WEBVTT - Reneé Rapp ON: How to Break the Patterns of Negative Self Talk & Ways to Stop Using External Judgement to Measure Your Achievement

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<v Speaker 1>I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to find out what happened. I want revenge, peace,

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<v Speaker 1>calling everything to everyone. It's real rapping a bit. I

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<v Speaker 1>was shamed for so many years for being so hyper

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<v Speaker 1>emotional and crying so much and like getting angry so fast.

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<v Speaker 1>I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then

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<v Speaker 1>be like clapped in the face. I don't want that.

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<v Speaker 1>I value like being very true to how you feel,

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<v Speaker 1>whether that's a good feeling or not.

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<v Speaker 2>That's powerful. Before we jump into this episode, I'd like

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<v Speaker 2>to invite you to join this community to hear more

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<v Speaker 2>interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed.

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<v Speaker 2>All I want you to do is click on the

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<v Speaker 2>so much for subscribing. It means the world to me.

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<v Speaker 2>The best selling authoring the post the number one healthy

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<v Speaker 2>well inness podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Welcome back

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<v Speaker 2>to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks to each and every single one of you that

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<v Speaker 2>keep coming back every week to listen, learn, and grow.

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<v Speaker 2>Now you know that the conversations we want to have

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<v Speaker 2>on this platform are conversations with the heart and soul,

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<v Speaker 2>conversations of the mind, conversations that help us become better,

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<v Speaker 2>live better, evolve, understand our authentic selves and share that

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<v Speaker 2>journey with our friends. And today's guest is someone who

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<v Speaker 2>I believe has been on a roller coaster of a

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<v Speaker 2>journey and trying to navigate that and manage that with

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<v Speaker 2>grace and with contentment in a way that I'm excited

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<v Speaker 2>to explore today and get curious about. Today's guest is

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<v Speaker 2>Renee Rap and she knew she was born to perform

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<v Speaker 2>ever since she was a kid. Renee's career took off

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<v Speaker 2>when she landed the coveted role of Regina George in

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<v Speaker 2>the Tony nominated Mean Girls Musical on Broadway. Shortly after,

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<v Speaker 2>Renee found widespread recognition and praise from the likes of

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<v Speaker 2>Harper's Bizarre and The Hollywood Reporter for her performance as

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<v Speaker 2>Lie on the HBO Max series The Sex Lives of

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<v Speaker 2>College Girls, Big Fan over Here. Renee then turned her

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<v Speaker 2>attention back to music, sharing her threadbare insecurities on her

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<v Speaker 2>debut single Tattoos, and the multi hyphene entire debut headline

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<v Speaker 2>tour sold out in a matter of minutes. Her inspiring

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<v Speaker 2>single too Well has impacted the top forty and Renee's

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<v Speaker 2>discography has amassed over two one hundred million streams and counting.

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<v Speaker 2>And today we're talking about her new work, which I

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<v Speaker 2>can't wait to dive into. Renee, Welcome to the show.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks thanks for having me.

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<v Speaker 2>Honestly, I feel like you've been through so much change,

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<v Speaker 2>so many, you know, career paths, And then I was like, yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>you're so young as well, and I was like, Wow,

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<v Speaker 2>it's so much that you've been through. And I guess

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<v Speaker 2>my first question is how do you feel about where

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<v Speaker 2>you've landed now?

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<v Speaker 1>Like?

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<v Speaker 2>Who is the Renee today? What version of this is you?

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<v Speaker 2>How are you feeling?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, my manager and I were just talking about this

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<v Speaker 1>in the car. Every couple months, I get into this

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<v Speaker 1>new wave of like where like something really settles in

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<v Speaker 1>where I'm like a new level or I feel like

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<v Speaker 1>personally I'm at a new level, or I'm at like

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<v Speaker 1>a different level of visibility. Typically in the past, it's

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<v Speaker 1>felt really good right now, to be honest, it feels

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<v Speaker 1>very scary in like a lot of ways, just like

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<v Speaker 1>in a I'm really aware of myself all of a sudden,

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<v Speaker 1>So I love the changes. I feel very grateful right

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<v Speaker 1>now for everything I've done, and hopefully knock on wood

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<v Speaker 1>or whatever, continue to do. But the new, the new,

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<v Speaker 1>the newness and the new levels when they come it,

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<v Speaker 1>they didn't knocks me. It knocks me.

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<v Speaker 2>What's scary.

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<v Speaker 1>I am becoming much more aware of how people perceive

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<v Speaker 1>me and whether that's good or bad or in between.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel some kind of way about it, and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>trying to like let that go really bad. I'm trying

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<v Speaker 1>really really hard. It's not been working. Like we had

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<v Speaker 1>like a bunch of like stuff come out this morning

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<v Speaker 1>about like the album, and granted this is all fairly

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<v Speaker 1>good news, but I like immediately just started having such

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<v Speaker 1>an anxiety attack because I was like, oh, I just

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<v Speaker 1>don't want anybody to ever speak about me again, which

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<v Speaker 1>is exactly why I'm here today and exactly why I

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<v Speaker 1>keep doing this. Yeah, it's a weird thing. I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. It's interesting. It's never really sat with

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<v Speaker 1>me before in that way. Like this really hit me

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<v Speaker 1>about a week ago where I was like, oh, I've

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<v Speaker 1>actually chosen to have a very visible life. Just really

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<v Speaker 1>hit me, to be honest.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, okay, yeah, in my own small way, I can

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<v Speaker 2>relate to that as well.

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<v Speaker 1>It's the same thing. Though.

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<v Speaker 2>What's really interesting is I think from the outside in, yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>a level up looks quite at least from the way

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<v Speaker 2>I perceive it my sperience. Sure, I think from the

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<v Speaker 2>outside in most people's careers, level up look very orchestrated

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<v Speaker 2>and manufactured, when in reality they're a lot more organic. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>and they're a lot more natural.

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<v Speaker 1>I think so. I think so, especially like especially of course,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm such like an internet rat, Like I really have

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<v Speaker 1>to get better about like not reading everything. I'm so

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<v Speaker 1>bad at that. I like commend people who are good

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<v Speaker 1>at being like, I'm gonna turn my phone off and

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<v Speaker 1>not take this to heart. I cannot do that. I

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<v Speaker 1>care so much and I gotta let that go. But

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<v Speaker 1>I I definitely feel that way because I read things

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes again, and I shouldn't be reading, but that are

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<v Speaker 1>so interesting to me. Like somebody somebody the other day

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<v Speaker 1>called me an industry plant, and I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I wish I was an industry plant. I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>that would be amazing. I was like, that'd be iconic.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, if like my father was like some

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<v Speaker 1>like industry mogul, that would be lovely. He went into

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<v Speaker 1>like medical sales, like he didn't help me out like that,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. So yeah, it's always it's always interesting thing,

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<v Speaker 1>and I find it really silly and funny.

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<v Speaker 2>But yeah, yeah, and then it must be hard. I mean, obviously,

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<v Speaker 2>I think everyone's seen it, the video where you sadly

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<v Speaker 2>have a stalker coming up to you and Drew on

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<v Speaker 2>set on stage. Yeah, and then it's almost like looks

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<v Speaker 2>like you've been notified and you kind of see it coming,

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<v Speaker 2>and then you're protecting Drew. Like I mean, like, when

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<v Speaker 2>you have moments like that happen, does that almost make

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<v Speaker 2>you feel more vulnerable and susceptible?

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<v Speaker 1>Or I feel like, even to say it out loud,

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<v Speaker 1>it sounds so silly and so like woe is me?

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<v Speaker 1>But I really was so weirded out by that whole thing.

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<v Speaker 1>And I that's not to say that like it shouldn't be.

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<v Speaker 1>I just like, I don't know, she's such a ge

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<v Speaker 1>and she's such a pro and sadly has probably had

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<v Speaker 1>that happen her entire life. I've never been in situations

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<v Speaker 1>where that has happened to myself, luckily, or anybody around me.

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<v Speaker 1>That was so scary because I understand I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>like you never he had like a bag on him,

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<v Speaker 1>and I was like, Okay, I just don't know where

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<v Speaker 1>this could go. Also, I'm I live in fight or

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<v Speaker 1>flight just by the nature of having so much anxiety.

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<v Speaker 1>So like when you see me like twitch in that

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<v Speaker 1>video and like go, it's like half of like a

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like a pretty like transparent person. Like if somebody

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<v Speaker 1>like scares me, you're gonna know. And also be like

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<v Speaker 1>that was so jarring for me. But yeah, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>I've just never been through anything like that before. To me,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I know it sounds very well as me

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<v Speaker 1>and silly, but it did scare the hell at me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. No, it was very weird, fully understandable. I'm glad

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<v Speaker 2>that you know it didn't go any further than it did.

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<v Speaker 2>Same and yeah, it's always worrying. Again. I think it's

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<v Speaker 2>the unpredictability of it. I was reading a study that

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<v Speaker 2>was saying that humans would rather know one hundred percent

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<v Speaker 2>that a bad thing's going to happen as opposed to

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<v Speaker 2>have a fifty to fifty chance of it happening or

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<v Speaker 2>not happening.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, yeah, probably.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, Like we would rather know that something bad's gonna

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<v Speaker 2>happen rather than live in this world of like it

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<v Speaker 2>could or it couldn't. Yeah, like that uncertainty. You've been

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<v Speaker 2>doing this for a long time. What parts of your

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<v Speaker 2>anxiety have you got better at dealing with? And what

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<v Speaker 2>bonds of anxiety are like still just flaring on?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, it's funny because I think that I I get

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<v Speaker 1>what you're saying, because one hundred percent of my decision

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<v Speaker 1>making happens before I do something like this morning, right,

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<v Speaker 1>like when like chart data or things are coming out

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<v Speaker 1>about like the album, before anything was even posted, published

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<v Speaker 1>out there or whatever, I had already made the assumption

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<v Speaker 1>and was already like, Okay, people are going to be

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<v Speaker 1>upset about this. This is going to be not real,

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<v Speaker 1>and I've already decided that it's bad before it happens,

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<v Speaker 1>so that I've I can prepare myself to at least

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<v Speaker 1>not be so disappointed. So I definitely do that.

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<v Speaker 2>Does that help?

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<v Speaker 1>I actually don't know. I don't know because for everyone

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<v Speaker 1>around me like all they say is like we really

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<v Speaker 1>want you to enjoy things, and like we want you

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<v Speaker 1>to be having fun and we want you to be

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<v Speaker 1>able to celebrate yourself. I just am so afraid to

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<v Speaker 1>celebrate myself and then be like slapped in the face.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want that. I would I don't know, and

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if it's not great to say. I

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<v Speaker 1>would rather live in a state of like just like

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<v Speaker 1>chilling and like hope that nothing horrific happens, but be

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<v Speaker 1>prepared if it does. I don't know what's better or worse.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I don't think there is. I just wanted to know, right, No.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>I would love to endoy things a little bit more.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not really there right now. I still, I think

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<v Speaker 1>have like the same anxieties as what I started. It's

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<v Speaker 1>just more that I'm much more aware of how I'm

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<v Speaker 1>perceived now.

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<v Speaker 2>And you feel before you just weren't aware, and so yeah, I.

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<v Speaker 1>Just kind of was like, oh, this is me, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>so out here and don't care and whatever. I also

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<v Speaker 1>was just so hungry to do this and to be

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<v Speaker 1>doing music that it was just like run for it.

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<v Speaker 1>And now I kind of feel like that I'm embarking

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<v Speaker 1>on whatever music looks like in my life. I'm much

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<v Speaker 1>more nervous about it, maybe just because I'm in it

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<v Speaker 1>and experiencing it. But it's definitely we it's definitely weird.

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<v Speaker 2>Do you have to do you have to turn down

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<v Speaker 2>the outside noise when you're creating and when you're making

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<v Speaker 2>And are you able to do that or is it

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<v Speaker 2>just so hot?

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<v Speaker 1>And it's not something that I really think of when

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<v Speaker 1>I'm creating. It's something I think of when I'm acting.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm more so thinking about like for me, like do

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like I'm doing the best I possibly can.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so hypercritical of myself when I'm writing that I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not even worried about another person because I don't even

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<v Speaker 1>have the space in my brain to think about someone

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<v Speaker 1>else's opinion, if that makes sense, which I guess is nice.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it sounds great, it sounds good to me.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a little nicer. Yeah, it's bad when I write

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<v Speaker 1>like a really bad song though, because when I write

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<v Speaker 1>a bad song, like my like worst critic is myself,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's like.

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<v Speaker 2>What's what's the thought you think you repeat the most.

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<v Speaker 1>At those times, I will never write another good song again.

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<v Speaker 1>It goes to that extreme, Oh my god in two seconds,

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<v Speaker 1>and that everybody around me is lying to me, and

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<v Speaker 1>that everybody who is kind enough to work with me

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<v Speaker 1>and put their time and energy toward things that I

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<v Speaker 1>really want for my career, And how sweet that is

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<v Speaker 1>that they're all making ginormous mistakes and this is all

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<v Speaker 1>a leap of faith that they've taken that they're going

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<v Speaker 1>to regret. Immediately jump into that totally, And.

0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:20.040
<v Speaker 2>Then how long would you sit in that?

0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:23.559
<v Speaker 1>For a long time? A long time Like this morning

0:11:23.600 --> 0:11:26.000
<v Speaker 1>again good things were happening, and I was just like

0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:28.040
<v Speaker 1>in my head, I'm just like, they're all lying to me.

0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:29.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, there's no way, mind you, these are people

0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:31.800
<v Speaker 1>who I trust and love and who are giving up

0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.920
<v Speaker 1>time out of their lives to work toward a goal

0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.280
<v Speaker 1>that I really want so deeply, Like these are lovely people.

0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:39.839
<v Speaker 1>It has nothing to do with them and everything to

0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:42.120
<v Speaker 1>do with me. But yeah, I'd sit in that all

0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:42.600
<v Speaker 1>the time.

0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:44.160
<v Speaker 2>And then what gets you out of it?

0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:50.000
<v Speaker 1>I just keep going like resilience and also just I

0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:53.079
<v Speaker 1>want it so bad, and I also I want to

0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:55.800
<v Speaker 1>succeed for myself. But I also really want to like

0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.440
<v Speaker 1>prove to everybody who is working with me or who

0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.200
<v Speaker 1>believes in me, or even like consume is my music

0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:05.920
<v Speaker 1>from two seconds of a song to like listen to

0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:08.560
<v Speaker 1>everything I put out, Like I want to do well

0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:11.760
<v Speaker 1>for those people. So I don't know, maybe like drive

0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:16.560
<v Speaker 1>things like that. Yeah, fear of failure really motivates me.

0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:18.199
<v Speaker 1>I love her.

0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:22.040
<v Speaker 2>Do All of these characters in your head have names

0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:24.080
<v Speaker 2>and voices and hes and his and their.

0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:27.800
<v Speaker 1>My God, they're all They're all. They're all me. They're

0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:31.080
<v Speaker 1>just all different versions of me. Like the like fear

0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:35.320
<v Speaker 1>of failure is like me as like a kid, I

0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:38.760
<v Speaker 1>think because I like, I used to set like such

0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:41.920
<v Speaker 1>obnoxious goals for myself as a child, like and it

0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.000
<v Speaker 1>would keep changing. I would be like, if I'm not

0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:48.000
<v Speaker 1>Beyonce by the time I'm eighteen, I have failed. Wow,

0:12:48.200 --> 0:12:50.400
<v Speaker 1>insane And it used to be things like that I

0:12:50.440 --> 0:12:52.320
<v Speaker 1>used to be and when I was really really little,

0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:54.160
<v Speaker 1>I'd be like, if I am not on Disney Channel

0:12:54.160 --> 0:12:56.760
<v Speaker 1>by the time that I am thirteen, I might as

0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:00.000
<v Speaker 1>well just end it all. Like they were just such chicks,

0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:03.640
<v Speaker 1>extreme things. So there are just all different versions of

0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:08.440
<v Speaker 1>myself that just kind of coexists or lack thereof. They

0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:09.120
<v Speaker 1>don't have that.

0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:13.640
<v Speaker 2>And do you find yourself still repeating those audacious goals

0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:15.080
<v Speaker 2>even now or oh.

0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:18.480
<v Speaker 1>My god, every day, yeah, every day, and they're they're

0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.480
<v Speaker 1>let's be clear, there are things that I'm not necessarily

0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:22.160
<v Speaker 1>proud of, Like no.

0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:26.200
<v Speaker 3>I get that, Yeah, yeah, okay, fabulous, because sometimes I

0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:27.880
<v Speaker 3>like say something and I'll be like no, no, no,

0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:29.000
<v Speaker 3>that's not how I like feel.

0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:32.120
<v Speaker 1>That is what I think now, like this morning, like

0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:35.000
<v Speaker 1>these are great things that are happening, okay, and like

0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:38.840
<v Speaker 1>we had like a top ten like debut album and

0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:43.240
<v Speaker 1>everybody's like this is amazing, and in my brain, I

0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:45.720
<v Speaker 1>was like I could have done better. Like all I

0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:47.200
<v Speaker 1>could think of in my head was like I could

0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:49.880
<v Speaker 1>have done better. And I cried and I like beat

0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:52.240
<v Speaker 1>myself up, and then I like kind of came to

0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:54.600
<v Speaker 1>and was like, oh no, this is actually like very exciting,

0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:57.520
<v Speaker 1>and then I would like go back down again. You

0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:02.800
<v Speaker 1>know the movie Talladaya Nights. Yeah, of course, if you

0:14:02.840 --> 0:14:05.360
<v Speaker 1>ain't first your last, Like that's all I think of

0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:07.720
<v Speaker 1>in my brain, which is so silly and so stupid,

0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:10.040
<v Speaker 1>and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I

0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:11.880
<v Speaker 1>really do, I really do.

0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:14.160
<v Speaker 2>No hearing you explain it and I want to clarify

0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:17.400
<v Speaker 2>what I was reaffirming with you. Was Hearing you explain

0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:20.000
<v Speaker 2>it is a really good breakdown of how I think

0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:24.400
<v Speaker 2>so many of us think totally so hearing you articulated

0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:26.680
<v Speaker 2>with so much clarity. Yeah, I'm listening going. I know

0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.000
<v Speaker 2>there are times and I think exactly the same way

0:14:29.040 --> 0:14:31.360
<v Speaker 2>as that, and I know everyone who's listening again in

0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:34.680
<v Speaker 2>their own way are thinking the same thing. And we

0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:39.080
<v Speaker 2>all know how deabilitating that is. Because now number two

0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:41.840
<v Speaker 2>is the same as ninety nine, Yes, and it makes

0:14:41.840 --> 0:14:43.760
<v Speaker 2>no difference. And by the way, ninety nine is great,

0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:46.280
<v Speaker 2>but ninety nine is not, you know we're looking at.

0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:49.000
<v Speaker 2>So it just keeps going, and it's it's a perpetual cycle,

0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:52.320
<v Speaker 2>which can be so paralyzing insane.

0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:54.760
<v Speaker 1>I also would never hold someone else to the standard

0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:57.160
<v Speaker 1>that I hold myself, and I'm very aware of that.

0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:00.160
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't change how I feel, sadly, but I I

0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:03.600
<v Speaker 1>never in my life would say to somebody if they're like,

0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:07.240
<v Speaker 1>my debut album debuted it fivey six hundred whatever, I'd

0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:10.640
<v Speaker 1>be like, that is amazing, what an incredible amount of work, blood,

0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:13.080
<v Speaker 1>sweat and tears you and so many other people around

0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.160
<v Speaker 1>you have put into this, and this is an accomplishment

0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:18.520
<v Speaker 1>that you should celebrate for years and years on end

0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:22.360
<v Speaker 1>and believe every single word of that. For myself, I'm like,

0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:25.080
<v Speaker 1>could have done better, I should have done more. I'm

0:15:25.120 --> 0:15:27.560
<v Speaker 1>just immediately like what should I have done better? Which

0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:30.680
<v Speaker 1>is silly. Yeah, but it is kind of like a

0:15:30.760 --> 0:15:31.720
<v Speaker 1>human thing, I guess.

0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:34.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I think it's that almost. It's interesting, isn't.

0:15:34.880 --> 0:15:36.960
<v Speaker 2>It's like that's the same mindset that will make you

0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:39.720
<v Speaker 2>improve and get better, but it's the same mindset that

0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.720
<v Speaker 2>can slow you down. And yeah, brain you it is.

0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:44.680
<v Speaker 1>It is also the life set that I have been

0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:49.000
<v Speaker 1>like praised for by like adult figures in my life

0:15:49.000 --> 0:15:50.200
<v Speaker 1>since I was very young.

0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:51.240
<v Speaker 2>That's where it comes from.

0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:56.040
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, absolutely absolutely, Like I don't blame anyone

0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:58.360
<v Speaker 1>or think this is like a negative thing that somebody,

0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:00.840
<v Speaker 1>you know, put in my brain, but I do always

0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:02.520
<v Speaker 1>think of it like I used to like finish like

0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:08.000
<v Speaker 1>basketball games or like any sort of competitive thing that

0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:09.880
<v Speaker 1>I would do, whether it was like sports or like

0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.400
<v Speaker 1>some like showcase for like singing, and like my first

0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.120
<v Speaker 1>like comment from like my parents, who I love and

0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:19.160
<v Speaker 1>who are so supportive. But my first comment from my

0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:21.200
<v Speaker 1>parents would be like, Okay, what could you have done better?

0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.920
<v Speaker 1>Even if I would have like crushed and so like

0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.840
<v Speaker 1>that is honestly my thought every single time, which in

0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:30.400
<v Speaker 1>a way is really great because I'm always like trying

0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:32.960
<v Speaker 1>to make myself better and also they hold myself accountable

0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:36.680
<v Speaker 1>for places that I slipped up, could have done more,

0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:41.000
<v Speaker 1>didn't do enough. Yeah, But then also it becomes this

0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.680
<v Speaker 1>thing where you just like beat yourself up for every little,

0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:47.000
<v Speaker 1>like tiny place you could have had a little celebratory

0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:51.720
<v Speaker 1>moment and congratulations internally that you then don't have. Yeah,

0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:52.520
<v Speaker 1>very weird.

0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:56.480
<v Speaker 2>It's almost like taking that question if all of us

0:16:56.760 --> 0:16:59.080
<v Speaker 2>were first asked, what did you do great?

0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:00.280
<v Speaker 1>Well?

0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:01.200
<v Speaker 2>Could you have done that up?

0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:02.000
<v Speaker 1>I got to be great?

0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:04.520
<v Speaker 2>Like it just positions it so differently. If someone said

0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:05.719
<v Speaker 2>to you, what did you do great? And you, as

0:17:05.720 --> 0:17:07.640
<v Speaker 2>a kid were like, I think I did this right,

0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:09.160
<v Speaker 2>and I think I got this right, and I think

0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:11.199
<v Speaker 2>I did this right. Now you celebrate. You've got a

0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:13.719
<v Speaker 2>moment what you were just saying earlier, You've had a

0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:18.720
<v Speaker 2>moment to celebrate and know yourself and know that you've

0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:22.160
<v Speaker 2>won and that you're powerful and great, and then it's like, okay,

0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:23.680
<v Speaker 2>well what could you have done better? And now it's

0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:24.400
<v Speaker 2>like okay, now I.

0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:27.000
<v Speaker 1>Have absolutely have a balance exactly.

0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:28.320
<v Speaker 2>Whereas if you don't have the what you did great,

0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:32.840
<v Speaker 2>you only have the critical judgmental questioning.

0:17:33.200 --> 0:17:35.479
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god. When I first started doing therapy, I

0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:38.600
<v Speaker 1>was twenty, so this is like maybe three years ago

0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:41.080
<v Speaker 1>now three and a half years ago. And I will

0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:44.119
<v Speaker 1>never forget like they would. Therapists would like ask me.

0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:46.399
<v Speaker 1>They'd be like, Okay, what is something you like about yourself?

0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.120
<v Speaker 1>Or what is something you're proud of that you do?

0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:53.719
<v Speaker 1>And I could not, for years, like answer that question

0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:57.520
<v Speaker 1>at all. I would just start sobbing every single time.

0:17:57.720 --> 0:18:00.240
<v Speaker 1>Every single time. I was just like I cannot top

0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.040
<v Speaker 1>on my myself in any sort of the way, which sucks.

0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:09.359
<v Speaker 1>So how about now I can? I can I do

0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.680
<v Speaker 1>a better job of it now? I love the people

0:18:12.680 --> 0:18:16.320
<v Speaker 1>in my life really really hard, very glad. Yeah that's beautiful.

0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:22.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah you found it. Yes, No, and you've attracted.

0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.240
<v Speaker 1>Them yeah yeah, theyed you.

0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:27.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. It's a two way thing. It's like run around

0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:28.800
<v Speaker 2>you because they love you and believe in you and

0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:32.199
<v Speaker 2>you're around them because you love them and believe in them.

0:18:32.240 --> 0:18:36.320
<v Speaker 2>That's that's special. And you know, I'm gonna definitely miss

0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:40.320
<v Speaker 2>you on Sex Lives of College Girls like your characters

0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.040
<v Speaker 2>awesome for me and my wife watched the show all

0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:46.040
<v Speaker 2>the time and absolutely loved it. What you were just

0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:48.560
<v Speaker 2>talking about earlier, like acting was actually a space that

0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:51.840
<v Speaker 2>made you feel a lot more like anxious and everything?

0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.119
<v Speaker 2>Was that the reason to switch over or what was

0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:55.560
<v Speaker 2>it for you that made you go, you know what,

0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:56.800
<v Speaker 2>I need to step away?

0:18:57.400 --> 0:19:01.160
<v Speaker 1>No, I mean to be honest, like I inevitably like

0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:04.959
<v Speaker 1>one day, I'm like very excited to talk about it.

0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:06.960
<v Speaker 1>I can't say a ton about it being with the

0:19:07.000 --> 0:19:10.760
<v Speaker 1>sack strike. That being said, acting to me was always

0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.600
<v Speaker 1>just so scary. It was just so scary. It was

0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:16.800
<v Speaker 1>just something I had no confidence in and thought I

0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:21.000
<v Speaker 1>was just so so so terrible at. It was something

0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:24.320
<v Speaker 1>that came later on in my life, at least to

0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:25.960
<v Speaker 1>this point, later on in my life, I was like

0:19:26.080 --> 0:19:29.400
<v Speaker 1>eighteen nineteen that I just didn't think I could do

0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:35.160
<v Speaker 1>and it became like a really amazing opportunity to get

0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:38.359
<v Speaker 1>people's attention, to pay attention to me to do music,

0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:41.840
<v Speaker 1>which I didn't feel like I was getting when I

0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:44.199
<v Speaker 1>was younger, or at least it was harder for me too.

0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.239
<v Speaker 1>But I just really really wanted attention musically, and I

0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.760
<v Speaker 1>wanted to like get signed and do like the whole thing.

0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:56.159
<v Speaker 1>And when acting became a conduit for that, I just

0:19:56.280 --> 0:19:58.399
<v Speaker 1>was like, well, Okay, I guess I got to do this.

0:19:58.720 --> 0:19:59.960
<v Speaker 1>I would be silly not to do that.

0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:01.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I still.

0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:06.520
<v Speaker 1>Felt so so incredibly insecure around it. I just was like,

0:20:06.560 --> 0:20:08.000
<v Speaker 1>I cannot do this. I was like, I'm gonna get

0:20:08.000 --> 0:20:10.000
<v Speaker 1>fired from any job that I have when it comes

0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:13.440
<v Speaker 1>to acting. So it's something I've developed a love for now.

0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:19.200
<v Speaker 1>Later on. Actors are so so so thoughtful, so thoughtful,

0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:23.320
<v Speaker 1>and so like careful and articulate, and like you really

0:20:23.359 --> 0:20:27.400
<v Speaker 1>have to like rid yourself of like the judgment, and

0:20:27.440 --> 0:20:31.120
<v Speaker 1>I struggle so so hard with that. So it's it's

0:20:31.200 --> 0:20:33.080
<v Speaker 1>just something that I was always so insecure about.

0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:35.840
<v Speaker 2>That's actually a really powerful lesson though, Yeah, And I'm

0:20:35.840 --> 0:20:40.520
<v Speaker 2>glad you shared that detail because most of us have

0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:43.440
<v Speaker 2>one goal and we think there's one path to it, yeah,

0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:45.640
<v Speaker 2>and we're just walking in that direction, and often that

0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:49.719
<v Speaker 2>door doesn't open at a certain age, at a certain

0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:52.159
<v Speaker 2>time at a certain point in life. Yeah, but we

0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.560
<v Speaker 2>don't realize that a pivot at that point doing something

0:20:55.560 --> 0:20:57.679
<v Speaker 2>that you were even massively uncomfortable with.

0:20:57.800 --> 0:20:59.120
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, so uncomfortable.

0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:03.160
<v Speaker 2>But that's actually helped and been a productive and proactive

0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:05.800
<v Speaker 2>use of time as an investment in what you really

0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:08.480
<v Speaker 2>want to do, which I love that as a life lesson. Like,

0:21:08.560 --> 0:21:09.879
<v Speaker 2>that's incredible, That's huge.

0:21:09.960 --> 0:21:12.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. No, it's been the best I've like not only

0:21:12.720 --> 0:21:16.840
<v Speaker 1>like in a career since have I grown so much

0:21:16.920 --> 0:21:18.800
<v Speaker 1>and learned so much and been able to work with

0:21:18.840 --> 0:21:21.639
<v Speaker 1>really incredible people. I've also like met like my best

0:21:21.640 --> 0:21:24.159
<v Speaker 1>friends in the whole wide world, like my best friend

0:21:24.359 --> 0:21:29.160
<v Speaker 1>in the planet I met on TV show Ohliyah, And

0:21:29.240 --> 0:21:32.639
<v Speaker 1>you know, so it's like it's it's given me a lot,

0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:36.240
<v Speaker 1>and it's been like a really really big catalyst for

0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:39.480
<v Speaker 1>my music career. And that is not at all lost

0:21:39.560 --> 0:21:39.760
<v Speaker 1>on me.

0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:44.639
<v Speaker 2>That's fantastic. What's been your most difficult insecurity to channel

0:21:44.680 --> 0:21:47.240
<v Speaker 2>in music? Like, what's been the hardest thing to actually

0:21:47.960 --> 0:21:50.760
<v Speaker 2>communicate and express? And why do you think that is?

0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:53.399
<v Speaker 1>It's interesting. I feel like I expressed most of my

0:21:53.640 --> 0:21:57.360
<v Speaker 1>insecurities and things that I think, yeah, pretty well. And

0:21:57.960 --> 0:21:58.920
<v Speaker 1>it's pretty.

0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:02.040
<v Speaker 2>Openly absolutely no, I think you do totally.

0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:07.000
<v Speaker 1>But even though I do, I still constantly feel like

0:22:08.520 --> 0:22:13.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm so not communicating anything, well anything at all, even

0:22:13.920 --> 0:22:16.800
<v Speaker 1>though I know I do that, you know, like that

0:22:16.920 --> 0:22:19.600
<v Speaker 1>is the entire basis of like my songwriting is like

0:22:19.760 --> 0:22:22.879
<v Speaker 1>exactly how I feel and like letting that go again,

0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:25.359
<v Speaker 1>whether it be something I'm like proud of this thought

0:22:25.400 --> 0:22:27.680
<v Speaker 1>and opinion I have, or whether it's something that I'm

0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:29.160
<v Speaker 1>not proud of, but at the end of the day,

0:22:29.200 --> 0:22:30.840
<v Speaker 1>that is how I feel, and that is my art

0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:33.480
<v Speaker 1>and that is the reason why I put it out there. Whatever,

0:22:34.240 --> 0:22:39.199
<v Speaker 1>I still judge every inch of it so harshly, like

0:22:39.359 --> 0:22:43.800
<v Speaker 1>I cannot let it go. Like I wrote like a

0:22:43.840 --> 0:22:45.959
<v Speaker 1>bunch of songs on my album and I'm really like

0:22:46.119 --> 0:22:48.160
<v Speaker 1>proud of the things that I said and like proud

0:22:48.200 --> 0:22:51.160
<v Speaker 1>of the place that it comes from. And then I'll

0:22:51.880 --> 0:22:54.680
<v Speaker 1>panic about having written it and be like, oh my god,

0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:57.080
<v Speaker 1>I shouldn't have said that was so stupid, Like I

0:22:57.119 --> 0:22:59.760
<v Speaker 1>was just like sending the wrong like message or something,

0:22:59.840 --> 0:23:02.600
<v Speaker 1>or am I, you know, going against everything I believe in?

0:23:02.760 --> 0:23:04.359
<v Speaker 1>And then I'm like, no, that is actually just like

0:23:04.400 --> 0:23:06.439
<v Speaker 1>how I felt in that moment and like, not everything

0:23:06.480 --> 0:23:08.600
<v Speaker 1>I say is like Bible and like how you should

0:23:08.600 --> 0:23:12.280
<v Speaker 1>live your life? Please God don't. But like I don't know.

0:23:12.840 --> 0:23:15.480
<v Speaker 1>I communicate it all and I'm proud of how I do,

0:23:16.440 --> 0:23:20.040
<v Speaker 1>but I don't let that just be like that just

0:23:20.080 --> 0:23:23.639
<v Speaker 1>never exists. So I can over communicate as much as

0:23:23.680 --> 0:23:29.240
<v Speaker 1>humanly possible and still be incredibly insecure about what I'm

0:23:29.280 --> 0:23:31.560
<v Speaker 1>saying or like how it is received.

0:23:31.680 --> 0:23:36.200
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0:23:36.240 --> 0:23:38.760
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0:23:38.800 --> 0:23:42.280
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0:23:42.440 --> 0:23:45.640
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0:24:02.000 --> 0:24:06.280
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0:24:06.640 --> 0:24:09.760
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0:24:09.800 --> 0:24:13.200
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0:24:26.160 --> 0:24:30.520
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0:24:35.320 --> 0:24:38.719
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0:24:38.760 --> 0:24:42.679
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0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:47.640
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0:24:47.920 --> 0:24:51.400
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0:24:51.640 --> 0:24:56.720
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0:24:56.760 --> 0:25:00.520
<v Speaker 2>sure you use the code on purpose with you for

0:25:00.560 --> 0:25:02.919
<v Speaker 2>a few moments. I really feel like when you do

0:25:03.080 --> 0:25:06.919
<v Speaker 2>describe what anxiety feels like. A lot of the time,

0:25:06.920 --> 0:25:09.879
<v Speaker 2>when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like here, or

0:25:09.920 --> 0:25:13.000
<v Speaker 2>it sounds like here, the chest is title, they feel uncomfortable.

0:25:13.440 --> 0:25:14.960
<v Speaker 2>But when I hear you speak about it, you speak

0:25:14.960 --> 0:25:17.359
<v Speaker 2>about it from here, which really helps because it's kind

0:25:17.400 --> 0:25:20.280
<v Speaker 2>of like making sense. There was one lyric that stood

0:25:20.320 --> 0:25:22.640
<v Speaker 2>out that I wanted to share with you. I'll make

0:25:22.680 --> 0:25:24.920
<v Speaker 2>it through the winter. If it kills me, I can

0:25:24.920 --> 0:25:27.800
<v Speaker 2>make it faster. If I hurry, I'll angel in the

0:25:27.840 --> 0:25:30.399
<v Speaker 2>snow until I'm worthy. But if it kills me. I

0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:35.040
<v Speaker 2>tried if it kills me, And when I was there

0:25:35.080 --> 0:25:36.560
<v Speaker 2>was a couple of lines in there that I wanted

0:25:36.600 --> 0:25:38.400
<v Speaker 2>to kind of break down with you if that's okay. Yeah,

0:25:38.960 --> 0:25:42.640
<v Speaker 2>So one was I'll make it through the winter if

0:25:42.680 --> 0:25:46.240
<v Speaker 2>it kills me, and I was like, when do you

0:25:46.320 --> 0:25:48.560
<v Speaker 2>feel like you're most in winter? Like when does it

0:25:48.600 --> 0:25:50.080
<v Speaker 2>feel the coldest?

0:25:51.320 --> 0:25:55.520
<v Speaker 1>In the moments of me getting so riled up and

0:25:55.680 --> 0:26:02.760
<v Speaker 1>so panicked and freaked out about my career, my family,

0:26:03.160 --> 0:26:06.560
<v Speaker 1>being a good friend, like when I'm just like really

0:26:06.600 --> 0:26:09.640
<v Speaker 1>really really really really I don't know, just coming for myself,

0:26:09.800 --> 0:26:14.040
<v Speaker 1>to be honest, I never feel like I'm gonna like stop,

0:26:14.640 --> 0:26:19.359
<v Speaker 1>Like I just always feel resilient in a stick way, honestly,

0:26:19.520 --> 0:26:22.000
<v Speaker 1>in a way that has really really really helped me.

0:26:22.440 --> 0:26:25.240
<v Speaker 1>But it's crazy. Sometimes I think about it and I'm

0:26:25.400 --> 0:26:27.960
<v Speaker 1>very confused, Like I genuinely don't know where it comes

0:26:27.960 --> 0:26:30.280
<v Speaker 1>from or like what it is. But like I could

0:26:30.280 --> 0:26:33.520
<v Speaker 1>be having the worst day of my life and I

0:26:33.560 --> 0:26:37.320
<v Speaker 1>would still be like, yeah, this sucks, and like this

0:26:37.400 --> 0:26:39.520
<v Speaker 1>is the worst day of my life. And I feel

0:26:39.520 --> 0:26:42.240
<v Speaker 1>like a terrible person, and I feel like I've done

0:26:42.280 --> 0:26:46.679
<v Speaker 1>something really, really horrible, and I'm still not going to

0:26:46.720 --> 0:26:49.720
<v Speaker 1>stop what I'm doing, not that behavior. I guess like

0:26:49.760 --> 0:26:52.439
<v Speaker 1>I'm still not going to stop, like making music or

0:26:52.480 --> 0:26:54.400
<v Speaker 1>doing the thing that I love. And it's silly now

0:26:54.400 --> 0:26:56.320
<v Speaker 1>in retrospect, because I get like your kids, you say

0:26:56.400 --> 0:26:59.600
<v Speaker 1>dumb things, but like I would like post these singing

0:26:59.640 --> 0:27:01.560
<v Speaker 1>videos online when I was in high school, and like

0:27:01.640 --> 0:27:04.040
<v Speaker 1>all these girls would like go on Twitter and like

0:27:04.080 --> 0:27:06.400
<v Speaker 1>say how terrible of the singer I was, and how

0:27:06.560 --> 0:27:09.520
<v Speaker 1>I was just so silly and I looked stupid. And

0:27:09.600 --> 0:27:13.040
<v Speaker 1>I remember that so so well, and I remember really

0:27:13.119 --> 0:27:17.440
<v Speaker 1>hurting my feelings. But at the same time, I still

0:27:17.520 --> 0:27:19.920
<v Speaker 1>kept posting videos. It wasn't like it didn't hurt my feelings,

0:27:20.160 --> 0:27:21.880
<v Speaker 1>but I was like, you're not gonna stop me from

0:27:21.920 --> 0:27:23.879
<v Speaker 1>doing the thing that I love to do and that

0:27:24.000 --> 0:27:27.639
<v Speaker 1>I want to do. So winter is always but winter

0:27:27.800 --> 0:27:30.639
<v Speaker 1>is resilient, and so angels as a whole. It's just

0:27:30.960 --> 0:27:32.320
<v Speaker 1>full of resilience.

0:27:32.520 --> 0:27:40.760
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely. What makes you feel worthy now.

0:27:37.160 --> 0:27:41.320
<v Speaker 1>I feel worthy when the people around me are happy,

0:27:41.760 --> 0:27:44.760
<v Speaker 1>which I guess is something inherently that's like, oh that sucks.

0:27:44.800 --> 0:27:48.440
<v Speaker 1>Like I should feel worthy when I feel good about myself,

0:27:49.440 --> 0:27:51.320
<v Speaker 1>but I really do at this point in my life,

0:27:51.359 --> 0:27:54.360
<v Speaker 1>I feel I feel worthy when people around me are

0:27:54.359 --> 0:27:57.040
<v Speaker 1>happy and proud of me. If I feel like the

0:27:57.040 --> 0:27:58.879
<v Speaker 1>people around me are happy and proud of me and

0:27:58.920 --> 0:28:02.199
<v Speaker 1>they're okay, then I feel okay. And that goes for

0:28:02.400 --> 0:28:06.080
<v Speaker 1>like are like kind of like community and like fandom too,

0:28:06.320 --> 0:28:09.280
<v Speaker 1>Like if they like things and they feel good, then

0:28:09.320 --> 0:28:12.680
<v Speaker 1>I feel good. And if they don't, then I don't

0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:17.199
<v Speaker 1>feel good, which sucks. I know that's something I have

0:28:17.240 --> 0:28:20.000
<v Speaker 1>to inevitably work on and find some sort of equilibrium

0:28:20.119 --> 0:28:23.800
<v Speaker 1>to like be balanced and stuff. But right now it's

0:28:23.960 --> 0:28:26.879
<v Speaker 1>really just like it sucks, but it's when other people

0:28:27.000 --> 0:28:29.160
<v Speaker 1>are proud of me, then I am proud of myself.

0:28:29.640 --> 0:28:34.600
<v Speaker 1>I don't do well finding that internally, which is not ideal,

0:28:35.960 --> 0:28:37.640
<v Speaker 1>but it is like what it is right now.

0:28:37.880 --> 0:28:40.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah, and starting from where you are is the

0:28:40.640 --> 0:28:43.000
<v Speaker 2>only thing you can do. So yeah, being honest about

0:28:43.000 --> 0:28:45.200
<v Speaker 2>that and knowing where it's at absolutely And it's interesting

0:28:45.200 --> 0:28:47.120
<v Speaker 2>both times. Even earlier when we were like, you know,

0:28:47.120 --> 0:28:48.800
<v Speaker 2>what are you proud that you have around you? You

0:28:48.840 --> 0:28:52.120
<v Speaker 2>were like yeah, the people.

0:28:53.200 --> 0:28:56.120
<v Speaker 1>No, it really doesn't go like any.

0:28:56.040 --> 0:29:00.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And there's something beautiful in that. It's

0:29:00.120 --> 0:29:03.720
<v Speaker 2>the idea that what makes you worthy is that those

0:29:03.720 --> 0:29:05.920
<v Speaker 2>people choose to be in your life because they see

0:29:05.920 --> 0:29:08.160
<v Speaker 2>you as worthy. Absolutely and that and it's like if

0:29:08.160 --> 0:29:11.680
<v Speaker 2>you can just connect that. But it's a good Yeah,

0:29:11.680 --> 0:29:13.320
<v Speaker 2>but it takes a while. It takes a while for

0:29:13.320 --> 0:29:16.240
<v Speaker 2>all of us. We've all been conditioned. Whether it's everyone

0:29:16.280 --> 0:29:19.040
<v Speaker 2>around me matters, every around me doesn't matter, like whichever

0:29:19.120 --> 0:29:22.000
<v Speaker 2>way we are, we're all at some end of that spectrum. Yes,

0:29:22.120 --> 0:29:24.360
<v Speaker 2>what are the experiences in your life that you think

0:29:24.400 --> 0:29:28.920
<v Speaker 2>have made you become resilient? Like when did that? When

0:29:29.000 --> 0:29:30.560
<v Speaker 2>did you start to look at your life though I've

0:29:30.560 --> 0:29:32.200
<v Speaker 2>been through a lot of tough stuff.

0:29:32.440 --> 0:29:33.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and that's.

0:29:33.080 --> 0:29:35.360
<v Speaker 2>Built of resilience. What were some of those events or

0:29:35.560 --> 0:29:38.520
<v Speaker 2>what was the moment that you felt made you resilient.

0:29:38.720 --> 0:29:41.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's interesting. Whenever I start to like again like

0:29:41.840 --> 0:29:45.680
<v Speaker 1>compliment or like like pat myself on the back in

0:29:45.720 --> 0:29:48.080
<v Speaker 1>any sense of the word, I get so like my

0:29:48.160 --> 0:29:51.800
<v Speaker 1>immediate response, to be frank was to be like, well,

0:29:51.840 --> 0:29:53.680
<v Speaker 1>I've had it very easy and and I'm good, and

0:29:53.720 --> 0:29:59.320
<v Speaker 1>don't be wrong, haven't many many ways. But I think

0:29:59.360 --> 0:30:03.520
<v Speaker 1>that I feel like my resilience comes from like two

0:30:03.560 --> 0:30:05.920
<v Speaker 1>different things. A Like things that I actually go through,

0:30:06.320 --> 0:30:10.720
<v Speaker 1>be things that like how I speak to myself. I'm

0:30:10.800 --> 0:30:12.840
<v Speaker 1>very resilient when it comes to how I speak to myself.

0:30:12.840 --> 0:30:15.800
<v Speaker 1>Like if I had the inner monologue that I have

0:30:16.040 --> 0:30:19.800
<v Speaker 1>that was from another human being, oh my gosh, Like

0:30:19.840 --> 0:30:22.320
<v Speaker 1>that would suck. That would suck. But for whatever reason,

0:30:22.360 --> 0:30:25.240
<v Speaker 1>I keep pushing through and keep going. And that doesn't

0:30:25.280 --> 0:30:27.800
<v Speaker 1>really change that much, but I keep going. But like

0:30:27.880 --> 0:30:33.719
<v Speaker 1>situations like, for instance, like so snow Angel, which was

0:30:33.760 --> 0:30:36.040
<v Speaker 1>like the single of this album and it's not like

0:30:36.080 --> 0:30:39.240
<v Speaker 1>the album title and everything, is something that I've like

0:30:39.960 --> 0:30:43.920
<v Speaker 1>talked about for months really just being like, Okay, this

0:30:44.000 --> 0:30:46.920
<v Speaker 1>is a situation that happened to me, and this is

0:30:46.960 --> 0:30:50.200
<v Speaker 1>something that like I'll eventually talk about. But like I

0:30:50.240 --> 0:30:52.360
<v Speaker 1>want you to like have the song, sit with the song,

0:30:52.760 --> 0:30:57.200
<v Speaker 1>interpret it in the way that you need, and feel

0:30:57.240 --> 0:30:59.080
<v Speaker 1>like it can like sit on you so that you

0:30:59.200 --> 0:31:02.520
<v Speaker 1>have it because like the situation of that song A

0:31:02.760 --> 0:31:06.640
<v Speaker 1>is something that I pray and doesn't not something legit

0:31:06.760 --> 0:31:09.040
<v Speaker 1>that everybody can relate to in the sense that I

0:31:09.080 --> 0:31:11.560
<v Speaker 1>went through it which I'm very glad about, but like

0:31:12.280 --> 0:31:15.719
<v Speaker 1>that was a huge moment of resilience for me, and

0:31:15.760 --> 0:31:19.040
<v Speaker 1>even writing the song, I feel like was resilience, and

0:31:19.080 --> 0:31:22.440
<v Speaker 1>then in a way, holding back from then talking about

0:31:22.440 --> 0:31:25.520
<v Speaker 1>it for a couple of months was resilience. So it

0:31:25.640 --> 0:31:29.200
<v Speaker 1>shows up in my life in a lot of different ways,

0:31:29.600 --> 0:31:36.240
<v Speaker 1>but for that specifically, it was January, maybe late January,

0:31:36.320 --> 0:31:40.520
<v Speaker 1>early February of twenty twenty two, and I had just

0:31:40.600 --> 0:31:42.920
<v Speaker 1>gone through like a breakup and it was really tough,

0:31:43.120 --> 0:31:44.400
<v Speaker 1>and it was like the first time I had ever

0:31:44.440 --> 0:31:47.440
<v Speaker 1>been really in love with someone and then experienced like

0:31:47.440 --> 0:31:50.160
<v Speaker 1>a breakup. And I had always I had been in

0:31:50.200 --> 0:31:52.880
<v Speaker 1>relationships back to back for like five years, so my

0:31:53.280 --> 0:31:55.520
<v Speaker 1>later teen years were all that. And so at this

0:31:55.560 --> 0:31:59.040
<v Speaker 1>point I'm twenty two and I started like having like

0:31:59.160 --> 0:32:01.760
<v Speaker 1>freedom in my life kind of for the first time.

0:32:02.160 --> 0:32:03.720
<v Speaker 1>And I was living here in la and I was

0:32:03.760 --> 0:32:06.200
<v Speaker 1>like hanging out in a new group of people and

0:32:06.440 --> 0:32:09.120
<v Speaker 1>they were like they were partiers, and they like really

0:32:09.160 --> 0:32:12.840
<v Speaker 1>sent it, really sent it. I had heard from like

0:32:13.120 --> 0:32:15.280
<v Speaker 1>my family and like my friends around me that like

0:32:16.520 --> 0:32:19.280
<v Speaker 1>this isn't really like a good group. We don't think

0:32:19.320 --> 0:32:21.000
<v Speaker 1>for you, and that's not to say that these are

0:32:21.040 --> 0:32:24.200
<v Speaker 1>bad people, because I don't I don't believe that. I

0:32:24.240 --> 0:32:27.520
<v Speaker 1>think that people can do bad things and so be

0:32:27.600 --> 0:32:32.680
<v Speaker 1>good people sometimes so a couple of them. But I

0:32:32.840 --> 0:32:35.520
<v Speaker 1>was in this group of friends and we were just

0:32:35.600 --> 0:32:37.720
<v Speaker 1>like sending it. And it was the first time in

0:32:37.720 --> 0:32:39.440
<v Speaker 1>my life where I wasn't working. I was fresh out

0:32:39.440 --> 0:32:42.240
<v Speaker 1>of this relationship. I was just going there. And I

0:32:42.280 --> 0:32:47.959
<v Speaker 1>think that I had always had to like really like

0:32:48.080 --> 0:32:50.040
<v Speaker 1>nail myself to the ground, and I had always been

0:32:50.080 --> 0:32:52.920
<v Speaker 1>just so incredibly nervous, and for the first time, I

0:32:53.040 --> 0:32:56.480
<v Speaker 1>just like didn't and I like really let my judgment

0:32:56.680 --> 0:32:59.480
<v Speaker 1>go when it came to the people that were around me.

0:32:59.840 --> 0:32:59.920
<v Speaker 4>And.

0:33:02.000 --> 0:33:06.960
<v Speaker 1>We were all out and it was just situation after

0:33:07.000 --> 0:33:11.960
<v Speaker 1>a situation where they were just not trustworthy. And then

0:33:12.040 --> 0:33:15.240
<v Speaker 1>like the next thing you knew, I was face up,

0:33:15.360 --> 0:33:18.120
<v Speaker 1>like laying down in like a bathroom stall in a

0:33:18.200 --> 0:33:22.680
<v Speaker 1>hotel bar, just waking up like five in the morning,

0:33:22.800 --> 0:33:26.440
<v Speaker 1>like completely alone. And I woke up and I was

0:33:26.480 --> 0:33:29.040
<v Speaker 1>like I was just so confused, and I had like

0:33:30.120 --> 0:33:32.120
<v Speaker 1>blood on my pants and I was really just like

0:33:32.200 --> 0:33:35.440
<v Speaker 1>so caught off guard, and I like looked down. I

0:33:35.480 --> 0:33:37.520
<v Speaker 1>had my phone and my purse and I looked down

0:33:37.520 --> 0:33:40.040
<v Speaker 1>and I was completely alone in a bathroom stall, and

0:33:40.080 --> 0:33:41.240
<v Speaker 1>I looked at my phone and it was like five

0:33:41.280 --> 0:33:42.720
<v Speaker 1>in the morning. I was like, what happened? I was like,

0:33:42.800 --> 0:33:44.920
<v Speaker 1>I was out of like a party with like my friends,

0:33:45.400 --> 0:33:49.720
<v Speaker 1>and I had missed two texts from two people that

0:33:49.760 --> 0:33:53.640
<v Speaker 1>I was with at like ten thirty the night before,

0:33:54.320 --> 0:33:57.480
<v Speaker 1>which was like seven hours had gone by. That was like, hey,

0:33:57.520 --> 0:33:59.800
<v Speaker 1>I guess you left, Like, well, you know, see you

0:33:59.840 --> 0:34:01.560
<v Speaker 1>in let me see you and mind you. I was

0:34:01.640 --> 0:34:03.640
<v Speaker 1>dating somebody in the group at that time, and so

0:34:03.720 --> 0:34:06.120
<v Speaker 1>I didn't go to this place alone. And I had

0:34:06.160 --> 0:34:09.040
<v Speaker 1>like a boyfriend or a situation or whatever somebody that

0:34:09.120 --> 0:34:12.560
<v Speaker 1>I was at least with that just was nowhere to

0:34:12.600 --> 0:34:19.200
<v Speaker 1>be found. And so I still have no idea what happened,

0:34:19.960 --> 0:34:24.680
<v Speaker 1>no clue what happened. But I was drugged and just

0:34:24.719 --> 0:34:29.959
<v Speaker 1>like missing for like seven hours and stopped being friends

0:34:30.000 --> 0:34:33.839
<v Speaker 1>with those people and stopped doing as much partying as

0:34:33.840 --> 0:34:38.239
<v Speaker 1>I was and told my parents, told some of my

0:34:38.320 --> 0:34:42.239
<v Speaker 1>friends and just kind of explained it in like a

0:34:42.280 --> 0:34:45.520
<v Speaker 1>really matter of fact way, and they were all very concerned.

0:34:45.840 --> 0:34:48.080
<v Speaker 1>And I didn't really even understand what was happening, because

0:34:48.080 --> 0:34:51.839
<v Speaker 1>again I didn't recall anything that had happened, and then

0:34:51.920 --> 0:34:56.080
<v Speaker 1>a couple months later we like really delve into it,

0:34:56.160 --> 0:34:57.880
<v Speaker 1>and like I kind of started to like have to

0:34:57.920 --> 0:35:01.800
<v Speaker 1>like deal with everything that happen and was just crying

0:35:01.840 --> 0:35:04.840
<v Speaker 1>and so upset and very confused and then resentful of

0:35:04.920 --> 0:35:07.239
<v Speaker 1>that was friends that I was with. But all that

0:35:07.320 --> 0:35:11.200
<v Speaker 1>to say, then like a year later, we wrote Snow Angel,

0:35:11.320 --> 0:35:14.839
<v Speaker 1>and I had been saying to Alexander, who I did

0:35:14.840 --> 0:35:16.640
<v Speaker 1>this whole album with, like I really want to write

0:35:16.640 --> 0:35:20.080
<v Speaker 1>a song about this. I'd recounted the situation so many times,

0:35:20.520 --> 0:35:23.480
<v Speaker 1>and after like the tenth time of telling like a

0:35:23.480 --> 0:35:27.880
<v Speaker 1>group of people that you know through maybe just music sessions,

0:35:27.920 --> 0:35:31.760
<v Speaker 1>that you were like drugged and you have no idea

0:35:31.760 --> 0:35:33.760
<v Speaker 1>what happened and you were like kind of into drugs

0:35:33.760 --> 0:35:35.480
<v Speaker 1>at one point, but you don't really want to talk

0:35:35.520 --> 0:35:36.920
<v Speaker 1>about it, but you do want to write a song

0:35:36.960 --> 0:35:41.040
<v Speaker 1>about it, and them just being like, then you kind

0:35:41.040 --> 0:35:44.440
<v Speaker 1>of stop wanting to write that song naturally, So I

0:35:44.480 --> 0:35:46.200
<v Speaker 1>was like, Okay, I guess I just won't write anything

0:35:46.239 --> 0:35:50.080
<v Speaker 1>about this. And then eventually Alexander like came back to

0:35:50.080 --> 0:35:52.759
<v Speaker 1>me and was like, I really want to write that

0:35:52.960 --> 0:35:54.960
<v Speaker 1>song that you were talking to me, about and I

0:35:54.960 --> 0:35:57.600
<v Speaker 1>think you and I should just do it together. And

0:35:57.640 --> 0:36:00.239
<v Speaker 1>I was like okay, And then we started writing and

0:36:00.280 --> 0:36:01.680
<v Speaker 1>it was just the two of us, and frankly, the

0:36:01.719 --> 0:36:05.160
<v Speaker 1>whole time we were writing it, I felt nothing, nothing

0:36:05.200 --> 0:36:07.520
<v Speaker 1>Like I was explaining all this stuff and I was like, yeah,

0:36:07.520 --> 0:36:09.920
<v Speaker 1>and you can like reference like the snow as whatever

0:36:09.960 --> 0:36:12.200
<v Speaker 1>you want to reference it has, and things like that,

0:36:12.600 --> 0:36:16.680
<v Speaker 1>and I felt nothing at all until we had recorded

0:36:16.719 --> 0:36:18.760
<v Speaker 1>the song. The whole thing was done, and I played

0:36:18.760 --> 0:36:20.800
<v Speaker 1>it for a bunch of my friends and my manager

0:36:20.840 --> 0:36:23.960
<v Speaker 1>and everybody was like, this is insane. But for me,

0:36:24.760 --> 0:36:30.880
<v Speaker 1>that whole year of my life was inherent resilience, because

0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:33.840
<v Speaker 1>not only was I like fighting through an experience I

0:36:33.880 --> 0:36:39.279
<v Speaker 1>have no idea what happened to me, lost friends, felt

0:36:39.320 --> 0:36:42.120
<v Speaker 1>like I couldn't go out with anybody and trust anybody,

0:36:42.680 --> 0:36:45.120
<v Speaker 1>And then was like trying to explain the situation in

0:36:45.160 --> 0:36:47.480
<v Speaker 1>a way that I understood it, but I didn't really

0:36:47.560 --> 0:36:49.920
<v Speaker 1>understand it, And then wanted to write a song about it,

0:36:50.000 --> 0:36:52.160
<v Speaker 1>and wanted to write an album about it, but was

0:36:52.200 --> 0:36:54.680
<v Speaker 1>also afraid to be judged for having something like that

0:36:54.760 --> 0:36:57.440
<v Speaker 1>happened to me. But it's also like, what did happen?

0:36:58.040 --> 0:37:01.440
<v Speaker 1>So it was a whole thing up until we decided

0:37:01.480 --> 0:37:03.400
<v Speaker 1>to like name the album's so Angel and have that

0:37:03.440 --> 0:37:05.960
<v Speaker 1>be the song that to me, it was all resilience

0:37:06.239 --> 0:37:09.360
<v Speaker 1>because I was just like kind of cold face, like

0:37:09.560 --> 0:37:13.040
<v Speaker 1>fighting through everything. And I still don't really know how

0:37:13.120 --> 0:37:15.160
<v Speaker 1>I feel about it. I just know that I feel

0:37:15.480 --> 0:37:17.719
<v Speaker 1>weird and very resilient.

0:37:19.680 --> 0:37:20.799
<v Speaker 2>That's resilient, for sure.

0:37:20.880 --> 0:37:21.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's resilient.

0:37:22.200 --> 0:37:24.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah for sure. I mean, have you ever been able

0:37:24.560 --> 0:37:27.000
<v Speaker 2>to piece anything together from the night or not at all?

0:37:27.080 --> 0:37:31.840
<v Speaker 2>Like just nothing? That's that must be So that's almost

0:37:31.880 --> 0:37:34.280
<v Speaker 2>like so disconnecting.

0:37:33.600 --> 0:37:36.319
<v Speaker 1>From very weird. Yeah, very weird. Yeah, I know, I

0:37:36.320 --> 0:37:39.040
<v Speaker 1>have no idea, and I just stopped talking to the

0:37:39.160 --> 0:37:40.560
<v Speaker 1>group of people. I was like, I don't I don't

0:37:40.560 --> 0:37:42.719
<v Speaker 1>want to know what you know or don't or what

0:37:42.719 --> 0:37:45.000
<v Speaker 1>you claim to know or don't know. I just wanted

0:37:45.040 --> 0:37:45.560
<v Speaker 1>to let it go.

0:37:45.880 --> 0:37:50.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, what made you trust them in the first place

0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:52.399
<v Speaker 2>that you now look back as the red flag and go?

0:37:52.800 --> 0:37:53.720
<v Speaker 2>I should have been aware.

0:37:54.200 --> 0:37:58.080
<v Speaker 1>I really wanted to have fun. I really wanted to

0:37:58.080 --> 0:38:00.040
<v Speaker 1>have fun. I had just gone through this breakup, and

0:38:00.080 --> 0:38:03.560
<v Speaker 1>I had just changed a lot of my life and

0:38:03.840 --> 0:38:07.239
<v Speaker 1>I had just you know, become visible in like a

0:38:07.280 --> 0:38:11.360
<v Speaker 1>different way in the career thing. And I just wanted

0:38:11.400 --> 0:38:13.640
<v Speaker 1>to like party and have a good time. I didn't

0:38:13.680 --> 0:38:16.200
<v Speaker 1>go to college, and I didn't have that experience like

0:38:16.280 --> 0:38:19.600
<v Speaker 1>to like let loose and just like kill. And these

0:38:19.640 --> 0:38:22.840
<v Speaker 1>were people that I saw were really partying too much

0:38:23.400 --> 0:38:26.320
<v Speaker 1>to a point, and I just I wanted to have fun,

0:38:26.360 --> 0:38:29.360
<v Speaker 1>and I wanted people who knew none of my friends,

0:38:29.600 --> 0:38:32.880
<v Speaker 1>who knew nothing about my life, who didn't know my ex,

0:38:33.080 --> 0:38:37.040
<v Speaker 1>who didn't know two x's ago, who knew nothing about me,

0:38:37.160 --> 0:38:39.160
<v Speaker 1>and I was just like fresh new into the group.

0:38:39.880 --> 0:38:42.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't know, It's just like it was exciting to

0:38:42.440 --> 0:38:45.120
<v Speaker 1>have a group of people that just did not care

0:38:46.040 --> 0:38:50.719
<v Speaker 1>about anything else other than partying. Because I cared so

0:38:50.840 --> 0:38:54.160
<v Speaker 1>much about everything else. I wanted that like level of

0:38:54.280 --> 0:38:57.080
<v Speaker 1>just like escape and not dealing with it. And then

0:38:57.080 --> 0:38:58.560
<v Speaker 1>I just escaped too far.

0:38:59.200 --> 0:39:01.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, how did they act when you kind of started

0:39:01.320 --> 0:39:02.040
<v Speaker 2>to disconnect?

0:39:02.400 --> 0:39:06.080
<v Speaker 1>To be honest, like it wasn't a big deal, Like

0:39:06.200 --> 0:39:13.759
<v Speaker 1>it was it was nothing to them to lose a

0:39:13.840 --> 0:39:16.040
<v Speaker 1>friendship like that. It was it wasn't a big deal

0:39:16.080 --> 0:39:19.799
<v Speaker 1>to them, And that's you know whatever. I guess the

0:39:19.840 --> 0:39:23.960
<v Speaker 1>only time that I ever heard like anything was like

0:39:24.120 --> 0:39:26.920
<v Speaker 1>when I started just like really release music and started

0:39:26.920 --> 0:39:30.480
<v Speaker 1>getting more attention for it, somebody was like, hey, you know,

0:39:30.520 --> 0:39:32.440
<v Speaker 1>I would love to talk to you about like the time.

0:39:32.520 --> 0:39:34.879
<v Speaker 1>Da da da da da, And I'm just like, no,

0:39:34.920 --> 0:39:38.520
<v Speaker 1>you don't. Like, no, you don't, No, you don't. And

0:39:38.600 --> 0:39:41.160
<v Speaker 1>I feel like that person obviously. I mean, you don't

0:39:41.200 --> 0:39:44.839
<v Speaker 1>just disappear like randomly. You just don't. As far as

0:39:44.880 --> 0:39:46.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm concerned, I could be way wrong and silly for

0:39:46.920 --> 0:39:52.279
<v Speaker 1>thinking that, but yeah, it wasn't a big deal to them.

0:39:52.320 --> 0:39:55.640
<v Speaker 1>It was just nothing, and I've I've made peace with

0:39:55.680 --> 0:39:58.680
<v Speaker 1>it to just be like, Okay, if that is how

0:39:58.719 --> 0:40:01.759
<v Speaker 1>you react to do something like that happening to me,

0:40:01.880 --> 0:40:07.920
<v Speaker 1>then you don't value my life, friendship and safety in

0:40:07.960 --> 0:40:10.200
<v Speaker 1>the way that I would value yours. So it's best

0:40:10.239 --> 0:40:12.359
<v Speaker 1>we just part ways and then we just never really

0:40:12.400 --> 0:40:12.879
<v Speaker 1>talked again.

0:40:14.719 --> 0:40:17.560
<v Speaker 2>That's hard as well to like, yeah, yeah, how does

0:40:17.600 --> 0:40:18.480
<v Speaker 2>that feel to you?

0:40:18.520 --> 0:40:25.719
<v Speaker 1>Now? I trust people really fast, and then when I

0:40:25.760 --> 0:40:29.759
<v Speaker 1>don't trust someone, I don't trust them, and I think

0:40:29.760 --> 0:40:34.799
<v Speaker 1>it's very jarring for people around me sometimes. But I'm

0:40:34.840 --> 0:40:38.200
<v Speaker 1>good at letting go, very good at letting go, and

0:40:38.239 --> 0:40:40.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't know if that's something that I'm really good

0:40:40.040 --> 0:40:43.560
<v Speaker 1>at because I've been burned one too many times. I mean,

0:40:43.640 --> 0:40:45.760
<v Speaker 1>I would rather be like with my group of friends

0:40:45.840 --> 0:40:49.480
<v Speaker 1>now and like not be at risk to like be

0:40:49.640 --> 0:40:53.839
<v Speaker 1>left alone and hurt and have whatever happened happen then

0:40:54.000 --> 0:40:57.040
<v Speaker 1>like be with those people. Yeah, I think I'm doing

0:40:57.080 --> 0:40:59.960
<v Speaker 1>like pretty good in my life where I don't really

0:41:00.160 --> 0:41:02.040
<v Speaker 1>feel like I need that.

0:41:03.400 --> 0:41:06.040
<v Speaker 2>And also the idea of like wanting to party and

0:41:06.080 --> 0:41:09.239
<v Speaker 2>have fun is not a bad thing. Yeah, but it's yeah,

0:41:09.680 --> 0:41:12.880
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's it's almost it's so that wanting to

0:41:12.920 --> 0:41:15.000
<v Speaker 2>have a great time and your intentions just like, hey,

0:41:15.000 --> 0:41:16.480
<v Speaker 2>I've got through his breakup, I want to party, I

0:41:16.520 --> 0:41:18.200
<v Speaker 2>want to have fun, Like, yeah, that doesn't seem like

0:41:18.200 --> 0:41:19.479
<v Speaker 2>a terrible thing. No.

0:41:19.800 --> 0:41:23.160
<v Speaker 1>And I also I was worried about how my friends

0:41:23.200 --> 0:41:25.440
<v Speaker 1>and people who were immediate in my life would like

0:41:25.960 --> 0:41:28.560
<v Speaker 1>view me for them having all of this sudden happened

0:41:28.560 --> 0:41:30.640
<v Speaker 1>to be like yeah, okay, so I was out with

0:41:30.640 --> 0:41:33.080
<v Speaker 1>this group of people X, Y, and Z happened whatever.

0:41:33.960 --> 0:41:36.640
<v Speaker 1>I was very scared about how that would did they respond?

0:41:37.040 --> 0:41:40.920
<v Speaker 1>They were at the time, they were much more worried

0:41:41.120 --> 0:41:43.840
<v Speaker 1>than I was aware of what was happening, because I

0:41:43.960 --> 0:41:47.000
<v Speaker 1>really just brushed it off, and honestly, I think I

0:41:47.120 --> 0:41:48.400
<v Speaker 1>was just in like kind of like a fight or

0:41:48.440 --> 0:41:50.680
<v Speaker 1>flight thing, just like, okay, well this happens, got to

0:41:50.719 --> 0:41:52.040
<v Speaker 1>move on, to be honest, The next weekend, I went

0:41:52.080 --> 0:41:55.440
<v Speaker 1>to Coachella, like I was just like, okay, whatever. My

0:41:55.480 --> 0:41:58.120
<v Speaker 1>friends were very concerned, and we're really weird it out

0:41:58.120 --> 0:42:00.480
<v Speaker 1>and where I guess talking like amongst each other more

0:42:00.520 --> 0:42:02.280
<v Speaker 1>so than to me, but we're really protective.

0:42:02.560 --> 0:42:05.480
<v Speaker 2>Did you feel like you had to move on fast

0:42:05.719 --> 0:42:07.600
<v Speaker 2>in order so that people didn't take it too seriously

0:42:07.640 --> 0:42:10.400
<v Speaker 2>because you wanted them to be okay with it and

0:42:10.440 --> 0:42:12.680
<v Speaker 2>you didn't allow yourself to feel it. Yeah.

0:42:12.800 --> 0:42:18.360
<v Speaker 1>I also really didn't want to know what happened. I

0:42:18.360 --> 0:42:19.640
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to find out what happened.

0:42:19.719 --> 0:42:21.200
<v Speaker 2>And still yeah, nope.

0:42:22.160 --> 0:42:24.680
<v Speaker 1>And in a way I kind of do, because I

0:42:24.719 --> 0:42:29.239
<v Speaker 1>also am like vengeful, to be honest, and I like,

0:42:30.160 --> 0:42:32.560
<v Speaker 1>in a way I want to know, like who let

0:42:32.800 --> 0:42:38.240
<v Speaker 1>what you know? But also I was just like, okay,

0:42:38.640 --> 0:42:40.440
<v Speaker 1>move on, Like I don't want anybody to see me

0:42:40.440 --> 0:42:43.120
<v Speaker 1>sweat in that way, because then that would be admitting

0:42:43.160 --> 0:42:46.360
<v Speaker 1>that something bad actually did happen to me. And I've

0:42:46.400 --> 0:42:50.240
<v Speaker 1>never had anything specifically like that, happened to me before,

0:42:50.280 --> 0:42:52.960
<v Speaker 1>and I thought it was a very like a long

0:42:53.040 --> 0:42:55.600
<v Speaker 1>shot of an idea, like that's something you hear about

0:42:55.640 --> 0:42:59.560
<v Speaker 1>happening to like girls and people out who like get

0:42:59.640 --> 0:43:02.040
<v Speaker 1>drugs and things like that, and that's not ever something

0:43:02.040 --> 0:43:04.800
<v Speaker 1>that would happen to me. So I just I wanted

0:43:04.800 --> 0:43:06.640
<v Speaker 1>to move past it quickly.

0:43:06.960 --> 0:43:11.200
<v Speaker 2>Yes, that denial as well. Absolutely, How has that changed

0:43:11.239 --> 0:43:13.120
<v Speaker 2>your way of now having fun and being able to

0:43:13.160 --> 0:43:14.799
<v Speaker 2>go out and being able to trust? Like, how is

0:43:14.840 --> 0:43:15.560
<v Speaker 2>that impacted?

0:43:16.000 --> 0:43:20.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm better friends now group. Yeah, I'm very I'm very

0:43:20.600 --> 0:43:24.360
<v Speaker 1>lucky I have good people in my life. I also

0:43:24.440 --> 0:43:28.680
<v Speaker 1>am really I think I'm a more like honest version

0:43:28.719 --> 0:43:31.279
<v Speaker 1>of myself. Like if I don't trust someone, they will know,

0:43:32.480 --> 0:43:34.440
<v Speaker 1>and odds are they won't really be around me. But

0:43:34.480 --> 0:43:37.319
<v Speaker 1>also like I used to want everybody to be my

0:43:37.400 --> 0:43:39.600
<v Speaker 1>friend so badly, and don't get me wrong, I still

0:43:39.680 --> 0:43:42.800
<v Speaker 1>kind of do, but I like I wanted everyone's approval

0:43:43.800 --> 0:43:46.560
<v Speaker 1>in the worst way when it came to a friend group.

0:43:47.000 --> 0:43:49.960
<v Speaker 1>I don't necessarily feel like that anymore. I feel like

0:43:50.080 --> 0:43:53.640
<v Speaker 1>I got taken advantage of obviously a lot in many ways,

0:43:53.680 --> 0:43:55.520
<v Speaker 1>but now I don't really feel like that happens to

0:43:55.560 --> 0:43:56.040
<v Speaker 1>me as much.

0:43:57.120 --> 0:43:59.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's almost like, how far are we willing to

0:43:59.840 --> 0:44:02.600
<v Speaker 2>go away from ourselves to get someone else's approval?

0:44:02.719 --> 0:44:04.640
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I would have ran to the ends

0:44:04.680 --> 0:44:05.080
<v Speaker 1>of the earth.

0:44:05.320 --> 0:44:09.239
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Once you made that song, as you were saying,

0:44:09.239 --> 0:44:10.640
<v Speaker 2>you were trying to put it in and you're trying

0:44:10.640 --> 0:44:14.880
<v Speaker 2>to get yes your team. Finally, Alexander, Yeah, finally, like

0:44:15.200 --> 0:44:19.160
<v Speaker 2>you know understood and was listening. And how did it

0:44:19.440 --> 0:44:21.120
<v Speaker 2>then feel to put that out there in the world,

0:44:21.200 --> 0:44:23.200
<v Speaker 2>and then obviously you've talked about your family of friends

0:44:23.200 --> 0:44:25.800
<v Speaker 2>and now for everyone to hear it. How did that feel?

0:44:26.640 --> 0:44:28.520
<v Speaker 1>It was honestly weird for the first couple of months,

0:44:28.520 --> 0:44:35.840
<v Speaker 1>because I was like, I what I wanted was for

0:44:35.920 --> 0:44:39.919
<v Speaker 1>the song to live on its own and have its

0:44:39.960 --> 0:44:44.000
<v Speaker 1>own kind of existence without my experience attached to it,

0:44:44.880 --> 0:44:48.799
<v Speaker 1>so that people could take it in a way that

0:44:49.360 --> 0:44:52.480
<v Speaker 1>they weren't listening to the song and feeling like pity

0:44:52.560 --> 0:44:55.400
<v Speaker 1>for me. In a way, I wanted everybody to have

0:44:55.440 --> 0:44:57.920
<v Speaker 1>their own experience with it, because again, this is a

0:44:58.000 --> 0:44:59.120
<v Speaker 1>very specific song.

0:44:59.239 --> 0:44:59.520
<v Speaker 2>Sure.

0:45:00.040 --> 0:45:04.200
<v Speaker 1>I also, however, would find myself like getting so frustrated,

0:45:04.440 --> 0:45:08.239
<v Speaker 1>like wanting to like talk about it and just like

0:45:08.520 --> 0:45:12.400
<v Speaker 1>blurt it out before I was like fully like not

0:45:12.520 --> 0:45:14.520
<v Speaker 1>ready to, but like before I was ready to like

0:45:14.560 --> 0:45:16.600
<v Speaker 1>actually like make this like okay, this is the thing.

0:45:16.680 --> 0:45:18.760
<v Speaker 1>Now the album was out, it was like a weird

0:45:18.800 --> 0:45:21.520
<v Speaker 1>back and forth because also I'm still very like angry

0:45:21.560 --> 0:45:24.120
<v Speaker 1>from the situation. As much as I want to like

0:45:24.200 --> 0:45:27.440
<v Speaker 1>move past it and push past it would just float

0:45:27.520 --> 0:45:31.560
<v Speaker 1>between like I really like nobody knowing what this is about,

0:45:32.320 --> 0:45:35.600
<v Speaker 1>and also like I want revenge, like you know what

0:45:35.600 --> 0:45:39.280
<v Speaker 1>I mean, and revenge for me is just like talking

0:45:39.320 --> 0:45:42.040
<v Speaker 1>about it, I guess. But yeah, it went, it went

0:45:42.120 --> 0:45:45.279
<v Speaker 1>both ways. I am, however, really really really glad that

0:45:45.320 --> 0:45:47.480
<v Speaker 1>people got to sit with it and take their kind

0:45:47.520 --> 0:45:50.200
<v Speaker 1>of experiences with it. But it was really interesting seeing

0:45:50.200 --> 0:45:53.600
<v Speaker 1>people's interpretations of the song because somebody was like, oh

0:45:53.600 --> 0:45:55.840
<v Speaker 1>my god, yeah, when it's cold outside, it's brutal, and

0:45:55.880 --> 0:46:00.080
<v Speaker 1>I was like, yeah, girl, like that is amazing you

0:46:00.280 --> 0:46:04.279
<v Speaker 1>feel that way, like art really is subjective. Yeah, it

0:46:04.320 --> 0:46:06.200
<v Speaker 1>was weird for a minute. It's so weird.

0:46:06.520 --> 0:46:08.000
<v Speaker 2>Have you ever had people reach out to you and

0:46:08.239 --> 0:46:10.960
<v Speaker 2>tell you about their experiences of similar things happening.

0:46:10.680 --> 0:46:15.279
<v Speaker 1>Or nobody has not that I've seen anything, because I

0:46:15.280 --> 0:46:17.920
<v Speaker 1>don't even feel like it's really suggested incredibly in the song,

0:46:18.000 --> 0:46:24.319
<v Speaker 1>but unless you like know, yeah, you won't know. But

0:46:24.600 --> 0:46:28.359
<v Speaker 1>I have, however, had had a couple of people talk

0:46:28.400 --> 0:46:31.839
<v Speaker 1>to me about like their own experience with because these

0:46:31.840 --> 0:46:33.719
<v Speaker 1>are people who have been through some sort of like

0:46:34.400 --> 0:46:37.920
<v Speaker 1>drug or alcohol related like thing or what have you,

0:46:38.480 --> 0:46:41.279
<v Speaker 1>and been like, hey, like I really really liked this

0:46:41.400 --> 0:46:44.640
<v Speaker 1>song for my own reason, and I've been in and

0:46:44.680 --> 0:46:47.040
<v Speaker 1>out of X y Z situation and this has been

0:46:47.080 --> 0:46:49.239
<v Speaker 1>really helpful for me. And there have been a couple

0:46:49.320 --> 0:46:52.120
<v Speaker 1>of times where like, obviously I haven't like said anything,

0:46:52.560 --> 0:46:54.680
<v Speaker 1>but like you know, when you're talking to somebody and

0:46:54.719 --> 0:46:57.480
<v Speaker 1>you're like not saying exactly what it is, but like

0:46:57.520 --> 0:46:59.399
<v Speaker 1>you can kind of both tell in each other's eyes

0:46:59.480 --> 0:47:03.560
<v Speaker 1>that there's like something much deeper happening than what you're

0:47:03.600 --> 0:47:07.600
<v Speaker 1>both saying. It's that kind of like camaraderie and like yeah,

0:47:07.719 --> 0:47:11.239
<v Speaker 1>I see you without like saying it, yes absolutely, which

0:47:11.280 --> 0:47:13.400
<v Speaker 1>has been really comforting.

0:47:13.719 --> 0:47:15.880
<v Speaker 2>It's sad that you can connect on that or understand

0:47:15.920 --> 0:47:18.760
<v Speaker 2>each other, but at least you feel understood and held

0:47:18.760 --> 0:47:21.600
<v Speaker 2>in that moment totally. Thank you for sharing that with us.

0:47:21.640 --> 0:47:24.040
<v Speaker 2>I mean it's like it's just oh yeah, it's just

0:47:24.760 --> 0:47:28.000
<v Speaker 2>I mean you know, I think that whenever we go throings,

0:47:28.239 --> 0:47:30.160
<v Speaker 2>go through things where we don't have control and we

0:47:30.200 --> 0:47:34.960
<v Speaker 2>don't have consciousness even you know what to speak of control,

0:47:35.080 --> 0:47:39.400
<v Speaker 2>it's it's so disconnecting from the self because you were

0:47:39.400 --> 0:47:42.759
<v Speaker 2>disconnected from from a period of time from yourself. What

0:47:42.880 --> 0:47:45.600
<v Speaker 2>have been the things today that you feel connect you

0:47:45.640 --> 0:47:47.359
<v Speaker 2>to yourself? Like, what are the things that you love

0:47:47.400 --> 0:47:50.360
<v Speaker 2>to do that make you kind of you know, smile

0:47:50.440 --> 0:47:52.840
<v Speaker 2>and love and you know, bring joy to you.

0:47:53.040 --> 0:47:57.920
<v Speaker 1>I love talking to people. I love. I'm such a

0:47:58.400 --> 0:48:03.239
<v Speaker 1>like extroverted introvert. I really like I Relating is my

0:48:03.360 --> 0:48:06.239
<v Speaker 1>favorite thing in the whole world. And whether it's like

0:48:06.400 --> 0:48:10.440
<v Speaker 1>actually relating or having someone else or myself feel understood,

0:48:10.440 --> 0:48:13.920
<v Speaker 1>even if it's not necessarily relating, I love that. I

0:48:13.960 --> 0:48:18.560
<v Speaker 1>love writing songs. Writing songs is my greatest weapon in

0:48:18.600 --> 0:48:20.960
<v Speaker 1>this life. It's my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

0:48:21.440 --> 0:48:23.959
<v Speaker 1>And I also, honestly, the thing that I like love

0:48:24.160 --> 0:48:26.080
<v Speaker 1>most in my life right now is like I love

0:48:26.120 --> 0:48:28.360
<v Speaker 1>watching my little brother grow up. That's kind of like

0:48:28.400 --> 0:48:31.640
<v Speaker 1>a complete segue, but yeah, he's like he's only a

0:48:31.680 --> 0:48:33.920
<v Speaker 1>couple of years younger than me, but he's like totally

0:48:33.960 --> 0:48:37.400
<v Speaker 1>my baby and so I'm like really trying to like

0:48:37.800 --> 0:48:41.680
<v Speaker 1>cherish watching him like grow up. So yeah, again, it's

0:48:41.680 --> 0:48:44.040
<v Speaker 1>like all the people connections. I'm like, I love the

0:48:44.040 --> 0:48:45.840
<v Speaker 1>people in my life very much.

0:48:46.400 --> 0:48:49.399
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah. My youngest sister is like five years younger

0:48:49.480 --> 0:48:51.719
<v Speaker 2>than me, and so I remember like when she was born,

0:48:51.880 --> 0:48:55.560
<v Speaker 2>I remember holding her. Oh and she's getting married in

0:48:55.840 --> 0:48:59.800
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, and she's thirty one, and it's just

0:49:00.160 --> 0:49:03.160
<v Speaker 2>like such a you know, I feel the same way,

0:49:03.239 --> 0:49:05.440
<v Speaker 2>like she's like my baby and he's getting married. Like

0:49:05.560 --> 0:49:08.040
<v Speaker 2>it's it's a crazy feeling.

0:49:07.920 --> 0:49:11.239
<v Speaker 1>It's insane. Yeah, it were you like a like a

0:49:11.520 --> 0:49:14.080
<v Speaker 1>like an emotionally it's kind of an avative question, I guess,

0:49:14.120 --> 0:49:17.240
<v Speaker 1>But were you like an emotionally available older so older sibling.

0:49:17.480 --> 0:49:19.200
<v Speaker 2>I have a really good relation with my sister and

0:49:19.320 --> 0:49:21.520
<v Speaker 2>like she sees me that way as well. So yeah, definitely,

0:49:21.520 --> 0:49:23.680
<v Speaker 2>I would say I was good, and I would say

0:49:23.760 --> 0:49:27.200
<v Speaker 2>that as she got older, though I kind of intentionally

0:49:27.200 --> 0:49:30.040
<v Speaker 2>I wouldn't say distance myself, but I intentionally gave her

0:49:30.160 --> 0:49:33.239
<v Speaker 2>space to build up those skills herself, and so I

0:49:33.280 --> 0:49:33.839
<v Speaker 2>started smart.

0:49:33.880 --> 0:49:37.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing that with my brother. Like, Charles, how

0:49:37.680 --> 0:49:40.480
<v Speaker 1>do you feel about everything? Yeah, that's actually very smart.

0:49:40.600 --> 0:49:42.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I just realized over time where it was like

0:49:43.120 --> 0:49:45.480
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want her to wait to wake up one

0:49:45.520 --> 0:49:47.719
<v Speaker 2>day if I wasn't around or whatever it was, or

0:49:47.920 --> 0:49:50.560
<v Speaker 2>even right now I live across you know, the world, right,

0:49:51.080 --> 0:49:53.880
<v Speaker 2>the idea that she didn't have the tools and skills herself,

0:49:54.480 --> 0:49:57.279
<v Speaker 2>and I was really trying to help her build those

0:49:57.320 --> 0:50:00.239
<v Speaker 2>tools and skills herself. And I'm really proud that she's

0:50:00.280 --> 0:50:02.000
<v Speaker 2>been able to do that. And it's taken years of

0:50:02.360 --> 0:50:05.120
<v Speaker 2>doing that, sure, but it's almost like I wish it's

0:50:05.120 --> 0:50:07.160
<v Speaker 2>almost like when you know, when you first start riding

0:50:07.160 --> 0:50:09.359
<v Speaker 2>a bike, you have the stabilizers and your parents push

0:50:09.440 --> 0:50:12.120
<v Speaker 2>the bike. Yeah, and then your parents stop holding onto

0:50:12.160 --> 0:50:13.719
<v Speaker 2>the bike and you just have to stabilize and maybe

0:50:13.760 --> 0:50:15.520
<v Speaker 2>fall off totally, and then you put the stabilizer and

0:50:15.560 --> 0:50:18.120
<v Speaker 2>then they get taken off. But it isn't like your

0:50:18.200 --> 0:50:20.279
<v Speaker 2>parent like pushing you on a bike like when you're

0:50:20.320 --> 0:50:23.960
<v Speaker 2>twenty one years old. And so I feel like with mentorship,

0:50:24.040 --> 0:50:25.920
<v Speaker 2>with coaching, with anyone that I work with, like the

0:50:26.000 --> 0:50:28.840
<v Speaker 2>goals always like how do they develop the tools themselves?

0:50:28.960 --> 0:50:29.560
<v Speaker 1>That's cool?

0:50:30.000 --> 0:50:32.520
<v Speaker 2>What kind of tools do you think you're wanting to

0:50:32.600 --> 0:50:34.560
<v Speaker 2>pass on or what are the lessons then, Oh my god,

0:50:34.800 --> 0:50:37.239
<v Speaker 2>there's only a two year gap, So yeah, you're like

0:50:37.400 --> 0:50:38.560
<v Speaker 2>accelerating your learning.

0:50:38.600 --> 0:50:41.640
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I know, I like I really want

0:50:42.680 --> 0:50:45.480
<v Speaker 1>my brother is so much like me in my like

0:50:45.920 --> 0:50:48.960
<v Speaker 1>worst and best ways. I just want him to like

0:50:49.200 --> 0:50:53.560
<v Speaker 1>not beat himself up so much I went through so granted,

0:50:53.600 --> 0:50:56.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm telling you that I still absolutely do. I don't, however,

0:50:56.840 --> 0:50:59.480
<v Speaker 1>to the extent that I used to. I used to

0:50:59.520 --> 0:51:04.960
<v Speaker 1>beat myself up into bad, bad places. It was tough,

0:51:05.120 --> 0:51:07.040
<v Speaker 1>Like I again, like I couldn't sit with myself, I

0:51:07.080 --> 0:51:10.160
<v Speaker 1>couldn't say something that I was proud of because it

0:51:10.200 --> 0:51:12.120
<v Speaker 1>would be every thought I had would be met with

0:51:12.360 --> 0:51:16.320
<v Speaker 1>something else I didn't do. And I really want that

0:51:16.480 --> 0:51:19.479
<v Speaker 1>for him, really really badly, because I don't I don't

0:51:19.480 --> 0:51:22.920
<v Speaker 1>want I don't want anybody to beat themselves up the

0:51:22.960 --> 0:51:27.360
<v Speaker 1>way that I beat myself up. Jesus Christ, it was exhausting.

0:51:27.400 --> 0:51:30.799
<v Speaker 1>I can tell you firsthand. It's very exhausting. Nobody else

0:51:30.840 --> 0:51:31.840
<v Speaker 1>did't really have to go through that.

0:51:31.920 --> 0:51:33.960
<v Speaker 2>I don't think what age was that. Do you think

0:51:34.040 --> 0:51:35.560
<v Speaker 2>you were like the harshest critic?

0:51:35.719 --> 0:51:37.240
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I mean I feel like it honestly

0:51:37.400 --> 0:51:39.959
<v Speaker 1>just started to be honest. When I started doing music

0:51:40.080 --> 0:51:42.800
<v Speaker 1>and when I got signed, like in June of twenty

0:51:42.880 --> 0:51:47.040
<v Speaker 1>twenty two, my life changed a ton, a ton because

0:51:47.040 --> 0:51:51.640
<v Speaker 1>also I was working in a environment with a bunch

0:51:51.719 --> 0:51:55.320
<v Speaker 1>of people who were choosing to be there and choosing

0:51:55.360 --> 0:51:59.040
<v Speaker 1>to show up for me and choosing to help support

0:51:59.280 --> 0:52:03.080
<v Speaker 1>and then foster the thing that I wanted so badly,

0:52:03.680 --> 0:52:06.880
<v Speaker 1>and I felt like I had big support, Like I

0:52:06.920 --> 0:52:09.440
<v Speaker 1>felt like I had big guns behind me, which was

0:52:09.520 --> 0:52:13.440
<v Speaker 1>a huge, huge, abusive confidence and also made me want

0:52:13.480 --> 0:52:16.120
<v Speaker 1>to work really hard to prove to everybody that believed

0:52:16.160 --> 0:52:18.440
<v Speaker 1>in me and was investing time and money let's be

0:52:18.520 --> 0:52:22.600
<v Speaker 1>clear into me that I was worth it. And I

0:52:22.680 --> 0:52:25.759
<v Speaker 1>don't know, I just felt really like uplifted, and I

0:52:25.880 --> 0:52:28.240
<v Speaker 1>hadn't really felt that in a lot of like working

0:52:28.320 --> 0:52:32.800
<v Speaker 1>situations before. I felt like everybody actually really cared what

0:52:32.880 --> 0:52:35.239
<v Speaker 1>I had to say for the first time, and I

0:52:35.640 --> 0:52:39.080
<v Speaker 1>had never felt that specifically in work never, So it's

0:52:39.160 --> 0:52:40.120
<v Speaker 1>really nice to have that.

0:52:40.640 --> 0:52:44.880
<v Speaker 2>Well, yeah, it's it's amazing, isn't it. It's like we're

0:52:44.920 --> 0:52:50.479
<v Speaker 2>constantly looking again for that external just kind of hard

0:52:50.560 --> 0:52:53.480
<v Speaker 2>and it's always it was so programmed that way.

0:52:53.800 --> 0:52:56.240
<v Speaker 1>I write music for a living, like I make songs

0:52:56.280 --> 0:52:58.560
<v Speaker 1>for a living, for people to listen to, like you

0:52:58.640 --> 0:53:01.279
<v Speaker 1>know what I mean, like in a way that's inherently that.

0:53:01.400 --> 0:53:02.680
<v Speaker 1>And that's not to say that I don't do it

0:53:02.760 --> 0:53:06.279
<v Speaker 1>for myself at all. I absolutely do, but like you know,

0:53:07.040 --> 0:53:09.719
<v Speaker 1>I go to a concert to perform, not for people

0:53:09.800 --> 0:53:12.200
<v Speaker 1>to not have fun and not enjoy it.

0:53:12.520 --> 0:53:16.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, what do you think that when you were obviously

0:53:16.920 --> 0:53:19.359
<v Speaker 2>you didn't You didn't go to college because you were

0:53:19.760 --> 0:53:21.400
<v Speaker 2>trying to, you know, get into the industry. You were

0:53:21.440 --> 0:53:23.000
<v Speaker 2>just saying that when you were young, you wanted to,

0:53:23.920 --> 0:53:25.879
<v Speaker 2>you know, figure out the Disney thing or figure out

0:53:25.920 --> 0:53:28.960
<v Speaker 2>this thing or whatever it may be. Absolutely imagine you

0:53:31.480 --> 0:53:36.359
<v Speaker 2>sitting with ten year old Renee right now, what does

0:53:36.440 --> 0:53:37.080
<v Speaker 2>she need to hear?

0:53:38.160 --> 0:53:43.799
<v Speaker 1>I similar to have lived with a lot of ears

0:53:43.840 --> 0:53:48.160
<v Speaker 1>of beating myself up. I used to just live with

0:53:48.239 --> 0:53:52.759
<v Speaker 1>this like inherently guilt and regret like the cloud over me,

0:53:53.080 --> 0:53:56.200
<v Speaker 1>like just in a big way. And I used to

0:53:56.280 --> 0:53:58.080
<v Speaker 1>think that like, oh, I would tell my younger self

0:53:58.160 --> 0:53:59.759
<v Speaker 1>to do like this and this and this better like

0:53:59.800 --> 0:54:03.520
<v Speaker 1>this d d DA. I am now like really deciding

0:54:03.640 --> 0:54:06.160
<v Speaker 1>to like not regret any of it. That's not to

0:54:06.280 --> 0:54:08.320
<v Speaker 1>say that I don't want to hold myself accountable for

0:54:08.440 --> 0:54:10.520
<v Speaker 1>things that I've done that aren't great, or for things

0:54:10.560 --> 0:54:14.000
<v Speaker 1>that I inevitably will do that are not good, or

0:54:14.160 --> 0:54:17.799
<v Speaker 1>that you know, don't serve myself for other people. That's

0:54:17.840 --> 0:54:21.480
<v Speaker 1>a separate conversation. This is more about I'm really so

0:54:21.680 --> 0:54:25.640
<v Speaker 1>incredibly proud of like such a lively, spunky, monstrous, little

0:54:25.680 --> 0:54:29.640
<v Speaker 1>like ten year old girl who was so fearless, so fearless,

0:54:29.680 --> 0:54:33.640
<v Speaker 1>like I was a rambunctious kid. I was crazy. I

0:54:33.760 --> 0:54:36.480
<v Speaker 1>was inviting everybody in the neighborhood to my concerts on

0:54:36.560 --> 0:54:39.719
<v Speaker 1>the fireplace, I was forcing people to come and listen

0:54:39.800 --> 0:54:44.319
<v Speaker 1>to me, saying I was screaming for people to pay

0:54:44.360 --> 0:54:47.160
<v Speaker 1>attention to me. And I'm really really glad that I

0:54:47.280 --> 0:54:50.160
<v Speaker 1>did that. And I would just say, like, do everything

0:54:50.200 --> 0:54:51.920
<v Speaker 1>how you feel like you're going to, and when you

0:54:52.040 --> 0:54:55.640
<v Speaker 1>mess up, just listen to yourself that you've you've messed up.

0:54:56.080 --> 0:54:58.759
<v Speaker 1>I would honestly just say, like everything she did was great,

0:54:59.560 --> 0:55:04.120
<v Speaker 1>happy to be here. In you know, failures and in wins.

0:55:04.440 --> 0:55:06.719
<v Speaker 2>You've talked about being so self aware, and you can

0:55:06.800 --> 0:55:08.440
<v Speaker 2>hear it when you're you know, when I'm talking to

0:55:08.480 --> 0:55:10.799
<v Speaker 2>you today, I'm like, there's such an awareness of who

0:55:10.840 --> 0:55:13.400
<v Speaker 2>you were. There's such an awareness of who you are,

0:55:13.520 --> 0:55:15.960
<v Speaker 2>what you're feeling at this stage in your life. What

0:55:16.040 --> 0:55:18.839
<v Speaker 2>are you hoping to unlearn for the future and learn

0:55:18.920 --> 0:55:20.279
<v Speaker 2>for the future. If there was one thing you had

0:55:20.320 --> 0:55:23.200
<v Speaker 2>to unlearn that you've developed, and if there's one thing

0:55:23.239 --> 0:55:24.759
<v Speaker 2>you had to learn, what would you say they are?

0:55:25.160 --> 0:55:27.680
<v Speaker 1>I would say something that I would like to learn

0:55:28.239 --> 0:55:32.640
<v Speaker 1>is how to Like I'm so hyper aware of when

0:55:32.640 --> 0:55:34.839
<v Speaker 1>I do this in situations, and I try so hard

0:55:34.920 --> 0:55:39.480
<v Speaker 1>not to whenever someone is talking about something that they've

0:55:39.600 --> 0:55:43.040
<v Speaker 1>experienced with somebody else, like if somebody has hurt their feelings, right,

0:55:43.120 --> 0:55:45.240
<v Speaker 1>like if my best friend's talking to me about someone

0:55:45.280 --> 0:55:48.960
<v Speaker 1>who has hurt them or harmed them or done them wrong.

0:55:49.080 --> 0:55:52.160
<v Speaker 1>In the smallest or biggest sense of the word, all

0:55:52.360 --> 0:55:55.360
<v Speaker 1>I can think in my brain is like, when have

0:55:55.440 --> 0:55:56.920
<v Speaker 1>I done that in my life? And just start like

0:55:57.040 --> 0:55:59.600
<v Speaker 1>spiraling down this like I remember when I did that

0:55:59.719 --> 0:56:01.239
<v Speaker 1>to so and so, and like I need to call

0:56:01.280 --> 0:56:02.759
<v Speaker 1>this person and be like, I'm so sorry for what

0:56:02.840 --> 0:56:04.360
<v Speaker 1>I put you through when we're like four, Like you

0:56:04.440 --> 0:56:06.400
<v Speaker 1>know what I mean, And I really would like to

0:56:06.560 --> 0:56:10.239
<v Speaker 1>not center myself in what somebody else is talking about

0:56:10.280 --> 0:56:13.799
<v Speaker 1>and it's not at least it's not consciously a selfish thing,

0:56:14.200 --> 0:56:18.759
<v Speaker 1>like I'm not actively trying to make my friend's grievance

0:56:18.960 --> 0:56:22.400
<v Speaker 1>about myself. I do, and I hate it because then

0:56:22.440 --> 0:56:23.879
<v Speaker 1>I'm also like, oh my god, now I'm not as

0:56:23.920 --> 0:56:26.440
<v Speaker 1>present with like my friend who's being so sweet and

0:56:26.680 --> 0:56:30.360
<v Speaker 1>vulnerable with me, and now I'm doing a disservice to

0:56:30.440 --> 0:56:35.000
<v Speaker 1>her by by not, you know, listening to her fully

0:56:35.160 --> 0:56:38.120
<v Speaker 1>and being so hyper conscious of like how I've acted

0:56:38.239 --> 0:56:40.520
<v Speaker 1>or how I could have possibly showed up that way.

0:56:40.960 --> 0:56:43.160
<v Speaker 1>I really want to unlearn that. I'm trying so hard

0:56:43.239 --> 0:56:46.960
<v Speaker 1>not to do that. I hate when I do that. Granted,

0:56:47.000 --> 0:56:48.799
<v Speaker 1>if I just keep beating myself up for it, then

0:56:48.800 --> 0:56:49.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to do it for the rest of my

0:56:49.920 --> 0:56:51.440
<v Speaker 1>life and then I'm never going to like give myself

0:56:51.480 --> 0:56:55.120
<v Speaker 1>grace for it something that I want to Well, I

0:56:55.160 --> 0:56:57.359
<v Speaker 1>guess that's kind of learning, and I'm learning another thing

0:56:57.360 --> 0:56:59.200
<v Speaker 1>that I want to like learn and learn. I need

0:56:59.280 --> 0:57:03.200
<v Speaker 1>a little more like internal patients. I need internal patience.

0:57:03.239 --> 0:57:07.680
<v Speaker 1>I need internal patients and external judgment really quick, Like

0:57:07.800 --> 0:57:10.359
<v Speaker 1>I really need a lot of internal patients. I also

0:57:10.480 --> 0:57:14.320
<v Speaker 1>need to like not give people who have hurt me

0:57:14.760 --> 0:57:17.880
<v Speaker 1>or done me wrong as much slack, Like it's okay

0:57:18.640 --> 0:57:23.720
<v Speaker 1>to like say that, like no, thank you. I'm good

0:57:23.760 --> 0:57:25.959
<v Speaker 1>at like being done when I'm done, but it takes

0:57:26.040 --> 0:57:28.840
<v Speaker 1>me a second, right, you know, Like I think, like

0:57:28.960 --> 0:57:30.919
<v Speaker 1>with that group of friends, like I should have taken

0:57:31.080 --> 0:57:35.520
<v Speaker 1>maybe two things that happened before I ended up, like

0:57:35.640 --> 0:57:37.720
<v Speaker 1>face up, you know before that.

0:57:38.080 --> 0:57:40.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it doesn't need to get to that extract correct

0:57:40.880 --> 0:57:43.800
<v Speaker 2>those great answers, Yeah, great answers. How have you how

0:57:43.800 --> 0:57:46.240
<v Speaker 2>have you kind of navigated the the you know again,

0:57:46.280 --> 0:57:48.640
<v Speaker 2>we're doing much change you've talked about before, Like I

0:57:48.720 --> 0:57:50.640
<v Speaker 2>think you were struggling with the eating disorder when you

0:57:50.680 --> 0:57:54.720
<v Speaker 2>were ten. You've talked obviously about how you've had, you know,

0:57:55.320 --> 0:57:57.960
<v Speaker 2>the gray area of your sexuality, like figuring that out.

0:57:58.040 --> 0:58:02.040
<v Speaker 2>Like how have you got comfortable navigating like the gray when.

0:58:01.920 --> 0:58:05.040
<v Speaker 1>It comes to like eating disorders, I think at least

0:58:05.080 --> 0:58:07.880
<v Speaker 1>and this is not necessarily everyone else's opinion, but how

0:58:07.960 --> 0:58:12.680
<v Speaker 1>I perceive it myself is eating disorders are something that

0:58:12.840 --> 0:58:17.240
<v Speaker 1>you are always going to deal with and always going

0:58:17.320 --> 0:58:20.600
<v Speaker 1>to have, right. And this is not to compare it

0:58:20.720 --> 0:58:24.880
<v Speaker 1>to alcoholism, because it is in nowhere the same or

0:58:25.040 --> 0:58:27.680
<v Speaker 1>different or whatever, it's not a comparison, but it is

0:58:27.800 --> 0:58:30.440
<v Speaker 1>to say that like with alcohol, you can decide to

0:58:30.520 --> 0:58:33.360
<v Speaker 1>put yourself in situations where there is going to be

0:58:33.400 --> 0:58:36.040
<v Speaker 1>alcohol there or not, or like you are going to

0:58:36.400 --> 0:58:39.160
<v Speaker 1>decide whether to drink or not, you are never going

0:58:39.240 --> 0:58:41.120
<v Speaker 1>to decide whether you can eat or not.

0:58:41.320 --> 0:58:41.920
<v Speaker 4>You have to.

0:58:42.400 --> 0:58:42.840
<v Speaker 2>You have to.

0:58:43.160 --> 0:58:46.080
<v Speaker 1>And again that is not to like put down or

0:58:46.800 --> 0:58:50.720
<v Speaker 1>make little of alcoholism or any sort of struggle like that.

0:58:51.000 --> 0:58:53.240
<v Speaker 1>My dad has been so over my whole life, but

0:58:53.400 --> 0:58:56.439
<v Speaker 1>is an alcoholic, and this is something we talk about

0:58:56.600 --> 0:58:59.919
<v Speaker 1>constantly and try to better understand each other. It's hard

0:59:00.160 --> 0:59:02.720
<v Speaker 1>with an eating disorder that is just constantly going to

0:59:02.760 --> 0:59:05.720
<v Speaker 1>be around you. You have to eat to survive. So

0:59:05.880 --> 0:59:08.520
<v Speaker 1>that's a constant gray area for me. I feel like

0:59:08.600 --> 0:59:11.240
<v Speaker 1>I talk about it every day, so it's always just

0:59:11.400 --> 0:59:13.880
<v Speaker 1>like how did I do with it today? Or how

0:59:13.920 --> 0:59:15.960
<v Speaker 1>am I going to do with it tomorrow. It's like

0:59:16.200 --> 0:59:19.640
<v Speaker 1>living in a gray area, which is really frustrating because

0:59:19.640 --> 0:59:21.440
<v Speaker 1>I think to myself a lot like I would love

0:59:21.520 --> 0:59:23.600
<v Speaker 1>for this to be gone, but it is just not

0:59:23.840 --> 0:59:26.080
<v Speaker 1>something that I'm never going to deal with. If I

0:59:26.240 --> 0:59:29.840
<v Speaker 1>want to continue to be alive, I'm gonna be eating

0:59:30.520 --> 0:59:32.640
<v Speaker 1>and I'm gonna have food around me, and that's going

0:59:32.720 --> 0:59:36.840
<v Speaker 1>to make me feel crazy some days and out of

0:59:36.960 --> 0:59:42.040
<v Speaker 1>control and insecure and really proud of myself and in

0:59:42.160 --> 0:59:44.880
<v Speaker 1>full control other days. So there's a gray area with

0:59:44.960 --> 0:59:50.120
<v Speaker 1>that constantly. When it comes to like sexuality, that's a

0:59:50.160 --> 0:59:52.800
<v Speaker 1>whole other gray area that, like, at least for me,

0:59:54.920 --> 0:59:58.520
<v Speaker 1>I over the last like six or seven months, have

0:59:58.760 --> 1:00:04.120
<v Speaker 1>become less at least right now. But I think this

1:00:04.280 --> 1:00:08.320
<v Speaker 1>is gonna sound so silly, but like I try too,

1:00:08.680 --> 1:00:10.960
<v Speaker 1>And granted this is also very easy for me to say,

1:00:11.000 --> 1:00:15.640
<v Speaker 1>because like I am a queer person who like is

1:00:15.720 --> 1:00:17.479
<v Speaker 1>still at the end of the day like a white

1:00:17.520 --> 1:00:20.200
<v Speaker 1>woman and his sisgender, and like I also am bisexual,

1:00:20.320 --> 1:00:24.200
<v Speaker 1>so like I'm going to be in heteronormative relationships inevitably

1:00:24.480 --> 1:00:28.800
<v Speaker 1>just based off of being bisexual potentially. I think for

1:00:28.960 --> 1:00:32.480
<v Speaker 1>me it is easy to say, but I try to

1:00:32.600 --> 1:00:36.160
<v Speaker 1>like view like the gray area or times when I'm

1:00:36.240 --> 1:00:39.720
<v Speaker 1>like struggling for like a label if I don't feel

1:00:39.800 --> 1:00:42.600
<v Speaker 1>like I'll go through conversations with like my girlfriend constantly

1:00:42.640 --> 1:00:45.760
<v Speaker 1>and I'll be like, I actually feel incredibly not bisexual

1:00:45.880 --> 1:00:47.720
<v Speaker 1>right now, like, and it's it's silly, but there are

1:00:47.720 --> 1:00:49.480
<v Speaker 1>things we talk about all the time, both of us

1:00:49.600 --> 1:00:51.520
<v Speaker 1>with each other, and I'm just gonna try to view

1:00:51.520 --> 1:00:53.960
<v Speaker 1>it as like a little pink area, like it's all good,

1:00:54.080 --> 1:00:56.920
<v Speaker 1>it's all cool, it's pink, it's good, it's good, whatever

1:00:57.040 --> 1:01:00.120
<v Speaker 1>it is. Like, if I one day feel like this

1:01:00.280 --> 1:01:03.240
<v Speaker 1>label or whatever or lack thereof does not suit me,

1:01:03.560 --> 1:01:05.840
<v Speaker 1>then that's great. And that does not suit me, And

1:01:05.880 --> 1:01:08.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm very fortunate to be able to make that decision

1:01:08.960 --> 1:01:12.280
<v Speaker 1>and have that not affect my life in an incredibly

1:01:12.640 --> 1:01:15.600
<v Speaker 1>massive way. A lot of other people are not. But

1:01:16.120 --> 1:01:18.919
<v Speaker 1>I view it as a little pink area. It's just good.

1:01:19.600 --> 1:01:23.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm trying not to be so angry with myself about it.

1:01:23.600 --> 1:01:27.640
<v Speaker 1>I struggled to like want a rhyme and a reason

1:01:27.720 --> 1:01:29.800
<v Speaker 1>and a label and a season to make sense every

1:01:29.840 --> 1:01:33.760
<v Speaker 1>single day, and I'm just not there, yea. And I

1:01:33.960 --> 1:01:35.919
<v Speaker 1>don't think a lot of people are. So I think

1:01:36.560 --> 1:01:39.360
<v Speaker 1>it's fine. Like straight people at least as far as

1:01:39.360 --> 1:01:40.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm concerned. I don't like wake up every day and

1:01:40.960 --> 1:01:42.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh my god, what level of straight am

1:01:42.560 --> 1:01:45.000
<v Speaker 1>I today? And then if you are one of those people,

1:01:45.040 --> 1:01:46.680
<v Speaker 1>you're likely queer, so you.

1:01:46.760 --> 1:01:50.040
<v Speaker 2>Know, yeah, we're so hardwired to be like, you have

1:01:50.240 --> 1:01:53.600
<v Speaker 2>to choose an answer. Oh yeah, whether it was school,

1:01:53.680 --> 1:01:56.360
<v Speaker 2>whether it was parents. Who's like, there's always one right answer.

1:01:56.440 --> 1:01:58.480
<v Speaker 2>You had to figure it out. There were no other options,

1:01:58.560 --> 1:02:00.560
<v Speaker 2>there was no great yeah, right or wrong?

1:02:00.800 --> 1:02:01.000
<v Speaker 1>Yes?

1:02:01.200 --> 1:02:02.840
<v Speaker 2>And so I think we still live in the right

1:02:02.960 --> 1:02:06.120
<v Speaker 2>or wrong and so it's really hard to be like, well,

1:02:06.160 --> 1:02:07.560
<v Speaker 2>if I don't have the right answer, I must have

1:02:07.640 --> 1:02:09.720
<v Speaker 2>the wrong answer. But I know this isn't wrong because

1:02:09.720 --> 1:02:11.360
<v Speaker 2>it's how I feel. So then how do I make

1:02:11.400 --> 1:02:14.920
<v Speaker 2>it right? And it's so confusing And so I love

1:02:15.000 --> 1:02:16.720
<v Speaker 2>the pink. I love the pink.

1:02:16.840 --> 1:02:22.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, just a little pink area. I'm just I love it.

1:02:23.720 --> 1:02:26.600
<v Speaker 2>Renee, You've been so vulnerable, so gracious, so kind of

1:02:26.680 --> 1:02:29.280
<v Speaker 2>your time today. I'm so grateful to get to know

1:02:29.400 --> 1:02:31.479
<v Speaker 2>you today, and thank you for letting us into your mind.

1:02:31.520 --> 1:02:33.440
<v Speaker 2>You know, I really feel when I was sitting with

1:02:33.520 --> 1:02:35.400
<v Speaker 2>you today, I was like, you really just kind of

1:02:35.480 --> 1:02:37.680
<v Speaker 2>opened up your mind and let us walk in. And

1:02:37.920 --> 1:02:40.720
<v Speaker 2>I appreciate that because it's hard to do that. And

1:02:41.000 --> 1:02:43.680
<v Speaker 2>I felt like you opened up some cupboards and some drawers,

1:02:44.080 --> 1:02:47.120
<v Speaker 2>you know. But Renee, we end every on Purpose episode

1:02:47.160 --> 1:02:49.680
<v Speaker 2>with a fast five. These final five have to be

1:02:49.760 --> 1:02:53.240
<v Speaker 2>answered in one word to one sentence maximum. I may

1:02:53.320 --> 1:02:56.360
<v Speaker 2>ask you to expand and I'll let you know. All right, So, Renee,

1:02:56.600 --> 1:02:58.960
<v Speaker 2>these are your final five or fast five. Question one,

1:02:59.040 --> 1:03:01.880
<v Speaker 2>what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?

1:03:02.440 --> 1:03:03.680
<v Speaker 1>Integrity over everything?

1:03:03.800 --> 1:03:08.320
<v Speaker 2>M okay, great. Second question, what is the worst advice

1:03:08.520 --> 1:03:10.600
<v Speaker 2>you've ever heard or received? Oh?

1:03:10.680 --> 1:03:13.960
<v Speaker 1>Just stop trying to care? My god, you see hear that.

1:03:14.000 --> 1:03:17.840
<v Speaker 2>All the time, going, yeah, you are gonna care?

1:03:18.040 --> 1:03:19.760
<v Speaker 1>Like, are you kidding me? Now? I care more because

1:03:19.800 --> 1:03:23.680
<v Speaker 1>I care about not caring. Ridiculous.

1:03:23.840 --> 1:03:25.520
<v Speaker 2>Oh god, that's a good one. We've never had that

1:03:25.600 --> 1:03:27.120
<v Speaker 2>on the show before. I like that, all right. Question

1:03:27.240 --> 1:03:30.000
<v Speaker 2>number three, what's the part of yourself that you're most

1:03:30.080 --> 1:03:31.120
<v Speaker 2>deeply trying to love?

1:03:31.760 --> 1:03:34.440
<v Speaker 1>This is very two things for me. First, first and

1:03:34.560 --> 1:03:37.200
<v Speaker 1>foremost my mistakes, things that I've done that I don't

1:03:37.240 --> 1:03:38.800
<v Speaker 1>agree with, the things that I've done that I'm not

1:03:38.880 --> 1:03:41.680
<v Speaker 1>proud of. I'm trying to like make peace with them,

1:03:41.720 --> 1:03:44.000
<v Speaker 1>I guess is a better word, and do better from them.

1:03:44.400 --> 1:03:46.680
<v Speaker 1>And second, like, honestly is somebody like.

1:03:46.760 --> 1:03:52.520
<v Speaker 3>With incredible incredible you know, lengths of difficulty of eating disorders,

1:03:52.600 --> 1:03:55.280
<v Speaker 3>like my like body and like the like skin that

1:03:55.360 --> 1:03:57.360
<v Speaker 3>I like live in and like my like vessel that

1:03:57.440 --> 1:03:58.960
<v Speaker 3>I just like operate in.

1:04:00.120 --> 1:04:02.160
<v Speaker 1>Very very hard for me, so hard.

1:04:02.040 --> 1:04:08.040
<v Speaker 2>For me, Thank you. Okay. Question number four, what's something

1:04:08.200 --> 1:04:14.520
<v Speaker 2>that you think people value but you don't really value keeping.

1:04:14.320 --> 1:04:15.520
<v Speaker 1>It cool all the time?

1:04:15.680 --> 1:04:15.800
<v Speaker 2>Oh?

1:04:15.920 --> 1:04:19.520
<v Speaker 1>Interesting, I'm very pro and this is just who I am.

1:04:19.600 --> 1:04:21.720
<v Speaker 1>And I guess maybe how I was raised or high work,

1:04:21.800 --> 1:04:25.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure. I love to just like let your

1:04:25.760 --> 1:04:28.520
<v Speaker 1>emotions get the best of themselves sometimes. I think that's

1:04:29.440 --> 1:04:32.920
<v Speaker 1>really important, at least it is for me. I'm very

1:04:33.120 --> 1:04:36.640
<v Speaker 1>very anti keep it in and deal with it and

1:04:36.760 --> 1:04:40.080
<v Speaker 1>like try to regulate your emotions. I think that like,

1:04:40.160 --> 1:04:42.240
<v Speaker 1>if you need them to be big in a way,

1:04:42.720 --> 1:04:45.040
<v Speaker 1>let them be big in a way that feels like

1:04:45.200 --> 1:04:48.720
<v Speaker 1>safe and careful for like yourself and the people you're around,

1:04:49.360 --> 1:04:52.600
<v Speaker 1>because if not, then that's just so stupid.

1:04:52.880 --> 1:04:53.120
<v Speaker 4>I was.

1:04:53.240 --> 1:04:55.240
<v Speaker 1>I was shamed for so many years. This is not

1:04:55.320 --> 1:04:56.960
<v Speaker 1>a short answer. I was shamed for so many years

1:04:56.960 --> 1:04:59.920
<v Speaker 1>of my life for being so hyper emotional and crying

1:05:00.080 --> 1:05:04.160
<v Speaker 1>so much and like getting angry so fast. And that

1:05:04.360 --> 1:05:07.840
<v Speaker 1>is something I just I don't value the like being

1:05:08.000 --> 1:05:12.240
<v Speaker 1>quiet and like the controlling your emotions and keeping things

1:05:12.320 --> 1:05:15.080
<v Speaker 1>at bay. I value like being very true to how

1:05:15.160 --> 1:05:16.800
<v Speaker 1>you feel, whether that's a good feeling or not.

1:05:17.360 --> 1:05:20.280
<v Speaker 2>That's powerful. Yeah, And how have you found a way

1:05:20.280 --> 1:05:21.800
<v Speaker 2>of doing that in a way that it doesn't you

1:05:21.880 --> 1:05:24.240
<v Speaker 2>said you said a statement you're like to be mindful of,

1:05:24.320 --> 1:05:26.240
<v Speaker 2>Like you didn't say mindful what you said to be

1:05:26.760 --> 1:05:29.720
<v Speaker 2>aware of how it affects yourself and people your love, Like,

1:05:29.960 --> 1:05:31.960
<v Speaker 2>how do you kind of get that? Because sometimes, like

1:05:32.040 --> 1:05:34.480
<v Speaker 2>you said, an emotion could be so big and so

1:05:34.760 --> 1:05:37.480
<v Speaker 2>real and so visceral. But then how do you kind

1:05:37.480 --> 1:05:39.520
<v Speaker 2>of how have you found a way to do that,

1:05:39.680 --> 1:05:41.120
<v Speaker 2>or at least how are you trying to find a

1:05:41.160 --> 1:05:41.600
<v Speaker 2>way to do that.

1:05:41.720 --> 1:05:45.440
<v Speaker 1>I have in beating myself up less. I'm not like

1:05:45.560 --> 1:05:50.200
<v Speaker 1>a physical danger to myself, which is great because I

1:05:50.400 --> 1:05:53.880
<v Speaker 1>used to like get really really really angry, and like

1:05:54.400 --> 1:05:58.680
<v Speaker 1>I would, like you know, so many people do. I

1:05:58.720 --> 1:06:00.320
<v Speaker 1>don't know like what it is or what it isn't.

1:06:00.440 --> 1:06:02.200
<v Speaker 1>My dad and I have talked about this at length,

1:06:02.320 --> 1:06:04.920
<v Speaker 1>because he said he did the same things as I

1:06:05.040 --> 1:06:06.920
<v Speaker 1>did as a kid. But like I would either like

1:06:07.120 --> 1:06:09.440
<v Speaker 1>like bang my head against the wall or like like

1:06:09.600 --> 1:06:11.920
<v Speaker 1>hit my arms or things like that, or like tweak

1:06:11.960 --> 1:06:14.640
<v Speaker 1>out or freak out, and the more I've stopped like

1:06:15.160 --> 1:06:17.320
<v Speaker 1>beating myself up for it, and the more I've just

1:06:17.360 --> 1:06:19.000
<v Speaker 1>been like, oh, these are just things that I feel,

1:06:19.040 --> 1:06:21.240
<v Speaker 1>and I feel in a really big way. And the

1:06:21.320 --> 1:06:23.480
<v Speaker 1>more I'm around people who allow me to feel in

1:06:23.520 --> 1:06:28.240
<v Speaker 1>a big way, the less I hurt myself, the less

1:06:28.360 --> 1:06:30.120
<v Speaker 1>I like feel the need to like bang my head

1:06:30.160 --> 1:06:34.840
<v Speaker 1>against so all. I feel like if I'm around somebody

1:06:34.920 --> 1:06:37.360
<v Speaker 1>who's like, oh, this is upsetting you, that's okay, that's

1:06:37.600 --> 1:06:39.440
<v Speaker 1>that upsets you, I don't even get to that point.

1:06:40.040 --> 1:06:42.040
<v Speaker 1>So for me, it's about like the company I keep

1:06:42.160 --> 1:06:45.600
<v Speaker 1>and the things that people are saying to me. That

1:06:45.760 --> 1:06:48.040
<v Speaker 1>being said, I also know that like certain people in

1:06:48.160 --> 1:06:52.440
<v Speaker 1>my life, like my mom, for instance, is the greatest.

1:06:53.440 --> 1:06:57.040
<v Speaker 1>My mom does not like to see me incredibly upset

1:06:57.120 --> 1:06:59.280
<v Speaker 1>all the time. And that's not to say she can't

1:06:59.360 --> 1:07:01.600
<v Speaker 1>deal with me upset, but that is to say that

1:07:02.080 --> 1:07:04.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm an adult and I know that I don't want

1:07:04.680 --> 1:07:07.640
<v Speaker 1>to put my mother through turmoil every day by calling

1:07:07.720 --> 1:07:10.040
<v Speaker 1>her and telling the telling her the ten things that

1:07:10.240 --> 1:07:12.640
<v Speaker 1>upset me, because she lives three thousand miles away from

1:07:12.640 --> 1:07:14.840
<v Speaker 1>me and will panic, you know. So it's like it's

1:07:14.840 --> 1:07:17.200
<v Speaker 1>about going to the right people and I go to her,

1:07:17.360 --> 1:07:20.200
<v Speaker 1>of course, but like not in a way that he's

1:07:20.320 --> 1:07:23.920
<v Speaker 1>gonna upset her or hurt her day, because I you know,

1:07:24.400 --> 1:07:28.560
<v Speaker 1>she's my mama. But yeah, yeah, I think the company

1:07:28.720 --> 1:07:29.360
<v Speaker 1>keep is important.

1:07:29.720 --> 1:07:33.080
<v Speaker 2>Fifth and final question, if you could create wels to

1:07:33.120 --> 1:07:35.200
<v Speaker 2>every single guest who's ever been on. If you could

1:07:35.280 --> 1:07:38.040
<v Speaker 2>create one law that everyone in the world had to follow,

1:07:38.520 --> 1:07:39.040
<v Speaker 2>what would it be?

1:07:39.240 --> 1:07:39.720
<v Speaker 1>What's a law?

1:07:40.080 --> 1:07:48.000
<v Speaker 2>A law? What is that my accent, my accident? Yeah, folklore? Law?

1:07:48.320 --> 1:07:51.240
<v Speaker 1>That is the right law? Law at no, no, no, no,

1:07:51.520 --> 1:07:52.840
<v Speaker 1>say lore, I like it.

1:07:53.040 --> 1:07:53.240
<v Speaker 4>Law.

1:07:54.920 --> 1:07:58.720
<v Speaker 1>What is one law or law that I would like

1:07:58.840 --> 1:08:01.760
<v Speaker 1>everybody to follow. I grew up in North Carolina, I

1:08:01.840 --> 1:08:04.080
<v Speaker 1>grew up in the South. Like I would love like

1:08:04.240 --> 1:08:10.720
<v Speaker 1>a law where everybody was just like not so hateful personally.

1:08:10.840 --> 1:08:13.200
<v Speaker 1>I would love that the town that I grew up in,

1:08:13.360 --> 1:08:15.640
<v Speaker 1>like you drive right out of the neighborhood and that's

1:08:15.680 --> 1:08:18.920
<v Speaker 1>like a dangerous place for like friends of mine to

1:08:19.080 --> 1:08:21.679
<v Speaker 1>be in. I would love if we just like maybe

1:08:21.760 --> 1:08:24.439
<v Speaker 1>weren't like incredibly hateful.

1:08:24.560 --> 1:08:28.040
<v Speaker 2>That's a good look. Renee wrap everyone's snow angel. I'm

1:08:28.120 --> 1:08:30.760
<v Speaker 2>so grateful to have your time and energy, and I

1:08:30.840 --> 1:08:32.519
<v Speaker 2>know everyone's going to be streaming more and more, and

1:08:32.600 --> 1:08:35.040
<v Speaker 2>I can't wait to have you back on years from

1:08:35.080 --> 1:08:37.400
<v Speaker 2>now and to learn more about what you've unlearned, what

1:08:37.479 --> 1:08:40.360
<v Speaker 2>you've learned, what you've gained wisdom along the way. I'm

1:08:40.400 --> 1:08:41.439
<v Speaker 2>to hear about your brother too.

1:08:41.760 --> 1:08:43.240
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, he's a cute Thanks.

1:08:43.720 --> 1:08:45.839
<v Speaker 2>I love it. Renee, thank you so much. And everyone's

1:08:45.840 --> 1:08:48.479
<v Speaker 2>been listening or watching. Make sure that you tag Renee

1:08:48.520 --> 1:08:50.200
<v Speaker 2>and I with the things that stood out to you,

1:08:50.360 --> 1:08:52.760
<v Speaker 2>the words that came from her that meant something to you.

1:08:52.920 --> 1:08:55.920
<v Speaker 2>Maybe you've had similar experiences or things you've been through

1:08:56.000 --> 1:08:57.920
<v Speaker 2>that you want to share back with us. Please do

1:08:58.040 --> 1:09:01.040
<v Speaker 2>tag both of us across TikTok, Instagram, and across any

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<v Speaker 2>social media platform that you're using to make sure that

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<v Speaker 2>we see it. Renee, thank you so much again.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm you're the sweeterest.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, such a sweetheart.

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<v Speaker 2>Such a pleasure.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you appreciate it.

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<v Speaker 2>If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with

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<v Speaker 2>Megan Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be

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<v Speaker 2>confident from the inside out.

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<v Speaker 4>My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for

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<v Speaker 4>five minutes. It was already tough for me to love

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<v Speaker 4>my body, but after the C section scarf with all

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<v Speaker 4>the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've

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<v Speaker 4>been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I

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<v Speaker 4>was like, you know what, her thigh is a cute