaker 1: and like make him the bad guy. But my life

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Speaker 1: had become so unmanageable and I saw myself doing things

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Speaker 1: that we're so out of character for me, and just

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Speaker 1: complete self abandonment that there was this awareness of like

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Speaker 1: he's not the only one. Like I knew that, but

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Speaker 1: I just didn't really fully understand what my part was,

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Speaker 1: and so uncovering that, you know, it was like the

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Speaker 1: most painful, uncomfortable journey. But like, thank God for the

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Speaker 1: help and the tools that I've received through that. But

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Speaker 1: this has been something I think I've tried to put

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Speaker 1: off because I did start into that work a decade ago,

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Speaker 1: and so I was like, am I not done yet?

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Speaker 1: Like right, you're telling me there's more. And that was

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Speaker 1: super defeating at first, you know, and I just tried

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Speaker 1: to avoid at all costs, and you're talking about the

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Speaker 1: love addiction work. Correct, Yeah, because I started um in

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Speaker 1: actually started my codependency work before that, because I grew

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Speaker 1: up in a family where both my parents are in

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Speaker 1: recovery and um they've been on their own journeys for

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Speaker 1: a long time, and so you know, I always knew

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Speaker 1: about it, and I thank God for at now because

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Speaker 1: when my life started to fall apart, like I knew

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Speaker 1: where to go. That's the part of the work that

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Speaker 1: I want to do with my podcast is kind of

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Speaker 1: helping people understand that what they're experiencing is actually really

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Speaker 1: normal or you know, it's not so isolated to just you,

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Speaker 1: and here's where you can go to find the help

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Speaker 1: you need, because I think a lot of people just

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Speaker 1: don't know where to start. So I was really lucky

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Speaker 1: that I knew where to start. But the work that

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Speaker 1: I had been doing before it was kind of hitting ish,

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Speaker 1: you know. I mean obviously, like there's some childhood stories

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Speaker 1: that I was getting into and kind of understanding a

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Speaker 1: little bit about why I did certain things or why

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Speaker 1: I was maybe a people pleaser, but it felt a

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Speaker 1: little more like surface. And so then when my world

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Speaker 1: fell apart with that relationship that I just mentioned, we

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Speaker 1: were engaged, and I found out three months before the wedding,

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Speaker 1: like there was just a full he was cheating the

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Speaker 1: whole time because of his own stuff. And when I

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Speaker 1: found that out, it wasn't like all of my friends

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Speaker 1: wanted to just be like, well, he's just an asshole,

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Speaker 1: but like, because I had started to dip my toe

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Speaker 1: in and because of what I had seen my parents

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Speaker 1: going through, like I just knew. I was like, there's

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Speaker 1: just something more here. Yeah, So but you told me

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Speaker 1: you were since October, right, you have been addressing your

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Speaker 1: relationship with alcohol. That's what I call it. Yes, Um,

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Speaker 1: October is the last time I've had a drink. So

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Speaker 1: for me, that's a really time. What is this four

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Speaker 1: and a half months later. I don't know when this

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Speaker 1: podcast is coming out, but when we're recording it, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's now it's March. So yeah. You know what's so

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Speaker 1: interesting is I feel like I've had this intuition that

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Speaker 1: at some point in my life alcohol was not going

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Speaker 1: to be there anymore. I've known it like in my body,

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Speaker 1: and I used to have these visions of me as

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Speaker 1: an older woman and just like living my life, and

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Speaker 1: I just knew, like I was in these visions, I'm

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Speaker 1: always like gardening or like, I don't know, taking care

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Speaker 1: of plants of some sort. I have no idea why,

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Speaker 1: because I kill every plan. So I'm not too um.

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Speaker 1: But alcohol, like my life in that vision is very

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Speaker 1: much like me drinking a tea. You know. It's like

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Speaker 1: alcohol just isn't present. And I've always had this weird like, huh,

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Speaker 1: I wonder why. Because I work in the music industry.

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Speaker 1: Alcohol is everywhere. It's it's a part of every activity

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Speaker 1: we do. I grew up in Louisiana, like that is

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Speaker 1: also part of the culture, and so it's just been

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Speaker 1: around my life for so long and so much so

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Speaker 1: that like, I don't really think. I think like when

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Speaker 1: I first started therapy, you know, we discussed it and

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Speaker 1: she put parameters on me. But I actually remember she said,

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Speaker 1: you know, when I first started working with people in

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Speaker 1: my therapist is awesome, by the way, but she she said,

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Speaker 1: when I first started working with people, we I like

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Speaker 1: to remove alcohol for the first six months. And I

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Speaker 1: was like what, And she said, Okay, we can talk

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Speaker 1: about parameters, but I would like to invite you to

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Speaker 1: notice your reaction to that. Immediately, my first thought when

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Speaker 1: she said that was what will I do when I

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Speaker 1: go on the road with my artists, because like we

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Speaker 1: go to these big dinners, or I'm at parties or

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Speaker 1: just at the show, you just drink, you know, And

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Speaker 1: I thought, oh my gosh, they're gonna all think I'm crazy,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm already doing all this work. I'm gonna feel

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Speaker 1: so isolated, like how will I ever have fun in

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Speaker 1: my life? You know. It was just kind of that reaction,

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Speaker 1: and so we ended up putting this to Drink maximum

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Speaker 1: on my first six months of working with her, and

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Speaker 1: it was great for me in that it helped me

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Speaker 1: to understand a kind of like a crutch like alcohols,

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Speaker 1: a crutch like how I was using it, and so

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Speaker 1: I did develop a different relationship with it at that point.

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Speaker 1: Um I would say, over the next decade, it probably

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Speaker 1: just like, I don't know, normalized a little bit where

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Speaker 1: I was like not so hardcore on just two drinks

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Speaker 1: or you know, and then I would go back to

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Speaker 1: partying with my friends on the road and in my

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Speaker 1: industry and just in general the same way that I

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Speaker 1: used to. But what happened the past couple of years

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Speaker 1: was that, you know, with the pandemic hit, um I

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Speaker 1: got in a relationship where alcohol was like just a

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Speaker 1: fixture of daily life, and I personally was facing so

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Speaker 1: many big betrayals I had. I was on this TV

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Speaker 1: show for a while, and I had like a major

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Speaker 1: public humiliation about in lies being told about me that

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Speaker 1: hit in a different way that I've ever experienced, because

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Speaker 1: I was getting like death threats and crazy stuff reality

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Speaker 1: TV fans are really into. I had no idea about this.

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Speaker 1: It sounds terrible. This was happening to me while this

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Speaker 1: was right This hit in my life right before the

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Speaker 1: pandemic hit. And so then once the pandemic hit, you know,

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Speaker 1: the music industry went away, and so all of my

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Speaker 1: work went away. It was very, very stressful, and then

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Speaker 1: my relationship we were kind of tumultuous. And what I

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Speaker 1: realized was that because I was searching so desperately for

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Speaker 1: some sort of consistency, foundation, normalcy, less anxiety, all of it,

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Speaker 1: I was using our acohol to kind of just like

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Speaker 1: medicaid and push all those feelings that I was actually

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Speaker 1: feeling down because it was too much and it was

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Speaker 1: like I couldn't I couldn't go there yet, Like I couldn't.

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Speaker 1: Even with all of the work I've done, all of

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Speaker 1: the tools I have, all of the support systems I have,

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Speaker 1: I was just not prepared to feel that much pain

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Speaker 1: all at once, And so I was using alcohol to

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Speaker 1: not have to do that. Yeah, I mean it, and

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Speaker 1: it can quote unquote work for a little while like that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah rarely. I mean I think there was definitely that

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Speaker 1: piece still for me too, of like searching for normalcy.

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Speaker 1: Like when I look at other people, I have a

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Speaker 1: comparison is like kind of one of my character defects,

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Speaker 1: and so I can look at other people and I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: they do it. So like even though my body, in

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Speaker 1: my mind and my soul or telling me this isn't

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Speaker 1: the way to go, look at the people around me,

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Speaker 1: they're doing it. So surely it's fine, you know, or

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Speaker 1: it's fine, Like I just kind of will do that

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff. And so it was in my energy field,

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Speaker 1: like I knew. I think my body always knows before

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Speaker 1: my mom will accept things. But I really wasn't willing

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Speaker 1: to accept it until I got into a really bad

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Speaker 1: place in that relationship and saw how much it was

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Speaker 1: keeping me in the relationship and and in my addiction

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Speaker 1: stuff to keep drinking. And I don't identify as an

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Speaker 1: alcoholic as much as I just said all the stuff

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Speaker 1: I said, like or identify an alcoholic, but it ties

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Speaker 1: into all of my other stuff. And that's what I've realized. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I agree with that, and I actually gotten to the

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Speaker 1: point and even over the last few years, where I

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Speaker 1: just I don't think the term alcoholic is just outdated.

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Speaker 1: And we used it a long time ago to help

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Speaker 1: us understand something, but now it's just you know, the

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00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:57,320
Speaker 1: spectrum of like gray area drinking. You know, it's there's

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Speaker 1: it's such a broad topic and everyone's relationship with alcohol

350
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Speaker 1: can look unique, can be for unique reasons, and um,

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Speaker 1: you know, the term alcoholic is just it doesn't fit anymore.

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Speaker 1: I think I totally agree with that. And if we're

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Speaker 1: if we were still using this term alcoholic, I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: well then every single person in my life is an alcoholic,

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Speaker 1: you know. I mean, it's just so that's what that

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Speaker 1: book that I posted about quit like a woman. She

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00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,240
Speaker 1: talks about that, like it's just so normalized to drink alcohol,

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Speaker 1: to be a binge drinker, to do all the things

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Speaker 1: that our society just like praises as to what to

360
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Speaker 1: do after a long day, or it's like the only

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Speaker 1: way we learned how to to cope with life, and um,

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Speaker 1: if you really look at the behaviors and then you

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Speaker 1: know anything about alcoholism, it's like, wait a second, these

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Speaker 1: things look a lot alife, right, Yeah, And you know

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Speaker 1: you were just saying about comparison, and that was me too.

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Speaker 1: It's like, well, I don't drink as much as they do,

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Speaker 1: so I must be that bad, you know. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's also though, when we do have childhood wounding

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Speaker 1: or mother hunger or codependence and you know symptoms, we

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Speaker 1: as again that external focus, and so we're just looking

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Speaker 1: for something to kind of make sense to us or

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Speaker 1: some sort of guidance on something, versus being able to

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Speaker 1: know ourselves. That's one of the issues, is we you're

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Speaker 1: saying you felt it in your body, you knew instinctually,

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Speaker 1: intuitively that alcohol wasn't good for you, wasn't a fit.

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Speaker 1: But but you know, it is so normalized. There's that

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Speaker 1: part too, So our brain is telling us no big deal,

378
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Speaker 1: what's the big deal, But then also looking around us,

379
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Speaker 1: well they're doing it, and so but still we're ignoring

380
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Speaker 1: that inner voice that's saying it's just not a fit

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Speaker 1: for us. It's just doesn't work. And as silly as

382
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 1: it sounds, it's like that feeling maybe we all had

383
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Speaker 1: in junior high in high school, where you're like, I

384
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Speaker 1: just want to fit in, you know. Like, as silly

385
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Speaker 1: as that is, as an almost forty something year old woman,

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Speaker 1: there's definitely a part of me. I mean, I experienced

387
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Speaker 1: it this last week and I was in Vegas for

388
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Speaker 1: a work trip and I'm the only one not drinking

389
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Speaker 1: in Vegas obvious, and so it's isolating, you know. And

390
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Speaker 1: I'm finally like sturdy enough in my own self almost

391
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Speaker 1: forty to say like, okay, well I can be different

392
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Speaker 1: and that's okay. But it's it's hard, and I think

393
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Speaker 1: it's like the one thing that a lot of us

394
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Speaker 1: really have. You have to be really secure in who

395
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Speaker 1: you are and your relationship with yourself and your higher

396
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,480
Speaker 1: power or whatever it is, to not want to just

397
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Speaker 1: be like everyone else and not stick out, you know,

398
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Speaker 1: like because you're doing something different, right, because you're you're

399
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Speaker 1: taking care of yourself and doing things different, You're right, yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it's to me, it's not doesn't sound silly at

401
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:44,080
Speaker 1: all because we we need slash want to belong. We

402
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:47,200
Speaker 1: want to you know, so of course we want to

403
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Speaker 1: do things that help us fit in and get that

404
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Speaker 1: approval you know, from others. And so I think it

405
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Speaker 1: totally makes sense. And for people who are starting it

406
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Speaker 1: at almost forty, for almost fifty, almost sixty, I mean

407
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Speaker 1: I work with people who are looking at this for

408
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: the first time in their fifties sixties, and I think

409
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 1: it's so amazing, and and they also feel silly, you know,

410
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Speaker 1: like here I am at sixty five still wanting this,

411
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Speaker 1: or here I am, you know, still wanting to fit in,

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Speaker 1: and it's like it's just we're human, and so takes

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Speaker 1: a lot of courage. Thank you. I I that's interesting

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Speaker 1: because that's been some of the feedback I've gotten, or

415
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Speaker 1: actually it's what everyone says to me is like, wow,

416
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 1: that is so impressive, you know, while they take a

417
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: sip of their drink. Um. So a part of what

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Speaker 1: I think I'm trying to talk about publicly with it

419
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: is just just normalizing not drinking too. Like actually, I'm

420
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 1: not trying to tell anyone not to drink, Like your

421
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,520
Speaker 1: relationship with alcohol is completely yours to discover and think

422
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:52,400
Speaker 1: about and figure out. But I just think it's interesting

423
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Speaker 1: that the norm is to drink and then the abnormal

424
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,360
Speaker 1: thing is to not drink, Like why where do how

425
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 1: do we get the air? Why is that the thing?

426
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,080
Speaker 1: Why is it so crazy when someone says I just want,

427
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,359
Speaker 1: you know, a water. I love that your therapist had

428
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: initially said I like to have boundaries around drinking the

429
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,320
Speaker 1: first six months that we worked together, and that really

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00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,360
Speaker 1: goes with you p a Melodies way of doing things too,

431
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:21,440
Speaker 1: when she she really talks about, okay, when we're starting

432
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:27,440
Speaker 1: work on codependence U symptoms and love addiction to remove

433
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 1: any other what she calls addictions or addicted behaviors, because

434
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,719
Speaker 1: that's going to distract you from doing the work. And

435
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:39,480
Speaker 1: one of those is alcohol and alcohol and love addiction.

436
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,399
Speaker 1: You know, self medicating with alcohol and even disordered eating

437
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: gets in there very often too. But I just based

438
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,920
Speaker 1: on my own experience, it was the alcohol helped me

439
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 1: stay in my love addiction. Really yeah, because yeah, because

440
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: also it led to so much shame. I was self

441
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,720
Speaker 1: medicating all the all the anxiety, which then caused me

442
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,800
Speaker 1: to fee shameful because I would end up doing or

443
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: saying something I didn't mean to do or say, and

444
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,639
Speaker 1: then I'd be stuck in this spiral of shame, you know,

445
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,639
Speaker 1: inside my spiral of low addiction. It's so true and

446
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,640
Speaker 1: like for me specifically in my last relationship, I would

447
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 1: get in a terrible shame spiral just like you described,

448
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,760
Speaker 1: because I would try to make my feeling like it

449
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 1: was like I would have a new awareness or I

450
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,640
Speaker 1: would recognize a red flag. I would try to discuss

451
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,560
Speaker 1: it it wasn't there, what that wasn't happening in the

452
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,359
Speaker 1: relationship I was in. But instead of saying, hey, like

453
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 1: this isn't gonna work for me, or this this kind

454
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: of dynamic is not healthy for me, this is what

455
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,600
Speaker 1: I would need to stay all of these things, I

456
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: would just get so scared of oh my god, the

457
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:46,439
Speaker 1: relationship is going to end. And I could not process that,

458
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 1: especially because I had all that other stuff going on

459
00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:52,280
Speaker 1: in my life, and so to stay, I would have

460
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: to make the feelings go away, because it's like you

461
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:57,560
Speaker 1: know that statement, It's like once you know, you can't know. Well,

462
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,920
Speaker 1: I know a lot, Like I've done a lot of work,

463
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: have a lot of knowledge about addiction, especially like toxic relationships, trauma, bonding,

464
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,719
Speaker 1: how about the head knowledge, but actually like doing it

465
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: in my own life, I still have these attachment fears

466
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,520
Speaker 1: and like abandonment fears that come up. And so it's like, oh,

467
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 1: I gotta make that go away, because I, as much

468
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,480
Speaker 1: as I know this might not be a healthy dynamic,

469
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 1: I cannot leave right now, Like I physically, mentally emotionally

470
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,879
Speaker 1: can't handle that. Like that sounds like too much pain.

471
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,399
Speaker 1: And so I would drink. But the problem was is

472
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 1: then I would drink, and then eventually it still comes out.

473
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 1: And and when alcohol is involved, like you said, you

474
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 1: say it in a way that you wouldn't have said it,

475
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 1: or I would yell instead of speak, And it's like

476
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 1: then you wake up the next day and the only

477
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,440
Speaker 1: thing that's discussed is the meltdown that you had the

478
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,439
Speaker 1: night before, and it becomes about that and not the

479
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: actual real issue, Like the real issues were never actually

480
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,880
Speaker 1: addressed or discussed. And because I would feel so guilty

481
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 1: about my own behavior, you're a shameful about my own behavior,

482
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 1: I would just take all the blame and like take

483
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:07,360
Speaker 1: the over responsibility because then it's like, okay, well I'll

484
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: just I'll just do better next time I'll go get

485
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,440
Speaker 1: more help, and I'll you know, go to another intensive

486
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 1: or whatever. None of the things I actually probably needed

487
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 1: to be doing. But I just got so stuck in

488
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: my own shame and I knew that I wasn't proud

489
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:22,680
Speaker 1: of my own behavior, and that was the only thing

490
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: that I would focus on to fix. Yeah, we become

491
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,600
Speaker 1: the problem. It's like there's a problem. I always like

492
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,120
Speaker 1: to talk about the dynamic of and I. I don't

493
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,360
Speaker 1: love the terms love addict, love avoid, and I continue

494
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,920
Speaker 1: to use them because they worked for me in my recovery.

495
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 1: But let's just do it for the sake of this

496
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 1: uh little diagram I'm drawing here. But it's like a

497
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,160
Speaker 1: love addict, the love avoid and come together. Everything's just

498
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,400
Speaker 1: hot and heavy. Initially it seems so great, and then

499
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: it's it's almost like I would go into a new

500
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 1: relationship and really be in a fairly secure place because

501
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 1: between relationships, I would get my ship together. I'm amazing

502
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 1: between relationships I have on top of it. Yes, then

503
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 1: this guy comes along and would seem I'd be like,

504
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,160
Speaker 1: I don't know and then do all the quote unquote

505
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 1: right things. And as soon as I turned to face

506
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 1: him and say, Okay, you seem cool, let's do it.

507
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,679
Speaker 1: Let's go for this. There'd be a tiny shift in

508
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 1: his behavior or his energy, and that would trigger my insecure,

509
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 1: my anxious attachment, and then that's his avoidance, starting to

510
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,200
Speaker 1: move away, and I immediately get off my center to

511
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: run after him and try to catch him. And then

512
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm wobble because I'm not on my center anymore, and

513
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 1: I'm drinking to medicate all this discomfort and what you

514
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 1: can't unsee or un no because your your instincts are like, girl,

515
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 1: go run, get away from this guy. But you're like no, no, no,

516
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,960
Speaker 1: And so then I regress, say terrible things, become this

517
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: oversized toddler. And then all of a sudden, it's my problem.

518
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 1: It's not him, it's not for good. Did he have

519
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,840
Speaker 1: an issue? Like it's like that, right, what was I

520
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,040
Speaker 1: out about? Oh that's right? No, no, no, you're a

521
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 1: real problem, Kelly. Like and they're always happy to make

522
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 1: you to go along with that story because you're such

523
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 1: a good salesperson with that story. Oh if I'm sorry

524
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,280
Speaker 1: I did that. It's I'm just so insecure. I promise

525
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 1: I'll be better, I'll do And they're like yeah, because

526
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:20,479
Speaker 1: you right, and look at that. What's your therapist say

527
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:23,000
Speaker 1: about that? You know? Right, it was all of those things,

528
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 1: and I'm just happy to Like, I don't know if

529
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 1: I'm happy to do it, but it seems logical to

530
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 1: me in the shame spiral, like it's just seems like

531
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 1: the easy way out of the shame and out of

532
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: the possible abandonment. And so to me, when I'm triggered

533
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 1: into you know, we'll call it, we call it love, addiction, attachment, trauma,

534
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,840
Speaker 1: whatever it is. When I'm triggered into that, the only

535
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,080
Speaker 1: thing that I care about is not being abandoned, right,

536
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,480
Speaker 1: And it it takes, I'll do what it takes. I'll

537
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 1: do as much work as possible. And like we said,

538
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 1: like in between relationship, I'm a hard worker, so you know,

539
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,360
Speaker 1: I'm not and I'm not scared to do the deep dive.

540
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: I enjoy learning more about myself and I've had enough

541
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,720
Speaker 1: of the healing pieces of recovery work that I see

542
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: the benefit and so like I'm like, Okay, well it's

543
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: really painful now, but I'll go look at that and whatever,

544
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,120
Speaker 1: do the work and get to the other side, which

545
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:17,880
Speaker 1: is great. And I think I'll be doing that for

546
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 1: the rest of my life. And I'm learning that, like,

547
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 1: I can't be the only one in a relationship doing that,

548
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: that's right, or else I'm gonna keep being triggered back

549
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 1: into the same old stuff. Like I think. I thought

550
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,760
Speaker 1: that if I just got healthy enough, I could hold

551
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: it together for both of us, and like I can't.

552
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,720
Speaker 1: That is where I'm completely powerless, exactly and exactly and

553
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:40,800
Speaker 1: I you, we're just trying about I'll do whatever it

554
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 1: takes to not be abandoned. And it's not our thinking brain,

555
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 1: our rational brain that says that. It's our wounded part.

556
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: You know, it's much deeper than that. And so it's

557
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: you know, I'll do whatever it takes. I'll be the project,

558
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 1: I'll go to therapy. And it's control too, So you know,

559
00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 1: if I take the blame, if it's my fault, then

560
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 1: I can control it, that's right. Yeah, So it helps

561
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 1: us feel you know, like, Okay, I can control this.

562
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 1: It's not as out of control as it was feeling

563
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 1: ago when that abandonment was flaring it. If I can

564
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: control it, if I'm just gonna do all the work,

565
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: then I can make it work. It's more just like, Okay,

566
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 1: I'm the problem. Okay, let's get to work. Then like here,

567
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: let's add something else to the list. And what happened

568
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: to me the last time was like I added so

569
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 1: much to my list that I couldn't function. You know,

570
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 1: I'm like trying to quote unquote figure it out. I

571
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,840
Speaker 1: have a mentor that always has figured it out is

572
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,480
Speaker 1: not one of our slogans, and I think that's the

573
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 1: most brilliant thing ever, because the more I stay in

574
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: my mind, the more I'm in all of that stuff

575
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:45,560
Speaker 1: that like the wounding piece of it, because I'm just

576
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 1: trying to figure out how to like I said, stay

577
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,480
Speaker 1: um or not face the pain, Like I just want

578
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 1: to avoid more of that pain because I've had that

579
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,840
Speaker 1: pain before and it's terrible, and you know, I think

580
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 1: somewhere in me will be like, oh, you can't survive

581
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: it again. You just can't. And it literally can feel

582
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 1: like you're going to die, which people would think. I

583
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 1: think some people who don't feel this way might be

584
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:12,280
Speaker 1: like that feels dramatic, But that is how it feels,

585
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,600
Speaker 1: which is why the insanity comes in of trying to

586
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: maintain or stay or not feel those feelings because it

587
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,560
Speaker 1: feels like you're going to die if you feel I

588
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 1: always felt that way, like it feels like death. It

589
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,480
Speaker 1: feels like I'm going to die, like the world just

590
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: a big hole just opened up and I'm free falling

591
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 1: into the dark depths of the earth or something. And

592
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 1: when Kelly McDaniel came along with Mother Hunger and in

593
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:43,040
Speaker 1: working with her, I can I mean, she yes, it

594
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: is like death, because we're talking about pre verbal stuff,

595
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: you know, for us, and so even though our brain

596
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 1: is like, what's the big deal, I'll be okay, you know,

597
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: the wounded part, our little, tiny, little nervous system part

598
00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 1: that from way pre verbal, is somatically experience variancing this

599
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 1: moment as I'm going to die if this person does

600
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: not come toward me and validate me and love me,

601
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: you know. And so there's this I think she even

602
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: says in the book and in her book Mother Hunger,

603
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: and I think or I translated it this way. It's

604
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,080
Speaker 1: almost like there are two parts to us. There's a little, tiny, baby,

605
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: wounded part of us, you know, and then there's this very,

606
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 1: for lack of a better way of putting it, high

607
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:29,440
Speaker 1: functioning adult part, you know, who can really like we

608
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: said pull our ship together between relationships, and so they

609
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 1: live inside the same boy and it's very confusing because

610
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 1: they it's so confusing when they're both trying trying to

611
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:46,280
Speaker 1: drop the bus. Yeah, so you talked about this most

612
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 1: recent tumultuous relationship and do you can you elaborate on

613
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:57,920
Speaker 1: what happened? I know that it was several years on correct, Okay? Yeah,

614
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 1: So for me, I was in this relationship for three years.

615
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,760
Speaker 1: I would say when I look back, I'm like, oh,

616
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,479
Speaker 1: I tried to break up six months in the first time,

617
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 1: and then I continued on for two and a half years.

618
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 1: So if that tells you what my stuff looks like,

619
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:22,400
Speaker 1: I don't know. We have very similar stuff. I um.

620
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,360
Speaker 1: I you know, it's like when you emailed me about

621
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,839
Speaker 1: doing this, I was like, you said something like, what

622
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,839
Speaker 1: is your love addiction look like? And it's been so

623
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: interesting because I'm, you know, I'm still uncovering that, which

624
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,280
Speaker 1: is sort of why I think I was nervous getting

625
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 1: on this podcast day too, because it's not like I

626
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,799
Speaker 1: have this figured out right, and it's like every day

627
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 1: I'm learning new stuff and I'm still going through withdrawal

628
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:46,560
Speaker 1: phases of this relationship and so some days are really

629
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 1: ugly for me still, and so it can be very

630
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,960
Speaker 1: like intimidating to talk to you while you're navigating that.

631
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: And actually, I'm starting to really see the importance of

632
00:34:56,280 --> 00:35:00,840
Speaker 1: that because I just think that we I slate ourselves

633
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,239
Speaker 1: so much and so you only are seeing the good

634
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 1: sides of everybody, and especially with social media, you know,

635
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 1: like we all show up with this presentation of us,

636
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,800
Speaker 1: and I'm like, wait a second, this is why I

637
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,040
Speaker 1: get so stuck in comparison, because I'm comparing my insides

638
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:16,880
Speaker 1: to that person's outsides and it makes me crazy and

639
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,520
Speaker 1: I don't want to live my life that way, or

640
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:22,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to project that onto other people that

641
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 1: I have it all figured out, because as sure as

642
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,480
Speaker 1: hell don't and it's just day to day. But so anyway,

643
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,359
Speaker 1: with part of what I'm figuring out and my love

644
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:34,319
Speaker 1: addiction stuff is and I think this got exacerbated when

645
00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:37,600
Speaker 1: I went through the canceling of a wedding and all

646
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: of the pain of what that relationship loss was so

647
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,399
Speaker 1: traumatic for me, and I've done a lot of work

648
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:48,120
Speaker 1: around it, and it's still you know, can come up

649
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:52,319
Speaker 1: in different scenarios and so what has happened since in

650
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,920
Speaker 1: my relationships is that once I allow myself to love someone,

651
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:59,160
Speaker 1: it is so scary for me to think about losing

652
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:03,319
Speaker 1: that person pure it. And so in like this last relationship,

653
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:08,200
Speaker 1: I fell in love and although the flags were there

654
00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: and showing themselves of like you are not this is

655
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,160
Speaker 1: not a healthy dynamic for you, or you know, I

656
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,840
Speaker 1: would see certain things of avoidance that I've experienced before.

657
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 1: When I would ask for hard conversations, we could never

658
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: have them. You know, the intermittent reinforcement kind of thing

659
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,640
Speaker 1: that you were talked about where it's like you're so

660
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 1: so so in love and then you feel them kind

661
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: of pulling away, and so like I would get hooked

662
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 1: to that dynamic because it would it would be there

663
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 1: if I would start to panic and then have to

664
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 1: say like try to try to own my recovery and

665
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,279
Speaker 1: my knowledge and stuff and be like this is not good,

666
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 1: Like I'm not gonna be able to stay. If this happens,

667
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,400
Speaker 1: it would all turn. Or if I would set a boundary,

668
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,920
Speaker 1: it would turn, and the avoidance that I was feeling,

669
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,600
Speaker 1: he would come back strong, stronger, And so it was

670
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 1: so confused in my head. I just think that that

671
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:01,880
Speaker 1: really amplified all of my wounding, and before I knew it,

672
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:05,440
Speaker 1: I was just so desperate to keep the relationship and

673
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,839
Speaker 1: not have to feel the pain of losing someone else.

674
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:12,359
Speaker 1: I loved that I completely kept abandoning myself over and

675
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:16,040
Speaker 1: over and over and over. And that could look like drinking.

676
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 1: That could look like trying to pretend like I wasn't

677
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:21,879
Speaker 1: having those fearful feelings I was having. Um that would

678
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,279
Speaker 1: look like abandoning parts of my life, not showing up

679
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,120
Speaker 1: in my job and the way I needed to. My

680
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,280
Speaker 1: house was a mess. Like I said that to Kelly

681
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: when I talked to her. One of the main indications

682
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,960
Speaker 1: for me of where I am is like is my

683
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,360
Speaker 1: house a disaster? And is stuff just everywhere? And like

684
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 1: I'm not the most organized person. But when I'm functioning

685
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 1: well in my life and I'm sober and I'm like

686
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,560
Speaker 1: in a good headspace, I can keep on track of

687
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,359
Speaker 1: things and like things have a place. When I'm not,

688
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 1: it is just chaos everywhere. Um, and that's because I'm

689
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 1: trying to do too much or you know, like jump

690
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:01,319
Speaker 1: into someone else's life. That's like the over functioning in

691
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,920
Speaker 1: the relationship and functioning in you like, what do you

692
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,239
Speaker 1: guys need? And there were children in this relationship, and

693
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 1: so that just amplified things like I didn't have good

694
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 1: boundaries at all around that, and so it mostly like

695
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 1: what it looks like for me is just self abandonment

696
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:21,560
Speaker 1: and doing anything that I need to do that might

697
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: involve me leaving myself, but to be able to stay

698
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,960
Speaker 1: with this person that I love or this you know,

699
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:32,359
Speaker 1: relationship that I'm just I'm not willing to lose. Yeah,

700
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 1: I like the way you just refrain that that I

701
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,120
Speaker 1: love and or is it a relationship that I'm just

702
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 1: not willing to lose? Right? Well, And that's also something

703
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:45,840
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about lately. Love. You know, we believe

704
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:49,040
Speaker 1: that if we love someone, we should work hard at

705
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: it and make it work. But then how much well

706
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 1: it's all this romantic idea, which is a whole another

707
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,960
Speaker 1: podcast episode, but you know, it's also how much my

708
00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: loving myself if I am staying in this and trying

709
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:03,960
Speaker 1: to make it work. So and then the other thing

710
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 1: I do is like, well they said this, so you know,

711
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:14,840
Speaker 1: I'll like latch onto certain words and I'll forget about actions,

712
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 1: and so my body is like freaking out because it's

713
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 1: like their actions are not lining up up with their

714
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 1: words here sister, like hello or attention, and so internally

715
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 1: I'm like panic, panic, panic, which again is where alcohol

716
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,839
Speaker 1: would come into play of like nobody said this, so

717
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 1: like yeah, yeah, yeah he did that, but like whatever

718
00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 1: he said this, that's not what it is. It's what

719
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:38,239
Speaker 1: he said because that's what I want to believe. So

720
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:42,280
Speaker 1: I can stay right literally, they can be like spell

721
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,919
Speaker 1: it out for me. This is who I am. Look

722
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: at my actions. I'm showing you. And it's like my

723
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:50,560
Speaker 1: Angelou has that quote that says like when someone shows

724
00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: you believe them, that is my love addiction. It's like

725
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:56,680
Speaker 1: they're showing me who that it is. But we can

726
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,680
Speaker 1: change them because I don't want to heal too and

727
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 1: know they've had trauma to like I'll go through all

728
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:04,279
Speaker 1: these It's not like I'm trying to in my head,

729
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to change the person from who they are.

730
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 1: I just want the healed version of them. And so

731
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 1: it seems kind of loving. It's the potential. It's the

732
00:40:13,719 --> 00:40:16,440
Speaker 1: I can see the potential, you know, I see this

733
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:19,440
Speaker 1: person's potential. I'm just gonna hang in there. Yeah, I

734
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:22,279
Speaker 1: have it. They're a good person at their heart, you

735
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 1: know that, And I don't think that that's not true.

736
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:29,319
Speaker 1: But I have to look at what they're able to

737
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:32,879
Speaker 1: give me in the moment. And usually if I'm having

738
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 1: those thoughts, I'm not getting what I need, or the

739
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:39,399
Speaker 1: relationship is not a functioning relationship for me or one

740
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,520
Speaker 1: that I can stay out of my own stuff. Well.

741
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: And I also think, and I've also been thinking about

742
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,040
Speaker 1: this lately, is that just because someone's a good person

743
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,719
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're going to be a good partner for us,

744
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 1: you know, just like if someone is sober, it doesn't

745
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:54,560
Speaker 1: mean they're going to be a good partner for us.

746
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,000
Speaker 1: Or just because someone's in therapy doesn't mean they're going

747
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 1: to be a good partner for us, you know. But

748
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,000
Speaker 1: when we're in our of addiction, it's like, but he's

749
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: in therapy and he's really working on this stuff, but

750
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,080
Speaker 1: he just quit drinking and it's gonna get so much better.

751
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,719
Speaker 1: Or you know, there's all these things and that those

752
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,160
Speaker 1: are great. Those are great, but we have to look

753
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:14,120
Speaker 1: at what's going on for me right now. How much

754
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:17,560
Speaker 1: am I able to respect and love myself in this

755
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:20,880
Speaker 1: particular situation? Right, And if you would have asked me

756
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:23,600
Speaker 1: that about my last relationship, there was definitely not a

757
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: whole lot of love or respect for myself happening. I

758
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 1: actually think it was probably down to zero by the

759
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,160
Speaker 1: end of it because exactly what we were talking about,

760
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:35,600
Speaker 1: like the way I was behaving. I was so ashamed

761
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: of just who I had become, Like I didn't even

762
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 1: recognize myself, nor did I like the person that I was.

763
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:47,319
Speaker 1: But again, there were these pieces that I just was

764
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:51,280
Speaker 1: so hooked to and did not it was so scared

765
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 1: of losing. And I mean I would be lying if

766
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,879
Speaker 1: I said that that wasn't a really hard thing to leave,

767
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: you know, and it's still hard on a lot of days.

768
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 1: But ultimately I know that I wouldn't be able to

769
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: grow or thrive in that situation because I was just

770
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,440
Speaker 1: completely abandoning myself over and over and over and it

771
00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:14,560
Speaker 1: wasn't going to get better. Yeah eventually, Oh yeah, Oh yes,

772
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:17,800
Speaker 1: everything you're saying, I'm not only tracking, I am relating

773
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 1: to all of so yeah, I mean it's all very similar,

774
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 1: and really, you know, it's not that we're unique in this.

775
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: I think that in love addiction, there is a even

776
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:33,000
Speaker 1: though everyone's love addiction looks different, or attachment trauma looks different,

777
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 1: or behavior in relationships, there is a almost a script

778
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: that takes place with a lot of gray in between

779
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,480
Speaker 1: the lines. But you know, all of our cases can

780
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:48,720
Speaker 1: look very very similar but but also very very different. Yeah,

781
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 1: I was just thinking as you were saying that. One

782
00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 1: of my biggest challenges with I think getting hooked on

783
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,839
Speaker 1: the potential is, you know, my parents, as I grew

784
00:42:56,920 --> 00:43:00,960
Speaker 1: up how to dysfunctional relationship when I was younger, and

785
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,239
Speaker 1: then they got in recovery, and so it's been in

786
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:08,360
Speaker 1: a really confusing journey because I've watched my parents change

787
00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: and like heal a lot of their stuff. I mean,

788
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:12,880
Speaker 1: of course they're not perfect, and they would be the

789
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 1: first ones to tell you that, But because of that,

790
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 1: it's almost like I have this real attachment to know

791
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:23,920
Speaker 1: everyone can change because I've seen it happen. You know,

792
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: it's really challenging for me to accept that. One some

793
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:31,840
Speaker 1: people just don't want to, Like, I don't understand that

794
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:34,799
Speaker 1: for some reason, it's not how my brain works. And

795
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 1: if you told me I was hurting you in some

796
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:39,640
Speaker 1: capacity or I wasn't showing up in a way that

797
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,839
Speaker 1: was helpful to the relationship. I would constantly want to

798
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:46,399
Speaker 1: like dig deeper and and work on myself or try

799
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,640
Speaker 1: to grow or change things. So there's that piece of it.

800
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:52,359
Speaker 1: And then that they might not want to or that

801
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:55,239
Speaker 1: they're just like not willing to do the work, you know,

802
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 1: And so both of the because I just not I'm

803
00:43:58,080 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 1: not trying to put myself on like oh to my

804
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: horn here, that's just not how my brain works. And

805
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:05,480
Speaker 1: so it's very hard for me to grasp and especially

806
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,799
Speaker 1: after seeing what my parents did and the work that

807
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 1: they put in and how they did change and evolve. Um,

808
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:14,880
Speaker 1: that that's just not how everyone works. And so accepting

809
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:17,680
Speaker 1: people at face value and for actually who they are

810
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:20,560
Speaker 1: saying they are and showing you who they are is

811
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:24,640
Speaker 1: like times ten for me because of all the dynamics. Yeah,

812
00:44:24,719 --> 00:44:29,440
Speaker 1: because what I'm hearing that is that, um it's which

813
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: goes with our love addiction pattern? Is it? Once this changes, Yeah,

814
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 1: then this person right, then it will be what I

815
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 1: needed or want it to be. Right, it'll be great,

816
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:42,799
Speaker 1: But it's but see what that says, it's right now,

817
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:48,160
Speaker 1: it's not working. Right. I wouldn't choose this relationship, but

818
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,239
Speaker 1: I know it's going to change. So once it changes, right,

819
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:54,200
Speaker 1: and so ass me. Someone said to me, if the

820
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:57,840
Speaker 1: relationship stays like it is today for the rest of

821
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,279
Speaker 1: your life, would you want it? And I was, oh,

822
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:04,160
Speaker 1: hell no, Like it was like a hard no answer,

823
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:07,400
Speaker 1: like I knew I could not exist in this relationship

824
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:09,080
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life in the way that

825
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,840
Speaker 1: it was going. And she said, well, that's your answer.

826
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 1: It's not about what it could be or if you

827
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 1: guys got into recovery together or did all this therapy

828
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: work together, what the potential is. It's what it is

829
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 1: today if nothing changes, because we can't change another person,

830
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:29,520
Speaker 1: and we can't control what kind of work or not

831
00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 1: work they do, you know, none of that, And so

832
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: like the willingness piece that they would have, and so

833
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 1: it's just like accepting it as it is today. And

834
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:39,000
Speaker 1: that was when I knew, like I had to make

835
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 1: a different decision. For anyone who's listening thinking, Okay, yeah,

836
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:43,920
Speaker 1: this this sounds like me. That sounds like something I

837
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,959
Speaker 1: need to work on, want to work on. What would

838
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:48,239
Speaker 1: you recommend for anyone who's just getting started in their

839
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:52,279
Speaker 1: journey love addiction recovery. Well, one I would say be

840
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 1: gentle with yourself, because I think the idea of accepting

841
00:45:57,560 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 1: this stuff is is more difficult, or it was more

842
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 1: difficult for me than I ever anticipated that it would be.

843
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 1: Um and because of that, it can get overwhelming if

844
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:10,120
Speaker 1: you start to just you know, try to digest everything

845
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:13,279
Speaker 1: all at once, which as a love addict is one

846
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:16,040
Speaker 1: of my tendencies as well, is just to be like, Okay,

847
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 1: what book do I need to read, what therapy like,

848
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:20,520
Speaker 1: what breath work session, what the strology like it. I'll

849
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,320
Speaker 1: go do all of it, thinking that that's going to

850
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:26,640
Speaker 1: fix me. And for me now, the thing I've realized

851
00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,319
Speaker 1: is it is literally the reason they say, you know,

852
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:32,359
Speaker 1: one day at a time, next right step, those kind

853
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:35,640
Speaker 1: of things, is because that's all that really I can

854
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,880
Speaker 1: tolerate as I go through this healing process, because it

855
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:42,080
Speaker 1: can just be really overwhelming. And these wounds didn't get

856
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: here overnight. You know, most of them are some relationship

857
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:49,359
Speaker 1: dynamic from your childhood, which is so old that it's

858
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,120
Speaker 1: so unconscious because it's been a part of your life forever.

859
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:54,920
Speaker 1: So one I would just say, be gentle with yourself,

860
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:57,799
Speaker 1: and um no, it's a process, like it's not gonna

861
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:00,239
Speaker 1: get fixed. Overnight and that's okay, Like that doesn't mean

862
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:03,840
Speaker 1: that you're not okay. The p of Melody book Facing

863
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:07,840
Speaker 1: Love Addiction was my first toe tip. You know. My

864
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 1: therapist gave it to me five or six years ago. Yeah,

865
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: and I was like reading it like when she first

866
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,879
Speaker 1: she pulled the book out of the bookshelf and she said,

867
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,120
Speaker 1: this is what this sounds like. This was my relationship

868
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:22,480
Speaker 1: before this last one, and it was the same dynamic

869
00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:27,120
Speaker 1: where it was completely tumultuous and dysfunctional and not good

870
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:29,480
Speaker 1: for me, but I could not leave like I would

871
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,239
Speaker 1: try and I just kept going back or whatever. She said,

872
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:34,439
Speaker 1: this sounds like love addiction, and she pulled the book

873
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:36,399
Speaker 1: off her shelf and I was like, no, no, no,

874
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:41,439
Speaker 1: no no, I'm already in recovery for codependency and all

875
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 1: these and non issues like I've got this, you know,

876
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:47,239
Speaker 1: there's not gonna be another thing you're going to add

877
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:50,120
Speaker 1: to my list. But she was like, just go home

878
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 1: and like start reading this and see what comes up.

879
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 1: And I did, and it was just like one thing

880
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:59,239
Speaker 1: after another, like yep, yep, yep yep. So that hit me,

881
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 1: but I wasn't ready, Like I still wasn't ready to

882
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,759
Speaker 1: fully like do the work or dive in or take

883
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,000
Speaker 1: on a new twelve step program or work the steps

884
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:09,359
Speaker 1: again or whatever it looked like. And so I just

885
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:13,400
Speaker 1: decided I would make some different decisions and get another relationship,

886
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:16,000
Speaker 1: and sure enough, it was the same thing. And so

887
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:20,239
Speaker 1: I think it's more just like knowing that you have

888
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,960
Speaker 1: the choice. You don't have to do this work, but like,

889
00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:26,359
Speaker 1: if you're finding yourself in a pattern that's just not

890
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 1: serving you anymore, or you want something different from your relationships,

891
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:32,759
Speaker 1: that option is out there and you just have to

892
00:48:32,840 --> 00:48:35,600
Speaker 1: like do the work and it works if you work it.

893
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:37,359
Speaker 1: You know, they say that for a reason too, And

894
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:42,239
Speaker 1: so I'm just kind of diving into all of that myself.

895
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:45,160
Speaker 1: But it's it's just about taking it one step at

896
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 1: a time and knowing that the option for something different

897
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 1: is there and it doesn't have to always be like

898
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:54,080
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

899
00:48:54,239 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet and a

900
00:48:56,760 --> 00:49:00,960
Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty,

901
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:04,680
Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.

902
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 1: M HM