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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sandy and Smantha. Welcome stuff.

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Speaker 2: I've never told you production if I hurt radio, and

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Speaker 2: welcome to another edition of a Happy Hour. As always

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Speaker 2: with these segments, whatever you're doing, do so responsibly. Are

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Speaker 2: you sipping on anything, Samantha.

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Speaker 3: I am not, because a peek behind the curtain. This

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Speaker 3: is round two of our recording today, and I just

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Speaker 3: kind of ran up here because I was like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 3: we gotta go, and I forgot all the drinks.

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Speaker 2: We are in a bit of a scramble because we

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Speaker 2: are going to New York for a work slash fun trip,

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Speaker 2: and so that always means working to get ahead, and

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Speaker 2: then the holidays are happening, and so that adds to it.

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Speaker 1: So a lot.

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Speaker 2: We're doing a lot right now, and this episode will

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Speaker 2: probably be a bit shorter. I'm sipping on some red wine.

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Speaker 2: As I mentioned, it can be really strange because if

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Speaker 2: you're listening to these episodes when they come out, we

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Speaker 2: record in chunks. So you probably heard me say I

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Speaker 2: got the vaccine like a week ago. This is actually

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Speaker 2: just yesterday for me. But I feel a lot better today.

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Speaker 2: But I was having it, I was going through it yesterday.

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Speaker 3: It was a day delay. I feel like the flu

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Speaker 3: shot does that. It's like twelve to twenty four hours

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Speaker 3: later that I'm.

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Speaker 2: Like, yeah, it was pretty bad. I was so nauseated.

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Speaker 2: But I feel a lot better now.

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Speaker 3: Okay, good. That would be so sad, I would be

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Speaker 3: I would hate for we should be nauseous. Let trip

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Speaker 3: for New York when most of the planning part is

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Speaker 3: just food.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I already struggle with nausea. Oh, but I

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Speaker 1: did plan it. I planned it.

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Speaker 2: Like it's like it usually only takes me two days

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Speaker 2: together the vaccines. Yeah, So I feel much better this episode.

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Speaker 2: I just wanted to talk about some things that I

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Speaker 2: experienced going home for Thanksgiving. Not real it's it's all fine.

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Speaker 2: How are your holidays? I was thanxying for you.

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Speaker 3: You know, people keep asking, and because I'm in like

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Speaker 3: trip planning mode number two, I've kind of bypassed that

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Speaker 3: and I'm like, what are you talking about?

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Speaker 2: What? Oh?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it was great. My partner's family gets together at

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Speaker 3: his mother's house in Charleston, and I really like Charleston.

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Speaker 3: I think it's a really cute city. A lot of history,

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Speaker 3: both good and bad, obviously, but being there with them,

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Speaker 3: they are so wonderful. They do everything they can in

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Speaker 3: their power to make me feel welcome. They always do

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Speaker 3: lots of food, lots of food, and you know, down

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Speaker 3: with all the foods, and they love my dog, and

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Speaker 3: my dog loves lounging around and trying to get all

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Speaker 3: of the treats from them. So yeah, it was really nice,

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Speaker 3: good to see them. It's always nice. God of my

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Speaker 3: my family, my actual family really listens to any of this.

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Speaker 3: I'm in trouble, like I'm I'm gonna be in trouble,

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Speaker 3: but in actually like just being with a group of

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Speaker 3: people who are on the for the most point the

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Speaker 3: most part, like on the same level as I am

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Speaker 3: when it comes to political things, and like being stressed

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Speaker 3: out about all the all the political things and understanding

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Speaker 3: where I'm coming from instead of being in opposition and

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Speaker 3: have like we still kind of tiptoed around. We talked

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Speaker 3: about it, but at least we could like commiserate and

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Speaker 3: then be like, Okay, that's enough, because we can't think

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Speaker 3: about this type of moment like that's why we stop

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Speaker 3: talking about it, not because we're about to get into

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Speaker 3: each other's like hateless because we disagree with each other.

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Speaker 3: So it was that's a nice little break from me.

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Speaker 3: So very lovely, very very cozy times always feel welcome.

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Speaker 1: How about you.

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Speaker 2: It was good if you listen to this show, you know,

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Speaker 2: and I think we are not alone at all in this.

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Speaker 2: But we were very anxious about going home. I was

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Speaker 2: very anxious about driving my old car. Did fine.

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Speaker 1: I made it. I made it home, but because of a.

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Speaker 2: Lot of work things, I came later than I normally

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Speaker 2: would and I left earlier than I normally would, and.

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Speaker 1: There was some a couple of things, there was some drama.

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Speaker 2: So I I feel like I've become the Christmas trope

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Speaker 2: of the city woman who only comes home yeah, a

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Speaker 2: certain amount of time, and she's so stressed and she's

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Speaker 2: putting work first and all this. I got a lot

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Speaker 2: of comments about, like, you finally made it out of

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Speaker 2: the city, which I'm not offended by.

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Speaker 1: It was just coma right because three people ended up

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Speaker 1: showing up that I didn't. I wasn't expecting. Oh No.

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Speaker 2: One is a friend of my mom's and she's always like,

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Speaker 2: you made it out, you did it. One was a

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Speaker 2: friend of my brother's fiance whom I've never met, and

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Speaker 2: he was he was really nice. And we had a

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Speaker 2: We hit it off, which is lucky because that would

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Speaker 2: have been bad. And then my little brother showed up,

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Speaker 2: and that's kind of a big deal because he and

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Speaker 2: my older brother haven't spoken in about a year, I think,

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Speaker 2: but we didn't know. I didn't know he was coming,

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Speaker 2: so the tension was high. But it all worked out.

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Speaker 2: It was all fine. But I guess one of the

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Speaker 2: things I wanted to talk about with this is I

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Speaker 2: had this moment I left early, and it kind of

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Speaker 2: caused a little bit of upset in terms of like,

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Speaker 2: is this because of me? Are you leaving early because

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Speaker 2: of me? And it wasn't that. And my family, like

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Speaker 2: any family, we've got a lot of history and drama

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Speaker 2: and arguments and all of this to back up you know,

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Speaker 2: these feelings in some ways. But I really was just like,

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Speaker 2: I gotta go to New York next week and I

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Speaker 2: gotta get all this work done. And I just had

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Speaker 2: this moment several times when I was home where I was.

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Speaker 1: Like, who is this for?

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Speaker 2: Like if and I'm gonna sound like such an adult,

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Speaker 2: but there's just some moments where I was like, you

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Speaker 2: don't have to I feel like you're making yourself talk

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Speaker 2: to me because you feel guilt or something like you

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Speaker 2: don't have to do this, and that makes me feel

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Speaker 2: bad because maybe they want to fix something that they

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Speaker 2: think is broken.

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Speaker 3: Or like.

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Speaker 1: Because I do that too.

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Speaker 2: And I caught myself thinking about that with my mom

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Speaker 2: because a lot of times I feel a lot of

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Speaker 2: pressure to like make my mom happy and put up

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Speaker 2: the decorations and do all this stuff. And sometimes I'm like,

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Speaker 2: maybe she doesn't even maybe who is this for? Is

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Speaker 2: this for me or is it for her? And there

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Speaker 2: were just so many moments this weekend where I caught

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Speaker 2: myself thinking that, and then I felt guilty because you know,

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Speaker 2: the holidays, the message you get is it's all about

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Speaker 2: the togetherness, like sometimes more buy e oh yeah, buy

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Speaker 2: things and be together with your family. But I just like,

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Speaker 2: I think I've been torn on this for a minute,

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Speaker 2: and We've been talking about it in a couple of

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Speaker 2: my recent happy hours where I'm trying to find the

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Speaker 2: line between boundaries and me just being shut off because

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Speaker 2: I don't want to deal with something that because I'm

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Speaker 2: not great at conflicts. I'm not great at like emotional conversations,

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Speaker 2: And where's the line between me being like a selfish

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Speaker 2: I don't want to deal with you, versus a healthy boundary.

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Speaker 1: Of I don't want to deal with right, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard when it comes to family too, because

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Speaker 3: when it comes to elections and then religion in general

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Speaker 3: and just growing up, it's when you start diverting from

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Speaker 3: their belief system or something that they taught you all

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Speaker 3: your life, and then you start questioning things, and the

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Speaker 3: reaction to how you're questioning things, your own reaction to

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Speaker 3: that reaction, like all of those things that happen, it's

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Speaker 3: really fuzzy. And then also knowing, yes, this is still

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Speaker 3: my family and not for everyone, because I definitely definitely

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Speaker 3: know that there are families who are so toxic an

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Speaker 3: abuse and all that come into play, and that the

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Speaker 3: best choice is to cut them off and be with

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Speaker 3: your chosen family, and that is healthy and that is

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Speaker 3: exactly what you should do for yourself. But when we're

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Speaker 3: talking about the middle line, where when it comes to

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Speaker 3: my health and my issues and if I needed anything,

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Speaker 3: my family is going to be there one hundred and

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Speaker 3: twenty thousand percent. If I needed to borrow money, they

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Speaker 3: would be calling me, you know, I woulduld call them

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Speaker 3: and even if they're in a stretch that could try

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Speaker 3: to help me somehow, like all of the different things.

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Speaker 3: If I were to be homeless, I could live with them.

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Speaker 3: They're not going to kick me out, even if they

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Speaker 3: disagree with everything I did. And I still hold to

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Speaker 3: the fact that even in it as anti LGBTQ as

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Speaker 3: they are, if I were to come out at any point,

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Speaker 3: they would still never do to me what some of

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Speaker 3: the families have done. And it's just atrocious, which is

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Speaker 3: again the part where I'm like, you don't do what

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Speaker 3: you're voting for, You don't do what you're you know

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Speaker 3: what you say you're voting for, but why would you

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Speaker 3: do this. It's such a weird level of hypocrisy that

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Speaker 3: I don't understand. We've talked about this, but all of

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Speaker 3: that to say is I could never cut my family

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Speaker 3: off because of that. But trying to maintain what is

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Speaker 3: a healthy boundary versus me just doesn't want to deal

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Speaker 3: with you, yeah, or dealing with this type of drama

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Speaker 3: or dealing with this Like I've had my partner come

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Speaker 3: back to me like you need to talk to them,

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Speaker 3: you need to do these things because like not because

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Speaker 3: he feels like I'm being mean, but because I think

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Speaker 3: partially I would feel guilty and that would either away

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Speaker 3: with me just as much as spending too much time

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Speaker 3: with them. So yeah, like when it comes to family,

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Speaker 3: even with the best intent, like I said, I think,

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Speaker 3: like all of us, even if you have the same

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Speaker 3: belief system, doesn't mean that you're not going to disagree

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Speaker 3: on something. And it could be as trivial as a

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Speaker 3: not liking pumpkin, you know, like you know, you never know,

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Speaker 3: but like it's such a hard like point to look at,

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Speaker 3: being like, Okay, this is the boundary that I'm setting

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Speaker 3: and it's healthy versus Again, man, I just don't want

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Speaker 3: to deal with you. I just I can't handle you,

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Speaker 3: and I don't know what else to do but to

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Speaker 3: ignore you. But then also partially like knowing that I

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Speaker 3: could come to you, you know, like, and you feel

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Speaker 3: guilty in that too. There's just so many levels to that.

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Speaker 3: It really is like when it comes to family, unless

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Speaker 3: it's that toxic level that we just you know, I

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Speaker 3: preface at the beginning, because not all people are the same.

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Speaker 3: We know, those and them cutting you out because of things,

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Speaker 3: you know, like they're there are those like it just

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Speaker 3: when you're in that middle gray line, it feels.

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Speaker 1: Uncertain.

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Speaker 3: I don't think anybody can define even yourself, even people

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Speaker 3: out side of that, even therapists could define those lines

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Speaker 3: for you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's exactly what I'm struggling with, is the

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Speaker 2: that like middle of I suppose, I feel really terribly

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Speaker 2: sometimes because I I'd also be in trouble if my

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Speaker 2: family listen to this.

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Speaker 1: I feel like.

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Speaker 2: I'm not When I go home, I'm most excited to

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Speaker 2: talk to my mom and my brothers, and I like

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Speaker 2: we've had.

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Speaker 1: Fights.

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Speaker 2: We have had fights, but we've made it like a

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Speaker 2: lot of strides. I didn't talk to my older brother

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Speaker 2: for years, and now we talk, but it's mostly about

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Speaker 2: like shows we've seen on streaming or something, and that's

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Speaker 2: fine with me. But I also don't watch a lot

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Speaker 2: of stuff on streaming, and he is so into politics,

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Speaker 2: and like I said, we are on the same side,

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Speaker 2: and yet and yet we just fight about it. So

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Speaker 2: it feels like I'm kind of controlling the well, we

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Speaker 2: can't talk about politics, so it's we're gonna talk about this,

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Speaker 2: and I feel kind of strange about that.

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Speaker 1: And then like, I mean, I think it's fair given

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Speaker 1: what's happened in the.

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Speaker 2: Past, but so he kind of like we were talking

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Speaker 2: about it and he kind of did bring up politics,

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Speaker 2: but nothing that was nothing.

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Speaker 1: It was more just this is the world we live in.

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Speaker 2: And then the next day when I was leaving, I

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Speaker 2: think that's why it was because of me, It wasn't.

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Speaker 2: I literally like, up to the last minute, I was

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Speaker 2: debating on if I should stay the extra day or not.

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I just feel I worry that it's like I'm controlling

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Speaker 2: the what you get to talk about and how long

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Speaker 2: we talk, and like all of these things. It may

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Speaker 2: I have some friends that I feel like this too.

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Speaker 2: I was talking about Star Wars and like, I don't

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Speaker 2: want you at my Star Wars day. Like there's just

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Speaker 2: certain things where I'm like, I just don't know if

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Speaker 2: I'm being like, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I love it. I don't want you.

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Speaker 3: Sorry you're on my Star Wars day.

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Speaker 1: You know what.

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Speaker 3: I think that in itself, like something that you are doing,

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Speaker 3: if you are creating an event, or you have the

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Speaker 3: right to say who can and can't come, that's not

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Speaker 3: over the limit thing.

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Speaker 1: That's a boundary thing I think is healthy.

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Speaker 3: You do you you make yourself happy, although it does

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Speaker 3: feel awkward when you were like either know everybody or

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Speaker 3: no one sometimes and you're like, I can't do this

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Speaker 3: because I.

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Speaker 1: Know you personally.

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Speaker 3: We've had these conversations like that statement about your brother.

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Speaker 3: Was that like an accusation when he's like, are you

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Speaker 3: leaving because of me? Or was it like I'm sorry

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Speaker 3: if you're leaving because of me?

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Speaker 2: It felt kind of like he said he was like,

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Speaker 2: I didn't chase you off, did I?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 3: Well, it sounds like he's thinking someone has says something

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Speaker 3: to him. I don't know if it's I don't know

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Speaker 3: if it's the mother, like someone your mother who's been

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Speaker 3: like A because it's not just it wasn't just you

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Speaker 3: then like they knew very clearly A, you are crossing

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Speaker 3: the line. So for that matter, I'm not that I'm

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Speaker 3: telling you to do whatever. I feel like he's that's

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Speaker 3: just him learning his how to how to respect your boundaries.

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Speaker 3: So that might be a healthier move than you think that.

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Speaker 3: I think you're thinking you could be thinking too much

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Speaker 3: onto your like you're wrongdoing because this is what we do. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: but more so unlike thinking of it as like he's

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Speaker 3: learning to which sounds like a good place.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, question mark.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've always been like the keeper in the family.

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Speaker 2: I always steel like apologetic one, and it feels strange

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Speaker 2: to be not in that. Yeah, and so it makes

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Speaker 2: me feel like, oh no, now he feels bad that

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Speaker 2: he can't talk about politics around me, and like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: No, I definitely from the way you're sounding, just in

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Speaker 3: my perspective, from the way you're sounding as like, it

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Speaker 3: sounds like he's learning and that's great, and that his

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Speaker 3: learning is gonna after. He's one of these people too

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Speaker 3: that needs to actually work it out verbally out loud

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Speaker 3: because he may not.

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Speaker 1: Read the cues really well.

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Speaker 3: So he's like, wait, this is because of me, because

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, like type of conversation which is really healthy.

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Speaker 3: So maybe he's learning some healthy communication skills and boundary

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Speaker 3: skills and it just happens to be you who helps

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Speaker 3: him see those boundaries, which feels kind of at first

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Speaker 3: because then you're like, oh, no, I'm made a rucus,

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Speaker 3: But in actuality, it has nothing to do with you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true. I guess the other part of it

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Speaker 2: is I've always I've felt this way a long time

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Speaker 2: and I think now I look back, it's like in

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Speaker 2: relationships's because I was say sexual. Sometimes I feel like

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Speaker 2: I control a lot, like the power, and so I

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Speaker 2: feel like he's making a lot of strides to fix things,

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Speaker 2: and I'm.

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Speaker 1: Kind of like I'm good and that okay.

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Speaker 2: That makes me feel bad too, like because he is trying,

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Speaker 2: he really is, and I think I'm just so I

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Speaker 2: just haven't let go of so much of the stuff

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Speaker 2: and that is something I have.

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Speaker 1: To work on.

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Speaker 3: But again, this is one of those conversations that we

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Speaker 3: have with people who want to apologize or want to apologize,

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Speaker 3: but the person you're apologizing to makes the choice, and

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Speaker 3: whatever that choice they make, it's okay. And a part

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Speaker 3: of the apology is accepting it that way, accepting the

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Speaker 3: it's not okay or they still need more time. And

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Speaker 3: that's an important lesson too, Like we keep talking about it.

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Speaker 3: I've seen it, like when it comes to racial remarks

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Speaker 3: and on a bigger platform on social media, and we

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Speaker 3: see a white person doing something racist and then all

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Speaker 3: the white people be like, you're fine, you don't need

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Speaker 3: to apologize. We accept this apology, and everybody's like, who

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Speaker 3: the are we unless you are from that targeted group

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Speaker 3: of people, you can't accept this for them, Like it's

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Speaker 3: both of those things, and those people who have been

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Speaker 3: targeted can choose to say, we do not accept this,

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Speaker 3: we don't believe you, like or you need to work

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Speaker 3: harder and that should be okay, Like it's just both

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Speaker 3: of those conversations are such a big part in this

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Speaker 3: whole thing.

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Speaker 1: Like you're coming to make amends.

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Speaker 3: You're coming to realize, oh, I made the wrong choice

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Speaker 3: or I said the wrong thing, like coming in the end,

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Speaker 3: like you can't make someone like forgive you and that's

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Speaker 3: on you, Like that's just and you're gonna.

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Speaker 1: Have to accept that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it doesn't make it easier, but.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is like becoming a much bigger because

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Speaker 2: now that I'm thinking about, there's also like issue of

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Speaker 2: at the moment, he doesn't have a lot of like

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Speaker 2: interaction socially, and so maybe when I come home it's

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Speaker 2: more important. I'm so sorry if you're listening, this is

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Speaker 2: sounding horrible. Maybe it's just like to me, I'm tired

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Speaker 2: from the socializing, all right, but maybe to him it's different.

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Speaker 2: And also I think everybody in my family, but I

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Speaker 2: feel like he's had a long history of having to

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Speaker 2: fit in when he was struggling with some neurodivergence, and

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Speaker 2: so it's like he has to he feels like he

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Speaker 2: has to act a certain way, and a part of

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Speaker 2: that I think has been and is often but it

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Speaker 2: has been like sold to us as you got if

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Speaker 2: somebody is you got to go socialize, you gotta go

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Speaker 2: do it. But there's so many times where again I

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Speaker 2: feel like such a soul or I was just like

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Speaker 2: I don't if you don't want to be here, you

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Speaker 2: don't have to talk to me.

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Speaker 1: It's okay, right, what is this for?

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Speaker 2: Who is this for?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 3: When it comes to holidays, holiday gatherings, there's a lot

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Speaker 3: of like unknowns, even with your family, even where it

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Speaker 3: could be the most comfortable, but then you bring in

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Speaker 3: like new people, new partners, new babies because step babies

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Speaker 3: like and it becomes a little like, oh, you have

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Speaker 3: to restructure, we have to redo this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it is true, like I'm not saying something

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Speaker 2: nobody knows and it is awkward, and like the city

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Speaker 2: girl coming back to the town and everybody's like like

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Speaker 2: there's just all of these kind of strange, awkward moments

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Speaker 2: when you go home or see people you don't have.

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Speaker 3: The hallmark special is that you're going to run into

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Speaker 3: an old classmate. I'll classmate. I was like seeing the

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Speaker 3: bise actual version here a classmate that you never knew

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Speaker 3: was out and then all these things happened in the

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Speaker 3: drama and then you moved there and have that little shop.

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Speaker 1: Coffee Christist Tree Firm and yeah, coffee shop.

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Speaker 3: That's the thing that like a lot of LGBTQ plus

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Speaker 3: things happened, you get a cast shoppee shop or a bookstore.

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Speaker 1: That's true. So far, that has not been my hallmark.

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Speaker 1: I've also gotten where like I don't change out of

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Speaker 1: my pajamas when I go home.

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Speaker 2: I'm I'm so if I meet some classmates, they're gonna

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Speaker 2: have to be cool with me being in my pajamas.

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Speaker 3: At all the Star Wars themed and that's how to meet.

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Speaker 1: Cute happens, that's how we connect. Yes exactly, Yes.

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Speaker 2: Well, uh, let me know listeners if you have feelings

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Speaker 2: like this, because I'm still working through them. I've said before,

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Speaker 2: I this sounds terrible too, but I used to have

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Speaker 2: what I call the list of neglects, and it was

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Speaker 2: my list of like you need to check in on

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Speaker 2: this person, and I had to ask, I had to

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Speaker 2: ask myself, who is that for? Like, are you are

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Speaker 2: you doing that because you feel guilty? Are you doing

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Speaker 2: it because you genuinely like want to hang out with them?

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Speaker 2: Think they want to hang out with you?

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Speaker 1: The list of neglect was deleted, so I think that

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Speaker 1: hurt my feelings the same line.

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Speaker 2: No, well, it was usually like a rotation. You wouldn't

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Speaker 2: have been on it, but I like you were, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, you got your circles of friends. It just

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Speaker 2: like that outside got periphery where I'd be like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: just so I didn't forget fair.

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Speaker 1: That's fair.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I gotta do some some soul searching. Anyway, listeners,

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Speaker 2: if you have any thoughts, our suggestions, or advice, please

408
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,119
Speaker 2: let me know. You can email this stuff in your

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Speaker 2: mom stuff at i heeartmedia dot com. You can find

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00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 2: us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Were on Instagram

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00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,199
Speaker 2: and TikTok at stuff I never told you. We have

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00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,879
Speaker 2: a YouTube page, we have a tea public store, and

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00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 2: we have a book you can get wherever you get

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00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,000
Speaker 2: your books. Thanks, It's always to our super producer Christina

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Speaker 2: or xated producer Maya and our contributor Joey.

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Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening.

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Speaker 2: Stuff Will Never chold Youse production My Heart Radio for

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00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,000
Speaker 2: more podcasts. When I heart radio, you can check out

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Speaker 2: the hurt Radio app, Apple podcast or where you listen

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Speaker 2: to your favorite shows.