WEBVTT - Candy Bones 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:11.720 Family Secrets is a production of iHeartRadio. 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:17.279 I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family Secrets, the secrets 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:19.959 that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:27.600 and the secrets we keep from ourselves. My guest today 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:32.879 is Read Harkness, a filmmaker based in Portland, Oregon. Reads 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:35.879 is a story about turning his camera on a family, 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:41.040 his family, specifically his younger half brother Sam, in a 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:46.159 lifelong attempt to understand what happened, what went wrong, and 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:49.120 how to make it right if such a thing as possible. 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:54.520 Read's documentary, twenty five years in the making, Sam Now, 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:58.560 is a powerful illustration of the way that art can 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:03.360 drive us to a deeper truth. Tell me about the 0:01:03.440 --> 0:01:07.039 landscape of your childhood, just whatever the word landscape means 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:07.240 to you. 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:10.880 I grew up on the West Coast. My parents divorced 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:15.959 when I was a toddler, and my dad stayed in 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:19.920 Seattle and my mom went back to her family home 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:23.800 in Palo Alto, California. Most of my life I've lived 0:01:24.560 --> 0:01:28.560 along I five. I currently live in Portland, Oregon, but 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.760 I'd say the West Coast and the Pacific Northwest is 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:36.880 very much home to me. In Seattle. When I was 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:42.000 about five, my dad remarried to Joyce, who came with 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:45.679 my stepbrother Peter. He's about a year older than me. 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.280 Not that long after they were married. They had two sons, 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:53.560 Jared and then Sam, So in the summertimes when I 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:57.440 was in Seattle, I had three brothers. It was a 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:58.279 house full of boys. 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:01.040 And when you were with your mom in Palo Alto, 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:03.440 were there any more kids in that household. 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:07.520 My mom remarried when I was about five, and a 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:11.040 parallel thing happened, except she had two daughters. So I 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:15.480 would go between one house majority women and one house 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:19.480 majority boys. It was a really interesting experience for me. 0:02:20.440 --> 0:02:22.760 So when Jared and Sam were growing up, you would 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:26.920 see them mostly summers. Were there also sort of holidays 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:27.400 in between? 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:31.480 Yeah, I'd be in Seattle every summer and pretty much 0:02:31.520 --> 0:02:35.560 every Christmas vacation. But I did school with my mom 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:39.680 until I was a teenager and junior year. I did 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.480 some part of high school in Seattle, and then right 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:44.919 away after high school I moved up to Seattle. 0:02:45.320 --> 0:02:46.680 When did you first pick up a camera? 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:50.680 M that's a gread question. What's funny is I remember 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:54.920 not having a camera, but setting up scenes with cardboard 0:02:55.040 --> 0:03:01.040 and clay and creating these little sets. After watching those 0:03:01.240 --> 0:03:05.400 Will Vinton claymation specials, I would try to recreate those things, 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:07.040 but I didn't have a camera, and I would just 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:08.919 like move them around, all the clay around, and I'd 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:13.160 like imagine them being animated. My first actual camera was 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.720 a PXL two thousand made by Fisher Price. A friend 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:19.519 borrowed it a week later and broke it. I think 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:24.120 things like that kind of cement the passion. Sometimes. My 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:29.639 grandmother had a VHS camera that she would let all 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:33.280 of us cousins and my brothers use, and that was 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:37.600 really the first like time where I felt like I 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:42.640 can experiment. So grandma had a VHS camera that she 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:47.160 kept in this old like floral suitcase, and I just 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:49.800 remember the feeling of like un zipping that suitcase, getting 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:52.640 the camera out, putting it huge VHS tape in and 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.920 recording something with my cousins and brothers. 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:01.440 And what was it like for you being the filmmaker, 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:04.680 being the director, if you will, Like, what did that 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:07.320 do for you as a kid, you know, and sort 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:10.960 of as a teenager when you began to really record 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:14.480 it seems like just at every opportunity, we know, record 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:19.160 as much of both life and sort of invention as 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:20.000 you possibly could. 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:25.520 Yeah, I grew up being told no a lot, couldn't 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:29.240 keep focus, and therefore, you know, was put into special 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:33.440 ed classes and in a lot of ways maybe taught 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:37.680 down to But I would go home after school and 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:42.680 delve into projects, things like screen printing or airbrushing or 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:48.080 taking apart machinery. I loved the experience of diving in 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:51.719 and film all kinds of things. We shoot things like 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:57.480 squibs and pretend we were getting shot. We would you know, 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.280 create masks a lot of the time, like we like 0:05:00.320 --> 0:05:02.880 we were like casting our faces and you know, we're 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:05.839 doing all these horror special effects. And then we just 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:09.480 do things that were just spontaneous, like boys running around 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:12.520 the neighborhood, raw energy stuff. And I think that that's 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:15.200 the stuff that I started to get really interested in. 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:21.240 And I think cameras and video became an interesting way 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:25.640 for me to explore and I got to a place 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:27.760 where I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna try to 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:30.359 make my own films. I think before it was like 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:36.240 goofing around and playfulness. And I saw my brother Sam, 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:39.600 He's eight years younger than me, just sitting playing Nintendo 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:43.960 on the floor, and I thought, Okay, Sam's really doesn't 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:46.800 have anything planned for the day. I'm going to see 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:51.279 if he'll do this this movie with me. And I 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:56.520 had had this idea after watching Michael Aptead series. This 0:05:56.560 --> 0:05:59.640 is in ninety seven, the Up series. It's like a 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:03.960 series is where they start, you know, seven year olds 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:06.080 and then fourteen year olds, and they go on every 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:10.039 seven years making a movie about the same group. And 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:12.960 I thought it would be interesting if I started filming 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.880 my brother as he's growing up, and I make this 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:19.320 movie called Sam one, and then pretty much every year 0:06:19.320 --> 0:06:22.520 we make Sam two, Sam three, Sam four, Sam five. 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:27.560 But in that the first one, I'm not approaching it 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:31.159 like a documentary. I'm making a short film. It's a 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:35.880 concepted film about you know, Sam's he's sick at school, 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.200 he goes home, he's locked out of the house and 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:46.960 he's like staring in the window in horror as an 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:51.279 animated frog like eats his sack lunch that's on the table. 0:06:52.720 --> 0:06:55.680 It's very much an art film. 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.320 So Sam really became your subject. How old were you 0:06:59.400 --> 0:06:59.960 and how old was he? 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:06.760 Sam was around ten and I would have been seventeen 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:07.320 or eighteen. 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:12.360 Why Sam, it wasn't Jared, it wasn't your step brother, 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:14.880 It wasn't a kid from school. 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:18.440 I mean, for one thing, he was available. He was 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:22.320 accessible to me, Like he was just literally sitting there 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:26.480 on the floor playing video games. I was like, hey, 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:29.760 come with me, and he was like okay. And I 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:33.200 think that his personality is like he's down for an 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:37.120 Adventure's something about me being up there in the summertime, 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.760 you know, was always an exciting thing, I think for 0:07:40.280 --> 0:07:44.160 my younger brothers. And we loved connecting, we loved wrestling, 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:48.240 we loved like being in the outdoors. And Sam was 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:51.600 someone who he was the kid that he would fall 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:53.440 down and he'd get right back up. And it was 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:56.400 something a quality that I didn't have. I would fall 0:07:56.440 --> 0:07:59.040 down and stay down. I would feel it so hard 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:00.000 if something happened. 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:03.600 Do you mean that both physically and metaphorically. 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:08.880 Yeah, I feel things really strongly. And Sam, he would 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:11.360 fall out of like a treehouse, hit the ground with 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:14.360 a thought, and then get right back up. Everybody's thinking, 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:18.880 we need to call an ambulance. He had this confidence 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:24.040 that it was really fun and also strange, and my cousin, 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:26.440 and I called him Candy Bones because he just like 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.920 he seemed like he could never get hurt. He was 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:34.120 just bounced right back up. So I was fascinated by 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:36.960 that because I'm not somebody that does that. I haven't 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.360 broken many bones or anything, but I definitely like have 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:43.760 been really hurt. And I think that if I fall 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:46.120 off that highev, I would There's no way that I 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:48.280 would have liked just got up like Sam did. 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:55.040 Contributing to this household of raw energy, as Reed calls it, 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:58.800 is Joyce and her effervescence. She's a big and joyful 0:08:58.840 --> 0:09:01.760 presence in the boy's life. What they don't know at 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:05.160 the time is that her big presence will soon become 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:07.520 a big absence. 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:12.760 In my youth. Joyce was a really interesting step parent 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:16.079 to me. I remember her being the one that would 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:18.400 be like she would set out like a whole tray 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.080 full of water balloons and it's like, all right, guys, 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:24.360 water balloon fight, and then she'd be like throwing water 0:09:24.360 --> 0:09:27.000 balloons out of the kitchen window outside at us too. 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:30.040 She had this quality that was like the super fun 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:34.520 mom who loved to, you know, get the party started. 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:38.160 She also was very creative and very like arts focused 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:41.240 and like to you know, sort of encourage us to 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:44.240 listen to music, you know, watch interesting content. She introduced 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:47.280 me to Pee Wee's Playhouse. I remember, and I remember 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:48.880 that being like, Okay, this is like kind of a 0:09:48.920 --> 0:09:52.320 weird kids show, but it's really awesome. It was just 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:58.440 really interested in creativity and you know, playfulness, and she 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:03.040 really seemed to like bomb with us around playful energy. 0:10:03.520 --> 0:10:05.520 She really brought a lot of that out. She inspired 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:07.240 a lot of that, like you know, keep going and 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:09.640 like she was really excited when I started making the 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:12.559 Sam movies. You thought it was like the coolest project. 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:18.720 I think that in hindsight, what's strange is that my 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:21.760 youth and my in my childhood home with my dad 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:25.560 and stepmom was normal. It was something normal to me. 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:27.800 Now when I look back and I sort of like 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:32.160 pick apart things, I can see patterns of things to come. 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:36.079 Like I could see, especially in hearing stories from my dad, 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.560 how he was in a lot of pain in that relationship, 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:44.000 and that there would be things that you know, we're 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:47.520 pretty manic where something really surprising would just happened out 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:50.480 of the blue, and you know, Joyce would would have 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:54.160 a really strong reaction and leave the house and as 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:56.760 kids who are really engaged with other kids like I'm 0:10:56.800 --> 0:10:59.679 just I'm connecting more with my brothers than I am 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:03.800 with with my parents. I wasn't really that aware of it. 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.880 Read and Sam continue to make their movies together. To 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.920 watch their movies is to see the sheer joy of 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:19.760 two brothers creating stories together creatively on fire. They both 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:23.480 love it, but their regular filmmaking is disrupted in the 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.720 fall of nineteen ninety nine when Reid moves to Portland 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:30.600 for an animation job. Sam still occasionally comes to visit 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:33.120 and stay with his older brother so that they can 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:38.160 continue making their films. But then a different kind of 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:43.320 disruption happens, a much bigger one. When Sam is thirteen, 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:50.000 his mother reads stepmother, Joyce, disappears. It's the year two 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:54.079 thousand and Reid doesn't have the details, but he knows 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:58.400 something has happened. He hears from family members bits and 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:02.319 pieces of where they think might have gone and if 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:06.520 or when they think she's coming back. When Sam comes 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:08.880 out to Portland to film and spend time with Reid, 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:11.920 they don't talk about the fact that Joyce has vanished, 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:13.800 and nobody has heard from her. 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:18.520 It had become this taboo in our family where nobody 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:21.199 wanted to bring it up with Sam and Jared. They 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:25.440 had a discomfort with the unknown. And then my dad 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:28.080 was in a place where he really didn't want to 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:33.040 pursue contact with her, so he wasn't encouraging conversation around it. 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:37.480 And then the extended family, like my grandmother, my aunt Cindy, 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:41.720 there was like these like ripples of like different people 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.760 in the family are really harboring the emotion and anger 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:48.319 of this and not knowing what to do. Cindy told 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:50.800 me later that she kind of wanted to adopt Sam 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:55.800 and Jared during those years, my aunt and it was 0:12:55.840 --> 0:13:00.839 really heartbreaking because our family is very tight knit, not 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:03.720 just a nuclear family, but like the whole Harkness family, 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:08.560 which is like a really big group of aunts and 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:12.559 uncles and cousins, and we all congregate at my grandmother's 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:17.200 house regularly. Were all It just seemed like the ideal 0:13:17.280 --> 0:13:21.079 support system regarding family, the whole It takes a village, 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:23.880 you know. That was my family. They were like we 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:26.000 were always together, we were always doing things. There was 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:28.680 like open door policy at Grandma's. There was always cookies. 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.640 There was always food in the fridge. The support system 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:36.920 was there, it just was failing to operate around the 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:40.400 taboo of you know, Joyce is gone, what do we do? 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:45.000 And do you think that that was because the larger 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.840 net of the family, they were taking their cues from 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:52.840 your father, and he really didn't want to talk about it, 0:13:52.120 --> 0:13:55.600 so then nobody talked about it. Like the silence became 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:56.720 kind of contagious. 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:59.880 Yeah, I would say the silence became contagious. I think that. 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:03.840 But there's a thing with men and boys not talking 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:07.560 about difficult stuff generally, and I think in the Pacific 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.680 Northwest it's like even more amplified. And then I think 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.360 that you know, this is this is a family that's 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:17.559 made up mostly of educators, even very specifically childhood educators. 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:20.120 My dad is was a first grade teacher for thirty years, 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:25.360 and my grandmother worked like her whole career in early 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:30.880 childhood education, you know, learning about like the most pioneering methods, 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:35.080 and these are really cool aspects that like really do 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.840 help shape like who we are, these kind of free 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:41.160 range kids that are like able to lean into adventuresome 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:45.280 spirit and a lot of creative play. But I think 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:48.680 something that comes with being in a classroom and being 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:52.680 an educator and being that kind of observer to things 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:54.720 that might happen. And I think I'm thinking of my 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.800 dad here, Like I remember helping out in his classroom, 0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:02.120 so like I remember the challenge that he would face 0:15:02.160 --> 0:15:06.400 every day and how you know, just keeping order, keeping things, 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:10.520 keeping things moving, keeping a smile on his face. I'm 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:14.160 sure that this had had an impact. And I'm sure 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:18.280 that there was many things. Many factors in his view 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.160 were things that you just you didn't address, you didn't 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:27.520 talk about, but you knew. So I think that he 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:31.680 may have become conditioned to just keeping things going and 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:37.880 being stable, yet not addressing some of the elephants in 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:38.800 the room directly. 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:44.800 And it seems like both Sam and Jared both had 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:50.400 very different responses to Joyce's disappearing. Jared, he wears it 0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:53.680 all kind of outwardly. He stops going to school. He's 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:58.480 completely signaling you know, I am not okay. He shows it, 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:03.320 whereas Sam bottles it up and nothing seems like it's 0:16:03.360 --> 0:16:05.920 really affecting him. And he has this great laugh and 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:08.840 he just is always laughing it off in a way 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.400 and performing and so they have these two really different 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:15.120 ways of coping during those years. 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:19.040 Yeah, and this is the high dive. You know, Sam 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:22.440 fell off the high dive in real life, as you know, 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:27.200 an eight year old and landed on the on the 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:31.120 cement and walked away. And he did the same thing 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:35.480 emotionally when Joyce left, he sprung back. I think that 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:39.200 also there's a factor here where, you know, seeing Jared 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:42.880 being so depressed, just crumpled in a ball on the floor, 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:47.120 not going to school at all. I think he was 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:50.680 like he cut class for like sixty days or something ridiculous. 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:52.840 He was like figuring out some way, Well, my dad 0:16:52.880 --> 0:16:54.840 was at work to you know, make it seem like 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:57.920 he was at school. And I think Sam saw that 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:01.520 and wanted to take the high road. What I saw 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:04.840 was like he started associating with like, you know, the 0:17:05.720 --> 0:17:08.440 honorall kids, even though he wasn't Jared was the academic. 0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:13.639 Sam was definitely not the a student, and he started 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:16.399 getting into school sports too. He was into wrestling and 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.280 then he found the sport of ultimate frisbee, which ultimately 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.959 became like his his big life passion and getting in 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:26.520 with those groups, you know, those social groups where there's 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:30.160 a lot of like camaraderie and like encouragement. I think 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:32.440 that he was able to sort of ride this wave 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:35.840 of like we can power through. I can like be 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:38.480 physically strong, I can be mentally stronger than this. 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:57.920 We'll be back in a moment with more family secrets. 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:03.120 Nearly three years past was no word from Joyce. Sometimes 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:08.120 she sends packages though boxes full of random stuff. There's 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:11.919 never a note or a letter. It all feels so 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.600 impersonal that the boys speculate that the packages might not 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:18.920 even be from her. The boxes have her name on them, 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:23.560 but no return address, a clear indication that she does 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:28.480 not want to be found. One year, during Christmas, one 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:33.359 such box arrives. This time it contains homemade fudge. 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:41.160 The setting is It's Christmas, I'm visiting my family in Seattle. 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:46.679 And the year before Sam and Jared and I on 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:50.200 Christmas Day went up to the mountains and went sledding 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:55.000 and had like one of my favorite days ever. The 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:57.639 ski slopes were closed, and so we just like hyped 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:01.000 up the ski slopes and were just like sledding down 0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:04.280 for what felt like miles. We had such a good 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:07.560 time that we wanted to recreate that the next year 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:11.000 and we had talked about this. Sam was so excited. 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:18.320 Jared was immovable. He was just like on the floor. 0:19:19.280 --> 0:19:23.080 He's just like no, no, no, no, like just would 0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:25.320 not come with us. And we imagine both of these 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:29.119 like really excited brothers just trying to like drag him, 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:32.440 pull him, encourage him, you know remember last year all that, 0:19:32.720 --> 0:19:37.080 and he's not able to won't. So it's just me 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:40.360 and Sam. Sam offered me some fudge and I said 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:44.200 who made the fudge? And he's like Mom. And I 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:46.600 was like, who's mom? And he's like mom, And I 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:50.639 was like really, I was in such disbelief that that 0:19:50.680 --> 0:19:54.159 could be possible. So that's the same day that we 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:57.040 go up sledding and it's just me and Sam and 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.639 we're on this mountain. We're hiking up this old logging 0:19:59.720 --> 0:20:03.520 road and you know, it's snowing, and we've got these 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:06.680 two sleds and we as we're hiking where we're imagining it, 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:09.080 we're just gonna have the longest sled run ever. We're 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:11.639 gonna like hike up as long as we can and 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:13.639 then just sled all the way down the mountain, so 0:20:13.640 --> 0:20:17.399 it would be like a couple miles maybe, and we 0:20:17.520 --> 0:20:20.199 get to the point where it's like the sun setting, 0:20:20.240 --> 0:20:22.000 and we're like, okay, now we need to turn around, 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:26.520 and we set our sleds down and we're like, let's race, 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:30.160 and we're like one, two, three, go, and we realized 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:34.360 that it's not steep enough to actually sled, So then 0:20:35.359 --> 0:20:41.439 we're walking back with a totally different energy. Instead of 0:20:41.480 --> 0:20:43.360 this idea that we're gonna hike all the way up 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:46.720 to have a fun ride down, we're now just walking down. 0:20:48.600 --> 0:20:52.360 And on this walk we start talking about the next 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:55.479 film we're gonna make. It would be Sam six, and 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:59.640 Sam has these ideas. He's got these ideas about this 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:03.520 Apple Ganger alter identity of his called the Blue Panther, 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:08.840 who's just this goofy mock superhero who wears a wrestling 0:21:08.920 --> 0:21:13.320 mask and a too small wet suit. And he's telling 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:16.720 me about how the Blue Panther is going to battle 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:21.760 twin robots and his girlfriend at the time is a 0:21:21.800 --> 0:21:24.280 twin and so she's going to play this twin character, 0:21:24.920 --> 0:21:28.000 and then the twins are going to divide into more twins, 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:31.119 so there'll be like four twins fighting the Blue Panther. 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:35.520 And I'm thinking about this this conflict I'm thinking about 0:21:35.520 --> 0:21:39.240 this like idea of Sam and his alter ego and 0:21:39.600 --> 0:21:41.960 how he really wants to take on this, like I'm 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:44.919 going to take on like four people, you know, And 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:47.200 I'm just thinking about like how we've done a lot 0:21:47.200 --> 0:21:50.080 of really childish filmmaking. I love it. I love all 0:21:50.080 --> 0:21:53.760 the youthful filmmaking that we do. But I'm at a point, 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:55.560 you know, where I'm kind of like, I want to 0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:58.360 do something serious. And so I just turned to him 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:02.800 and I say, Sam, how about the blue panther his mom? 0:22:01.520 --> 0:22:08.920 And then he stopped talking and it was quiet and 0:22:09.080 --> 0:22:11.840 it's just footsteps in the snow, and then he comes 0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:16.240 back with yeah, And I was like really, and he's 0:22:16.280 --> 0:22:19.320 like yeah. We drive home and we talk about it 0:22:19.320 --> 0:22:20.879 a little more. I kind of put it away a 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:24.000 little bit. It really felt like that was sort of 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:27.080 the big taboo. It really felt like that might have 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:31.119 really hurt Sam for me to say that, But he 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:36.960 presented something different or unexpected, which was that he kind 0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:39.160 of wanted he wanted to engage with me around it, 0:22:39.920 --> 0:22:44.159 and so we continue to have conversations about what that 0:22:44.200 --> 0:22:47.159 would be like, and he wanted to go at his 0:22:47.400 --> 0:22:50.280 midwinter break, which was in February, so it's like two 0:22:50.320 --> 0:22:53.000 months away. He wanted to go and go in a 0:22:53.040 --> 0:22:55.199 road trip and try to try to find her, and 0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:59.720 I'm thinking that sounds really crazy, but I'm also thinking, hey, 0:23:00.040 --> 0:23:01.520 wants to go on a road trip with me, and 0:23:01.520 --> 0:23:04.040 this is kind of like also our dream, and this 0:23:04.119 --> 0:23:07.639 is also something that we a place where we thrive 0:23:08.280 --> 0:23:13.040 and even if nothing happens, you know, it might be 0:23:13.080 --> 0:23:16.280 a really good experience. I'm somebody who's like, you know, 0:23:16.359 --> 0:23:19.320 read a lot of like Joseph Campbell and been really 0:23:19.359 --> 0:23:23.200 interested in things like Rites of Passage, and I'm thinking 0:23:24.000 --> 0:23:26.600 about our relationship and I'm thinking about, you know how 0:23:26.640 --> 0:23:30.159 I always wanted a big brother, and I'm thinking, hey, 0:23:30.240 --> 0:23:34.520 this could be really cool. It's like I become a detective. 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:38.199 I kind of put down my filmmaker hat, like I 0:23:38.280 --> 0:23:39.879 was like, Okay, this is not really going to be 0:23:39.880 --> 0:23:42.120 the blue Panther finds his mom. I have to get 0:23:42.119 --> 0:23:45.640 some pieces together. I have to actually figure out where 0:23:45.640 --> 0:23:49.720 we're going on this road trip. And that turns out 0:23:49.720 --> 0:23:52.359 to be a big challenge. I talk to like everybody 0:23:52.480 --> 0:23:56.480 I can find that new joice, and everybody's got different ideas. 0:23:56.600 --> 0:23:59.240 It's like, oh, maybe she's in Texas, maybe she's in California, 0:23:59.600 --> 0:24:04.480 she's a seminar somewhere. So there's like no concrete evidence, 0:24:04.520 --> 0:24:06.800 and like the person who seems to have like the 0:24:06.800 --> 0:24:10.919 most intel is my stepbrother Peter. Seems like he had 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:14.600 done some research and he had found this like professor 0:24:14.920 --> 0:24:18.280 done in southern California who might have been in contact 0:24:18.320 --> 0:24:20.760 with her. But then he's like reluctant to give me 0:24:21.160 --> 0:24:24.359 his name, and I like, you know, I'm doing all 0:24:24.400 --> 0:24:27.639 these searches, and then finally we get this name of 0:24:27.680 --> 0:24:31.720 this professor and a really basic plan, because we don't 0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:34.440 have any other leads to where anyone else that knows 0:24:34.440 --> 0:24:37.000 her is. We're gonna drive down I five to southern 0:24:37.040 --> 0:24:39.720 California and we're gonna meet this professor on his office 0:24:39.720 --> 0:24:42.719 hours which are posted online, and just like approach him 0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:44.480 in person. This is like I didn't even have a 0:24:44.520 --> 0:24:47.840 cell phone. I'm just gonna walk in there and hopefully 0:24:47.880 --> 0:24:50.440 he'll just like see us and be like I can't 0:24:50.440 --> 0:24:56.480