Speaker 1: Welcome to Get It to Dutch, a screenwriter's Journey. I'm Mark,
Speaker 1: I'm Greg, I'm Brendan, and we are a team of
Speaker 1: Hollywood screenwriters who meet every week to read from an
Speaker 1: original screenplay that one of us has written. We give
Speaker 1: notes and rank the scripts, and of course, at the
Speaker 1: end of the season, we were going to pitch the
Speaker 1: best script to the now deceased Dutch Huxley. But luckily
Speaker 1: his son Duck is still alive as far as we know,
Speaker 1: so hopefully we will be pitching it to him. We
Speaker 1: had a pretty exciting, tumultuous, crazy week, so let's jump
Speaker 1: right into new business. What the fuck? Greg? Hey, what
Speaker 1: the holy fuck?
Speaker 2: We were all supposed to go to Joshua Tree smooth
Speaker 2: things over with Duck, together as a group, and Duck
Speaker 2: and Greg no show. What the fuck happened?
Speaker 1: He didn't show up? Is what happened?
Speaker 3: Well, I was in Joshua Tree with Duck. I just
Speaker 3: didn't connect with you, guys.
Speaker 1: What the hell? That was the point? You owe us money?
Speaker 1: You shall pay?
Speaker 2: Where were you? What happened with Duck? And what the fuck?
Speaker 3: You know what? Guys? Before I answer that, let me
Speaker 3: ask you this, did you have a good time.
Speaker 2: An amazing game.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful national park, absolutely unbelievable. Desert is so peaceful.
Speaker 1: Being in Mars, I've never seen so many stars.
Speaker 2: To be there with Mark was fantastic.
Speaker 1: We got so many little antlers.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, just loaded with him. I got an awesome
Speaker 2: T shirt that cost eighty bucks. Unfortunately I ripped it
Speaker 2: in the damn laundry.
Speaker 1: This it's a shame. That looks so good.
Speaker 2: It looked awesome on me.
Speaker 1: We had a classic American fare at Pappy and Harriet's.
Speaker 2: The Rolling Stones showed up and did a set. I
Speaker 2: got to do my Micjagger impersonation for Mick Jagger and
Speaker 2: he said, well are you going?
Speaker 1: He loved it. He wouldn't let us take a selfie,
Speaker 1: but otherwise it was great.
Speaker 3: Well it sounds great, guys, I don't know what you're
Speaker 3: freaking out about.
Speaker 2: Unbelievable.
Speaker 1: We had to uber both ways. You were supposed to
Speaker 1: drive us.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you something. This guy's a goddamned delight
Speaker 2: to hang out with. He knows things about wines. He
Speaker 2: knows names of wines.
Speaker 3: Mark, Yes, yes, and what it.
Speaker 2: Tastes good with. I had a meal with a wine
Speaker 2: that he recommended in my mouth exploded.
Speaker 3: Bring some of that expertise back to here, because the
Speaker 3: wine around this apartment is awful.
Speaker 1: I've had enough, man, I have had enough where we
Speaker 1: should pay for our uber both ways.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna pay for your uber dip.
Speaker 2: Into the tidy sum my man.
Speaker 3: I don't believe in.
Speaker 1: Don't you have stock and uber? No?
Speaker 3: I have stock and men in a van?
Speaker 2: What the fuck is man in a van?
Speaker 3: Men with fans who pick you up and take you
Speaker 3: where you need to go. I think it's self explanatory.
Speaker 3: It's all in the title. Oh actually, right now, it's
Speaker 3: just one man and one van.
Speaker 1: Tell what happened.
Speaker 3: Sorry, guys, I did not connect with you. Sometimes, you know,
Speaker 3: you have to you have to play the vibes, and
Speaker 3: the vibes weren't right. We went to Duck's house out
Speaker 3: in the desert, his beautiful mirrored Joshua Tree retreat, and
Speaker 3: we're cool.
Speaker 1: Now, why didn't you invite us? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Well it's hard to find because it's reflective.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but if we were with you there, we could
Speaker 2: have taken the journey together.
Speaker 3: Well, they're also wasn't enough room in my slingshot two
Speaker 3: seats one product one for me.
Speaker 1: In case you missed it, Greg is leasing a slingshot
Speaker 1: which looks like a Batman car.
Speaker 3: It looks better than a Batman car.
Speaker 1: It really does well. What happened? What happened?
Speaker 3: Look, guys, Duck and I had a lot of things
Speaker 3: to work out. We took a bunch of drugs, We
Speaker 3: built a fire, and then we had a ceremony. We
Speaker 3: had a shamanic ceremony, and a lot of stuff comes
Speaker 3: up in those.
Speaker 1: What came up.
Speaker 3: What came up for him was that I was treating
Speaker 3: him like a steps on and he doesn't need that
Speaker 3: right now.
Speaker 1: How are you treating him like a step So?
Speaker 3: I tossle his hair. I always ask him to play catch,
Speaker 3: I go to his baseball games. I buy him ice cream.
Speaker 1: That's a grown man, yeah, Gregg and older than you. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I told him if he masturbated too much, he'd go blind,
Speaker 3: and if he didn't, he'd go completely animal crackers like
Speaker 3: markedad that one time.
Speaker 2: Here's a good little role for everybody about masturbation. There's
Speaker 2: a rule about watching her hair. You shouldn't watch her
Speaker 2: every day. That's something I learned as mike hair started
Speaker 2: falling out, so go every other day. Here's a nice
Speaker 2: little rhyme for you. If your hair is so nope, nope, nope.
Speaker 2: If your hair is dry, let it fly.
Speaker 3: This just turned into a completely different podcast anyway, guys.
Speaker 3: The headline is he didn't like that. I could see
Speaker 3: what and I can see why he didn't want that.
Speaker 3: Right now, his dad just died and I'm with his mom,
Speaker 3: and so I agreed that I would stop treating him
Speaker 3: like a steps on and start treating him like my
Speaker 3: best friend again. Okay, And he agreed to give us
Speaker 3: a first look deal.
Speaker 1: Wo.
Speaker 3: Yes, I got us a first look Wow, first first
Speaker 3: look deal.
Speaker 1: Deal do we get paid for that? What is? What's
Speaker 1: the first.
Speaker 3: Going to be the first one to look at anything
Speaker 3: we bring to him? Guys? And he's gonna buy it?
Speaker 1: Wasn't he already gonna look at Well, he.
Speaker 3: Was gonna be, but not officially not he not first.
Speaker 3: He's first in line and he's first to buy or
Speaker 3: the listener, the listeners first. When someone has the first.
Speaker 2: First look at a script script and we don't film it,
Speaker 2: definitely he reads it.
Speaker 1: He reads the script and he doesn't see the movie.
Speaker 3: Basically, he wants to be the guy that looks through
Speaker 3: the first thing that comes through the door and from Oh,
Speaker 3: and we get money, get that look.
Speaker 1: Look we get he gets to look at it, He
Speaker 1: gets to look at what happens if someone else looks
Speaker 1: at it before he looks at it.
Speaker 3: Oh, then that's not good.
Speaker 2: So we are not allowed to like pass this to
Speaker 2: friend Steve nodit or and.
Speaker 1: They have to sign something.
Speaker 3: You know. I asked him that, but at that point
Speaker 3: he was crouching on top of a rock and saying,
Speaker 3: if he screamed the right tone, he could be one
Speaker 3: with God.
Speaker 2: I believe it out there. I really believe God is anywhere.
Speaker 2: He's in Joshua Tree.
Speaker 3: Believe me, guys, this is better than a second look deal.
Speaker 2: What is a second look deal?
Speaker 3: That's where you sign a deal where the studio says,
Speaker 3: if you can get any other studio to look at
Speaker 3: this and pass, then we'll take a look at it.
Speaker 3: So the studio is basically saying, we wouldn't give you
Speaker 3: one foot out the door.
Speaker 2: So it's an open door.
Speaker 1: One out the door.
Speaker 3: It's more like a closed door, but you're welcome to
Speaker 3: knock on it.
Speaker 1: If you've already gone in the door. They want you
Speaker 1: out of the door before they let you knock on
Speaker 1: their door.
Speaker 3: Look, what Duck is saying is closed door.
Speaker 2: That's good.
Speaker 1: He said, it is a closed door. You have to
Speaker 1: knock on it, which is and if.
Speaker 3: You kind of have to knock on it, and you
Speaker 3: can hear him brustling around inside.
Speaker 1: They're in there though, Yeah, in there.
Speaker 3: They sometimes are pretending not to be in there.
Speaker 1: Are you allowed to open it if it's not locked?
Speaker 3: And that's always kind of a question depends on what studio.
Speaker 2: What can you pop your head in.
Speaker 3: If you pop your head in, you might not like
Speaker 3: what you see. That's so better to knock.
Speaker 1: But that's not our deal.
Speaker 2: That's a second looking everyone in there.
Speaker 3: So Douck is saying, you get me the script. I'll
Speaker 3: look at it and I'll buy it.
Speaker 1: I'll buy it.
Speaker 3: Well, I don't know actually if he'll buy it.
Speaker 1: Just to reset the initial point of this podcast was
Speaker 1: to get a script to Dutch, who's now dead. But
Speaker 1: now we're in bed with his son Duck as we
Speaker 1: are Greg used to be in bed with his mom
Speaker 1: still him and that's fine because we're all in bed
Speaker 1: with Doc and that's great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, is it his comfy under the sheets.
Speaker 1: That sure is.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean you should feel those sheets. They're unbelievable.
Speaker 3: They're two thousand thread count.
Speaker 1: Okay, well I'm pumped, So let's get into this week's script,
Speaker 1: which is Brendan's Hey, why don't you set it up
Speaker 1: for us?
Speaker 2: Well, I am dipping a toe and a little something
Speaker 2: called horror excellent. Tell Yeah, So I wrote this a
Speaker 2: couple of weeks ago. I came up with this idea
Speaker 2: on my Uber ride home. It was that day we
Speaker 2: all went out to lunch. You guys remember that we
Speaker 2: decided to go get something healthy for lunch.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: I bought that teeseburger and I asked them to put
Speaker 2: it on my salad. Mm no, do you don't remember that?
Speaker 1: I think?
Speaker 2: So I went to Burger Mystery.
Speaker 3: Oh I guess I kind of.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's the one where you get a mystery Burger. Yeah.
Speaker 2: They spin this giant wheel and whatever it lands on,
Speaker 2: you got to get that. I ended up with a
Speaker 2: triple cheese bacon barbecue.
Speaker 3: Sauce, and all the waiters are famous TV detectives.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, that style m for Burger. I
Speaker 2: love that place too. Every time I go there. I
Speaker 2: get Colombo though, and he actually is a pretty good detective.
Speaker 2: You know, he's always like, oh I noticed it stumbled
Speaker 2: when he asked for the mixed greens. You really want
Speaker 2: loaded bacon fries, don't you. He's always right now. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he's actually a really good detective. I keep telling him
Speaker 2: to get the hell out of there. He's a better
Speaker 2: detective than a waiter never refills my iced tea a
Speaker 2: second time.
Speaker 1: I always get McNulty from the wire.
Speaker 3: Oh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's always hitting on whoever i'm with.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's always like, hey, hey, we got to get
Speaker 3: this guy some ketchup for these fries.
Speaker 2: Snot Yeah, it's like a British accent trying to.
Speaker 3: There's dead people in the shipping contato. Okay, it only
Speaker 3: sounded like he needed an affronsh McNaughty.
Speaker 1: Mcnaughte.
Speaker 2: Where did we go Trey Ho's tacos?
Speaker 3: No? We went to Richard Jenkin salad bags?
Speaker 1: Was that where we went? Why are celebrities making restaurants?
Speaker 3: Are those guys celebrities?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: He's great.
Speaker 1: Richard Jenks Jenkins is great.
Speaker 2: Every time I see that guy, I forget he makes movies.
Speaker 2: I always think he's a state senator.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well he's in everything. He's in a Cohen Brothers
Speaker 3: movie for a couple minutes.
Speaker 1: All right, well, okay, and he was in Six Feet
Speaker 1: Under for a couple of minutes. Oh yeah, he was.
Speaker 3: He was in Shape of Water for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1: He was in Burn After Reading for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 3: He was in the Visitor. It seemed like a couple
Speaker 3: of minutes, but it was actually the whole movie.
Speaker 1: He was the dad and stepbrothers for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2: That guy. Yeah right, he's not a senator.
Speaker 3: No, he played a senator in Kong Skull Island, I
Speaker 3: think for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 2: That's right, Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.
Speaker 1: So let's set up this horror movie.
Speaker 2: Okay, why don't we go right off the top. I
Speaker 2: think we're just gonna get ourselves into the world. This
Speaker 2: is a little movie called Fat Pig, and it's about
Speaker 2: a bullied teenager named Gordon Schlumpley and this classic R
Speaker 2: movie trope small town and his family is a bit
Speaker 2: odd and has maybe some mysterious powers. Oh and then
Speaker 2: the town is shook to its core when a series
Speaker 2: of grizzly murders start to happen. Excellent, So I like
Speaker 2: to take you guys right into the top. Scene one meat.
Speaker 2: Gordon Schlumpley, an unpopular teenager.
Speaker 1: Okay, great, that's what it says here.
Speaker 2: All right, Mark, would you mind doing stage or extra
Speaker 2: putting those golden pipes of that?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 2: Very nice? And Greg, put your west golden pipes to
Speaker 2: the parts I highlighted there for you.
Speaker 3: Brass pipe song.
Speaker 1: Rusty Brown. All right here we in copper.
Speaker 2: Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1: Fat pig. Exterior, dilapidated house night. Gordon schlumpy an unpopular, overweighteen,
Speaker 1: opens a rusty old gate and sadly shuffles up the
Speaker 1: walkway to the house. His t shirt is torn. He
Speaker 1: looks dirty and beat up. He clumps up the rotting
Speaker 1: wood steps of his house, opens the door and walks in.
Speaker 1: Interior continuous Gordon throws his bag down and starts to
Speaker 1: head up the staircase. He pauses, tears fill his eyes.
Speaker 1: We zoom in tight to his eyes, so we all
Speaker 1: know we're flashing back in time. Exterior open field. Today
Speaker 1: we see Gordon surrounded by bullies, Marv and Craig toss
Speaker 1: poor Gordon's backpack back and forth as three beautiful girls Amanda,
Speaker 1: Doris and Sarah cackle shoelessly twirling in the grass. Craig says, can.
Speaker 3: You believe he actually has books in this thing? Marv
Speaker 3: I thought this was his feedbag, stufful of doughnuts.
Speaker 1: Don't cry, GORDA, We're just making sure you get some exercise, bud.
Speaker 1: As Gordon lunges for the bag, Marv side steps him
Speaker 1: and trips him. The portly doof plops into a pile
Speaker 1: of mud, face first. Craig takes the book bag and
Speaker 1: unloads the contents onto Gordon's head. Amanda ties back her
Speaker 1: long blonde hair as she.
Speaker 3: Laughs down in the mud where a pig belongs.
Speaker 1: The bullies laugh and walk off their feet. Filthy we
Speaker 1: zoom in on the eyes of Gordon of past and
Speaker 1: returned to interior house. Gordon wipes tears away and old
Speaker 1: steps groan as the big sad sack glumps all the
Speaker 1: way up to the top of the winding stairs to
Speaker 1: a solitary door. All the way at the top, the
Speaker 1: door is adorned with strange cymbals, small paintings of fire
Speaker 1: and pigs. Gordon opens the door and enters interior Grammy's room.
Speaker 1: Grammy sits in an old rocking chair, staring deep into
Speaker 1: a fireplace. The room is adorned with weird things like
Speaker 1: skulls and shrunken heads and weird shit. The old Crone's
Speaker 1: eyes snap to attention as Gordon's shadow eclipses over her.
Speaker 2: Gordon, my sweet boy, that fayat hats told me much
Speaker 2: of your day, Come get your sweet.
Speaker 1: The old gal's hand pulls a dark, mysterious cookie from
Speaker 1: a jar that looks like a cauldron. The rotund boy
Speaker 1: quickly shuffles over and begins to devour the sweet from
Speaker 1: her hand. As we cut to interior Amanda's kitchen. Night
Speaker 1: close on Amanda's long, elegant feet as they spin the
Speaker 1: girl around. She dances around her kitchen and nothing but
Speaker 1: a T shirt and her underwear, singing into a spoon
Speaker 1: she's using to make a yogurt parfe.
Speaker 3: Shake it off, Shake it Off.
Speaker 1: A loud bang on the back door rattles her the fuck.
Speaker 1: She pads over to the back door and looks out nothing.
Speaker 1: She shrugs and slaps her elegant floppers back over to
Speaker 1: the counter that is covered in granola, avocados and yogurt
Speaker 1: and shit blam. The door rattles again with a violent rumble.
Speaker 3: Craig marv. If you chere fucking with me, I'll kill
Speaker 3: you corroll.
Speaker 1: The bottom of the door explodes as a huge pig
Speaker 1: runs into the kitchen ah. The pig knocks the girl
Speaker 1: to the ground. It squeals a high pitched nightmare sound
Speaker 1: and snapped into her left foot. Amanda screams bloody murder.
Speaker 1: Blood pours from her footless limb. She tries to crawl away,
Speaker 1: but is pulled back as the swine bites into her
Speaker 1: right foot. The hungry slopper takes huge chomps and munches
Speaker 1: her leg down hole. Amanda's dreams turned to gurgles as
Speaker 1: blood pours from her mouth, her eyes cross and go lifeless.
Speaker 1: We hear the ravenous sounds of the pig feasting as
Speaker 1: we fade to black exterior backyard night. We slowly fade
Speaker 1: up and through the window we see the kitchen as trashed. Hell,
Speaker 1: food and blood cover the floor and walls as police
Speaker 1: walk about surveying the grizzly crime scene. Meanwhile, in the
Speaker 1: backyard bushes, we hear grunting the camera lands on the
Speaker 1: killer pig squatting to defecate. He finishes and quickly scurries away.
Speaker 1: The camera stays on the pile of his excrement. The
Speaker 1: dukie seems to hum an evil tone. A blonde hair
Speaker 1: slowly grows out of it, and scene wading. Holy shit, man.
Speaker 3: Do you have a foot? Finish? But there's so much
Speaker 3: fools and that's slopping.
Speaker 2: I'm just explaining what the camera seeing.
Speaker 1: So they're always on the feet. Why the feet? Is
Speaker 1: it like a pig's eye of you or is it?
Speaker 3: Do you want to Yeah, it's just like it's talking
Speaker 3: about her feet more than serumst tag.
Speaker 1: If you have a foot fetish, Hey, no kink shaming.
Speaker 1: If that's your thing to just that's your thing. Never stopped?
Speaker 3: Do you what?
Speaker 1: What are we? Never stop? What? Where are you going?
Speaker 3: Where's your problem? Dude? What do you not?
Speaker 1: What? What do you mean?
Speaker 3: Not?
Speaker 1: Where are you going? What's not? Where?
Speaker 3: Bring your elegant flappers back across the floor and talk
Speaker 3: to us. Man, don't where's he going? I don't know
Speaker 3: the fuck? What is wrong?
Speaker 1: He's acting like? What is he doing?
Speaker 3: Dude? You think this is I'll be.
Speaker 1: Honest, he's been weird all wheat.
Speaker 3: He's been really, really strange.
Speaker 1: He's not returning my calls anytime I talk to him.
Speaker 3: He says, nap, I never call him, but I'm sure
Speaker 3: if I did, he wouldn't.
Speaker 1: Now he's showing up weird with a script with two
Speaker 1: assholes named Marvin Craig.
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I just noticed that. To be honest,
Speaker 3: I never really paid much attention to his character details.
Speaker 3: Just the foot stuff stuck out to me.
Speaker 1: Here's a theory. What do you think he's mad? We
Speaker 1: laughed at his cheeseburger salad I do last week?
Speaker 3: Well, because he brought a burger into Richard Jenkins salad bags.
Speaker 3: You can't get burgers there, and he tore it up
Speaker 3: and put it into.
Speaker 1: The bread and French fries.
Speaker 2: Yes, he's back back again.
Speaker 3: Hey, welcome back man.
Speaker 2: Boom boom boom Brodley Chipper. Everything just had to go
Speaker 2: to the bathroom is cleansed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it seems so so mad is everything? Okay? Oh great?
Speaker 2: No, I'm great. You guys want to keep reading this bad.
Speaker 1: But yeah, let's do it. Yeah, set up the next scene.
Speaker 2: Okay, So I want to take you a couple of
Speaker 2: scenes down here. Flip a couple of pages here. This
Speaker 2: is the scene. Everyone in town is shocked about Amanda's
Speaker 2: terrible murder when shockingly, she shows back up a lot
Speaker 2: of shocks. She is, you, guys never stopped well, hey man.
Speaker 3: This is the podcast. Just having fun.
Speaker 1: We're just having fun. What's not Just come sit back down, man,
Speaker 1: I'm just messing around.
Speaker 2: Yes, he's mec I'm back, guys.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh, I just said, why'd you just go over
Speaker 3: and stand in the corner looking at the wall and
Speaker 3: then turned around and came back.
Speaker 2: Caf got tight, wanted to stretch it out.
Speaker 1: Okay, everything's fine. We're gonna take your face value. Everything's fine.
Speaker 2: Okay, So everyone thinks Amanda's dead, and then she returns
Speaker 2: to school alive. Oh and guess what. She's having lunch
Speaker 2: with Gordon, and she's laughing at everything Gordon says, and
Speaker 2: she has this weird, creepy smile every time she talks
Speaker 2: to her friends. Suddenly she thinks Gordon is amazing. Her
Speaker 2: friends Sarah and Doris think this is really weird. So
Speaker 2: in this scene, Amanda's friends Doris and Sarah catch Gordon
Speaker 2: and Amanda in the hallway and they confront them.
Speaker 1: Oh fun, all right, cool interior school hallway. Later, Sarah
Speaker 1: and Doris walk down a hallway and spot Amanda walking
Speaker 1: with Gordon. Hey, this thought you were murdered. Get over here,
Speaker 1: we need to talk. Amanda and Gordon look scared and
Speaker 1: take off around a corner.
Speaker 2: Oh you bet, run, you little piggies.
Speaker 1: Sarah and Doris chase after them. They whip around the
Speaker 1: corner and two giant pigs stand, grunting an evil grunt.
Speaker 1: The pigs charge the girls, and now Doris and Sarah
Speaker 1: turn and run. Sarah runs straight down the hall to
Speaker 1: the bathroom, losing Doris. In a panic, she hides in
Speaker 1: the last toilet stall in a row of four. She
Speaker 1: closes the door and squats on the toilet, her sandaled
Speaker 1: feet just small enough to hold her steady on the
Speaker 1: toilet seat. She hears the bathroom door slowly open and
Speaker 1: tries to stifle her nervous breath. All is quiet, and
Speaker 1: then wham the door to the first stall is kicked in.
Speaker 1: Sarah whippers. Wham, the door to the second stall is
Speaker 1: kicked in. Tears streamed down Sarah's face. Wham, the door
Speaker 1: to the third stall is kicked in one left. Sarah
Speaker 1: is terrified. Whow Sarah screams, and his face to face
Speaker 1: with Doris.
Speaker 2: Shit, girl, there you are where the psycho pigs? Did
Speaker 2: we lose him?
Speaker 1: Sarah opens her mouth to speak, but before she can
Speaker 1: get a word out, a pig flies up out of
Speaker 1: the toilet like jaws and bites her into Blood sprays
Speaker 1: out of both ends of her chomped halves. Sarah's torso
Speaker 1: flies forward and knocks Doris backwards. She falls and cracks
Speaker 1: her head so hard on the sink it's lopped off
Speaker 1: and flies to the air, landing in a toilet bowl.
Speaker 1: Blood sprays from her neck hole like a geyser before
Speaker 1: her body crumples to the floor. Sarah, just a torso
Speaker 1: now screams in terror as the bathroom door flies open.
Speaker 1: The second killer pig charges in. The pig bites her
Speaker 1: nose and pulls back. Sarah's skin stretches until screlch her
Speaker 1: face is ripped off. Sarah's face is now just exposed
Speaker 1: muscles and tendons, but she's still alive as both pigs
Speaker 1: set to feasting upon her. End scene.
Speaker 3: Wonder right heavy to her feet do we did have a.
Speaker 1: Question?
Speaker 2: What the camera sees guys.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's camera first.
Speaker 3: How'd the pig get through the toilet?
Speaker 2: Who cares?
Speaker 3: Right, I'm just this is not.
Speaker 2: Just another one of my stupid ideas.
Speaker 1: We're just asking the logic of.
Speaker 2: Maybe the pig was thin enough. Okay, all right, maybe
Speaker 2: he ate a healthy lunch. And maybe just because the
Speaker 2: words it's a pig doesn't mean it's fat.
Speaker 3: I'm saying that movie is called Fat Pig, and I'm
Speaker 3: wondering what the logic of the pigs getting through the pipesays?
Speaker 3: That's all?
Speaker 1: Are all the pigs fat? Because you said it was
Speaker 1: a second pig?
Speaker 2: Okay, you know what, Who fucking cares? Maybe it's all
Speaker 2: movie magic? All right? So why are you guys mansplaining.
Speaker 1: It to me? Man's plaining. It's not what it means.
Speaker 1: Let me break down man's plaining for you.
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 3: What is this?
Speaker 1: What are you doing now? What is the problem? Man?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 2: Yes, thanks guys, let's do the next Thanks for what
Speaker 2: what is going on? I want all that edited out?
Speaker 2: Thanks guys.
Speaker 1: Thanks?
Speaker 2: What do you think you can destructive notes? You're right, man,
Speaker 2: maybe I'll look at that pig thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've just it's a movie called fat pig, and
Speaker 3: I just wanted to know if there was a cool
Speaker 3: story beat about the pigs crawling through the pipes or something.
Speaker 3: That's it.
Speaker 1: And there's a lot of feet. Let's do the next scene.
Speaker 2: You want to know what's not horror? Seeing the guy
Speaker 2: creep behind the corner before he flies out of the corner. Okay,
Speaker 2: it's all about chocks, right. You don't see Freddy hide
Speaker 2: behind a bush before he explodes out of a fucking bush,
Speaker 2: because that's not scary.
Speaker 3: Who's Freddy is in the script? Kroger? Oh, Freddy Kroger,
Speaker 3: the grocer, grocery guy, the owner of the Kroger, the hunt,
Speaker 3: I said, Krueger, the haunted grocery store.
Speaker 1: That's an idea, Freddy Kroger, Freddy Kroger.
Speaker 3: That is an idea, a bit of a parody. Maybe
Speaker 3: you could go eat Cheeseburger's the grocery store.
Speaker 4: Thanks, guys, up the scene.
Speaker 1: Let's just get through it. It's a good script. It's
Speaker 1: a good script.
Speaker 2: Thank you. Thanks guys. So I want to take you
Speaker 2: later on into the script. Mervin Craig, the two asshole
Speaker 2: bullies show up at Gordon's birthday party, which is at
Speaker 2: a big nightclub. When they arrive, everyone is having this
Speaker 2: amazing time. Okay, Gordon's on stage. He is crushing New
Speaker 2: York State of Mind by Billy Joel. But then someone
Speaker 2: in the crowd spots Marvin Craig, and they party just
Speaker 2: stops dead silence, and everyone turns and stares with this
Speaker 2: creepy stare and these creepy smiles, and they start chanting
Speaker 2: you don't belong, You don't belong, and they chase after them,
Speaker 2: and the boys are running. So this is the scene
Speaker 2: where they have escaped the danger, but they start to
Speaker 2: realize what is happening to the town.
Speaker 3: Okay, great, this takes place present day.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Oh, he's saying New York state of Mind, Billy Joel
Speaker 3: is timeless.
Speaker 1: It could be Jay z right.
Speaker 2: You have a problem with Billy Joel.
Speaker 3: No, I'm just saying, that's kind a funny thing for
Speaker 3: a high school student to sing Billy Joel and be
Speaker 3: like celebrated for it.
Speaker 2: Sunglasses are just things until Billy Joel wore them.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, man, all right, here we are interior nightclub
Speaker 1: night Marvin Craig finally safe in a back room collapse,
Speaker 1: breathless to the floor. I don't get any of this.
Speaker 1: We were the most popular kids in school. Now, Gordon is.
Speaker 3: This has to be something to do with all those pigs. Right,
Speaker 3: A bunch of crazy pigs show up buddy crime scenes
Speaker 3: with nobody, then everybody is crazy, happy and in love
Speaker 3: with Gordon.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, remember what share If Hoppringer was saying
Speaker 1: the other day before his office was covered in blood
Speaker 1: and he suddenly loved Gordon. He said, the Schlumpy family
Speaker 1: is into some weird religious voodoo or some shit. They've
Speaker 1: been outcast in this town for years.
Speaker 3: Right, and their house is built on the ashes of
Speaker 3: that old Satanic temple that was built on that Native
Speaker 3: American burial.
Speaker 1: Holy shit, Craig Gordon is magically turning himself into a
Speaker 1: killer pig.
Speaker 3: And he's eating his enemies and shitting the mouth. And
Speaker 3: then the shit grows into Gordon loving daffelgangers who can
Speaker 3: also turn into pigs.
Speaker 1: All of our friends are shit people, and old Gordon
Speaker 1: Schlumpley is the magic killer pig. What's that?
Speaker 4: Chaps?
Speaker 1: The boys gasp and turn to see Gordon looming over them.
Speaker 1: Back off, Gordo, you ain't turning us into shit. People
Speaker 1: through your magic pig guts pig.
Speaker 3: You don't think, no need to think, big boy, You're
Speaker 3: an evil magic pig who eats his enemies then craps friends.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, guys, No, it's Grammy, Grammy. I thought
Speaker 2: it was weird how popular I got. I guess I
Speaker 2: just wanted to believe I was cool.
Speaker 1: What are you saying, Gordon, You had nothing to do
Speaker 1: with this.
Speaker 2: My grandmother, she's the High Priestess of the Swines of
Speaker 2: the Fire Goddess. She must have done all this. Guys,
Speaker 2: I swear I didn't know.
Speaker 1: Gordon cries Marvin Craig's hearts are moved. He knew I
Speaker 1: wasn't popular. Gordon. It's okay, man. This is our fault.
Speaker 1: More than anything, we made your life.
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, I guess at the heart of all this,
Speaker 3: we were just two insecure jerks who never took the
Speaker 3: time to see how awesome you are your knowledge.
Speaker 1: Of superhero trivia. You speak Elvi, you sing it sound
Speaker 1: just like Billy Joel when you sing.
Speaker 3: Hell you invented cheeseburger salad. What it It's delicious and healthy.
Speaker 3: I never thought that could be done.
Speaker 1: So there it is. Yeah, but so I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: I want to rip the band aid off here. Man,
Speaker 1: did you hear us making fun of you about the
Speaker 1: cheeseburger salad?
Speaker 2: I have no idea, mad as we're talking about.
Speaker 1: You're mad at us for saying that it was a
Speaker 1: goofy idea.
Speaker 2: Don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 3: Can we please read the Script's up a triple cheeseburger
Speaker 3: and stuck it in a bag of lettuce and said
Speaker 3: it was healthy.
Speaker 2: Guys, we are in the middle of a script. Okay, please, Okay,
Speaker 2: did dramas how you guys are doing great performances? I
Speaker 2: don't want to lose this.
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, back into it. We are so sorry, Gordon.
Speaker 3: We are massive pieces of shit.
Speaker 2: I have every right to hate you guys right now.
Speaker 2: But like the great Martin Luther King Junior says, we
Speaker 2: must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who
Speaker 2: is devoid of power to forgive is devoid of the
Speaker 2: power to love.
Speaker 1: Marvin Craig are stunned by this gentle giant's capacy city
Speaker 1: to forgive, and feel even worse about themselves.
Speaker 2: When do you say we team up, boys and go
Speaker 2: kill my grandmother?
Speaker 1: Craig and marsh Beam. This guy may actually save the
Speaker 1: whole town.
Speaker 3: We just have to get to the bottom of this
Speaker 3: cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1: Can we just clear the air? Yes, I don't, because
Speaker 1: you're acting like it's not a big deal and it's
Speaker 1: clearly upsetting you.
Speaker 2: Guys.
Speaker 3: How do you know that we were making fun of
Speaker 3: the cheeseburger salad for not being healthy?
Speaker 2: Would you guys make fun of the cheeseburger's house.
Speaker 3: We were just saying that it's a funny idea that
Speaker 3: someone would.
Speaker 2: Got everything is about you two.
Speaker 1: Guys, Okay, but Marv and Craig are clearly us is not.
Speaker 2: And I don't even know what you're talking about the
Speaker 2: cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 3: I'm just trying to You went down the street, you
Speaker 3: got a triple cheeseburger with bacon and extra cheese, and
Speaker 3: then you came back. You ripped it up and put
Speaker 3: it in a salad bag and shook it up.
Speaker 1: Let me say, for the both of us, I'm sorry, Sorry,
Speaker 1: we made fun.
Speaker 3: Apologize for me. Mark.
Speaker 1: Can we read the next scene? How many more are there?
Speaker 1: Just that last one?
Speaker 2: You know what, I'll take it to the very end
Speaker 2: where they confront the grandmother. My head is spinning because
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to cut through the script. I have
Speaker 2: no idea. You guys are all upset about Okay, So
Speaker 2: here we are there at the house again. They're about
Speaker 2: to take down the evil Grammy okay.
Speaker 1: Exterior dilapidated house. Night the boys approach Gordon's house. Ominous
Speaker 1: clouds swirl in the sky. The house is totally dark
Speaker 1: except for the flicker of fire in the attic.
Speaker 2: She's home. We've got to get to the attic.
Speaker 3: Shouldn't be too hard, ah.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be too sure about that. They turned to
Speaker 1: see all the people from the party staring wide eyed
Speaker 1: and silent at them, large smiles plastered on their faces.
Speaker 1: They open their mouths and speak as one What.
Speaker 2: Are you doing with those nasty boys? You belong with us.
Speaker 2: We love you, Grandma. You can't do this. You can't
Speaker 2: force people to like me. You have to let them
Speaker 2: grow to see that I am something special on my own. Sure,
Speaker 2: the idea of a cheeseburger salad being healthy sounds silly
Speaker 2: at first, but if you give people a second to
Speaker 2: think about it, they'll actually see that it's a very
Speaker 2: good idea.
Speaker 1: Marvin Craig nod. Gordon is right. His words hit home.
Speaker 2: You dari fi, then you die.
Speaker 1: The mass of people begin to snort and grunt Gordon.
Speaker 1: The crowd begins to writhe and groan, their joints snapping
Speaker 1: and bending as they turn into pigs.
Speaker 4: Roun.
Speaker 1: The three boys take off at a full sprint to
Speaker 1: the house. The sound of hooves followed them up the
Speaker 1: steps and through the door. They hit the main staircase
Speaker 1: and race up. The door behind them explodes into a
Speaker 1: shower of splinters as a wave of pigs pour into
Speaker 1: the house.
Speaker 2: Go get to the attic and kill Grammy. I'll hold
Speaker 2: them back.
Speaker 1: Marvin Craig begin weeping.
Speaker 3: Gordon, No, we can't lose.
Speaker 1: Gordon smiles a wry smile like Indiana Jones.
Speaker 2: Nice yo, I got this.
Speaker 1: Moved by his courage, the weeping boys turn and head
Speaker 1: up the staircase, blubbering. They reach the attic door.
Speaker 3: Here goes Snubby, be brave like Gordon.
Speaker 1: They kick the door and they see the back of
Speaker 1: Grammy's rocking chair, the old woman slowly rocking in front
Speaker 1: of the fire.
Speaker 3: Time to die, Grammy.
Speaker 1: The old woman just laughs, a deep, soulless laugh that
Speaker 1: freezes the two bulls in the tracks. I think not,
Speaker 1: Greg and Mick, I think not. The old woman stands
Speaker 1: and turns to face them. They are stunned. Grammy is Gordon?
Speaker 3: Gordon?
Speaker 2: That's right, fuck faces, I heard you make fun of
Speaker 2: me and my cheeseburger salad. You are not better than
Speaker 2: me and I am cool.
Speaker 1: Flew of pigs rush up behind Mark and Greg. One
Speaker 1: pig snout goes to Greg's button, bites down in yanks.
Speaker 1: His whole spine and skull are pulled from his backside,
Speaker 1: along with a huge gut of blood and shit.
Speaker 3: Come on.
Speaker 1: Mark is knocked to the ground. His pigs pull him
Speaker 1: from every direction. His shoes are ripped off. The pigs
Speaker 1: see his feet and think they're weird and leave them be,
Speaker 1: deciding instead to latch onto his less weird ankles. The
Speaker 1: others grab his wrists. They begin to yank in different directions,
Speaker 1: pulling the fool, who is unimaginative about food apart. He
Speaker 1: screams in agony. His hair is yanked. He looks up
Speaker 1: to see the puller is Gordon.
Speaker 2: He's the old boy. Let's not lose our head.
Speaker 1: Gordon pulls his head off as the other pigs rip
Speaker 1: his arms and legs from his body. Gordon holds Mark's
Speaker 1: head high to a mass of squealing pigs and laughs
Speaker 1: a dark and evil laugh as he talks it to
Speaker 1: his hungry piggies. EO we we we are hole and
Speaker 1: so fucking it.
Speaker 3: It's just all about the cheeseburger salad marks.
Speaker 2: Fuckheads, that's about you.
Speaker 1: We were not surprised.
Speaker 3: We're not surprised you actually called us Gregon Mark in
Speaker 3: the last scene. Wait, just fuck learning.
Speaker 2: Rise, fuckheads, that was about you, we know, maybe.
Speaker 3: Learn to use find replacement shit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I fucked up.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: I wanted you guys to fucking just read that whole
Speaker 2: thing in this boom eat it.
Speaker 1: I heard you.
Speaker 2: I heard what you said about the cheeseburger salad. You
Speaker 2: thought I went to the bus, I forgot my backpack.
Speaker 2: I came back to get it, and there you two
Speaker 2: were gabbling and gaffing and laughing away like a couple
Speaker 2: of golden girls. Friends don't make fun of friends when
Speaker 2: they're not around.
Speaker 3: Friends talk to friends about when they're upset, and don't
Speaker 3: write an entire script that takes up an entire episode
Speaker 3: to tell us they were mad. About a cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1: What does gabbling mean? And you had a gaffer gabbling.
Speaker 2: When you're gabbing and also laughing.
Speaker 3: We did not have a gaffer.
Speaker 2: There your tape, you're talking talk and then you're laughing
Speaker 2: at the same time. It's a bad thing to be
Speaker 2: a gabbler.
Speaker 1: Okay, so I listen. I'm sorry about the cheeseburger salad.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I made fun of you. I stand behind
Speaker 1: my view that it's not it's not healthy choice.
Speaker 2: It's lettuce, it's tomato, and yes there's ground beef. Yes
Speaker 2: there's cheese. Yes there is bacon a cruton, which is
Speaker 2: healthier than just having a normal bun. The special sauce
Speaker 2: is just salad dressing. It's the same thing. Is What
Speaker 2: I'm trying to say is that cheeseburger salad is a
Speaker 2: very good idea. And you're sories mean.
Speaker 1: A lot to me.
Speaker 2: Thanks guys.
Speaker 1: You want us to vote on this, No, you know.
Speaker 2: What, Truthfully, this wasn't even a fair submission. This was
Speaker 2: a test of friendship, and you guys passed lesson learned.
Speaker 2: Don't be gabblers. Huh. We just can't tear each other.
Speaker 2: It's not a man this town.
Speaker 1: But if we're going to come clean, that's not a word.
Speaker 1: Not a word you're you're trying to use it like
Speaker 1: it's an actual.
Speaker 3: So is that just a You brought a cheeseburger for
Speaker 3: lunch today with just a lot of extra lettuce, and
Speaker 3: do you think that's a salad?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 3: Okay, don't where are you going?
Speaker 2: Man?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Okay, it's a studio apartment. You can't just keep walking
Speaker 3: over there.
Speaker 1: Fuck it? You know what? This has been fun on
Speaker 1: as always.
Speaker 2: I want to read it again. You guys got to
Speaker 2: learn their lesson again.
Speaker 1: I want to read it. We're not reading it again,
Speaker 1: not reading this. End of podcast, lights camera action, but
Speaker 1: for writing