Speaker 1: You're ready. I'm ready. Everybody's ready. Welcome back to another
Speaker 1: episode of Altim. That's right, you're listening to it. You've
Speaker 1: got nothing better to do, and God bless you because
Speaker 1: this is the only thing you should be doing. I'm
Speaker 1: your guest host, Joey got I don't know. I still
Speaker 1: can't say my last thing. I don't know what's up
Speaker 1: Kevin Pollock. He is out there fighting the good fight.
Speaker 1: He apparently has been shrunk down to the size of
Speaker 1: an atom and inside my body right now fighting up
Speaker 1: some virus that also he injected me with. So we'll
Speaker 1: see how this goes. But I think he's doing good.
Speaker 1: I haven't felt him kicking around, but I know he's there.
Speaker 1: We got a crazy show today. We got the court.
Speaker 1: We got the people that you want, the people that
Speaker 1: you need, the people that sing to your eyeballs and
Speaker 1: come out your ears. I'm talking about the loveliest. Let's
Speaker 1: get right to it. Jackie Ruth, how are you, Joey.
Speaker 1: I'm doing great. I feel energized, electrified. I'm feeling really good.
Speaker 1: You're coming You're coming out with great energy and you're
Speaker 1: receiving it. I'm taking it right into the chest. And
Speaker 1: the reason I got this energy is because I have
Speaker 1: a one time offer I want to give everybody right now,
Speaker 1: What would it be like to be your own boss? Yeah?
Speaker 1: What would it be like to be your own boss?
Speaker 1: I'm asking just as right now, and I can get
Speaker 1: you on a track that's gonna make you a superstar.
Speaker 1: What do you say? Can I do it in installments?
Speaker 1: Then we've got an issue. Okay, alright, but I want
Speaker 1: it and I think it's a great idea. Let me
Speaker 1: see if I can get a couple of friends, maybe
Speaker 1: we can pull together and become our own bosses together.
Speaker 1: I love that. All right, Let's get to the next cutie.
Speaker 1: It's James, Henny, James, how are you? I got a
Speaker 1: question for you? How would you like to be your
Speaker 1: own boss? How would I like to be my own boss? Well?
Speaker 1: I am my own boss. I don't have a job
Speaker 1: per se, but well, I'm the boss of my own
Speaker 1: time management, and god is it. I'm a tough boss
Speaker 1: because the boss really wants to play dead by daylight
Speaker 1: a lot. And it's hard when I'm like, God, Boss,
Speaker 1: I have a lot of other stuff I need to
Speaker 1: get done, and boss man me is like, well, there's
Speaker 1: daily challenges and dead by daylight, and if you don't
Speaker 1: get those done, then you can't get a new one
Speaker 1: for tomorrow. Okay, so are you hiring or But you
Speaker 1: know what's really more important than all the I'm looking
Speaker 1: here and I got a couple of weeks ago, I
Speaker 1: complained about how we didn't have any reviews to read,
Speaker 1: and they just started pouring in. Let me just share
Speaker 1: one with you, and this one's from ryland Um and
Speaker 1: it's the title of the podcast of the reef five
Speaker 1: star review is my favorite podcast, alchemy. This is just
Speaker 1: fun to listen to the entire cast and all the
Speaker 1: guests are consistently hilarious. My vibes have improved and my
Speaker 1: skin has gotten smoother since I've started listening. I'll save
Speaker 1: the other ones for some other time, but they're great.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Just keep it rolling in. That's great. That
Speaker 1: that kind of positive energy. That's the wave, if you will.
Speaker 1: They were riding all the way next to our surfer
Speaker 1: in house, Chris, and this serves up I got a
Speaker 1: question for you now. I'm working for James and things
Speaker 1: are going well, but our warehouses running low on some
Speaker 1: PC pieces. What's the best thing you got for me,
Speaker 1: because all I have is six thousand dollars. What can
Speaker 1: I trade? Okay, you can get yourself a slightly used
Speaker 1: but very functional bark lift. Okay, help with our PC?
Speaker 1: Right and now is it diesel? You know it? Blah
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. Oh man, I'm in the great mood.
Speaker 1: Oh that motor is drowning. Okay. And speaking of droning,
Speaker 1: we have the king of lung capacity. That's right, Craig Cowski. Creig,
Speaker 1: you hold the world record for longest breath held at
Speaker 1: a live show. That was sixty minutes in twelve seconds.
Speaker 1: It was a little taste of what went into the
Speaker 1: mindset of that feet. Well, that was it was an
Speaker 1: improv show. First of all. That was a It was
Speaker 1: a two person improv show. My wife Carla uh delivered
Speaker 1: the first line. I then held my breath for sixty
Speaker 1: four minutes, and the waves of laughter were interesting because
Speaker 1: I think at first people were stunned, um, and then
Speaker 1: I think people just started uncomfortably laughing of like he's
Speaker 1: not gonna say anything, He's just holding his breath. And
Speaker 1: then I think people were impressed by the feet for
Speaker 1: my feet, because I'd never wear shoes in performance. Uh,
Speaker 1: and so they kind of focused down there. Then I
Speaker 1: think people went to the bar and started getting drinks. Um.
Speaker 1: And then uh and then just like uh, and then
Speaker 1: I think people were concerned. Paramedics showed up at at
Speaker 1: one point, and then I kind of like fended them
Speaker 1: off with a you know, a well placed index finger
Speaker 1: because I was still holding the breath. Um, Carla got nervous,
Speaker 1: started trying to improvise a round the moment. UH drops
Speaker 1: character a few times, like asked crash okay, okay. But
Speaker 1: by the end of the show. Um, First of all,
Speaker 1: there was like two herald teams like in the wings,
Speaker 1: angry because we've gone over time over time at this point.
Speaker 1: But the Guinness people showed up and gave me a
Speaker 1: a plaque at the end when I let the bread out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then I delivered the perfect response to her opening line.
Speaker 1: That's what it is. That's why he's the goat. I
Speaker 1: only take an hour in five minutes to think of
Speaker 1: every line of dialogue. But it's it's on point. I'll
Speaker 1: tell you what. When it's delivered, it's there's nothing sweeter
Speaker 1: a little edible arrangement for writing. Thanks for writing that
Speaker 1: monologue for me. By the way, all our scene suggestions
Speaker 1: are flying in from people who are really these are bots, okay,
Speaker 1: these are human beings that are writing these things. Given
Speaker 1: it to us being like, hey, I got a good idea.
Speaker 1: Why don't you try right, and then we read it
Speaker 1: and guess what, it was a great idea. So if
Speaker 1: you want your idea read on your life like this,
Speaker 1: send it to us. There's two ways for you to
Speaker 1: do it. The first, which is what we appreciate it
Speaker 1: to Patreon, give a dollar, give a hundred thousand dollars,
Speaker 1: give whatever you can give. All right, we're gonna put
Speaker 1: you in a priority bracket. We're gonna read those suggestions first.
Speaker 1: But if you can't spare the change, I totally get it.
Speaker 1: There's still a pandemic. We got an email you can
Speaker 1: send it to, and that email is Alchemy. This email
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com, once again dot com. I mean,
Speaker 1: this is why people aren't able to email. It's just
Speaker 1: hard to hear. So let's do this, all right. We
Speaker 1: got our first suggestion from an alcmaniac Patreon baby I
Speaker 1: like to see it, Nikolas Makawa, and the scene suggestion
Speaker 1: is such someone who can't recall a certain word, place,
Speaker 1: or movie and can't ever let it go simply the
Speaker 1: best Nicolas. No, I don't really travel much, but that's
Speaker 1: really cool that that you do. That's that's great. Um,
Speaker 1: I mean like against travel. I just like with work
Speaker 1: and everything else is so busy, it's hard to get
Speaker 1: any free time. Not that I wouldn't want to travel
Speaker 1: with you, Not that I'm saying we would go traveling.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, sure, are you? Are you talking? Yes? I'm
Speaker 1: going on a first date in just a moment, and
Speaker 1: I'm I'm a little nervous. Yeah. Yeah, I've been running
Speaker 1: security at this moll for about six years, see a
Speaker 1: lot of first dates, you know. I bet? I bet? Bet?
Speaker 1: Do you have like a do you have like a
Speaker 1: like a like a walking pattern? You start like a
Speaker 1: certain store, go to a certain like pretzels are like
Speaker 1: what's the best way to get the most out of
Speaker 1: my day at this mall? Oh? You want me to
Speaker 1: deputize you? No? No, I just mean, like, do you
Speaker 1: know if there's a more romantic pattern, like you know,
Speaker 1: Victoria's secret. That's too much, but let maybe like a
Speaker 1: hot topic or something. Yeah, the most romantic thing I
Speaker 1: can think of is that, Well, there's that key making
Speaker 1: kiosks you can go to. Okay, and then and then
Speaker 1: what what would you say next after that? I guess
Speaker 1: had hit up the jubies. Oh yeah, that's fun. Okay,
Speaker 1: and then for what at Wessel's Pretzels? Two for one
Speaker 1: at Wessel's Pretzels? Fuck? Anti Enne can get out of here, Antienne,
Speaker 1: I gotta I gotta handle this. Break get up, break
Speaker 1: it up, breaking. What are you doing giving two for one?
Speaker 1: I told you that's our deal. Anyone could do with
Speaker 1: two for one? Anti Anne? Come now, Mr Wetzel, Mrs Anna.
Speaker 1: This is a family mall, This is family. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: make family pretzels for a family mall. Now let's get
Speaker 1: this pretzel situation under good show. Okay. I called DIBs
Speaker 1: on two for once. I said he could have fifty.
Speaker 1: I said that he could do any other kind of deal.
Speaker 1: And I had dips on two for one. What's gonna
Speaker 1: make any difference between Westels and anti Enn's If it's
Speaker 1: not our special centertists signed this food court to put
Speaker 1: the two of us right next to each other, then
Speaker 1: who cares? Okay, that's the way God intended it, because
Speaker 1: this is a Christian family. Mall all right, praise Jesus.
Speaker 1: Hey hi, Oh, oh my god, it's you. It's you.
Speaker 1: It's your your your name is um. Oh my god. Okay,
Speaker 1: this is good, this is good. I'm all like, what's
Speaker 1: your name? Yeah? Oh god, let me check the apple. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I get, just tell you, I get, just tell me,
Speaker 1: just tell me to varus. Oh that's why I've never
Speaker 1: heard those syllables together. That's funny. So I have a
Speaker 1: little bit of a plan. It's not just meet me
Speaker 1: at the mall. I couldn't have a little really, Wow,
Speaker 1: we're gonna start running here at this key ask See
Speaker 1: it's like a playoff. It's a kiosk, but it's like
Speaker 1: they make keys here. And I was thinking I would
Speaker 1: give you the key to like to like my heart. Oh,
Speaker 1: I think that's kind of too soon for sure. See.
Speaker 1: When I was traveling in Madrid, I always thought to myself,
Speaker 1: there's no reason to have locked doors and and and
Speaker 1: I think the keys represent putting up walls between you
Speaker 1: to travel. I would like to travel, but I don't
Speaker 1: get to travel lot because of work. But I would
Speaker 1: like to travel sometime I'm not with you, not to
Speaker 1: say that you're Travis Trevors. Travis please, Oh I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: Trevoris Trevors. Listen. That sounded like a canned response. I
Speaker 1: just want to be in the moment with you. You
Speaker 1: need some keys, some keys made? Yeah, we do. Actually,
Speaker 1: how about we'll start with one friendship key. I don't
Speaker 1: I don't need to know what there for. Just hand
Speaker 1: hand me the key, sir, I don't want a key.
Speaker 1: You can make a key for him. Okay. When I
Speaker 1: traveled in Madrid, I said, as I was saying earlier,
Speaker 1: I think keys are just a sign of locking yourself away.
Speaker 1: And went out in Paris. But sorry, I I was
Speaker 1: thinking about the death of my dad. What what were
Speaker 1: we saying? Never mind, we're gonna head over to zoo.
Speaker 1: He let's go to z No, no, no, no, no, no. First,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, we're gonna have to shut down the kioskar.
Speaker 1: You just keep forgetting to pay on time. I'm sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: what so we're just thinking about my dad? Said, it's
Speaker 1: been a tough year. How's he doing here? How's he doing? Yeah?
Speaker 1: You were at the Fugere at the funeral. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I forgot I forgot you gave me a big hug
Speaker 1: at the funeral. I forgot I did that. I'm sorry, Bruce.
Speaker 1: It's alright, it happens. It happens. What what were you saying? Um?
Speaker 1: That was I saying? Uh uh, I don't remember. Oh,
Speaker 1: there's a space that's available. You wanna you wanna take
Speaker 1: over the the old foot locker. I mean if if
Speaker 1: we go to a full size store kind of negates
Speaker 1: the name of the kiosk. And I was thinking maybe
Speaker 1: we can get a little bite. I was thinking pretzel,
Speaker 1: perhaps many as I would get one wet cels. Get
Speaker 1: a pretzel, Get a pretzel. Oh that's a good sales pitch.
Speaker 1: Are you buy pretzel? Get a pretzel? Wet sols? Are
Speaker 1: you any any ants who doesn't love their auntie? Are
Speaker 1: you in any inn? Or you a wetzel person? We
Speaker 1: got cheese, we got dips. I did mind my dough
Speaker 1: and butter and then I roll it in and sugar. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what a sweet pretzel pretzel. Oh. Ever, since I got
Speaker 1: back from Germany, I just don't like none of the
Speaker 1: pet here. You get this hot dog on a stick.
Speaker 1: Even worse like in Germany when I was traveling there,
Speaker 1: they have way better, hot dog. I think he's like
Speaker 1: robbing us, But I think I think this is that's right,
Speaker 1: that's right, right dog, shepherded a right dog. Oh why
Speaker 1: didn't they sharpened? Do what he says? Says this happens
Speaker 1: a hundred times a day. Oh ahead, give me everything.
Speaker 1: You get your heart, I got your key now, motherfucker.
Speaker 1: Um I, there's there's been an issue. I don't know
Speaker 1: how long the lady is going to be in Nordstrom.
Speaker 1: I don't know how long I have to fix this problem.
Speaker 1: But um, I was parking the yards and a guy
Speaker 1: came up and he held me up, and he took
Speaker 1: the keys, and he stole the car and I was
Speaker 1: in danger. So I didn't do anything. You hated that car.
Speaker 1: I hated the car, and now it got stolen out
Speaker 1: of as. I don't have any preference about the cars
Speaker 1: I will value. You said it was a stupid ball,
Speaker 1: that's what you said, Valley park anything. It's just electric hybrid,
Speaker 1: straight up gas diesel. Gosh, if you want to fill
Speaker 1: it up with like, just drown it in diesel, you
Speaker 1: can go ahead. Gorgy, Gorgy, I'm sick of this, Gorgy.
Speaker 1: You constantly get these things stolen or lost. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: but there is a woman who has been left at Nordstrom.
Speaker 1: She's looking around. She doesn't know where to go or
Speaker 1: what to do. If this is your woman at Nordstrom,
Speaker 1: please help her. God bless you, may Jesus save your lives.
Speaker 1: Jesus say, is that your Nortrom lady? I mean it
Speaker 1: could be if she's the woman who owns the rs anymore,
Speaker 1: it's stolen, the thief owns the yours. Now, I told
Speaker 1: you when I was born into this family that I
Speaker 1: did not want to be on ballet duty. I told
Speaker 1: you that I would be better in a kiosk gorgy.
Speaker 1: This is a Christian family, mall family run. Excuse me,
Speaker 1: praise Jesus. I heard that announcement. I think I might
Speaker 1: have left a woman at Nordstrom. Okay, okay, it's just
Speaker 1: your wife. Yeah, yeah, great, great, it's if you've got
Speaker 1: these ministairs, it's not a full flight, it's just like
Speaker 1: it's a half. Then you enter the North Show and
Speaker 1: it'll it'll pop you in the men's department and you'll
Speaker 1: get confused. But if you keep going past that, you'll
Speaker 1: hit shoes and then they'll be an escalator. And you
Speaker 1: can take that down and there's that's where the Ladies
Speaker 1: is going to be. The Ladies depart, but you don't
Speaker 1: know where specifically. My lady is within Nordstrom. Yeah, yo,
Speaker 1: yo yo. And check out what I coughed at the
Speaker 1: fucking mall today. I look at this huh free free
Speaker 1: there's just a ball. It's garbage car. Damn, it's like
Speaker 1: a ball. Yeah. I mean if they were giving away
Speaker 1: three cars, I guess, but like i'd return it. I
Speaker 1: return that gets something better than yours. You should return it? Yeah, right, student?
Speaker 1: And what's up with this holies? Just like a hundred
Speaker 1: Bibles in the back seat? Man? What the I don't
Speaker 1: know missing a Bible car. Let me look at one
Speaker 1: of them. What does it say? What does it say?
Speaker 1: Oh jinks? What it starts with Genesis? I love Genesis,
Speaker 1: that band from the all right, all right, all right,
Speaker 1: all right, A long time ago in this galaxy there
Speaker 1: was nothing and then oh my god, this is really
Speaker 1: touching story. Well, um, I guess we've made it to
Speaker 1: the luggage and leather store kind of the last. This
Speaker 1: is stopping them all. This was perfect. I love traveling. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: we want yes, yes, yes, please, do you want to
Speaker 1: say a bag? Yes? Please? So earlier you couldn't remember
Speaker 1: my name, and I thought it was gonna be a
Speaker 1: whole thing, but it's not really. I don't know, just
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to turn into something, but
Speaker 1: I'm glad it didn't. You know, I think that you're special.
Speaker 1: I think that you're like an incredibly human being. You've
Speaker 1: made a plan at a mall for us to go through,
Speaker 1: and it's been I don't know. I was expecting us
Speaker 1: to just, you know, go to the mall, get some
Speaker 1: food and then buy Forever, but instead we've connected and
Speaker 1: then buy Forever Divars Bruce Bruce from the Kiosk. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah, key the Kiosk. Yeah, I got your
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, oh you left, you left. Most people
Speaker 1: don't leave. The keys are ready and under three minutes
Speaker 1: typically a great. Um, sorry, my mind wonders sometimes because
Speaker 1: I lost my dad how long ago this year? That's
Speaker 1: you know, we're all gonna go sometime. Yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't let it got you well, um
Speaker 1: basically key, great, it's uh two dollars two dollars, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, of course, there you go. There's five. Okay, so, um,
Speaker 1: I don't mean to be excited about this. I'm actually
Speaker 1: really sad. Uncle Decklan's heart attack has actually impeded his
Speaker 1: a lot of his physical function. Um, you know, because
Speaker 1: he wouldn't just wait for people to come back to
Speaker 1: his chaosk He'd run after them and find them. And
Speaker 1: his heart was already like half broken because of his
Speaker 1: father's passing. And basically, um, there's a position at the
Speaker 1: chaos that's open this mannequin. Yeah, I'm having a meeting
Speaker 1: with my father boss later. I'm just kidding. I'm a
Speaker 1: I'm a secret shopper, so I look I would, I
Speaker 1: look like like a civilian, but I'm actually working. Oh
Speaker 1: I I work here. I don't know if you should
Speaker 1: tell me that. And I work in them mall, I
Speaker 1: don't work at this North were then we're fine. Secrets.
Speaker 1: I'm the mannequin. I just usually I found and that
Speaker 1: stuff verse. See Brenda, we found you, Brenda, we found Brenda.
Speaker 1: We found maybe each scencident with a little song. But
Speaker 1: that's that's just warm vibe right now, thank God, Brendan.
Speaker 1: Poor poor Glorgy Porgy just not getting it all right.
Speaker 1: Our second suggestion are you kidding me? Another alchemaniac. That's right,
Speaker 1: this is from dog or Dougie. Hey, alchemists, I've got
Speaker 1: a closet filled with various bread lobes. Let me know
Speaker 1: if anyone's looking seen suggestion. A winner from the hit
Speaker 1: TV show Yo Mama, hosted by Wilmer Valderrama just can't
Speaker 1: let go of that life. See you around the crab
Speaker 1: King of Kansas. So you just fill out form either
Speaker 1: form two for one A or two for one B,
Speaker 1: depending on your specific needs. We have a notary on site.
Speaker 1: We can take care of that, and then you will
Speaker 1: be pre nupt. You will be pre nup, dud. Is
Speaker 1: there someone else we can sign with? Yeah? Can I help?
Speaker 1: Am I not serving your needs? No? I just I
Speaker 1: know you were on the Yo Mam Michelle, weren't you?
Speaker 1: I saw you all the episodes got dropped on Hulu.
Speaker 1: I just you know I didn't see I didn't see
Speaker 1: a single dime from that drop. Isn't that a thing
Speaker 1: as a contestant? Yeah, I mean they're using you thought
Speaker 1: you signed a contract to Yeah that I mean you
Speaker 1: send your life. Tell me about contracts? Looking at me? Now?
Speaker 1: I'm in family law, So this prenup is pretty standard.
Speaker 1: This is this is your Is it standard? Is it
Speaker 1: standard to have a prenup? Or is it offensive? Oh?
Speaker 1: My god? Is it standard? Or is it offensive? You
Speaker 1: have all the money. I'm doing this out to show
Speaker 1: you that I love you. Okay, I'm doing this to
Speaker 1: show that I love I didn't ask you to do that.
Speaker 1: Oh your mom was so poor? Should be like prenup?
Speaker 1: What so the standard? You have? These two forms here notary,
Speaker 1: take care of it, and then you too are on
Speaker 1: your way. I just want you to trust me, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not here for your money. I do
Speaker 1: trust you. That's why I don't need a prenup. I
Speaker 1: oh my god, but what if you find someone better
Speaker 1: and you want a divorce, and what's gonna happen. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna get anything. And that's because I love you.
Speaker 1: But you're not gonna get anything with this prenup. I
Speaker 1: know that's because I love you. That's you too. I
Speaker 1: don't know why we're fighting. Oh well yeah, yo, it's
Speaker 1: like it's like it's like it's like your mama trust
Speaker 1: you so much, she don't need no signatures. So and
Speaker 1: you won that show? Yeah, well, my episode. In my episode,
Speaker 1: give me anyway, there's a notary right over there were
Speaker 1: you gonna ask this first suggestion? But you know this
Speaker 1: is okay. I gotta work. I gotta for you. Okay,
Speaker 1: here's all right for you, fiancee. You doesn't really give
Speaker 1: a fuck? How is this? I don't know how you're spinning?
Speaker 1: Need to be the villain once again, Dylan, this is
Speaker 1: kind of what you do. And you know what, my
Speaker 1: therapist warned me about getting into another thing exactly like
Speaker 1: the last of course, your therapist, which I totally support.
Speaker 1: I want to do a couple of therapy, but you
Speaker 1: said not yet and until we're married. You know, I
Speaker 1: am fine doing couples therapy for Mary, but we need
Speaker 1: to find a separate therapist. We need to find someone
Speaker 1: who's our couple. You're just trying to come into my
Speaker 1: therapy sessions. Those are for me. It's like it's like
Speaker 1: it's like your mom was so supportive. She's gonna do
Speaker 1: anything it takes to make this relationship work. You stopped.
Speaker 1: What do these learn your mama's I'm not her mother?
Speaker 1: Are you not? Though? What? Wow? What the hell can
Speaker 1: we get on someone else to sign this? Police can
Speaker 1: we can just get sorry, do you need some help? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Ted ted back off, dude, what what do you You
Speaker 1: might recognize me as a three time Jeopardy champion? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, this is Fittsburger. I won thy but Thursday,
Speaker 1: Wednesday's final Jeopardy Mount Rushmore like okay, like, who didn't
Speaker 1: know that? Well, that's right. The categories about Rushboard. The
Speaker 1: answer was we are the fourheads on Mount Rushmore. That's
Speaker 1: a weird question. Were question answer, We're a question three
Speaker 1: days in a row. Though. That's bad, not bad, not
Speaker 1: not good enough to get into the Tournament of Champions,
Speaker 1: but a decent showing. No no, but I mean, so,
Speaker 1: how much money did you make? If you don't mind me,
Speaker 1: it was about here we go, it was about forty
Speaker 1: grand and then half of that goes uh in taxes
Speaker 1: and uh and then I flew myself to to Los
Speaker 1: Angeles from from Braid intent and yourself. I put myself
Speaker 1: up yeah yeah, so uh yeah, alr you t How
Speaker 1: you doing good? Good good good? Okay, Okay, this is Sam.
Speaker 1: I'm over here a Jeopardy and one of the producers
Speaker 1: want touch basically right before we get everything coming, how
Speaker 1: are you feeling good good. I mean, uh, got a
Speaker 1: good got a good meal in first class. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's that's I've never flown first class before,
Speaker 1: but you know, I figured while I'm out here to
Speaker 1: do the show, might as well treat myself now at
Speaker 1: the hotel that we had booked for you. I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry they had to cancel. Yeah, so we're not gonna
Speaker 1: renaissance the Renaissance in in downtown Burbank is uh say
Speaker 1: like that? Are you the are you the announcer as well? Oh,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to tip my hand, but
Speaker 1: Jeopardy I hear it though. I hear it though, So
Speaker 1: you're also a p a on the show. I am
Speaker 1: so um it's it's a tight chip here, Mr Trebeca.
Speaker 1: You know he runs a tight chip. So we all
Speaker 1: got can't wait to meet Alex. Oh it's he's he's
Speaker 1: such a good guy. He's he's a good guy. So
Speaker 1: ted anyway, I'm sorry about that. And this is gonna
Speaker 1: stupid driver who's supposed to the scoop you to bring
Speaker 1: you a set um. He he has stabbed himself in
Speaker 1: the chest. Yeah, so he's not gonna be able to
Speaker 1: He's a little leaky Fawton. Amen. Hey, hey Wilmer, It's
Speaker 1: it's me. Remember me. I was on that show with
Speaker 1: you your mom. Oh my god, oh my god, what
Speaker 1: are you doing in my house? You some the accent
Speaker 1: is just like a thing that's doing in my house.
Speaker 1: It's just ev Yeah, jeez, you're in your bathroom. It's
Speaker 1: it's six pm. Are you well? I was thinking, so
Speaker 1: you're lucky Ham in the bathroom. What do you want
Speaker 1: to be? Who's that? Give me a second? Yeah, Ashton
Speaker 1: Kutcher to Ashton Kulcher, Hey, I was one of the winners.
Speaker 1: I mom, talk um, I just feel weird and I
Speaker 1: wanted to come and talk to you about somebody's door.
Speaker 1: I don't mean that. I mean you're the only one
Speaker 1: who gets what I'm going through, right Like, I'm sure
Speaker 1: that your Mama show was still inside of you in
Speaker 1: some way. Right. No, the whole thing's a ruse. I
Speaker 1: was never even into it. I had a bunch of
Speaker 1: stuff I pitched, but that's what they picked. Do your
Speaker 1: mama so disappointed in you? What? Oh? Come in come back?
Speaker 1: And said, as she put some tea on, thank you
Speaker 1: calf for no calf happy. I got happy Timmy. I
Speaker 1: got a constant comment, a happy Timmy better than happy Tommy.
Speaker 1: Thank you here, let's getting bicycle X out. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I just I think I peeked. I think my episode
Speaker 1: I peaked, and everything since then it's been down the hill.
Speaker 1: I mean, I went to law school, I got a degree,
Speaker 1: I started my own firm. I'm doing well financially, but
Speaker 1: emotionally I am empty. And those your mama jokes, I mean, hey,
Speaker 1: yours were always terrible. It was an anomaly that you
Speaker 1: were able to win that. Yeah, it was an anomaly. Honestly,
Speaker 1: it was pretty rewarding to me because I thought the
Speaker 1: show was never gonna work when I pitched it, and
Speaker 1: for you to win kind of proved all the reasons
Speaker 1: I thought it would. I just can't believe you don't
Speaker 1: have that accent in real life. I don't you know what.
Speaker 1: I honestly, I would take the accent, Dylan. I can't
Speaker 1: believe that. I am so lucky to get to stand
Speaker 1: in front of all of our beautiful friends Hi, Krista Hey,
Speaker 1: Lonnie Hey, Francis Hey, Chris Hey, Rachel Hey, Crystal, Adam,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, and our gorgeous family Mom du I
Speaker 1: love you so much. Thank you so good. Oh Aunt Becky. Incredible,
Speaker 1: and I'm just so lucky to be here and to
Speaker 1: tell them and you how much I love you and
Speaker 1: how much. Okay, there you are. Oh my god, you're
Speaker 1: talking to this mannequin for you. Okay, you have to
Speaker 1: get over to the church. Should my friends and family
Speaker 1: go first? Yes? Of course? Where are you? Like? This
Speaker 1: is crazy? Let's go so that I can still have
Speaker 1: my Grandf've already see you. Dylan's over there, he's he's
Speaker 1: freaking out. I'm just practicing. It's just practice. It's not
Speaker 1: a big deal. It's not like creepy or weird. I
Speaker 1: think it was, but it's like a TikTok. Time to go. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: if listen, strike up the band, Dylan, Dylan, I'm sure
Speaker 1: she's coming. I'm sure she's going. I'm a I'm a priest,
Speaker 1: says you know, see this all the time. Why do
Speaker 1: you keep saying that? Why do you keep saying that?
Speaker 1: Are you really a priest? What a question? What a
Speaker 1: question to ask? Now? If you look in Ecclesiastics four
Speaker 1: to it tells us that patience is a virtue. Patience
Speaker 1: is a virtually being a priest, I know a lot
Speaker 1: about patience. Oh, Dylan, Dylan, I'm so sorry. I'm oh
Speaker 1: father mackay, he is here, McCain a reading from Genesis
Speaker 1: A long time ago in a galaxy. Mr Williams, it's
Speaker 1: so nice to see you, Crystal. I went to college
Speaker 1: with your daughter. This is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous venue. Everything
Speaker 1: it looks like it's your name. I'm her dad. Everybody's
Speaker 1: charged by the accent her dad. I was in a
Speaker 1: room with a mannequin and her dad. That ain't you?
Speaker 1: But ignore that person. I am sorry you probably. I
Speaker 1: just wanted to introduce myself to her dad. Go ahead.
Speaker 1: If that's tell you it's not you. I'd like to
Speaker 1: know your name. I'm holding my hand out to shake
Speaker 1: your hand. Just tell me you are Crystal. Yeah, Crystal,
Speaker 1: Crystal tobacc you nice. Nice to meet you. Nice to
Speaker 1: meet you too. Mr Williams. Just want to introduced myself.
Speaker 1: I'm Ted. I wrote the wrote the prenup. You also
Speaker 1: remember me from my three day stint? Yes, yes, actually
Speaker 1: a four days because I lost. On the fourth day.
Speaker 1: When I saw you, I said, who is that guy
Speaker 1: from Jeopardy? Yeah? I think it's not her dad. I'm
Speaker 1: her dad, my dad. You don't have a twenty do you?
Speaker 1: You have a twenty bucks like I did? Really I
Speaker 1: valeted and I should have. There was street parking, like
Speaker 1: I saw street parking, but I felt pressure to val
Speaker 1: a and then actually we don't have tedsphone. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: gonna get this Ted spoone tedsphone? All right, Ted? Are
Speaker 1: you doing this? Is that salmon tucks? Uh? I'm going
Speaker 1: because you need that tux back right now. You can
Speaker 1: just take it off and move it on the floor.
Speaker 1: It was a twenty four hour rental. I mean yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like twenty four hours to the minute to the
Speaker 1: minute to the minute. Now we're gonna need to take
Speaker 1: that touch off and just chop it on the No, No,
Speaker 1: I can't do that. I gotta I gotta attend to wedding.
Speaker 1: I wrote this. I wrote the predup there expecting me
Speaker 1: that I don't thee Samon texted, I'm money that I
Speaker 1: need the text on the floor, all right, Yo, mama,
Speaker 1: Yo mama. It's actually a traditional to say forgive me father,
Speaker 1: for I have sinned. That's how you start sorry that
Speaker 1: you're a female priestess so much, yo, Mama, it's just
Speaker 1: pretty scud to say priest highest of the priestess. Um, okay,
Speaker 1: forgive me, mother, for I have sinned. What I've where
Speaker 1: you want? I uh, I've done some terrible things, two
Speaker 1: terrible people, which makes me feel like I'm doing the
Speaker 1: right thing. M Yeah, So do are you? Do you
Speaker 1: want forgiveness or are you not really repentant? Do you
Speaker 1: feel like you're doing a good thing? Do you feel
Speaker 1: like your mama so ugly she doesn't love you. I
Speaker 1: don't think my mother's physical appearance has anything to do
Speaker 1: with how she's so yellow she spits butter. Oh, and
Speaker 1: that's the second thing. It's hard to do. It's hard
Speaker 1: to do, and it's uh, you just love dragging the
Speaker 1: first female Catholic. She's gonna get red and regardless, I
Speaker 1: want to just acknowledge wilmur Valderrama was hard for me
Speaker 1: to say. I got jumbled up there, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get dragged online personally, I know it is Will wilmur Valderrama,
Speaker 1: is your mama? Is that a real thing? Yes? That
Speaker 1: was a real really had no idea that that person
Speaker 1: or that show is a real thing. Okay, let's go
Speaker 1: on our third and final scene from Alcmania. Kevin, Hey, alchemists,
Speaker 1: exclamation point. Okay, Two things number one, Kevin, We the
Speaker 1: fans miss you dearly while you were away. If nobody
Speaker 1: else is gonna say it, then I will. Nobody is
Speaker 1: so fearless to jump into a scene, even if they
Speaker 1: don't belong more than you, Mr Pollock, and we love
Speaker 1: you for it. And see what should be too, or
Speaker 1: be or whatever. This argument about pumpkin pie, Chris, this
Speaker 1: argument about pumpkin pie is more or less a disagreement
Speaker 1: of what a pumpkin is. Bear with me because this
Speaker 1: is about to get lengthy. Webster's Dictionary defines pumpkin pie
Speaker 1: as scene suggestion aggressive in line. So here's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 1: Here's it. I'm thinking, alright, we stop, we stop roller blading,
Speaker 1: and we add a little punk rocketness to it and
Speaker 1: just walk. No no, no, no no, do all the
Speaker 1: things the skateboarders are doing on our roller blades. Oh,
Speaker 1: I thought you said stop stop just speed skating. Man. Look,
Speaker 1: if you don't want to be in, you don't have
Speaker 1: to be in. Okay, So you're saying stop speed skating
Speaker 1: and start listening to punk rock music. Yeah, listen, what
Speaker 1: do you want me? I'm saying it's and this is
Speaker 1: Venice Beach, California, and this is the crime place and
Speaker 1: time to start a new extreme sport movement. Okay, but
Speaker 1: you realize here in Venice Beach dogtown, if we go
Speaker 1: out into that skate park with inline skates, we're gonna
Speaker 1: get our asses skate. It's worth the risk, Harlow, It's
Speaker 1: worth the risk. Okay, what was the punk rock part
Speaker 1: that you know we're put on? Some gorgy can tell
Speaker 1: you for a second. Yeah, it looks like we have
Speaker 1: a couple of hooligans in there, some punkers, some satanists
Speaker 1: who are skateboarding and doing some kind of roller blading
Speaker 1: or I don't know what they're doing. Their goddamn knives
Speaker 1: and they're just tearing up. No longer, I've actually no
Speaker 1: longer in ballet service, so anything that happens in the
Speaker 1: parking lot is actually no longer my jurisdiction. You know,
Speaker 1: I put you back, I'm putting you back on. I'm
Speaker 1: putting back on ballet in the front of the house. Okay,
Speaker 1: but um, actually I do really much better at the
Speaker 1: Kiosk I don't know if you know, but if those
Speaker 1: punkers get inside the mall, we're not gonna have anything's
Speaker 1: to hold you understand, it's talk any more chaosks number
Speaker 1: what those Prestels and those good damn culled Satanists psycho
Speaker 1: fax coming in here and destroy what we have. It's
Speaker 1: a Christian family mall. And forgive me for cursing, but
Speaker 1: I appreciate you giving me so much, putting so much
Speaker 1: faith in me and in my strength. But I have
Speaker 1: to say, um as as as I am, I got
Speaker 1: taken advantage of a lot. I mean I was on
Speaker 1: ballet for one day. Three cars got stolen, a total
Speaker 1: of RS. And of course all the cars that I
Speaker 1: heard you explicitly say are dumb. One of them looks
Speaker 1: like just a rolled up there's a load, and then
Speaker 1: the other one looks like a box, like a long car.
Speaker 1: But it's not a limo. Good sessh. Hey, look at
Speaker 1: that guy over there, just sitting by himself. Why don't
Speaker 1: we recruit him? I mean, I don't have any extra slow.
Speaker 1: You need to get on board, dude. You see that
Speaker 1: you're not on board? Okay, okay, okay, I mean a
Speaker 1: sticky sitting with no S three style. I got my sisters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: come on, what are you? What are you doing here?
Speaker 1: This is my bench? Oh okay, hey, no disrespect, no suspect.
Speaker 1: This is nine nine two in Venice, California. Oh, you
Speaker 1: gotta tell us prime place in time to start a movement,
Speaker 1: don't you think, sir? Oh what kind of movement? What
Speaker 1: do you know about? What do you think about? These
Speaker 1: inline skates? Yeah, that's right, that's right. Well I'm a
Speaker 1: I'm a size twelve and a half. That's pretty big.
Speaker 1: Is that men's or women's? Good question, your mama? Oh perfectly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you are punk? So punk man, you're punk, Sir, you
Speaker 1: are punk, and we are obviously punked, and we're here
Speaker 1: to start a new movement called aggressive inline. Are you in? Okay?
Speaker 1: These are much smaller, but I'm just getting my feet
Speaker 1: in there. Okay, alright, we're all strapped up. Now. We
Speaker 1: just gotta come up with some names of tricks and start,
Speaker 1: you know, making people see what we do. Are low
Speaker 1: any thoughts about bleeding edge? Bleeding edge? Bro? So are you?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry about this, but we're gonna have to close
Speaker 1: your store front. You're just not making the payments on time. First,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry he uh. His last words to me were,
Speaker 1: I'm proud of you. That's your last customer. But no, no,
Speaker 1: my dad, how's he doing? My dad? How's it? How's
Speaker 1: he doing? Yeah? You we held the wake at your house.
Speaker 1: Oh my, I forgot. I forgot. What were you saying? Um? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have We have that whole basement area completely vacated.
Speaker 1: If you want to just take the kiosk. I like
Speaker 1: the kiosk, do you do you? I mean keys made
Speaker 1: while you're here? No, I no, But it's a quarter
Speaker 1: acre in the basement if you want that put your
Speaker 1: shop down there. I don't know. I mean it's uh,
Speaker 1: I pretty much just make keys and all I need is, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, room to hang the keys. One of these
Speaker 1: key making grinders, you know you name it after your dad.
Speaker 1: How's it going? Grinder? Died? Um? Hey, hey, piece be
Speaker 1: with you, piece be with you? Hot topic? Um, and
Speaker 1: also with me? Can um? I'd be fitted for I'm
Speaker 1: like on security detail now. I don't know. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: stop a big like intimidating situation and alone. Can I
Speaker 1: get Let's see what I got? Um? Do you like invader? Zim.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that is. Give you in some
Speaker 1: Invaders Zim. It's the funniest show. It's so crazy Invader
Speaker 1: Zim scary then, yes, you know, I want to come
Speaker 1: off as intimidating and as powerful and as someone that
Speaker 1: they should be scared off. I can really inflation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: all adjacent to Venice. Yes, so let's give you and
Speaker 1: the baddest boys from Venice are coming to this mall
Speaker 1: and they're trying to inline skate their way in here aggressively,
Speaker 1: and if they do, then our entire family is going
Speaker 1: to be in peril in our and our business is
Speaker 1: gonna be Take whatever you want, Take whatever you want
Speaker 1: if that's what's at stake, whatever you want. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Also, this is so what are you doing
Speaker 1: later if I survived this? Yeah? Do you want to
Speaker 1: like get a slushy or something? Yeah? Of course, good session, fellas,
Speaker 1: good session, good session. I think we are. You are vast,
Speaker 1: You're fast, You're fast. You know it comes to Dogtown
Speaker 1: because the Dogtown boys, I'm gonna taste them right now.
Speaker 1: You're gonna go to hell if you don't repent and
Speaker 1: stop doing your wicked game. We don't worship skateboards like
Speaker 1: you do. Okay, we worship these things, worship skape I
Speaker 1: swear to me that own it. Okay, you're gonna go
Speaker 1: to ahead. You're right, You're I got scared for a moment,
Speaker 1: but you're right. I should own that. I call you
Speaker 1: I Taker. From now on, call me I Taker. We're
Speaker 1: gonna call you because you're so fast. We're gonna call
Speaker 1: you Zippo. Like that zippo and Arlo. We still gotta
Speaker 1: come up with a name for you. You're not doing anything. Really,
Speaker 1: I think Arlow is a pretty good name. It rhymes
Speaker 1: was zippo. That's just your name, Yeah, but his neck.
Speaker 1: Your name is Arlo Eisenberg. That's not like a thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but maybe we can spell it different, like uh the
Speaker 1: A will be like uh in at an at sign
Speaker 1: And wait a minute, what kind of name is Eisenberg?
Speaker 1: All right, guys know what the news? All right? I
Speaker 1: was thinking, if we're gonna name anything, we started naming
Speaker 1: some of these tricks. Um, zippo, what do you call
Speaker 1: that spinny thing you do on one ft chocolate mustache?
Speaker 1: Chocolate mustache? I like that, Arlow, What would you call
Speaker 1: that thing you did when you close your eyes and
Speaker 1: spit everywhere. I call it the fountain of view, thound
Speaker 1: of views in the chocolate mustache. We're off to a
Speaker 1: good start. Oh no, look at this cute girl come
Speaker 1: with all those spikes in her face. God here, get
Speaker 1: out of here yet. Hey, we we own this place
Speaker 1: just as much as you do. Yeah. Well, if you step, baby,
Speaker 1: roll one little inch into our area, which is actually
Speaker 1: starts it actually starts right before the parking lot. Oh
Speaker 1: it hurts my throat. Oh it hurts my throat. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: our property starts at the grass that's just on the
Speaker 1: edge between the sidewalk and the street, right before our
Speaker 1: parking lot. Now, if you cross that line, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to do some serious business. You drop that, You
Speaker 1: dropped some raising that Sorry, thank you. Those are really expensive,
Speaker 1: so I gotta seat them even though I dropped him. Sorry. Um,
Speaker 1: how long have you worked at that mall? Yeah? How
Speaker 1: long have you worked here? My whole life born and raised?
Speaker 1: Praise be. I've never seen a three person gang. I
Speaker 1: think a fourth person would really make this better. Like
Speaker 1: aggressive inline gang. You're trying to recruit her Eisenberg. What
Speaker 1: you're trying to take over like you run the world. Eisenberg.
Speaker 1: Al alright, alright, look, here's what we're saying. Do you
Speaker 1: feel satisfied in the culture that you're a part of
Speaker 1: right now? Miss Do you ever have displaced anger? Well,
Speaker 1: it was really upset Geregy. What the hell you joined
Speaker 1: a white nationalist inline skating group. They're bad people. They
Speaker 1: were bad, Okay, Georgy, that's that's that. That doesn't matter. Okay.
Speaker 1: They're just trying to recruit the sick, the arts, and
Speaker 1: that's our show, always stopping extremists anyway we can. So
Speaker 1: this is this was about thank you to everybody who
Speaker 1: wrote in. Thank you to everybody who's here. I think
Speaker 1: everybody has a lesson in that to the show. We
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. James was asking everyone if they could
Speaker 1: do a little review for us, maybe a little five
Speaker 1: star if you don't mind, if we're worthy of it,
Speaker 1: please drop that in have reviews or Spotify reviews or
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know wherever else. We really really
Speaker 1: appreciate that. And before we go, let's just check it
Speaker 1: with everybody. How's everyone doing, Jackie? I feel good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I started good and I still feel good. So I'm
Speaker 1: gearing up to have a great day. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. You always a blast. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you, anything that anything coming up? I think you're doing.
Speaker 1: Oh well, I'm trying to think of the timeline in
Speaker 1: which this comes out, you know what I mean. But
Speaker 1: after but we will be doing We'll be doing them
Speaker 1: monthly show. It'll be monthly. I was gonna say once
Speaker 1: a month. Pretty pretty. Pony On at the West Side
Speaker 1: has it quite a quite a few alchemists in it,
Speaker 1: and I am new to the gang, so I will
Speaker 1: be doing that and that's that's very exciting. I mean,
Speaker 1: and that's every first Thursday at nine o'clock, nine o'clock. Great.
Speaker 1: Check it out a West Side Comedy Theater dot com.
Speaker 1: James Heeney, how are you being? I'm great? Check out
Speaker 1: game Front on YouTube. And my guess is, by the time,
Speaker 1: unless something terrible happens with the you know from soft Servers,
Speaker 1: elden Ring should be coming out. We'll have a lot
Speaker 1: of great elden Ring coverage on Canna wait cannot wait
Speaker 1: that it looks scary and fun, Jackie, Yeah, it's ten,
Speaker 1: it's ten o'clock. Are you kidding me? Ten o'clock. I
Speaker 1: guess we gotta do it, but if they get there
Speaker 1: at nine, they'll still make the show. I'm about to
Speaker 1: fail from all these shows. Ten o'clock. It's funny. Ten
Speaker 1: used to be the slots, and now I think, and
Speaker 1: I wonder whether it still is. We'll let you know,
Speaker 1: Chris tell us a little more. That's I think that's
Speaker 1: it used to be the slot. Listen, you were asking
Speaker 1: for reviews, and if I had to give a review
Speaker 1: about your hosting today, I'd say five stars. Brought the energy,
Speaker 1: brought the heart, you bring, the energy, you bring, the
Speaker 1: harsh so much fun um. I love playing with everybody here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: hopefully the world kind of opens up again and we
Speaker 1: can start seeing us. If you're in the l A
Speaker 1: area in Santa Monica the West Side Comedy Theater, I
Speaker 1: know we're gonna be doing tons of different shows there,
Speaker 1: so that's that. Or if you're in Florida, nothing has
Speaker 1: changed since and now, and Craig kiss Key, you know,
Speaker 1: I hate to be left out of of a pop
Speaker 1: culture discussion, So I think I'm gonna check out Your Mama.
Speaker 1: According to IMDb, there are seventy episodes, but the entire
Speaker 1: first season is available on Prime for for the season
Speaker 1: or dollar ninety nine per episode, and I think there's
Speaker 1: twenty one episodes in the first season, so I think
Speaker 1: value wise, I think i'll go for you know, fifteen
Speaker 1: bucks for the season. I've heard a great place to
Speaker 1: start his episode nine, which is receipted versus Downy, so
Speaker 1: so I'll report back. I think they're on YouTube as well.
Speaker 1: But I think what I want Wilmer to get paid
Speaker 1: inspect respect, respect, respect, because he's getting paid for that,
Speaker 1: and then Christ gets paid for Downy. Oh that's right,
Speaker 1: that's right. That's leg speaking and speaking of secret ops,
Speaker 1: we got our man behind the scenes, Mr Doug Baby
Speaker 1: and of course our puppy, Kevin Pollock. We miss you, Bay.
Speaker 1: Thank you to everybody was here and until next time.
Speaker 1: Oh no,