Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Hey there, it's Michael Costa. The Daily Show's on a
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Speaker 2: Until then, joyce today's episode.
Speaker 3: All back to The Daily Show. We all know I've
Speaker 3: got great opinions, but I'm not the only one. Studies
Speaker 3: show that other people also have opinion. So here with
Speaker 3: another installment, I'm in my opinion as our good friend
Speaker 3: Charlemagne the God.
Speaker 4: Hey, listen, man. Democrats have a problem. It's not their policies.
Speaker 4: It's not their fundraising. It's not that Joe Biden started
Speaker 4: buffering at the Junior teen Party. No, No, the problem
Speaker 4: they have is their messaging. Are to say a planer
Speaker 4: is how they talk. Nobody wants to hit it in
Speaker 4: normal political voice anymore. I'll give you an example. Republicans
Speaker 4: made abortion illegal in half the country, which is horrible.
Speaker 4: It should be a winning issue for Democrats, but here's
Speaker 4: how Democrats talk about it.
Speaker 3: Let me say it again.
Speaker 5: Past laws restoring the protection of rov wait for women
Speaker 5: in every state.
Speaker 6: That's what can be done under this on the if
Speaker 6: you owner of the opposition.
Speaker 7: Every Senator must take a stand. If you agree all
Speaker 7: Americans deserve access to contraception, then vote yes on the
Speaker 7: Right to Contraception Act. This Friday, June seventh will be
Speaker 7: forty nine years since there was a decision made in
Speaker 7: the in the in the row versus weight question, ro.
Speaker 4: Why is this sentence taking you forty nine years to say?
Speaker 4: How about try this instead? These religious nut ass Republicans
Speaker 4: want to force you to have a baby period, And
Speaker 4: that's it. But I know, I know politicians aren't supposed
Speaker 4: to talk that way, but they should. In fact, before
Speaker 4: Democrats even worry about explaining their side of an issue,
Speaker 4: they need to learn something more basic, how to talk
Speaker 4: like real people. Yeah and I'm sure that possible. Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 4: and I'm sure that possible because you know, it's good
Speaker 4: at it. Total nut ass Republicans.
Speaker 7: The Biden administration sucks, said communists, they're Marxists, they're radical
Speaker 7: left Democrats, they're sick people.
Speaker 1: There were riots verting down the country over George Floyd.
Speaker 1: And I'm really sick and tired of the bullshit annex
Speaker 1: I have to deal with constantly.
Speaker 4: You see, that you see that Congress could pay off
Speaker 4: the whole deficit by giving Marjorie tail agreen. That's where
Speaker 4: es are.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and yes, I.
Speaker 4: Know Marjorie tail a Green is a whole fool's market.
Speaker 4: But that's authentic. Okay, that's real America. That's what a
Speaker 4: waffle house sounds like at three am.
Speaker 5: Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that's making a scene
Speaker 5: at Ann Taylor Loft because you can't make a return
Speaker 5: without the receipt.
Speaker 4: Same with Donald Trump. Here's a guy who knows what
Speaker 4: he wants and knows how to get it. The message
Speaker 4: is terrible, but it's clear when he says, build the wall,
Speaker 4: lock her up, I hate sharks, no one goes. I
Speaker 4: wonder what he means.
Speaker 7: Okay.
Speaker 4: Folks appreciate when someone sounds authentic, even if their ideas
Speaker 4: are terrible. But with Democrats, even when they talk about
Speaker 4: the good things they've done, it sounds fake. And I
Speaker 4: know that they're capable of sounding real. I talk to
Speaker 4: a lot of these politicians behind the scenes. I hear
Speaker 4: how they speak when the MIC's not on, and it's
Speaker 4: two totally different people. Take Hillary Clinton. During the twenty
Speaker 4: sixteen campaign, she sounded like this Now.
Speaker 8: There may be some new voices in the presidential Republican choir,
Speaker 8: but they're all singing the same old song, a song
Speaker 8: called Yesterday, you know the one. All our troubles look
Speaker 8: as though they're here to stay, and we need a
Speaker 8: place to hide away. They believed in Yesterday.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Paul McCartney heard that and was like, John got
Speaker 4: the easy way out. Here's the thing, though, I've talked
Speaker 4: to Hillary behind the scenes, and trust me, she's a
Speaker 4: real human. I know you won't believe this, but she
Speaker 4: can even say a great mother. Yes, I've heard it
Speaker 4: the way she says mother rival Samuel L. Jackson. I'm
Speaker 4: telling you she should have used it in public, like
Speaker 4: I'm sick and tired of my mother's husband on Jeffrey
Speaker 4: Epstein's mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, now that Hillary.
Speaker 4: That Hillary would be at the end of her second
Speaker 4: term right now. But Democrats only talk authentically when it
Speaker 4: slips out. In fact, DIM's out. A viral moment in
Speaker 4: the House recently. It started with Marjorie Taylor Green doing
Speaker 4: what she does best, but it ended with a Democrat representative,
Speaker 4: Jasmine Crockett, finally clapping back.
Speaker 7: A late night committee meeting devolved into chaos, with members
Speaker 7: hurling insults at each other.
Speaker 2: It quickly escalated into a heated back and forth. After
Speaker 2: Republican Marjorie Taylor Green my Democrat Jasmine Crockett's eyelashes.
Speaker 1: I think your fake eyelashes are messing up on nothing.
Speaker 9: Crockett later fired back with her own personal insults as
Speaker 9: Chairman James Comer struggled to regain order. I'm just curious,
Speaker 9: just to better understand your ruling. If someone on this
Speaker 9: committee then starts talking about somebody's leash, blind, bad built,
Speaker 9: butsch body, that would not be engaging in personalities.
Speaker 4: Correct, what now?
Speaker 1: What now?
Speaker 5: What now?
Speaker 4: That would be a bleached blonde, bad butch body.
Speaker 1: Congressman.
Speaker 4: Okay, and you know what I love about this. Everyone
Speaker 4: was so excited to hear someone slamming Marjorie Taylor Green.
Speaker 4: Most liberals didn't even care that it was sexist, it
Speaker 4: was homophobic, it was body shaming. It was like the
Speaker 4: nineties were back.
Speaker 5: Okay, yes, yes, now.
Speaker 4: Congresswoman Crockett had a great moment that went viral because
Speaker 4: she showed something that the Democratic Party rarely ever shows,
Speaker 4: and that's courage.
Speaker 5: Yes, we look.
Speaker 1: All hope is not lost.
Speaker 4: In fact, just recently, even Vice President Kamala Harris showed
Speaker 4: a glimpse of her actual personality.
Speaker 9: We have to know that sometimes people will open the
Speaker 9: door for you and leave it open.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it won't, and then you.
Speaker 5: Need to kick that door down.
Speaker 4: That's right, that's right, madam Vice president kicked that door down.
Speaker 4: That's how you know she's still a cop. She's giving
Speaker 4: little girls and no knock warrant.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 3: And you know that.
Speaker 4: Type of talk is effective because conservatives immediately started clutching
Speaker 4: their pearls about her lack of decorum. Republicans are so hypocritical.
Speaker 4: It's not okay for Comma Lau says, but it was
Speaker 4: cool for y'all to have a vice president named Dick
Speaker 4: for eight years. I mean, this was Trump last week
Speaker 4: in a church with kids in the audience.
Speaker 3: I don't like.
Speaker 7: Using the word bullshit in front of these beautiful children,
Speaker 7: so I won't say.
Speaker 4: My god, Donald, do you kiss your mistress with that mouth? Look?
Speaker 4: I know this is, you know, all a little off
Speaker 4: brand for liberals. They love to say stuff like hate
Speaker 4: has no home here, but you could at least give
Speaker 4: hate a guest room or something. All right, let hate
Speaker 4: kick a toothbrush in your bathroom. And no, you should
Speaker 4: never hate someone for who they are, but it's okay
Speaker 4: to hate them for what they do, especially if what
Speaker 4: they do is hate fuol Okay, like it or not,
Speaker 4: this is the age of hate. Kendrick said he hates Drake. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 4: Kendrick said he hates the way Drake walks, the way
Speaker 4: he talks, the way he dresses. And Kendrick won that beef.
Speaker 4: And if Democrats want to win, they need to turn
Speaker 4: on the Kendrick all right, yes, yes, yes, turn on
Speaker 4: the Kendrick. Trump got a weird case. Why is he around.
Speaker 1: Them?
Speaker 5: Fuck?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 4: And good news for Democrats they have someone who can
Speaker 4: help them with their messaging. When I heard Republican Congressman
Speaker 4: Byron donald say some wild shit about black families and
Speaker 4: Jim pro I knew just who to call. Congresswoman Jasmin Crockett,
Speaker 4: how are you. I'm doing well.
Speaker 9: It's good to see you.
Speaker 4: Good to see you too. Now, a colleague from across
Speaker 4: the aisle, Byron Donalds recently said that black families were
Speaker 4: better under Jim Crow, which was a period of forced
Speaker 4: racial segregation. What would you say to that, yes.
Speaker 9: I'd say, is it okay for Uncle Tom, Uncle Brooks,
Speaker 9: or maybe under this scenario, an Uncle Clarence to try
Speaker 9: to tell us what it is to be black in
Speaker 9: America considering the fact that he is married to a
Speaker 9: white woman kind of like his uncle Clarence, that would
Speaker 9: not have been allowed. So yeah, he probably needs to
Speaker 9: go back to the history books that they keep trying
Speaker 9: to take out of our classrooms.
Speaker 6: Welcome back to.
Speaker 1: The Bailly Show.
Speaker 2: Next week will be exactly thirty years since Jeff Bezos
Speaker 2: founded Amazon, forever changing the way we try to desperately
Speaker 2: fill the empty hole in our lives while destroying local
Speaker 2: businesses and the earth. But who is the real man
Speaker 2: behind the Internet mogul? Let's find out in a new,
Speaker 2: brand new daily show Agraphy.
Speaker 1: America has always been home to titans of industry, but
Speaker 1: only one capitalist, and history has ever been this much
Speaker 1: of a joy.
Speaker 10: I'm Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 11: I'm the founder of Amazon dot Com.
Speaker 1: This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, History's most
Speaker 1: powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico,
Speaker 1: Jeff's identity asserted itself early.
Speaker 10: I was a very nerdy and good student.
Speaker 4: I liked school.
Speaker 1: His favorite place in the world was radio Shack, where
Speaker 1: he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China,
Speaker 1: and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian,
Speaker 1: Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for.
Speaker 10: Socially, I was a little awkward. I didn't really date
Speaker 10: much until like my last year of college. Actually, I
Speaker 10: so sort of a formal plan to date. I'll had
Speaker 10: all my friends something up on blind dates. None of
Speaker 10: them worked out very well.
Speaker 1: Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found
Speaker 1: the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe.
Speaker 1: After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On
Speaker 1: Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money,
Speaker 1: his future ex wife, Mackenzie Stott. She would later tell
Speaker 1: Vogue Magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall
Speaker 1: in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and deaf.
Speaker 1: It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the
Speaker 1: world was changing.
Speaker 11: Came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing
Speaker 11: at twenty three hundred percent a year. So I decided
Speaker 11: I would try and find a business plan that made
Speaker 11: sense in the context of that, and I picked books
Speaker 11: as the first best product to sell online.
Speaker 1: With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a
Speaker 1: garage to work from, an mc hammer Khaki's, Bezos launched
Speaker 1: his empire. Within a few years, Amazon went from online
Speaker 1: bookseller to Wall Street darling to the so called everything store.
Speaker 1: Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website,
Speaker 1: from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you
Speaker 1: shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're
Speaker 1: not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm,
Speaker 1: and while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 10: My watch updates itself from the atomic clock thirty six
Speaker 10: times a day. If that gives you an indication.
Speaker 1: He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of
Speaker 1: non stop grow How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into
Speaker 1: a life sized Oscar statue by using his big, nerdy
Speaker 1: brain to the perfect growth plan to expand his business
Speaker 1: and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a
Speaker 1: net worth of two hundred billion dollars, money that he's
Speaker 1: used to make the world a better place. Sure, he
Speaker 1: spent some of it on a super yacht that has
Speaker 1: its own yacht in the world's fastest jet, and like
Speaker 1: a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric bear skeleton,
Speaker 1: AND's a gigantic clock that only takes once a year.
Speaker 1: But he also gave back. Yeah, Bezos paid zero federal
Speaker 1: income taxes for two years. Maybe not to his country,
Speaker 1: but he has given nearly one point five percent of
Speaker 1: his net worth to charity. And while he didn't share
Speaker 1: much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he definitely helped
Speaker 1: them to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Speaker 2: Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because of Amazon's
Speaker 2: stringent quotas keep them too busy to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 1: You know what they say. Teach a man to fish,
Speaker 1: he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss
Speaker 1: in a bottle while he eats his fish, He only
Speaker 1: has to take a two minute lunch break. Jeff's plan
Speaker 1: was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan
Speaker 1: didn't take into account, that all his success would go
Speaker 1: to his head.
Speaker 6: The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 6: The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his
Speaker 6: girlfriend Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage.
Speaker 1: With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was
Speaker 1: most important to him in all the world, thirty eight
Speaker 1: billion dollars. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally
Speaker 1: showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce
Speaker 1: back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered
Speaker 1: dick and riding it to the Cosmos.
Speaker 7: Tonight, mission accomplished, Jeff Bezos launches into space in the
Speaker 7: first unpiloted fully civilian's subworrittaled flight.
Speaker 1: Yes, Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shift
Speaker 1: himself into the stars. Bethos had finally done. He finally
Speaker 1: made space travels seem uncool.
Speaker 11: I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and
Speaker 11: every Amazon customer, because you guys paid.
Speaker 1: For all this, and now the world knows the real
Speaker 1: Jeff Bezos as well as Jeff Bezos knows himself.
Speaker 10: I always worked really hard. I was nerdy, You were nerdy.
Speaker 10: I was nerdy. That hasn't changed. Explore more shows from
Speaker 10: the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show
Speaker 10: wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
Speaker 2: on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 2: plus
Speaker 4: Paramount Podcasts,