WEBVTT - #12 Jesse 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:05.320 Hi, how are you. 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.320 I'm updating all my contacts and my iPhone. Yes, okay, 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:12.879 and I just have you down as Jackie. Yeah, and 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.360 it makes me realize I don't actually know your full 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:18.120 name is? What is Jackie short for? 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:20.840 It's short for Jackie. 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.520 No, but I mean, like what Jackie, Jacqueline. 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:28.480 Jacqueline No, John, it's short for Jackie. And you know 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:30.120 that because you've known me since I'm five? 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:32.760 Why do I have in my mind that the full 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:38.080 name is jack Arandack jack Arondack Cohen. And what's your 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:38.680 middle name? 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:39.640 I don't have one. 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.080 Mother mustn't have loved you very much, you know what. 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:45.360 Let's give you a middle name right now? 0:00:45.400 --> 0:00:45.879 How about that? 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:54.880 Why Jackie Stewart, Jackie Lynn, Jackie jack Jackie Jack Cohen. 0:00:54.880 --> 0:01:01.800 And I don't care Jackety Jack's bratt sat on a 0:01:01.840 --> 0:01:12.000 candlestick from Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:30.000 Heavyweight Today's episode, Jesse. Most lives are like parallel lines, 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:34.440 one life existing alongside another, divided only by an apartment 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:40.039 hallway or a cubicle wall, close but never touching. So 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:45.680 I will just ask you to start from the very beginning, Okay, 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:51.320 lines that are parallel don't have endings or beginnings. Lives do, though, 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:54.840 and so do stories. And this story begins in the 0:01:54.840 --> 0:01:58.960 summer of twenty thirteen in a town just outside Portland, Oregon. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:02.960 Jesse had just graduated college and was spending the summer 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:07.040 working in a lab. His life was music festivals, dancing, 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:09.880 getting stoned, and eating as much mac and cheese as 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.560 he could. In other words, he was a typical American 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:16.000 twenty one year old whose life was on course. 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:20.520 And then one day, it's a half day at work, 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:24.000 left the house, got a cup of coffee, was riding 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:27.600 my bike, stopped in this little park to sip on 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:31.280 the coffee before I headed in, And that's the last 0:02:31.320 --> 0:02:33.880 thing that I really remember about that day. 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:38.000 Later people will tell Jesse that he plugged an earbud 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.320 into his ear, turned on some LCD sound system, got 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:44.280 back on his bicycle, rode to the same four way 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:46.040 intersection that he always. 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:50.680 Did, and rolled out into the intersection and was te 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:52.520 boned by a guy going forty five. 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:59.120 Lines that are perpendicular meet at a right angle, touching 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:07.640 but only once and then never meeting again. As he 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:10.160 lay split out in the middle of the street, Jesse's 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:12.280 heart stopped for a while. 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:17.720 He was legally dead, and then I came to with 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:22.200 a tracheotomy down my throat, trying to throw up, and 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:27.680 suddenly I was in a hospital room. 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:31.480 Suddenly was actually seventeen days later, seventeen days in a 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:34.399 coma that he woke from, unable to breathe on his own, 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:38.120 with half his body paralyzed. Everyone was saying it looked 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:39.600 like he'd never walk again. 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:43.160 And I don't think people realized I was with it 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:48.040 enough to hear them say those things. Having a surgeon 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:51.000 say to your mom, like you might as well get 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:54.160 rid of his car insurance because he's not gonna ever 0:03:54.240 --> 0:04:00.680 drive again. It just seemed like I wasn't gonna look anymore. 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:04.680 I wasn't going to be with anything pretty anymore. My 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:09.200 life I had dreamed about is no longer. Having to 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:12.360 use a bedpan as a twenty one year old, and 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:16.039 the embarrassment that comes with not being able to control 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:20.200 your bladder and having a nurse have to clean you up. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:25.479 It just feels like, Okay, I'm in pain, I'm causing pain. 0:04:26.560 --> 0:04:29.239 My parents aren't going to have a normal life now. 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:33.560 A lot of what I was saying was about trying 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:37.720 to get someone to end my life. I was like, 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:40.000 if it's not going to be a good life, like 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.400 I don't want life. 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.679 Every day was like this, the same dark thoughts day 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:51.120 after day after day. And then one day Jesse felt 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.960 his eyes move independently of each other. His head and 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:57.920 arms began to flail. He thought, this is it. I'm 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:00.280 actually going to die, like. 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:03.560 Oh, I'm getting what I wanted. And the first emotion 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:13.839 that came up was just anger, like this sucks. 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:18.359 As Jesse began the process of dying, he lost the 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:20.960 ability to hold onto that anger. It was like he 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:24.040 no longer had the strength, and so it let go. 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:28.400 His dying brain started letting everything go, what was happening 0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:31.320 around him, all his fears for the future, and with 0:05:31.360 --> 0:05:35.799 all that gone, past memories flooded in happy memories, playing 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:39.440 guitar for his younger cousins Emial of Savice in Lima, 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.920 camping with his girlfriend in the rain, and drinking champagne 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:44.800 as their tent slowly filled with water. 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.880 I think it was rather spontaneous, though I don't remember 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.680 putting like one and one together. I think it was 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:57.960 like this this rush that happened in a matter of moments, 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:03.000 all of the people that had ever wished well for me, 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:07.039 or all of the hospital visitors I had made me 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:13.280 realize that I had a really fortunate life. 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.560 Jesse ended up surviving, and with his new life came 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:23.520 in appreciation for all the things he'd never noticed before. 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.640 The blue of the sky through the hospital window looked 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.359 bluer somehow, the touch of a friend's hand at his 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:32.400 bedside stirred his heart in a deeper way. When he 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:35.240 was helped outside, the world below his feet felt like 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:39.040 a strange and beautiful planet. Even the most familiar things 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:39.960 were new again. 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:42.719 If I had an apple that day, it was like 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:46.000 the first time eating an apple. Every day got better 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:50.839 and better, and it was easier and easier to see 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:55.240 a life forward. And so every day now is kind 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.599 of like a second chance. 0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:03.719 Think that this kind of instantaneous spiritual transformation would have 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.880 an expiration date, that before long he'd be back to 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.440 watching Bachelor in Paradise in bed with a bucket of 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:12.559 Colonel Sanders on his lap and various dipping sauces neatly 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:16.640 laid out across a pillow, just like everybody else. But 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:20.760 for Jesse, these new feelings didn't fade. Over the next 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.320 five months, as his doctors put him back together and 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:25.960 taught him how to walk again, Jesse'd come to see 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:28.600 that life before the accident, the life he tried so 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.840 hard to hold onto, wasn't a life lived very deeply, 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:35.040 that it was actually kind of superficial. It was a 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:38.560 life distracting him from what was good about living, and 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:40.480 so to mark the end of one life in the 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.800 beginning of another, he changed his name, going from Jesse, 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:48.400 a favorite moniker for TV uncles, to Gavanna, Sanskrit for 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:59.560 giver of light. Four years later, Givanna's life looks quite 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:03.520 different from Jesse's. Jesse was always rushing thinking about the future, 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:08.160 but Gavanna, helped by a cane, move slowly. While Jesse 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:11.720 enjoyed dancing in loud music, Givanna, deaf in one ear 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.239 leans him close when spoken to. In spite of living 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:18.000 with constant pain, he likes this new life better than 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:22.200 the old one. In fact, he's grateful for it, which 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.080 is why Gavanna often finds himself thinking about the man 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.720 who gave him this new life. That is the driver 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:32.160 of the car that hit him. 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:35.040 I've always wanted to meet him. I've always wanted to 0:08:35.080 --> 0:08:39.400 sit down across from him and tell him, like, I've 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:48.200 become increasingly grateful for being hit by that car, and 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:52.560 I want to I want to thank him for like 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:55.880 showing me how beautiful life can be, but I also 0:08:55.920 --> 0:09:00.240 want to say sorry, really yeah, yeah. 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:07.840 Up until this moment, I was with him the idea 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.199 of being curious and wanting to meet the driver that 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:14.240 I kind of got, but wanting to thank him apologize 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:18.040 to the guy who ran you over. Giovanna was acting 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:21.360 like Jesus, and for people who give out the Jesus vibe, 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:25.600 like say, Jesus, it doesn't usually end so well. An 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:28.640 eye for an eye is what my wrathful Hebrew Lord instructs. 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:31.560 Even if you don't want to, you have an obligation 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:35.120 take an eyeball for later. You never know it might 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:38.560 come in handy, and to show extra piety, maybe grab 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:41.840 a fistful of eyelash. But at the very least, saith 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:44.839 the Lord. If a guy almost kills you, make him 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:52.320 beg for your forgiveness. You sincerely don't feel like you're 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:53.520 looking for an apology. 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:57.200 I don't blame him for what happened that day. We've 0:09:57.200 --> 0:10:00.920 all been late to work, We've all on yellow lights, 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:05.400 like every day that I'd drive on a busy street 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:10.920 with intersections going over thirty. I kind of can imagine 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:13.360 what it would be like for a bicyclist to suddenly 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:13.760 be there. 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:17.840 Givanna says that the driver was never found guilty of 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.960 any crime. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't on his phone. 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:24.040 In the end, no fault was ever determined. 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:27.400 I don't need an apology from him. I think the 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:31.360 only person that can really tell him it's okay, the 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:33.840 only person that maybe he would believe that it's okay 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:34.160 as me. 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:38.600 And you're not afraid that it feels like a little 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:40.160 too grand, you know what I mean. 0:10:42.320 --> 0:10:46.320 I can see that, like, oh, you're trying to love 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:50.600 everybody because you want people to look at you and 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:55.640 like praise you. But the whole point of loving everyone 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:59.480 is almost a selfish thing, because loving people feels good, 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.840 giving the people feels good. I don't know why we 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:07.120 would almost shame people for wanting to be that generous. 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.720 I think by we, Givanna is politely saying me that 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:15.280 I'm shaming him for acting how people should act. But 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:17.880 I'm more hung up on how people do act, or 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:20.680 at least how I act, which is kind of grabby. 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:23.480 So I want to know if there's anything the driver 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:25.040 can provide for him. 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:29.440 I think the only thing I want from him is 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:35.560 maybe for him to explain that day to me. I've 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:39.360 always been curious about what happened that day. 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:42.880 Givanna doesn't remember anything about that day and knows almost 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:45.959 nothing about the driver, so his mind fixates on the 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:50.119 few bits of information he has. First the police photograph 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:53.800 of the accident. In it, the driver gazes into the camera, 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:58.520 stunned and helpless as Javannah lies bleeding on the street. Second, 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:01.680 the phone call when a policeman called him up with 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:05.079 the news that Javanna would survive, the driver broke down weeping. 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:15.400 And the third thing, the driver's name, Christian. I begin 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:18.200 my search for Christians in the Portland area, and it 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:20.920 turns out to be harder than I'd imagined. So I 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:25.560 start combing through databases, the special kind that require log 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:30.960 in names and service fees. Why do you need money, 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:34.680 Alex Bloomberg asks, while picking his teeth clean of chia seeds. 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:38.959 I want to find a man named Christian, I say, why, 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:42.240 he asks, laughing, as he good naturedly jabs and elbow 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:45.200 into Lisa Chow's ribs. So you can also find a 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.240 man named Jewish and a man named Muslim and record 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:53.880 them walking into a bar for your podcast. No, I say, 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:57.679 gnashing my teeth so I can repair the past and 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.760 win a damn Peabody award and start getting some respect 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:04.400 around here. Of course, I only say that last part 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.840 to myself. The last thing I need is to be 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:10.200 exiled back to Canada, to wander sub zero streets while 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:13.720 drinking frozen milk from a bag, dancing for Canadian nickels, 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:18.880 and begging strangers for podcasting opportunities. Alex takes a sip 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:21.560 of his kombucha and, as he rushes off to a 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.840 business meeting, says he'll venmo me the money, and I 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:31.800 pretend to know what that means. I order the police 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.520 report of the accident, and while I wait for its arrival, 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.359 I continue my online search for Christian. I try pseudonyms, 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:44.000 name variations, anything I can think of. Still no dice. Desperate, 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:47.480 I turn to something called a phone book, which it 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:51.040 turns out is kind of like Facebook, but without photos 0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:54.559 of your high school gym teacher's new SKA band. From there, 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:59.160 I get even more old school, actually telephoning the telephone 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:08.000 numbers from the telephone book. Oh, hi, is Christian there. 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.559 I know I can't help you. No, we lived here 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:12.080 like that. 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:17.000 And ventilating department. I'm not able to come to the 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.400 phone right now, Mom and somebody else. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:25.200 Okay, But after several weeks have failed attempt, Hello, Hi 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:26.240 is Christian there? 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:29.440 Well, I'm sad. 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:34.280 I finally get through to Christian's childhood home. But when 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:36.720 I explain that I'm calling about the car crash and 0:14:36.720 --> 0:14:40.280 about Gavannah wanting to meet Christian, his stepmom gets on 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:40.840 the phone. 0:14:41.000 --> 0:14:43.040 We have a lot of concern for Chris on this. 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:47.600 I hear you. I hear you. He has suffered from 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:50.880 PTSD because of that accident. We don't want to make 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:55.000 that any worse. I just say to stave go diving 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:55.800 back into that. 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:01.680 Even after all these years, Christian's parents are still worried 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.320 about him. They won't give me his phone number, but 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:07.040 they do agree to pass along my message. So over 0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:09.760 the next few months, I check in with them periodically 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:14.560 to see if there's any news to report. Hello, well, 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:18.080 I there, This is Jonathan Goldstein calling back. We spoke 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:21.520 last week weeks ago. I was last week, any movement, 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:25.560 any new news, write him a note and ask him. 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:28.240 Let me grab a pen here, let me grab well here, 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:29.880 Let me have you a talk to my husban. I'm 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:31.520 going to put my wife on the phone because of 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:33.640 actually again, I'll pass it. I'll let him know you 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:36.880 call it, and I will pass on that you called again. 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.760 Eventually I begin feeling like a trusted friend of the family. 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:47.160 Right it's mister, is the silver Stein? 0:15:48.560 --> 0:15:59.320 Goldstein? For months I wait to hear from Christian. In 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:04.640 the interim, I discover something called fidget spinners wind Haven, Tornado, fidget, 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:09.160 Golden snitch, Harry Potter, fidget, you name it. To mitigate 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:17.920 my anxiety. I passed the days spinning them. How do 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:21.040 these fidget spin so easily? I wonder? And why is 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:24.600 this sensation between my thumb and index finger more satisfying 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:29.040 than all of my personal relationships and career accomplishments Stacked 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:37.400 end to end, you might call a circle a line 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:42.440 that's lost its way forward, neurotically retracing its footsteps, making 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:49.080 loop after loop after loop after loop after loop after 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:58.800 and then one day after an evening of dervish like spinning. 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:01.520 I emerge from an underground fidget den in the back 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:05.040 room of a Chinatown foot massage parlor, fingers blistered and 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:08.280 eyes squinting at my phone in the cruel noontime sun. 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:13.159 It's then that I see I've received an email Hello. 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.600 The subject heading reads, will you be available Friday to 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:23.840 talk on the phone? Thanks Christian. After the break Christian. 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:29.400 On Friday, Christian tells me about life since the accident, 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:33.359 the depression, the panic attacks. He tells me about waking 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:35.359 up in the middle of the night, scared to death 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.920 but not sure why. He tells me how he'd begun drinking, 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:43.080 about feeling empty, how sometimes when he's driving he feels 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.480 so anxious and lost that he finds it hard to 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.639 breathe and has to pull off to the side of 0:17:47.640 --> 0:17:52.440 the road. But what surprises me most is when Christian says, 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:56.240 almost word for word, the same thing that Javanna said, 0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:59.000 not just that he's changed as a result of the crash, 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.600 but that his whole life is different. After the crash, 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:05.280 he dropped out of school. He had his own business, 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:09.240 but gave that up too. Like Giovanna, Christian feels like 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:13.200 a completely different person, and like Javanna, Christian was also 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:16.280 advised by the people closest to him not to revisit 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.120 that day, not to meet with the man from the accident, 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:24.000 that such things simply aren't done. And yet in spite 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:27.640 of all that, Christians decided it's something he wants to do. 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:35.880 Lines that meet intersect, and then grow further apart are 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:40.320 called perpendicular lines that reintersect. There is no name for 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.760 such a thing. Up until this point, I had been 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:47.200 mostly caught up in Giavanna's story, but in talking with Christian, 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:51.359 I start to worry about his trajectory too. I needed 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:53.359 to talk with someone who knew more about this stuff 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:56.399 than I did. I needed to talk to a real therapist, 0:18:57.400 --> 0:19:00.760 and so I reached out to a grief and couples counselor. 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:03.600 My mother was a therapist, and when she passed away, 0:19:03.640 --> 0:19:06.880 I started working with grieving children as a volunteer. 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.639 Matt has a calm way of speaking, like a cross 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:12.560 between hal from two thousand and one and someone who 0:19:12.640 --> 0:19:15.440 enjoys thoughtfully chewing on the arm of his eyeglasses. 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:18.000 And a friend suggested that I get another degree in 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:22.119 go back and start professionalizing my interest in that topic. 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.440 I liked Matt right away. From the moment we shook hands. 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:27.840 I felt like you could see right through to the 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.679 deepest recesses of my mind. I felt naked before this 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:35.960 man's keen psychological gaze, the breeze goose pimpling the nude 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:39.960 flesh of my psyche. I quickly caught Matt up on 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:43.119 the Christian and Javanna situation about the meeting we were 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:45.080 planning and asked what he thought. 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:52.879 Yeah, I guess it sounds dicey, like this could go 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:57.200 really wrong. You know, this was a really traumatizing thing 0:19:57.280 --> 0:20:00.800 for these people, and they they come at it with 0:20:00.880 --> 0:20:05.600 feelings that have not been worked through, and that could 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:06.240 be a disaster. 0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:09.439 Matt says, you never really know what you're going to 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:13.040 feel until you actually step foot in the room. Christian 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.119 could become re traumatized, Javanna could get angrier than he anticipated. 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:21.639 You just don't know. I mean, it means facing something difficult, 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:26.080 and people would much rather ignore something difficult, even you know, 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.000 even in families, even in loving relationships and couples. You 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:29.880 see that all the time. 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:33.040 But as we talk about how eager Javanna and Christian 0:20:33.080 --> 0:20:36.000 are to meet each other. Matt admits that it's possible 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.160 this plan might not be disastrous, that it might actually 0:20:39.200 --> 0:20:42.720 be good, that there was something even potentially beautiful about it. 0:20:43.359 --> 0:20:47.000 If you're given the opportunity to face the source of 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:52.439 this event that had so much meaning, it's a tremendous 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:54.280 opportunity for reconciliation. 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:58.960 Matt offers to speak to Christian and Javanna on the 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:02.520 phone separately, just to assess how emotionally prepared they are 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:05.919 to face each other. He also says it'd be advisable 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:08.280 to have an actual therapist on hand when they meet, 0:21:09.000 --> 0:21:13.720 and lucky for me, I had just the one. So 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:23.199 you want to go to Portland, I'd love to. You 0:21:23.240 --> 0:21:26.840 want to travel with your therapist to Oregon, Alex says 0:21:26.960 --> 0:21:30.000 when I ask him to pay for Matt's airfare. He's 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:34.800 not my therapist, I say, blushing, He's a friend. It's 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:38.320 for a story, a business story. Matt and I can 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:41.560 even share a hotel room. Might actually be better stay 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:45.679 up late gossiping about the story. The business story, I 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:49.560 mean Alex's bull of chia seeds arrives and he cuts 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:57.639 me off, agreeing to vimeo me the money, so I 0:21:57.640 --> 0:21:59.040 don't know, what do you think of this set up? 0:21:59.119 --> 0:22:00.800 I mean, so I should. 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:03.960 Say that I'm in Portland, Matt and I prepare the 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.040 hotel room for Javanna and Christian's arrival. I mean, and 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:09.199 then this puts some money equal footing that you know 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:10.760 that they're both down chairs and they don't have to 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:12.720 sit side by side of it, so that an already 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:16.000 dicey situation isn't made diceier by us all having to 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:19.720 sit crisscross apple sauce on my unmade hotel bed. I've 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:23.120 rented a suite with chairs and a COUCHU. 0:22:23.480 --> 0:22:25.959 Yeah, that's we're both over there kind of. 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:30.400 I expend my nervous energy by arranging and rearranging the furniture. 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:34.920 Working in such close proximity, I can't help catching wisps 0:22:34.920 --> 0:22:39.920 of Matt's aftershave, a masculine, leathery scent that recalls grandfather's 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:43.680 barbering strop. So I would, just, if you're comfortable with it, 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:44.400 I would ask. 0:22:44.240 --> 0:22:45.000 You to sit. 0:22:49.760 --> 0:22:54.760 On the couch with me. Yeah, okay, would that be okay? 0:22:55.280 --> 0:22:58.000 Yeah? 0:22:58.640 --> 0:23:03.960 Our exchange is preempty by a tentative knock at the door. Hello, Hello, 0:23:04.200 --> 0:23:07.240 Gavanna arrives first come on in thank You. 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:08.640 This is man time. 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:12.520 Gravanna's tall and thin, with long red hair and a beard. 0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:17.160 The clothing he's wearing his robelike Jesus, like his movement 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:21.239 slow and careful. So Christian is on his way. I 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:23.520 believe he might be a little bit late because of 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:28.280 the parade as it happens today is Portland's Rose Bowl Parade. 0:23:28.600 --> 0:23:31.120 I keep waiting for the sound of Alice Cooper's Schools 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.199 Out for Summer, performed on tubas and snare drums to 0:23:34.280 --> 0:23:37.840 fade into the distance, but it never does. It's like 0:23:37.880 --> 0:23:40.480 the parade route this year is stuck in a spiral 0:23:40.560 --> 0:23:45.240 of endless laps around our hotel. Outside the window, life 0:23:45.359 --> 0:23:52.600 in all its obnoxious splendor, was going on at this point. 0:23:52.760 --> 0:23:58.440 Christian still hasn't arrived. Eleven oh five, eleven, ten, eleven, fifteen, 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:01.960 eleven twenty. It begins to set in that Christian might 0:24:01.960 --> 0:24:03.879 have had a change of heart and may never show, 0:24:04.240 --> 0:24:06.240 and I'd have to return to Gimlet with my tail 0:24:06.320 --> 0:24:09.800 between my legs, scamper over to Alex's treadmill desk and 0:24:09.880 --> 0:24:12.200 admit he was right and I was wrong, and how 0:24:12.200 --> 0:24:15.680 He's always right? He and Lisa chow because they understand 0:24:15.760 --> 0:24:19.680 the quote financial risk of flying a therapist across the country, 0:24:19.800 --> 0:24:23.440 renting this whole dumb hotel suite, arranging furniture according to 0:24:23.480 --> 0:24:25.840 the laws of FENSHUEI which I don't even know at 0:24:25.880 --> 0:24:33.800 that are Christian, Hi clue, Christian. 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:35.800 Christian? 0:24:35.880 --> 0:24:36.760 This is Jivanna. 0:24:39.640 --> 0:24:43.040 Christian enters the room. He's solid looking and crew cut 0:24:43.040 --> 0:24:45.919 it wearing jeans and running shoes. He looks like the 0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:49.280 amiable guy in a sports bar whose voice rises easily 0:24:49.280 --> 0:24:53.440 above the din when ordering a beer. Standing side by side, 0:24:53.600 --> 0:24:57.240 these two young men could not seem less alike. Once 0:24:57.240 --> 0:24:59.800 they've taken each other in, they sit down in armchairs, 0:24:59.800 --> 0:25:03.040 op at one another, Christian with his hands on his knees, 0:25:03.359 --> 0:25:07.320 Givanna sunk into his chair. For a while, they quietly 0:25:07.400 --> 0:25:12.280 watch each other. Givanna pulls out a small bottle of 0:25:12.320 --> 0:25:15.480 sandalwood oil that he keeps around his neck. He explains 0:25:15.480 --> 0:25:18.199 that it's the oil burned in ashrams to maintain a 0:25:18.240 --> 0:25:21.000 deep level of meditation and body awareness. 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:23.720 So I don't know if anyone else wants to smell this, 0:25:23.920 --> 0:25:25.760 but I treat it very preciously. 0:25:27.040 --> 0:25:30.440 Givanna passes it around and we each smell it. When 0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:34.400 we're done, the room returns to silence. Matt looks from 0:25:34.440 --> 0:25:37.480 Christian to Javanna. He wonders aloud what it might have 0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:41.080 been like had they met under different circumstances. 0:25:41.240 --> 0:25:45.840