WEBVTT - Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)

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<v Speaker 1>Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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<v Speaker 1>Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward slash Tour and get

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<v Speaker 1>yours today. How do you let someone know that they

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<v Speaker 1>should make a move without giving any And that's the

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<v Speaker 1>Van Edwards best selling author and Researcheressmon Edwards.

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<v Speaker 2>We decide how confident someone is within the first two

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<v Speaker 2>hundred milliseconds of hearing the speak. The best way to

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<v Speaker 2>show availability is one word and it sounds like this.

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<v Speaker 1>Tell me why compliments don't work? How do we tell

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<v Speaker 1>the difference between charisma and narcissism?

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<v Speaker 3>The way you see the world changes the world.

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<v Speaker 1>What are the negative cues we miss because we're infatuated

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<v Speaker 1>or attractive as hell?

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<v Speaker 2>If you want to be treated with more respect, you

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<v Speaker 2>have to make sure It's.

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<v Speaker 1>The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Sheety Jay

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<v Speaker 1>Shettyly shet Hey everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the

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<v Speaker 1>place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

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<v Speaker 1>You know that one of my biggest focuses and services

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<v Speaker 1>is introducing you to experts who are obsessed and addicted

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<v Speaker 1>to their field. People who are powerhouses, who deeply and

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<v Speaker 1>intimately understand human behavior so they can help you improve

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<v Speaker 1>yours and spots sign of the people around you. Today's

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<v Speaker 1>guest is going to do just that. I want to

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<v Speaker 1>welcome to on Purpose for the first time ever, but

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<v Speaker 1>not the last time. Vanessa van Edwards a multi time

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<v Speaker 1>best selling author, renowned behavioral researcher on professional communication and leadership.

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<v Speaker 1>More than fifty million people have seen Vanessa's talks on

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<v Speaker 1>YouTube and how viral ted talk as well. Vanessa's work

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<v Speaker 1>has been featured in national and international media including Entrepreneur Magazine, CNN, CBS,

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<v Speaker 1>and many more. Vanessa's latest book, Cues Mastered The Secret

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<v Speaker 1>Language of Charismatic Communication was an instant bestseller and I

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<v Speaker 1>highly recommend it. Please welcome to On Purpose, Vanessa van Edwards. Vanessa,

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<v Speaker 1>it's so great to have you here. I'm looking forward

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<v Speaker 1>to this, Yes, waiting for this moment. Me too. And

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<v Speaker 1>from the moment you walked in, I was like, this

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<v Speaker 1>person is so charismatic, magnetic, says great energy and I

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<v Speaker 1>want to start off, Vanessa, just to dive straight in.

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<v Speaker 3>Let's do it.

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<v Speaker 1>If someone was not only to listen, but to apply

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<v Speaker 1>the insights you're about to share today, what would they overcome.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm a recovering awkward person and I have found that

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<v Speaker 2>through this work, and that is my mission today with you,

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<v Speaker 2>that you can overcome awkwardness, doubt, and most importantly, the

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<v Speaker 2>feeling of being underestimated.

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<v Speaker 3>I think that that's really.

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<v Speaker 2>What I'm trying to get at with my work is

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<v Speaker 2>if you feel that you have a lot of potential,

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<v Speaker 2>or you have this desire to connect, but you don't

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<v Speaker 2>know how, and people are underestimating your charisma, your ideas,

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<v Speaker 2>your smarts, who you are. My goal is to make

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<v Speaker 2>it so you no longer feel underestimated.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh I love that that's so strong.

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<v Speaker 3>Those are my people.

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<v Speaker 1>That's so strong, and I resonate with it so strongly

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<v Speaker 1>because I'm sure, just like you, I meet so many

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<v Speaker 1>people who feel they have the next big idea, who

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<v Speaker 1>feel that they have something to share, something to give,

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<v Speaker 1>something to teach, some to pass on, but they don't

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<v Speaker 1>feel confident. They're lacking that feeling of courage. They're lacking

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<v Speaker 1>that feeling of I don't know how to present my idea.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know how to share it. And this is

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<v Speaker 1>what we're going to do today.

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<v Speaker 2>And the problem is like I also had these ideas,

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<v Speaker 2>but I not only didn't have confidence, I felt out

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<v Speaker 2>of control. I think this is an aspect of communication

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<v Speaker 2>we don't talk about enough. I think the side door

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<v Speaker 2>into confidence because we all say I wish I felt

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<v Speaker 2>more confident, But the side door is thinking, Okay, I

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<v Speaker 2>have an idea, what's the blueprint that I need from conversations,

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<v Speaker 2>from charisma to be able to get where I want?

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<v Speaker 2>How can I take control of my connections, my relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>my communication, so I know if I want to show

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<v Speaker 2>up as friendly or as likable or as competent, I

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<v Speaker 2>know exactly what to do with my body, my voice,

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<v Speaker 2>my words to show.

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<v Speaker 3>Up in that way.

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<v Speaker 2>So for me, the only way I was able to

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<v Speaker 2>overcome awkwardness was taking control of the signals I'm sending

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<v Speaker 2>and being able to take control of the kinds of

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<v Speaker 2>relationships and conversations I had.

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<v Speaker 1>What I really appreciate about what you're saying. You just

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<v Speaker 1>named three things you said. If I want to come

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<v Speaker 1>across as friendly, likable, and competent. What's really fascinating is

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<v Speaker 1>I think most of us don't even know we want

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<v Speaker 1>to come across that way.

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<v Speaker 3>This is true. The step one of control is how

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<v Speaker 3>do you want people to see you? And here's what's

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<v Speaker 3>really important. The cues that you send to others make

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<v Speaker 3>people think about you a certain way. But the cues

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<v Speaker 3>you send to others also change how others treat you.

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<v Speaker 3>So if you want to be treated with more respect,

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<v Speaker 3>you have to make sure it starts with you that

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<v Speaker 3>you're sending the cues needed to show others how they

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<v Speaker 3>should treat you with respect. If you want to be

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<v Speaker 3>treated with friendliness or warmth or vulnerability, how do you

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<v Speaker 3>signal to others? I want you to be open and

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<v Speaker 3>raw and real with me. We can take control of

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<v Speaker 3>those signals to tell others here's how I want to

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<v Speaker 3>be treated. And so step one is how do you

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<v Speaker 3>want people to see you? It's a ill game, okay.

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<v Speaker 2>So in your mind, when people first meet you, what

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<v Speaker 2>word do you think they think? Like, what's a word

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<v Speaker 2>they use to describe you?

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<v Speaker 1>Ooh, that's so good.

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<v Speaker 3>What do you think it is?

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<v Speaker 1>I would hope it is is warm?

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<v Speaker 3>Warm? Okay.

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<v Speaker 2>So I've asked this to thousands of people and the

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<v Speaker 2>words are you know, all over the place. By the way,

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of folks have negative words, and that's okay. Like,

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<v Speaker 2>for example, my word used to be awkward, right, like

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<v Speaker 2>people would say that I knew you know when you

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<v Speaker 2>show up. And I'm a social overthinker, so like I

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<v Speaker 2>would get in my head about things.

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<v Speaker 3>I would overthink things I knew. I could see in

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<v Speaker 3>their face.

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<v Speaker 2>That I was coming across as awkward and I was

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<v Speaker 2>creating more awkwardness. So my original word for first impression

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<v Speaker 2>was awkward, and that's what got me into this work.

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<v Speaker 2>So a lot of the words. I have two kind

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<v Speaker 2>of groups of people. I have folks like you who

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<v Speaker 2>are like.

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<v Speaker 3>Warm, competent, charismatic, confident. I love it. I love it.

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<v Speaker 2>But a lot of folks and if this is you,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm with you, I'm gonna help. It could be quiet,

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<v Speaker 2>it could be awkward, it could be scared, nervous. There's

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of words like that. Okay, so start there.

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<v Speaker 2>Then the question is what do you want people to

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<v Speaker 2>think when they first meet you. What's the word that

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<v Speaker 2>you wish? Maybe even two or three words. How do

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<v Speaker 2>you want to come across? So would yours ideal be warm?

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<v Speaker 2>And do you have another one that you wish?

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<v Speaker 1>I'd probably add loving.

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<v Speaker 3>Loving, love it.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, so think of three words that you wish to convey.

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<v Speaker 2>Now we have to work backwards. So step two is, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>how do we convey warmth and competence and loving or confidence?

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<v Speaker 2>That's where the real magic happens. And there are ninety

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<v Speaker 2>seven cues. I've identified ninety seven keys, ninety seven cues.

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<v Speaker 2>The very beginning of my career, I realize that humans

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<v Speaker 2>were sending these social signals back and forth. You're nodding,

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<v Speaker 2>your hand, gesture, your feet, your voice, power, and I

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<v Speaker 2>just missed them all. I have an affliction. I tend

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<v Speaker 2>to misinterpret neutral faces as negative. I think we all

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of people tell a lot of people. It's

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<v Speaker 2>the basis of resting bothered face.

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<v Speaker 3>This is the basis.

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<v Speaker 2>There's actually science behind RBF, and it's that most people

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<v Speaker 2>misidentify neutral expressions as negative. And by the way, interesting

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<v Speaker 2>thing they found in the research with this was if

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<v Speaker 2>you are an angrier person, if you to get angry more,

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<v Speaker 2>you see more neutral faces as angry.

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<v Speaker 1>Ooh or I didn't even think about this.

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<v Speaker 2>So in a way, the way you see the world

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<v Speaker 2>changes the world. Right, Like, if you were an angry

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<v Speaker 2>person and you're misinterpreting neutral faces as angry and then

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<v Speaker 2>you reply back with anger or offensiveness or defensiveness, you

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<v Speaker 2>make them angry.

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<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, And so this.

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<v Speaker 3>Is like this weird c cycle.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, so if there's ninety seven different cues, I started

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<v Speaker 2>categorizing them because I was like, I don't I'm misinterpreting.

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<v Speaker 3>And I would say to my.

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<v Speaker 2>Husband, I think she's mad at me, and he'd be like,

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<v Speaker 2>why I go to a party like everyone's mad at me.

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<v Speaker 3>He'd be like, I didn't see that at all.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's when I started to realize, Okay, what are

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<v Speaker 2>the actual negative faces? So I discovered, you know, the

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<v Speaker 2>research on micro expressions, the seven micro expressions, what we

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<v Speaker 2>can talk about and then I started to categorize these

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<v Speaker 2>patterns just for me, and then I realized there was

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<v Speaker 2>all these other awkward people who also wanted to be

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<v Speaker 2>able to read these social signals.

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<v Speaker 3>And so I think that.

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<v Speaker 2>When you've picked your word, starting to make your recipe

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<v Speaker 2>of charisma.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and what I love about this is this is

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<v Speaker 1>all how happening before you get to the date, before

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<v Speaker 1>you get to the event, before you get to the interview.

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<v Speaker 1>This is where it has to start. And I think

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<v Speaker 1>so many of us turn up and naturally, by the way,

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<v Speaker 1>me included. I think the challenge I have is people

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<v Speaker 1>may assume that I'm always confident and have it all together.

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<v Speaker 1>If I don't prepare for an event, I can turn

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<v Speaker 1>up and feel exactly the same way because I walk

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<v Speaker 1>in and I'm rushed there and I'm thinking, gosh, what

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<v Speaker 1>am I going to say? Like why am I here again?

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<v Speaker 1>And why is that person looking at me with that way?

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<v Speaker 1>And were they right?

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, so this is good.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's add a step to our exercise, which is I'm

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<v Speaker 2>just thinking about this, now, what's your bad day first

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<v Speaker 2>impression word?

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<v Speaker 1>My bad day first impression word would be absent, like I'm.

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<v Speaker 3>Just like muting.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Like, I'm just not quite there. I'm probably looking

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<v Speaker 1>through someone. I'm probably not listening as well as I

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<v Speaker 1>usually do because I'm kind of just I'm lost. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>a bit lost and absent.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Okay, So everyone should think about their first impression word,

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<v Speaker 2>their current first impression word, and their ideal why. What

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<v Speaker 2>are the triggers that trigger you to be in that

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<v Speaker 2>bad space and what are the triggers that make you

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<v Speaker 2>feel in that good space. So one of the very

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<v Speaker 2>first steps is Okay, whether you're an introvert, an extrovert,

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<v Speaker 2>or an ambivert, and there is that sort of in between,

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<v Speaker 2>who triggers you to be your best self?

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<v Speaker 3>You know how?

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<v Speaker 2>Like around certain people, you're like, ah, I'm my funniest

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<v Speaker 2>I'm my most charismatic. Great, those are the people who

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<v Speaker 2>bring out the good first impression. You want to be

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<v Speaker 2>around those people as much as possible. Who are the

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<v Speaker 2>people who bring out the bad first impression?

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<v Speaker 1>Right?

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<v Speaker 3>Like?

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<v Speaker 2>Who are the people who make you feel the way

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<v Speaker 2>I would describe as like tight inside, Like that's how I

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<v Speaker 2>would describe it, rigid, Like that's what I do. I

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<v Speaker 2>get very rigid when I'm afraid or nervous. Who makes

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<v Speaker 2>you feel angry, Who makes you feel rigid, who makes

0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:48.280
<v Speaker 2>you feel afraid? Who makes you shut down? You know,

0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:50.920
<v Speaker 2>awkwardness dresses up in a lot of different ways. Some people,

0:10:51.200 --> 0:10:55.120
<v Speaker 2>their awkwardness is shutting down, right, They mute, they go quiet,

0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:57.080
<v Speaker 2>they collapse in on themselves, they take up less.

0:10:56.920 --> 0:10:58.760
<v Speaker 3>Space from body language perspective.

0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:03.280
<v Speaker 2>But other people get bigger, they become dramatic, they name drop,

0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:07.000
<v Speaker 2>they talk too loud, they overtalk. Like, that's also a

0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:08.920
<v Speaker 2>way that are awkward to stress up. So what are

0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:10.960
<v Speaker 2>your triggers that make you do that? The people, but

0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:13.840
<v Speaker 2>also the places. Yes, right, Like I love a one

0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:16.680
<v Speaker 2>on one conversation, So I'm I was more excited for

0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:18.439
<v Speaker 2>this conversation than I would be. Like if you were

0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:20.200
<v Speaker 2>to say, Vanessa, come over to my house for a

0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:21.040
<v Speaker 2>happy hour.

0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:25.400
<v Speaker 1>Which never happens in my house because I'm not coming.

0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:28.000
<v Speaker 2>I can't come, or if I come, I would be

0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:31.800
<v Speaker 2>like agonizing the whole time, like a rooftop bar, you know,

0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.120
<v Speaker 2>loud night club, just like not my space.

0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:37.040
<v Speaker 3>Like, I just triggered all the bad stuff in me.

0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:39.880
<v Speaker 2>So I think that like knowing who and what is

0:11:39.920 --> 0:11:41.800
<v Speaker 2>going to also set you up for success into getting

0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:44.360
<v Speaker 2>to the better taking control, Right, if you can control

0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:45.720
<v Speaker 2>the people in the places where you want to show

0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:47.520
<v Speaker 2>up your best self, that's like step number one.

0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:48.280
<v Speaker 3>That's the groundwork.

0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:52.440
<v Speaker 1>And I think that that's hard shifting that moving that

0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:55.320
<v Speaker 1>forward when you have to start going to places where

0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:58.000
<v Speaker 1>you don't know anyone. Right, And there were two areas

0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:00.680
<v Speaker 1>I already wanted to focus on with you today. One

0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.400
<v Speaker 1>was looking at the dating landscape, and we'll start there.

0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:06.000
<v Speaker 1>And the second I want to focus on is work. Yeah,

0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:08.520
<v Speaker 1>because I feel like those are the two areas where

0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:11.560
<v Speaker 1>your skills and your habits and your tools thrive in

0:12:11.559 --> 0:12:13.920
<v Speaker 1>a way that you know people are going to change

0:12:13.960 --> 0:12:15.920
<v Speaker 1>their lives. We were talking about this idea that let's

0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.640
<v Speaker 1>say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at

0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:22.120
<v Speaker 1>a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe

0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:24.800
<v Speaker 1>it is a club. Yes, you want to signal to

0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:28.480
<v Speaker 1>someone to make a move. You want to let them

0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:31.040
<v Speaker 1>know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them

0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:32.719
<v Speaker 1>to do something. But you want to be subtle. You

0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:35.480
<v Speaker 1>don't want to give it away. How do you let

0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.880
<v Speaker 1>someone know that they should make a move without giving

0:12:38.880 --> 0:12:39.280
<v Speaker 1>it away?

0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:42.280
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably

0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.360
<v Speaker 2>not going to like, but it's so important. It's a

0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:50.439
<v Speaker 2>phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very

0:12:50.440 --> 0:12:53.319
<v Speaker 2>well studied that we tend to think we are over

0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:56.320
<v Speaker 2>obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar,

0:12:56.480 --> 0:13:00.000
<v Speaker 2>they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub set,

0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.520
<v Speaker 2>women and men who think they are being obvious with

0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:07.880
<v Speaker 2>their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

0:13:08.000 --> 0:13:08.840
<v Speaker 3>Okay, that's so good.

0:13:08.880 --> 0:13:12.000
<v Speaker 2>They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was

0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:17.040
<v Speaker 2>incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each

0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:21.000
<v Speaker 2>person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They

0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:23.959
<v Speaker 2>found in ten minutes, how many signals do you think

0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.280
<v Speaker 2>it took for a woman to show a man she

0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:28.160
<v Speaker 2>was interested? How many in ten minutes? How many signals

0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:30.920
<v Speaker 2>did you have to send when it actually worked? When

0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:31.640
<v Speaker 2>it actually worked.

0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:34.800
<v Speaker 1>Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna

0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:37.280
<v Speaker 1>go thirty twenty nine, oh okay, cool.

0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:40.160
<v Speaker 3>That's it. But do you know how many signals that is.

0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:43.280
<v Speaker 1>Innut A lot of signals that is that is pretty constant.

0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:44.959
<v Speaker 1>And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have

0:13:45.000 --> 0:13:46.920
<v Speaker 1>guessed three, right, it was only because you gave me

0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:48.800
<v Speaker 1>a sense that there was more. I probably would have

0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:49.800
<v Speaker 1>said three seven.

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:52.840
<v Speaker 2>That is what women think is it was needed. I

0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:55.080
<v Speaker 2>sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over.

0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.160
<v Speaker 2>He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he

0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.520
<v Speaker 2>doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick

0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:04.280
<v Speaker 2>of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten

0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:08.400
<v Speaker 2>minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh,

0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:10.680
<v Speaker 2>she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the

0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.959
<v Speaker 2>conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability?

0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:16.600
<v Speaker 2>And this is what's most important is in the same

0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:20.520
<v Speaker 2>group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most

0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:24.080
<v Speaker 2>attractive women, who are rated on their attractiveness got approached

0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:27.440
<v Speaker 2>less than unattractive women who.

0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:28.240
<v Speaker 3>Didn't signal enough.

0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:28.960
<v Speaker 1>Fascinating.

0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.120
<v Speaker 2>So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough,

0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:31.920
<v Speaker 2>you won't be approached.

0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:34.520
<v Speaker 1>Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively

0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:35.160
<v Speaker 1>attractive you are?

0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:37.960
<v Speaker 2>You have to be available more. So what they found

0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:40.560
<v Speaker 2>and this is so it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness,

0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:42.600
<v Speaker 2>but it helps us understand that something that I think

0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.400
<v Speaker 2>we use attractiveness as an excuse I'm not pretty enough

0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:49.440
<v Speaker 2>or I'm not this enough. No, Actually, some unattractive women

0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:54.200
<v Speaker 2>whose signal availability God approached more wow. And so availability

0:14:54.280 --> 0:14:58.360
<v Speaker 2>actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair,

0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:00.600
<v Speaker 2>your outfit, how you look, how you you smell, all

0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:03.760
<v Speaker 2>those things are great, but they will not work if

0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:06.680
<v Speaker 2>you do not know the body language signals of availability,

0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:09.120
<v Speaker 2>and you have to be super clear with them. So

0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:16.040
<v Speaker 2>the very first one are flirty glances are yeah, I'm

0:15:16.040 --> 0:15:19.520
<v Speaker 2>gonna demo it for you. Okay, So flirty glances are

0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:21.760
<v Speaker 2>typically they little gaze patterns.

0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:23.720
<v Speaker 3>Is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we

0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:24.440
<v Speaker 3>see someone we like.

0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:27.560
<v Speaker 1>We oh yeah, nice little side glands.

0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:29.000
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, like very brief.

0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:29.560
<v Speaker 1>It's a look.

0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:33.400
<v Speaker 2>It's a look back but then look back. Yeah, and

0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:35.480
<v Speaker 2>it's a side look or a down and up look.

0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:37.520
<v Speaker 2>The down and up look works really well because you're

0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:38.760
<v Speaker 2>looking up through your lashes.

0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:41.160
<v Speaker 3>That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.

0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:43.080
<v Speaker 2>So if you want to look at the classic example

0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.560
<v Speaker 2>of this every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has

0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:48.880
<v Speaker 2>her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.

0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:50.760
<v Speaker 2>That is a look that we just like we just

0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:53.400
<v Speaker 2>like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing

0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:57.240
<v Speaker 2>around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away,

0:15:57.360 --> 0:15:58.600
<v Speaker 2>then it's little smiles.

0:15:58.960 --> 0:15:59.880
<v Speaker 3>So look and little smile.

0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:02.680
<v Speaker 2>And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these,

0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:05.360
<v Speaker 2>so we got to get really comfortable with trying.

0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:06.960
<v Speaker 3>And the nice thing is there's no pressure.

0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:09.160
<v Speaker 2>If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't reorthin the

0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:14.120
<v Speaker 2>glans right, So eye contact smiles. Self touch is also

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:15.920
<v Speaker 2>considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with

0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.720
<v Speaker 2>my hair or I play with my dress, that's a

0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:22.920
<v Speaker 2>way of signaling our hair health. From from a evolutionary perspective,

0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:25.360
<v Speaker 2>it's like, look, how healthy I am my healthy long hair.

0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:26.800
<v Speaker 2>I think it's one of the reasons why we tend

0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.840
<v Speaker 2>to like long hair. We'll also when they're flirting, they'll

0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:32.920
<v Speaker 2>touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually

0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:36.600
<v Speaker 2>releases pheromones. So the reason why some women will touch

0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:38.720
<v Speaker 2>their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually

0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:42.400
<v Speaker 2>trying to release their scent. And scent is very very important.

0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.880
<v Speaker 2>It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships.

0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:46.880
<v Speaker 2>For example, it's a little bit off the side of

0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:49.040
<v Speaker 2>dating but I just want to explain why smell is

0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:51.600
<v Speaker 2>so important. I just read this study and I was like, what.

0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.200
<v Speaker 2>They had women wear white T shirts with no deodorant,

0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:58.360
<v Speaker 2>no nothing, so just their natural smell for twenty four hours.

0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:00.600
<v Speaker 2>They took these T shirts and they had other women

0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:03.920
<v Speaker 2>smell these T shirts and rate the women on if

0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:06.720
<v Speaker 2>they liked the smell. Okay, imagine your opening as the

0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:10.800
<v Speaker 2>thought bag and You're smelling study. I would have loved it. Okay,

0:17:10.960 --> 0:17:13.640
<v Speaker 2>I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers.

0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:15.760
<v Speaker 2>I'm there. So they had them smell the T shirts

0:17:15.760 --> 0:17:17.000
<v Speaker 2>and they had them rate them on how much they

0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:19.920
<v Speaker 2>liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact

0:17:19.960 --> 0:17:23.640
<v Speaker 2>in person. They didn't know who's who the smell they

0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:27.119
<v Speaker 2>liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person,

0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:31.479
<v Speaker 2>so they actually found their people. There is something to it.

0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.960
<v Speaker 2>So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're

0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:37.600
<v Speaker 2>trying to release this natural smell of like I'm going

0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.680
<v Speaker 2>to probably click with you. That's why if you smell

0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:44.080
<v Speaker 2>good and good is subjective, like That's why I think

0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:45.720
<v Speaker 2>why sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking.

0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:47.080
<v Speaker 3>We like each other's smell.

0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:51.640
<v Speaker 2>So so being available also like releasing pheromone self touch.

0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:53.800
<v Speaker 2>And then this one is not from the research, but

0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:57.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think

0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:01.959
<v Speaker 2>the best way to show availability is one word, and

0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:08.440
<v Speaker 2>it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk to

0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:10.040
<v Speaker 2>the bathroom and you walk to the bar, you walk

0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:12.360
<v Speaker 2>by them, Hey, just like that.

0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:14.520
<v Speaker 3>Because look, by the way, this is for both men

0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:19.080
<v Speaker 3>and women, okay, because life is too short to not hay, right,

0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:20.240
<v Speaker 3>and there's no pressure.

0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:23.240
<v Speaker 2>If you walk by someone in the gym, right and

0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:26.240
<v Speaker 2>you're like hey, even if they have their air pods in,

0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.840
<v Speaker 2>if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey, right.

0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:31.840
<v Speaker 1>Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say

0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:36.840
<v Speaker 1>it matters Hey, it's not like that's pretty good? Okay,

0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:39.880
<v Speaker 1>all right, okay, so I'll do.

0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.679
<v Speaker 2>See men men do good with a downward inflection, So

0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:44.600
<v Speaker 2>like that down reflection is good. So if it goes good,

0:18:44.600 --> 0:18:46.760
<v Speaker 2>the guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not

0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:47.680
<v Speaker 2>into it, he's gonna.

0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:49.840
<v Speaker 1>Be like hey, yeah, right.

0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:53.680
<v Speaker 2>No problem, right, like cool, Hey, So it's like the

0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:56.760
<v Speaker 2>most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store,

0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:59.040
<v Speaker 2>when even by the way, if someone has airpots on there,

0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:02.680
<v Speaker 2>it's still gonna see you go. They're going to take

0:19:02.680 --> 0:19:05.120
<v Speaker 2>out their heir find and they're gonna be like, hey,

0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:07.719
<v Speaker 2>So here's the difference, right, So I am using the

0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:11.320
<v Speaker 2>lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important

0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:14.960
<v Speaker 2>for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how

0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:18.240
<v Speaker 2>confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of

0:19:18.320 --> 0:19:23.280
<v Speaker 2>hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most

0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:25.440
<v Speaker 2>important word you can say really is hey.

0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:26.720
<v Speaker 3>That's it.

0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:30.320
<v Speaker 2>You've just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's

0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:33.000
<v Speaker 2>specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are

0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:37.119
<v Speaker 2>listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So

0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.439
<v Speaker 2>right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest

0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:41.160
<v Speaker 2>end of my natural voice because I know that people

0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:43.840
<v Speaker 2>are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When

0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:45.640
<v Speaker 2>I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher

0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:47.119
<v Speaker 2>in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit

0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:48.919
<v Speaker 2>more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit

0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:50.399
<v Speaker 2>more like this. Now, if I were to do the

0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:52.640
<v Speaker 2>entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive

0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:54.720
<v Speaker 2>you crazy.

0:19:54.960 --> 0:19:56.320
<v Speaker 3>It's infectious. We catch it.

0:19:56.960 --> 0:19:58.920
<v Speaker 2>We don't like to be around people or we could

0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:01.160
<v Speaker 2>catch their anxiety. We don't want to catster anxiety. They've

0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:04.879
<v Speaker 2>even found that we match the voice resonance of the

0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:07.840
<v Speaker 2>most important person in the room. So when they tested people,

0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:12.920
<v Speaker 2>they found that they un subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's

0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:14.920
<v Speaker 2>most important person room their own resonance.

0:20:15.240 --> 0:20:18.200
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<v Speaker 1>and use code on purpose to receive fifteen percent off

0:21:34.480 --> 0:21:38.919
<v Speaker 1>your first order. That's drink j u Ni dot com

0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:42.520
<v Speaker 1>and make sure you use the code on purpose. So

0:21:42.600 --> 0:21:44.640
<v Speaker 1>here's the thing a lot of us when you're attracted

0:21:44.640 --> 0:21:48.720
<v Speaker 1>to someone, your heart rate goes up, you start breathing shallower,

0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:51.240
<v Speaker 1>and you're about to say it in a like you

0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:54.720
<v Speaker 1>go hey, hey, like really that's the reaction because you're

0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:56.000
<v Speaker 1>so nervous.

0:21:55.600 --> 0:21:56.919
<v Speaker 3>And this is why we don't have enough cups.

0:21:58.080 --> 0:22:00.520
<v Speaker 1>This is the reason. Is the way were saying, yeah,

0:22:00.720 --> 0:22:02.360
<v Speaker 1>h what do we do when you're like, when you're

0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:05.920
<v Speaker 1>feeling that like attraction, maybe you've even built up to it.

0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:08.880
<v Speaker 1>You've been going to class every day for thirty days

0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:11.840
<v Speaker 1>and this guy's turning up three times. You're trying to

0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:12.600
<v Speaker 1>send the queue.

0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:15.919
<v Speaker 2>Yes, okay, so luckily one is. Now that you know it,

0:22:15.920 --> 0:22:17.560
<v Speaker 2>it's going to be very easy for you to hear yourself.

0:22:17.560 --> 0:22:19.320
<v Speaker 2>Do it so at home if you wouldn't mind trying

0:22:19.320 --> 0:22:21.520
<v Speaker 2>this with me. I want you to hear the highest

0:22:21.600 --> 0:22:23.360
<v Speaker 2>end of your range versus the lowest end of your range.

0:22:23.359 --> 0:22:25.480
<v Speaker 2>Everyone has a natural range, So first, let's start with

0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:27.359
<v Speaker 2>the highest. So take a deep breath and say hello

0:22:27.400 --> 0:22:30.760
<v Speaker 2>at the top of your breath. Hello, Hello. That's our

0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:33.200
<v Speaker 2>natural highest end of our range. I never want you

0:22:33.240 --> 0:22:35.800
<v Speaker 2>to sound like that. I never sound like yeah, right,

0:22:35.840 --> 0:22:37.399
<v Speaker 2>maybe your dog. I see people go.

0:22:37.440 --> 0:22:41.280
<v Speaker 1>Hello, baby, Actually you're right to my niece and nephew.

0:22:41.440 --> 0:22:42.800
<v Speaker 1>May they look at me like stuff? Talking to me

0:22:42.840 --> 0:22:43.040
<v Speaker 1>like that?

0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:44.280
<v Speaker 3>Babies and dogs, totally fine.

0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:49.480
<v Speaker 2>Babies, dogs, that's it, because you're signaling tightness, high anxiety,

0:22:49.520 --> 0:22:50.800
<v Speaker 2>and we don't want that. And by the way, this

0:22:50.840 --> 0:22:52.560
<v Speaker 2>happens to everyone. We hold our breath as we're answering

0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:56.439
<v Speaker 2>the phone. Hello, You've just given away all your confidence. Okay,

0:22:56.560 --> 0:22:58.320
<v Speaker 2>so that's the highest. Let's try the lowest. So take

0:22:58.320 --> 0:23:02.240
<v Speaker 2>a couple of deep breaths, relax your vocal cords. Relax

0:23:02.280 --> 0:23:05.399
<v Speaker 2>your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth, and then

0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:07.040
<v Speaker 2>I want you to say hello on the outbreath.

0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:12.240
<v Speaker 3>It's gonna sound like this, Hello, Hello. That's the lowest

0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:13.040
<v Speaker 3>end of your range.

0:23:13.080 --> 0:23:14.959
<v Speaker 2>What happens here is when we take in breath and

0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:18.280
<v Speaker 2>we speak on the outbreath, it forces our vocal cords

0:23:18.320 --> 0:23:20.520
<v Speaker 2>to relax and it puts us on our lower range.

0:23:20.600 --> 0:23:22.040
<v Speaker 2>So here's the difference. Here's how I want you to

0:23:22.080 --> 0:23:25.560
<v Speaker 2>say hello. Let's to the phone first. So instead of Hello,

0:23:26.600 --> 0:23:32.040
<v Speaker 2>I want you to go Hello. Totally different the second one. Right,

0:23:32.080 --> 0:23:36.000
<v Speaker 2>So here's the bad one, Hello, that's too high, versus

0:23:36.040 --> 0:23:36.720
<v Speaker 2>on the outbreath.

0:23:37.359 --> 0:23:37.679
<v Speaker 3>Hello.

0:23:39.320 --> 0:23:43.119
<v Speaker 2>It's still me, but I sound totally different. You would

0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:46.520
<v Speaker 2>treat me differently based on those two hellos. I started

0:23:46.520 --> 0:23:49.439
<v Speaker 2>off by saying, your cues change how people treat you.

0:23:50.200 --> 0:23:53.160
<v Speaker 2>If you speak with confidence, people are going to treat

0:23:53.200 --> 0:23:56.240
<v Speaker 2>you with more respect, and so it is critical we

0:23:56.240 --> 0:23:59.000
<v Speaker 2>speak that lower tone. So when I was like hey,

0:24:00.040 --> 0:24:00.640
<v Speaker 2>I didn't.

0:24:00.440 --> 0:24:06.040
<v Speaker 1>Go hey, are I'm so good?

0:24:07.840 --> 0:24:10.639
<v Speaker 3>So a nice low hay for both men and women.

0:24:10.720 --> 0:24:13.800
<v Speaker 3>This works? And can we just hey everyone?

0:24:14.040 --> 0:24:15.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? Yeah, I like that.

0:24:15.320 --> 0:24:16.320
<v Speaker 3>Let's just do like.

0:24:16.280 --> 0:24:21.120
<v Speaker 2>Life is too short to not hay a person you're like,

0:24:20.440 --> 0:24:23.960
<v Speaker 2>I like their vibe. Yeah, right, Like, let's just hey everyone,

0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:25.679
<v Speaker 2>and if you see me out on an airport, you

0:24:25.720 --> 0:24:27.200
<v Speaker 2>just ab I'll laugh.

0:24:27.640 --> 0:24:30.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I love. Oh that's good. I like that. I

0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:33.680
<v Speaker 1>really like that because I think a lot of people

0:24:33.720 --> 0:24:35.920
<v Speaker 1>listening right now they might be thinking, but I want

0:24:35.920 --> 0:24:38.760
<v Speaker 1>to be accepted for who I am. What's the difference

0:24:38.800 --> 0:24:43.000
<v Speaker 1>between who we are and how we choose to present ourselves?

0:24:43.080 --> 0:24:45.399
<v Speaker 1>Because I think people get confused. They go, oh, but

0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:47.959
<v Speaker 1>I am that kind of person who's nervous and anxious

0:24:47.960 --> 0:24:49.600
<v Speaker 1>and everything, But that's not who they are.

0:24:49.760 --> 0:24:51.760
<v Speaker 2>I don't believe in fake it till you make it.

0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:53.120
<v Speaker 2>It's not a concept.

0:24:52.800 --> 0:24:55.120
<v Speaker 3>I've ever Yeah, me neither resonated with.

0:24:55.280 --> 0:24:58.440
<v Speaker 2>And so notice how I didn't say I want you

0:24:58.480 --> 0:25:01.240
<v Speaker 2>to be like Elizabeth Holmes and go, hey, I can't

0:25:01.280 --> 0:25:03.800
<v Speaker 2>even do it. How did she do it? She was

0:25:03.880 --> 0:25:07.520
<v Speaker 2>so like she faked that low tone. No, I wanted

0:25:07.520 --> 0:25:09.879
<v Speaker 2>you to find the lowest end of your natural tone.

0:25:10.480 --> 0:25:11.840
<v Speaker 2>First is I don't believe and take it to you

0:25:11.880 --> 0:25:13.840
<v Speaker 2>make it. Second is, I want you to sound like

0:25:13.880 --> 0:25:19.560
<v Speaker 2>your most confident self. So if for you that is, hey, cool,

0:25:19.600 --> 0:25:23.680
<v Speaker 2>girl cool. I'm for it, right, like I will. If

0:25:23.680 --> 0:25:26.240
<v Speaker 2>that is you and that's how you go, I will

0:25:26.280 --> 0:25:28.280
<v Speaker 2>take it. So I want you to feel like you.

0:25:28.359 --> 0:25:30.960
<v Speaker 2>But I also want you to find your resonance point.

0:25:30.960 --> 0:25:34.439
<v Speaker 2>It's called a maximum resonance point. That's speaking with. This

0:25:34.480 --> 0:25:36.720
<v Speaker 2>is for both dating and work. That's speaking with this

0:25:36.920 --> 0:25:40.800
<v Speaker 2>part of your voice that is open and full of

0:25:41.320 --> 0:25:45.640
<v Speaker 2>power and volume and space. And don't we all want

0:25:45.640 --> 0:25:48.000
<v Speaker 2>to operate that way? Like I think everyone is more

0:25:48.080 --> 0:25:51.040
<v Speaker 2>themselves when they have space in their bodies, when they're

0:25:51.080 --> 0:25:53.280
<v Speaker 2>taking up their space, when they have breath, and that

0:25:53.359 --> 0:25:57.119
<v Speaker 2>translates to everything. Yeah, it translates to my face. It

0:25:57.160 --> 0:25:59.200
<v Speaker 2>makes my face more open, It makes my job more relaxed,

0:25:59.200 --> 0:26:01.920
<v Speaker 2>it makes my shoulders more relaxed. So what I'm kind

0:26:01.920 --> 0:26:04.800
<v Speaker 2>of hoping is we're finding that part of you that's

0:26:04.840 --> 0:26:06.040
<v Speaker 2>like ooh resonance.

0:26:06.280 --> 0:26:08.159
<v Speaker 3>Yes, Like that's where presence comes from.

0:26:08.200 --> 0:26:11.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's a great answer. And what's really good about

0:26:11.080 --> 0:26:13.800
<v Speaker 1>it is also that if that person says hey, back,

0:26:14.320 --> 0:26:18.240
<v Speaker 1>you're now not at this crazy level of nervousness and

0:26:18.280 --> 0:26:21.119
<v Speaker 1>anxiety where you can't now you're in shock, and now

0:26:21.160 --> 0:26:23.719
<v Speaker 1>you don't even have to respond. And then that ruins it.

0:26:24.000 --> 0:26:25.840
<v Speaker 1>We were talking about one of my friends who's a

0:26:25.840 --> 0:26:28.200
<v Speaker 1>comedian called Jared Freedi as a podcast called You Up,

0:26:28.680 --> 0:26:31.240
<v Speaker 1>and there was an episode where he was talking about

0:26:31.280 --> 0:26:34.480
<v Speaker 1>sometimes it's hard to spark up a conversation with someone

0:26:34.480 --> 0:26:36.719
<v Speaker 1>at a class, and he was saying, it's good to

0:26:36.760 --> 0:26:40.080
<v Speaker 1>just go out to someone and say something like tough class, right,

0:26:40.160 --> 0:26:42.520
<v Speaker 1>like you know whatever, maybe like something to find some

0:26:42.960 --> 0:26:45.560
<v Speaker 1>mutual ground before you hit it off. And I think

0:26:45.640 --> 0:26:48.240
<v Speaker 1>even that saying that in this tone could help.

0:26:48.320 --> 0:26:50.360
<v Speaker 2>Okay, So I love this tip. So you say hey

0:26:50.920 --> 0:26:54.080
<v Speaker 2>and it's like hey, hey, cool, then you want to

0:26:54.200 --> 0:26:58.640
<v Speaker 2>use it again. I like a blueprint. I need specific groundwork.

0:26:58.880 --> 0:27:01.040
<v Speaker 2>I don't like to guess. So here's your next step

0:27:01.160 --> 0:27:04.320
<v Speaker 2>is a context cueue. So a context cue is when

0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:06.879
<v Speaker 2>you use a conversation charter. That's something that you both share.

0:27:07.520 --> 0:27:09.280
<v Speaker 2>If you don't know someone, you don't know what you share.

0:27:09.320 --> 0:27:10.960
<v Speaker 2>So the one thing you can share is the context

0:27:10.960 --> 0:27:11.320
<v Speaker 2>you're in.

0:27:11.680 --> 0:27:11.840
<v Speaker 1>Right.

0:27:11.880 --> 0:27:13.600
<v Speaker 2>So that could be how do you know the host?

0:27:14.000 --> 0:27:16.159
<v Speaker 2>If you're at a party? Right, it could be how

0:27:16.200 --> 0:27:18.400
<v Speaker 2>do you like the food? How do you like your wine? Oh,

0:27:18.440 --> 0:27:21.240
<v Speaker 2>that coffee looks great? Wow, this is a tough class right,

0:27:21.320 --> 0:27:25.160
<v Speaker 2>So it's something in context because actually that's a secret

0:27:25.520 --> 0:27:28.080
<v Speaker 2>me too moment. So this is the next effect. So

0:27:28.160 --> 0:27:32.080
<v Speaker 2>we're fighting and dating signal amplification, bias. More signals are better.

0:27:32.320 --> 0:27:34.760
<v Speaker 2>You are not being obvious, right, you think you're being obvious,

0:27:34.800 --> 0:27:36.360
<v Speaker 2>you're not. It takes twenty nine signals. You can count

0:27:36.359 --> 0:27:38.320
<v Speaker 2>them in your head if you want. Okay, So that's

0:27:38.320 --> 0:27:40.320
<v Speaker 2>the first thing we're fighting. Once we've managed that and

0:27:40.359 --> 0:27:43.080
<v Speaker 2>we're really clear, the second thing we're trying to meet

0:27:43.440 --> 0:27:47.080
<v Speaker 2>is a psychological effect called the similarity attraction effect. What

0:27:47.119 --> 0:27:49.720
<v Speaker 2>this is is that we like people who have similar

0:27:49.920 --> 0:27:54.199
<v Speaker 2>values and motivations as us. What's important about this is

0:27:54.680 --> 0:27:57.080
<v Speaker 2>every time we have a me too moment like oh

0:27:57.119 --> 0:27:59.720
<v Speaker 2>we have what we have that, it builds like a

0:27:59.720 --> 0:28:02.280
<v Speaker 2>little string between us. Like I literally envision when I'm

0:28:02.280 --> 0:28:04.359
<v Speaker 2>in conversation, like we're handing each other threads.

0:28:04.480 --> 0:28:05.840
<v Speaker 3>I call it thread theory, Like we're.

0:28:05.680 --> 0:28:07.600
<v Speaker 2>Handing each other threads, and the more threads that are

0:28:07.640 --> 0:28:10.240
<v Speaker 2>back and forth, the more connected we are. Like that

0:28:10.240 --> 0:28:12.440
<v Speaker 2>that's the visual I use. So what is the very

0:28:12.480 --> 0:28:14.760
<v Speaker 2>first question I said to you when I met you outside?

0:28:14.800 --> 0:28:17.240
<v Speaker 2>Was you know, I think we have some friends in common?

0:28:17.880 --> 0:28:20.280
<v Speaker 2>Because I knew that that was a thread that we

0:28:20.320 --> 0:28:22.800
<v Speaker 2>could be like, yes, we both love those people, and

0:28:22.840 --> 0:28:25.320
<v Speaker 2>that made it just really easy. I didn't say like,

0:28:26.240 --> 0:28:30.320
<v Speaker 2>how's the weather. I didn't do that, right, So, whatever

0:28:30.400 --> 0:28:32.879
<v Speaker 2>you can do to create as many me too moments

0:28:32.920 --> 0:28:35.400
<v Speaker 2>as possible. That could be raving about a mutual friend,

0:28:35.600 --> 0:28:37.760
<v Speaker 2>that could be raving about how great this class is.

0:28:37.920 --> 0:28:39.880
<v Speaker 2>That could be oh, the wine is so delicious or

0:28:39.880 --> 0:28:42.600
<v Speaker 2>the wine is terrible, right like the other one. So

0:28:42.840 --> 0:28:45.440
<v Speaker 2>all your entire goal in this part of the conversation

0:28:45.600 --> 0:28:49.400
<v Speaker 2>is me too moments, and your question should be geared

0:28:49.400 --> 0:28:52.960
<v Speaker 2>towards that, because here's where awkwardness happens. You're in a

0:28:53.000 --> 0:28:57.719
<v Speaker 2>conversation and you have no goal. You're like kind of

0:28:57.760 --> 0:29:01.959
<v Speaker 2>like what do you do? Where are you from? You know,

0:29:02.080 --> 0:29:05.080
<v Speaker 2>and it's like these socially scripted dead end conversation starters.

0:29:05.320 --> 0:29:08.000
<v Speaker 2>So instead I want your goal to be I want

0:29:08.040 --> 0:29:10.680
<v Speaker 2>to them to say me too, or I want to

0:29:10.680 --> 0:29:14.240
<v Speaker 2>say too. That's it, and it's very low pressure because

0:29:14.280 --> 0:29:16.600
<v Speaker 2>all you're doing and then your questions have intention, right,

0:29:16.640 --> 0:29:19.120
<v Speaker 2>Like if everything is on purpose, if everything is intention,

0:29:19.600 --> 0:29:22.800
<v Speaker 2>then our questions are searching for similarities. And this is

0:29:22.840 --> 0:29:25.240
<v Speaker 2>the last step, and this is for dating, for friendship,

0:29:25.440 --> 0:29:27.880
<v Speaker 2>even a little bit for work relationships as well. The

0:29:28.000 --> 0:29:33.360
<v Speaker 2>last step is can you find authentic reasons to like them?

0:29:33.600 --> 0:29:37.000
<v Speaker 2>And I mean aggressively like them. I think that awkwardness

0:29:37.040 --> 0:29:38.760
<v Speaker 2>the reason I was so awkward for so long, as

0:29:38.800 --> 0:29:41.520
<v Speaker 2>I was asking the wrong questions and I didn't know

0:29:41.520 --> 0:29:44.880
<v Speaker 2>what to listen for. The last the study completely changed

0:29:44.880 --> 0:29:47.120
<v Speaker 2>my life, changed the way I interact. I was never

0:29:47.160 --> 0:29:50.880
<v Speaker 2>a cool kid. I was never popular, and I believe it.

0:29:51.960 --> 0:29:53.400
<v Speaker 3>That's true. It's true.

0:29:53.480 --> 0:29:54.880
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I was like a triple major in

0:29:54.920 --> 0:29:56.520
<v Speaker 2>college because I was just like, what can I do

0:29:56.600 --> 0:29:59.440
<v Speaker 2>to distruct myself? Like I ran for student council because

0:29:59.440 --> 0:30:04.640
<v Speaker 2>it was the only position that was unopposed anyway, Yeah, it.

0:30:04.600 --> 0:30:05.160
<v Speaker 3>Was really cool.

0:30:05.640 --> 0:30:08.440
<v Speaker 2>So I found this study that looked at the cool

0:30:08.520 --> 0:30:12.000
<v Speaker 2>kids in high school and they examined thousands of kids

0:30:12.040 --> 0:30:14.360
<v Speaker 2>across a variety of high schools, across variety of grades,

0:30:14.400 --> 0:30:17.600
<v Speaker 2>looking for patterns why are some kids more popular than others?

0:30:17.920 --> 0:30:19.640
<v Speaker 3>And the hypothesis was maybe.

0:30:19.480 --> 0:30:22.360
<v Speaker 2>They're more athletic, maybe they're smarter, maybe they're more attractive,

0:30:22.360 --> 0:30:24.120
<v Speaker 2>maybe they're more extroverted, maybe they were funnier.

0:30:24.200 --> 0:30:25.280
<v Speaker 3>Right, those were all the things.

0:30:25.160 --> 0:30:28.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I would think of right, there were popular kids

0:30:28.440 --> 0:30:31.520
<v Speaker 2>who were those things. But the only commonality across all

0:30:31.520 --> 0:30:33.680
<v Speaker 2>the grades and all the schools was that the most

0:30:34.200 --> 0:30:38.080
<v Speaker 2>liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked.

0:30:39.840 --> 0:30:42.520
<v Speaker 2>The most liked kids had the longest list of people

0:30:42.520 --> 0:30:46.160
<v Speaker 2>that they liked, meaning they weren't going around all day

0:30:46.200 --> 0:30:47.920
<v Speaker 2>trying to be funny, trying to be cool. They were

0:30:47.920 --> 0:30:50.960
<v Speaker 2>going around trying to like as many people as possible.

0:30:51.160 --> 0:30:52.560
<v Speaker 1>No way. One of the.

0:30:52.600 --> 0:30:54.720
<v Speaker 2>Variables was to everyone had to make a list of

0:30:54.800 --> 0:30:56.720
<v Speaker 2>kids they liked, and the most popular kids had the

0:30:56.760 --> 0:31:00.760
<v Speaker 2>longest lists, meaning they were constantly thinking I like that

0:31:00.840 --> 0:31:02.200
<v Speaker 2>about you, I like that about you.

0:31:02.920 --> 0:31:04.640
<v Speaker 3>This was like relief for.

0:31:04.680 --> 0:31:06.800
<v Speaker 2>Me because it meant I don't have to show up

0:31:06.840 --> 0:31:09.480
<v Speaker 2>as impressive or funny or extroverted or be good at sports,

0:31:09.560 --> 0:31:12.520
<v Speaker 2>cause I'm not. All I have to do is aggressively

0:31:12.880 --> 0:31:15.960
<v Speaker 2>like people. So if you want to be attractive, if

0:31:15.960 --> 0:31:19.600
<v Speaker 2>you want to create bonds friend wise romantic wise, what

0:31:19.680 --> 0:31:21.680
<v Speaker 2>I want you to be doing is you're asking these questions,

0:31:21.680 --> 0:31:24.640
<v Speaker 2>looking for me toos, and then you're thinking, how can

0:31:24.680 --> 0:31:28.200
<v Speaker 2>I like this person? More like, what could I ask?

0:31:28.440 --> 0:31:30.600
<v Speaker 2>What could I find out that I can authentically be

0:31:30.680 --> 0:31:34.840
<v Speaker 2>like I like you and then saying it like I

0:31:34.880 --> 0:31:37.640
<v Speaker 2>cannot tell you my best friendships have started when I

0:31:37.680 --> 0:31:38.360
<v Speaker 2>don't play it cool.

0:31:38.400 --> 0:31:40.520
<v Speaker 3>I do not believe in playing it cool. That doesn't work.

0:31:41.080 --> 0:31:43.040
<v Speaker 3>I literally am like, I like you, will you be

0:31:43.120 --> 0:31:43.560
<v Speaker 3>my friend?

0:31:43.960 --> 0:31:44.120
<v Speaker 1>Yea?

0:31:44.520 --> 0:31:46.280
<v Speaker 2>And like I have a six and a half year

0:31:46.280 --> 0:31:47.440
<v Speaker 2>old and a two and a half year old daughter,

0:31:48.000 --> 0:31:50.640
<v Speaker 2>and I watched them on the playground and it's funny.

0:31:50.800 --> 0:31:52.040
<v Speaker 3>They're they're like this.

0:31:52.480 --> 0:31:54.880
<v Speaker 2>They literally will sit in the sandbox. My daughter was like,

0:31:55.120 --> 0:31:57.520
<v Speaker 2>do you like trucks? And the boy was like I

0:31:57.600 --> 0:32:00.680
<v Speaker 2>like trucks and she was like I like tr I

0:32:00.720 --> 0:32:02.600
<v Speaker 2>was like me too. Moment, good job, Claire. And then

0:32:02.640 --> 0:32:04.960
<v Speaker 2>she was like you want to be my friend? And

0:32:05.000 --> 0:32:07.840
<v Speaker 2>he was like yeah, that's it. They're friends.

0:32:08.600 --> 0:32:11.080
<v Speaker 3>I was like, this is it. We actually knew how

0:32:11.080 --> 0:32:13.360
<v Speaker 3>to do this as kids. It's what we used to

0:32:13.400 --> 0:32:15.800
<v Speaker 3>do and we've kind of, you know, over too cool

0:32:15.880 --> 0:32:16.160
<v Speaker 3>for it.

0:32:16.440 --> 0:32:18.360
<v Speaker 1>I like that you did that and said that because

0:32:18.360 --> 0:32:21.240
<v Speaker 1>I do the same thing. So no, literally it's exactly

0:32:21.320 --> 0:32:25.000
<v Speaker 1>the same. Yeah, I know, but like you, that never happened,

0:32:25.000 --> 0:32:27.720
<v Speaker 1>and I love that because to me, it's I have

0:32:27.840 --> 0:32:30.240
<v Speaker 1>so many friends in La that when I met them

0:32:30.440 --> 0:32:33.320
<v Speaker 1>first time, I said, I think we'd be great friends

0:32:33.600 --> 0:32:35.640
<v Speaker 1>and i'd love I'd love to see if that's true.

0:32:35.640 --> 0:32:38.720
<v Speaker 1>And like now seven years later, whenever we're out and everyone,

0:32:39.080 --> 0:32:40.880
<v Speaker 1>how did you to me? And then my friends will

0:32:40.880 --> 0:32:42.600
<v Speaker 1>always try and be poliable like oh yeah, we just

0:32:42.680 --> 0:32:44.360
<v Speaker 1>met through and I'm like, no, no, no, let me

0:32:44.400 --> 0:32:47.280
<v Speaker 1>tell the story. I said that I liked you and

0:32:47.360 --> 0:32:50.440
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to be your friend, and I love living

0:32:50.480 --> 0:32:52.600
<v Speaker 1>that way because I think it makes life so clear,

0:32:52.640 --> 0:32:56.040
<v Speaker 1>It makes life so easy. Everyone knows where everyone's intentions are.

0:32:56.360 --> 0:32:58.960
<v Speaker 1>And if someone is too cool for me or doesn't

0:32:59.080 --> 0:33:00.320
<v Speaker 1>like that at least I know.

0:33:00.560 --> 0:33:03.360
<v Speaker 2>Also like I'm I'm allergic to it. Yeah, like I

0:33:03.400 --> 0:33:05.640
<v Speaker 2>don't do well with two cool people. Like if you

0:33:05.720 --> 0:33:09.120
<v Speaker 2>can't even show me your liking or you're kind of

0:33:09.120 --> 0:33:10.560
<v Speaker 2>wanting to put a wall up, we're not going to

0:33:10.640 --> 0:33:13.760
<v Speaker 2>be good friends. Because I love level three conversations, I

0:33:13.840 --> 0:33:17.520
<v Speaker 2>like vulnerability, I like oversharing, So that's like a test.

0:33:17.560 --> 0:33:19.480
<v Speaker 3>Also is like I think we would be good friends.

0:33:19.520 --> 0:33:22.280
<v Speaker 2>I like you, and if they're like h, I'm like cool,

0:33:22.600 --> 0:33:25.440
<v Speaker 2>Like that's cool, Like I would rather take the shot

0:33:25.520 --> 0:33:28.440
<v Speaker 2>than miss it. Yeah, and so I think, like, if

0:33:28.440 --> 0:33:30.720
<v Speaker 2>you're listening, I think it's like, let's if you like

0:33:30.760 --> 0:33:33.680
<v Speaker 2>someone like show it, search for those me two moments,

0:33:33.680 --> 0:33:35.520
<v Speaker 2>and then if you like them, well, first of all,

0:33:35.520 --> 0:33:36.520
<v Speaker 2>search for reasons to like them.

0:33:36.520 --> 0:33:37.479
<v Speaker 3>Then if you like them, say it.

0:33:38.080 --> 0:33:40.760
<v Speaker 2>That right there is like the best way to try

0:33:40.800 --> 0:33:42.080
<v Speaker 2>to find your people.

0:33:42.880 --> 0:33:43.720
<v Speaker 3>That's going to find them.

0:33:44.000 --> 0:33:46.200
<v Speaker 1>The me too goal is of real switch because I

0:33:46.240 --> 0:33:48.960
<v Speaker 1>think a lot of us when you approach someone, if

0:33:48.960 --> 0:33:51.680
<v Speaker 1>you don't ask about the weather, you usually try and

0:33:51.720 --> 0:33:55.720
<v Speaker 1>compliment someone, and that doesn't work. Vanessa, tell me why

0:33:55.840 --> 0:33:57.160
<v Speaker 1>compliments don't work.

0:33:57.360 --> 0:33:59.200
<v Speaker 2>We all want to be complimented, but it makes us

0:33:59.200 --> 0:34:02.440
<v Speaker 2>feel very uncomfortab right, Like there's this weird compliment economics

0:34:02.480 --> 0:34:04.320
<v Speaker 2>where it's like, please compliment me, but don't.

0:34:04.800 --> 0:34:08.239
<v Speaker 3>It's weird, right, And it also it creates.

0:34:07.920 --> 0:34:12.280
<v Speaker 2>An odd hierarchy a little bit where if you're complimenting someone,

0:34:12.560 --> 0:34:15.440
<v Speaker 2>it separates you and also you're putting them in the

0:34:15.480 --> 0:34:17.719
<v Speaker 2>position of receiving something they might not be ready for.

0:34:18.440 --> 0:34:21.480
<v Speaker 2>Especially I believe in if you're going to compliment someone,

0:34:21.680 --> 0:34:23.800
<v Speaker 2>compliment them on them on something that you share.

0:34:24.120 --> 0:34:25.880
<v Speaker 3>Yes, right, so be like, oh my gosh, I have

0:34:25.880 --> 0:34:28.640
<v Speaker 3>those shoes I love them too, right, are we twinsies?

0:34:28.719 --> 0:34:30.880
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I guess men usually say twinsies, but like like,

0:34:31.080 --> 0:34:35.680
<v Speaker 2>well try please try it twins ees. Just like see

0:34:35.680 --> 0:34:39.319
<v Speaker 2>how your male friends respond and be like yes. So

0:34:39.440 --> 0:34:41.520
<v Speaker 2>I think that if you're going to compliment comment on

0:34:41.560 --> 0:34:44.920
<v Speaker 2>a shared similarity, then you can kind of celebrate together.

0:34:45.480 --> 0:34:48.799
<v Speaker 2>If you're complimenting someone one way, you're actually putting them

0:34:49.000 --> 0:34:50.960
<v Speaker 2>farther away from you, not closer to you.

0:34:51.320 --> 0:34:54.600
<v Speaker 1>That distance in hierarchy makes so much sense, especially when

0:34:54.640 --> 0:34:56.960
<v Speaker 1>someone's new. It's different if you know someone. But if

0:34:57.000 --> 0:34:58.400
<v Speaker 1>you randomly go up to on someone and go, oh,

0:34:58.400 --> 0:35:00.440
<v Speaker 1>I really like the color of that dress, what are

0:35:00.440 --> 0:35:03.120
<v Speaker 1>they going to say and like thanks exactly?

0:35:03.239 --> 0:35:06.200
<v Speaker 2>And now it's like, oh, actually, worse, worse if you

0:35:06.239 --> 0:35:08.319
<v Speaker 2>were to say, oh, Vanessa, I like the color your dress.

0:35:08.800 --> 0:35:12.480
<v Speaker 3>By the way, I'd be like, I like your color too.

0:35:13.000 --> 0:35:13.520
<v Speaker 1>It's black.

0:35:15.160 --> 0:35:18.080
<v Speaker 2>That's what happens is like you compliment someone on something

0:35:18.120 --> 0:35:19.200
<v Speaker 2>and they're uncomfortable.

0:35:19.440 --> 0:35:20.839
<v Speaker 3>So what I do is I'm like, I'm going.

0:35:20.800 --> 0:35:22.400
<v Speaker 2>To comment you back, and I feel so an authentic

0:35:23.239 --> 0:35:25.120
<v Speaker 2>right because then I'm like I don't know what to say.

0:35:25.320 --> 0:35:26.920
<v Speaker 2>And by the way, if you're going to compliment someone

0:35:27.080 --> 0:35:30.400
<v Speaker 2>don't compliment the tall guy I'm being tall, Like, don't

0:35:30.400 --> 0:35:33.399
<v Speaker 2>compliment someone on the trade that they didn't even work on. Yes,

0:35:33.680 --> 0:35:35.480
<v Speaker 2>like compmiment them on something they worked hard on.

0:35:35.719 --> 0:35:38.560
<v Speaker 1>Yes, I get about my eyes all the time. That's

0:35:38.600 --> 0:35:40.520
<v Speaker 1>that's the compliment. And I always say I didn't end them,

0:35:40.560 --> 0:35:43.239
<v Speaker 1>So that's like that's my response because I'm like, I

0:35:43.239 --> 0:35:45.560
<v Speaker 1>didn't do anything, like thanks to my parents.

0:35:45.640 --> 0:35:47.360
<v Speaker 3>Like also like what do you do? Then you're like,

0:35:47.400 --> 0:35:48.440
<v Speaker 3>I'm like your eyes.

0:35:48.200 --> 0:35:55.359
<v Speaker 2>Too, and the persons like they're black exactly, And then

0:35:55.360 --> 0:35:55.840
<v Speaker 2>you're stuck.

0:35:56.000 --> 0:35:58.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you're stuck. And that's what I like about your goal.

0:35:58.680 --> 0:36:01.080
<v Speaker 1>I really really liked that advice, and I hope everyone

0:36:01.160 --> 0:36:03.600
<v Speaker 1>uses it. We're trying to get a me too, and

0:36:03.640 --> 0:36:05.960
<v Speaker 1>you have to have a goal to every conversation. The

0:36:06.040 --> 0:36:09.080
<v Speaker 1>gold cannot be. Let me get to the next question,

0:36:09.560 --> 0:36:11.400
<v Speaker 1>which is usually where we get stuck, which is like

0:36:11.560 --> 0:36:15.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm just going to live in this like jumping relationship

0:36:15.680 --> 0:36:18.319
<v Speaker 1>between vices. Yeah yeah, yeah it's and it's like, yeah,

0:36:18.320 --> 0:36:20.320
<v Speaker 1>where did you grow up, what do you do for work?

0:36:20.840 --> 0:36:21.920
<v Speaker 1>Do you have any siblings?

0:36:21.960 --> 0:36:24.839
<v Speaker 2>Like all these questions that just okay, so let's let's

0:36:24.920 --> 0:36:27.040
<v Speaker 2>let's play this out let's go even deeper. So let's

0:36:27.080 --> 0:36:29.480
<v Speaker 2>say that someone's doing that to you. Okay, So there's

0:36:29.480 --> 0:36:32.839
<v Speaker 2>two sides of a conversation. All my students are high achievers,

0:36:33.040 --> 0:36:35.960
<v Speaker 2>very smart, a little awkward. Sometimes those are my people.

0:36:36.239 --> 0:36:38.120
<v Speaker 2>So what happens is they work on their people skills.

0:36:38.120 --> 0:36:39.839
<v Speaker 2>They're like yeah, VanNess, like, I got it, I got

0:36:39.960 --> 0:36:42.520
<v Speaker 2>I got the Contextcuse I got my conversations. I'm available

0:36:42.719 --> 0:36:45.120
<v Speaker 2>whether it's in work or at play. And then they're

0:36:45.160 --> 0:36:47.520
<v Speaker 2>with someone who's doing that to them. Right, You're with

0:36:47.600 --> 0:36:50.400
<v Speaker 2>someone who's like, so, where are you from? You have

0:36:50.440 --> 0:36:52.799
<v Speaker 2>a lot of siblings. Okay, So here's how you break

0:36:52.800 --> 0:36:55.000
<v Speaker 2>that social script. One is I want you to think

0:36:55.040 --> 0:36:57.200
<v Speaker 2>of what are the three questions that you're asked most?

0:36:57.680 --> 0:36:59.680
<v Speaker 2>So I have the same questions I'm asked over and

0:36:59.719 --> 0:37:03.719
<v Speaker 2>over and in social social settings, and it's usually what

0:37:03.760 --> 0:37:06.040
<v Speaker 2>do you do? Where are you from? How did you

0:37:06.080 --> 0:37:07.799
<v Speaker 2>get into that line of work? That's a big one

0:37:07.880 --> 0:37:08.200
<v Speaker 2>I get.

0:37:08.600 --> 0:37:09.000
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:37:09.160 --> 0:37:12.120
<v Speaker 2>So the biggest mistake you can make is you are

0:37:12.440 --> 0:37:15.799
<v Speaker 2>bored by those answers and you show it. Oh, I'm

0:37:15.800 --> 0:37:22.200
<v Speaker 2>from La. It's like right, It's like, yes, yes, I'm

0:37:22.200 --> 0:37:25.520
<v Speaker 2>from La. But it ends the conversation. So I want

0:37:25.520 --> 0:37:27.080
<v Speaker 2>you to think of what's a way that you could

0:37:27.080 --> 0:37:29.800
<v Speaker 2>answer that question that gives a hook or a story

0:37:30.320 --> 0:37:32.960
<v Speaker 2>or it's a funny moment and it is a bridge

0:37:32.960 --> 0:37:36.480
<v Speaker 2>to you asking them something else back. How can you

0:37:36.520 --> 0:37:39.800
<v Speaker 2>answer those questions that's going to slightly shift or transform

0:37:39.800 --> 0:37:43.080
<v Speaker 2>the conversation and makes you more charismatic. So I even think, like,

0:37:43.120 --> 0:37:45.399
<v Speaker 2>if someone would ask you how are you, you can

0:37:45.440 --> 0:37:49.680
<v Speaker 2>answer it, oh, seven out of ten today, right, or

0:37:49.760 --> 0:37:52.560
<v Speaker 2>like better on the inside than the outside, right, like

0:37:52.560 --> 0:37:55.400
<v Speaker 2>whatever it is, like just like break the script. So

0:37:55.520 --> 0:37:59.040
<v Speaker 2>if you break the script with something purposeful and you're like, okay,

0:37:59.400 --> 0:38:01.560
<v Speaker 2>when someone and ask me where I'm from and I

0:38:01.600 --> 0:38:04.879
<v Speaker 2>say LA, I know I don't want to talk about La.

0:38:05.920 --> 0:38:06.759
<v Speaker 3>I moved for a reason.

0:38:06.760 --> 0:38:08.880
<v Speaker 2>I live in Austin texts now, and I want to

0:38:08.880 --> 0:38:10.839
<v Speaker 2>talk about something else. So what I will often say is,

0:38:11.040 --> 0:38:13.200
<v Speaker 2>you know, I'm from LA and about six years ago

0:38:13.320 --> 0:38:15.360
<v Speaker 2>I moved to Austin, Texas, and now I'm a cowgirl

0:38:16.400 --> 0:38:17.960
<v Speaker 2>and I wear cowo boots and that's like my thing.

0:38:18.280 --> 0:38:20.160
<v Speaker 2>And then we get into a whole much more interesting

0:38:20.200 --> 0:38:23.279
<v Speaker 2>conversation about cowgirls or Austin whatever they are interested and

0:38:23.280 --> 0:38:24.200
<v Speaker 2>then I'm looking for me too.

0:38:24.520 --> 0:38:26.799
<v Speaker 3>Yes, right, Oh, I've been to Austin. I love oh

0:38:26.920 --> 0:38:28.560
<v Speaker 3>yeah talking about Austin. Do you like tacos?

0:38:28.760 --> 0:38:31.920
<v Speaker 2>I like tacos too, right, so like it weaves and

0:38:31.960 --> 0:38:33.440
<v Speaker 2>so on? Are the three questions you get asked the

0:38:33.440 --> 0:38:35.279
<v Speaker 2>most often? And what are three answers that you can

0:38:35.360 --> 0:38:38.440
<v Speaker 2>use to get you to more me too moments that

0:38:38.560 --> 0:38:40.799
<v Speaker 2>authentically like them? The other thing you can do My

0:38:40.920 --> 0:38:43.800
<v Speaker 2>last when I'm like out, I've been trying and trying

0:38:43.840 --> 0:38:47.319
<v Speaker 2>to steer is I will play verbal games. And I've

0:38:47.360 --> 0:38:49.440
<v Speaker 2>actually never talked about this on a podcast before, but

0:38:49.560 --> 0:38:52.160
<v Speaker 2>we're gonna see how this sounds. But I really do this,

0:38:52.480 --> 0:38:54.879
<v Speaker 2>which is I love guessing games like I love them.

0:38:55.280 --> 0:38:57.319
<v Speaker 2>So if someone's like, how many siblings do you have,

0:38:57.520 --> 0:38:57.879
<v Speaker 2>I'll be.

0:38:57.840 --> 0:39:00.719
<v Speaker 1>Like guess good, And.

0:39:00.719 --> 0:39:03.680
<v Speaker 2>I am so curious what they say, because then first

0:39:03.680 --> 0:39:06.120
<v Speaker 2>of all, people are like what like They're like surprised

0:39:06.120 --> 0:39:08.239
<v Speaker 2>that I have I'm like, guess what do you think

0:39:08.280 --> 0:39:09.000
<v Speaker 2>I am I'm.

0:39:08.800 --> 0:39:14.239
<v Speaker 1>Going to say because I don't know, I'm going to

0:39:14.360 --> 0:39:25.120
<v Speaker 1>guess that you have one sibling. I was gonna three, no, way, five, four?

0:39:27.239 --> 0:39:27.520
<v Speaker 1>So I have.

0:39:31.480 --> 0:39:33.600
<v Speaker 2>I have an older brother and three younger sisters and

0:39:33.640 --> 0:39:36.719
<v Speaker 2>so you can guess, and so that already makes it

0:39:36.760 --> 0:39:38.799
<v Speaker 2>way more playful, right, It's always fun.

0:39:38.840 --> 0:39:40.440
<v Speaker 3>Like if someone guesses I'm an only, I'm.

0:39:40.239 --> 0:39:41.400
<v Speaker 1>Like, how dare you?

0:39:41.520 --> 0:39:42.200
<v Speaker 3>How dare you?

0:39:42.600 --> 0:39:44.760
<v Speaker 2>But then we talk about only and then I, instead

0:39:44.760 --> 0:39:46.720
<v Speaker 2>of asking them back, I say, can I guess yours?

0:39:47.560 --> 0:39:49.560
<v Speaker 2>And like sometimes I get it right, And by the way,

0:39:49.640 --> 0:39:55.120
<v Speaker 2>that feels really good. Oh gosh, I don't know oldest. No,

0:39:55.200 --> 0:39:56.920
<v Speaker 2>I don't don't answer.

0:39:56.719 --> 0:40:02.200
<v Speaker 3>I just ye, sorry, get real the conversation the youngest, youngest?

0:40:02.920 --> 0:40:04.200
<v Speaker 3>You mean, are you the youngest?

0:40:04.280 --> 0:40:08.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm the oldest. I have one youngest.

0:40:09.560 --> 0:40:11.759
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so I so it's just like fun to play

0:40:11.760 --> 0:40:14.320
<v Speaker 2>the game and then it's kind of like guess and

0:40:14.360 --> 0:40:16.200
<v Speaker 2>then I can be like, oh I didn't I didn't

0:40:16.200 --> 0:40:18.480
<v Speaker 2>peg you. I was thinking oldest or youngest, So you

0:40:18.480 --> 0:40:20.160
<v Speaker 2>can kind of have the back and forth. It totally

0:40:20.200 --> 0:40:23.040
<v Speaker 2>changes the dynamics of the conversation. And so that's my

0:40:23.120 --> 0:40:25.480
<v Speaker 2>last resort is you can play game with I love that.

0:40:25.640 --> 0:40:29.920
<v Speaker 2>I also love like if I got this actually from Twitter,

0:40:29.960 --> 0:40:32.960
<v Speaker 2>and it totally works. If it says someone says they're

0:40:32.960 --> 0:40:34.560
<v Speaker 2>from something, so where are you from?

0:40:34.719 --> 0:40:35.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm from London?

0:40:35.520 --> 0:40:37.720
<v Speaker 3>The windy City. But I always say the windy city.

0:40:37.880 --> 0:40:42.279
<v Speaker 3>It's I don't even know.

0:40:42.320 --> 0:40:46.200
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, but you just like you can make

0:40:46.239 --> 0:40:48.239
<v Speaker 2>like funny responses back and then people and you have

0:40:48.280 --> 0:40:50.839
<v Speaker 2>a bandit. It just broke the script, right, Like being

0:40:50.880 --> 0:40:53.319
<v Speaker 2>a little playful and conversation also can create me to

0:40:53.440 --> 0:40:56.399
<v Speaker 2>moments because you'll find your person. Yes, right, Like I

0:40:56.440 --> 0:40:58.920
<v Speaker 2>try to be funny occasionally, and if you laugh at

0:40:58.960 --> 0:41:01.200
<v Speaker 2>my jokes, we're going to be If you don't laugh

0:41:01.200 --> 0:41:03.399
<v Speaker 2>at my jokes, it's not going to go well.

0:41:03.680 --> 0:41:05.520
<v Speaker 1>But what I love about that is we often put

0:41:05.520 --> 0:41:08.720
<v Speaker 1>so much pressure on people to be interesting and pressure

0:41:08.760 --> 0:41:11.560
<v Speaker 1>on ourselves to be interesting, and we think it's about

0:41:11.600 --> 0:41:15.480
<v Speaker 1>having this unique conversation start, or this amazing point of

0:41:15.560 --> 0:41:19.040
<v Speaker 1>view or this debate that you know. I feel like

0:41:19.040 --> 0:41:20.720
<v Speaker 1>we put so much pressure, like we've got to start

0:41:20.800 --> 0:41:23.560
<v Speaker 1>giving a ted talk to the person sitting next to us,

0:41:23.600 --> 0:41:27.239
<v Speaker 1>and actually that disengages them. I love the guessing game.

0:41:27.600 --> 0:41:29.600
<v Speaker 1>I think it applies to any of those three questions

0:41:29.600 --> 0:41:31.719
<v Speaker 1>you just share, where do you come from, where do

0:41:31.760 --> 0:41:33.920
<v Speaker 1>you live? Now? All of that, and it makes it

0:41:34.080 --> 0:41:36.160
<v Speaker 1>so much more fun and you get a sense of

0:41:36.239 --> 0:41:39.680
<v Speaker 1>what someone's personality is and I like the interactivity. It's

0:41:39.680 --> 0:41:41.920
<v Speaker 1>almost like, I'm sure you feel this way when you're

0:41:41.960 --> 0:41:44.400
<v Speaker 1>on stage a lot and you're talking to an audience.

0:41:44.800 --> 0:41:47.080
<v Speaker 1>My least favorite thing is someone saying, give a sixty

0:41:47.120 --> 0:41:50.600
<v Speaker 1>minute keynote and don't engage the audience in the conversation,

0:41:51.200 --> 0:41:52.920
<v Speaker 1>because all of a sudden, it's one way. And I

0:41:52.960 --> 0:41:56.080
<v Speaker 1>think that's what we think interesting conversations sound like, where

0:41:56.080 --> 0:41:59.680
<v Speaker 1>we can just talk about our lives and come across interesting.

0:42:00.400 --> 0:42:02.520
<v Speaker 2>I also think it's so much pressure to be interesting

0:42:02.560 --> 0:42:06.160
<v Speaker 2>because what is interesting is different for different people, and

0:42:06.200 --> 0:42:08.600
<v Speaker 2>so if you're trying to be interesting, it's worse than

0:42:08.600 --> 0:42:11.120
<v Speaker 2>fake it to you make it. It's what do I

0:42:11.160 --> 0:42:14.120
<v Speaker 2>have to do to perform for you? And I don't

0:42:14.120 --> 0:42:18.680
<v Speaker 2>think interactions should be a performance. They should be intentional

0:42:19.200 --> 0:42:23.840
<v Speaker 2>and you're building towards something, which is do I belong?

0:42:24.400 --> 0:42:25.879
<v Speaker 3>Do I feel accepted by you?

0:42:26.400 --> 0:42:28.560
<v Speaker 2>And this is like a question that I want everyone

0:42:28.640 --> 0:42:30.439
<v Speaker 2>to ask themselves, especially when you think about those first

0:42:30.440 --> 0:42:34.720
<v Speaker 2>impression words. Sometimes people who trigger you badly it's because

0:42:34.719 --> 0:42:37.440
<v Speaker 2>you don't feel safe. I don't mean necessarily physically safe,

0:42:37.480 --> 0:42:40.719
<v Speaker 2>I mean emotionally safe, where there's topics that you're a

0:42:40.760 --> 0:42:43.680
<v Speaker 2>little scared to bring up, or there's things you walk

0:42:43.719 --> 0:42:45.840
<v Speaker 2>on eggshells because you just don't know how that's going

0:42:45.920 --> 0:42:48.520
<v Speaker 2>to go. And so the other tests you have as

0:42:48.560 --> 0:42:50.439
<v Speaker 2>you're doing this back and forth you're getting to know them,

0:42:50.760 --> 0:42:53.280
<v Speaker 2>is do I feel safe to share my real answer?

0:42:54.200 --> 0:42:57.279
<v Speaker 2>Do I feel safe to answer something that's not on

0:42:57.320 --> 0:43:00.320
<v Speaker 2>script that's like not what everyone else would in answer?

0:43:00.560 --> 0:43:03.759
<v Speaker 3>Do I feel safe to not be interesting? Right?

0:43:03.880 --> 0:43:06.320
<v Speaker 2>Like, if we have this pressure interesting, it's a performance.

0:43:06.320 --> 0:43:08.000
<v Speaker 2>If you're like, I'm just going to answer and like

0:43:08.040 --> 0:43:10.879
<v Speaker 2>this may or may not like click with you, then

0:43:10.920 --> 0:43:12.960
<v Speaker 2>that's the ultimate belonging.

0:43:13.320 --> 0:43:16.040
<v Speaker 1>I think, yeah, yeah, what if what if you're in

0:43:16.080 --> 0:43:19.160
<v Speaker 1>one of these conversations and you want it to end?

0:43:19.280 --> 0:43:22.400
<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, well, like you just like I want this

0:43:22.480 --> 0:43:25.279
<v Speaker 1>to end. I've been looking around. I'm trying to just

0:43:25.800 --> 0:43:29.200
<v Speaker 1>edge towards the door, like side stack. I'm trying to

0:43:29.200 --> 0:43:31.440
<v Speaker 1>figure it out. But like, this guy's hitting on me,

0:43:31.520 --> 0:43:35.320
<v Speaker 1>this girl's talking to me, this person's just wasting my time.

0:43:35.440 --> 0:43:36.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm in this bar, I'm in this gym.

0:43:37.160 --> 0:43:39.799
<v Speaker 2>What I do this is called the art of a

0:43:39.840 --> 0:43:43.080
<v Speaker 2>graceful exit, and it is a skill. You have to

0:43:43.160 --> 0:43:44.839
<v Speaker 2>learn it because there's going to be times when you're

0:43:44.880 --> 0:43:46.880
<v Speaker 2>just not with your person and that's okay, okay, So

0:43:46.920 --> 0:43:49.359
<v Speaker 2>here's what you do. It's three steps, okay. Set number

0:43:49.360 --> 0:43:52.960
<v Speaker 2>one is you begin to nonverbally signal that you want out. Okay,

0:43:53.120 --> 0:43:55.560
<v Speaker 2>so we're we kind of subconsciously pick up on these cues.

0:43:55.800 --> 0:43:58.240
<v Speaker 2>So first is you want to point your toes towards

0:43:58.239 --> 0:44:01.040
<v Speaker 2>the door. When we're aligned with someone, we typically angle

0:44:01.040 --> 0:44:03.560
<v Speaker 2>our toes towards the person. When we're not into someone,

0:44:03.640 --> 0:44:06.680
<v Speaker 2>we typically angle our body and our toes outwards. Funny

0:44:06.719 --> 0:44:09.960
<v Speaker 2>anecdote here is we also tend to angle our toes

0:44:10.160 --> 0:44:12.400
<v Speaker 2>towards the person we have a crush on, or the

0:44:12.440 --> 0:44:14.400
<v Speaker 2>most interesting person in the room. So whenever I'm like

0:44:14.520 --> 0:44:17.280
<v Speaker 2>at office parties, I can almost always decide the office

0:44:17.320 --> 0:44:20.680
<v Speaker 2>crushes because people will subconsciously, even if they're in conversation,

0:44:20.719 --> 0:44:22.480
<v Speaker 2>they'll be pouring towards the person they like the most.

0:44:22.680 --> 0:44:24.839
<v Speaker 2>So when you move your toes towards the door, it's

0:44:24.880 --> 0:44:27.720
<v Speaker 2>just it subtly indicates that your body is angled outwards.

0:44:27.960 --> 0:44:29.680
<v Speaker 2>And then I also want you to make less eye

0:44:29.680 --> 0:44:32.320
<v Speaker 2>contact right, so that could be an overhead gaze. I

0:44:32.320 --> 0:44:34.359
<v Speaker 2>would never normally do this in a good conversation, but

0:44:34.560 --> 0:44:37.040
<v Speaker 2>you want to subtly signal to someone I need to

0:44:37.080 --> 0:44:38.960
<v Speaker 2>break right, I need to break off. So then you're

0:44:39.000 --> 0:44:41.040
<v Speaker 2>overhead gazing. You're going to glance at the door or

0:44:41.040 --> 0:44:44.239
<v Speaker 2>the bathroom. That is also another very small signal, Uh,

0:44:44.440 --> 0:44:45.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm disengaged.

0:44:45.120 --> 0:44:45.319
<v Speaker 3>Okay.

0:44:45.320 --> 0:44:47.759
<v Speaker 2>So that's one is non verbally signal. Second is you're

0:44:47.760 --> 0:44:49.960
<v Speaker 2>going to use verbal cues. The thing that I want

0:44:49.960 --> 0:44:53.120
<v Speaker 2>you to do is ask for future plans. When someone

0:44:53.239 --> 0:44:55.680
<v Speaker 2>is in a conversation, they're very present. When I would

0:44:55.719 --> 0:44:57.040
<v Speaker 2>like to go, I'll be like.

0:44:57.160 --> 0:45:00.120
<v Speaker 3>What's your plan tomorrow? Yes, got me a big plan

0:45:00.280 --> 0:45:00.880
<v Speaker 3>for the weekend.

0:45:01.239 --> 0:45:03.200
<v Speaker 2>Because wait, this is step in them three. They're gonna

0:45:03.200 --> 0:45:04.759
<v Speaker 2>then answer, you know, what is their plan tomorrow?

0:45:04.800 --> 0:45:05.479
<v Speaker 3>What is not for the weekend.

0:45:05.520 --> 0:45:09.160
<v Speaker 2>They'll be like, well, have so much fun tomorrow or

0:45:09.200 --> 0:45:11.560
<v Speaker 2>this weekend. It was so great talking to you, and

0:45:11.600 --> 0:45:12.319
<v Speaker 2>I'll see you later.

0:45:13.920 --> 0:45:14.440
<v Speaker 3>Three steps.

0:45:14.719 --> 0:45:17.040
<v Speaker 2>The final step is just wish them well on those

0:45:17.040 --> 0:45:20.320
<v Speaker 2>future plans, thank them for the conversation, give a handshake

0:45:20.400 --> 0:45:22.279
<v Speaker 2>or a high five, and then say I'll see you later.

0:45:22.440 --> 0:45:24.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's great because you can't always just be like, oh,

0:45:24.440 --> 0:45:26.279
<v Speaker 1>I'm just gonna go get dessert, because you might not

0:45:26.320 --> 0:45:28.120
<v Speaker 1>be you coming.

0:45:28.280 --> 0:45:28.879
<v Speaker 3>I'll come with you.

0:45:29.480 --> 0:45:33.880
<v Speaker 1>I'll come with you. The nightmare reaction. Yeah, why did

0:45:33.880 --> 0:45:35.480
<v Speaker 1>I say that? Oh you're not leaving the part yet.

0:45:35.520 --> 0:45:37.319
<v Speaker 1>You just want to talk to someone else.

0:45:37.440 --> 0:45:40.120
<v Speaker 2>And look, I'm radically honest. There are times at parties,

0:45:40.160 --> 0:45:42.080
<v Speaker 2>well I will say to someone, you know, it's been

0:45:42.120 --> 0:45:43.880
<v Speaker 2>so great speaking to you. I kind of want to

0:45:43.920 --> 0:45:45.279
<v Speaker 2>make the rounds or some really cool people here.

0:45:45.280 --> 0:45:45.960
<v Speaker 3>Can we chat later?

0:45:46.160 --> 0:45:46.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

0:45:46.760 --> 0:45:48.120
<v Speaker 3>Like that's okay too, right if.

0:45:48.000 --> 0:45:48.840
<v Speaker 1>You pop confident with that.

0:45:49.120 --> 0:45:51.960
<v Speaker 2>But the few the three steps works, it's like very seamless.

0:45:52.320 --> 0:45:55.200
<v Speaker 2>And then there's one other non verbal queue which I'm

0:45:55.200 --> 0:45:59.640
<v Speaker 2>gonna teach you that you sparingly. But nodding makes a

0:45:59.640 --> 0:46:03.240
<v Speaker 2>difference with the amount that people speaks. So research shows

0:46:03.280 --> 0:46:07.440
<v Speaker 2>that a slow triple nod one, two, three makes the

0:46:07.480 --> 0:46:09.720
<v Speaker 2>other person speak sixty seven percent longer.

0:46:10.880 --> 0:46:13.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. So if you're in a conversation and you're going m.

0:46:15.360 --> 0:46:18.400
<v Speaker 2>You're literally telling them non verbally, tell me more, just

0:46:18.480 --> 0:46:21.839
<v Speaker 2>keep on talking. So if you don't, So, if you're

0:46:21.840 --> 0:46:24.080
<v Speaker 2>a good conversation you like what they're saying, please use

0:46:24.120 --> 0:46:24.719
<v Speaker 2>a triple nod.

0:46:24.840 --> 0:46:25.759
<v Speaker 3>It's great, Like you do.

0:46:25.719 --> 0:46:27.479
<v Speaker 2>It a lot of the interviewer I love it because

0:46:27.480 --> 0:46:29.719
<v Speaker 2>then it makes me keep going. But if you're like,

0:46:30.000 --> 0:46:33.760
<v Speaker 2>I don't want this person to keep talking, stop nodding,

0:46:34.640 --> 0:46:37.080
<v Speaker 2>stop nodding, because you're subtly encouraging them, And then you

0:46:37.120 --> 0:46:40.239
<v Speaker 2>could also try a fast triple nod. So a slow

0:46:40.239 --> 0:46:44.879
<v Speaker 2>triple nod shows engagement, a fast triple nod shows I'm done.

0:46:44.920 --> 0:46:51.200
<v Speaker 2>It's like this, So here's a good one versus y, Right,

0:46:51.719 --> 0:46:53.680
<v Speaker 2>just like a subtle way being like got it, got it,

0:46:53.719 --> 0:46:56.319
<v Speaker 2>wrap it up, I got it, I got it. So,

0:46:56.520 --> 0:46:59.440
<v Speaker 2>just like subtle, you don't want to offend anyone sixty

0:46:59.520 --> 0:47:00.960
<v Speaker 2>seven longer.

0:47:01.080 --> 0:47:02.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that makes so much sense. I do in the

0:47:02.640 --> 0:47:06.719
<v Speaker 1>podcast all the time. And I've actually been in podcasts

0:47:06.719 --> 0:47:09.360
<v Speaker 1>where the interviewer, some interview is a trained not to

0:47:09.440 --> 0:47:12.360
<v Speaker 1>nod a tool, and I find it really hard to

0:47:12.400 --> 0:47:15.840
<v Speaker 1>talk to someone like me where I have to talk,

0:47:16.239 --> 0:47:18.240
<v Speaker 1>and yeah, if I speak to someone who's not nodding

0:47:18.280 --> 0:47:20.640
<v Speaker 1>a tool, I find it really challenging.

0:47:20.719 --> 0:47:23.719
<v Speaker 2>It's so this is a really important thing is when

0:47:23.760 --> 0:47:26.520
<v Speaker 2>we're talking about cues, there's a cycle. It goes decode,

0:47:26.600 --> 0:47:30.279
<v Speaker 2>en code, internalize, So your sending me cues that is

0:47:30.280 --> 0:47:33.479
<v Speaker 2>called encoding. So encoding is sending signals to someone else.

0:47:33.880 --> 0:47:37.240
<v Speaker 2>You're sending me signals of warmth. Nodding is a warmth queue.

0:47:37.280 --> 0:47:39.800
<v Speaker 2>Head tilting is a warmth cue, right, So that's warmth.

0:47:39.960 --> 0:47:43.000
<v Speaker 2>So you encode me that signal. I decode it. Ah,

0:47:43.040 --> 0:47:46.160
<v Speaker 2>he likes his answer. I internalize it. Keep talking, And

0:47:46.200 --> 0:47:48.080
<v Speaker 2>so this cycle goes on and on. If someone is

0:47:48.160 --> 0:47:51.799
<v Speaker 2>stoic or mute or they under signal, it kind of

0:47:51.840 --> 0:47:55.920
<v Speaker 2>breaks that cycle and it isolates the other person. I

0:47:55.960 --> 0:47:58.959
<v Speaker 2>work with a lot of leaders, and there they wonder

0:47:59.000 --> 0:48:00.640
<v Speaker 2>why their team doesn't like, oh, put up to them,

0:48:01.080 --> 0:48:03.319
<v Speaker 2>or why they're seen as intimidating or cold, and it's

0:48:03.320 --> 0:48:06.759
<v Speaker 2>because they are under signaling. They're not sending enough warmth

0:48:06.800 --> 0:48:09.360
<v Speaker 2>signals to make other person feel like there's this connection.

0:48:09.960 --> 0:48:13.520
<v Speaker 2>The other way that decoding, encoding, internalizing works is negative cues.

0:48:14.120 --> 0:48:16.840
<v Speaker 2>So muting is one. It stops the cycle. Positive is

0:48:16.880 --> 0:48:18.799
<v Speaker 2>a next where we're like, ah, this is going well.

0:48:19.400 --> 0:48:21.480
<v Speaker 2>Negative is the other one. So there was a research

0:48:21.520 --> 0:48:26.080
<v Speaker 2>study they wanted to know if how negative cues affect

0:48:26.200 --> 0:48:29.319
<v Speaker 2>someone's physiology. So they devise a little experiment where they

0:48:29.320 --> 0:48:31.520
<v Speaker 2>had a participant walk into a room of a bunch

0:48:31.600 --> 0:48:34.200
<v Speaker 2>of other people and they had someone in the room

0:48:34.360 --> 0:48:38.799
<v Speaker 2>a confederate signal a sign of social rejection. So a

0:48:38.800 --> 0:48:43.640
<v Speaker 2>social rejection que is an irol, it's a scoff right,

0:48:43.640 --> 0:48:46.600
<v Speaker 2>it's like a a lip purse. They had them signal

0:48:46.640 --> 0:48:49.120
<v Speaker 2>this towards this unsuspecting participant, and what they found was

0:48:49.520 --> 0:48:52.960
<v Speaker 2>once the participant the moment they spotted the social rejection queue,

0:48:53.200 --> 0:48:57.640
<v Speaker 2>their own field of vision increased, their pupils dilated. What

0:48:57.760 --> 0:48:59.920
<v Speaker 2>happens when when our pupils dilate is we can take

0:49:00.120 --> 0:49:01.880
<v Speaker 2>more of our environment, Like are literally their field of

0:49:01.960 --> 0:49:04.920
<v Speaker 2>vision increased? Why if we see a Q of social rejection,

0:49:05.040 --> 0:49:08.800
<v Speaker 2>our brain is like, oh is anyone else signaling social rejection?

0:49:09.160 --> 0:49:12.000
<v Speaker 2>What did I do wrong? And where's my escape route?

0:49:12.040 --> 0:49:15.040
<v Speaker 2>Meaning that if we spot a negative queue, it changes

0:49:15.200 --> 0:49:18.200
<v Speaker 2>our body. Yes, So if you're in an interview or

0:49:18.239 --> 0:49:20.960
<v Speaker 2>on a date and you're like, I don't I don't

0:49:21.000 --> 0:49:23.960
<v Speaker 2>some I don't feel great about this, listen to that

0:49:24.320 --> 0:49:27.640
<v Speaker 2>because that is your body language reading part of your

0:49:27.719 --> 0:49:30.799
<v Speaker 2>mind that picked up on a negative queue that your

0:49:30.840 --> 0:49:33.000
<v Speaker 2>brain doesn't like. It could have been a subtle Q

0:49:33.200 --> 0:49:35.560
<v Speaker 2>social rejection. It could have been a vocal cue chaine

0:49:35.560 --> 0:49:38.000
<v Speaker 2>that you didn't notice. It could be a negative facial

0:49:38.000 --> 0:49:40.680
<v Speaker 2>expression or gesture. So, for example, in that study they

0:49:40.680 --> 0:49:43.160
<v Speaker 2>were doing social rejection cues, but they even found if

0:49:43.160 --> 0:49:46.279
<v Speaker 2>someone flashes a fear micro expression at you, so they

0:49:46.280 --> 0:49:49.279
<v Speaker 2>widen the whites of their eyes, and like that, we

0:49:49.320 --> 0:49:51.800
<v Speaker 2>catch the fear like our own amygdala begins to fire.

0:49:52.200 --> 0:49:56.640
<v Speaker 2>And so if you feel uneasy with someone, listen to it,

0:49:57.160 --> 0:49:59.719
<v Speaker 2>because it means that your body has picked up on

0:49:59.760 --> 0:50:02.000
<v Speaker 2>some thing that it did not like that was a threat,

0:50:02.600 --> 0:50:05.120
<v Speaker 2>and you should dig deeper into that.

0:50:05.840 --> 0:50:08.879
<v Speaker 1>So let's say you were at the gym, you said hey,

0:50:09.719 --> 0:50:12.719
<v Speaker 1>they said hey, back. You ended up going on a

0:50:12.719 --> 0:50:15.799
<v Speaker 1>couple of dates. Right, You've graduated from the gym to

0:50:16.080 --> 0:50:18.640
<v Speaker 1>a restaurant or a coffee shop or whatever, and now

0:50:18.640 --> 0:50:21.319
<v Speaker 1>you're on a date with that person and you're trying

0:50:21.320 --> 0:50:23.400
<v Speaker 1>to figure out whether they're lying or telling the truth.

0:50:24.160 --> 0:50:26.520
<v Speaker 1>You're trying to figure out whether you feel good around

0:50:26.560 --> 0:50:30.560
<v Speaker 1>them or not, and you don't really figure that out

0:50:30.600 --> 0:50:33.719
<v Speaker 1>until third or fourth day. Anyway, you don't really know enough.

0:50:33.719 --> 0:50:36.520
<v Speaker 1>You're not getting enough cues, going back to your point,

0:50:36.880 --> 0:50:39.719
<v Speaker 1>especially if you're spending time with people in a very

0:50:39.880 --> 0:50:42.480
<v Speaker 1>limited environment. So if you're seeing someone in a coffee shop,

0:50:42.560 --> 0:50:45.160
<v Speaker 1>or a restaurant or going to the movies or whatever

0:50:45.160 --> 0:50:47.080
<v Speaker 1>it may be. You're seeing them for one and a

0:50:47.080 --> 0:50:50.560
<v Speaker 1>half hours, two hours, and it's controlled. You started to

0:50:50.600 --> 0:50:53.359
<v Speaker 1>spend more time with them. What are the negative cues

0:50:53.400 --> 0:50:56.800
<v Speaker 1>we miss because we're infatuated or attracted to someone.

0:50:57.000 --> 0:50:59.480
<v Speaker 2>The research shows that it takes two hundred hours to

0:50:59.520 --> 0:51:03.360
<v Speaker 2>become close friends with someone, so a soulmate or a partner,

0:51:03.400 --> 0:51:05.840
<v Speaker 2>it's even more. That's a lot of hours, and we

0:51:05.920 --> 0:51:08.400
<v Speaker 2>tend to make very big decisions about a relationship in

0:51:08.440 --> 0:51:09.920
<v Speaker 2>the first six hours.

0:51:10.360 --> 0:51:10.920
<v Speaker 3>Not enough.

0:51:11.400 --> 0:51:13.120
<v Speaker 2>And so what you said was really important is first,

0:51:13.160 --> 0:51:16.959
<v Speaker 2>is I want you to get off script. Coffee shops, restaurants,

0:51:17.280 --> 0:51:20.840
<v Speaker 2>those are very controlled environments. They've probably done those dates

0:51:20.880 --> 0:51:23.319
<v Speaker 2>a lot. I want you to get off script. I

0:51:23.360 --> 0:51:27.320
<v Speaker 2>want you to do what I call the car challenge,

0:51:27.719 --> 0:51:29.839
<v Speaker 2>which is I want you to drive somewhere an hour

0:51:29.920 --> 0:51:30.640
<v Speaker 2>away with them.

0:51:31.280 --> 0:51:32.880
<v Speaker 1>Oh wow, it's a lot of trust.

0:51:33.040 --> 0:51:33.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:51:33.640 --> 0:51:35.319
<v Speaker 2>Well, so you've had three or four dates, right, and

0:51:35.320 --> 0:51:37.719
<v Speaker 2>you're like to be say, I feel safe. Right, So,

0:51:37.760 --> 0:51:39.480
<v Speaker 2>but you're like, is this clicking?

0:51:39.560 --> 0:51:40.240
<v Speaker 3>Are we clicking?

0:51:40.640 --> 0:51:42.040
<v Speaker 2>You might just be on script. It might be like

0:51:42.120 --> 0:51:44.200
<v Speaker 2>just it it's two vanilla. It's to the same or

0:51:44.200 --> 0:51:46.319
<v Speaker 2>maybe you are picking up on something. So the road

0:51:46.320 --> 0:51:49.200
<v Speaker 2>trip challenge is when you pick somewhere an hour away

0:51:49.640 --> 0:51:51.839
<v Speaker 2>that's a different activity. It could be hiking, it could

0:51:51.840 --> 0:51:54.120
<v Speaker 2>be pick a ball, could be art class, it could

0:51:54.160 --> 0:51:57.600
<v Speaker 2>be a wine tasting, anything that's not restaurant or coffee shop,

0:51:57.680 --> 0:52:00.239
<v Speaker 2>normal things. You have an hour there about it our

0:52:00.280 --> 0:52:02.880
<v Speaker 2>activity to our activity an hour back. You're going to

0:52:02.960 --> 0:52:05.640
<v Speaker 2>find out in that setting how they drive or how

0:52:05.680 --> 0:52:08.640
<v Speaker 2>they listen to you, how they stop, stop and get gas,

0:52:08.960 --> 0:52:11.160
<v Speaker 2>stop and pick up some snacks. Like we're trying to

0:52:11.280 --> 0:52:13.640
<v Speaker 2>see them in a lot of different environments. How do

0:52:13.680 --> 0:52:16.319
<v Speaker 2>they treat people, how do they treat your space? You

0:52:16.320 --> 0:52:18.520
<v Speaker 2>want to see them off script, that's the very first thing.

0:52:18.640 --> 0:52:20.479
<v Speaker 2>Then you're going to be looking for what I call

0:52:20.960 --> 0:52:25.040
<v Speaker 2>cues of inauthenticity. Cues of inauthenticity is when you're verbal

0:52:25.040 --> 0:52:27.120
<v Speaker 2>does not match your nonverbal And this is what liars do.

0:52:27.200 --> 0:52:28.840
<v Speaker 2>So we do a lot of light detection sides of

0:52:28.880 --> 0:52:31.160
<v Speaker 2>people because I'm fascinated by what are the cues that

0:52:31.239 --> 0:52:33.839
<v Speaker 2>humans do when they're not telling the truth. And all

0:52:33.840 --> 0:52:37.600
<v Speaker 2>of the light detection cues are when there's incongruence, it

0:52:37.680 --> 0:52:39.960
<v Speaker 2>means someone is saying something but they're not showing it.

0:52:40.080 --> 0:52:42.720
<v Speaker 2>So nodding is a good example of this. So we've

0:52:42.800 --> 0:52:44.759
<v Speaker 2>found we have a little game we play with people

0:52:44.760 --> 0:52:46.680
<v Speaker 2>in our lab where we ask them two truths and

0:52:46.719 --> 0:52:49.200
<v Speaker 2>a lie. Share two truths about yourself on one lie.

0:52:49.520 --> 0:52:53.360
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes people will say yes but shake their head no,

0:52:54.280 --> 0:52:57.480
<v Speaker 2>or say no but shake their head yes. That's an incongruence,

0:52:57.560 --> 0:53:00.440
<v Speaker 2>and liars will often do this. So you'll ask, you know,

0:53:00.920 --> 0:53:03.040
<v Speaker 2>so what do you think of the new girl? You know,

0:53:03.160 --> 0:53:08.480
<v Speaker 2>she's she's great, And they're shaking their head no, but

0:53:08.520 --> 0:53:12.680
<v Speaker 2>they're saying yes. There's a hesitation there, but we don't

0:53:12.719 --> 0:53:15.600
<v Speaker 2>even notice it. But once you start to look out

0:53:15.600 --> 0:53:17.080
<v Speaker 2>for it, you'll start to see these incongruents.

0:53:17.120 --> 0:53:21.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm like, I do that,

0:53:21.160 --> 0:53:22.560
<v Speaker 1>see now the people do it like you know, you

0:53:22.719 --> 0:53:23.799
<v Speaker 1>just yeah, wow.

0:53:24.120 --> 0:53:27.240
<v Speaker 2>And also could be doubt, right, like someone someone could

0:53:27.520 --> 0:53:29.400
<v Speaker 2>not know if they like the girl or not, so

0:53:29.440 --> 0:53:33.719
<v Speaker 2>they're kind of yeah, kind of sort of right by

0:53:33.760 --> 0:53:36.160
<v Speaker 2>the way India, Bulgaria and Pakistan, nodding is a little

0:53:36.160 --> 0:53:39.560
<v Speaker 2>bit different, very different for sure, right, So I just

0:53:39.600 --> 0:53:42.799
<v Speaker 2>like to make that note. So looking for incongruits, they're

0:53:42.840 --> 0:53:45.520
<v Speaker 2>saying I'm happy, but they're not showing happy like a

0:53:45.520 --> 0:53:47.440
<v Speaker 2>fake smile, for example, is a real smile when we

0:53:47.520 --> 0:53:49.320
<v Speaker 2>reach all the way up into these upper cheek muscles.

0:53:49.320 --> 0:53:51.200
<v Speaker 2>So when I'm smiling all the way, I get these

0:53:51.200 --> 0:53:51.759
<v Speaker 2>crows feet.

0:53:51.840 --> 0:53:52.000
<v Speaker 3>Right.

0:53:52.200 --> 0:53:54.799
<v Speaker 2>If someone says to you, oh, I'm so happy for you,

0:53:58.320 --> 0:54:01.239
<v Speaker 2>dead on the top right, too much botox, either one.

0:54:01.320 --> 0:54:03.560
<v Speaker 3>That's getting harder. It's making my job harder. It's making

0:54:03.600 --> 0:54:05.120
<v Speaker 3>my job harder that you.

0:54:05.120 --> 0:54:07.960
<v Speaker 2>Know, oh, there's not real happiness here. And this happens

0:54:08.000 --> 0:54:11.319
<v Speaker 2>a lot in dating when you'll say your truth, you'll

0:54:11.360 --> 0:54:13.160
<v Speaker 2>say your passion or your value or your love, and

0:54:13.160 --> 0:54:16.319
<v Speaker 2>they'll go, oh, that's nice, and they're giving you a

0:54:16.320 --> 0:54:20.520
<v Speaker 2>fake smile. They're saying that's verbally okay, and your brain goes, uh,

0:54:20.719 --> 0:54:25.279
<v Speaker 2>that's oftentimes your body has picked up on ooh they

0:54:25.320 --> 0:54:27.239
<v Speaker 2>said it was good, but I didn't feel it was good.

0:54:27.560 --> 0:54:30.960
<v Speaker 2>So you're looking for incongruent cues or clues that someone

0:54:31.200 --> 0:54:33.560
<v Speaker 2>is not stating what they actually feel. And when you're

0:54:33.600 --> 0:54:36.160
<v Speaker 2>off script, you see way more of them. Yeah, you

0:54:36.200 --> 0:54:38.359
<v Speaker 2>see way way more of them. I also think there's

0:54:38.360 --> 0:54:41.959
<v Speaker 2>some cues that we can't read. For example, we catch

0:54:42.000 --> 0:54:44.799
<v Speaker 2>fear through smell. So I mentioned the smell before. This

0:54:44.840 --> 0:54:48.279
<v Speaker 2>is a study that completely blew my mind. They brought

0:54:48.280 --> 0:54:50.440
<v Speaker 2>people into their lab. They sold them up into different groups.

0:54:51.000 --> 0:54:53.840
<v Speaker 2>They had them wear sweatsuits like suits that caught their sweat.

0:54:54.080 --> 0:54:55.759
<v Speaker 2>The first group had to run on the treadmill, the

0:54:55.760 --> 0:54:58.960
<v Speaker 2>second group skydiveage for the first time. They had two

0:54:59.040 --> 0:55:02.560
<v Speaker 2>collections of sweat. They had treadmill sweat and fear sweat.

0:55:02.760 --> 0:55:06.280
<v Speaker 2>Then they had unsuspecting participants in an fMRI machine smell

0:55:08.000 --> 0:55:09.480
<v Speaker 2>these two sweat samples. I had no idea if they

0:55:09.480 --> 0:55:11.239
<v Speaker 2>were smelling gross, right, I hope they paid them well.

0:55:11.680 --> 0:55:12.320
<v Speaker 3>So gross.

0:55:13.000 --> 0:55:17.480
<v Speaker 2>People who smelled the fear sweat caught the fear. They

0:55:17.520 --> 0:55:20.480
<v Speaker 2>smelled this random thing, and their own amygdala began to

0:55:20.600 --> 0:55:24.000
<v Speaker 2>light up. They began to feel afraid. So sometimes when

0:55:24.040 --> 0:55:27.400
<v Speaker 2>you're with someone and you're like, I just feel so uneasy,

0:55:27.960 --> 0:55:30.440
<v Speaker 2>there's also this unreadable aspect. But I want you to

0:55:30.480 --> 0:55:33.080
<v Speaker 2>listen to it. Because our brains are so smart. They

0:55:33.080 --> 0:55:35.640
<v Speaker 2>are working to protect us. And so if you you're

0:55:35.680 --> 0:55:37.840
<v Speaker 2>like I feel off, that's your alarm belts. It's probably

0:55:37.840 --> 0:55:40.120
<v Speaker 2>your amygdala signaling something does not feel right here.

0:55:40.400 --> 0:55:43.520
<v Speaker 1>Gosh I cannot believe you can tell that much from

0:55:43.680 --> 0:55:45.160
<v Speaker 1>sense smell.

0:55:45.280 --> 0:55:47.760
<v Speaker 2>Oh, it's coming, that's the studies are coming. I cannot

0:55:47.800 --> 0:55:49.320
<v Speaker 2>wait for these old factory last.

0:55:49.200 --> 0:55:53.279
<v Speaker 1>Now that's what anyone's gonna do. I'm into it.

0:55:53.480 --> 0:55:56.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm into it, like if someone runs by me, I'm like,

0:55:56.400 --> 0:55:57.080
<v Speaker 2>I want to smell.

0:55:57.640 --> 0:55:59.759
<v Speaker 3>I want to smell. I think it's important.

0:56:00.120 --> 0:56:02.359
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but how much obviously, how much does how much

0:56:02.400 --> 0:56:03.799
<v Speaker 1>do you perfumes help people live?

0:56:03.920 --> 0:56:06.719
<v Speaker 2>So all these studies are based on natural body sense.

0:56:07.040 --> 0:56:09.000
<v Speaker 2>In these studies, they make them more plain white T shirt.

0:56:09.040 --> 0:56:10.719
<v Speaker 2>They don't let them more to good or anything like that,

0:56:10.760 --> 0:56:13.560
<v Speaker 2>so it's natural smell. I actually think that sometimes too

0:56:13.640 --> 0:56:16.880
<v Speaker 2>much coliner perfume is like masking. Like I don't know,

0:56:16.920 --> 0:56:18.760
<v Speaker 2>if you've ever been with someone we were like, whoa,

0:56:19.360 --> 0:56:20.000
<v Speaker 2>it's too much.

0:56:20.239 --> 0:56:20.759
<v Speaker 3>I don't like it.

0:56:20.800 --> 0:56:23.759
<v Speaker 2>I think in dating, actually you should underscent, like let

0:56:23.800 --> 0:56:24.480
<v Speaker 2>your natural scentse.

0:56:24.719 --> 0:56:27.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. It's really funny because yeah, yeah, my wife's Stepani

0:56:27.160 --> 0:56:30.479
<v Speaker 1>into like natural essential oils. She won't really use any

0:56:30.600 --> 0:56:33.600
<v Speaker 1>of and I'm happy with that. But then I have

0:56:33.719 --> 0:56:37.080
<v Speaker 1>one cologne that I love that she hates but everyone

0:56:37.080 --> 0:56:39.959
<v Speaker 1>else in the world loves. But she likes my natural scent,

0:56:40.080 --> 0:56:43.319
<v Speaker 1>but she doesn't want me to. Yeah, it's an interesting one,

0:56:43.400 --> 0:56:45.400
<v Speaker 1>but everywhere else ago ever friend loves it. So I'm like,

0:56:45.560 --> 0:56:46.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna keep sprying this.

0:56:47.120 --> 0:56:50.120
<v Speaker 3>My gosh, you're like white for other people's Sorry.

0:56:50.160 --> 0:56:55.879
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, my wife loves me already. But you know what's

0:56:55.880 --> 0:56:59.120
<v Speaker 1>really interesting about that is I think sometimes we all

0:56:59.160 --> 0:57:02.280
<v Speaker 1>know that. I know that there's a big difference between

0:57:02.280 --> 0:57:05.480
<v Speaker 1>what you're sharing and teaching and people pleasing. There's a

0:57:05.520 --> 0:57:09.560
<v Speaker 1>big difference. But to the untrained eye, it's a fine

0:57:09.640 --> 0:57:13.840
<v Speaker 1>line where people are now trying to get a reaction,

0:57:14.760 --> 0:57:18.720
<v Speaker 1>and therefore they're starting to say things that they may

0:57:18.760 --> 0:57:21.360
<v Speaker 1>not mean, which is not what you're suggesting at all.

0:57:21.480 --> 0:57:24.600
<v Speaker 2>I also think, like I look at people pleasing as

0:57:25.000 --> 0:57:29.640
<v Speaker 2>our deep desire to be liked. It is so safe

0:57:29.720 --> 0:57:32.720
<v Speaker 2>for us to be liked, and so when I look

0:57:32.760 --> 0:57:36.480
<v Speaker 2>at the research, so research from Prince University found that

0:57:36.600 --> 0:57:39.760
<v Speaker 2>as humans, we are trying to answer two basic questions

0:57:39.760 --> 0:57:42.000
<v Speaker 2>about other human beings. Can I trust you? And can

0:57:42.040 --> 0:57:44.520
<v Speaker 2>I rely on you? We are constantly trying to assess

0:57:44.560 --> 0:57:48.160
<v Speaker 2>people's warmth and competence. Warmth and competence makes up eighty

0:57:48.160 --> 0:57:50.680
<v Speaker 2>two percent of our judgments of people eighty two percent,

0:57:51.440 --> 0:57:54.520
<v Speaker 2>and so warmth is actually we're talking about here in

0:57:54.560 --> 0:57:57.960
<v Speaker 2>that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence.

0:57:58.000 --> 0:57:59.720
<v Speaker 2>We're very high and warmth maybe not as high in comptence,

0:57:59.800 --> 0:58:02.080
<v Speaker 2>or we're signaling a lot of warmth but not signaling

0:58:02.160 --> 0:58:05.760
<v Speaker 2>enough competence. Highly warm folks people who are off the

0:58:05.840 --> 0:58:09.880
<v Speaker 2>charts in warmth. Their primary desire is to be liked.

0:58:10.400 --> 0:58:12.960
<v Speaker 2>Highly competent folks. This is a lot of my students.

0:58:13.400 --> 0:58:17.720
<v Speaker 2>They want to be right. So a highly competent person,

0:58:18.320 --> 0:58:21.080
<v Speaker 2>they're very at work, they want to be on agenda.

0:58:21.440 --> 0:58:23.240
<v Speaker 2>They want to get it right. You know you're in

0:58:23.240 --> 0:58:25.560
<v Speaker 2>a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly

0:58:25.600 --> 0:58:29.400
<v Speaker 2>google fact check you right. They're less concerned about you

0:58:29.400 --> 0:58:30.480
<v Speaker 2>liking them, but they just want to make sure they

0:58:30.480 --> 0:58:33.480
<v Speaker 2>get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you

0:58:33.520 --> 0:58:37.120
<v Speaker 2>to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility

0:58:37.440 --> 0:58:40.200
<v Speaker 2>to be liked. That is actually what people pleasing is.

0:58:40.240 --> 0:58:43.280
<v Speaker 2>In my opinion, I think people pleasing is someone who goes,

0:58:43.760 --> 0:58:45.960
<v Speaker 2>I so want to be liked that I'm willing to

0:58:46.000 --> 0:58:48.280
<v Speaker 2>throw my competence out the window just so that you

0:58:48.400 --> 0:58:51.640
<v Speaker 2>like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for

0:58:51.760 --> 0:58:54.920
<v Speaker 2>their need to be respected. I say to people pleasers

0:58:55.640 --> 0:59:01.160
<v Speaker 2>what true communication is is showcasing both be both liked

0:59:01.280 --> 0:59:05.160
<v Speaker 2>and respected. You can be both friendly and credible. You

0:59:05.200 --> 0:59:08.160
<v Speaker 2>can be assertive and also be nice. One of my

0:59:08.200 --> 0:59:10.640
<v Speaker 2>most popular videos is a Nice Person's Guy to be

0:59:10.720 --> 0:59:14.120
<v Speaker 2>assertive because you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.

0:59:14.400 --> 0:59:16.040
<v Speaker 2>And so for my people pleaser is what I would

0:59:16.080 --> 0:59:18.760
<v Speaker 2>say is your goal, sure is to be liked, but

0:59:18.800 --> 0:59:21.120
<v Speaker 2>it's also to make sure that people respect who you

0:59:21.240 --> 0:59:24.280
<v Speaker 2>are and your values. So if you're having conversations with

0:59:24.320 --> 0:59:26.360
<v Speaker 2>me two moments, what you're actually doing.

0:59:26.160 --> 0:59:29.560
<v Speaker 3>Is do you value that? Do I value that? Great,

0:59:29.640 --> 0:59:30.600
<v Speaker 3>we both value it.

0:59:31.000 --> 0:59:34.320
<v Speaker 2>When it becomes inauthentic, when I think we get into

0:59:34.360 --> 0:59:39.200
<v Speaker 2>even like manipulation, is I don't like that, and I'm

0:59:39.200 --> 0:59:42.160
<v Speaker 2>going to pretend I do. Yeah, Right, when someone has

0:59:42.200 --> 0:59:44.400
<v Speaker 2>a fake me too moment, like I was just watching

0:59:45.040 --> 0:59:48.160
<v Speaker 2>an episode of The Kardashians and they were interviewing someone

0:59:48.200 --> 0:59:49.520
<v Speaker 2>in our job interview this is the biggest problem in

0:59:49.600 --> 0:59:52.880
<v Speaker 2>job interviews. And they ask him do you use quick books?

0:59:53.240 --> 0:59:55.040
<v Speaker 2>And he was like yeah, and they said, what do

0:59:55.040 --> 0:59:58.400
<v Speaker 2>you use quick books? For and he was like quick booking,

0:59:58.560 --> 1:00:00.880
<v Speaker 2>like he did not know, yeah quick, And that was

1:00:00.920 --> 1:00:03.280
<v Speaker 2>inauthentic because he wanted to be liked. He wanted to

1:00:03.360 --> 1:00:04.640
<v Speaker 2>say he had it. He should have just said no,

1:00:04.680 --> 1:00:05.800
<v Speaker 2>I haven't met I'm a fast learner.

1:00:06.000 --> 1:00:06.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

1:00:06.520 --> 1:00:08.880
<v Speaker 2>When I think people pleasers get into trouble is they

1:00:09.360 --> 1:00:12.680
<v Speaker 2>pretend they like something that they don't, and that is manipulative,

1:00:12.720 --> 1:00:14.360
<v Speaker 2>but also it doesn't serve you or them.

1:00:14.640 --> 1:00:18.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and we do it, and people do it to us, right,

1:00:18.080 --> 1:00:20.480
<v Speaker 1>like if we're all honest, like everyone kind of does it.

1:00:20.800 --> 1:00:23.960
<v Speaker 1>Someone may overtly do on a date, especially especially in

1:00:24.000 --> 1:00:27.480
<v Speaker 1>the beginning, yes, and then you realize afterwards that they

1:00:27.480 --> 1:00:30.320
<v Speaker 1>didn't really know what that was or loved that type

1:00:30.360 --> 1:00:31.000
<v Speaker 1>of food.

1:00:30.920 --> 1:00:33.800
<v Speaker 2>Or you accidentally have lied yes, and they pick up

1:00:33.800 --> 1:00:34.400
<v Speaker 2>on your line.

1:00:34.520 --> 1:00:39.120
<v Speaker 3>Yeah right, So you're like I love cats. I love them.

1:00:39.120 --> 1:00:40.840
<v Speaker 2>Now I'm allergic to cats, but I'm like, I just

1:00:40.960 --> 1:00:43.360
<v Speaker 2>love a cat, and the other person's like ooh, and

1:00:43.400 --> 1:00:45.360
<v Speaker 2>they got this signal in their body that was like

1:00:45.440 --> 1:00:47.720
<v Speaker 2>I don't I don't know about this person, but actually

1:00:47.720 --> 1:00:49.920
<v Speaker 2>it was because you were just trying to be likable

1:00:50.720 --> 1:00:53.560
<v Speaker 2>and I would much rather you say, you know what,

1:00:54.320 --> 1:00:54.840
<v Speaker 2>I love.

1:00:54.720 --> 1:00:55.960
<v Speaker 3>The idea of cats too.

1:00:56.240 --> 1:00:58.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but I'm allergic, right, And then everyone laughs and

1:00:59.000 --> 1:01:01.200
<v Speaker 2>it's okay, right, And if that's a deal breaker for them,

1:01:01.280 --> 1:01:05.280
<v Speaker 2>wouldn't you rather know, Like in dating especially, I would

1:01:05.360 --> 1:01:07.600
<v Speaker 2>rather you create allergies for the person.

1:01:08.200 --> 1:01:09.200
<v Speaker 3>So my approach to dating.

1:01:09.240 --> 1:01:11.040
<v Speaker 2>I have a couple of single friends is I'm like,

1:01:11.640 --> 1:01:15.560
<v Speaker 2>don't be liked by everyone. Don't have a profile or

1:01:15.560 --> 1:01:17.000
<v Speaker 2>go on a first date and try to be the

1:01:17.000 --> 1:01:19.760
<v Speaker 2>most liked person. In fact, if you have things that

1:01:19.840 --> 1:01:22.840
<v Speaker 2>really matter to you, share them up front. I had

1:01:22.840 --> 1:01:25.240
<v Speaker 2>a friend who was trying to date and I was

1:01:25.280 --> 1:01:26.960
<v Speaker 2>having a lot of trouble and I'm like, what are

1:01:26.960 --> 1:01:29.800
<v Speaker 2>you putting in your profile about you? And it was

1:01:29.840 --> 1:01:33.680
<v Speaker 2>the most vague generic, like I love beaches.

1:01:33.760 --> 1:01:36.320
<v Speaker 3>It's like everybody likes a bach, Like everybody likes that.

1:01:36.600 --> 1:01:36.800
<v Speaker 1>You know.

1:01:36.920 --> 1:01:39.040
<v Speaker 2>She had all the very and I said, get really specific,

1:01:39.320 --> 1:01:41.760
<v Speaker 2>you know, like you love beaches, but what do you hate?

1:01:41.680 --> 1:01:42.880
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, she's like I hate camping?

1:01:43.120 --> 1:01:45.480
<v Speaker 2>Like say it, Like, why even go on a date

1:01:45.520 --> 1:01:47.320
<v Speaker 2>with a guy who loves camping?

1:01:47.600 --> 1:01:48.600
<v Speaker 3>That's not going to be you.

1:01:49.160 --> 1:01:51.320
<v Speaker 2>And so I think that if you don't like something,

1:01:51.360 --> 1:01:53.000
<v Speaker 2>if you're looking for me two moments and a not

1:01:53.160 --> 1:01:56.080
<v Speaker 2>me too moment comes up. What an opportunity, Yes, you

1:01:56.080 --> 1:01:58.560
<v Speaker 2>have an opportunity to be super authentic and be maybe

1:01:58.640 --> 1:02:00.280
<v Speaker 2>a little bit funny and still accept them for who

1:02:00.320 --> 1:02:02.680
<v Speaker 2>they are, but realize, okay, we're not gonna drive on that.

1:02:02.840 --> 1:02:04.600
<v Speaker 2>If that's a deal breaker for you, wouldn't you rather

1:02:04.640 --> 1:02:04.920
<v Speaker 2>know it?

1:02:05.080 --> 1:02:07.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? And it starts a great conversation too. I think

1:02:07.760 --> 1:02:10.360
<v Speaker 1>that's the point that you think you're gonna suddenly take

1:02:10.400 --> 1:02:13.280
<v Speaker 1>away the energy from a conversation, But if you have

1:02:13.280 --> 1:02:15.240
<v Speaker 1>an interesting point of view, you have a different direction

1:02:15.320 --> 1:02:16.240
<v Speaker 1>to take it. It can be great.

1:02:16.280 --> 1:02:18.040
<v Speaker 2>Some of my closest friends we tease each other about

1:02:18.040 --> 1:02:20.880
<v Speaker 2>our biggest differences, right like that becomes a beautiful friendship too.

1:02:20.920 --> 1:02:23.240
<v Speaker 2>So I think that's where people pleasers get in trouble

1:02:23.280 --> 1:02:26.120
<v Speaker 2>and they feel bad about themselves because then what happens

1:02:26.120 --> 1:02:28.640
<v Speaker 2>at the end, they feel unliked and like nothing's worse

1:02:28.680 --> 1:02:30.280
<v Speaker 2>than feeling unlovable or unlikable.

1:02:30.440 --> 1:02:32.959
<v Speaker 1>Totally. I want to go into the part you mentioned

1:02:33.000 --> 1:02:38.080
<v Speaker 1>their manipulation because I think people who are charismatic and

1:02:38.200 --> 1:02:42.400
<v Speaker 1>narcissists often have quite similar traits, or at least today

1:02:42.440 --> 1:02:45.720
<v Speaker 1>we talk about them in that way and it's hard

1:02:45.840 --> 1:02:50.880
<v Speaker 1>because some people just have that power and control and

1:02:51.280 --> 1:02:54.440
<v Speaker 1>feel like they're almost moving everyone else around like their pawns.

1:02:55.040 --> 1:02:57.520
<v Speaker 1>And often it can be quite magnetic. We can be

1:02:57.600 --> 1:03:02.000
<v Speaker 1>quite drawn to it at first because it feels, yeah,

1:03:02.000 --> 1:03:04.400
<v Speaker 1>it feels like there's awe in reverence and there's this

1:03:04.840 --> 1:03:08.040
<v Speaker 1>feeling of wow, you blow me away and you have

1:03:08.160 --> 1:03:11.960
<v Speaker 1>so much magnetic energy, only to realize it was manipulation

1:03:12.040 --> 1:03:15.440
<v Speaker 1>and narcissm. How do we tell the difference between charisma

1:03:15.720 --> 1:03:16.600
<v Speaker 1>and narcissism.

1:03:16.960 --> 1:03:20.280
<v Speaker 2>This is why I like the car test is typically

1:03:20.440 --> 1:03:24.240
<v Speaker 2>narcissess have a pattern. Narciss blow you away with their charisma.

1:03:24.280 --> 1:03:26.840
<v Speaker 2>At first, you are just in awe. They know how

1:03:26.920 --> 1:03:30.000
<v Speaker 2>to signal warmth and competence. They're finding me to a

1:03:30.040 --> 1:03:33.600
<v Speaker 2>moment you're like, wow, I'm clicking. And their confidence is contagious.

1:03:33.880 --> 1:03:36.200
<v Speaker 2>We love to be around highly confident people, which often

1:03:36.280 --> 1:03:39.360
<v Speaker 2>narcists are very confident. So in that first hour two

1:03:39.480 --> 1:03:42.640
<v Speaker 2>three hours we're blown away. Then typically they go one

1:03:42.680 --> 1:03:46.000
<v Speaker 2>of two ways. The first way is narcissis if they

1:03:46.040 --> 1:03:48.240
<v Speaker 2>don't get what they want even a little bit, they

1:03:48.280 --> 1:03:52.240
<v Speaker 2>go into victim mode. So there's a misunderstanding about narcissis,

1:03:52.280 --> 1:03:55.600
<v Speaker 2>which is that they're always confident. When a narciss doesn't

1:03:55.640 --> 1:03:57.880
<v Speaker 2>get what they want or doesn't get what they feel

1:03:57.880 --> 1:04:01.040
<v Speaker 2>they deserve, and listen for that word with narciss I

1:04:01.160 --> 1:04:04.680
<v Speaker 2>don't deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve something better,

1:04:04.880 --> 1:04:08.280
<v Speaker 2>I'm worth more. Be very aware of those words. If

1:04:08.320 --> 1:04:09.760
<v Speaker 2>they don't feel like they get what they deserve it,

1:04:09.880 --> 1:04:12.800
<v Speaker 2>or they're not getting what they're worth, they become victims.

1:04:13.600 --> 1:04:18.520
<v Speaker 2>Listen for that victim language because narcissists will sometimes be

1:04:18.680 --> 1:04:21.680
<v Speaker 2>very charismatic, but they're playing the victim card, and the

1:04:21.760 --> 1:04:24.280
<v Speaker 2>victim card is really dangerous because then it's everyone else's

1:04:24.320 --> 1:04:26.080
<v Speaker 2>fault and then all of a sudden, you're enabling it.

1:04:26.120 --> 1:04:29.200
<v Speaker 2>You're like, well, I have to protect you. You're so charismatic.

1:04:29.480 --> 1:04:31.960
<v Speaker 2>And that's how they are manipulative with people, is they

1:04:32.000 --> 1:04:33.880
<v Speaker 2>play the victim card and you want to protect them.

1:04:34.200 --> 1:04:36.480
<v Speaker 2>So be very careful of that dynamic, because I think

1:04:36.520 --> 1:04:37.360
<v Speaker 2>that we often are like.

1:04:37.320 --> 1:04:41.400
<v Speaker 3>Well, she's not a narcissist, she's suffering, she needs my help.

1:04:42.280 --> 1:04:44.600
<v Speaker 2>That is often actually a narcissist is they're playing the

1:04:44.680 --> 1:04:46.440
<v Speaker 2>victim because they want your help and that makes them

1:04:46.440 --> 1:04:50.040
<v Speaker 2>feel good. That's one pattern. The second pattern is that

1:04:50.120 --> 1:04:54.320
<v Speaker 2>narciss can be high conflict people. A high conflict person

1:04:54.360 --> 1:04:57.040
<v Speaker 2>is they're very charismatic and they blow you away with

1:04:57.080 --> 1:05:02.120
<v Speaker 2>their charisma, but they create all these little disagreements fights,

1:05:02.560 --> 1:05:04.880
<v Speaker 2>They create conflict around them, and they step and they

1:05:04.920 --> 1:05:06.160
<v Speaker 2>back up and they go, I don't know, I don't

1:05:06.160 --> 1:05:10.080
<v Speaker 2>know how that happened. But they're constantly stirring or stoking conflict.

1:05:10.400 --> 1:05:12.680
<v Speaker 2>Watch out for that. Yeah, that's the other reason why

1:05:12.920 --> 1:05:15.840
<v Speaker 2>those car trips, getting out of restaurants and coffee shops

1:05:15.880 --> 1:05:18.280
<v Speaker 2>is it's very easy to not have conflict in those

1:05:18.360 --> 1:05:21.040
<v Speaker 2>very controlled settings. But if someone cuts you off on

1:05:21.080 --> 1:05:25.440
<v Speaker 2>the road, or someone short changes you, or someone's late,

1:05:25.840 --> 1:05:29.200
<v Speaker 2>you get to see, oh wow, they play victim or

1:05:29.840 --> 1:05:31.960
<v Speaker 2>they're creating conflict where there doesn't really need to be conflicts.

1:05:31.960 --> 1:05:34.080
<v Speaker 2>And then when they're brainstorming in the car, because there's

1:05:34.120 --> 1:05:37.080
<v Speaker 2>something that happens when you're next to someone, I think

1:05:37.120 --> 1:05:41.840
<v Speaker 2>they verbalize differently. Like typically women like to diead have

1:05:41.920 --> 1:05:45.480
<v Speaker 2>conversation like this face to face. Men sometimes like to

1:05:45.480 --> 1:05:48.000
<v Speaker 2>have conversations side by side. It's why they like talking

1:05:48.080 --> 1:05:50.200
<v Speaker 2>it at a bar because they're side by side. They

1:05:50.360 --> 1:05:52.240
<v Speaker 2>like talking on a walk or a hike. They like

1:05:52.280 --> 1:05:54.920
<v Speaker 2>talking in a car. So sometimes if you're next to

1:05:55.000 --> 1:05:57.640
<v Speaker 2>someone and they're just driving, or you're driving and they're listening,

1:05:58.160 --> 1:06:00.920
<v Speaker 2>they'll say things they wouldn't normally say in a in

1:06:00.960 --> 1:06:03.080
<v Speaker 2>a face to faced eye ad and you might hear, oh,

1:06:03.160 --> 1:06:05.959
<v Speaker 2>that's interesting those patterns. I didn't know that you felt

1:06:06.000 --> 1:06:08.400
<v Speaker 2>that way about that thing. And so you want to

1:06:08.400 --> 1:06:11.400
<v Speaker 2>make sure that you're looking for those secret patterns of manipulators,

1:06:11.440 --> 1:06:12.479
<v Speaker 2>not just the obvious ones.

1:06:12.920 --> 1:06:14.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that I mean that what you just said there

1:06:14.720 --> 1:06:18.360
<v Speaker 1>about the way we sit and speak to people. It's

1:06:18.400 --> 1:06:20.560
<v Speaker 1>a lot more easy to be open with someone if

1:06:20.600 --> 1:06:22.880
<v Speaker 1>you're not staring eye to eye, especially for men. I

1:06:22.920 --> 1:06:27.040
<v Speaker 1>assume yes, and there's a sense of yeah, there's a

1:06:27.080 --> 1:06:30.040
<v Speaker 1>sense of we're kind of moving in the same direction

1:06:30.240 --> 1:06:33.080
<v Speaker 1>rather than against each other. That kicks in. I think

1:06:33.120 --> 1:06:35.760
<v Speaker 1>there was this there was a story about how Steve

1:06:35.840 --> 1:06:38.040
<v Speaker 1>Jobs always used to do walking meetings, like, yes, you

1:06:38.040 --> 1:06:40.080
<v Speaker 1>always wanted to walk side by side with people.

1:06:40.360 --> 1:06:43.840
<v Speaker 2>Yes, so I like with friends, I or even if

1:06:43.880 --> 1:06:46.000
<v Speaker 2>business friends come into town, I always ask for a

1:06:46.000 --> 1:06:48.480
<v Speaker 2>walk and talk always, and I never say let's get coffee.

1:06:48.480 --> 1:06:50.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm always like, let's get tacos. Yes, like just to

1:06:50.600 --> 1:06:52.200
<v Speaker 2>like break it up, break the script a little bit.

1:06:52.200 --> 1:06:54.400
<v Speaker 2>And I do find there's something about walking and movement

1:06:54.440 --> 1:06:57.720
<v Speaker 2>that also you have more breath, you're looking around. I

1:06:58.160 --> 1:07:01.520
<v Speaker 2>have a secret feeling that when I walk and talk

1:07:01.560 --> 1:07:03.160
<v Speaker 2>with someone, they're more creative.

1:07:03.360 --> 1:07:05.200
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, they're like more open.

1:07:05.000 --> 1:07:08.640
<v Speaker 2>Minded, Like they go places that we could never have gotten.

1:07:08.680 --> 1:07:10.720
<v Speaker 2>I swear we could have never gotten over a coffee.

1:07:10.840 --> 1:07:12.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, I agree. I think the big thing I'm

1:07:13.000 --> 1:07:16.360
<v Speaker 1>taking away is this off script idea. Yeah, it's just

1:07:16.520 --> 1:07:19.480
<v Speaker 1>breaking the script. It's interrupting the pattern. Yeah, because we're

1:07:19.520 --> 1:07:22.160
<v Speaker 1>all so caught up in our patterns. And by the way,

1:07:22.200 --> 1:07:25.200
<v Speaker 1>that makes you boring as well, it makes you less interesting.

1:07:25.800 --> 1:07:27.360
<v Speaker 1>Just as you said earlier, if you've being asked the

1:07:27.400 --> 1:07:31.440
<v Speaker 1>same three questions, it's hard to answer them in an

1:07:31.480 --> 1:07:34.400
<v Speaker 1>interesting way. It's hard to make how many siblings you

1:07:34.480 --> 1:07:39.200
<v Speaker 1>have an interesting conversation on the thirty seventh time over coffee, But.

1:07:39.160 --> 1:07:41.360
<v Speaker 3>When they're guessing, it's always interesting exactly.

1:07:41.440 --> 1:07:44.160
<v Speaker 1>And that's what I love. How you've interrupted the pattern,

1:07:44.480 --> 1:07:47.959
<v Speaker 1>whether that's through the questions you ask, whether that's through gamification,

1:07:48.480 --> 1:07:51.440
<v Speaker 1>whether it's through changing the path the way you're connecting.

1:07:51.560 --> 1:07:54.400
<v Speaker 2>And also let's get to the chemistry of this. When

1:07:54.520 --> 1:07:57.640
<v Speaker 2>you give an exciting answer or a different answer, you

1:07:57.680 --> 1:07:58.800
<v Speaker 2>are creating dopamine.

1:07:58.880 --> 1:08:00.400
<v Speaker 3>Now don't mean there's a lot of things.

1:08:00.200 --> 1:08:03.960
<v Speaker 2>In our bodies, but in conversation, dopamine is the chemical

1:08:04.000 --> 1:08:07.040
<v Speaker 2>of motivation and excitement. So if I asked you a

1:08:07.120 --> 1:08:09.560
<v Speaker 2>question or answered a question in a different way, I

1:08:09.680 --> 1:08:14.080
<v Speaker 2>highlighted a new neural pathway, my brain went ooh, something new.

1:08:14.480 --> 1:08:17.080
<v Speaker 2>And that dopamine does a couple of things. One, it

1:08:17.120 --> 1:08:20.120
<v Speaker 2>gets you excited. It makes you feel more positive. Two

1:08:20.320 --> 1:08:23.439
<v Speaker 2>it doctor John and Madina found that dopamine makes you

1:08:23.479 --> 1:08:26.840
<v Speaker 2>more memorable. So if you're in conversation and someone's gone

1:08:26.840 --> 1:08:29.960
<v Speaker 2>on fifty first dates, or like you're in a business meeting.

1:08:30.000 --> 1:08:32.880
<v Speaker 2>This especially in business, I say to people, create dopamine

1:08:32.880 --> 1:08:35.080
<v Speaker 2>in the boardroom. You've got to make your presentation to

1:08:35.120 --> 1:08:37.400
<v Speaker 2>stand out. You've got to create dopamine in an interview.

1:08:37.600 --> 1:08:39.400
<v Speaker 2>If you're pitching work with a lot of entrepreneurs, you've

1:08:39.400 --> 1:08:42.240
<v Speaker 2>got to create dopamine in those investors. Because dopamine is

1:08:42.280 --> 1:08:45.679
<v Speaker 2>what makes the brain go, oh, this person gave me pleasure.

1:08:45.920 --> 1:08:47.160
<v Speaker 3>I want to remember them.

1:08:47.479 --> 1:08:49.599
<v Speaker 2>When you trigger dopamine people are more likely to remember

1:08:49.600 --> 1:08:52.840
<v Speaker 2>your name, what you talked about, and what you care about.

1:08:53.439 --> 1:08:56.160
<v Speaker 2>So if you want to be more memorable, the best

1:08:56.160 --> 1:08:59.759
<v Speaker 2>thing you can do is try to create excitement moments

1:08:59.800 --> 1:09:02.320
<v Speaker 2>for them, both of you. Me two moments are typically excitement.

1:09:02.320 --> 1:09:04.000
<v Speaker 2>That's the secret motivation about why I want you to

1:09:04.040 --> 1:09:06.840
<v Speaker 2>have me two moments. And then also sharing stories. I

1:09:06.920 --> 1:09:08.679
<v Speaker 2>kind of have like a story toolbox. I like keep

1:09:08.680 --> 1:09:10.800
<v Speaker 2>all my favorite stories and a little note on my

1:09:10.840 --> 1:09:13.080
<v Speaker 2>phone because I just like telling them, you know, And

1:09:13.120 --> 1:09:16.400
<v Speaker 2>so like start collecting or cataloging stories because those are

1:09:16.400 --> 1:09:18.720
<v Speaker 2>gifts for people. You tell a good story, someone's like

1:09:18.760 --> 1:09:20.559
<v Speaker 2>ah yeah, like they like love it.

1:09:21.120 --> 1:09:22.960
<v Speaker 3>And then lastly is juice excitement.

1:09:23.080 --> 1:09:25.160
<v Speaker 2>So when we talk about conversation starters, I have a

1:09:25.200 --> 1:09:28.120
<v Speaker 2>couple favorites. So if you're going to stop asking what

1:09:28.240 --> 1:09:31.479
<v Speaker 2>do you do? Where are you from? I love context cues.

1:09:31.560 --> 1:09:33.640
<v Speaker 2>The other thing you can do with people you already know,

1:09:33.960 --> 1:09:38.760
<v Speaker 2>especially at work, is ask working on anything exciting these days? So,

1:09:38.800 --> 1:09:40.439
<v Speaker 2>like I had this problem where I would see people

1:09:40.439 --> 1:09:43.240
<v Speaker 2>who I kind of knew, like friends of friends or

1:09:43.280 --> 1:09:45.519
<v Speaker 2>like family members I don't see all the time, and

1:09:45.560 --> 1:09:46.000
<v Speaker 2>I'd be.

1:09:45.960 --> 1:09:49.840
<v Speaker 3>Like, how's life? Like what do you do?

1:09:50.360 --> 1:09:53.400
<v Speaker 2>So now I always ask working on anything exciting these days?

1:09:54.080 --> 1:09:56.680
<v Speaker 2>That is a dopamine gift for their brain, because in

1:09:56.720 --> 1:09:59.240
<v Speaker 2>their brain then they have to go, oh, you broke

1:09:59.280 --> 1:10:01.200
<v Speaker 2>their script exciting, exciting, exciting.

1:10:01.240 --> 1:10:03.639
<v Speaker 3>They're literally searching their brain for something exciting.

1:10:03.640 --> 1:10:04.920
<v Speaker 2>When they find it, they go oh, yeah, you know

1:10:05.000 --> 1:10:09.040
<v Speaker 2>actually and they tell you, so you're actually like juicing dope. Mean,

1:10:09.080 --> 1:10:10.880
<v Speaker 2>you're borrowing it from other area of their life. And

1:10:10.920 --> 1:10:13.479
<v Speaker 2>by the way, if they say no, what a great

1:10:13.479 --> 1:10:16.439
<v Speaker 2>opportunity for vulnerability. Like I've asked it maybe one out

1:10:16.439 --> 1:10:18.840
<v Speaker 2>of every ten times, I'll say working on anyth exciting

1:10:18.920 --> 1:10:20.120
<v Speaker 2>or have anything exciting coming up?

1:10:20.400 --> 1:10:21.120
<v Speaker 3>And they'll be like.

1:10:23.400 --> 1:10:27.519
<v Speaker 2>No, yeah, and I'll be like, wow, what's going on?

1:10:27.880 --> 1:10:30.600
<v Speaker 2>Tell me what's actually happening in your life? And we

1:10:30.720 --> 1:10:32.960
<v Speaker 2>have skipped How are you busy?

1:10:33.000 --> 1:10:33.280
<v Speaker 1>Good?

1:10:34.080 --> 1:10:35.360
<v Speaker 3>If you ask someone, how are you there going to

1:10:35.400 --> 1:10:35.760
<v Speaker 3>be busy?

1:10:35.760 --> 1:10:36.200
<v Speaker 1>Good? Good?

1:10:36.200 --> 1:10:37.040
<v Speaker 3>Busy? How about you?

1:10:37.760 --> 1:10:38.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

1:10:38.720 --> 1:10:40.599
<v Speaker 3>And so I'd rather like get past that.

1:10:40.880 --> 1:10:43.360
<v Speaker 2>And so asking that question is an unlocked So keep

1:10:43.400 --> 1:10:44.799
<v Speaker 2>that one in your back body is my favorite.

1:10:44.840 --> 1:10:46.439
<v Speaker 1>You literally read my mind. I was about to shift

1:10:46.439 --> 1:10:48.599
<v Speaker 1>to work, so you already went ahead of it, which

1:10:48.600 --> 1:10:50.600
<v Speaker 1>is great. So I'm really glad that you gave the

1:10:50.640 --> 1:10:53.880
<v Speaker 1>alternative because I've had a lot of people that I've

1:10:53.920 --> 1:10:56.720
<v Speaker 1>asked that question too lately, and they actually focus so

1:10:56.800 --> 1:10:59.479
<v Speaker 1>much pressure because I think we're living at this time

1:10:59.560 --> 1:11:02.920
<v Speaker 1>now where everyone's doing something so big, which is what

1:11:02.960 --> 1:11:06.160
<v Speaker 1>it looks like. And so then when you ask someone that,

1:11:06.240 --> 1:11:08.760
<v Speaker 1>they're scared that they don't have something big to say,

1:11:09.479 --> 1:11:12.320
<v Speaker 1>and so they either shrink and they actually get scared

1:11:12.360 --> 1:11:14.160
<v Speaker 1>of that conversation that goes. I don't really want to

1:11:14.160 --> 1:11:16.800
<v Speaker 1>talk about that. I get a lot of that sometimes,

1:11:17.080 --> 1:11:19.880
<v Speaker 1>or someone are like, oh, that's a lot of pressure. Exciting. Yeah,

1:11:19.920 --> 1:11:23.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm just trying to get by. Like that happens. And

1:11:24.080 --> 1:11:27.120
<v Speaker 1>it's interesting that even though it's such a better question

1:11:27.200 --> 1:11:29.840
<v Speaker 1>than what do you do? How's life? How's it going,

1:11:30.240 --> 1:11:32.680
<v Speaker 1>it can create some friction, and so I really like

1:11:32.720 --> 1:11:34.639
<v Speaker 1>talking about it when it doesn't go your way.

1:11:34.800 --> 1:11:36.640
<v Speaker 2>So I just want to acknowledge it takes courage to

1:11:36.640 --> 1:11:41.800
<v Speaker 2>break scripts. Yeah, I know scripts are comfortable, Like I

1:11:41.920 --> 1:11:44.559
<v Speaker 2>know that the reason why we're like how are you good?

1:11:45.360 --> 1:11:49.320
<v Speaker 2>Is because it's safe, And so I want you to

1:11:49.360 --> 1:11:51.759
<v Speaker 2>just acknowledge yourself if you're thinking about asking these questions

1:11:51.760 --> 1:11:54.479
<v Speaker 2>like it does take some social courage, but it's worth it.

1:11:55.000 --> 1:11:56.760
<v Speaker 2>And so yeah, we got to harness, like, Okay, it

1:11:56.800 --> 1:11:59.280
<v Speaker 2>might be uncomfortable. You might someone might not have a

1:11:59.320 --> 1:12:00.840
<v Speaker 2>good answer to that, or a good answer. I even

1:12:00.840 --> 1:12:03.240
<v Speaker 2>say a good answer. They might have an exciting answer.

1:12:03.320 --> 1:12:06.080
<v Speaker 2>They might be more vulnerable, but any answer is an

1:12:06.080 --> 1:12:09.760
<v Speaker 2>opportunity for connection. Whatever they say, at least it's not

1:12:09.800 --> 1:12:12.519
<v Speaker 2>a social script and your other options, so you can

1:12:12.640 --> 1:12:15.200
<v Speaker 2>accept it with vulnerability. Oh my gosh, tell me what

1:12:15.560 --> 1:12:18.000
<v Speaker 2>has it been hard? What's going on? Or you could

1:12:18.040 --> 1:12:20.599
<v Speaker 2>have your own answer. So I've asked someone that question,

1:12:20.680 --> 1:12:24.240
<v Speaker 2>they're like and they kind of are thinking about it,

1:12:24.560 --> 1:12:26.679
<v Speaker 2>and I go, well, while you're thinking about it, here's

1:12:26.720 --> 1:12:27.400
<v Speaker 2>what's exciting with me.

1:12:27.479 --> 1:12:29.000
<v Speaker 3>And then I take the ball.

1:12:29.080 --> 1:12:32.120
<v Speaker 2>That's so conversation is like soccer, right, we're passing this

1:12:32.160 --> 1:12:32.800
<v Speaker 2>ball back and forth?

1:12:32.880 --> 1:12:35.320
<v Speaker 3>Or basketball. I don't really play sports. What's a sport

1:12:35.439 --> 1:12:37.240
<v Speaker 3>you like? Passing the rugby?

1:12:37.320 --> 1:12:38.960
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, so, like, like you pass the ball

1:12:39.000 --> 1:12:41.280
<v Speaker 2>back and forth, but in basketball you're supposed to rible, right,

1:12:41.320 --> 1:12:44.280
<v Speaker 2>So like I shouldn't do sports metaphors.

1:12:44.320 --> 1:12:47.160
<v Speaker 3>I really shouldn't. I don't know anything about sports.

1:12:47.560 --> 1:12:50.520
<v Speaker 1>The closest Okay, it's gonna be passed.

1:12:50.240 --> 1:12:52.720
<v Speaker 2>The basketball and back and forth when I ask doing

1:12:52.720 --> 1:12:53.280
<v Speaker 2>anything exciting.

1:12:53.360 --> 1:12:54.520
<v Speaker 3>Recently, I passed.

1:12:54.280 --> 1:12:55.720
<v Speaker 2>The ball to you and then you're like holding the

1:12:55.760 --> 1:12:58.120
<v Speaker 2>ball and you're like, if you can't think of it,

1:12:58.240 --> 1:13:00.640
<v Speaker 2>take the ball back, right, just take it back from them.

1:13:00.680 --> 1:13:02.880
<v Speaker 2>So they're like okay, and they can listen, they can think,

1:13:03.000 --> 1:13:04.280
<v Speaker 2>and that also works really well.

1:13:04.520 --> 1:13:06.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and any question I always say to be any

1:13:06.360 --> 1:13:08.960
<v Speaker 1>question you are going to ask someone else, make sure

1:13:08.960 --> 1:13:11.160
<v Speaker 1>you know the answer to you totally right, because I

1:13:11.200 --> 1:13:13.280
<v Speaker 1>think so often we ask a question and they'll be like,

1:13:13.320 --> 1:13:15.599
<v Speaker 1>well what about you, You're like and you're like, uh,

1:13:16.640 --> 1:13:18.479
<v Speaker 1>you know, and so be ready to answer.

1:13:18.800 --> 1:13:20.519
<v Speaker 2>I also like, I just want to make like a

1:13:20.560 --> 1:13:23.320
<v Speaker 2>push here if someone's willing to be brave, which is

1:13:23.800 --> 1:13:26.120
<v Speaker 2>we are more interesting and exciting when we do exciting,

1:13:26.120 --> 1:13:30.000
<v Speaker 2>interesting things. This means getting off social media, This means

1:13:30.080 --> 1:13:32.920
<v Speaker 2>not watching the show everyone else is watching. This means

1:13:33.000 --> 1:13:35.559
<v Speaker 2>getting up and trying different things. And so I also

1:13:35.680 --> 1:13:38.760
<v Speaker 2>like a little side like just like I just want

1:13:38.760 --> 1:13:41.400
<v Speaker 2>to like share what the world is like. May we

1:13:41.479 --> 1:13:44.600
<v Speaker 2>all be always working on something a little exciting or

1:13:44.640 --> 1:13:47.880
<v Speaker 2>a little interesting for ourselves. And if the side benefit

1:13:47.960 --> 1:13:51.240
<v Speaker 2>is we have great conversations. Great when you become known

1:13:51.280 --> 1:13:55.080
<v Speaker 2>for asking these questions, you also inspire others to do

1:13:55.280 --> 1:13:57.800
<v Speaker 2>something a little bit courageous. And so, for example, I

1:13:57.800 --> 1:13:59.880
<v Speaker 2>have a friend that always always, whenever we get together,

1:13:59.880 --> 1:14:02.720
<v Speaker 2>he always asks what are you learning? And the first

1:14:02.720 --> 1:14:05.479
<v Speaker 2>time he asked me that question, I was like, I

1:14:05.560 --> 1:14:09.519
<v Speaker 2>was like, I'm learning to survive with my kids. But

1:14:09.760 --> 1:14:12.439
<v Speaker 2>now I know he's going to ask you that question.

1:14:12.520 --> 1:14:14.920
<v Speaker 2>You know what, I'll be darned. I learned something every

1:14:14.920 --> 1:14:17.000
<v Speaker 2>time before I see him. Yeah, like I will go

1:14:17.080 --> 1:14:18.920
<v Speaker 2>find something to learn. And you know what, that makes

1:14:19.040 --> 1:14:22.639
<v Speaker 2>me better? Yes, Like he had the courage to ask

1:14:22.680 --> 1:14:24.400
<v Speaker 2>me that question for the first time and me not

1:14:24.520 --> 1:14:26.680
<v Speaker 2>have a good answer, and he rescued me.

1:14:26.720 --> 1:14:28.200
<v Speaker 3>He talked about what he was learning.

1:14:28.760 --> 1:14:31.599
<v Speaker 2>But now I am better for that question because I

1:14:31.640 --> 1:14:33.720
<v Speaker 2>want to learn something every time I see him. And

1:14:33.760 --> 1:14:36.320
<v Speaker 2>speaking of work, I noticed, so my team is all

1:14:36.320 --> 1:14:38.320
<v Speaker 2>over the world. Yeah, he signed the people team. We're

1:14:38.360 --> 1:14:40.240
<v Speaker 2>all over the world. And I notice that we have

1:14:40.280 --> 1:14:43.320
<v Speaker 2>a team call virtually on Tuesdays. I noticed that like

1:14:43.360 --> 1:14:46.320
<v Speaker 2>the first five minutes of our call was like this,

1:14:46.479 --> 1:14:50.280
<v Speaker 2>like kind of small talk, like a little bit negative,

1:14:51.000 --> 1:14:52.880
<v Speaker 2>kind of awkward, and so I thought, you know what,

1:14:52.920 --> 1:14:55.080
<v Speaker 2>We're going to have a new routine that the moment

1:14:55.160 --> 1:14:56.800
<v Speaker 2>we get on the call, we all share tell me

1:14:56.800 --> 1:15:00.280
<v Speaker 2>something good. And so our team meeting always to tell

1:15:00.280 --> 1:15:01.840
<v Speaker 2>me to be able. We go around and everyone shares

1:15:01.880 --> 1:15:04.240
<v Speaker 2>something good, something small, something big, And not only does

1:15:04.240 --> 1:15:06.360
<v Speaker 2>it make our team call so much more interesting because

1:15:06.400 --> 1:15:09.400
<v Speaker 2>I learn the most interesting things about my team, but

1:15:09.520 --> 1:15:11.880
<v Speaker 2>also one of my team members told me that Monday

1:15:12.000 --> 1:15:14.400
<v Speaker 2>is her do something good day because she wants to

1:15:14.400 --> 1:15:15.479
<v Speaker 2>have something good to share in the meeting.

1:15:16.000 --> 1:15:17.840
<v Speaker 3>So like, be the person known for it.

1:15:18.120 --> 1:15:20.559
<v Speaker 2>Like do an icebreaker and your team meetings, I said,

1:15:20.600 --> 1:15:23.360
<v Speaker 2>on an icebreaker every Monday my newsletter. Every Monday, I

1:15:23.360 --> 1:15:27.280
<v Speaker 2>have a work appropriate, somewhat exciting, kind of interesting icebreaker

1:15:27.320 --> 1:15:29.639
<v Speaker 2>that's a gift to you. So like, be the person

1:15:29.680 --> 1:15:32.000
<v Speaker 2>known for bringing those icebreakers. And people want my grumble

1:15:32.080 --> 1:15:33.559
<v Speaker 2>and might well their eyes, but you know what, secretly

1:15:33.560 --> 1:15:35.600
<v Speaker 2>they like it. Yeah, of course they like it. And

1:15:35.600 --> 1:15:37.040
<v Speaker 2>if they know they're not your person, yea.

1:15:37.680 --> 1:15:39.519
<v Speaker 1>What was this? Do you know what? You give me

1:15:39.560 --> 1:15:40.120
<v Speaker 1>some of the cues?

1:15:40.439 --> 1:15:42.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, So like I always try to think of something

1:15:42.080 --> 1:15:43.720
<v Speaker 2>that's like breaking a script in a little interesting So

1:15:43.720 --> 1:15:45.880
<v Speaker 2>like I think that this week was are you an introvert,

1:15:45.880 --> 1:15:49.080
<v Speaker 2>ambrovert or extrovert? Got it very helpful, by the way,

1:15:49.360 --> 1:15:51.599
<v Speaker 2>Like you should know in your friend group and your

1:15:51.600 --> 1:15:54.759
<v Speaker 2>work team who is an introvert, extrovert or ambrovert because

1:15:54.800 --> 1:15:59.160
<v Speaker 2>introverts get energy from being alone, and especially at.

1:15:59.080 --> 1:16:01.759
<v Speaker 3>Work, they are are more creative alone.

1:16:02.760 --> 1:16:04.719
<v Speaker 2>So the worst thing you can do in an introvert

1:16:04.760 --> 1:16:07.599
<v Speaker 2>is have a brainstorm meeting where you don't tell them

1:16:07.600 --> 1:16:09.280
<v Speaker 2>what you're brainstorming. So you bring them into the room

1:16:09.479 --> 1:16:11.880
<v Speaker 2>and you're like, okay, guys, let's brainstorm all the big

1:16:11.920 --> 1:16:12.880
<v Speaker 2>ideas for next year.

1:16:13.160 --> 1:16:15.519
<v Speaker 3>And they're like they're trying to think in their head.

1:16:15.760 --> 1:16:18.320
<v Speaker 2>If you would just give them a little warning beforehand,

1:16:18.320 --> 1:16:20.880
<v Speaker 2>they would come very prepared. So you should know who

1:16:20.920 --> 1:16:24.559
<v Speaker 2>needs that warning time. Extroverts get energy from being with people.

1:16:24.760 --> 1:16:27.240
<v Speaker 2>Now at work, how this shows up is if an

1:16:27.240 --> 1:16:30.000
<v Speaker 2>extrovert has a good day, they want to celebrate with people,

1:16:30.240 --> 1:16:31.519
<v Speaker 2>They want to hop on a call, they want to

1:16:31.520 --> 1:16:33.400
<v Speaker 2>pop by your office, they want to chitchat your ear off.

1:16:33.720 --> 1:16:36.479
<v Speaker 2>Good to know if they have a bad day, they

1:16:36.520 --> 1:16:38.880
<v Speaker 2>also want to call you to chat or stop by

1:16:38.880 --> 1:16:41.439
<v Speaker 2>your office, And so you need to know who's their person.

1:16:42.200 --> 1:16:44.640
<v Speaker 2>It shouldn't be an introvert. And so this is like

1:16:44.680 --> 1:16:47.919
<v Speaker 2>pair the extroverts together, right, Like I have a wonderful

1:16:47.960 --> 1:16:49.680
<v Speaker 2>sales team and they are my extroverts.

1:16:49.880 --> 1:16:51.439
<v Speaker 3>And I'm no an extrovert. I'm an ambrovert.

1:16:51.439 --> 1:16:52.920
<v Speaker 2>And so they have a slack channel that I don't

1:16:52.920 --> 1:16:55.840
<v Speaker 2>even know how to logging to slack, so I can

1:16:56.600 --> 1:16:58.679
<v Speaker 2>I cannot slack. I don't know if it's a verb

1:16:58.800 --> 1:17:00.559
<v Speaker 2>or it's a noun, but I can't do it. But

1:17:00.600 --> 1:17:02.600
<v Speaker 2>they love it and they're all extroverts together, and so

1:17:02.640 --> 1:17:04.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, oh, be extroverts by salespeople.

1:17:04.920 --> 1:17:07.520
<v Speaker 3>Yes, so you should be very purposeful.

1:17:07.560 --> 1:17:09.800
<v Speaker 2>So that question, and what my readers have told me

1:17:09.840 --> 1:17:12.559
<v Speaker 2>is it's sparking these conversations of like how can I

1:17:12.640 --> 1:17:15.960
<v Speaker 2>serve you? Yes, Like you're an introvert. So if you're

1:17:16.000 --> 1:17:17.679
<v Speaker 2>having a bad day, do you on space?

1:17:17.720 --> 1:17:19.920
<v Speaker 3>Like introverts? If you give them bad news and then

1:17:19.920 --> 1:17:21.519
<v Speaker 3>you're like any questions.

1:17:21.880 --> 1:17:24.600
<v Speaker 2>I want to talk it through, They're like no, So

1:17:24.640 --> 1:17:26.120
<v Speaker 2>the best thing is like give them the bad news

1:17:26.160 --> 1:17:27.320
<v Speaker 2>and be like like why don't you take a day

1:17:27.400 --> 1:17:30.840
<v Speaker 2>or two? Will regroup on Thursday. So like just the

1:17:30.880 --> 1:17:33.000
<v Speaker 2>way that we communicate. If we just talk about it,

1:17:33.080 --> 1:17:34.920
<v Speaker 2>we're honoring everyone, We're serving everyone.

1:17:35.400 --> 1:17:37.280
<v Speaker 1>I've always struggled with that because everyone in my life

1:17:37.320 --> 1:17:38.240
<v Speaker 1>thinks I'm an extrovert.

1:17:38.320 --> 1:17:41.600
<v Speaker 3>I know, yeah, but I but I.

1:17:40.680 --> 1:17:44.439
<v Speaker 1>Get energy when I'm alone. I work on my own.

1:17:44.560 --> 1:17:46.760
<v Speaker 1>I don't like working groups and brainstorms and not worth.

1:17:47.080 --> 1:17:49.760
<v Speaker 1>I have to dive deep on my own. I like

1:17:49.840 --> 1:17:51.040
<v Speaker 1>dealing with problems on my own.

1:17:51.200 --> 1:17:51.720
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

1:17:51.800 --> 1:17:54.560
<v Speaker 1>So, but I'm not an introvert. I'm an ambivot Yeah.

1:17:54.600 --> 1:17:55.879
<v Speaker 1>Why what's the difference.

1:17:55.920 --> 1:17:58.559
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so eighty percent of people are ambroverts, so it's

1:17:58.600 --> 1:18:02.080
<v Speaker 2>actually most people. Very few people are true introversion to extroverts.

1:18:02.160 --> 1:18:05.120
<v Speaker 2>We don't talk about ambiversion enough. Ambiversion is a superpower.

1:18:05.760 --> 1:18:09.679
<v Speaker 2>Ambiversion means that around the right people you get energy,

1:18:09.920 --> 1:18:13.080
<v Speaker 2>and around the wrong people you lose energy. I'm in yeah,

1:18:13.400 --> 1:18:16.080
<v Speaker 2>and around the right situations you get energy. Okay, So

1:18:16.080 --> 1:18:18.320
<v Speaker 2>if you're an ambivert, it also means averts are able

1:18:18.360 --> 1:18:21.719
<v Speaker 2>to dial up. This is why oftentimes ammaverts are mistaken

1:18:21.760 --> 1:18:26.120
<v Speaker 2>as like outgoing introverts or like social introverts, which is

1:18:26.160 --> 1:18:28.519
<v Speaker 2>you can dial right, like you can dial for two hours,

1:18:28.520 --> 1:18:30.360
<v Speaker 2>but like if I go to a happy hour, and.

1:18:30.320 --> 1:18:32.439
<v Speaker 3>People always like, what are you talking about? Awkward?

1:18:32.880 --> 1:18:35.519
<v Speaker 2>They don't know that I spent two hours flat on

1:18:35.520 --> 1:18:36.519
<v Speaker 2>my back in the hotel room.

1:18:37.080 --> 1:18:37.760
<v Speaker 3>Do you know what I mean?

1:18:37.800 --> 1:18:40.680
<v Speaker 2>Like, they don't see the recharge process. Because ammaverts have

1:18:40.760 --> 1:18:42.559
<v Speaker 2>this power, we can dial up and we can mirror

1:18:42.600 --> 1:18:46.920
<v Speaker 2>and match. Ammaverts are usually highly empathetic. We are chameleons.

1:18:47.000 --> 1:18:50.200
<v Speaker 2>We are social chameleons. So ambaverts have this amazing skill

1:18:50.200 --> 1:18:53.240
<v Speaker 2>where they can dial up to match an extrovert energy.

1:18:53.479 --> 1:18:54.920
<v Speaker 2>They can be the life of the party if they

1:18:55.000 --> 1:18:57.479
<v Speaker 2>want to, but they also can have these beautiful, quiet

1:18:57.960 --> 1:19:00.880
<v Speaker 2>introvert conversations. But they need a lot of recharge time

1:19:01.040 --> 1:19:03.800
<v Speaker 2>in between. And so I say it's a superpower and

1:19:03.840 --> 1:19:06.960
<v Speaker 2>you just know how to what charges your social battery

1:19:07.080 --> 1:19:10.759
<v Speaker 2>more or less. I will say for ambroverts, our biggest

1:19:10.760 --> 1:19:16.479
<v Speaker 2>struggle is ambivalence. Extroverts can like everyone, They can find

1:19:16.520 --> 1:19:19.480
<v Speaker 2>something good about everyone. Even with a person who ish,

1:19:19.640 --> 1:19:21.559
<v Speaker 2>they can still get energy because they are fun.

1:19:22.000 --> 1:19:23.040
<v Speaker 1>I've got friends like that.

1:19:23.200 --> 1:19:25.360
<v Speaker 2>I have a friend who is dating right now and

1:19:25.600 --> 1:19:27.760
<v Speaker 2>she always says, you know, I never know on a

1:19:27.880 --> 1:19:31.320
<v Speaker 2>date if if we're having fun or I'm just fun.

1:19:32.920 --> 1:19:35.120
<v Speaker 1>I have a friend that I say, I'm like, you

1:19:35.200 --> 1:19:39.320
<v Speaker 1>could have dated or married anyone. Yes, because you'll just

1:19:39.360 --> 1:19:42.559
<v Speaker 1>for Madeline love. It'll make it good. You'll make any sense.

1:19:42.600 --> 1:19:44.599
<v Speaker 3>An extrovert struggle with this. She really struggles.

1:19:44.640 --> 1:19:46.599
<v Speaker 2>She does like I don't know which one it is.

1:19:47.040 --> 1:19:52.080
<v Speaker 2>So that's extrovert. Ambroverts and introverts know who their toxic

1:19:52.080 --> 1:19:53.760
<v Speaker 2>people are. They are like if I'm not a heck,

1:19:53.880 --> 1:19:57.000
<v Speaker 2>yes I'm not going. But ambiverts, we tend to be

1:19:57.000 --> 1:20:01.040
<v Speaker 2>more people pleasing, where we'll be like do I like

1:20:01.120 --> 1:20:01.759
<v Speaker 2>that person?

1:20:03.680 --> 1:20:04.439
<v Speaker 3>Do they like me?

1:20:05.439 --> 1:20:07.920
<v Speaker 2>We often have people on our calendar where we look

1:20:07.920 --> 1:20:11.479
<v Speaker 2>at it and we're like, we tend to have friends

1:20:11.520 --> 1:20:14.040
<v Speaker 2>out of habit. Yeah, like they've just been friends for

1:20:14.080 --> 1:20:17.280
<v Speaker 2>like a long time, and we like default the friendship,

1:20:17.280 --> 1:20:19.559
<v Speaker 2>but actually the friendship we're not like getting a lot

1:20:19.600 --> 1:20:21.880
<v Speaker 2>of energy. We're not giving or getting a lot of energy.

1:20:22.240 --> 1:20:24.960
<v Speaker 2>So it's really important for ambroverts, if this is you listening,

1:20:25.600 --> 1:20:28.920
<v Speaker 2>don't be ambivalent about your relationships. Ambivalent relationships actually take

1:20:28.960 --> 1:20:31.360
<v Speaker 2>way more out of you than toxic relationships. When you

1:20:31.400 --> 1:20:33.960
<v Speaker 2>look at your calendar and you see precious social time

1:20:33.960 --> 1:20:36.720
<v Speaker 2>being given to someone who's like meh, you come back

1:20:36.760 --> 1:20:38.880
<v Speaker 2>a little drained, you come back a little more tired.

1:20:39.160 --> 1:20:42.400
<v Speaker 2>It makes you not believe in relationship. Yeah, And so

1:20:42.479 --> 1:20:45.440
<v Speaker 2>I would rather you feel heck yes about someone than ambivalent.

1:20:46.000 --> 1:20:48.519
<v Speaker 2>And that's a curse of ambiverts. The only curse of

1:20:48.520 --> 1:20:51.920
<v Speaker 2>our kryptonite to our superpower is we can sometimes let

1:20:51.920 --> 1:20:54.640
<v Speaker 2>a relationship go that really shouldn't.

1:20:54.240 --> 1:20:57.480
<v Speaker 1>Be as and you allow for it to continue, Yeah.

1:20:57.120 --> 1:20:59.040
<v Speaker 2>Because you don't know how to stop it and you

1:20:59.040 --> 1:21:01.559
<v Speaker 2>don't want to hurt their feeling. Yeah, And you wouldn't

1:21:01.600 --> 1:21:04.320
<v Speaker 2>know how to have a friendship breakup anyway. And you

1:21:04.400 --> 1:21:07.160
<v Speaker 2>also I think that sometimes amberverts aren't sure what's fun.

1:21:07.439 --> 1:21:08.920
<v Speaker 2>It's like the weird. I don't know if this is me,

1:21:09.040 --> 1:21:10.360
<v Speaker 2>Like I'm I don't know if this is just a

1:21:10.400 --> 1:21:11.800
<v Speaker 2>woman thing or not. I don't know if you have this.

1:21:12.600 --> 1:21:15.439
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes I do things and I'm like, am I having fun?

1:21:16.360 --> 1:21:18.479
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if it's like my age or but

1:21:18.600 --> 1:21:21.760
<v Speaker 2>I will do things that I've done before and I wonder, like,

1:21:21.920 --> 1:21:25.760
<v Speaker 2>is this fun? Was Netflix at home better? I don't know.

1:21:26.160 --> 1:21:27.920
<v Speaker 2>I think it's an Ambivert thing. That's something that I've

1:21:27.920 --> 1:21:31.559
<v Speaker 2>been sort of wrestling with of Like, sometimes I don't

1:21:31.560 --> 1:21:32.439
<v Speaker 2>even know what fun is.

1:21:33.080 --> 1:21:34.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, no, No, I want to react to There's two

1:21:34.880 --> 1:21:37.479
<v Speaker 1>thoughts that came to mind to the first part you

1:21:37.520 --> 1:21:40.679
<v Speaker 1>talked about. I always like to remind people that there's

1:21:40.720 --> 1:21:43.759
<v Speaker 1>two ways of growing in a friendship. There's growing together

1:21:44.360 --> 1:21:48.240
<v Speaker 1>and there's growing apart. To notice how they both say

1:21:48.280 --> 1:21:51.920
<v Speaker 1>growing right. But when we're growing apart, we think we

1:21:52.000 --> 1:21:54.760
<v Speaker 1>lost something or we think it ended, or we think

1:21:54.800 --> 1:21:57.160
<v Speaker 1>we failed, and it's like, no, that was growth too,

1:21:58.040 --> 1:21:59.880
<v Speaker 1>and there was growing together. But we think of you

1:22:00.040 --> 1:22:02.679
<v Speaker 1>growing together, then it's going right. And if you're growing apart,

1:22:02.720 --> 1:22:05.920
<v Speaker 1>it's going wrong and it's like, no, there's growth. And

1:22:05.960 --> 1:22:07.840
<v Speaker 1>so I always like to remind myself that. But to

1:22:07.880 --> 1:22:12.400
<v Speaker 1>your other point, I think it's because time has become

1:22:12.439 --> 1:22:16.800
<v Speaker 1>more valuable and our self awareness has risen at the

1:22:16.800 --> 1:22:18.880
<v Speaker 1>same time as we value time. So I'm the same.

1:22:19.400 --> 1:22:23.640
<v Speaker 1>I now find it much more frustrating to watch a

1:22:23.720 --> 1:22:27.040
<v Speaker 1>bad show in the evening and feel like I wasted

1:22:27.600 --> 1:22:30.960
<v Speaker 1>three hours of my evening than I ever did before.

1:22:31.479 --> 1:22:33.240
<v Speaker 1>So I don't know if it's an umbivert thing or

1:22:33.280 --> 1:22:35.880
<v Speaker 1>a person or an age thing, or I just know

1:22:35.960 --> 1:22:37.880
<v Speaker 1>that I'm like like me and my wife went back

1:22:37.920 --> 1:22:39.400
<v Speaker 1>and forth on that. A couple of years ago, I

1:22:39.400 --> 1:22:41.640
<v Speaker 1>was just like, I'm not getting anything out of this.

1:22:42.680 --> 1:22:44.320
<v Speaker 1>If we want to do something together, I want to

1:22:44.320 --> 1:22:46.680
<v Speaker 1>do something that helps us connect and go deep. Or

1:22:46.800 --> 1:22:49.559
<v Speaker 1>I'd rather go read and work, to be honest, because

1:22:49.560 --> 1:22:51.760
<v Speaker 1>I'd get so much more out of that than i

1:22:51.760 --> 1:22:54.240
<v Speaker 1>would have sitting here and watching nothing.

1:22:54.600 --> 1:22:58.120
<v Speaker 2>Yes, yess, it's a great show obviously, of course, and

1:22:58.400 --> 1:23:01.759
<v Speaker 2>that's magic. And so I think that, like I'm having

1:23:01.880 --> 1:23:04.120
<v Speaker 2>a personal struggle with this right now where I have

1:23:04.479 --> 1:23:07.679
<v Speaker 2>some beautiful friendships, but sometimes I'm having conversation and I'm

1:23:07.840 --> 1:23:11.679
<v Speaker 2>wondering if we're getting anywhere. Yeah, which is I feel bad.

1:23:11.720 --> 1:23:14.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm like I don't want to be productive in a friendship,

1:23:14.040 --> 1:23:17.519
<v Speaker 2>but like I want to like like figure each other out,

1:23:17.640 --> 1:23:20.240
<v Speaker 2>or like let's be laughing or I and so sometimes

1:23:20.240 --> 1:23:23.479
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, where are we going? Yes, And I don't

1:23:23.520 --> 1:23:25.800
<v Speaker 2>know what that is. But it's been a little bit

1:23:25.840 --> 1:23:28.639
<v Speaker 2>of a challenge. And I'm also a working mom, and

1:23:28.720 --> 1:23:32.599
<v Speaker 2>so I think sometimes I.

1:23:31.600 --> 1:23:33.040
<v Speaker 3>There's like less me two moments.

1:23:33.160 --> 1:23:36.639
<v Speaker 2>Yes, sometimes unless you're also a working mom. And then

1:23:36.680 --> 1:23:39.280
<v Speaker 2>I feel lonely, So like I think this is a

1:23:39.320 --> 1:23:40.040
<v Speaker 2>work in progress.

1:23:40.120 --> 1:23:42.880
<v Speaker 1>No, that's really interesting because I think it's for people

1:23:42.920 --> 1:23:47.920
<v Speaker 1>who've optimized all areas of their life. Me. Yes, there's

1:23:48.000 --> 1:23:52.200
<v Speaker 1>also a sign of I'm looking for optimization. But the

1:23:52.240 --> 1:23:54.360
<v Speaker 1>way you just explained it, which I love, is what

1:23:54.400 --> 1:23:58.439
<v Speaker 1>we're ultimately doing is looking for new states of belonging. Yeah.

1:23:58.479 --> 1:23:59.719
<v Speaker 1>So what I was saying to one of my friends

1:23:59.760 --> 1:24:03.040
<v Speaker 1>the other I said, my oldest friends in London will

1:24:03.080 --> 1:24:05.840
<v Speaker 1>always be my best friends. There is never going to

1:24:05.880 --> 1:24:09.799
<v Speaker 1>be someone who knows me that deeply, intimately or as long. Yeah,

1:24:09.840 --> 1:24:12.800
<v Speaker 1>but I need a new set of friends that have

1:24:13.120 --> 1:24:16.439
<v Speaker 1>similar lives to me today because I have different me

1:24:16.560 --> 1:24:19.360
<v Speaker 1>toos now, using your language, I have different me twos

1:24:19.439 --> 1:24:22.639
<v Speaker 1>with them that I can't have with my old friends.

1:24:23.080 --> 1:24:25.160
<v Speaker 1>And so it's not a replacement or a substitute, but

1:24:25.200 --> 1:24:27.880
<v Speaker 1>it is finding people that I feel. We both have

1:24:27.920 --> 1:24:29.680
<v Speaker 1>podcasts and we can talk about all the challenges that

1:24:29.680 --> 1:24:32.479
<v Speaker 1>come with the podcast week. We both travel the world

1:24:32.560 --> 1:24:35.080
<v Speaker 1>too much and you know whatever, and I need to

1:24:35.120 --> 1:24:37.120
<v Speaker 1>have someone that I can vent about those things and

1:24:37.200 --> 1:24:38.160
<v Speaker 1>talk about those things.

1:24:38.240 --> 1:24:41.599
<v Speaker 2>Yes, so thin that's like the challenge of modern friendship.

1:24:42.360 --> 1:24:44.599
<v Speaker 2>I also think it's the challenge of dating right now.

1:24:44.880 --> 1:24:49.360
<v Speaker 2>Do you date someone who is exactly your same or

1:24:49.400 --> 1:24:51.559
<v Speaker 2>do you date someone where you have shared values but

1:24:51.560 --> 1:24:54.679
<v Speaker 2>you're very different. And I think that's a real challenge

1:24:54.720 --> 1:24:56.839
<v Speaker 2>in friendship too, And I don't know the answer.

1:24:57.160 --> 1:25:00.759
<v Speaker 1>I've found great relationships to not having the same exact value.

1:25:00.760 --> 1:25:03.840
<v Speaker 1>I do think it's very rare to truly have the

1:25:03.880 --> 1:25:07.479
<v Speaker 1>same exact values. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because push comes to shove,

1:25:07.520 --> 1:25:09.160
<v Speaker 1>you're going to choose something over the other.

1:25:09.439 --> 1:25:09.919
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

1:25:10.000 --> 1:25:12.680
<v Speaker 1>But I've found that the best relationships I have are

1:25:12.680 --> 1:25:16.280
<v Speaker 1>with people who respect my values and I respect theirs.

1:25:16.680 --> 1:25:19.559
<v Speaker 1>That's it, So we don't even have to agree. But

1:25:19.760 --> 1:25:24.200
<v Speaker 1>I really value that your value makes you you, and

1:25:24.280 --> 1:25:27.280
<v Speaker 1>so I respect it. Yes, and you value that my

1:25:27.400 --> 1:25:30.040
<v Speaker 1>value makes me me, and you respect it. And that

1:25:30.120 --> 1:25:33.000
<v Speaker 1>allows us to operate in our own universe and world

1:25:33.640 --> 1:25:35.600
<v Speaker 1>but have a mutual sense of appreciation.

1:25:36.200 --> 1:25:38.040
<v Speaker 2>And that also brings up a point of like I

1:25:38.080 --> 1:25:40.559
<v Speaker 2>think that we should be. One of my favorite motions

1:25:40.560 --> 1:25:43.200
<v Speaker 2>that we don't talk about enough is aw yes, if

1:25:43.240 --> 1:25:46.760
<v Speaker 2>you respect someone else's value, like hopefully you could even

1:25:46.760 --> 1:25:48.920
<v Speaker 2>be odd by it. Like I have friends who have

1:25:48.920 --> 1:25:52.400
<v Speaker 2>an incredible work ethic. Do I don't work that hard?

1:25:52.640 --> 1:25:52.760
<v Speaker 1>Right?

1:25:52.840 --> 1:25:54.639
<v Speaker 3>Like I work, but like I do.

1:25:54.640 --> 1:25:56.160
<v Speaker 2>A lot with my family. Like I spend a lot

1:25:56.160 --> 1:25:57.680
<v Speaker 2>of time onmmy. Most of my time in the week,

1:25:57.720 --> 1:25:59.320
<v Speaker 2>I only spend about fifteen hours a week working. The

1:25:59.320 --> 1:26:03.040
<v Speaker 2>rest of my work is mommy. But I so respect

1:26:03.120 --> 1:26:05.759
<v Speaker 2>my friends who just they just kill it. They're always

1:26:05.800 --> 1:26:08.000
<v Speaker 2>working and there's a little bit of odd there. I'm like, wow,

1:26:08.200 --> 1:26:11.000
<v Speaker 2>Like you're just killing it. So I think that, like

1:26:11.240 --> 1:26:15.120
<v Speaker 2>it's who can create awe for you. Yeah, where they're

1:26:15.160 --> 1:26:18.839
<v Speaker 2>so kind that you're odd by them. They're so driven

1:26:18.960 --> 1:26:22.160
<v Speaker 2>that you're odd by them. They're so warm that you're

1:26:22.200 --> 1:26:23.599
<v Speaker 2>odd by them. And so I think that, like that's

1:26:23.600 --> 1:26:24.920
<v Speaker 2>a good way to think of it. Is it's not

1:26:25.120 --> 1:26:27.920
<v Speaker 2>the same. It's that you respect them enough and you

1:26:27.960 --> 1:26:30.120
<v Speaker 2>have some meat too moments of course, but like you

1:26:30.160 --> 1:26:31.839
<v Speaker 2>can have a little bit of on all your relationships,

1:26:31.880 --> 1:26:34.360
<v Speaker 2>even like in my marriage, I do conversation starter with

1:26:34.360 --> 1:26:37.040
<v Speaker 2>my husband all the time. And one of the ones

1:26:37.040 --> 1:26:39.439
<v Speaker 2>we did recently was in my newsletter, which is who is.

1:26:39.439 --> 1:26:42.160
<v Speaker 3>Your role model? Which is different than who is your hero?

1:26:42.720 --> 1:26:45.479
<v Speaker 2>Like hero is like more of like a like idolizing them,

1:26:45.720 --> 1:26:47.360
<v Speaker 2>whereas like a role model is someone that you maybe

1:26:47.400 --> 1:26:50.360
<v Speaker 2>aspire to be like. And he said me, and I

1:26:50.400 --> 1:26:53.760
<v Speaker 2>was like what why, and he was like, you know,

1:26:53.840 --> 1:26:56.280
<v Speaker 2>you just you're you're you're you, and I love that

1:26:56.320 --> 1:26:57.920
<v Speaker 2>about you. And I was like, wow, like this, it's

1:26:57.960 --> 1:27:00.640
<v Speaker 2>so important that we're odd by our partners. And so

1:27:00.720 --> 1:27:02.920
<v Speaker 2>when you're dating, I think a good little litmus test

1:27:02.920 --> 1:27:05.639
<v Speaker 2>for yourself is am I inspired by this person?

1:27:06.240 --> 1:27:06.360
<v Speaker 1>Like?

1:27:06.400 --> 1:27:08.200
<v Speaker 2>Am I in awe of who they are or what

1:27:08.280 --> 1:27:10.799
<v Speaker 2>they do or what they believe? Because if the answer

1:27:10.880 --> 1:27:13.960
<v Speaker 2>is yes, that's a keeper, Like, that's a keeper. It's

1:27:14.000 --> 1:27:17.679
<v Speaker 2>more important than a checklist. Oh my ladies listening. I look,

1:27:17.800 --> 1:27:18.880
<v Speaker 2>I know we love.

1:27:18.760 --> 1:27:22.000
<v Speaker 3>A checklist, but those checklists don't always serve us.

1:27:22.120 --> 1:27:25.840
<v Speaker 1>Oh, definitely not. Those those are parameters are blocking people,

1:27:25.880 --> 1:27:27.280
<v Speaker 1>Like he has to be six foot four, and it's

1:27:27.280 --> 1:27:28.840
<v Speaker 1>like you could have a six foot three guy who

1:27:28.880 --> 1:27:32.400
<v Speaker 1>is perfect, but the filter has kept him out. Yeah.

1:27:32.400 --> 1:27:36.120
<v Speaker 3>I think like maybe like lovingly burn the checklist.

1:27:36.200 --> 1:27:40.240
<v Speaker 2>Yes, it's like a scented candle, Like burn it because

1:27:40.240 --> 1:27:44.639
<v Speaker 2>I don't think it's serving, and then just go out.

1:27:44.520 --> 1:27:45.920
<v Speaker 3>And just you know, find your person.

1:27:46.120 --> 1:27:48.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Oh gosh, I wanted to talk a bit about

1:27:48.640 --> 1:27:51.479
<v Speaker 1>women in the workplace. Yeah, because I think and as

1:27:51.479 --> 1:27:54.000
<v Speaker 1>you just talked about, you know, being a working mom,

1:27:54.120 --> 1:27:56.439
<v Speaker 1>And I think about women in the workplace, and I

1:27:56.479 --> 1:28:01.400
<v Speaker 1>think about how cues and body language are very different

1:28:01.560 --> 1:28:04.519
<v Speaker 1>in how we perceive men and women. And whenever I

1:28:04.520 --> 1:28:07.439
<v Speaker 1>speak to women, they'll say, I get seen as being

1:28:07.479 --> 1:28:11.080
<v Speaker 1>difficult instead of being direct. Yeah, I'm seen as being

1:28:11.280 --> 1:28:15.280
<v Speaker 1>argumentative as opposed to being assertive. I'm seen as being

1:28:15.760 --> 1:28:21.160
<v Speaker 1>moody as opposed to just having a failed, rejected day

1:28:21.240 --> 1:28:23.960
<v Speaker 1>or whatever would have happened. And I feel like the

1:28:24.080 --> 1:28:28.080
<v Speaker 1>standards are different. What does a woman do when she

1:28:28.240 --> 1:28:31.840
<v Speaker 1>feels that her directness is being seen as difficulty.

1:28:32.200 --> 1:28:35.120
<v Speaker 2>So women are actually facing two challenges in the workplace today.

1:28:35.280 --> 1:28:37.280
<v Speaker 2>One is exactly what we said, that we can be

1:28:37.320 --> 1:28:40.679
<v Speaker 2>seen as bossy or dominant when we're actually just stating

1:28:40.680 --> 1:28:41.760
<v Speaker 2>our point of view.

1:28:41.880 --> 1:28:43.200
<v Speaker 3>Assertiveness is bossiness.

1:28:43.560 --> 1:28:46.280
<v Speaker 2>But on the other hand, we're also struggling with being

1:28:46.320 --> 1:28:51.160
<v Speaker 2>too likable, being interrupted, being underestimated, being too soft. And

1:28:51.200 --> 1:28:53.240
<v Speaker 2>so we actually have two sides that we're trying to wait.

1:28:53.280 --> 1:28:56.439
<v Speaker 2>We have this very narrow valley we're allowed to operate in. Right,

1:28:56.600 --> 1:28:58.360
<v Speaker 2>can't be too friendly, can't be too smiling, can't be

1:28:58.360 --> 1:29:00.599
<v Speaker 2>too likable because won't we taken seriously? Oh, but can't

1:29:00.600 --> 1:29:02.320
<v Speaker 2>be too a sort of can't be too Domino El

1:29:02.320 --> 1:29:05.479
<v Speaker 2>Specienes bossy. So we had this super narrow lane with

1:29:05.520 --> 1:29:07.640
<v Speaker 2>which we can operate in. So what I think is

1:29:07.760 --> 1:29:10.679
<v Speaker 2>really really important is focusing on the two traits that matter.

1:29:10.720 --> 1:29:12.479
<v Speaker 2>These are the only two traits that matter, which are

1:29:12.600 --> 1:29:16.760
<v Speaker 2>warmth and competence. When we are with someone whose signals

1:29:16.960 --> 1:29:20.200
<v Speaker 2>you can trust me, you can like me. I am

1:29:20.439 --> 1:29:24.480
<v Speaker 2>open to you, and you can rely on me. I'm productive,

1:29:24.640 --> 1:29:29.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm capable. Those are in that valley and they are

1:29:29.120 --> 1:29:31.639
<v Speaker 2>the most important signals that you can have in anything.

1:29:31.840 --> 1:29:35.120
<v Speaker 2>Video calls slack, your LinkedIn profile and so I wanted

1:29:35.240 --> 1:29:36.519
<v Speaker 2>this is a really weird challenge. I want you to

1:29:36.560 --> 1:29:39.280
<v Speaker 2>start with. We have the power of AI. Now, this

1:29:39.320 --> 1:29:41.800
<v Speaker 2>is a new thing that has just come up. I

1:29:41.880 --> 1:29:44.360
<v Speaker 2>want you to open up your favorite AI tool, and

1:29:44.400 --> 1:29:46.640
<v Speaker 2>I want to do two things. I want you to

1:29:46.680 --> 1:29:49.160
<v Speaker 2>copy and paste your LinkedIn profile. I want you to

1:29:49.160 --> 1:29:52.200
<v Speaker 2>put it in AI and ask AI, how warm and

1:29:52.280 --> 1:29:57.160
<v Speaker 2>competent am I. What's incredible is the warmth and competence

1:29:57.200 --> 1:29:58.840
<v Speaker 2>research that came out of Princeton, which is done by

1:29:58.880 --> 1:30:01.040
<v Speaker 2>doctor Susan Fisk. It was done in two thousand and

1:30:01.080 --> 1:30:03.240
<v Speaker 2>two and it's been replicated. It's a very solid piece

1:30:03.240 --> 1:30:06.920
<v Speaker 2>of research. AI models are trained in it. They know

1:30:06.960 --> 1:30:10.599
<v Speaker 2>about warmth and competence. So put it in AI. Ask

1:30:10.920 --> 1:30:13.200
<v Speaker 2>how am I coming across warmer competent? AI will tell

1:30:13.240 --> 1:30:15.920
<v Speaker 2>you based on the words you use. Then ask it,

1:30:16.280 --> 1:30:18.360
<v Speaker 2>make it more warm and competent, and just see what

1:30:18.439 --> 1:30:20.519
<v Speaker 2>they change. Then what I want you to do is

1:30:20.600 --> 1:30:24.400
<v Speaker 2>take five important emails that you've recently sent. What we

1:30:24.439 --> 1:30:26.760
<v Speaker 2>don't realize is our cues are changing the way people

1:30:26.800 --> 1:30:29.680
<v Speaker 2>treat us. So the types of words you use in

1:30:29.720 --> 1:30:33.760
<v Speaker 2>your emails are changing people's perception of your bossiness or

1:30:34.240 --> 1:30:38.000
<v Speaker 2>I would say over over friendliness. Take five emails you

1:30:38.000 --> 1:30:40.639
<v Speaker 2>spent some time crafting, put them into AI and ask AI,

1:30:41.040 --> 1:30:44.200
<v Speaker 2>how warm am I? How competent am I? How could

1:30:44.200 --> 1:30:46.240
<v Speaker 2>I have done better? We can use AI as a

1:30:46.320 --> 1:30:50.760
<v Speaker 2>charisma coach, and it is incredibly helpful to see are

1:30:50.840 --> 1:30:54.160
<v Speaker 2>you leaking? Are you showing cues of warmth and competence?

1:30:54.479 --> 1:30:57.400
<v Speaker 2>Just verbally like forget in person, like forget the nonverbal.

1:30:57.560 --> 1:30:59.679
<v Speaker 2>We have to start with the email first. That will

1:30:59.680 --> 1:31:03.639
<v Speaker 2>be a really important test. Right off the bat, see

1:31:03.680 --> 1:31:05.200
<v Speaker 2>what it says and it will tell you, Oh, you're

1:31:05.280 --> 1:31:08.559
<v Speaker 2>leaning far warm. So, for example, in our research, we

1:31:08.600 --> 1:31:11.120
<v Speaker 2>have students who are off the charts in warmth. They

1:31:11.160 --> 1:31:16.040
<v Speaker 2>love emojis. Okay, my highly warm folks, Oh my goodness.

1:31:16.240 --> 1:31:20.599
<v Speaker 2>They love emojis and exclamation points, and they love words

1:31:20.680 --> 1:31:26.080
<v Speaker 2>like yay, fab whoop, and wow. Okay, these are my

1:31:26.240 --> 1:31:29.400
<v Speaker 2>I know when I can read emails from a person

1:31:29.400 --> 1:31:31.639
<v Speaker 2>and be like, this person highly warm, and they're interrupted

1:31:31.640 --> 1:31:34.280
<v Speaker 2>in meetings. This person is highly warm and they're not

1:31:34.320 --> 1:31:37.400
<v Speaker 2>taken seriously. This person is highly warm and they're getting

1:31:37.400 --> 1:31:40.599
<v Speaker 2>pushed back on their salary range. This person is highly

1:31:40.640 --> 1:31:42.360
<v Speaker 2>warm and they are not be seen as credible in

1:31:42.400 --> 1:31:44.720
<v Speaker 2>their interviews. I can look at your emails and I

1:31:44.720 --> 1:31:47.320
<v Speaker 2>can tell you what professional challenges you're facing, and so

1:31:47.360 --> 1:31:50.160
<v Speaker 2>can you. Highly competent folks, on the other hand, they

1:31:50.280 --> 1:31:52.320
<v Speaker 2>under exclaim they don't use a lot of emojis, and

1:31:52.360 --> 1:31:54.680
<v Speaker 2>they love data percents, numbers and figures.

1:31:55.040 --> 1:31:55.840
<v Speaker 3>They love those.

1:31:56.080 --> 1:31:59.360
<v Speaker 2>In fact, for a highly competent person, it's physically painful

1:31:59.400 --> 1:32:02.760
<v Speaker 2>to use a exclame point. It's like, oh, but it's

1:32:02.800 --> 1:32:06.479
<v Speaker 2>not credible. But you know what that means. You're undersignaling warmth.

1:32:07.479 --> 1:32:09.479
<v Speaker 2>It means if you are if you are too formal,

1:32:09.600 --> 1:32:12.479
<v Speaker 2>too sterile in your communications. That could be the reason

1:32:12.479 --> 1:32:14.880
<v Speaker 2>that people are like, oh, I do like she doesn't

1:32:14.880 --> 1:32:16.599
<v Speaker 2>give me a good feeling. I can't connect to her.

1:32:16.880 --> 1:32:20.240
<v Speaker 2>She's too dominant. And this comes directly from the research.

1:32:20.320 --> 1:32:22.320
<v Speaker 2>And this is a quote I remember that I don't

1:32:22.320 --> 1:32:25.519
<v Speaker 2>remember quotes often, but this quote struck me so deeply.

1:32:26.560 --> 1:32:32.840
<v Speaker 2>Competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious. Yes, this is

1:32:32.880 --> 1:32:36.519
<v Speaker 2>the curse of highly smart women. Highly smart women are

1:32:36.520 --> 1:32:39.320
<v Speaker 2>in the workplace and there they have great ideas, they

1:32:39.360 --> 1:32:42.800
<v Speaker 2>have super high competence, and they rely on their smarts.

1:32:43.040 --> 1:32:47.240
<v Speaker 2>They're like, my ideas are so strong, my prep my presentations,

1:32:47.640 --> 1:32:50.240
<v Speaker 2>I know my stuff. I don't need the warmth. My

1:32:50.320 --> 1:32:52.639
<v Speaker 2>ideas are so good they'll they'll live on their own.

1:32:53.240 --> 1:32:55.920
<v Speaker 2>But the research shows it doesn't matter how smart you are,

1:32:55.960 --> 1:32:58.120
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't matter how good your ideas are, it doesn't

1:32:58.160 --> 1:33:01.200
<v Speaker 2>matter how well prepared you are. I'm sorry if you

1:33:01.320 --> 1:33:04.840
<v Speaker 2>do not showcase it with warmth, people are suspicious of you.

1:33:05.200 --> 1:33:07.560
<v Speaker 2>Oh that's so good, and so we have to be

1:33:07.640 --> 1:33:10.480
<v Speaker 2>able to balance out our competence with our warmth, those ideas,

1:33:10.800 --> 1:33:12.519
<v Speaker 2>with the lubricant of warmth.

1:33:12.840 --> 1:33:15.800
<v Speaker 1>That is so good. That is so good and you're

1:33:15.840 --> 1:33:18.720
<v Speaker 1>so right that we all think we can compensate for

1:33:18.760 --> 1:33:21.400
<v Speaker 1>our lack of warmth with competence, that's it. Or we

1:33:21.439 --> 1:33:24.120
<v Speaker 1>can compensate for our lack of competence with warmth, right,

1:33:24.320 --> 1:33:27.599
<v Speaker 1>And the point is people won't respect or like you

1:33:27.680 --> 1:33:29.640
<v Speaker 1>based on They'll like you if you're warm, but they

1:33:29.640 --> 1:33:31.240
<v Speaker 1>won't respect and men.

1:33:31.200 --> 1:33:33.200
<v Speaker 3>Have the same problem. I think that women's valley is

1:33:33.280 --> 1:33:33.719
<v Speaker 3>just smaller.

1:33:33.840 --> 1:33:35.880
<v Speaker 1>I agree. I really like that, Yeah, that.

1:33:35.720 --> 1:33:38.040
<v Speaker 2>We just have a very narrow way to be and

1:33:38.080 --> 1:33:40.759
<v Speaker 2>like even sometimes like I do a lot of interviews

1:33:40.800 --> 1:33:43.800
<v Speaker 2>and I'm on you know, social media a lot, even

1:33:43.880 --> 1:33:47.240
<v Speaker 2>in my grid on Instagram, I am trying to balance

1:33:47.360 --> 1:33:50.360
<v Speaker 2>this very narrow lane of warmth and competence.

1:33:50.520 --> 1:33:53.480
<v Speaker 3>It's why I think so many, like women, we feel.

1:33:53.200 --> 1:33:56.680
<v Speaker 2>Like we have to share, like our breakfast, Like we

1:33:56.720 --> 1:33:58.680
<v Speaker 2>feel like we have to share because we're like.

1:33:58.640 --> 1:34:00.760
<v Speaker 3>Oh, I don't want to be too competent. I don't

1:34:00.760 --> 1:34:02.120
<v Speaker 3>want to be too smart on that.

1:34:02.160 --> 1:34:05.040
<v Speaker 2>Side, and so we also we compensate or try to

1:34:05.080 --> 1:34:07.519
<v Speaker 2>balance in the wrong ways. And so I would much

1:34:07.600 --> 1:34:09.800
<v Speaker 2>rather you take control of your interactions, right, we talk

1:34:09.840 --> 1:34:10.439
<v Speaker 2>about control.

1:34:10.600 --> 1:34:12.160
<v Speaker 3>That's the way we do. It is we know.

1:34:12.200 --> 1:34:14.639
<v Speaker 2>Okay, well, there's ninety seven cues, here's warm ones, here's

1:34:14.640 --> 1:34:17.520
<v Speaker 2>competent once. I'm gonna choose my recipe right, Like, I

1:34:17.560 --> 1:34:19.680
<v Speaker 2>look different than other women because I don't want to

1:34:19.760 --> 1:34:21.920
<v Speaker 2>use all the same cues, But I need to find

1:34:22.040 --> 1:34:23.960
<v Speaker 2>what's the recipe that I feel the most comfortable with.

1:34:23.960 --> 1:34:26.080
<v Speaker 2>What's the flavor of charisma that I like the most?

1:34:26.080 --> 1:34:27.720
<v Speaker 2>It makes me feel like myself.

1:34:28.920 --> 1:34:30.879
<v Speaker 1>That I mean, that is the recipe for respect.

1:34:30.960 --> 1:34:31.360
<v Speaker 3>That's it.

1:34:31.560 --> 1:34:34.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's as simple as that, and do everything we've

1:34:34.040 --> 1:34:38.439
<v Speaker 1>talked about today. What I deeply appreciate is that it's earned,

1:34:38.680 --> 1:34:43.240
<v Speaker 1>it's built, it's engineered, it's prepared for. It's not something

1:34:43.280 --> 1:34:46.360
<v Speaker 1>that someone just has and turns up with. Which is

1:34:46.439 --> 1:34:51.120
<v Speaker 1>this myth that I think makes people go, that's just special? Yeah?

1:34:51.160 --> 1:34:53.640
<v Speaker 2>And I like sometimes in my comments, I try not

1:34:53.680 --> 1:34:56.240
<v Speaker 2>to read comments, but sometimes my comments people say, you know,

1:34:56.560 --> 1:34:59.040
<v Speaker 2>just show up as yourself. You know this is this

1:34:59.120 --> 1:35:02.920
<v Speaker 2>is manipulative, this engineering. And I'm like, yeah, because if

1:35:02.960 --> 1:35:05.519
<v Speaker 2>you are lucky enough that you can show up and

1:35:05.560 --> 1:35:08.080
<v Speaker 2>just be charismatic, win friends, amazing.

1:35:08.439 --> 1:35:09.680
<v Speaker 3>I am so happy for you.

1:35:10.000 --> 1:35:12.280
<v Speaker 2>But most of us don't have that privilege, like I

1:35:12.479 --> 1:35:14.880
<v Speaker 2>do not, and so I think that, yeah, it is

1:35:14.880 --> 1:35:17.080
<v Speaker 2>a little bit engineered in the sense of if you

1:35:17.400 --> 1:35:20.720
<v Speaker 2>feel competent and you feel warm, you should know how

1:35:20.760 --> 1:35:24.040
<v Speaker 2>to showcase that. I often felt warm and felt competent,

1:35:24.160 --> 1:35:26.080
<v Speaker 2>but I had no idea how to show it. And

1:35:26.120 --> 1:35:27.720
<v Speaker 2>so I think that there is a rare bird of

1:35:27.760 --> 1:35:30.320
<v Speaker 2>magic people and they are amazing and we can learn

1:35:30.320 --> 1:35:33.240
<v Speaker 2>from them. But for most of us, it's just dialing

1:35:33.360 --> 1:35:36.000
<v Speaker 2>up our natural warmth and competence and just knowing how

1:35:36.040 --> 1:35:36.519
<v Speaker 2>to show it.

1:35:36.600 --> 1:35:39.080
<v Speaker 1>I want to remind people I think this stuff can

1:35:39.160 --> 1:35:44.720
<v Speaker 1>be used disingenuously. Oh yes, And it's only disingenuous if

1:35:44.760 --> 1:35:46.479
<v Speaker 1>it goes back to what we were talking about earlier,

1:35:46.479 --> 1:35:49.240
<v Speaker 1>where it shifts in the manipulation, it shifts to like

1:35:49.280 --> 1:35:52.320
<v Speaker 1>trying to get something out of something and extraction and lying.

1:35:52.400 --> 1:35:54.960
<v Speaker 2>And you know, this is my greatest fear, by the way. Yeah,

1:35:55.000 --> 1:35:59.280
<v Speaker 2>Like before I came out with Cues, especially, I had

1:35:59.320 --> 1:36:03.040
<v Speaker 2>like a like a life crisis because I started writing

1:36:03.040 --> 1:36:05.320
<v Speaker 2>the book and I was like, oh no, like this

1:36:05.360 --> 1:36:08.519
<v Speaker 2>could be used for evil, and like I had a

1:36:08.520 --> 1:36:10.519
<v Speaker 2>whole thing with my publisher where I was like, I

1:36:10.520 --> 1:36:13.320
<v Speaker 2>don't know if I should publish this, Like I don't

1:36:13.439 --> 1:36:17.479
<v Speaker 2>these are tools that people could use for bad and

1:36:17.600 --> 1:36:19.000
<v Speaker 2>I and she was like, yeah, but they could also

1:36:19.000 --> 1:36:21.040
<v Speaker 2>be used for good. And so I sat with my

1:36:21.120 --> 1:36:22.760
<v Speaker 2>team and I talked to them about it, and we

1:36:22.800 --> 1:36:26.680
<v Speaker 2>decided to move forward with it. Obviously, and you know,

1:36:26.720 --> 1:36:29.080
<v Speaker 2>it's changed so many people. But that is my biggest

1:36:29.120 --> 1:36:32.679
<v Speaker 2>fear is that people will use this for bad, not good.

1:36:32.720 --> 1:36:34.799
<v Speaker 2>And so it's really important I think for everyone listening

1:36:34.800 --> 1:36:38.200
<v Speaker 2>that if you have the intention to build friendships and

1:36:38.240 --> 1:36:40.080
<v Speaker 2>to find your people and to be warm.

1:36:40.120 --> 1:36:41.639
<v Speaker 3>That's why we started off with that word.

1:36:42.080 --> 1:36:45.120
<v Speaker 2>Whatever word, it is great, like that is your intention,

1:36:45.200 --> 1:36:47.400
<v Speaker 2>and that is only searching for good, and that should

1:36:47.400 --> 1:36:48.360
<v Speaker 2>always be our intention.

1:36:49.160 --> 1:36:53.040
<v Speaker 1>I love that, Vanessa. You are incredible. I think you

1:36:53.200 --> 1:36:57.160
<v Speaker 1>musterify go between cold and confidence. I can now we

1:36:57.360 --> 1:37:01.040
<v Speaker 1>spent two hours together. No, I mean it's I think

1:37:01.080 --> 1:37:03.120
<v Speaker 1>the work you're doing is amazing, and I think it's

1:37:03.120 --> 1:37:06.920
<v Speaker 1>so needed in a time when a lot of us

1:37:06.960 --> 1:37:10.840
<v Speaker 1>are dealing with low self esteem, low confidence. We think

1:37:10.920 --> 1:37:13.080
<v Speaker 1>everyone else is impressive and we're.

1:37:12.920 --> 1:37:17.040
<v Speaker 3>Not, and we're lonely and lonely, and we're underestimated.

1:37:17.200 --> 1:37:19.840
<v Speaker 1>Yes, and we look around and we think we're the

1:37:19.880 --> 1:37:24.720
<v Speaker 1>only one struggling when the reality is someone just had

1:37:24.760 --> 1:37:27.360
<v Speaker 1>the chance to develop a few of these skills, maybe

1:37:27.439 --> 1:37:30.400
<v Speaker 1>in a workplace, maybe in college, maybe their parents had

1:37:30.400 --> 1:37:34.599
<v Speaker 1>some of these naturally. And you don't have to feel

1:37:34.720 --> 1:37:37.120
<v Speaker 1>that what you have now is all you have.

1:37:37.360 --> 1:37:42.160
<v Speaker 2>That's it, And not everyone is going to be your flavor. Yeah,

1:37:42.240 --> 1:37:43.800
<v Speaker 2>you don't have to let everyone like you. In fact,

1:37:43.840 --> 1:37:44.200
<v Speaker 2>that doesn't.

1:37:44.200 --> 1:37:45.080
<v Speaker 3>It is impossible.

1:37:45.520 --> 1:37:49.240
<v Speaker 2>So I would rather you go into conversation finding your people,

1:37:49.400 --> 1:37:51.800
<v Speaker 2>the people who like your weirdness, the people who like

1:37:51.840 --> 1:37:54.840
<v Speaker 2>your awkwardness, the people who truly value your value.

1:37:54.680 --> 1:37:56.200
<v Speaker 3>And everyone else wish them well.

1:37:56.400 --> 1:37:58.800
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but like, life is too short to spend time

1:37:58.840 --> 1:38:00.559
<v Speaker 2>with people that we're ambivalent to about. Life is too

1:38:00.560 --> 1:38:02.960
<v Speaker 2>short to not say hey, like it's too short.

1:38:03.280 --> 1:38:06.599
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, absolutely, And it's there's this old meme that I

1:38:06.680 --> 1:38:12.120
<v Speaker 1>love that people post and it says, confidence isn't everyone

1:38:12.120 --> 1:38:15.920
<v Speaker 1>will like me confidences, I'll be okay if everyone doesn't,

1:38:16.040 --> 1:38:18.960
<v Speaker 1>that's it, and that I've always loved that because I

1:38:19.000 --> 1:38:22.080
<v Speaker 1>think we think confidence means, oh, everyone likes them, and

1:38:22.160 --> 1:38:25.559
<v Speaker 1>A that's not true for anyone at all, and B

1:38:25.760 --> 1:38:29.040
<v Speaker 1>it's no, I'll be okay if they don't, because I

1:38:29.080 --> 1:38:31.120
<v Speaker 1>know why I did that. I know why I showed

1:38:31.200 --> 1:38:33.840
<v Speaker 1>up that way. I know why I said hey because

1:38:33.880 --> 1:38:37.840
<v Speaker 1>life's too short. I know why I made eye contact

1:38:37.920 --> 1:38:40.400
<v Speaker 1>because I wanted to form a real connection. I know

1:38:40.479 --> 1:38:42.840
<v Speaker 1>why we went on a road trip because I wanted

1:38:42.840 --> 1:38:45.640
<v Speaker 1>to make sure that someone was not just being a

1:38:45.680 --> 1:38:48.320
<v Speaker 1>script and grew with me. Yeah, it's like I did

1:38:48.360 --> 1:38:49.960
<v Speaker 1>all of that, and I know why I did it,

1:38:50.360 --> 1:38:51.960
<v Speaker 1>even if it didn't go the way I wanted it

1:38:52.000 --> 1:38:54.679
<v Speaker 1>to go. Yeah, Vanessa, thank you so much for showing

1:38:54.760 --> 1:38:57.320
<v Speaker 1>up in your full self. We end every episode of

1:38:57.320 --> 1:38:59.680
<v Speaker 1>On Purpose with the final five. These have to be

1:38:59.680 --> 1:39:03.160
<v Speaker 1>answered in one word to one sentence maximum. You're not

1:39:03.200 --> 1:39:06.519
<v Speaker 1>going to overseerect Vanessa. Your first question is what is

1:39:06.560 --> 1:39:09.120
<v Speaker 1>the best advice you've ever heard or received?

1:39:10.200 --> 1:39:12.559
<v Speaker 3>Don't say yes to everything good advice.

1:39:13.080 --> 1:39:15.559
<v Speaker 1>Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever

1:39:15.560 --> 1:39:16.240
<v Speaker 1>heard or received?

1:39:17.280 --> 1:39:18.400
<v Speaker 3>Just be yourself.

1:39:19.600 --> 1:39:22.360
<v Speaker 1>Doesn't help me. It doesn't help Yeah, because especially you

1:39:22.400 --> 1:39:23.640
<v Speaker 1>don't even know what you're capable of.

1:39:24.000 --> 1:39:26.360
<v Speaker 2>When people would say that's me, what if you don't

1:39:26.400 --> 1:39:28.679
<v Speaker 2>like yourself? I had a long time where I didn't

1:39:28.720 --> 1:39:31.600
<v Speaker 2>like myself, So when someone said be yourself, that was

1:39:31.640 --> 1:39:33.280
<v Speaker 2>like the worst way to be and so I had

1:39:33.280 --> 1:39:36.240
<v Speaker 2>to figure out something else. And so I think that

1:39:36.240 --> 1:39:38.080
<v Speaker 2>that was hard. That was the worst advice because it

1:39:38.120 --> 1:39:38.880
<v Speaker 2>actually didn't help me.

1:39:39.560 --> 1:39:42.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I love the answer question number three, And you

1:39:42.400 --> 1:39:44.720
<v Speaker 1>can expand on this a bit, because I think it's

1:39:44.720 --> 1:39:47.920
<v Speaker 1>really important. I feel like right now we're losing a

1:39:48.000 --> 1:39:51.200
<v Speaker 1>lot of these cues because most of us are on

1:39:51.240 --> 1:39:55.240
<v Speaker 1>a dating app and we're messaging, so you don't even

1:39:55.360 --> 1:39:59.439
<v Speaker 1>get to see what someone's looking at. You don't get there, hey, hey,

1:40:00.200 --> 1:40:03.360
<v Speaker 1>get that. Yes, you don't get the smell. You don't

1:40:03.439 --> 1:40:07.280
<v Speaker 1>get the ability to give twenty nine you know, you

1:40:07.280 --> 1:40:11.639
<v Speaker 1>don't get it, And so what are we losing and

1:40:11.720 --> 1:40:12.840
<v Speaker 1>how do we navigate it?

1:40:12.920 --> 1:40:18.960
<v Speaker 2>What we're losing is freedom because they're so narrow those apps.

1:40:18.960 --> 1:40:20.320
<v Speaker 2>It's like, how do you look?

1:40:20.600 --> 1:40:22.800
<v Speaker 3>Okay? Now what are these five questions that are on

1:40:22.880 --> 1:40:24.200
<v Speaker 3>your profile? How did you answer them?

1:40:24.360 --> 1:40:24.479
<v Speaker 1>Oh?

1:40:24.520 --> 1:40:25.600
<v Speaker 3>Now we're going to text in.

1:40:25.640 --> 1:40:28.040
<v Speaker 2>It's very weird, limited way back and forth, and so

1:40:28.080 --> 1:40:31.000
<v Speaker 2>we lack the freedom to be like, so like, what

1:40:31.040 --> 1:40:32.200
<v Speaker 2>brings you here to this gym?

1:40:32.320 --> 1:40:33.479
<v Speaker 3>Oh? You come here a lot?

1:40:33.680 --> 1:40:33.800
<v Speaker 1>Oh?

1:40:33.880 --> 1:40:36.360
<v Speaker 2>I saw you with your friend, Like, we need more

1:40:36.439 --> 1:40:40.160
<v Speaker 2>freedom to find our people. I don't dislike dating apps

1:40:40.160 --> 1:40:43.200
<v Speaker 2>because I think they've created a number of beautiful friendships.

1:40:43.240 --> 1:40:45.439
<v Speaker 2>And but what I think that is really important is

1:40:45.720 --> 1:40:48.320
<v Speaker 2>you don't use them as your only vehicle for dating.

1:40:48.960 --> 1:40:50.240
<v Speaker 3>Make them be one vehicle.

1:40:50.560 --> 1:40:52.559
<v Speaker 2>But then if you're dating and you're really serious about

1:40:52.600 --> 1:40:56.360
<v Speaker 2>finding your person, make it your part time job and

1:40:56.439 --> 1:40:58.960
<v Speaker 2>go to the places where your person would be. So

1:40:59.640 --> 1:41:03.479
<v Speaker 2>when I'm my friends is also dating and she's a

1:41:03.520 --> 1:41:07.280
<v Speaker 2>dog and I was like, sure, do the apps one,

1:41:07.840 --> 1:41:10.240
<v Speaker 2>you know, thirty minutes a day at the most. Otherwise,

1:41:10.320 --> 1:41:12.880
<v Speaker 2>I want you to go to every dog park within

1:41:12.920 --> 1:41:15.720
<v Speaker 2>a mile of you every day after work and just

1:41:15.800 --> 1:41:18.920
<v Speaker 2>look around, talk to everyone, talk to men, talk to women,

1:41:19.280 --> 1:41:21.400
<v Speaker 2>and just start talking to the people o those dog parks.

1:41:21.400 --> 1:41:22.800
<v Speaker 2>You know why they live within a mile of you.

1:41:23.720 --> 1:41:26.879
<v Speaker 2>They are dog owners and you can see.

1:41:26.640 --> 1:41:29.479
<v Speaker 3>Them with their dog. And she was like, oh, And

1:41:29.520 --> 1:41:30.920
<v Speaker 3>I was like, that's your part time job.

1:41:31.160 --> 1:41:32.920
<v Speaker 2>So just make sure that dating apps aren't your only

1:41:32.960 --> 1:41:34.880
<v Speaker 2>way that you're going to the places where they might

1:41:34.960 --> 1:41:37.679
<v Speaker 2>be and you're spending more time there than on the app.

1:41:37.840 --> 1:41:40.040
<v Speaker 1>I love that. It's great advice. Did you find someone

1:41:40.120 --> 1:41:43.040
<v Speaker 1>yet not yet? No? Yeah, that's cool. I really like

1:41:43.120 --> 1:41:47.840
<v Speaker 1>that though, I really like that, why do I want

1:41:47.840 --> 1:42:00.840
<v Speaker 1>to go a question for for how do we get

1:42:00.840 --> 1:42:02.960
<v Speaker 1>comfortable with awkward pauses? Oh?

1:42:03.200 --> 1:42:06.960
<v Speaker 2>No, hmm, so actually here's how we do it. Powerful

1:42:06.960 --> 1:42:11.680
<v Speaker 2>people pause more. Pausing is a signal to someone that

1:42:11.920 --> 1:42:15.960
<v Speaker 2>you're not rushed. So one, if someone else has paused,

1:42:16.360 --> 1:42:18.800
<v Speaker 2>you have made them comfortable enough where they don't feel

1:42:18.800 --> 1:42:19.640
<v Speaker 2>like they have to rush with you.

1:42:20.320 --> 1:42:20.679
<v Speaker 1>Gift.

1:42:21.479 --> 1:42:24.920
<v Speaker 3>If you are pausing, you are giving space to say

1:42:25.160 --> 1:42:28.960
<v Speaker 3>I'm okay for just this second to pause, and so

1:42:29.200 --> 1:42:31.519
<v Speaker 3>pausing shows you're doing something right.

1:42:32.520 --> 1:42:34.599
<v Speaker 1>I love that I do it all. I did it

1:42:34.680 --> 1:42:37.360
<v Speaker 1>just then even to come up with that question because

1:42:38.000 --> 1:42:40.000
<v Speaker 1>I was trying to figure out where we wanted to go, yeah,

1:42:40.040 --> 1:42:41.439
<v Speaker 1>and I didn't want to just do this what I'm

1:42:41.479 --> 1:42:43.920
<v Speaker 1>doing now, which is like, oh, I'm think of it

1:42:43.960 --> 1:42:45.400
<v Speaker 1>as wet to ask you next, and I'm not sure

1:42:45.439 --> 1:42:47.000
<v Speaker 1>where to go with it, but I'm thinking about it, like,

1:42:47.240 --> 1:42:48.479
<v Speaker 1>let me just think about it for a second. Is

1:42:48.520 --> 1:42:48.840
<v Speaker 1>that okay?

1:42:48.880 --> 1:42:49.920
<v Speaker 3>And it's just filler.

1:42:50.000 --> 1:42:52.120
<v Speaker 1>It's just filler, and we're lost, and it's like, well, no,

1:42:52.160 --> 1:42:54.200
<v Speaker 1>I actually didn't know. And I thought about it for

1:42:54.200 --> 1:42:55.040
<v Speaker 1>a second and it.

1:42:55.360 --> 1:42:56.640
<v Speaker 3>Gave me a moment to take a breath. And we

1:42:56.760 --> 1:42:58.599
<v Speaker 3>both feel comfortable and feels comfortable.

1:42:59.240 --> 1:43:02.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and it's okay to do that. Fifth and final question,

1:43:02.720 --> 1:43:04.360
<v Speaker 1>we asked this to every guest who's ever been on

1:43:04.400 --> 1:43:07.839
<v Speaker 1>the show. If you could create one law that everyone

1:43:07.880 --> 1:43:09.280
<v Speaker 1>had to follow, what would it be?

1:43:10.560 --> 1:43:10.880
<v Speaker 3>Okay?

1:43:11.080 --> 1:43:13.080
<v Speaker 2>If I had to create one law but everyone had

1:43:13.080 --> 1:43:16.360
<v Speaker 2>to follow, it would be no more fake smiles. I

1:43:16.520 --> 1:43:19.120
<v Speaker 2>like that, no more fake smiles. If you like it,

1:43:19.360 --> 1:43:22.360
<v Speaker 2>like it, heck, yes, like it. If you don't like it,

1:43:22.520 --> 1:43:25.680
<v Speaker 2>don't pretend. We would be so much better off with

1:43:26.240 --> 1:43:28.439
<v Speaker 2>no fake smiles because we would actually know what people

1:43:28.520 --> 1:43:29.280
<v Speaker 2>like and don't like.

1:43:30.400 --> 1:43:35.439
<v Speaker 1>I like that advice. That's good. That's good, Vanessa, Vana adverts. Everyone,

1:43:35.520 --> 1:43:38.080
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much. That was a master class. Oh

1:43:38.120 --> 1:43:42.479
<v Speaker 1>my goodness, dating, work, communication cues. I really hope you

1:43:42.560 --> 1:43:43.960
<v Speaker 1>come back on the show. I would love it, and

1:43:43.960 --> 1:43:46.160
<v Speaker 1>I hope you get to spend more time together. And

1:43:46.200 --> 1:43:48.680
<v Speaker 1>everyone's been listening or watching. I want you to tell me.

1:43:48.920 --> 1:43:51.479
<v Speaker 1>I want you to tag me and Vanessa on Instagram,

1:43:51.520 --> 1:43:53.720
<v Speaker 1>on TikTok. I want you to share with us what

1:43:53.760 --> 1:43:56.920
<v Speaker 1>you're testing, what you're trying, what you're experimenting with. If

1:43:56.920 --> 1:43:59.599
<v Speaker 1>you said hey to someone right, whichever one of these

1:43:59.640 --> 1:44:01.200
<v Speaker 1>that you did. I want you to tell us that

1:44:01.200 --> 1:44:03.200
<v Speaker 1>you're doing it. I want you to share with us

1:44:03.280 --> 1:44:06.280
<v Speaker 1>what you're trialing, because that's where we learn together. You're

1:44:06.280 --> 1:44:08.640
<v Speaker 1>going to inspire so many people who follow you and

1:44:08.640 --> 1:44:11.639
<v Speaker 1>connect with you, your friends and family, to learn about

1:44:11.640 --> 1:44:16.000
<v Speaker 1>how they can master the secret language of charismatic communication.

1:44:16.520 --> 1:44:19.160
<v Speaker 1>You have the ability everyone else she now does as well.

1:44:19.439 --> 1:44:22.280
<v Speaker 1>It's just about finding it and building it. Vanessa has

1:44:22.320 --> 1:44:25.679
<v Speaker 1>the blueprint. Go and follow her across social media, grab

1:44:25.720 --> 1:44:28.120
<v Speaker 1>her books, and tag us both when you're listening to

1:44:28.160 --> 1:44:28.880
<v Speaker 1>this episode.

1:44:28.920 --> 1:44:32.160
<v Speaker 2>If you not at someone and you end up that

1:44:32.400 --> 1:44:34.800
<v Speaker 2>they're your soulmate and you come to Austin, Texas, I.

1:44:34.720 --> 1:44:38.840
<v Speaker 3>Will marry you. Okay, Like, let's create some soulmates. Let's

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<v Speaker 3>make some on purpose babies.

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<v Speaker 1>I love that.

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<v Speaker 3>I will marry you. But if you hate someone and

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<v Speaker 3>they hate you back, I'll marry you.

1:44:46.200 --> 1:44:49.360
<v Speaker 1>That's brilliant. I love that. That's so cool. Hey everyone,

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<v Speaker 1>if you love that conversation, go and check out my

1:44:52.520 --> 1:44:56.720
<v Speaker 1>episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she

1:44:56.880 --> 1:45:00.360
<v Speaker 1>answers the biggest questions that people ask in the therapy

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<v Speaker 1>when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If

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<v Speaker 1>you're trying to figure out that space right now, you

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<v Speaker 1>won't want to miss this conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

1:45:13.200 --> 1:45:16.759
<v Speaker 3>It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.

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<v Speaker 3>Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.