1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours. 2 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 1: I didn't want to find out what happened. I want revenge, peace, 3 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:14,360 Speaker 1: calling everything to everyone. It's real rapping a bit. I 4 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: was shamed for so many years for being so hyper 5 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: emotional and crying so much and like getting angry so fast. 6 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then 7 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,600 Speaker 1: be like clapped in the face. I don't want that. 8 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 1: I value like being very true to how you feel, 9 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: whether that's a good feeling or not. 10 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 2: That's powerful. Before we jump into this episode, I'd like 11 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,520 Speaker 2: to invite you to join this community to hear more 12 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 2: interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. 13 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 2: All I want you to do is click on the 14 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,160 Speaker 2: subscribe button. I love your support. It's incredible to see 15 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,200 Speaker 2: all your comments, and we're just getting started. I can't 16 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 2: wait to go on this journey with you. Thank you 17 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,479 Speaker 2: so much for subscribing. It means the world to me. 18 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,280 Speaker 2: The best selling authoring the post the number one healthy 19 00:00:55,360 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 2: well inness podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Welcome back 20 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 21 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 2: Thanks to each and every single one of you that 22 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,959 Speaker 2: keep coming back every week to listen, learn, and grow. 23 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 2: Now you know that the conversations we want to have 24 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 2: on this platform are conversations with the heart and soul, 25 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 2: conversations of the mind, conversations that help us become better, 26 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 2: live better, evolve, understand our authentic selves and share that 27 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 2: journey with our friends. And today's guest is someone who 28 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 2: I believe has been on a roller coaster of a 29 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 2: journey and trying to navigate that and manage that with 30 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 2: grace and with contentment in a way that I'm excited 31 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,399 Speaker 2: to explore today and get curious about. Today's guest is 32 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,560 Speaker 2: Renee Rap and she knew she was born to perform 33 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 2: ever since she was a kid. Renee's career took off 34 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 2: when she landed the coveted role of Regina George in 35 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 2: the Tony nominated Mean Girls Musical on Broadway. Shortly after, 36 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 2: Renee found widespread recognition and praise from the likes of 37 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 2: Harper's Bizarre and The Hollywood Reporter for her performance as 38 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 2: Lie on the HBO Max series The Sex Lives of 39 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 2: College Girls, Big Fan over Here. Renee then turned her 40 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 2: attention back to music, sharing her threadbare insecurities on her 41 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,760 Speaker 2: debut single Tattoos, and the multi hyphene entire debut headline 42 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,160 Speaker 2: tour sold out in a matter of minutes. Her inspiring 43 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 2: single too Well has impacted the top forty and Renee's 44 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:26,240 Speaker 2: discography has amassed over two one hundred million streams and counting. 45 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,079 Speaker 2: And today we're talking about her new work, which I 46 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 2: can't wait to dive into. Renee, Welcome to the show. 47 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: Thanks thanks for having me. 48 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 2: Honestly, I feel like you've been through so much change, 49 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:39,000 Speaker 2: so many, you know, career paths, And then I was like, yeah, 50 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 2: you're so young as well, and I was like, Wow, 51 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 2: it's so much that you've been through. And I guess 52 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 2: my first question is how do you feel about where 53 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,639 Speaker 2: you've landed now? 54 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 1: Like? 55 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 2: Who is the Renee today? What version of this is you? 56 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,359 Speaker 2: How are you feeling? 57 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, my manager and I were just talking about this 58 00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: in the car. Every couple months, I get into this 59 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 1: new wave of like where like something really settles in 60 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: where I'm like a new level or I feel like 61 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: personally I'm at a new level, or I'm at like 62 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,799 Speaker 1: a different level of visibility. Typically in the past, it's 63 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: felt really good right now, to be honest, it feels 64 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: very scary in like a lot of ways, just like 65 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: in a I'm really aware of myself all of a sudden, 66 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 1: So I love the changes. I feel very grateful right 67 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: now for everything I've done, and hopefully knock on wood 68 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: or whatever, continue to do. But the new, the new, 69 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: the newness and the new levels when they come it, 70 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: they didn't knocks me. It knocks me. 71 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 2: What's scary. 72 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: I am becoming much more aware of how people perceive 73 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 1: me and whether that's good or bad or in between. 74 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 1: I feel some kind of way about it, and I'm 75 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 1: trying to like let that go really bad. I'm trying 76 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: really really hard. It's not been working. Like we had 77 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,840 Speaker 1: like a bunch of like stuff come out this morning 78 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: about like the album, and granted this is all fairly 79 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,119 Speaker 1: good news, but I like immediately just started having such 80 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: an anxiety attack because I was like, oh, I just 81 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 1: don't want anybody to ever speak about me again, which 82 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: is exactly why I'm here today and exactly why I 83 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 1: keep doing this. Yeah, it's a weird thing. I don't know, 84 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 1: I don't know. It's interesting. It's never really sat with 85 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: me before in that way. Like this really hit me 86 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 1: about a week ago where I was like, oh, I've 87 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: actually chosen to have a very visible life. Just really 88 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 1: hit me, to be honest. 89 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, yeah, in my own small way, I can 90 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 2: relate to that as well. 91 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 1: It's the same thing. Though. 92 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,719 Speaker 2: What's really interesting is I think from the outside in, yeah, 93 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,480 Speaker 2: a level up looks quite at least from the way 94 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,840 Speaker 2: I perceive it my sperience. Sure, I think from the 95 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:02,039 Speaker 2: outside in most people's careers, level up look very orchestrated 96 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 2: and manufactured, when in reality they're a lot more organic. Yeah, 97 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 2: and they're a lot more natural. 98 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 1: I think so. I think so, especially like especially of course, 99 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 1: I'm such like an internet rat, Like I really have 100 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: to get better about like not reading everything. I'm so 101 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,800 Speaker 1: bad at that. I like commend people who are good 102 00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 1: at being like, I'm gonna turn my phone off and 103 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: not take this to heart. I cannot do that. I 104 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 1: care so much and I gotta let that go. But 105 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 1: I I definitely feel that way because I read things 106 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: sometimes again, and I shouldn't be reading, but that are 107 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: so interesting to me. Like somebody somebody the other day 108 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: called me an industry plant, and I was like, oh, 109 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,279 Speaker 1: I wish I was an industry plant. I was like, 110 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,599 Speaker 1: that would be amazing. I was like, that'd be iconic. 111 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,400 Speaker 1: I was like, if like my father was like some 112 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: like industry mogul, that would be lovely. He went into 113 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,039 Speaker 1: like medical sales, like he didn't help me out like that, 114 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, it's always it's always interesting thing, 115 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: and I find it really silly and funny. 116 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, and then it must be hard. I mean, obviously, 117 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 2: I think everyone's seen it, the video where you sadly 118 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 2: have a stalker coming up to you and Drew on 119 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,119 Speaker 2: set on stage. Yeah, and then it's almost like looks 120 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,479 Speaker 2: like you've been notified and you kind of see it coming, 121 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 2: and then you're protecting Drew. Like I mean, like, when 122 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 2: you have moments like that happen, does that almost make 123 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 2: you feel more vulnerable and susceptible? 124 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 1: Or I feel like, even to say it out loud, 125 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,919 Speaker 1: it sounds so silly and so like woe is me? 126 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 1: But I really was so weirded out by that whole thing. 127 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: And I that's not to say that like it shouldn't be. 128 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: I just like, I don't know, she's such a ge 129 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: and she's such a pro and sadly has probably had 130 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: that happen her entire life. I've never been in situations 131 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: where that has happened to myself, luckily, or anybody around me. 132 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: That was so scary because I understand I don't know, 133 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 1: like you never he had like a bag on him, 134 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,920 Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, I just don't know where 135 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 1: this could go. Also, I'm I live in fight or 136 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 1: flight just by the nature of having so much anxiety. 137 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: So like when you see me like twitch in that 138 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 1: video and like go, it's like half of like a 139 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: I'm like a pretty like transparent person. Like if somebody 140 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: like scares me, you're gonna know. And also be like 141 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,840 Speaker 1: that was so jarring for me. But yeah, I don't know. 142 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: I've just never been through anything like that before. To me, 143 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,080 Speaker 1: I'm like, I know it sounds very well as me 144 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: and silly, but it did scare the hell at me. 145 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 2: Yeah. No, it was very weird, fully understandable. I'm glad 146 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 2: that you know it didn't go any further than it did. 147 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 2: Same and yeah, it's always worrying. Again. I think it's 148 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 2: the unpredictability of it. I was reading a study that 149 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 2: was saying that humans would rather know one hundred percent 150 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 2: that a bad thing's going to happen as opposed to 151 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 2: have a fifty to fifty chance of it happening or 152 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 2: not happening. 153 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 1: Oh my god, yeah, probably. 154 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 2: Right, Like we would rather know that something bad's gonna 155 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 2: happen rather than live in this world of like it 156 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 2: could or it couldn't. Yeah, like that uncertainty. You've been 157 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 2: doing this for a long time. What parts of your 158 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 2: anxiety have you got better at dealing with? And what 159 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 2: bonds of anxiety are like still just flaring on? 160 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: Well, it's funny because I think that I I get 161 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: what you're saying, because one hundred percent of my decision 162 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 1: making happens before I do something like this morning, right, 163 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: like when like chart data or things are coming out 164 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: about like the album, before anything was even posted, published 165 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: out there or whatever, I had already made the assumption 166 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: and was already like, Okay, people are going to be 167 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 1: upset about this. This is going to be not real, 168 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: and I've already decided that it's bad before it happens, 169 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: so that I've I can prepare myself to at least 170 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,920 Speaker 1: not be so disappointed. So I definitely do that. 171 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:41,360 Speaker 2: Does that help? 172 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:44,680 Speaker 1: I actually don't know. I don't know because for everyone 173 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 1: around me like all they say is like we really 174 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,559 Speaker 1: want you to enjoy things, and like we want you 175 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: to be having fun and we want you to be 176 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:55,440 Speaker 1: able to celebrate yourself. I just am so afraid to 177 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: celebrate myself and then be like slapped in the face. 178 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 1: I don't want that. I would I don't know, and 179 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: I don't know if it's not great to say. I 180 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: would rather live in a state of like just like 181 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: chilling and like hope that nothing horrific happens, but be 182 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: prepared if it does. I don't know what's better or worse. 183 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:13,080 Speaker 1: I'm not sure. 184 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 2: No, I don't think there is. I just wanted to know, right, No. 185 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, 186 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: I would love to endoy things a little bit more. 187 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,240 Speaker 1: I'm not really there right now. I still, I think 188 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: have like the same anxieties as what I started. It's 189 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: just more that I'm much more aware of how I'm 190 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,599 Speaker 1: perceived now. 191 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,839 Speaker 2: And you feel before you just weren't aware, and so yeah, I. 192 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: Just kind of was like, oh, this is me, I'm 193 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:41,199 Speaker 1: so out here and don't care and whatever. I also 194 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: was just so hungry to do this and to be 195 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: doing music that it was just like run for it. 196 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,920 Speaker 1: And now I kind of feel like that I'm embarking 197 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 1: on whatever music looks like in my life. I'm much 198 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: more nervous about it, maybe just because I'm in it 199 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: and experiencing it. But it's definitely we it's definitely weird. 200 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 2: Do you have to do you have to turn down 201 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 2: the outside noise when you're creating and when you're making 202 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 2: And are you able to do that or is it 203 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 2: just so hot? 204 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: And it's not something that I really think of when 205 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: I'm creating. It's something I think of when I'm acting. 206 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: I'm more so thinking about like for me, like do 207 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,320 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm doing the best I possibly can. 208 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: I'm so hypercritical of myself when I'm writing that I'm 209 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,120 Speaker 1: not even worried about another person because I don't even 210 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 1: have the space in my brain to think about someone 211 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,439 Speaker 1: else's opinion, if that makes sense, which I guess is nice. 212 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds great, it sounds good to me. 213 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: It's a little nicer. Yeah, it's bad when I write 214 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: like a really bad song though, because when I write 215 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: a bad song, like my like worst critic is myself, 216 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: and it's like. 217 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 2: What's what's the thought you think you repeat the most. 218 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,720 Speaker 1: At those times, I will never write another good song again. 219 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,640 Speaker 1: It goes to that extreme, Oh my god in two seconds, 220 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:56,440 Speaker 1: and that everybody around me is lying to me, and 221 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: that everybody who is kind enough to work with me 222 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:06,400 Speaker 1: and put their time and energy toward things that I 223 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: really want for my career, And how sweet that is 224 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 1: that they're all making ginormous mistakes and this is all 225 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,080 Speaker 1: a leap of faith that they've taken that they're going 226 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: to regret. Immediately jump into that totally, And. 227 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 2: Then how long would you sit in that? 228 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,559 Speaker 1: For a long time? A long time Like this morning 229 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: again good things were happening, and I was just like 230 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,040 Speaker 1: in my head, I'm just like, they're all lying to me. 231 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: I'm like, there's no way, mind you, these are people 232 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: who I trust and love and who are giving up 233 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 1: time out of their lives to work toward a goal 234 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: that I really want so deeply, Like these are lovely people. 235 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,839 Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with them and everything to 236 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: do with me. But yeah, I'd sit in that all 237 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: the time. 238 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 2: And then what gets you out of it? 239 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 1: I just keep going like resilience and also just I 240 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 1: want it so bad, and I also I want to 241 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 1: succeed for myself. But I also really want to like 242 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,440 Speaker 1: prove to everybody who is working with me or who 243 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 1: believes in me, or even like consume is my music 244 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: from two seconds of a song to like listen to 245 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,560 Speaker 1: everything I put out, Like I want to do well 246 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 1: for those people. So I don't know, maybe like drive 247 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,560 Speaker 1: things like that. Yeah, fear of failure really motivates me. 248 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 1: I love her. 249 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 2: Do All of these characters in your head have names 250 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,080 Speaker 2: and voices and hes and his and their. 251 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: My God, they're all They're all. They're all me. They're 252 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,080 Speaker 1: just all different versions of me. Like the like fear 253 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 1: of failure is like me as like a kid, I 254 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 1: think because I like, I used to set like such 255 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: obnoxious goals for myself as a child, like and it 256 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,000 Speaker 1: would keep changing. I would be like, if I'm not 257 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: Beyonce by the time I'm eighteen, I have failed. Wow, 258 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: insane And it used to be things like that I 259 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 1: used to be and when I was really really little, 260 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: I'd be like, if I am not on Disney Channel 261 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: by the time that I am thirteen, I might as 262 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: well just end it all. Like they were just such chicks, 263 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 1: extreme things. So there are just all different versions of 264 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 1: myself that just kind of coexists or lack thereof. They 265 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: don't have that. 266 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 2: And do you find yourself still repeating those audacious goals 267 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 2: even now or oh. 268 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: My god, every day, yeah, every day, and they're they're 269 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: let's be clear, there are things that I'm not necessarily 270 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: proud of, Like no. 271 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 3: I get that, Yeah, yeah, okay, fabulous, because sometimes I 272 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 3: like say something and I'll be like no, no, no, 273 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 3: that's not how I like feel. 274 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: That is what I think now, like this morning, like 275 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 1: these are great things that are happening, okay, and like 276 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: we had like a top ten like debut album and 277 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 1: everybody's like this is amazing, and in my brain, I 278 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: was like I could have done better. Like all I 279 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 1: could think of in my head was like I could 280 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 1: have done better. And I cried and I like beat 281 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: myself up, and then I like kind of came to 282 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: and was like, oh no, this is actually like very exciting, 283 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,520 Speaker 1: and then I would like go back down again. You 284 00:13:57,559 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: know the movie Talladaya Nights. Yeah, of course, if you 285 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: ain't first your last, Like that's all I think of 286 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 1: in my brain, which is so silly and so stupid, 287 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I 288 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,880 Speaker 1: really do, I really do. 289 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 2: No hearing you explain it and I want to clarify 290 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,400 Speaker 2: what I was reaffirming with you. Was Hearing you explain 291 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,000 Speaker 2: it is a really good breakdown of how I think 292 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 2: so many of us think totally so hearing you articulated 293 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 2: with so much clarity. Yeah, I'm listening going. I know 294 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 2: there are times and I think exactly the same way 295 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 2: as that, and I know everyone who's listening again in 296 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,680 Speaker 2: their own way are thinking the same thing. And we 297 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 2: all know how deabilitating that is. Because now number two 298 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 2: is the same as ninety nine, Yes, and it makes 299 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 2: no difference. And by the way, ninety nine is great, 300 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,280 Speaker 2: but ninety nine is not, you know we're looking at. 301 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 2: So it just keeps going, and it's it's a perpetual cycle, 302 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 2: which can be so paralyzing insane. 303 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: I also would never hold someone else to the standard 304 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 1: that I hold myself, and I'm very aware of that. 305 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 1: It doesn't change how I feel, sadly, but I I 306 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 1: never in my life would say to somebody if they're like, 307 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 1: my debut album debuted it fivey six hundred whatever, I'd 308 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: be like, that is amazing, what an incredible amount of work, blood, 309 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 1: sweat and tears you and so many other people around 310 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: you have put into this, and this is an accomplishment 311 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 1: that you should celebrate for years and years on end 312 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 1: and believe every single word of that. For myself, I'm like, 313 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,080 Speaker 1: could have done better, I should have done more. I'm 314 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: just immediately like what should I have done better? Which 315 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,680 Speaker 1: is silly. Yeah, but it is kind of like a 316 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 1: human thing, I guess. 317 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's that almost. It's interesting, isn't. 318 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 2: It's like that's the same mindset that will make you 319 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 2: improve and get better, but it's the same mindset that 320 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 2: can slow you down. And yeah, brain you it is. 321 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 1: It is also the life set that I have been 322 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: like praised for by like adult figures in my life 323 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 1: since I was very young. 324 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 2: That's where it comes from. 325 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 1: Oh my god, absolutely absolutely, Like I don't blame anyone 326 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: or think this is like a negative thing that somebody, 327 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,840 Speaker 1: you know, put in my brain, but I do always 328 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: think of it like I used to like finish like 329 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: basketball games or like any sort of competitive thing that 330 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 1: I would do, whether it was like sports or like 331 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,400 Speaker 1: some like showcase for like singing, and like my first 332 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,120 Speaker 1: like comment from like my parents, who I love and 333 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 1: who are so supportive. But my first comment from my 334 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,200 Speaker 1: parents would be like, Okay, what could you have done better? 335 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,920 Speaker 1: Even if I would have like crushed and so like 336 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,840 Speaker 1: that is honestly my thought every single time, which in 337 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,400 Speaker 1: a way is really great because I'm always like trying 338 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: to make myself better and also they hold myself accountable 339 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,680 Speaker 1: for places that I slipped up, could have done more, 340 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 1: didn't do enough. Yeah, But then also it becomes this 341 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,680 Speaker 1: thing where you just like beat yourself up for every little, 342 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: like tiny place you could have had a little celebratory 343 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: moment and congratulations internally that you then don't have. Yeah, 344 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 1: very weird. 345 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,480 Speaker 2: It's almost like taking that question if all of us 346 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 2: were first asked, what did you do great? 347 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 1: Well? 348 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 2: Could you have done that up? 349 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: I got to be great? 350 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 2: Like it just positions it so differently. If someone said 351 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,719 Speaker 2: to you, what did you do great? And you, as 352 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,640 Speaker 2: a kid were like, I think I did this right, 353 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,160 Speaker 2: and I think I got this right, and I think 354 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,199 Speaker 2: I did this right. Now you celebrate. You've got a 355 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,719 Speaker 2: moment what you were just saying earlier, You've had a 356 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:18,720 Speaker 2: moment to celebrate and know yourself and know that you've 357 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,160 Speaker 2: won and that you're powerful and great, and then it's like, okay, 358 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 2: well what could you have done better? And now it's 359 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:24,400 Speaker 2: like okay, now I. 360 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 1: Have absolutely have a balance exactly. 361 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 2: Whereas if you don't have the what you did great, 362 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 2: you only have the critical judgmental questioning. 363 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,479 Speaker 1: Oh my god. When I first started doing therapy, I 364 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,600 Speaker 1: was twenty, so this is like maybe three years ago 365 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: now three and a half years ago. And I will 366 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,119 Speaker 1: never forget like they would. Therapists would like ask me. 367 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,399 Speaker 1: They'd be like, Okay, what is something you like about yourself? 368 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 1: Or what is something you're proud of that you do? 369 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,719 Speaker 1: And I could not, for years, like answer that question 370 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 1: at all. I would just start sobbing every single time. 371 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: Every single time. I was just like I cannot top 372 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: on my myself in any sort of the way, which sucks. 373 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 1: So how about now I can? I can I do 374 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,680 Speaker 1: a better job of it now? I love the people 375 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,320 Speaker 1: in my life really really hard, very glad. Yeah that's beautiful. 376 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 2: Yeah you found it. Yes, No, and you've attracted. 377 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,240 Speaker 1: Them yeah yeah, theyed you. 378 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 2: Yeah. It's a two way thing. It's like run around 379 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,800 Speaker 2: you because they love you and believe in you and 380 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,199 Speaker 2: you're around them because you love them and believe in them. 381 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 2: That's that's special. And you know, I'm gonna definitely miss 382 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 2: you on Sex Lives of College Girls like your characters 383 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 2: awesome for me and my wife watched the show all 384 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 2: the time and absolutely loved it. What you were just 385 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,560 Speaker 2: talking about earlier, like acting was actually a space that 386 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 2: made you feel a lot more like anxious and everything? 387 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,119 Speaker 2: Was that the reason to switch over or what was 388 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,560 Speaker 2: it for you that made you go, you know what, 389 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:56,800 Speaker 2: I need to step away? 390 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 1: No, I mean to be honest, like I inevitably like 391 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,959 Speaker 1: one day, I'm like very excited to talk about it. 392 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: I can't say a ton about it being with the 393 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: sack strike. That being said, acting to me was always 394 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,600 Speaker 1: just so scary. It was just so scary. It was 395 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: just something I had no confidence in and thought I 396 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:21,000 Speaker 1: was just so so so terrible at. It was something 397 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 1: that came later on in my life, at least to 398 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:25,960 Speaker 1: this point, later on in my life, I was like 399 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,400 Speaker 1: eighteen nineteen that I just didn't think I could do 400 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:35,160 Speaker 1: and it became like a really amazing opportunity to get 401 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 1: people's attention, to pay attention to me to do music, 402 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: which I didn't feel like I was getting when I 403 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,199 Speaker 1: was younger, or at least it was harder for me too. 404 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,239 Speaker 1: But I just really really wanted attention musically, and I 405 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 1: wanted to like get signed and do like the whole thing. 406 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:56,159 Speaker 1: And when acting became a conduit for that, I just 407 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,399 Speaker 1: was like, well, Okay, I guess I got to do this. 408 00:19:58,720 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: I would be silly not to do that. 409 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, I still. 410 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:06,520 Speaker 1: Felt so so incredibly insecure around it. I just was like, 411 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,000 Speaker 1: I cannot do this. I was like, I'm gonna get 412 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 1: fired from any job that I have when it comes 413 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,440 Speaker 1: to acting. So it's something I've developed a love for now. 414 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:19,200 Speaker 1: Later on. Actors are so so so thoughtful, so thoughtful, 415 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,320 Speaker 1: and so like careful and articulate, and like you really 416 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:27,400 Speaker 1: have to like rid yourself of like the judgment, and 417 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:31,120 Speaker 1: I struggle so so hard with that. So it's it's 418 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: just something that I was always so insecure about. 419 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:35,840 Speaker 2: That's actually a really powerful lesson though, Yeah, And I'm 420 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 2: glad you shared that detail because most of us have 421 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,440 Speaker 2: one goal and we think there's one path to it, yeah, 422 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,640 Speaker 2: and we're just walking in that direction, and often that 423 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,719 Speaker 2: door doesn't open at a certain age, at a certain 424 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,159 Speaker 2: time at a certain point in life. Yeah, but we 425 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,560 Speaker 2: don't realize that a pivot at that point doing something 426 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,679 Speaker 2: that you were even massively uncomfortable with. 427 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,120 Speaker 1: Oh my god, so uncomfortable. 428 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,160 Speaker 2: But that's actually helped and been a productive and proactive 429 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 2: use of time as an investment in what you really 430 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 2: want to do, which I love that as a life lesson. Like, 431 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,879 Speaker 2: that's incredible, That's huge. 432 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. No, it's been the best I've like not only 433 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 1: like in a career since have I grown so much 434 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 1: and learned so much and been able to work with 435 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,639 Speaker 1: really incredible people. I've also like met like my best 436 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,159 Speaker 1: friends in the whole wide world, like my best friend 437 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:29,160 Speaker 1: in the planet I met on TV show Ohliyah, And 438 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 1: you know, so it's like it's it's given me a lot, 439 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: and it's been like a really really big catalyst for 440 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,480 Speaker 1: my music career. And that is not at all lost 441 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 1: on me. 442 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:44,639 Speaker 2: That's fantastic. What's been your most difficult insecurity to channel 443 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 2: in music? Like, what's been the hardest thing to actually 444 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 2: communicate and express? And why do you think that is? 445 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 1: It's interesting. I feel like I expressed most of my 446 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,360 Speaker 1: insecurities and things that I think, yeah, pretty well. And 447 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:58,920 Speaker 1: it's pretty. 448 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 2: Openly absolutely no, I think you do totally. 449 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: But even though I do, I still constantly feel like 450 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:13,920 Speaker 1: I'm so not communicating anything, well anything at all, even 451 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: though I know I do that, you know, like that 452 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: is the entire basis of like my songwriting is like 453 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: exactly how I feel and like letting that go again, 454 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 1: whether it be something I'm like proud of this thought 455 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,680 Speaker 1: and opinion I have, or whether it's something that I'm 456 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,160 Speaker 1: not proud of, but at the end of the day, 457 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 1: that is how I feel, and that is my art 458 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 1: and that is the reason why I put it out there. Whatever, 459 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:39,199 Speaker 1: I still judge every inch of it so harshly, like 460 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 1: I cannot let it go. Like I wrote like a 461 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,959 Speaker 1: bunch of songs on my album and I'm really like 462 00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: proud of the things that I said and like proud 463 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,160 Speaker 1: of the place that it comes from. And then I'll 464 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,680 Speaker 1: panic about having written it and be like, oh my god, 465 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 1: I shouldn't have said that was so stupid, Like I 466 00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 1: was just like sending the wrong like message or something, 467 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 1: or am I, you know, going against everything I believe in? 468 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: And then I'm like, no, that is actually just like 469 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,439 Speaker 1: how I felt in that moment and like, not everything 470 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: I say is like Bible and like how you should 471 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: live your life? Please God don't. But like I don't know. 472 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 1: I communicate it all and I'm proud of how I do, 473 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:20,040 Speaker 1: but I don't let that just be like that just 474 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 1: never exists. So I can over communicate as much as 475 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 1: humanly possible and still be incredibly insecure about what I'm 476 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,560 Speaker 1: saying or like how it is received. 477 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:36,200 Speaker 2: Absolutely, I couldn't be more excited to share something truly 478 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,760 Speaker 2: special with all you tea lovers out there. 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That's drink Jauni dot com and make 498 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 2: sure you use the code on purpose with you for 499 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,919 Speaker 2: a few moments. I really feel like when you do 500 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,919 Speaker 2: describe what anxiety feels like. A lot of the time, 501 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,879 Speaker 2: when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like here, or 502 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,000 Speaker 2: it sounds like here, the chest is title, they feel uncomfortable. 503 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 2: But when I hear you speak about it, you speak 504 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 2: about it from here, which really helps because it's kind 505 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 2: of like making sense. There was one lyric that stood 506 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,640 Speaker 2: out that I wanted to share with you. I'll make 507 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,920 Speaker 2: it through the winter. If it kills me, I can 508 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 2: make it faster. If I hurry, I'll angel in the 509 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,399 Speaker 2: snow until I'm worthy. But if it kills me. I 510 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:35,040 Speaker 2: tried if it kills me, And when I was there 511 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 2: was a couple of lines in there that I wanted 512 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,400 Speaker 2: to kind of break down with you if that's okay. Yeah, 513 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,640 Speaker 2: So one was I'll make it through the winter if 514 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,240 Speaker 2: it kills me, and I was like, when do you 515 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,560 Speaker 2: feel like you're most in winter? Like when does it 516 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,080 Speaker 2: feel the coldest? 517 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 1: In the moments of me getting so riled up and 518 00:25:55,680 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 1: so panicked and freaked out about my career, my family, 519 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: being a good friend, like when I'm just like really 520 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,640 Speaker 1: really really really really I don't know, just coming for myself, 521 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: to be honest, I never feel like I'm gonna like stop, 522 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:19,359 Speaker 1: Like I just always feel resilient in a stick way, honestly, 523 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: in a way that has really really really helped me. 524 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,240 Speaker 1: But it's crazy. Sometimes I think about it and I'm 525 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: very confused, Like I genuinely don't know where it comes 526 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,280 Speaker 1: from or like what it is. But like I could 527 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: be having the worst day of my life and I 528 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: would still be like, yeah, this sucks, and like this 529 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 1: is the worst day of my life. And I feel 530 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: like a terrible person, and I feel like I've done 531 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:46,679 Speaker 1: something really, really horrible, and I'm still not going to 532 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,720 Speaker 1: stop what I'm doing, not that behavior. I guess like 533 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 1: I'm still not going to stop, like making music or 534 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,400 Speaker 1: doing the thing that I love. And it's silly now 535 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 1: in retrospect, because I get like your kids, you say 536 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 1: dumb things, but like I would like post these singing 537 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,560 Speaker 1: videos online when I was in high school, and like 538 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: all these girls would like go on Twitter and like 539 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,400 Speaker 1: say how terrible of the singer I was, and how 540 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,520 Speaker 1: I was just so silly and I looked stupid. And 541 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 1: I remember that so so well, and I remember really 542 00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:17,440 Speaker 1: hurting my feelings. But at the same time, I still 543 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: kept posting videos. It wasn't like it didn't hurt my feelings, 544 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,880 Speaker 1: but I was like, you're not gonna stop me from 545 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,879 Speaker 1: doing the thing that I love to do and that 546 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,639 Speaker 1: I want to do. So winter is always but winter 547 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,639 Speaker 1: is resilient, and so angels as a whole. It's just 548 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,320 Speaker 1: full of resilience. 549 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:40,760 Speaker 2: Absolutely. What makes you feel worthy now. 550 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 1: I feel worthy when the people around me are happy, 551 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,760 Speaker 1: which I guess is something inherently that's like, oh that sucks. 552 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,440 Speaker 1: Like I should feel worthy when I feel good about myself, 553 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,320 Speaker 1: but I really do at this point in my life, 554 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,360 Speaker 1: I feel I feel worthy when people around me are 555 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: happy and proud of me. If I feel like the 556 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:58,879 Speaker 1: people around me are happy and proud of me and 557 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:02,199 Speaker 1: they're okay, then I feel okay. And that goes for 558 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:06,080 Speaker 1: like are like kind of like community and like fandom too, 559 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 1: Like if they like things and they feel good, then 560 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:12,680 Speaker 1: I feel good. And if they don't, then I don't 561 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:17,199 Speaker 1: feel good, which sucks. I know that's something I have 562 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,000 Speaker 1: to inevitably work on and find some sort of equilibrium 563 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:23,800 Speaker 1: to like be balanced and stuff. But right now it's 564 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,879 Speaker 1: really just like it sucks, but it's when other people 565 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,160 Speaker 1: are proud of me, then I am proud of myself. 566 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: I don't do well finding that internally, which is not ideal, 567 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,640 Speaker 1: but it is like what it is right now. 568 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, and starting from where you are is the 569 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 2: only thing you can do. So yeah, being honest about 570 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 2: that and knowing where it's at absolutely And it's interesting 571 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,120 Speaker 2: both times. Even earlier when we were like, you know, 572 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,800 Speaker 2: what are you proud that you have around you? You 573 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,120 Speaker 2: were like yeah, the people. 574 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 1: No, it really doesn't go like any. 575 00:28:56,040 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And there's something beautiful in that. It's 576 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,720 Speaker 2: the idea that what makes you worthy is that those 577 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 2: people choose to be in your life because they see 578 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,160 Speaker 2: you as worthy. Absolutely and that and it's like if 579 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,680 Speaker 2: you can just connect that. But it's a good Yeah, 580 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,320 Speaker 2: but it takes a while. It takes a while for 581 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,240 Speaker 2: all of us. We've all been conditioned. Whether it's everyone 582 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 2: around me matters, every around me doesn't matter, like whichever 583 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,000 Speaker 2: way we are, we're all at some end of that spectrum. Yes, 584 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 2: what are the experiences in your life that you think 585 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:28,920 Speaker 2: have made you become resilient? Like when did that? When 586 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 2: did you start to look at your life though I've 587 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 2: been through a lot of tough stuff. 588 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:33,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's. 589 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 2: Built of resilience. What were some of those events or 590 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:38,520 Speaker 2: what was the moment that you felt made you resilient. 591 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting. Whenever I start to like again like 592 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,680 Speaker 1: compliment or like like pat myself on the back in 593 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: any sense of the word, I get so like my 594 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 1: immediate response, to be frank was to be like, well, 595 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:53,680 Speaker 1: I've had it very easy and and I'm good, and 596 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:59,320 Speaker 1: don't be wrong, haven't many many ways. But I think 597 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 1: that I feel like my resilience comes from like two 598 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,920 Speaker 1: different things. A Like things that I actually go through, 599 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:10,720 Speaker 1: be things that like how I speak to myself. I'm 600 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,840 Speaker 1: very resilient when it comes to how I speak to myself. 601 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 1: Like if I had the inner monologue that I have 602 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,800 Speaker 1: that was from another human being, oh my gosh, Like 603 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:22,320 Speaker 1: that would suck. That would suck. But for whatever reason, 604 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 1: I keep pushing through and keep going. And that doesn't 605 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 1: really change that much, but I keep going. But like 606 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:33,719 Speaker 1: situations like, for instance, like so snow Angel, which was 607 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,040 Speaker 1: like the single of this album and it's not like 608 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 1: the album title and everything, is something that I've like 609 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 1: talked about for months really just being like, Okay, this 610 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 1: is a situation that happened to me, and this is 611 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 1: something that like I'll eventually talk about. But like I 612 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,360 Speaker 1: want you to like have the song, sit with the song, 613 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 1: interpret it in the way that you need, and feel 614 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 1: like it can like sit on you so that you 615 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,520 Speaker 1: have it because like the situation of that song A 616 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 1: is something that I pray and doesn't not something legit 617 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 1: that everybody can relate to in the sense that I 618 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 1: went through it which I'm very glad about, but like 619 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,719 Speaker 1: that was a huge moment of resilience for me, and 620 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 1: even writing the song, I feel like was resilience, and 621 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:22,440 Speaker 1: then in a way, holding back from then talking about 622 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 1: it for a couple of months was resilience. So it 623 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,200 Speaker 1: shows up in my life in a lot of different ways, 624 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:36,240 Speaker 1: but for that specifically, it was January, maybe late January, 625 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: early February of twenty twenty two, and I had just 626 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: gone through like a breakup and it was really tough, 627 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: and it was like the first time I had ever 628 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,440 Speaker 1: been really in love with someone and then experienced like 629 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: a breakup. And I had always I had been in 630 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: relationships back to back for like five years, so my 631 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:55,520 Speaker 1: later teen years were all that. And so at this 632 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,040 Speaker 1: point I'm twenty two and I started like having like 633 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:01,760 Speaker 1: freedom in my life kind of for the first time. 634 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: And I was living here in la and I was 635 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 1: like hanging out in a new group of people and 636 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:09,120 Speaker 1: they were like they were partiers, and they like really 637 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:12,840 Speaker 1: sent it, really sent it. I had heard from like 638 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,280 Speaker 1: my family and like my friends around me that like 639 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 1: this isn't really like a good group. We don't think 640 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,000 Speaker 1: for you, and that's not to say that these are 641 00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:24,200 Speaker 1: bad people, because I don't I don't believe that. I 642 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 1: think that people can do bad things and so be 643 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:32,680 Speaker 1: good people sometimes so a couple of them. But I 644 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: was in this group of friends and we were just 645 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:37,720 Speaker 1: like sending it. And it was the first time in 646 00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:39,440 Speaker 1: my life where I wasn't working. I was fresh out 647 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: of this relationship. I was just going there. And I 648 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:47,959 Speaker 1: think that I had always had to like really like 649 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,040 Speaker 1: nail myself to the ground, and I had always been 650 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: just so incredibly nervous, and for the first time, I 651 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,480 Speaker 1: just like didn't and I like really let my judgment 652 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,480 Speaker 1: go when it came to the people that were around me. 653 00:32:59,840 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 4: And. 654 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:06,960 Speaker 1: We were all out and it was just situation after 655 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:11,960 Speaker 1: a situation where they were just not trustworthy. And then 656 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: like the next thing you knew, I was face up, 657 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: like laying down in like a bathroom stall in a 658 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:22,680 Speaker 1: hotel bar, just waking up like five in the morning, 659 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,440 Speaker 1: like completely alone. And I woke up and I was 660 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,040 Speaker 1: like I was just so confused, and I had like 661 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,120 Speaker 1: blood on my pants and I was really just like 662 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,440 Speaker 1: so caught off guard, and I like looked down. I 663 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 1: had my phone and my purse and I looked down 664 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:40,040 Speaker 1: and I was completely alone in a bathroom stall, and 665 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: I looked at my phone and it was like five 666 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:42,720 Speaker 1: in the morning. I was like, what happened? I was like, 667 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,920 Speaker 1: I was out of like a party with like my friends, 668 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:49,720 Speaker 1: and I had missed two texts from two people that 669 00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: I was with at like ten thirty the night before, 670 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,480 Speaker 1: which was like seven hours had gone by. That was like, hey, 671 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,800 Speaker 1: I guess you left, Like, well, you know, see you 672 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,560 Speaker 1: in let me see you and mind you. I was 673 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,640 Speaker 1: dating somebody in the group at that time, and so 674 00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 1: I didn't go to this place alone. And I had 675 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 1: like a boyfriend or a situation or whatever somebody that 676 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 1: I was at least with that just was nowhere to 677 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:19,200 Speaker 1: be found. And so I still have no idea what happened, 678 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:24,680 Speaker 1: no clue what happened. But I was drugged and just 679 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:29,959 Speaker 1: like missing for like seven hours and stopped being friends 680 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,839 Speaker 1: with those people and stopped doing as much partying as 681 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:38,239 Speaker 1: I was and told my parents, told some of my 682 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,239 Speaker 1: friends and just kind of explained it in like a 683 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 1: really matter of fact way, and they were all very concerned. 684 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 1: And I didn't really even understand what was happening, because 685 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:51,839 Speaker 1: again I didn't recall anything that had happened, and then 686 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: a couple months later we like really delve into it, 687 00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,880 Speaker 1: and like I kind of started to like have to 688 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:01,800 Speaker 1: like deal with everything that happen and was just crying 689 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,840 Speaker 1: and so upset and very confused and then resentful of 690 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,239 Speaker 1: that was friends that I was with. But all that 691 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,200 Speaker 1: to say, then like a year later, we wrote Snow Angel, 692 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,839 Speaker 1: and I had been saying to Alexander, who I did 693 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:16,640 Speaker 1: this whole album with, like I really want to write 694 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:20,080 Speaker 1: a song about this. I'd recounted the situation so many times, 695 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 1: and after like the tenth time of telling like a 696 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:27,880 Speaker 1: group of people that you know through maybe just music sessions, 697 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,760 Speaker 1: that you were like drugged and you have no idea 698 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:33,760 Speaker 1: what happened and you were like kind of into drugs 699 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,480 Speaker 1: at one point, but you don't really want to talk 700 00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 1: about it, but you do want to write a song 701 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:41,040 Speaker 1: about it, and them just being like, then you kind 702 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: of stop wanting to write that song naturally, So I 703 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I guess I just won't write anything 704 00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:50,080 Speaker 1: about this. And then eventually Alexander like came back to 705 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,759 Speaker 1: me and was like, I really want to write that 706 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,960 Speaker 1: song that you were talking to me, about and I 707 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: think you and I should just do it together. And 708 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,239 Speaker 1: I was like okay, And then we started writing and 709 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:01,680 Speaker 1: it was just the two of us, and frankly, the 710 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:05,160 Speaker 1: whole time we were writing it, I felt nothing, nothing 711 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: Like I was explaining all this stuff and I was like, yeah, 712 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,920 Speaker 1: and you can like reference like the snow as whatever 713 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,200 Speaker 1: you want to reference it has, and things like that, 714 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:16,680 Speaker 1: and I felt nothing at all until we had recorded 715 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:18,760 Speaker 1: the song. The whole thing was done, and I played 716 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,800 Speaker 1: it for a bunch of my friends and my manager 717 00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 1: and everybody was like, this is insane. But for me, 718 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:30,880 Speaker 1: that whole year of my life was inherent resilience, because 719 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,840 Speaker 1: not only was I like fighting through an experience I 720 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:39,279 Speaker 1: have no idea what happened to me, lost friends, felt 721 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,120 Speaker 1: like I couldn't go out with anybody and trust anybody, 722 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 1: And then was like trying to explain the situation in 723 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: a way that I understood it, but I didn't really 724 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,920 Speaker 1: understand it, And then wanted to write a song about it, 725 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,160 Speaker 1: and wanted to write an album about it, but was 726 00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,680 Speaker 1: also afraid to be judged for having something like that 727 00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:57,440 Speaker 1: happened to me. But it's also like, what did happen? 728 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,440 Speaker 1: So it was a whole thing up until we decided 729 00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,400 Speaker 1: to like name the album's so Angel and have that 730 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,960 Speaker 1: be the song that to me, it was all resilience 731 00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:09,360 Speaker 1: because I was just like kind of cold face, like 732 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 1: fighting through everything. And I still don't really know how 733 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,160 Speaker 1: I feel about it. I just know that I feel 734 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,719 Speaker 1: weird and very resilient. 735 00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:20,799 Speaker 2: That's resilient, for sure. 736 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:21,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's resilient. 737 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,560 Speaker 2: Yeah for sure. I mean, have you ever been able 738 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,000 Speaker 2: to piece anything together from the night or not at all? 739 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:31,840 Speaker 2: Like just nothing? That's that must be So that's almost 740 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:34,280 Speaker 2: like so disconnecting. 741 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:36,319 Speaker 1: From very weird. Yeah, very weird. Yeah, I know, I 742 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,040 Speaker 1: have no idea, and I just stopped talking to the 743 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,560 Speaker 1: group of people. I was like, I don't I don't 744 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:42,719 Speaker 1: want to know what you know or don't or what 745 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:45,000 Speaker 1: you claim to know or don't know. I just wanted 746 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:45,560 Speaker 1: to let it go. 747 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:50,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, what made you trust them in the first place 748 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,399 Speaker 2: that you now look back as the red flag and go? 749 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:53,720 Speaker 2: I should have been aware. 750 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:58,080 Speaker 1: I really wanted to have fun. I really wanted to 751 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,040 Speaker 1: have fun. I had just gone through this breakup, and 752 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,560 Speaker 1: I had just changed a lot of my life and 753 00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:07,239 Speaker 1: I had just you know, become visible in like a 754 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:11,360 Speaker 1: different way in the career thing. And I just wanted 755 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,640 Speaker 1: to like party and have a good time. I didn't 756 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,200 Speaker 1: go to college, and I didn't have that experience like 757 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,600 Speaker 1: to like let loose and just like kill. And these 758 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,840 Speaker 1: were people that I saw were really partying too much 759 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,320 Speaker 1: to a point, and I just I wanted to have fun, 760 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,360 Speaker 1: and I wanted people who knew none of my friends, 761 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:32,880 Speaker 1: who knew nothing about my life, who didn't know my ex, 762 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:37,040 Speaker 1: who didn't know two x's ago, who knew nothing about me, 763 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 1: and I was just like fresh new into the group. 764 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,400 Speaker 1: I don't know, It's just like it was exciting to 765 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 1: have a group of people that just did not care 766 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:50,719 Speaker 1: about anything else other than partying. Because I cared so 767 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:54,160 Speaker 1: much about everything else. I wanted that like level of 768 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,080 Speaker 1: just like escape and not dealing with it. And then 769 00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:58,560 Speaker 1: I just escaped too far. 770 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, how did they act when you kind of started 771 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 2: to disconnect? 772 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:06,080 Speaker 1: To be honest, like it wasn't a big deal, Like 773 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:13,759 Speaker 1: it was it was nothing to them to lose a 774 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 1: friendship like that. It was it wasn't a big deal 775 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,799 Speaker 1: to them, And that's you know whatever. I guess the 776 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:23,960 Speaker 1: only time that I ever heard like anything was like 777 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,920 Speaker 1: when I started just like really release music and started 778 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,480 Speaker 1: getting more attention for it, somebody was like, hey, you know, 779 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:32,440 Speaker 1: I would love to talk to you about like the time. 780 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:34,879 Speaker 1: Da da da da da, And I'm just like, no, 781 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:38,520 Speaker 1: you don't. Like, no, you don't, No, you don't. And 782 00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:41,160 Speaker 1: I feel like that person obviously. I mean, you don't 783 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 1: just disappear like randomly. You just don't. As far as 784 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,880 Speaker 1: I'm concerned, I could be way wrong and silly for 785 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:52,279 Speaker 1: thinking that, but yeah, it wasn't a big deal to them. 786 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,640 Speaker 1: It was just nothing, and I've I've made peace with 787 00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,680 Speaker 1: it to just be like, Okay, if that is how 788 00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:01,759 Speaker 1: you react to do something like that happening to me, 789 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:07,920 Speaker 1: then you don't value my life, friendship and safety in 790 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,200 Speaker 1: the way that I would value yours. So it's best 791 00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:12,359 Speaker 1: we just part ways and then we just never really 792 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:12,879 Speaker 1: talked again. 793 00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:17,560 Speaker 2: That's hard as well to like, yeah, yeah, how does 794 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 2: that feel to you? 795 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:25,719 Speaker 1: Now? I trust people really fast, and then when I 796 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:29,759 Speaker 1: don't trust someone, I don't trust them, and I think 797 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:34,799 Speaker 1: it's very jarring for people around me sometimes. But I'm 798 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,200 Speaker 1: good at letting go, very good at letting go, and 799 00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:40,040 Speaker 1: I don't know if that's something that I'm really good 800 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,560 Speaker 1: at because I've been burned one too many times. I mean, 801 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:45,760 Speaker 1: I would rather be like with my group of friends 802 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,480 Speaker 1: now and like not be at risk to like be 803 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:53,839 Speaker 1: left alone and hurt and have whatever happened happen then 804 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,040 Speaker 1: like be with those people. Yeah, I think I'm doing 805 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,960 Speaker 1: like pretty good in my life where I don't really 806 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,040 Speaker 1: feel like I need that. 807 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:06,040 Speaker 2: And also the idea of like wanting to party and 808 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,239 Speaker 2: have fun is not a bad thing. Yeah, but it's yeah, 809 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:12,880 Speaker 2: you know, it's it's almost it's so that wanting to 810 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,000 Speaker 2: have a great time and your intentions just like, hey, 811 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,480 Speaker 2: I've got through his breakup, I want to party, I 812 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,200 Speaker 2: want to have fun, Like, yeah, that doesn't seem like 813 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:19,479 Speaker 2: a terrible thing. No. 814 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:23,160 Speaker 1: And I also I was worried about how my friends 815 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,440 Speaker 1: and people who were immediate in my life would like 816 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,560 Speaker 1: view me for them having all of this sudden happened 817 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:30,640 Speaker 1: to be like yeah, okay, so I was out with 818 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:33,080 Speaker 1: this group of people X, Y, and Z happened whatever. 819 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:36,640 Speaker 1: I was very scared about how that would did they respond? 820 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,920 Speaker 1: They were at the time, they were much more worried 821 00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,840 Speaker 1: than I was aware of what was happening, because I 822 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,000 Speaker 1: really just brushed it off, and honestly, I think I 823 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:48,400 Speaker 1: was just in like kind of like a fight or 824 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,680 Speaker 1: flight thing, just like, okay, well this happens, got to 825 00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:52,040 Speaker 1: move on, to be honest, The next weekend, I went 826 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:55,440 Speaker 1: to Coachella, like I was just like, okay, whatever. My 827 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,120 Speaker 1: friends were very concerned, and we're really weird it out 828 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,480 Speaker 1: and where I guess talking like amongst each other more 829 00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,280 Speaker 1: so than to me, but we're really protective. 830 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:05,480 Speaker 2: Did you feel like you had to move on fast 831 00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,600 Speaker 2: in order so that people didn't take it too seriously 832 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:10,400 Speaker 2: because you wanted them to be okay with it and 833 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:12,680 Speaker 2: you didn't allow yourself to feel it. Yeah. 834 00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:18,360 Speaker 1: I also really didn't want to know what happened. I 835 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:19,640 Speaker 1: didn't want to find out what happened. 836 00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:21,200 Speaker 2: And still yeah, nope. 837 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,680 Speaker 1: And in a way I kind of do, because I 838 00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:29,239 Speaker 1: also am like vengeful, to be honest, and I like, 839 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,560 Speaker 1: in a way I want to know, like who let 840 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:38,240 Speaker 1: what you know? But also I was just like, okay, 841 00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:40,440 Speaker 1: move on, Like I don't want anybody to see me 842 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,120 Speaker 1: sweat in that way, because then that would be admitting 843 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:46,360 Speaker 1: that something bad actually did happen to me. And I've 844 00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:50,240 Speaker 1: never had anything specifically like that, happened to me before, 845 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,960 Speaker 1: and I thought it was a very like a long 846 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,600 Speaker 1: shot of an idea, like that's something you hear about 847 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 1: happening to like girls and people out who like get 848 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,040 Speaker 1: drugs and things like that, and that's not ever something 849 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,800 Speaker 1: that would happen to me. So I just I wanted 850 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,640 Speaker 1: to move past it quickly. 851 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:11,200 Speaker 2: Yes, that denial as well. Absolutely, How has that changed 852 00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:13,120 Speaker 2: your way of now having fun and being able to 853 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:14,799 Speaker 2: go out and being able to trust? Like, how is 854 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:15,560 Speaker 2: that impacted? 855 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:20,480 Speaker 1: I'm better friends now group. Yeah, I'm very I'm very 856 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,360 Speaker 1: lucky I have good people in my life. I also 857 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:28,680 Speaker 1: am really I think I'm a more like honest version 858 00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:31,279 Speaker 1: of myself. Like if I don't trust someone, they will know, 859 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:34,440 Speaker 1: and odds are they won't really be around me. But 860 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:37,319 Speaker 1: also like I used to want everybody to be my 861 00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,600 Speaker 1: friend so badly, and don't get me wrong, I still 862 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:42,800 Speaker 1: kind of do, but I like I wanted everyone's approval 863 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,560 Speaker 1: in the worst way when it came to a friend group. 864 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,960 Speaker 1: I don't necessarily feel like that anymore. I feel like 865 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: I got taken advantage of obviously a lot in many ways, 866 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,520 Speaker 1: but now I don't really feel like that happens to 867 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:56,040 Speaker 1: me as much. 868 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost like, how far are we willing to 869 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:02,600 Speaker 2: go away from ourselves to get someone else's approval? 870 00:44:02,719 --> 00:44:04,640 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I would have ran to the ends 871 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:05,080 Speaker 1: of the earth. 872 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:09,239 Speaker 2: Yeah. Once you made that song, as you were saying, 873 00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:10,640 Speaker 2: you were trying to put it in and you're trying 874 00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:14,880 Speaker 2: to get yes your team. Finally, Alexander, Yeah, finally, like 875 00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:19,160 Speaker 2: you know understood and was listening. And how did it 876 00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,120 Speaker 2: then feel to put that out there in the world, 877 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,200 Speaker 2: and then obviously you've talked about your family of friends 878 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:25,800 Speaker 2: and now for everyone to hear it. How did that feel? 879 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,520 Speaker 1: It was honestly weird for the first couple of months, 880 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:35,840 Speaker 1: because I was like, I what I wanted was for 881 00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:39,919 Speaker 1: the song to live on its own and have its 882 00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:44,000 Speaker 1: own kind of existence without my experience attached to it, 883 00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:48,799 Speaker 1: so that people could take it in a way that 884 00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:52,480 Speaker 1: they weren't listening to the song and feeling like pity 885 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,400 Speaker 1: for me. In a way, I wanted everybody to have 886 00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:57,920 Speaker 1: their own experience with it, because again, this is a 887 00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,120 Speaker 1: very specific song. 888 00:44:59,239 --> 00:44:59,520 Speaker 2: Sure. 889 00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:04,200 Speaker 1: I also, however, would find myself like getting so frustrated, 890 00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:08,239 Speaker 1: like wanting to like talk about it and just like 891 00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:12,400 Speaker 1: blurt it out before I was like fully like not 892 00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,520 Speaker 1: ready to, but like before I was ready to like 893 00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:16,600 Speaker 1: actually like make this like okay, this is the thing. 894 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,760 Speaker 1: Now the album was out, it was like a weird 895 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,520 Speaker 1: back and forth because also I'm still very like angry 896 00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,120 Speaker 1: from the situation. As much as I want to like 897 00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:27,440 Speaker 1: move past it and push past it would just float 898 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:31,560 Speaker 1: between like I really like nobody knowing what this is about, 899 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:35,600 Speaker 1: and also like I want revenge, like you know what 900 00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,280 Speaker 1: I mean, and revenge for me is just like talking 901 00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:42,040 Speaker 1: about it, I guess. But yeah, it went, it went 902 00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:45,279 Speaker 1: both ways. I am, however, really really really glad that 903 00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:47,480 Speaker 1: people got to sit with it and take their kind 904 00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:50,200 Speaker 1: of experiences with it. But it was really interesting seeing 905 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:53,600 Speaker 1: people's interpretations of the song because somebody was like, oh 906 00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,840 Speaker 1: my god, yeah, when it's cold outside, it's brutal, and 907 00:45:55,880 --> 00:46:00,080 Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, girl, like that is amazing you 908 00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:04,279 Speaker 1: feel that way, like art really is subjective. Yeah, it 909 00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:06,200 Speaker 1: was weird for a minute. It's so weird. 910 00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:08,000 Speaker 2: Have you ever had people reach out to you and 911 00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:10,960 Speaker 2: tell you about their experiences of similar things happening. 912 00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:15,279 Speaker 1: Or nobody has not that I've seen anything, because I 913 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:17,920 Speaker 1: don't even feel like it's really suggested incredibly in the song, 914 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:24,319 Speaker 1: but unless you like know, yeah, you won't know. But 915 00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:28,359 Speaker 1: I have, however, had had a couple of people talk 916 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:31,839 Speaker 1: to me about like their own experience with because these 917 00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:33,719 Speaker 1: are people who have been through some sort of like 918 00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:37,920 Speaker 1: drug or alcohol related like thing or what have you, 919 00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,279 Speaker 1: and been like, hey, like I really really liked this 920 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:44,640 Speaker 1: song for my own reason, and I've been in and 921 00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:47,040 Speaker 1: out of X y Z situation and this has been 922 00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:49,239 Speaker 1: really helpful for me. And there have been a couple 923 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:52,120 Speaker 1: of times where like, obviously I haven't like said anything, 924 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,680 Speaker 1: but like you know, when you're talking to somebody and 925 00:46:54,719 --> 00:46:57,480 Speaker 1: you're like not saying exactly what it is, but like 926 00:46:57,520 --> 00:46:59,399 Speaker 1: you can kind of both tell in each other's eyes 927 00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:03,560 Speaker 1: that there's like something much deeper happening than what you're 928 00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:07,600 Speaker 1: both saying. It's that kind of like camaraderie and like yeah, 929 00:47:07,719 --> 00:47:11,239 Speaker 1: I see you without like saying it, yes absolutely, which 930 00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:13,400 Speaker 1: has been really comforting. 931 00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:15,880 Speaker 2: It's sad that you can connect on that or understand 932 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,760 Speaker 2: each other, but at least you feel understood and held 933 00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:21,600 Speaker 2: in that moment totally. Thank you for sharing that with us. 934 00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,040 Speaker 2: I mean it's like it's just oh yeah, it's just 935 00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:28,000 Speaker 2: I mean you know, I think that whenever we go throings, 936 00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:30,160 Speaker 2: go through things where we don't have control and we 937 00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:34,960 Speaker 2: don't have consciousness even you know what to speak of control, 938 00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:39,400 Speaker 2: it's it's so disconnecting from the self because you were 939 00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,759 Speaker 2: disconnected from from a period of time from yourself. What 940 00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,600 Speaker 2: have been the things today that you feel connect you 941 00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,359 Speaker 2: to yourself? Like, what are the things that you love 942 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:50,360 Speaker 2: to do that make you kind of you know, smile 943 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,840 Speaker 2: and love and you know, bring joy to you. 944 00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:57,920 Speaker 1: I love talking to people. I love. I'm such a 945 00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:03,239 Speaker 1: like extroverted introvert. I really like I Relating is my 946 00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:06,239 Speaker 1: favorite thing in the whole world. And whether it's like 947 00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:10,440 Speaker 1: actually relating or having someone else or myself feel understood, 948 00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:13,920 Speaker 1: even if it's not necessarily relating, I love that. I 949 00:48:13,960 --> 00:48:18,560 Speaker 1: love writing songs. Writing songs is my greatest weapon in 950 00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:20,960 Speaker 1: this life. It's my favorite thing in the whole wide world. 951 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,959 Speaker 1: And I also, honestly, the thing that I like love 952 00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:26,080 Speaker 1: most in my life right now is like I love 953 00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:28,360 Speaker 1: watching my little brother grow up. That's kind of like 954 00:48:28,400 --> 00:48:31,640 Speaker 1: a complete segue, but yeah, he's like he's only a 955 00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:33,920 Speaker 1: couple of years younger than me, but he's like totally 956 00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:37,400 Speaker 1: my baby and so I'm like really trying to like 957 00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:41,680 Speaker 1: cherish watching him like grow up. So yeah, again, it's 958 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:44,040 Speaker 1: like all the people connections. I'm like, I love the 959 00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:45,840 Speaker 1: people in my life very much. 960 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:49,399 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. My youngest sister is like five years younger 961 00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:51,719 Speaker 2: than me, and so I remember like when she was born, 962 00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:55,560 Speaker 2: I remember holding her. Oh and she's getting married in 963 00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:59,800 Speaker 2: Oh my god, and she's thirty one, and it's just 964 00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:03,160 Speaker 2: like such a you know, I feel the same way, 965 00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:05,440 Speaker 2: like she's like my baby and he's getting married. Like 966 00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:08,040 Speaker 2: it's it's a crazy feeling. 967 00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:11,239 Speaker 1: It's insane. Yeah, it were you like a like a 968 00:49:11,520 --> 00:49:14,080 Speaker 1: like an emotionally it's kind of an avative question, I guess, 969 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,240 Speaker 1: But were you like an emotionally available older so older sibling. 970 00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:19,200 Speaker 2: I have a really good relation with my sister and 971 00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:21,520 Speaker 2: like she sees me that way as well. So yeah, definitely, 972 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:23,680 Speaker 2: I would say I was good, and I would say 973 00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:27,200 Speaker 2: that as she got older, though I kind of intentionally 974 00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:30,040 Speaker 2: I wouldn't say distance myself, but I intentionally gave her 975 00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:33,239 Speaker 2: space to build up those skills herself, and so I 976 00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:33,839 Speaker 2: started smart. 977 00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:37,640 Speaker 1: I'm not doing that with my brother. Like, Charles, how 978 00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:40,480 Speaker 1: do you feel about everything? Yeah, that's actually very smart. 979 00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, I just realized over time where it was like 980 00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:45,480 Speaker 2: I didn't want her to wait to wake up one 981 00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:47,719 Speaker 2: day if I wasn't around or whatever it was, or 982 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,560 Speaker 2: even right now I live across you know, the world, right, 983 00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:53,880 Speaker 2: the idea that she didn't have the tools and skills herself, 984 00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:57,279 Speaker 2: and I was really trying to help her build those 985 00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,239 Speaker 2: tools and skills herself. And I'm really proud that she's 986 00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:02,000 Speaker 2: been able to do that. And it's taken years of 987 00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:05,120 Speaker 2: doing that, sure, but it's almost like I wish it's 988 00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:07,160 Speaker 2: almost like when you know, when you first start riding 989 00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:09,359 Speaker 2: a bike, you have the stabilizers and your parents push 990 00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,120 Speaker 2: the bike. Yeah, and then your parents stop holding onto 991 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:13,719 Speaker 2: the bike and you just have to stabilize and maybe 992 00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:15,520 Speaker 2: fall off totally, and then you put the stabilizer and 993 00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:18,120 Speaker 2: then they get taken off. But it isn't like your 994 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,279 Speaker 2: parent like pushing you on a bike like when you're 995 00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,960 Speaker 2: twenty one years old. And so I feel like with mentorship, 996 00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:25,920 Speaker 2: with coaching, with anyone that I work with, like the 997 00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,840 Speaker 2: goals always like how do they develop the tools themselves? 998 00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:29,560 Speaker 1: That's cool? 999 00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,520 Speaker 2: What kind of tools do you think you're wanting to 1000 00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:34,560 Speaker 2: pass on or what are the lessons then, Oh my god, 1001 00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:37,239 Speaker 2: there's only a two year gap, So yeah, you're like 1002 00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,560 Speaker 2: accelerating your learning. 1003 00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:41,640 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I know, I like I really want 1004 00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:45,480 Speaker 1: my brother is so much like me in my like 1005 00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:48,960 Speaker 1: worst and best ways. I just want him to like 1006 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:53,560 Speaker 1: not beat himself up so much I went through so granted, 1007 00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:56,600 Speaker 1: I'm telling you that I still absolutely do. I don't, however, 1008 00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,480 Speaker 1: to the extent that I used to. I used to 1009 00:50:59,520 --> 00:51:04,960 Speaker 1: beat myself up into bad, bad places. It was tough, 1010 00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,040 Speaker 1: Like I again, like I couldn't sit with myself, I 1011 00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:10,160 Speaker 1: couldn't say something that I was proud of because it 1012 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:12,120 Speaker 1: would be every thought I had would be met with 1013 00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:16,320 Speaker 1: something else I didn't do. And I really want that 1014 00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,479 Speaker 1: for him, really really badly, because I don't I don't 1015 00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:22,920 Speaker 1: want I don't want anybody to beat themselves up the 1016 00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:27,360 Speaker 1: way that I beat myself up. Jesus Christ, it was exhausting. 1017 00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:30,799 Speaker 1: I can tell you firsthand. It's very exhausting. Nobody else 1018 00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:31,840 Speaker 1: did't really have to go through that. 1019 00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:33,960 Speaker 2: I don't think what age was that. Do you think 1020 00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:35,560 Speaker 2: you were like the harshest critic? 1021 00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:37,240 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I mean I feel like it honestly 1022 00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:39,959 Speaker 1: just started to be honest. When I started doing music 1023 00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:42,800 Speaker 1: and when I got signed, like in June of twenty 1024 00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:47,040 Speaker 1: twenty two, my life changed a ton, a ton because 1025 00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:51,640 Speaker 1: also I was working in a environment with a bunch 1026 00:51:51,719 --> 00:51:55,320 Speaker 1: of people who were choosing to be there and choosing 1027 00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:59,040 Speaker 1: to show up for me and choosing to help support 1028 00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:03,080 Speaker 1: and then foster the thing that I wanted so badly, 1029 00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,880 Speaker 1: and I felt like I had big support, Like I 1030 00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:09,440 Speaker 1: felt like I had big guns behind me, which was 1031 00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:13,440 Speaker 1: a huge, huge, abusive confidence and also made me want 1032 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:16,120 Speaker 1: to work really hard to prove to everybody that believed 1033 00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,440 Speaker 1: in me and was investing time and money let's be 1034 00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:22,600 Speaker 1: clear into me that I was worth it. And I 1035 00:52:22,680 --> 00:52:25,759 Speaker 1: don't know, I just felt really like uplifted, and I 1036 00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:28,240 Speaker 1: hadn't really felt that in a lot of like working 1037 00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:32,800 Speaker 1: situations before. I felt like everybody actually really cared what 1038 00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:35,239 Speaker 1: I had to say for the first time, and I 1039 00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:39,080 Speaker 1: had never felt that specifically in work never, So it's 1040 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:40,120 Speaker 1: really nice to have that. 1041 00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:44,880 Speaker 2: Well, yeah, it's it's amazing, isn't it. It's like we're 1042 00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:50,479 Speaker 2: constantly looking again for that external just kind of hard 1043 00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:53,480 Speaker 2: and it's always it was so programmed that way. 1044 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:56,240 Speaker 1: I write music for a living, like I make songs 1045 00:52:56,280 --> 00:52:58,560 Speaker 1: for a living, for people to listen to, like you 1046 00:52:58,640 --> 00:53:01,279 Speaker 1: know what I mean, like in a way that's inherently that. 1047 00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:02,680 Speaker 1: And that's not to say that I don't do it 1048 00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:06,279 Speaker 1: for myself at all. I absolutely do, but like you know, 1049 00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:09,719 Speaker 1: I go to a concert to perform, not for people 1050 00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:12,200 Speaker 1: to not have fun and not enjoy it. 1051 00:53:12,520 --> 00:53:16,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think that when you were obviously 1052 00:53:16,920 --> 00:53:19,359 Speaker 2: you didn't You didn't go to college because you were 1053 00:53:19,760 --> 00:53:21,400 Speaker 2: trying to, you know, get into the industry. You were 1054 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:23,000 Speaker 2: just saying that when you were young, you wanted to, 1055 00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:25,879 Speaker 2: you know, figure out the Disney thing or figure out 1056 00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,960 Speaker 2: this thing or whatever it may be. Absolutely imagine you 1057 00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:36,359 Speaker 2: sitting with ten year old Renee right now, what does 1058 00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:37,080 Speaker 2: she need to hear? 1059 00:53:38,160 --> 00:53:43,799 Speaker 1: I similar to have lived with a lot of ears 1060 00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:48,160 Speaker 1: of beating myself up. I used to just live with 1061 00:53:48,239 --> 00:53:52,759 Speaker 1: this like inherently guilt and regret like the cloud over me, 1062 00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:56,200 Speaker 1: like just in a big way. And I used to 1063 00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,080 Speaker 1: think that like, oh, I would tell my younger self 1064 00:53:58,160 --> 00:53:59,759 Speaker 1: to do like this and this and this better like 1065 00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:03,520 Speaker 1: this d d DA. I am now like really deciding 1066 00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:06,160 Speaker 1: to like not regret any of it. That's not to 1067 00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:08,320 Speaker 1: say that I don't want to hold myself accountable for 1068 00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,520 Speaker 1: things that I've done that aren't great, or for things 1069 00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:14,000 Speaker 1: that I inevitably will do that are not good, or 1070 00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:17,799 Speaker 1: that you know, don't serve myself for other people. That's 1071 00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:21,480 Speaker 1: a separate conversation. This is more about I'm really so 1072 00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,640 Speaker 1: incredibly proud of like such a lively, spunky, monstrous, little 1073 00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:29,640 Speaker 1: like ten year old girl who was so fearless, so fearless, 1074 00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:33,640 Speaker 1: like I was a rambunctious kid. I was crazy. I 1075 00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,480 Speaker 1: was inviting everybody in the neighborhood to my concerts on 1076 00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:39,719 Speaker 1: the fireplace, I was forcing people to come and listen 1077 00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:44,319 Speaker 1: to me, saying I was screaming for people to pay 1078 00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:47,160 Speaker 1: attention to me. And I'm really really glad that I 1079 00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:50,160 Speaker 1: did that. And I would just say, like, do everything 1080 00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:51,920 Speaker 1: how you feel like you're going to, and when you 1081 00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:55,640 Speaker 1: mess up, just listen to yourself that you've you've messed up. 1082 00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:58,759 Speaker 1: I would honestly just say, like everything she did was great, 1083 00:54:59,560 --> 00:55:04,120 Speaker 1: happy to be here. In you know, failures and in wins. 1084 00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:06,719 Speaker 2: You've talked about being so self aware, and you can 1085 00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:08,440 Speaker 2: hear it when you're you know, when I'm talking to 1086 00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:10,799 Speaker 2: you today, I'm like, there's such an awareness of who 1087 00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:13,400 Speaker 2: you were. There's such an awareness of who you are, 1088 00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:15,960 Speaker 2: what you're feeling at this stage in your life. What 1089 00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:18,839 Speaker 2: are you hoping to unlearn for the future and learn 1090 00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:20,279 Speaker 2: for the future. If there was one thing you had 1091 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:23,200 Speaker 2: to unlearn that you've developed, and if there's one thing 1092 00:55:23,239 --> 00:55:24,759 Speaker 2: you had to learn, what would you say they are? 1093 00:55:25,160 --> 00:55:27,680 Speaker 1: I would say something that I would like to learn 1094 00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:32,640 Speaker 1: is how to Like I'm so hyper aware of when 1095 00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,839 Speaker 1: I do this in situations, and I try so hard 1096 00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:39,480 Speaker 1: not to whenever someone is talking about something that they've 1097 00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:43,040 Speaker 1: experienced with somebody else, like if somebody has hurt their feelings, right, 1098 00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:45,240 Speaker 1: like if my best friend's talking to me about someone 1099 00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:48,960 Speaker 1: who has hurt them or harmed them or done them wrong. 1100 00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:52,160 Speaker 1: In the smallest or biggest sense of the word, all 1101 00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:55,360 Speaker 1: I can think in my brain is like, when have 1102 00:55:55,440 --> 00:55:56,920 Speaker 1: I done that in my life? And just start like 1103 00:55:57,040 --> 00:55:59,600 Speaker 1: spiraling down this like I remember when I did that 1104 00:55:59,719 --> 00:56:01,239 Speaker 1: to so and so, and like I need to call 1105 00:56:01,280 --> 00:56:02,759 Speaker 1: this person and be like, I'm so sorry for what 1106 00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:04,360 Speaker 1: I put you through when we're like four, Like you 1107 00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:06,400 Speaker 1: know what I mean, And I really would like to 1108 00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:10,239 Speaker 1: not center myself in what somebody else is talking about 1109 00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:13,799 Speaker 1: and it's not at least it's not consciously a selfish thing, 1110 00:56:14,200 --> 00:56:18,759 Speaker 1: like I'm not actively trying to make my friend's grievance 1111 00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:22,400 Speaker 1: about myself. I do, and I hate it because then 1112 00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:23,879 Speaker 1: I'm also like, oh my god, now I'm not as 1113 00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:26,440 Speaker 1: present with like my friend who's being so sweet and 1114 00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:30,360 Speaker 1: vulnerable with me, and now I'm doing a disservice to 1115 00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:35,000 Speaker 1: her by by not, you know, listening to her fully 1116 00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:38,120 Speaker 1: and being so hyper conscious of like how I've acted 1117 00:56:38,239 --> 00:56:40,520 Speaker 1: or how I could have possibly showed up that way. 1118 00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:43,160 Speaker 1: I really want to unlearn that. I'm trying so hard 1119 00:56:43,239 --> 00:56:46,960 Speaker 1: not to do that. I hate when I do that. Granted, 1120 00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,799 Speaker 1: if I just keep beating myself up for it, then 1121 00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:49,880 Speaker 1: I'm going to do it for the rest of my 1122 00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:51,440 Speaker 1: life and then I'm never going to like give myself 1123 00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:55,120 Speaker 1: grace for it something that I want to Well, I 1124 00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,359 Speaker 1: guess that's kind of learning, and I'm learning another thing 1125 00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:59,200 Speaker 1: that I want to like learn and learn. I need 1126 00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:03,200 Speaker 1: a little more like internal patients. I need internal patience. 1127 00:57:03,239 --> 00:57:07,680 Speaker 1: I need internal patients and external judgment really quick, Like 1128 00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:10,359 Speaker 1: I really need a lot of internal patients. I also 1129 00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:14,320 Speaker 1: need to like not give people who have hurt me 1130 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:17,880 Speaker 1: or done me wrong as much slack, Like it's okay 1131 00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:23,720 Speaker 1: to like say that, like no, thank you. I'm good 1132 00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,959 Speaker 1: at like being done when I'm done, but it takes 1133 00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:28,840 Speaker 1: me a second, right, you know, Like I think, like 1134 00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:30,919 Speaker 1: with that group of friends, like I should have taken 1135 00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:35,520 Speaker 1: maybe two things that happened before I ended up, like 1136 00:57:35,640 --> 00:57:37,720 Speaker 1: face up, you know before that. 1137 00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:40,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, it doesn't need to get to that extract correct 1138 00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:43,800 Speaker 2: those great answers, Yeah, great answers. How have you how 1139 00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:46,240 Speaker 2: have you kind of navigated the the you know again, 1140 00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:48,640 Speaker 2: we're doing much change you've talked about before, Like I 1141 00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:50,640 Speaker 2: think you were struggling with the eating disorder when you 1142 00:57:50,680 --> 00:57:54,720 Speaker 2: were ten. You've talked obviously about how you've had, you know, 1143 00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:57,960 Speaker 2: the gray area of your sexuality, like figuring that out. 1144 00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:02,040 Speaker 2: Like how have you got comfortable navigating like the gray when. 1145 00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:05,040 Speaker 1: It comes to like eating disorders, I think at least 1146 00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,880 Speaker 1: and this is not necessarily everyone else's opinion, but how 1147 00:58:07,960 --> 00:58:12,680 Speaker 1: I perceive it myself is eating disorders are something that 1148 00:58:12,840 --> 00:58:17,240 Speaker 1: you are always going to deal with and always going 1149 00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:20,600 Speaker 1: to have, right. And this is not to compare it 1150 00:58:20,720 --> 00:58:24,880 Speaker 1: to alcoholism, because it is in nowhere the same or 1151 00:58:25,040 --> 00:58:27,680 Speaker 1: different or whatever, it's not a comparison, but it is 1152 00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:30,440 Speaker 1: to say that like with alcohol, you can decide to 1153 00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:33,360 Speaker 1: put yourself in situations where there is going to be 1154 00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:36,040 Speaker 1: alcohol there or not, or like you are going to 1155 00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,160 Speaker 1: decide whether to drink or not, you are never going 1156 00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:41,120 Speaker 1: to decide whether you can eat or not. 1157 00:58:41,320 --> 00:58:41,920 Speaker 4: You have to. 1158 00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:42,840 Speaker 2: You have to. 1159 00:58:43,160 --> 00:58:46,080 Speaker 1: And again that is not to like put down or 1160 00:58:46,800 --> 00:58:50,720 Speaker 1: make little of alcoholism or any sort of struggle like that. 1161 00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,240 Speaker 1: My dad has been so over my whole life, but 1162 00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:56,439 Speaker 1: is an alcoholic, and this is something we talk about 1163 00:58:56,600 --> 00:58:59,919 Speaker 1: constantly and try to better understand each other. It's hard 1164 00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,720 Speaker 1: with an eating disorder that is just constantly going to 1165 00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:05,720 Speaker 1: be around you. You have to eat to survive. So 1166 00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:08,520 Speaker 1: that's a constant gray area for me. I feel like 1167 00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:11,240 Speaker 1: I talk about it every day, so it's always just 1168 00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:13,880 Speaker 1: like how did I do with it today? Or how 1169 00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:15,960 Speaker 1: am I going to do with it tomorrow. It's like 1170 00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:19,640 Speaker 1: living in a gray area, which is really frustrating because 1171 00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:21,440 Speaker 1: I think to myself a lot like I would love 1172 00:59:21,520 --> 00:59:23,600 Speaker 1: for this to be gone, but it is just not 1173 00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:26,080 Speaker 1: something that I'm never going to deal with. If I 1174 00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:29,840 Speaker 1: want to continue to be alive, I'm gonna be eating 1175 00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:32,640 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna have food around me, and that's going 1176 00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:36,840 Speaker 1: to make me feel crazy some days and out of 1177 00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:42,040 Speaker 1: control and insecure and really proud of myself and in 1178 00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:44,880 Speaker 1: full control other days. So there's a gray area with 1179 00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:50,120 Speaker 1: that constantly. When it comes to like sexuality, that's a 1180 00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:52,800 Speaker 1: whole other gray area that, like, at least for me, 1181 00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:58,520 Speaker 1: I over the last like six or seven months, have 1182 00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:04,120 Speaker 1: become less at least right now. But I think this 1183 01:00:04,280 --> 01:00:08,320 Speaker 1: is gonna sound so silly, but like I try too, 1184 01:00:08,680 --> 01:00:10,960 Speaker 1: And granted this is also very easy for me to say, 1185 01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:15,640 Speaker 1: because like I am a queer person who like is 1186 01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:17,479 Speaker 1: still at the end of the day like a white 1187 01:00:17,520 --> 01:00:20,200 Speaker 1: woman and his sisgender, and like I also am bisexual, 1188 01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:24,200 Speaker 1: so like I'm going to be in heteronormative relationships inevitably 1189 01:00:24,480 --> 01:00:28,800 Speaker 1: just based off of being bisexual potentially. I think for 1190 01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:32,480 Speaker 1: me it is easy to say, but I try to 1191 01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:36,160 Speaker 1: like view like the gray area or times when I'm 1192 01:00:36,240 --> 01:00:39,720 Speaker 1: like struggling for like a label if I don't feel 1193 01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:42,600 Speaker 1: like I'll go through conversations with like my girlfriend constantly 1194 01:00:42,640 --> 01:00:45,760 Speaker 1: and I'll be like, I actually feel incredibly not bisexual 1195 01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:47,720 Speaker 1: right now, like, and it's it's silly, but there are 1196 01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:49,480 Speaker 1: things we talk about all the time, both of us 1197 01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:51,520 Speaker 1: with each other, and I'm just gonna try to view 1198 01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:53,960 Speaker 1: it as like a little pink area, like it's all good, 1199 01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:56,920 Speaker 1: it's all cool, it's pink, it's good, it's good, whatever 1200 01:00:57,040 --> 01:01:00,120 Speaker 1: it is. Like, if I one day feel like this 1201 01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:03,240 Speaker 1: label or whatever or lack thereof does not suit me, 1202 01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:05,840 Speaker 1: then that's great. And that does not suit me, And 1203 01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:08,880 Speaker 1: I'm very fortunate to be able to make that decision 1204 01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:12,280 Speaker 1: and have that not affect my life in an incredibly 1205 01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:15,600 Speaker 1: massive way. A lot of other people are not. But 1206 01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:18,919 Speaker 1: I view it as a little pink area. It's just good. 1207 01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:23,360 Speaker 1: I'm trying not to be so angry with myself about it. 1208 01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:27,640 Speaker 1: I struggled to like want a rhyme and a reason 1209 01:01:27,720 --> 01:01:29,800 Speaker 1: and a label and a season to make sense every 1210 01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:33,760 Speaker 1: single day, and I'm just not there, yea. And I 1211 01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:35,919 Speaker 1: don't think a lot of people are. So I think 1212 01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:39,360 Speaker 1: it's fine. Like straight people at least as far as 1213 01:01:39,360 --> 01:01:40,960 Speaker 1: I'm concerned. I don't like wake up every day and 1214 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,520 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, what level of straight am 1215 01:01:42,560 --> 01:01:45,000 Speaker 1: I today? And then if you are one of those people, 1216 01:01:45,040 --> 01:01:46,680 Speaker 1: you're likely queer, so you. 1217 01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:50,040 Speaker 2: Know, yeah, we're so hardwired to be like, you have 1218 01:01:50,240 --> 01:01:53,600 Speaker 2: to choose an answer. Oh yeah, whether it was school, 1219 01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,360 Speaker 2: whether it was parents. Who's like, there's always one right answer. 1220 01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:58,480 Speaker 2: You had to figure it out. There were no other options, 1221 01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:00,560 Speaker 2: there was no great yeah, right or wrong? 1222 01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:01,000 Speaker 1: Yes? 1223 01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:02,840 Speaker 2: And so I think we still live in the right 1224 01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:06,120 Speaker 2: or wrong and so it's really hard to be like, well, 1225 01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:07,560 Speaker 2: if I don't have the right answer, I must have 1226 01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,720 Speaker 2: the wrong answer. But I know this isn't wrong because 1227 01:02:09,720 --> 01:02:11,360 Speaker 2: it's how I feel. So then how do I make 1228 01:02:11,400 --> 01:02:14,920 Speaker 2: it right? And it's so confusing And so I love 1229 01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:16,720 Speaker 2: the pink. I love the pink. 1230 01:02:16,840 --> 01:02:22,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, just a little pink area. I'm just I love it. 1231 01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:26,600 Speaker 2: Renee, You've been so vulnerable, so gracious, so kind of 1232 01:02:26,680 --> 01:02:29,280 Speaker 2: your time today. I'm so grateful to get to know 1233 01:02:29,400 --> 01:02:31,479 Speaker 2: you today, and thank you for letting us into your mind. 1234 01:02:31,520 --> 01:02:33,440 Speaker 2: You know, I really feel when I was sitting with 1235 01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:35,400 Speaker 2: you today, I was like, you really just kind of 1236 01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,680 Speaker 2: opened up your mind and let us walk in. And 1237 01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,720 Speaker 2: I appreciate that because it's hard to do that. And 1238 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,680 Speaker 2: I felt like you opened up some cupboards and some drawers, 1239 01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:47,120 Speaker 2: you know. But Renee, we end every on Purpose episode 1240 01:02:47,160 --> 01:02:49,680 Speaker 2: with a fast five. These final five have to be 1241 01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:53,240 Speaker 2: answered in one word to one sentence maximum. I may 1242 01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:56,360 Speaker 2: ask you to expand and I'll let you know. All right, So, Renee, 1243 01:02:56,600 --> 01:02:58,960 Speaker 2: these are your final five or fast five. Question one, 1244 01:02:59,040 --> 01:03:01,880 Speaker 2: what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? 1245 01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:03,680 Speaker 1: Integrity over everything? 1246 01:03:03,800 --> 01:03:08,320 Speaker 2: M okay, great. Second question, what is the worst advice 1247 01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:10,600 Speaker 2: you've ever heard or received? Oh? 1248 01:03:10,680 --> 01:03:13,960 Speaker 1: Just stop trying to care? My god, you see hear that. 1249 01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:17,840 Speaker 2: All the time, going, yeah, you are gonna care? 1250 01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:19,760 Speaker 1: Like, are you kidding me? Now? I care more because 1251 01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:23,680 Speaker 1: I care about not caring. Ridiculous. 1252 01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:25,520 Speaker 2: Oh god, that's a good one. We've never had that 1253 01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:27,120 Speaker 2: on the show before. I like that, all right. Question 1254 01:03:27,240 --> 01:03:30,000 Speaker 2: number three, what's the part of yourself that you're most 1255 01:03:30,080 --> 01:03:31,120 Speaker 2: deeply trying to love? 1256 01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:34,440 Speaker 1: This is very two things for me. First, first and 1257 01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:37,200 Speaker 1: foremost my mistakes, things that I've done that I don't 1258 01:03:37,240 --> 01:03:38,800 Speaker 1: agree with, the things that I've done that I'm not 1259 01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:41,680 Speaker 1: proud of. I'm trying to like make peace with them, 1260 01:03:41,720 --> 01:03:44,000 Speaker 1: I guess is a better word, and do better from them. 1261 01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:46,680 Speaker 1: And second, like, honestly is somebody like. 1262 01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:52,520 Speaker 3: With incredible incredible you know, lengths of difficulty of eating disorders, 1263 01:03:52,600 --> 01:03:55,280 Speaker 3: like my like body and like the like skin that 1264 01:03:55,360 --> 01:03:57,360 Speaker 3: I like live in and like my like vessel that 1265 01:03:57,440 --> 01:03:58,960 Speaker 3: I just like operate in. 1266 01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:02,160 Speaker 1: Very very hard for me, so hard. 1267 01:04:02,040 --> 01:04:08,040 Speaker 2: For me, Thank you. Okay. Question number four, what's something 1268 01:04:08,200 --> 01:04:14,520 Speaker 2: that you think people value but you don't really value keeping. 1269 01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:15,520 Speaker 1: It cool all the time? 1270 01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:15,800 Speaker 2: Oh? 1271 01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:19,520 Speaker 1: Interesting, I'm very pro and this is just who I am. 1272 01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:21,720 Speaker 1: And I guess maybe how I was raised or high work, 1273 01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:25,760 Speaker 1: I'm not sure. I love to just like let your 1274 01:04:25,760 --> 01:04:28,520 Speaker 1: emotions get the best of themselves sometimes. I think that's 1275 01:04:29,440 --> 01:04:32,920 Speaker 1: really important, at least it is for me. I'm very 1276 01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,640 Speaker 1: very anti keep it in and deal with it and 1277 01:04:36,760 --> 01:04:40,080 Speaker 1: like try to regulate your emotions. I think that like, 1278 01:04:40,160 --> 01:04:42,240 Speaker 1: if you need them to be big in a way, 1279 01:04:42,720 --> 01:04:45,040 Speaker 1: let them be big in a way that feels like 1280 01:04:45,200 --> 01:04:48,720 Speaker 1: safe and careful for like yourself and the people you're around, 1281 01:04:49,360 --> 01:04:52,600 Speaker 1: because if not, then that's just so stupid. 1282 01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:53,120 Speaker 4: I was. 1283 01:04:53,240 --> 01:04:55,240 Speaker 1: I was shamed for so many years. This is not 1284 01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:56,960 Speaker 1: a short answer. I was shamed for so many years 1285 01:04:56,960 --> 01:04:59,920 Speaker 1: of my life for being so hyper emotional and crying 1286 01:05:00,080 --> 01:05:04,160 Speaker 1: so much and like getting angry so fast. And that 1287 01:05:04,360 --> 01:05:07,840 Speaker 1: is something I just I don't value the like being 1288 01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:12,240 Speaker 1: quiet and like the controlling your emotions and keeping things 1289 01:05:12,320 --> 01:05:15,080 Speaker 1: at bay. I value like being very true to how 1290 01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,800 Speaker 1: you feel, whether that's a good feeling or not. 1291 01:05:17,360 --> 01:05:20,280 Speaker 2: That's powerful. Yeah, And how have you found a way 1292 01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:21,800 Speaker 2: of doing that in a way that it doesn't you 1293 01:05:21,880 --> 01:05:24,240 Speaker 2: said you said a statement you're like to be mindful of, 1294 01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:26,240 Speaker 2: Like you didn't say mindful what you said to be 1295 01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:29,720 Speaker 2: aware of how it affects yourself and people your love, Like, 1296 01:05:29,960 --> 01:05:31,960 Speaker 2: how do you kind of get that? Because sometimes, like 1297 01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:34,480 Speaker 2: you said, an emotion could be so big and so 1298 01:05:34,760 --> 01:05:37,480 Speaker 2: real and so visceral. But then how do you kind 1299 01:05:37,480 --> 01:05:39,520 Speaker 2: of how have you found a way to do that, 1300 01:05:39,680 --> 01:05:41,120 Speaker 2: or at least how are you trying to find a 1301 01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:41,600 Speaker 2: way to do that. 1302 01:05:41,720 --> 01:05:45,440 Speaker 1: I have in beating myself up less. I'm not like 1303 01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:50,200 Speaker 1: a physical danger to myself, which is great because I 1304 01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:53,880 Speaker 1: used to like get really really really angry, and like 1305 01:05:54,400 --> 01:05:58,680 Speaker 1: I would, like you know, so many people do. I 1306 01:05:58,720 --> 01:06:00,320 Speaker 1: don't know like what it is or what it isn't. 1307 01:06:00,440 --> 01:06:02,200 Speaker 1: My dad and I have talked about this at length, 1308 01:06:02,320 --> 01:06:04,920 Speaker 1: because he said he did the same things as I 1309 01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:06,920 Speaker 1: did as a kid. But like I would either like 1310 01:06:07,120 --> 01:06:09,440 Speaker 1: like bang my head against the wall or like like 1311 01:06:09,600 --> 01:06:11,920 Speaker 1: hit my arms or things like that, or like tweak 1312 01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:14,640 Speaker 1: out or freak out, and the more I've stopped like 1313 01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:17,320 Speaker 1: beating myself up for it, and the more I've just 1314 01:06:17,360 --> 01:06:19,000 Speaker 1: been like, oh, these are just things that I feel, 1315 01:06:19,040 --> 01:06:21,240 Speaker 1: and I feel in a really big way. And the 1316 01:06:21,320 --> 01:06:23,480 Speaker 1: more I'm around people who allow me to feel in 1317 01:06:23,520 --> 01:06:28,240 Speaker 1: a big way, the less I hurt myself, the less 1318 01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:30,120 Speaker 1: I like feel the need to like bang my head 1319 01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:34,840 Speaker 1: against so all. I feel like if I'm around somebody 1320 01:06:34,920 --> 01:06:37,360 Speaker 1: who's like, oh, this is upsetting you, that's okay, that's 1321 01:06:37,600 --> 01:06:39,440 Speaker 1: that upsets you, I don't even get to that point. 1322 01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:42,040 Speaker 1: So for me, it's about like the company I keep 1323 01:06:42,160 --> 01:06:45,600 Speaker 1: and the things that people are saying to me. That 1324 01:06:45,760 --> 01:06:48,040 Speaker 1: being said, I also know that like certain people in 1325 01:06:48,160 --> 01:06:52,440 Speaker 1: my life, like my mom, for instance, is the greatest. 1326 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:57,040 Speaker 1: My mom does not like to see me incredibly upset 1327 01:06:57,120 --> 01:06:59,280 Speaker 1: all the time. And that's not to say she can't 1328 01:06:59,360 --> 01:07:01,600 Speaker 1: deal with me upset, but that is to say that 1329 01:07:02,080 --> 01:07:04,640 Speaker 1: I'm an adult and I know that I don't want 1330 01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:07,640 Speaker 1: to put my mother through turmoil every day by calling 1331 01:07:07,720 --> 01:07:10,040 Speaker 1: her and telling the telling her the ten things that 1332 01:07:10,240 --> 01:07:12,640 Speaker 1: upset me, because she lives three thousand miles away from 1333 01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:14,840 Speaker 1: me and will panic, you know. So it's like it's 1334 01:07:14,840 --> 01:07:17,200 Speaker 1: about going to the right people and I go to her, 1335 01:07:17,360 --> 01:07:20,200 Speaker 1: of course, but like not in a way that he's 1336 01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:23,920 Speaker 1: gonna upset her or hurt her day, because I you know, 1337 01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:28,560 Speaker 1: she's my mama. But yeah, yeah, I think the company 1338 01:07:28,720 --> 01:07:29,360 Speaker 1: keep is important. 1339 01:07:29,720 --> 01:07:33,080 Speaker 2: Fifth and final question, if you could create wels to 1340 01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:35,200 Speaker 2: every single guest who's ever been on. If you could 1341 01:07:35,280 --> 01:07:38,040 Speaker 2: create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, 1342 01:07:38,520 --> 01:07:39,040 Speaker 2: what would it be? 1343 01:07:39,240 --> 01:07:39,720 Speaker 1: What's a law? 1344 01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:48,000 Speaker 2: A law? What is that my accent, my accident? Yeah, folklore? Law? 1345 01:07:48,320 --> 01:07:51,240 Speaker 1: That is the right law? Law at no, no, no, no, 1346 01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:52,840 Speaker 1: say lore, I like it. 1347 01:07:53,040 --> 01:07:53,240 Speaker 4: Law. 1348 01:07:54,920 --> 01:07:58,720 Speaker 1: What is one law or law that I would like 1349 01:07:58,840 --> 01:08:01,760 Speaker 1: everybody to follow. I grew up in North Carolina, I 1350 01:08:01,840 --> 01:08:04,080 Speaker 1: grew up in the South. Like I would love like 1351 01:08:04,240 --> 01:08:10,720 Speaker 1: a law where everybody was just like not so hateful personally. 1352 01:08:10,840 --> 01:08:13,200 Speaker 1: I would love that the town that I grew up in, 1353 01:08:13,360 --> 01:08:15,640 Speaker 1: like you drive right out of the neighborhood and that's 1354 01:08:15,680 --> 01:08:18,920 Speaker 1: like a dangerous place for like friends of mine to 1355 01:08:19,080 --> 01:08:21,679 Speaker 1: be in. I would love if we just like maybe 1356 01:08:21,760 --> 01:08:24,439 Speaker 1: weren't like incredibly hateful. 1357 01:08:24,560 --> 01:08:28,040 Speaker 2: That's a good look. Renee wrap everyone's snow angel. I'm 1358 01:08:28,120 --> 01:08:30,760 Speaker 2: so grateful to have your time and energy, and I 1359 01:08:30,840 --> 01:08:32,519 Speaker 2: know everyone's going to be streaming more and more, and 1360 01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:35,040 Speaker 2: I can't wait to have you back on years from 1361 01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:37,400 Speaker 2: now and to learn more about what you've unlearned, what 1362 01:08:37,479 --> 01:08:40,360 Speaker 2: you've learned, what you've gained wisdom along the way. I'm 1363 01:08:40,400 --> 01:08:41,439 Speaker 2: to hear about your brother too. 1364 01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:43,240 Speaker 1: Oh my god, he's a cute Thanks. 1365 01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,839 Speaker 2: I love it. Renee, thank you so much. And everyone's 1366 01:08:45,840 --> 01:08:48,479 Speaker 2: been listening or watching. Make sure that you tag Renee 1367 01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:50,200 Speaker 2: and I with the things that stood out to you, 1368 01:08:50,360 --> 01:08:52,760 Speaker 2: the words that came from her that meant something to you. 1369 01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:55,920 Speaker 2: Maybe you've had similar experiences or things you've been through 1370 01:08:56,000 --> 01:08:57,920 Speaker 2: that you want to share back with us. Please do 1371 01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,040 Speaker 2: tag both of us across TikTok, Instagram, and across any 1372 01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:03,360 Speaker 2: social media platform that you're using to make sure that 1373 01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:05,320 Speaker 2: we see it. Renee, thank you so much again. 1374 01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:05,800 Speaker 1: Thank you. 1375 01:09:06,040 --> 01:09:07,040 Speaker 2: I'm you're the sweeterest. 1376 01:09:07,200 --> 01:09:08,519 Speaker 1: Oh my god, such a sweetheart. 1377 01:09:08,760 --> 01:09:09,360 Speaker 2: Such a pleasure. 1378 01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:10,240 Speaker 1: Thank you appreciate it. 1379 01:09:10,520 --> 01:09:13,600 Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with 1380 01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:17,680 Speaker 2: Megan Trainer on breaking generational trauma and how to be 1381 01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:19,720 Speaker 2: confident from the inside out. 1382 01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:22,560 Speaker 4: My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for 1383 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,599 Speaker 4: five minutes. It was already tough for me to love 1384 01:09:24,640 --> 01:09:27,320 Speaker 4: my body, but after the C section scarf with all 1385 01:09:27,439 --> 01:09:29,680 Speaker 4: the stretch marks. Now I'm looking at myself like I've 1386 01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:32,200 Speaker 4: been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I 1387 01:09:32,320 --> 01:09:34,000 Speaker 4: was like, you know what, her thigh is a cute