WEBVTT - Why You Haven't Healed From Your Break Up and How To Get Over Your Ex 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:04.320 There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:06.680 is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:11.280 present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss 0:00:11.360 --> 0:00:13.760 all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:17.120 actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:19.919 where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:22.680 a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:25.520 fun and easy. 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I think it's so 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:03.120 easy when you're going for a breakup to be like 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:05.839 I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not. There 0:01:05.880 --> 0:01:08.480 are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:11.520 going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth. 0:01:11.560 --> 0:01:13.559 I'm working with the therapist, I'm working with the coach. 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:15.120 I'm working on my self worth. 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:21.720 The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Sheety Jay Shetty, 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:26.480 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:27.920 health podcast in the world. 0:01:27.959 --> 0:01:30.039 Thanks to each and every one of you that come 0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:34.959 back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, if 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:37.880 you've been leaving reviews, it means the world to me. 0:01:38.000 --> 0:01:42.520 There have been some incredible reviews recently, and I want 0:01:42.520 --> 0:01:44.679 you to know how much I value how much I 0:01:44.760 --> 0:01:49.720 appreciate the beautiful testimonies that you've left about the show, 0:01:50.080 --> 0:01:53.480 how it's impacted you, and I will be posting some 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:57.559 on my Instagram. So if you haven't left a review yet, 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:00.120 please go and do it. It makes a huge who 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:04.680 difference to us as podcast is Please subscribe to the show, 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.680 make sure you've followed as well. Again, it makes a 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:11.800 huge difference to us as we're building our community, and 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:13.720 I know so many of you, whether it's the first 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:16.840 time you're listening or whether it's the thousandth time you're listening, 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:21.120 I deeply appreciate you being here now. This episode came 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:24.600 about because I've met so many people in the last 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:28.400 week who've come up to me and said things like, Jay, 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:31.240 when I was going through a tough breakup, I turned 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.040 to your book Eight Rules of Love, or your podcast 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.760 On Purpose, or I've met so many people who tell 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:40.639 me that their friend is going through a really tough divorce. 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:43.560 And I've even met people who've talked to me about 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:47.040 a recent breakup they went through and how deeply it's 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:52.000 affected their self worth and their self esteem. Now, if 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:55.000 you've gone through a breakup and know that you haven't 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:58.799 healed yet, this episode's for you. If you're going through 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.320 a breakup right now, this episode's for you. And if 0:03:02.360 --> 0:03:05.120 your friend's growing through a breakup right now, this is 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:08.640 the episode to send them. And if you've ever been 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:10.840 broken up with or even if you've broken up with 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:13.600 someone and you want to know how it affects them, 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:17.360 what they go through, why they have acted irrationally in 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:20.760 the past. Maybe you've let someone go for the right reasons, 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:25.400 but their reaction hasn't been rational. This episode will help 0:03:25.480 --> 0:03:29.560 explain what's happening in our brains, what's happening in our 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:33.200 minds and why we behave the way we do when 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:37.680 someone breaks our heart or when you break someone's heart. 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:40.760 And I want to start off by just saying that 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:44.480 as I dive into this, feel free to take notes, 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:47.280 take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you and 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:50.880 share on Instagram and TikTok. What are the parts that 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:54.000 really truly stay with you? Now? The first thing I 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:57.600 want to start off with is this idea that the 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:03.640 human brain absolutely loves love. The human brain is obsessed 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:06.520 with love. It's why we're always seeking it. It's why 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:09.560 we're always after it. Right, If you came to my 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:12.520 live show, I started off the show by letting you 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:16.719 know that the number one thing googled when you type 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:19.800 in will I ever, the first thing that comes up 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:24.159 is will I ever find love? It's the most google 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:27.599 question for will I ever? About the future. Our biggest worry, 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:31.600 our biggest anxiety is will I ever find love? That's 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:34.480 how big it is. And so the human brain loves love. 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:39.160 That's because when we experience love, it releases dopamine and 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:44.719 it releases oxytocin. So that strong release creates this feeling 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:48.240 that we want to crave, that we want to experience 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:52.560 that we want in our lives. But let's think about 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.960 what happens when the opposite occurs. When there's a breakup, 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:02.080 the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone epinephrine. Studies show 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:05.960 that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:10.160 craving an addiction. Losing a relationship can throw you into 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:13.480 a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard to function. 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:17.880 You ache for your ex sometimes literally, and you can't 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:20.960 get them out of your head. This is like an addiction. 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:24.159 But the good news is we can also overcome this. 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:27.920 So you're seeing that on one side, when we're experiencing love, 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:31.520 dopamine and oxytocin the chemicals that we want to feel, 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:34.320 and then quartisol. Even though stress can be a great 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:37.560 thing in the beginning of a relationship, we feel that excitement. 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:40.839 The levels of cortisol when we go through our breakup 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:44.920 are high and very difficult to deal with. Too much 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:48.919 cortisol in the brain, study show sends blood to the 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:53.440 major muscle groups. What happens is those muscles think that 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:56.480 they're about to fight a threat, so they go into 0:05:56.520 --> 0:05:59.960 that fight or flight mode. But the problem is when 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:03.240 you're being broken up with there is no physical fight, right. 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:07.839 The muscles don't need that energy, and there's nowhere to 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:11.479 express that energy. But that may be why we feel 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:14.400 like hitting people sometimes. Right, We've all seen movies where 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:17.560 you want to throw the dart at the face of 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.320 that person on the picture, or you want to throw 0:06:20.400 --> 0:06:22.840 rocks at them, or maybe you want to punch them 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:25.440 in the face. Right. That feeling comes from that fight 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:30.799 of flight mode. But because there's nowhere to give that energy, 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:34.320 to release that energy, right, sometimes you want to. You know, 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:36.279 movies give us lots of ideas. You want to scratch 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:38.120 their car, you want to do all these things. But 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:41.200 because most of us don't do those things, what ends 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:44.680 up happening is that that energy stays within our body. 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:48.640 This is what causes headaches, this is what causes you know, 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.360 pain in our neck and our back, and this is 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:54.720 often why we feel so tight chested and so heavy 0:06:55.320 --> 0:06:58.320 in our chest. And so it's really interesting to me 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:02.720 how even that asion, we start thinking sometimes oh my gosh, 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:05.680 I'm so aggressive, oh my god, they're so angry, And 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:09.760 really what's happening is that cortisol level is creating this 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:13.760 desire for a physical altercation. But because most of us 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:17.640 control that sensation, the body keeps the score. As that 0:07:17.680 --> 0:07:21.360 great book is titled, the body keeps the score. And 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.880 a lot of the time that tight shestedness, that feeling 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:28.960 of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress, keeps 0:07:29.000 --> 0:07:33.880 it in their body. Now, what ends up happening is 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:37.680 to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply. Cortisol 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:41.760 diverts blood away from the digestive system. This is what 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:48.480 causes everything from digestive issues, cramps, stomach pain, stress in 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:51.400 our gut, and this of course can lead to appetite 0:07:51.440 --> 0:07:56.120 loss or diarrhea or even cravings. Just think about this 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:58.240 for a second. When was the last time when you 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:02.160 were broken up with and it led to bad food decisions, 0:08:02.440 --> 0:08:04.600 when it led to you not feeling so great inside? 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:09.280 And so you can see that these aren't just irrational triggers. 0:08:09.720 --> 0:08:13.800 This isn't because you're weak. It's actually a chemical reason 0:08:13.880 --> 0:08:17.440 as to why we behave this way. Then, when the 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:22.520 stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle, 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.239 which of course makes us more prone to getting sick. 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.480 And that's why there's the often thing known as the breakup, 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:33.400 cold or why our immune system takes a hit. And 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.439 one of the biggest things that happens here is that 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:40.080 with that steady release of cortisol, it starts to impact 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:43.640 the quality of our sleep. It starts to impact our 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:47.280 ability to make healthy decisions and choices. This is why 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.520 we start thinking do I text them? Do I message them? 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:53.760 Do I stalk them on social media? Do I comment 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:56.360 on their last post? Do I ask my friend what 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:58.440 are they up to? What are they doing right? It 0:08:58.440 --> 0:09:02.280 can often make us really, It can make us really 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:06.040 do things that are out of character. And I think again, 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:09.280 we've all experienced this, either as the recipient or as 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:11.480 the person who does it. And I think we often 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:14.160 look back at ourselves and we think, God, why did 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:17.360 I do that? I'm the worst, I'm so crazy, or 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:19.760 we think, oh, that person's gone crazy, why are they 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:23.840 acting that way? But we can see that cortisol and 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:29.960 epinephyrine can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally, 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:32.760 and we can see why we start to act out 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:36.440 or wild out because of this. Now I'm painting this 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.240 picture for us to empathize with someone going through a breakup, 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.800 because even if your friends growing through a breakup, you're 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:45.600 often thinking, we'll just get over it, right, what's the 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.080 big deal? Like, they weren't good for you anyway, right? 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:50.080 How many of us have said that to our friends. 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:51.840 They're not good enough for you? Why are you giving 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:54.880 them so much energy? How are you still thinking about them? 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.480 You should be over this by now, right, And it 0:09:57.520 --> 0:10:00.800 becomes a normal part of the conversation we have with 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:05.480 our friends who are being deeply affected by a breakup. 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:08.360 The point I'm trying to get across to you is 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:14.839 that breakups are tough. They're chemically difficult, they're emotionally challenging, 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:21.600 and they're soulfully troubling. And the reason is because some 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:25.640 other studies show that when you break up with someone, 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:31.280 you're almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs. 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.480 We get that craving feeling of wanting them back in 0:10:34.520 --> 0:10:37.120 our life. We think, how can I live without them? 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:40.640 This is the same thing an addict feels when a 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:45.200 drug that they're addicted to is removed from their daily consumption. 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:49.480 Now that we're not daily talking to this individual, now 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:52.680 that we're not starting our day with their text, now 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.920 that we're not speaking to them every night. Now that 0:10:55.960 --> 0:10:58.960 we're not seeing them, now that we're not feeling that 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:04.640 sense of physical touch. All of these things act as 0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:09.280 an addict going through a detox process. So it's really 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:11.800 easy to make it feel like a breakup is just 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:15.600 an emotional and mental feeling, but it is in fact 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:20.000 a chemical feeling. But here's the good news. The good 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:25.040 news is, despite the rise in cortisol, despite the rise 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:29.720 of epinephrine, despite our muscles holding on to that emotion, 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.720 because that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.120 to solve it now, some of the more quick, immediate 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:41.320 ways to solve it, because we have that desire for 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:44.120 a physical release. And this is why often people say, 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:46.240 if you're going through a breakup, it's important to work out, 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:48.600 it's important to move around. But when we hear that, 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:50.080 we think, I don't want to work out right now, 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.559 I just want to stay in bed. It's why there's 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:57.120 something called the rage room that exists, and it may 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:59.560 be called something different in your city. I remember I 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:01.720 went with rather a few years ago. We made a 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:04.200 YouTube video about it. We went to this place in 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:06.840 La called the Rage Room. It's a room where you 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:11.240 get given a baseball bat goggles and some overalls, and 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:15.559 you break things, old things, you break old computers, old 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:19.880 fax machines, you break bottles, you break all these things. Now, 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.000 what's really interesting is me and Rady went in to 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:25.760 see if it was fun. We walked in unstressed, but 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:29.880 we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment. 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.920 We found that when we went to do something destructive, 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:37.680 when we didn't feel upset, we walked out more stressed. 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:40.120 And when we asked the person who worked there why 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:42.000 that was, they said, well, you're meant to come in 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:45.360 here when you are stressed in order to release it. 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.480 So again, don't go to it unless you're feeling that desire. 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:50.880 I just want to bunch them in the face and 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:53.760 just you know, I'm so mad and so angry. It's 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:57.280 important to release that rage. And this is one of 0:12:57.320 --> 0:13:00.760 the biggest mistakes we make. We think that rage makes 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:04.000 us bad. We think that the rage is not useful, 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:06.880 But it is a feeling that needs to be released 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:12.600 in a controlled, safe environment. Some people like to burn 0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:16.480 old things, old pictures, whatever it may be. Again, this 0:13:16.640 --> 0:13:20.640 is a sign of us wanting to release that rage, right, 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:24.200 that feeling in our body of the quarter's all that's 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:26.960 brought about that fight or flight, and we don't have 0:13:27.040 --> 0:13:30.599 the ability to fight. But what we have to understand 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:35.040 is our biggest mistake when we're trying to heal is 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:40.320 we don't allow ourselves to feel these things. We also 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:44.560 want to go from hurting to being fully healed. We 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:47.600 don't want to go through a process, so we're hoping 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.000 that one day we're going to wake up and this 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:54.880 thing that we're feeling is just going to disappear. That's 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:58.439 not how it works. We have to understand that there's 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.920 levels to our healing, and what we have to do 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:05.560 is focus on getting to the next level, not the 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:08.360 complete level. Right, it's almost like saying you're playing a 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:11.480 game and you want to finish the game without going 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:13.679 through all the levels. You want to get to the 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:19.080 endgame without going through each of the segments and sections. 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:24.840 So the three phases in our language are reeling, feeling, 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:28.440 and healing. Right in the beginning, you're reeling, you're shocked, 0:14:28.760 --> 0:14:32.160 you're surprised, you can't believe it. Then we have to 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:37.080 allow ourselves to feel, and then the healing process starts. Now, 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:41.040 something known as the Kubler Ross five stages of grief 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:45.960 shows the more clear steps of what you're going to 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.720 experience and the Kubler Ross five stages of grief was 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:53.840 first developed for people who are unwell or diagnosed with 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:59.840 a illness, but later they actually got likened for someone 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:03.480 who is dealing with grief when someone would lose someone 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:07.840 they love. Now, here's the interesting thing. We've realized now 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:13.440 today that loss doesn't just mean death, right, it means 0:15:13.520 --> 0:15:16.520 the end of a relationship. So loss doesn't just mean 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:19.560 you lost someone because they're no longer here. You can 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:23.120 even have the loss of a person you once knew. 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:26.840 You can have a loss of an identity you once 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:30.320 had being this person's partner. You have a loss of 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:34.560 the idea of the future you wanted. You have a 0:15:34.560 --> 0:15:37.200 loss of the idea of who you thought someone was. 0:15:37.280 --> 0:15:41.400 These are all types of grief, right. Grief isn't just 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:45.080 I lost them, they're no longer in my life. Grief 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:48.040 also is the loss of a life we thought we 0:15:48.040 --> 0:15:52.520 were creating, the loss of the marriage we imagined with 0:15:52.560 --> 0:16:00.160 this individual. That more deeply we imagined and envisioned the 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:04.160 deeper that grief is experienced just because you didn't have 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:09.920 the life experience doesn't mean you don't have the grief experience, 0:16:10.200 --> 0:16:15.520 because the grief experience is mental and emotional more than 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:20.080 it is physical. And so often we underplace someone's grief 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:24.440 because we think, oh, they never you know, come on, 0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:27.800 you weren't even together for that long. Why are you overreacting? 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.000 But they're not because for them, they were together in 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:34.960 their head, in their mind, they'd made commitments. So the 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:40.320 Kubler Ross model has these stages. The first stage is denial. 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:44.960 We are in denial. Oh, they'll come back. I know, 0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:48.560 I'll get them back. They're just going through a rough time. 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:54.000 You know they're gonna miss me. There's a sense of denial, right. 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:59.520 It makes you pretend a little bit, or it allows 0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:01.880 you to get used to the fact that something's happening. 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:06.080 But very slowly, it's okay to feel denial. I think 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:08.720 often when someone's in denial, we say no, no, no, don't 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:10.159 be in denial. Come on, they're not coming back. Just 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:12.720 be honest with yourself. The point is it's a phase 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:15.560 we need to go through because what your mind is 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:20.680 doing is it slowly making you okay with the reality. 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:25.240 Right if you immediately accepted that your new reality was 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:30.159 this person's gone. That may be so emotionally painful that 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:34.959 the mind almost drip feeds you that information. So the 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:38.520 mind says, let's go into denial first. Let's pretend like 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:43.960 it's not happening, nothing's changed, everything's okay. It's just that 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:48.040 kind of a moment. So denying gives you time to 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:53.240 gradually process what is happening. And this is a common 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:57.960 way in which we protect ourselves. And what it does 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:03.159 is it allows us to create a defense to the 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:06.120 pain that we'd feel if we allowed it to all 0:18:06.200 --> 0:18:13.280 happen at once. And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly, 0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:18.760 we start to rise to recognizing that may not be 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:23.520 the case. And again, when we see people in denial, 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:25.879 we're often like, come on, stopp being in denial, they're gone, 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:31.640 wake up. But actually they can't emotionally accept that. They 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:35.720 can't emotionally allow themselves to feel that because it would 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:38.920 be too painful. And I think when we feel forced 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:41.919 to experience something, we know what that feels like, like 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:45.719 you can't do it, Like I physically can't allow myself 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:48.520 to feel that because I'll break right, That's how they feel. 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:53.520 I physically can't allow myself to feel that way because 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:56.840 I have no idea what that's going to lead to. 0:18:57.880 --> 0:18:59.720 And I think this is one of the reasons why 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:03.639 we can't rush the people in our life to feel 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:07.000 something they're not ready to feel yet, knowing and trusting 0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:10.320 that they will get there. And you may say, well, 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:13.720 I told you so, but that isn't how it works. 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:17.640 I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special 0:19:17.800 --> 0:19:19.840 with all you tea lovers out there. 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I was just at the Grammys, 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:54.119 which I was really lucky and having to go to 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:58.520 and Scissor performed, and of course she performed kill Bill. 0:20:59.240 --> 0:21:04.520 And I know you all know the lyrics, but it's 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:07.320 exactly that, right, I might kill my ex. Not the 0:21:07.359 --> 0:21:11.520 best idea his new girlfriend's next. How do I get here? Right? 0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:15.879 But it's like that's very real, Right, That anger you 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:20.520 experience is real. I might kill my ex. I still 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:24.080 love him, though, rather be in jail than alone. Right. 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:26.840 When you just hear those lyrics, it's like, you know 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:29.720 what that's felt like, right, you know what that's felt like. 0:21:30.400 --> 0:21:32.880 And it goes back to that fight or flight feeling 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:39.000 that I was speaking about before. And I think what's 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:44.040 really really hard about the anger phase is that there 0:21:44.080 --> 0:21:48.359 isn't an outlet, right, there is that feeling, and of 0:21:48.400 --> 0:21:50.280 course you know the lyrics go, I got me a 0:21:50.359 --> 0:21:53.639 therapist to tell me that there's other men, and I 0:21:53.680 --> 0:21:56.240 don't want none. I just want you, and if I 0:21:56.240 --> 0:22:00.600 can't have you, no one should, right, And so that 0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:05.400 lyric is actually the reality of the complexity of that situation. 0:22:05.520 --> 0:22:09.800 Sissa absolutely nailed it right. It's such a great definition 0:22:10.119 --> 0:22:15.040 and explanation of the emotions that are felt while the 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:20.639 chemicals are happening in the background. And it's such a 0:22:20.720 --> 0:22:23.920 challenging state, as I said, because there isn't an outlet 0:22:23.960 --> 0:22:28.119 for that anger. There isn't an outlet for that pain. 0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:31.439 And this is why some people have a burn list 0:22:32.200 --> 0:22:35.639 or I remember I interviewed Nessa on the podcast. She 0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:39.399 had a burn box on stage where people would bring 0:22:39.440 --> 0:22:42.320 something to burn that they wanted to leave behind and 0:22:42.400 --> 0:22:47.120 let go and It's why those external rituals and practices 0:22:47.160 --> 0:22:51.120 are sometimes needed and necessary, because we need a way 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:53.679 to release that anger. Often it comes out talking to 0:22:53.720 --> 0:22:55.439 our friends, and then our friends get tired of it. 0:22:55.760 --> 0:22:58.200 We talk to our therapist about it. But it's almost 0:22:58.280 --> 0:23:01.440 like a physical feeling and physical emotion that needs to 0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:05.040 be released. The third stage of the Kubler Ross model 0:23:05.200 --> 0:23:10.119 is called bargaining. Now. This stage is where you start 0:23:10.160 --> 0:23:14.640 to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless, and 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:20.920 you're trying to find ways to regain control. So you 0:23:20.960 --> 0:23:25.080 say things like, if only I had more time with him, 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:28.600 he would have stayed, If only I didn't work as hard, 0:23:29.320 --> 0:23:33.800 they would be here right now, if only, if only, 0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:39.800 if only I wish I did more of X, I 0:23:39.880 --> 0:23:47.480 wish I didn't do. Why I wish, I wish I wish. 0:23:47.520 --> 0:23:52.080 And this is the experience that we have of we're 0:23:52.160 --> 0:23:57.320 bargaining with ourselves. We're trying to say, Okay, now I 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:00.760 need to take responsibility. Right, I've denied that it's happening. 0:24:01.480 --> 0:24:04.600 Now I've been angry at them, and now I'm almost 0:24:04.680 --> 0:24:07.439 going inward and turning that anger at myself as to 0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:10.879 I could have done better, I should have done better, 0:24:11.600 --> 0:24:14.600 I would have done better. So we talked about denial. 0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:17.520 You just have to feel. You have to allow that 0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:20.919 person to feel they're coming back. It's going to come around, 0:24:20.960 --> 0:24:23.240 even though you know it's not, and you allow yourself 0:24:23.280 --> 0:24:25.520 to feel that as well, because when you fight the 0:24:25.600 --> 0:24:29.159 denial or you try and force yourself forward, it's like 0:24:29.200 --> 0:24:31.679 you're trying to skip a level of a game, but 0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:34.240 you can't actually skip it because there's vital lessons for 0:24:34.280 --> 0:24:36.560 you to learn in that part of the game, and 0:24:36.560 --> 0:24:39.000 the vital lesson there, even if you don't want it 0:24:39.040 --> 0:24:42.000 is they're not coming back, and my brain can't process 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:44.400 everything at once, so I have to allow my brain 0:24:44.480 --> 0:24:47.719 to process it gradually. With anger, like I said, you 0:24:47.760 --> 0:24:50.880