Speaker 1: All right, we're back I do part two. This is
Speaker 1: mister Wright and I'm joined once again by Luise. We
Speaker 1: had so much fun last time talking about all the
Speaker 1: questions and comments from listeners. I think we ran out
Speaker 1: a time, we had so many. So we want to
Speaker 1: continue this and get right back into it. And of
Speaker 1: course we have producer Heather who is our referee, keeping
Speaker 1: us on time and on topic.
Speaker 2: Yes, so let's dive into this is a good one.
Speaker 2: Mister right, We'll start with you. Should you talk about
Speaker 2: your previous marriage in early dates when meeting somebody new?
Speaker 3: You know, we're going to do away with the clock
Speaker 3: in this episode. I'm going to give you some.
Speaker 4: Over give me Louise under two minutes because you know.
Speaker 3: Okay, I promise, but go ahead take it away.
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on talking about your previous marriage
Speaker 2: when first meeting someone new?
Speaker 3: Should you do it?
Speaker 1: Okay, it's the elephant in the room. I think you
Speaker 1: have to. I think you have to get it out
Speaker 1: of the way. I think you have to address it.
Speaker 1: I don't think you have to just dote on it.
Speaker 1: I don't think it has to be the main topic,
Speaker 1: on and on and on and on. You know, I personally,
Speaker 1: I want to know what happened. I mean, if somebody,
Speaker 1: especially if I think somebody's attractive and they're you know,
Speaker 1: they're energetic, and they're all the things that I'm looking for.
Speaker 1: The first question I'm going to have is what did
Speaker 1: the other person in their life not like about them?
Speaker 1: And so I think that that there has to be
Speaker 1: an addressing of what what happened in the previous relationship
Speaker 1: and you know why it ended the way it did.
Speaker 1: But I don't think that you have to sit there
Speaker 1: and commiserate about how bad the X was or commiserate
Speaker 1: about you know what, you know, how terrible the divorce was.
Speaker 1: I think you address it and you're able to move
Speaker 1: on and use it as a reference point, but you
Speaker 1: can't ignore it.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well that's good, Louise. Before we get to you,
Speaker 2: I want to ask mister Wright one follow up on
Speaker 2: that somebody says the reason why their marriage ended in divorce?
Speaker 2: What reason if you hear it is giving you pause
Speaker 2: as to if you should go on another date with
Speaker 2: this person.
Speaker 1: There could be a ton of reasons why, you know,
Speaker 1: a divorce ended, and things that would give me red flags.
Speaker 1: You know, if that person isn't being really specific if
Speaker 1: they're just saying, ah, you know, it just wasn't working out,
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna be like, well, why why wasn't it
Speaker 1: working out? Because usually there's a pretty simple answer along
Speaker 1: the way, and you know, people can fall out of love.
Speaker 4: People can you.
Speaker 1: Know, have you know, these very very kind of neutral things,
Speaker 1: or they can be dramatic things.
Speaker 4: He cheated, she cheated.
Speaker 1: You know, there was money issues, there was alcohol issues,
Speaker 1: there was drug abuse issues, there was physical abuse issues.
Speaker 1: So I think that you know, obviously those big ones
Speaker 1: are massive red flags, but there's also a lot of
Speaker 1: ways that people just grow differently and and so I
Speaker 1: think that's a natural thing as well.
Speaker 2: Okay, Louise, tell me, when dating, should you bring up
Speaker 2: your previous marriage?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Or no?
Speaker 3: Dating somebody new.
Speaker 5: I don't think it's a straight rule.
Speaker 6: I think topics just come up organically when you're on
Speaker 6: a date and if it feels right. I would definitely
Speaker 6: be weary on the first date of somebody just dumping
Speaker 6: stuff if organically it didn't happen. I just feel like
Speaker 6: everything is different in every connection and situation and commonality
Speaker 6: or whatever comes up. So it's just really situation by situation.
Speaker 6: But I think early on it's important to know why
Speaker 6: a significant relationship fell apart because it could be something
Speaker 6: that is like a red button issue for you, and
Speaker 6: I would rather know that earlier than getting more invested
Speaker 6: in the person and then kind of having that knowledge
Speaker 6: come to light afterwards.
Speaker 1: I want to add one thing to this, though, there's
Speaker 1: also something to be said when it's taking over the conversation.
Speaker 1: And I have met people and their divorce, whether it
Speaker 1: was recent or a long time ago, whatever it was,
Speaker 1: is still occupying every moment and every piece of their energy,
Speaker 1: and all they want to do is talk about their
Speaker 1: marriage and their divorce and how terrible the person wasn't gone,
Speaker 1: and on and on and on. And I just look
Speaker 1: at that and say, well, you're not over it yet.
Speaker 1: You are still involved in this relationship, whether you know
Speaker 1: it's worked out or not, it has still consumed you,
Speaker 1: and that person isn't ready to move forward. And so
Speaker 1: I think that's that's also a red flag, as if
Speaker 1: you cannot stop talking about your previous relationship.
Speaker 3: Well, let me ask you both this.
Speaker 2: You're on a first date with somebody and you find
Speaker 2: out in conversation that they're not divorced once, they're not
Speaker 2: divorced twice. They've actually been divorced three times. Oh, Louise
Speaker 2: is making a face. I want to know, if you
Speaker 2: hear somebody's been divorced two plus times on a first date,
Speaker 2: are you hearing them out or are you all of
Speaker 2: a sudden like, yeah, I'm checking out of this date.
Speaker 6: Now kind of neither. I think that first of all,
Speaker 6: it shows me they can be in a relationship, which
Speaker 6: I appreciate, and that they can make a commitment, which
Speaker 6: I appreciate. I think a lot of times it has
Speaker 6: to do with the reasons for divorce. I mean, somebody
Speaker 6: could get married the first time and they're not best
Speaker 6: friends and it just organically falls apart, and then number
Speaker 6: two hasband Number two you could love, and then he
Speaker 6: cheats on you. So I'm not going to make a
Speaker 6: judgment there either. I think it's just everything is unique,
Speaker 6: and as you get older, you give grace on different situations.
Speaker 6: I think for me, the most important thing to mister
Speaker 6: Wright's point is if somebody is just sitting on a
Speaker 6: date and they're going on and on and on about
Speaker 6: their ex husband or their ex you know whatever, boyfriend,
Speaker 6: or whatever. I don't have time for that because they're
Speaker 6: not over it, and I'm not going to get involved
Speaker 6: with somebody who stills looking in the rear view mirror.
Speaker 2: Mister Wright, what do you think if somebody's on a
Speaker 2: first date with you and they say that they've been
Speaker 2: divorced three times?
Speaker 1: I think I think at that point it's probably a
Speaker 1: commitment issue.
Speaker 4: And you know, relationships are hard. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 4: they are hard.
Speaker 1: But if you've called it quits three times and there
Speaker 1: hasn't been some extenuating circumstances like a cheating or the
Speaker 1: things I talk about, the big ones, alcohol, drug abuse,
Speaker 1: physical abuse, you know, money issues.
Speaker 4: If it's just it.
Speaker 1: Didn't work out three times, then that person didn't take
Speaker 1: enough time learning going in and didn't give enough commitment
Speaker 1: staying in.
Speaker 3: So your red flags are going up.
Speaker 2: If somebody says to you on a first date, I've
Speaker 2: been divorced three times.
Speaker 5: Well, it depends on the circumstances, it.
Speaker 1: Does, but I think generally, if somewhere to say I've
Speaker 1: been divorced three times, I'm definitely curious about those reasons.
Speaker 4: You know that.
Speaker 1: Three times, you know, for me once, for me twice,
Speaker 1: so I think that three times would be would be
Speaker 1: a hard.
Speaker 4: Thing to get over.
Speaker 6: I do think they say that if you've been divorced
Speaker 6: once and you get married a second time, it's easier
Speaker 6: to get divorced a second time because you've seen that
Speaker 6: you can survive it.
Speaker 5: So for me, you almost take it that much more.
Speaker 2: So if you're not even easier, it's it's more likely second. Statistically,
Speaker 2: statistically more marriage second marriages end in divorce because yes,
Speaker 2: it's not necessarily that it's easier, but you've already gone
Speaker 2: through it before, so you know what to expect, and
Speaker 2: that's why second marriages often and in divorce.
Speaker 5: Yes, right, yeah, proceed with caution.
Speaker 6: If you're willing to make that commitment again, you have
Speaker 6: to really feel that it's going to be solid.
Speaker 2: To me, not that anybody's asking, but it sounds like
Speaker 2: quite a bit of paperwork and stress to go through
Speaker 2: a divorce. To have gone through it three times, you know,
Speaker 2: and still back out there dating again, would definitely I
Speaker 2: think give pause because it would also if I were
Speaker 2: on the receiving end of that, it would make me
Speaker 2: wonder why are they so gung ho to date? It
Speaker 2: sounds like they're needing some sort of support if they've
Speaker 2: been through this three times already, which we all know
Speaker 2: on this zoom that divorce is not cheap. It would
Speaker 2: be to me, what's the motive, what's the reasoning for
Speaker 2: getting back out there again? Because you could date with
Speaker 2: no expectation of marriage, but it seems like marriage is
Speaker 2: the expectation for somebody that's been divorced three times.
Speaker 6: Right, But first of all, there's ways to get married
Speaker 6: a second time. Right. You don't have to share money,
Speaker 6: and you're probably not going to share kids if you're older.
Speaker 6: Or there's many people in my life where she wears
Speaker 6: a ring and they live together but they're not legally married.
Speaker 6: And then there's just a lot of you know, there's
Speaker 6: different ways to do a long term committed relationship, especially
Speaker 6: as you get older. Heather, we got to get you
Speaker 6: feeling more positive about relationships. So we're gonna have a
Speaker 6: sidebar on this because I'm like hearing you say now
Speaker 6: this version of it, like we're going to do some
Speaker 6: work here.
Speaker 2: Okay, So Louise, let's take this one to you. When
Speaker 2: you're dating someone's curiously, how many mistakes do they get?
Speaker 2: How long till you are fully out. And let's say
Speaker 2: mistakes are things like not texting back for a few days,
Speaker 2: or prioritizing other things over the relationship, whether that's buddy
Speaker 2: buddy time, not kids, not work, but like things that
Speaker 2: are a choice, whether that's going golfing versus hanging out
Speaker 2: with you, or maybe forgetting important things, whether that's dates
Speaker 2: or something that you ask them to attend. So how
Speaker 2: many mistakes do you let somebody have before you're out
Speaker 2: when you're dating somebody new.
Speaker 6: Look, I don't look at a lot of small things
Speaker 6: as mistakes, right, Like, I think we have to be flexible.
Speaker 5: We all have a lot going on.
Speaker 6: But I think there's a degree of respect and accountability
Speaker 6: and clarity and transparency in a relationship. So for me,
Speaker 6: you know, if somebody is forgetting to show up somewhere,
Speaker 6: he's just not that into me, right or it's just
Speaker 6: not that important. If he is, you know, not you know,
Speaker 6: dotting his eyes and crossing his t's on certain things,
Speaker 6: then it depends on what it is.
Speaker 5: Right. So it's just again, as.
Speaker 6: You get older, it's there's not it's not like the
Speaker 6: rules like back in the in the day, there were
Speaker 6: there were rules.
Speaker 5: I think It's just it's.
Speaker 6: Just different and everybody has different triggering kind of points
Speaker 6: that upset them versus don't upset them.
Speaker 5: So for me, it just depends on the situation.
Speaker 6: Now, I have some big red you know, big issues
Speaker 6: that are like there's no looking back. It's the big
Speaker 6: ones cheating on me, period, awful, you know, being disrespectful
Speaker 6: to my family and friends and children.
Speaker 5: That to me just shows you.
Speaker 6: I don't like when people are rude to to waitresses
Speaker 6: and leaders and help staff. That shows me who they are.
Speaker 6: Different things like that I pay close attention to.
Speaker 2: Okay, same question for you, mister right what kind of
Speaker 2: mistakes do you maybe see or would you allow? And
Speaker 2: which mistakes would you say too many? Miss Now I've
Speaker 2: got to go this is this is not for me.
Speaker 4: Well, first of.
Speaker 1: All, if you have been you know, intentional and communicating
Speaker 1: and you kind of know what the expectations and boundaries are,
Speaker 1: then I think there's very little room for for for
Speaker 1: mistakes in my personal opinion, if you know, things like
Speaker 1: communication super important, super easy to do too, responding to
Speaker 1: text super easy. Ghosting somebody even for a couple of
Speaker 1: days is.
Speaker 4: I think in my world.
Speaker 1: So it's like it's it's not that it's inexcusable, but
Speaker 1: it just shows that that person just doesn't really care
Speaker 1: that much, you know, repeatedly canceling on things or not
Speaker 1: showing up, you know, I think is basically, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's just a show a sign that to use Louise's line,
Speaker 1: she's just not dead into you. And so I mean,
Speaker 1: if someone's doing the big issues of course, cheating or
Speaker 1: you know, lying or whatever else, that that's that's not
Speaker 1: gonna that's not gonna fly. But I think that if
Speaker 1: that person is showing continued disrespect of the boundaries that
Speaker 1: you've created again back to communication, showing up when you're
Speaker 1: supposed to, all those kind of little things, if there
Speaker 1: is a pattern that you're going outside of that, then
Speaker 1: I think you're I think basically the diet is cast
Speaker 1: and you know where you stand.
Speaker 2: Okay, mister Wright, we'll start with you. Who do you
Speaker 2: turn to for relationship advice?
Speaker 1: So this is an interesting one. I mean, usually I
Speaker 1: would say it's the guys. I looked as much to
Speaker 1: my girlfriends, to my sisters, to my nieces as I
Speaker 1: do to my guys now, And I don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: it's just you know, an age thing or a more
Speaker 1: maturity thing. But I'm you know, I commiserate with my guys,
Speaker 1: I guess, but I'm probably looking for more advice from
Speaker 1: the women in my life. And I'm lucky to have
Speaker 1: super strong women that aren't afraid to tell me, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe sometimes what I don't want to hear, but they
Speaker 1: give me good advice. And I think it's a lot
Speaker 1: more effective to get advice from the opposite sex when
Speaker 1: talking about relationships than it is going and talking to,
Speaker 1: you know, my buddies that just want to, you know,
Speaker 1: make you feel the good.
Speaker 3: Louise, you agree, tell me about that.
Speaker 5: I agree.
Speaker 6: And this is why I think this episode is actually
Speaker 6: really interesting because I would listen to podcasts like this,
Speaker 6: and I do hearing the male's perspective, it's really important
Speaker 6: in terms of helping our side to navigate and to
Speaker 6: understand and to kind of read the coding and the messages.
Speaker 5: So I have a guy best friend.
Speaker 6: There has been zero romantic sexual interest for us since
Speaker 6: the nineties, and literally we FaceTime in the morning and
Speaker 6: we just kind of hammer it all out.
Speaker 5: And I agree with mister Wright.
Speaker 6: I think opposite sex advice is so valuable.
Speaker 3: Okay, I like this that we're agreeing on a topic.
Speaker 4: It's surprising, a little surprising.
Speaker 5: I think we've agreed on a lot.
Speaker 2: So Louise, let's start with this one for you. Is
Speaker 2: casual dating actually casual? And what about casual sex? Can
Speaker 2: it ever be casual? Let's not just say just for you,
Speaker 2: just in general? What do you think for men and women?
Speaker 6: I think it has to For me, it depends on
Speaker 6: the age. I mean, I'm not a casual dater. I
Speaker 6: want to I'm intentional about finding a partner, So something
Speaker 6: that's casual feels like it's kind of lukewarm, neither here
Speaker 6: nor there. So for me, that's definitely not a person
Speaker 6: that I'm probably sleeping with And I'm just going to
Speaker 6: put that to rest because I don't feel a romantic
Speaker 6: connection and keep looking.
Speaker 2: But in general, knowing other women, knowing other single men,
Speaker 2: do you think that casual dating is real and attainable?
Speaker 2: Do you think casual sex is real and attainable?
Speaker 3: Sure you do? Okay, great, mister Wright, same question for you.
Speaker 2: Tell me what you think about when it comes to
Speaker 2: casual dating or casual sex.
Speaker 1: So I think that in this kind of chapter two
Speaker 1: so you know, post divorce. As long as both people
Speaker 1: know exactly what it is they're getting themselves into, I
Speaker 1: think casual dating or casual sex is totally can be
Speaker 1: totally agreeable. The only time that it doesn't work is
Speaker 1: when one person doesn't realize that it's casual. When one
Speaker 1: person doesn't realize that actually, this doesn't mean anything or
Speaker 1: isn't going anywhere.
Speaker 5: Or catches feelings.
Speaker 1: Yes, or catches feelings along the way and doesn't explain
Speaker 1: that because you know, it might be that you know,
Speaker 1: you have a you know, a vacation coming up, and
Speaker 1: you know this person and you you know, you have
Speaker 1: sort of feelings for each other, but it's not serious,
Speaker 1: and so you go on a trip together, but maybe
Speaker 1: you're not calling on the Tuesday when you get back,
Speaker 1: and if one person's expecting that call, wondering why they'ren't
Speaker 1: you know, why this the next date isn't you know,
Speaker 1: isn't scheduled, that's when casual dating or casual sex can
Speaker 1: get really really complicated and destroy what could be a
Speaker 1: nice friendship or relationship. But I think as long as
Speaker 1: both people know what they're getting themselves into and are
Speaker 1: kind of aware of what the parameters are. Then I think,
Speaker 1: you know, I think that's totally fine, and I think
Speaker 1: it's it is casual. It is you know, it's because
Speaker 1: two people are kind of looking for the same thing.
Speaker 1: They're looking for someone to spend time with. I'mone to
Speaker 1: have fun with, but maybe not build their life with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's you said something interesting there in the sense
Speaker 2: of you made a comment about going on a trip.
Speaker 2: Let's define what we each think is of casual. Because
Speaker 2: when I think casual dating, I'm not thinking going on
Speaker 2: a trip.
Speaker 3: To me, going on a trip is serious.
Speaker 2: I'm not spending money and I'm not going a distance
Speaker 2: with somebody for something casual.
Speaker 3: If it's casual, that.
Speaker 2: Means I'm also probably not going to fancy dinners with
Speaker 2: that person. Right, the investment is low, the level of
Speaker 2: energy is low. If it's casual, what I would interpret
Speaker 2: is casual as a single woman would be drinks. And
Speaker 2: if it is leading to casual intimacy, we have to
Speaker 2: keep verbalizing out loud that this is casual. There can't
Speaker 2: be any telepathic communication going on. It needs to actually
Speaker 2: keep being said that this is fun, this is a hangout.
Speaker 2: And if I'm in chapter two, it means I'm not
Speaker 2: meeting your kids. It means you're not meeting my kids.
Speaker 2: There's no chance of that kind of happening. I'm not
Speaker 2: meeting your ex, I'm not talking to your ex. I'm
Speaker 2: probably not meeting your coworkers or your friends. You're not
Speaker 2: meeting my friends. Those to me, are levels of intimacy.
Speaker 2: When you start to bring somebody into your inner circle,
Speaker 2: that makes it not casual.
Speaker 3: Do you guys agree? Disagree? What do you think about that?
Speaker 6: When you're introducing this person in a meaningful way to
Speaker 6: important people in your life, like your kids, then it's
Speaker 6: not casual. A guy going out with you because your
Speaker 6: friends are all out one night and you're just hanging
Speaker 6: out with a guy, going to bring him into a
Speaker 6: fun night out that can be more casual. You need
Speaker 6: to have full transparency, and I think somewhere along the way,
Speaker 6: typically somebody catches more feelings than the other person, and
Speaker 6: that's when it gets diicy to go on a trip.
Speaker 6: For me with a guy, it means that we're sleeping
Speaker 6: together and you're waking up with that person and you're
Speaker 6: it's different. There's a different level of intimacy. So for me,
Speaker 6: that's not casual, and I would be pretty bummed if
Speaker 6: I went on a trip with somebody and he didn't
Speaker 6: call me the next day.
Speaker 2: I agree, and it's even. It would also be like,
Speaker 2: say he's going on a work trip and he has
Speaker 2: a hotel room being paid for by the company, and
Speaker 2: he says, come along, you can hang out, But that's
Speaker 2: still a trip, even if his company is paying for
Speaker 2: it and he's inviting you. That's you going distance, that's
Speaker 2: you putting time. I think that there's a difference between
Speaker 2: boyfriend treatment and.
Speaker 3: Ual dating.
Speaker 2: I do not do certain things with a man if
Speaker 2: he is not my boyfriend.
Speaker 6: Are you saying you or are you saying in general me, Well,
Speaker 6: you're a different You're in a different You're almost a
Speaker 6: different I mean, for me at least a different generation,
Speaker 6: right sure.
Speaker 2: But I'm also I'm not in my twenties, and I'm
Speaker 2: if I'm dating somebody at this age, there's a very
Speaker 2: high probability that he's in his chapter two at the
Speaker 2: age range that I'm dating. So I'm just saying, like
Speaker 2: in general, when we're talking casual, that's how I would
Speaker 2: define casual as like, casual means low effort, low level
Speaker 2: of money, being paid, low level of interaction of different
Speaker 2: parts of my life.
Speaker 3: That would be what casual is what I define it as.
Speaker 6: I think people want different things at different chapters. I
Speaker 6: have friends that are, you know, brand new divorced, and
Speaker 6: they want thirty one flour right, and they're just going
Speaker 6: to go out and you know, different night, you know,
Speaker 6: meet a different guy.
Speaker 5: Doesn't mean they're.
Speaker 6: Necessarily going to sleep with them, but then they get
Speaker 6: tired of it. But I just think it depends that
Speaker 6: the you know, kind of where you are and at
Speaker 6: what point, like did you just break up with somebody,
Speaker 6: do you just want to you know, have you been dating?
Speaker 5: Are you tired?
Speaker 6: Did you take a hiatus and now you're really there
Speaker 6: intentionally looking for your partner. It's not a one size
Speaker 6: fits all rule that applies, in my opinion, but transparency
Speaker 6: is the most important thing.
Speaker 5: Like and you could tell if the guy likes you
Speaker 5: or doesn't like you. I mean, you can read.
Speaker 4: A room well.
Speaker 1: I think you guys should include trips like weekend trips
Speaker 1: whatever in part of that casual because that that I mean,
Speaker 1: I think that's that's a big part of casual dating
Speaker 1: or casual relationships. I think is more than just drinks it,
Speaker 1: you know, and you know, not meeting face. I think
Speaker 1: trips are part of it.
Speaker 4: I think, I think then.
Speaker 1: And you know, if you're going somewhere where you're both
Speaker 1: want to have fun, you you're both single, you both
Speaker 1: want to go and go to a beach vacation or
Speaker 1: go to a skiing vacation, whatever else, you can keep
Speaker 1: that casual as well, in my opinion, And again, as
Speaker 1: long as both people understand what the rules are and
Speaker 1: one you know, they don't, no one's surprised or hurt
Speaker 1: or get feelings stomped on because it isn't actually progressing
Speaker 1: anywhere else. I think I think trips could be included
Speaker 1: in that casual dating.
Speaker 6: Okay, interesting, I actually think that that's more of a
Speaker 6: guy perspective than in my opinion. But maybe you've met
Speaker 6: different people, mister Wright, who are willing to pack and
Speaker 6: go and have a great trip and you know, have
Speaker 6: a wild time and are okay not getting a phone
Speaker 6: call the next day, I would feel pretty shy about it.
Speaker 6: Is it?
Speaker 3: Also?
Speaker 2: I mean from a man's perspective, is that a way
Speaker 2: of showing interest and showing a love language, you know,
Speaker 2: like gift giving is a love language, right, would some
Speaker 2: man if his love language is giving gifts saying I
Speaker 2: planned a weekend trip, would you like to come as
Speaker 2: a way of expressing his love language?
Speaker 3: Do you think?
Speaker 4: I mean?
Speaker 1: It can be, but it could also just be. Hey, listen,
Speaker 1: we're both single, we both like the beach, we both
Speaker 1: would you like to go to a spa weekend?
Speaker 4: Could you know? Whatever it is?
Speaker 1: And you both want a partner to do that with,
Speaker 1: maybe not looking to get married or spend the rest
Speaker 1: of your life with them, but you want to have
Speaker 1: an adventure, You want to have an experience, and you
Speaker 1: want to do it with somebody that you're attracted to
Speaker 1: to some degree. And I think that you know, trips
Speaker 1: are a great way to express that, and also you know, heck,
Speaker 1: it's a great way to fast track whether or not
Speaker 1: maybe you do want to take it to the next level.
Speaker 6: Well, it can change from casual to serious and a
Speaker 6: trip can help do that, for sure.
Speaker 3: It can. But that's only if that's what the intention is, right,
Speaker 3: But you.
Speaker 6: Don't have to spell out the intention, right, Like if
Speaker 6: you're willing to go on a trip with somebody because
Speaker 6: you have you're interested in.
Speaker 2: A But mister Wright is saying just to view it
Speaker 2: as casual and just like away, and you're saying, I
Speaker 2: only go on trips unless I'm getting serious. I mean,
Speaker 2: you'd have to you'd have to verbalize. That's where we're
Speaker 2: talking about the crossing of men and women. Is He's
Speaker 2: literally saying it's a casual thing. It's just you two
Speaker 2: being single, and you're saying, I'm only going on a
Speaker 2: trip with you if we're committed and or if we're
Speaker 2: leaning towards committed.
Speaker 6: I didn't say committed, I said but that they're I mean,
Speaker 6: for me, going on a trip with somebody is not
Speaker 6: as casual as for example, even of sleepover right and
Speaker 6: waking up and you know.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not trying to compare it, but I'm saying
Speaker 1: you can have these casual adventures. And in chapter two,
Speaker 1: like you know, if I you know, if I want
Speaker 1: to go and have an adventure with something, I want
Speaker 1: to go against skiing, go to the beach, or you know,
Speaker 1: go to Vegas or go to a concert, or have
Speaker 1: some adventure and do it with somebody I'm not necessarily
Speaker 1: commit to. I would you know, I would want to,
Speaker 1: you know, I would feel totally easy asking somebody that
Speaker 1: I'm casually dating or whatever else to do that with me,
Speaker 1: and hopefully they would also see it as not just
Speaker 1: like we're we're building a relationship together, but we're going
Speaker 1: and doing something fun and having an adventure. Now if
Speaker 1: a byproduct of that is that you get closer, that's
Speaker 1: all the better.
Speaker 2: I would fully misconstrue that if a guy asked me
Speaker 2: to go on a trip, I would most likely And
Speaker 2: it also depends, I guess on how long I've been
Speaker 2: seeing him. If I've gone on two dates with him
Speaker 2: and he says, let's go do a weekend in you know,
Speaker 2: a beach get away, then I'd be like, okay, maybe
Speaker 2: like we're he just wants to have fun or something.
Speaker 3: But if I've been seeing him for a month and
Speaker 3: he wants.
Speaker 2: To go do a beach get away, it's what the
Speaker 2: trip is to Like, if we're saying let's let's do
Speaker 2: let's do a get away to my sister's wedding, Okay,
Speaker 2: that's something different.
Speaker 1: But if you're saying let's go, let's go and you
Speaker 1: see a concert in Vegas for the night, I think
Speaker 1: everybody kind of has as a good idea of what
Speaker 1: that what that is, at least that's my opinion.
Speaker 6: Okay, have you had success, mister Wright, ever doing that
Speaker 6: in the time that you've been divorced.
Speaker 4: No, I mean I haven't.
Speaker 1: I haven't casually dated really, you know, I've I've dated,
Speaker 1: but dated with intention.
Speaker 4: So I but I.
Speaker 1: Do know, like a lot of my friends that you know,
Speaker 1: they have they have busy schedules, and they have certain
Speaker 1: weekends off and they don't have a significant person, they'll
Speaker 1: take They'll find a date to go and say, listen,
Speaker 1: and I want to go to you know, just to
Speaker 1: Mexico for for a long weekend. Come, you know, come
Speaker 1: with me. I want to go and go skiing for
Speaker 1: you know, for a weekend. Do you want to come
Speaker 1: with me? And I think everybody kind of knows the
Speaker 1: you know, they're they're going and doing something together. They're
Speaker 1: having they're having an adventure, they're having experience. They're doing
Speaker 1: it with somebody they're obviously somewhat attracted to, or even
Speaker 1: really attracted to, but maybe they're not just you know,
Speaker 1: five steps down the aisle towards marriage. But they're just
Speaker 1: again having a fun weekend, which you're allowed to do.
Speaker 1: I think I think that's as long as both people
Speaker 1: are bought in.
Speaker 6: Absolutely, but you would if you're gonna go do that,
Speaker 6: then you've dated a little bit and you're having fun.
Speaker 6: And the hope is is that it will morph into
Speaker 6: something more serious. Like I don't know many of my
Speaker 6: friends or girls that would just be like, yeah, this
Speaker 6: is casual. I'm just gonna go on a trip and
Speaker 6: we're going to do this and doesn't matter if I
Speaker 6: hear from him after and I don't know.
Speaker 5: I mean, Heather, what do you think.
Speaker 2: My whole thing is? If it's casual, it's a low
Speaker 2: dollar amount, it's a low time commitment. It's all the
Speaker 2: investment of it is because time is money.
Speaker 5: Well, low dollar amount meaning you're paying your way to
Speaker 5: get there.
Speaker 2: Right, I'm going on a trip. We're going to a
Speaker 2: concert in Vegas. That means I'm probably getting my hair done,
Speaker 2: my nail's done, I'm buying a new outfit. I'm maybe
Speaker 2: taking a Friday off of work, which means I'm not
Speaker 2: getting paid. I'm looking for somebody to watch my dog,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. It's like that's money investing.
Speaker 2: Even if he's buying the plane ticket and he's you know,
Speaker 2: paying for the room. I'm still investing in it in
Speaker 2: myself in a way that I maybe I'm also getting
Speaker 2: him a gift as a thank you, or I'm buying
Speaker 2: you know, our first dinner when we get there, because
Speaker 2: I'm not just gonna allow somebody to take me on
Speaker 2: a trip and not you know, put in for it
Speaker 2: in some capacity. So to me, that's a bigger commitment
Speaker 2: investment in time and money on my end for something
Speaker 2: that I I really could be up or down if
Speaker 2: this guy ends up, you know, calling me back or
Speaker 2: not after this trip, you know what I mean, I'd
Speaker 2: have to I'm not a betting person.
Speaker 3: If we're talking about Vegas.
Speaker 2: I need to be a little bit more of a
Speaker 2: sure thing in order to not get my hopes up.
Speaker 2: Because that's also what's happening. If somebody's taking me somewhere
Speaker 2: on a trip. I'm probably telling my girlfriends, Oh, he
Speaker 2: wants to do a little weekend getaway.
Speaker 3: It's a good sign.
Speaker 2: I think we start without casual, but you know what,
Speaker 2: I think he wants to spend more time with me,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And it's like if time
Speaker 2: is also precious in chapter two, right, time limited time
Speaker 2: away from kids and things like that, I want to
Speaker 2: spend it with somebody intentionally, I don't want to spend
Speaker 2: it with somebody that I'm like, I'm kind of iffy
Speaker 2: on Gorm exactly. That's what I'm reading. Unless it keeps
Speaker 2: getting verbalized, Hey, this is casual.
Speaker 3: I have an extra ticket to Vegas. Would you like
Speaker 3: to go? It's casual.
Speaker 2: It just has to keep being verbalized over and over
Speaker 2: again for it to actually be casual, because if it's not,
Speaker 2: my brain is doing all sorts of connecting dots and
Speaker 2: things and what's he saying with this? What's he not
Speaker 2: saying when he does this kind of thing? But I
Speaker 2: I I love to hear the man's perspective that you're like,
Speaker 2: it's just a trip. It's just like it's it's just
Speaker 2: it's it's just a weekend. I'm looking for somebody to
Speaker 2: have fun.
Speaker 6: With as you to go to Vegas to hear, you know,
Speaker 6: the Eagles coming, Just know that it's casual.
Speaker 3: Heather, exactly exactly.
Speaker 5: But I would go.
Speaker 6: I mean, Eagles was pretty incredible there at the Sphere,
Speaker 6: So I would say yes if I were you.
Speaker 2: I mean, this is all really really good intel though,
Speaker 2: mister Wright, is it ever good to date someone who's
Speaker 2: separated and not divorced yet.
Speaker 1: If someone just separated, there's always a chance that they're
Speaker 1: coming back and they're just testing the waters and they're
Speaker 1: just trying to feel out what life is like outside
Speaker 1: of the relationship. So I think I would be cautious,
Speaker 1: extremely cautious if.
Speaker 4: They're just saying, oh, we're separated.
Speaker 1: Oftentimes, both parties have different of the marriage, have different
Speaker 1: perspectives on what separated means. I mean, I hate to
Speaker 1: use the friends term, but you know, it was just
Speaker 1: a break. And I think that if the guy or
Speaker 1: the girl has a different understanding or a different interpretation
Speaker 1: of what separated means, we're just taking a break, we're
Speaker 1: gonna get together, we're working on things, We're going to
Speaker 1: get back together, or no, no, no, we're just waiting
Speaker 1: for the divorce to get finalized.
Speaker 4: I think you have to be super cautious.
Speaker 3: All right, Louise, tell us your perspective.
Speaker 6: So I was recently on a date a couple of
Speaker 6: weeks ago with a guy, and he is never going
Speaker 6: to get divorced because she's sick and does not want
Speaker 6: her to lose her medical you know, kind of benefits
Speaker 6: and I actually really appreciated it because normally, when I
Speaker 6: meet somebody and they're separated and not divorced, it does
Speaker 6: give me pause. Like mister Wright is saying, this was
Speaker 6: the one time where it actually showed me what his
Speaker 6: character was. And he wasn't for me, but it actually
Speaker 6: showed me what his character was. And the example he
Speaker 6: was obviously showing his son. But for the most part,
Speaker 6: I agree. But I also have friends they've been separated
Speaker 6: for you know, five, ten, fifteen years because quite fank,
Speaker 6: they don't want to separate the estate. It's just easier
Speaker 6: for the estate to stay together, and therefore they're clearly
Speaker 6: not married and they have long term relationships, but on
Speaker 6: paper they're still married and they're still filing joint tax returns.
Speaker 6: If somebody's newly separated, definitely proceed with caution.
Speaker 2: Good good intel. One more question for you guys. Louise
Speaker 2: will start with you. What do you think a man
Speaker 2: is looking for in his fifties versus his thirties? What
Speaker 2: do you think a woman is looking for in her
Speaker 2: fifties versus her thirties.
Speaker 3: Let's see if our answer is align.
Speaker 6: Are you asking specifically to a guy who's thirty didning
Speaker 6: a fifty year old woman, or just in general, what
Speaker 6: a thirty year old wants compared to what a fifty
Speaker 6: year old wants in general?
Speaker 2: What do you think a man in his fifties wants
Speaker 2: now that maybe he didn't want in his thirties.
Speaker 6: I think he wants a partner who he is best
Speaker 6: friends with. I think he wants somebody that he is
Speaker 6: really connected to physically, sexually, emotionally. I think he wants
Speaker 6: somebody that is aligned with him encore values. I think
Speaker 6: the stakes are higher. I think a thirty year old
Speaker 6: is looking for fun, doesn't necessarily know what is going
Speaker 6: to yet happen in life, where potentially you might need
Speaker 6: a little bit more in terms of stepping up to
Speaker 6: the plate. I think you haven't seen as much life
Speaker 6: at thirty as you've seen at fifty, so you might
Speaker 6: not be aware of what you.
Speaker 5: Would really need.
Speaker 3: And what do you think a woman wants in her
Speaker 3: fifties versus what she wants in her thirties.
Speaker 6: I think a woman in her thirties wants somebody who
Speaker 6: could be an incredible partner, Somebody who could raise children,
Speaker 6: who can be a great parent provider, Somebody who is
Speaker 6: a good person that you want to spend time with
Speaker 6: and hang out with.
Speaker 5: I think in.
Speaker 6: Your fifties the woman wants basically the same thing, but
Speaker 6: maybe a different version or iteration of it. But really
Speaker 6: a true partner in every sense of the word.
Speaker 2: Partner meaning contributes financially, does the invisible work at home.
Speaker 3: Like, what do you mean when you talk about partner?
Speaker 6: I mean I can speak for myself, right. I want
Speaker 6: somebody who I'm attracted to. I want to sleep next to.
Speaker 6: I want to cuddle with, I want to have sex with,
Speaker 6: I want to laugh with. I want to bring places
Speaker 6: in my life. You know, I don't need somebody to
Speaker 6: support me. I need somebody who can pay his own way.
Speaker 6: I'm not going to support somebody, but I can pay
Speaker 6: my own bills. Somebody who you know is a good
Speaker 6: human being, or God forbid the other shoe drops that
Speaker 6: I can count on him to be there supporting me
Speaker 6: and behind and somebody who I enjoy and want to
Speaker 6: laugh with and make coffee for, or just I'm looking
Speaker 6: for kind of what I didn't have in my marriage.
Speaker 6: I'm looking for a person that can know me intimately
Speaker 6: and be my home.
Speaker 2: For this next chapter, Okay, So financial stability, though in
Speaker 2: the fifties is probably more.
Speaker 6: I think it depends howether. I think it depends on
Speaker 6: so many factors. It's you know, I have friends that
Speaker 6: you know, completely rely on their partner to pay their bills.
Speaker 6: So if it's the if they're going to get rid
Speaker 6: of their monthly check from their ex husband, then they
Speaker 6: need to make sure that they're pivoting into somebody else
Speaker 6: who's going to, you know, basically support them. I have
Speaker 6: friends who earn their own money and that's not as important.
Speaker 6: I have friends who you know, got a lump sum
Speaker 6: of money, and it's not It just depends.
Speaker 5: It's not the same for anybody.
Speaker 3: But we still don't want to.
Speaker 2: What I mean is in our thirties, we could maybe
Speaker 2: not be caring about somebody's financial wellbeing, whether they have money,
Speaker 2: whether they can pay their bills or not.
Speaker 3: But when or in our fifties, you can't be broke.
Speaker 6: You can't be broken in your thirties, right, Like, if
Speaker 6: you're thinking about raising kids and building a life with somebody,
Speaker 6: somebody has to be able to generate an income, if
Speaker 6: not both people, right, sure, can't just you know, have
Speaker 6: two people just floundering and hoping for the best, and
Speaker 6: then bring children into the world right they need.
Speaker 2: Medical children is important to you at thirty. The cost
Speaker 2: of living could be lower in your thirties and you
Speaker 2: could maybe squeak by on, you know, one person picking
Speaker 2: up more of the slack. But in your fifties and
Speaker 2: maybe you are in chapter two and you do have kids.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying that the financial thing is maybe more
Speaker 2: of something that you look at at that age range
Speaker 2: than maybe you looked at when you were in your thirties.
Speaker 6: I think it depends on who you are. It's situation
Speaker 6: by situation. I have friends who will only date rich guys.
Speaker 2: But did they only date rich guys when they were
Speaker 2: in their thirties?
Speaker 5: Probably?
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, mister Wright, tell me about what you
Speaker 2: think men are looking for in their fifties versus when
Speaker 2: they were in their thirties, and the same thing for women.
Speaker 4: So I'm going to answer a little bit differently.
Speaker 1: So I think that both men and women in their
Speaker 1: thirties have a different worldview. They're looking at building their life,
Speaker 1: they're looking at adventure, they're looking at growing something, and
Speaker 1: they're looking for a partner to do that. With and
Speaker 1: you know, eating you know, rawmen out of a you know,
Speaker 1: off the stovetop. Is it sort of kind of a
Speaker 1: romantic thing still as you're bootstrapping your life together and
Speaker 1: building it together. Now, let's talk about in their fifties.
Speaker 1: And I think that women in their fifties, This is
Speaker 1: just my opinion. I think women in their fifties are
Speaker 1: looking much more for stability. I think they're looking for safety, security.
Speaker 1: They're still obviously adventure and all those sorts of things,
Speaker 1: but I think if you were to look at a
Speaker 1: pie chart, it would be heavier weighted towards a sense
Speaker 1: of security and stability. And I think guys in their
Speaker 1: fifties they're they're looking for that sense of stability, but
Speaker 1: they're also looking for probably, you know, to satisfy whatever
Speaker 1: it was they didn't find in their marriage.
Speaker 4: And I think that you know.
Speaker 1: That guys are probably less looking at in their fifties
Speaker 1: for a long term, committed marriage relationship than women in
Speaker 1: their fifties, and so I think there's a little bit
Speaker 1: of a disparate kind of outlook for that period. And
Speaker 1: I think that it merges again maybe as you get
Speaker 1: a little bit older.
Speaker 4: But I think that you know.
Speaker 1: In that fifties range, I do think that there is
Speaker 1: a different outlook that is more dramatic than in their thirties.
Speaker 1: I think thirties you're probably looking for sort of the
Speaker 1: same things, and that's why you see so many people
Speaker 1: get married when they're the thirties. In their late twenties
Speaker 1: and thirties, you're getting married, you're having kids, you're building
Speaker 1: a life together. Then you get into your fifties, and
Speaker 1: this is usually around the time when chapter two is
Speaker 1: are really prevalent. It's because they're looking for two different things.
Speaker 1: And I think women again are looking for a sense
Speaker 1: of stability and security, and I think guys are looking
Speaker 1: to to satisfy whatever it was they didn't get and
Speaker 1: they didn't see and they didn't achieve in their thirties
Speaker 1: and forties.
Speaker 4: Well, this is so fun.
Speaker 1: Thanks Heather for keeping us on topic and on time. Luis,
Speaker 1: You're amazing. Thank you for your perspectives, and obviously to
Speaker 1: all of the listeners that gave us riveting questions compelling
Speaker 1: comments that kept this podcast going right until the final moments.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much for listening. Louise over to.
Speaker 6: You to our listeners. If you are in chapter two.
Speaker 6: Whether you are enjoying it or not, you need help
Speaker 6: navigating it.
Speaker 5: You need different perspectives.
Speaker 6: Here we are at ID Part two in iHeartRadio podcast,
Speaker 6: where falling in love is the main objective. Send us
Speaker 6: an email, leave us a voicemail. All of the infos
Speaker 6: and the show notes. Follow us on socials.