Speaker 1: Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
Speaker 1: of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2: Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Speaker 2: Other Side.
Speaker 1: Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
Speaker 1: everything on the other side.
Speaker 2: Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
Speaker 2: or to some the invisible world, life is going to
Speaker 2: be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1: Uh heck, yes it can, because, let's be honest, br in,
Speaker 1: earth school is hard.
Speaker 2: In fact, you taught me that let's crush earth school together.
Speaker 1: Well, hello, my witchy pooh. Have you started taking ginger
Speaker 1: shots like I do?
Speaker 2: I have not, but not because I haven't intended to.
Speaker 2: It's just on my list. So it's good. It sounds great,
Speaker 2: it sounds great.
Speaker 1: It's good stuff. So, by the way, I'm great. Thanks
Speaker 1: for asking. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2: So actually I was thinking about the ginger shots.
Speaker 1: Right, so was I. Uh.
Speaker 2: And for the record, and so if you're still doing
Speaker 2: your shots, I know you're great.
Speaker 1: I am. I love them. Oh that's funny. Good one.
Speaker 1: And for those who actually were like, hey, this is
Speaker 1: kind of interesting, I'll take the little Challenge, the Third
Speaker 1: Day Challenge. They're way cheaper at your grocery store than
Speaker 1: they are ordering from anybody. Juice, yeah, juice, Yeah, they're
Speaker 1: just way better. They haven't the grocery store. They're freshly delivered.
Speaker 1: They're just cheaper. This is this This was not the
Speaker 1: coupon cutting episode, but apparently it is.
Speaker 2: I love your Midwestern roots.
Speaker 1: It's also it's hilarious, right, so ridiculous. Yeah, So we
Speaker 1: want to continue our happiness segments.
Speaker 2: Because it's striking a note with our listeners.
Speaker 1: Right, yes, So today we wanted to talk about really
Speaker 1: happiness and our friends and family, which I think is
Speaker 1: probably one of the most complex part of Earth School.
Speaker 2: Right, we're jumping right in people, Yeah, jumping Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: We're not messing around here. You know, one of the studies,
Speaker 1: because again I'm being nerdy elf with all of this,
Speaker 1: is right, is that relationships are much more conducive to
Speaker 1: a happy life than money. And you know, there's old
Speaker 1: adages that I'm going to get wrong, but you know,
Speaker 1: a rich man doesn't have to have a big bank
Speaker 1: account kind of idea, or a rich woman a rich person.
Speaker 1: It's obviously dated because I'm pretty sure it said man,
Speaker 1: So I think that we should, you know, really dive
Speaker 1: into this because this has been something that has probably
Speaker 1: more so than anything else, been affected by COVID. You know,
Speaker 1: we were not out and about. I mean, we're traveling
Speaker 1: a bit more now, but you know, we just haven't
Speaker 1: seen a lot of the people, especially at our ages.
Speaker 1: I think at this point we haven't seen them as much.
Speaker 1: We don't live by everybody. You know, if you're fortunate
Speaker 1: enough to live in the same town with every person
Speaker 1: you love in the world, congratulations, but I doubt there's
Speaker 1: many of you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well done, Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: Right, but I doubt there's a lot of you. And
Speaker 1: also we want to talk about the pros and cons
Speaker 1: of it as well, and about being selective and and
Speaker 1: just kind of how do we deal with that, because
Speaker 1: it's not just every family member is you know, participating
Speaker 1: in our personal happiness, nor is it everyone we've met
Speaker 1: along the line is doing that either, right, But we
Speaker 1: both have had some some events recently at I think
Speaker 1: I have reminded us of how crucial certain people are
Speaker 1: in our lives. And again, whether they're family or friends.
Speaker 2: And you know, listen, recently family, family of the heart.
Speaker 1: Exactly right, because recently the boys, Ruben and Jimmy came
Speaker 1: to Santa Fe and thanks to you, Brenda, because you
Speaker 1: told them to. And it was just pure joy, utter
Speaker 1: joy everything we did. And I know we I think
Speaker 1: we talked about this in a previous episode that they
Speaker 1: were in town. And on my birthday eve we went
Speaker 1: and saw Oppenheimer. The next day we went to Los Alamos, right,
Speaker 1: which was the kind of the birthplace of the atomic bomb.
Speaker 2: Yay, very joyous experience.
Speaker 1: It was actually fun though, because we because we spent
Speaker 1: it with them. That's what made it fun, right.
Speaker 2: Of course, of course, And it was just.
Speaker 1: It's one of those things. We hadn't seen him in
Speaker 1: a while. Both of our family, like Susanna and I
Speaker 1: and Jimmy, we've been moving, living in different places, doing
Speaker 1: different things. COVID right in the middle of it all,
Speaker 1: and they moved to exactly right they did, they did,
Speaker 1: and so it it. It reminds, but it was a
Speaker 1: remind every day I and I didn't take it for granted,
Speaker 1: and every day was I can't wait to see him,
Speaker 1: and I don't care what we did. It didn't have
Speaker 1: to be spectacular, it didn't have to be you know,
Speaker 1: and that's also the thing when you know, well, just
Speaker 1: being there with them was spectacular. And it also and
Speaker 1: in that time, I had like a double header. And
Speaker 1: in my double header, you know, my friend Tricia who
Speaker 1: is in LA who's a casting director. And and it's
Speaker 1: interesting because I was writing an email to someone and
Speaker 1: I said, oh, yes, one of my oldest and most
Speaker 1: important friendships, and I was talking about Tricia. We don't
Speaker 1: talk every day, but she is certainly one of my
Speaker 1: oldest friends and one of my most important relationships. And
Speaker 1: because it's built on honesty, it's built on mutual like respect, admiration,
Speaker 1: all the things that you want, it's built on love.
Speaker 1: And I saw her twice in the last ten days,
Speaker 1: and I just feel like I just had this like
Speaker 1: I hit the I like scratched off the winning lottery
Speaker 1: ticket and I got and I got double the prize,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's some of the lottery tickets you
Speaker 1: scratched it off, and it's like two times, I'm like
Speaker 1: two x my prize.
Speaker 2: It's like, oh my god, I got closed my pride.
Speaker 1: But that's exactly what it felt like. It and it
Speaker 1: and it, I mean, that's what it was. It that's
Speaker 1: how it felt, and that was happiness. That was joy,
Speaker 1: it was bliss, it was all of those things. And
Speaker 1: being reminded of that was also great to remember the
Speaker 1: communication to keep it going like more frequently than prior,
Speaker 1: because I think again, COVID like really messed us up.
Speaker 2: I missed me h well, and it got we got
Speaker 2: out of sync with the people that we would see intentionally.
Speaker 2: You know, we'd have to plan it around, but we'd
Speaker 2: see regularly at a distance, right right. So that's were
Speaker 2: just out of sync.
Speaker 1: I think, and I think became more like isolated in
Speaker 1: every way, even though we could reach out, we could
Speaker 1: do things. I think we just became isolated. I think
Speaker 1: there was fear and I think you were taking care
Speaker 1: of Yes, we're taking care.
Speaker 2: We're taking care of other other things than just the
Speaker 2: regular maintenance, like we'd plan a trip or like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's let's make sure we see your new house or
Speaker 2: you know whatever, and it's just not happening at the
Speaker 2: rate it was before.
Speaker 1: Right right. In fact, speaking of seeing new homes, I
Speaker 1: mean our house isn't new, but the boys saw it.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, they look like a shithole at the time,
Speaker 1: but you can see that there's there's potential there.
Speaker 2: The bones are good.
Speaker 1: The bones are good. And then and the boys had
Speaker 1: they made a couple purchases here and she's like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm going to Texas next week to go see my family.
Speaker 1: She has a new great nephew. And she goes, let
Speaker 1: me just cruise by San Antonio and I'll drop this
Speaker 1: stuff off. And she did. So she got to see
Speaker 1: their new house and got to see them again. And
Speaker 1: I'm all jealous over here going off to see them again,
Speaker 1: you know, but it just right, it is and I
Speaker 1: and it was happiness, and that is so crucial, right,
Speaker 1: even if you can't see people, there are people, healthy
Speaker 1: relationships that bring you that happiness. Right. You had the
Speaker 1: same but different experience.
Speaker 2: Well, I did so for different reasons. One of Katie
Speaker 2: was on the East coast and Kate Frenery, who we've
Speaker 2: had on the show before, she had changing her plans
Speaker 2: and she's like, are you in town? Would you be
Speaker 2: okay if I flew in for a couple of days.
Speaker 2: I'm like, are you kidding?
Speaker 1: Katy?
Speaker 2: And I like went to dinner on a Wednesday like this,
Speaker 2: this is an extraordinary event in my life. Has never happened. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was just like so ordinary and so great, and
Speaker 2: you know it was just like like you felt like
Speaker 2: it was just such a bonus round, right, and you know,
Speaker 2: so much joy. And then recently my friend Saally came
Speaker 2: into town and we had just the most extraordinary weekend
Speaker 2: of doing ordinary things and just elated the whole time,
Speaker 2: just giggles glore and stories and sharing, and you know
Speaker 2: it was amazing and experiences.
Speaker 1: That you know, you memories you created together in these
Speaker 1: you know, happy situations that you that can only be
Speaker 1: at that level with that with them, with that person.
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, and you know, both these women I've known
Speaker 2: for over twenty years, and you know it's just amazing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, twenty, isn't it more than twenty?
Speaker 2: Well, I just I'm rounding. I don't know you're around.
Speaker 1: I like to do math, but I like to say
Speaker 1: a bazillion when something is two hundred. But see that's
Speaker 1: how I like to round up. I was just totally
Speaker 1: teasing you because I think you've been friends with that
Speaker 1: for a really long time. And I love that because
Speaker 1: because also you know you feel that way because you
Speaker 1: love them, right like you love them. We love the
Speaker 1: boys and we just love them, and Tricia absolutely and
Speaker 1: her friend Jay love them.
Speaker 2: Yes, and it's just such a blessing yep. And hours
Speaker 2: of have happiness like revisiting those those the visits that
Speaker 2: you had in the years to come, Like, let'll just
Speaker 2: create more and more joy Like it's a perpetual cycle
Speaker 2: of upward affirmation of love. Right. It's a wonderful thing
Speaker 2: when it gets when it happens in our lives that
Speaker 2: we get to spend time and create memories with these
Speaker 2: extraordinary people, right.
Speaker 1: And and they also go through phases, right, just like
Speaker 1: our relationships with family. But why don't we take a
Speaker 1: quick break and let's get to that, because you know
Speaker 1: we're not We're just sharing like some very recent things
Speaker 1: that have happened that we have not had for a while, right,
Speaker 1: And but I think we need to talk about family
Speaker 1: a bit and about making sure that the relationships that
Speaker 1: we seek and time with and spend investor time are
Speaker 1: also the ones that are good for us that actually
Speaker 1: do create happiness. So we'll be right back. Yeah, uh,
Speaker 1: y'all were back talk actually challenges for it.
Speaker 2: Right, Well, this is what we were talking about. You know,
Speaker 2: obviously the examples we gave in, you know, just a
Speaker 2: minute ago. Were the ones that are so easy to
Speaker 2: celebrate and so clean and so much history, and the
Speaker 2: people you count on and they count on you, and
Speaker 2: there's this mutual you know, they got all the your dirt,
Speaker 2: You've got all their dirt, and so you're in it
Speaker 2: together in the best way, you know, like it's it's
Speaker 2: really a beautiful thing and easy and something you long to,
Speaker 2: you know, reconnect. And then there are situations that are
Speaker 2: confusing because people are complex and so a lot of
Speaker 2: times you'll have had or shared an extraordinary experience that
Speaker 2: happiness or where you're aligned on the same page, and
Speaker 2: then you have conflicting experiences. We're like, wait, where did
Speaker 2: that come from? Or you know, they really kind of
Speaker 2: didn't speak well of me, or I heard from somebody else,
Speaker 2: or you know something you know, it's just confusing, and
Speaker 2: so you have these mixed emotions or these mixed experiences
Speaker 2: or interpretations of situations that don't line up, and you
Speaker 2: don't really know how to hold that. So do I
Speaker 2: show up full hearted? Do I reach out to this person?
Speaker 2: Do I avoid this person? What if we are family
Speaker 2: and I can't just ghost you? Or we have a
Speaker 2: shared community, and so like I don't know what to
Speaker 2: do if we're in the same situation, Like do I
Speaker 2: play along? And that doesn't feel good? Like so it
Speaker 2: gets really complicated really fast.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it does. Yeah, And that's normally to me, that's
Speaker 1: normally a family, you know. But I understand you're also
Speaker 1: talking about friendship. So I'm going to go back to
Speaker 1: Trisia for a second, and I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: an example of why that is rooted and how it's
Speaker 1: rooted just so, and I'm going to say this story
Speaker 1: because so people can kind of place themselves, you know,
Speaker 1: somewhere in there and to maybe understand their relationships a
Speaker 1: little bit different. So when Tricia and I, well, for
Speaker 1: one is I was get the most important part. When
Speaker 1: Tricia and I were in college, her brother comitted suicide
Speaker 1: and I was going to SMU at the time, and
Speaker 1: I left and went back to Oklahoma to go spend
Speaker 1: time with her. And I remember when I drove into town,
Speaker 1: her grandmother told me that she was at the Methodist
Speaker 1: church up in the youth group section, and interestingly, she
Speaker 1: was sitting there by herself. And I remember walking up
Speaker 1: there and I saw her and we both just started
Speaker 1: to sob and I just sat up there with her
Speaker 1: and just hugged her and held her hand and listened
Speaker 1: to her. And it was for two people that were
Speaker 1: not even twenty yet that it was a very mature relationship, right,
Speaker 1: And it was and that was And there's so many
Speaker 1: cases where you know, she has emotionally rescued me. He
Speaker 1: believe me. But it's also a relationship that's based on honesty.
Speaker 1: I mean she has flat outs like rigor, don't do that,
Speaker 1: or rigor da da da da da, or rigor think
Speaker 1: about which I really appreciate because you know, Cherchia, I mean,
Speaker 1: she doesn't hold anything back, and that's my love.
Speaker 2: And she's she's very passionate.
Speaker 1: A very and also someone who is very clear and
Speaker 1: a lot of times she's I've called her twice and
Speaker 1: said you were right, and I didn't want to, but
Speaker 1: I but it's one of the reasons that I left her,
Speaker 1: so thinking about like that. You know, I'm just using
Speaker 1: that as a baseline, right, because I think it's always
Speaker 1: important to have baselines. And I know you and Katie
Speaker 1: have like an incredible relationship and how you two met
Speaker 1: and you know, you guys were roommates. You know, I
Speaker 1: know Sally and your relationship with her, not all aspects,
Speaker 1: of course, but they feel very similar in that way
Speaker 1: of right of death. Yep.
Speaker 2: And what we're talking about is the complexity of people
Speaker 2: who are there for you and then not there for you,
Speaker 2: or they say they want to support you, but then
Speaker 2: when you reach for them for support, it doesn't. You
Speaker 2: don't walk away feeling like you're supported. You don't sometimes
Speaker 2: look walk away feeling seen like all of a sudden
Speaker 2: you're helping them or something you know it can and
Speaker 2: you're like, well, they didn't, they didn't mean to ignore
Speaker 2: my needs in the moment, but it still doesn't feel good.
Speaker 2: And you have to pay attention to the to how
Speaker 2: things land with you, and if you are feeling like
Speaker 2: you can't actually speak it to the person, it does
Speaker 2: have to be in the moment because sometimes it takes
Speaker 2: a beat for to figure out how we feel about something.
Speaker 2: You know, just depending on who you are, we all
Speaker 2: have different processing, timing and effectiveness and awareness. So sometimes
Speaker 2: like you have to be alone to feel your feelings
Speaker 2: like wait, that was not okay, I should have said something.
Speaker 2: I'm going to follow back with that person or I'm
Speaker 2: not comfortable falling back. Following up with that person like
Speaker 2: that gives you information that this relationship either needs some
Speaker 2: work or needs an investment that could possibly change it
Speaker 2: to something richer or more meaningful, or maybe it's time
Speaker 2: to consider pulling back a little bit. And again, it
Speaker 2: doesn't mean you have to ghost someone, but giving yourself
Speaker 2: the validation that how you feel matters, and when you're
Speaker 2: not able to speak your truth, you have to pay
Speaker 2: attention to it. Or if your truth isn't received or
Speaker 2: at least acknowledged, doesn't mean they have to agree with you,
Speaker 2: because they'll have their own experience, which is fine, right
Speaker 2: because they have their own whole world, but at least
Speaker 2: to acknowledge like, oh, I didn't mean that, or gosh,
Speaker 2: I can see how that felt that way, that's not
Speaker 2: what I intended. Like this is a valuable conversation, but
Speaker 2: for them to say that didn't happen is something that's different.
Speaker 1: I totally agree with you. I totally agree with you wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1: It's you know, and again, I'm going to go back
Speaker 1: to what you taught me, because there's a lot there
Speaker 1: so sweeting and well, it's totally true though, because part
Speaker 1: of what you're talking about is understanding and exercising your
Speaker 1: own boundaries and also being thoughtful right about processing things.
Speaker 1: And listen, I have found myself at times being carried
Speaker 1: away with different relationships about people who I wanted them
Speaker 1: to be my friend, so I would put up with
Speaker 1: certain things that I wouldn't normally put up with, you know,
Speaker 1: or family relationships. I'm going to give an example. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to use names. Yeah, this one is really wise,
Speaker 1: so and again I'm just using these are examples, right
Speaker 1: of things to think about and just on who you
Speaker 1: have in and also because you want to look at
Speaker 1: how how you act as well, right, because you're you know,
Speaker 1: world perfectly imperfect. But I was Suzanne was taking me
Speaker 1: to the airport because I was flying to Buffalo when
Speaker 1: my aunt Marlene jumped and I was going to speak
Speaker 1: at her at her service, and I'm kind of talking
Speaker 1: to Susanne. We had somebody in the back seat just
Speaker 1: f yi, and that somebody's gonna be left nameless, and
Speaker 1: and I'm talking about it in this person in the
Speaker 1: bag pipes up to say, Julie, I want you to
Speaker 1: do mine? Will you do mine when I die? Well?
Speaker 1: You da da da da, And it's like, okay, thief,
Speaker 1: you are like one. The answer is no, let me
Speaker 1: just before I say anything, no, but you're totally you're
Speaker 1: a thief and it's not about you, and so I
Speaker 1: don't you know. So in my head, I process is going,
Speaker 1: I know, don't want to spend a lot of time
Speaker 1: with you if you cannot see what's happening and you
Speaker 1: are making it about yourself that you're somebody that I
Speaker 1: just cannot do this with, right, and that is part
Speaker 1: of my boundaries and also how I spend my time. Right.
Speaker 2: It's interesting Adapid has a saying because oftentimes I'm like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: they didn't mean it, or that you know, they would
Speaker 2: just want paying attention. And he says, just because they
Speaker 2: didn't mean harm doesn't mean they don't do harm.
Speaker 1: Correct O, good one to be And I'm like.
Speaker 2: I'm out, yeah, I guess that's right, you know, well,
Speaker 2: because he's not.
Speaker 1: But where they're totally not wrong is also one time
Speaker 1: can sometime be an exception, but you see it twice,
Speaker 1: it becomes a pattern. Right, So with this person in
Speaker 1: the back seat, backseat, this is a pattern, and so
Speaker 1: it makes it difficult too, because I don't. I have
Speaker 1: no joy spending time with this person like zero, and
Speaker 1: it makes it really difficult in situations like you're talking about.
Speaker 1: And so you know, the way I have to find
Speaker 1: some joy is or some happiness in the occasion, because
Speaker 1: usually it's an investment in travel and time and money
Speaker 1: and all those things, right that I will instead of
Speaker 1: just avoiding all the time, I will Actually I don't
Speaker 1: engage because that way I'm happier because I'm not causing
Speaker 1: conflict or perpetuating conflict and spending time with other people.
Speaker 1: But that's part of like as I sat right, because
Speaker 1: I do so, I do self assessment. I do assessment
Speaker 1: of those in my life. It's like there's been a
Speaker 1: minute I haven't loved spending time with you. So there's
Speaker 1: no question I fucking love you. And I would spend
Speaker 1: as much time as you would let me with you
Speaker 1: because I do, and.
Speaker 2: Because and likewise my out likewise we have a great time.
Speaker 1: We do, and you're like family to me. I'd literally
Speaker 1: jump in front of a train and it wouldn't jump
Speaker 1: off before it hit me, right, I would full off
Speaker 1: it hit Because there are people that do that fake it,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like, but I trip back over the
Speaker 1: other you know, rail and did get hit weird.
Speaker 2: There's people I make it oh my god, just.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. But I think, but I think, but
Speaker 1: that rice protection to do right, and that's and that
Speaker 1: actually are happy us in our health is not engaging
Speaker 1: and those and those like unwinnable situations.
Speaker 2: Right, And I think this is such a rich conversation.
Speaker 2: I think we should talk about it when we come back.
Speaker 2: We should continue this. Are you good?
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll be right black, all right, We're back with
Speaker 1: one of the people that I would for real jump
Speaker 1: in front of a train before you go, not fake,
Speaker 1: not bake jump, but real jump.
Speaker 2: I do not know how that mind works.
Speaker 1: It's twisted as ship. I mean, it's that was gonna make.
Speaker 2: Me giggle all week. Are you fake jumping from me?
Speaker 2: Or this is real jumping. So one of the things
Speaker 2: that oh my god, that.
Speaker 1: Was hilarious. Oh my god.
Speaker 2: So one of the things that I think is relevant
Speaker 2: to this conversation of navigating the complexity that is humanity, right,
Speaker 2: That can be confusing and conflicting experiences. And this can
Speaker 2: actually be in romance, this can be in family, this
Speaker 2: can be in work. This can be in you know,
Speaker 2: social communities, This can be in you know friends like
Speaker 2: quote unquote friends. Right, But to give yourself permission to assess,
Speaker 2: is this a relationship that feeds me or takes me?
Speaker 2: Like it takes from me to the point where I'm
Speaker 2: exhausted when I leave, Like all friendships are given take
Speaker 2: hopefully right, Hopefully that is your experience, because if we
Speaker 2: only receive from friendships, that's more like a mentorship or
Speaker 2: like that's not a friendship. Right. We have to be
Speaker 2: able to both give and receive, right, right, So right,
Speaker 2: it's a mutual connection. And if you find yourself as
Speaker 2: the only one who's a commodating whatever is on the table,
Speaker 2: then it's exhausting and it's not a two way thing.
Speaker 2: So give yourself permission to reassess and set those boundaries.
Speaker 2: And it's also worth it in that situation to have
Speaker 2: the hard conversation that says, you know, I was hoping
Speaker 2: that you have you know, you're really good at this.
Speaker 2: I was wondering if you could help me with that,
Speaker 2: to have this specific conversation because I feel like, you know,
Speaker 2: it's my intention to support you always. You know, I'm
Speaker 2: happy to share with you. But it's also that important
Speaker 2: that we have a give and take in our friendship,
Speaker 2: like to call it out and give the person a
Speaker 2: chance to pivot or to create awareness. I know a
Speaker 2: lot of our audience members are incredibly generous people who
Speaker 2: sometimes overgive and then they get resentful that people are
Speaker 2: over receiving, you know, so just so you know, be
Speaker 2: brave and stand up for yourself and say, hey, sometimes
Speaker 2: I overgive and I want to make sure that I
Speaker 2: benefit from your guidance and support and wisdom or expertise
Speaker 2: or whatever it is you want to benefit from. I
Speaker 2: don't know. Maybe you want them to jump in front
Speaker 2: of a train. I don't know, Maybe see if they
Speaker 2: see if they fake jump.
Speaker 1: I mean, at least give them credit for fake jumping.
Speaker 2: That's true. That takes some energy, doesn't it. But but
Speaker 2: you have to be brave to have the conversation and
Speaker 2: and like it's a challenge to yourself and something that
Speaker 2: you may be surprised at how much happiness it brings
Speaker 2: you that you stood up for yourself, like you have
Speaker 2: this inner resilience and that you can actually name it
Speaker 2: and bring it forward and then say I'm not insulting
Speaker 2: you you know, I just want to build something that
Speaker 2: is more balanced and sustainable for both of us, Like
Speaker 2: do it in a really respectful way and see what happens.
Speaker 1: And that is the hard earned joy. Let's be honest.
Speaker 1: Like when we open this show, that was the easy
Speaker 1: stuff that you know that we ideally everyone everybody loves
Speaker 1: that and hopefully everybody has that in their life. You know,
Speaker 1: I have family members that are easy. I have some
Speaker 1: that aren't as easy, some that have gotten easier. And
Speaker 1: the other thing is, you know, to allow that evolution,
Speaker 1: especially with people who kind of you're on the boat
Speaker 1: with whether you like it or not, right, and that
Speaker 1: tends to be more family. You know, my brother and
Speaker 1: I have gone through a tremendous amount of evolution in
Speaker 1: our relationship since we.
Speaker 2: Were isn't that beautiful?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: And like when but it takes energy to do it,
Speaker 1: it does, and communication and all of those things. And
Speaker 1: I am when we had a hard time when my
Speaker 1: mom was sick. Don't need to go into the details.
Speaker 1: A lot of family, a lot of siblings have problems
Speaker 1: issues when they have a parent who is struggling and
Speaker 1: health wise obviously there anyways anyway, obviously I guess struggling. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and we have absolutely found ourselves in our relationship and
Speaker 1: it's better than it's ever been. And and it is
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of inventory on who, Like
Speaker 1: I got that place because of the inventory deal on
Speaker 1: myself when I looked and saw the other side of it,
Speaker 1: because it's never one person's fault, but it does take
Speaker 1: both of you to figure it out, right, And there's
Speaker 1: joy in that, right, there's joy.
Speaker 2: And you've mentioned the part, yes, yes, they're actually I
Speaker 2: think your point is absolutely right that when you challenge
Speaker 2: yourself to step up in this way, there is it's more,
Speaker 2: there's more payoff than if there was no conflict at all. Right,
Speaker 2: there there's actually like, oh, I overcame a hurdle, right
Speaker 2: because you're growing a new muscle.
Speaker 1: So right, And so that's why joy and happiness and
Speaker 1: all of these words bliss what we want to call
Speaker 1: it are they're not the traditional what people think it is, right,
Speaker 1: And so part of this whole conversation that we want
Speaker 1: to continue to have and we want y'all to contribute
Speaker 1: to this too, because I really want to hear what
Speaker 1: you have to say and your questions and insights, because
Speaker 1: we love those from you is really our definition of
Speaker 1: what happiness is. Right. It's not just winning a trophy, right.
Speaker 1: This isn't even though we did have a generation that
Speaker 1: was a trophy generation because everybody got one, yes, right,
Speaker 1: but it's it's also even in hard times can you
Speaker 1: find those moments as well? So that we just talked
Speaker 1: about the joy you get from from you know, exercising
Speaker 1: your own boundaries, the being you know, uh, the dealing
Speaker 1: with the fear of speaking the truth, speaking a hard truth.
Speaker 1: I also just recently watched this Crisbin We're always watch it.
Speaker 1: It was a documentary I think he's done a while
Speaker 1: back about the Robert Kennedy Junior, Robert Kennedy family, like
Speaker 1: Esther his wife, and Si senor yes senior, and so
Speaker 1: in fact Zanna and I were watching, we couldn't remember
Speaker 1: all the things that had happened because it was so
Speaker 1: long ago. Esther is now ninety five and Robert or
Speaker 1: Bob died when he was forty two, so this was
Speaker 1: a long ass time ago. And he was actually I
Speaker 1: think was after the California primary where he won that
Speaker 1: he was shot after that, like in an interviewer or
Speaker 1: something like that, and they had gobs of kids, like
Speaker 1: gobs of children, and one of the things that they
Speaker 1: did as a family was that they would play touch football.
Speaker 1: And after Robert Senior was killed, esther maintain that with
Speaker 1: those kids, and so they would go play touch football,
Speaker 1: even in the midst of the loss and the grief
Speaker 1: from her husband and these gobs of children's father, and
Speaker 1: they have video and they're happy. He might not be there,
Speaker 1: but they were happy. And so finding ways even in
Speaker 1: these in terrible times and grieving times, to always check
Speaker 1: in with yourself finding ways and that was healthy joy, right,
Speaker 1: playing touch football. You can't honestly find a healthier way
Speaker 1: for a family to connect, right, Because they were having fun,
Speaker 1: all of them, and they all talked about it and
Speaker 1: about her strength. Right. So that's another thing to think
Speaker 1: about as you're dealing with your friends, your family and
Speaker 1: there's tough situations, and it's not to be a distraction.
Speaker 1: It truly is to be like, we don't have. It
Speaker 1: doesn't have to weigh on us four seven. It's always
Speaker 1: going to be.
Speaker 2: Even if we have. Even if we have, it doesn't
Speaker 2: have to be grief. Even if we've had a tough conversation.
Speaker 2: What's something that you know we have shared before, and
Speaker 2: how can we link these two? So maybe you know,
Speaker 2: we if it's a family member, and maybe there's a
Speaker 2: recipe that our family enjoys and we can make together
Speaker 2: and you know or something whatever that activity would be
Speaker 2: kind of see if there's a you could plan for
Speaker 2: that to follow the tough conversation. Hey, let's go for
Speaker 2: by cride or something, you know something or family.
Speaker 1: It's with red velvet cake. We're main ingredients? Was lard?
Speaker 2: Oh, mercy, it is the old school.
Speaker 1: Red velvet cake. Or I'm not joking and the cake
Speaker 1: makes itself was lard? Sorry I got distracted, but that
Speaker 1: is one of our families. You're right. I would be
Speaker 1: out together and then I have a heart attack after
Speaker 1: or or.
Speaker 2: Find a way to health afid the recipe. That might
Speaker 2: be a thing to do, but I love you so
Speaker 2: much I took out the lard. Yeah, clearly, so you
Speaker 2: had you brought up a number of times that you've
Speaker 2: taken this internal assessment, and I was wondering if you
Speaker 2: would share your process or part of your process, because
Speaker 2: I think that would be helpful for people. Sometimes it's
Speaker 2: hard to know how am I assessing myself correctly. Am
Speaker 2: I doing this right or is this a good way?
Speaker 2: I don't know. It's just what I've been doing. But
Speaker 2: do you have I.
Speaker 1: Will I have a great one, Yeah, I do. It
Speaker 1: has to do with Suzanne and I and I've talked
Speaker 1: about this before with hert not with other people, but
Speaker 1: on the show. But hi, everybody, I'm going to do
Speaker 1: that right now because I think the first thing I
Speaker 1: always look at is the ego part of it. I
Speaker 1: look at like, why, like my behavior? What is it
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to elicit from my behavior? Is it real?
Speaker 1: Is it true? And And it's really interesting because this
Speaker 1: was when we were living in LA and working for Fox,
Speaker 1: and I would come back I'm like, oh, I'm just
Speaker 1: so tired. I worked so hard today, and I would
Speaker 1: just kind of do this thing because it was I
Speaker 1: don't either. I was looking for sympathy. I was looking
Speaker 1: for raw, raw, thank you way to go whatever it was.
Speaker 1: It wasn't And it also wasn't the fucking truth. I
Speaker 1: wasn't no, I mean I was being really honest, I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I wasn't exhausted. It was not a hardship. I loved it.
Speaker 1: I mean there were certain days that sucked. Don't get
Speaker 1: me wrong, because that's happened. But I think there's a
Speaker 1: bit of what we do a lot of and I
Speaker 1: found myself of like a bit of an over dramatization
Speaker 1: as stockings that might sound to you of certain things
Speaker 1: and events, but it was to elicit something that I
Speaker 1: felt that I needed. And I think that is part
Speaker 1: of the assessment that I do. And I'm going to
Speaker 1: tell I don't do that shit anymore. You never hear
Speaker 1: me say that, And I mean if I'm tired, I'm
Speaker 1: literally on my ass tired, you know. But so it's
Speaker 1: a little bit of I didn't I learned I didn't
Speaker 1: need the the.
Speaker 3: Exterior external external thank you with external validation feeding is
Speaker 3: the word I was going to use, but validation, yes,
Speaker 3: And because I think people do that, I think there's
Speaker 3: a drama.
Speaker 1: So I saw that myself. So I look at things
Speaker 1: of like what side, like what part of this do
Speaker 1: I own? And I'm very honest, like with my brother,
Speaker 1: I did the same thing. What part of this do
Speaker 1: I own? And part of my issue that I've had
Speaker 1: with him at times is that my expectations were wrong,
Speaker 1: and they were because they were my expectations, you know,
Speaker 1: of course caring for my He had three children, children
Speaker 1: when my mother was sick, and I gave him zero
Speaker 1: credit for it, And because the most important thing that
Speaker 1: was going on was mom was sick, because I didn't
Speaker 1: have children to care for, I mean I had Homer.
Speaker 2: Well, you also had a different relationship. I had very
Speaker 2: much relationship with your mom than he had. Yes, yes,
Speaker 2: it's just different.
Speaker 1: And so I think that's part of it too, which
Speaker 1: is where where was I not given credit? I look
Speaker 1: at that. I was also that our relationships with people
Speaker 1: are different. It's like you would you help me so
Speaker 1: much with that? Where it was like, oh, I was
Speaker 1: also always supposed to be the one that like why
Speaker 1: would it be anybody else but me? And then you said,
Speaker 1: and if you're going to go through it with somebody,
Speaker 1: wouldn't you rather go through it with Susanne? It's like,
Speaker 1: of course, I would, you know. And I tell listen,
Speaker 1: I retell that story a lot. And I retell the
Speaker 1: story in a way of where I wasn't paying attention,
Speaker 1: I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I pay attention to
Speaker 1: it for and I and I retell it because I
Speaker 1: found people in the same situation a lot, So that
Speaker 1: story I tell a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, our expectations are really important because they're so obvious
Speaker 2: to us because of how we see the world. But
Speaker 2: not everyone sees the world the way the way the
Speaker 2: way you do. Right, We don't see the world the
Speaker 2: way the world is. We see the world the way
Speaker 2: we are Byron Katie has is an author and speaker
Speaker 2: and you know, realized being. And she has a process
Speaker 2: called The Work and I really think it's a great
Speaker 2: self assessment that's really similar to what you're doing. But
Speaker 2: if people you want just another reference to her book,
Speaker 2: Loving What Is is super helpful. And she has four
Speaker 2: basic questions. I kind of only think of three of
Speaker 2: them in this moment, but it's is this true? Is
Speaker 2: this absolutely true? Those are two different questions because because
Speaker 2: it would be something like, well, my husband should do
Speaker 2: my brother should do this? Well, is that true? No?
Speaker 2: Well yes, because because we're you know, she was both our.
Speaker 1: Yes he should, because she was both of our mom Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: no it.
Speaker 2: And who would you be without this thought? Right, that's
Speaker 2: the third question. I can't remember what the fourth question is,
Speaker 2: but you guys can look it up and let me know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, leave me to hang in y'all.
Speaker 2: But in the best way. I mean, her work is extraordinary.
Speaker 2: And I think as we think about happiness and friends
Speaker 2: and family and the complexity of humanity that we weave
Speaker 2: our lives with, how to be our best version and
Speaker 2: how to give and get the best version for ourselves
Speaker 2: is really worth exploring, investing in and just taking care
Speaker 2: of yourself in this extraordinary way. It takes a lot
Speaker 2: of energy, a lot of consciousness, and it pays off.
Speaker 2: And it doesn't matter if you're investing in positive or negative,
Speaker 2: it pays off. So like, really pay attention, do.
Speaker 1: It right, right, right, and again that internal work of
Speaker 1: like really asking yourself the honest question and answer yourself honestly.
Speaker 2: That is the time to do it.
Speaker 1: And take the time to do it, in the courage
Speaker 1: to do it, because we people operate a lot of
Speaker 1: people operate with very fragile egos and they can't they
Speaker 1: don't want to see right and.
Speaker 2: So and it's really helpful if you write it down.
Speaker 2: Don't just do it verbally, don't don't do it mentally
Speaker 2: in your head. Write it down, get honest, and do
Speaker 2: it like no one's watching, because that's super important too, Yes,
Speaker 2: it is.
Speaker 1: It is very important. Yeah, and it does. And that's
Speaker 1: why I thought this part of happiness, like, let's let's
Speaker 1: let's talk about the hardest first, because I think this
Speaker 1: is the relationships are probably the most complicated and you
Speaker 1: can't solve it through drinking of ginger shot.
Speaker 2: I can't hurt though it was.
Speaker 1: Fabulous, But yeah, it is the hardest part. So you
Speaker 1: know that. That because even doing the work, and then
Speaker 1: you because I've learned and I have achieved great happiness
Speaker 1: from actually doing that work. Because achieving it that is
Speaker 1: also happiness. Right, Happiness isn't just being at a club
Speaker 1: at a I mean, don't get me wrong, I do
Speaker 1: love me a drag show, and that is a form
Speaker 1: of happiness. But happiness comes in so many flavors, y'all.
Speaker 1: And that's what we want to really get across, Like
Speaker 1: look at the definition of it. Just because you're not
Speaker 1: at a drag show or out with people having some
Speaker 1: like to have cocktails, whatever it is, doesn't mean it
Speaker 1: can't be happy, doesn't mean you can't find any other ways.
Speaker 2: And this exploration pays off continually, so the next engagement
Speaker 2: you'll have this insight, you'll know how to honor yourself.
Speaker 2: It's it's just such a payment over and over and
Speaker 2: over back to you. So please consider play with it.
Speaker 2: Let us know what you think. So thanks for listening everybody,
Speaker 2: and remember our school is hard.
Speaker 1: Oh Lord, yes, oh yes, and without the other side.
Speaker 1: You're looking for confirmation, were you?
Speaker 2: Thanks everybody, Thank you for joining us. Everyone, and a
Speaker 2: special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and our executive
Speaker 2: producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well. We guide you.
Speaker 1: Hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides, or
Speaker 1: shoot us a note at high Hi at Vibes dot Store.
Speaker 2: We want to know what you think. We want to
Speaker 2: know what you know, and we want to hear your stories.
Speaker 2: And remember, our school is hard.
Speaker 1: Without the other side. Insider's Guide to the Other Side
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