1 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 1: Today, we're discussing a topic that affects many people, but 2 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 1: it's still often misunderstood and stigmatized suicide. Suicide is a 3 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: complex and multi facet issue that can have devastating consequences 4 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,680 Speaker 1: for individuals, families, and communities. But while suicide can be 5 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: a difficult and uncomfortable topic to discuss, it's also one 6 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: that deserves our attention and compassion. Today we're speaking with 7 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,080 Speaker 1: a special guest who has first had experience with suicide, 8 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: mental health struggles, and resilience. She will share her personal 9 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: story of surviving suicide twice, discussing the importance of mental 10 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,559 Speaker 1: health awareness and support, and offering insights and advice for 11 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: others who may be struggling. So to my guests, how 12 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: are you doing, How you feeling? 13 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 2: I'm good, I'm excited to be here, just happy, honestly. 14 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, listen y'all. My guess she's a superhero. She's 15 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: at her staying in the world, one person at a time. 16 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 1: So I'm super excited to have you on the shelves. 17 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 1: So thank you so much for joining us. Of course, 18 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 1: so I can imagine that sharing your personal story can 19 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,480 Speaker 1: be difficult. How challenging has it been for you to 20 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: open up about your experiences and share them with others, 21 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: to be very truthful. 22 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,960 Speaker 2: It's honestly, okay, I'm happy that you asked this question. 23 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,119 Speaker 2: This is an initial question. I had an experience yesterday 24 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 2: where I was preparing for a speech and doing a 25 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 2: lot of practicing and writing and timing all those things 26 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,200 Speaker 2: that go into it, and I got emotional. And that's 27 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:42,199 Speaker 2: the first time that that's happened in an extremely long time. Wow. 28 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,720 Speaker 2: And it was really more so because I was thinking 29 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 2: about all those individuals that are currently in the position 30 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 2: that I was in, say, eight to nine years ago. 31 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 2: So the story isn't difficult to tell now. I had 32 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 2: to get to a space in my healing journy anywhere 33 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 2: it was comfortable and I was okay with being this transparent. 34 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 2: But the times that it gets emotional isn't necessarily for myself, 35 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 2: but just kind of empathizing with the individuals that are 36 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 2: going through those challenges at that time. 37 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, that has to be like difficult and really hard. 38 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 1: I can only imagine just hearing somebody else story and 39 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: I just be like, damn, like I just wish I 40 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 1: could just take it all away from you. Yeah, for sure, 41 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: what do you believe are some of the factors that 42 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:32,000 Speaker 1: contribute to higher rates of suicide within our community? 43 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 2: Oh? Man, what doesn't right? 44 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, when I was thinking about this question, I was like, 45 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: I feel like just being black in America. 46 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 2: Is like you can break us, right, It's definitely a lot. 47 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 2: I mean, the first being environmental honestly, so the areas 48 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,360 Speaker 2: that and I don't want to say this is if 49 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 2: our entire community lives in this manner, but being realistic, 50 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 2: is that financial hardship, not growing up in full family homes, 51 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 2: but a lot of different things violence, you know what 52 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: I mean, There's a lot of different things that are 53 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 2: going on that affect us. And then seeing violence on 54 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 2: TV against our community, on social media, on social media, 55 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 2: against our community every day is very much so impactful. 56 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,239 Speaker 2: But bigger than that lack of resources, lack of education, 57 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 2: and lack of understanding and research for our actual community 58 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 2: and out ye lack of support. But how those outside 59 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,280 Speaker 2: forces are affecting those numbers. So there's a lack of 60 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 2: research is why we can't even answer this question. We know, 61 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 2: but people aren't able to help us because they're not 62 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 2: necessarily putting us in those numbers of what is making 63 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 2: us more vulnerable. 64 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good point. When I was doing research 65 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 1: on this, somebody said that lack of representation within this 66 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 1: and I was like, Yo, that's so serious, because in 67 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: our community is so like taboo. 68 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 2: Yes, very much. 69 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: Why do you think some people believe that asking someone 70 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: about their suicidal thoughts or intentions could actually lead to 71 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 1: them considering or attempting suicide rather than providing the opportunity 72 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: for support and intervention. 73 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 2: I think it's based on fear on the other person's side, 74 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 2: so not knowing how to react if that person were 75 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 2: to say yes. So going back to stigma again, it's 76 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 2: just like, if we don't have understanding of how to 77 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 2: support somebody, if that answer order come back, it's easier 78 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 2: for us to say, you know what, I'm not going 79 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 2: to ask it at all. Right, So it's very easy 80 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 2: to simply not ask it again, and then to take 81 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 2: on the idea and to take on the false idea 82 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,840 Speaker 2: that you're actually implanting that idea into somebody's head or 83 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 2: putting that thought into somebody's head, when it's the exact opposite. 84 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 1: Just like you said, what would you say? Are some 85 00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 1: common misconceptions about this? 86 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,719 Speaker 2: Oh, man, that it's selfish. I would say that's the 87 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:10,720 Speaker 2: biggest one. Another misconception is that it is. 88 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: Only young people do it. 89 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, and only others do it, that black people don't. Right, 90 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,039 Speaker 2: There are a lot, but I would definitely say the 91 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 2: biggest one I hear is it's selfish and I didn't 92 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 2: know the science. 93 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 1: How do you feel about that when people say that 94 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: it's selfish? Because I had a conversation with another guest 95 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 1: and her father committed suicide, and then she gave a 96 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: two part question on how she felt about it before 97 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,480 Speaker 1: and now being able to, you know, since she experienced 98 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: it afterwards. So how do you feel about it when 99 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 1: people say it's a selfish decision? 100 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 2: I can understand it. And I know a lot of 101 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,919 Speaker 2: people talk out of grief and out of pain, and 102 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 2: everybody experiences things differently. And that's honestly not even just 103 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 2: with suicide. Anytime that we lose something, lose somebody, it's 104 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 2: always a space of Okay, well, that was selfish in 105 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 2: a way of how this happened. They took this from me, 106 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 2: something was taken for me, right, So I don't take 107 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,720 Speaker 2: offense to it. It's just an opportunity to educate and 108 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 2: to have that conversation and to move past it. So 109 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,839 Speaker 2: I don't necessarily like get angry about it. It's just like, Okay, 110 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 2: well that's perfectly fine that you feel that way, but 111 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 2: let's talk about it. How can we help shape and 112 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,279 Speaker 2: change the narrative. 113 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,040 Speaker 1: I feel like you a real patient person. 114 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 2: I am. 115 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 1: I can say a lot, like for somebody to piss 116 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: you off, they gotta be od. 117 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 2: And on you. Yeah. 118 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, like you probably be like, no, this is how 119 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 1: it's happened. It does not happen like. 120 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 2: This, Like there is another side, so you know, it 121 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 2: does take a lot for that to come out. It's funny. 122 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: I was in therapy years ago when I first started 123 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 2: in my early twenties, and I used to have a 124 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 2: lot of anger issues and challenges, and I was telling 125 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 2: my therapist it's like a dream I had about fighting 126 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:08,280 Speaker 2: somebody you I did, And she was like, I didn't 127 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,880 Speaker 2: know that this was something that we needed to work on. 128 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 2: She's like, you just I never got that for me. 129 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 2: I'm like, yeah, I have, I can get there. Oh 130 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 2: it's a lot better, but that is definitely a side. 131 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 2: Let me find that you got them, hand child, So 132 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 2: what were your initial thoughts when news of the pandemic 133 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 2: first emerged and it became clear that the outbreak had 134 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 2: the potential to become a global health crisis. I think 135 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 2: that my initial reaction one was how scary it was 136 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 2: going to be for just the world, our community and 137 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 2: what was ahead, which was essentially having to take a 138 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 2: step back and look at ourselves. I recognized the I'm 139 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 2: not going to say danger, but the challenge of sitting 140 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 2: with ourselves in silence, which is really essentially what everybody 141 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 2: was forced to do. So everybody was forced on this 142 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: healing journey instead of you know, filling ourselves. There's only 143 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 2: so much Netflix you can watch, There's only so much 144 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 2: Hulu that you can watch until it get exactly until 145 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 2: you're just like, oh, I'm stuck with myself and all 146 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 2: these things start to surface. So I was nervous about that. 147 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 2: But on a personal note, in my initial healing journey 148 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,760 Speaker 2: that started a while back, that was tough for me 149 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 2: being with Page and it was like, oh, I have 150 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 2: to face all of these things. So it was just 151 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 2: it was I found it to be interesting, and I 152 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: was scared. I was sad, and then just the uncertainty 153 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:45,439 Speaker 2: of it all was definitely anxiety, proroking, so a range 154 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 2: of emotions, but nothing about it was like, oh this 155 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 2: is exciting, Like right, yeah. 156 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: That's my next question. How did the pandemic affect your 157 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: mental health? 158 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 2: It was quite the opposite for me, Like I like 159 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 2: being to myself, but it forced me to develop skills 160 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 2: that I did not have prior to. And I'm speaking 161 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 2: like in my career, I loved doing speaking engagements, I 162 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,440 Speaker 2: loved doing workshops that I enjoy being in person, so 163 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,360 Speaker 2: being forced to do it on zoom was totally different. 164 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 2: So I had to step up my personality via camera 165 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 2: and I'm like, I'm camera shy, So that was really 166 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 2: really hard career wise. But as far as like mentally, 167 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 2: I had already been in therapy, I had already built 168 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 2: out a pretty strong support system, so it just strengthened. 169 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,319 Speaker 2: If anything else, it was like, Okay, I know how 170 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 2: to handle isolation, I know how to reach out for 171 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,719 Speaker 2: resources and things like that. So I'm not going to 172 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 2: say it didn't impact me, but it wasn't detrimental whatsoever. 173 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: When did you become aware of the increases in suicide 174 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: race during the pandemic and what were your thoughts on it. 175 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 2: I mean, I think that it just I won't say 176 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 2: it just happened, but the need for crisis intervention increased, 177 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 2: the need for workshops increase, so just the need for 178 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 2: mental health services increase. So that was probably my initial instinct. 179 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 2: But again, recognizing what was ahead was definitely like a 180 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 2: red flag, like, hey, something's about to kind of surface 181 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 2: for sure. 182 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,319 Speaker 1: Because I definitely feel like the race went up even 183 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: more during the pandemic. 184 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I don't know the exact number, but yeah. 185 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,680 Speaker 1: And do you think that mental health and suicide race 186 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: were discussed enough in the media during a pandemic. 187 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:51,080 Speaker 2: I'm not really a TV girl, so sin Crop will say, yeah, 188 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 2: I don't. I don't know. I think it was a 189 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,280 Speaker 2: I'll talk like as far as youth, I think it 190 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 2: brought about a conversation of what's better for our kids 191 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 2: to stay home or to go back to school, Like 192 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 2: what's going to be better for them emotionally, socially, and 193 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 2: things like that. So I do believe that a lot 194 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 2: of conversations were brought to light that I appreciated, such 195 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 2: as sending kids home without knowing what their home life 196 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 2: was like and putting them back in situations where school 197 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:28,319 Speaker 2: essentially was their safe event. So as far as my 198 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 2: understanding of it, it was a little bit different because 199 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:34,840 Speaker 2: I worked in the school system. So again, when you 200 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 2: ask that original question of what were my initial thoughts 201 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 2: and the pandemic first happened, it definitely went out to 202 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,719 Speaker 2: like my babies, like the kids that I was working with. 203 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,679 Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely feel like I mean, everyone was affected 204 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: by the pandemic, but I feel like the kids were 205 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 1: affected the most. 206 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 2: Mm hm for sure. For sure, Yeah, I absolutely agree 207 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 2: mm hm. 208 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: And do you think that the long term effects of 209 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 1: the pandem might still be affecting everyone's mental health and 210 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 1: if so, what can we do about it. 211 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,960 Speaker 2: I'm definitely going to be a long term effect. I 212 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,320 Speaker 2: think that us being isolated and being forced to be 213 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:20,959 Speaker 2: with ourselves was necessary because it kind of brought mental 214 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,080 Speaker 2: health to the frontline. It was a buzzing topic and 215 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,080 Speaker 2: it was a buzzing conversation. But once it hit I 216 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 2: think everybody finally recognized, hey, we all have mental health. 217 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 2: There's a difference between mental health and mental illness, and 218 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,960 Speaker 2: I think that's an important thing to talk about and 219 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 2: to bring about. So, yeah, what was your second part 220 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 2: for the question? 221 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,199 Speaker 1: So, what do you think we can do about it? 222 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 2: I think we can essentially practice being proactive with our 223 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 2: mental health, so implementing different coping skills such as meditation, journaling, 224 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,599 Speaker 2: those basic things that we can apply in our everyday lifestyle, 225 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,040 Speaker 2: learning those reading exercises, being paractive with our mental health, 226 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 2: which is my hole motto, is essentially preparing for what 227 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,199 Speaker 2: could come and having those skills that they do get worse. 228 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:14,559 Speaker 2: So I think everybody flocking to therapy, everybody flocking to 229 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 2: resources was very powerful because now we're equipping ourselves for 230 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 2: what could be long term. So I'm I'm a realist, 231 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 2: so I'm not going to be like, oh, it was 232 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: such a great thing, but I do believe that there 233 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 2: are a lot of positives that came out of it. 234 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 2: It became very action oriented instead of just the conversation. 235 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,640 Speaker 1: Now, were you familiar with the concept of suicide before 236 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 1: your first attempt? And then so, how did you know 237 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: about it? 238 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,880 Speaker 2: I was not. I had no idea. I had no 239 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 2: idea about suicide. I had no idea about anxiety, depression, 240 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:57,080 Speaker 2: suicidal ideations. I had no I was twelve, rightie, And 241 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 2: so it was a time in our community. Gosha it 242 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 2: was what two thousand and two. Oh wow, yeah, two 243 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 2: thousand and two, and damn that was twenty years ago, right, yes, wow, 244 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 2: So yeah, that was at a time where we didn't 245 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,800 Speaker 2: talk about mental health at all. We didn't talk about 246 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 2: health until not too long ago, recently, right recently. So 247 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 2: without having that conversation, without having those resources, you don't 248 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 2: really have the language. And that's what's really important. 249 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: We're in the same age group. So just when I 250 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: was growing up, like, nobody talked about it, and now 251 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: you can't. You can't stop hearing it, like it's everywhere, 252 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 1: which is a great thing because it gives people a 253 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: space to be able to express how they feel. But 254 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 1: I'm just like, wow, like we just started doing this. 255 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know, I think it's interesting that you 256 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 2: said that because a lot of people are like, well, 257 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 2: and the numbers are rising, but a lot of it 258 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 2: has to do with proper reporting. So if somebody passes 259 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 2: by suicide, and again, like going back to language, that's 260 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 2: another thing that we like to say, is passed by suicide, 261 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,240 Speaker 2: die by suicide. It's because when we say commit it 262 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 2: often brings the idea of a negative connotation. Right, So 263 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 2: when you hear somebody say commit a crime, or commit murder, 264 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 2: or do this this or that. It brings again this 265 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 2: negative idea of somebody that was simply just in pain. 266 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: That's the point you made. 267 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, So that's something that I learned just a few 268 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 2: years ago, and it's consistently changing. But currently that's the 269 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 2: language that we use when talking about suicide. But when 270 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 2: it comes to proper reporting, a lot of thinks go 271 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 2: into that. If somebody passes by suicide, that it brings 272 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 2: up challenges with life insurance, right, it brings up challenges 273 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 2: with with stigma. 274 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: Because the life asuer is covered. 275 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,040 Speaker 2: Don't want to say yeah or nay. I don't want 276 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 2: to be incorrect and provide false information. I just know 277 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 2: that it's probably not the easiest thing to get situated, right, Yeah, 278 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,040 Speaker 2: I don't want to provide wrong information on that, so 279 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 2: I'll just throw that out there. But it does bring 280 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 2: up a lot of challenges following. And then a lot 281 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,080 Speaker 2: of families don't want to say, like, hey, my family 282 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 2: member passed by suicide, so they don't report it as such, 283 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 2: so it could be reported as an overdo so can 284 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 2: we reported as so many other things instead of actually 285 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 2: what it is, so I think that we're having this 286 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,560 Speaker 2: conversation now. Yeah, we're having the conversation now to where 287 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 2: people are comfortable enough to say, no, this is what happened, 288 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 2: this is our situation, and so forth. So reporting has 289 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 2: a lot to do with it. 290 00:16:58,680 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: What was your upbringing? 291 00:16:59,760 --> 00:16:59,880 Speaker 2: Like? 292 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 1: It was great. 293 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 2: Both of my parents are. 294 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,959 Speaker 1: I know, your mom was a doctor. 295 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,919 Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom's an attorney. My dad was an entrepreneur. 296 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:11,639 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I was a doctor. 297 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 2: No no, no, no, no, she's an attorney. And it was 298 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 2: it was beautiful, went to you a great school, had 299 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 2: a great upbringing. But I started having sexual abuse when 300 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:30,920 Speaker 2: I was twelve, I believe until I was eighteen. Oh yeah, 301 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 2: So you know, there are a lot of things that 302 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 2: go beyond what something looks like. I did an interview 303 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 2: a while ago, and the introduction of me was interesting. 304 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, she was the first one I knew 305 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 2: that drove a bins and she had all this, this 306 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 2: and that, and I had to take a step back 307 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,159 Speaker 2: and I'm like, hey, Like, one, I don't like to 308 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:56,399 Speaker 2: be introduced as such. And two, there isn't a face 309 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 2: to mental illness. There isn't a face to suicide. There 310 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:03,639 Speaker 2: is an faced to mental health challenges whatsoever. So I 311 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,679 Speaker 2: think I got looked over a lot because of what 312 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 2: I had or what my upbringing was like. And then 313 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,639 Speaker 2: I also never felt validated in my feelings because I 314 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 2: did have such an awesome upbringing. So outside of that 315 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,960 Speaker 2: particular trauma, I was just a child that was struggling 316 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,800 Speaker 2: emotionally all the way around. 317 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 1: And nobody knew what was going on with you. 318 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 2: No, no, you know, we know how to hide stuff, right. 319 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,800 Speaker 1: You know What's so funny when I was doing research 320 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: right on your particular story, and I was like, damn, 321 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,199 Speaker 1: Like she comes from a good family, like you have 322 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 1: a really good upbringing. So I was one of those 323 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 1: people that was like, I wonder what made her like 324 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 1: have that first attempt, And I was like, it had 325 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: to be something. And it never dawned on me that 326 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:51,120 Speaker 1: it was sexual abuse, because I'm like, what else could 327 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:51,480 Speaker 1: it be? 328 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's actually a piece of my story that has 329 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 2: always been a missing link because I wasn't in the 330 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,920 Speaker 2: space you asked me the question earlier, is it hard 331 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,720 Speaker 2: to tell my story? I'm now just in the space 332 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 2: of that piece of my story being okay to tell 333 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 2: because it's mine to tell and when it comes to 334 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,879 Speaker 2: that topic, it gets so icky, and it gets so 335 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 2: just nasty. People are nasty, the price is nasty. You 336 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,080 Speaker 2: still have family members, like, it's just not just one 337 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:28,160 Speaker 2: individual that's involved. So now I'm in a current space 338 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 2: of healing. I'm in a good place of plugging that in. 339 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,280 Speaker 2: But it wasn't until I did an interview with people digital, 340 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,880 Speaker 2: maybe like a year or so ago, and they kept 341 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,479 Speaker 2: harping on it and pushing it and pushing. Okay, well, 342 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:41,920 Speaker 2: what made you have your first attempt? 343 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,919 Speaker 1: And I'm like, because that was my next question, what 344 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,480 Speaker 1: lay up to your first attempt? 345 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I couldn't. 346 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: Figure it out. 347 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, I don't want to talk about like, 348 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 2: and I didn't recognize that it was such a missing 349 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:59,200 Speaker 2: link because I gotten so used to giving this speech 350 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 2: and this story of what I felt safe doing. And 351 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,200 Speaker 2: I stand by that, like, I'm happy I didn't share 352 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 2: at that point in the time in my. 353 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 1: Life, which is very important. 354 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 2: Was Yeah, So understanding what you're comfortable with and what 355 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,040 Speaker 2: you're able to actually talk about if you are in 356 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,680 Speaker 2: a place of advocacy, it's key because you can't help 357 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 2: anybody if you're still hurting. 358 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: Wow, you got my brain like going now because now 359 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,560 Speaker 1: it makes sense because one of the things I read 360 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: in that article was how you always felt a sense 361 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: of sadness. But I can see why, Yeah for sure, 362 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 1: And from twelve to eighteen that's a long time. 363 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 2: Yeah. 364 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: Wow. So I mean when you're ready to tell, do 365 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 1: your family know who did it? Or yes, yes, they're aware, 366 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,160 Speaker 1: and I'm assuming as someone in the family. 367 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:54,920 Speaker 2: Yeah it was a family member, it was a cousin. 368 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 1: Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. 369 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,119 Speaker 2: Oh, what's ay? But I'm still in a healing space 370 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 2: when it comes to that, Like I'm not totally like, yeah, 371 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:12,560 Speaker 2: let's go into detail. Yeah, but it is a topic 372 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:20,879 Speaker 2: that I am moving and like just moving through. Yeah, navigating, 373 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,680 Speaker 2: perfect word, Yeah, still navigating. Right. 374 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 1: So how did you know to take a lot of 375 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: pills doing your first attempt if you wasn't familiar with suicide? 376 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 2: You know, honestly, I can't even tell you that. That's 377 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,959 Speaker 2: such a great question. Never even been asked that before. 378 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,760 Speaker 2: And it was such a dark time and such a 379 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 2: blocked out time for me that that was just instinct. 380 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,320 Speaker 2: So maybe, yeah, it was instinct for me. I was 381 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 2: in the I mean, I was in the bathroom and 382 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 2: I just saw medication. I decided to take it. So 383 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,439 Speaker 2: I don't know if that's such a good question. I 384 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 2: never even thought about why or how I need to. 385 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 1: Do so interesting when I tell you I was researching 386 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: you because. 387 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 2: I'm like, you better than people. 388 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,680 Speaker 1: Okay, oh come on now, don't play with the refreshonal homegirl. 389 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,240 Speaker 1: We're gonna get to the it. I love it, but 390 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,399 Speaker 1: I'm just thinking of a twelve year old psyche, like 391 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: you never knew anything about it. You're twelve years old, 392 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 1: So it's like, what made you do that? Because I 393 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,359 Speaker 1: interview another guest and she was saying how what made 394 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,600 Speaker 1: her decide to do try to do suicide was she 395 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,480 Speaker 1: saw it on a cartoon and I was like what, 396 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 1: I'm like, I wonder how you found out. 397 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know again, I didn't necessarily have the language 398 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,280 Speaker 2: to say, hey, this is what's happening. I do for 399 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,919 Speaker 2: a fact that I didn't want to live anymore, and 400 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 2: that's something you don't have to research. That's something you 401 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 2: don't have to look up. I just knew that I 402 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: wanted it to stop. So as a child, the only 403 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:56,159 Speaker 2: connection I can make is that you take one peel 404 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 2: and makes your head stop, if you take multiple and 405 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,320 Speaker 2: make everything stop. So that the only type of connection 406 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 2: that I can make. But as far as like getting 407 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,440 Speaker 2: on Google and doing all of that, I don't. 408 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,159 Speaker 1: Know, right, But we didn't have Google back then, did we? 409 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,600 Speaker 2: I don't know, girl, it's been a long time. I 410 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 2: know there's this post that's like, you don't believe me 411 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 2: or my kids or whoever doesn't believe me when I 412 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:22,880 Speaker 2: say I'm older than Google, because Google really isn't that old. 413 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: And I'm right. I think I think YouTube is like 414 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,800 Speaker 1: what fifteen if that? 415 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 2: Though? 416 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 1: It is so wild, I know. So when you woke 417 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: up the next day, how did you feel sad? 418 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:44,120 Speaker 2: Yeah? I felt very sad, and I felt this burden 419 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 2: of I now have this bigger secret than what I 420 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 2: had before, which is I have depression and again not 421 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,920 Speaker 2: knowing the language at the time, I'm using it properly now, 422 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:04,160 Speaker 2: So I called it like a secret. So now that 423 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:09,960 Speaker 2: I not only have the secret of not wanting to 424 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,400 Speaker 2: be happy or not feeling happy and having these feelings 425 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,080 Speaker 2: of anxiety, but I also tried to take my own life. 426 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,199 Speaker 2: These are all secrets that I was a twelve year 427 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,200 Speaker 2: old girl having So it was more so of sadness 428 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,920 Speaker 2: that it didn't work and that it was a space 429 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:32,640 Speaker 2: of burden. Yeah, I felt very burdened. 430 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:33,879 Speaker 1: Were you angry? 431 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, very much. 432 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:42,040 Speaker 1: So what are some signs of symptoms that should that 433 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: parents or caregivers or educators should be aware of that 434 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:50,200 Speaker 1: may indicate a childice experience suicidal thoughts or behaviors. 435 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say isolation would be number one. So 436 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,800 Speaker 2: you know, it's completely fine wanting to have the time. 437 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,720 Speaker 2: I think we all need you time. I was just 438 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,199 Speaker 2: selling my doctor the other day, actually Monday, I had 439 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:11,919 Speaker 2: an appointment. No, today's Wednesday, So Tuesday, yesterday I had Friday. 440 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 2: It feels like Sunday. That's not today, right, But yeah, 441 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 2: So she was just asking, essentially, like how I was feeling. 442 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 2: I was like, I'm not isolating, but I'm chilling, like 443 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 2: I want to be by myself a little bit because 444 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,919 Speaker 2: I'm working so much. She's like, that's fair. So I 445 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,640 Speaker 2: would definitely point out isolation. I isolated a lot at 446 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:35,440 Speaker 2: that time in my life. Lack of sleep or sleeping 447 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 2: too much, anything that's disturbing an appetite, So lack of 448 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 2: appetite anxious feelings, crying spells. A lot of things that 449 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,239 Speaker 2: we write off is in oh, they're just being a 450 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 2: pre seen or they're just being a teenager definitely deserved 451 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,320 Speaker 2: to be looked into a little bit more. And it's 452 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 2: really just by asking those questions like, Hey, what was 453 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,639 Speaker 2: good in your day? What was bad in your day? Right? 454 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,679 Speaker 2: Not just asking how was your day, because a kid 455 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 2: and even adults will say I'm fine or today was fine. Yes, 456 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,760 Speaker 2: somebody how they're doing, like I'm good instead of saying, honey, 457 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,919 Speaker 2: how are you feeling. That's actually forcing them to identify 458 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 2: something that's going on on the inside, which is really important. 459 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,720 Speaker 2: So isolation, lack of sleep, change and appetite, change in mood, 460 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,800 Speaker 2: crying spouse. I would point those out. 461 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,880 Speaker 1: Now ten years later, you made a second attempt at 462 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 1: the age of twenty two. Can you share some of 463 00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,919 Speaker 1: those events of factors that led up to this time. 464 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: One thing I will say, when you were talking about 465 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,480 Speaker 1: college and not having no money and being stressed out, 466 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: I was like, man, I definitely feel home now because 467 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 1: I had a great time in college, but it was hard, 468 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,639 Speaker 1: especially when you didn't have no money. Yeah, college was 469 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 1: not I didn't enjoy school even as a kid. 470 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,840 Speaker 2: Really no, I didn't. I mean, and when I got 471 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,199 Speaker 2: to college, it wasn't the school part I enjoyed. I 472 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,439 Speaker 2: love to party, and you know, that was like a 473 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 2: piece of college. And once I got serious about my 474 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 2: academics and I got stable, then it changed for me. 475 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 2: But to answer your question, I was extremely sleep deprived. 476 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 2: I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of bipolar disorder, 477 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,959 Speaker 2: which I didn't know at the time, but without sleep, 478 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 2: with heavy drinking, heavy smoking, just a lot going on, 479 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,440 Speaker 2: a lot of Yeah, I was twenty four to seven, 480 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,399 Speaker 2: and it wasn't even about you probably wouldn't even know 481 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,560 Speaker 2: I was under the influence high maybe, but everything I 482 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 2: was trybably like, oh, she's just chilling, And it was 483 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 2: really just me attempting to maintain some form of stability, 484 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,360 Speaker 2: some type of like hoping I don't have a moot 485 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 2: thing within the next thirty minutes type thing, and I 486 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,600 Speaker 2: just got I was just exhausted, like I really was. 487 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 2: I was just exhausted. So I was probably unlike to 488 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:04,879 Speaker 2: three days of not sleeping, and I just remember being 489 00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:09,520 Speaker 2: at school and again choosing the route of medication, and 490 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,640 Speaker 2: I was like I just I can't. I can't do this. 491 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 2: I can't do this. And then I had been I 492 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,960 Speaker 2: had been living with SUI ideation since I was a kid, 493 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 2: So it wasn't just something that popped back up. I 494 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 2: had been not wanting to live for a very long time. 495 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 2: But I was hospitalized and so forth. But I'm sure 496 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:30,959 Speaker 2: we'll get there. 497 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:36,240 Speaker 1: Yeah. Wait, so that any of your friends noticed it, 498 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 1: anything that was going on to in college or. 499 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,440 Speaker 2: I talked to a girlfriend of mine from high school, 500 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 2: and I was just sharing with her that I needed help. 501 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,960 Speaker 2: And I didn't necessarily know what it would look like, 502 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,800 Speaker 2: but I think that individuals around me recognized that one. 503 00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:01,560 Speaker 2: I weighed maybe like a hundred and ten pounds, possibly 504 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 2: like heaviest, so I was tiny. I was very irritable. 505 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,000 Speaker 2: I just was not in a good headspace, and my 506 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:14,000 Speaker 2: anger was just like through the roof. So it wasn't like, oh, 507 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 2: she's in a bad limited at this moment in time. 508 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 2: It was really more so like Na, she's like in 509 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 2: a rage almost and she's not sleeping, she's heavily under 510 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 2: the influence. And so she actually found a place for 511 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:31,640 Speaker 2: me to go to. I guess in patients Stay or 512 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 2: something like that. I didn't go, but that was a 513 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:39,120 Speaker 2: conversation I recall, but many things I honestly, my memory 514 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,760 Speaker 2: is very vague, right, Yeah, A lot of it is 515 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 2: still quite foggy, Like I can pull bits and pieces. 516 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 2: The more I do therapy and the more I talk 517 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,960 Speaker 2: about it, the more vivid things become. But some things 518 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 2: are just missing in action. 519 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 1: It's not understandable because sometimes our brain blocks out trauma 520 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 1: to protect us. So exactly exactly, so when you woke 521 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,320 Speaker 1: up in the hospital, did you knew where you was at? Like, 522 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,920 Speaker 1: did you know what happened? 523 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I was taken to the hospital, and 524 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 2: I definitely it was not under a happy space, to 525 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 2: say the very least, because I was not just su 526 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,520 Speaker 2: the title, I was homicidal as well, And a lot 527 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,440 Speaker 2: of people don't know that about my story. So you 528 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 2: get a little gemer. 529 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: Now give us the tea. 530 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 2: Now come on, now, I was homicidal as well, and 531 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:37,560 Speaker 2: explain it. Homicidal is what it says, which is homicide killing. 532 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:43,720 Speaker 2: I was just very aggressive, and yeah, I don't really 533 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 2: know what else to. 534 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:46,600 Speaker 1: What have you tried to hurt somebody before? 535 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 2: No? Absolutely not. I mean I didn't act on it, 536 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:53,360 Speaker 2: but those were When you have ideation, it's just simply 537 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,360 Speaker 2: what it is. It's an idea. So no, I didn't 538 00:30:55,360 --> 00:31:00,680 Speaker 2: talk anybody. That wasn't the case, but that it's definitely 539 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:01,880 Speaker 2: marked in my chart. 540 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:07,120 Speaker 1: The way you're laughing right now, Yeah, somebody would have 541 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:13,560 Speaker 1: tried you. So when your family found out about the 542 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 1: attempts and your mental health challenges, where were their reaction? 543 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:24,640 Speaker 2: It was very I think they were scared more than anything. 544 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 2: I think they were just fearful of not knowing what 545 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:35,880 Speaker 2: to do and not necessarily having the resources to help me. 546 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:39,120 Speaker 2: So it was a family effort. I was hospitalized at 547 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 2: a public hospital at first, and then I was transferred 548 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 2: to a private hospital. But even just getting into a 549 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:51,720 Speaker 2: private hospital took about two to three days. Private hospitals 550 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 2: are very expensive. If you don't have insurance, it's almost impossible. 551 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,719 Speaker 2: But even with insurance, it is just not a lot 552 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 2: of money. Yeah, and then public hospitals I almost still 553 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 2: like prison, and I've been to jail, so it does no. 554 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,960 Speaker 1: We gotta come on, now, what do you go to 555 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 1: jail for? What you go to jail for? 556 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:36,360 Speaker 2: H d U. I not for my thoughts, not for 557 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 2: my ideations, but for my. 558 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 1: D u I nine, don't play with my I know 559 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:48,040 Speaker 1: who I'm gonna call if I need some help, because 560 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:49,959 Speaker 1: I'm like, what how you just gonna slide that in there? 561 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:50,960 Speaker 1: You have it in jail? 562 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 2: Well I thought she knew no. 563 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,840 Speaker 1: But when I tell you, when I was researching you, 564 00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:01,360 Speaker 1: I'm like, where are the missing pieces? Like it was given? 565 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:09,160 Speaker 1: Like it was given very like what's the word like surface? 566 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: Like I feel like, obviously the main goal is to 567 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 1: educate people and to help those who are really in need. 568 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,520 Speaker 1: But when you know, like I love to get to 569 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,440 Speaker 1: know people, so I'm trying to like read more about you, 570 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,120 Speaker 1: and I'm like, come on now, something they adding up here. 571 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,479 Speaker 1: But I was like, I'm gonna get to the bottom 572 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:25,760 Speaker 1: of it. 573 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 2: So I was twenty five, but we'll follow the timeline 574 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,560 Speaker 2: and then you can throw it back in when you want. Yeah. 575 00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. So wait, is there a history of mental 576 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: health issues within your family? 577 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 2: Yes? I think that's anybody. I'm a lot of it's 578 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 2: gone on else and then my family has had a 579 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 2: lot of addiction as well, So yeah, but I mean 580 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:58,520 Speaker 2: that's nothing but a mental health challenge as well, right, right, 581 00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:04,680 Speaker 2: So a lot of it was there. I actually found 582 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 2: out a cousin of mine had bipolar disorder. Prior to 583 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,359 Speaker 2: me finding out, I found out a year before I 584 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,799 Speaker 2: did that. I knew I had it, but when she 585 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 2: said it, I'm like that sound like me. And I 586 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,799 Speaker 2: was diagnosed literally like a year later. 587 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,160 Speaker 1: And how did you feel when you finally got the news, 588 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,520 Speaker 1: because you always feel like something was different. 589 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,759 Speaker 2: Hey, this makes sense, Like, I appreciate it. I see 590 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,319 Speaker 2: why I'm in debt. I see why my spence it's 591 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:37,160 Speaker 2: been outrageous. I see why all these things were happening 592 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,839 Speaker 2: to me and happening around me, and I was doing 593 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,800 Speaker 2: to myself, just not taking care of myself or valuing 594 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:47,120 Speaker 2: my life. It's all made sense. So I was relieved. 595 00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:50,040 Speaker 2: I'm gonna say I was excited, but I had diagnosed 596 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:53,719 Speaker 2: myself anyway, like on and don't do this, whoever's listening, 597 00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:57,400 Speaker 2: don't get on the internet and take those quizzes. But 598 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,759 Speaker 2: when I was diagnosed, I was like, I knew it 599 00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 2: found out two weeks ago. I was on Google and 600 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:06,239 Speaker 2: they told me this is what I had. But I 601 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 2: did get an official diagnosis when I was hospitalized. 602 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,719 Speaker 1: Do you think like family should have conversations with their 603 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: children or just within the family talking about mental health issues, 604 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of things that we 605 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:20,040 Speaker 1: experienced could have been avoided if you would have told 606 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 1: me what time it was a long time ago. 607 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:26,200 Speaker 2: I mean, I think it'd be beneficial. But I also 608 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:30,960 Speaker 2: think that we have to take the step of mental 609 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,120 Speaker 2: health the same way we do physical health and not 610 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,960 Speaker 2: des secluded as mental health means mental illness, because that's 611 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,719 Speaker 2: not the truth. So if we were to have conversations 612 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:43,680 Speaker 2: and being proactive about our mental health, I guess not 613 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:46,400 Speaker 2: even I guess I believe I would have been able 614 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 2: to manage anxiety better. I would have been able to 615 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,120 Speaker 2: identify those feelings of depression. I would have been able 616 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:57,520 Speaker 2: to again not just manage, but live with and maneuver 617 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:01,680 Speaker 2: and to navigate, like we said earlier, those different feelings. 618 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,800 Speaker 2: So I think just having that conversation of mental health 619 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,000 Speaker 2: like brain health, the same way it's like eat your veggies. 620 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 2: I want kids, but if I were to have them, 621 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,200 Speaker 2: like I have a niece and I have nephew's and 622 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:16,360 Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, like take a breath, let's do a 623 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:21,120 Speaker 2: breathing exercise. Let's feeling today, like, let's identify something. So 624 00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 2: having those conversations are extremely important. But as far as 625 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:33,440 Speaker 2: disclosing different mental illness within the family, you know, I, 626 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,480 Speaker 2: if I were to and I'm not, I don't want 627 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:41,040 Speaker 2: to have kids, And that's definitely something we can also 628 00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,839 Speaker 2: talk about. I could talk to you for days. It's 629 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:50,799 Speaker 2: given Bessie, I work to I would definitely disclose my 630 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 2: diagnosis and definitely disclose that our family has had challenges. 631 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 2: I feel like we talk more so about addiction and 632 00:36:57,719 --> 00:36:59,880 Speaker 2: black families than we do mental illness. Like you know, 633 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:04,880 Speaker 2: your uncle whatever, whatever, whatever, and it's like, oh, okay, 634 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:06,799 Speaker 2: like he was lit last time I saw, and that 635 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,279 Speaker 2: makes sense now. But yeah, outside of that, I think 636 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,279 Speaker 2: it's just a conversation we need to have and we 637 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,480 Speaker 2: need to learn the skills behind it. Outside of the 638 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,399 Speaker 2: conversation as. 639 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,960 Speaker 1: Well, Why you don't want to have kids. I'm just 640 00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,439 Speaker 1: curious because I have an idea, But why you don't 641 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:22,040 Speaker 1: want to have kids? 642 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:31,560 Speaker 2: One, I don't want to pass along my diagnosis. Somebody say, well, 643 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:33,520 Speaker 2: it seems like it'd be easier if they did have it, 644 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:35,720 Speaker 2: because they'd have you to lean on, And I'm like, Okay, 645 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,880 Speaker 2: first of all, it's not really how it works, right, 646 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:43,920 Speaker 2: Give one of the best support systems, but I don't 647 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:50,600 Speaker 2: think I would be able to deal with I don't 648 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 2: want to call it guilt, but I don't. I'm unsure 649 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:57,799 Speaker 2: the feelings come up if I came across my child 650 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,520 Speaker 2: having the same diagnosis as myself, because it is genetic. 651 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:06,680 Speaker 2: That's a major reason. A second major reason is that 652 00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:08,880 Speaker 2: I've been on medication for so long I don't know 653 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,680 Speaker 2: how it would interact, and I don't want to have 654 00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 2: a child that would have an interaction or reaction to 655 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:20,399 Speaker 2: the medication that I've been on because we don't. I mean, 656 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:24,279 Speaker 2: I'm pro medication for myself. That's a decision for each individual, 657 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:28,560 Speaker 2: but I'm also aware that it has long lasting effects, 658 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,839 Speaker 2: and I don't know what could happen if I were 659 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,240 Speaker 2: to get pregnant and if I were to bark the child. 660 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:36,239 Speaker 2: I don't want them to come out and have physical 661 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:41,480 Speaker 2: or mental, you know, challenges because of my condition, and 662 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:45,640 Speaker 2: then I can't. I'm choosing not to come off of 663 00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:49,799 Speaker 2: medication because that's just a high risk for me. So 664 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:54,040 Speaker 2: being pregnant, going through all of those hormones and having 665 00:38:54,080 --> 00:39:00,520 Speaker 2: those different situations, I definitely don't. It's not something that 666 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 2: I'll want to put myself figgers. So it's really to 667 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:08,880 Speaker 2: maintain health. Yeah, it's for my own personal health. I 668 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:13,720 Speaker 2: feel like Selena Gomez. Actually I don't know anything about Selena. 669 00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:16,879 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie, but she lives at the Quarter. 670 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:20,120 Speaker 2: I do know that. But I was so excited and 671 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:25,520 Speaker 2: so proud for her making the comment on I can't 672 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,279 Speaker 2: have kids because I can't come off of medication, and 673 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:31,279 Speaker 2: a lot of people were offended by that, but I 674 00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:33,839 Speaker 2: stood with her. I'm like, girl, I feel the same way. 675 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:38,440 Speaker 2: But I'm like, well, I don't you can you just 676 00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:40,640 Speaker 2: choose not to And it's like no, no, I actually 677 00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:44,480 Speaker 2: I can't because I can't come off of medication. Like 678 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:48,560 Speaker 2: that's dangerous, Like that's not an option, right, yeah, exactly. 679 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:53,439 Speaker 2: So you know it's up for debate. But as far 680 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,080 Speaker 2: as me and then, I just I got a niece 681 00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,640 Speaker 2: in two beautiful nekis. I'm cool, Like I'm good with 682 00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:03,279 Speaker 2: being the like I don't those three main reasons, and 683 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,520 Speaker 2: I like it. I like chilling. I don't really want 684 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:06,160 Speaker 2: to wake up. 685 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:11,520 Speaker 1: And care nothing nagging and crying and another work I 686 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:15,799 Speaker 1: have to manage. So if you didn't if you didn't 687 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,520 Speaker 1: list all of those factors, would a baby be an option. 688 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:26,560 Speaker 2: I used to want to be a mom mm hmm, 689 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:32,120 Speaker 2: and then it just switched to me. Yeah, it's just 690 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,439 Speaker 2: switched to me. So I don't think. So I don't 691 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:40,239 Speaker 2: know because this is my reality and I don't necessarily 692 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,440 Speaker 2: live outside of it, so I can't I can't honestly 693 00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:47,520 Speaker 2: answer that I don't know if right. I don't know 694 00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:52,759 Speaker 2: what my like without my diagnosis. Therefore I don't know 695 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:55,000 Speaker 2: what my unity right. 696 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: Do you feel like more celebrities should come out and 697 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:00,680 Speaker 1: speak openly about their mental health. 698 00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:06,239 Speaker 2: No. I believe that each person teaches own I don't 699 00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:09,560 Speaker 2: think that everybody has to have or anybody that's on 700 00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:12,160 Speaker 2: a platform has to come out and say, well, me too. 701 00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,840 Speaker 2: I have this diagnosis and I share it with the world, 702 00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:19,360 Speaker 2: Like absolutely not. It's a choice that I decided to do. 703 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:27,399 Speaker 2: It's definitely something that was a need for me. When 704 00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,799 Speaker 2: I was hospitalized, I actually had a dream that I 705 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:32,840 Speaker 2: was standing on a stage with a like a bright 706 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:35,000 Speaker 2: light in front of me, and I woke up. I 707 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:40,759 Speaker 2: was like, that's interesting, and then that was like my reality. 708 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:42,480 Speaker 2: Like I was on a stage, I was speaking, and 709 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:46,280 Speaker 2: I was sharing my story, but going through my process 710 00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,680 Speaker 2: and my journey to recovery, I definitely recognized I wasn't 711 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:53,799 Speaker 2: doing it just for myself, right. God gave me a 712 00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:57,240 Speaker 2: much higher purpose and all of it started to make sense. 713 00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:01,480 Speaker 2: So I definitely don't I aim anybody for not talking 714 00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:05,000 Speaker 2: about their mental health. I applause to do so in 715 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,359 Speaker 2: order to help other people, but it's not always meant 716 00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:11,040 Speaker 2: to be, you know, put in the spotlight. I definitely 717 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:11,520 Speaker 2: don't think so. 718 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:15,239 Speaker 1: Right, And we spoke about medication, So what are your 719 00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:18,000 Speaker 1: thoughts about the stigma surrounding medication. 720 00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:23,520 Speaker 2: I think that it's rightful. I think people have a 721 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,120 Speaker 2: right to their own opinion. I've had my own personal 722 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:30,520 Speaker 2: journey with medication. I have been on, I've been off. 723 00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:33,399 Speaker 2: I've had great doctors, I've had terrible doctors. I've been 724 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:37,120 Speaker 2: heavily medicated. I've been on a perfect regiment, which is 725 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,839 Speaker 2: what I'm on now. But it's a trial and error thing, 726 00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:42,000 Speaker 2: and I understand when people are like, look, I don't 727 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,520 Speaker 2: like the way it makes you feel. This isn't for me. 728 00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:47,880 Speaker 2: I want to try an alternate route. Totally personal choice, 729 00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:52,799 Speaker 2: but for me, I chose to continue the process to 730 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,640 Speaker 2: find a proper doctor and to not give up on 731 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,160 Speaker 2: just being told what to do, Like I wanted to 732 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:01,080 Speaker 2: take control over my own life and over my own 733 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:06,400 Speaker 2: healing space. And madiscation definitely helps me. Yeah, it helps 734 00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:07,080 Speaker 2: me a lot. 735 00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:09,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, because I feel like some people would just believe 736 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,600 Speaker 1: anything and not to say anything's wrong with that, because 737 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,120 Speaker 1: we should have some type of trust when it comes 738 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:15,759 Speaker 1: to professionals. Who are you know, doctors or therapist, what 739 00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:17,319 Speaker 1: the case may be. But I think that's great that 740 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:21,600 Speaker 1: you were very proactive in being more involved in your life. 741 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,319 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, you have to. And I think it gave 742 00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:27,719 Speaker 2: me the skills to advocate for myself, just not within 743 00:43:27,719 --> 00:43:30,799 Speaker 2: a doctor's office, but outside in the world, in my 744 00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:34,759 Speaker 2: career space and my relationships and my friendships, learning how 745 00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,520 Speaker 2: to be a start of learning how to stand up 746 00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:38,879 Speaker 2: for yourself and saying, hey this works, this doesn't work, 747 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,000 Speaker 2: and you're going to listen to me. Right. So it 748 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:42,760 Speaker 2: was a life lesson more than anything. 749 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:46,680 Speaker 1: Right. And are you ever concerned about the possibility of 750 00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:48,320 Speaker 1: experiencing another attempt. 751 00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:55,160 Speaker 2: I don't really think about it, you know, I don't. Yeah, 752 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:58,319 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say I don't. I don't necessarily live 753 00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:01,680 Speaker 2: my life and worry I have days where I'm anxious 754 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,680 Speaker 2: and things like that, I don't wake up and I'm like, 755 00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:07,120 Speaker 2: oh no, I think I'm going to have an attempt today. Again, 756 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:09,480 Speaker 2: it goes back to me being proactive with my mental 757 00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:11,839 Speaker 2: health and keeping that self awareness to where it needs 758 00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:12,239 Speaker 2: to be. 759 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:13,560 Speaker 1: Can you look heavy? 760 00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:15,479 Speaker 2: Oh well, thank you. 761 00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:19,040 Speaker 1: Yes, the skin is skinning, honey. The teeth is nice 762 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:20,359 Speaker 1: and white, like, come on. 763 00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:22,680 Speaker 2: Out, thank you, thank you, thank you. 764 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:25,640 Speaker 1: So what is some advice you would give to someone 765 00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:29,719 Speaker 1: who was currently experiencing similar feelings or contemplating suicide? 766 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:35,399 Speaker 2: First, I love to give a good resource. So they 767 00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:41,680 Speaker 2: recently just launched, so well it'll be a year come July. Yeah, come, 768 00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:45,960 Speaker 2: But there's so many resources out there. But if you 769 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,520 Speaker 2: are feeling suicidal in this moment, or you're having feelings 770 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:53,200 Speaker 2: of suicide or an attempt or a plan, or somebody's 771 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:57,319 Speaker 2: in crisis, please down nine eight eight. That is just 772 00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,840 Speaker 2: like nine one one, except it's for mental health and 773 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,160 Speaker 2: for mental health crisis. 774 00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:02,279 Speaker 1: So that's right. 775 00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:10,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, by New Love It Big Fan. Yeah, it was 776 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,239 Speaker 2: a lot to get done. There were a lot of 777 00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:15,400 Speaker 2: people that were advocating for There are a lot of 778 00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:19,200 Speaker 2: people that pushed it and it was able to get through. 779 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:22,480 Speaker 2: I like it because it's very short. The original number 780 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,680 Speaker 2: was like it was like a one eight hundred number. 781 00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:28,279 Speaker 2: That's a lot to dial, just a lot going on 782 00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:32,359 Speaker 2: to the kind of state exactly. So it's just a lot. 783 00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:34,480 Speaker 2: It was a lot going on. But if you're not 784 00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,400 Speaker 2: a phone person, that's cool too. If you don't want 785 00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:39,080 Speaker 2: to talk on the phone, then I encourage you to 786 00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:42,279 Speaker 2: text seven four one seven for one, which is a 787 00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:47,440 Speaker 2: crisis text sign. And you actually don't have to be 788 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:52,759 Speaker 2: in crisis if there is. If you're just in a 789 00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:55,760 Speaker 2: place of needing to talk to somebody, they'll be able 790 00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:59,719 Speaker 2: to give you that conversation. But follow that up, if 791 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:03,400 Speaker 2: you are having those feelings of helplessness and those feelings 792 00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:05,839 Speaker 2: of not wanting to be here, or you're just in 793 00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:09,239 Speaker 2: a really dark place, I really do encourage you want 794 00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,920 Speaker 2: to use your resources and use those resources that I 795 00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:15,320 Speaker 2: just listed. But if you have at least one person 796 00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:18,440 Speaker 2: that you are able to be vulnerable with, if you 797 00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:20,880 Speaker 2: have at least one person that's in your support system 798 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,960 Speaker 2: that you can have a conversation with, I do encourage 799 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:27,799 Speaker 2: you to do so. If you have a therapist, reach 800 00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,800 Speaker 2: out to your therapists. If you need I'm full of resources. 801 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:34,040 Speaker 2: If you need funding for therapy, I'll plug that in too. 802 00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:38,480 Speaker 2: And then they're even support groups. Yeah, I get funding 803 00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,120 Speaker 2: for my therapy. It's called the Loveland Foundation. They do 804 00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:43,240 Speaker 2: it for black women and girls. I heard of them 805 00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:49,239 Speaker 2: that out to them, love them, Yes, twelve sessions. They 806 00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,640 Speaker 2: give vouchers for up to one hundred and twenty dollars, 807 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:57,160 Speaker 2: which is amazing pretensive. Yeah, that's great. It takes a 808 00:46:57,160 --> 00:47:02,960 Speaker 2: big chunk out of day. So yeah, I would definitely 809 00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:05,560 Speaker 2: encourage all of those different things. 810 00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:08,759 Speaker 1: And for people who suspect that someone they know may 811 00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:13,080 Speaker 1: be experience in suicidal thoughts or behavior, but are unsure 812 00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:15,600 Speaker 1: how to offer support. What is your advice on guidance 813 00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:17,800 Speaker 1: you would give to them? 814 00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:25,160 Speaker 2: I would say, honestly, learn God, if you're gonna bely, 815 00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:28,560 Speaker 2: how am I supposed to do that? Learning? How to 816 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,720 Speaker 2: ask that uncomfortable question. I used to work in suicide 817 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:36,399 Speaker 2: prevention and I wasn't always comfortable and being like, hey, 818 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:39,240 Speaker 2: are you suicidal or are you thinking of killing yourself? 819 00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,360 Speaker 2: Like what's going on? How to take a softball approach, 820 00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:44,440 Speaker 2: which was, hey, are you feeling like you don't want 821 00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:47,880 Speaker 2: to wake up anymore, or even just simply acknowledging that 822 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:51,240 Speaker 2: you see something different about that person. Hey, I recognize 823 00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:53,480 Speaker 2: you're not stelling as much as you used to. What's 824 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:56,560 Speaker 2: going on? Are you talking about it? I recognize that 825 00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:58,520 Speaker 2: you like to work out three or four times a week. 826 00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:01,160 Speaker 2: You haven't worked out in a month. You're simply saying, 827 00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:05,040 Speaker 2: I'm seeing that something is different. I'm worried about you, 828 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,120 Speaker 2: and I care. I think people want to be seen. 829 00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:12,080 Speaker 2: We all want to be seeing. And when somebody's struggling mentally, 830 00:48:13,719 --> 00:48:17,680 Speaker 2: they want people to they want help like they essentially 831 00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:20,440 Speaker 2: they may not know how to ask for it. So 832 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:23,520 Speaker 2: you don't even have to ask that hardball question, but 833 00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,240 Speaker 2: picking up on hey, my friend seems a little off today, 834 00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,920 Speaker 2: or this person seems a little bit off. I wonder 835 00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:32,279 Speaker 2: what's going on. So just asking like, hey, I recognize 836 00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:35,360 Speaker 2: that you're not doing this, you seem a little irritable, 837 00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:39,720 Speaker 2: whatever the case, saying be whatever seems different, and simply 838 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:43,480 Speaker 2: just having a small conversation and offering those resources I 839 00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:45,160 Speaker 2: just said. 840 00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,960 Speaker 1: You know, I think this was an amazing conversation. I 841 00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:50,000 Speaker 1: feel like every time I talk about this topic on 842 00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:53,880 Speaker 1: my show is a really good conversation like with the 843 00:48:54,040 --> 00:48:57,560 Speaker 1: girl who honored her father who committed suicide or who 844 00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:01,480 Speaker 1: passed away from suicide. That was beautiful conversation. I think 845 00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:04,239 Speaker 1: this was also an amazing conversation. So I want to 846 00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:06,600 Speaker 1: say thank you so much for being a guest on 847 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:10,920 Speaker 1: the show, for having me of course, of course, and 848 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,800 Speaker 1: to the listeners. If you or someone you know is 849 00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:17,880 Speaker 1: struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors, there is help available. 850 00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,680 Speaker 1: Reach out to a trusted friend or a family member, 851 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:24,400 Speaker 1: a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline. Because you 852 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:30,840 Speaker 1: are not a loan. Thank you everyone, until next time later, 853 00:49:32,560 --> 00:49:40,239 Speaker 1: You're not gonna say bye, oh, thank you bye. The 854 00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:43,640 Speaker 1: Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black Effect 855 00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:48,520 Speaker 1: podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 856 00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:51,360 Speaker 1: app a podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. 857 00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:54,600 Speaker 1: Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you 858 00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,280 Speaker 1: can connect with me on social media at the PHG 859 00:49:57,520 --> 00:49:58,040 Speaker 1: podcast