Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, how are you hi. I'm very
Speaker 1: excited about our guest today because she's a Sports illustrated
Speaker 1: cover model, entrepreneur and host of the Model Citizen podcast.
Speaker 1: Please welcome Hunter McGrady. Hunter McGrady, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Oh you're
Speaker 1: so cute. She Hunter arrived with her sister and her
Speaker 1: mother in toe, which is my favorite thing.
Speaker 2: Yes, with me everywhere whenever I'm in La.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's whenever I'm in the San Francisco area, my
Speaker 1: sister and my sister's seen me perform probably like sixteen times.
Speaker 1: So she can't be interested.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Even she doesn't even come backstage anymore. She stays in
Speaker 1: the dressing room. I'm like, what's the fucking point of
Speaker 1: being here? No, she loses the audience to see if
Speaker 1: there are any single men. I'm like, there will never
Speaker 1: be any single street men coming to see my show,
Speaker 1: so stop looking there, no one, Harry, that would be
Speaker 1: a tip off.
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, all right, straight out there.
Speaker 1: He's coming to meet women. Actually, it's a great guy
Speaker 1: with It's a great place for women because my audience
Speaker 1: is so female heavy.
Speaker 2: I love it.
Speaker 1: Hunter, how are you? I'm doing good.
Speaker 4: I'm actually on vacation and we're like. I was like,
Speaker 4: of course I'm gonna do Chelsea. You kidding with Doug Charldia?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Where were you? Where were you vacation? Oh you're on vacation.
Speaker 1: This is you're I'm born and raised here. The eyebrows there,
Speaker 1: they're real. They're real.
Speaker 4: But I'm wondering if it's eyebrow blindness which i'm seeing
Speaker 4: on No, no, no, they're perfect, and I'm afraid I'm
Speaker 4: going to look back and it's gonna.
Speaker 2: People are gonna be like that was my proud blindness.
Speaker 1: That means you can't see your own eyebrows.
Speaker 2: It means that you've done them so gnarly and so crazy.
Speaker 1: Is that what I look like? Because I'm using on
Speaker 1: your product that it feels like there's semen in my
Speaker 1: eyebrows because it's hard and gelatinized. It goes up. But
Speaker 1: I like the look of it where it's kind of
Speaker 1: fuzzy and it looks like hair.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean? I promise, Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1: You're well, you're a model, so you need to tell
Speaker 1: me the truth because I'm not I'll tell you the truth.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing.
Speaker 4: I will be so honest that it sometimes hurts the feelings,
Speaker 4: but I will be honest.
Speaker 1: Congratulations on your sports illustrated. Thanks ish you. And I
Speaker 1: was interested in speaking to you because you talk so
Speaker 1: much about body positivity, right, and I want to know
Speaker 1: what you think about the term plus size model.
Speaker 4: So it's funny, I'm kind of like even with body positivity,
Speaker 4: like now I'm just like body neutrality because we can't
Speaker 4: always all be positive all the time about our body, right,
Speaker 4: Like you can also be neutral about it, and that's
Speaker 4: also so cool. And I think the word plus size.
Speaker 4: When I first started out, because I was in this
Speaker 4: such just toxic diet culture mindset, I was like, oh,
Speaker 4: don't call me a plus size model. That's mortifying. And
Speaker 4: now I'm like, I'm so proud of it. That's that's
Speaker 4: what made me who I am. That's what gave me
Speaker 4: all my success, you know, And now.
Speaker 2: I take it. I could take it or leave it
Speaker 2: whatever anyone wants to say.
Speaker 1: That's interesting body positivity versus body neutrality, because it is true.
Speaker 1: How are you supposed to be fucking positive about something
Speaker 1: all the time? No one's positive about anything all the time.
Speaker 4: Right right, Well that's the thing also is I think
Speaker 4: that like media has also taken it in really spun
Speaker 4: it in such a negative way, where like so many
Speaker 4: brands are saying.
Speaker 1: Like we're inclusive, we're positive.
Speaker 4: And then you really go in they don't none of
Speaker 4: them make my size. You use the token plus sized girl,
Speaker 4: and it's just gotten so muddied.
Speaker 1: But I don't understand why these brands don't make bigger sizes.
Speaker 1: It's not like there are only small women.
Speaker 2: They're leaving money on the table.
Speaker 4: And now brands are even pulling back even more because
Speaker 4: we are in this ozembic era, which fine, you I
Speaker 4: cannot sit here and be like staunch pro choice and
Speaker 4: then say but you can't do that to your body
Speaker 4: or whatever I want, right like literally take do whatever
Speaker 4: you want, take whatever you want, but know that you
Speaker 4: could lose the weight and still not feel one hundred
Speaker 4: percent confident. And it starts with your mind, right like
Speaker 4: it starts with here. First I actually had I was
Speaker 4: talking to my sister about this. I had a girlfriend
Speaker 4: of mine and she's on ozembic and she was like,
Speaker 4: I've lost fifteen pounds. I'm at the weight that I
Speaker 4: told myself that I would feel confident in and I
Speaker 4: just don't feel good. And I was like, well, yeah,
Speaker 4: of course, because you bought into the lie that thin
Speaker 4: equals confidence. That's just not the truth. Confidence is like
Speaker 4: a journey, it comes from within.
Speaker 2: Right. I'm not a thin woman, but I'm a confident woman.
Speaker 1: And you would never take a zempic.
Speaker 2: No, I have not ever, you don't know, right, But
Speaker 2: I'm not against it, right, I'm really not.
Speaker 1: Whatever everyone wants to do, it's not my boy.
Speaker 4: I can't say anything about your body. You do what
Speaker 4: you want to do, you know, but I think that like,
Speaker 4: you do what you want to do. But just know
Speaker 4: that confidence is a mind thing and that's like that's work.
Speaker 1: Right, And therapy has helped you with a lot of
Speaker 1: that confidency.
Speaker 4: Right. I'm such a proponent for therapy. I've been in
Speaker 4: therapy since I was fifteen years old.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean it's so fucking obvious that if you
Speaker 1: can go to therapy, you fucking should go. Like no
Speaker 1: one goes ever. And it's like it ruined my life, right,
Speaker 1: you know, unless you end up sucking your therapist, which
Speaker 1: we advise against. Listen, Yeah, it's like had sex with
Speaker 1: a therapist. There was a lot of hesitation there. Hunter.
Speaker 1: I did have a.
Speaker 2: Hot therapist once. I rid therapist.
Speaker 1: I once went to couples therapy with a boyfriend and
Speaker 1: I was attracted to the therapist right away, and I
Speaker 1: was like, this is not a good idea. I've been
Speaker 1: telling me right now, this is my type. He's older.
Speaker 1: At the time, I only liked older men, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm because I had daddy issues and I
Speaker 1: wanted I was attracted to him, and I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: he's going to fix me. This is the exact dynamic
Speaker 1: that I need to stay away from any sort of
Speaker 1: mentor figure attracted to run for the hills one hundred person.
Speaker 4: And I always think about like therapy, Like when when
Speaker 4: people tell me they're getting divorced and they're like, I'm
Speaker 4: so sorry, but like no happy marriage and divorced. So
Speaker 4: I'm like, for you, you're fucking you're doing the things.
Speaker 4: Same with therapy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're not gonna never going to therapy and it
Speaker 1: is going to be back. So you haven't been with
Speaker 1: the same therapist since you were fifteen or no, I haven't.
Speaker 4: I've bounced around. I've gotten I like that too. I
Speaker 4: have a grief therapist. I have, you know, my own
Speaker 4: personal therapist. I'm very much a proponent for it. I
Speaker 4: think even if you think you have no reason to go,
Speaker 4: go and they'll find stuff to work pass.
Speaker 1: And I know that it's not affordable for everybody, which
Speaker 1: is why we're constantly sponsored by Better Help on this podcast,
Speaker 1: because anyone can access like affordable therapy and it's worthwhile.
Speaker 1: And that's not an ad, that's just love. Yeah, of course,
Speaker 1: So I know you lost your brother. Yeah, I also
Speaker 1: have a brother that has passed away. How old were
Speaker 1: you when that happened.
Speaker 4: Gosh, this was just three years ago. Oh, so it's yeah,
Speaker 4: it's very new. We were actually talking about this because
Speaker 4: my mom and I watched your special. I think it
Speaker 4: was when was your most recent special?
Speaker 1: Now you're talking about Revolution on HBO Max where I
Speaker 1: talk about my brother.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it was so healing to me.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you, I'm glad.
Speaker 4: Yeah it was because I'm sorry, but it is. It's
Speaker 4: like it's something that is just going to change you forever,
Speaker 4: you know. Yeah, And it's like sibling loss is very
Speaker 4: nuanced and not talked about, so it was very healing.
Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, it's almost like with siblings.
Speaker 1: I think those sentence that I learned the most from
Speaker 1: was celebrating someone's life instead of obviously you have to
Speaker 1: grieve your brother. We all do, and I can't even
Speaker 1: imagine what that's like for parents. But when you can
Speaker 1: move into the celebration of their life and to allow
Speaker 1: them to as a guiding light in your own life,
Speaker 1: when you're making tough decisions and you think of the
Speaker 1: person you lost that you love so much and infuse
Speaker 1: your decision making with that loss and that love for
Speaker 1: a person, I think that's when the grief starts to
Speaker 1: move into a place that you're like, you know, we're
Speaker 1: always going to be upset, there's always going to be
Speaker 1: emotion tied to it, but it can be the most
Speaker 1: useful and loving way to accept someone's departure is to
Speaker 1: make sure they're with you every step of the way. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Well, and that's why I you know, I often like
Speaker 4: bring up my brother when it comes to even my
Speaker 4: like when people talk about weight or their body or
Speaker 4: the weight, and I'm like, life is so fucking short.
Speaker 4: That is so goddamn boring to talk about. If you're
Speaker 4: always worrying about that, like you can be gone tomorrow.
Speaker 1: But I mean, even back to what you're saying, this
Speaker 1: is not related to grief, but how much time I
Speaker 1: wasted in my youth focusing on my body and the
Speaker 1: way that I looked at the hours of like browbeating
Speaker 1: that I did to myself. If only I were five
Speaker 1: pounds later, I won't go out tonight because of how
Speaker 1: much I weigh. I'm going to run six miles tomorrow,
Speaker 1: and then I would weigh myself when I went running
Speaker 1: before I went running, and then I'd sweat for an
Speaker 1: hour and a half, come home, weigh myself. Then, I
Speaker 1: mean this psychotic behavior around our body images like I
Speaker 1: can't wait for a generation of women to wake up
Speaker 1: and not have to deal with that me too.
Speaker 3: It's happening now because Hunter, I know you. When you
Speaker 3: first started modeling, you were like rail thin and were
Speaker 3: told like it's still not enough, you gotta lose what
Speaker 3: was three inches on your head And.
Speaker 4: I was one hundred and fourteen pounds and I'm six
Speaker 4: feet tall, right like it was. It was crazy, And
Speaker 4: I grew up. My dad's an actor, my mom was
Speaker 4: a model, and I grew up in this industry. I
Speaker 4: grew up in LA and it was like that was
Speaker 4: just the norm, right, And so I thought, well, okay,
Speaker 4: I'm just gonna have to be the smallest version of
Speaker 4: me if I want anything to do with this dream
Speaker 4: of mine. And finally there was a breaking point where
Speaker 4: I showed up to a job and I was so thin.
Speaker 4: I wasn't I was in a very massive calorie deficit,
Speaker 4: working out hours a day, miserable, had severe depression, anxiety.
Speaker 4: I showed up and they everyone was kind of looking
Speaker 4: at me, and they came over to my mom and
Speaker 4: I and they said, we're so sorry. We don't think
Speaker 4: you're going to fit in any of the clothes. We
Speaker 4: didn't realize how big you were. I was fifty, I
Speaker 4: was even a full grown woman. I was fifteen years old.
Speaker 4: I haven't even like fully developed yet. But I was
Speaker 4: smart enough to know in that moment, A, I need
Speaker 4: to get help because I'm severely depressed. Be fuck this,
Speaker 4: because if this is what it takes for me to
Speaker 4: live out this dream of being a model, like I'm out.
Speaker 4: So I took five years off and I did moment
Speaker 4: self help work, and that's when I kind of fell
Speaker 4: into the plus size modeling and then once I got
Speaker 4: Sports Illustrated. I've been with them for seven years, since
Speaker 4: I was twenty two, and it was just a massive,
Speaker 4: like pendulum swing for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it isn't it interesting that women are always told
Speaker 1: to become smaller and men are always trying to become bigger.
Speaker 2: Do you want to know something so funny?
Speaker 4: The other day an article popped up and it was
Speaker 4: like Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman are promoting an unrealistic
Speaker 4: body ideal because they're so jacked. I'm like, you can't win.
Speaker 4: You literally can't win. No, I can't win. I have
Speaker 4: Donald Trump JUNI you're talking about my body. I have
Speaker 4: Fox News talking about my body being too big. Then
Speaker 4: you have Hugh Jackman being too too I'm like, you
Speaker 4: literally can't win.
Speaker 1: I like how political you are. Tell me about your
Speaker 1: like history, Like when did you get involved in politics?
Speaker 1: When did you start really caring? Or have you always I've.
Speaker 4: Always cared because my sister and my mom are very
Speaker 4: very political. They're like strong, powerful women, and my sister
Speaker 4: is very vocal about it.
Speaker 2: And for the longest time, I.
Speaker 4: Was like, ah, I have to kind of be in
Speaker 4: the background because it's not good for the image to
Speaker 4: pick it. And my sister was like, if you don't
Speaker 4: stand for anything, like you stand for fucking nothing. So
Speaker 4: pick a side, sister, and like let's do our research.
Speaker 4: And so, you know, in the last few years, I
Speaker 4: think in the last election, when Trump came in, I
Speaker 4: got just really riled up and I was like, I'm done,
Speaker 4: and especially this election, all of a sudden, Fox News
Speaker 4: started posting me. Donald Trump Junior posted me saying, you know,
Speaker 4: go wo go broke Sports Illustrated. You want to have
Speaker 4: someone who's you know, big on your in your magazine.
Speaker 4: Little did he know that I was going to get
Speaker 4: the cover a month later. So like that's that, yeah,
Speaker 4: Because there's too much on the line. There's too much
Speaker 4: on the fucking line. And I'm a woman in this
Speaker 4: world where my rights are on the line, and I
Speaker 4: have people in my life where their lives are on
Speaker 4: the line. Where and you have children, I have fucking
Speaker 4: children where their lives are on the line, And like
Speaker 4: I send my son to school name worried every day,
Speaker 4: like it's too much at stake. I have a platform
Speaker 4: and I'm going to use it, and I think that
Speaker 4: we all have that responsibility honestly, like we should be
Speaker 4: using our platforms. You use yours so brilliantly because a
Speaker 4: lot of people are afraid to.
Speaker 1: They are afraid to, And I also think that is
Speaker 1: a learning curve as well. I remember when you're talking
Speaker 1: about Donald Trump becoming elected. Listen, I was with you
Speaker 1: their sister. I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown. I
Speaker 1: may have had one, I'm not sure, but at the
Speaker 1: time I was so angry, angry, angry, angry, and like
Speaker 1: and it became so divisive, divisive, divisive, And then you realize, oh, like,
Speaker 1: there's been an evolution in my messaging because I want
Speaker 1: to be happy and positive. I don't want to be
Speaker 1: hateful and vitriolic. I want actually to spread the good vibes.
Speaker 1: And I've realized to not be hand in hand with
Speaker 1: the candidate all the time, to actually be speaking from
Speaker 1: my own platforms where it's not like you can confuse
Speaker 1: or obfuscate what I'm doing with being paid to be
Speaker 1: promoting a candidate or this candidate. Ye, no one's fucking
Speaker 1: I'm not for sale, so no one's paying me to
Speaker 1: do fucking anything, right, I was.
Speaker 4: Just invited by the Harris team to her rally in Pennsylvania,
Speaker 4: and I got so many messages from people being like, oh,
Speaker 4: this is paid, this is so classic, It's paid, And
Speaker 4: I'm like, no, listen, I don't agree with all the
Speaker 4: policies that Kamala Harris has. I don't and I definitely
Speaker 4: don't believe with any of Trump's. But like I'm here
Speaker 4: to say, like you're saying, I'm voting at what I
Speaker 4: align with, and I agree. There is so much divisiveness
Speaker 4: and that's why we are having the issue that we're having.
Speaker 4: I believe there's three parties. There's the Republican, the Democrat,
Speaker 4: and the Trump supporters, and they don't care if I'm mad.
Speaker 4: So why am I going to sit here and be mad.
Speaker 4: I have two children to have to worry about. You know,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna be positive. I'm going to use my voice
Speaker 4: for good and speak out about that and try to
Speaker 4: make a change where I can, but not let it
Speaker 4: affect me so much where I'm go down with them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I feel like the Trump administrations almost stole
Speaker 1: for years of my life, Like you're not getting me againymore?
Speaker 2: You got me once.
Speaker 1: An abusive relationship is right it.
Speaker 4: Is, And that's literally how I feel, like so many
Speaker 4: people feel. I feel the same way I was. So
Speaker 4: me and my sister were like out there on the
Speaker 4: lines with signs, and you know, after a while you're like, okay,
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm going to change my messaging and
Speaker 4: spin it and be positive and say like, okay, we
Speaker 4: have this here, this like future can look right.
Speaker 1: And I think that's it. Circling back to talking about
Speaker 1: your brother's death, It's almost like it's analogous in a way.
Speaker 1: It's about taking something devastating and turning it into something inspiring, right,
Speaker 1: and actually making positives out of fucking mince meat, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Change happen, and I think that's
Speaker 1: such a powerful tool to be able to do. Like
Speaker 1: I'm sure even in the three years since you've lost
Speaker 1: your brother, you've seen the dynamic between your remaining family
Speaker 1: and how that's shifted.
Speaker 4: Right, Oh, the moment it happened, we all got together
Speaker 4: and my mom and my dad said, listen to me,
Speaker 4: right now, this can either make us or break us.
Speaker 2: It's not gonna break us, so we're all gonna come together.
Speaker 4: I'm literally my parents are divorced and we spent We've
Speaker 4: spent every single day on this vacation all together with
Speaker 4: their grandkids in the house. My dad's remarried, Like, we're
Speaker 4: going to the beach together, and of course along the
Speaker 4: way we're like, oh, I wish my brother was here.
Speaker 4: I wish China could be heari to see it. But
Speaker 4: like we have gotten so close. We spend Christmases all
Speaker 4: together like we have. Just I would have never thought
Speaker 4: my dad and my mom would even be in the
Speaker 4: same room with each other at one point, and now
Speaker 4: we're spending Christmases together.
Speaker 3: Well, and again it comes back to this, like, what
Speaker 3: are we really gonna worry about here? We're gonna worry
Speaker 3: about the small stuff? They like, I'm annoid with you
Speaker 3: because of this. No, when you go through something that
Speaker 3: devastating and huge, you realize, like, how that stuff's just Manusha.
Speaker 2: It's so minutia.
Speaker 1: Ye, well, for it should be. It should be. But
Speaker 1: it reminds me of a story that I need to
Speaker 1: share because, and it's not funny at all. My cousins
Speaker 1: lost their brother and I was there in the room
Speaker 1: in the hospital after he had passed away. We were
Speaker 1: all sitting there and my aunt and uncle had separated,
Speaker 1: we're not on speaking terms, and then we're all gathered around.
Speaker 1: You know, it's a horrible day, one of the most
Speaker 1: horrible days in everyone's life, if not the most. And
Speaker 1: I remember my uncle putting his hand on my aunt's
Speaker 1: leg and was like, you know, we need to come together,
Speaker 1: and she's like, get the fuck off of me. This
Speaker 1: is not your opening. Our son is dead, and I
Speaker 1: still don't fucking want anything to do with you. Get out. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: every example, that's what I mean, right, Yeah, But I
Speaker 1: mean if the spirit of it should be what you're describing,
Speaker 1: but I think my uncle was actually trying to get
Speaker 1: back together in the hospital room, so that was also,
Speaker 1: know tonally way off, but that's exactly what you're describing.
Speaker 1: Sounds like did it make your family come together? You know,
Speaker 1: when your brother dies, you feel like you're the only
Speaker 1: person Like that is such a rare thing. And then
Speaker 1: as I've talked about it, as I've written and about it,
Speaker 1: so many people have come to me and you're like, God,
Speaker 1: it's not something that's so common, but it's more common
Speaker 1: than you think. Yeah, and so many people have lost brothers.
Speaker 1: So I think experiencing my cousins losing their brother. I
Speaker 1: remember just all I knew was how to help the situation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like I've been through this. I'm going to take care
Speaker 1: of whatever you guys can't deal with in this moment.
Speaker 1: I'll take care of the funeral, I'll take care of
Speaker 1: this arrangement. I'll take care of get buying a casket,
Speaker 1: I'll take care of all this stuff. No one has
Speaker 1: the capability to deal with something when someone is pulled
Speaker 1: out of your life unexpectedly. Yeah, no one has any
Speaker 1: idea what to do. So somebody has to step up
Speaker 1: and do that. Yeah, so I was I think it
Speaker 1: was useful for me to have gone through that because
Speaker 1: I was at an age when my brother died. I
Speaker 1: wasn't in charge of anything.
Speaker 4: I was nine years old, right, But you kind of
Speaker 4: you kind of like immediately get equipped with this armor
Speaker 4: to deal with life in a different way. And I
Speaker 4: mean at nine, you're you're that's like such an impressionable age.
Speaker 4: And I'm sure a lot of people were like, she's nice,
Speaker 4: She's gonna get over threat. But it's like, no, this
Speaker 4: has now I've created this armor for the rest of
Speaker 4: my life of like, how I'm going to move through
Speaker 4: life like I moved through life differently than I did
Speaker 4: three years ago. I can handle things now that I
Speaker 4: would have never that would have broken me.
Speaker 1: You were pregnant with your first child right when you
Speaker 1: passed them, So what.
Speaker 3: Was the experience going through this extreme grief and then
Speaker 3: suddenly having this huge amount of joy in your life.
Speaker 4: Yeah? That was very weird because you know, I called
Speaker 4: my doctor and I was like, I'm flying home and
Speaker 4: she was like, you're giving birth in like six weeks.
Speaker 4: You can't And I was like, I don't care, I'll
Speaker 4: give birth on this plane. When I got back, you know,
Speaker 4: I gave birth pretty much. Gosh, yeah, five weeks after.
Speaker 4: It was very weird. Yeah, it was very weird, but
Speaker 4: it taught me I didn't mean to christ I'm fine with.
Speaker 1: Anything. If anyone listeners are going anything, we are not
Speaker 1: apologizing now, that's true.
Speaker 4: That's true, and I'm it's always a on any platform.
Speaker 4: I think it made me realize that extreme sadness can
Speaker 4: only be known with extreme joy, right and vice versa.
Speaker 4: Like I I it was the weirdest time because I
Speaker 4: was like, how can I be the most devastating Honestly,
Speaker 4: before I had my son. I was like, I don't
Speaker 4: think anything will be able to make me happy again,
Speaker 4: you know. But then he came out and oh my god,
Speaker 4: I would never want to put this on him, but
Speaker 4: like he saved a lot of us, and I never
Speaker 4: want to put that pressure on him.
Speaker 2: And I'm not you know, I never am.
Speaker 1: Like you're you're the one who saved us. But he
Speaker 1: brought so much healing and he's so much like my brother. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think those things happen, you know. It's kind
Speaker 1: of like these rainbows in life when you lose someone
Speaker 1: you love and then a new there's someone always has
Speaker 1: a baby, right, No, it's so weird the way that
Speaker 1: works in a family. Like you can lose your father
Speaker 1: and then you have a baby. You lose your brother
Speaker 1: and you have a baby, and it's like there's a
Speaker 1: transfer of life and there's like you think about reincarnation
Speaker 1: and you're like is that a possibility? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what is this?
Speaker 4: I swear because like I look like my son has
Speaker 4: my brother's exact feet, like he has his exact humor.
Speaker 4: I'm like, bye bye you in there, Like it's so wild,
Speaker 4: it's so wild, and it does bring that like sense
Speaker 4: of joy and.
Speaker 1: Relief, but it was really weird to also like not greed.
Speaker 4: I think I was definitely a different mom to my
Speaker 4: son than I am to my daughter because I was
Speaker 4: in such heavy grief. It affected my supply. You know,
Speaker 4: my supply dried up like pretty almost immediately, Like I
Speaker 4: couldn't breastfeed him.
Speaker 2: It's all that like up and down.
Speaker 4: Whereas my daughter, I'm like, oh, it was easy peasy,
Speaker 4: you know, comparing the two of them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think Gabor Mate, this psychiatrist from Canada
Speaker 1: or psychologist, I'm not sure what he is. We've had
Speaker 1: him on the podcast before, so I guess I wasn't
Speaker 1: paying attention. But he always talked about that that you're
Speaker 1: not the same parent regardless to your children. Every child,
Speaker 1: you're a different parent too, based on what their needs are,
Speaker 1: their sex, their personality. Yeah. My sister was so so
Speaker 1: freaked out by her daughter when she found her out
Speaker 1: her daughter was having sex. Meanwhile, her son is the
Speaker 1: same age, and she's like, I'm like, is he having sex?
Speaker 1: You know now he's the same age And she's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe I'm like interesting reaction that you
Speaker 1: were fucking losing your shit yeah, three or four years ago,
Speaker 1: and now you have no reaction to your son. I'm like,
Speaker 1: do you realize how sexist that is?
Speaker 4: It's insane. It's really insane. I'm the opposite with my daughter.
Speaker 4: Like literally, when we came out for vacation a couple
Speaker 4: years ago, his first time, mom and like, we have
Speaker 4: three hours until Hudson needs to get home for a nap.
Speaker 2: This time, I'm like, if they fucking nap, they nap.
Speaker 4: If they eat, the eat, like, I don't care, And
Speaker 4: it's so much more relaxed, Like I think the second.
Speaker 1: Time, you're just like, well, yeah, imagine the third, fourth, fifth,
Speaker 1: and sixth.
Speaker 2: Childs raising themselves.
Speaker 1: She come from six. Yes, I'm the youngest of six,
Speaker 1: so I was basically reacting like I had a job
Speaker 1: when I was like three months old. I was like,
Speaker 1: holy shit, I really got to pitch in around here, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, talk about neglect. But yeah, my sister always
Speaker 1: well I always tell the story of my sister. I'm
Speaker 1: sure they are very appreciative of me sharing their personal
Speaker 1: lives with the world, but you know, again, I don't
Speaker 1: care because they're my stories too. My sister when she
Speaker 1: had her third like you know, how they always stick
Speaker 1: up like something up their nose. Children, like at some age,
Speaker 1: like in school, they stick an eraser in their asshole vagina,
Speaker 1: our nose, and my my sister's first kid did it,
Speaker 1: and then her last kid did it, and her last
Speaker 1: kid did it. She has three was in like, you know,
Speaker 1: nursery school and they're like, oh, you know, Seneca has
Speaker 1: an eraser stuck in her nose, and Simone was like,
Speaker 1: we'll just wait until Monday. You know, it's late on
Speaker 1: a Friday, late day, Friday afternoon, like before you're fucking
Speaker 1: at the emergency room thinking that they're forging going to
Speaker 1: have like, you know, brain damage from a fucking eraser
Speaker 1: whatever the hell they stuck up their nose, yes, and
Speaker 1: then cut to the third and you're like, whatever, you know, we'll.
Speaker 2: Give it a solid week and then we'll check back in.
Speaker 1: My sister has like a lead pencil in her leg,
Speaker 1: one of my sisters, because she like got stabbed with
Speaker 1: a pencil and my parents never even she was number
Speaker 1: five and they never took her to the hospital so
Speaker 1: she could still see the fucking pencil in her leg.
Speaker 4: Isn't that I think I also have that I.
Speaker 1: Cannot be good, all right, Well on stabbing yourself with
Speaker 1: pencils and putting erasers in your vagina. But even though
Speaker 1: Seneca didn't do that, I just want to say she
Speaker 1: put it in her nose. We'll take a break and
Speaker 1: we'll be right back with Hunter and McGrady. And we're
Speaker 1: back with Hunter McGrady. We are back. Look at how
Speaker 1: fucking handsome Doug is standing there like a lion. He
Speaker 1: looks like the Lion King. Can you see him? He's
Speaker 1: so sweet looking. He's a good dog. He literally came
Speaker 1: up and I was like, oh my god, he's just
Speaker 1: so like and he's got so much meat, so comforting
Speaker 1: to just snuggle with him.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, our first caller is Abby, and she says,
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea, I'm struggling with my body image. I'm a
Speaker 3: thirty four year old woman of color, child free, recently married,
Speaker 3: and I have a job I enjoy. For the first time,
Speaker 3: I've gained some extra weight, and I'm having a hard
Speaker 3: time with everything that comes along with that. I was
Speaker 3: an athlete in high school and kept reasonably active in
Speaker 3: university and in my twenties.
Speaker 1: My dog died at the.
Speaker 3: Beginning of the year, and I guess I didn't realize
Speaker 3: how active he kept me or how hard I took
Speaker 3: this very sudden loss. He was my first pet and
Speaker 3: really taught me so much. I'm now trying to do
Speaker 3: very long walks three to four days a week. I've
Speaker 3: been at it all summer, and this week I'm incorporating weights.
Speaker 3: I try to make it fun and do active things
Speaker 3: with my husband and friends. The problem is I cannot
Speaker 3: stop hating what I'm seeing. I also understand that the
Speaker 3: weight I've gained is a lot for me, but I
Speaker 3: know I'm catastrophizing and I can't stop comparing my body
Speaker 3: to other bodies. I see big, small, whatever I'm looking
Speaker 3: and I'm thinking, do I look like this person?
Speaker 1: Why don't I look like that person?
Speaker 3: Every time I get dressed for work and something doesn't
Speaker 3: fit like it once did, I have a complete meltdown.
Speaker 3: My quote baggy jeans have now become the only ones
Speaker 3: that fit, and I have to dress nicely for work,
Speaker 3: so I enjoy being stylish and put together. I'm noticing
Speaker 3: these urges to do unhealthy things in an effort to
Speaker 3: lose weight, and it seems easier to try and starve
Speaker 3: myself or restrict my eating. This is all taking a
Speaker 3: toll on my relationship with my husband. While he has
Speaker 3: no issues with my body and is completely supportive of me,
Speaker 3: it's the meltdowns and the negative self talk that are
Speaker 3: causing conflict for us. How do I stop hating my
Speaker 3: body so much? Abby?
Speaker 1: Hi? Abby?
Speaker 4: Hi?
Speaker 1: Abby? Hello? Hi, this is Hunter, our special guest today. Hi.
Speaker 2: You're gorgeous. Oh my goodness, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Hunter. Do you want to start?
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: You're not alone. We all are feeling this.
Speaker 4: I think, you know, like I was talking to Chelsea earlier,
Speaker 4: how I'm all about body neutrality, right, I think getting
Speaker 4: to that place in your body of knowing instead of
Speaker 4: seeing your body for the way that it looks. Right.
Speaker 4: We're in the age of social media where we see
Speaker 4: so many different types of bodies all day long. We
Speaker 4: are comparing, you know, our bodies to that we also
Speaker 4: have to realize that like phase two exists. I always say, like,
Speaker 4: not even the models of the magazines look like the
Speaker 4: models of the magazines.
Speaker 2: Trust me, I'm one of them.
Speaker 4: But you know, and also just comparing yourself is just
Speaker 4: going to steal so much of your joy. And also
Speaker 4: realizing like your body does so much for you. Your
Speaker 4: body does so much for you. Thinking of your body
Speaker 4: in that manner will just change your life. I had
Speaker 4: a therapist tell me at sixteen that change my world.
Speaker 4: I've done it every single day since. She told me
Speaker 4: to stand in the mirror after showering, look in the
Speaker 4: mirror completely naked, slick back your hair, like literally get
Speaker 4: down to your stubs, girl, like where you are, no makeup, nothing,
Speaker 4: And I want you to have a full blown conversation
Speaker 4: with yourself, telling yourself five things that you want to
Speaker 4: love about yourself. They're probably not gonna be things that
Speaker 4: you actually love about yourself, because for me it was
Speaker 4: really hard. I had At first, I thought this is
Speaker 4: the dumbest fucking exercise ever because I'm not gonna do it.
Speaker 4: But I went home and I was, like, my therapist said,
Speaker 4: to do what. I'm gonna give it a try. I
Speaker 4: looked in the mirror and I said five things I
Speaker 4: wanted to love about myselfs, my hips, my arms. I
Speaker 4: had stretch marks. I was sixteen. I had stretch marks
Speaker 4: on my inner thighs. I had like ingrown hair bumps
Speaker 4: and things like that. I broke down in tears so bad.
Speaker 4: But I pushed through and I kept doing that exercise
Speaker 4: every single day, And can I tell you Abby, what happened.
Speaker 4: Instead of those being things that I wanted to love
Speaker 4: about myself, they became things that I did love about
Speaker 4: myself because I was telling my brain that I've done
Speaker 4: that exercise every single day since. I don't maybe get
Speaker 4: down to my stubs now, but I look in my
Speaker 4: rear view mirror, my car. My husband at first thought
Speaker 4: I was crazy, but now it's it's so natural for
Speaker 4: me to say.
Speaker 2: God, I you know what.
Speaker 4: I love those things, And now it's so much deeper,
Speaker 4: even than just my bodies. I love my spirit, I
Speaker 4: love my soul. I love what I offer to the world.
Speaker 1: Your strength, my strength, your strength of as a woman. Yes,
Speaker 1: that is what we need to be thinking about. You're
Speaker 1: just being a product of your environment. Like the way
Speaker 1: you're thinking is the product of the way we've been
Speaker 1: taught to talk about and think about our bodies. And
Speaker 1: that's just what we've been fed. So like ye, you
Speaker 1: allowing them to rob you of the joy you're First
Speaker 1: of all, whatever's happening is temporary, right, Like every situation
Speaker 1: we're in is temporary. It's not permanent. If you don't.
Speaker 1: If you want to, you know, lose weight, that's fine,
Speaker 1: that's okay, But you can't shame yourself for where you
Speaker 1: are in the current moment. You're doing things to help
Speaker 1: yourself to be stronger, to be healthier. I love that
Speaker 1: you're going for long walks. Walking is so fucking good
Speaker 1: for you. Weights are so good for you. But you
Speaker 1: want to change the framework to being strong, not to
Speaker 1: being thin or skinny. You want to be strong like
Speaker 1: I'm the strongest I've ever been, and that's all I
Speaker 1: care about is my strength. And because of that, I'm
Speaker 1: smaller than I've ever been because I'm a huge into
Speaker 1: weights and everything. And yes, I have the same issues
Speaker 1: we all do about bodies, but I know now that
Speaker 1: this whole narrative around women and their bodies doesn't get
Speaker 1: to control me and my fucking mood. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to have a breakdown because I don't fit into jeans
Speaker 1: and there's nothing wrong with that. It's very honest of
Speaker 1: you to admit that, but it doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: that way.
Speaker 4: Can I give you the best tip for yes when
Speaker 4: you when you have a breakdown because jeens don't fit
Speaker 4: This is going to be life changing.
Speaker 2: Guys ready by a bigger size.
Speaker 3: Yeah, nothing will make you feel worse than clothes that
Speaker 3: don't fit and make.
Speaker 1: You feel awful.
Speaker 2: The number means nothing. You're the only one.
Speaker 1: Who knows what the number in the genes is.
Speaker 5: And I feel like I'm surrounded by it right the
Speaker 5: way you described it as being like a steeler.
Speaker 2: Joy is a real thing, you know.
Speaker 5: I described with my letter that you know, a lot
Speaker 5: of really great things are happening in my life, but
Speaker 5: I feel like I am so distracted. I have to
Speaker 5: buy this one thing, so distracted by this like negative
Speaker 5: self talk and just like this negative way I however,
Speaker 5: looking at myself.
Speaker 1: Well, you just need to get up and write those
Speaker 1: ten things down every single day. I want you to
Speaker 1: write ten things down every single morning of what's going
Speaker 1: well in your life, because I promise you that will
Speaker 1: change the channel of the way you're thinking about yourself.
Speaker 1: Because we can't miss the moment we're in, and when
Speaker 1: we're so preoccupied with the way we look, we miss
Speaker 1: all of the good stuff. You know, So you have
Speaker 1: to know you're taking steps to get the body that
Speaker 1: you are more comfortable in in the meantime, there's no
Speaker 1: reason to like self immolate. You can't beat yourself up
Speaker 1: about that stuff because it's taking away from all the
Speaker 1: other good things in your life. And so a great exercise,
Speaker 1: and I've done this. We've had so many people on
Speaker 1: the show do this really, like start your gratitude list
Speaker 1: every morning and being like, these are the ten things
Speaker 1: I'm happy about, and even say I'm on my way
Speaker 1: to having the body that I want to have. But
Speaker 1: there's no reason to again rob the joy of the
Speaker 1: present moment, you know, and look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: look how beautiful that is. Look at the strength that
Speaker 1: comes from within your body. Like it's not just about
Speaker 1: the outside of the body, it's about all the things
Speaker 1: that are working inside that give you the strength and
Speaker 1: ability to walk around every day, to want to lift weights,
Speaker 1: to have clarity of mind. You know, it's just you're
Speaker 1: just changing the channel on your conversation with yourself.
Speaker 3: And yeah, another trick that's really helpful is thinking about
Speaker 3: how you would speak to your best friend, Like you
Speaker 3: would never say to your best friend like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: you're tummy is spilling over those jeans, or like your
Speaker 3: thighs look really big. Today, or like I hate the
Speaker 3: way you look at that. You would never say that
Speaker 3: to another person. So when you hear yourself saying that
Speaker 3: to yourself, change it around, Like I don't like the
Speaker 3: way my tummy looks right now, but like, think about
Speaker 3: what your tummy does. It's nourishing you. It's really like
Speaker 3: helping you live. There are brain cells in there. But
Speaker 3: also there's a sexiness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you have a little extra meat on you,
Speaker 1: it's fucking hot and it can be sexy if you
Speaker 1: think it is going out and getting a bigger sized pant.
Speaker 1: You just said yourself, how important is for you to
Speaker 1: be stylish at work? Like, if you're hiding yourself, you're
Speaker 1: not being stylish right, You're covering up because of the
Speaker 1: way you're feeling of insecurity. But if you actually get
Speaker 1: the clothes that fits you for this moment that you're
Speaker 1: going through in time and feel good about yourself every day,
Speaker 1: you're gonna have a different conversation with yourself. And it's
Speaker 1: not like you've given up like, oh, now that I
Speaker 1: bought these clothes, I'll never get back to the size
Speaker 1: that you feel more comfortable in. It's like, no, I've
Speaker 1: got a little extra meat on me, that's fucking sexy.
Speaker 1: Flaunt it, don't try to hide it, you know, embrace it,
Speaker 1: like embrace what's coming your way and like the moment
Speaker 1: that you're in, because I feel like that's also a
Speaker 1: better way to move through everything.
Speaker 4: And comb through who you're following on Instagram. There are
Speaker 4: a lot of girls out there who are different body types,
Speaker 4: curvy girls who have so much good style. And get
Speaker 4: rid of the people who do not serve you, because
Speaker 4: I know, girl, I know you're scroll on social media.
Speaker 1: I know you're scrolling on Instagram and doing.
Speaker 4: All the things, and compare yourself. Get the people who
Speaker 4: serve you, who make you feel good. And I bet
Speaker 4: your husband likes a little extra curve on you.
Speaker 1: The thing he does. I don't have any complaints about it.
Speaker 1: I'm the one catastrophizing all of this, I know, because
Speaker 1: of society. But like, lean into that, lean into the
Speaker 1: fact that he likes it when you're getting dressed, dressed
Speaker 1: for him dress. I mean, I would never say that
Speaker 1: unless you were dealing with this issue. But seriously, think
Speaker 1: about the sexual like the sexual nature of that. You
Speaker 1: know that the husband wants you, you know that he's
Speaker 1: turned on by that when you get up and go
Speaker 1: to work, get dressed, like it doesn't matter what the
Speaker 1: weight is that you are, but to embrace every single
Speaker 1: thing you have in that moment, you know, in terms
Speaker 1: of your body, Embrace your curves, embrace your hips, embrace
Speaker 1: your belly, your breasts, all of it. M absolutely love
Speaker 1: yourself up. Yeah you deserve it, Abbie, Yes you do.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Well keep us post it Okay. Absolutely.
Speaker 5: I love the action eye.
Speaker 1: I am going to do that.
Speaker 5: I do journal, so that's something I can kind of
Speaker 5: work into it. And I like the idea of, you know,
Speaker 5: thinking about the things that I'm grateful, because there really
Speaker 5: is a lot, Like there's so much. It's just that
Speaker 5: I feel like I have my blinders on when I'm
Speaker 5: only seeing, you know, this one thing, or fixating I
Speaker 5: guess on this one things up.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, so thank you again.
Speaker 4: A fine.
Speaker 1: But you know there's something that happens too.
Speaker 3: I know for me it happened during as for a
Speaker 3: lot of people, it happened during the pandemic where our bodies,
Speaker 3: especially when we go through a loss like she did
Speaker 3: with her dog. You know, maybe that she's not walking
Speaker 3: as much as she was before, but also maybe that
Speaker 3: her body is trying to put on this like extra
Speaker 3: layer of protection and comfort around her. I know that
Speaker 3: that's like something that I've experienced in my life during
Speaker 3: harder times. And you know, I like that you said
Speaker 3: that it can be temporary, like she may gain weight,
Speaker 3: she may lose weight, but you know, she has to
Speaker 3: learn to love herself right now where she's at.
Speaker 4: Well, I think we put so so much emphasis on
Speaker 4: it as a society, right, like as a plus size model.
Speaker 4: If I'm on the cover of anything besides Sports Illustrated,
Speaker 4: it was the first time I was on the cover
Speaker 4: of anything where they didn't mention my body. It's usually
Speaker 4: you know, Hunter McGrady talks about how you know she's
Speaker 4: so comfortable in her body. Anytime there's an article written,
Speaker 4: I'm like, that's the least important thing about me.
Speaker 1: That's it's just such a stupid thing to comment on,
Speaker 1: Like it shouldn't even be a plus size model. It
Speaker 1: should just be a model. Whoever's a model is a model,
Speaker 1: and then you see a picture of them and then
Speaker 1: you can interpret that however you want and see however
Speaker 1: you want. But to have to qualify because what's the
Speaker 1: opposite of a plus size model.
Speaker 4: Oh here's what any comedian, Chelsea Handler, everyone take a
Speaker 4: round of a plot.
Speaker 1: That'd be such a weird way to say. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: know that my whole I know that I've been able
Speaker 1: to shift my mindset around weight because when you just
Speaker 1: said called me skinny, that wasn't a compliment to me.
Speaker 1: I do love that you're saying that like that. I
Speaker 1: don't want to be that, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And I wanted to be that my whole life is.
Speaker 1: I wanted to be skinny and thin so that people
Speaker 1: thought I had an eating disorder. I thought that would
Speaker 1: make me happy, and I don't want that. I want
Speaker 1: to be strong. That's like I just might. Ben Bruno
Speaker 1: just got me new weights because I left and I
Speaker 1: don't lift, but I sound like I'm from New Jersey
Speaker 1: because I am. But but he got me thirty pound
Speaker 1: weights and it's like, Oh, that's a victory that I'm
Speaker 1: using thirty pounds. I'm doing bicep curls with thirty pounds,
Speaker 1: Like that's fucking hardcore. Ye, That's what I'm excited about now,
Speaker 1: And I'm so glad I just had that reaction to
Speaker 1: being called skinny because I was like, no, I'm not skinny,
Speaker 1: I'm fit. Oh I love that we're like we're breakthrough
Speaker 1: and so I know I've reframed my brain around it.
Speaker 1: And even when I have gained five or seven pounds,
Speaker 1: for me, it is about my mental clarity is the
Speaker 1: most important thing. But when I put on five or
Speaker 1: seven pounds, I do not have the same reaction I
Speaker 1: used to have. I actually do go, oh, you're a
Speaker 1: little bigger girl right now, you know, show your booty,
Speaker 1: now you have a show it off. I do embrace
Speaker 1: it in a different way. So I just feel like
Speaker 1: we can all do a little bit better about ourselves.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, And like I said to Abby, like comb through
Speaker 4: your social media whoever it's not serving you, like get
Speaker 4: just mute them, block whatever you have to do, because
Speaker 4: we are all whether we like it.
Speaker 2: Or not, we're all on it all day long.
Speaker 1: Well, and it does help.
Speaker 3: I know for me, it really helped me like finally
Speaker 3: accept like my body and what my body looks like
Speaker 3: and also like why my body is sexy and beautiful
Speaker 3: by following women who looked like me who looks sexy
Speaker 3: and beautiful on Instagram, it took a while, but then
Speaker 3: one day.
Speaker 1: It was like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it really is powerful.
Speaker 3: Well, this is a little bit more on bodies, but
Speaker 3: I kind of wanted to get the other side of
Speaker 3: the coin of how to have these conversations within family
Speaker 3: and especially, I know, having kids. This is something you've
Speaker 3: said you would never speak negatively about your body in
Speaker 3: front of your kids, So this question comes from Whitney.
Speaker 3: Whitney says, Dear Chelsea, my mom has criticized me about
Speaker 3: my weight since I was a child. She's never accepted
Speaker 3: me for me, even at my thinnest, a whopping one
Speaker 3: hundred and twenty pounds in high school, the comments and
Speaker 3: bullying continued. I've never stuck up for myself when these
Speaker 3: comments are made.
Speaker 1: No one has.
Speaker 3: I'm now thirty three years old and I've become an
Speaker 3: aunt to my three month old niece. My brother has family,
Speaker 3: and I went back to my parents' house for a
Speaker 3: long weekend. My mom began making comments to my niece,
Speaker 3: her granddaughter. She said how she needs to work on
Speaker 3: her waistline because her shorts don't fit, and how fat
Speaker 3: her legs are, you know, like we do like a
Speaker 3: little chunky leg baby to a growing ass baby. I
Speaker 3: got up and walked away. These comments triggered so much
Speaker 3: for me, and I have not talked to my mom
Speaker 3: since the trip. I'm ready to talk to my mom
Speaker 3: after all these years of abuse. My niece cannot be
Speaker 3: another victim of this kind of perfect good. How do
Speaker 3: I talk to her in a way that she'll hear
Speaker 3: me and stop perpetuating the cycle.
Speaker 1: Write a letter? Yes, I totally agree with that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: write a letter and start from the very beginning. These
Speaker 1: are the memories of the things that you've said to
Speaker 1: me about my body, like your first imprint, your first
Speaker 1: memory of her saying that, and list multiple examples, and
Speaker 1: then describe how that made you feel. And this isn't
Speaker 1: an angry letter, this is you. Clearly, she clearly has
Speaker 1: no idea the impact of her words. Yeah, she has
Speaker 1: no idea how damaging this is. And you are never
Speaker 1: going to let her do this to another person.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that's brilliant. I also think, like you're
Speaker 4: now a grown woman, set those boundaries and tell her sister,
Speaker 4: who is the mother of her niece, these are boundaries.
Speaker 4: We can talk about anything. We can't talk about this
Speaker 4: that's off the table, no questions asked, do not bring
Speaker 4: it up. I think that that's so important. I think
Speaker 4: as we're seeing the generations like our parents, that was
Speaker 4: so something they talked about, right, like don't eat that
Speaker 4: eat handful of almonds, Like now they call them all
Speaker 4: my moms. Like set that boundary. We're not talking about
Speaker 4: that mom.
Speaker 1: And I think as you.
Speaker 3: Go into writing this, leve better have a moment where
Speaker 3: you realize, like, this was how your mom was talked
Speaker 3: to and have a little bit of empathy for that,
Speaker 3: and like as you go into it, so you can
Speaker 3: release some of that anger.
Speaker 1: When I say you're never going to allow that to
Speaker 1: happen to your niece, I mean that is advice to you.
Speaker 1: That is something that you need to tell your mother.
Speaker 1: I mean you can say that to your mother, but
Speaker 1: you don't have to say it in that kind of language.
Speaker 1: You exactly go into this knowing that your mother didn't
Speaker 1: know better, and you are going to be the tool
Speaker 1: to help her understand how to better behave in the
Speaker 1: future and what the impact of those negative words can
Speaker 1: have on someone's body image.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also good on you for having the wherewithal
Speaker 4: to know that, right, like to know that. This really
Speaker 4: messed me up, and I don't want that for my niece.
Speaker 4: Like that, Whitney, You've already grown so much from breaking
Speaker 4: that cycle and that trauma.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, and so called a cycle breaker. I
Speaker 1: like the breaker. Yeah, cycle breaker, when you break the
Speaker 1: cycle within your family. Yeah, that's what you need to do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're going to be it with me. I love that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, great, Well, our next question is kind of
Speaker 3: a toughie. This comes from Colton. He says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 3: A few months ago, my little brother died by suicide.
Speaker 3: I'm twenty seven and hey was twenty As a gay
Speaker 3: man from a very small conservative town, I've put some
Speaker 3: distance between.
Speaker 1: Myself and where I grew up. I have a little
Speaker 1: sister who's.
Speaker 3: A teenager, and her and my mom are very much
Speaker 3: struggling with the loss of my brother. She doesn't know
Speaker 3: how to cope and doesn't want to share her feelings
Speaker 3: or emotions, at least with me. How can I support
Speaker 3: them and care for them when I don't live close
Speaker 3: and Chelsea, I'd love your insight on being a young
Speaker 3: girl losing their older brother. Am I right to push
Speaker 3: her to confide in me and open up about her emotions.
Speaker 3: I'm still trying to navigate the grieving process myself while
Speaker 3: trying to move on with.
Speaker 1: My own life.
Speaker 3: I adore my family and want to be around for them,
Speaker 3: but I also still need to work on figuring out
Speaker 3: my own identity, and that includes putting more distance between
Speaker 3: me and my negative small town childhood ps. My younger
Speaker 3: brother and I. I would watch Chelsea Lately all the time.
Speaker 3: He was probably too young, but those are memories, all
Speaker 3: cherished forever. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 1: Colton. I think whatever you can do to get your
Speaker 1: sister to start talking, whether it's I don't know if
Speaker 1: you can afford getting her her own therapist or setting
Speaker 1: something up for her online. But like, forget about you
Speaker 1: having to create distance between you and your family and
Speaker 1: that small town. That's a separate issue. We're just talking
Speaker 1: about your brother's death right now, and that doesn't require
Speaker 1: you to even be there in person to go back home.
Speaker 1: That just requires you to keep a dialogue going with
Speaker 1: your sister, and that is something that you have to
Speaker 1: do for her mental health in order to get her
Speaker 1: to start talking, because this will only fester and manifest
Speaker 1: in her life in a negative way if she doesn't
Speaker 1: get the conversation going. So you have to just kind
Speaker 1: of be tireless in your efforts to engage with her
Speaker 1: about your brother and to possibly, if you guys can
Speaker 1: afford it, start seeing a therapist. And even if that's
Speaker 1: something that you do on a zoom with her for
Speaker 1: like grief counseling, like you only have to do this
Speaker 1: ten times with me, you know what I mean. You
Speaker 1: just have to open the door so that she can
Speaker 1: begin the conversation and then you can either hop out
Speaker 1: of that or you guys can do it together as
Speaker 1: a family, which I think would probably be really healing.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's individual grief and then there's familial grief,
Speaker 1: and you want to be able to be well versed
Speaker 1: in both of those things. But if you don't push
Speaker 1: your sister, you're older and wiser, so you have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to really try to get in there. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be aggressive. It can be like a soft,
Speaker 1: safe place, you know whatever. I don't know her personality,
Speaker 1: but I know how rigid I became when my brother died.
Speaker 1: I refuse to talk about it because I wasn't allowed
Speaker 1: to be vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself the vulnerability, and
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be I didn't want to allow
Speaker 1: myself to cry. It was embarrassing. I felt crying was embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing.
Speaker 1: So like, you just have to create a space and
Speaker 1: a dialogue between the two of you where she knows
Speaker 1: she can come there, where she can be vulnerable and
Speaker 1: she can cry, And it might require you to be
Speaker 1: vulnerable to her first.
Speaker 4: Well I think that, yeah, exactly, being vulnerable first, being like, listen,
Speaker 4: I feel very sad about this.
Speaker 2: I'm really struggling. How are you feeling? You know?
Speaker 4: And even it doesn't even have to maybe be super
Speaker 4: sad at first. It could be, Hey, you know what
Speaker 4: I've been thinking about sonzel, Let's do something together to
Speaker 4: celebrate him, maybe like mom takes you out for ice
Speaker 4: cream today, we could FaceTime while we eat it. Let's
Speaker 4: do something that he loved to do, and really just
Speaker 4: celebrate him. You know. If the emotional is hard, because
Speaker 4: it is. And did he say she was thirteen? Yeah,
Speaker 4: that's so, that's so young.
Speaker 1: You're still in such an important age. It is such
Speaker 1: an important age because she's about to burst into womanhood. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's going through puberty. You know, she's adolescent. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: she But it's such an important age to actually build
Speaker 1: these skills and tools right.
Speaker 4: Now and say it's okay to be emotional, like you said,
Speaker 4: like crying is not a embarrassing and crying is like listen,
Speaker 4: we all do it, and like you said, don't apologize
Speaker 4: for it. And I think her learning that at this
Speaker 4: age will be yeah, massively important. And grief therapy. Oh
Speaker 4: I think insurance should cover some of that as well.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, with grief therapy if he has if there's
Speaker 3: a way to have her or her and your mom
Speaker 3: come to visit you so like you don't have to
Speaker 3: go to a place that's triggering, but like maybe it's
Speaker 3: just your sister, and it's like that's a pretty big
Speaker 3: age gap, like fourteen years. It's hard to know what
Speaker 3: to say to somebody who's fourteen years younger than you.
Speaker 3: But even giving her something to look forward to that's
Speaker 3: a month or two down the road of like I'm
Speaker 3: going to see my like cool gay brother and whatever
Speaker 3: somebody lives in. Having that to look forward to I
Speaker 3: think can be really helpful in addition.
Speaker 1: To the therapy.
Speaker 3: And then also like not feeling like you have to
Speaker 3: talk about it right away, you know, give it a
Speaker 3: day or two and before you bring it up while
Speaker 3: you're doing inactivity whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And when I'm saying be aggressive or be persistent,
Speaker 1: I don't mean to hammer her, Like you don't want
Speaker 1: to hammer because then people will get turned off. But
Speaker 1: you have to like create a path of vulnerability between
Speaker 1: the two of you so that at least she thinks
Speaker 1: she has a confidante in you. At least she'll know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like chickens, Hey, how you doing today? You know,
Speaker 4: But that's exactly it. It's that consistency is so important.
Speaker 1: Like no one did that with me. Yeah, everyone was
Speaker 1: in their own grief, so no one came and said,
Speaker 1: we need you to talk about it. And when they
Speaker 1: did try to talk about it later, too much time
Speaker 1: had passed. So I was like, oh no, no, that
Speaker 1: that shut we star. I don't talk about that anymore.
Speaker 1: I won't talk to my mom would be like, don't
Speaker 1: you miss your brother? And I would leave the room.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't get to talk to me about
Speaker 1: my brother.
Speaker 4: That's a lot. You have your grief and then you
Speaker 4: have the secondary grief. Of Okay, my parents just lost somebody,
Speaker 4: and for nine years old. You know, I don't blame
Speaker 4: you for having a scar over that wound and being
Speaker 4: like I'm all set, don't open it please. That was
Speaker 4: painful enough, you know. Do you feel like that with
Speaker 4: your family too?
Speaker 1: I mean I would, I would turn the question. I
Speaker 1: mean yeah, it was devis stating to see my parents
Speaker 1: so devastated.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So with my dad, I was disappointed in him for
Speaker 1: not being able to get it together. Yeah, and my
Speaker 1: mom I felt so badly for But my mom was
Speaker 1: able to get it together sooner, so it was easier
Speaker 1: to watch than my father's basically emotional demise after my brother.
Speaker 2: That's its own grief.
Speaker 1: Well, but I would actually turn the question back to you, like,
Speaker 1: how is it at now that you're older, seeing your
Speaker 1: parents grief? Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4: It is its own grief. It's its own grief, for sure.
Speaker 4: It's so many layers. I think with grief, it's the
Speaker 4: grief my kids don't have their uncle around. It's the
Speaker 4: grief of seeing my parents, the sibling loss. Sibling loss
Speaker 4: in our society is not really talked about.
Speaker 2: It's really not. It's very it's its own thing.
Speaker 4: Also, I think that back to Colton, like maybe saying
Speaker 4: to her, like, just so you know, people say, oh,
Speaker 4: there's five stages to grief.
Speaker 2: That's bullshit.
Speaker 4: There's like so many stages. Saying it's okay if you
Speaker 4: feel angry, little sister, it's okay, if you feel sad,
Speaker 4: it's okay to laugh to by the way, like it's
Speaker 4: okay to to if that helps you cope, Just saying
Speaker 4: it's okay to feel these things, you know.
Speaker 1: I wish there was a good book to give her
Speaker 1: at thirteen. I'm trying to think of what a good
Speaker 1: book on grief is, but I'm coming up empty handed.
Speaker 1: I haven't read a book on grief. Yea, all I
Speaker 1: keep thinking about is Joan Didion's book. But that's not
Speaker 1: good for a thirteen year old.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's a good book.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Well.
Speaker 3: Why don't we have listeners write in and if you
Speaker 3: have suggestions, we'll pass them along to Colton.
Speaker 1: Good idea?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, Well, why don't we take our last break
Speaker 3: and we'll come back to wrap up.
Speaker 1: I have a question that's very specific for Hunter. Also, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to take a break, a Hunter and I
Speaker 1: are going to take a bath, and we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: And we're back.
Speaker 2: We are back.
Speaker 3: Now, this question, at first, Blush doesn't seem like something
Speaker 3: that you would ask the supermodel Lush, Sure, but I
Speaker 3: know the gun reform is something you've been really passionate about.
Speaker 3: And the yeah, yeah, you're going to the White House, right, Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's very exciting. Yeah, very exciting, which brings me to
Speaker 3: the question, So Alicia says, and she's actually written in
Speaker 3: a couple of times, so I'm glad that you're here.
Speaker 1: To talk about this.
Speaker 3: Alicia says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty nine year old
Speaker 3: female married to a thirty year old male. He's in
Speaker 3: the army and I'm in sports medicine. I don't like guns.
Speaker 3: I believe the world will be safer without them. And he,
Speaker 3: on the other hand, wants multiple guns and stated I
Speaker 3: will have an AR fifteen. I did let him get
Speaker 3: a handgun because he's been robbed and feel safer with
Speaker 3: a gun. I do not feel safe living with an
Speaker 3: AR fifteen in the house or multiple guns. I do
Speaker 3: have a history of self harm and mental illness, so
Speaker 3: that makes me very cautious around weapons.
Speaker 1: My husband says, it's controlling that I will not live
Speaker 1: in a house with more than one gun. I'm controlling
Speaker 1: your safety.
Speaker 3: I do not want even one, but he wants one
Speaker 3: for protection, so he got one. Now he says he
Speaker 3: wants more and to collect them. How am I being unreasonable,
Speaker 3: Alicia Ude, Yeah, you're being reasonable.
Speaker 1: You're a woman.
Speaker 4: What woman wants guns around? Right, and with a history
Speaker 4: of self harm? This is a no brainer. This is
Speaker 4: get a new model breaker, get a new fucking hobby. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I get a new hobby. You're not being unreasonable. My husband, Yeah,
Speaker 4: I get a new husband exactly. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: That's not like, that's not an issue that someone feels
Speaker 1: so passionately about in the way that like I need
Speaker 1: more guns to make me feel better, I want to
Speaker 1: collect them.
Speaker 4: That's unreasonable. It's not like I don't like cats. Don't
Speaker 4: get a cat. It's like, this is my you could,
Speaker 4: this is right my safety.
Speaker 1: Huh.
Speaker 4: The Go Say Act is basically the act that needs
Speaker 4: to be signed to reinstate a ban on assault weapons.
Speaker 4: We don't fucking need air fifteens, we don't need access
Speaker 4: to them. It is a law that was already passed
Speaker 4: from nineteen ninety four to two thousand and four, and
Speaker 4: the moment it stopped, you can.
Speaker 1: Look at all the stats.
Speaker 4: Everything started to rise up as far as like mass
Speaker 4: shootings and stuff. As a mother, first and foremost, I
Speaker 4: every single day I'm worried about my son going to
Speaker 4: school because you look at history and what these people
Speaker 4: are using. They're using air fifteens. Nobody needs access to
Speaker 4: an air fifteen unless you are in combat. There's there's
Speaker 4: no need for it. And again, this is a nonpartisan organization,
Speaker 4: so it's not saying, oh, we're banning the Second Amendment,
Speaker 4: we're banning your right to bear arms. I grew up
Speaker 4: with my dad, who was a hunter. We were taught
Speaker 4: gun safety, we were taught all those things. But nobody
Speaker 4: needs access on air fifteen. It's so fucking stupid.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's you know, like you were saying, an
Speaker 3: air fifteen is used for one thing, and that's an
Speaker 3: act of war. That's not something you need in your household.
Speaker 1: I actually got.
Speaker 4: Into an argument over this with a guy on DMS,
Speaker 4: and you know, he was.
Speaker 1: Like, but I use him for hunting. It's so great
Speaker 1: for hunting.
Speaker 4: I was like, get a better aim, get a better aim,
Speaker 4: and he was like, too shake, because I'm like, if
Speaker 4: that's really what you're going to use it for, I.
Speaker 1: Mean, is that how you hunt? By taking a fucking
Speaker 1: sawed off shotgun into the fucking woods right and spraying
Speaker 1: bullets right? Exactly? You're not a very good hunter then, right.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, any argument about a semi automatic weapon
Speaker 1: makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even believe
Speaker 1: people think that they need something like that self protect
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 3: All right, So I would say, Alicia, I think this
Speaker 3: is a deal breaker. If he really feels like he
Speaker 3: needs that, then I don't think he needs to have
Speaker 3: you in his life.
Speaker 4: This is like one of those ones where I would say,
Speaker 4: give him an ultimatum. Yeah, if you really feel so
Speaker 4: strongly about that, then Cyanara, yep.
Speaker 1: Okay, we're going to wrap up. But your podcast with
Speaker 1: your sister, I also want to mention before we leave
Speaker 1: is really fun for listeners and you guys love doing
Speaker 1: it together.
Speaker 4: Yes, it's called the Model Citizen Podcast. We drop every Thursday.
Speaker 4: We talk about everything, like we are here to talk
Speaker 4: about everything from sex to.
Speaker 2: We get deep into listen.
Speaker 4: There's nothing off limits basically, right, Like, it's just it's
Speaker 4: girlfriends hanging out talking about the things that no one
Speaker 4: wants to talk about out in the world, and we're
Speaker 4: very bold and brazen with it and it is so
Speaker 4: much fun.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're doing this series right now that's like
Speaker 3: self Love Summer Summer.
Speaker 2: Of self Love.
Speaker 4: Yeah. We've had some amazing guests on basically saying like,
Speaker 4: what are some tools that we can use in our
Speaker 4: own personal toolbox to love ourselves a little bit better?
Speaker 1: Like how can we do this?
Speaker 4: And again we touch on subjects like how can we
Speaker 4: do that in bed, like with our partners, how can
Speaker 4: we do that in life? How can we We've had
Speaker 4: fitness experts on how can we get into the gym
Speaker 4: without feeling shamed for wanting to go to the gym
Speaker 4: and be better? And it really kind of delves into
Speaker 4: so many different aspects of our life. And it's been
Speaker 4: really really cool that now we're kind of also going
Speaker 4: to go into the.
Speaker 2: Fall with it since it's got such a great response.
Speaker 1: Awesome, Yeah, thank you, fun, Thank.
Speaker 4: You so much, ladies, This is so much fun.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, And well you'll hear us again
Speaker 1: next week. Goodbye. Okay, So upcoming shows that I have
Speaker 1: you guys, I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint
Speaker 1: Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in
Speaker 1: Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.
Speaker 1: My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor
Speaker 1: Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth. I'm
Speaker 1: coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on
Speaker 1: November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the
Speaker 1: end of the year in December, so if you're in
Speaker 1: a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or
Speaker 1: New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 3: Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
Speaker 3: email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
Speaker 3: be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
Speaker 3: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
Speaker 3: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
Speaker 3: dot com.