1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,199 Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 12 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:42,959 Speaker 1: Healthy relationships involve good communication, but in order to have 13 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:47,479 Speaker 1: good communication, you have to know for yourself what it 14 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: is that you want. 15 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration, 16 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments 17 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from the episode, please leave us a 18 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,679 Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also, 19 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,759 Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe 20 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our 21 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:19,119 Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab. 22 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 23 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: women like you We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Bussard, a 24 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,600 Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist. 25 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 26 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 27 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 28 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 2: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space 29 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 2: where black women can just be. 30 00:01:55,640 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 3: Hey, lady's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast. 31 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 3: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get 32 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 3: feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective on a 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 3: situation you're facing? If so, visit cultivatinghirspace dot com and 34 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 3: click ask doctor dom under the start here option. Every Tuesday, 35 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 3: I'll choose a few questions and answer them at random. 36 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 3: Our quote of the day it is so liberating to 37 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:33,040 Speaker 3: really know what I want, what truly makes me happy, 38 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 3: what I will not tolerate. I have learned that it 39 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 3: is no one else's job to take care of me 40 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 3: but me. 41 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 1: That quote comes to us from Beyonce, and I'm gonna 42 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 1: read it one more time for the people in a 43 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:54,359 Speaker 1: back take a minute, and if you need to hit 44 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: rewind or hit pause, I'm gonna give it to you 45 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,520 Speaker 1: so you can make sure you catch this. It is 46 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: so liberating to really know what I want, what truly 47 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:14,640 Speaker 1: makes me happy, what I will not tolerate. I have 48 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: learned that it is no one else's job to take 49 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: care of me but me. Tea this quote right here. 50 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. What do you think? 51 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 2: Well? I love it. I think that it is definitely 52 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 2: the epitome of my vibe as a grown woman, like 53 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 2: as I've come into my womanhood. This is just something 54 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 2: that really resonates deeply, also being a self sufficient person 55 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 2: like one that really values self sufficiency. I think that 56 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 2: this is definitely all of it in my lane. I 57 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 2: love it. I think it's important for us to know 58 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 2: what we want. I think that it is also important 59 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: for us to know what makes us happy and also 60 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 2: what we can tell in life. Because once you know 61 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 2: those three things, that allows you to figure out, Okay, 62 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 2: what's for me, what's not for me? What relationship do 63 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 2: I need to leave? 64 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 1: You know what I mean? 65 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 2: What relationship should I pursue? Whether you know other people 66 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 2: think different, Like, it's just it's a very grounding statement. 67 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 2: I will say, what about you? 68 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:24,919 Speaker 1: I wholeheartedly agree like I think about. I was just 69 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: reading a couple of articles earlier today and one of 70 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: the things that they were talking about is about healthy relationships. 71 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: And you know the thing about healthy relationships, whether it's 72 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:45,159 Speaker 1: a relationship with a romantic partner or a relationship with 73 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:51,919 Speaker 1: friends or family, right, healthy relationships involve good communication. But 74 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: in order to have good communication, you have to know 75 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: for yourself what it is that you want, right. So 76 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: you you can't tell someone I don't like ice cream 77 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 1: if you, for yourself don't know that you don't like 78 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 1: ice cream, right, And you can't expect anyone else to 79 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: be a mind reader and know that you don't like 80 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: ice cream. 81 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:21,600 Speaker 2: Boom Dom. You've hit the nail on the head with that. 82 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 2: And what I would add that you made me think 83 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 2: about was the fact that the relationship with self is 84 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,640 Speaker 2: also included in this booth. You got to be in 85 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 2: relationship and in communion with yourself, and I think that's 86 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 2: so underrated. We're often talking about old relationship goals, vacation bagels, 87 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 2: but you have to be in relationship with yourself and 88 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,720 Speaker 2: ask those questions and be in communication with yourself. Yes, 89 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 2: we talk through ourselves over here, right, even if it's 90 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,039 Speaker 2: be a journaling, it's all good. And so I think 91 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,599 Speaker 2: it is really important to get those questions answered. So today, lady, 92 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 2: we're really excited because we are going to dive into 93 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 2: some of the ask doctor Dom questions. Now, if you 94 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 2: go to our website hespace podcast dot com. Every week, 95 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 2: Dom is answering questions from our listeners. And literally, if 96 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,239 Speaker 2: you go to our website, you can click on ask 97 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,839 Speaker 2: doctor Dom at the very top tab and submit your questions. Okay, 98 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 2: and doctor Dom be answered some questions, y'all. Sometimes questions 99 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 2: come through and I'm like, ooh, girl, this is juicy, Like, 100 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 2: let's talk about it. So today we're actually going to 101 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 2: read over some of those questions from listeners that have 102 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 2: submitted their questions and give us permission to share. A 103 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 2: lot of times they do change the names of the 104 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,360 Speaker 2: stories because this is real life stuff. Okay, So, lady, 105 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 2: thank you for submitting your questions, and I guess we 106 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 2: should just jump on in. 107 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: Yes, okay, so let's go with this first one. 108 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 2: Okay. 109 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:48,919 Speaker 1: So this listener has a situation that where she's not 110 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:55,600 Speaker 1: sure if she should let go or take a neutral stance, 111 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: and it goes like this, This is her story. I'm 112 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:05,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship and have been in it for eight 113 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: years with her significant other. They're in love, but there's 114 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: a huge elephant in the room, starting with his mother. 115 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 1: I know, I know. She says she had a situation 116 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: where she was moving into an apartment and his mom 117 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: owned rental properties and offered her to move into one 118 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: of those properties instead of paying the same amount of 119 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: rent to someone else right to a different property. I 120 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: mean right there that automatically I feel that there's something 121 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: big about to happen, right, Okay, So her partner's mom 122 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:59,680 Speaker 1: knew that the house didn't have a toilet or tough 123 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: oh man, and this listener stayed there for eleven months 124 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: and had to go take showers at her mom's house. 125 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: And then I guess after this eleven months passed, his 126 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: mom calls her and says she needs for her to 127 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: move out because she hasn't been paying rent. Now, according 128 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 1: to our listeners, she had been paying the mom two 129 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 1: hundred dollars a month for a house that had no 130 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: toilet nor a tub. So fast forward, she moves out. 131 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: Our listener moves out, and then she finds out that 132 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: the woman's grandson and his girlfriend move into that space. 133 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:56,199 Speaker 1: And when they move into that space, she fixed the bathroom. 134 00:08:56,240 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: So there's a toilet, there's a tub, and she's paying 135 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 1: utilities for them, so electricity and water. So that's that piece, right. 136 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 1: So we got one layer right, and then the next 137 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:17,079 Speaker 1: layer is that a couple of years ago, our listener 138 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: found out that she can't have kids because her fallopian 139 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 1: tubes are blocked, so that's causing some fertility concerns. Then 140 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: she learns that the grandson's girlfriend is pregnant. Now these 141 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: young people, this grandson and the girlfriend are eighteen years old. 142 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: And they moved into the house. She said, is that right? 143 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 1: So she's wondering is she wrong for being salty because 144 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:54,320 Speaker 1: she told her future mother in law that she was 145 00:09:54,360 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 1: having laparoscopic surgery to deal with her fertility and future 146 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: mother in law gave no response, But yet has been 147 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: very involved with her grandson's girlfriend. So she hasn't spoken 148 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: to her future mother in law in months. She wants 149 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,079 Speaker 1: to know from us, how do we handle this now? 150 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: Mind you, let me add to other piece that she 151 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,679 Speaker 1: is still involved, like she's still in a relationship. 152 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is okay, and this is her boyfriend one, 153 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 2: this is loaded. There's a lot here, I will say, lady, 154 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,160 Speaker 2: this is a lot to be dealing with. So sorry 155 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 2: that you've had to experience this. I just want to 156 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,800 Speaker 2: kind of think about before even offering advice, per se. 157 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 2: I just want to talk through some of the things 158 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 2: that stood out to me and just some general sort 159 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 2: of I want to say, best practices that I've learned 160 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 2: over the years. One, I think that when you are 161 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 2: working with family or friends and some type of professional capacity, 162 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,160 Speaker 2: so whether it's loaning money, whether it's you know them 163 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 2: staying with you or staying in one of your properties, 164 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,240 Speaker 2: or anything like that, that could potentially mess up a 165 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 2: relationship right if it goes sour. I think having a 166 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 2: contract or some type of written agreement is always key 167 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 2: because I personally I prefer not to even you know, 168 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 2: enter into any of these kinds of situations with people 169 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 2: that are close to me, because I don't want to 170 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 2: have that awkwardness of messing up a relationship because someone 171 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 2: didn't pay you on time or because someone acted funny. Right, 172 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,920 Speaker 2: So I personally would try not to even get into 173 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 2: any of these situations. Lady, I know that it's not 174 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 2: helpful when you're already in it. But I'm saying for 175 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 2: people that are listening that may be in a similar 176 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,079 Speaker 2: situation where they're like, oh, I might rent out this 177 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,840 Speaker 2: space to a friend or let them stay with me. 178 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,160 Speaker 2: Get a contract. Cause I've heard so many times where 179 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,720 Speaker 2: people will let someone come into their house and everything's great. 180 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,320 Speaker 2: They're like, oh, yeah, she's gonna stay for a month. 181 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, you're so great. We're going to talk 182 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 2: and hang out all night. And then you're at month 183 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,679 Speaker 2: six or month twelve and that person's still there, And 184 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 2: it's hard to set those boundaries when folks are already 185 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,439 Speaker 2: in your space. So as much as they may look 186 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 2: at you funny, as much as they may call you boogie, 187 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 2: whatever it might be, have a contract when family, or 188 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 2: you're doing any type of deal like this with family. 189 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 2: That's the first thing I'll say. Two. My personal best 190 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 2: practice is when dealing with what we'll call them in laws. 191 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 2: Even though it's not her husband, it's her boyfriend. When 192 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,600 Speaker 2: dealing with in laws, I personally believe that in most cases, 193 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,680 Speaker 2: of course this is case by case, right, but in 194 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 2: most cases I believe that the partner should deal with 195 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 2: their family because when you start confronting family members again, 196 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:35,439 Speaker 2: that can get your plan on being in a long 197 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 2: term relationship. That can make things sour. But usually a 198 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,720 Speaker 2: partner is able to move a little differently with their family, 199 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 2: so they might be able to approach that person about 200 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 2: some boundaries or about whatever it might be. Lady, everyone 201 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 2: has different situations. This is just my personal best practice 202 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 2: and what I've done in my life or what I've 203 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 2: learned from personal experience is you know, in this case, 204 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,959 Speaker 2: the boyfriend, he's gonna have to put on his big 205 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,480 Speaker 2: boy draws and he's gonna have to talk to his mama, 206 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,719 Speaker 2: because if he's allowing his mom to treat you in 207 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 2: a certain way, there is no precedent. No, he can't 208 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 2: control his mom, but at least letting her know this 209 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 2: is how I feel. This woman is important to me. 210 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,000 Speaker 2: You know, we're in a relationship. I value her. Letting 211 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,959 Speaker 2: her know like this is not cool. I think that's 212 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 2: that's also key. That's not necessarily advice, but just some 213 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 2: of the things that were top of mind for me 214 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,160 Speaker 2: as you read through this timb what about you? 215 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: I think that that's important, right that, Like, so the 216 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 1: key here is is that it's not about necessarily giving 217 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,439 Speaker 1: advice per se. And so I want to be clear 218 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: too that when I respond to folks who submit letters 219 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: for the to the talk back Tuesday and ask doctor Dom, 220 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: I do put out there that everyone's situation is unique, right, 221 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:59,720 Speaker 1: and that depending on what's presented, I may say, I 222 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: may stay to someone that you know you definitely need 223 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: to talk to a therapist about this right to address 224 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: this issue, because again I'm not that therapist, right, I'm 225 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,160 Speaker 1: not your licensed mental health provider in this situation. So 226 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:19,400 Speaker 1: I do think that that's important right to know that 227 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 1: this isn't meant to replace like having a relationship with 228 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 1: a therapist, but that also thinking about like remembering that 229 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:34,240 Speaker 1: the general tips that we give you have to take 230 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 1: it and really think about your own unique situation and 231 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: figure out is this really going to be right for me? 232 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 3: Right? 233 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 1: Because especially when we don't know all of the details, right, 234 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: like exactly in this situation, I don't know what the 235 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:57,680 Speaker 1: relationship is like between boyfriend and his mom, right, And 236 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: so I think it's that spot on when you say 237 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: that it's important to know your partner's relationship with their 238 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 1: family and to think about how is your partner someone 239 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,160 Speaker 1: who will advocate for you and stand up for you 240 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: when their family has been out of line or violated 241 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: one of your boundaries, Like is your partner someone who's 242 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: going to stand up for you or is the expectation 243 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: that you stand up for yourself to their family in 244 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 1: that moment. So it's about knowing those dynamics, right, So 245 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: I do think it is important to have a conversation 246 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: with your partner's family. The other thing that I do 247 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: think is also important to point out is that our 248 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: listener here was staying in a home for almost a 249 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 1: year that had no toilet and no tub. And the 250 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,200 Speaker 1: reality is that in any place that I can think of, 251 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,840 Speaker 1: any city in America that I can think of, there 252 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:06,360 Speaker 1: are housing laws around that. And so if this wasn't 253 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 1: a situation where she was staying with family or potential family, 254 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: she could go to the city housing authority and file complaints, 255 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 1: legal complaints, because if you're in a you are not 256 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: supposed to be renting out a place that doesn't have 257 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: the basics, that doesn't have a toilet or a tub. 258 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: And maybe it doesn't have a tub, maybe it has 259 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: a shower, but essentially you need a toilet, you need 260 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: a sink, you need someplace for you to bathe right 261 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: without those things I can't think of, And ladies that 262 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 1: are listening, if you know something different, please let us know. 263 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: But I'm not in housing authority, But one thing I 264 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: know is that's a that's a basic thing that you 265 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 1: need to have a home. That when I think about 266 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 1: apartment complexes that I've lived in that have been managed 267 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:10,439 Speaker 1: by like property management companies, that's something that they were 268 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 1: not having access. Like if your toilet stops working and 269 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: there's only one toilet in your place, that's considered a 270 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 1: maintenance emergency. So to me, I take that bit of 271 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,879 Speaker 1: information that I'm aware of and know that that also 272 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 1: means that in general, if you're leasing a place, it 273 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: should have the basics right. But I think that goes 274 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: back to what you were saying earlier around being in 275 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:47,959 Speaker 1: situations with friends or family. It sets you up to 276 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 1: potentially be taken advantage of, right. So there are things 277 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: that if there's not a contract there there are things 278 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,880 Speaker 1: that may be violations that may be occur, like housing 279 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:07,360 Speaker 1: violations that may be occurring that you can't do anything 280 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: about because you don't have a written leads or some 281 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:16,639 Speaker 1: type of formal contract, and so then that puts you 282 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 1: in a very precarious situation. And so, you know, I 283 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,520 Speaker 1: think about the question that she's overall asking us. She's 284 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 1: asking us about like how we feel about the situation, 285 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 1: and you know, I think the thing is is that 286 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 1: it's not necessarily about how you Terry or me doctor dom, 287 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: like how we feel about the situation per se. It's 288 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:47,640 Speaker 1: about steps that we could take that we would suggest 289 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 1: considering as you are figuring out how to navigate the 290 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 1: overall situation. 291 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,920 Speaker 2: That's a good point, don I would say that one 292 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 2: thing you mentioned this therapy couples counts. It might even 293 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 2: be helpful here because that way you and your partner 294 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:07,480 Speaker 2: can really talk about family dynamics and things of that nature. 295 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,399 Speaker 2: Because it's hard to, like you said, give advice. I 296 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 2: try to shy away from that as well, because there's 297 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,959 Speaker 2: so much context that we don't have, and so I 298 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,919 Speaker 2: know what I might do in a similar situation. But 299 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 2: I think couple's counseling would be really helpful. And then 300 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,359 Speaker 2: the other thing I wanted to say is she mentioned, like, 301 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 2: am I Saudi for feeling the type of way because 302 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 2: my mother in law didn't wish me good luck on 303 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,679 Speaker 2: the surgery. And if I think absolutely, I mean, if 304 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,359 Speaker 2: you're telling someone that you're having surgery and they're not 305 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,399 Speaker 2: empathetic and they act like they don't care, and then 306 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 2: you see them taking care of someone else that is pregnant, yeah, 307 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 2: I would definitely feel the type of way. And the 308 00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:41,520 Speaker 2: thing is depending on the relationship, is it something worth 309 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 2: even mentioning. I would recommend lady, if you're listening and 310 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 2: we're addressing your question here, I would recommend you take 311 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,680 Speaker 2: a look at some of our episodes on Mommy Issues. 312 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,120 Speaker 2: Even though this isn't your mother per se, you can 313 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 2: find some helpful tips in the Mommy Issues episodes. I 314 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,680 Speaker 2: think we have like two or three where you can 315 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 2: learn how to set expectations when a mother figure is 316 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 2: not showing up in the way that you'd hope that 317 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 2: they showed up. Those episodes right there that will probably 318 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 2: give you some real great insight on how to move 319 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 2: forward with this type of situation. But it sounds like 320 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,359 Speaker 2: you're already out of the house, and it sounds like 321 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:20,240 Speaker 2: there's just sort of some stagnant maybe energy based on 322 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 2: this negative interaction, and so I think those episodes will 323 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,199 Speaker 2: be helpful. We have another juicy question here, but I 324 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,920 Speaker 2: want to pass it over to you down before we 325 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 2: move on to that one. 326 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, So to add on to what you were saying, 327 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: the thing that I would also do is, you know, 328 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,600 Speaker 1: I can't emphasize enough like sometimes there is a need 329 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: to seek therapy, and I think getting the support that 330 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:47,640 Speaker 1: you need around your fertility issues is going to be 331 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: really important. Right, So whether that's through therapy, or that's 332 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: through your religious organization or if you have one, or 333 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 1: if or your friends, right, So identifying what's your support 334 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:10,920 Speaker 1: system through this process, because it does sound like your 335 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: partner's mom is not that person, right, And I could 336 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:21,000 Speaker 1: see where it is hurtful to witness that, right, because 337 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:25,160 Speaker 1: then it also may bring up questions around So if 338 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:30,679 Speaker 1: things continue to progress, if if my current partner is 339 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:35,639 Speaker 1: my forever person, how will his family show up for 340 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,960 Speaker 1: me when I'm in need? 341 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:38,119 Speaker 3: Right? 342 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: That's something to think about. Or do I even want 343 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 1: his family to show up for me in my time 344 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,840 Speaker 1: of need? Those are some questions to kind of ask 345 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: yourself as you're really trying to think about how to 346 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,480 Speaker 1: navigate this situation. 347 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,480 Speaker 2: Definitely a trick you on down, Definitely a trick you on. 348 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,680 Speaker 2: I'm looking at this next question and I'm just like, oh, child, 349 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,520 Speaker 2: this is a lady. This is a question. The listener said, 350 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,840 Speaker 2: we can use her name, but I feel a little 351 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,679 Speaker 2: weird lady using your name, so we're just gonna call 352 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,200 Speaker 2: you T even though my name is. 353 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,680 Speaker 1: I was gonna say, that's gonna get confusing. 354 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 2: Okay, that confusing. I was just looking at her name 355 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,760 Speaker 2: and I'm like, well, let's call her miss Jackson. All right, 356 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 2: all right, Macarr and Miss Jackson. Also, this question came 357 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,399 Speaker 2: along with some screenshots. Now, Dom, you may want to 358 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 2: pull up the screenshots of the text messages, and we 359 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,760 Speaker 2: don't got to read them word for word, but I 360 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,199 Speaker 2: know there was some disrespectful stuff in the screenshots. So 361 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 2: I'm gonna go ahead and read Miss Jackson's story and 362 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:37,640 Speaker 2: then you can just kind of give us a quick 363 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 2: synopsis on the wretchedness that went on and the messages. 364 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,879 Speaker 2: All Right, Okay, I may not get into character we got. 365 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,199 Speaker 2: We're gonna see how I feel. All right, Miss Jackson, 366 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 2: here is your story. I need some advice. I'm a 367 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 2: married woman with two children. My oldest has a different dad. 368 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 2: He's not always there and doesn't pay a dime for anything, 369 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 2: but I don't want to stop him from being a 370 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,959 Speaker 2: part of her life. Her dad will call him David. 371 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 2: His other baby mama or living girlfriend, is named Lisa. 372 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 2: Lisa and I used to get along a long long 373 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 2: time ago. A couple of years ago, I tried to 374 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,399 Speaker 2: file for child support. I was then threatened by Lisa 375 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 2: that I better not have anyone come to her house 376 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 2: to have him served, and said I had no right. Also, 377 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 2: she told me that I should have told her first 378 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 2: before I tried to have him serve. Well, he ended 379 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,679 Speaker 2: up dodging the papers and I gave up. Plus I 380 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 2: was over the drama. She was pregnant, and she also 381 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 2: had another son from a previous relationship. Now I come 382 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 2: from an extremely blended family. I know how important it 383 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:50,320 Speaker 2: is that everyone is involved in my daughter's life. David 384 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:53,639 Speaker 2: has never fully been there for our daughter. So recently, 385 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,399 Speaker 2: my daughter got a bad grade in school and the 386 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,880 Speaker 2: same day I found out that David was picking her 387 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:03,560 Speaker 2: up to take their son and Alisa's son and Lisa's 388 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,480 Speaker 2: son to Disneyland. I tried to tell him before they left, 389 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,359 Speaker 2: but he picked her up before I got home, So 390 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 2: I text him and tried to tell him that I 391 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 2: needed to talk to him about her behavior and her grade. 392 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,879 Speaker 2: I figured that he was driving because he didn't answer, 393 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,360 Speaker 2: so I text his girlfriend. I just wanted to see 394 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,480 Speaker 2: if she could relay the message. So I have attached 395 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:28,040 Speaker 2: a screenshot of the brief conversation. At this point, she 396 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,320 Speaker 2: has been downright disrespectful to me, and I'm starting to 397 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 2: not want her around my daughter. What should I do? 398 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,879 Speaker 2: I know that it takes a village to raise a child, 399 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 2: So how do I handle this situation? So we're going 400 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 2: to read over the screenshots. I don't want to put 401 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,520 Speaker 2: anyone on blast, so we're not adding any names in here. 402 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,119 Speaker 2: We're just going to call them X or child. We'll 403 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,920 Speaker 2: call ITCU. I don't want to put anyone's kid out there. 404 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,880 Speaker 2: But it says, hey, I needed David to know about 405 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 2: X's grades. She got a D on her report card? 406 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,000 Speaker 1: Okay, a phone? 407 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:06,800 Speaker 2: Okay? So Miss Jackson thumbs up. You know she liked 408 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 2: this comment, and she said, I know he has a phone, 409 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 2: but I figured he was driving. 410 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:16,439 Speaker 1: So wait till he is done. No point of texting me, lord? 411 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 2: Okay. So now Miss Jackson says, well, I figured since 412 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,920 Speaker 2: it's about her schooling it would be important to know. 413 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: But okay, when the last time I knew shit about 414 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: her fing schooling girl by wave hand emoji. 415 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,439 Speaker 2: And then miss Jackson put the okay emoji with the 416 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 2: thumbs up, goddamn and she got left on red. Okay, 417 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:42,680 Speaker 2: that's a lot. That's a lot. 418 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 1: That is a lot, And so you know, I think 419 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: unfortunately negative co parenting relationships happened, right, They're not uncommon. 420 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:04,639 Speaker 1: And I think the thing to think about is the child. 421 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 1: H A lot of times parents get focused on their feelings, 422 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 1: which makes sense because we're human, right, But then the 423 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,640 Speaker 1: child gets forgotten in all of this. I can't tell 424 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,560 Speaker 1: grown people how to feel. I can't tell anybody. Let 425 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,919 Speaker 1: me back up, I can't tell anybody how to feel 426 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:35,479 Speaker 1: grown child otherwise, right, But I think that that is 427 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: like the number one thing is to think about the child. 428 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:43,280 Speaker 1: And when you remind yourself that the focus is on 429 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:50,440 Speaker 1: the child, that may allow yourself to acknowledge your real 430 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,679 Speaker 1: feelings that are coming up, but then put those on 431 00:26:54,960 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: pause to figure out what does the child need need 432 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 1: in this moment and how can we come together as 433 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,879 Speaker 1: a team to address the needs of the child. 434 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's spot on dim I would agree 435 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,359 Speaker 2: with that one hundred percent. And I will say, in 436 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 2: full transparency, I personally have never had to deal with 437 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,920 Speaker 2: baby mama drama and co parenting. However, being a product 438 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,639 Speaker 2: of a blended family, I watched my parents do co 439 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 2: parenting pretty well growing up. So I'd love to just 440 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,440 Speaker 2: share what I saw them do that benefited me as 441 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,920 Speaker 2: a child. I will say, being an adult, I heard 442 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: about things that happened behind the scenes when I was 443 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,159 Speaker 2: younger that I was never privy to. So did a 444 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,040 Speaker 2: good job, right, They did a good job initially, because 445 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 2: I'm sure and initially, you know, to give you context, 446 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,679 Speaker 2: there was my mom, her husband, my bonus dad, and 447 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,400 Speaker 2: then my dad who were all kind of in the mix. 448 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,200 Speaker 2: And you know, my dad still, of course wanted to 449 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 2: be not of course, but my dad still wanted to 450 00:27:58,080 --> 00:27:59,880 Speaker 2: be in my life, and so they had to figure 451 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 2: out that co parenting situation out and I was living 452 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,639 Speaker 2: with my mom and my bonus dad, and so initially, 453 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:11,440 Speaker 2: I don't think it was a very smooth, in tensionless situation, 454 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,640 Speaker 2: especially when you're dealing with I don't know, I think 455 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,159 Speaker 2: sometimes I don't know, I don't know It's just tricky 456 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 2: stuff because at that time, my bonus dad was in 457 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,280 Speaker 2: my life when I was two, and when him and 458 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,800 Speaker 2: my mom got married, I ended up being raised to 459 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 2: call him dad. So it was like, you know, you're 460 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:31,359 Speaker 2: calling another person dad, and then you have another dad. 461 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 2: It can be tricky. But what I noticed that they 462 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,600 Speaker 2: did that worked really well is there was open communication. 463 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 2: So my bonus dad and my dad, I wouldn't say 464 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,840 Speaker 2: they had a relationship. They weren't buddies, but over the 465 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 2: years they began to talk and communicate with one another. 466 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,880 Speaker 2: And one thing my dad told me recently is he 467 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 2: told me that years ago, when I was younger, I 468 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 2: did something bad. I was being a badass little kid, 469 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,239 Speaker 2: and my bonus dad called my dad and was like, 470 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,960 Speaker 2: Terry's acting up and I don't know what to do. 471 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,560 Speaker 2: And I think my dad wasn't even on my side. 472 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 2: I think my dad was like, you need to whoop 473 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 2: that butt. I think that's what he said, something like that, 474 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 2: you need to discipline her. And so they were able 475 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 2: to have that conversation without my mom being involved and 476 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,680 Speaker 2: again talk about what I needed as a child that 477 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:17,880 Speaker 2: was misbehaving, you know what I mean. And so I 478 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,960 Speaker 2: think that was key. Also, you know, my mom would 479 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,240 Speaker 2: invite my dad over to stay with us so that 480 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 2: he could visit me. So they were all three in 481 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,960 Speaker 2: the same space together being mature adults, and so it 482 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:33,959 Speaker 2: takes all parties to be involved, to be active participants, 483 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 2: or it can be really really tough, you know, when 484 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,680 Speaker 2: you have one person that's bitter or that's immature. And 485 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,120 Speaker 2: so I want to kind of go back to what 486 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 2: dom said therapy. I know that everyone may not be 487 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 2: in a position to, you know, lean into therapy, but 488 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 2: there are definitely other resources out there. So whether it's 489 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 2: a podcast that talks about co parenting and gives you 490 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 2: strategies and tips on how to co parent. So maybe 491 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,280 Speaker 2: it's not the her space podcast for that particular topic 492 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 2: right now. Some think we have any topics at this point, 493 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 2: but we should definitely explore that in the future. But 494 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 2: maybe there's a podcast about parenting and they dive into 495 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 2: co parenting and they have experts on that talk about 496 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:11,120 Speaker 2: their experiences, maybe leveraging that. I don't know, Domino, any 497 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:15,440 Speaker 2: other resources or any other advice that you give Miss Jackson. 498 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, so I would say that there are definitely you know, yes, 499 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:28,840 Speaker 1: other podcasts that address parenting concerns, and I think that 500 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:34,280 Speaker 1: in addition to focusing on the child first, I think 501 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 1: the next thing is identifying for yourself. If you are 502 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 1: in a situation like Miss Jackson, where the co parents 503 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 1: are not showing up in a way that you think 504 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,520 Speaker 1: feels good for you, or is not in a way 505 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: that's not meeting your needs, then I think that in 506 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,920 Speaker 1: those situations relations it's a matter of kind of stepping 507 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:07,040 Speaker 1: back and saying, okay, well, then how else can I 508 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:12,800 Speaker 1: address this situation? Right? So, you know, it seems like 509 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,640 Speaker 1: David is not on the same page as Miss Jackson 510 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:22,680 Speaker 1: in terms of parenting. Now I don't know if, because 511 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,320 Speaker 1: again we don't have all the contexts. I don't know 512 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 1: what type of conversations Miss Jackson has tried to have 513 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: with David to foster a healthy co parenting relationship. But 514 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:41,280 Speaker 1: that's one thing that I would encourage. And then also knowing, 515 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 1: you know, thinking about whether you need the courts involved, right, 516 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: and I know that a lot of us don't want 517 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 1: to get the courts involved, And it sounds like Miss 518 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:56,720 Speaker 1: Jackson did because she tried to file for child support right, 519 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 1: And to me, when I think I when it comes 520 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: to the courts, if you've made that decision to get 521 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:08,240 Speaker 1: the courts involved, it's kind of like that's when unless 522 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: there's some extenuating circumstance that comes up. If you've made 523 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 1: a decision that Okay, I'm going I'm filing these papers, 524 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 1: working on child support, working on custody, all of those things, 525 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 1: then unless some extreme extenuating circumstances come up, then you 526 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:30,440 Speaker 1: continue to stick with that, right, especially if your co 527 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:34,479 Speaker 1: parents is not going along with the program. And it 528 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,040 Speaker 1: may be hard to set those boundaries because we also 529 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: have to consider, well, this was someone that you probably 530 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:46,120 Speaker 1: had a relationship with that there's some emotional connection to, right, 531 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 1: whether it's positive or negative emotions, there's some emotions connected 532 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:56,520 Speaker 1: to this person. And so to me, it's really about Okay, well, 533 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,280 Speaker 1: maybe since miss Jackson has made the decisions to get 534 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:05,240 Speaker 1: the courts involved, that may be the more helpful option 535 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,480 Speaker 1: for her to get what she needs. And so instead 536 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:14,440 Speaker 1: of having any communication with David and Lisa for right now, 537 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 1: leaving it strictly up to the courts. And I know, 538 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 1: I get that that does not always feel like humane, 539 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 1: it doesn't always feel like the more personable thing to do. 540 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:36,840 Speaker 1: But if you have tried, and your co parents have 541 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,400 Speaker 1: made it clear that that's you know, through their actions 542 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:45,080 Speaker 1: and sometimes their words and judging by this text message, 543 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:50,280 Speaker 1: then again, as the parent, you also have to think about, Okay, 544 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 1: what is truly going to be best for the child 545 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: in this situation. And I like what you pointed out 546 00:33:56,040 --> 00:34:03,400 Speaker 1: Terry about your situation growing up that your parents you 547 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,400 Speaker 1: were not privy as a child. Growing up, you were 548 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,799 Speaker 1: not privy to any of the drama that was happening 549 00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:15,759 Speaker 1: between the adults. And I think that's healthiest for the 550 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:21,359 Speaker 1: kid that they just don't know. Even though kids are 551 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 1: pretty perceptive, right, so to some extent they may know, well, 552 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:30,440 Speaker 1: mommy and daddy are not getting along, or mommy and 553 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:35,200 Speaker 1: bonus mommy aren't getting along. They may have some sense 554 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:39,439 Speaker 1: of it, but it's more helpful or beneficial to them 555 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,560 Speaker 1: to not be aware of to not see. 556 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 2: It exactly, to not see it. I'm with you, don 557 00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,720 Speaker 2: those are really good points. I will say, Miss Jackson 558 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:54,200 Speaker 2: couldes to you for you know. Still, I want to 559 00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:58,239 Speaker 2: say supporting David being and your daughter's you know, life, 560 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,439 Speaker 2: considering that he hasn't been there, it sounds he wasn't 561 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,560 Speaker 2: taking the initiative, so to still put your daughter's interest 562 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,920 Speaker 2: first because it is in most cases. I think it 563 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:09,760 Speaker 2: is important for kids to be in connection with their parents, 564 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,800 Speaker 2: you know, if they're not toxic and abusive and stuff 565 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,400 Speaker 2: like that. Also, good for you for not snapping on Lisa, 566 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,359 Speaker 2: because I feel like after a text like that, y'all 567 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:19,600 Speaker 2: could be girl, y'all might be meeting into the parking 568 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:21,880 Speaker 2: lot and you might you know what I mean, Yeah, 569 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,840 Speaker 2: you don't want to put Pauls on a body, So 570 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:25,879 Speaker 2: good for you for not you know, feeding into that. 571 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 2: And then I would say keeping receipts, like, keep keeping 572 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,960 Speaker 2: those screenshots because you can definitely leverage that you know 573 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,400 Speaker 2: in this situation. And then you probably do this already, 574 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,520 Speaker 2: but talk to your baby girl about what is her 575 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,839 Speaker 2: experience around Lisa, like as Lisa treating her right, because 576 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:42,680 Speaker 2: Lisa may be giving you all this energy, but she 577 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:44,400 Speaker 2: may not have the same energy with your daughter. And 578 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 2: if she's treating her well, that's good. But you've probably 579 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:49,359 Speaker 2: already done this. But I would definitely talk to David 580 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,759 Speaker 2: about what's important to you as it relates to your 581 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,960 Speaker 2: baby girl and like who she's around, because if that's 582 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 2: how Lisa is texting you. I can only imagine what 583 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,359 Speaker 2: her vibe is like in person. But again, I don't 584 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,880 Speaker 2: know the context and the history and everything that you 585 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,640 Speaker 2: all have been through, but it's definitely a tricky situation. 586 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,560 Speaker 2: So be sure too as best as you can. Lean 587 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,160 Speaker 2: into your village. You talked about, you know, being raised 588 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:13,200 Speaker 2: about or being raised and talked that it takes a village. 589 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,360 Speaker 2: So I'm assuming that you do have a village that 590 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,600 Speaker 2: you're part of, So definitely lean into those folks so 591 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:22,200 Speaker 2: that you can try to find the best outcome here, 592 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 2: because this is not easy stuff. 593 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:28,680 Speaker 1: Not at all, not at all. And yes, and part 594 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,080 Speaker 1: of leaning into that village is not just support for 595 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:37,240 Speaker 1: your daughter, but support for you, like that's separate from 596 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 1: your daughter. 597 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,759 Speaker 2: Go I'm looking at this last question and I'm like, 598 00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:42,880 Speaker 2: I'm ready to go in. I want to say my 599 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:47,680 Speaker 2: old toxic self is coming because I realized my own 600 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,080 Speaker 2: toxic dating self is coming out. As I'm reading this, 601 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,000 Speaker 2: I'm like, God, I know exactly what to tell you, 602 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,240 Speaker 2: But you want to take over this one? Or should 603 00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:55,120 Speaker 2: I go ahead and dive in? 604 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,439 Speaker 1: You can go on ahead and read it and I'll 605 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:02,880 Speaker 1: tell you yes, how not to let that old toxicself 606 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:03,799 Speaker 1: come into this. 607 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,480 Speaker 2: I want to choose names just so we have context 608 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,280 Speaker 2: when we're talking about it. Let's call them Crystal. 609 00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: Okay, all right? 610 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:15,160 Speaker 2: So Crystal says how to stop being so accessible? For example, 611 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:19,920 Speaker 2: being in a situationship you wanting more and them not. However, 612 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 2: you're still making yourself available because somehow you still have hope, 613 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 2: but it's eating you up inside. I think many of 614 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,480 Speaker 2: us have been there or know someone who's been there before. 615 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:32,000 Speaker 2: So can I tell you I was thinking first time, 616 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,320 Speaker 2: and then you let me know if you think it's toxic. 617 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 2: I know one thing that I used to do when 618 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:38,439 Speaker 2: you know, being in the dating scene is I guess 619 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,279 Speaker 2: a little bit of playing card to get but also 620 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 2: not showing all my cards. So if I was this 621 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,439 Speaker 2: person and I felt like someone didn't want to be there, 622 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:50,160 Speaker 2: well then I'm not going to show I'm not making 623 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,920 Speaker 2: myself available, like if you are showing me that you 624 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,439 Speaker 2: don't want to be there, I'm not about to put 625 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,560 Speaker 2: more effort and then you're putting in. So I wouldn't 626 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,360 Speaker 2: necessarily say it's toxic, but just like protecting myself, I 627 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,479 Speaker 2: guess you could say because I truly believe that people 628 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:04,080 Speaker 2: make time for people that they want to be with. 629 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:09,719 Speaker 1: Yes, all right, team that question right there. I know 630 00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:18,200 Speaker 1: so many people who have experienced or might currently be 631 00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:23,400 Speaker 1: in a situationship. But I'm also wanting to be mindful 632 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:29,319 Speaker 1: of our time, all right, So we're gonna take this 633 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:33,400 Speaker 1: question on over to the after show. So, lady, you 634 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:40,120 Speaker 1: want to hear about how we respond to situationships, head 635 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:44,000 Speaker 1: on over to our after show, all. 636 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,719 Speaker 2: Right, lady, And to get access to the after show, 637 00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,880 Speaker 2: you can head on over to perspace podcast dot com 638 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:53,600 Speaker 2: and click on Patreon. Wisday Wednesday with Terry and you 639 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,600 Speaker 2: can join us for the after show because we're going 640 00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,399 Speaker 2: to dive in a little bit deeper into this question. 641 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,839 Speaker 2: There's a lot to talk about here, Hy lady, it's 642 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:05,279 Speaker 2: Terry here from cultivating her Space. Are you tired of 643 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,440 Speaker 2: working hard for your money? Do you want your business 644 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,400 Speaker 2: to run smoothly when you're out of office? If you 645 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,240 Speaker 2: want to learn how to automate your business cash flow 646 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:18,440 Speaker 2: and increase your impact and influence, join me from our 647 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:23,680 Speaker 2: free workshop at brandwidth Terry dot com. Again, that's brand 648 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:29,279 Speaker 2: with Terry dot com. My name is spelled Teubri. Hope 649 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:30,160 Speaker 2: to see you there, lady. 650 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show 651 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 1: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and 652 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,640 Speaker 1: mental health, but is by no means meant to be 653 00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:49,960 Speaker 1: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained 654 00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:54,040 Speaker 1: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is 655 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,400 Speaker 1: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy 656 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:03,360 Speaker 1: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 657 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:05,920 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 658 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:10,600 Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatingherspace dot com, and 659 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:13,160 Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access 660 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:18,040 Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show and 661 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:21,239 Speaker 2: before we meet again repete after me. I am doing 662 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,920 Speaker 2: the best I can with the understanding knowledge and awareness 663 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:26,400 Speaker 2: I have at this moment.