WEBVTT - HOW-TO MINISODE WITH ASHLEIGH RENARD: How to keep monogamy hot!

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<v Speaker 1>So how to keep monogamy hot? Now? How would you say,

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<v Speaker 1>how do you keep monogamy hot? Now? Vulnerability number one?

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<v Speaker 1>That that's it, Like you have to be vulnerable, you do.

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<v Speaker 1>And I don't talk about vulnerability that much, but the

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<v Speaker 1>suggestions I have for couples do exactly that a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of couples are vulnerable. Just feel uncomfortable, you've been talking

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<v Speaker 1>about something. So my first how to keep monogamy hot?

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<v Speaker 1>Part one was decide what's how a day you're going

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<v Speaker 1>to do it? And I said, you know, in my

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<v Speaker 1>house nighttimes, or for sleeping in mornings, or for coffee.

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<v Speaker 1>So I prefer five thirty pm, right before dinner. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>a don't empty stuff wonderful, you know, it's like an appetizer. Uh.

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<v Speaker 1>People lost their minds. I had been growing by five

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<v Speaker 1>followers a year on social media, so I had like

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<v Speaker 1>two thousand followers on Instagram. I got my audience group

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<v Speaker 1>by fifty thousand people in forty five days when you

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<v Speaker 1>started sharing this, because people need to know. I was

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<v Speaker 1>so in a way that people were blown away that like,

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<v Speaker 1>you can talk about sex outside the bedroom. Okay. So

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<v Speaker 1>there's the people who are like, wait, we just go

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<v Speaker 1>do it, we don't talk about it. And then there

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<v Speaker 1>are the people who talk about it but like just

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<v Speaker 1>want more variety or want like a different thing to try,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. So that's what my content does. It's just

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<v Speaker 1>these invitations and then people will go out on a

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<v Speaker 1>limb and say, hey, babe, you want to or they'll

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<v Speaker 1>text you want to have sex, want to meet me

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<v Speaker 1>in the bedroom at five thirty, right, like you know,

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<v Speaker 1>texting your partner for a booty call. That's fine. And

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<v Speaker 1>then they'll go and they'll sneak away from the kids,

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<v Speaker 1>they'll have some hot sex and they'll come out and

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<v Speaker 1>they'll be like, oh my god, it feels so good

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<v Speaker 1>when we're on the same team, like we just we

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<v Speaker 1>had an objective and we win and we just like

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<v Speaker 1>we just nailed it right. So then they're like, oh, baby,

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<v Speaker 1>I need to tell you something about the way you've

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<v Speaker 1>been budding the groceries away. Could you are you willing?

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<v Speaker 1>Blah blah blah. They're like, sure, everybody's Mr and Mrs cooperative,

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<v Speaker 1>Like this is what I mean. When we just lower

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<v Speaker 1>our defenses just a little bit, then we're more willing

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<v Speaker 1>to let the other person in outside the bedroom. So

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<v Speaker 1>thousands and thousands of couples have instituted, implemented, They've implemented

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<v Speaker 1>my ideas and it's totally changing the way they talk

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<v Speaker 1>about everything. So you're saying, plan sex, make it a priority,

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<v Speaker 1>and then when you're in that open state, then share

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<v Speaker 1>some things that really you need to talk about as

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<v Speaker 1>a couple that communicate right absolutely when there's that trots

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<v Speaker 1>and you just have that shared success like the great

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<v Speaker 1>you know when you're on a high, like you know

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<v Speaker 1>after a great game or a great concert or something

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<v Speaker 1>right like these are things that we don't get to

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<v Speaker 1>experience with our spouse very much. That this is usually

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<v Speaker 1>something like at work or you know, with your sports

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<v Speaker 1>team you like, or or you don't have it anymore

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<v Speaker 1>in your life and you're like, oh, where can I

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<v Speaker 1>get that rush? So going together and they is why

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<v Speaker 1>I love that my husband and I are both former athletes.

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<v Speaker 1>We'll go in and we'll go in like, well, we'll

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<v Speaker 1>want to make like a personal best like Okay, do

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<v Speaker 1>you think I could have three orgasms in five minutes?

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<v Speaker 1>Do you think like from right now to that right?

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<v Speaker 1>So it's like the intensity, we set goals, we have

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<v Speaker 1>a plan, we have a play. We have our plays.

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<v Speaker 1>We'll say are we doing medium? Where we doing long?

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<v Speaker 1>It's like we got our game plan and yeah, and

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<v Speaker 1>then we can be like, yeah, we executed. And it's

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<v Speaker 1>like just that experience of like, we are really good

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<v Speaker 1>at this together. Because that's why everybody got married. They

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<v Speaker 1>thought outside arranged marriages, if you have a consensual marriage,

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<v Speaker 1>it is we're really good at this, meaning life together. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>you're really good at this together. So when there are

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<v Speaker 1>struggles in life, if you can find one area of

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<v Speaker 1>your life where you are ah an epic team, spend

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<v Speaker 1>time there. Spend time renovating that that garage together, when

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<v Speaker 1>you are where you shine together together a group activity

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<v Speaker 1>where you both can shine and be a team, be

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<v Speaker 1>a team, and where where it's not just like washing

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<v Speaker 1>the dishes together. It's like, you know, you, Caroline, the

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<v Speaker 1>strengths that only you bring that Michael goes, thank god,

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<v Speaker 1>Caroline can do that, and then the strengths that he brings,

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<v Speaker 1>and you go, oh my god, thank you for Michael

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<v Speaker 1>because he can do that, and together you achieve something

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<v Speaker 1>that's like so much better than what you could do

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<v Speaker 1>on your own. Those experiences are what reminds us of

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<v Speaker 1>why we paired up in the first place, and then

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<v Speaker 1>it helps us reach for that in a discussion about

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<v Speaker 1>what are we going to do for a summer vacation

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<v Speaker 1>next year, and you're like, oh, well, I would love this,

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<v Speaker 1>and he's like I would love this. And you can

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<v Speaker 1>start to equate your strengths with also your desires and

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<v Speaker 1>there's this trust like, oh yeah, she's got good ideas

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<v Speaker 1>and he's got good ideas. How do we how do

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<v Speaker 1>we bring this together and make it even better? You know,

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<v Speaker 1>instead of like one of my way. You had your

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<v Speaker 1>way last time. But it was like, no, we are

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<v Speaker 1>on the same team. There's no win win, there's no

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<v Speaker 1>win win. There's a w for the day. Did we

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<v Speaker 1>both feel loved and supported and did we expand today

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<v Speaker 1>or did we not? It's only one of you did well.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a it's a lose. Come on, let's go, let's

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<v Speaker 1>go team happy and healthy. Both of you up. And

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<v Speaker 1>it takes work, and it takes being intentional, and it

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<v Speaker 1>takes connection, and it takes vulnerability, and it takes prioritizing

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<v Speaker 1>it like you have to do all of those things right.

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<v Speaker 1>So if people could do that in the bedroom, then

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<v Speaker 1>you're checking like a lot of boxes at once, right it.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that's why so many people love it. Like

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<v Speaker 1>my d m s are for men, and most of

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<v Speaker 1>my readers of Swing are men. It was a book

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<v Speaker 1>I wrote about being unhappily married to a man. But

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<v Speaker 1>I just open up and I go, this is what

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<v Speaker 1>it feels like to be human. And they're like, oh

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<v Speaker 1>my god, I saw myself and you in the book.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, yeah, because we're all the same on

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<v Speaker 1>the inside, you know, take out the heart, all the

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<v Speaker 1>parts that hurt, they're all similar. Um. But men are

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<v Speaker 1>going like, oh, okay, this is like some sort of

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<v Speaker 1>self help stuff that where you know, my ego is

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<v Speaker 1>like I can I can open myself to this, thinking okay, yeah, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>we're gonna get some hotter sex. But oh actually it's

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<v Speaker 1>all this feeling stuff, which actually I really wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>talk about. But I needed like this door light in

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<v Speaker 1>and yeah I needed a way And oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>Ashley Renard, you are freaking amazing. You're saving marriage is

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<v Speaker 1>left right? How to keep monogamy hot? I freaking love it.

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<v Speaker 1>Author of Swing, thank you so much for coming on

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<v Speaker 1>and sharing your wisdom and your life journey. For being

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<v Speaker 1>so open and vulnerable and brave and sharing your story

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<v Speaker 1>because all of us can relate. You know, we all

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<v Speaker 1>want to have a healthy relationship, and that we get

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<v Speaker 1>so low cost and being human and all of our

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<v Speaker 1>own insecurities that we don't realize that we all really

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<v Speaker 1>want to be on the same team. We just block

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<v Speaker 1>ourselves out, you know, And it comes down to these

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<v Speaker 1>methods that you share and it feels like it's sex,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's really so much more. It really is. Thank

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<v Speaker 1>you so much for having me, Caroline,