WEBVTT - INTERVIEW: Jason Wilson Breaks Down 'The Man The Moment Demands,' Talks Intergenerational Trauma +More 0:00:00.440 --> 0:00:05.320 Wake that ass up in the morning. The Breakfast Club Morning. 0:00:05.360 --> 0:00:09.039 Everybody's the e j en Vy, Jess, Hilarry Charlamage, the guy. 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:10.200 We are the Breakfast Club. 0:00:10.200 --> 0:00:11.320 We got a special guest in the. 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:13.520 Belting, one of my favorite brothers on the planet. 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:14.600 Man, Brother, Jason Wilson. 0:00:14.600 --> 0:00:18.000 Welcome brother, Welcome back to meet you. I'm doing well. 0:00:18.079 --> 0:00:20.720 All is well? What's up? Brother, Brother? That is a 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:24.920 nice beard you got there. Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it. 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:30.320 You Ja Jaly cat Daddy Now. 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:37.240 To be loving Jason will never see that you're crazy be. 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:40.520 Texting me like you know, Jason, that man is happily mard. 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:47.480 I never see any of that. Yeah, that's good, that's good. 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:49.880 Yeah, man, But how are you though? I'm doing well? 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:53.720 Man fought the fluent sinus affection. I was bet ridden 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:56.400 like for six or seven days at the beginning of 0:00:56.440 --> 0:00:59.320 the year, couldn't work out, couldn't do anything, and just 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:01.960 had allow my body to heal and practice what I 0:01:02.040 --> 0:01:04.840 preach and just rest and stop allowing my life to 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:06.600 be centered around what I gotta do. 0:01:06.760 --> 0:01:09.560 You know, your new book is called The Man. The 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:12.600 Moment Demands Master. The ten characteristics of the comprehensive man. 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:15.480 So the start of the year, right start of the year, 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:17.440 you know, that's a reset for a lot of people. 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:21.039 But you started the year, you know and sick. Yeah, 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:22.440 six seven days, so it's not. 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:23.200 On the reset. 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:25.400 Yeah, you had to be completely Still. What did you 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:26.480 realize in that moment? 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:31.679 I realized, you know that you know, as men, you know, 0:01:31.760 --> 0:01:34.120 we can't keep our foot to the throttle. You know, 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:37.080 we stay in first gear of manhood, which I call 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:40.160 just the masculine mode, which gets us from stop to start. 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:42.280 But if we stay in that gear, we're gonna burn 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:45.280 the clutch out in the process. I believe I was 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:48.760 burning my life clutch out, just working really hard on 0:01:48.800 --> 0:01:51.640 this book and other things. And so it gave me 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:53.360 a lot of time to sit with the most high 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:58.240 and just meditate on allowing myself to just be instead 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:01.240 of performing. And that's what's so many men struggle with, 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:04.880 just living performance based lives, and it's taking us out, 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:07.320 you know. But they gave me time to reflect, and 0:02:07.360 --> 0:02:10.280 then you know, it's crazy. I had to beat sister 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:12.359 be someone which they call like my daughter. Now, I 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:15.560 had to do her podcast, and the Holy Spirit is like, 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:17.800 I need you you're going to be weak, but you 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:20.520 gotta go. I got something you gotta tell her, And 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:22.359 so I barely could make the flight. I wanted to 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.760 make sure I wasn't contagious. Went down to the podcast, 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:29.640 brother and my sister. Within a matter of maybe twenty minutes, 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:32.800 the interview shifted from that to her, and I was 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:35.840 able to answer one of her prayers. But if I 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:38.600 wasn't weak, because I'm like, man, why would I get 0:02:38.680 --> 0:02:40.480 sick in this time when I need to promote this 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.799 message most I was like, I needed you weak for 0:02:44.000 --> 0:02:46.680 my daughter, because if you're strong, you may not be 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.680 broken enough for me to speak to you and to 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:50.280 speak the words I need to say to her. 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:54.200 The episode ended with us praying, and it was very powerful. 0:02:54.240 --> 0:02:57.440 But that weakness allowed me to be the man in 0:02:57.480 --> 0:02:59.960 that moment for her, you know, and a lot of time, 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:02.400 I'm just man, we miss those moments because we feel 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:05.359 we have to be perpetually strong, which we know by 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:09.240 now with research that is killing us. And so that 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:13.000 weakness in that moment was needed, and I'm thankful that 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.320 I surrendered to that so I can be the man 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:16.480 in the moment for be some. 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:19.120 Mom I'm absolutely grateful that you got to do that. 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:21.840 That's one of my friends. Like she's always the one 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:26.160 who is like spiritually strong for everybody else, Like she'll 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:28.400 hit me out the blue, like even you know, she 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:30.919 may get just because we connected in that way, me 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:33.200 and her pretty v you know a few other people, 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:36.960 but she she's always spiritually strong and the one praying 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:40.080 for everybody all the time and just like putting her 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:42.680 whatever she got going on to the side to make 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:44.320 sure we're all good, you know. 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:45.960 So I'm happy that she was able to do. 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:47.760 It was deep, you know, I had shared with her, 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:50.280 and I had no idea what my daughter was dealing with. 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:53.480 And I refer to my daughter. She's like my daughter's age. 0:03:53.560 --> 0:03:56.560 But she and a lot of women I believe who 0:03:56.560 --> 0:03:59.440 are single, especially if your life is renewed in Christ, 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:04.000 you feel that you being hidden is that you're not valuable. 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:06.160 And I had to let her know that no one 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:09.120 puts anything in the safe that's not valuable, and he's 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:12.280 protecting you. It was a very powerful moment because it 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:15.839 liberated her from the lies in her head. And so yeah, 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:18.760 I've adopted her, so she's a family now. 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:21.240 But I'm glad I was able to meet that moment 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:21.640 for her. 0:04:22.000 --> 0:04:25.560 Wow, you got the book broken down into three parts, dynamic, 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:27.799 deeper in devotion. Can you explain the difference? 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:29.840 But sure, the dynamic is what we as men are 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:33.080 used to fighting. You know, of course we're used to that, 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:35.800 and aightly it's in us to protect the problem is 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:38.039 many of us are fighting the wrong way. I mean, 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:41.359 think of how many intellectually gifted men who are incarcerated 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:44.760 because they couldn't rule their emotions in the moment. The 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:47.440 next one, of course, is number two, which we tend 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:50.880 to just gravitate to, is the provider, you know, providing 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:53.240 for our families, making sure they have the care they need, 0:04:53.680 --> 0:04:56.120 not just the money, because as we know, once you 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:58.120 get it, it's not really fulfilling. 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:03.240 It's what you do. What is your presence? Really? Is 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:04.680 your presence really present? You know? 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:06.919 Are you really active with your children, your wife and 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:09.799 your family and your community. Then I go to the leader, 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:12.479 like many of us want to be leaders, all right, 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:14.599 but a lot of us don't lead by example. We 0:05:14.680 --> 0:05:17.800 lead by intimidation. So I unpact that, and then we 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:20.640 go to the deeper, which is the lover. I start 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:23.280 with the lover characteristic because many men we believe love 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:27.440 is sex only. And I share an intimate moment with 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.640 my wife when she had we actually, my wife had 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:34.719 five miscarriages, and as a result of our last one, 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:39.440 they had to make a decision vertically on her stomach 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:41.760 and she you know, as a woman, you become self 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:45.320 conscious of that scar. And so the one even while 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.960 we were you know, intimate, the Holy Spirit say I 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.960 want you to kiss that scar from the top of 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:54.520 it to the bottom. And I allowed myself because I'm 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:59.000 emotionally intelligent and I'm a comprehensive man. You know, sex 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:01.040 to me isn't a lot of men we think is 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:03.760 about the ground and power, like Mma, like, it's about force, 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:07.359 but it's not always about that. It's about sensitivity and connecting. 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.000 And so when I started kissing the scar, my wife 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:14.839 started weeping and crying, and in that moment, I was 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:19.440 able to allow her to release this self consciousness, well 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:22.560 a self conscious feeling about this scar, and I just 0:06:22.560 --> 0:06:26.280 share where she's always beautiful. But those kisses confirmed that, 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:28.880 you know, it wasn't just words. In that moment, then 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:32.360 I moved from the lover characteristic to the nurturer. Many 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:34.640 of us as men. We believe that being a nurturer 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:40.159 is a feminine attribute first and foremost, where you're supposed 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:43.599 to be human, Masculine and feminine are just adjectives, all right. 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:47.080 Being masculine means you exude strength, boldness, and aggression, which 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:49.800 we have to have. And so if I'm a nurturer, 0:06:49.839 --> 0:06:51.080 does that mean I'm feminine? 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:51.200 No? 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:54.400 The goal for us as humans is to be human, 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:58.560 to exercise humanity. Many of the greatest cultures are nurturers. 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:04.480 Cattle herders farm are nurturers. Any teacher mentor you're a nurturer. 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:07.640 You have the nurture to develop anything. And then from 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:11.280 the nurture I go to the gentleman. When I discovered 0:07:11.320 --> 0:07:15.520 I unpacked chivalry. We have been misled to believe that 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:17.920 that's a system to pander to women. 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:19.040 It's not. 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:22.840 It was actually a code of honor for medieval knights warriors. 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:26.000 And so how do we relininguish that? We relinquish that? 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:29.440 Then I go to unpack the alpha male myth like 0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:32.600 there is no battle between two wolves to see who 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:35.520 will lead the wolf pack first and foremost. That study 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:38.480 was done on wolves in captivity. What they come to 0:07:38.560 --> 0:07:42.760 realize is that the leaders, or the alphas in this pack. 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:44.800 Were the male and female wolf. 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:48.760 So in essence, in a human sense, the alphas are 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:52.120 the husband and wife leading a family. So I tell 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:54.240 my brothers, look, if you really want to be an alpha, 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:58.120 get married, lead your family, build the community, and that's 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.040 what it's about. So from the gentlemen, I go to 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:03.800 the friend. Many of us we say we're friends, but 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:05.880 we don't understand really what that means. Like you say, 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:06.600 I'll be somemone. 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:10.200 She sacrifices her life for you guys. You know her time. 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.960 And I give an example of the Winnie the Pool series. 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:17.240 You know where you'll see e War clearly depressed or 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:19.720 always in the bad word or in the funk sad. 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.280 Did his friends say you toxic, I'm gonna put up 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:26.560 a boundary here, you're ruining my energy. No, they always 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.240 accepted him for who he was because they knew he 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:31.280 was their friend. And that's what we need now in 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.439 times like this, is a friend who will endure all 0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:38.160 adversity and challenge. So from those characteristics I go to 0:08:38.160 --> 0:08:41.720 the devotion. The first is the husband. What does it 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:45.200 look like to sacrificially love your wife and honor her 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:47.720 the way that you want to be honored. And that's 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.559 where I really take time to help men unpack their 0:08:50.600 --> 0:08:53.960 emotions and how we allow the way we were raised 0:08:54.000 --> 0:08:57.000 to prevent us from truly living from our hearts and 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.040 giving it our all to our wives. You know, we 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:02.440 stay guarded and often say, brothers, there is no freedom 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:05.160 in the facade. And as a man been married twenty 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:08.080 six years, because of the way I grew up, I 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.000 still have to fight to hold my wife's hand in 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:12.000 public or to be romantic because it was like I'm 0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:15.680 dropping my guard and so that's something I'm still working 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:19.080 to improve on. And the last two, of course, is 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:22.040 the father. You know, I can't tell you how many 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:26.600 times as a father I passed down the harshness of 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.120 my dad onto my own daughter. 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:30.079 And as a result of that. 0:09:29.960 --> 0:09:32.280 You know, we had to go through a lot of therapy, prayer, 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:35.280 and a lot of i'm sorries for me to say, hey, lex, 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:39.440 I apologize for passing on to you what I got 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:41.839 from my dad, and I make it better. And so 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:45.480 the father is helping men learn how to parent, not 0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:47.960 from what we didn't get from my father, but give 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:50.560 our children what we long for And the last one 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:52.959 I closed with the son characteristic, because that's the one 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:55.920 that made me into a comprehensive man. I tell men 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:58.920 all the time, if you want to become comprehensive, run 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:01.240 to the areas in your life, life that make you 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:06.560 feel what they would say is are unmasculine emotions. This world, 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:10.480 this society's and dire need of a man's nurturing love 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.480 are patience. What does long suffering look like from a man? 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:16.480 So when I had to care for my mother, she 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:19.640 needed more than a protect and provider. She needed someone 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:22.160 who would nurture her, who would file her nails when 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:25.360 the caregiver couldn't paint her nails, wash her hair, wash 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:28.280 her And I couldn't do that the way I was. 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:31.920 And so I end with that one because it makes 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:35.400 it puts men in positions where we have to be transparent. 0:10:35.800 --> 0:10:40.319 How many of us have you know family members that aging, parents, 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:44.120 or children in the community that bring out emotions that 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:48.760 make you feel weak or sad? Those are those are 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:51.600 not times we run from as men. That's when you 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:53.839 but they would say, man up, that's when you use 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.600 the masculine attributes. Run towards that move past your fears 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.839 of being transparent or perceive as week because you may 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.360 shed a tear, or you may share empathy and be 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:05.040 the man you need to be in that moment for 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:05.800 those in need. 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:12.000 Very intentional, like a very intentional person About what you wrote, 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:14.559 I imagine that a lot of this was written from 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:18.560 your personal experience, absolutely right, okay? And would you feel 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:23.920 like the husband part did that? Did all of that 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:26.640 transpire within like the twenty six years or were you 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:27.439 ever married. 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:29.439 Before or that's a good question. 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:34.839 I wasn't married before, but I mean, you know, twenty 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:38.559 and fifteen. I think we got married in nineteen ninety eight. 0:11:38.679 --> 0:11:42.079 So in twenty fifteen, my wife and I were considering separation. 0:11:42.960 --> 0:11:45.720 Because I was only a masculine male. I could only 0:11:45.800 --> 0:11:50.680 express my emotions through hitting the table, hitting refrigerator, raising 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:54.640 my voice, lacking the control needed to really communicate with her. 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:57.839 And so that's when I realized that I needed some help. 0:11:58.240 --> 0:11:59.960 That I was holding on to a lot of trial. 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:03.880 I'm unresolved, anger for my father, wound, the death of 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:06.839 my both of my brothers, my best friend. I could 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.640 go down the line, and I got tired of allowing 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.800 that trauma to time travel and ruin my present blessings. 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:17.480 And so the husband chapter basically it shares. 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:19.520 How I evolved, but even who I am now that 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:20.920 it's constantly a fight. 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:23.600 Were married, You know what I mean. You gotta make 0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:24.480 sure your heart is there. 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:26.880 I keep a picture of my wife and my phone 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:29.360 when she was young, during a time when she was 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:34.200 very vulnerable, when she didn't feel things were stable in 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:37.000 her own life, and that keeps my heart tender towards 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:39.280 her in the moments when we may not get along. 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:44.319 And so I also share an analogy of the crayons 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:46.560 for men so we can be practical, have a practical 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:52.120 understanding of how we're so limited in who we are 0:12:52.160 --> 0:12:54.880 as men we've allowed society to find us. So I 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:57.960 use a sixty four box of crayons as the amount 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:03.520 of emotions women have access to will actually choose to express, 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:04.440 because we both. 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:05.640 Have access to both of them. 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:08.679 But we as men, like ourselves in the eight box 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:11.920 of crayons, and we probably only express four. Then we 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:15.240 get frustrated when we're communicating with our women, like why 0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:18.800 don't you understand me? Well, my brother, she's expressing violet, 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:22.760 all you got is purple. She's expressing lime. Now you 0:13:22.800 --> 0:13:24.640 got to grab a green and a yellow to try 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:27.680 to meet the moment. And so I'm encouraging man like, Look, 0:13:28.120 --> 0:13:32.000 I'm not telling you to relinquish your masculine attributes because 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:34.200 then now you'll be deficient in that area. You got 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:36.640 to be the lion and the lamb. And so what 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:39.680 I'm telling men is to be human, express what you feel. 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:43.120 All of us as men want to be more available, 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:46.280 want to be more transparent, want to be more emotionally open. 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:50.560 But we fear being admonished or impassively dismissed by those 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.880 that we love. So then we go into suffering in silence, 0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:57.480 and then that leads to emotional incarceration. Then that leads 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:00.720 to suicidal ideations, and then our lives don't even know 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:02.360 what we were dealing with until they plan. 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:05.120 In our funerals. And so that's why I poured my heart. 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:08.680 Into this book, because I mean, just recently, brother, my 0:14:08.760 --> 0:14:12.600 best close friend called me and said, you know, for 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:15.360 the first time he looked at his gun and thought 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.720 about it. And so this is what a lot of 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:19.520 men are going through. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:20.520 But when you meet him. 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:25.360 He's smiling, he's jovial, he's happy, and so what's the saying, 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:28.920 don't miss the forest for the trees. I'm telling people, 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:31.680 not just our wives, but the brothers who have friends, 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.440 don't miss the struggle for the smile. Just because the 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.680 brother says I'm good, I'm all right, doesn't mean that 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:39.480 he's good and we should check on each other. 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:42.960 I do have two questions that something you said. One 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:45.880 was you talked about your relationship with your daughter and 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:48.360 you said not sure the term of you was. I 0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:50.920 guess you had to apologize or change because what you 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.800 learned from your father, you were teaching your daughter and 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:54.840 you realize it was wrong. 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:58.640 What was that my father, I had no idea at 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:00.600 the time that he had a lot of un resolved 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:02.920 anger from the way he was raised in the South, 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:05.640 had to deal with a lot of racism, and he 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:09.240 carried that back to Detroit. And I mean I remember 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:12.320 one time brother he asked me. He ran a barber shop. 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:14.440 He asked me just simply to cut the arrow on. 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:16.960 I accidentally cut the heat on. I think got may 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:19.240 been ten years old. He cursed me out in front 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:24.360 of everybody in the barbershop. That right there shattered my 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:27.800 confidence as a man. It demeaned me and it didn't 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:30.480 stop there. He loved me, but he thought giving me 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:35.480 gifts would suffice, and it didn't. I needed him to 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:38.040 be active in my life, but he couldn't because of 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.400 all the pain that he'd been through. And so what 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.040 it's called intergenerational trauma when you passed down what you've received. 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:46.880 So before I knew it, this anger that he even 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:50.760 had taught my mother. He said he he told my 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:55.200 mother one day they had gotten divorced, and she accidentally 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:57.120 opened one of his letters. What mailed it, came to 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:57.840 the house. 0:15:58.280 --> 0:15:58.760 And here it is. 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:02.160 I'm going to middle school and my mother shows me 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:04.200 her gun and her purse, and she says, your father 0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:06.920 just called and said he's gonna do something to me 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:09.440 because I opened this letter. So here this is a 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.600 young boy trying to focus in class. I got to 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:15.320 think about my mother's life. But that's how much anger 0:16:15.360 --> 0:16:18.680 my father had. And brother, you know, I hope my 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:22.960 transparency free some brothers listening or watching. It's like, you know, 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.760 you don't want to create a legacy of wounds. 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:27.240 You want to fight and do. 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.840 Whatever you can to get healed because if not, now 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:32.800 you're going to see that same behavior and your children, then. 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:34.680 You're mad at them, and all they did was become 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:35.280 who you were. 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:39.560 That's why I think apologizing to your kids is so important, 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:41.600 because that's something that you know, I feel like I 0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:43.960 never got from from my father. And I always say 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:46.480 my father raised me out of fear and not love. 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:47.840 And I think that's what. 0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:50.480 We got to avoid doing, raising our kids out of fear. 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:53.080 I mean, we gotta we gotta raise our kids out 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:55.320 of love and not not fear, the fear of that 0:16:55.440 --> 0:16:58.560 they might end up, you know, falling into the street 0:16:58.680 --> 0:16:59.880 or end up if we were in the street, and 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:01.800 the same thing that we were doing, like, we got 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:03.280 to relinquish that. 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:05.560 That's true. I call it fear based parenting. You know. 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:08.960 My mother was that way, which is understandably. I understand 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:12.320 why she was because she just lost a son, you know, 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:15.000 and then mother brother from my father, he was murdered, 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:18.679 so she she was terrified that I would die the 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:22.320 same way. And because of that fear, she had checked out, 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:26.400 you know, meaning the affirmation that you typically get from 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:28.800 your mother, the nurturing. I didn't get that my mother 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:31.000 loved me. Like everyone who knew my mother knew she 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:35.080 loved me. But I realized in therapy one session when 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:38.000 the therapist asked me who we get the band aid 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:38.400 when you. 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:40.240 Got hurt, and I said I will. My mother would 0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:41.280 just tell me where it was. 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:45.919 And in that moment, I realized, Man, this is why 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:51.240 I'm misusing women, because I never understood the importance of 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.800 having my mother, the understanding of what nurturing is, the 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:58.240 value with the affirmation. And I unpacked the mother wound 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:01.120 as well in that book because many of us, what 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:04.280 we're seeking is the love for my mothers and women, 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:06.840 and they'll never be able to match what we didn't 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:11.560 need and it's unfair to them. And so I had 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:15.320 to unpack all of that brother because I didn't want 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:19.240 to transfer that onto my children. And so I've allowed 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.560 myself to be more tender in that area. My son 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:26.720 by far has the best father because I've become the. 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.240 Embodiment of what I teach. 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:32.439 And so to your point, year, it's absolutely important for 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:35.040 us as parents to not be fear based, especially my son's. 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:38.840 But he's driving, Now, why do I have to teach 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:41.720 him how to get pulled over by the police? 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:45.000 Why am I focused on that? What is that teaching him? 0:18:45.119 --> 0:18:47.920 Is that really making it better or is it making 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:51.080 it worse when he gets pulled over? But those are 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:53.520 the things you know, we have to teach in our community. 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:56.760 But at the end of the day, making sure you 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:01.639 balance that with some positive re enforcement and to teach 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:05.560 them that how to live in a moment, because when 0:19:05.600 --> 0:19:07.720 we teach our children, we got to understand we're also 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:11.000 teaching them how to miss the moment, because they're programming 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:13.680 themselves like, Okay, if this happened, this probably gonna happen. 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:15.800 Because that happened to dad, that happened to mom, It's 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:18.119 probably gonna happen to me. And so in that moment, 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:22.439 if they're not open to be able to meet the 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:25.439 moment to do what's necessary, they may fail in that moment. 0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:27.960 I know you're, oh, what the last question? 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:30.840 You talk about turning it off right. And this is 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:32.480 important because I say it with Jess, I say it 0:19:32.480 --> 0:19:33.720 with myself, and I say it with a lot of 0:19:33.760 --> 0:19:36.960 other brothers talk about the importance of turning it off right. 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:40.080 I think we come from a place where we had 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:43.000 to get it right. And if you listen to just story, 0:19:43.080 --> 0:19:44.040 just tell your times where. 0:19:44.240 --> 0:19:45.120 The lights were off. 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:48.280 And so I know for herself it's hard to turn 0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:50.680