1 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: Hi. I'm Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist, 2 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 1: and speaker. 3 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,120 Speaker 2: And I'm Sarah hart Hunger, a mother of three, practicing physician, writer, 4 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 2: and course creator. We are two working parents who love 5 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 2: our careers and our families. 6 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about 7 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: how real women manage work, family, and time for fun. 8 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:34,200 Speaker 1: From figuring out childcare to mapping out long term career goals. 9 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 1: We want you to get the most out of life. 10 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:43,920 Speaker 1: Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. This 11 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 1: episode is airing in mid to late July. We are 12 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:51,280 Speaker 1: going to be talking extended family management. So many people, 13 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,959 Speaker 1: of course have extended families, which is a good thing 14 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 1: in life in general, but it can introduce some complications 15 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: and some logistical challenges as you're trying to figure out 16 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: how to manage that in addition to all the other 17 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: things that you have going on in your life. So 18 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: real quick questions, Sarah, do you see more of your 19 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,479 Speaker 1: family or your husband's family. 20 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 2: I would say I think it's kind of different. I 21 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,200 Speaker 2: do see more of my husband's family on a regular basis, 22 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 2: but it's not like I have multi day adventures with 23 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 2: them versus because my family lives farther. When I do 24 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 2: go to see them, it's generally for longer a period 25 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 2: of time. 26 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's sort of similar split, although the 27 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: other direction with us, we live closer to members of 28 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: my family, so when we see them, I mean, we 29 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,320 Speaker 1: can see them more frequently, but it would be shorter 30 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: when we do, Like we would pretty much never stay 31 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: overnight in New Jersey when visiting family there. My husband's 32 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: family nobody lives that close, so it tends to be 33 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: a longer trip if we are seeing them, but we 34 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,800 Speaker 1: probably see them less frequently. But yeah, this episode is 35 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: all about extended family management and just a couple of 36 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: things to talk about it with it first, I mean, 37 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 1: people's lives are so different in this regard. There's some 38 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: aspects of life that could be similar people to people. 39 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: But as we started talking to people for this episode, 40 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 1: you realize that some people live like in the same 41 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,919 Speaker 1: town as dozens of their immediate family members, and some 42 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 1: people live across the country across the world from like 43 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: one other family member. There are varying expectations on either 44 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: side of what these relationships should look like. Some people, 45 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: it's going to be an expectation of seeing each other 46 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: all the time. Some people that is not the case. 47 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: Just one other thing is that this episode is not 48 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 1: necessarily about dealing with aging parents, although that obviously plays 49 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:57,200 Speaker 1: into the idea of extended family management, but that's just 50 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 1: an entirely separate can ofform so not getting in to 51 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,840 Speaker 1: all that also will not be tremendously personal. Just our 52 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 1: families may listen to this episode too. But we did 53 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:10,040 Speaker 1: talk to a ton of people about this as we 54 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: were coming up with the episode, So Sarah, maybe you 55 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:14,959 Speaker 1: mentioned why you thought we should do this episode too. 56 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, this is such a universal thing. Everyone has to 57 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 2: manage it, and I think there are so many thoughts 58 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 2: about there being a right way to do it, and 59 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 2: I think that getting a sense of the very different 60 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 2: ways that people manage this, from having older relatives live 61 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 2: in their house to being on completely different continents and 62 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 2: not having any consistent content like there is no one 63 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 2: right way. Everyone can choose what works for them. And 64 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 2: that applies both to us as these middle sandwich generations 65 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 2: many of us, and it applies to the older generation 66 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 2: and how much they choose to remain involved in their kids. 67 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 2: And hopefully there's not a big mismatch and people's desires, 68 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 2: and I guess that the overarching thing was like, Okay, interesting, 69 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 2: everyone has to find some sort of compromise. 70 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, So we started organizing this episode by a 71 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 1: few overarching principles that can help as you think about 72 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: how to manage whatever the different situation you happen to 73 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,720 Speaker 1: be dealing with versus other people you know might be 74 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,400 Speaker 1: dealing with. The first is that extended family management. We're 75 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,159 Speaker 1: going to imagine that most of our listeners are female, 76 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 1: but extended family management is not your job alone. If 77 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 1: you happen to be in a two parent family that 78 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: you have a partner, the most logical setup is that 79 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: each of you is responsible for your own relationships with 80 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 1: the extended family on your side, right, So you are 81 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: responsible for your extended family management. Your partner is responsible 82 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 1: for his or her extended family management. And the expectation 83 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,159 Speaker 1: is not that one partner would deal with all of 84 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 1: it for everyone, right. And I think this is important 85 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: to realize. I saw a book that was being advertised 86 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 1: recently about managing the mother in law relationship, and I 87 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,960 Speaker 1: realized how hard it would be to sell a book 88 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 1: about the son father in law relationship. People would be like, 89 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: no one's going to read that, like that's not a thing. 90 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: I mean, people just don't still expect men to be 91 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,159 Speaker 1: managing these cross family relationships or that it would be 92 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 1: a source of huge drama like how to deal with 93 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,559 Speaker 1: your father in law disapproving of how you are being 94 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,159 Speaker 1: a dad or something like that. You just like that 95 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:32,039 Speaker 1: book does not exist because people are still not walking 96 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: around with that story, right, Sarah. 97 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 2: Super super interesting And I haven't done a lot of 98 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 2: thinking about this myself. I was reflecting on why, and 99 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 2: I think it has to do with the fact that 100 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 2: I met my in law so young that like I 101 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 2: don't know, like they've known me for more than half 102 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 2: my life at this point, and so there is like 103 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 2: a little bit of a parental takeover, not to replace 104 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 2: my own parents, but yeah, for us, I think it 105 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,120 Speaker 2: gets a little messier in that I feel like I 106 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 2: want to manage that relationship too because it's so long 107 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,760 Speaker 2: standing as well, if that makes sense. 108 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, but just that it shouldn't be seen as primarily 109 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,400 Speaker 1: your responsibility, like you know, totally, like if your mother 110 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: in law didn't get a birthday present, it would not 111 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,839 Speaker 1: be that everyone thinks Sarah is doing something wrong, right. 112 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 2: I mean, everyone probably would, but it shouldn't be that. 113 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: It shouldn't be that. Yeah, And related to that, I 114 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,599 Speaker 1: saw another social media post that was complaining that in 115 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 1: this day and age, the mother in law shouldn't be 116 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 1: iced out, that the mother in law should be just 117 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,600 Speaker 1: as important a relationship, and I was like, well, that's 118 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: the wrong way to view it. It's not that. Like, 119 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,800 Speaker 1: what it is is that if a mother in law 120 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: is sort of iced out, it's because the son is 121 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 1: not managing that relationship, is not doing like the emotional 122 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,600 Speaker 1: labor to keep that relationship going and like making sure 123 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 1: that he knows the schedule well enough that they are 124 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:50,600 Speaker 1: able to see them and like that. It works into everything, 125 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: you know, and it's not doing the calls and doing 126 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: the right you know. It's like, it's not that she's 127 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 1: iced out, it's that each person is responsible for their 128 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: own family management. And if you're son is not doing that, 129 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: that's not on your daughter in law to make it happen, right, 130 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah. 131 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 2: And joking aside, I actually don't really manage gifts for 132 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 2: my in laws because we're not like a super gifty 133 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 2: family and it's seen as like a bonus. So I 134 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 2: feel like if it's going to happen, it can be him, 135 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 2: and he does it when it feels right, like bringing 136 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 2: flowers for around Mother's Day, or we just forgo gifts 137 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:28,119 Speaker 2: and everyone's fine. So yeah, I think gifts are actually 138 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 2: an interesting way to gauge to ask yourself that question 139 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 2: like who is in charge of this relationship and if 140 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 2: you feel like you wouldn't be awkward to show up 141 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 2: around their birthday or like who would kind of get 142 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 2: the blame, then that would kind of answer that question. 143 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 2: If you didn't have a gift. 144 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: We definitely split it that who is responsible for each 145 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,640 Speaker 1: of the gifts as I am my family, Michael is 146 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: his family, and that's just the way we have set 147 00:07:54,680 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 1: it up with that. Another general principle is that if 148 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: there is any drama for anyone, we're not saying any 149 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: of our listeners ever would have that happen. But as 150 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 1: an adult, you get to choose who to have a 151 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:15,360 Speaker 1: relationship with, right and even if the answer isn't no relationship, 152 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: you do get to set boundaries around it. You get 153 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: to decide how much effort you are going to put 154 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 1: into things. And where this came up. We saw mention 155 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: this on our Patreon page, like, if you, for instance, 156 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: have three small children, and other relatives do not have 157 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: three small children, it is not necessarily fair of them 158 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: to expect that all contact will be you getting on 159 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,679 Speaker 1: the plane with three small children to go see them. 160 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 1: And you can decide that you're not going to do 161 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: it right, You're say like, we would love to see you. 162 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:51,240 Speaker 1: It's really hard, expensive, challenging to get three small children 163 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:56,080 Speaker 1: on the plane. Open invitation comes see us whenever you want. 164 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 1: They can whine about it. But Sarah and I have 165 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,880 Speaker 1: both been reading the Mel Robbins book the let Them Theory, 166 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: which is that you can also just let them whine 167 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: about it. That doesn't mean that you have to do 168 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 1: anything about it. 169 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think this is really great. I think that. 170 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 2: And interestingly, you said something like we're open to have 171 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 2: you visit. That doesn't even mean we're open to have 172 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 2: you stay in our house, because depending on you might 173 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 2: live in a New York City apartment that night might 174 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,199 Speaker 2: not be feasible. But it doesn't preclude someone else coming in, 175 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 2: renting a hotel two blocks away, or whatever it is. 176 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:36,400 Speaker 2: It's going to take time, money, and effort. To bring 177 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 2: fur floung relatives together, and everyone can choose whether they 178 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 2: want to expend that effort, and the other side can 179 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 2: be fine with, Okay, you're not traveling, but then they 180 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,679 Speaker 2: can't be mad about not seeing you if they're not 181 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 2: willing to make the effort either. So I'm with you. 182 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,199 Speaker 2: I mean, I've come up basically with my own policy 183 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 2: around this, which works really well and I think keeps 184 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 2: everyone reasonably happy, which is I've just decided I'll come 185 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 2: to Philadelphia twice a year. I try to one in 186 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,559 Speaker 2: the summer, one in the winter. The dates vary a 187 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,599 Speaker 2: little bit, although I've gotten into a quite of a 188 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 2: Fourth of July groove the last four years. And bonus, 189 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,079 Speaker 2: Laura lives there too, so I'm able to have like 190 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 2: a friend trip and a family trip in one and 191 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: so everyone seems okay with that. Thankfully. I haven't heard like, 192 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 2: we want to see you more. I'm like, great, you 193 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 2: know where Florida is. It's not that far and you 194 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 2: can buy a ticket. But everyone seems okay with the 195 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 2: current situation, so we're good. 196 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And so with that, especially if you 197 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 1: are living farther away from people. Another principle well, all right, 198 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,439 Speaker 1: Well we'll take a quick ad break and then we'll 199 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,360 Speaker 1: come back and talk about this next principle. 200 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,239 Speaker 2: I'm just gonna leave a cliffhanger. 201 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: Well, we are back talking extend family management and some 202 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: of the principles we've been talking about. First, this is 203 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 1: a shared responsibility. It should not generally be on one 204 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: person if there are two adults in a family to 205 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 1: manage all extended family relationships. In general, it's probably logical 206 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,679 Speaker 1: for people to own the relationships with their side of 207 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,360 Speaker 1: the family, even if the other partner does obviously have 208 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: a long standing relationship with the people. Second, that as 209 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: an adult, you get to choose how much effort you 210 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: are putting into various relationships. There is no one objective 211 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:37,200 Speaker 1: right standard. There is the amount of effort that you 212 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: can muster given everything else that is going on in 213 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 1: your life, and that people can share the responsibility of 214 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,679 Speaker 1: getting together. A third principle is that you might want 215 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: to look at time holistically. And one reason we've talked 216 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:58,080 Speaker 1: in the past about setting travel and vacation dates for 217 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,600 Speaker 1: an entire year time and I know Sarah does this 218 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 1: just because of when the call schedule it comes out. 219 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: She and her husband need to put in their dates 220 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 1: for call right, so you have to look at this 221 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: a longer period of time. 222 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 2: We are forced to think about things almost eighteen months 223 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:17,839 Speaker 2: in advance in some circumstances because like midyear twenty twenty five, 224 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 2: we have had to give our dates for twenty twenty 225 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,200 Speaker 2: six and have already received a call schedule. It does 226 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,679 Speaker 2: not mean there's no room for swapping things, moving things, 227 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 2: but it does force us to think through it a 228 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 2: little bit. And honestly, if anything, I feel like it's 229 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:29,959 Speaker 2: a bonus. 230 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,319 Speaker 1: Yeah, because even if you don't have that, like even 231 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,440 Speaker 1: if you don't have to put in your vacation days 232 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 1: ahead of time in order to know that you'll get them, 233 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,960 Speaker 1: thinking through how you will spend your days off work 234 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: or your travel days over the course of a calendar 235 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 1: year allows you to balance things and this will allow 236 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,560 Speaker 1: you to not view each trip like, well, why aren't 237 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 1: you going to see your relatives in this other city 238 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 1: for that particular trip, because you know that there will 239 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,199 Speaker 1: be a time trip to go see them, So it's 240 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 1: not always being way to like well, why are you 241 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 1: going to the beach instead of doing this? Why are 242 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,320 Speaker 1: we going skiing instead of doing this, why are we 243 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,000 Speaker 1: going to Europe instead of doing this, It's like, well, 244 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: we're going to do that at this other time. So 245 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,240 Speaker 1: if there are any hard feelings about it, like well, 246 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,200 Speaker 1: we're so disappointed that we're not seeing you this summer, 247 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,040 Speaker 1: it's like, I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving 248 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: and when we have this whole week at Thanksgiving book 249 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 1: to be visiting with you guys or something that it 250 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 1: can help mitigate any hard feelings by doing that. 251 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,560 Speaker 2: It's funny. This makes me think of my sister in law, who, like, 252 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 2: there are certain Jewish holidays I know I'm going to 253 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 2: see her and certain ones I know she always is 254 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 2: going to Boca to be with her husband's family, and 255 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,520 Speaker 2: it's like they keep it the same every year, so 256 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 2: that I think it's easy and it feels relatively even. 257 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 2: And then this can even work with the burden or 258 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 2: gift of hosting. So if you don't like to be 259 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,199 Speaker 2: the one that hosts, you can just pick like one 260 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 2: holiday and own it and then at least you kind 261 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,319 Speaker 2: of know like, Okay, I'm doing that and I've already 262 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 2: figured it out. Over the course of the year, everyone 263 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,840 Speaker 2: kind of takes turns, but yeah, I think also having 264 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 2: things be regular invites tradition, which can make things more fun. 265 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 2: I know that can be counter to people who like 266 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,520 Speaker 2: more variety, but I don't know. 267 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 1: That's my question with holidays, traditions can be fun. I mean, 268 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: that's sort of a way to make it not as 269 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: difficult to do. I mean, because yes, if you are 270 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: always the family that does Thanksgiving, then it's not being 271 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 1: renegotiated every year, like are you spending Thanksgiving with your 272 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 1: family or your partner's family. Maybe you know that you 273 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: always do Thanksgiving with one family and Rashishana with the 274 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: other family, if that's what you celebrate, or if maybe 275 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: it's Easter with one family and Christmas with another, if 276 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: those are big things, or you go to one family 277 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,040 Speaker 1: for a week in the summer every year, but the 278 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: other family gets Christmas, or you can figure out how 279 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: to do it, or just to make sure that there's 280 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: some time that one group owns. And so my extended 281 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,560 Speaker 1: family often does do Thanksgiving to the other, to the 282 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 1: point where one of my sister in laws actually mentioned 283 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: when they were specifically doing something different when you're well 284 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,840 Speaker 1: ahead of time, because I think I should thought that 285 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: the expectation would be that that would be the case, 286 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: and so I appreciated that, Like I guess we'd come 287 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: to kind of own that holiday. And so you might 288 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 1: think that through is there one that makes sense? 289 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 2: And it's interesting because I think when you first have kids, 290 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 2: there's often like a reshuffling and figuring out what this 291 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 2: looks like, right, because maybe you were so mobile and 292 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 2: it was just easy to go everywhere before you spent 293 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 2: Christmas Eve in California and Christmas in New York or 294 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 2: something like that, and then once you have kids, you're 295 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 2: like starting from scratch. But I think as things work, 296 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 2: you will fall into that good rhythm and pay attention 297 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 2: when a given holiday works well in a certain place, 298 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 2: because then you can make a tradition out of it. 299 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,840 Speaker 2: I think that is how Fourth of July came to be. 300 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 2: It worked, so we kept doing it. 301 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: I kept doing it. And with that, I mean you 302 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:57,960 Speaker 1: can also invent holidays, right, I mean sort of one 303 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: thing that some people do to celebrate a major holiday 304 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 1: at a slightly different point, like maybe you as an 305 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 1: extended family all get together on like January second or 306 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 1: whatever that first weekend is, and then a year to 307 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: celebrate Christmas together, and that would have some upsides in 308 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: that it would leave people free to travel or go 309 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: see the other side of the family on Christmas itself, 310 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: or to enjoy it in their own house if they 311 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 1: would like, and it would be less of an opportunity 312 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,360 Speaker 1: cost for everyone, And so you could probably convince people 313 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: to get together. And again, if the point is getting together, 314 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,560 Speaker 1: often the exact calendar date may be a little bit 315 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,720 Speaker 1: less important for certain things. 316 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:37,640 Speaker 2: Totally. 317 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:43,400 Speaker 1: Yeah. So another general principle that a lot of people 318 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: suggested was to have some regular cadence for getting together. 319 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: And this is particularly helpful I think for people who 320 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 1: do live close enough, yes, where it is maybe always 321 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 1: an option to be together or not to be together 322 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,120 Speaker 1: as the case maybe. And so rather than needing to 323 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: renegotiate this constantly and figure out what everyone's comfortable with, 324 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,680 Speaker 1: to establish some regular cadence that you try to make 325 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: work and so you're not constantly figuring out what the 326 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,959 Speaker 1: next get together will be and when it will be, 327 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,639 Speaker 1: and it will how will fit your schedule. So an 328 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:18,640 Speaker 1: example might be you get together for dinner the first 329 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: Saturday of the month or something like that. You kind 330 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 1: of do that with your Miami Beach relatives, right, Sarah. 331 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,560 Speaker 2: We don't have a very specific cadence. I think we 332 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,640 Speaker 2: tend to do more like the hair appointment style, which 333 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 2: is like at each visit, we think, oh, when can 334 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 2: we see you guys next, and kind of tentatively plan 335 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 2: that out based on when we're on call. And that 336 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 2: way we always know something's coming up and we try 337 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 2: to get there at least every month or so so 338 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,479 Speaker 2: or they come up to us. But lately we've been 339 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,160 Speaker 2: going down there for various reasons, and yeah, that works 340 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,680 Speaker 2: really well too, just like set up your next gathering 341 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 2: as you are finishing your current gathering. But if that's 342 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 2: hard to negotiate, then yeah, I love the idea of 343 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 2: like first Fridays or whatever. Cadence seems to work first every. 344 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,440 Speaker 1: People regular, Yeah, I mean it's like a lot of 345 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: people want to get together more frequently that you would 346 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,480 Speaker 1: do like Sunday dinner every week. I mean, that would 347 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,639 Speaker 1: be an option, but seeing each other weekly is a lot. 348 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: But then it makes sure that you don't it's not 349 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 1: every single time, like, oh, well are you doing this 350 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 1: some other time? And then when you're seeing each other 351 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:22,359 Speaker 1: once a week in a case like that, then you 352 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,359 Speaker 1: can mention at that time, like anything that's coming up 353 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,479 Speaker 1: that's special that they might want to know about, like 354 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,400 Speaker 1: a kid's performance or something like that. So it allows 355 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: for more regular communication, but without a lot of the 356 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 1: the hassle of figuring it out asynchronous communication. So in 357 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,160 Speaker 1: this day and age text threads, what's yours called, Sarah? 358 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 2: We have a couple. Actually I don't think the one 359 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 2: with my parents and my sister. I don't think that 360 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,640 Speaker 2: one has a name. And after this episode, I am 361 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 2: going to give it a name and it's going to 362 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 2: have some play on the word heart, so that's going 363 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 2: to be fun. And then we have the Bbe Poppy 364 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 2: Bragg thread. My husband named it, which because basically it 365 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,760 Speaker 2: was like us sending his parents like pictures of the 366 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,200 Speaker 2: kids doing good things. So we're like, let's just call 367 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 2: it what it is. And then we have Los Primos 368 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 2: for all of the younger cousins, of which I count 369 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,600 Speaker 2: as one because been in that family for a while. 370 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 2: So yeah, they're great. I mean, they really are so 371 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 2: lovely for filling in the gaps. And the more you talk, 372 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,920 Speaker 2: the more you have to talk about, which I think 373 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 2: is kind of why what you just said works, Like 374 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,479 Speaker 2: the more you see someone, the more you are going 375 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,359 Speaker 2: to naturally be keeping up with everything, and the more 376 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,720 Speaker 2: you want to see them. And I think these types 377 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,160 Speaker 2: of text threads are so awesome for filling in those 378 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,399 Speaker 2: kinds of gaps. I talk to my parents via text 379 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,400 Speaker 2: basically every single day. I do not think that would 380 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,159 Speaker 2: be the case pre messaging, well. 381 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: Because phone calls are challenging and some people do like so, 382 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,119 Speaker 1: I know my husband calls his mom frequently when he's driving. 383 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,360 Speaker 1: But if you're not driving around a lot, or you're 384 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 1: not a big phone person, which I have to admit 385 00:19:57,119 --> 00:19:59,360 Speaker 1: I am not a big phone person. I actually hate 386 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,919 Speaker 1: talking on the I mean, so it's like texting is 387 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 1: a way to do it without it having to be 388 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,920 Speaker 1: at a set time where you're not doing other things, 389 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,880 Speaker 1: or at least you shouldn't be doing other things. I'm 390 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 1: not a big fan of talking while driving either, but yeah, 391 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: it just allows for more of a back and forth 392 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: in a way that I think works for a lot 393 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,400 Speaker 1: of people. I mean, people love to complain about technology, 394 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,160 Speaker 1: but texting is amazing. 395 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 2: I love texting and group texts. 396 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 1: Group texts, yeah, and yeah, you can do like this 397 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: funny named WhatsApp group or whatever to make it a 398 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: little bit more. 399 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,199 Speaker 2: Are you in any funny name text groups? Laura, I 400 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 2: feel like I haven't heard of any, and I have 401 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,160 Speaker 2: a lot. 402 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 1: There's maybe some mysterious ones. 403 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 2: Oh okay, we'll talk after, we'll talk, after. 404 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: We'll talk after well, we're gonna take one more quick 405 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,760 Speaker 1: ad break and then we will be back with more 406 00:20:51,880 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: unextended family management. We're back talking extended family management. Our 407 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 1: next principle for this is that it doesn't have to 408 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,879 Speaker 1: be the whole family the whole all the time. Obviously, 409 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: it's wonderful if you could get everyone together, and sometimes 410 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,600 Speaker 1: that sort of happens even if you're not expecting it. 411 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 1: We a whirl. My entire extended family was at my 412 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 1: niece's PhD graduation party, and I hadn't actually known that 413 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:29,800 Speaker 1: was going to happen, so it was kind of fun. 414 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: It was like, WHOA, we just had an entire family reunion. 415 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 1: But if you have one particular relative that you are 416 00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:39,360 Speaker 1: particularly close to, you could kind of move that one 417 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: into more of a friend category. I guess I would 418 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,639 Speaker 1: put it and treat that relationship in that way that 419 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,120 Speaker 1: it's sort of separate from extended family members or if 420 00:21:48,119 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: you have like one kid who's particularly close with one cousin, again, 421 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,840 Speaker 1: that can be managed to sort of a get together 422 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: with friends. I know Ruth has a cousin who is 423 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: exactly her age that we have gotten those girls together 424 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,320 Speaker 1: for longer periods of time, like the whole family. It 425 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: wouldn't work for them to come visit for a week 426 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,400 Speaker 1: at different points, but sometimes one person can be more 427 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:11,920 Speaker 1: mobile totally. 428 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 2: Actually, as we were recording, in my mind started wandering, 429 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 2: I'm like, I should take Genevieve for Miriam's birthday because 430 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,679 Speaker 2: they're like close in age, and that would be like 431 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 2: taking one kid. It would serve two purposes to build 432 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,520 Speaker 2: that relationship because those who are close in age, and 433 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,800 Speaker 2: then also to be a natural solo trip with one 434 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 2: of my kids. So who knows, maybe I will add 435 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:30,680 Speaker 2: a third. 436 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: At a third trip. Happy to see you whenever you 437 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:38,440 Speaker 1: could could come up here, Sarah. The other sort of 438 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 1: one more big principle here is no expectations, I guess 439 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:50,680 Speaker 1: is what we decided to call this one. So families 440 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:56,760 Speaker 1: have wildly different ideas of how much they should help 441 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,240 Speaker 1: or give to each other, and that could be both 442 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 1: in terms of time and in terms of money or 443 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 1: gifts or things like that, and so just on the 444 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 1: small scale, one of the things people mentioned with extended 445 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: family is like, especially if grandparents like to give gifts 446 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,639 Speaker 1: to grandchildren or even to you, you might maintain a 447 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: list of things that you would really like to have, 448 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,919 Speaker 1: and so you can direct that generosity in a way 449 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:30,119 Speaker 1: that is helpful. Like, Okay, yes it's fun to have 450 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,440 Speaker 1: lots of plastic toys, and the kids would like that too, 451 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 1: But if you bought us a zoo membership, we could 452 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: use that all year, that would be really fun to 453 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: have or for you, right that lots of times people 454 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: want to give you things, and as an adult, you 455 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,439 Speaker 1: may buy whatever you want. So it's uncle, jeez, what 456 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: on earth am I gonna tell people to give me? 457 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,120 Speaker 1: But so maintain a list of things that are sort 458 00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,760 Speaker 1: of small and fun and that you could buy yourself, 459 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: but you don't not going to like actively be buying 460 00:23:56,520 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 1: for yourself, and you can share that with people. But 461 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,840 Speaker 1: for bigger things, this is the most challenging thing because 462 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 1: some people were hoping maybe that parents grandparents would like 463 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: babysit constantly, and then the grandparents aren't necessarily interested in that, 464 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: or it could go the other way that maybe the 465 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: grandparents thought they would be there all the time, but 466 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,240 Speaker 1: because you both work, you really need sort of a 467 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:26,760 Speaker 1: professional childcare situation. You can't just have Grandma come over 468 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 1: three afternoons a week and have that be the thing, right, 469 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,840 Speaker 1: or if it is, you're not there right when she's 470 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: coming over three afternoons a week. 471 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 2: You want someone to do housework and you don't want 472 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 2: to tell Grandma. 473 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,119 Speaker 1: Don't if you're to tell grandma to go vacuum your floors, 474 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,479 Speaker 1: whereas you can have an employee, you know, to do that, 475 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,679 Speaker 1: and so it can go both ways with that, right Sarah. 476 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:50,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the safest thing is that you're grateful 477 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 2: for help that is offered, but generally like letting them 478 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 2: live their lives and decide what they want to give. 479 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,800 Speaker 2: That's been our policy. And another sort of adjacent thing 480 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,000 Speaker 2: is that if you're helping out a family member, I 481 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 2: always think it's better to give rather than lend, just 482 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,880 Speaker 2: because I've not personally really experienced this, but I've heard 483 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,640 Speaker 2: of a lot of messy situations involving borrowing or even 484 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:17,160 Speaker 2: giving with very specific expectations of how a gift could 485 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,920 Speaker 2: or should be used. It's probably better if you're really 486 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 2: ready to give to someone, just give it with no 487 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 2: strings attached. Maybe some advice, but we can't make adults 488 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 2: do things. 489 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,639 Speaker 1: Yeah, which if you are in a situation like that, 490 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 1: So again, yeah, being on the same page with your 491 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,160 Speaker 1: partner about how much you are willing to help out 492 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,520 Speaker 1: other people. I mean, obviously there's a situation where you 493 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,080 Speaker 1: are being helped. I mean, I'm gonta know a lot 494 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:43,040 Speaker 1: of people's parents may have helped people when they were 495 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,920 Speaker 1: young with doing stuff, and that's wonderful. But again if 496 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 1: they can't, no expectations or they don't want to, no expectations. 497 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,600 Speaker 1: And then the same with you for others. Because we 498 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,439 Speaker 1: know a lot of our listeners have great jobs, probably 499 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 1: good financial situations. You may be the people in your 500 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,399 Speaker 1: extended family who have have more of the ability to 501 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,200 Speaker 1: do that. But sometimes it's been done with something very specific, 502 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,160 Speaker 1: like you pay a person's rent for three months, right 503 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:13,760 Speaker 1: that you do that as opposed to giving a chunk 504 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,720 Speaker 1: of cash, because again, if you give a chunk of cash, 505 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 1: you have to be prepared for whatever they're going to 506 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:18,440 Speaker 1: decide is to be. 507 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 2: Used with it. That's true. I guess if you have 508 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 2: a specific thing, then offer to give it directly, and 509 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 2: then there you go. 510 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,159 Speaker 1: But the widely varying amount of involvement that extended family 511 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,679 Speaker 1: have is one reason I think, you know, if I'm 512 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: gonna get up on my soapbox here, people shouldn't feel 513 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: guilty about paid childcare. We both know people who, for instance, 514 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: have grandparents who come over every Saturday afternoon and take 515 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 1: the kids through to Saturday evening or something and so 516 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 1: the parents can go out, or even that they take 517 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:50,600 Speaker 1: the kids every weekend at their house or something like that. 518 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,720 Speaker 2: And everybody loves that story, right, everyone like, oh, how sweet? 519 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:55,479 Speaker 2: How sweet? 520 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,880 Speaker 1: Isn't that awesome that you have that? Like that your 521 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,679 Speaker 1: grandparents have the kids like two weekends a month and 522 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: you guys go travel or whatever it is. If people 523 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,080 Speaker 1: want to do that, that is amazing. But I think 524 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,920 Speaker 1: you can't expect that from anyone. I mean, obviously, people 525 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,679 Speaker 1: may have just retired, they have their own lives, they 526 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: want to travel. You know, some people don't want to 527 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,960 Speaker 1: commit to that sort of thing, but it is the 528 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,640 Speaker 1: exact same thing to hire someone to do that for you, right, 529 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,080 Speaker 1: And so if you would feel guilty about having a sitter, 530 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,080 Speaker 1: on Saturday afternoon into evening, so you and your partner 531 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,960 Speaker 1: can go do something. The people whose grandparents are doing 532 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:35,200 Speaker 1: that don't feel guilty about it, and so I think 533 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 1: we need to operate from that perspective. 534 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,880 Speaker 2: I guess detractors might say something like, well, the grandmother 535 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,440 Speaker 2: parents are cultivating a loving relationship, but that is not 536 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,399 Speaker 2: to say your kid can't cultivate a true relationship with 537 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,680 Speaker 2: a caregiver, especially one that's in their lives multiple years. 538 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean I don't think this is 539 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: an either or situation or not. Yeah. I mean again, 540 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:02,720 Speaker 1: like people have something about paying for help that it 541 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,040 Speaker 1: seems okay when extended family just. 542 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,159 Speaker 2: Actually say something for women paying for help. 543 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: Because women paying for help. 544 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:13,320 Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, you're like, no one minds, but like it's 545 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,359 Speaker 2: it's yeah, it's we know what it is. 546 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:19,359 Speaker 1: So again, if you don't have that with extended family, 547 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: then you should not feel guilty about approximating it with 548 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: the village of people who you have brought in to 549 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,280 Speaker 1: help you do what you want to do. 550 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,920 Speaker 2: Yes, And then I think we have to go through 551 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:36,200 Speaker 2: the thinking ahead piece because that was a great thought experiment. Okay, 552 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 2: you share it, all right. 553 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,520 Speaker 1: So, well, here's this. I mean, you know, everyone has 554 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: their experience with how they're managing their extended family now, 555 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 1: and you probably have young kids, and you see what 556 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: you know between your parents and your in laws and 557 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:52,120 Speaker 1: extended cousins, and think about, Okay, well, sometime you will 558 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,800 Speaker 1: be somebody's sort of extended family from the perspective of 559 00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 1: being your kid's parents and in laws when they are 560 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 1: adults and they have their own families. How would you 561 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 1: like to manage that relationship then? Like, if you've envisioned 562 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 1: yourself as like the family matriarch twenty thirty years in 563 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,920 Speaker 1: the future, what do you think you'll be doing to 564 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 1: have a good relationship with your adult children? Sarah? What 565 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 1: did you come up with? 566 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,680 Speaker 2: Well, first, I just have to say like, hello to 567 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 2: my adult children listening to this. They've gone into the 568 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 2: cloud and asked AI to find this episode, and hey, 569 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,960 Speaker 2: I fed it to their digital devices, and I said 570 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 2: that it didn't directly into their brains. 571 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,080 Speaker 1: Sarah, what are you talking about digital device? 572 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 2: You're right, You're right directly into their brain. It said that. 573 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,120 Speaker 2: I said that I definitely want my kids to want 574 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 2: to hang out with me. Josh and I have talked 575 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 2: about like doing some sort of thing where we spend 576 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 2: a certain number of weeks each year very near where 577 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 2: our kids live. We have no idea if that's all 578 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 2: going to be in the same place, if it's going 579 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 2: to already be near off, if it's going to be 580 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 2: another continent, but we're like dedicated to like, okay, three 581 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 2: weeks here or three weeks here or whatever it is. 582 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 2: And we do also love the idea of like either 583 00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:03,040 Speaker 2: like serially renting places for us all to get together, 584 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:07,240 Speaker 2: or even owning. Like I don't love owning any real estate, 585 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 2: but if I was gonna own any like having a 586 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 2: little ski cabin that everyone wanted to come hang out 587 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,240 Speaker 2: in with us, even if I was too old to 588 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 2: ski anymore, who cares? Come hang out and I'll sip 589 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 2: hot cocoa by the fire and you can tell me 590 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 2: about all the slopes you went to. I could totally 591 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,160 Speaker 2: imagine loving that. So yeah, if you're listening to this 592 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 2: in twenty fifty and that's happening. 593 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,920 Speaker 1: Great, Yeah, I definitely I was same with it. Like 594 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: the idea of owning a second property like the first 595 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:39,080 Speaker 1: one is such a headache. I can't even imagine maintaining 596 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 1: a second one. But the reason to have, say a 597 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 1: beach compound is because then people will come to you 598 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:54,000 Speaker 1: for a low cost vacation that has an upside beyond 599 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,040 Speaker 1: just seeing you. Right, And so much as I love 600 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,680 Speaker 1: my part of Pennsylvania, it is not somewhere that people 601 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,360 Speaker 1: generally visit as a vacation destination. 602 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, there's gonna be a lot of climate 603 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,120 Speaker 2: change jokes that people are making in their head right 604 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 2: now that it will be a beach conpound. 605 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe it'll be right up to my door. The 606 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:14,800 Speaker 1: ocean will have gotten all the way here by twenty fifty, 607 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:20,280 Speaker 1: let's hope not, but you know it, or there may 608 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 1: be no snow. But hey, if we're doing this skiing, 609 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:26,960 Speaker 1: just having the condo in Colorado that people would come 610 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 1: and stay at, and that would be a reason to 611 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 1: get the extended family to gather and have them come 612 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,480 Speaker 1: see you. I could totally see wanting to do that, 613 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:40,280 Speaker 1: So that's on my mind as an idea. I also 614 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,840 Speaker 1: do love the idea of having a non peak time 615 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 1: celebration that people come see you. So yeah, like having 616 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 1: a labor day, Labor day like we do up labor 617 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 1: Probably not because if kids start school the Tuesday after 618 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,680 Speaker 1: unless everyone's very close, that wouldn't necessarily work. But something 619 00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:01,080 Speaker 1: like the weekend after Christmas, or on how far people 620 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:04,960 Speaker 1: are away from each other, or like everyone comes and 621 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: sees you on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend or something 622 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:11,000 Speaker 1: like that, and having a get together then, because then 623 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,280 Speaker 1: they can celebrate on their own, they can celebrate with friends, 624 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 1: they can celebrate with their My kids could go to 625 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: their in laws and I'd still see them, and I 626 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 1: could make it easier for them to do all of that. 627 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 2: I love it. All right, you're already planning the calendar 628 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,800 Speaker 2: thirty years ahead. It's awesome. And I was going to 629 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,880 Speaker 2: say something like, well, not everyone will always be in school, 630 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 2: but the number of kids you have in different ages, Yeah, 631 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 2: someone's like always going to be in school always, like 632 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,160 Speaker 2: your older kids kids are going to be in school 633 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,880 Speaker 2: by the time your younger kids are out of school. 634 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: Wow, could happen? Could happen? We just don't know how 635 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,240 Speaker 1: these things or yeah, the idea of like would we 636 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:47,120 Speaker 1: ever be able to get all five at once for something? 637 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: I mean I hope so, like I mean for maybe 638 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,520 Speaker 1: each of their weddings or something like that, but we 639 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,640 Speaker 1: were even thinking of that with Like, I think we 640 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,320 Speaker 1: will be able to do Christmas travel this year with 641 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:03,240 Speaker 1: Jasper home, amazing, But I know that next summer he's 642 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,440 Speaker 1: already got something that he's most likely going to be 643 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,200 Speaker 1: out of the country for a big chunk of time, 644 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 1: and so it's like summer travel would not really be 645 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 1: an option with him. And so yeah, it's all ah, 646 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,840 Speaker 1: they do grow up. It's in flux. It's in flux. 647 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,120 Speaker 1: Much of life will be in flux for forever. But 648 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,800 Speaker 1: that is life. So you learn to celebrate whatever you 649 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:27,440 Speaker 1: can do and the relationships that you can maintain with people. 650 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 1: And I certainly hope to maintain a relationship with my 651 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,320 Speaker 1: adult kids. So all right, moving on to the question 652 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: do you want to read it? You want me to 653 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:36,800 Speaker 1: read it? Sure? 654 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 2: I can read it? Okay, this person wrote, I can 655 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,880 Speaker 2: work remotely at least some of the time. I'd love 656 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 2: to go somewhere more interesting for longer periods of time 657 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 2: and feel like work flexibility would allow it. But since 658 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,440 Speaker 2: we have kids that are both working, we tend to 659 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,280 Speaker 2: stay where we are for regular childcare, camps, et cetera. 660 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:53,800 Speaker 2: Any ideas. 661 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is so much more doable now than 662 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 1: it has ever been in the past to go work 663 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:04,360 Speaker 1: somewhere else, as people have arrangements where you generally have 664 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:06,280 Speaker 1: to be in the office three days a week and 665 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,080 Speaker 1: be at home two days a week, but it's usually 666 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,520 Speaker 1: not every single week that has to happen, so you 667 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 1: might even if you have to like swipe in one 668 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,400 Speaker 1: hundred and forty times a year or whatever it is, 669 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,000 Speaker 1: you might do that five times a week a couple times, 670 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,920 Speaker 1: and then have a couple of weeks where you might 671 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,480 Speaker 1: be able to work fully remotely if you wanted. So, 672 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 1: you might think about camps for next summer with an 673 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,680 Speaker 1: idea toward making this be possible now. Obviously, if your 674 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: kids are old enough to go to overnight camp coordinating 675 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: so there at least a couple of weeks where everyone 676 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,880 Speaker 1: is gone would allow you to go somewhere more interesting 677 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,640 Speaker 1: to work during that time. But even if not, you 678 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 1: could sign them up for daycare in a place that 679 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:47,760 Speaker 1: you wanted to go. So let's say you are somewhere 680 00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:50,040 Speaker 1: in the Midwest and you've thought, oh, it'd be fun 681 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,359 Speaker 1: to live in California for a while. Well, you could 682 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:57,240 Speaker 1: go rent an apartment in San Diego, for six weeks 683 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:01,000 Speaker 1: or something next summer, and then and you find day 684 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:06,080 Speaker 1: camps that are near your condo in San Diego for 685 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,799 Speaker 1: your kids, and you obviously do not have to live 686 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,279 Speaker 1: somewhere in most cases. I mean maybe if it's run 687 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,640 Speaker 1: by the school district and there's a residency requirement, but 688 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 1: for a lot of private day camps, that wouldn't be 689 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,160 Speaker 1: the case. And so you'd go to this place and 690 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,960 Speaker 1: you could plan on maybe a week or two you're 691 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,240 Speaker 1: not working, but the others you are, and you enroll 692 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:27,239 Speaker 1: your kids in a day camp there, and then you 693 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 1: can still have adventures in the evening and on the 694 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,320 Speaker 1: weekends and make that work. 695 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:35,480 Speaker 2: Yes, this is like a fancy Miami people kind of 696 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 2: a thing, and I have to admit whenever I hear it, 697 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:39,640 Speaker 2: I'm like so jealous because it does not work with 698 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,520 Speaker 2: my profession. I cannot really work remotely. And that's fine. 699 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,960 Speaker 2: But when they come in and like, yeah, we're about 700 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:46,879 Speaker 2: to head to Colorado. My husband and I are both 701 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,319 Speaker 2: going to work from our little condo and our kids 702 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,279 Speaker 2: are going to go to day camp there, I'm like, 703 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, you're escaping the heat. You're getting a 704 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 2: total change of scenery. It's going to feel kind of 705 00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:57,640 Speaker 2: like vacation. I mean, yes, you're working, but of course 706 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,880 Speaker 2: they're taking time off too, if they can even like 707 00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:02,680 Speaker 2: rent out their home or something like that, although I 708 00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:05,680 Speaker 2: think many of them just choose to airbnb somewhere for 709 00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 2: a while. And yeah, I mean, if you are able 710 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:11,839 Speaker 2: to do that, young kids should not stop you, because 711 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:14,040 Speaker 2: there are a decent number of camp programs. You could also, 712 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,279 Speaker 2: if you're planning well enough in advance, like hire a 713 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,640 Speaker 2: college student to be like a summer I've heard of 714 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,320 Speaker 2: one friend that they never had nanni's except for summer nanny's. 715 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,279 Speaker 2: So that is a thing that you could do. And 716 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 2: of course that person could travel with you wherever you 717 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:26,719 Speaker 2: chose to be. 718 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,600 Speaker 1: Or I mean if you had visited that place to 719 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,439 Speaker 1: do like interviews with someone, I mean, you could hire 720 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,480 Speaker 1: someone who is there right like they wouldn't even have 721 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:36,000 Speaker 1: to live with you. If you were maybe thinking to 722 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,520 Speaker 1: Colorado for the summer, like Colorado also has people who 723 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:42,920 Speaker 1: want jobs, and so you could figure out a way 724 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:46,399 Speaker 1: to make that happen. Or yeah, maybe it's getting back 725 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:48,439 Speaker 1: to the extended family management. Maybe you have a niece 726 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:50,239 Speaker 1: or nephew who would think that would be a cool 727 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,400 Speaker 1: job for this summer if they wanted to go someplace 728 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,439 Speaker 1: that you were as well. And then they could take 729 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: care of the kids from eight to four and then 730 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: they can go have their teen beach experience after that 731 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:04,400 Speaker 1: and on the weekends and stuff. So lots of options 732 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,399 Speaker 1: to consider, all right. So, Sarah, Love of the week, 733 00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:08,360 Speaker 1: what do you have this week? 734 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:12,439 Speaker 2: Choosing fun seasonal nail colors? So I went and took 735 00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:15,040 Speaker 2: two of my kids to get their nails done yesterday 736 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,239 Speaker 2: so they could have cute nails for kids. 737 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:18,800 Speaker 1: You're not specifying which two kids? 738 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, okay. It was Annablee and Genevie No Judgment 739 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,480 Speaker 2: said like can I go to I'm like you can. 740 00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:26,839 Speaker 2: He's like, yeah, no, I'm not going to, but I'm 741 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,840 Speaker 2: like sure. And I got bright yellow on my feet, 742 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,040 Speaker 2: and I'm like, this is so summary and fun. And 743 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:36,720 Speaker 2: I tend to keep my fingernails like a relatively nailish 744 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 2: adjacent color, but my feet are no holds barred, and 745 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:41,520 Speaker 2: I try to do something seasonal and ridiculous. 746 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: So I thought bright yellow, bright yellow, love it, love it. 747 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,719 Speaker 1: Probably I think I just had this memory. I think 748 00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:50,040 Speaker 1: when I was a kid once I painted my toenails black. 749 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,239 Speaker 1: I had like black to and people like thought it 750 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:53,719 Speaker 1: was like injured myself. 751 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,279 Speaker 2: Well, Genevieve goes, should I get pink? White or black? 752 00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,080 Speaker 2: And Adabell and I were like, not black. 753 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,360 Speaker 1: Unless you want to add or like a million questions 754 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,000 Speaker 1: like oh are you okay? What happened? 755 00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:05,920 Speaker 2: What is your love of the week. 756 00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:09,400 Speaker 1: My love of the week is the Flower Bakery and 757 00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:15,359 Speaker 1: Coffee shop in Boston. So I was in Boston week 758 00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:19,680 Speaker 1: before we were recording this with Jasper for college orientation, 759 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:24,120 Speaker 1: and there was a Flower location right across from my 760 00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:26,200 Speaker 1: hotel and I was like, Oh, that looks cute. I'll 761 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,319 Speaker 1: stop by there. And then I went and I was like, oh, 762 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:33,600 Speaker 1: my goodness, I will be back. Ridiculous variety of baked 763 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:37,520 Speaker 1: goods and coffee options. It was all incredibly good. So 764 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,680 Speaker 1: I am excited about these various Boston institutions that I'm 765 00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:43,040 Speaker 1: going to be getting to know over the next four years, 766 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:44,920 Speaker 1: and that is definitely one of them. 767 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:47,600 Speaker 2: That is so exciting. It really is a great city. Yes, 768 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:48,200 Speaker 2: you're lucky. 769 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,960 Speaker 1: I am all right, Well, this has been best at 770 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:55,719 Speaker 1: both worlds. We've been talking extended family management, how to 771 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,239 Speaker 1: celebrate and perhaps deal with depending on the situation. Your 772 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 1: extended fan. We will be back next week with more 773 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:03,880 Speaker 1: on making work and life fit together. 774 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,719 Speaker 2: Thanks for listening. You can find me Sarah at the 775 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:13,160 Speaker 2: shoebox dot com or at the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, 776 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:13,879 Speaker 2: and you. 777 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:18,120 Speaker 1: Can find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This 778 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:21,439 Speaker 1: has been the best of both worlds podcasts. Please join 779 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:24,320 Speaker 1: us next time for more on making work and life 780 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:25,040 Speaker 1: work together.