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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what.

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Speaker 2: They mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners.

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Speaker 2: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great

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Speaker 2: to have you here. Back for another episode. Welcome to

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Speaker 2: the Twelve Days of Guests this December. Today we have

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Speaker 2: on such a fabulous guest. I'm so excited and honestly,

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Speaker 2: the origins of this friendship, the origins of this episode

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Speaker 2: are kind of amazing, and I think really sure, like

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Speaker 2: the power of the Internet TIF bearer. You would know

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Speaker 2: her from Streethearts and ways see. Maybe you saw her

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Speaker 2: on The True Baramore Show, you see her on TikTok.

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Speaker 2: She's the queen of confidence and we're obsessed with her.

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Speaker 2: Welcome tip.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. I know I've

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Speaker 3: told you before, but I am your biggest fan. So

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Speaker 3: I've been listening to this podcast for like the last

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Speaker 3: year and it's helped me through some dark nights. So

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Speaker 3: I'm so happy to be here.

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Speaker 2: Wasn't it like the episode that I did on anxiety and.

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Speaker 3: You were like, yeah, I still probably listened to that

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Speaker 3: once a month, with that one night where I have

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Speaker 3: too many espresso martinis. I always listened to that. I'm like,

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Speaker 3: it's okay, like it's all gabba gamma.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, you know it's all gly to me.

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Speaker 2: Gabba Gabba gabba. That is so funny. You definitely have

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Speaker 2: listened to that episode. I need to listen to that

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Speaker 2: episode probably a little bit more, because I was like,

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Speaker 2: I went out me of the night and then I

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Speaker 2: like woke up the next morning and I was like,

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Speaker 2: everyone hates me and I have no friends. And I'm

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Speaker 2: sure you felt that.

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Speaker 3: And can we talk about how like as you get

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Speaker 3: in your later twenties, like I'm twenty six, but when

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Speaker 3: I was twenty one, I never had anxiety and like

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Speaker 3: now I'm like, oh my, it'll lasts like five days.

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Speaker 2: Y'all last five days. You're like, honestly, it's this weird

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Speaker 2: thing where I think it's like you have more to lose.

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Speaker 2: You're not like just like wowd crazy party girl, which

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Speaker 2: is like kind of what I was at like twenty

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Speaker 2: twenty one. Now you're like, oh, like what I say

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Speaker 2: actually means something. I think it's like that frontal lobe

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Speaker 2: developing and being like my actions have consequences, and so

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Speaker 2: then you get like more intense feelings towards your anxiety.

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Speaker 2: But then also your body just can't take the drinks

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Speaker 2: as well as it used to, right.

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Speaker 3: It cannot take it as well, you know, like I

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Speaker 3: did a whole But what's great is like as you

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Speaker 3: get older, the hope is that you have like really

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Speaker 3: good friends around you. So like when you do the

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Speaker 3: apology toward the next day, they're like, Tiviany's stopping ridiculous.

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Speaker 3: You're literally fine, Like I didn't even know you drank,

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Speaker 3: And I'm like, okay, that's what I need to hear. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: So it's like you learn to surround yourself by people

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Speaker 3: that have your back just as much as we should

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Speaker 3: have our own backs.

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Speaker 2: That's actually such great advice. We've like jumped straight into it.

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Speaker 2: But I feel like I haven't even given you, like,

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Speaker 2: let's talk about it. I haven't even given you an

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Speaker 2: opportunity to tell the audience a little bit about yourself.

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Speaker 2: I know I gave you a bit of an introduction,

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Speaker 2: but in your own words, who is Ti.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I'm tif Bear. I'm in New York City,

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Speaker 3: and I've really kind of been sharing my experience of

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Speaker 3: dating and being a dating coach for like the last

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Speaker 3: three years on TikTok, which then led to me becoming

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Speaker 3: an actual dating coach on a Roku show match Me

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Speaker 3: in Miami, where I've worked with hundreds of singles. I

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Speaker 3: have a practice where I work with singles, And really

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Speaker 3: the difference between what I do and what some of

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Speaker 3: the previous matchmakers that you've seen on the CNR is

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Speaker 3: that my major thing is finding love while loving yourself. Jimma,

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Speaker 3: I don't know about you, but like in my early

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Speaker 3: twenties and even to now, it is a full struggle

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Speaker 3: bust trying to figure out how to navigate dating while

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Speaker 3: not being harsh on yourself and not blaming yourself for

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Speaker 3: your dating life not always going the way you wanted to.

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Speaker 3: So really, like the ethos of what I do is

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Speaker 3: like how to enjoy being single, how to love yourself

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Speaker 3: at the same time while putting yourself out there and

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Speaker 3: realizing that like rejection may happen, but it's not a

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Speaker 3: problem with you, it's a compatibility issue. So I help

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Speaker 3: clients really just learn, like number one, how do I

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Speaker 3: learn to love myself before going out into the dating world.

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Speaker 3: Because if you can't tell yourself like what you deserve,

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Speaker 3: build your standards, learn what actual love is for yourself,

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Speaker 3: it is very hard to find it, and it also

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Speaker 3: leads you to settling for the wrong people that may

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Speaker 3: not treat you the way you deserve and calling that love.

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Speaker 3: So we're in the business of building high standards, building

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Speaker 3: high confidence, and working through the vulnerabilities and insecurities that

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Speaker 3: I think we all have, specifically in our twenties.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, that hits home for me because I think about

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Speaker 2: people that I know who are like actively dating right now.

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Speaker 2: I think about my pau self when she was actively dating,

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Speaker 2: and how much I thought the way of the people

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Speaker 2: treated me or the decision they made about our relationship

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Speaker 2: reflected something deeper about myself. And now I realize, like

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Speaker 2: being in a really healthy relationship, I am so glad

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Speaker 2: that those people rejected me, because otherwise I wouldn't have

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Speaker 2: rejected myself, and I would have like continued to pursue

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Speaker 2: them for so long and I didn't like I deserve

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Speaker 2: so much better. But it's so interesting, like how you

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Speaker 2: don't realize that until you really start to like cultivate

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Speaker 2: your own self worth.

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Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm just to that. It's like I really

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Speaker 3: do believe that, Like rejection is redirection, Like the people

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Speaker 3: that are rejecting you are leading you to where you

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Speaker 3: need to be, Like all the no's are leading you

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Speaker 3: to your yes And like I think what you were

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Speaker 3: saying it hit me too, because it's like a lot

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Speaker 3: of times you like to reaffirm the stories we tell ourselves.

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Speaker 3: So if we say we don't deserve love, you're going

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Speaker 3: to constantly date people that make you feel unloved because

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Speaker 3: you're already telling yourself that's what you deserve. So it's

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Speaker 3: very uncomfortable to step out of that cycle of toxic

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Speaker 3: guys or people that don't give you enough, because then

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Speaker 3: you're saying, like, hey, I might I deserve but it's

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Speaker 3: going to be uncomfortable to get there because you're kind

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Speaker 3: of walking away from all you've known, and also.

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Speaker 2: You're walking away from what feels really exciting, Like the

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Speaker 2: chase feels exciting. Having someone who is like never giving

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Speaker 2: you one hundred percent feels exciting because you're like, how

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Speaker 2: do I get that one hundred percent, like I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: fucking work for it. There's something about me that I

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Speaker 2: can change, and once I figure it out, everything's gonna

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Speaker 2: be perfect. But it's so interesting because it's like it's

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Speaker 2: like what the fuck? Like sometimes I think back to

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Speaker 2: you know, that experience, to myself, and I'm like, how

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Speaker 2: like when you're in it, you don't realize that, like

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Speaker 2: that excitement that you feel is really just anxiety and

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Speaker 2: it's really just your body and your brain being like

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Speaker 2: you should know right now that you deserve better, and

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Speaker 2: with trying really hard to tell you that, Oh my.

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Speaker 3: God, it's so true. I think, like what you're saying

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Speaker 3: is so spot on. Where it's like back when I

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Speaker 3: was first experimenting with dating with my self esteem was

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Speaker 3: pretty low. I didn't meet people at the beginning who

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Speaker 3: thought I had value. I felt like I had to

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Speaker 3: prove my value. So now I'm always like, you're not

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Speaker 3: doing a PowerPoint presentation, Like your job is not to

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Speaker 3: convince or to persuade. They should already meet you knowing

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Speaker 3: your value. You know, nobody walks into like nobody wants

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Speaker 3: into Chanelle and is like, well, I know it's listed

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Speaker 3: at two thousand, but like I'm just gonna give one

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Speaker 3: hundred dollars. Is that okay? You know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: It's like you are the cashier. You're the one that's

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Speaker 3: setting the price, So don't set it for one hundred

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Speaker 3: when you know the actual value. And I think it's

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Speaker 3: very you learn that with time, I hope, and also

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Speaker 3: with realizing that like the guys that treat you like

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Speaker 3: shit at the beginning are going to treat you even

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Speaker 3: worse at the end. You cannot change treatment. You can

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Speaker 3: only change who's in your life. You know, if it

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Speaker 3: starts bad typically, I mean I can't say like one

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Speaker 3: hundred percent, but if someone's already not treating you with

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Speaker 3: respect or the right way, it ninety nine percent doesn't

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Speaker 3: get better, you know what I mean. You want someone

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Speaker 3: that at first sight is excited about you, someone that

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Speaker 3: already is ready to meet you where you are and

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Speaker 3: knows your value without you having to prove anything.

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Speaker 2: Additionally, you know ninety nine percent of those relationships end.

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Speaker 2: But I saw this thing the other day that was like,

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Speaker 2: with the love of your life really treat you that way?

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Speaker 2: Is that really? Like this story you want to tell

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Speaker 2: your kids, like, oh, when your daddy and I first met,

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Speaker 2: Like he like ghosted me and ignored me, and like

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Speaker 2: I used to beg him for flowers and he'd never

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Speaker 2: give them to me, Like what a cute story. Kids,

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Speaker 2: Like he.

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Speaker 3: Had a roster of like three girlfriends I don't know,

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Speaker 3: but like he would text me sometimes the four am,

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Speaker 3: and I thought it was dromantic.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, or like you know, he like told me that

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Speaker 2: he was sleeping with other people and I just was like,

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Speaker 2: all right, he'll change his mind, and then he did,

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Speaker 2: and now I'm so happy. It's like, is that really

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Speaker 2: how the love of your life would treat you if

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Speaker 2: they don't know like from the get go, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I don't think that they like suddenly become more aware.

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Speaker 3: Well you know, Jim, I think the biggest thing that

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Speaker 3: allows us to make these red flags green is our

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Speaker 3: fear of being alone. And I think that's one thing

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Speaker 3: that I really try to encourage and something that I

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Speaker 3: work with on myself, Like it's better to be alone

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Speaker 3: right now than with someone that makes you feel lonely.

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Speaker 3: I think that's something that I learned a hard way.

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Speaker 3: When I was younger, I was like doing really casual

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Speaker 3: hookups with guys that didn't deserve me, or just going

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Speaker 3: filling my time to not feel alone. But what you're

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Speaker 3: actually doing in the long run is going to make

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Speaker 3: you more alone longer because you're not creating space for

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Speaker 3: the right people. You're like basically putting bad boy band

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Speaker 3: aids across your journey and you're not leaving space or

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Speaker 3: some of that actually deserves you. So the biggest thing

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Speaker 3: that I've done and have really focused on, if it's

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Speaker 3: not one hundred percent what I want or what I deserve,

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to just be like, oh, well, it's

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Speaker 3: Saturday night, I had nothing to do. Let me like

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Speaker 3: go get a free dinner with a cue guy, because

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Speaker 3: I already know that that's wasting my time. Of what

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Speaker 3: my goals are now, there's so many different goals. Like

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Speaker 3: if that's what you want, absolutely go out and do it.

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Speaker 3: Like I think the biggest thing, we all own our

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Speaker 3: own dating stories, and you know, monogamy is not for everybody.

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Speaker 3: If you want a dat a million people, go ahead,

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Speaker 3: do things that make you feel good, but make sure

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Speaker 3: that you're doing it to add to your confidence, to

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Speaker 3: add to what you really want, and not just something

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Speaker 3: to distract you from the fear of being alone because

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Speaker 3: I hope that everyone starts to learn that being alone

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Speaker 3: is a beautiful thing, Like being alone with yourself is

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Speaker 3: the best company.

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Speaker 2: Like what, oh my god, solitude is sacred. I always

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Speaker 2: say that on this show, and I love that. I

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Speaker 2: know solitude is so sacred. And not only that, like

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Speaker 2: either relationship, be happy with yourself is the most important one.

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Speaker 2: It's the only one that lasts your whole life. So

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Speaker 2: it's so interesting that we don't take time to really

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Speaker 2: cultivate it. You said something though, that I think that

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Speaker 2: I really want to talk about today. If you are

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Speaker 2: familiar with TIFFs content, the thing that I love about

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Speaker 2: you is how like unapologetically yourself you are. You Like

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Speaker 2: it's like this this aura of confidence that I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of people are like, like I freaking want that,

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Speaker 2: Like I want to knock give a fuck what people

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Speaker 2: have to say. It just like can view the sense

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Speaker 2: like this. It's just this charm. It's like so refreshing.

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Speaker 2: Have you always been like that? Have you always been

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Speaker 2: this like confident, bubbly person.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely not. I think the biggest thing when I was

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Speaker 3: growing up, I was bullied really badly, Like probably since

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Speaker 3: I can remember, I remember like since kindergarten being called

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Speaker 3: the fat girl like and it was always very isolating.

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Speaker 3: And then I was like, okay, well, what's my social

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Speaker 3: capital going to be? Let me just be funny or

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Speaker 3: like really I had to build It's this really crazy

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Speaker 3: thing when you get bullied when you're young, you start

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Speaker 3: strategizing how to not get bullied. And for me, I

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Speaker 3: was like, well, if I'm funny, if I talked to

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Speaker 3: everybody I can, I can kind of fit in, right,

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Speaker 3: But for my whole life until about twenty eighteen to twenty,

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Speaker 3: it was about fitting in. I wanted to fit in,

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Speaker 3: and I was trying to squeeze into this smaller version

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Speaker 3: of myself and it was very uncomfortable. Because I started

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Speaker 3: I kind of got to the point where it was like,

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Speaker 3: I'm never going to be anybody else's idea of me.

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Speaker 3: I'm never gonna be good enough for other people's standards,

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Speaker 3: so I have to create my own standard. And it

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Speaker 3: was this very freeing moment where I was like, okay,

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Speaker 3: they're like okay, so the biggest thing now, like all

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Speaker 3: my wheels are turning. What really set me free when

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Speaker 3: it came to my confidence was relativity. Was understanding that

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Speaker 3: there's not one way to be that that there's not

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Speaker 3: one opinion that sets your worth. Like, you can have

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Speaker 3: ten guys in a room, and one of them will

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Speaker 3: think you're hot, one of them will think you're ugly,

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Speaker 3: one of them thinks you like a stove lasagna, one

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Speaker 3: of them thinks you like a honey baked tam one

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Speaker 3: of if you thinks you're miss America. Right. So, once

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Speaker 3: you understand that, you're like, why the fuck am I

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Speaker 3: can I curse on here? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: You can?

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Speaker 3: Oh, Okay, I'm like, I'm like, why am I chasing

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Speaker 3: all these other people's standards? Because then you're just wasting

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Speaker 3: your fumes, You're wasting your energy chasing all these things,

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Speaker 3: and then you don't know what you really want. So finally,

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Speaker 3: after just being like, Okay, well I don't fit into

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Speaker 3: this bubble, I don't fit into that bubble. I'm never

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Speaker 3: gonna be this, I'm never gonna be that, let me

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Speaker 3: like what do I want to be? And from there

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Speaker 3: I've started this journey of just really exploring what I want.

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Speaker 3: And I think the key thing, the key to confidence

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Speaker 3: is exploring at first. Confidence is not something that just

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Speaker 3: happens overnight and It's not something that lasts forever. You

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Speaker 3: have to constantly be cultivating your confidence and I call

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Speaker 3: it the confidence gym, Like you have to be lifting weights.

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Speaker 3: Like there are times like micro things that I still

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Speaker 3: struggle with. When I'm the biggest girl in my workout class,

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Speaker 3: sometimes I still want to keep my shirt on and

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Speaker 3: not wear my sport's brow and I'm like, why are

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Speaker 3: you doing that? Is it because you really don't want

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Speaker 3: to do that? Are you scared people are going to

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Speaker 3: judge you? And then sometimes I'm like, Oh, I'm at

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Speaker 3: this gala with billionaires and here I am like the

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Speaker 3: trashy girl shaken ass. I'm like, I'm like, am I

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Speaker 3: going to like pretend that my name is Tiffany Wellington

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Speaker 3: the twelve? Or am I just going to show up

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Speaker 3: and be proud of who I am? So, you know,

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Speaker 3: I think the thing is is that never let other

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Speaker 3: people's labels define you. And also, you can't the biggest.

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Speaker 3: There's this great quote that I really hold on to

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Speaker 3: a lot of time is no one can make you

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Speaker 3: feel inferior without your consent. So when it comes to

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Speaker 3: being confident, a million people might have opinions of you,

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Speaker 3: but the only one that truly matters is your own.

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Speaker 3: And at the end of the day, it's a simple question,

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Speaker 3: are you going to let other people stop you from

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Speaker 3: living the life that you want? Are you gonna let

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Speaker 3: opinions stop you from being you? And it's either a

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Speaker 3: yes or no question. And once you finally face the

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Speaker 3: fear of realizing, like they just have opinions, opinions aren't

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Speaker 3: going to kill you. Like I get hate comments all

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Speaker 3: the time I've had an article, I have had threads

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Speaker 3: of people saying how ugly I am. I'm still out

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Speaker 3: here and I'm still having fun, and I actually feel

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Speaker 3: more confident because once it's almost like, once you face

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Speaker 3: your fear of being ridiculed for your size or for

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Speaker 3: your thoughts or whatever it is, you can't hate someone

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Speaker 3: that's putting themselves out there and that it's better to

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Speaker 3: be on the court playing the game than being that

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Speaker 3: it's better to be on the court playing the game

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Speaker 3: than observing and talking shit. Those that don't do talk shit,

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Speaker 3: So be someone that does, and mind your business and

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Speaker 3: be the best version of yourself, and then you don't

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Speaker 3: care what people are saying, because at least you're doing

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Speaker 3: the things that you were born to do and that

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Speaker 3: you love to do.

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Speaker 2: I love that. That's like the pep talk that I

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Speaker 2: honestly needed today.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm like getting hyped doun.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, let's go and come to our talk. I'm

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Speaker 2: going to do one soon, like I always love to

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Speaker 2: do it. I honestly like totally agree with that. The

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Speaker 2: quote that always like sticks out to me is like,

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Speaker 2: you are never going to be criticized by someone who

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Speaker 2: was doing better than you. The people who are going

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Speaker 2: to criticize you are always the ones who and if

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Speaker 2: you think about it from your own perspective, like we

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Speaker 2: all judge people at times, like we all sometimes like

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Speaker 2: have bad thoughts about people that we see in the street.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to promise you, like ninety nine percent of

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Speaker 2: the time that you have a negative judgmental thought about

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Speaker 2: someone else, that is you projecting the feeling that you're

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Speaker 2: feeling about yourself. If you see someone you're like, why

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Speaker 2: is she wearing that? Like, oh, like she her butt

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Speaker 2: looks like kind of weird, that's because you would feel

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Speaker 2: that way, Like that's an insecurity that you feel you

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Speaker 2: would have in that outfit that you're projecting or if

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Speaker 2: you're like, oh, like you know, her makeup, like doesn't

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Speaker 2: look blended, like whatever. Ninety nine percent of the time

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Speaker 2: that comment that you want to make about someone else

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Speaker 2: is something that you feel insecure about yourself. And so

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Speaker 2: I always think about that tip when I think about

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Speaker 2: the comments that I also get. Mina often less about

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Speaker 2: my looks and more about like my opinions, which kind

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Speaker 2: of fucking hurts sometimes, but like I don't mind, but

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you know what, I get it, Like, it's

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Speaker 2: it's hard to put yourself out there, especially like online,

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Speaker 2: and not expect some people to find that like uncomfortable

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Speaker 2: because they're uncomfortable with themselves.

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Speaker 3: Hurt people, hurt people, But you know what's going to

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Speaker 3: hurt you more being afraid to be your full self. Like,

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Speaker 3: I think what's great is that as long as you're trying,

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Speaker 3: people can comment because you're doing something cool. Haters are

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Speaker 3: actually a sign that you're doing something right. Yeah, And

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Speaker 3: I think like once you're living your truth, like wearing

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Speaker 3: that crazy outfit that you like, pursuing that job that

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Speaker 3: everybody thinks is crazy to do, you really don't place

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Speaker 3: as much value on their opinions because you start building

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Speaker 3: the strength in yourself and it overrides everything. So I

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Speaker 3: think to view confidence as strength that you constantly are

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Speaker 3: building for me, Like the beginning stages of confidence are

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Speaker 3: making choices that align with who you want to be.

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Speaker 3: So even if like right now you're like, oh, I'm

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Speaker 3: really shy, I don't like myself, I feel ugly, I

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Speaker 3: don't think i'm spunny, I don't think i'm smart, you

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Speaker 3: make the list what I would recommend, Like it's just

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Speaker 3: truly a pragmatic thing that I still do is like

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Speaker 3: a confidence check in. Write everything that you hate about

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Speaker 3: yourself right now, and then you say, what would a

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Speaker 3: person do that wasn't doing that? So like, for example,

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Speaker 3: if you don't like that you always are wearing beige,

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Speaker 3: you want to wear yellow, but you're so scared in

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Speaker 3: your mind, be like, who is the type of person

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Speaker 3: that wears yet Samantha Jones? What would Samantha Jones do

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Speaker 3: in this situation? You know what I mean? So start

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Speaker 3: to embody mentally the person that could do the things

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Speaker 3: that you want to do and that are fearless. And

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Speaker 3: then I think the biggest thing that has stopped my

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Speaker 3: growth and what I've saw that has stopped a few

384
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Speaker 3: of my client's growth is that it's the fear, it's

385
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Speaker 3: not even the actual doing it. You spend so much

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Speaker 3: time in this anxiety purgatory, just like envisioning how bad

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Speaker 3: it's gonna be, but then when you actually do it,

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Speaker 3: it's not even close. It's actually like everyone, I guarantee

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Speaker 3: you if someone if you wear that yellow, you're gonna

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Speaker 3: have twenty people come up to you and be like,

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Speaker 3: oh God, you look great. You know, it's really our

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Speaker 3: heads stopping us from being the version that we want

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Speaker 3: to be a lot of the times.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's the idea of like the what if thinking,

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Speaker 2: which is like a huge sign of anxiety. If a

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Speaker 2: thought starts with what if, it's an anxious thought, and

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Speaker 2: the one that always comes up is like what if

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Speaker 2: what if people don't like me, people judge me? What

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Speaker 2: if they find me less attractive? What if they think

400
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Speaker 2: I'm too much? And then you follow that with another

401
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Speaker 2: what if? And this is how I always count of

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Speaker 2: those thoughts, So like what if that person finds me

403
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Speaker 2: less attractive because I decided to wear what I wanted

404
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Speaker 2: to wear? And then you go okay, and and then

405
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Speaker 2: what and then what what?

406
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Speaker 3: What?

407
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Speaker 2: Is the consequence of that, and then what happens after that, Well,

408
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Speaker 2: then they don't find me attractive, so they don't want

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Speaker 2: to keep dating me, and then what well, then you know,

410
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Speaker 2: we break up, and then what you find someone better?

411
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Speaker 3: Like perfect?

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Speaker 2: If you follow like an anxious thought to its like

413
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Speaker 2: logical end, you always like come out at a better solution,

414
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Speaker 2: Like you always come out at a point where you're like, actually,

415
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Speaker 2: this really doesn't matter that much, Like it really doesn't matter.

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Speaker 3: I love that Tranathon, I always follow that too, And

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Speaker 3: like on top of that, it's also just like when

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Speaker 3: you're being your full self, you're going to lose a

419
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Speaker 3: lot of people that wanted the wrong version of you,

420
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Speaker 3: and you have to be okay with that. Like, you know,

421
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Speaker 3: I've changed a lot in my middle twenties. I used

422
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Speaker 3: to be the girl that was out and about all

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Speaker 3: the time, partying all the time. And I woke up

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Speaker 3: one day and I was like, you know, I want

425
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Speaker 3: a real career, I want we real love. I want

426
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Speaker 3: to feel good about myself. I want to feel positive.

427
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Speaker 3: I just don't want to be the chaotic friend that

428
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Speaker 3: has the funny stories, Like I don't want to live

429
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Speaker 3: for the story anymore. I want to write my own story,

430
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Speaker 3: and I did lose a lot of friends, and you know,

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Speaker 3: I think one thing I really want to talk about.

432
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,160
Speaker 3: I feel like this is like probably the first place

433
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,680
Speaker 3: that I've discussed this, but it feels like the right

434
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 3: place is that just because you're confident doesn't mean that

435
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,080
Speaker 3: you're not anxious. It doesn't mean that you don't have

436
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,879
Speaker 3: crippling self doubt, it doesn't mean that you are invincible.

437
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 3: I have insane anxiety that I've struggled with for years,

438
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,760
Speaker 3: and you know, I think what gets me through all

439
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,720
Speaker 3: of these things is having these sacred things that I

440
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,480
Speaker 3: do that are just mine and it's like, whether people

441
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,600
Speaker 3: like me or not, these are the things that I

442
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,320
Speaker 3: stand for, Like, these are the things that make me

443
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,960
Speaker 3: happy to be who I am, and I think cultivating

444
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:03,200
Speaker 3: those things help you have that tenacity when other people's

445
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 3: opinions get in the way. So the way that I

446
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:10,439
Speaker 3: think is like your reason for being alive, your motivation,

447
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,000
Speaker 3: and it shouldn't be chasing likes or opinions or validation

448
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,600
Speaker 3: or men. It should be like, I want to make

449
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,760
Speaker 3: this change in the world. I want to make this

450
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,920
Speaker 3: change in myself, and I want to love that's going

451
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 3: to change me for the better. All the other stuff

452
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,360
Speaker 3: is just noise, and people can't take things from you

453
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 3: that are simply yours. And that could be something as

454
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,479
Speaker 3: small as journaling I've journaled my whole life, or reading

455
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,239
Speaker 3: these books that you start your day with, you know.

456
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 3: So the key to confidence in those small ways are

457
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,840
Speaker 3: picking things that are yours that have nothing to do

458
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 3: with anyone else, whether it's meditating or things like that,

459
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,560
Speaker 3: and really embodying that as your identity outside of the

460
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,439
Speaker 3: world's noise.

461
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,480
Speaker 2: One for me is like boxing I used to treat

462
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,560
Speaker 2: it's really interesting when I was going to talk about

463
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,199
Speaker 2: it later, but maybe we talk about it now, like

464
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,560
Speaker 2: the interactions between like exercise and confidence. Previously, it used

465
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,159
Speaker 2: to be such like a one way straight for me,

466
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:09,480
Speaker 2: which was like exercise means weight loss means more confidence.

467
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,320
Speaker 2: And now I was talking to a friend about it

468
00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,840
Speaker 2: and I was like, it's so crazy. How Like in

469
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,280
Speaker 2: the last couple of years, my relationship to exercise and

470
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,639
Speaker 2: physical activity has been more about like a way to

471
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 2: express love for my body and a way to like

472
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 2: see how my body moves and to treat it well.

473
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,639
Speaker 2: And right now I'm like obsessed with boxing. There is

474
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,920
Speaker 2: something so satisfying about like punching a bag again and again.

475
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, a jab cross baby, nothing better.

476
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, it's like it makes me feel so powerful.

477
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,919
Speaker 2: So it's like those little activities I think are amazing

478
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,879
Speaker 2: where you're like, this is just for me. I'm not

479
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:47,120
Speaker 2: trying to become like a fucking MMA fighter, Like I'm

480
00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:49,080
Speaker 2: not trying to like become an author. I'm not trying

481
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:52,080
Speaker 2: to like become a writer. Like, I'm just doing this because,

482
00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 2: like you said, no one can take something from you

483
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,640
Speaker 2: that is truly yours and that is only yours, which

484
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 2: I think is such a powerful way of putting it.

485
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know, I think what you're saying, like

486
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,400
Speaker 3: with the exercise is so beautiful because there's so many

487
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,399
Speaker 3: different ways to do it. Like when you talk about

488
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 3: confidence and size, I think there's no way to like

489
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 3: have this conversation without discussing how how we view our

490
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:21,160
Speaker 3: bodies comes to play. Some of my clients that actually

491
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,199
Speaker 3: fit the quote unquote beauty standards so perfectly have so

492
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,040
Speaker 3: much insecurity, and then some people that have different bodies

493
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 3: struggles or that you think would have different body starts

494
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,679
Speaker 3: are the most confident people in the world. But I

495
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 3: think the biggest thing is that, you know, we all

496
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:40,159
Speaker 3: have different sizes, we all have different goals, we all

497
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 3: view ourselves in different lights. But I think the biggest

498
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 3: thing that's helped my confidence again as always being perceived

499
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 3: as like the big girl and being put down for

500
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 3: it a lot. Like I really my old perception when

501
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 3: I was dating was like, oh my god, I'm so

502
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,199
Speaker 3: lucky that a guy would want to date someone in

503
00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:00,199
Speaker 3: my size. That was really how I felt, And I

504
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 3: think it's it's hard to discuss it, but I feel

505
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,679
Speaker 3: like at the same time, it's probably something that a

506
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,159
Speaker 3: lot of people, especially in their early twenties, deal with

507
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,359
Speaker 3: because you're thrown into this dating world. You don't have

508
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,120
Speaker 3: a lot of experience, and especially if you've been bullied,

509
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,879
Speaker 3: your self esteem is in the gutter. It is below

510
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,520
Speaker 3: sea level. So it's not wow, he's lucky to be

511
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 3: in my life. It's like, wow, I'm lucky to even

512
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 3: get a guy to text me at four am. I'm

513
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 3: lucky to get a guy that will make me an option.

514
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 3: But the biggest thing is like, we don't deserve just

515
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,680
Speaker 3: to be an option. We deserve to be the one.

516
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,000
Speaker 3: And the way to do that though is by setting

517
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:36,919
Speaker 3: that standard because you know, right now, I like, of

518
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,520
Speaker 3: course every day is a different day. With my confidence journey,

519
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 3: I've kind of taken my whole identity outside of what

520
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 3: I think men want me to be or what I

521
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,920
Speaker 3: think the world wants me to be. But you can't

522
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 3: deny that. Like, it's sometimes challenging when you're not really

523
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,159
Speaker 3: like how do I say this? Like back when I

524
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,240
Speaker 3: back when I was really serial dating, it was about

525
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 3: being sexy. It was all about dressing for the male gaze.

526
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,400
Speaker 3: And now I'm not really doing that. I'm wearing things

527
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 3: that make me feel sexy, so I'm not getting as

528
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:13,760
Speaker 3: much you know, attention for men in that way. Actually,

529
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 3: the last like five guys I've gone a date with,

530
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,919
Speaker 3: they like want to be business partners. I'm like, is

531
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 3: this the energy I'm getting with my power? Serious?

532
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 2: That is so funny, honestly, be like ysolte heere where

533
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:25,280
Speaker 2: we go.

534
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,480
Speaker 3: But it's again that thing where you're building that confidence

535
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 3: of being like, I don't want to draw the like

536
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,719
Speaker 3: wrong people towards me. And if I'm you know, dressing

537
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,479
Speaker 3: in a way or doing things that don't embody who

538
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,520
Speaker 3: I really am, and I'm doing this because I think

539
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,080
Speaker 3: that's what they like. That's actually hurting your confidence in

540
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,240
Speaker 3: the end, because then you're not building it from a

541
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 3: place of your own power. You're building it from a

542
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:47,120
Speaker 3: place of what you think others want.

543
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,199
Speaker 2: Well, I completely get what you mean. It's also this

544
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,960
Speaker 2: really interesting thing where it's like, especially if you as

545
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,720
Speaker 2: someone who perhaps didn't like people didn't really like show

546
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,879
Speaker 2: you that they were attracted to when you, like, you know,

547
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 2: they didn't really show you like admiration or attraction when

548
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 2: you were like in high school or even in college.

549
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,240
Speaker 2: Like I remember being in high school and like no

550
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,399
Speaker 2: one ever really like had a crush on me. No

551
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,719
Speaker 2: one really was like ever like, God, she's like attractive,

552
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 2: Like no one really like flutted with me. And you know,

553
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,400
Speaker 2: all my other friends had like boyfriends and like little

554
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,360
Speaker 2: flings and like they had that like teenage love experience,

555
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,639
Speaker 2: and I didn't really have that the same way that

556
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:31,480
Speaker 2: they did. And so then when I like went to UNI,

557
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 2: and then even when I like left Uni and moved

558
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,080
Speaker 2: to like a big city, it was like anyone who

559
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,400
Speaker 2: was willing to give me an inch was gonna get

560
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:44,320
Speaker 2: a mile from me, like I was like, yes, please,

561
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 2: I'm like a freaking foster home, like please drop off

562
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 2: your neglected male pets, like and I will, I will

563
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,960
Speaker 2: gladly take them because I'm I want intimidy and I

564
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 2: want compassion. And then it's about being like you said

565
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 2: this in terms of like showing up to your dates

566
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 2: in power suits. It was like, all right, I'm gonna

567
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,399
Speaker 2: stop thinking that, like the biggest prize here is for

568
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 2: this person to like me, and the prize is going

569
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 2: to be for me to actually like walk out of

570
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 2: that day and like myself. And I'm actually going to

571
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:13,280
Speaker 2: be thinking about whether.

572
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 3: I like this exactly, Like you need to flip it

573
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 3: to be like I am a judge on American Idol

574
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 3: and they're a contestant, Like I'm I'm here to see

575
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:21,560
Speaker 3: if they're going to make the cut.

576
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 2: Dance for me do a seeing to a dance. I

577
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,200
Speaker 2: need to be entertained.

578
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:29,960
Speaker 3: But I think a lot of people struggle, especially a

579
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 3: lot of young women. It's like you feel like you

580
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,360
Speaker 3: have to chase someone in order for them to like you.

581
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,719
Speaker 3: And I think that all comes from the places of

582
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:43,159
Speaker 3: like this crazy bullshit timeline. You know, It's like you

583
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 3: feel like you're missing out if you're not in a

584
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,680
Speaker 3: serious relationship by a twenty one or twenty two or again,

585
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 3: like you said, didn't have that high school fling. That

586
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,639
Speaker 3: timeline is so fake and it doesn't exist, and you

587
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,640
Speaker 3: can still be happy being twenty six of the nice

588
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,639
Speaker 3: little puppy and going on dates and take time. You know,

589
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 3: you don't become a surgeon after one day of class.

590
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 3: Things good things you have to work towards. Good things

591
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,480
Speaker 3: take time. And yes, there's some relationships where you're meeting

592
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,199
Speaker 3: a cute supermarket and you find a love of your

593
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 3: life and you're happily ever after. But for most of us,

594
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 3: it's going through the ups and downs of the dating apps.

595
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,919
Speaker 3: It's going putting yourself out there. But every time you

596
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 3: put yourself out there, you learn a little bit about

597
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 3: what you want and more importantly, what you don't want,

598
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 3: and the fact that you're walking away from the things

599
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 3: that you don't want or actually making you a better

600
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,560
Speaker 3: version of yourself, because every time you say no to

601
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,080
Speaker 3: things that hurt you, you're saying yes to the future

602
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 3: version of you and building a more confident version of you.

603
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I'm not screaming at you.

604
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,560
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm like, this is like really giving

605
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:51,640
Speaker 2: me a bit of a wake up cultive. I'm like overwhelmed,

606
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 2: but also like the people need to hear it. The

607
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,239
Speaker 2: people need to hear it. I honestly think that, like

608
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 2: we've spoken about this a little bit as well, but

609
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 2: sometimes we worry about the people that are going to

610
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 2: leave our lives when we start to embody confidence more.

611
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 2: And for sure that does happen, like especially people in

612
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 2: like who you're like kind of romantically invested in, who

613
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 2: are like what do you mean I can't just walk

614
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 2: all over you, like, oh god, but you will lose people. However,

615
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 2: I think that I also was like quite bullied in

616
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 2: primary school and in high school, and I've realized that

617
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 2: nothing could be as bad as that, So I've kind

618
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 2: of taught myself to like not feel embarrassment. And the

619
00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 2: moment that I stopped caring about what other people thought,

620
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 2: especially people who didn't love me, and just let myself

621
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 2: be authentic, suddenly I actually had more friends than I've

622
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 2: ever had, and I had more people wanting to be

623
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: with me. I felt like a magnet. It was kind

624
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,960
Speaker 2: of like the moment that you step into your power

625
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,720
Speaker 2: and are like, this is who I am. Either like

626
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 2: it or I'm not interested. People love that that is

627
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:04,360
Speaker 2: so freaking magnetic and powerful. Like I think confidence is

628
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,480
Speaker 2: literally like life secret hack to attracting what you want.

629
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,880
Speaker 2: Have you found that, like in not just with dating,

630
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 2: but like in your career and your friendships, et cetera.

631
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 3: My life In the last three years since I again

632
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 3: I told you, I had that epiphany that, like, I

633
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 3: need to start being the real me and not chasing

634
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 3: the things that are just temporary fixes I live. It's

635
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,360
Speaker 3: changed one hundred percent. Three years ago, I was a

636
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 3: dish twasher, a hostess, a struggling model, and then when

637
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 3: I started the TikTok journey, you know, my first few

638
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 3: videos going viral. I was shocked and I and it

639
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:38,360
Speaker 3: was a choice that I was like, am I going

640
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:42,040
Speaker 3: to leap into this totally scary, unknown world and shoot

641
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,360
Speaker 3: for something better? Am I going to stay with my

642
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 3: old ways that you know haven't done, aren't serving me anymore?

643
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 3: Am I going to stay with that group of friends

644
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,680
Speaker 3: that are not serving me anymore? Or am I going to

645
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 3: risk it all and try and the version of myself

646
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 3: that I know I could be so I've always again

647
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 3: making that even when I was in my early twenties,

648
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 3: I just loved learning about people. And I think that's

649
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:09,240
Speaker 3: like a great tip that I could give if you're

650
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 3: just starting to cultivate your confidence, If you just start

651
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 3: to open the conversation up, you'll realize that a lot

652
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 3: of people are not as scary as you built them

653
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:22,160
Speaker 3: to be in your head. And you'll also get rejected

654
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 3: in the process, which will then make you realize that

655
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,240
Speaker 3: rejection is not going to kill you. Bib. You know,

656
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 3: it's actually it's like exposure therapy. Like when you go

657
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 3: get your latte, rather than having your headphones on and

658
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 3: being like, you know, I'm scared, like that haparista, I

659
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:40,160
Speaker 3: don't know what to say. Say hey, be like, hey,

660
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,680
Speaker 3: thank you so much, this latte art is amazing, and

661
00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:44,959
Speaker 3: then he'll end up talking about his dog or you know,

662
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,760
Speaker 3: you'll start chatting, and I think realizing that like again,

663
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,560
Speaker 3: you're on the same page as everyone else. There's no

664
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,720
Speaker 3: one better than you, and there's no one less than you,

665
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 3: and treat people with that same respect will gravitate that

666
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 3: same respect towards you. I think a lot of times

667
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 3: it's very easy and I did this too, where like

668
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,320
Speaker 3: you know the cool girl syndrome where all those you know,

669
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 3: you see these tictotrins of these girls. Especially now and

670
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,600
Speaker 3: now it is harder than ever to be confident because

671
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 3: you're seeing the illusion of digital confidence that may not

672
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 3: exist behind the screen. So I want everyone that is

673
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 3: in taking content to please keep that in mind. You

674
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:25,840
Speaker 3: know that girl that's walking in the street as confident,

675
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 3: you don't know who that really is. It's a fifteen

676
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 3: second video and you can't build confidence in fifteen seconds,

677
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 3: and anyone that's going to tell you that is lying.

678
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 3: So the thing is how you start to build it

679
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 3: over time. That's the thing. Give it time, Start talking

680
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 3: to people, start being like, I have a story that

681
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 3: I want to share, and I also want to hear

682
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:46,880
Speaker 3: other people's stories too, And then it builds this beautiful

683
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 3: chemistry that then you walk through life not as someone

684
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:54,680
Speaker 3: proving but someone that's curious. And then again simple tip,

685
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,960
Speaker 3: people love to talk about themselves. You open that door

686
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 3: and you're gonna make friends with everybody. And again, once

687
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 3: you start talking to people, you're gonna realize like, I'm

688
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 3: interesting too. So it starts. There's a lot of work

689
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 3: that you do behind the scenes, right, like journaling your insecurities,

690
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 3: like saying this is what I'm struggling with. I don't

691
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:16,719
Speaker 3: like how this looks, or I don't like how I

692
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,400
Speaker 3: say this. This is a lot of times we're hypercritical

693
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 3: over ourselves and nobody notices these things anyway. But the

694
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 3: second thing I would say, do a friend audit. If

695
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 3: you have friends in your life that are talking down

696
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,120
Speaker 3: to you, making you feel like shit, are being like,

697
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 3: oh are you gonna wear something like that? Cut cancels

698
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:35,800
Speaker 3: a lead that is truly poisonous for your confidence journey.

699
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 3: So do a friend audit, and then be very open

700
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,760
Speaker 3: about putting yourself out there and putting yourself into new experiences.

701
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,080
Speaker 3: The things that scary you, you should go towards a

702
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 3: little bit more, especially if it's like new activities, new friends,

703
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,440
Speaker 3: like join that kickball league, join a pottery class, write

704
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,959
Speaker 3: that fucking play, you know, the things that you've been

705
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,080
Speaker 3: putting off because you're too scared to do. Just start today,

706
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 3: one hour, you know.

707
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 2: Five, five, whatever, Literally just do it. Just do it.

708
00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 3: Sponsored by Nike.

709
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, sponsored by Nike, Just kidding. The other thing I

710
00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 2: always think about, which is more like this is like

711
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,719
Speaker 2: a mental I don't know if you do this as well,

712
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:15,719
Speaker 2: but it's like a mental exercise. When I used to

713
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:17,879
Speaker 2: like walk into a first date, when I'd walk and

714
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:20,360
Speaker 2: when I now walk into like a room of new people,

715
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 2: I imagine this like big golden bubble around me, and every

716
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,239
Speaker 2: time I breathe, it like comes out of my heart

717
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,120
Speaker 2: and it's like this big literary bubble that everyone else

718
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 2: can see. And I'm just like I'm just expelling this

719
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 2: like insane magnetic confidence, like this confident force and that

720
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:47,120
Speaker 2: like visualization of myself as this like magnetic golden sparkling

721
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 2: orb is so powerful and like just changing how I

722
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:54,320
Speaker 2: hold myself and the energy I give off and people

723
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 2: respond to your energy. If that's why like fake it

724
00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 2: to make it so correct, like cycle, because people are

725
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,799
Speaker 2: going to mirror your behavior back to you. If you

726
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:05,719
Speaker 2: are telling them to treat you in a certain way.

727
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,319
Speaker 2: I eat as someone who is a confident person, they

728
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:11,200
Speaker 2: will do that. That's the only thing they have to

729
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:13,319
Speaker 2: go off is how the version of yourself you choose

730
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 2: to put out.

731
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:15,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a quote. In order to in order to

732
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,799
Speaker 3: in order to be successful, you must present an image

733
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 3: of success at all times, right, that was like a

734
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 3: business thing that I heard, because you know, I think

735
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 3: it's very scary in our twenties because it's like we

736
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:28,239
Speaker 3: kind of don't know what the fuck we're doing, and

737
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,480
Speaker 3: we're supposed to have all this pressure to be like, oh,

738
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:32,960
Speaker 3: I'm going to get an A in my university and

739
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:34,440
Speaker 3: I'm going to go to this college and I'm going

740
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 3: to get be a CEO by twenty nine, you know

741
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:39,680
Speaker 3: all that stuff, right, But I think the key thing,

742
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,960
Speaker 3: especially like if we want to like specifically target energy

743
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 3: and business and growing that side of yourself, be prepared.

744
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:52,240
Speaker 3: And I think that's it in everything, Like I don't

745
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 3: drink anytime i'm before, Like I will never drink before

746
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:58,880
Speaker 3: I'm filming the next day because I know that my

747
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,959
Speaker 3: energy will be impacted by a hangover. So the things

748
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 3: that you really want in life, if you're given the opportunity,

749
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 3: you have to make sure that you're ready. So that confidence,

750
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:11,040
Speaker 3: of course is a muscle that you build, but also

751
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 3: there's micro habits that you can make that directly impact

752
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,200
Speaker 3: your confidence. You're not going to be confident if you're

753
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 3: fifteen minutes late for the meeting you literally have a

754
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 3: hangover from hell, you're you don't know, you didn't even

755
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,120
Speaker 3: read what this conversation is about. So fake it till

756
00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,040
Speaker 3: you make it. Be prepared to fake it, you know

757
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 3: what I mean, Like have the preparation done. And I

758
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 3: think that's also really important when it comes to like

759
00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 3: your personal life too, where it's like, if you're going

760
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 3: into a date, it's very easy just to like be

761
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 3: just just scared of the situation, you know what I mean,

762
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 3: and just like fall back into old habits. But like, again,

763
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,600
Speaker 3: what you're saying about that energy, Like I love how

764
00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 3: you visualize that, and I think it's so real and

765
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 3: the biggest thing that I've noticed in my life now

766
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,400
Speaker 3: that I've started to respect myself, people respect me. So

767
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 3: when I was like either getting like sloppy drunk on

768
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:12,200
Speaker 3: a first date or like kind of being all over

769
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 3: the place in my work, you know all this stuff.

770
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 3: Find out what giving your self respect looks like. I

771
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 3: can't tell you what that is, only you can know

772
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,399
Speaker 3: what that is. But I know that all of us

773
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 3: intuitively know what respect looks like to ourselves, like, and

774
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, while I give this advice, also know

775
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,120
Speaker 3: that it's such a fluid journey, and do not be

776
00:37:33,239 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 3: overly rigid, Like you could be a CEO in the

777
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:38,080
Speaker 3: morning and kill a meeting, go on a date, go

778
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:40,560
Speaker 3: get drunk in order like taco bell the next day,

779
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:45,040
Speaker 3: like it's okay, But like also know like your higher goals,

780
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 3: so know that growth. My growth has been very fucking messy,

781
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 3: And I still don't have all the answers, but I

782
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 3: think you can't. You don't lose if you don't quit.

783
00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:59,440
Speaker 3: And like I have a lot of journeys that I'm

784
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 3: still working with it with my confidence and with who

785
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 3: I want to be, but I just know that, like

786
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 3: I'd rather chase the dream than chase the wrong things

787
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:10,720
Speaker 3: that I know it don't serve me anymore.

788
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 2: I think the things that we've talked about are really

789
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 2: valuable for not just people like you, just people in

790
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 2: their twenties, right, especially like women in their twenties, because

791
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 2: this is everyone wants to be confident, everyone wants to

792
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:32,759
Speaker 2: have like these amazing relationships and whatnot, but like it's

793
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,440
Speaker 2: a lot harder to do it, and like having a

794
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 2: bit of a sense of like how you can go

795
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:41,319
Speaker 2: about that just by by controlling something that is very

796
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,160
Speaker 2: much completely in your control, like your confidence levels, is

797
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,879
Speaker 2: like super super valuable. So I want to say thank

798
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 2: you so much for coming on this show. Thank you

799
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:53,800
Speaker 2: so much for finding time to chat. It was honestly

800
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 2: in lining for me. I feel inspired. I feel like

801
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go out and buy that this like outfit

802
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 2: that I really wanted to buy. Yes, I would wear that.

803
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 2: I'm going to. I'm going to. I'll wear it when

804
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,120
Speaker 2: I see you. I'll wear it out for donning with you.

805
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 2: We look like hot. So thank you so much.

806
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. Genma. You're a bright light

807
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:14,320
Speaker 3: to the world and you're helping all of us navigat

808
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 3: our twenties. So I'm so grateful for you and thank

809
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 3: you for having me.

810
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 2: God, look at this positivity circle here. Also, if you

811
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:24,840
Speaker 2: are not following tip, what are you doing? What are

812
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 2: you doing? Come on? She's so funny. She is just

813
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:33,879
Speaker 2: like hilarious, confident, magnetic. She posts so many like good

814
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:37,920
Speaker 2: little nuggets of information and also just like really like

815
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:42,279
Speaker 2: high quality content. You obviously do Streethearts NYC, which is

816
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 2: like your matchmaking show. You post tips for people who

817
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 2: want to model. You just post like New York tips,

818
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,000
Speaker 2: anything that you need. She's a big sister she's your

819
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,840
Speaker 2: New York big sister, she's your confidence big sister. So

820
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 2: go and give her go and give her a follow,

821
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,399
Speaker 2: and as always, if you enjoy the podcast, please feel

822
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,160
Speaker 2: free to give a five star review. Wherever you are

823
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 2: listening right now. Make sure that you're following so that

824
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:09,360
Speaker 2: you know when new episodes are coming out. If you

825
00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:13,279
Speaker 2: have an episode suggestion, please follow us at that Psychology

826
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:16,160
Speaker 2: podcast or just follow us because you want to, because

827
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:21,839
Speaker 2: we share behind the scenes, video content, anything, everything over

828
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 2: on that platform. So it was so great to have

829
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,479
Speaker 2: you here, and as always, we will be back next

830
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,480
Speaker 2: week with another episode.