1 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch 2 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with 4 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:23,280 Speaker 1: couch Talks and you are wondering what it is, I'm 5 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: going to tell you it is the bonus episode of 6 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy, where I answer questions that you guys 7 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,639 Speaker 1: send to me and you can send those directly to 8 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: me through Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:40,159 Speaker 1: And as always, especially on these episodes, I like to 10 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: remind everybody that although I'm a therapist and although I'm 11 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 1: answering your questions, this is not a replacement for therapy 12 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: or any mental health services. Now, each week we usually 13 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: answer one question and it's always anonymous, so we're going 14 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: to stay with that theme today, and I'm going to 15 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: go ahead and get into this week's question because I 16 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,240 Speaker 1: sadly don't have a Harry Potter update for you guys 17 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: this week. I'm still listening to the Fifth Book and 18 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,040 Speaker 1: it's taking me forever. So let's just get into the question, 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: shall we. Hi, Catherine, my fiance and I have been 20 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: going through a lot of communication issues and I am 21 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 1: at a loss. I just recently heard your podcast on gaslighting, 22 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: and while I don't believe I'm being gaslt, I also 23 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: don't know. We are in a long distance relationship with 24 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: a nine hour different than time. Ever since he's gone 25 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: back to work, he has made it a point to 26 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:35,600 Speaker 1: put his friends in his work first, and we have 27 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: been losing even the little things like saying good night 28 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: to each other and saying I love you or I 29 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,759 Speaker 1: love you back. I've tried expressing that I need these 30 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: things from him, but instead I became the problem because 31 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: I blew up after finding out he had left his 32 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: ring behind when we went to a party. Now I 33 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: don't know what to do or say. He tells me 34 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: I'm draining, and I feel like I don't know how 35 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: to talk and help make the situation better. It doesn't 36 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,639 Speaker 1: help that I definitely have anxious attachment, and I believe 37 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 1: now he has an avoidant attachment because he was all 38 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: into me and now he's very distant. I get that 39 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 1: he would be much busier with work, but I did 40 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: not know we would lose ourselves this much. How can 41 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: we move forward from this? I feel like I'm crazy, 42 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,600 Speaker 1: but I also know my feelings are valid. Okay, So first, 43 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,079 Speaker 1: I want to say, I'm really sorry that you're going 44 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 1: through this. I can hear and feel the fear and 45 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:29,280 Speaker 1: the pain in your email. So the first thing I'm 46 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: going to encourage you to do is take some time 47 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: to breathe and take some time to just take care 48 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:38,200 Speaker 1: of yourself and nurture yourself. That can be just by 49 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,960 Speaker 1: you watching a TV show you love, but it also 50 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 1: can be going for a walk, going to a yoga class, 51 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: but taking time to settle down and breathe a little 52 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,960 Speaker 1: bit in this time, so it sounds like the relationship 53 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 1: feels threatened. So I would imagine that you're going through 54 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,519 Speaker 1: life with your threat defense system activated, and the way 55 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,959 Speaker 1: we act and respond is panic, and this panic survival 56 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,960 Speaker 1: mode is very different than how our logical side would 57 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: act in a safe environment. Even if you're in a 58 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: safe environment right now, you're still it sounds like you're 59 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 1: activated in that threat defense system. So that's partly why 60 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: I wanted you to work on just breathing and nurturing 61 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: yourself and creating a safe space for yourself even when 62 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: the relationship feels somewhat threatened. I also am going to 63 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: say it sounds like couples counseling would be really beneficial. 64 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,240 Speaker 1: I don't know if that's available for you guys, or 65 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: what that looks like because there's this time difference, but 66 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 1: it is really helpful when you can have a third 67 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: party that allows someone to get in there and see 68 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: from a separate, biased perspective, and they can help coach 69 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: you through some effective communication and see the inconsistencies in 70 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: both sides versus trying to figure out just what you 71 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,000 Speaker 1: should do or just what your partner should do. It's 72 00:03:56,040 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: a collective effort, and I want to take a second 73 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,760 Speaker 1: to note where you mentioned that you don't know if 74 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,839 Speaker 1: you're being gaslet, but you are questioning that. Going back 75 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: to the idea of you going to couples therapy, a 76 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 1: therapist will be able to help you walk through that 77 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 1: and piece together what feels confusing, because often we feel 78 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: like we're being gas lit when we are, but we 79 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: feel that when it almost feels like somebody is reversing 80 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 1: blame on us, or we started talking about one thing 81 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, the we're talking about another thing. 82 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: I am just straight up being lied to, being told 83 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: that I did do something or that the other person 84 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 1: didn't do something. Or did do something when they did, 85 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 1: And so a therapist is going to be able to 86 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 1: sit there and hear this conversation. If somebody is gaslighting you, 87 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 1: they might be able to call that out, so you 88 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 1: don't have to do the double work of knowing if 89 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: what they are saying is true and then also knowing 90 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 1: if what you're saying is true. I hope that makes sense, 91 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: but it's just very helpful to have couple's therapy when 92 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: there's conflict, like this is what I really mean now 93 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,799 Speaker 1: In the meantime, if that it's not something that is possible, 94 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 1: I wonder what would come up if you ask yourself, 95 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: what do I need to feel safe in my relationship 96 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 1: with my partner and the relationship with myself? And I 97 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 1: added myself because it sounds like you have reached a 98 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,599 Speaker 1: point where you're questioning yourself as much as you're questioning 99 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: your partner, and that goes back to the gaslighting thing. 100 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 1: When that happens, we start to wonder if our reality 101 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: even as reality, and if we even know what's best 102 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: for us, or if we even know how to accurately 103 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: understand certain situations. And so I would to ask yourself, 104 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,719 Speaker 1: what do I need in order to feel safe in 105 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: my relationship and safe with the relationship with myself. Now, 106 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 1: take into account that feeling safe and feeling comfortable are 107 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 1: two very different things, and so if we're just acting 108 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: on what's comfortable, we might be allowing our insecure attachments 109 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 1: to come in and kind of like rule the show. Right, 110 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 1: So something might be very uncomfortable. Maybe I don't always 111 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: know what my partner's doing twenty four to seven, but 112 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: I still can be safe in my relationship with them 113 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: if there's this basis of trust and if we have 114 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,960 Speaker 1: mutually agreed on ways of communication, things that we know 115 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,520 Speaker 1: we're going to do, things that we know we're not 116 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 1: going to do, and if we have that basis of trust, 117 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:22,280 Speaker 1: then I can have that safety without always knowing what 118 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 1: my partner's doing, which might be something that makes me 119 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,280 Speaker 1: feel more comfortable. Or at the same time, I can 120 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 1: have that safety without having to process every little bump 121 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: in the road with my partner to the extreme, which 122 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: might then wear out your partner. So I can be 123 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:40,239 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and sit with this anxiety I might feel at times, 124 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: but still know I'm safe. So what do I need 125 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: to be able to do that? Now? When our anxious 126 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: attachment system is activated. What happens is often that spidy 127 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 1: sense that's really awesome that we have, that right, that 128 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 1: spidey sense we have that tells us that something's off. 129 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: Because we notice the littlest changes, set's often alarm in 130 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,240 Speaker 1: our brains, and because we feel unsafe. Right, if you 131 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,920 Speaker 1: are still at that baseline of I don't feel safe 132 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 1: in this relationship and I feel like the relationship is threatened, 133 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 1: we're then going to need to find a reason for 134 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: that shift we felt right. I need to find a 135 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,080 Speaker 1: reason of why that thing is off, Why things aren't 136 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,120 Speaker 1: going the way they always go. Why this person didn't 137 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: text me back when they always text me back, why 138 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 1: this person they weren't as excited to see me as 139 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: they usually are excited. I have to find a reason 140 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 1: for every little thing that I noticed that is not 141 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: per the norm. The problem is often the reason we 142 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 1: find isn't accurate, and we move too fast, so we 143 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: have to find a reason immediately, And so then we 144 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: find a reason that oftentimes isn't accurate. But it feels good, 145 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: even though this might not make sense as I describe it, 146 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: It feels good to have a reason. It feels good 147 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,200 Speaker 1: to have that mystery solved. Even if the solving of 148 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: the mystery isn't what we want to believe, it still 149 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 1: allows us to solve the mystery. And so we continue 150 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: to do that to essentially tell ourselves that we are safe, 151 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 1: even though we still don't end up feeling safe. And 152 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: if this sounds confusing, it's because it is, and it's 153 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: because it doesn't actually end up working. So again, I 154 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 1: just want to say, really dig in and ask yourself 155 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: what do I need in order to feel safe, And 156 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: there's relationship and to feel safe with the relationship with myself. 157 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: If it feels like your partner is not able to 158 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: meet you somewhere where you can access that thing that 159 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: you need to feel safe, what I then would say 160 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: is there might be a level of incompatibility in that. 161 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 1: And I don't mean that to shed doom and gloom. 162 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: I say that really because most of the time when 163 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,680 Speaker 1: we are compatible with somebody, we are able to find 164 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: those things if we can access what it is that 165 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,680 Speaker 1: we really need. And you said earlier that you think 166 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 1: that you have an anxious attachment and your partner might 167 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 1: have an avoidant attachment, and so I would highly recommend 168 00:08:56,679 --> 00:08:58,800 Speaker 1: you go back and listening to the episodes on those 169 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,520 Speaker 1: two attachments that I have from years ago, because what 170 00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:03,320 Speaker 1: you don't want to do is get into this dance 171 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 1: where you both are activating the insecurity on each side 172 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,400 Speaker 1: and he's running away, and then you're chasing after him, 173 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: and then you chasing after him makes him run away 174 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,960 Speaker 1: even more versus you guys both leaning into each other. 175 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: You cannot control somebody else's attachment, So if somebody else's 176 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: attachment it's incompatible with yours, there's nothing that you can 177 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: do to fix or change them. All you can do 178 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: is focus on yourself and what do I need? Am 179 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,320 Speaker 1: I able to feel secure in this relationship regardless of 180 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: what this other person is doing now. I would also 181 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,280 Speaker 1: recommend listening to the Four Horsemen series that I just 182 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,599 Speaker 1: finished a couple of weeks ago. In this series, I 183 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 1: talked about four patterns of communication in times of conflict 184 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: that can poison a relationship, and then I give you 185 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 1: a nice antidote for each one, and it might help 186 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,559 Speaker 1: get you out of this cycle of finding out who's 187 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 1: right and wrong and getting somebody to agree, whether it's 188 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 1: your side or their side on something in a situation 189 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,319 Speaker 1: and help you both work towards understanding each other better, 190 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: which is oftentimes the goal. It's not agreeing, it's understanding. 191 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: Your partner doesn't have to agree with what makes you anxious, 192 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 1: but it would be very helpful for him to understand 193 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 1: that and take that into account. And you don't have 194 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: to agree with what makes your partner feel drained, but 195 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: we need to understand that so we can take that 196 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: into an account, So that would be really helpful, I 197 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,439 Speaker 1: think for you. If therapy is not an option for you, guys, 198 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: dig into those episodes and maybe listen to them together 199 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,520 Speaker 1: or each listen to them, and then come together and 200 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: talk about what feels really important and what feels valuable 201 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: from what you heard. Hopefully that was helpful and or 202 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: at least would be a jump start to getting you 203 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: some helpful information so you can access that safety that 204 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,959 Speaker 1: you desire in your relationship and anybody else, if you 205 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: have any questions or follow up questions or just random questions, 206 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: remember you can send this to me Katherine at You 207 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcasts. You can follow me on Instagram at 208 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 1: Kat dot defada and at you Need Therapy podcast and 209 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: I will be back with you guys on Monday. Until 210 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: then have the day you need to have