1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:04,320 Speaker 1: There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss 4 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,120 Speaker 1: actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's 6 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,919 Speaker 1: where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for 7 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to 9 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,600 Speaker 1: help you build positive habits, shift yourself, talk, reframe your 10 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,800 Speaker 1: negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life. 11 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in 12 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:40,560 Speaker 1: the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: check out my seven minute daily series to help you 14 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,040 Speaker 1: live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners 15 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 1: of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to 16 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: Calmpremium at calm dot com forward slash j that's c 17 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,400 Speaker 1: LM dot com forward slash jay for forty percent off. 18 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: Calm your Mind, Change your life. I think it's so 19 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: easy when you're going for a breakup to be like 20 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,839 Speaker 1: I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not. There 21 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 1: are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm 22 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth. 23 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,559 Speaker 1: I'm working with the therapist, I'm working with the coach. 24 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 1: I'm working on my self worth. 25 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Sheety Jay Shetty, 26 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,480 Speaker 2: Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one 27 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:27,920 Speaker 2: health podcast in the world. 28 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:30,039 Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come 29 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,959 Speaker 1: back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, if 30 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: you've been leaving reviews, it means the world to me. 31 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: There have been some incredible reviews recently, and I want 32 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,679 Speaker 1: you to know how much I value how much I 33 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: appreciate the beautiful testimonies that you've left about the show, 34 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:53,480 Speaker 1: how it's impacted you, and I will be posting some 35 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,559 Speaker 1: on my Instagram. So if you haven't left a review yet, 36 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 1: please go and do it. It makes a huge who 37 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: difference to us as podcast is Please subscribe to the show, 38 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: make sure you've followed as well. Again, it makes a 39 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,800 Speaker 1: huge difference to us as we're building our community, and 40 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: I know so many of you, whether it's the first 41 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 1: time you're listening or whether it's the thousandth time you're listening, 42 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: I deeply appreciate you being here now. This episode came 43 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: about because I've met so many people in the last 44 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: week who've come up to me and said things like, Jay, 45 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 1: when I was going through a tough breakup, I turned 46 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: to your book Eight Rules of Love, or your podcast 47 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,760 Speaker 1: On Purpose, or I've met so many people who tell 48 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,639 Speaker 1: me that their friend is going through a really tough divorce. 49 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: And I've even met people who've talked to me about 50 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,040 Speaker 1: a recent breakup they went through and how deeply it's 51 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 1: affected their self worth and their self esteem. Now, if 52 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 1: you've gone through a breakup and know that you haven't 53 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: healed yet, this episode's for you. If you're going through 54 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 1: a breakup right now, this episode's for you. And if 55 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: your friend's growing through a breakup right now, this is 56 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: the episode to send them. And if you've ever been 57 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 1: broken up with or even if you've broken up with 58 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: someone and you want to know how it affects them, 59 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,360 Speaker 1: what they go through, why they have acted irrationally in 60 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: the past. Maybe you've let someone go for the right reasons, 61 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: but their reaction hasn't been rational. This episode will help 62 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,560 Speaker 1: explain what's happening in our brains, what's happening in our 63 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: minds and why we behave the way we do when 64 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:37,680 Speaker 1: someone breaks our heart or when you break someone's heart. 65 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: And I want to start off by just saying that 66 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 1: as I dive into this, feel free to take notes, 67 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you and 68 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: share on Instagram and TikTok. What are the parts that 69 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: really truly stay with you? Now? The first thing I 70 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: want to start off with is this idea that the 71 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 1: human brain absolutely loves love. The human brain is obsessed 72 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,520 Speaker 1: with love. It's why we're always seeking it. It's why 73 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: we're always after it. Right, If you came to my 74 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 1: live show, I started off the show by letting you 75 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,719 Speaker 1: know that the number one thing googled when you type 76 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: in will I ever, the first thing that comes up 77 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: is will I ever find love? It's the most google 78 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: question for will I ever? About the future. Our biggest worry, 79 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: our biggest anxiety is will I ever find love? That's 80 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 1: how big it is. And so the human brain loves love. 81 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 1: That's because when we experience love, it releases dopamine and 82 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:44,719 Speaker 1: it releases oxytocin. So that strong release creates this feeling 83 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 1: that we want to crave, that we want to experience 84 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: that we want in our lives. But let's think about 85 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: what happens when the opposite occurs. When there's a breakup, 86 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 1: the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone epinephrine. Studies show 87 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 1: that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes 88 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,160 Speaker 1: craving an addiction. Losing a relationship can throw you into 89 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,480 Speaker 1: a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard to function. 90 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: You ache for your ex sometimes literally, and you can't 91 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 1: get them out of your head. This is like an addiction. 92 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,159 Speaker 1: But the good news is we can also overcome this. 93 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 1: So you're seeing that on one side, when we're experiencing love, 94 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: dopamine and oxytocin the chemicals that we want to feel, 95 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: and then quartisol. Even though stress can be a great 96 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: thing in the beginning of a relationship, we feel that excitement. 97 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,839 Speaker 1: The levels of cortisol when we go through our breakup 98 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: are high and very difficult to deal with. Too much 99 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,919 Speaker 1: cortisol in the brain, study show sends blood to the 100 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 1: major muscle groups. What happens is those muscles think that 101 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,480 Speaker 1: they're about to fight a threat, so they go into 102 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: that fight or flight mode. But the problem is when 103 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 1: you're being broken up with there is no physical fight, right. 104 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 1: The muscles don't need that energy, and there's nowhere to 105 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 1: express that energy. But that may be why we feel 106 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 1: like hitting people sometimes. Right, We've all seen movies where 107 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 1: you want to throw the dart at the face of 108 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: that person on the picture, or you want to throw 109 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: rocks at them, or maybe you want to punch them 110 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: in the face. Right. That feeling comes from that fight 111 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:30,799 Speaker 1: of flight mode. But because there's nowhere to give that energy, 112 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: to release that energy, right, sometimes you want to. You know, 113 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 1: movies give us lots of ideas. You want to scratch 114 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 1: their car, you want to do all these things. But 115 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: because most of us don't do those things, what ends 116 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 1: up happening is that that energy stays within our body. 117 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: This is what causes headaches, this is what causes you know, 118 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: pain in our neck and our back, and this is 119 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 1: often why we feel so tight chested and so heavy 120 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: in our chest. And so it's really interesting to me 121 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,720 Speaker 1: how even that asion, we start thinking sometimes oh my gosh, 122 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: I'm so aggressive, oh my god, they're so angry, And 123 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: really what's happening is that cortisol level is creating this 124 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 1: desire for a physical altercation. But because most of us 125 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: control that sensation, the body keeps the score. As that 126 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 1: great book is titled, the body keeps the score. And 127 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 1: a lot of the time that tight shestedness, that feeling 128 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress, keeps 129 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 1: it in their body. Now, what ends up happening is 130 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,680 Speaker 1: to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply. Cortisol 131 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: diverts blood away from the digestive system. This is what 132 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:48,480 Speaker 1: causes everything from digestive issues, cramps, stomach pain, stress in 133 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: our gut, and this of course can lead to appetite 134 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: loss or diarrhea or even cravings. Just think about this 135 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: for a second. When was the last time when you 136 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:02,160 Speaker 1: were broken up with and it led to bad food decisions, 137 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 1: when it led to you not feeling so great inside? 138 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: And so you can see that these aren't just irrational triggers. 139 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: This isn't because you're weak. It's actually a chemical reason 140 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 1: as to why we behave this way. Then, when the 141 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle, 142 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,239 Speaker 1: which of course makes us more prone to getting sick. 143 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 1: And that's why there's the often thing known as the breakup, 144 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 1: cold or why our immune system takes a hit. And 145 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,439 Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that happens here is that 146 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:40,080 Speaker 1: with that steady release of cortisol, it starts to impact 147 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: the quality of our sleep. It starts to impact our 148 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:47,280 Speaker 1: ability to make healthy decisions and choices. This is why 149 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,520 Speaker 1: we start thinking do I text them? Do I message them? 150 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 1: Do I stalk them on social media? Do I comment 151 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: on their last post? Do I ask my friend what 152 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: are they up to? What are they doing right? It 153 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: can often make us really, It can make us really 154 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: do things that are out of character. And I think again, 155 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 1: we've all experienced this, either as the recipient or as 156 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,480 Speaker 1: the person who does it. And I think we often 157 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: look back at ourselves and we think, God, why did 158 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: I do that? I'm the worst, I'm so crazy, or 159 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: we think, oh, that person's gone crazy, why are they 160 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: acting that way? But we can see that cortisol and 161 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:29,960 Speaker 1: epinephyrine can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally, 162 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 1: and we can see why we start to act out 163 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 1: or wild out because of this. Now I'm painting this 164 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: picture for us to empathize with someone going through a breakup, 165 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 1: because even if your friends growing through a breakup, you're 166 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: often thinking, we'll just get over it, right, what's the 167 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,080 Speaker 1: big deal? Like, they weren't good for you anyway, right? 168 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,080 Speaker 1: How many of us have said that to our friends. 169 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: They're not good enough for you? Why are you giving 170 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 1: them so much energy? How are you still thinking about them? 171 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: You should be over this by now, right, And it 172 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: becomes a normal part of the conversation we have with 173 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: our friends who are being deeply affected by a breakup. 174 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 1: The point I'm trying to get across to you is 175 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:14,839 Speaker 1: that breakups are tough. They're chemically difficult, they're emotionally challenging, 176 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 1: and they're soulfully troubling. And the reason is because some 177 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: other studies show that when you break up with someone, 178 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: you're almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs. 179 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: We get that craving feeling of wanting them back in 180 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: our life. We think, how can I live without them? 181 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: This is the same thing an addict feels when a 182 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 1: drug that they're addicted to is removed from their daily consumption. 183 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: Now that we're not daily talking to this individual, now 184 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: that we're not starting our day with their text, now 185 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: that we're not speaking to them every night. Now that 186 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 1: we're not seeing them, now that we're not feeling that 187 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: sense of physical touch. All of these things act as 188 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 1: an addict going through a detox process. So it's really 189 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: easy to make it feel like a breakup is just 190 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 1: an emotional and mental feeling, but it is in fact 191 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:20,000 Speaker 1: a chemical feeling. But here's the good news. The good 192 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 1: news is, despite the rise in cortisol, despite the rise 193 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:29,720 Speaker 1: of epinephrine, despite our muscles holding on to that emotion, 194 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: because that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways 195 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: to solve it now, some of the more quick, immediate 196 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,320 Speaker 1: ways to solve it, because we have that desire for 197 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: a physical release. And this is why often people say, 198 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 1: if you're going through a breakup, it's important to work out, 199 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: it's important to move around. But when we hear that, 200 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: we think, I don't want to work out right now, 201 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,559 Speaker 1: I just want to stay in bed. It's why there's 202 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: something called the rage room that exists, and it may 203 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,560 Speaker 1: be called something different in your city. I remember I 204 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,720 Speaker 1: went with rather a few years ago. We made a 205 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 1: YouTube video about it. We went to this place in 206 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,840 Speaker 1: La called the Rage Room. It's a room where you 207 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 1: get given a baseball bat goggles and some overalls, and 208 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:15,559 Speaker 1: you break things, old things, you break old computers, old 209 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 1: fax machines, you break bottles, you break all these things. Now, 210 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 1: what's really interesting is me and Rady went in to 211 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: see if it was fun. We walked in unstressed, but 212 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment. 213 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: We found that when we went to do something destructive, 214 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:37,680 Speaker 1: when we didn't feel upset, we walked out more stressed. 215 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: And when we asked the person who worked there why 216 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: that was, they said, well, you're meant to come in 217 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 1: here when you are stressed in order to release it. 218 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: So again, don't go to it unless you're feeling that desire. 219 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: I just want to bunch them in the face and 220 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: just you know, I'm so mad and so angry. It's 221 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: important to release that rage. And this is one of 222 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: the biggest mistakes we make. We think that rage makes 223 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 1: us bad. We think that the rage is not useful, 224 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 1: But it is a feeling that needs to be released 225 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 1: in a controlled, safe environment. Some people like to burn 226 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: old things, old pictures, whatever it may be. Again, this 227 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: is a sign of us wanting to release that rage, right, 228 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,200 Speaker 1: that feeling in our body of the quarter's all that's 229 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,960 Speaker 1: brought about that fight or flight, and we don't have 230 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,599 Speaker 1: the ability to fight. But what we have to understand 231 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 1: is our biggest mistake when we're trying to heal is 232 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:40,320 Speaker 1: we don't allow ourselves to feel these things. We also 233 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,560 Speaker 1: want to go from hurting to being fully healed. We 234 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:47,600 Speaker 1: don't want to go through a process, so we're hoping 235 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: that one day we're going to wake up and this 236 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: thing that we're feeling is just going to disappear. That's 237 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,439 Speaker 1: not how it works. We have to understand that there's 238 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:01,920 Speaker 1: levels to our healing, and what we have to do 239 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 1: is focus on getting to the next level, not the 240 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 1: complete level. Right, it's almost like saying you're playing a 241 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: game and you want to finish the game without going 242 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,679 Speaker 1: through all the levels. You want to get to the 243 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: endgame without going through each of the segments and sections. 244 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: So the three phases in our language are reeling, feeling, 245 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 1: and healing. Right in the beginning, you're reeling, you're shocked, 246 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,160 Speaker 1: you're surprised, you can't believe it. Then we have to 247 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 1: allow ourselves to feel, and then the healing process starts. Now, 248 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,040 Speaker 1: something known as the Kubler Ross five stages of grief 249 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: shows the more clear steps of what you're going to 250 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 1: experience and the Kubler Ross five stages of grief was 251 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 1: first developed for people who are unwell or diagnosed with 252 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 1: a illness, but later they actually got likened for someone 253 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 1: who is dealing with grief when someone would lose someone 254 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 1: they love. Now, here's the interesting thing. We've realized now 255 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:13,440 Speaker 1: today that loss doesn't just mean death, right, it means 256 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: the end of a relationship. So loss doesn't just mean 257 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: you lost someone because they're no longer here. You can 258 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: even have the loss of a person you once knew. 259 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: You can have a loss of an identity you once 260 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,320 Speaker 1: had being this person's partner. You have a loss of 261 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: the idea of the future you wanted. You have a 262 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,200 Speaker 1: loss of the idea of who you thought someone was. 263 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: These are all types of grief, right. Grief isn't just 264 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: I lost them, they're no longer in my life. Grief 265 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: also is the loss of a life we thought we 266 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: were creating, the loss of the marriage we imagined with 267 00:15:52,560 --> 00:16:00,160 Speaker 1: this individual. That more deeply we imagined and envisioned the 268 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 1: deeper that grief is experienced just because you didn't have 269 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: the life experience doesn't mean you don't have the grief experience, 270 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 1: because the grief experience is mental and emotional more than 271 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: it is physical. And so often we underplace someone's grief 272 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: because we think, oh, they never you know, come on, 273 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: you weren't even together for that long. Why are you overreacting? 274 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: But they're not because for them, they were together in 275 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,960 Speaker 1: their head, in their mind, they'd made commitments. So the 276 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 1: Kubler Ross model has these stages. The first stage is denial. 277 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,960 Speaker 1: We are in denial. Oh, they'll come back. I know, 278 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,560 Speaker 1: I'll get them back. They're just going through a rough time. 279 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 1: You know they're gonna miss me. There's a sense of denial, right. 280 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 1: It makes you pretend a little bit, or it allows 281 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 1: you to get used to the fact that something's happening. 282 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: But very slowly, it's okay to feel denial. I think 283 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: often when someone's in denial, we say no, no, no, don't 284 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,159 Speaker 1: be in denial. Come on, they're not coming back. Just 285 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 1: be honest with yourself. The point is it's a phase 286 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: we need to go through because what your mind is 287 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 1: doing is it slowly making you okay with the reality. 288 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 1: Right if you immediately accepted that your new reality was 289 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:30,159 Speaker 1: this person's gone. That may be so emotionally painful that 290 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,959 Speaker 1: the mind almost drip feeds you that information. So the 291 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: mind says, let's go into denial first. Let's pretend like 292 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:43,960 Speaker 1: it's not happening, nothing's changed, everything's okay. It's just that 293 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: kind of a moment. So denying gives you time to 294 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 1: gradually process what is happening. And this is a common 295 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: way in which we protect ourselves. And what it does 296 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:03,159 Speaker 1: is it allows us to create a defense to the 297 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,120 Speaker 1: pain that we'd feel if we allowed it to all 298 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 1: happen at once. And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly, 299 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: we start to rise to recognizing that may not be 300 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:23,520 Speaker 1: the case. And again, when we see people in denial, 301 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,879 Speaker 1: we're often like, come on, stopp being in denial, they're gone, 302 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:31,640 Speaker 1: wake up. But actually they can't emotionally accept that. They 303 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: can't emotionally allow themselves to feel that because it would 304 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,920 Speaker 1: be too painful. And I think when we feel forced 305 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,919 Speaker 1: to experience something, we know what that feels like, like 306 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,719 Speaker 1: you can't do it, Like I physically can't allow myself 307 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: to feel that because I'll break right, That's how they feel. 308 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 1: I physically can't allow myself to feel that way because 309 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: I have no idea what that's going to lead to. 310 00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 1: And I think this is one of the reasons why 311 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,639 Speaker 1: we can't rush the people in our life to feel 312 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 1: something they're not ready to feel yet, knowing and trusting 313 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,320 Speaker 1: that they will get there. And you may say, well, 314 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:13,720 Speaker 1: I told you so, but that isn't how it works. 315 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,640 Speaker 1: I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special 316 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 1: with all you tea lovers out there. And even if 317 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:24,080 Speaker 1: you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling 318 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:27,320 Speaker 1: sodas that are good for you, listen to this RADI 319 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: and I poured our hearts into creating Juny Sparkling Tea 320 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,960 Speaker 1: with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your 321 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: body and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, 322 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: a refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day. 323 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances 324 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,679 Speaker 1: that act like superheroes for your body to help you 325 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,120 Speaker 1: adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. 326 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 1: Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green Tea, 327 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,880 Speaker 1: Ushwa Ganda Acyrola and Lion's main mushroom, and these may 328 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,879 Speaker 1: help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, 329 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain 330 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:16,160 Speaker 1: function even better. Juni has zero sugar and only five 331 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,679 Speaker 1: calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your 332 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So 333 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:28,560 Speaker 1: visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey 334 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off 335 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink j u Ni dot com 336 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 1: and make sure you use the code on purpose now. 337 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:46,120 Speaker 1: The second stage of the Kubler Ross model is anger. 338 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:52,160 Speaker 1: Think Scissor kill Bill. Right. I was just at the Grammys, 339 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 1: which I was really lucky and having to go to 340 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: and Scissor performed, and of course she performed kill Bill. 341 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: And I know you all know the lyrics, but it's 342 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: exactly that, right, I might kill my ex. Not the 343 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:11,520 Speaker 1: best idea his new girlfriend's next. How do I get here? Right? 344 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,879 Speaker 1: But it's like that's very real, Right, That anger you 345 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: experience is real. I might kill my ex. I still 346 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: love him, though, rather be in jail than alone. Right. 347 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 1: When you just hear those lyrics, it's like, you know 348 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: what that's felt like, right, you know what that's felt like. 349 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,880 Speaker 1: And it goes back to that fight or flight feeling 350 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:39,000 Speaker 1: that I was speaking about before. And I think what's 351 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: really really hard about the anger phase is that there 352 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:48,359 Speaker 1: isn't an outlet, right, there is that feeling, and of 353 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,280 Speaker 1: course you know the lyrics go, I got me a 354 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: therapist to tell me that there's other men, and I 355 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: don't want none. I just want you, and if I 356 00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 1: can't have you, no one should, right, And so that 357 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,400 Speaker 1: lyric is actually the reality of the complexity of that situation. 358 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: Sissa absolutely nailed it right. It's such a great definition 359 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:15,040 Speaker 1: and explanation of the emotions that are felt while the 360 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:20,639 Speaker 1: chemicals are happening in the background. And it's such a 361 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,920 Speaker 1: challenging state, as I said, because there isn't an outlet 362 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 1: for that anger. There isn't an outlet for that pain. 363 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,439 Speaker 1: And this is why some people have a burn list 364 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,639 Speaker 1: or I remember I interviewed Nessa on the podcast. She 365 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,399 Speaker 1: had a burn box on stage where people would bring 366 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 1: something to burn that they wanted to leave behind and 367 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:47,120 Speaker 1: let go and It's why those external rituals and practices 368 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 1: are sometimes needed and necessary, because we need a way 369 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,679 Speaker 1: to release that anger. Often it comes out talking to 370 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,439 Speaker 1: our friends, and then our friends get tired of it. 371 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,200 Speaker 1: We talk to our therapist about it. But it's almost 372 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,440 Speaker 1: like a physical feeling and physical emotion that needs to 373 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,040 Speaker 1: be released. The third stage of the Kubler Ross model 374 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:10,119 Speaker 1: is called bargaining. Now. This stage is where you start 375 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:14,640 Speaker 1: to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless, and 376 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 1: you're trying to find ways to regain control. So you 377 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: say things like, if only I had more time with him, 378 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 1: he would have stayed, If only I didn't work as hard, 379 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 1: they would be here right now, if only, if only, 380 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 1: if only I wish I did more of X, I 381 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: wish I didn't do. Why I wish, I wish I wish. 382 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:52,080 Speaker 1: And this is the experience that we have of we're 383 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 1: bargaining with ourselves. We're trying to say, Okay, now I 384 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 1: need to take responsibility. Right, I've denied that it's happening. 385 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: Now I've been angry at them, and now I'm almost 386 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,439 Speaker 1: going inward and turning that anger at myself as to 387 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,879 Speaker 1: I could have done better, I should have done better, 388 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,600 Speaker 1: I would have done better. So we talked about denial. 389 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,520 Speaker 1: You just have to feel. You have to allow that 390 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,919 Speaker 1: person to feel they're coming back. It's going to come around, 391 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,240 Speaker 1: even though you know it's not, and you allow yourself 392 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,520 Speaker 1: to feel that as well, because when you fight the 393 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:29,159 Speaker 1: denial or you try and force yourself forward, it's like 394 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,679 Speaker 1: you're trying to skip a level of a game, but 395 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,240 Speaker 1: you can't actually skip it because there's vital lessons for 396 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 1: you to learn in that part of the game, and 397 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: the vital lesson there, even if you don't want it 398 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 1: is they're not coming back, and my brain can't process 399 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,400 Speaker 1: everything at once, so I have to allow my brain 400 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,719 Speaker 1: to process it gradually. With anger, like I said, you 401 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 1: do want to find a physical way to let it out. 402 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: You do want to find a non violent, non aggressive, 403 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,199 Speaker 1: non direct way. Whether it's the rage room, whether it's 404 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:04,000 Speaker 1: the burnless therapy. Of course I recommend above all of these, 405 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 1: but there is a need to explore that anger without 406 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,119 Speaker 1: exploding onto someone else or hurting yourself. Right, violence is 407 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,119 Speaker 1: never needed, never the answer. Any sort of damage to 408 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: someone else's property, anything is never the answer, not needed. 409 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 1: But we need a safe, controlled way to explore that 410 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: therapy is of course a great way. Friends is a 411 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: fantastic way, and then a safe physical way as well 412 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,160 Speaker 1: that is not harmful to oneself is something that people 413 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:39,440 Speaker 1: are using now. The fourth step of the Kubla Ross 414 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:43,399 Speaker 1: model is depression. What's really interesting is that anger and 415 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 1: bargaining are more proactive, and they're kind of like, you're 416 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 1: doing something about it, right, There's a feeling of I 417 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:54,760 Speaker 1: need to take action, whereas depression, of course, is far 418 00:25:54,840 --> 00:26:00,600 Speaker 1: more of a passive and experienced things. And earlier on 419 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,159 Speaker 1: you're like kind of not letting yourself feel this way, 420 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:09,240 Speaker 1: but now you've kind of dealing with them. But it's 421 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,879 Speaker 1: bringing you down, right, And this is what makes you 422 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:16,639 Speaker 1: want to go into isolation, which is not unhealthy, but 423 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 1: not fully healthy. You want to stay connected to people 424 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:22,440 Speaker 1: that love you and care for you. You want to stay grounded. Again. 425 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 1: With all of this, I would recommend the help of 426 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,080 Speaker 1: a therapist. I would recommend the help of friends to 427 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,800 Speaker 1: help you to understand all of this. And this may 428 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,840 Speaker 1: feel where you feel really heavy, you feel overwhelmed, you 429 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 1: feel exhausted because now you're processing all those emotions that 430 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:43,120 Speaker 1: you initially denied. The denial has led to depression. Right. 431 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 1: Denial is you're saying it's not real, when depression is saying, gosh, 432 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: I know it's real. And this can sometimes be the 433 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: longest stage because the questions we're asking are will anyone 434 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 1: ever love me? Or? Am I lovable? Right? These are 435 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,600 Speaker 1: questions you start asking these root questions. Now it's not 436 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 1: about them, it's about you. And this is where therapy 437 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,400 Speaker 1: can be so powerful, where coaching can be so powerful, 438 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,800 Speaker 1: because we need to learn to rebuild that inner self esteem. 439 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 1: But now at least we're focusing on ourselves. Right, That's 440 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,560 Speaker 1: the key tip in depression. When you're experiencing that, it's 441 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,199 Speaker 1: now saying, Okay, I'm going to rebuild myself. I'm going 442 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,320 Speaker 1: to start from scratch again, and I'm going to focus 443 00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 1: on will anyone ever love me? And my lovabill? Let 444 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,520 Speaker 1: me focus on that, let me build from that. And 445 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:38,160 Speaker 1: the fifth and final stage is acceptance. Now, acceptance is 446 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 1: not like a happy or good feeling, but it means 447 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 1: that you're accepting that the relationship is over. You're accepting 448 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: that you both had responsibility, but you're accepting that you're 449 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,680 Speaker 1: on the right path, that you've learned from this you've 450 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: gone through something huge in your life, but you're starting 451 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: to realize that you've learned valuable lessons that are powerful. 452 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,680 Speaker 1: So you may say things to yourself like it was right, 453 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:11,879 Speaker 1: but it still hurts. It's good that it's ended, but 454 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 1: it still causes me pain. This acceptance is that oscillating 455 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: place of I know it was right, I get why 456 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,359 Speaker 1: it had to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't 457 00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:24,920 Speaker 1: feel pain now. The reason I'm walking you through these 458 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: five stages is all of a sudden, you start to go, oh, 459 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:32,120 Speaker 1: I'm not mad, I'm not crazy. Oh, I'm not delusional. 460 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: This is natural, and what your friends are feeling is natural. 461 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,639 Speaker 1: I think it's so easy when you're going for a 462 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: breakup to be like, I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, 463 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,960 Speaker 1: but you're not. I'm sure you've experienced all of these 464 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 1: stages in the acceptance is accepting I'm not mad, I'm 465 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,400 Speaker 1: not crazy. This is what had to happen, and there 466 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,520 Speaker 1: are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm 467 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth. 468 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:58,600 Speaker 1: I'm working with the therapist, I'm working with the coach, 469 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: I'm working on my self. Work. I want to end 470 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:06,600 Speaker 1: by sharing with you a beautiful poem and peace called 471 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: the Stone, that was written by Jessica Watson. So I'm 472 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:17,000 Speaker 1: reading from Jessica Watson. Listen to this. Jessica said that 473 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,600 Speaker 1: the best way she can describe grief is by carrying 474 00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 1: a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone 475 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:29,320 Speaker 1: brushes against your skin. You feel it, You always feel it. 476 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: But depending on the way you stand or the way 477 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,959 Speaker 1: your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. 478 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes you lean the wrong way, or you turn too quickly, 479 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:45,040 Speaker 1: and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and 480 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 1: you rub your wound. But you have to keep going 481 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:52,120 Speaker 1: because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do, 482 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,480 Speaker 1: they don't realize it can still bring this much pain. 483 00:29:56,080 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: There are days you are simply happy. Now, smiling comes easy, 484 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 1: and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during 485 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,840 Speaker 1: that laughter, and you feel your stone and aren't sure 486 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 1: whether you should be laughing. Still, the stone still hurts. 487 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,240 Speaker 1: Once in a while, you can't take your hand off 488 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 1: that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll 489 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 1: it in your palm, and are so preoccupied by its 490 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 1: weight you forget things like your car keys and home address. 491 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 1: You try to leave it alone, but you just can't. 492 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,080 Speaker 1: You want to take a nap, but it's been so 493 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 1: many years since you've called in sad you're not sure 494 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,600 Speaker 1: anyone would understand anymore, or if they ever did. But 495 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 1: most days you can take your hand in and out 496 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 1: of your pocket, feel your stone, and even smile at 497 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: its unwavering presence. You've accepted this stone as your own, 498 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,000 Speaker 1: crossing your hands over it, saying mine as children, do 499 00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 1: you rest more peacefully than you once did. You learn 500 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 1: to move forward the best you can. Some days you 501 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding, 502 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: But most days you twirl it through your fingers and 503 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands 504 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,640 Speaker 1: together and hope you're living in a way that honors 505 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:21,240 Speaker 1: the missing piece you carry until your arms are full again. 506 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: I love that piece by Jessica Watson. I hope you'll 507 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:28,360 Speaker 1: remember it and read it and listen to it again 508 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 1: and again. The Stone by Jessica Watson. And the last 509 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 1: thing I'll leave you with is this understanding that the 510 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 1: stone doesn't get smaller, but you get bigger, you get stronger, 511 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,880 Speaker 1: and that makes it feel smaller. The real path to 512 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:47,400 Speaker 1: healing is becoming the best version of yourself. When you 513 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,600 Speaker 1: become the best version of yourself, the parts of yourself 514 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:55,920 Speaker 1: that are affected by that weakness and weight start to 515 00:31:55,960 --> 00:32:01,040 Speaker 1: become lighter and brighter and easier. Thank you so much 516 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: for listening to on Purpose. I hope you'll share this 517 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,280 Speaker 1: with a friend. I hope you'll pass it along to 518 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,400 Speaker 1: someone in your life who's struggling with any type of grief. 519 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,400 Speaker 1: And I hope that this has benefited you deeply and 520 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,080 Speaker 1: I'm saving you so much love. Thank you for listening. 521 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: See you soon. If you love this episode, you're going 522 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to 523 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,520 Speaker 1: get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. 524 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:30,920 Speaker 2: People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion 525 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 2: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to 526 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,160 Speaker 2: your future self is doing something that gives him or 527 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 2: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.