Speaker 1: There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which
Speaker 1: is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more
Speaker 1: present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss
Speaker 1: all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to
Speaker 1: actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's
Speaker 1: where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for
Speaker 1: a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness
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Speaker 1: check out my seven minute daily series to help you
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Speaker 1: Calm your Mind, Change your life. I think it's so
Speaker 1: easy when you're going for a breakup to be like
Speaker 1: I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not. There
Speaker 1: are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm
Speaker 1: going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth.
Speaker 1: I'm working with the therapist, I'm working with the coach.
Speaker 1: I'm working on my self worth.
Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Sheety Jay Shetty,
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
Speaker 2: health podcast in the world.
Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come
Speaker 1: back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, if
Speaker 1: you've been leaving reviews, it means the world to me.
Speaker 1: There have been some incredible reviews recently, and I want
Speaker 1: you to know how much I value how much I
Speaker 1: appreciate the beautiful testimonies that you've left about the show,
Speaker 1: how it's impacted you, and I will be posting some
Speaker 1: on my Instagram. So if you haven't left a review yet,
Speaker 1: please go and do it. It makes a huge who
Speaker 1: difference to us as podcast is Please subscribe to the show,
Speaker 1: make sure you've followed as well. Again, it makes a
Speaker 1: huge difference to us as we're building our community, and
Speaker 1: I know so many of you, whether it's the first
Speaker 1: time you're listening or whether it's the thousandth time you're listening,
Speaker 1: I deeply appreciate you being here now. This episode came
Speaker 1: about because I've met so many people in the last
Speaker 1: week who've come up to me and said things like, Jay,
Speaker 1: when I was going through a tough breakup, I turned
Speaker 1: to your book Eight Rules of Love, or your podcast
Speaker 1: On Purpose, or I've met so many people who tell
Speaker 1: me that their friend is going through a really tough divorce.
Speaker 1: And I've even met people who've talked to me about
Speaker 1: a recent breakup they went through and how deeply it's
Speaker 1: affected their self worth and their self esteem. Now, if
Speaker 1: you've gone through a breakup and know that you haven't
Speaker 1: healed yet, this episode's for you. If you're going through
Speaker 1: a breakup right now, this episode's for you. And if
Speaker 1: your friend's growing through a breakup right now, this is
Speaker 1: the episode to send them. And if you've ever been
Speaker 1: broken up with or even if you've broken up with
Speaker 1: someone and you want to know how it affects them,
Speaker 1: what they go through, why they have acted irrationally in
Speaker 1: the past. Maybe you've let someone go for the right reasons,
Speaker 1: but their reaction hasn't been rational. This episode will help
Speaker 1: explain what's happening in our brains, what's happening in our
Speaker 1: minds and why we behave the way we do when
Speaker 1: someone breaks our heart or when you break someone's heart.
Speaker 1: And I want to start off by just saying that
Speaker 1: as I dive into this, feel free to take notes,
Speaker 1: take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you and
Speaker 1: share on Instagram and TikTok. What are the parts that
Speaker 1: really truly stay with you? Now? The first thing I
Speaker 1: want to start off with is this idea that the
Speaker 1: human brain absolutely loves love. The human brain is obsessed
Speaker 1: with love. It's why we're always seeking it. It's why
Speaker 1: we're always after it. Right, If you came to my
Speaker 1: live show, I started off the show by letting you
Speaker 1: know that the number one thing googled when you type
Speaker 1: in will I ever, the first thing that comes up
Speaker 1: is will I ever find love? It's the most google
Speaker 1: question for will I ever? About the future. Our biggest worry,
Speaker 1: our biggest anxiety is will I ever find love? That's
Speaker 1: how big it is. And so the human brain loves love.
Speaker 1: That's because when we experience love, it releases dopamine and
Speaker 1: it releases oxytocin. So that strong release creates this feeling
Speaker 1: that we want to crave, that we want to experience
Speaker 1: that we want in our lives. But let's think about
Speaker 1: what happens when the opposite occurs. When there's a breakup,
Speaker 1: the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone epinephrine. Studies show
Speaker 1: that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes
Speaker 1: craving an addiction. Losing a relationship can throw you into
Speaker 1: a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard to function.
Speaker 1: You ache for your ex sometimes literally, and you can't
Speaker 1: get them out of your head. This is like an addiction.
Speaker 1: But the good news is we can also overcome this.
Speaker 1: So you're seeing that on one side, when we're experiencing love,
Speaker 1: dopamine and oxytocin the chemicals that we want to feel,
Speaker 1: and then quartisol. Even though stress can be a great
Speaker 1: thing in the beginning of a relationship, we feel that excitement.
Speaker 1: The levels of cortisol when we go through our breakup
Speaker 1: are high and very difficult to deal with. Too much
Speaker 1: cortisol in the brain, study show sends blood to the
Speaker 1: major muscle groups. What happens is those muscles think that
Speaker 1: they're about to fight a threat, so they go into
Speaker 1: that fight or flight mode. But the problem is when
Speaker 1: you're being broken up with there is no physical fight, right.
Speaker 1: The muscles don't need that energy, and there's nowhere to
Speaker 1: express that energy. But that may be why we feel
Speaker 1: like hitting people sometimes. Right, We've all seen movies where
Speaker 1: you want to throw the dart at the face of
Speaker 1: that person on the picture, or you want to throw
Speaker 1: rocks at them, or maybe you want to punch them
Speaker 1: in the face. Right. That feeling comes from that fight
Speaker 1: of flight mode. But because there's nowhere to give that energy,
Speaker 1: to release that energy, right, sometimes you want to. You know,
Speaker 1: movies give us lots of ideas. You want to scratch
Speaker 1: their car, you want to do all these things. But
Speaker 1: because most of us don't do those things, what ends
Speaker 1: up happening is that that energy stays within our body.
Speaker 1: This is what causes headaches, this is what causes you know,
Speaker 1: pain in our neck and our back, and this is
Speaker 1: often why we feel so tight chested and so heavy
Speaker 1: in our chest. And so it's really interesting to me
Speaker 1: how even that asion, we start thinking sometimes oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm so aggressive, oh my god, they're so angry, And
Speaker 1: really what's happening is that cortisol level is creating this
Speaker 1: desire for a physical altercation. But because most of us
Speaker 1: control that sensation, the body keeps the score. As that
Speaker 1: great book is titled, the body keeps the score. And
Speaker 1: a lot of the time that tight shestedness, that feeling
Speaker 1: of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress, keeps
Speaker 1: it in their body. Now, what ends up happening is
Speaker 1: to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply. Cortisol
Speaker 1: diverts blood away from the digestive system. This is what
Speaker 1: causes everything from digestive issues, cramps, stomach pain, stress in
Speaker 1: our gut, and this of course can lead to appetite
Speaker 1: loss or diarrhea or even cravings. Just think about this
Speaker 1: for a second. When was the last time when you
Speaker 1: were broken up with and it led to bad food decisions,
Speaker 1: when it led to you not feeling so great inside?
Speaker 1: And so you can see that these aren't just irrational triggers.
Speaker 1: This isn't because you're weak. It's actually a chemical reason
Speaker 1: as to why we behave this way. Then, when the
Speaker 1: stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle,
Speaker 1: which of course makes us more prone to getting sick.
Speaker 1: And that's why there's the often thing known as the breakup,
Speaker 1: cold or why our immune system takes a hit. And
Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that happens here is that
Speaker 1: with that steady release of cortisol, it starts to impact
Speaker 1: the quality of our sleep. It starts to impact our
Speaker 1: ability to make healthy decisions and choices. This is why
Speaker 1: we start thinking do I text them? Do I message them?
Speaker 1: Do I stalk them on social media? Do I comment
Speaker 1: on their last post? Do I ask my friend what
Speaker 1: are they up to? What are they doing right? It
Speaker 1: can often make us really, It can make us really
Speaker 1: do things that are out of character. And I think again,
Speaker 1: we've all experienced this, either as the recipient or as
Speaker 1: the person who does it. And I think we often
Speaker 1: look back at ourselves and we think, God, why did
Speaker 1: I do that? I'm the worst, I'm so crazy, or
Speaker 1: we think, oh, that person's gone crazy, why are they
Speaker 1: acting that way? But we can see that cortisol and
Speaker 1: epinephyrine can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally,
Speaker 1: and we can see why we start to act out
Speaker 1: or wild out because of this. Now I'm painting this
Speaker 1: picture for us to empathize with someone going through a breakup,
Speaker 1: because even if your friends growing through a breakup, you're
Speaker 1: often thinking, we'll just get over it, right, what's the
Speaker 1: big deal? Like, they weren't good for you anyway, right?
Speaker 1: How many of us have said that to our friends.
Speaker 1: They're not good enough for you? Why are you giving
Speaker 1: them so much energy? How are you still thinking about them?
Speaker 1: You should be over this by now, right, And it
Speaker 1: becomes a normal part of the conversation we have with
Speaker 1: our friends who are being deeply affected by a breakup.
Speaker 1: The point I'm trying to get across to you is
Speaker 1: that breakups are tough. They're chemically difficult, they're emotionally challenging,
Speaker 1: and they're soulfully troubling. And the reason is because some
Speaker 1: other studies show that when you break up with someone,
Speaker 1: you're almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs.
Speaker 1: We get that craving feeling of wanting them back in
Speaker 1: our life. We think, how can I live without them?
Speaker 1: This is the same thing an addict feels when a
Speaker 1: drug that they're addicted to is removed from their daily consumption.
Speaker 1: Now that we're not daily talking to this individual, now
Speaker 1: that we're not starting our day with their text, now
Speaker 1: that we're not speaking to them every night. Now that
Speaker 1: we're not seeing them, now that we're not feeling that
Speaker 1: sense of physical touch. All of these things act as
Speaker 1: an addict going through a detox process. So it's really
Speaker 1: easy to make it feel like a breakup is just
Speaker 1: an emotional and mental feeling, but it is in fact
Speaker 1: a chemical feeling. But here's the good news. The good
Speaker 1: news is, despite the rise in cortisol, despite the rise
Speaker 1: of epinephrine, despite our muscles holding on to that emotion,
Speaker 1: because that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways
Speaker 1: to solve it now, some of the more quick, immediate
Speaker 1: ways to solve it, because we have that desire for
Speaker 1: a physical release. And this is why often people say,
Speaker 1: if you're going through a breakup, it's important to work out,
Speaker 1: it's important to move around. But when we hear that,
Speaker 1: we think, I don't want to work out right now,
Speaker 1: I just want to stay in bed. It's why there's
Speaker 1: something called the rage room that exists, and it may
Speaker 1: be called something different in your city. I remember I
Speaker 1: went with rather a few years ago. We made a
Speaker 1: YouTube video about it. We went to this place in
Speaker 1: La called the Rage Room. It's a room where you
Speaker 1: get given a baseball bat goggles and some overalls, and
Speaker 1: you break things, old things, you break old computers, old
Speaker 1: fax machines, you break bottles, you break all these things. Now,
Speaker 1: what's really interesting is me and Rady went in to
Speaker 1: see if it was fun. We walked in unstressed, but
Speaker 1: we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment.
Speaker 1: We found that when we went to do something destructive,
Speaker 1: when we didn't feel upset, we walked out more stressed.
Speaker 1: And when we asked the person who worked there why
Speaker 1: that was, they said, well, you're meant to come in
Speaker 1: here when you are stressed in order to release it.
Speaker 1: So again, don't go to it unless you're feeling that desire.
Speaker 1: I just want to bunch them in the face and
Speaker 1: just you know, I'm so mad and so angry. It's
Speaker 1: important to release that rage. And this is one of
Speaker 1: the biggest mistakes we make. We think that rage makes
Speaker 1: us bad. We think that the rage is not useful,
Speaker 1: But it is a feeling that needs to be released
Speaker 1: in a controlled, safe environment. Some people like to burn
Speaker 1: old things, old pictures, whatever it may be. Again, this
Speaker 1: is a sign of us wanting to release that rage, right,
Speaker 1: that feeling in our body of the quarter's all that's
Speaker 1: brought about that fight or flight, and we don't have
Speaker 1: the ability to fight. But what we have to understand
Speaker 1: is our biggest mistake when we're trying to heal is
Speaker 1: we don't allow ourselves to feel these things. We also
Speaker 1: want to go from hurting to being fully healed. We
Speaker 1: don't want to go through a process, so we're hoping
Speaker 1: that one day we're going to wake up and this
Speaker 1: thing that we're feeling is just going to disappear. That's
Speaker 1: not how it works. We have to understand that there's
Speaker 1: levels to our healing, and what we have to do
Speaker 1: is focus on getting to the next level, not the
Speaker 1: complete level. Right, it's almost like saying you're playing a
Speaker 1: game and you want to finish the game without going
Speaker 1: through all the levels. You want to get to the
Speaker 1: endgame without going through each of the segments and sections.
Speaker 1: So the three phases in our language are reeling, feeling,
Speaker 1: and healing. Right in the beginning, you're reeling, you're shocked,
Speaker 1: you're surprised, you can't believe it. Then we have to
Speaker 1: allow ourselves to feel, and then the healing process starts. Now,
Speaker 1: something known as the Kubler Ross five stages of grief
Speaker 1: shows the more clear steps of what you're going to
Speaker 1: experience and the Kubler Ross five stages of grief was
Speaker 1: first developed for people who are unwell or diagnosed with
Speaker 1: a illness, but later they actually got likened for someone
Speaker 1: who is dealing with grief when someone would lose someone
Speaker 1: they love. Now, here's the interesting thing. We've realized now
Speaker 1: today that loss doesn't just mean death, right, it means
Speaker 1: the end of a relationship. So loss doesn't just mean
Speaker 1: you lost someone because they're no longer here. You can
Speaker 1: even have the loss of a person you once knew.
Speaker 1: You can have a loss of an identity you once
Speaker 1: had being this person's partner. You have a loss of
Speaker 1: the idea of the future you wanted. You have a
Speaker 1: loss of the idea of who you thought someone was.
Speaker 1: These are all types of grief, right. Grief isn't just
Speaker 1: I lost them, they're no longer in my life. Grief
Speaker 1: also is the loss of a life we thought we
Speaker 1: were creating, the loss of the marriage we imagined with
Speaker 1: this individual. That more deeply we imagined and envisioned the
Speaker 1: deeper that grief is experienced just because you didn't have
Speaker 1: the life experience doesn't mean you don't have the grief experience,
Speaker 1: because the grief experience is mental and emotional more than
Speaker 1: it is physical. And so often we underplace someone's grief
Speaker 1: because we think, oh, they never you know, come on,
Speaker 1: you weren't even together for that long. Why are you overreacting?
Speaker 1: But they're not because for them, they were together in
Speaker 1: their head, in their mind, they'd made commitments. So the
Speaker 1: Kubler Ross model has these stages. The first stage is denial.
Speaker 1: We are in denial. Oh, they'll come back. I know,
Speaker 1: I'll get them back. They're just going through a rough time.
Speaker 1: You know they're gonna miss me. There's a sense of denial, right.
Speaker 1: It makes you pretend a little bit, or it allows
Speaker 1: you to get used to the fact that something's happening.
Speaker 1: But very slowly, it's okay to feel denial. I think
Speaker 1: often when someone's in denial, we say no, no, no, don't
Speaker 1: be in denial. Come on, they're not coming back. Just
Speaker 1: be honest with yourself. The point is it's a phase
Speaker 1: we need to go through because what your mind is
Speaker 1: doing is it slowly making you okay with the reality.
Speaker 1: Right if you immediately accepted that your new reality was
Speaker 1: this person's gone. That may be so emotionally painful that
Speaker 1: the mind almost drip feeds you that information. So the
Speaker 1: mind says, let's go into denial first. Let's pretend like
Speaker 1: it's not happening, nothing's changed, everything's okay. It's just that
Speaker 1: kind of a moment. So denying gives you time to
Speaker 1: gradually process what is happening. And this is a common
Speaker 1: way in which we protect ourselves. And what it does
Speaker 1: is it allows us to create a defense to the
Speaker 1: pain that we'd feel if we allowed it to all
Speaker 1: happen at once. And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly,
Speaker 1: we start to rise to recognizing that may not be
Speaker 1: the case. And again, when we see people in denial,
Speaker 1: we're often like, come on, stopp being in denial, they're gone,
Speaker 1: wake up. But actually they can't emotionally accept that. They
Speaker 1: can't emotionally allow themselves to feel that because it would
Speaker 1: be too painful. And I think when we feel forced
Speaker 1: to experience something, we know what that feels like, like
Speaker 1: you can't do it, Like I physically can't allow myself
Speaker 1: to feel that because I'll break right, That's how they feel.
Speaker 1: I physically can't allow myself to feel that way because
Speaker 1: I have no idea what that's going to lead to.
Speaker 1: And I think this is one of the reasons why
Speaker 1: we can't rush the people in our life to feel
Speaker 1: something they're not ready to feel yet, knowing and trusting
Speaker 1: that they will get there. And you may say, well,
Speaker 1: I told you so, but that isn't how it works.
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Speaker 1: The second stage of the Kubler Ross model is anger.
Speaker 1: Think Scissor kill Bill. Right. I was just at the Grammys,
Speaker 1: which I was really lucky and having to go to
Speaker 1: and Scissor performed, and of course she performed kill Bill.
Speaker 1: And I know you all know the lyrics, but it's
Speaker 1: exactly that, right, I might kill my ex. Not the
Speaker 1: best idea his new girlfriend's next. How do I get here? Right?
Speaker 1: But it's like that's very real, Right, That anger you
Speaker 1: experience is real. I might kill my ex. I still
Speaker 1: love him, though, rather be in jail than alone. Right.
Speaker 1: When you just hear those lyrics, it's like, you know
Speaker 1: what that's felt like, right, you know what that's felt like.
Speaker 1: And it goes back to that fight or flight feeling
Speaker 1: that I was speaking about before. And I think what's
Speaker 1: really really hard about the anger phase is that there
Speaker 1: isn't an outlet, right, there is that feeling, and of
Speaker 1: course you know the lyrics go, I got me a
Speaker 1: therapist to tell me that there's other men, and I
Speaker 1: don't want none. I just want you, and if I
Speaker 1: can't have you, no one should, right, And so that
Speaker 1: lyric is actually the reality of the complexity of that situation.
Speaker 1: Sissa absolutely nailed it right. It's such a great definition
Speaker 1: and explanation of the emotions that are felt while the
Speaker 1: chemicals are happening in the background. And it's such a
Speaker 1: challenging state, as I said, because there isn't an outlet
Speaker 1: for that anger. There isn't an outlet for that pain.
Speaker 1: And this is why some people have a burn list
Speaker 1: or I remember I interviewed Nessa on the podcast. She
Speaker 1: had a burn box on stage where people would bring
Speaker 1: something to burn that they wanted to leave behind and
Speaker 1: let go and It's why those external rituals and practices
Speaker 1: are sometimes needed and necessary, because we need a way
Speaker 1: to release that anger. Often it comes out talking to
Speaker 1: our friends, and then our friends get tired of it.
Speaker 1: We talk to our therapist about it. But it's almost
Speaker 1: like a physical feeling and physical emotion that needs to
Speaker 1: be released. The third stage of the Kubler Ross model
Speaker 1: is called bargaining. Now. This stage is where you start
Speaker 1: to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless, and
Speaker 1: you're trying to find ways to regain control. So you
Speaker 1: say things like, if only I had more time with him,
Speaker 1: he would have stayed, If only I didn't work as hard,
Speaker 1: they would be here right now, if only, if only,
Speaker 1: if only I wish I did more of X, I
Speaker 1: wish I didn't do. Why I wish, I wish I wish.
Speaker 1: And this is the experience that we have of we're
Speaker 1: bargaining with ourselves. We're trying to say, Okay, now I
Speaker 1: need to take responsibility. Right, I've denied that it's happening.
Speaker 1: Now I've been angry at them, and now I'm almost
Speaker 1: going inward and turning that anger at myself as to
Speaker 1: I could have done better, I should have done better,
Speaker 1: I would have done better. So we talked about denial.
Speaker 1: You just have to feel. You have to allow that
Speaker 1: person to feel they're coming back. It's going to come around,
Speaker 1: even though you know it's not, and you allow yourself
Speaker 1: to feel that as well, because when you fight the
Speaker 1: denial or you try and force yourself forward, it's like
Speaker 1: you're trying to skip a level of a game, but
Speaker 1: you can't actually skip it because there's vital lessons for
Speaker 1: you to learn in that part of the game, and
Speaker 1: the vital lesson there, even if you don't want it
Speaker 1: is they're not coming back, and my brain can't process
Speaker 1: everything at once, so I have to allow my brain
Speaker 1: to process it gradually. With anger, like I said, you
Speaker 1: do want to find a physical way to let it out.
Speaker 1: You do want to find a non violent, non aggressive,
Speaker 1: non direct way. Whether it's the rage room, whether it's
Speaker 1: the burnless therapy. Of course I recommend above all of these,
Speaker 1: but there is a need to explore that anger without
Speaker 1: exploding onto someone else or hurting yourself. Right, violence is
Speaker 1: never needed, never the answer. Any sort of damage to
Speaker 1: someone else's property, anything is never the answer, not needed.
Speaker 1: But we need a safe, controlled way to explore that
Speaker 1: therapy is of course a great way. Friends is a
Speaker 1: fantastic way, and then a safe physical way as well
Speaker 1: that is not harmful to oneself is something that people
Speaker 1: are using now. The fourth step of the Kubla Ross
Speaker 1: model is depression. What's really interesting is that anger and
Speaker 1: bargaining are more proactive, and they're kind of like, you're
Speaker 1: doing something about it, right, There's a feeling of I
Speaker 1: need to take action, whereas depression, of course, is far
Speaker 1: more of a passive and experienced things. And earlier on
Speaker 1: you're like kind of not letting yourself feel this way,
Speaker 1: but now you've kind of dealing with them. But it's
Speaker 1: bringing you down, right, And this is what makes you
Speaker 1: want to go into isolation, which is not unhealthy, but
Speaker 1: not fully healthy. You want to stay connected to people
Speaker 1: that love you and care for you. You want to stay grounded. Again.
Speaker 1: With all of this, I would recommend the help of
Speaker 1: a therapist. I would recommend the help of friends to
Speaker 1: help you to understand all of this. And this may
Speaker 1: feel where you feel really heavy, you feel overwhelmed, you
Speaker 1: feel exhausted because now you're processing all those emotions that
Speaker 1: you initially denied. The denial has led to depression. Right.
Speaker 1: Denial is you're saying it's not real, when depression is saying, gosh,
Speaker 1: I know it's real. And this can sometimes be the
Speaker 1: longest stage because the questions we're asking are will anyone
Speaker 1: ever love me? Or? Am I lovable? Right? These are
Speaker 1: questions you start asking these root questions. Now it's not
Speaker 1: about them, it's about you. And this is where therapy
Speaker 1: can be so powerful, where coaching can be so powerful,
Speaker 1: because we need to learn to rebuild that inner self esteem.
Speaker 1: But now at least we're focusing on ourselves. Right, That's
Speaker 1: the key tip in depression. When you're experiencing that, it's
Speaker 1: now saying, Okay, I'm going to rebuild myself. I'm going
Speaker 1: to start from scratch again, and I'm going to focus
Speaker 1: on will anyone ever love me? And my lovabill? Let
Speaker 1: me focus on that, let me build from that. And
Speaker 1: the fifth and final stage is acceptance. Now, acceptance is
Speaker 1: not like a happy or good feeling, but it means
Speaker 1: that you're accepting that the relationship is over. You're accepting
Speaker 1: that you both had responsibility, but you're accepting that you're
Speaker 1: on the right path, that you've learned from this you've
Speaker 1: gone through something huge in your life, but you're starting
Speaker 1: to realize that you've learned valuable lessons that are powerful.
Speaker 1: So you may say things to yourself like it was right,
Speaker 1: but it still hurts. It's good that it's ended, but
Speaker 1: it still causes me pain. This acceptance is that oscillating
Speaker 1: place of I know it was right, I get why
Speaker 1: it had to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't
Speaker 1: feel pain now. The reason I'm walking you through these
Speaker 1: five stages is all of a sudden, you start to go, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not mad, I'm not crazy. Oh, I'm not delusional.
Speaker 1: This is natural, and what your friends are feeling is natural.
Speaker 1: I think it's so easy when you're going for a
Speaker 1: breakup to be like, I'm going crazy, I'm going mad,
Speaker 1: but you're not. I'm sure you've experienced all of these
Speaker 1: stages in the acceptance is accepting I'm not mad, I'm
Speaker 1: not crazy. This is what had to happen, and there
Speaker 1: are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm
Speaker 1: going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth.
Speaker 1: I'm working with the therapist, I'm working with the coach,
Speaker 1: I'm working on my self. Work. I want to end
Speaker 1: by sharing with you a beautiful poem and peace called
Speaker 1: the Stone, that was written by Jessica Watson. So I'm
Speaker 1: reading from Jessica Watson. Listen to this. Jessica said that
Speaker 1: the best way she can describe grief is by carrying
Speaker 1: a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone
Speaker 1: brushes against your skin. You feel it, You always feel it.
Speaker 1: But depending on the way you stand or the way
Speaker 1: your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you lean the wrong way, or you turn too quickly,
Speaker 1: and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and
Speaker 1: you rub your wound. But you have to keep going
Speaker 1: because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do,
Speaker 1: they don't realize it can still bring this much pain.
Speaker 1: There are days you are simply happy. Now, smiling comes easy,
Speaker 1: and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during
Speaker 1: that laughter, and you feel your stone and aren't sure
Speaker 1: whether you should be laughing. Still, the stone still hurts.
Speaker 1: Once in a while, you can't take your hand off
Speaker 1: that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll
Speaker 1: it in your palm, and are so preoccupied by its
Speaker 1: weight you forget things like your car keys and home address.
Speaker 1: You try to leave it alone, but you just can't.
Speaker 1: You want to take a nap, but it's been so
Speaker 1: many years since you've called in sad you're not sure
Speaker 1: anyone would understand anymore, or if they ever did. But
Speaker 1: most days you can take your hand in and out
Speaker 1: of your pocket, feel your stone, and even smile at
Speaker 1: its unwavering presence. You've accepted this stone as your own,
Speaker 1: crossing your hands over it, saying mine as children, do
Speaker 1: you rest more peacefully than you once did. You learn
Speaker 1: to move forward the best you can. Some days you
Speaker 1: want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding,
Speaker 1: But most days you twirl it through your fingers and
Speaker 1: smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands
Speaker 1: together and hope you're living in a way that honors
Speaker 1: the missing piece you carry until your arms are full again.
Speaker 1: I love that piece by Jessica Watson. I hope you'll
Speaker 1: remember it and read it and listen to it again
Speaker 1: and again. The Stone by Jessica Watson. And the last
Speaker 1: thing I'll leave you with is this understanding that the
Speaker 1: stone doesn't get smaller, but you get bigger, you get stronger,
Speaker 1: and that makes it feel smaller. The real path to
Speaker 1: healing is becoming the best version of yourself. When you
Speaker 1: become the best version of yourself, the parts of yourself
Speaker 1: that are affected by that weakness and weight start to
Speaker 1: become lighter and brighter and easier. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening to on Purpose. I hope you'll share this
Speaker 1: with a friend. I hope you'll pass it along to
Speaker 1: someone in your life who's struggling with any type of grief.
Speaker 1: And I hope that this has benefited you deeply and
Speaker 1: I'm saving you so much love. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1: See you soon. If you love this episode, you're going
Speaker 1: to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to
Speaker 1: get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion
Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to
Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or
Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.