WEBVTT - 7 Steps on How to Silence Your INNER CRITIC Especially When it Gets TOO LOUD and Becomes Overwhelming 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:06.840 Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships, 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:09.239 and the state of the world. But there's a way 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:12.799 to bring that stress level down. Calm. It's the number 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:15.320 one app for mental wellness with tons of content to 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:20.760 manage anxiety, promote concentration, and help you unwind. There's music, meditation, 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.840 and more. Calm makes it easy to de stress. You 0:00:23.880 --> 0:00:27.720 can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, I 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:31.560 love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on leaves 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.880 to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:36.920 with Calm for a couple of years now, and I'd 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.400 love for you to check out my series on reducing 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:44.600 overwhelm eight short practices Quick Relief. Right now, listeners of 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.000 On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calm 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:52.199 Premium at Calm dot com. Forward slash j that's c 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:57.800 LM dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off. 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:02.400 Calm your mind, change your life. You can't hate yourself 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:06.279 into changing because you don't invest, you don't give time, 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:09.920 you don't give energy to someone you hate. So if 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:12.640 you hate yourself, how can you bring out the best 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:16.760 in yourself? If you hate yourself, how can you build 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:19.400 a life that you're excited by. 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:21.759 The number one health and wellness. 0:01:21.280 --> 0:01:28.959 Podcast, Stay Sheety jay, sheety s jaso. Hey everyone, welcome 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:32.360 back to On Purpose, the number one health and wellness 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.160 podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:38.360 of you that come back every week to become a happier, 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:43.240 healthier and more healed. If you're here right now, it's 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:47.680 because you believe that your mental health is a priority 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:50.240 in your life. And I'm so grateful that in twenty 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:54.160 twenty four you're making the time, taking the time, investing 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:59.760 your energy in making this a top top priority. Now. 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:04.280 Today day's episode is all about how to silence your 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:07.920 inner critic when it gets too loud and tells you 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:11.519 to give up. How many of you in the last 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:15.840 seven days have heard your inner critic say you're not 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:19.799 good enough? Well, then this episode is for you. How 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:23.000 many of you have heard your inner critics say you 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:26.480 just can't get it together? Can you? Well, then this 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.160 episode is for you. How many of you have heard 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:32.680 your inner critic say, have you seen what they're doing? 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:36.200 Have you seen how far behind you are already? Can 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:38.560 you believe it's only the end of January and you've 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:43.359 already fallen apart. If the answer is yes, this episode 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:47.840 is for you. Research shows that only nine percent of 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:52.119 people that make resolutions complete them. In fact, research goes 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:54.800 on to show that twenty three percent of people quit 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:58.079 their resolution by the end of the first week and 0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:02.120 forty three percent quit by the end of January. If 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:06.440 you are one of those people, this episode is for you. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:09.800 And by the way, some of you may still be 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:13.320 going on strong, but your inner critic is still loud. 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:17.040 Even if you're nailing your new As resolution, you're getting 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.919 it right, you're on point, you're still hearing that voice 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:23.160 say you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:28.960 not moving fast enough, you're not getting better enough. So interesting, now, 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:36.040 what's really interesting is we're not struggling because we broke 0:03:36.040 --> 0:03:39.680 our new As resolution. We break our new As resolution 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:43.440 because of how we talk to ourselves. Think about that 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:47.200 for a second. The reason we quit doing something is 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:51.120 because of the story we tell ourselves about it. Think 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:53.640 about the last time you quit something. Think about the 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:55.800 last time you gave up on something. Think about the 0:03:55.880 --> 0:03:58.839 last time you had a habit that you couldn't keep up. 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:04.560 Promise you that somewhere your inner critic told you that 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:10.480 you should feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed because of where you were, 0:04:10.840 --> 0:04:13.880 and there's no point in carrying on. You fell off 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:17.040 once and your inner critic said, you're just going to 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:21.880 fall off again, what's the point. Or you're doing something brilliantly, 0:04:22.240 --> 0:04:25.680 and your inner critic said, you're still behind, you'll never 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:30.279 catch up. We don't fail because we're not disciplined. It's 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:33.800 because of how we talk to ourselves when we mess up, 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:40.039 when we lose a sense of discipline, a habit, a routine. 0:04:40.920 --> 0:04:45.040 The way we talk to ourselves is what steals away 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:49.880 our momentum, our drive, our enthusiasm, our energy. It's how 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:54.279 we speak to ourselves in the quiet moments, in the 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:59.600 silent moments, in the moments in between, that defines what 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:04.159 happened outside of it. Now, I'm sure all of you 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:07.320 are listening right now and thinking, jay I can relate 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:12.280 to all of this. And what's fascinating when I was 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:15.560 looking at the research is there are two broad types 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:20.640 of self criticism. From a researcher named Sullivan, a clinical 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:25.960 psychologist based in Atlanta. Now, some of these thoughts this 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:31.240 in a critic is first person I statements like I'm 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:38.280 so lazy, I'm so complacent, I'm so not smart enough, right, 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:41.440 whatever it may be, it's I'm so fill in the blank. 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:47.279 And other people use second person language like you didn't 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:51.040 go to the gym all week, or you're not good enough, 0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:54.560 or you're never going to get that job, or you 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:59.200 can never start a podcast. This second type of statement 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:03.840 tends to be really really challenging to listen to, and 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:07.920 Sulomon says that our brains process those thoughts as if 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:11.920 someone in a position of authority is talking to us. 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.000 They know all our flaws, and they pretend like they 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:19.560 can predict the future. Right when you're hearing that voice 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.799 that says you can't do it, you're not good enough, 0:06:23.080 --> 0:06:28.880 you're not smart enough, it's actually even more challenging. So, 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:32.640 whether you're hearing I'm so lazy, or whether you're hearing 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:37.400 you're so lazy, I'm going to share with you seven principles, 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:41.400 seven tips and hacks to help you navigate your inner 0:06:41.440 --> 0:06:45.040 critic and build a healthier relationship with the inner critic 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:48.599 so that you can actually engage in a dialogue with it. Now. 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:52.600 These tips are super practical, super accessible. You'll be able 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:55.599 to implement them right away from today. You won't have 0:06:55.720 --> 0:06:58.159 to buy something or develop a new skill or tool 0:06:58.240 --> 0:06:59.960 or whatever it may be. You'll be able to do 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:04.080 this today. So take a screenshot of your favorite ones, 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:07.560 make notes, share this with a friend, because this episode 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:10.920 is going to help you become kinded to yourself, more 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:15.560 compassionate to yourself, yet still let you be driven and ambitious. 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:18.680 I think that's our worry. Our worry is that if 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:22.720 we're not hard on ourselves, then we won't achieve great things. 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:26.600 But we're scared that if we're too kind to ourselves 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:29.920 then will be lethargic or complacent. Right, how many times 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.600 have you ever thought to yourself, well, if I don't 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:35.840 put pressure on myself, then I'm just going to coast. 0:07:36.360 --> 0:07:38.360 And how many times have you tried to think, well, 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:40.880 I'm going to put so much pressure on myself, but 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:45.360 that also limits your ability. So in this episode, I'm 0:07:45.400 --> 0:07:48.960 going to help you understand how do you navigate the 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:52.000 inner critic so that you can still be ambitious and 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:56.320 driven and succeed in whatever way you describe that word, 0:07:57.000 --> 0:08:02.640 and at the same time be kind, compassionate, and mindful. Now, 0:08:03.160 --> 0:08:05.760 let me ask you a question when was the last 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:10.400 time you helped someone that you hate? If your answer 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:14.240 was never, great, if your answer was actually, I do 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:19.440 remember helping someone I hate, how consistently and how constantly 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:23.440 did you help that person? Generally, we don't help people 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.640 that we hate. We don't invest in people that we hate, 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:32.719 especially not consistently or constantly. So think about this. We 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:36.880 think we can hate ourselves into changing, but you can 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:40.680 only love yourself into changing. Let me say that again. 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:45.680 You can't hate yourself into changing because you don't invest, 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:49.080 you don't give time, you don't give energy to someone 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:52.760 you hate. So if you hate yourself, how can you 0:08:52.760 --> 0:08:55.800 bring out the best in yourself? If you hate yourself, 0:08:56.400 --> 0:09:01.840 how can you build a life that you're excited by it. So, 0:09:02.120 --> 0:09:05.760 just recognizing that this mindset of I'm going to criticize myself, 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:08.720 I'm going to put pressure on myself, I'm going to 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:13.080 hate myself into changing, I'm going to hate myself into 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:16.360 being better doesn't make sense. And by the way, we 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:18.360 do this to the people we love in our lives. 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:21.400 We often think that if I make someone feel bad enough, 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:25.160 they'll be good to me. If I make someone feel 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:29.120 like they're messing up, they'll get better. How many times 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:33.120 have people improved because of shame, because of guilt? How 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:36.640 many people have you shamed into change? How many people 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:39.960 have you guilted into change? How many people have you 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.920 humiliated into change? And how many people have you criticized 0:09:43.960 --> 0:09:46.920 into change? Maybe they did it for a bit, but 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:52.040 not long term. We can't guilt people into change. You 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:57.280 can't shame people into change. You can't embarrass people into change, 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:03.160 So stop doing it to yourself. You can't hate yourself 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:08.240 into change. We change because someone believes in us. We 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:13.520 change because someone loves us. We change because someone invests enough. 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:18.720 You will change because you invest in your truelf. You 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:22.440 will change because you believe in yourself. You will change 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:25.400 because you love yourself. If you want to be better, 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:30.520 be better with yourself. If you want to do more, 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.840 be kinder to yourself. That's what you'll respond to. How 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:39.440 many people in your life respond positively to hate, guilt, 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:43.480 or shame, Yet we all still try to hate, guilt 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:48.400 and shame ourselves into positive change. This is your reminder 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:52.560 to be more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. I 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.640 was saying this to a friend the other day. Who 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:59.480 are saying that all he does is gives himself a 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:04.480 hard time. He'll overanalyze every situation, every conversation, a presentation 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:08.400 at work. He'll relive that moment again and again and 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.360 again in his head and keep telling himself it should 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:13.320 have been better, It could have been better if only 0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:17.640 he did this, if only he did that? What does 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:22.280 that do? It makes him feel discouraged? But what if 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:24.760 he said to himself, let's make a plan of how 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:27.960 to be better next time. Let's make a plan of 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:30.160 how we're going to improve next time. Let's actually take 0:11:30.200 --> 0:11:33.360 a look at what we did great and where we 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:38.160 can grow. Let's look at both greatness and growth in ourselves. 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.280 Let's not be blind to our flaws. Let's not be 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:45.880 falsely flattering or complimentary. We don't want that either. But 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:50.199 let's focus on greatness and growth within ourselves. After a presentation, 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.480 asking yourself, what was great about it? Okay? Where can 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:57.679 I grow? After a phone call a tough one? What 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.240 was that great? At? What can I grow at? So 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.760 quick to judge ourselves and point out all the growth 0:12:04.800 --> 0:12:07.160 and actually not even growth. We point out the guilt, 0:12:08.120 --> 0:12:13.280 but we avoid the growth and the greatness. Remember, you 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:18.120 can only love yourself into change. You can only love 0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:22.079 yourself into change. You can't hate yourself into change. Step 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:27.720 number two, this is a really important step. Give your 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.680 inner critic and name. If we want to remove that 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:36.440 idea of you're lazy or I'm lazy, we have to 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:41.240 shift to recognizing that your inner critic is an external voice, 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:45.360 that it isn't your voice, it's not how you feel 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:49.440 about yourself. And this is a really really important tool 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:52.839 because this next point that I want to share in 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:57.079 these both are correlated and connected. Is your inner critic. 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:01.560 It's not your voice because someone said it to you first. 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:05.560 You may think it's your belief, but it's not your belief. 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:08.120 You heard it from someone before. I remember having a 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:13.239 client whose mom used to tell her that she looked overweight, 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:17.040 that she looked fat, that she didn't look good when 0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:19.440 she was a young girl, and as she grew older, 0:13:20.080 --> 0:13:23.600 no matter how her body shaped and shifted and everything else, 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.800 she still had that in her voice. No matter what 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:28.560 she wore, if she wore a color that her mother 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:32.040 didn't like, she heard her mother's voice. What happens, though, 0:13:32.960 --> 0:13:38.800 is that over time, the person's voice merges into sounding 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:43.640 like yours. If you repeat someone else's statement. Enough, in 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:47.520 your mind, it sounds like it's your own voice. So 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:49.280 I want you to think about it who said it 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:53.000 to you first, and you might even name it that person. 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:57.360 So if it was your mom, if it was your dad, 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:00.920 if it was the teacher at school that kept saying 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:04.720 something to you that has become that voice, maybe let's 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:07.520 give that name to that voice. That way we can 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.520 recognize that it's a conversation between us and our teacher, 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:15.040 or us in our parents, as opposed to us and ourselves. 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:19.760 We start recognizing that it isn't how we feel about ourselves, 0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:23.800 that this is an adopted belief, that this is a 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:28.080 belief that we've picked up. How does that help? When 0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:30.920 you give your inner critic a name, you start recognizing 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:34.600 that this is a conversation, That this is a relationship 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.640 that you've built that you can distance from, that you 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:42.040 can disconnect from, that it isn't something within you. And 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:45.200 when you identify who said it to you first, you 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:49.840 also start to recognize how careful we have to be 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:55.360 in the influences we allow into our space. And now 0:14:55.400 --> 0:15:00.320 we don't want to find other people who reaffirm that voice. Often, 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:02.800 if we had a parent that treated us that way. 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.640 We also find a partner who treats us that way 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:11.960 because it feels familiar, it feels relatable, and Tick not 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:15.840 Harnt talked a lot about this, this idea that we 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:20.960 crave familiar pain. So you would rather repeat a toxic 0:15:21.080 --> 0:15:29.040 familiar pattern than break it to experience an unfamiliar uncertain pattern. 0:15:29.400 --> 0:15:35.960 So you would rather choose toxic familiarity than untoxic uncertainty. 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:39.440 Let me say that again, you would rather choose toxic 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:48.320 familiarity than untoxic uncertainty because we'd rather deal with problems 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:51.800 that we're aware of than the challenge of a new problem. 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:54.400 So often what we do is, if our parents believed 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:56.960 a certain thing about us, we find a partner who 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.600 believes it as well, or we do the opposite. We 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:02.440 try and find the partner who adores us and makes 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.680 that feeling go away. But guess what, it doesn't because 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:07.400 the voice is still in our heads. We're looking for 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.880 the partner who tells us the opposite without forgetting the 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:14.480 message we've gained from our parents. So give your inner 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:17.760 critic a name. Name it after that teacher or that parent, 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.760 so you can make it a conversation or give it 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:25.000 an imaginary name to even weaken it further, to remove 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:28.520 that authority from it and who said it to. You. 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:32.040 First recognize that this isn't your voice, and actually say that. 0:16:32.200 --> 0:16:33.920 Whenever you hear that in a voice, say this is 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:37.080 not me, this is not my voice. I am not 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:40.040 my thoughts, I am not my mind. Actually repeat that 0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:44.240 with me right now. I am not my thoughts. I 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:49.400 can choose my thoughts. I can choose which thoughts to 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:54.480 give energy to. I can choose the voice inside my head. 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:59.080 Step number four is remove the I am statement. Instead 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:03.720 of saying I am late, say I am experiencing laziness, 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:09.280 I'm experiencing whatever emotion it may be, allowing yourself to 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:14.919 create some distance from that emotion or what I accept is. 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:19.720 I may say I am feeling lazy and I am 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.720 going to make a plan, I am feeling tired, and 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:26.879 I'm going to get to bed early tonight. So if 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:28.879 you're accepting it, you can say the I am, but 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:31.640 you're still saying I am feeling instead of saying you 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:37.479 are right. That distance allows you to disconnect from that 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:40.840 inner critic. It allows you to create some space between 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:43.359 you and that inner critic, so you can now fill 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:48.040 that space with enthusiasm and energy. The repetition of I'm lazy, 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:52.240 I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I can't 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:54.560 do that. What that does is it creates a story 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:57.680 and a narrative that you repeat and perpetuate in your life. 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:02.120 Step number five, This one has probably been my favorite 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:04.080 one because I think what we often try and do 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:07.440 is we try to silence the inner critic before taking 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:10.399 the right step. And this is pretty tough because the 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:12.360 inner critic doesn't go away. I still have an inner 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:15.679 critic today, right after all these years, I still have 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:18.600 an inner critic. It still shows up. It still turns 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:21.200 up because over years I'd heard things, You're not good 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:22.879 enough of that, you can't do that, You're going to 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:26.280 lose everything, you don't deserve this. Whatever it may have 0:18:26.320 --> 0:18:29.800 been right, it still appears. And what I've realized is 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:32.320 that I have a few choices with it. I can 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:34.320 either think, Okay, I need to get rid of this though, 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:37.600 and then I'll live my life right. Once I get 0:18:37.680 --> 0:18:41.000 rid of this though, then I'll take action. And actually 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:45.159 it's the opposite. Don't let it stop you from making 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:49.240 the right choice or taking action. You can be self 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:53.359 critical and still work out. You can be self critical 0:18:53.640 --> 0:18:56.400 and still meditate. So often what we do is our 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.400 mind says, oh, you've missed meditation yesterday, what's the point 0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:01.760 of meditating today? And then you think, all right, well, 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:04.440 let's not meditate today. Well, no, you can be critical 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:07.640 of yourself and still turn up to meditation. You can 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:10.760 be critical of yourself and still work out. And it's 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:13.639 better to take the right action because the right action 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.159 will allow you to gain more strength to have a 0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:19.399 healthier conversation. You'll then be able to say, well, I 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:21.320 worked out today and I feel great, So I'm going 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:23.760 to keep working out. And guess what, I feel great 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:25.640 when I work out, So I'm going to keep working out. 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:28.960 I'm going to keep building that muscle. So don't let 0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:33.199 something stop you from making and taking the right choice 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:38.840 and right decision. So many of us block ourselves because 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:42.840 of a couple of misses, because of a belief about ourselves. 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:46.359 How many of you have missed out on a great 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:52.240 opportunity that was offered to you because somewhere you felt 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:56.040 you don't deserve that opportunity. Maybe you bumped into someone 0:19:56.480 --> 0:19:58.320 and they said, to hey, message me, I'd love to 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:00.680 talk to you about this opportunity, and you didn't even 0:20:00.720 --> 0:20:03.520 message because you were so scared that you'd mess it 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:05.960 up and you'd rather not even turn up. You'd rather 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.480 not even go there. How many of you in your 0:20:08.520 --> 0:20:14.000 life have tried something and because it didn't work out 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:16.560 one day, because one day didn't go wrong, you changed 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:21.720 your belief about yourself. Please, please, please. Your inner critic 0:20:21.960 --> 0:20:27.520 is a retrainable voice. Your inner critic is not a truth. 0:20:28.240 --> 0:20:32.119 Your inner critic is not a reality. Your inner critic 0:20:32.280 --> 0:20:38.680 is a changeable, trainable voice. And that's what we're trying 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:41.439 to do here. We're trying to make it a voice 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:45.520 that is like your coach in your mind, that is 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:49.920 going to excel and allow you to want to do better. 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:54.880 Ask yourself, when you want a friend to improve, when 0:20:54.920 --> 0:21:00.679 you want to encourage, cheer and enthuse your how do 0:21:00.720 --> 0:21:03.080 you talk to them? How would you explain them to 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:04.800 be better? And this is an activity that I want 0:21:04.800 --> 0:21:08.400 you to do. Find the area of your life where 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:15.040 you most overthink, overanalyze, and overwhelm yourself. What's something that 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:18.600 triggers you regularly into your inner critic giving you a 0:21:18.600 --> 0:21:21.479 hard and tough time. Let's say that when you make 0:21:21.480 --> 0:21:23.840 a mistake at work, that's when you're the kind of 0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:27.520 person that wants to lock yourself in a bathroom and completely, 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:31.760 you know, attack yourself. In that moment, I want you 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:35.600 to ask yourself this question. How would I connect with 0:21:35.680 --> 0:21:38.000 a friend, How would I connect with a loved one 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:40.399 if they just told me this news? How would I 0:21:40.400 --> 0:21:41.960 talk to them? Not? What would I say to them? 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:44.680 How would I talk to them? I'm sure it's with love. 0:21:45.119 --> 0:21:48.760 I'm sure it's with empathy. Sure it's with compassion. Okay, 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:50.879 Now what would you say to them? You wouldn't just 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:52.439 say to them, Hey, it's all going to be fine. 0:21:53.119 --> 0:21:55.119 And you wouldn't say to them, oh, you've really messed 0:21:55.160 --> 0:21:58.280 up this time. You're the worst. You're going to get fired. 0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:02.680 You'd say, Hey, let's figure out how we can avoid 0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:05.119 this mistake in the future. Let's figure out how to 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:08.960 improve this situation right now. Let's build the skill set 0:22:09.040 --> 0:22:13.040 we need in order to perform better. Notice how the 0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:17.399 way you talk to yourself transforms how you talk to 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:21.359 others and how you listen to others. I've realized that 0:22:21.400 --> 0:22:24.120 when I miss a day of going to the gym, 0:22:24.400 --> 0:22:30.399 giving myself grace allows me to commit again tomorrow. Making 0:22:30.440 --> 0:22:33.919 myself guilty mayn't force me to work out today, but 0:22:34.000 --> 0:22:37.440 it doesn't last. Let's have a day where I eat unhealthy, 0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:39.600 or a couple of days where I ate something that 0:22:40.000 --> 0:22:42.080 I know wasn't good for me, and then I can 0:22:42.119 --> 0:22:47.040 beerate myself. I can criticize myself, I can slander myself. 0:22:47.080 --> 0:22:49.560 I can do all of that stuff. But if I 0:22:49.600 --> 0:22:52.560 actually ask myself, Hey, why did that happen? What was 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:55.639 it about that day that drove me to that decision? Oh? 0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:59.480 I was tired? Oh I was jet lagged. Oh yeah, 0:22:59.520 --> 0:23:02.160 that was the day I was feeling really stressed. Understood. Okay, 0:23:02.200 --> 0:23:05.200 so let me make sure that I'm resting more. Let 0:23:05.240 --> 0:23:07.960 me make sure that I'm sleeping better this weekend, and 0:23:07.960 --> 0:23:11.119 then I'll make better choices. Checking in with yourself and 0:23:11.160 --> 0:23:14.680 asking yourself, why was that? Why did I do that? 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:16.800 Why did I miss going to the gym? What was 0:23:16.840 --> 0:23:19.760 the reason? Rather than being like you miss going to 0:23:19.800 --> 0:23:22.120 the gym, You're the worst? Now, a couple more things 0:23:22.160 --> 0:23:24.800 I want to mention to you. We have to start 0:23:25.040 --> 0:23:29.439 journaling our winds and good moments. We have to start 0:23:29.480 --> 0:23:34.879 sharing them more deeply. What we usually do is when 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.400 something good happens in our life, we celebrate for a day, 0:23:39.040 --> 0:23:41.720 but when something bad happens in our life, we cry 0:23:41.800 --> 0:23:45.480 for a month. It's no wonder that our negative thoughts 0:23:46.000 --> 0:23:49.119 become more pronounced. Right. If you get something wrong, you 0:23:49.400 --> 0:23:52.919 literally tell yourself every day for a week, I'm the worst. 0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:55.640 I should have done better. But if you get something right, 0:23:56.119 --> 0:23:58.560 you may say once, oh, yeah, I did good. And 0:23:58.680 --> 0:24:01.600 whether we're being modest, whether playing ourselves down, whatever it 0:24:01.640 --> 0:24:03.840 may be, we're training our mind to say, when I 0:24:03.880 --> 0:24:06.399 do something wrong, I go really hard on myself. And 0:24:06.400 --> 0:24:09.480 when I do something well, I consider it to be easy. 0:24:09.880 --> 0:24:14.520 I consider it to be expected. We expect greatness from ourselves, 0:24:15.119 --> 0:24:20.240 and so we only amplify our weaknesses and flaws. Next 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:23.080 time you do something right, next time you do something well, 0:24:23.320 --> 0:24:25.720 I want you to journal it deeply. I want you 0:24:25.840 --> 0:24:28.080 to share it with a friend. And by the way, 0:24:28.119 --> 0:24:30.720 I got into a bad habit of this when a 0:24:30.760 --> 0:24:33.399 few years ago, when I was really grateful that so 0:24:33.480 --> 0:24:35.600 many of my dreams were coming true, when I was 0:24:35.640 --> 0:24:39.119 speaking to friends, I started to play down my achievements 0:24:39.160 --> 0:24:41.520 because I didn't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. 0:24:41.840 --> 0:24:45.920 And while I was well intentioned. What ended up happening 0:24:46.000 --> 0:24:49.520 is I started becoming more negative because what I was 0:24:49.560 --> 0:24:53.680 doing is I was amplifying my negative experience and minimizing 0:24:53.760 --> 0:24:58.080 my positive experience. Now, if you do this consistently, what 0:24:58.240 --> 0:25:01.639 ends up happening is your spending more time talking about 0:25:01.640 --> 0:25:04.960 the mistakes and flaws and spending less time talking about 0:25:04.960 --> 0:25:07.680 your successes. No, I'm not telling you to be arrogant 0:25:07.760 --> 0:25:09.800