Speaker 1: I don't stay stuck, and I don't stay I can
Speaker 1: tell that in what you're saying and how you're saying it.
Speaker 1: I'm almost like, no, you gotta get over that really fast.
Speaker 1: Don't blame people for stuff, don't stay stuck, get on
Speaker 1: with it, get out of bed, put one foot in
Speaker 1: front of the other, start doing dishes. You'll start feeling better,
Speaker 1: I promise. Like cleaning is a very spiritual act. And
Speaker 1: put on a song and like all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: you'll be shaking your butt. Jay. I think you were
Speaker 1: one of the very first people who graced us with
Speaker 1: your presence on our show. You know, like we were
Speaker 1: such a new show and nobody wanted to talk. It
Speaker 1: was the height of the pandemic. People really didn't know
Speaker 1: what to say. I get it. I didn't know what
Speaker 1: to say. I was like, I feel like, ironically, isn't
Speaker 1: the world telling us to be quiet and listen? And
Speaker 1: I have to go find my voice right now? It
Speaker 1: feels very counter do it. But you were kind enough,
Speaker 1: and I, you know, I get it. It's like I
Speaker 1: think there was probably like what is this show and
Speaker 1: why would we want to talk about stuff? You know
Speaker 1: right now? But there was also such a need for
Speaker 1: community at that time. But I just thank you for
Speaker 1: coming on so early and daring to come on something
Speaker 1: that we ourselves were literally in establishment mode. We were
Speaker 1: trying to set it up for success in the way
Speaker 1: that like we wanted it to be something we loved
Speaker 1: and believed in, but everything was going to have to
Speaker 1: be done differently. Yeah, definitely. You know in twenty nineteen
Speaker 1: when we were making the show was not going to
Speaker 1: be that show. But what did we keep, what did
Speaker 1: we change? How do we pivot? How do we move forward?
Speaker 1: So thank you because it makes a difference. When people
Speaker 1: see you coming on the show, then they think, oh,
Speaker 1: that's safe, maybe I'll try that. Well, no, I mean
Speaker 1: thank you. I was actually so grateful that you thought
Speaker 1: of me and invited me and the team reached out
Speaker 1: to me. I was so looking forward to connecting with you.
Speaker 1: I think you just have such a positive presence in
Speaker 1: everything you do and your energy radios. When I met
Speaker 1: you backstage, I was telling my team because Paul was
Speaker 1: here with me last time when we came in person,
Speaker 1: Helena wasn't, and I was saying to them backstage, I
Speaker 1: was like that interaction we had had the lights been
Speaker 1: on backstage, I would have shared it because it's such
Speaker 1: a special interaction, like the energy you greeted me with
Speaker 1: and the warmth that you had for me. I was
Speaker 1: just like, Wow, I feel like I'm meeting a long
Speaker 1: lost friend. And it was just such a special moment,
Speaker 1: and no one got to see that. It was totally
Speaker 1: behind cameras, but I wanted people to know because that's
Speaker 1: who you are, and that's how you appeared to everyone
Speaker 1: and approach everyone, whether you're backstage, on camera, off camera,
Speaker 1: wherever you are. And so I saw that before, and
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful I got to see him person. And
Speaker 1: I am so excited to be talking to you today.
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it
Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to
Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book.
Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,
Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.
Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or
Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that
Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure
Speaker 1: you grab this book, and I'd love to invite you
Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.
Speaker 1: Go to j shettytour dot com to learn more information
Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to
Speaker 1: see you this year. I think it's also good to
Speaker 1: be wary of people who are different in different places
Speaker 1: and rooms, you know. That was always something like growing
Speaker 1: up in the job that I did, there was a
Speaker 1: lot of performative at people who were different in different rooms,
Speaker 1: and then there were people who are attitudinally different and
Speaker 1: different rooms, and it was like a very interesting juggling
Speaker 1: act to see like why is this person different now
Speaker 1: here as opposed to in the other room where they
Speaker 1: Oh they were performing, they were doing a job, That's
Speaker 1: why they're different. Why is this person a little different
Speaker 1: here or there? Oh it's because of the person. Oh
Speaker 1: that's interesting. So they don't treat everybody the same, noted
Speaker 1: where are you on? Where you relaxed, where you utterly
Speaker 1: yourself where? So human behavior was always like so fascinating
Speaker 1: for me because I was trying to gauge like what
Speaker 1: kind of human do I want to be? So I
Speaker 1: was always looking at everybody's actions to sort of put
Speaker 1: on the sifter of like what do I want to
Speaker 1: keep and what do I want to just go away
Speaker 1: and fall to the bottom. How early do you think
Speaker 1: you started to do that, because I think that that's
Speaker 1: a skill that we develop over time. And I like
Speaker 1: what you said that it's not as simplistic as saying, oh, well,
Speaker 1: that's a bad person. It's no, that's their job. They're performing,
Speaker 1: they're working, and then sometimes it's the person, sometimes it's
Speaker 1: the profession. But how early did you start noticing and observing?
Speaker 1: Very early? My mom also was like I started working
Speaker 1: eleven months old, but I remember my mom was part
Speaker 1: of the seven months. Oh yeah, in a diaper, not
Speaker 1: a EU from as a minute. Literally I started my
Speaker 1: job in a diaper. It was a commercial, and people
Speaker 1: thought that like ET was maybe my first job, but
Speaker 1: it wasn't by a long shot. I had done a
Speaker 1: lot of TV films, a lot of commercials, and even
Speaker 1: a future film, so I felt comfortable at that point
Speaker 1: when I went into ET. So I feel lucky that
Speaker 1: I was blessed that I wasn't like a quivering lamb
Speaker 1: in the field, like I was always very emboldened as
Speaker 1: a kid I had so much like Moxie. I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm probably a lot more shy, respectful, and cautious
Speaker 1: now as an adult. When I was a kid, I
Speaker 1: was so fearless. But I remember my mom was a
Speaker 1: part of like this theater group at the Lee Strasburg
Speaker 1: Institute who's a very famous acting teacher. He taught Paul
Speaker 1: Newman and Mary le Monroe and Alpaccino. They were all
Speaker 1: a part of like his you know, I wouldn't even
Speaker 1: know how to put it, but group. And she was
Speaker 1: doing a play there, and I remember like this one
Speaker 1: woman who would go in the back every night before
Speaker 1: her play and she would just lay on this stage
Speaker 1: in a quiet room and like beat her chest and
Speaker 1: cry out so primal, and that was such an interesting
Speaker 1: thing to witness as a kid. I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: that's how she does it, Like that's how she gets
Speaker 1: herself to be emotional and cry. So I was always clocking,
Speaker 1: like whether it was how to do this job or
Speaker 1: really I was hyper aware ever since I can remember
Speaker 1: about how people treated each other. A lot of cliches
Speaker 1: is like oh, if someone's like rude to a waiter,
Speaker 1: like that was me as an infant, I was so
Speaker 1: upset and put off by people who weren't nice to everyone.
Speaker 1: And there were plenty of people in the job that
Speaker 1: I was in that were a little coddled and you know,
Speaker 1: but then I also saw people who you thought wouldn't
Speaker 1: be shy because they were a performer, but they were.
Speaker 1: So I was like, well, don't hold that against them.
Speaker 1: That's just their real personality. Like I'm thinking, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get this big, flamboyant, gregarious, you know, loud person, and
Speaker 1: they're not on right now, they're turned off, and who
Speaker 1: they are is actually this very gentle, quiet soul. Oh
Speaker 1: you're the world's greatest comedian, but you're kind of dark
Speaker 1: and moody. Okay, that wasn't what I was expecting, nor
Speaker 1: is it what I want, but I have to accept
Speaker 1: that's who you are. Yeah, okay, interesting. So you're observing
Speaker 1: everybody so you can make fun of it all, but
Speaker 1: if you let people in, you won't be able to
Speaker 1: you keep a guard up on purpose, understood. So I
Speaker 1: guess I was just always trying to figure out like
Speaker 1: why people did what they did. But I still to
Speaker 1: this day, like cruelty, arrogance, rudeness, short temperedness is just
Speaker 1: I don't have time for it. And even worse, if
Speaker 1: I am ever guilty of those things, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: I take myself to task, probably worse than I would
Speaker 1: anyone else. Yeah, that's it's It's hard, isn't it. You've
Speaker 1: reminded me of When I was in the monastery. There
Speaker 1: was one monk who was known for being pretty negative
Speaker 1: and being that way. So he had this reputation where
Speaker 1: he would always be negative, he'd be rude to people,
Speaker 1: he'd be you know, he had what you're kind of
Speaker 1: describing like, there was a bit of arrogance, there was
Speaker 1: a bit of bravada, there was a bit of rudeness,
Speaker 1: lack of sensitivity, everything that you're mentioning. And it's really
Speaker 1: interesting because I used to really annoy me because I
Speaker 1: kind of have a similar trait to you, where I
Speaker 1: don't appreciate someone treating anyone special or not special, or
Speaker 1: good or bad. Yea, And I think it's a hard
Speaker 1: thing to manage when you're a busy individual, So I'm
Speaker 1: getting in your sense, it's very difficult. So I would
Speaker 1: often complain about him because he was always criticizing, complaining
Speaker 1: and comparing and so I would often complain about him
Speaker 1: to the other monks of like this guy, like, you know,
Speaker 1: he's just always doing this. What's this monks deal? Literally
Speaker 1: can you imagine? Like that's literally my question. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was really interesting because there are two sides of this,
Speaker 1: and I want to hear your thoughts to this one thing.
Speaker 1: One of the monks said to me, he looked, he
Speaker 1: looked at me, and he said, what don't you like
Speaker 1: about this individual? And I said, he's always comparing, complaining
Speaker 1: and criticizing. And he said to me, what are you
Speaker 1: doing right now? I said, I'm comparing complaining. And it
Speaker 1: was like this like moment of like I had become
Speaker 1: who I was mad at. So how did you stop yourself?
Speaker 1: As my question, because you're very mindful, You've always I've
Speaker 1: seen you the few moments I've spent with you or
Speaker 1: whether we message, it's always been wonderful. How did you
Speaker 1: stop yourself from letting that pain get so make you
Speaker 1: cold or make you harsh to that person? Also, I
Speaker 1: think it made me more kind and empathetic. And you know,
Speaker 1: I also grew up in a job that's like heavy
Speaker 1: on gossip or can be and rumor and hearsay and stuff,
Speaker 1: and I found that in my life, everybody loves an
Speaker 1: interesting story. I mean, we're all of our ears perk
Speaker 1: up when we're like I think we're going to hear
Speaker 1: something a little, you know, Silesia's a little crazy, a
Speaker 1: little something. It's something to kind of marvel at. But
Speaker 1: I realized that I am not a gossiper, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm more i'll keep your secrets. And it was sort
Speaker 1: of the same thing. I've grew up around a lot
Speaker 1: of people who also kind of talk trash about people,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I do not want to be
Speaker 1: around that, nor be that person. So it also made
Speaker 1: me like gravitate towards people who didn't do that. And
Speaker 1: it's funny, you said, because you know, we get busy
Speaker 1: and we have a lot of responsibilities, so I can
Speaker 1: get sort of intense or its seemingly short tempered because
Speaker 1: I'm tired and I'm trying to kind of barrel through
Speaker 1: things like you do. Absolutely, Yeah, for sure, Okay, that
Speaker 1: is so refreshing to hear, Like I asked my wife
Speaker 1: because I was gonna have the show. Yeah, I love
Speaker 1: your wife so much. I mean, you two were put
Speaker 1: on this planet, like you are Freud's imago theory, like
Speaker 1: two people who look alike are drawn to each other
Speaker 1: in a mirror like sort of look in the water,
Speaker 1: you know, and see your own reflection, And not based
Speaker 1: in narcissism. It's based in like a familiarity. No, it really,
Speaker 1: it's a beautiful theory. And no, So in those moments
Speaker 1: I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I seem a little curt a
Speaker 1: little short tempered, a little intense. I would say ninety
Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of the time, I never think
Speaker 1: I'm right for being that way, and I will find
Speaker 1: myself maybe justifying here there, and even as I'm doing it,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you are so full of crap right now.
Speaker 1: I really hold myself so critically accountable for wanting to
Speaker 1: go Okay, Well, then you can't take this water back
Speaker 1: and put it in the bottle. It's spilled all over
Speaker 1: the floor. So how about next time try to remember
Speaker 1: something about this that can be like a trigger so
Speaker 1: that you can handle it differently. I think so much
Speaker 1: of my adult life is becoming about the mastery of reaction,
Speaker 1: knowing beautiful, I'm the only thing I can control. I
Speaker 1: cannot control, and I work really deeply with this therapist
Speaker 1: who I just I respect. He's honestly one of the
Speaker 1: smartest individuals I've ever met. Like I'm talking like one hand,
Speaker 1: like a true voice, and he quit me at one point,
Speaker 1: Like that's how you know high road this human being is.
Speaker 1: He doesn't deal in toxicity. If you're not getting better,
Speaker 1: he's not feeding off of that and thinking, well, this
Speaker 1: person's going to stay with me for many years. He's like,
Speaker 1: our work cannot actually occur here, so I'm going to
Speaker 1: step away. And I was like, God, you're good. I
Speaker 1: love you even more. I respect you so much. And
Speaker 1: I fought to break a cycle and a pattern that
Speaker 1: he just after eight years was like I I can't
Speaker 1: do this anymore. And it was drinking. And when I
Speaker 1: was about two years and I'm not sober, I don't
Speaker 1: work a program I have. I'll call in my house
Speaker 1: like I party with my friends, you know, so I'm
Speaker 1: not when I say I don't drink alcohol. It's just
Speaker 1: like a one lane choice of realizing something that didn't
Speaker 1: work for me. I thought I would master my whole life.
Speaker 1: I don't. I can't. So after I had stopped for
Speaker 1: about two years because drinking was like a symptom of
Speaker 1: many problems, but it was the thing that was not
Speaker 1: allowing me to get to those next places. I asked him,
Speaker 1: will you please reconsider taking me back? I've put in
Speaker 1: two years. I'm not stopping. I'm feeling really good. This
Speaker 1: isn't for anyone else. It's not for you, It's for me.
Speaker 1: I know that's what you've always wanted it. If you
Speaker 1: do things for other people, it's so dangerous. They can
Speaker 1: just take it away. It's a burden. It's you know,
Speaker 1: there's no ownership in doing things for other people. It
Speaker 1: comes to that really crucial work because I love doing
Speaker 1: things for other people. It's just a matter of And
Speaker 1: I think I'm a total codependent, like with my kids,
Speaker 1: Like yeah, they're my whole source of life, joy, happiness,
Speaker 1: and you know, motivation. So be it. I'm a codependent
Speaker 1: who cares like but I'm also my own individual. They're
Speaker 1: their own individuals and we've got to take care of
Speaker 1: our side of the street. So I asked, could we
Speaker 1: go back to working together? And we did, and now
Speaker 1: we're doing the best work we've done in ten years.
Speaker 1: And a lot of the work I do with Barry
Speaker 1: now so much of this word comes up, which is inner,
Speaker 1: and that's not something even though I think I was
Speaker 1: really in touch with spirituality when I was a teenager.
Speaker 1: It was so much a part of my salvation and
Speaker 1: raising myself and getting emancipated at fourteen and living on
Speaker 1: my own and being an adult my whole life and
Speaker 1: not having any semblance of like what society says kids
Speaker 1: are supposed to do with, like go to bed on time,
Speaker 1: go to school, like eat, a balance me all all
Speaker 1: that stuff. Like I just didn't have that in my universe.
Speaker 1: But I love when Barry uses the word inner, This
Speaker 1: rich inner life I'm trying to build that is the
Speaker 1: place in which I can tap into reaction, processing, control,
Speaker 1: all of those things. It's like there's really kind of
Speaker 1: only one place that that truly can take place, and
Speaker 1: it's the inner world. And I have spent my life
Speaker 1: being an extrovert and going outwards, and that can be
Speaker 1: being a love junkie, or being someone who loves to
Speaker 1: be playful and call it perform or just put myself
Speaker 1: out there, or affection or jokes and humor, or my
Speaker 1: love of human beings, like it's all out out. And
Speaker 1: this is the first time that I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: really much more excited and ready to do this inner work.
Speaker 1: And it's cool because it is. It is the place
Speaker 1: where you can do so much more because a lot
Speaker 1: of those things you want to do with the outside
Speaker 1: world are not really possible or not really attainable, like control,
Speaker 1: like you know, changing the way things are, or someone
Speaker 1: out there or a situation or the world at large.
Speaker 1: These things are not controllable. But inside your world, inside
Speaker 1: your inner self, there's much to be done. You've got
Speaker 1: new year's goals, and Hello Fresh is here to help
Speaker 1: you achieve them. Skip the grocery store and take control
Speaker 1: of your time and budget with delicious, restaurant quality recipe
Speaker 1: delivered right to your door. If you're looking for an
Speaker 1: easy way to eat well and save money this year,
Speaker 1: Hello Fresh is a great place to get started. It's
Speaker 1: cheaper than grocery shopping and twenty five percent cheaper than
Speaker 1: take out. With over thirty five weekly recipes, they have
Speaker 1: the options you're looking for to help you achieve your goals.
Speaker 1: Choose calorie smart and carb smart recipes, or even customize
Speaker 1: select meals by swapping proteins or sides, upgrading your proteins
Speaker 1: or adding protein to a veggie dish. Hello Fresh's latest
Speaker 1: line of meals is fast and fresh recipes featuring robust
Speaker 1: flavors and filling portions that are ready in less than
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. One of my goals this year is to
Speaker 1: start cooking more healthy meals when Roddy's away, and Hello
Speaker 1: Fresh is helping me achieve that goal. I love how
Speaker 1: they deliver all the ingredients needed for the meal and
Speaker 1: that each recipe is also very easy to create. My
Speaker 1: favorite recipe that I've recently created would be the vegan
Speaker 1: Chickpeak Coconut Curry. Go to HelloFresh dot com forward slash
Speaker 1: Purpose twenty one and use code Purpose twenty one for
Speaker 1: twenty one free meals plus free shipping. That's Hello Fresh
Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash Purpose twenty one with code Purpose
Speaker 1: twenty one for twenty one free meals plus free shipping.
Speaker 1: Hello Fresh, America's number one meal kit Away makes suitcases, bags,
Speaker 1: and other travel accessories designed to make moving through the
Speaker 1: world a lot more seamless, so no matter where you're going,
Speaker 1: you can rely on a ways range of travel products
Speaker 1: to get you there. Away products come in a variety
Speaker 1: of colors, and sizes that are built to last with durable,
Speaker 1: lightweight exteriors that can withstand even the roughest of baggage handlers.
Speaker 1: Every suitcase comes with an interior organization system that includes
Speaker 1: a built in compression pad and a hidden and removable
Speaker 1: laundry bag that separates your dirty clothes. Four three hundred
Speaker 1: and sixty degrees spinner wheels guarantee the smoothest role even
Speaker 1: through the most hectic of airports and stations, with a
Speaker 1: sleeve that's hides over your suitcase. Away suitcases and bags
Speaker 1: work seamlessly together and movers. One Away offers free shipping
Speaker 1: and returns on any non personalized order within the contiguous US,
Speaker 1: Canada and the UK, in addition to one hundred day
Speaker 1: free trial. This year, I'll be going on my world
Speaker 1: tour and there will be days where I need to
Speaker 1: be in another city or even in another country the
Speaker 1: very next day, so having a reliable and endurable suitcase
Speaker 1: is a must. I'm excited to bring Away with me
Speaker 1: on my travels because I can take my suitcase anywhere
Speaker 1: without worrying about it falling apart or being hard to
Speaker 1: pack in a hurry. Plus, I love the removable laundry
Speaker 1: bag where I can separate my used clothes from the
Speaker 1: clean ones. Start your hundred day trial and shop the
Speaker 1: entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best selling
Speaker 1: suitcases and bags at awaytravel dot Com Forward slash Jay
Speaker 1: that's Away Travel dot Com Forward slash Ja. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it sounds like with this over analyzing reflective self mastery
Speaker 1: work that you're doing, it sounds like at the same
Speaker 1: time as that, there's also a sense of self forgiveness
Speaker 1: to be able to move on, especially from knowing that
Speaker 1: as a child a you wouldn't have known about the
Speaker 1: inner in that depth. You wouldn't have had the tools.
Speaker 1: You were exposed to things as a child that nine
Speaker 1: nine percent of children wouldn't be exposed to. So they've
Speaker 1: also seems to be a sense of forgiveness for today
Speaker 1: and also forgiveness for that time. Is that you know,
Speaker 1: It's funny because I do think a lot of kids
Speaker 1: go through just crazy stuff. I mean, yeah, when I
Speaker 1: was in an institution for two years that my mom
Speaker 1: put me in, it was it was an adult word too,
Speaker 1: but it was also a kid ward. So all these
Speaker 1: other kids I was in with, I was like, well,
Speaker 1: they're going through it too. Whatever their roads you know,
Speaker 1: took them to, you know, self destruction or abuse of
Speaker 1: a substance or hurting themselves or being out of control
Speaker 1: to the point where their parents didn't know what to
Speaker 1: do with them. A lot of that is usually cries
Speaker 1: for help and probably not their fault. Always, yes, of course,
Speaker 1: but I was like, well, I guess I'm not alone
Speaker 1: and you know, trying to you know, I'm not the
Speaker 1: only one who are experiencing what we see as extraordinary circumstances.
Speaker 1: Especially at a young age. They're heightened and they seem
Speaker 1: wilder to adults. You're fourteen or thirteen and you're doing
Speaker 1: these things like, oh, if you were in your twenties,
Speaker 1: I guess that'd be more normal. That's such a good point. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've never thought about it like that yet. And then
Speaker 1: they think about kids who are you know, challenged economically
Speaker 1: or trying to get you know, in somewhere, or they
Speaker 1: have to take care of their families or their latch
Speaker 1: key kids, or they're trying to get into this country,
Speaker 1: or they're you know, doing things that again, once again
Speaker 1: we're saying, oh, this is not what children are supposed
Speaker 1: to do. So I'm convinced that I'm one of many
Speaker 1: that just kind of had stuff to deal with that
Speaker 1: we wish ideally kids didn't have to deal with. But
Speaker 1: a lot of them are. Yes. I just was never
Speaker 1: taught like what forgiveness was of myself. But I've learned
Speaker 1: along the way far ahead of self forgiveness because this
Speaker 1: is a very new concept for me. So it's super fresh.
Speaker 1: It's like an open wound and it is not sewed
Speaker 1: up shut yet by any means. I need stitches and
Speaker 1: some isopropol. Like, I'm working on it. But I always
Speaker 1: was forgiving of other people. I didn't. I grew up
Speaker 1: in a very unjudgmental landscape, you know, like, for better
Speaker 1: or worse. Hollywood is real open minded. It's real liberal.
Speaker 1: And I don't mean politically, I just mean like artistic
Speaker 1: people are kind of like a live and let live group,
Speaker 1: which is super cool, and that was great growing up.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, so we can just kind of
Speaker 1: let people be oh, okay, like cool, They're not wrong
Speaker 1: for being that way. They're just eccentric or that's their
Speaker 1: lifestyle choice or that's their orientation or whatever. It was
Speaker 1: great to grow up that way. I was always forgiving
Speaker 1: of other people and like open minded for like whoever
Speaker 1: they are. I realized later in life that it turns
Speaker 1: out that I thought forgiveness was a gift to someone else.
Speaker 1: You forgiving them was giving them a gift. I suppose
Speaker 1: it is. I never knew that there is an irony
Speaker 1: of all ironies, of that you are finally liberated, and
Speaker 1: you can't forgive to get to the liberation because it's
Speaker 1: fake and you don't get the reward. You have to truly,
Speaker 1: literally go I with every part of me, authentically and
Speaker 1: without wanting anything in return. I'm not even thinking about myself.
Speaker 1: I just forgive, I forgive you, I forgive this. Then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're like, oh no, and now
Speaker 1: I feel really good. How weird. But if I've ever
Speaker 1: tried to forgive something to feel better, it doesn't work. Now.
Speaker 1: It's not a technique. It's sort of bucket. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: it's not a technique. It's this true. I also found
Speaker 1: the ultimate form of liberation is change. When you like
Speaker 1: stopping drinking from me, and again not sober like, don't
Speaker 1: that's not it, I just don't drink. That's the only
Speaker 1: thing that's you would that's my lifestyle choice. I was
Speaker 1: so held back by this one thing my entire life
Speaker 1: that I swore I would master that. Why wouldn't I
Speaker 1: be convinced of that. I'm I'm not capable of change
Speaker 1: because it couldn't change it. So I'm just a failure
Speaker 1: in my inner voice and narrative. My only evidence in
Speaker 1: front of me is you're not capable of change because
Speaker 1: you haven't changed this thing. And then once I did,
Speaker 1: it was like, finally I believe that I'm capable of change.
Speaker 1: And that's you know, these things are symptoms. They're not
Speaker 1: the only problem. You can't like stop something that isn't
Speaker 1: working for you, and everything else falls into place. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of work around it that has to be done.
Speaker 1: And Barry's point wasn't like if you stop drinking, all
Speaker 1: your problems are going to go away. He's like, we
Speaker 1: just can't get to the work because this shame and
Speaker 1: guilt and like pattern is just it's going to prevent
Speaker 1: us from getting to the next level. So I'm out.
Speaker 1: And I was just like, God, I love this so much,
Speaker 1: and I knew he was right. Yeah, you're therapist quitting
Speaker 1: on you. It's pretty that's pretty inspiring because both therapists
Speaker 1: are like, oh, you're still broken, fantastic, I'll see you
Speaker 1: next week. I still have a job. And so I
Speaker 1: think if you're seeking guidance, wisdom, there be spiritual leadership
Speaker 1: whatever you are seeking out in this world. If you
Speaker 1: sense that person continues to feed and not help you
Speaker 1: grow and it's fine with you staying in the same place,
Speaker 1: I don't think that's a good sign. But I love
Speaker 1: that emphasis you're placing that. It wasn't ever about the
Speaker 1: external change. It wasn't just about oh, if you stopped
Speaker 1: drinking alcohol, then all your problems are solved. It was
Speaker 1: going on this in a journey for you. And I
Speaker 1: wonder when you're doing this, you've brought up two really
Speaker 1: important things. You brought up shame and guilt. And I
Speaker 1: think shame and guilt deep down, whether you meet someone
Speaker 1: who seems confident or whether you meet someone who's insecure,
Speaker 1: shame and guilt are right there. Right Even when someone
Speaker 1: feels confident or is acting confident, often there's a shame
Speaker 1: and guilt of some part of them they're trying to hide.
Speaker 1: And if someone's feeling insecure, it's because they shame and
Speaker 1: guilt themselves. Walk us through a bit about how those
Speaker 1: two were these bad friends of yours for a while
Speaker 1: and then you were eventually able to let them go.
Speaker 1: I'm just letting them go, especially with step with my mom.
Speaker 1: You know. I just I think most people idealize this
Speaker 1: sort of nuclear family, and I just have felt pain
Speaker 1: and guilt and shame my whole life that that wasn't
Speaker 1: our story, our life experience. It hurts me to know that,
Speaker 1: like there is pain there for her. For me, it
Speaker 1: just destroys me. So I'm working on that because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm forty seven. I can't I don't mean to be morbid,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to die carrying this with me,
Speaker 1: Like I will shift this. It's time. It's been long enough,
Speaker 1: I put enough time in. So I'm working on that
Speaker 1: with Barry right now, and I'm making some really good strides,
Speaker 1: and it's really hard, you know, I think these things
Speaker 1: are not easy. I felt a lot of guilt and
Speaker 1: shame around drinking because like a lot of my sort
Speaker 1: of least desirable experiences had probably something to do with
Speaker 1: me being drunk, you know. So I'm like amazing that
Speaker 1: you would keep doing something that doesn't serve you. I
Speaker 1: felt pain and guilt and shame every time I did,
Speaker 1: feel like I acted in a way that wasn't as
Speaker 1: gracious and patient as I wish I could always be.
Speaker 1: These are really go to overly available emotions that I
Speaker 1: am just like I can't be nearing fifty and still
Speaker 1: function like this. So like, you know, it's like kicking
Speaker 1: out bad roommates. You're just like, guess what, you are
Speaker 1: a sloppy, horrible person, you have bad energy, You're negative,
Speaker 1: you're messy, and like I can't live with you anymore.
Speaker 1: Like I want to get my own place and keep
Speaker 1: it tidy, and Jesus, like, how have I managed to
Speaker 1: put up with this for so long? It's like that's
Speaker 1: how I feel inside my body, and shame and guilt
Speaker 1: are roommates. I've had my whole life that I totally
Speaker 1: resent and like wish I could just give an eviction
Speaker 1: notice too. And I'm starting to like grow a pair
Speaker 1: and actually really take charge because I think, I know,
Speaker 1: like I'm running out of time, Like we don't live forever,
Speaker 1: and nobody wants to think about death or dying, but
Speaker 1: it's an inevitability that we all share in common, and
Speaker 1: we really don't even know actually when it's coming. So
Speaker 1: there's a part of me that's just like, I can't
Speaker 1: do this anymore. I'm fatigued, I'm exhausted. I'm desperate to
Speaker 1: know what the other side of this feels like. You know,
Speaker 1: we used to love forty five records and always the
Speaker 1: popular hit song was on the A side, and then
Speaker 1: we would play the B side and be like, this
Speaker 1: song's actually awesome. I'm like, what is the B side
Speaker 1: of my life? What is the life that isn't so
Speaker 1: corroded with self loathing, guilt, shame, beating up on myself
Speaker 1: all the time. People are like, you seem so positive.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you have no idea what I'm dealing with
Speaker 1: on the inside. It's so hard and heavy some days.
Speaker 1: But one thing that's I do I am glad is
Speaker 1: I don't stay stuck. And I don't stay I can
Speaker 1: tell that. I get. I can hear that in what
Speaker 1: you're saying and how you're saying it. I'm almost like, no,
Speaker 1: you got to get over that really fast. Don't blame
Speaker 1: people for stuff, don't stay stuck, get on with it,
Speaker 1: get out of bed, put one foot in front of
Speaker 1: the other start doing dishes, You'll start feeling better, I promise,
Speaker 1: Like cleaning is a very spiritual act. And put on
Speaker 1: a song and like all of a sudden, you'll be
Speaker 1: shaking your butt and like moving your body. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: doorphins will start to come. So I've had these fantasies
Speaker 1: of being Greta Garbow and my bed and my friends
Speaker 1: tending to my bed side or talking on the side
Speaker 1: on the phone like oh, we're really worried about her.
Speaker 1: You know, it just doesn't happen because it's just like
Speaker 1: I just am like, oh God, like except for funny
Speaker 1: enough with my drinking. My friends did do that. They
Speaker 1: were like, we gotta, we gotta get in there and
Speaker 1: be honest with her. And that's true friends. Friends who
Speaker 1: kick your butt and hold up mirrors to you or
Speaker 1: tell you when they don't like what they see or
Speaker 1: want you to see your reflection and feel good about it,
Speaker 1: that's true friendship. I'm all in for tough love, So
Speaker 1: I've been. You know, when I was in the institution,
Speaker 1: when I was thirteen, they assigned me a therapist, doctor
Speaker 1: George Blair, I'll never forget, And they had these groups
Speaker 1: A couple nights a week where they would invite all
Speaker 1: the families in and they would put someone in the
Speaker 1: circle and they would talk to their family very openly
Speaker 1: about what led to this crazy place we were all in.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't like a rehabilitation center. It was a
Speaker 1: full blown like institution. It was very hardcore. It was
Speaker 1: much more one flow of the cuckoo's nest. It wasn't
Speaker 1: like promises in Malibu. This was like real deal North Valley,
Speaker 1: like two years of you're locked in there. This is
Speaker 1: not a place you're allowed to leave. If you try
Speaker 1: to leave, they will deal with you accordingly, and it's
Speaker 1: not pretty so but what they would do is they
Speaker 1: would have these families sit around in a circle and
Speaker 1: they would encourage. There was no force, but it was
Speaker 1: sort of, you know, it was mandatory. They would sit
Speaker 1: that person down and they would sit them across from
Speaker 1: their family, and then all the families would sit around
Speaker 1: and they would talk honestly about what led to them
Speaker 1: being here, what was missing, what wasn't working with their family.
Speaker 1: There was sort of like you know, non aggressive confrontation
Speaker 1: about like you know, the parents were just as accountable
Speaker 1: as the kids. It was incredible and it shaped my
Speaker 1: life forever. It wasn't like, you know, we're all performers
Speaker 1: and we put it all out there like that wasn't
Speaker 1: what did it? I am witnessing when you don't sweep
Speaker 1: things under the carpet, when you do not let them
Speaker 1: rot and start to stink, when you are willing to
Speaker 1: be brave and put it out there and discuss it
Speaker 1: out in the open. It wasn't even in front of others.
Speaker 1: It was just to find your voice and talk directly
Speaker 1: to that person forever formed me. It's like that was
Speaker 1: such an important life journey that would color my path
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. And weirdly, when I
Speaker 1: found out this show might actually happen in twenty nineteen,
Speaker 1: I was like, not only have someone who's been sitting
Speaker 1: on the other side of an interview chair my whole life,
Speaker 1: and you kind of get fatigued on those same questions,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, what if this could weirdly be
Speaker 1: a little like that group night that we would have
Speaker 1: a couple times a week where we just sit in
Speaker 1: some chairs in a group of people and talk and
Speaker 1: we keep it real and a lot of it was
Speaker 1: really funny. People laughed, It was heart wrenching. It was emotional,
Speaker 1: it was humorous, it was insightful, it was raw. And
Speaker 1: I think I'm really having an AHA moment or an
Speaker 1: epiphany right now, because I'm like, am I running this
Speaker 1: show the way we did in those rooms? Like it
Speaker 1: just was really cool to find out that talking it
Speaker 1: out and being brave to tell your truths was a
Speaker 1: good thing. Those sound like some of the most special
Speaker 1: skills and tools that every one of us could use
Speaker 1: so early on, And the fact that you feel you're
Speaker 1: still using them after all this time, it's pretty remarkable.
Speaker 1: I have not associated the two until this moment, But
Speaker 1: I wasn't necessary really getting it from my job growing up.
Speaker 1: That wasn't as much as it was a like have
Speaker 1: all your emotions available. It was very structured in the work,
Speaker 1: and it was very spontaneous and creative and free, but
Speaker 1: it was for a purpose, and if anything, you were
Speaker 1: kind of pretending to be a different person, but like
Speaker 1: pulling on your real emotions that I had never experienced
Speaker 1: up into that point anything like it. And I've definitely
Speaker 1: conducted myself my whole life since I got out of there,
Speaker 1: as if I still go to those group nights like
Speaker 1: I want to put it out there. I want to
Speaker 1: encourage other people to not sit on things but discuss it.
Speaker 1: Be bold and not afraid of what other people are
Speaker 1: thinking and feeling when they're digesting your sort of deepest stuff.
Speaker 1: Letting out secrets can be really liberating. And I still
Speaker 1: feel like I have plenty and I'm just now like
Speaker 1: willing to even look at some like secrets and being
Speaker 1: afraid of what people are going to think is not good.
Speaker 1: It's not good at all. What do you think was
Speaker 1: well made it safe? Because I feel like that's what
Speaker 1: it is. We think that environments need to be loving
Speaker 1: or they need to be caring, but really it's a
Speaker 1: sense of safety that we're looking for. What made it
Speaker 1: feel safe the truth. The truth and the honesty and
Speaker 1: the lack of judgment. That's what made it safe. That
Speaker 1: people weren't going to Nobody alienated each other, No one
Speaker 1: treated each other less than we went on business as usual.
Speaker 1: We felt like we knew each other better. We were
Speaker 1: in an environment where people literally like kind of if
Speaker 1: you wanted to talk about it, you could, If you didn't,
Speaker 1: you didn't have to. But like, nobody made each other
Speaker 1: feel bad. So I think truth and not feeling judged
Speaker 1: or is what leads to safety. One of the things
Speaker 1: that Barry talked to me about, and I'll apply it
Speaker 1: to this also is if you're if you're not feeling safe,
Speaker 1: how can you make yourself feel safe if you're not
Speaker 1: getting that from others? How do you make it okay
Speaker 1: for you? And I went on a date with this guy.
Speaker 1: I thought it was the best date. I mean, it
Speaker 1: really was. It was like so good, and we made
Speaker 1: a plan for that weekend and we were texting back
Speaker 1: and forth and it was so cute, and I was like,
Speaker 1: and I really liked him. I was like, what a
Speaker 1: nice guy. I was attracted to him. I loved his
Speaker 1: job because he was, you know, in the news business,
Speaker 1: and like I love news. And I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is so cool. I never heard from him again, Like,
Speaker 1: I guess that's what you call getting doosted. I was like, whoa,
Speaker 1: that is so ooh wow, it's so weird. Okay. And
Speaker 1: I was talking to Barry and there's this sex in
Speaker 1: the city where this boyfriend of hers named Jack Berger
Speaker 1: breaks up with her on a post it note, and
Speaker 1: it became this pop culture phenomenon and The post it
Speaker 1: note reads, I'm sorry, I can't don't hate me now.
Speaker 1: We all took that and ran with it. The line
Speaker 1: was I this cannot be the day I get broken
Speaker 1: up with on a post it So they have this
Speaker 1: whole crazy adventure, but all of like pop culture and
Speaker 1: society was like, this is the worst thing ever. I'm like, Barry,
Speaker 1: that is the most giving thing that I could ever
Speaker 1: ask for in modern society being a single girl. I
Speaker 1: swear to God that's I'm sorry. Okay, great, I can't
Speaker 1: thank you now. I know where you're at. I know
Speaker 1: to move on. This is so informative that I appreciate
Speaker 1: the gracefulness and the graciousness of you, like just telling
Speaker 1: me there's no there there and don't hate me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I get it. You're being self effacing. You know this
Speaker 1: is maybe not kosher, but that's okay because it's your truth.
Speaker 1: You cannot be We can't be mad at people because
Speaker 1: they're not what we want them to be. And I
Speaker 1: was like, I just wish I could get that Jack
Speaker 1: Burger post it note, Barry, and he goes, well, you
Speaker 1: can write it to yourself, yes, And I literally was like, Barry,
Speaker 1: you just took out all the frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, unfinished business,
Speaker 1: lack of control, helplessness. I feel I feel good, I
Speaker 1: feel empowered. I feel like when I got on a
Speaker 1: bullhorn and share this wisdom, maybe this is a start.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh my god, it was the biggest gift
Speaker 1: I could have gotten. So I think we can apply
Speaker 1: that to a lot of things. It's like, I'm not
Speaker 1: feeling safe right now because I just told my truth. Okay,
Speaker 1: then maybe you can tell yourself why it was a
Speaker 1: good thing, why you are safe that there will not
Speaker 1: be consequences that are unsurvivable that come out of this scenario,
Speaker 1: and help yourself off the ledge by giving and fulfilling
Speaker 1: for yourself what we normally just tend to automatically look
Speaker 1: outward and to others for I think what you just
Speaker 1: said right now is not only great for someone who's
Speaker 1: receiving that type of note, but it's also important for
Speaker 1: someone who often postpones that note. So we know so
Speaker 1: many people that are in a relationship that don't want
Speaker 1: to be in it, but they don't want to be
Speaker 1: seen as the bad person, so they'll let it stay
Speaker 1: on for another six months, another twelve months, another eighteen months,
Speaker 1: and those people are in a prison. Correct They're a
Speaker 1: horrible jail that they have put themselves in by not
Speaker 1: dealing with it. I have a question for you, Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: how do you tell people to receive love? I think
Speaker 1: I'm really good at giving it. I'm great at giving
Speaker 1: it to my daughters and to my friends. But I've
Speaker 1: noticed how much of my history with the romantic space,
Speaker 1: I am so stuck. And I'm the person who doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be stuck. And I don't care necessarily what
Speaker 1: others do or what happens. I want to know what
Speaker 1: work I could do to take my walls down, believe
Speaker 1: and trust, because I am really trying to figure that
Speaker 1: out right now. I've sort of told myself I'm okay,
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm lucky. I have two kids, so I
Speaker 1: if it comes to and I have these amazing friends,
Speaker 1: and I have these beautiful coworkers, my cup really runneth
Speaker 1: over to the point where like I don't feel like
Speaker 1: I need love. I'm I'm abundant. I swear to God,
Speaker 1: I'm still scared or nervous or I don't have any
Speaker 1: information that shows me that that's a safe space. So
Speaker 1: how do I do that? I want to get some tissues,
Speaker 1: no pressure. Well, my first answer is going to be
Speaker 1: I have two things. One thing was what would Barry
Speaker 1: say right now? Like we should go to Barry? Like Barry,
Speaker 1: can we call you in? And like dial you in
Speaker 1: right now? I want to meet you? But no, genuinely
Speaker 1: like what would he say? I think obviously, I'm sure
Speaker 1: he's shared some beautiful wisdom and insight with you. A
Speaker 1: few things come to mind. The first thing is I
Speaker 1: think that we've placed romantic love. And I'm probably people
Speaker 1: may not agree with this, but I just want everyone
Speaker 1: to sit with this for a second. And I really
Speaker 1: do believe that this is something you will appreciate, you'll
Speaker 1: be able to receive. I really do believe that, And
Speaker 1: if anyone else doesn't, please sleep on it, please think
Speaker 1: about it. I really do believe that we have placed
Speaker 1: romantic love on the pedestal and the number one position
Speaker 1: podium of love. And so since we were born and raised,
Speaker 1: we've been told that finding the one is the ultimate
Speaker 1: expression and experience of love. And what's really fascinating is
Speaker 1: that if you look at any of the wisdom traditions,
Speaker 1: they don't feel that way, all the wisdom traditions would
Speaker 1: suggest that the love that you have for your coworkers,
Speaker 1: your friends, your family, the stranger on the street, the
Speaker 1: person driving the car, the person that you just bumped
Speaker 1: into the gross restore at the coffee shop, like the
Speaker 1: love that you can embody and experience and share with
Speaker 1: that person and receive from that person, that love that
Speaker 1: you can share with anyone and everyone you meet, that
Speaker 1: is actually the ultimate expression of love. And so what
Speaker 1: you just said that you're great at giving love to everyone.
Speaker 1: You have this beautiful full cup around you, But it's
Speaker 1: the wiring that's been put into our minds that without
Speaker 1: this we are incomplete, unfulfilled and undeserving. And so I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that as a way of saying to people
Speaker 1: you don't need to find someone to love. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying that, don't ever let that be it. There's so
Speaker 1: much more to what love truly is, and so we've
Speaker 1: got to change our order of what's love. You know,
Speaker 1: you look at the wisdom traditions and they'll say the
Speaker 1: closest thing to unconditional love is a mother's love for
Speaker 1: her child. Yeah, like that is like the closest thing
Speaker 1: to real unconditional love, like it's not talking about a
Speaker 1: love between two people who romantically got involved, Like that's beautiful.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's not beautiful. I'm just saying it's
Speaker 1: not it. I think it's okay. First of all, your
Speaker 1: answer is exactly what I was meant to hear, because
Speaker 1: I do feel that pressure. Like it's funny how I've
Speaker 1: been single for almost seven years and it's been some
Speaker 1: of the happiest years of my life. I feel so
Speaker 1: fulfilled that I'm almost like my walls are about fear
Speaker 1: of someone coming in and like tearing up the joint,
Speaker 1: you know, Like I don't know if I'm that's ready
Speaker 1: for someone to rock the boat of the goodness of
Speaker 1: the balance of the life I've ended up creating with
Speaker 1: my daughters, my friends, my co workers. When it didn't
Speaker 1: work out with their dad. That was a thing that
Speaker 1: took me many years to recover from because I so
Speaker 1: wanted the nuclear family. It turns out we are literally
Speaker 1: having the next best thing, or maybe even the plan
Speaker 1: that was in place all along that we have. We're
Speaker 1: so close. I love his wife so much, my children
Speaker 1: and I literally our stepmother Ali. I call her our stepmother.
Speaker 1: You know, she is the greatest. His mom and dad
Speaker 1: are grammy and poppy. I'm so close to him. His
Speaker 1: sister is one of my best friends, my children's aunt,
Speaker 1: and the mother of our three silly cousins. Like I
Speaker 1: never dreamt I'd have this big and beautiful of family.
Speaker 1: There's just not a legal marriage there, but there's every
Speaker 1: single thing else there. And since that stopped, I've just
Speaker 1: been okay. And I think it is a lot of
Speaker 1: societal pressure. And the reason I got so emotional asking
Speaker 1: you was because you're a monk and probably had set
Speaker 1: yourself up for the idea that you might not experience that.
Speaker 1: And I have probably given myself now and you have
Speaker 1: a beautiful marriage. I have probably told myself a narrative
Speaker 1: of you will not have that kind of love. But
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that I feel any less fulfilled. But
Speaker 1: I am in a mindset of, oh, that particular type
Speaker 1: of love is not available to you. Yeah. So I
Speaker 1: asked you, of all people, because you probably had that
Speaker 1: narrative in your head yourself at some point. Yeah, definite,
Speaker 1: And I couldn't agree more with you. Like that needs
Speaker 1: to be on billboards and like really a much more
Speaker 1: common confident understanding of love is love which is the
Speaker 1: best kind or the most important kind or the one
Speaker 1: you think you're supposed to have. That is not the point.
Speaker 1: And boy, I knew I should ask you, and I
Speaker 1: just got the most satisfactory answer. I've probably never verbalized
Speaker 1: that answer to anyone else either in this sort of forum,
Speaker 1: because I genuinely believed when you ask me that question,
Speaker 1: that you know obviously knowing that all types of love
Speaker 1: are available to everyone is an important things. That's a
Speaker 1: separate thing to focus on. But I think the hierarchy
Speaker 1: that we've placed on love is what's distorting our vision
Speaker 1: of And it follows you forever. I didn't have a
Speaker 1: relationship with my dad, he left before I was born.
Speaker 1: That I accepted that, you know, But like another woman
Speaker 1: will be like I'm forty five and not married or
Speaker 1: this or that, and it's like this society allows that
Speaker 1: to really haunt you in a different way than well
Speaker 1: when it comes to love and a man. My father
Speaker 1: and I didn't have that, but we move forward, or
Speaker 1: maybe it holds us back spiritually or emotionally, but not
Speaker 1: societ idol. Yeah, you're right, we have put that romantic
Speaker 1: love on a pedestal. That seems to like if you
Speaker 1: don't have that kind of love, it diminishes the other
Speaker 1: kinds of loves, which can be not only as equally
Speaker 1: fulfilling and satisfying. Gosh, that I really is. Well, that's
Speaker 1: society's problem, not our problem. Yeah. I know people who
Speaker 1: love their work but feel incomplete without that. I know
Speaker 1: people who love their children but feeling complete without that.
Speaker 1: I know people who have the love of their entire
Speaker 1: tribe and community, but feeling complete without that because of
Speaker 1: the way it's been portrayed. And I think that when
Speaker 1: you also put something on a pedestal like that, your
Speaker 1: expectations of that also go up. And that's no reason
Speaker 1: why that one causes us the most pain, because we
Speaker 1: also have more expectations of that partner than we do
Speaker 1: of our kids, of our parents, of our friends, of
Speaker 1: our family because of that pedestal too. I can't agree
Speaker 1: more else. So, like, I think it's bananas the way
Speaker 1: that people are so affected by the person they're in
Speaker 1: a you know, romantic relationship with. I always compare it
Speaker 1: to well, you wouldn't be it so upset if your
Speaker 1: friend did that, Like you'd just be direct, and you'd
Speaker 1: figure it out and you'd fix it, and you wouldn't
Speaker 1: take it so personally and flip out and have build
Speaker 1: up all these resentments. Like friends have a delicate relationship
Speaker 1: in a garden, you still have to attend to, but
Speaker 1: the reactions are way less heated. Why is it that
Speaker 1: the minute sexual stuff is involved, we literally like flip out,
Speaker 1: like what is going on? Yeah, that I've always been
Speaker 1: aware of. Yeah, I'm like, I really just wish I
Speaker 1: could have a relationship like I do with my friends
Speaker 1: because they're not so flipped out all the time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like we just deal. Like, Yeah, I'm so glad you
Speaker 1: asked me that, and thank you for opening up so much.
Speaker 1: But I was wondering that well, because I knew that
Speaker 1: you had probably also believed that this was not going
Speaker 1: to be available to you in life, and that is
Speaker 1: the place I've been in for the last seven years.
Speaker 1: But mine was elective and yours was elective, absolutely, So
Speaker 1: I was like, who better to ask this question too
Speaker 1: than someone who had purposefully shut themselves off to this
Speaker 1: in service of you know, for you it was your
Speaker 1: spirituality or religion. For me, it was for my kids.
Speaker 1: But again, I'm not dependent on them, Like I'm so
Speaker 1: aware of how much that would screw everything up, them, me,
Speaker 1: all of it, but they do inspire me to be
Speaker 1: my best self. No one's come along, no romantic partner,
Speaker 1: no one ever. My friends are the closest second. But
Speaker 1: they are the people that have come into my life
Speaker 1: that have truly encouraged, forced and inspired the greatest change
Speaker 1: I've done in my life. Yes, and I think when
Speaker 1: it's elective and it's not suppressed or repressed, or it's
Speaker 1: not done demanded. When it's done in that way, it
Speaker 1: can be really really powerful because you get it's almost
Speaker 1: like if everyone had a period of their life. I
Speaker 1: mean I often ask this question to people that I
Speaker 1: work with or clients that I coach, and it's that.
Speaker 1: I mean, I started dating when I was fourteen, probably
Speaker 1: like dating, I don't know how old you were when
Speaker 1: you started dating. My first boyfriend was when I was
Speaker 1: like in the third or fourth grade. Wow, and he
Speaker 1: was my first kid. No one would have dated me
Speaker 1: in the third or fourth grade. Well, but that was it,
Speaker 1: Like it ended there, It was it. It was very
Speaker 1: puppy love, It was very sweet, and it was very innocent. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I probably had my proper first girlfriend when I
Speaker 1: was fourteen, And I often ask people like between your
Speaker 1: first girlfriend to where you are now your first boyfriend
Speaker 1: or whatever it maybe till now, like how many days
Speaker 1: have you spent single? And for most people that answer
Speaker 1: isn't very long, Like I know people who could say
Speaker 1: three weeks, maybe six months, maybe nine months. Like when
Speaker 1: you look at a whole life and you start realize
Speaker 1: that we haven't really spent much time having the opportunity
Speaker 1: to seek and experience all the other types of love
Speaker 1: because we've been chasing this one type of love to
Speaker 1: fulfill on our needs. But it's so I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: you ask me that question genuinely well, and I really am, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I haven't prioritized myself. What if I actually
Speaker 1: made myself my partner? Absolutely? Like what if I invested
Speaker 1: in myself what I've invested in so many other people. Yes,
Speaker 1: in the form of these big, beautiful, chapter, adventurous, great
Speaker 1: romantic adventures that I've had, one of which led to
Speaker 1: the greatest meaning of my life. My kids, and I
Speaker 1: even feel weird saying my because they're their own people,
Speaker 1: but our kids, and it's been really great to prioritize
Speaker 1: myself and say, you know what, you have a lot
Speaker 1: of work to do. You've got to figure out how
Speaker 1: to be a parent. You've got to figure out how
Speaker 1: to raise your like inner child that like, you know,
Speaker 1: did a lot of work back then, but there's some
Speaker 1: adult perspective you didn't have. So there's new work that
Speaker 1: needs to be done. You need to work on. You know,
Speaker 1: maybe you've done the same thing over and over in
Speaker 1: your life, like occupationally speaking, like is there other stuff
Speaker 1: out there? Or are you happy just doing things over
Speaker 1: and over again the same way? Maybe you are, but
Speaker 1: like give yourself the chance to explore that. And I've
Speaker 1: had such big life changes and I've been there to
Speaker 1: support myself rather than again outward towards somebody else. I'm
Speaker 1: really a caretaker and we all imprint. So much of
Speaker 1: what we're dealing with becomes a very fifty fifty thing
Speaker 1: in a relationship, which is a beautiful gift. But you
Speaker 1: are taking in a lot of someone else's perspective and
Speaker 1: needs and stuff. And this is in such a great
Speaker 1: time for me. And something I said to my fellow
Speaker 1: co worker here Jen, earlier today we were something about
Speaker 1: some great guy came up and she was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: where are all those great guys? And she's such a
Speaker 1: marvelous woman and she's so rad and so awesome. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, Striker, not only are you
Speaker 1: obviously going to find someone or some people. Maybe it's one,
Speaker 1: maybe it's chapters, I said, but you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be so mad at you and you're gonna be
Speaker 1: so mad at yourself if you waste this time, because
Speaker 1: it's coming. He's coming, and you're not going to get
Speaker 1: this time back. So I always noticed too when I
Speaker 1: ask people in the audience how many of you guys
Speaker 1: are married? People raise their hands, and when I say
Speaker 1: how many of you are single? They all whoop. It's like,
Speaker 1: oh that's good, And there's like there is a celebratory
Speaker 1: pride that comes with being single. And I hope people
Speaker 1: hold this dearly, that these things, for better or worse,
Speaker 1: don't last. Yeah, you're gonna probably end up with someone.
Speaker 1: And so instead of like boo hooing through this time,
Speaker 1: love it like it because one day it might be
Speaker 1: gone and you'll romanticize looking back how great it was
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with yourself. Absolutely due I
Speaker 1: love that. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Speaker 1: That's what you should have said that it was really
Speaker 1: I love. Yeah. Well, I mean you need to on this,
Speaker 1: on this exact topic. I think it's unbelievable. I have
Speaker 1: one last question for you. You said at the beginning
Speaker 1: of our interview, you said that when you were a
Speaker 1: kid and you were observing people in the industry, I
Speaker 1: was saying observing you, and then you started talking about
Speaker 1: observing others. You said, I was always looking at people
Speaker 1: and trying to make sense of who I wanted to be. Yes, today,
Speaker 1: who do you want to be? Who is it that
Speaker 1: you look or not even who as a person, but
Speaker 1: who do you want to be? The values, the characters,
Speaker 1: the qualities, the inn a that you were speaking about.
Speaker 1: What are those things that you inspire for today? We
Speaker 1: heard a story about this couple. We have a section
Speaker 1: on our show called Drew's News. We had pulled up
Speaker 1: a story about the couple who was in a hundred
Speaker 1: years of age. I think they've been married for I
Speaker 1: don't know, eighties something years and they said when they
Speaker 1: were asked like, can you give a wisdom? And their
Speaker 1: wisdom was when you are getting in a row or
Speaker 1: a fight or something like take a time out there today?
Speaker 1: Who inspires me? Because again it does not have to
Speaker 1: be of the romantic kind. But when you see yourself rising,
Speaker 1: when that blood starts to boil, when you start to
Speaker 1: like clench and freak and get spun out instead of
Speaker 1: spewing that reaction and like Linda Blair exorcist all over
Speaker 1: the room, I will have such regret for any type
Speaker 1: of moment that I have like that, and I want
Speaker 1: to become the master of the person who knows how
Speaker 1: to excuse themselves. Walk away, take a deep breath. I
Speaker 1: have breathed written on my wrist in tattoo, and I
Speaker 1: still forget to look at it, like after one rich
Speaker 1: deep breath, after one removal of yourself in a situation,
Speaker 1: after one time out, after one walk away, you are
Speaker 1: not going to come back usually as spun out. So
Speaker 1: I think that for me is probably like the goal
Speaker 1: du jour in my life right now is like behavior
Speaker 1: mastery and funny enough, as far as the people I follow,
Speaker 1: it's the same people for the last thirty years. It's
Speaker 1: Nan and Chris and Peter and Brian and Steve. It's
Speaker 1: like Cameron and my oldest friend Mel we celebrate forty
Speaker 1: years this year. I stick with people because I'm still
Speaker 1: trying to become like them, but we have a hell
Speaker 1: a good time, like along the way. But I just
Speaker 1: have been in love with people who I think, God
Speaker 1: darn it, yeah, when I get to be like you,
Speaker 1: when I can learn to react like you, when I
Speaker 1: can live the way I see you living. Because they're
Speaker 1: not not fun. They're not not funny and spontaneous and
Speaker 1: cool and interesting and have a wild side like you.
Speaker 1: Don't have to be boring, Oh definitely not. But I
Speaker 1: think when you're a kid, at least I did, I
Speaker 1: thought you probably were. If you were an almighty person,
Speaker 1: you were probably a crashing bar So I wanted to
Speaker 1: hang out with all the rucket like. I wanted to
Speaker 1: be in the rumpest room with all the like kuckadoodles
Speaker 1: just like me. But everyone I admire they're just like
Speaker 1: really cool people too. They're fun and loving and and
Speaker 1: interesting and humorous. So it turns out all the people
Speaker 1: you admire don't have to be boring. They can be
Speaker 1: everything you want to be. Love that true. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Oh my god, I love you too. This
Speaker 1: is one of the most beautiful human exchanges that have had.
Speaker 1: It was such a special, special memory because I'm not interesting,
Speaker 1: because I feel like that's what you do and give
Speaker 1: to people every day. But it's I don't know, it's
Speaker 1: different when you really get to hear from the hot
Speaker 1: and speak from the hat. I was going to say,
Speaker 1: it feels so open hearted. Yeah, like you and I
Speaker 1: just like, you know, my dad used to say about
Speaker 1: like the body. It's just tupperware, man, it's just tupperware.
Speaker 1: That's good, and it's like it's true. It's like when
Speaker 1: do you sit down and sort of like unzip your
Speaker 1: chest and like reveal your organs and your heart. I'm like,
Speaker 1: for all those people who are romanticize the head in
Speaker 1: the heart, also, please pay attention to the gut. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. And Barry even says, like so many ancient wisdoms, yes,
Speaker 1: are really about the gut. It's all about the gut,
Speaker 1: the health, the insight, the instinct, you know, the truth
Speaker 1: that the alarm bells. Yeah, like God, pay attention. One
Speaker 1: thing as a mom I've really hooked and do in
Speaker 1: the last like year is telling my girls, I want
Speaker 1: you to pay attention to what feels good or makes
Speaker 1: you feel good, that's fantastic, let's go with that. But
Speaker 1: I want you to be as equally heightenedly aware of
Speaker 1: what doesn't make you feel good. Absolutely, and let's explore that.
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, it's so needed, it's so needed.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you raised that about the guides so
Speaker 1: easily missed, and I think we're just getting that now.
Speaker 1: Well it's not sax sat Heart and the head is poetry.
Speaker 1: Yeah h yeah, trust that because that's your little compass
Speaker 1: inside your body. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy
Speaker 1: my conversation with Megan Trainer on breaking generational trauma and
Speaker 1: how to be confident from the inside out.