Speaker 1: So how to keep monogamy hot? Now? How would you say,
Speaker 1: how do you keep monogamy hot? Now? Vulnerability number one?
Speaker 1: That that's it, Like you have to be vulnerable, you do.
Speaker 1: And I don't talk about vulnerability that much, but the
Speaker 1: suggestions I have for couples do exactly that a lot
Speaker 1: of couples are vulnerable. Just feel uncomfortable, you've been talking
Speaker 1: about something. So my first how to keep monogamy hot?
Speaker 1: Part one was decide what's how a day you're going
Speaker 1: to do it? And I said, you know, in my
Speaker 1: house nighttimes, or for sleeping in mornings, or for coffee.
Speaker 1: So I prefer five thirty pm, right before dinner. You know,
Speaker 1: a don't empty stuff wonderful, you know, it's like an appetizer. Uh.
Speaker 1: People lost their minds. I had been growing by five
Speaker 1: followers a year on social media, so I had like
Speaker 1: two thousand followers on Instagram. I got my audience group
Speaker 1: by fifty thousand people in forty five days when you
Speaker 1: started sharing this, because people need to know. I was
Speaker 1: so in a way that people were blown away that like,
Speaker 1: you can talk about sex outside the bedroom. Okay. So
Speaker 1: there's the people who are like, wait, we just go
Speaker 1: do it, we don't talk about it. And then there
Speaker 1: are the people who talk about it but like just
Speaker 1: want more variety or want like a different thing to try,
Speaker 1: you know. So that's what my content does. It's just
Speaker 1: these invitations and then people will go out on a
Speaker 1: limb and say, hey, babe, you want to or they'll
Speaker 1: text you want to have sex, want to meet me
Speaker 1: in the bedroom at five thirty, right, like you know,
Speaker 1: texting your partner for a booty call. That's fine. And
Speaker 1: then they'll go and they'll sneak away from the kids,
Speaker 1: they'll have some hot sex and they'll come out and
Speaker 1: they'll be like, oh my god, it feels so good
Speaker 1: when we're on the same team, like we just we
Speaker 1: had an objective and we win and we just like
Speaker 1: we just nailed it right. So then they're like, oh, baby,
Speaker 1: I need to tell you something about the way you've
Speaker 1: been budding the groceries away. Could you are you willing?
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. They're like, sure, everybody's Mr and Mrs cooperative,
Speaker 1: Like this is what I mean. When we just lower
Speaker 1: our defenses just a little bit, then we're more willing
Speaker 1: to let the other person in outside the bedroom. So
Speaker 1: thousands and thousands of couples have instituted, implemented, They've implemented
Speaker 1: my ideas and it's totally changing the way they talk
Speaker 1: about everything. So you're saying, plan sex, make it a priority,
Speaker 1: and then when you're in that open state, then share
Speaker 1: some things that really you need to talk about as
Speaker 1: a couple that communicate right absolutely when there's that trots
Speaker 1: and you just have that shared success like the great
Speaker 1: you know when you're on a high, like you know
Speaker 1: after a great game or a great concert or something
Speaker 1: right like these are things that we don't get to
Speaker 1: experience with our spouse very much. That this is usually
Speaker 1: something like at work or you know, with your sports
Speaker 1: team you like, or or you don't have it anymore
Speaker 1: in your life and you're like, oh, where can I
Speaker 1: get that rush? So going together and they is why
Speaker 1: I love that my husband and I are both former athletes.
Speaker 1: We'll go in and we'll go in like, well, we'll
Speaker 1: want to make like a personal best like Okay, do
Speaker 1: you think I could have three orgasms in five minutes?
Speaker 1: Do you think like from right now to that right?
Speaker 1: So it's like the intensity, we set goals, we have
Speaker 1: a plan, we have a play. We have our plays.
Speaker 1: We'll say are we doing medium? Where we doing long?
Speaker 1: It's like we got our game plan and yeah, and
Speaker 1: then we can be like, yeah, we executed. And it's
Speaker 1: like just that experience of like, we are really good
Speaker 1: at this together. Because that's why everybody got married. They
Speaker 1: thought outside arranged marriages, if you have a consensual marriage,
Speaker 1: it is we're really good at this, meaning life together. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're really good at this together. So when there are
Speaker 1: struggles in life, if you can find one area of
Speaker 1: your life where you are ah an epic team, spend
Speaker 1: time there. Spend time renovating that that garage together, when
Speaker 1: you are where you shine together together a group activity
Speaker 1: where you both can shine and be a team, be
Speaker 1: a team, and where where it's not just like washing
Speaker 1: the dishes together. It's like, you know, you, Caroline, the
Speaker 1: strengths that only you bring that Michael goes, thank god,
Speaker 1: Caroline can do that, and then the strengths that he brings,
Speaker 1: and you go, oh my god, thank you for Michael
Speaker 1: because he can do that, and together you achieve something
Speaker 1: that's like so much better than what you could do
Speaker 1: on your own. Those experiences are what reminds us of
Speaker 1: why we paired up in the first place, and then
Speaker 1: it helps us reach for that in a discussion about
Speaker 1: what are we going to do for a summer vacation
Speaker 1: next year, and you're like, oh, well, I would love this,
Speaker 1: and he's like I would love this. And you can
Speaker 1: start to equate your strengths with also your desires and
Speaker 1: there's this trust like, oh yeah, she's got good ideas
Speaker 1: and he's got good ideas. How do we how do
Speaker 1: we bring this together and make it even better? You know,
Speaker 1: instead of like one of my way. You had your
Speaker 1: way last time. But it was like, no, we are
Speaker 1: on the same team. There's no win win, there's no
Speaker 1: win win. There's a w for the day. Did we
Speaker 1: both feel loved and supported and did we expand today
Speaker 1: or did we not? It's only one of you did well.
Speaker 1: It's a it's a lose. Come on, let's go, let's
Speaker 1: go team happy and healthy. Both of you up. And
Speaker 1: it takes work, and it takes being intentional, and it
Speaker 1: takes connection, and it takes vulnerability, and it takes prioritizing
Speaker 1: it like you have to do all of those things right.
Speaker 1: So if people could do that in the bedroom, then
Speaker 1: you're checking like a lot of boxes at once, right it.
Speaker 1: I think that's why so many people love it. Like
Speaker 1: my d m s are for men, and most of
Speaker 1: my readers of Swing are men. It was a book
Speaker 1: I wrote about being unhappily married to a man. But
Speaker 1: I just open up and I go, this is what
Speaker 1: it feels like to be human. And they're like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I saw myself and you in the book.
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, because we're all the same on
Speaker 1: the inside, you know, take out the heart, all the
Speaker 1: parts that hurt, they're all similar. Um. But men are
Speaker 1: going like, oh, okay, this is like some sort of
Speaker 1: self help stuff that where you know, my ego is
Speaker 1: like I can I can open myself to this, thinking okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're gonna get some hotter sex. But oh actually it's
Speaker 1: all this feeling stuff, which actually I really wanted to
Speaker 1: talk about. But I needed like this door light in
Speaker 1: and yeah I needed a way And oh my god,
Speaker 1: Ashley Renard, you are freaking amazing. You're saving marriage is
Speaker 1: left right? How to keep monogamy hot? I freaking love it.
Speaker 1: Author of Swing, thank you so much for coming on
Speaker 1: and sharing your wisdom and your life journey. For being
Speaker 1: so open and vulnerable and brave and sharing your story
Speaker 1: because all of us can relate. You know, we all
Speaker 1: want to have a healthy relationship, and that we get
Speaker 1: so low cost and being human and all of our
Speaker 1: own insecurities that we don't realize that we all really
Speaker 1: want to be on the same team. We just block
Speaker 1: ourselves out, you know, And it comes down to these
Speaker 1: methods that you share and it feels like it's sex,
Speaker 1: but it's really so much more. It really is. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for having me, Caroline,