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Speaker 1: I don't stay stuck, and I don't stay I can

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Speaker 1: tell that in what you're saying and how you're saying it.

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Speaker 1: I'm almost like, no, you gotta get over that really fast.

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Speaker 1: Don't blame people for stuff, don't stay stuck, get on

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Speaker 1: with it, get out of bed, put one foot in

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Speaker 1: front of the other, start doing dishes. You'll start feeling better,

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Speaker 1: I promise. Like cleaning is a very spiritual act. And

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Speaker 1: put on a song and like all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: you'll be shaking your butt. Jay. I think you were

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Speaker 1: one of the very first people who graced us with

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Speaker 1: your presence on our show. You know, like we were

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Speaker 1: such a new show and nobody wanted to talk. It

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Speaker 1: was the height of the pandemic. People really didn't know

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Speaker 1: what to say. I get it. I didn't know what

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Speaker 1: to say. I was like, I feel like, ironically, isn't

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Speaker 1: the world telling us to be quiet and listen? And

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Speaker 1: I have to go find my voice right now? It

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Speaker 1: feels very counter do it. But you were kind enough,

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Speaker 1: and I, you know, I get it. It's like I

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Speaker 1: think there was probably like what is this show and

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Speaker 1: why would we want to talk about stuff? You know

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Speaker 1: right now? But there was also such a need for

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Speaker 1: community at that time. But I just thank you for

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Speaker 1: coming on so early and daring to come on something

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Speaker 1: that we ourselves were literally in establishment mode. We were

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Speaker 1: trying to set it up for success in the way

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Speaker 1: that like we wanted it to be something we loved

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Speaker 1: and believed in, but everything was going to have to

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Speaker 1: be done differently. Yeah, definitely. You know in twenty nineteen

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Speaker 1: when we were making the show was not going to

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Speaker 1: be that show. But what did we keep, what did

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Speaker 1: we change? How do we pivot? How do we move forward?

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Speaker 1: So thank you because it makes a difference. When people

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Speaker 1: see you coming on the show, then they think, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's safe, maybe I'll try that. Well, no, I mean

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Speaker 1: thank you. I was actually so grateful that you thought

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Speaker 1: of me and invited me and the team reached out

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Speaker 1: to me. I was so looking forward to connecting with you.

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Speaker 1: I think you just have such a positive presence in

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Speaker 1: everything you do and your energy radios. When I met

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Speaker 1: you backstage, I was telling my team because Paul was

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Speaker 1: here with me last time when we came in person,

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Speaker 1: Helena wasn't, and I was saying to them backstage, I

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Speaker 1: was like that interaction we had had the lights been

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Speaker 1: on backstage, I would have shared it because it's such

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Speaker 1: a special interaction, like the energy you greeted me with

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Speaker 1: and the warmth that you had for me. I was

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Speaker 1: just like, Wow, I feel like I'm meeting a long

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Speaker 1: lost friend. And it was just such a special moment,

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Speaker 1: and no one got to see that. It was totally

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Speaker 1: behind cameras, but I wanted people to know because that's

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Speaker 1: who you are, and that's how you appeared to everyone

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Speaker 1: and approach everyone, whether you're backstage, on camera, off camera,

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Speaker 1: wherever you are. And so I saw that before, and

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful I got to see him person. And

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Speaker 1: I am so excited to be talking to you today.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of

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Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it

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Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to

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Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book.

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Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,

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Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.

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Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or

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Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that

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Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure

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Speaker 1: you grab this book, and I'd love to invite you

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Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.

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Speaker 1: Go to j shettytour dot com to learn more information

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Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: see you this year. I think it's also good to

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Speaker 1: be wary of people who are different in different places

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Speaker 1: and rooms, you know. That was always something like growing

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Speaker 1: up in the job that I did, there was a

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Speaker 1: lot of performative at people who were different in different rooms,

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Speaker 1: and then there were people who are attitudinally different and

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Speaker 1: different rooms, and it was like a very interesting juggling

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Speaker 1: act to see like why is this person different now

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Speaker 1: here as opposed to in the other room where they

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Speaker 1: Oh they were performing, they were doing a job, That's

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Speaker 1: why they're different. Why is this person a little different

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Speaker 1: here or there? Oh it's because of the person. Oh

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Speaker 1: that's interesting. So they don't treat everybody the same, noted

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Speaker 1: where are you on? Where you relaxed, where you utterly

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Speaker 1: yourself where? So human behavior was always like so fascinating

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Speaker 1: for me because I was trying to gauge like what

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Speaker 1: kind of human do I want to be? So I

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Speaker 1: was always looking at everybody's actions to sort of put

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Speaker 1: on the sifter of like what do I want to

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Speaker 1: keep and what do I want to just go away

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Speaker 1: and fall to the bottom. How early do you think

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Speaker 1: you started to do that, because I think that that's

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Speaker 1: a skill that we develop over time. And I like

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Speaker 1: what you said that it's not as simplistic as saying, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: that's a bad person. It's no, that's their job. They're performing,

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Speaker 1: they're working, and then sometimes it's the person, sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: the profession. But how early did you start noticing and observing?

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Speaker 1: Very early? My mom also was like I started working

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Speaker 1: eleven months old, but I remember my mom was part

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Speaker 1: of the seven months. Oh yeah, in a diaper, not

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Speaker 1: a EU from as a minute. Literally I started my

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Speaker 1: job in a diaper. It was a commercial, and people

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Speaker 1: thought that like ET was maybe my first job, but

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Speaker 1: it wasn't by a long shot. I had done a

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Speaker 1: lot of TV films, a lot of commercials, and even

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Speaker 1: a future film, so I felt comfortable at that point

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Speaker 1: when I went into ET. So I feel lucky that

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Speaker 1: I was blessed that I wasn't like a quivering lamb

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Speaker 1: in the field, like I was always very emboldened as

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Speaker 1: a kid I had so much like Moxie. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm probably a lot more shy, respectful, and cautious

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Speaker 1: now as an adult. When I was a kid, I

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Speaker 1: was so fearless. But I remember my mom was a

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Speaker 1: part of like this theater group at the Lee Strasburg

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Speaker 1: Institute who's a very famous acting teacher. He taught Paul

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Speaker 1: Newman and Mary le Monroe and Alpaccino. They were all

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Speaker 1: a part of like his you know, I wouldn't even

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Speaker 1: know how to put it, but group. And she was

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Speaker 1: doing a play there, and I remember like this one

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Speaker 1: woman who would go in the back every night before

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Speaker 1: her play and she would just lay on this stage

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Speaker 1: in a quiet room and like beat her chest and

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Speaker 1: cry out so primal, and that was such an interesting

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Speaker 1: thing to witness as a kid. I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's how she does it, Like that's how she gets

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Speaker 1: herself to be emotional and cry. So I was always clocking,

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Speaker 1: like whether it was how to do this job or

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Speaker 1: really I was hyper aware ever since I can remember

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Speaker 1: about how people treated each other. A lot of cliches

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Speaker 1: is like oh, if someone's like rude to a waiter,

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Speaker 1: like that was me as an infant, I was so

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Speaker 1: upset and put off by people who weren't nice to everyone.

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Speaker 1: And there were plenty of people in the job that

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Speaker 1: I was in that were a little coddled and you know,

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Speaker 1: but then I also saw people who you thought wouldn't

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Speaker 1: be shy because they were a performer, but they were.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, well, don't hold that against them.

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Speaker 1: That's just their real personality. Like I'm thinking, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: get this big, flamboyant, gregarious, you know, loud person, and

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Speaker 1: they're not on right now, they're turned off, and who

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Speaker 1: they are is actually this very gentle, quiet soul. Oh

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Speaker 1: you're the world's greatest comedian, but you're kind of dark

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Speaker 1: and moody. Okay, that wasn't what I was expecting, nor

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Speaker 1: is it what I want, but I have to accept

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Speaker 1: that's who you are. Yeah, okay, interesting. So you're observing

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Speaker 1: everybody so you can make fun of it all, but

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Speaker 1: if you let people in, you won't be able to

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Speaker 1: you keep a guard up on purpose, understood. So I

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Speaker 1: guess I was just always trying to figure out like

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Speaker 1: why people did what they did. But I still to

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Speaker 1: this day, like cruelty, arrogance, rudeness, short temperedness is just

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Speaker 1: I don't have time for it. And even worse, if

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Speaker 1: I am ever guilty of those things, Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: I take myself to task, probably worse than I would

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Speaker 1: anyone else. Yeah, that's it's It's hard, isn't it. You've

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Speaker 1: reminded me of When I was in the monastery. There

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Speaker 1: was one monk who was known for being pretty negative

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Speaker 1: and being that way. So he had this reputation where

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Speaker 1: he would always be negative, he'd be rude to people,

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Speaker 1: he'd be you know, he had what you're kind of

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Speaker 1: describing like, there was a bit of arrogance, there was

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Speaker 1: a bit of bravada, there was a bit of rudeness,

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Speaker 1: lack of sensitivity, everything that you're mentioning. And it's really

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Speaker 1: interesting because I used to really annoy me because I

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Speaker 1: kind of have a similar trait to you, where I

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Speaker 1: don't appreciate someone treating anyone special or not special, or

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Speaker 1: good or bad. Yea, And I think it's a hard

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Speaker 1: thing to manage when you're a busy individual, So I'm

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Speaker 1: getting in your sense, it's very difficult. So I would

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Speaker 1: often complain about him because he was always criticizing, complaining

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Speaker 1: and comparing and so I would often complain about him

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Speaker 1: to the other monks of like this guy, like, you know,

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Speaker 1: he's just always doing this. What's this monks deal? Literally

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Speaker 1: can you imagine? Like that's literally my question. Yeah, it

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Speaker 1: was really interesting because there are two sides of this,

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Speaker 1: and I want to hear your thoughts to this one thing.

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Speaker 1: One of the monks said to me, he looked, he

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Speaker 1: looked at me, and he said, what don't you like

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Speaker 1: about this individual? And I said, he's always comparing, complaining

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Speaker 1: and criticizing. And he said to me, what are you

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Speaker 1: doing right now? I said, I'm comparing complaining. And it

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Speaker 1: was like this like moment of like I had become

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Speaker 1: who I was mad at. So how did you stop yourself?

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Speaker 1: As my question, because you're very mindful, You've always I've

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Speaker 1: seen you the few moments I've spent with you or

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Speaker 1: whether we message, it's always been wonderful. How did you

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Speaker 1: stop yourself from letting that pain get so make you

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Speaker 1: cold or make you harsh to that person? Also, I

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Speaker 1: think it made me more kind and empathetic. And you know,

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Speaker 1: I also grew up in a job that's like heavy

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Speaker 1: on gossip or can be and rumor and hearsay and stuff,

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Speaker 1: and I found that in my life, everybody loves an

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Speaker 1: interesting story. I mean, we're all of our ears perk

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Speaker 1: up when we're like I think we're going to hear

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Speaker 1: something a little, you know, Silesia's a little crazy, a

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Speaker 1: little something. It's something to kind of marvel at. But

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Speaker 1: I realized that I am not a gossiper, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm more i'll keep your secrets. And it was sort

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Speaker 1: of the same thing. I've grew up around a lot

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Speaker 1: of people who also kind of talk trash about people,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I do not want to be

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Speaker 1: around that, nor be that person. So it also made

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Speaker 1: me like gravitate towards people who didn't do that. And

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Speaker 1: it's funny, you said, because you know, we get busy

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Speaker 1: and we have a lot of responsibilities, so I can

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Speaker 1: get sort of intense or its seemingly short tempered because

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Speaker 1: I'm tired and I'm trying to kind of barrel through

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Speaker 1: things like you do. Absolutely, Yeah, for sure, Okay, that

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Speaker 1: is so refreshing to hear, Like I asked my wife

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Speaker 1: because I was gonna have the show. Yeah, I love

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Speaker 1: your wife so much. I mean, you two were put

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Speaker 1: on this planet, like you are Freud's imago theory, like

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Speaker 1: two people who look alike are drawn to each other

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Speaker 1: in a mirror like sort of look in the water,

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Speaker 1: you know, and see your own reflection, And not based

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Speaker 1: in narcissism. It's based in like a familiarity. No, it really,

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Speaker 1: it's a beautiful theory. And no, So in those moments

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Speaker 1: I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I seem a little curt a

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Speaker 1: little short tempered, a little intense. I would say ninety

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Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of the time, I never think

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Speaker 1: I'm right for being that way, and I will find

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Speaker 1: myself maybe justifying here there, and even as I'm doing it,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you are so full of crap right now.

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Speaker 1: I really hold myself so critically accountable for wanting to

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Speaker 1: go Okay, Well, then you can't take this water back

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Speaker 1: and put it in the bottle. It's spilled all over

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Speaker 1: the floor. So how about next time try to remember

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Speaker 1: something about this that can be like a trigger so

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Speaker 1: that you can handle it differently. I think so much

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Speaker 1: of my adult life is becoming about the mastery of reaction,

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Speaker 1: knowing beautiful, I'm the only thing I can control. I

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Speaker 1: cannot control, and I work really deeply with this therapist

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Speaker 1: who I just I respect. He's honestly one of the

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Speaker 1: smartest individuals I've ever met. Like I'm talking like one hand,

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Speaker 1: like a true voice, and he quit me at one point,

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Speaker 1: Like that's how you know high road this human being is.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't deal in toxicity. If you're not getting better,

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Speaker 1: he's not feeding off of that and thinking, well, this

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Speaker 1: person's going to stay with me for many years. He's like,

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Speaker 1: our work cannot actually occur here, so I'm going to

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Speaker 1: step away. And I was like, God, you're good. I

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Speaker 1: love you even more. I respect you so much. And

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Speaker 1: I fought to break a cycle and a pattern that

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Speaker 1: he just after eight years was like I I can't

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Speaker 1: do this anymore. And it was drinking. And when I

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Speaker 1: was about two years and I'm not sober, I don't

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Speaker 1: work a program I have. I'll call in my house

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Speaker 1: like I party with my friends, you know, so I'm

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Speaker 1: not when I say I don't drink alcohol. It's just

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Speaker 1: like a one lane choice of realizing something that didn't

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Speaker 1: work for me. I thought I would master my whole life.

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Speaker 1: I don't. I can't. So after I had stopped for

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Speaker 1: about two years because drinking was like a symptom of

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Speaker 1: many problems, but it was the thing that was not

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Speaker 1: allowing me to get to those next places. I asked him,

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Speaker 1: will you please reconsider taking me back? I've put in

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Speaker 1: two years. I'm not stopping. I'm feeling really good. This

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Speaker 1: isn't for anyone else. It's not for you, It's for me.

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Speaker 1: I know that's what you've always wanted it. If you

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Speaker 1: do things for other people, it's so dangerous. They can

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Speaker 1: just take it away. It's a burden. It's you know,

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Speaker 1: there's no ownership in doing things for other people. It

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Speaker 1: comes to that really crucial work because I love doing

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Speaker 1: things for other people. It's just a matter of And

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Speaker 1: I think I'm a total codependent, like with my kids,

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Speaker 1: Like yeah, they're my whole source of life, joy, happiness,

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Speaker 1: and you know, motivation. So be it. I'm a codependent

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Speaker 1: who cares like but I'm also my own individual. They're

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Speaker 1: their own individuals and we've got to take care of

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Speaker 1: our side of the street. So I asked, could we

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Speaker 1: go back to working together? And we did, and now

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Speaker 1: we're doing the best work we've done in ten years.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of the work I do with Barry

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Speaker 1: now so much of this word comes up, which is inner,

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Speaker 1: and that's not something even though I think I was

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Speaker 1: really in touch with spirituality when I was a teenager.

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Speaker 1: It was so much a part of my salvation and

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Speaker 1: raising myself and getting emancipated at fourteen and living on

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Speaker 1: my own and being an adult my whole life and

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Speaker 1: not having any semblance of like what society says kids

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Speaker 1: are supposed to do with, like go to bed on time,

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Speaker 1: go to school, like eat, a balance me all all

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Speaker 1: that stuff. Like I just didn't have that in my universe.

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Speaker 1: But I love when Barry uses the word inner, This

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Speaker 1: rich inner life I'm trying to build that is the

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Speaker 1: place in which I can tap into reaction, processing, control,

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Speaker 1: all of those things. It's like there's really kind of

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Speaker 1: only one place that that truly can take place, and

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Speaker 1: it's the inner world. And I have spent my life

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Speaker 1: being an extrovert and going outwards, and that can be

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Speaker 1: being a love junkie, or being someone who loves to

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Speaker 1: be playful and call it perform or just put myself

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Speaker 1: out there, or affection or jokes and humor, or my

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Speaker 1: love of human beings, like it's all out out. And

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Speaker 1: this is the first time that I feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: really much more excited and ready to do this inner work.

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Speaker 1: And it's cool because it is. It is the place

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Speaker 1: where you can do so much more because a lot

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Speaker 1: of those things you want to do with the outside

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Speaker 1: world are not really possible or not really attainable, like control,

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Speaker 1: like you know, changing the way things are, or someone

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Speaker 1: out there or a situation or the world at large.

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Speaker 1: These things are not controllable. But inside your world, inside

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Speaker 1: your inner self, there's much to be done. You've got

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00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:59,080
Speaker 1: that's Away Travel dot Com Forward slash Ja. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: it sounds like with this over analyzing reflective self mastery

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Speaker 1: work that you're doing, it sounds like at the same

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Speaker 1: time as that, there's also a sense of self forgiveness

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Speaker 1: to be able to move on, especially from knowing that

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Speaker 1: as a child a you wouldn't have known about the

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Speaker 1: inner in that depth. You wouldn't have had the tools.

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Speaker 1: You were exposed to things as a child that nine

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Speaker 1: nine percent of children wouldn't be exposed to. So they've

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Speaker 1: also seems to be a sense of forgiveness for today

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Speaker 1: and also forgiveness for that time. Is that you know,

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Speaker 1: It's funny because I do think a lot of kids

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Speaker 1: go through just crazy stuff. I mean, yeah, when I

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Speaker 1: was in an institution for two years that my mom

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Speaker 1: put me in, it was it was an adult word too,

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Speaker 1: but it was also a kid ward. So all these

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Speaker 1: other kids I was in with, I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: they're going through it too. Whatever their roads you know,

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Speaker 1: took them to, you know, self destruction or abuse of

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Speaker 1: a substance or hurting themselves or being out of control

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Speaker 1: to the point where their parents didn't know what to

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Speaker 1: do with them. A lot of that is usually cries

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Speaker 1: for help and probably not their fault. Always, yes, of course,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, well, I guess I'm not alone

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Speaker 1: and you know, trying to you know, I'm not the

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Speaker 1: only one who are experiencing what we see as extraordinary circumstances.

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Speaker 1: Especially at a young age. They're heightened and they seem

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Speaker 1: wilder to adults. You're fourteen or thirteen and you're doing

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Speaker 1: these things like, oh, if you were in your twenties,

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Speaker 1: I guess that'd be more normal. That's such a good point. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've never thought about it like that yet. And then

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Speaker 1: they think about kids who are you know, challenged economically

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Speaker 1: or trying to get you know, in somewhere, or they

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Speaker 1: have to take care of their families or their latch

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Speaker 1: key kids, or they're trying to get into this country,

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Speaker 1: or they're you know, doing things that again, once again

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Speaker 1: we're saying, oh, this is not what children are supposed

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Speaker 1: to do. So I'm convinced that I'm one of many

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Speaker 1: that just kind of had stuff to deal with that

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Speaker 1: we wish ideally kids didn't have to deal with. But

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Speaker 1: a lot of them are. Yes. I just was never

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Speaker 1: taught like what forgiveness was of myself. But I've learned

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Speaker 1: along the way far ahead of self forgiveness because this

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Speaker 1: is a very new concept for me. So it's super fresh.

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00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: It's like an open wound and it is not sewed

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00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,800
Speaker 1: up shut yet by any means. I need stitches and

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00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 1: some isopropol. Like, I'm working on it. But I always

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Speaker 1: was forgiving of other people. I didn't. I grew up

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Speaker 1: in a very unjudgmental landscape, you know, like, for better

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Speaker 1: or worse. Hollywood is real open minded. It's real liberal.

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Speaker 1: And I don't mean politically, I just mean like artistic

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Speaker 1: people are kind of like a live and let live group,

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Speaker 1: which is super cool, and that was great growing up.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, so we can just kind of

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Speaker 1: let people be oh, okay, like cool, They're not wrong

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Speaker 1: for being that way. They're just eccentric or that's their

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00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:15,080
Speaker 1: lifestyle choice or that's their orientation or whatever. It was

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Speaker 1: great to grow up that way. I was always forgiving

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Speaker 1: of other people and like open minded for like whoever

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Speaker 1: they are. I realized later in life that it turns

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Speaker 1: out that I thought forgiveness was a gift to someone else.

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Speaker 1: You forgiving them was giving them a gift. I suppose

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Speaker 1: it is. I never knew that there is an irony

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Speaker 1: of all ironies, of that you are finally liberated, and

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Speaker 1: you can't forgive to get to the liberation because it's

422
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 1: fake and you don't get the reward. You have to truly,

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00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 1: literally go I with every part of me, authentically and

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00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: without wanting anything in return. I'm not even thinking about myself.

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00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:06,399
Speaker 1: I just forgive, I forgive you, I forgive this. Then

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00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,920
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're like, oh no, and now

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00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: I feel really good. How weird. But if I've ever

428
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,159
Speaker 1: tried to forgive something to feel better, it doesn't work. Now.

429
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 1: It's not a technique. It's sort of bucket. Yeah, no,

430
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,120
Speaker 1: it's not a technique. It's this true. I also found

431
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:27,159
Speaker 1: the ultimate form of liberation is change. When you like

432
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 1: stopping drinking from me, and again not sober like, don't

433
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 1: that's not it, I just don't drink. That's the only

434
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 1: thing that's you would that's my lifestyle choice. I was

435
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,160
Speaker 1: so held back by this one thing my entire life

436
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,960
Speaker 1: that I swore I would master that. Why wouldn't I

437
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: be convinced of that. I'm I'm not capable of change

438
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 1: because it couldn't change it. So I'm just a failure

439
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,040
Speaker 1: in my inner voice and narrative. My only evidence in

440
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 1: front of me is you're not capable of change because

441
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,880
Speaker 1: you haven't changed this thing. And then once I did,

442
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,560
Speaker 1: it was like, finally I believe that I'm capable of change.

443
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: And that's you know, these things are symptoms. They're not

444
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,400
Speaker 1: the only problem. You can't like stop something that isn't

445
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 1: working for you, and everything else falls into place. There's

446
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,440
Speaker 1: a lot of work around it that has to be done.

447
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 1: And Barry's point wasn't like if you stop drinking, all

448
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,639
Speaker 1: your problems are going to go away. He's like, we

449
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,560
Speaker 1: just can't get to the work because this shame and

450
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,439
Speaker 1: guilt and like pattern is just it's going to prevent

451
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 1: us from getting to the next level. So I'm out.

452
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,120
Speaker 1: And I was just like, God, I love this so much,

453
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,119
Speaker 1: and I knew he was right. Yeah, you're therapist quitting

454
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:48,440
Speaker 1: on you. It's pretty that's pretty inspiring because both therapists

455
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,239
Speaker 1: are like, oh, you're still broken, fantastic, I'll see you

456
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 1: next week. I still have a job. And so I

457
00:26:55,560 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 1: think if you're seeking guidance, wisdom, there be spiritual leadership

458
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 1: whatever you are seeking out in this world. If you

459
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: sense that person continues to feed and not help you

460
00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 1: grow and it's fine with you staying in the same place,

461
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: I don't think that's a good sign. But I love

462
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: that emphasis you're placing that. It wasn't ever about the

463
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 1: external change. It wasn't just about oh, if you stopped

464
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,359
Speaker 1: drinking alcohol, then all your problems are solved. It was

465
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,600
Speaker 1: going on this in a journey for you. And I

466
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,520
Speaker 1: wonder when you're doing this, you've brought up two really

467
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 1: important things. You brought up shame and guilt. And I

468
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: think shame and guilt deep down, whether you meet someone

469
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,399
Speaker 1: who seems confident or whether you meet someone who's insecure,

470
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,240
Speaker 1: shame and guilt are right there. Right Even when someone

471
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,240
Speaker 1: feels confident or is acting confident, often there's a shame

472
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,639
Speaker 1: and guilt of some part of them they're trying to hide.

473
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:53,119
Speaker 1: And if someone's feeling insecure, it's because they shame and

474
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,399
Speaker 1: guilt themselves. Walk us through a bit about how those

475
00:27:56,440 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 1: two were these bad friends of yours for a while

476
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,240
Speaker 1: and then you were eventually able to let them go.

477
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 1: I'm just letting them go, especially with step with my mom.

478
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,920
Speaker 1: You know. I just I think most people idealize this

479
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: sort of nuclear family, and I just have felt pain

480
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 1: and guilt and shame my whole life that that wasn't

481
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: our story, our life experience. It hurts me to know that,

482
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 1: like there is pain there for her. For me, it

483
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 1: just destroys me. So I'm working on that because I'm like,

484
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,320
Speaker 1: I'm forty seven. I can't I don't mean to be morbid,

485
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 1: but I don't want to die carrying this with me,

486
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 1: Like I will shift this. It's time. It's been long enough,

487
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: I put enough time in. So I'm working on that

488
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,680
Speaker 1: with Barry right now, and I'm making some really good strides,

489
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:57,240
Speaker 1: and it's really hard, you know, I think these things

490
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 1: are not easy. I felt a lot of guilt and

491
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 1: shame around drinking because like a lot of my sort

492
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:07,680
Speaker 1: of least desirable experiences had probably something to do with

493
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 1: me being drunk, you know. So I'm like amazing that

494
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 1: you would keep doing something that doesn't serve you. I

495
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,840
Speaker 1: felt pain and guilt and shame every time I did,

496
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,400
Speaker 1: feel like I acted in a way that wasn't as

497
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 1: gracious and patient as I wish I could always be.

498
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:34,600
Speaker 1: These are really go to overly available emotions that I

499
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 1: am just like I can't be nearing fifty and still

500
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 1: function like this. So like, you know, it's like kicking

501
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 1: out bad roommates. You're just like, guess what, you are

502
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 1: a sloppy, horrible person, you have bad energy, You're negative,

503
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 1: you're messy, and like I can't live with you anymore.

504
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 1: Like I want to get my own place and keep

505
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 1: it tidy, and Jesus, like, how have I managed to

506
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 1: put up with this for so long? It's like that's

507
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 1: how I feel inside my body, and shame and guilt

508
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,240
Speaker 1: are roommates. I've had my whole life that I totally

509
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,440
Speaker 1: resent and like wish I could just give an eviction

510
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: notice too. And I'm starting to like grow a pair

511
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 1: and actually really take charge because I think, I know,

512
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: like I'm running out of time, Like we don't live forever,

513
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 1: and nobody wants to think about death or dying, but

514
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 1: it's an inevitability that we all share in common, and

515
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 1: we really don't even know actually when it's coming. So

516
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:40,880
Speaker 1: there's a part of me that's just like, I can't

517
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 1: do this anymore. I'm fatigued, I'm exhausted. I'm desperate to

518
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:47,600
Speaker 1: know what the other side of this feels like. You know,

519
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,440
Speaker 1: we used to love forty five records and always the

520
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: popular hit song was on the A side, and then

521
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,720
Speaker 1: we would play the B side and be like, this

522
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:59,240
Speaker 1: song's actually awesome. I'm like, what is the B side

523
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 1: of my life? What is the life that isn't so

524
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:07,760
Speaker 1: corroded with self loathing, guilt, shame, beating up on myself

525
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 1: all the time. People are like, you seem so positive.

526
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, you have no idea what I'm dealing with

527
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:17,160
Speaker 1: on the inside. It's so hard and heavy some days.

528
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: But one thing that's I do I am glad is

529
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 1: I don't stay stuck. And I don't stay I can

530
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: tell that. I get. I can hear that in what

531
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: you're saying and how you're saying it. I'm almost like, no,

532
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 1: you got to get over that really fast. Don't blame

533
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 1: people for stuff, don't stay stuck, get on with it,

534
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: get out of bed, put one foot in front of

535
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 1: the other start doing dishes, You'll start feeling better, I promise,

536
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:46,120
Speaker 1: Like cleaning is a very spiritual act. And put on

537
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 1: a song and like all of a sudden, you'll be

538
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 1: shaking your butt and like moving your body. Yeah, and

539
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 1: doorphins will start to come. So I've had these fantasies

540
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: of being Greta Garbow and my bed and my friends

541
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: tending to my bed side or talking on the side

542
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: on the phone like oh, we're really worried about her.

543
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: You know, it just doesn't happen because it's just like

544
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: I just am like, oh God, like except for funny

545
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 1: enough with my drinking. My friends did do that. They

546
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,239
Speaker 1: were like, we gotta, we gotta get in there and

547
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 1: be honest with her. And that's true friends. Friends who

548
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:21,560
Speaker 1: kick your butt and hold up mirrors to you or

549
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 1: tell you when they don't like what they see or

550
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:26,560
Speaker 1: want you to see your reflection and feel good about it,

551
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 1: that's true friendship. I'm all in for tough love, So

552
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 1: I've been. You know, when I was in the institution,

553
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 1: when I was thirteen, they assigned me a therapist, doctor

554
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: George Blair, I'll never forget, And they had these groups

555
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 1: A couple nights a week where they would invite all

556
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: the families in and they would put someone in the

557
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 1: circle and they would talk to their family very openly

558
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,720
Speaker 1: about what led to this crazy place we were all in.

559
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 1: And it wasn't like a rehabilitation center. It was a

560
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 1: full blown like institution. It was very hardcore. It was

561
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 1: much more one flow of the cuckoo's nest. It wasn't

562
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 1: like promises in Malibu. This was like real deal North Valley,

563
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,640
Speaker 1: like two years of you're locked in there. This is

564
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: not a place you're allowed to leave. If you try

565
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: to leave, they will deal with you accordingly, and it's

566
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: not pretty so but what they would do is they

567
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:25,720
Speaker 1: would have these families sit around in a circle and

568
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 1: they would encourage. There was no force, but it was

569
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 1: sort of, you know, it was mandatory. They would sit

570
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 1: that person down and they would sit them across from

571
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: their family, and then all the families would sit around

572
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 1: and they would talk honestly about what led to them

573
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:47,200
Speaker 1: being here, what was missing, what wasn't working with their family.

574
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 1: There was sort of like you know, non aggressive confrontation

575
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 1: about like you know, the parents were just as accountable

576
00:33:55,800 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: as the kids. It was incredible and it shaped my

577
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 1: life forever. It wasn't like, you know, we're all performers

578
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: and we put it all out there like that wasn't

579
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:13,280
Speaker 1: what did it? I am witnessing when you don't sweep

580
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:16,040
Speaker 1: things under the carpet, when you do not let them

581
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:19,880
Speaker 1: rot and start to stink, when you are willing to

582
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,600
Speaker 1: be brave and put it out there and discuss it

583
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 1: out in the open. It wasn't even in front of others.

584
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 1: It was just to find your voice and talk directly

585
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:35,120
Speaker 1: to that person forever formed me. It's like that was

586
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:40,520
Speaker 1: such an important life journey that would color my path

587
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. And weirdly, when I

588
00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:48,080
Speaker 1: found out this show might actually happen in twenty nineteen,

589
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 1: I was like, not only have someone who's been sitting

590
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,240
Speaker 1: on the other side of an interview chair my whole life,

591
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: and you kind of get fatigued on those same questions,

592
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:01,400
Speaker 1: Like I was like, what if this could weirdly be

593
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:05,439
Speaker 1: a little like that group night that we would have

594
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 1: a couple times a week where we just sit in

595
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 1: some chairs in a group of people and talk and

596
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 1: we keep it real and a lot of it was

597
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:20,080
Speaker 1: really funny. People laughed, It was heart wrenching. It was emotional,

598
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 1: it was humorous, it was insightful, it was raw. And

599
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,120
Speaker 1: I think I'm really having an AHA moment or an

600
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,759
Speaker 1: epiphany right now, because I'm like, am I running this

601
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 1: show the way we did in those rooms? Like it

602
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:36,400
Speaker 1: just was really cool to find out that talking it

603
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 1: out and being brave to tell your truths was a

604
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,280
Speaker 1: good thing. Those sound like some of the most special

605
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 1: skills and tools that every one of us could use

606
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,279
Speaker 1: so early on, And the fact that you feel you're

607
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 1: still using them after all this time, it's pretty remarkable.

608
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: I have not associated the two until this moment, But

609
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 1: I wasn't necessary really getting it from my job growing up.

610
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,160
Speaker 1: That wasn't as much as it was a like have

611
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 1: all your emotions available. It was very structured in the work,

612
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: and it was very spontaneous and creative and free, but

613
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 1: it was for a purpose, and if anything, you were

614
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 1: kind of pretending to be a different person, but like

615
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:20,120
Speaker 1: pulling on your real emotions that I had never experienced

616
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,400
Speaker 1: up into that point anything like it. And I've definitely

617
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 1: conducted myself my whole life since I got out of there,

618
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,680
Speaker 1: as if I still go to those group nights like

619
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:33,960
Speaker 1: I want to put it out there. I want to

620
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:39,799
Speaker 1: encourage other people to not sit on things but discuss it.

621
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,319
Speaker 1: Be bold and not afraid of what other people are

622
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:50,280
Speaker 1: thinking and feeling when they're digesting your sort of deepest stuff.

623
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:55,759
Speaker 1: Letting out secrets can be really liberating. And I still

624
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 1: feel like I have plenty and I'm just now like

625
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 1: willing to even look at some like secrets and being

626
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: afraid of what people are going to think is not good.

627
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 1: It's not good at all. What do you think was

628
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: well made it safe? Because I feel like that's what

629
00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: it is. We think that environments need to be loving

630
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 1: or they need to be caring, but really it's a

631
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 1: sense of safety that we're looking for. What made it

632
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 1: feel safe the truth. The truth and the honesty and

633
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: the lack of judgment. That's what made it safe. That

634
00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:35,480
Speaker 1: people weren't going to Nobody alienated each other, No one

635
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 1: treated each other less than we went on business as usual.

636
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,680
Speaker 1: We felt like we knew each other better. We were

637
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 1: in an environment where people literally like kind of if

638
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:48,320
Speaker 1: you wanted to talk about it, you could, If you didn't,

639
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:51,640
Speaker 1: you didn't have to. But like, nobody made each other

640
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: feel bad. So I think truth and not feeling judged

641
00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:01,800
Speaker 1: or is what leads to safety. One of the things

642
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,279
Speaker 1: that Barry talked to me about, and I'll apply it

643
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: to this also is if you're if you're not feeling safe,

644
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,480
Speaker 1: how can you make yourself feel safe if you're not

645
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,960
Speaker 1: getting that from others? How do you make it okay

646
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 1: for you? And I went on a date with this guy.

647
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:20,400
Speaker 1: I thought it was the best date. I mean, it

648
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:25,319
Speaker 1: really was. It was like so good, and we made

649
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,520
Speaker 1: a plan for that weekend and we were texting back

650
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,640
Speaker 1: and forth and it was so cute, and I was like,

651
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: and I really liked him. I was like, what a

652
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: nice guy. I was attracted to him. I loved his

653
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: job because he was, you know, in the news business,

654
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,479
Speaker 1: and like I love news. And I'm like, oh my god,

655
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 1: this is so cool. I never heard from him again, Like,

656
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,240
Speaker 1: I guess that's what you call getting doosted. I was like, whoa,

657
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 1: that is so ooh wow, it's so weird. Okay. And

658
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,239
Speaker 1: I was talking to Barry and there's this sex in

659
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: the city where this boyfriend of hers named Jack Berger

660
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,400
Speaker 1: breaks up with her on a post it note, and

661
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:09,200
Speaker 1: it became this pop culture phenomenon and The post it

662
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:14,400
Speaker 1: note reads, I'm sorry, I can't don't hate me now.

663
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:17,680
Speaker 1: We all took that and ran with it. The line

664
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:19,920
Speaker 1: was I this cannot be the day I get broken

665
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 1: up with on a post it So they have this

666
00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 1: whole crazy adventure, but all of like pop culture and

667
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 1: society was like, this is the worst thing ever. I'm like, Barry,

668
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 1: that is the most giving thing that I could ever

669
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:41,560
Speaker 1: ask for in modern society being a single girl. I

670
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:47,520
Speaker 1: swear to God that's I'm sorry. Okay, great, I can't

671
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: thank you now. I know where you're at. I know

672
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 1: to move on. This is so informative that I appreciate

673
00:39:55,400 --> 00:40:00,440
Speaker 1: the gracefulness and the graciousness of you, like just telling

674
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 1: me there's no there there and don't hate me. Okay,

675
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,719
Speaker 1: I get it. You're being self effacing. You know this

676
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,400
Speaker 1: is maybe not kosher, but that's okay because it's your truth.

677
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:15,759
Speaker 1: You cannot be We can't be mad at people because

678
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: they're not what we want them to be. And I

679
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 1: was like, I just wish I could get that Jack

680
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:26,000
Speaker 1: Burger post it note, Barry, and he goes, well, you

681
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:32,680
Speaker 1: can write it to yourself, yes, And I literally was like, Barry,

682
00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 1: you just took out all the frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, unfinished business,

683
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:44,120
Speaker 1: lack of control, helplessness. I feel I feel good, I

684
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 1: feel empowered. I feel like when I got on a

685
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 1: bullhorn and share this wisdom, maybe this is a start.

686
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,879
Speaker 1: It's like, oh my god, it was the biggest gift

687
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 1: I could have gotten. So I think we can apply

688
00:40:57,239 --> 00:41:00,200
Speaker 1: that to a lot of things. It's like, I'm not

689
00:41:00,239 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 1: feeling safe right now because I just told my truth. Okay,

690
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,880
Speaker 1: then maybe you can tell yourself why it was a

691
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: good thing, why you are safe that there will not

692
00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:15,040
Speaker 1: be consequences that are unsurvivable that come out of this scenario,

693
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 1: and help yourself off the ledge by giving and fulfilling

694
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,479
Speaker 1: for yourself what we normally just tend to automatically look

695
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 1: outward and to others for I think what you just

696
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:31,200
Speaker 1: said right now is not only great for someone who's

697
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 1: receiving that type of note, but it's also important for

698
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:39,400
Speaker 1: someone who often postpones that note. So we know so

699
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:42,319
Speaker 1: many people that are in a relationship that don't want

700
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 1: to be in it, but they don't want to be

701
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 1: seen as the bad person, so they'll let it stay

702
00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:50,880
Speaker 1: on for another six months, another twelve months, another eighteen months,

703
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,719
Speaker 1: and those people are in a prison. Correct They're a

704
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:57,480
Speaker 1: horrible jail that they have put themselves in by not

705
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:01,040
Speaker 1: dealing with it. I have a question for you, Yeah, okay,

706
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:08,160
Speaker 1: how do you tell people to receive love? I think

707
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:13,280
Speaker 1: I'm really good at giving it. I'm great at giving

708
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:17,320
Speaker 1: it to my daughters and to my friends. But I've

709
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 1: noticed how much of my history with the romantic space,

710
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:32,920
Speaker 1: I am so stuck. And I'm the person who doesn't

711
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:39,359
Speaker 1: want to be stuck. And I don't care necessarily what

712
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:43,719
Speaker 1: others do or what happens. I want to know what

713
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:49,720
Speaker 1: work I could do to take my walls down, believe

714
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 1: and trust, because I am really trying to figure that

715
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:59,080
Speaker 1: out right now. I've sort of told myself I'm okay,

716
00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:02,920
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm lucky. I have two kids, so I

717
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:05,840
Speaker 1: if it comes to and I have these amazing friends,

718
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,280
Speaker 1: and I have these beautiful coworkers, my cup really runneth

719
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:13,600
Speaker 1: over to the point where like I don't feel like

720
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:18,520
Speaker 1: I need love. I'm I'm abundant. I swear to God,

721
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:24,200
Speaker 1: I'm still scared or nervous or I don't have any

722
00:43:24,239 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 1: information that shows me that that's a safe space. So

723
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:35,520
Speaker 1: how do I do that? I want to get some tissues,

724
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 1: no pressure. Well, my first answer is going to be

725
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:42,240
Speaker 1: I have two things. One thing was what would Barry

726
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: say right now? Like we should go to Barry? Like Barry,

727
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,279
Speaker 1: can we call you in? And like dial you in

728
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 1: right now? I want to meet you? But no, genuinely

729
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:54,839
Speaker 1: like what would he say? I think obviously, I'm sure

730
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: he's shared some beautiful wisdom and insight with you. A

731
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 1: few things come to mind. The first thing is I

732
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:05,360
Speaker 1: think that we've placed romantic love. And I'm probably people

733
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:07,600
Speaker 1: may not agree with this, but I just want everyone

734
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 1: to sit with this for a second. And I really

735
00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:13,600
Speaker 1: do believe that this is something you will appreciate, you'll

736
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:16,680
Speaker 1: be able to receive. I really do believe that, And

737
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 1: if anyone else doesn't, please sleep on it, please think

738
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: about it. I really do believe that we have placed

739
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 1: romantic love on the pedestal and the number one position

740
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:32,719
Speaker 1: podium of love. And so since we were born and raised,

741
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 1: we've been told that finding the one is the ultimate

742
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:42,800
Speaker 1: expression and experience of love. And what's really fascinating is

743
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 1: that if you look at any of the wisdom traditions,

744
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:48,640
Speaker 1: they don't feel that way, all the wisdom traditions would

745
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:51,640
Speaker 1: suggest that the love that you have for your coworkers,

746
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 1: your friends, your family, the stranger on the street, the

747
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 1: person driving the car, the person that you just bumped

748
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:01,600
Speaker 1: into the gross restore at the coffee shop, like the

749
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 1: love that you can embody and experience and share with

750
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 1: that person and receive from that person, that love that

751
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,520
Speaker 1: you can share with anyone and everyone you meet, that

752
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: is actually the ultimate expression of love. And so what

753
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 1: you just said that you're great at giving love to everyone.

754
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 1: You have this beautiful full cup around you, But it's

755
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,480
Speaker 1: the wiring that's been put into our minds that without

756
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:33,879
Speaker 1: this we are incomplete, unfulfilled and undeserving. And so I'm

757
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:35,680
Speaker 1: not saying that as a way of saying to people

758
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,120
Speaker 1: you don't need to find someone to love. I'm just

759
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:43,319
Speaker 1: saying that, don't ever let that be it. There's so

760
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:47,279
Speaker 1: much more to what love truly is, and so we've

761
00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:50,759
Speaker 1: got to change our order of what's love. You know,

762
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:52,799
Speaker 1: you look at the wisdom traditions and they'll say the

763
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:55,960
Speaker 1: closest thing to unconditional love is a mother's love for

764
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,160
Speaker 1: her child. Yeah, like that is like the closest thing

765
00:45:59,239 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 1: to real unconditional love, like it's not talking about a

766
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 1: love between two people who romantically got involved, Like that's beautiful.

767
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:08,480
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's not beautiful. I'm just saying it's

768
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 1: not it. I think it's okay. First of all, your

769
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:17,400
Speaker 1: answer is exactly what I was meant to hear, because

770
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 1: I do feel that pressure. Like it's funny how I've

771
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:27,120
Speaker 1: been single for almost seven years and it's been some

772
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:30,560
Speaker 1: of the happiest years of my life. I feel so

773
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:36,560
Speaker 1: fulfilled that I'm almost like my walls are about fear

774
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:39,960
Speaker 1: of someone coming in and like tearing up the joint,

775
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:44,240
Speaker 1: you know, Like I don't know if I'm that's ready

776
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:47,399
Speaker 1: for someone to rock the boat of the goodness of

777
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:52,000
Speaker 1: the balance of the life I've ended up creating with

778
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,680
Speaker 1: my daughters, my friends, my co workers. When it didn't

779
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:58,560
Speaker 1: work out with their dad. That was a thing that

780
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:01,279
Speaker 1: took me many years to recover from because I so

781
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:04,920
Speaker 1: wanted the nuclear family. It turns out we are literally

782
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:08,920
Speaker 1: having the next best thing, or maybe even the plan

783
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:12,399
Speaker 1: that was in place all along that we have. We're

784
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:16,800
Speaker 1: so close. I love his wife so much, my children

785
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:20,360
Speaker 1: and I literally our stepmother Ali. I call her our stepmother.

786
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: You know, she is the greatest. His mom and dad

787
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,799
Speaker 1: are grammy and poppy. I'm so close to him. His

788
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 1: sister is one of my best friends, my children's aunt,

789
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,960
Speaker 1: and the mother of our three silly cousins. Like I

790
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:39,840
Speaker 1: never dreamt I'd have this big and beautiful of family.

791
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 1: There's just not a legal marriage there, but there's every

792
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: single thing else there. And since that stopped, I've just

793
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,880
Speaker 1: been okay. And I think it is a lot of

794
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:55,800
Speaker 1: societal pressure. And the reason I got so emotional asking

795
00:47:55,880 --> 00:48:01,880
Speaker 1: you was because you're a monk and probably had set

796
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:06,600
Speaker 1: yourself up for the idea that you might not experience that.

797
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,840
Speaker 1: And I have probably given myself now and you have

798
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 1: a beautiful marriage. I have probably told myself a narrative

799
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,400
Speaker 1: of you will not have that kind of love. But

800
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that I feel any less fulfilled. But

801
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,800
Speaker 1: I am in a mindset of, oh, that particular type

802
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:29,839
Speaker 1: of love is not available to you. Yeah. So I

803
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:34,960
Speaker 1: asked you, of all people, because you probably had that

804
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 1: narrative in your head yourself at some point. Yeah, definite,

805
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:43,000
Speaker 1: And I couldn't agree more with you. Like that needs

806
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:47,799
Speaker 1: to be on billboards and like really a much more

807
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:55,279
Speaker 1: common confident understanding of love is love which is the

808
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:58,680
Speaker 1: best kind or the most important kind or the one

809
00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:02,000
Speaker 1: you think you're supposed to have. That is not the point.

810
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,640
Speaker 1: And boy, I knew I should ask you, and I

811
00:49:05,719 --> 00:49:09,440
Speaker 1: just got the most satisfactory answer. I've probably never verbalized

812
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 1: that answer to anyone else either in this sort of forum,

813
00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:15,440
Speaker 1: because I genuinely believed when you ask me that question,

814
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:18,239
Speaker 1: that you know obviously knowing that all types of love

815
00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:21,239
Speaker 1: are available to everyone is an important things. That's a

816
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:24,560
Speaker 1: separate thing to focus on. But I think the hierarchy

817
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:29,000
Speaker 1: that we've placed on love is what's distorting our vision

818
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:33,120
Speaker 1: of And it follows you forever. I didn't have a

819
00:49:33,239 --> 00:49:36,320
Speaker 1: relationship with my dad, he left before I was born.

820
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:41,200
Speaker 1: That I accepted that, you know, But like another woman

821
00:49:41,239 --> 00:49:44,279
Speaker 1: will be like I'm forty five and not married or

822
00:49:44,320 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 1: this or that, and it's like this society allows that

823
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,200
Speaker 1: to really haunt you in a different way than well

824
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,000
Speaker 1: when it comes to love and a man. My father

825
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 1: and I didn't have that, but we move forward, or

826
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:59,520
Speaker 1: maybe it holds us back spiritually or emotionally, but not

827
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:03,680
Speaker 1: societ idol. Yeah, you're right, we have put that romantic

828
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 1: love on a pedestal. That seems to like if you

829
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:12,160
Speaker 1: don't have that kind of love, it diminishes the other

830
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,680
Speaker 1: kinds of loves, which can be not only as equally

831
00:50:15,760 --> 00:50:21,200
Speaker 1: fulfilling and satisfying. Gosh, that I really is. Well, that's

832
00:50:21,239 --> 00:50:24,759
Speaker 1: society's problem, not our problem. Yeah. I know people who

833
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:28,360
Speaker 1: love their work but feel incomplete without that. I know

834
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:31,040
Speaker 1: people who love their children but feeling complete without that.

835
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:33,360
Speaker 1: I know people who have the love of their entire

836
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 1: tribe and community, but feeling complete without that because of

837
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,439
Speaker 1: the way it's been portrayed. And I think that when

838
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:43,319
Speaker 1: you also put something on a pedestal like that, your

839
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:46,280
Speaker 1: expectations of that also go up. And that's no reason

840
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:48,839
Speaker 1: why that one causes us the most pain, because we

841
00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:51,799
Speaker 1: also have more expectations of that partner than we do

842
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,120
Speaker 1: of our kids, of our parents, of our friends, of

843
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:57,520
Speaker 1: our family because of that pedestal too. I can't agree

844
00:50:57,520 --> 00:51:00,279
Speaker 1: more else. So, like, I think it's bananas the way

845
00:51:00,280 --> 00:51:03,640
Speaker 1: that people are so affected by the person they're in

846
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:07,680
Speaker 1: a you know, romantic relationship with. I always compare it

847
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:09,640
Speaker 1: to well, you wouldn't be it so upset if your

848
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:13,000
Speaker 1: friend did that, Like you'd just be direct, and you'd

849
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:14,960
Speaker 1: figure it out and you'd fix it, and you wouldn't

850
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 1: take it so personally and flip out and have build

851
00:51:18,719 --> 00:51:23,359
Speaker 1: up all these resentments. Like friends have a delicate relationship

852
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:25,239
Speaker 1: in a garden, you still have to attend to, but

853
00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:30,880
Speaker 1: the reactions are way less heated. Why is it that

854
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:36,279
Speaker 1: the minute sexual stuff is involved, we literally like flip out,

855
00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 1: like what is going on? Yeah, that I've always been

856
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:43,000
Speaker 1: aware of. Yeah, I'm like, I really just wish I

857
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 1: could have a relationship like I do with my friends

858
00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:48,359
Speaker 1: because they're not so flipped out all the time. Yeah,

859
00:51:48,680 --> 00:51:52,680
Speaker 1: like we just deal. Like, Yeah, I'm so glad you

860
00:51:52,760 --> 00:51:54,680
Speaker 1: asked me that, and thank you for opening up so much.

861
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:57,080
Speaker 1: But I was wondering that well, because I knew that

862
00:51:57,160 --> 00:52:00,360
Speaker 1: you had probably also believed that this was not going

863
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: to be available to you in life, and that is

864
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:05,360
Speaker 1: the place I've been in for the last seven years.

865
00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:09,319
Speaker 1: But mine was elective and yours was elective, absolutely, So

866
00:52:09,360 --> 00:52:12,440
Speaker 1: I was like, who better to ask this question too

867
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:17,799
Speaker 1: than someone who had purposefully shut themselves off to this

868
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:21,839
Speaker 1: in service of you know, for you it was your

869
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:25,200
Speaker 1: spirituality or religion. For me, it was for my kids.

870
00:52:25,719 --> 00:52:29,920
Speaker 1: But again, I'm not dependent on them, Like I'm so

871
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:33,799
Speaker 1: aware of how much that would screw everything up, them, me,

872
00:52:34,040 --> 00:52:37,239
Speaker 1: all of it, but they do inspire me to be

873
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:41,120
Speaker 1: my best self. No one's come along, no romantic partner,

874
00:52:41,760 --> 00:52:45,399
Speaker 1: no one ever. My friends are the closest second. But

875
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,600
Speaker 1: they are the people that have come into my life

876
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:53,520
Speaker 1: that have truly encouraged, forced and inspired the greatest change

877
00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:56,799
Speaker 1: I've done in my life. Yes, and I think when

878
00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,319
Speaker 1: it's elective and it's not suppressed or repressed, or it's

879
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:04,239
Speaker 1: not done demanded. When it's done in that way, it

880
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:07,360
Speaker 1: can be really really powerful because you get it's almost

881
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,440
Speaker 1: like if everyone had a period of their life. I

882
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:12,640
Speaker 1: mean I often ask this question to people that I

883
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:14,920
Speaker 1: work with or clients that I coach, and it's that.

884
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:19,120
Speaker 1: I mean, I started dating when I was fourteen, probably

885
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 1: like dating, I don't know how old you were when

886
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:24,879
Speaker 1: you started dating. My first boyfriend was when I was

887
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:27,920
Speaker 1: like in the third or fourth grade. Wow, and he

888
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:29,600
Speaker 1: was my first kid. No one would have dated me

889
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:31,680
Speaker 1: in the third or fourth grade. Well, but that was it,

890
00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:33,960
Speaker 1: Like it ended there, It was it. It was very

891
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:37,799
Speaker 1: puppy love, It was very sweet, and it was very innocent. Yeah,

892
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,719
Speaker 1: so I probably had my proper first girlfriend when I

893
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,359
Speaker 1: was fourteen, And I often ask people like between your

894
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:44,400
Speaker 1: first girlfriend to where you are now your first boyfriend

895
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:47,359
Speaker 1: or whatever it maybe till now, like how many days

896
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 1: have you spent single? And for most people that answer

897
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:53,480
Speaker 1: isn't very long, Like I know people who could say

898
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 1: three weeks, maybe six months, maybe nine months. Like when

899
00:53:57,640 --> 00:54:00,000
Speaker 1: you look at a whole life and you start realize

900
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:04,680
Speaker 1: that we haven't really spent much time having the opportunity

901
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,759
Speaker 1: to seek and experience all the other types of love

902
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:10,640
Speaker 1: because we've been chasing this one type of love to

903
00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 1: fulfill on our needs. But it's so I'm so grateful

904
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:16,799
Speaker 1: you ask me that question genuinely well, and I really am, Like,

905
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 1: I'm like, I haven't prioritized myself. What if I actually

906
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:27,040
Speaker 1: made myself my partner? Absolutely? Like what if I invested

907
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:31,839
Speaker 1: in myself what I've invested in so many other people. Yes,

908
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,839
Speaker 1: in the form of these big, beautiful, chapter, adventurous, great

909
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:39,640
Speaker 1: romantic adventures that I've had, one of which led to

910
00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:43,200
Speaker 1: the greatest meaning of my life. My kids, and I

911
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:46,080
Speaker 1: even feel weird saying my because they're their own people,

912
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 1: but our kids, and it's been really great to prioritize

913
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: myself and say, you know what, you have a lot

914
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:01,239
Speaker 1: of work to do. You've got to figure out how

915
00:55:01,239 --> 00:55:03,399
Speaker 1: to be a parent. You've got to figure out how

916
00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:08,040
Speaker 1: to raise your like inner child that like, you know,

917
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:11,080
Speaker 1: did a lot of work back then, but there's some

918
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:14,799
Speaker 1: adult perspective you didn't have. So there's new work that

919
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:18,319
Speaker 1: needs to be done. You need to work on. You know,

920
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:21,360
Speaker 1: maybe you've done the same thing over and over in

921
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:25,960
Speaker 1: your life, like occupationally speaking, like is there other stuff

922
00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 1: out there? Or are you happy just doing things over

923
00:55:29,719 --> 00:55:31,960
Speaker 1: and over again the same way? Maybe you are, but

924
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:35,919
Speaker 1: like give yourself the chance to explore that. And I've

925
00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: had such big life changes and I've been there to

926
00:55:38,239 --> 00:55:44,120
Speaker 1: support myself rather than again outward towards somebody else. I'm

927
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:48,399
Speaker 1: really a caretaker and we all imprint. So much of

928
00:55:48,440 --> 00:55:51,160
Speaker 1: what we're dealing with becomes a very fifty fifty thing

929
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:54,160
Speaker 1: in a relationship, which is a beautiful gift. But you

930
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 1: are taking in a lot of someone else's perspective and

931
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:01,520
Speaker 1: needs and stuff. And this is in such a great

932
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:06,960
Speaker 1: time for me. And something I said to my fellow

933
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 1: co worker here Jen, earlier today we were something about

934
00:56:13,680 --> 00:56:16,960
Speaker 1: some great guy came up and she was like, Oh,

935
00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:20,040
Speaker 1: where are all those great guys? And she's such a

936
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:23,400
Speaker 1: marvelous woman and she's so rad and so awesome. And

937
00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:26,359
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, Striker, not only are you

938
00:56:26,480 --> 00:56:30,480
Speaker 1: obviously going to find someone or some people. Maybe it's one,

939
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:35,640
Speaker 1: maybe it's chapters, I said, but you know what, I'm

940
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:38,279
Speaker 1: gonna be so mad at you and you're gonna be

941
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:42,160
Speaker 1: so mad at yourself if you waste this time, because

942
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 1: it's coming. He's coming, and you're not going to get

943
00:56:47,160 --> 00:56:51,239
Speaker 1: this time back. So I always noticed too when I

944
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,799
Speaker 1: ask people in the audience how many of you guys

945
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 1: are married? People raise their hands, and when I say

946
00:56:56,520 --> 00:56:59,520
Speaker 1: how many of you are single? They all whoop. It's like,

947
00:57:00,120 --> 00:57:04,000
Speaker 1: oh that's good, And there's like there is a celebratory

948
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:07,360
Speaker 1: pride that comes with being single. And I hope people

949
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:11,680
Speaker 1: hold this dearly, that these things, for better or worse,

950
00:57:11,880 --> 00:57:14,800
Speaker 1: don't last. Yeah, you're gonna probably end up with someone.

951
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,880
Speaker 1: And so instead of like boo hooing through this time,

952
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,600
Speaker 1: love it like it because one day it might be

953
00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:25,760
Speaker 1: gone and you'll romanticize looking back how great it was

954
00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:29,040
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with yourself. Absolutely due I

955
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:30,919
Speaker 1: love that. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

956
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:33,680
Speaker 1: That's what you should have said that it was really

957
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 1: I love. Yeah. Well, I mean you need to on this,

958
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:39,400
Speaker 1: on this exact topic. I think it's unbelievable. I have

959
00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:42,000
Speaker 1: one last question for you. You said at the beginning

960
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 1: of our interview, you said that when you were a

961
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:46,440
Speaker 1: kid and you were observing people in the industry, I

962
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:48,520
Speaker 1: was saying observing you, and then you started talking about

963
00:57:48,520 --> 00:57:52,400
Speaker 1: observing others. You said, I was always looking at people

964
00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 1: and trying to make sense of who I wanted to be. Yes, today,

965
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 1: who do you want to be? Who is it that

966
00:57:58,280 --> 00:58:00,240
Speaker 1: you look or not even who as a person, but

967
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:03,320
Speaker 1: who do you want to be? The values, the characters,

968
00:58:03,320 --> 00:58:05,600
Speaker 1: the qualities, the inn a that you were speaking about.

969
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:08,120
Speaker 1: What are those things that you inspire for today? We

970
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:12,240
Speaker 1: heard a story about this couple. We have a section

971
00:58:12,320 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 1: on our show called Drew's News. We had pulled up

972
00:58:16,240 --> 00:58:19,560
Speaker 1: a story about the couple who was in a hundred

973
00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:23,760
Speaker 1: years of age. I think they've been married for I

974
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:30,120
Speaker 1: don't know, eighties something years and they said when they

975
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:33,080
Speaker 1: were asked like, can you give a wisdom? And their

976
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:38,200
Speaker 1: wisdom was when you are getting in a row or

977
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:43,160
Speaker 1: a fight or something like take a time out there today?

978
00:58:43,560 --> 00:58:46,600
Speaker 1: Who inspires me? Because again it does not have to

979
00:58:46,640 --> 00:58:50,560
Speaker 1: be of the romantic kind. But when you see yourself rising,

980
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 1: when that blood starts to boil, when you start to

981
00:58:54,240 --> 00:58:59,440
Speaker 1: like clench and freak and get spun out instead of

982
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:05,080
Speaker 1: spewing that reaction and like Linda Blair exorcist all over

983
00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:09,080
Speaker 1: the room, I will have such regret for any type

984
00:59:09,080 --> 00:59:12,760
Speaker 1: of moment that I have like that, and I want

985
00:59:12,880 --> 00:59:15,760
Speaker 1: to become the master of the person who knows how

986
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:22,240
Speaker 1: to excuse themselves. Walk away, take a deep breath. I

987
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:25,240
Speaker 1: have breathed written on my wrist in tattoo, and I

988
00:59:25,320 --> 00:59:29,200
Speaker 1: still forget to look at it, like after one rich

989
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:34,160
Speaker 1: deep breath, after one removal of yourself in a situation,

990
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:37,680
Speaker 1: after one time out, after one walk away, you are

991
00:59:37,800 --> 00:59:42,680
Speaker 1: not going to come back usually as spun out. So

992
00:59:43,240 --> 00:59:47,960
Speaker 1: I think that for me is probably like the goal

993
00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:53,080
Speaker 1: du jour in my life right now is like behavior

994
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:57,400
Speaker 1: mastery and funny enough, as far as the people I follow,

995
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:02,200
Speaker 1: it's the same people for the last thirty years. It's

996
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:06,960
Speaker 1: Nan and Chris and Peter and Brian and Steve. It's

997
01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:12,560
Speaker 1: like Cameron and my oldest friend Mel we celebrate forty

998
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:17,560
Speaker 1: years this year. I stick with people because I'm still

999
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:20,600
Speaker 1: trying to become like them, but we have a hell

1000
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:24,640
Speaker 1: a good time, like along the way. But I just

1001
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:26,960
Speaker 1: have been in love with people who I think, God

1002
01:00:27,360 --> 01:00:30,280
Speaker 1: darn it, yeah, when I get to be like you,

1003
01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:32,360
Speaker 1: when I can learn to react like you, when I

1004
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:36,600
Speaker 1: can live the way I see you living. Because they're

1005
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:40,640
Speaker 1: not not fun. They're not not funny and spontaneous and

1006
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:45,120
Speaker 1: cool and interesting and have a wild side like you.

1007
01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:48,720
Speaker 1: Don't have to be boring, Oh definitely not. But I

1008
01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:51,400
Speaker 1: think when you're a kid, at least I did, I

1009
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:54,880
Speaker 1: thought you probably were. If you were an almighty person,

1010
01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:58,480
Speaker 1: you were probably a crashing bar So I wanted to

1011
01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:01,360
Speaker 1: hang out with all the rucket like. I wanted to

1012
01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:04,240
Speaker 1: be in the rumpest room with all the like kuckadoodles

1013
01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:08,200
Speaker 1: just like me. But everyone I admire they're just like

1014
01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:11,880
Speaker 1: really cool people too. They're fun and loving and and

1015
01:01:12,120 --> 01:01:15,680
Speaker 1: interesting and humorous. So it turns out all the people

1016
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:17,880
Speaker 1: you admire don't have to be boring. They can be

1017
01:01:17,960 --> 01:01:20,960
Speaker 1: everything you want to be. Love that true. Thank you

1018
01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:24,840
Speaker 1: so much, Oh my god, I love you too. This

1019
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:28,800
Speaker 1: is one of the most beautiful human exchanges that have had.

1020
01:01:28,840 --> 01:01:32,760
Speaker 1: It was such a special, special memory because I'm not interesting,

1021
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:34,520
Speaker 1: because I feel like that's what you do and give

1022
01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:37,520
Speaker 1: to people every day. But it's I don't know, it's

1023
01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:40,440
Speaker 1: different when you really get to hear from the hot

1024
01:01:40,480 --> 01:01:41,920
Speaker 1: and speak from the hat. I was going to say,

1025
01:01:41,960 --> 01:01:44,640
Speaker 1: it feels so open hearted. Yeah, like you and I

1026
01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:48,080
Speaker 1: just like, you know, my dad used to say about

1027
01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:51,880
Speaker 1: like the body. It's just tupperware, man, it's just tupperware.

1028
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:55,360
Speaker 1: That's good, and it's like it's true. It's like when

1029
01:01:55,400 --> 01:01:57,680
Speaker 1: do you sit down and sort of like unzip your

1030
01:01:57,760 --> 01:02:02,120
Speaker 1: chest and like reveal your organs and your heart. I'm like,

1031
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:04,800
Speaker 1: for all those people who are romanticize the head in

1032
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:07,680
Speaker 1: the heart, also, please pay attention to the gut. Yeah,

1033
01:02:09,280 --> 01:02:14,160
Speaker 1: for sure. And Barry even says, like so many ancient wisdoms, yes,

1034
01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:18,800
Speaker 1: are really about the gut. It's all about the gut,

1035
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:23,960
Speaker 1: the health, the insight, the instinct, you know, the truth

1036
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:28,760
Speaker 1: that the alarm bells. Yeah, like God, pay attention. One

1037
01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:30,560
Speaker 1: thing as a mom I've really hooked and do in

1038
01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:34,040
Speaker 1: the last like year is telling my girls, I want

1039
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:36,520
Speaker 1: you to pay attention to what feels good or makes

1040
01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:39,920
Speaker 1: you feel good, that's fantastic, let's go with that. But

1041
01:02:40,040 --> 01:02:42,320
Speaker 1: I want you to be as equally heightenedly aware of

1042
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:45,440
Speaker 1: what doesn't make you feel good. Absolutely, and let's explore that.

1043
01:02:45,680 --> 01:02:47,880
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, it's so needed, it's so needed.

1044
01:02:47,880 --> 01:02:49,960
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you raised that about the guides so

1045
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,240
Speaker 1: easily missed, and I think we're just getting that now.

1046
01:02:52,440 --> 01:02:55,560
Speaker 1: Well it's not sax sat Heart and the head is poetry.

1047
01:02:55,760 --> 01:03:01,440
Speaker 1: Yeah h yeah, trust that because that's your little compass

1048
01:03:01,560 --> 01:03:05,440
Speaker 1: inside your body. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy

1049
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:10,160
Speaker 1: my conversation with Megan Trainer on breaking generational trauma and

1050
01:03:10,280 --> 01:03:12,760
Speaker 1: how to be confident from the inside out.