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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today. How do you let someone know that they

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Speaker 1: should make a move without giving any And that's the

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Speaker 1: Van Edwards best selling author and Researcheressmon Edwards.

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Speaker 2: We decide how confident someone is within the first two

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Speaker 2: hundred milliseconds of hearing the speak. The best way to

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Speaker 2: show availability is one word and it sounds like this.

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Speaker 1: Tell me why compliments don't work? How do we tell

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Speaker 1: the difference between charisma and narcissism?

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Speaker 3: The way you see the world changes the world.

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Speaker 1: What are the negative cues we miss because we're infatuated

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Speaker 1: or attractive as hell?

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Speaker 2: If you want to be treated with more respect, you

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Speaker 2: have to make sure It's.

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Speaker 1: The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Sheety Jay

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Speaker 1: Shettyly shet Hey everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the

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Speaker 1: place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

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Speaker 1: You know that one of my biggest focuses and services

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Speaker 1: is introducing you to experts who are obsessed and addicted

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Speaker 1: to their field. People who are powerhouses, who deeply and

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Speaker 1: intimately understand human behavior so they can help you improve

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Speaker 1: yours and spots sign of the people around you. Today's

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Speaker 1: guest is going to do just that. I want to

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Speaker 1: welcome to on Purpose for the first time ever, but

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Speaker 1: not the last time. Vanessa van Edwards a multi time

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Speaker 1: best selling author, renowned behavioral researcher on professional communication and leadership.

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Speaker 1: More than fifty million people have seen Vanessa's talks on

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Speaker 1: YouTube and how viral ted talk as well. Vanessa's work

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Speaker 1: has been featured in national and international media including Entrepreneur Magazine, CNN, CBS,

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Speaker 1: and many more. Vanessa's latest book, Cues Mastered The Secret

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Speaker 1: Language of Charismatic Communication was an instant bestseller and I

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Speaker 1: highly recommend it. Please welcome to On Purpose, Vanessa van Edwards. Vanessa,

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Speaker 1: it's so great to have you here. I'm looking forward

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Speaker 1: to this, Yes, waiting for this moment. Me too. And

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Speaker 1: from the moment you walked in, I was like, this

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Speaker 1: person is so charismatic, magnetic, says great energy and I

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Speaker 1: want to start off, Vanessa, just to dive straight in.

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Speaker 3: Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: If someone was not only to listen, but to apply

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Speaker 1: the insights you're about to share today, what would they overcome.

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Speaker 2: I'm a recovering awkward person and I have found that

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Speaker 2: through this work, and that is my mission today with you,

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Speaker 2: that you can overcome awkwardness, doubt, and most importantly, the

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Speaker 2: feeling of being underestimated.

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Speaker 3: I think that that's really.

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Speaker 2: What I'm trying to get at with my work is

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Speaker 2: if you feel that you have a lot of potential,

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Speaker 2: or you have this desire to connect, but you don't

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Speaker 2: know how, and people are underestimating your charisma, your ideas,

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Speaker 2: your smarts, who you are. My goal is to make

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Speaker 2: it so you no longer feel underestimated.

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Speaker 1: Oh I love that that's so strong.

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Speaker 3: Those are my people.

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Speaker 1: That's so strong, and I resonate with it so strongly

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Speaker 1: because I'm sure, just like you, I meet so many

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Speaker 1: people who feel they have the next big idea, who

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Speaker 1: feel that they have something to share, something to give,

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Speaker 1: something to teach, some to pass on, but they don't

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Speaker 1: feel confident. They're lacking that feeling of courage. They're lacking

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Speaker 1: that feeling of I don't know how to present my idea.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to share it. And this is

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Speaker 1: what we're going to do today.

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Speaker 2: And the problem is like I also had these ideas,

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Speaker 2: but I not only didn't have confidence, I felt out

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Speaker 2: of control. I think this is an aspect of communication

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Speaker 2: we don't talk about enough. I think the side door

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Speaker 2: into confidence because we all say I wish I felt

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Speaker 2: more confident, But the side door is thinking, Okay, I

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Speaker 2: have an idea, what's the blueprint that I need from conversations,

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Speaker 2: from charisma to be able to get where I want?

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Speaker 2: How can I take control of my connections, my relationship,

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Speaker 2: my communication, so I know if I want to show

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Speaker 2: up as friendly or as likable or as competent, I

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Speaker 2: know exactly what to do with my body, my voice,

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Speaker 2: my words to show.

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Speaker 3: Up in that way.

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Speaker 2: So for me, the only way I was able to

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Speaker 2: overcome awkwardness was taking control of the signals I'm sending

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Speaker 2: and being able to take control of the kinds of

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Speaker 2: relationships and conversations I had.

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Speaker 1: What I really appreciate about what you're saying. You just

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Speaker 1: named three things you said. If I want to come

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Speaker 1: across as friendly, likable, and competent. What's really fascinating is

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Speaker 1: I think most of us don't even know we want

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Speaker 1: to come across that way.

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Speaker 3: This is true. The step one of control is how

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Speaker 3: do you want people to see you? And here's what's

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Speaker 3: really important. The cues that you send to others make

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Speaker 3: people think about you a certain way. But the cues

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Speaker 3: you send to others also change how others treat you.

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Speaker 3: So if you want to be treated with more respect,

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Speaker 3: you have to make sure it starts with you that

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Speaker 3: you're sending the cues needed to show others how they

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Speaker 3: should treat you with respect. If you want to be

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Speaker 3: treated with friendliness or warmth or vulnerability, how do you

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Speaker 3: signal to others? I want you to be open and

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Speaker 3: raw and real with me. We can take control of

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Speaker 3: those signals to tell others here's how I want to

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Speaker 3: be treated. And so step one is how do you

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Speaker 3: want people to see you? It's a ill game, okay.

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Speaker 2: So in your mind, when people first meet you, what

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Speaker 2: word do you think they think? Like, what's a word

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Speaker 2: they use to describe you?

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Speaker 1: Ooh, that's so good.

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Speaker 3: What do you think it is?

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Speaker 1: I would hope it is is warm?

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Speaker 3: Warm? Okay.

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Speaker 2: So I've asked this to thousands of people and the

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Speaker 2: words are you know, all over the place. By the way,

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Speaker 2: a lot of folks have negative words, and that's okay. Like,

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Speaker 2: for example, my word used to be awkward, right, like

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Speaker 2: people would say that I knew you know when you

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Speaker 2: show up. And I'm a social overthinker, so like I

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Speaker 2: would get in my head about things.

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Speaker 3: I would overthink things I knew. I could see in

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Speaker 3: their face.

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Speaker 2: That I was coming across as awkward and I was

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Speaker 2: creating more awkwardness. So my original word for first impression

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Speaker 2: was awkward, and that's what got me into this work.

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Speaker 2: So a lot of the words. I have two kind

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Speaker 2: of groups of people. I have folks like you who

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Speaker 2: are like.

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Speaker 3: Warm, competent, charismatic, confident. I love it. I love it.

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Speaker 2: But a lot of folks and if this is you,

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Speaker 2: I'm with you, I'm gonna help. It could be quiet,

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Speaker 2: it could be awkward, it could be scared, nervous. There's

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Speaker 2: a lot of words like that. Okay, so start there.

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Speaker 2: Then the question is what do you want people to

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Speaker 2: think when they first meet you. What's the word that

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Speaker 2: you wish? Maybe even two or three words. How do

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Speaker 2: you want to come across? So would yours ideal be warm?

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Speaker 2: And do you have another one that you wish?

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Speaker 1: I'd probably add loving.

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Speaker 3: Loving, love it.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so think of three words that you wish to convey.

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Speaker 2: Now we have to work backwards. So step two is, okay,

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Speaker 2: how do we convey warmth and competence and loving or confidence?

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Speaker 2: That's where the real magic happens. And there are ninety

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Speaker 2: seven cues. I've identified ninety seven keys, ninety seven cues.

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Speaker 2: The very beginning of my career, I realize that humans

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Speaker 2: were sending these social signals back and forth. You're nodding,

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Speaker 2: your hand, gesture, your feet, your voice, power, and I

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Speaker 2: just missed them all. I have an affliction. I tend

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Speaker 2: to misinterpret neutral faces as negative. I think we all

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Speaker 2: a lot of people tell a lot of people. It's

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Speaker 2: the basis of resting bothered face.

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Speaker 3: This is the basis.

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Speaker 2: There's actually science behind RBF, and it's that most people

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Speaker 2: misidentify neutral expressions as negative. And by the way, interesting

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Speaker 2: thing they found in the research with this was if

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Speaker 2: you are an angrier person, if you to get angry more,

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Speaker 2: you see more neutral faces as angry.

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Speaker 1: Ooh or I didn't even think about this.

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Speaker 2: So in a way, the way you see the world

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Speaker 2: changes the world. Right, Like, if you were an angry

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Speaker 2: person and you're misinterpreting neutral faces as angry and then

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Speaker 2: you reply back with anger or offensiveness or defensiveness, you

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Speaker 2: make them angry.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, And so this.

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Speaker 3: Is like this weird c cycle.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so if there's ninety seven different cues, I started

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Speaker 2: categorizing them because I was like, I don't I'm misinterpreting.

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Speaker 3: And I would say to my.

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Speaker 2: Husband, I think she's mad at me, and he'd be like,

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Speaker 2: why I go to a party like everyone's mad at me.

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Speaker 3: He'd be like, I didn't see that at all.

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Speaker 2: And that's when I started to realize, Okay, what are

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Speaker 2: the actual negative faces? So I discovered, you know, the

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Speaker 2: research on micro expressions, the seven micro expressions, what we

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Speaker 2: can talk about and then I started to categorize these

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Speaker 2: patterns just for me, and then I realized there was

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Speaker 2: all these other awkward people who also wanted to be

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Speaker 2: able to read these social signals.

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Speaker 3: And so I think that.

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Speaker 2: When you've picked your word, starting to make your recipe

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Speaker 2: of charisma.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and what I love about this is this is

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Speaker 1: all how happening before you get to the date, before

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Speaker 1: you get to the event, before you get to the interview.

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Speaker 1: This is where it has to start. And I think

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Speaker 1: so many of us turn up and naturally, by the way,

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Speaker 1: me included. I think the challenge I have is people

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Speaker 1: may assume that I'm always confident and have it all together.

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Speaker 1: If I don't prepare for an event, I can turn

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Speaker 1: up and feel exactly the same way because I walk

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Speaker 1: in and I'm rushed there and I'm thinking, gosh, what

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Speaker 1: am I going to say? Like why am I here again?

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Speaker 1: And why is that person looking at me with that way?

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Speaker 1: And were they right?

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Speaker 3: Okay, so this is good.

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Speaker 2: Let's add a step to our exercise, which is I'm

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Speaker 2: just thinking about this, now, what's your bad day first

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Speaker 2: impression word?

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Speaker 1: My bad day first impression word would be absent, like I'm.

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Speaker 3: Just like muting.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, I'm just not quite there. I'm probably looking

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Speaker 1: through someone. I'm probably not listening as well as I

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Speaker 1: usually do because I'm kind of just I'm lost. I'm

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Speaker 1: a bit lost and absent.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, So everyone should think about their first impression word,

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Speaker 2: their current first impression word, and their ideal why. What

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Speaker 2: are the triggers that trigger you to be in that

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Speaker 2: bad space and what are the triggers that make you

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Speaker 2: feel in that good space. So one of the very

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Speaker 2: first steps is Okay, whether you're an introvert, an extrovert,

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Speaker 2: or an ambivert, and there is that sort of in between,

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Speaker 2: who triggers you to be your best self?

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Speaker 3: You know how?

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Speaker 2: Like around certain people, you're like, ah, I'm my funniest

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Speaker 2: I'm my most charismatic. Great, those are the people who

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Speaker 2: bring out the good first impression. You want to be

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Speaker 2: around those people as much as possible. Who are the

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Speaker 2: people who bring out the bad first impression?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 2: Who are the people who make you feel the way

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Speaker 2: I would describe as like tight inside, Like that's how I

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Speaker 2: would describe it, rigid, Like that's what I do. I

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Speaker 2: get very rigid when I'm afraid or nervous. Who makes

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Speaker 2: you feel angry, Who makes you feel rigid, who makes

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Speaker 2: you feel afraid? Who makes you shut down? You know,

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Speaker 2: awkwardness dresses up in a lot of different ways. Some people,

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Speaker 2: their awkwardness is shutting down, right, They mute, they go quiet,

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Speaker 2: they collapse in on themselves, they take up less.

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Speaker 3: Space from body language perspective.

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Speaker 2: But other people get bigger, they become dramatic, they name drop,

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Speaker 2: they talk too loud, they overtalk. Like, that's also a

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Speaker 2: way that are awkward to stress up. So what are

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Speaker 2: your triggers that make you do that? The people, but

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Speaker 2: also the places. Yes, right, Like I love a one

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Speaker 2: on one conversation, So I'm I was more excited for

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Speaker 2: this conversation than I would be. Like if you were

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Speaker 2: to say, Vanessa, come over to my house for a

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Speaker 2: happy hour.

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Speaker 1: Which never happens in my house because I'm not coming.

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Speaker 2: I can't come, or if I come, I would be

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Speaker 2: like agonizing the whole time, like a rooftop bar, you know,

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Speaker 2: loud night club, just like not my space.

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Speaker 3: Like, I just triggered all the bad stuff in me.

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Speaker 2: So I think that like knowing who and what is

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Speaker 2: going to also set you up for success into getting

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Speaker 2: to the better taking control, Right, if you can control

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Speaker 2: the people in the places where you want to show

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Speaker 2: up your best self, that's like step number one.

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Speaker 3: That's the groundwork.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that's hard shifting that moving that

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Speaker 1: forward when you have to start going to places where

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Speaker 1: you don't know anyone. Right, And there were two areas

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Speaker 1: I already wanted to focus on with you today. One

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Speaker 1: was looking at the dating landscape, and we'll start there.

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Speaker 1: And the second I want to focus on is work. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because I feel like those are the two areas where

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Speaker 1: your skills and your habits and your tools thrive in

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Speaker 1: a way that you know people are going to change

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Speaker 1: their lives. We were talking about this idea that let's

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Speaker 1: say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at

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Speaker 1: a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe

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Speaker 1: it is a club. Yes, you want to signal to

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Speaker 1: someone to make a move. You want to let them

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Speaker 1: know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them

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Speaker 1: to do something. But you want to be subtle. You

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Speaker 1: don't want to give it away. How do you let

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Speaker 1: someone know that they should make a move without giving

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Speaker 1: it away?

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Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably

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Speaker 2: not going to like, but it's so important. It's a

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Speaker 2: phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very

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Speaker 2: well studied that we tend to think we are over

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Speaker 2: obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar,

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Speaker 2: they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub set,

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Speaker 2: women and men who think they are being obvious with

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Speaker 2: their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

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Speaker 3: Okay, that's so good.

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Speaker 2: They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was

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Speaker 2: incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each

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Speaker 2: person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They

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Speaker 2: found in ten minutes, how many signals do you think

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Speaker 2: it took for a woman to show a man she

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Speaker 2: was interested? How many in ten minutes? How many signals

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Speaker 2: did you have to send when it actually worked? When

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Speaker 2: it actually worked.

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Speaker 1: Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go thirty twenty nine, oh okay, cool.

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Speaker 3: That's it. But do you know how many signals that is.

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Speaker 1: Innut A lot of signals that is that is pretty constant.

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Speaker 1: And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have

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Speaker 1: guessed three, right, it was only because you gave me

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Speaker 1: a sense that there was more. I probably would have

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Speaker 1: said three seven.

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Speaker 2: That is what women think is it was needed. I

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Speaker 2: sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over.

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Speaker 2: He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he

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Speaker 2: doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick

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Speaker 2: of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten

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Speaker 2: minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh,

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Speaker 2: she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the

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Speaker 2: conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability?

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Speaker 2: And this is what's most important is in the same

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Speaker 2: group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most

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Speaker 2: attractive women, who are rated on their attractiveness got approached

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Speaker 2: less than unattractive women who.

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Speaker 3: Didn't signal enough.

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Speaker 1: Fascinating.

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Speaker 2: So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough,

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Speaker 2: you won't be approached.

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Speaker 1: Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively

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Speaker 1: attractive you are?

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Speaker 2: You have to be available more. So what they found

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Speaker 2: and this is so it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness,

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Speaker 2: but it helps us understand that something that I think

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Speaker 2: we use attractiveness as an excuse I'm not pretty enough

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Speaker 2: or I'm not this enough. No, Actually, some unattractive women

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Speaker 2: whose signal availability God approached more wow. And so availability

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Speaker 2: actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair,

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Speaker 2: your outfit, how you look, how you you smell, all

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Speaker 2: those things are great, but they will not work if

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Speaker 2: you do not know the body language signals of availability,

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Speaker 2: and you have to be super clear with them. So

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Speaker 2: the very first one are flirty glances are yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna demo it for you. Okay, So flirty glances are

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Speaker 2: typically they little gaze patterns.

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Speaker 3: Is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we

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Speaker 3: see someone we like.

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Speaker 1: We oh yeah, nice little side glands.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, like very brief.

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Speaker 1: It's a look.

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Speaker 2: It's a look back but then look back. Yeah, and

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Speaker 2: it's a side look or a down and up look.

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Speaker 2: The down and up look works really well because you're

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Speaker 2: looking up through your lashes.

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Speaker 3: That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe.

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Speaker 2: So if you want to look at the classic example

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Speaker 2: of this every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has

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Speaker 2: her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.

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Speaker 2: That is a look that we just like we just

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Speaker 2: like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing

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Speaker 2: around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away,

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Speaker 2: then it's little smiles.

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Speaker 3: So look and little smile.

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Speaker 2: And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these,

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Speaker 2: so we got to get really comfortable with trying.

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Speaker 3: And the nice thing is there's no pressure.

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Speaker 2: If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't reorthin the

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Speaker 2: glans right, So eye contact smiles. Self touch is also

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Speaker 2: considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with

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Speaker 2: my hair or I play with my dress, that's a

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Speaker 2: way of signaling our hair health. From from a evolutionary perspective,

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Speaker 2: it's like, look, how healthy I am my healthy long hair.

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Speaker 2: I think it's one of the reasons why we tend

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Speaker 2: to like long hair. We'll also when they're flirting, they'll

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Speaker 2: touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually

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Speaker 2: releases pheromones. So the reason why some women will touch

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Speaker 2: their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually

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Speaker 2: trying to release their scent. And scent is very very important.

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Speaker 2: It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships.

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Speaker 2: For example, it's a little bit off the side of

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Speaker 2: dating but I just want to explain why smell is

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Speaker 2: so important. I just read this study and I was like, what.

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Speaker 2: They had women wear white T shirts with no deodorant,

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Speaker 2: no nothing, so just their natural smell for twenty four hours.

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Speaker 2: They took these T shirts and they had other women

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Speaker 2: smell these T shirts and rate the women on if

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Speaker 2: they liked the smell. Okay, imagine your opening as the

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Speaker 2: thought bag and You're smelling study. I would have loved it. Okay,

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Speaker 2: I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers.

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Speaker 2: I'm there. So they had them smell the T shirts

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Speaker 2: and they had them rate them on how much they

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Speaker 2: liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact

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Speaker 2: in person. They didn't know who's who the smell they

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Speaker 2: liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person,

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Speaker 2: so they actually found their people. There is something to it.

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Speaker 2: So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're

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Speaker 2: trying to release this natural smell of like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to probably click with you. That's why if you smell

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Speaker 2: good and good is subjective, like That's why I think

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Speaker 2: why sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking.

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Speaker 3: We like each other's smell.

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Speaker 2: So so being available also like releasing pheromone self touch.

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Speaker 2: And then this one is not from the research, but

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think

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Speaker 2: the best way to show availability is one word, and

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Speaker 2: it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk to

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Speaker 2: the bathroom and you walk to the bar, you walk

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Speaker 2: by them, Hey, just like that.

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Speaker 3: Because look, by the way, this is for both men

396
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Speaker 3: and women, okay, because life is too short to not hay, right,

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Speaker 3: and there's no pressure.

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Speaker 2: If you walk by someone in the gym, right and

399
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Speaker 2: you're like hey, even if they have their air pods in,

400
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Speaker 2: if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey, right.

401
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Speaker 1: Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say

402
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Speaker 1: it matters Hey, it's not like that's pretty good? Okay,

403
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,880
Speaker 1: all right, okay, so I'll do.

404
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,679
Speaker 2: See men men do good with a downward inflection, So

405
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Speaker 2: like that down reflection is good. So if it goes good,

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Speaker 2: the guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not

407
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Speaker 2: into it, he's gonna.

408
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Speaker 1: Be like hey, yeah, right.

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Speaker 2: No problem, right, like cool, Hey, So it's like the

410
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Speaker 2: most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store,

411
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Speaker 2: when even by the way, if someone has airpots on there,

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Speaker 2: it's still gonna see you go. They're going to take

413
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Speaker 2: out their heir find and they're gonna be like, hey,

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Speaker 2: So here's the difference, right, So I am using the

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00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,320
Speaker 2: lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important

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Speaker 2: for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how

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Speaker 2: confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of

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Speaker 2: hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most

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Speaker 2: important word you can say really is hey.

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Speaker 3: That's it.

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00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 2: You've just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's

422
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,000
Speaker 2: specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are

423
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:37,119
Speaker 2: listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So

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Speaker 2: right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest

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Speaker 2: end of my natural voice because I know that people

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Speaker 2: are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When

427
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Speaker 2: I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher

428
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Speaker 2: in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit

429
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Speaker 2: more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit

430
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Speaker 2: more like this. Now, if I were to do the

431
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Speaker 2: entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive

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Speaker 2: you crazy.

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Speaker 3: It's infectious. We catch it.

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Speaker 2: We don't like to be around people or we could

435
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,160
Speaker 2: catch their anxiety. We don't want to catster anxiety. They've

436
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,879
Speaker 2: even found that we match the voice resonance of the

437
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Speaker 2: most important person in the room. So when they tested people,

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Speaker 2: they found that they un subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's

439
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,920
Speaker 2: most important person room their own resonance.

440
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441
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442
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443
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444
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445
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446
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447
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448
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449
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450
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Speaker 1: adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life.

451
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452
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454
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455
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456
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457
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458
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459
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460
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:38,919
Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink j u Ni dot com

461
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 1: and make sure you use the code on purpose. So

462
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,640
Speaker 1: here's the thing a lot of us when you're attracted

463
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,720
Speaker 1: to someone, your heart rate goes up, you start breathing shallower,

464
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,240
Speaker 1: and you're about to say it in a like you

465
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,720
Speaker 1: go hey, hey, like really that's the reaction because you're

466
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 1: so nervous.

467
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,919
Speaker 3: And this is why we don't have enough cups.

468
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 1: This is the reason. Is the way were saying, yeah,

469
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,360
Speaker 1: h what do we do when you're like, when you're

470
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,920
Speaker 1: feeling that like attraction, maybe you've even built up to it.

471
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,880
Speaker 1: You've been going to class every day for thirty days

472
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: and this guy's turning up three times. You're trying to

473
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:12,600
Speaker 1: send the queue.

474
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,919
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, so luckily one is. Now that you know it,

475
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,560
Speaker 2: it's going to be very easy for you to hear yourself.

476
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 2: Do it so at home if you wouldn't mind trying

477
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 2: this with me. I want you to hear the highest

478
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,360
Speaker 2: end of your range versus the lowest end of your range.

479
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:25,480
Speaker 2: Everyone has a natural range, So first, let's start with

480
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,359
Speaker 2: the highest. So take a deep breath and say hello

481
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,760
Speaker 2: at the top of your breath. Hello, Hello. That's our

482
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,200
Speaker 2: natural highest end of our range. I never want you

483
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 2: to sound like that. I never sound like yeah, right,

484
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,399
Speaker 2: maybe your dog. I see people go.

485
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,280
Speaker 1: Hello, baby, Actually you're right to my niece and nephew.

486
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,800
Speaker 1: May they look at me like stuff? Talking to me

487
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:43,040
Speaker 1: like that?

488
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 3: Babies and dogs, totally fine.

489
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:49,480
Speaker 2: Babies, dogs, that's it, because you're signaling tightness, high anxiety,

490
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 2: and we don't want that. And by the way, this

491
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,560
Speaker 2: happens to everyone. We hold our breath as we're answering

492
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,439
Speaker 2: the phone. Hello, You've just given away all your confidence. Okay,

493
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,320
Speaker 2: so that's the highest. Let's try the lowest. So take

494
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 2: a couple of deep breaths, relax your vocal cords. Relax

495
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,399
Speaker 2: your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth, and then

496
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,040
Speaker 2: I want you to say hello on the outbreath.

497
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 3: It's gonna sound like this, Hello, Hello. That's the lowest

498
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 3: end of your range.

499
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,959
Speaker 2: What happens here is when we take in breath and

500
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 2: we speak on the outbreath, it forces our vocal cords

501
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,520
Speaker 2: to relax and it puts us on our lower range.

502
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 2: So here's the difference. Here's how I want you to

503
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 2: say hello. Let's to the phone first. So instead of Hello,

504
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:32,040
Speaker 2: I want you to go Hello. Totally different the second one. Right,

505
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 2: So here's the bad one, Hello, that's too high, versus

506
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 2: on the outbreath.

507
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:37,679
Speaker 3: Hello.

508
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:43,119
Speaker 2: It's still me, but I sound totally different. You would

509
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 2: treat me differently based on those two hellos. I started

510
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,439
Speaker 2: off by saying, your cues change how people treat you.

511
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 2: If you speak with confidence, people are going to treat

512
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,240
Speaker 2: you with more respect, and so it is critical we

513
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 2: speak that lower tone. So when I was like hey,

514
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:00,640
Speaker 2: I didn't.

515
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:06,040
Speaker 1: Go hey, are I'm so good?

516
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,639
Speaker 3: So a nice low hay for both men and women.

517
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 3: This works? And can we just hey everyone?

518
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,240
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I like that.

519
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,320
Speaker 3: Let's just do like.

520
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:21,120
Speaker 2: Life is too short to not hay a person you're like,

521
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 2: I like their vibe. Yeah, right, Like, let's just hey everyone,

522
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,679
Speaker 2: and if you see me out on an airport, you

523
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 2: just ab I'll laugh.

524
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love. Oh that's good. I like that. I

525
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: really like that because I think a lot of people

526
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,920
Speaker 1: listening right now they might be thinking, but I want

527
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: to be accepted for who I am. What's the difference

528
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: between who we are and how we choose to present ourselves?

529
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,399
Speaker 1: Because I think people get confused. They go, oh, but

530
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,959
Speaker 1: I am that kind of person who's nervous and anxious

531
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 1: and everything, But that's not who they are.

532
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 2: I don't believe in fake it till you make it.

533
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,120
Speaker 2: It's not a concept.

534
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,120
Speaker 3: I've ever Yeah, me neither resonated with.

535
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,440
Speaker 2: And so notice how I didn't say I want you

536
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,240
Speaker 2: to be like Elizabeth Holmes and go, hey, I can't

537
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 2: even do it. How did she do it? She was

538
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,520
Speaker 2: so like she faked that low tone. No, I wanted

539
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,879
Speaker 2: you to find the lowest end of your natural tone.

540
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:11,840
Speaker 2: First is I don't believe and take it to you

541
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 2: make it. Second is, I want you to sound like

542
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:19,560
Speaker 2: your most confident self. So if for you that is, hey, cool,

543
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 2: girl cool. I'm for it, right, like I will. If

544
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,240
Speaker 2: that is you and that's how you go, I will

545
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 2: take it. So I want you to feel like you.

546
00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,960
Speaker 2: But I also want you to find your resonance point.

547
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,439
Speaker 2: It's called a maximum resonance point. That's speaking with. This

548
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 2: is for both dating and work. That's speaking with this

549
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 2: part of your voice that is open and full of

550
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,640
Speaker 2: power and volume and space. And don't we all want

551
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,000
Speaker 2: to operate that way? Like I think everyone is more

552
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 2: themselves when they have space in their bodies, when they're

553
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 2: taking up their space, when they have breath, and that

554
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 2: translates to everything. Yeah, it translates to my face. It

555
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 2: makes my face more open, It makes my job more relaxed,

556
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 2: it makes my shoulders more relaxed. So what I'm kind

557
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 2: of hoping is we're finding that part of you that's

558
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 2: like ooh resonance.

559
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,159
Speaker 3: Yes, Like that's where presence comes from.

560
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great answer. And what's really good about

561
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 1: it is also that if that person says hey, back,

562
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 1: you're now not at this crazy level of nervousness and

563
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 1: anxiety where you can't now you're in shock, and now

564
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,719
Speaker 1: you don't even have to respond. And then that ruins it.

565
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 1: We were talking about one of my friends who's a

566
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,200
Speaker 1: comedian called Jared Freedi as a podcast called You Up,

567
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: and there was an episode where he was talking about

568
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,480
Speaker 1: sometimes it's hard to spark up a conversation with someone

569
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,719
Speaker 1: at a class, and he was saying, it's good to

570
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: just go out to someone and say something like tough class, right,

571
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 1: like you know whatever, maybe like something to find some

572
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 1: mutual ground before you hit it off. And I think

573
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 1: even that saying that in this tone could help.

574
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,360
Speaker 2: Okay, So I love this tip. So you say hey

575
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,080
Speaker 2: and it's like hey, hey, cool, then you want to

576
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:58,640
Speaker 2: use it again. I like a blueprint. I need specific groundwork.

577
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,040
Speaker 2: I don't like to guess. So here's your next step

578
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 2: is a context cueue. So a context cue is when

579
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,879
Speaker 2: you use a conversation charter. That's something that you both share.

580
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 2: If you don't know someone, you don't know what you share.

581
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 2: So the one thing you can share is the context

582
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 2: you're in.

583
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 1: Right.

584
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 2: So that could be how do you know the host?

585
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,159
Speaker 2: If you're at a party? Right, it could be how

586
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,400
Speaker 2: do you like the food? How do you like your wine? Oh,

587
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 2: that coffee looks great? Wow, this is a tough class right,

588
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 2: So it's something in context because actually that's a secret

589
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 2: me too moment. So this is the next effect. So

590
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 2: we're fighting and dating signal amplification, bias. More signals are better.

591
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 2: You are not being obvious, right, you think you're being obvious,

592
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,360
Speaker 2: you're not. It takes twenty nine signals. You can count

593
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 2: them in your head if you want. Okay, So that's

594
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 2: the first thing we're fighting. Once we've managed that and

595
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:43,080
Speaker 2: we're really clear, the second thing we're trying to meet

596
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 2: is a psychological effect called the similarity attraction effect. What

597
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,720
Speaker 2: this is is that we like people who have similar

598
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:54,199
Speaker 2: values and motivations as us. What's important about this is

599
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 2: every time we have a me too moment like oh

600
00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:59,720
Speaker 2: we have what we have that, it builds like a

601
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 2: little string between us. Like I literally envision when I'm

602
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 2: in conversation, like we're handing each other threads.

603
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,840
Speaker 3: I call it thread theory, Like we're.

604
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,600
Speaker 2: Handing each other threads, and the more threads that are

605
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 2: back and forth, the more connected we are. Like that

606
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 2: that's the visual I use. So what is the very

607
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 2: first question I said to you when I met you outside?

608
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 2: Was you know, I think we have some friends in common?

609
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,280
Speaker 2: Because I knew that that was a thread that we

610
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 2: could be like, yes, we both love those people, and

611
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 2: that made it just really easy. I didn't say like,

612
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 2: how's the weather. I didn't do that, right, So, whatever

613
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 2: you can do to create as many me too moments

614
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,400
Speaker 2: as possible. That could be raving about a mutual friend,

615
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: that could be raving about how great this class is.

616
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 2: That could be oh, the wine is so delicious or

617
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 2: the wine is terrible, right like the other one. So

618
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 2: all your entire goal in this part of the conversation

619
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 2: is me too moments, and your question should be geared

620
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 2: towards that, because here's where awkwardness happens. You're in a

621
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,719
Speaker 2: conversation and you have no goal. You're like kind of

622
00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,959
Speaker 2: like what do you do? Where are you from? You know,

623
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,080
Speaker 2: and it's like these socially scripted dead end conversation starters.

624
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,000
Speaker 2: So instead I want your goal to be I want

625
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 2: to them to say me too, or I want to

626
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 2: say too. That's it, and it's very low pressure because

627
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 2: all you're doing and then your questions have intention, right,

628
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 2: Like if everything is on purpose, if everything is intention,

629
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 2: then our questions are searching for similarities. And this is

630
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 2: the last step, and this is for dating, for friendship,

631
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,880
Speaker 2: even a little bit for work relationships as well. The

632
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:33,360
Speaker 2: last step is can you find authentic reasons to like them?

633
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 2: And I mean aggressively like them. I think that awkwardness

634
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 2: the reason I was so awkward for so long, as

635
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,520
Speaker 2: I was asking the wrong questions and I didn't know

636
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 2: what to listen for. The last the study completely changed

637
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,120
Speaker 2: my life, changed the way I interact. I was never

638
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 2: a cool kid. I was never popular, and I believe it.

639
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 3: That's true. It's true.

640
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 2: I was like, I was like a triple major in

641
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 2: college because I was just like, what can I do

642
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 2: to distruct myself? Like I ran for student council because

643
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:04,640
Speaker 2: it was the only position that was unopposed anyway, Yeah, it.

644
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 3: Was really cool.

645
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 2: So I found this study that looked at the cool

646
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 2: kids in high school and they examined thousands of kids

647
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 2: across a variety of high schools, across variety of grades,

648
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 2: looking for patterns why are some kids more popular than others?

649
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 3: And the hypothesis was maybe.

650
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 2: They're more athletic, maybe they're smarter, maybe they're more attractive,

651
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,120
Speaker 2: maybe they're more extroverted, maybe they were funnier.

652
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 3: Right, those were all the things.

653
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would think of right, there were popular kids

654
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 2: who were those things. But the only commonality across all

655
00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:33,680
Speaker 2: the grades and all the schools was that the most

656
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 2: liked kids had the longest list of people that they liked.

657
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,520
Speaker 2: The most liked kids had the longest list of people

658
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:46,160
Speaker 2: that they liked, meaning they weren't going around all day

659
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:47,920
Speaker 2: trying to be funny, trying to be cool. They were

660
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 2: going around trying to like as many people as possible.

661
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 1: No way. One of the.

662
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 2: Variables was to everyone had to make a list of

663
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 2: kids they liked, and the most popular kids had the

664
00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 2: longest lists, meaning they were constantly thinking I like that

665
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 2: about you, I like that about you.

666
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 3: This was like relief for.

667
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 2: Me because it meant I don't have to show up

668
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 2: as impressive or funny or extroverted or be good at sports,

669
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 2: cause I'm not. All I have to do is aggressively

670
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 2: like people. So if you want to be attractive, if

671
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 2: you want to create bonds friend wise romantic wise, what

672
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 2: I want you to be doing is you're asking these questions,

673
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,640
Speaker 2: looking for me toos, and then you're thinking, how can

674
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 2: I like this person? More like, what could I ask?

675
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 2: What could I find out that I can authentically be

676
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 2: like I like you and then saying it like I

677
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 2: cannot tell you my best friendships have started when I

678
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:38,360
Speaker 2: don't play it cool.

679
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 3: I do not believe in playing it cool. That doesn't work.

680
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 3: I literally am like, I like you, will you be

681
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 3: my friend?

682
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:44,120
Speaker 1: Yea?

683
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 2: And like I have a six and a half year

684
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 2: old and a two and a half year old daughter,

685
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 2: and I watched them on the playground and it's funny.

686
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,040
Speaker 3: They're they're like this.

687
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 2: They literally will sit in the sandbox. My daughter was like,

688
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 2: do you like trucks? And the boy was like I

689
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,680
Speaker 2: like trucks and she was like I like tr I

690
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 2: was like me too. Moment, good job, Claire. And then

691
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 2: she was like you want to be my friend? And

692
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 2: he was like yeah, that's it. They're friends.

693
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,080
Speaker 3: I was like, this is it. We actually knew how

694
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 3: to do this as kids. It's what we used to

695
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 3: do and we've kind of, you know, over too cool

696
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 3: for it.

697
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,360
Speaker 1: I like that you did that and said that because

698
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 1: I do the same thing. So no, literally it's exactly

699
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: the same. Yeah, I know, but like you, that never happened,

700
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,720
Speaker 1: and I love that because to me, it's I have

701
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 1: so many friends in La that when I met them

702
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 1: first time, I said, I think we'd be great friends

703
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: and i'd love I'd love to see if that's true.

704
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,720
Speaker 1: And like now seven years later, whenever we're out and everyone,

705
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 1: how did you to me? And then my friends will

706
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: always try and be poliable like oh yeah, we just

707
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 1: met through and I'm like, no, no, no, let me

708
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: tell the story. I said that I liked you and

709
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,440
Speaker 1: I wanted to be your friend, and I love living

710
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 1: that way because I think it makes life so clear,

711
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 1: It makes life so easy. Everyone knows where everyone's intentions are.

712
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 1: And if someone is too cool for me or doesn't

713
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 1: like that at least I know.

714
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 2: Also like I'm I'm allergic to it. Yeah, like I

715
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 2: don't do well with two cool people. Like if you

716
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:09,120
Speaker 2: can't even show me your liking or you're kind of

717
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:10,560
Speaker 2: wanting to put a wall up, we're not going to

718
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 2: be good friends. Because I love level three conversations, I

719
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 2: like vulnerability, I like oversharing, So that's like a test.

720
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,480
Speaker 3: Also is like I think we would be good friends.

721
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:22,280
Speaker 2: I like you, and if they're like h, I'm like cool,

722
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 2: Like that's cool, Like I would rather take the shot

723
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,440
Speaker 2: than miss it. Yeah, and so I think, like, if

724
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 2: you're listening, I think it's like, let's if you like

725
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 2: someone like show it, search for those me two moments,

726
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 2: and then if you like them, well, first of all,

727
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 2: search for reasons to like them.

728
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:37,479
Speaker 3: Then if you like them, say it.

729
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 2: That right there is like the best way to try

730
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 2: to find your people.

731
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 3: That's going to find them.

732
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 1: The me too goal is of real switch because I

733
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: think a lot of us when you approach someone, if

734
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: you don't ask about the weather, you usually try and

735
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 1: compliment someone, and that doesn't work. Vanessa, tell me why

736
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 1: compliments don't work.

737
00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 2: We all want to be complimented, but it makes us

738
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 2: feel very uncomfortab right, Like there's this weird compliment economics

739
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,320
Speaker 2: where it's like, please compliment me, but don't.

740
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 3: It's weird, right, And it also it creates.

741
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:12,280
Speaker 2: An odd hierarchy a little bit where if you're complimenting someone,

742
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 2: it separates you and also you're putting them in the

743
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,719
Speaker 2: position of receiving something they might not be ready for.

744
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 2: Especially I believe in if you're going to compliment someone,

745
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,800
Speaker 2: compliment them on them on something that you share.

746
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:25,880
Speaker 3: Yes, right, so be like, oh my gosh, I have

747
00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 3: those shoes I love them too, right, are we twinsies?

748
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:30,880
Speaker 2: I mean, I guess men usually say twinsies, but like like,

749
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 2: well try please try it twins ees. Just like see

750
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:39,319
Speaker 2: how your male friends respond and be like yes. So

751
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,520
Speaker 2: I think that if you're going to compliment comment on

752
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 2: a shared similarity, then you can kind of celebrate together.

753
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,799
Speaker 2: If you're complimenting someone one way, you're actually putting them

754
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 2: farther away from you, not closer to you.

755
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 1: That distance in hierarchy makes so much sense, especially when

756
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 1: someone's new. It's different if you know someone. But if

757
00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,400
Speaker 1: you randomly go up to on someone and go, oh,

758
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 1: I really like the color of that dress, what are

759
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 1: they going to say and like thanks exactly?

760
00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 2: And now it's like, oh, actually, worse, worse if you

761
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 2: were to say, oh, Vanessa, I like the color your dress.

762
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 3: By the way, I'd be like, I like your color too.

763
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 1: It's black.

764
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:18,080
Speaker 2: That's what happens is like you compliment someone on something

765
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 2: and they're uncomfortable.

766
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 3: So what I do is I'm like, I'm going.

767
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,400
Speaker 2: To comment you back, and I feel so an authentic

768
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 2: right because then I'm like I don't know what to say.

769
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:26,920
Speaker 2: And by the way, if you're going to compliment someone

770
00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,400
Speaker 2: don't compliment the tall guy I'm being tall, Like, don't

771
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,399
Speaker 2: compliment someone on the trade that they didn't even work on. Yes,

772
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 2: like compmiment them on something they worked hard on.

773
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:38,560
Speaker 1: Yes, I get about my eyes all the time. That's

774
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 1: that's the compliment. And I always say I didn't end them,

775
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,239
Speaker 1: So that's like that's my response because I'm like, I

776
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 1: didn't do anything, like thanks to my parents.

777
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,360
Speaker 3: Like also like what do you do? Then you're like,

778
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 3: I'm like your eyes.

779
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:55,359
Speaker 2: Too, and the persons like they're black exactly, And then

780
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:55,840
Speaker 2: you're stuck.

781
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're stuck. And that's what I like about your goal.

782
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,080
Speaker 1: I really really liked that advice, and I hope everyone

783
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 1: uses it. We're trying to get a me too, and

784
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 1: you have to have a goal to every conversation. The

785
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:09,080
Speaker 1: gold cannot be. Let me get to the next question,

786
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 1: which is usually where we get stuck, which is like

787
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: I'm just going to live in this like jumping relationship

788
00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 1: between vices. Yeah yeah, yeah it's and it's like, yeah,

789
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,320
Speaker 1: where did you grow up, what do you do for work?

790
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 1: Do you have any siblings?

791
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,839
Speaker 2: Like all these questions that just okay, so let's let's

792
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 2: let's play this out let's go even deeper. So let's

793
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 2: say that someone's doing that to you. Okay, So there's

794
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,839
Speaker 2: two sides of a conversation. All my students are high achievers,

795
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 2: very smart, a little awkward. Sometimes those are my people.

796
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:38,120
Speaker 2: So what happens is they work on their people skills.

797
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:39,839
Speaker 2: They're like yeah, VanNess, like, I got it, I got

798
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 2: I got the Contextcuse I got my conversations. I'm available

799
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:45,120
Speaker 2: whether it's in work or at play. And then they're

800
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 2: with someone who's doing that to them. Right, You're with

801
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,400
Speaker 2: someone who's like, so, where are you from? You have

802
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 2: a lot of siblings. Okay, So here's how you break

803
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,000
Speaker 2: that social script. One is I want you to think

804
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,200
Speaker 2: of what are the three questions that you're asked most?

805
00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 2: So I have the same questions I'm asked over and

806
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 2: over and in social social settings, and it's usually what

807
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,040
Speaker 2: do you do? Where are you from? How did you

808
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 2: get into that line of work? That's a big one

809
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:08,200
Speaker 2: I get.

810
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 3: Okay.

811
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:12,120
Speaker 2: So the biggest mistake you can make is you are

812
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 2: bored by those answers and you show it. Oh, I'm

813
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 2: from La. It's like right, It's like, yes, yes, I'm

814
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,520
Speaker 2: from La. But it ends the conversation. So I want

815
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:27,080
Speaker 2: you to think of what's a way that you could

816
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 2: answer that question that gives a hook or a story

817
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 2: or it's a funny moment and it is a bridge

818
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,480
Speaker 2: to you asking them something else back. How can you

819
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:39,800
Speaker 2: answer those questions that's going to slightly shift or transform

820
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 2: the conversation and makes you more charismatic. So I even think, like,

821
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,399
Speaker 2: if someone would ask you how are you, you can

822
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 2: answer it, oh, seven out of ten today, right, or

823
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:52,560
Speaker 2: like better on the inside than the outside, right, like

824
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 2: whatever it is, like just like break the script. So

825
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 2: if you break the script with something purposeful and you're like, okay,

826
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 2: when someone and ask me where I'm from and I

827
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,879
Speaker 2: say LA, I know I don't want to talk about La.

828
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 3: I moved for a reason.

829
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 2: I live in Austin texts now, and I want to

830
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,839
Speaker 2: talk about something else. So what I will often say is,

831
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,200
Speaker 2: you know, I'm from LA and about six years ago

832
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,360
Speaker 2: I moved to Austin, Texas, and now I'm a cowgirl

833
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 2: and I wear cowo boots and that's like my thing.

834
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 2: And then we get into a whole much more interesting

835
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 2: conversation about cowgirls or Austin whatever they are interested and

836
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,200
Speaker 2: then I'm looking for me too.

837
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,799
Speaker 3: Yes, right, Oh, I've been to Austin. I love oh

838
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 3: yeah talking about Austin. Do you like tacos?

839
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,920
Speaker 2: I like tacos too, right, so like it weaves and

840
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 2: so on? Are the three questions you get asked the

841
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,279
Speaker 2: most often? And what are three answers that you can

842
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 2: use to get you to more me too moments that

843
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:40,799
Speaker 2: authentically like them? The other thing you can do My

844
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,800
Speaker 2: last when I'm like out, I've been trying and trying

845
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 2: to steer is I will play verbal games. And I've

846
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 2: actually never talked about this on a podcast before, but

847
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,160
Speaker 2: we're gonna see how this sounds. But I really do this,

848
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,879
Speaker 2: which is I love guessing games like I love them.

849
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,319
Speaker 2: So if someone's like, how many siblings do you have,

850
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 2: I'll be.

851
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,719
Speaker 1: Like guess good, And.

852
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 2: I am so curious what they say, because then first

853
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,120
Speaker 2: of all, people are like what like They're like surprised

854
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 2: that I have I'm like, guess what do you think

855
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:09,000
Speaker 2: I am I'm.

856
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:14,239
Speaker 1: Going to say because I don't know, I'm going to

857
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: guess that you have one sibling. I was gonna three, no, way, five, four?

858
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 1: So I have.

859
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 2: I have an older brother and three younger sisters and

860
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 2: so you can guess, and so that already makes it

861
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:38,799
Speaker 2: way more playful, right, It's always fun.

862
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 3: Like if someone guesses I'm an only, I'm.

863
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:41,400
Speaker 1: Like, how dare you?

864
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 3: How dare you?

865
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:44,760
Speaker 2: But then we talk about only and then I, instead

866
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,720
Speaker 2: of asking them back, I say, can I guess yours?

867
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 2: And like sometimes I get it right, And by the way,

868
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:55,120
Speaker 2: that feels really good. Oh gosh, I don't know oldest. No,

869
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 2: I don't don't answer.

870
00:39:56,719 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 3: I just ye, sorry, get real the conversation the youngest, youngest?

871
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 3: You mean, are you the youngest?

872
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:08,200
Speaker 1: I'm the oldest. I have one youngest.

873
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,759
Speaker 2: Okay, so I so it's just like fun to play

874
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:14,320
Speaker 2: the game and then it's kind of like guess and

875
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,200
Speaker 2: then I can be like, oh I didn't I didn't

876
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,480
Speaker 2: peg you. I was thinking oldest or youngest, So you

877
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 2: can kind of have the back and forth. It totally

878
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 2: changes the dynamics of the conversation. And so that's my

879
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 2: last resort is you can play game with I love that.

880
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:29,920
Speaker 2: I also love like if I got this actually from Twitter,

881
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 2: and it totally works. If it says someone says they're

882
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:34,560
Speaker 2: from something, so where are you from?

883
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 1: I'm from London?

884
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:37,720
Speaker 3: The windy City. But I always say the windy city.

885
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:42,279
Speaker 3: It's I don't even know.

886
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 2: I don't know, but you just like you can make

887
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:48,239
Speaker 2: like funny responses back and then people and you have

888
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,839
Speaker 2: a bandit. It just broke the script, right, Like being

889
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,319
Speaker 2: a little playful and conversation also can create me to

890
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,399
Speaker 2: moments because you'll find your person. Yes, right, Like I

891
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:58,920
Speaker 2: try to be funny occasionally, and if you laugh at

892
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 2: my jokes, we're going to be If you don't laugh

893
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,399
Speaker 2: at my jokes, it's not going to go well.

894
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:05,520
Speaker 1: But what I love about that is we often put

895
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,720
Speaker 1: so much pressure on people to be interesting and pressure

896
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 1: on ourselves to be interesting, and we think it's about

897
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 1: having this unique conversation start, or this amazing point of

898
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 1: view or this debate that you know. I feel like

899
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:20,720
Speaker 1: we put so much pressure, like we've got to start

900
00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,560
Speaker 1: giving a ted talk to the person sitting next to us,

901
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:27,239
Speaker 1: and actually that disengages them. I love the guessing game.

902
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:29,600
Speaker 1: I think it applies to any of those three questions

903
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 1: you just share, where do you come from, where do

904
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:33,920
Speaker 1: you live? Now? All of that, and it makes it

905
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,160
Speaker 1: so much more fun and you get a sense of

906
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:39,680
Speaker 1: what someone's personality is and I like the interactivity. It's

907
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:41,920
Speaker 1: almost like, I'm sure you feel this way when you're

908
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 1: on stage a lot and you're talking to an audience.

909
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:47,080
Speaker 1: My least favorite thing is someone saying, give a sixty

910
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: minute keynote and don't engage the audience in the conversation,

911
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 1: because all of a sudden, it's one way. And I

912
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 1: think that's what we think interesting conversations sound like, where

913
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: we can just talk about our lives and come across interesting.

914
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,520
Speaker 2: I also think it's so much pressure to be interesting

915
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 2: because what is interesting is different for different people, and

916
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 2: so if you're trying to be interesting, it's worse than

917
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:11,120
Speaker 2: fake it to you make it. It's what do I

918
00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 2: have to do to perform for you? And I don't

919
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 2: think interactions should be a performance. They should be intentional

920
00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:23,840
Speaker 2: and you're building towards something, which is do I belong?

921
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:25,879
Speaker 3: Do I feel accepted by you?

922
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 2: And this is like a question that I want everyone

923
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,439
Speaker 2: to ask themselves, especially when you think about those first

924
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:34,720
Speaker 2: impression words. Sometimes people who trigger you badly it's because

925
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 2: you don't feel safe. I don't mean necessarily physically safe,

926
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,719
Speaker 2: I mean emotionally safe, where there's topics that you're a

927
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 2: little scared to bring up, or there's things you walk

928
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:45,840
Speaker 2: on eggshells because you just don't know how that's going

929
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 2: to go. And so the other tests you have as

930
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:50,439
Speaker 2: you're doing this back and forth you're getting to know them,

931
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,280
Speaker 2: is do I feel safe to share my real answer?

932
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:57,279
Speaker 2: Do I feel safe to answer something that's not on

933
00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:00,320
Speaker 2: script that's like not what everyone else would in answer?

934
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 3: Do I feel safe to not be interesting? Right?

935
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,320
Speaker 2: Like, if we have this pressure interesting, it's a performance.

936
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 2: If you're like, I'm just going to answer and like

937
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,879
Speaker 2: this may or may not like click with you, then

938
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:12,960
Speaker 2: that's the ultimate belonging.

939
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:16,040
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, yeah, what if what if you're in

940
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 1: one of these conversations and you want it to end?

941
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well, like you just like I want this

942
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,279
Speaker 1: to end. I've been looking around. I'm trying to just

943
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 1: edge towards the door, like side stack. I'm trying to

944
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,440
Speaker 1: figure it out. But like, this guy's hitting on me,

945
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:35,320
Speaker 1: this girl's talking to me, this person's just wasting my time.

946
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:36,840
Speaker 1: I'm in this bar, I'm in this gym.

947
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,799
Speaker 2: What I do this is called the art of a

948
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:43,080
Speaker 2: graceful exit, and it is a skill. You have to

949
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:44,839
Speaker 2: learn it because there's going to be times when you're

950
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,880
Speaker 2: just not with your person and that's okay, okay, So

951
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:49,359
Speaker 2: here's what you do. It's three steps, okay. Set number

952
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 2: one is you begin to nonverbally signal that you want out. Okay,

953
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 2: so we're we kind of subconsciously pick up on these cues.

954
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,240
Speaker 2: So first is you want to point your toes towards

955
00:43:58,239 --> 00:44:01,040
Speaker 2: the door. When we're aligned with someone, we typically angle

956
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 2: our toes towards the person. When we're not into someone,

957
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 2: we typically angle our body and our toes outwards. Funny

958
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 2: anecdote here is we also tend to angle our toes

959
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,400
Speaker 2: towards the person we have a crush on, or the

960
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,400
Speaker 2: most interesting person in the room. So whenever I'm like

961
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:17,280
Speaker 2: at office parties, I can almost always decide the office

962
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:20,680
Speaker 2: crushes because people will subconsciously, even if they're in conversation,

963
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:22,480
Speaker 2: they'll be pouring towards the person they like the most.

964
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,839
Speaker 2: So when you move your toes towards the door, it's

965
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,720
Speaker 2: just it subtly indicates that your body is angled outwards.

966
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:29,680
Speaker 2: And then I also want you to make less eye

967
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,320
Speaker 2: contact right, so that could be an overhead gaze. I

968
00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:34,359
Speaker 2: would never normally do this in a good conversation, but

969
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:37,040
Speaker 2: you want to subtly signal to someone I need to

970
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 2: break right, I need to break off. So then you're

971
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 2: overhead gazing. You're going to glance at the door or

972
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 2: the bathroom. That is also another very small signal, Uh,

973
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 2: I'm disengaged.

974
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:45,319
Speaker 3: Okay.

975
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,759
Speaker 2: So that's one is non verbally signal. Second is you're

976
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:49,960
Speaker 2: going to use verbal cues. The thing that I want

977
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 2: you to do is ask for future plans. When someone

978
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:55,680
Speaker 2: is in a conversation, they're very present. When I would

979
00:44:55,719 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 2: like to go, I'll be like.

980
00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:00,120
Speaker 3: What's your plan tomorrow? Yes, got me a big plan

981
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 3: for the weekend.

982
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:03,200
Speaker 2: Because wait, this is step in them three. They're gonna

983
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,759
Speaker 2: then answer, you know, what is their plan tomorrow?

984
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:05,479
Speaker 3: What is not for the weekend.

985
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 2: They'll be like, well, have so much fun tomorrow or

986
00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:11,560
Speaker 2: this weekend. It was so great talking to you, and

987
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:12,319
Speaker 2: I'll see you later.

988
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:14,440
Speaker 3: Three steps.

989
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 2: The final step is just wish them well on those

990
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:20,320
Speaker 2: future plans, thank them for the conversation, give a handshake

991
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:22,279
Speaker 2: or a high five, and then say I'll see you later.

992
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:24,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great because you can't always just be like, oh,

993
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go get dessert, because you might not

994
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:28,120
Speaker 1: be you coming.

995
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:28,879
Speaker 3: I'll come with you.

996
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:33,880
Speaker 1: I'll come with you. The nightmare reaction. Yeah, why did

997
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:35,480
Speaker 1: I say that? Oh you're not leaving the part yet.

998
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:37,319
Speaker 1: You just want to talk to someone else.

999
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,120
Speaker 2: And look, I'm radically honest. There are times at parties,

1000
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 2: well I will say to someone, you know, it's been

1001
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:43,880
Speaker 2: so great speaking to you. I kind of want to

1002
00:45:43,920 --> 00:45:45,279
Speaker 2: make the rounds or some really cool people here.

1003
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:45,960
Speaker 3: Can we chat later?

1004
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1005
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 3: Like that's okay too, right if.

1006
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:48,840
Speaker 1: You pop confident with that.

1007
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:51,960
Speaker 2: But the few the three steps works, it's like very seamless.

1008
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 2: And then there's one other non verbal queue which I'm

1009
00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:59,640
Speaker 2: gonna teach you that you sparingly. But nodding makes a

1010
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,240
Speaker 2: difference with the amount that people speaks. So research shows

1011
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:07,440
Speaker 2: that a slow triple nod one, two, three makes the

1012
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:09,720
Speaker 2: other person speak sixty seven percent longer.

1013
00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:13,640
Speaker 3: Yeah. So if you're in a conversation and you're going m.

1014
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 2: You're literally telling them non verbally, tell me more, just

1015
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:21,839
Speaker 2: keep on talking. So if you don't, So, if you're

1016
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:24,080
Speaker 2: a good conversation you like what they're saying, please use

1017
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:24,719
Speaker 2: a triple nod.

1018
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:25,759
Speaker 3: It's great, Like you do.

1019
00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:27,479
Speaker 2: It a lot of the interviewer I love it because

1020
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 2: then it makes me keep going. But if you're like,

1021
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:33,760
Speaker 2: I don't want this person to keep talking, stop nodding,

1022
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 2: stop nodding, because you're subtly encouraging them, And then you

1023
00:46:37,120 --> 00:46:40,239
Speaker 2: could also try a fast triple nod. So a slow

1024
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:44,879
Speaker 2: triple nod shows engagement, a fast triple nod shows I'm done.

1025
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 2: It's like this, So here's a good one versus y, Right,

1026
00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:53,680
Speaker 2: just like a subtle way being like got it, got it,

1027
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:56,319
Speaker 2: wrap it up, I got it, I got it. So,

1028
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:59,440
Speaker 2: just like subtle, you don't want to offend anyone sixty

1029
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 2: seven longer.

1030
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes so much sense. I do in the

1031
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:06,719
Speaker 1: podcast all the time. And I've actually been in podcasts

1032
00:47:06,719 --> 00:47:09,360
Speaker 1: where the interviewer, some interview is a trained not to

1033
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:12,360
Speaker 1: nod a tool, and I find it really hard to

1034
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,840
Speaker 1: talk to someone like me where I have to talk,

1035
00:47:16,239 --> 00:47:18,240
Speaker 1: and yeah, if I speak to someone who's not nodding

1036
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 1: a tool, I find it really challenging.

1037
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:23,719
Speaker 2: It's so this is a really important thing is when

1038
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 2: we're talking about cues, there's a cycle. It goes decode,

1039
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:30,279
Speaker 2: en code, internalize, So your sending me cues that is

1040
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:33,479
Speaker 2: called encoding. So encoding is sending signals to someone else.

1041
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:37,240
Speaker 2: You're sending me signals of warmth. Nodding is a warmth queue.

1042
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:39,800
Speaker 2: Head tilting is a warmth cue, right, So that's warmth.

1043
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:43,000
Speaker 2: So you encode me that signal. I decode it. Ah,

1044
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 2: he likes his answer. I internalize it. Keep talking, And

1045
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:48,080
Speaker 2: so this cycle goes on and on. If someone is

1046
00:47:48,160 --> 00:47:51,799
Speaker 2: stoic or mute or they under signal, it kind of

1047
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,920
Speaker 2: breaks that cycle and it isolates the other person. I

1048
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,959
Speaker 2: work with a lot of leaders, and there they wonder

1049
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 2: why their team doesn't like, oh, put up to them,

1050
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:03,319
Speaker 2: or why they're seen as intimidating or cold, and it's

1051
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:06,759
Speaker 2: because they are under signaling. They're not sending enough warmth

1052
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,360
Speaker 2: signals to make other person feel like there's this connection.

1053
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:13,520
Speaker 2: The other way that decoding, encoding, internalizing works is negative cues.

1054
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 2: So muting is one. It stops the cycle. Positive is

1055
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:18,799
Speaker 2: a next where we're like, ah, this is going well.

1056
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:21,480
Speaker 2: Negative is the other one. So there was a research

1057
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:26,080
Speaker 2: study they wanted to know if how negative cues affect

1058
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,319
Speaker 2: someone's physiology. So they devise a little experiment where they

1059
00:48:29,320 --> 00:48:31,520
Speaker 2: had a participant walk into a room of a bunch

1060
00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 2: of other people and they had someone in the room

1061
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:38,799
Speaker 2: a confederate signal a sign of social rejection. So a

1062
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 2: social rejection que is an irol, it's a scoff right,

1063
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 2: it's like a a lip purse. They had them signal

1064
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:49,120
Speaker 2: this towards this unsuspecting participant, and what they found was

1065
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,960
Speaker 2: once the participant the moment they spotted the social rejection queue,

1066
00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:57,640
Speaker 2: their own field of vision increased, their pupils dilated. What

1067
00:48:57,760 --> 00:48:59,920
Speaker 2: happens when when our pupils dilate is we can take

1068
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:01,880
Speaker 2: more of our environment, Like are literally their field of

1069
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,920
Speaker 2: vision increased? Why if we see a Q of social rejection,

1070
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:08,800
Speaker 2: our brain is like, oh is anyone else signaling social rejection?

1071
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 2: What did I do wrong? And where's my escape route?

1072
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:15,040
Speaker 2: Meaning that if we spot a negative queue, it changes

1073
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,200
Speaker 2: our body. Yes, So if you're in an interview or

1074
00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:20,960
Speaker 2: on a date and you're like, I don't I don't

1075
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:23,960
Speaker 2: some I don't feel great about this, listen to that

1076
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 2: because that is your body language reading part of your

1077
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,799
Speaker 2: mind that picked up on a negative queue that your

1078
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 2: brain doesn't like. It could have been a subtle Q

1079
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 2: social rejection. It could have been a vocal cue chaine

1080
00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 2: that you didn't notice. It could be a negative facial

1081
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,680
Speaker 2: expression or gesture. So, for example, in that study they

1082
00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:43,160
Speaker 2: were doing social rejection cues, but they even found if

1083
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:46,279
Speaker 2: someone flashes a fear micro expression at you, so they

1084
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:49,279
Speaker 2: widen the whites of their eyes, and like that, we

1085
00:49:49,320 --> 00:49:51,800
Speaker 2: catch the fear like our own amygdala begins to fire.

1086
00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 2: And so if you feel uneasy with someone, listen to it,

1087
00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,719
Speaker 2: because it means that your body has picked up on

1088
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 2: some thing that it did not like that was a threat,

1089
00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:05,120
Speaker 2: and you should dig deeper into that.

1090
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:08,879
Speaker 1: So let's say you were at the gym, you said hey,

1091
00:50:09,719 --> 00:50:12,719
Speaker 1: they said hey, back. You ended up going on a

1092
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 1: couple of dates. Right, You've graduated from the gym to

1093
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 1: a restaurant or a coffee shop or whatever, and now

1094
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:21,319
Speaker 1: you're on a date with that person and you're trying

1095
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:23,400
Speaker 1: to figure out whether they're lying or telling the truth.

1096
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:26,520
Speaker 1: You're trying to figure out whether you feel good around

1097
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:30,560
Speaker 1: them or not, and you don't really figure that out

1098
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,719
Speaker 1: until third or fourth day. Anyway, you don't really know enough.

1099
00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 1: You're not getting enough cues, going back to your point,

1100
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:39,719
Speaker 1: especially if you're spending time with people in a very

1101
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 1: limited environment. So if you're seeing someone in a coffee shop,

1102
00:50:42,560 --> 00:50:45,160
Speaker 1: or a restaurant or going to the movies or whatever

1103
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:47,080
Speaker 1: it may be. You're seeing them for one and a

1104
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:50,560
Speaker 1: half hours, two hours, and it's controlled. You started to

1105
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 1: spend more time with them. What are the negative cues

1106
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:56,800
Speaker 1: we miss because we're infatuated or attracted to someone.

1107
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:59,480
Speaker 2: The research shows that it takes two hundred hours to

1108
00:50:59,520 --> 00:51:03,360
Speaker 2: become close friends with someone, so a soulmate or a partner,

1109
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 2: it's even more. That's a lot of hours, and we

1110
00:51:05,920 --> 00:51:08,400
Speaker 2: tend to make very big decisions about a relationship in

1111
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,920
Speaker 2: the first six hours.

1112
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:10,920
Speaker 3: Not enough.

1113
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:13,120
Speaker 2: And so what you said was really important is first,

1114
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:16,959
Speaker 2: is I want you to get off script. Coffee shops, restaurants,

1115
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:20,840
Speaker 2: those are very controlled environments. They've probably done those dates

1116
00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:23,319
Speaker 2: a lot. I want you to get off script. I

1117
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:27,320
Speaker 2: want you to do what I call the car challenge,

1118
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,839
Speaker 2: which is I want you to drive somewhere an hour

1119
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:30,640
Speaker 2: away with them.

1120
00:51:31,280 --> 00:51:32,880
Speaker 1: Oh wow, it's a lot of trust.

1121
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:33,560
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1122
00:51:33,640 --> 00:51:35,319
Speaker 2: Well, so you've had three or four dates, right, and

1123
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 2: you're like to be say, I feel safe. Right, So,

1124
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:39,480
Speaker 2: but you're like, is this clicking?

1125
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:40,240
Speaker 3: Are we clicking?

1126
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:42,040
Speaker 2: You might just be on script. It might be like

1127
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 2: just it it's two vanilla. It's to the same or

1128
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:46,319
Speaker 2: maybe you are picking up on something. So the road

1129
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:49,200
Speaker 2: trip challenge is when you pick somewhere an hour away

1130
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:51,839
Speaker 2: that's a different activity. It could be hiking, it could

1131
00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:54,120
Speaker 2: be pick a ball, could be art class, it could

1132
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:57,600
Speaker 2: be a wine tasting, anything that's not restaurant or coffee shop,

1133
00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:00,239
Speaker 2: normal things. You have an hour there about it our

1134
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:02,880
Speaker 2: activity to our activity an hour back. You're going to

1135
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:05,640
Speaker 2: find out in that setting how they drive or how

1136
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:08,640
Speaker 2: they listen to you, how they stop, stop and get gas,

1137
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,160
Speaker 2: stop and pick up some snacks. Like we're trying to

1138
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:13,640
Speaker 2: see them in a lot of different environments. How do

1139
00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:16,319
Speaker 2: they treat people, how do they treat your space? You

1140
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 2: want to see them off script, that's the very first thing.

1141
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,479
Speaker 2: Then you're going to be looking for what I call

1142
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:25,040
Speaker 2: cues of inauthenticity. Cues of inauthenticity is when you're verbal

1143
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:27,120
Speaker 2: does not match your nonverbal And this is what liars do.

1144
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:28,840
Speaker 2: So we do a lot of light detection sides of

1145
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,160
Speaker 2: people because I'm fascinated by what are the cues that

1146
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,839
Speaker 2: humans do when they're not telling the truth. And all

1147
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:37,600
Speaker 2: of the light detection cues are when there's incongruence, it

1148
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:39,960
Speaker 2: means someone is saying something but they're not showing it.

1149
00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:42,720
Speaker 2: So nodding is a good example of this. So we've

1150
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,759
Speaker 2: found we have a little game we play with people

1151
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 2: in our lab where we ask them two truths and

1152
00:52:46,719 --> 00:52:49,200
Speaker 2: a lie. Share two truths about yourself on one lie.

1153
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:53,360
Speaker 2: Sometimes people will say yes but shake their head no,

1154
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:57,480
Speaker 2: or say no but shake their head yes. That's an incongruence,

1155
00:52:57,560 --> 00:53:00,440
Speaker 2: and liars will often do this. So you'll ask, you know,

1156
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:03,040
Speaker 2: so what do you think of the new girl? You know,

1157
00:53:03,160 --> 00:53:08,480
Speaker 2: she's she's great, And they're shaking their head no, but

1158
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:12,680
Speaker 2: they're saying yes. There's a hesitation there, but we don't

1159
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:15,600
Speaker 2: even notice it. But once you start to look out

1160
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:17,080
Speaker 2: for it, you'll start to see these incongruents.

1161
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:21,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm like, I do that,

1162
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:22,560
Speaker 1: see now the people do it like you know, you

1163
00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:23,799
Speaker 1: just yeah, wow.

1164
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,240
Speaker 2: And also could be doubt, right, like someone someone could

1165
00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:29,400
Speaker 2: not know if they like the girl or not, so

1166
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 2: they're kind of yeah, kind of sort of right by

1167
00:53:33,760 --> 00:53:36,160
Speaker 2: the way India, Bulgaria and Pakistan, nodding is a little

1168
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 2: bit different, very different for sure, right, So I just

1169
00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:42,799
Speaker 2: like to make that note. So looking for incongruits, they're

1170
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:45,520
Speaker 2: saying I'm happy, but they're not showing happy like a

1171
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:47,440
Speaker 2: fake smile, for example, is a real smile when we

1172
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:49,320
Speaker 2: reach all the way up into these upper cheek muscles.

1173
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 2: So when I'm smiling all the way, I get these

1174
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:51,759
Speaker 2: crows feet.

1175
00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:52,000
Speaker 3: Right.

1176
00:53:52,200 --> 00:53:54,799
Speaker 2: If someone says to you, oh, I'm so happy for you,

1177
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:01,239
Speaker 2: dead on the top right, too much botox, either one.

1178
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 3: That's getting harder. It's making my job harder. It's making

1179
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:05,120
Speaker 3: my job harder that you.

1180
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:07,960
Speaker 2: Know, oh, there's not real happiness here. And this happens

1181
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 2: a lot in dating when you'll say your truth, you'll

1182
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:13,160
Speaker 2: say your passion or your value or your love, and

1183
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,319
Speaker 2: they'll go, oh, that's nice, and they're giving you a

1184
00:54:16,320 --> 00:54:20,520
Speaker 2: fake smile. They're saying that's verbally okay, and your brain goes, uh,

1185
00:54:20,719 --> 00:54:25,279
Speaker 2: that's oftentimes your body has picked up on ooh they

1186
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,239
Speaker 2: said it was good, but I didn't feel it was good.

1187
00:54:27,560 --> 00:54:30,960
Speaker 2: So you're looking for incongruent cues or clues that someone

1188
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:33,560
Speaker 2: is not stating what they actually feel. And when you're

1189
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:36,160
Speaker 2: off script, you see way more of them. Yeah, you

1190
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:38,359
Speaker 2: see way way more of them. I also think there's

1191
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:41,959
Speaker 2: some cues that we can't read. For example, we catch

1192
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:44,799
Speaker 2: fear through smell. So I mentioned the smell before. This

1193
00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:48,279
Speaker 2: is a study that completely blew my mind. They brought

1194
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 2: people into their lab. They sold them up into different groups.

1195
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:53,840
Speaker 2: They had them wear sweatsuits like suits that caught their sweat.

1196
00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:55,759
Speaker 2: The first group had to run on the treadmill, the

1197
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:58,960
Speaker 2: second group skydiveage for the first time. They had two

1198
00:54:59,040 --> 00:55:02,560
Speaker 2: collections of sweat. They had treadmill sweat and fear sweat.

1199
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:06,280
Speaker 2: Then they had unsuspecting participants in an fMRI machine smell

1200
00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:09,480
Speaker 2: these two sweat samples. I had no idea if they

1201
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 2: were smelling gross, right, I hope they paid them well.

1202
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:12,320
Speaker 3: So gross.

1203
00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:17,480
Speaker 2: People who smelled the fear sweat caught the fear. They

1204
00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:20,480
Speaker 2: smelled this random thing, and their own amygdala began to

1205
00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:24,000
Speaker 2: light up. They began to feel afraid. So sometimes when

1206
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:27,400
Speaker 2: you're with someone and you're like, I just feel so uneasy,

1207
00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:30,440
Speaker 2: there's also this unreadable aspect. But I want you to

1208
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:33,080
Speaker 2: listen to it. Because our brains are so smart. They

1209
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 2: are working to protect us. And so if you you're

1210
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 2: like I feel off, that's your alarm belts. It's probably

1211
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:40,120
Speaker 2: your amygdala signaling something does not feel right here.

1212
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 1: Gosh I cannot believe you can tell that much from

1213
00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:45,160
Speaker 1: sense smell.

1214
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:47,760
Speaker 2: Oh, it's coming, that's the studies are coming. I cannot

1215
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:49,320
Speaker 2: wait for these old factory last.

1216
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:53,279
Speaker 1: Now that's what anyone's gonna do. I'm into it.

1217
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:56,320
Speaker 2: I'm into it, like if someone runs by me, I'm like,

1218
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:57,080
Speaker 2: I want to smell.

1219
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 3: I want to smell. I think it's important.

1220
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:02,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, but how much obviously, how much does how much

1221
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,799
Speaker 1: do you perfumes help people live?

1222
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:06,719
Speaker 2: So all these studies are based on natural body sense.

1223
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:09,000
Speaker 2: In these studies, they make them more plain white T shirt.

1224
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 2: They don't let them more to good or anything like that,

1225
00:56:10,760 --> 00:56:13,560
Speaker 2: so it's natural smell. I actually think that sometimes too

1226
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:16,880
Speaker 2: much coliner perfume is like masking. Like I don't know,

1227
00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:18,760
Speaker 2: if you've ever been with someone we were like, whoa,

1228
00:56:19,360 --> 00:56:20,000
Speaker 2: it's too much.

1229
00:56:20,239 --> 00:56:20,759
Speaker 3: I don't like it.

1230
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:23,759
Speaker 2: I think in dating, actually you should underscent, like let

1231
00:56:23,800 --> 00:56:24,480
Speaker 2: your natural scentse.

1232
00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:27,160
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's really funny because yeah, yeah, my wife's Stepani

1233
00:56:27,160 --> 00:56:30,479
Speaker 1: into like natural essential oils. She won't really use any

1234
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:33,600
Speaker 1: of and I'm happy with that. But then I have

1235
00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:37,080
Speaker 1: one cologne that I love that she hates but everyone

1236
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:39,959
Speaker 1: else in the world loves. But she likes my natural scent,

1237
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:43,319
Speaker 1: but she doesn't want me to. Yeah, it's an interesting one,

1238
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,400
Speaker 1: but everywhere else ago ever friend loves it. So I'm like,

1239
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:46,560
Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep sprying this.

1240
00:56:47,120 --> 00:56:50,120
Speaker 3: My gosh, you're like white for other people's Sorry.

1241
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:55,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, my wife loves me already. But you know what's

1242
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:59,120
Speaker 1: really interesting about that is I think sometimes we all

1243
00:56:59,160 --> 00:57:02,280
Speaker 1: know that. I know that there's a big difference between

1244
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:05,480
Speaker 1: what you're sharing and teaching and people pleasing. There's a

1245
00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:09,560
Speaker 1: big difference. But to the untrained eye, it's a fine

1246
00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:13,840
Speaker 1: line where people are now trying to get a reaction,

1247
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:18,720
Speaker 1: and therefore they're starting to say things that they may

1248
00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:21,360
Speaker 1: not mean, which is not what you're suggesting at all.

1249
00:57:21,480 --> 00:57:24,600
Speaker 2: I also think, like I look at people pleasing as

1250
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:29,640
Speaker 2: our deep desire to be liked. It is so safe

1251
00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:32,720
Speaker 2: for us to be liked, and so when I look

1252
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:36,480
Speaker 2: at the research, so research from Prince University found that

1253
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:39,760
Speaker 2: as humans, we are trying to answer two basic questions

1254
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,000
Speaker 2: about other human beings. Can I trust you? And can

1255
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,520
Speaker 2: I rely on you? We are constantly trying to assess

1256
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:48,160
Speaker 2: people's warmth and competence. Warmth and competence makes up eighty

1257
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:50,680
Speaker 2: two percent of our judgments of people eighty two percent,

1258
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:54,520
Speaker 2: and so warmth is actually we're talking about here in

1259
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:57,960
Speaker 2: that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence.

1260
00:57:58,000 --> 00:57:59,720
Speaker 2: We're very high and warmth maybe not as high in comptence,

1261
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 2: or we're signaling a lot of warmth but not signaling

1262
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:05,760
Speaker 2: enough competence. Highly warm folks people who are off the

1263
00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:09,880
Speaker 2: charts in warmth. Their primary desire is to be liked.

1264
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,960
Speaker 2: Highly competent folks. This is a lot of my students.

1265
00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:17,720
Speaker 2: They want to be right. So a highly competent person,

1266
00:58:18,320 --> 00:58:21,080
Speaker 2: they're very at work, they want to be on agenda.

1267
00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 2: They want to get it right. You know you're in

1268
00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,560
Speaker 2: a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly

1269
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:29,400
Speaker 2: google fact check you right. They're less concerned about you

1270
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,480
Speaker 2: liking them, but they just want to make sure they

1271
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:33,480
Speaker 2: get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you

1272
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:37,120
Speaker 2: to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility

1273
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:40,200
Speaker 2: to be liked. That is actually what people pleasing is.

1274
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:43,280
Speaker 2: In my opinion, I think people pleasing is someone who goes,

1275
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:45,960
Speaker 2: I so want to be liked that I'm willing to

1276
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:48,280
Speaker 2: throw my competence out the window just so that you

1277
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:51,640
Speaker 2: like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for

1278
00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:54,920
Speaker 2: their need to be respected. I say to people pleasers

1279
00:58:55,640 --> 00:59:01,160
Speaker 2: what true communication is is showcasing both be both liked

1280
00:59:01,280 --> 00:59:05,160
Speaker 2: and respected. You can be both friendly and credible. You

1281
00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:08,160
Speaker 2: can be assertive and also be nice. One of my

1282
00:59:08,200 --> 00:59:10,640
Speaker 2: most popular videos is a Nice Person's Guy to be

1283
00:59:10,720 --> 00:59:14,120
Speaker 2: assertive because you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.

1284
00:59:14,400 --> 00:59:16,040
Speaker 2: And so for my people pleaser is what I would

1285
00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:18,760
Speaker 2: say is your goal, sure is to be liked, but

1286
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:21,120
Speaker 2: it's also to make sure that people respect who you

1287
00:59:21,240 --> 00:59:24,280
Speaker 2: are and your values. So if you're having conversations with

1288
00:59:24,320 --> 00:59:26,360
Speaker 2: me two moments, what you're actually doing.

1289
00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:29,560
Speaker 3: Is do you value that? Do I value that? Great,

1290
00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:30,600
Speaker 3: we both value it.

1291
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:34,320
Speaker 2: When it becomes inauthentic, when I think we get into

1292
00:59:34,360 --> 00:59:39,200
Speaker 2: even like manipulation, is I don't like that, and I'm

1293
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:42,160
Speaker 2: going to pretend I do. Yeah, Right, when someone has

1294
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,400
Speaker 2: a fake me too moment, like I was just watching

1295
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,160
Speaker 2: an episode of The Kardashians and they were interviewing someone

1296
00:59:48,200 --> 00:59:49,520
Speaker 2: in our job interview this is the biggest problem in

1297
00:59:49,600 --> 00:59:52,880
Speaker 2: job interviews. And they ask him do you use quick books?

1298
00:59:53,240 --> 00:59:55,040
Speaker 2: And he was like yeah, and they said, what do

1299
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:58,400
Speaker 2: you use quick books? For and he was like quick booking,

1300
00:59:58,560 --> 01:00:00,880
Speaker 2: like he did not know, yeah quick, And that was

1301
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:03,280
Speaker 2: inauthentic because he wanted to be liked. He wanted to

1302
01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:04,640
Speaker 2: say he had it. He should have just said no,

1303
01:00:04,680 --> 01:00:05,800
Speaker 2: I haven't met I'm a fast learner.

1304
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:06,240
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1305
01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:08,880
Speaker 2: When I think people pleasers get into trouble is they

1306
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:12,680
Speaker 2: pretend they like something that they don't, and that is manipulative,

1307
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:14,360
Speaker 2: but also it doesn't serve you or them.

1308
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:18,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, and we do it, and people do it to us, right,

1309
01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:20,480
Speaker 1: like if we're all honest, like everyone kind of does it.

1310
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:23,960
Speaker 1: Someone may overtly do on a date, especially especially in

1311
01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:27,480
Speaker 1: the beginning, yes, and then you realize afterwards that they

1312
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:30,320
Speaker 1: didn't really know what that was or loved that type

1313
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:31,000
Speaker 1: of food.

1314
01:00:30,920 --> 01:00:33,800
Speaker 2: Or you accidentally have lied yes, and they pick up

1315
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:34,400
Speaker 2: on your line.

1316
01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:39,120
Speaker 3: Yeah right, So you're like I love cats. I love them.

1317
01:00:39,120 --> 01:00:40,840
Speaker 2: Now I'm allergic to cats, but I'm like, I just

1318
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:43,360
Speaker 2: love a cat, and the other person's like ooh, and

1319
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:45,360
Speaker 2: they got this signal in their body that was like

1320
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 2: I don't I don't know about this person, but actually

1321
01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:49,920
Speaker 2: it was because you were just trying to be likable

1322
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:53,560
Speaker 2: and I would much rather you say, you know what,

1323
01:00:54,320 --> 01:00:54,840
Speaker 2: I love.

1324
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:55,960
Speaker 3: The idea of cats too.

1325
01:00:56,240 --> 01:00:58,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm allergic, right, And then everyone laughs and

1326
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:01,200
Speaker 2: it's okay, right, And if that's a deal breaker for them,

1327
01:01:01,280 --> 01:01:05,280
Speaker 2: wouldn't you rather know, Like in dating especially, I would

1328
01:01:05,360 --> 01:01:07,600
Speaker 2: rather you create allergies for the person.

1329
01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:09,200
Speaker 3: So my approach to dating.

1330
01:01:09,240 --> 01:01:11,040
Speaker 2: I have a couple of single friends is I'm like,

1331
01:01:11,640 --> 01:01:15,560
Speaker 2: don't be liked by everyone. Don't have a profile or

1332
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:17,000
Speaker 2: go on a first date and try to be the

1333
01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:19,760
Speaker 2: most liked person. In fact, if you have things that

1334
01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:22,840
Speaker 2: really matter to you, share them up front. I had

1335
01:01:22,840 --> 01:01:25,240
Speaker 2: a friend who was trying to date and I was

1336
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:26,960
Speaker 2: having a lot of trouble and I'm like, what are

1337
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:29,800
Speaker 2: you putting in your profile about you? And it was

1338
01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:33,680
Speaker 2: the most vague generic, like I love beaches.

1339
01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:36,320
Speaker 3: It's like everybody likes a bach, Like everybody likes that.

1340
01:01:36,600 --> 01:01:36,800
Speaker 1: You know.

1341
01:01:36,920 --> 01:01:39,040
Speaker 2: She had all the very and I said, get really specific,

1342
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,760
Speaker 2: you know, like you love beaches, but what do you hate?

1343
01:01:41,680 --> 01:01:42,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's like I hate camping?

1344
01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:45,480
Speaker 2: Like say it, Like, why even go on a date

1345
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:47,320
Speaker 2: with a guy who loves camping?

1346
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:48,600
Speaker 3: That's not going to be you.

1347
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:51,320
Speaker 2: And so I think that if you don't like something,

1348
01:01:51,360 --> 01:01:53,000
Speaker 2: if you're looking for me two moments and a not

1349
01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:56,080
Speaker 2: me too moment comes up. What an opportunity, Yes, you

1350
01:01:56,080 --> 01:01:58,560
Speaker 2: have an opportunity to be super authentic and be maybe

1351
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,280
Speaker 2: a little bit funny and still accept them for who

1352
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:02,680
Speaker 2: they are, but realize, okay, we're not gonna drive on that.

1353
01:02:02,840 --> 01:02:04,600
Speaker 2: If that's a deal breaker for you, wouldn't you rather

1354
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:04,920
Speaker 2: know it?

1355
01:02:05,080 --> 01:02:07,720
Speaker 1: Yeah? And it starts a great conversation too. I think

1356
01:02:07,760 --> 01:02:10,360
Speaker 1: that's the point that you think you're gonna suddenly take

1357
01:02:10,400 --> 01:02:13,280
Speaker 1: away the energy from a conversation, But if you have

1358
01:02:13,280 --> 01:02:15,240
Speaker 1: an interesting point of view, you have a different direction

1359
01:02:15,320 --> 01:02:16,240
Speaker 1: to take it. It can be great.

1360
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:18,040
Speaker 2: Some of my closest friends we tease each other about

1361
01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:20,880
Speaker 2: our biggest differences, right like that becomes a beautiful friendship too.

1362
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 2: So I think that's where people pleasers get in trouble

1363
01:02:23,280 --> 01:02:26,120
Speaker 2: and they feel bad about themselves because then what happens

1364
01:02:26,120 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 2: at the end, they feel unliked and like nothing's worse

1365
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:30,280
Speaker 2: than feeling unlovable or unlikable.

1366
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:32,959
Speaker 1: Totally. I want to go into the part you mentioned

1367
01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:38,080
Speaker 1: their manipulation because I think people who are charismatic and

1368
01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:42,400
Speaker 1: narcissists often have quite similar traits, or at least today

1369
01:02:42,440 --> 01:02:45,720
Speaker 1: we talk about them in that way and it's hard

1370
01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:50,880
Speaker 1: because some people just have that power and control and

1371
01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:54,440
Speaker 1: feel like they're almost moving everyone else around like their pawns.

1372
01:02:55,040 --> 01:02:57,520
Speaker 1: And often it can be quite magnetic. We can be

1373
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:02,000
Speaker 1: quite drawn to it at first because it feels, yeah,

1374
01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:04,400
Speaker 1: it feels like there's awe in reverence and there's this

1375
01:03:04,840 --> 01:03:08,040
Speaker 1: feeling of wow, you blow me away and you have

1376
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:11,960
Speaker 1: so much magnetic energy, only to realize it was manipulation

1377
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:15,440
Speaker 1: and narcissm. How do we tell the difference between charisma

1378
01:03:15,720 --> 01:03:16,600
Speaker 1: and narcissism.

1379
01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:20,280
Speaker 2: This is why I like the car test is typically

1380
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:24,240
Speaker 2: narcissess have a pattern. Narciss blow you away with their charisma.

1381
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:26,840
Speaker 2: At first, you are just in awe. They know how

1382
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:30,000
Speaker 2: to signal warmth and competence. They're finding me to a

1383
01:03:30,040 --> 01:03:33,600
Speaker 2: moment you're like, wow, I'm clicking. And their confidence is contagious.

1384
01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:36,200
Speaker 2: We love to be around highly confident people, which often

1385
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,360
Speaker 2: narcists are very confident. So in that first hour two

1386
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:42,640
Speaker 2: three hours we're blown away. Then typically they go one

1387
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:46,000
Speaker 2: of two ways. The first way is narcissis if they

1388
01:03:46,040 --> 01:03:48,240
Speaker 2: don't get what they want even a little bit, they

1389
01:03:48,280 --> 01:03:52,240
Speaker 2: go into victim mode. So there's a misunderstanding about narcissis,

1390
01:03:52,280 --> 01:03:55,600
Speaker 2: which is that they're always confident. When a narciss doesn't

1391
01:03:55,640 --> 01:03:57,880
Speaker 2: get what they want or doesn't get what they feel

1392
01:03:57,880 --> 01:04:01,040
Speaker 2: they deserve, and listen for that word with narciss I

1393
01:04:01,160 --> 01:04:04,680
Speaker 2: don't deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve something better,

1394
01:04:04,880 --> 01:04:08,280
Speaker 2: I'm worth more. Be very aware of those words. If

1395
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:09,760
Speaker 2: they don't feel like they get what they deserve it,

1396
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:12,800
Speaker 2: or they're not getting what they're worth, they become victims.

1397
01:04:13,600 --> 01:04:18,520
Speaker 2: Listen for that victim language because narcissists will sometimes be

1398
01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:21,680
Speaker 2: very charismatic, but they're playing the victim card, and the

1399
01:04:21,760 --> 01:04:24,280
Speaker 2: victim card is really dangerous because then it's everyone else's

1400
01:04:24,320 --> 01:04:26,080
Speaker 2: fault and then all of a sudden, you're enabling it.

1401
01:04:26,120 --> 01:04:29,200
Speaker 2: You're like, well, I have to protect you. You're so charismatic.

1402
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,960
Speaker 2: And that's how they are manipulative with people, is they

1403
01:04:32,000 --> 01:04:33,880
Speaker 2: play the victim card and you want to protect them.

1404
01:04:34,200 --> 01:04:36,480
Speaker 2: So be very careful of that dynamic, because I think

1405
01:04:36,520 --> 01:04:37,360
Speaker 2: that we often are like.

1406
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:41,400
Speaker 3: Well, she's not a narcissist, she's suffering, she needs my help.

1407
01:04:42,280 --> 01:04:44,600
Speaker 2: That is often actually a narcissist is they're playing the

1408
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:46,440
Speaker 2: victim because they want your help and that makes them

1409
01:04:46,440 --> 01:04:50,040
Speaker 2: feel good. That's one pattern. The second pattern is that

1410
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:54,320
Speaker 2: narciss can be high conflict people. A high conflict person

1411
01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:57,040
Speaker 2: is they're very charismatic and they blow you away with

1412
01:04:57,080 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 2: their charisma, but they create all these little disagreements fights,

1413
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:04,880
Speaker 2: They create conflict around them, and they step and they

1414
01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:06,160
Speaker 2: back up and they go, I don't know, I don't

1415
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:10,080
Speaker 2: know how that happened. But they're constantly stirring or stoking conflict.

1416
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:12,680
Speaker 2: Watch out for that. Yeah, that's the other reason why

1417
01:05:12,920 --> 01:05:15,840
Speaker 2: those car trips, getting out of restaurants and coffee shops

1418
01:05:15,880 --> 01:05:18,280
Speaker 2: is it's very easy to not have conflict in those

1419
01:05:18,360 --> 01:05:21,040
Speaker 2: very controlled settings. But if someone cuts you off on

1420
01:05:21,080 --> 01:05:25,440
Speaker 2: the road, or someone short changes you, or someone's late,

1421
01:05:25,840 --> 01:05:29,200
Speaker 2: you get to see, oh wow, they play victim or

1422
01:05:29,840 --> 01:05:31,960
Speaker 2: they're creating conflict where there doesn't really need to be conflicts.

1423
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:34,080
Speaker 2: And then when they're brainstorming in the car, because there's

1424
01:05:34,120 --> 01:05:37,080
Speaker 2: something that happens when you're next to someone, I think

1425
01:05:37,120 --> 01:05:41,840
Speaker 2: they verbalize differently. Like typically women like to diead have

1426
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:45,480
Speaker 2: conversation like this face to face. Men sometimes like to

1427
01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:48,000
Speaker 2: have conversations side by side. It's why they like talking

1428
01:05:48,080 --> 01:05:50,200
Speaker 2: it at a bar because they're side by side. They

1429
01:05:50,360 --> 01:05:52,240
Speaker 2: like talking on a walk or a hike. They like

1430
01:05:52,280 --> 01:05:54,920
Speaker 2: talking in a car. So sometimes if you're next to

1431
01:05:55,000 --> 01:05:57,640
Speaker 2: someone and they're just driving, or you're driving and they're listening,

1432
01:05:58,160 --> 01:06:00,920
Speaker 2: they'll say things they wouldn't normally say in a in

1433
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:03,080
Speaker 2: a face to faced eye ad and you might hear, oh,

1434
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,959
Speaker 2: that's interesting those patterns. I didn't know that you felt

1435
01:06:06,000 --> 01:06:08,400
Speaker 2: that way about that thing. And so you want to

1436
01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:11,400
Speaker 2: make sure that you're looking for those secret patterns of manipulators,

1437
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:12,479
Speaker 2: not just the obvious ones.

1438
01:06:12,920 --> 01:06:14,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, that I mean that what you just said there

1439
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:18,360
Speaker 1: about the way we sit and speak to people. It's

1440
01:06:18,400 --> 01:06:20,560
Speaker 1: a lot more easy to be open with someone if

1441
01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:22,880
Speaker 1: you're not staring eye to eye, especially for men. I

1442
01:06:22,920 --> 01:06:27,040
Speaker 1: assume yes, and there's a sense of yeah, there's a

1443
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:30,040
Speaker 1: sense of we're kind of moving in the same direction

1444
01:06:30,240 --> 01:06:33,080
Speaker 1: rather than against each other. That kicks in. I think

1445
01:06:33,120 --> 01:06:35,760
Speaker 1: there was this there was a story about how Steve

1446
01:06:35,840 --> 01:06:38,040
Speaker 1: Jobs always used to do walking meetings, like, yes, you

1447
01:06:38,040 --> 01:06:40,080
Speaker 1: always wanted to walk side by side with people.

1448
01:06:40,360 --> 01:06:43,840
Speaker 2: Yes, so I like with friends, I or even if

1449
01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:46,000
Speaker 2: business friends come into town, I always ask for a

1450
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:48,480
Speaker 2: walk and talk always, and I never say let's get coffee.

1451
01:06:48,480 --> 01:06:50,520
Speaker 2: I'm always like, let's get tacos. Yes, like just to

1452
01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:52,200
Speaker 2: like break it up, break the script a little bit.

1453
01:06:52,200 --> 01:06:54,400
Speaker 2: And I do find there's something about walking and movement

1454
01:06:54,440 --> 01:06:57,720
Speaker 2: that also you have more breath, you're looking around. I

1455
01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:01,520
Speaker 2: have a secret feeling that when I walk and talk

1456
01:07:01,560 --> 01:07:03,160
Speaker 2: with someone, they're more creative.

1457
01:07:03,360 --> 01:07:05,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're like more open.

1458
01:07:05,000 --> 01:07:08,640
Speaker 2: Minded, Like they go places that we could never have gotten.

1459
01:07:08,680 --> 01:07:10,720
Speaker 2: I swear we could have never gotten over a coffee.

1460
01:07:10,840 --> 01:07:12,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree. I think the big thing I'm

1461
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:16,360
Speaker 1: taking away is this off script idea. Yeah, it's just

1462
01:07:16,520 --> 01:07:19,480
Speaker 1: breaking the script. It's interrupting the pattern. Yeah, because we're

1463
01:07:19,520 --> 01:07:22,160
Speaker 1: all so caught up in our patterns. And by the way,

1464
01:07:22,200 --> 01:07:25,200
Speaker 1: that makes you boring as well, it makes you less interesting.

1465
01:07:25,800 --> 01:07:27,360
Speaker 1: Just as you said earlier, if you've being asked the

1466
01:07:27,400 --> 01:07:31,440
Speaker 1: same three questions, it's hard to answer them in an

1467
01:07:31,480 --> 01:07:34,400
Speaker 1: interesting way. It's hard to make how many siblings you

1468
01:07:34,480 --> 01:07:39,200
Speaker 1: have an interesting conversation on the thirty seventh time over coffee, But.

1469
01:07:39,160 --> 01:07:41,360
Speaker 3: When they're guessing, it's always interesting exactly.

1470
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:44,160
Speaker 1: And that's what I love. How you've interrupted the pattern,

1471
01:07:44,480 --> 01:07:47,959
Speaker 1: whether that's through the questions you ask, whether that's through gamification,

1472
01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:51,440
Speaker 1: whether it's through changing the path the way you're connecting.

1473
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:54,400
Speaker 2: And also let's get to the chemistry of this. When

1474
01:07:54,520 --> 01:07:57,640
Speaker 2: you give an exciting answer or a different answer, you

1475
01:07:57,680 --> 01:07:58,800
Speaker 2: are creating dopamine.

1476
01:07:58,880 --> 01:08:00,400
Speaker 3: Now don't mean there's a lot of things.

1477
01:08:00,200 --> 01:08:03,960
Speaker 2: In our bodies, but in conversation, dopamine is the chemical

1478
01:08:04,000 --> 01:08:07,040
Speaker 2: of motivation and excitement. So if I asked you a

1479
01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:09,560
Speaker 2: question or answered a question in a different way, I

1480
01:08:09,680 --> 01:08:14,080
Speaker 2: highlighted a new neural pathway, my brain went ooh, something new.

1481
01:08:14,480 --> 01:08:17,080
Speaker 2: And that dopamine does a couple of things. One, it

1482
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:20,120
Speaker 2: gets you excited. It makes you feel more positive. Two

1483
01:08:20,320 --> 01:08:23,439
Speaker 2: it doctor John and Madina found that dopamine makes you

1484
01:08:23,479 --> 01:08:26,840
Speaker 2: more memorable. So if you're in conversation and someone's gone

1485
01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:29,960
Speaker 2: on fifty first dates, or like you're in a business meeting.

1486
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:32,880
Speaker 2: This especially in business, I say to people, create dopamine

1487
01:08:32,880 --> 01:08:35,080
Speaker 2: in the boardroom. You've got to make your presentation to

1488
01:08:35,120 --> 01:08:37,400
Speaker 2: stand out. You've got to create dopamine in an interview.

1489
01:08:37,600 --> 01:08:39,400
Speaker 2: If you're pitching work with a lot of entrepreneurs, you've

1490
01:08:39,400 --> 01:08:42,240
Speaker 2: got to create dopamine in those investors. Because dopamine is

1491
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:45,679
Speaker 2: what makes the brain go, oh, this person gave me pleasure.

1492
01:08:45,920 --> 01:08:47,160
Speaker 3: I want to remember them.

1493
01:08:47,479 --> 01:08:49,599
Speaker 2: When you trigger dopamine people are more likely to remember

1494
01:08:49,600 --> 01:08:52,840
Speaker 2: your name, what you talked about, and what you care about.

1495
01:08:53,439 --> 01:08:56,160
Speaker 2: So if you want to be more memorable, the best

1496
01:08:56,160 --> 01:08:59,759
Speaker 2: thing you can do is try to create excitement moments

1497
01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:02,320
Speaker 2: for them, both of you. Me two moments are typically excitement.

1498
01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:04,000
Speaker 2: That's the secret motivation about why I want you to

1499
01:09:04,040 --> 01:09:06,840
Speaker 2: have me two moments. And then also sharing stories. I

1500
01:09:06,920 --> 01:09:08,679
Speaker 2: kind of have like a story toolbox. I like keep

1501
01:09:08,680 --> 01:09:10,800
Speaker 2: all my favorite stories and a little note on my

1502
01:09:10,840 --> 01:09:13,080
Speaker 2: phone because I just like telling them, you know, And

1503
01:09:13,120 --> 01:09:16,400
Speaker 2: so like start collecting or cataloging stories because those are

1504
01:09:16,400 --> 01:09:18,720
Speaker 2: gifts for people. You tell a good story, someone's like

1505
01:09:18,760 --> 01:09:20,559
Speaker 2: ah yeah, like they like love it.

1506
01:09:21,120 --> 01:09:22,960
Speaker 3: And then lastly is juice excitement.

1507
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,160
Speaker 2: So when we talk about conversation starters, I have a

1508
01:09:25,200 --> 01:09:28,120
Speaker 2: couple favorites. So if you're going to stop asking what

1509
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,479
Speaker 2: do you do? Where are you from? I love context cues.

1510
01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:33,640
Speaker 2: The other thing you can do with people you already know,

1511
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:38,760
Speaker 2: especially at work, is ask working on anything exciting these days? So,

1512
01:09:38,800 --> 01:09:40,439
Speaker 2: like I had this problem where I would see people

1513
01:09:40,439 --> 01:09:43,240
Speaker 2: who I kind of knew, like friends of friends or

1514
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,519
Speaker 2: like family members I don't see all the time, and

1515
01:09:45,560 --> 01:09:46,000
Speaker 2: I'd be.

1516
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:49,840
Speaker 3: Like, how's life? Like what do you do?

1517
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:53,400
Speaker 2: So now I always ask working on anything exciting these days?

1518
01:09:54,080 --> 01:09:56,680
Speaker 2: That is a dopamine gift for their brain, because in

1519
01:09:56,720 --> 01:09:59,240
Speaker 2: their brain then they have to go, oh, you broke

1520
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:01,200
Speaker 2: their script exciting, exciting, exciting.

1521
01:10:01,240 --> 01:10:03,639
Speaker 3: They're literally searching their brain for something exciting.

1522
01:10:03,640 --> 01:10:04,920
Speaker 2: When they find it, they go oh, yeah, you know

1523
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:09,040
Speaker 2: actually and they tell you, so you're actually like juicing dope. Mean,

1524
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:10,880
Speaker 2: you're borrowing it from other area of their life. And

1525
01:10:10,920 --> 01:10:13,479
Speaker 2: by the way, if they say no, what a great

1526
01:10:13,479 --> 01:10:16,439
Speaker 2: opportunity for vulnerability. Like I've asked it maybe one out

1527
01:10:16,439 --> 01:10:18,840
Speaker 2: of every ten times, I'll say working on anyth exciting

1528
01:10:18,920 --> 01:10:20,120
Speaker 2: or have anything exciting coming up?

1529
01:10:20,400 --> 01:10:21,120
Speaker 3: And they'll be like.

1530
01:10:23,400 --> 01:10:27,519
Speaker 2: No, yeah, and I'll be like, wow, what's going on?

1531
01:10:27,880 --> 01:10:30,600
Speaker 2: Tell me what's actually happening in your life? And we

1532
01:10:30,720 --> 01:10:32,960
Speaker 2: have skipped How are you busy?

1533
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:33,280
Speaker 1: Good?

1534
01:10:34,080 --> 01:10:35,360
Speaker 3: If you ask someone, how are you there going to

1535
01:10:35,400 --> 01:10:35,760
Speaker 3: be busy?

1536
01:10:35,760 --> 01:10:36,200
Speaker 1: Good? Good?

1537
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:37,040
Speaker 3: Busy? How about you?

1538
01:10:37,760 --> 01:10:38,000
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1539
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:40,599
Speaker 3: And so I'd rather like get past that.

1540
01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:43,360
Speaker 2: And so asking that question is an unlocked So keep

1541
01:10:43,400 --> 01:10:44,799
Speaker 2: that one in your back body is my favorite.

1542
01:10:44,840 --> 01:10:46,439
Speaker 1: You literally read my mind. I was about to shift

1543
01:10:46,439 --> 01:10:48,599
Speaker 1: to work, so you already went ahead of it, which

1544
01:10:48,600 --> 01:10:50,600
Speaker 1: is great. So I'm really glad that you gave the

1545
01:10:50,640 --> 01:10:53,880
Speaker 1: alternative because I've had a lot of people that I've

1546
01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,720
Speaker 1: asked that question too lately, and they actually focus so

1547
01:10:56,800 --> 01:10:59,479
Speaker 1: much pressure because I think we're living at this time

1548
01:10:59,560 --> 01:11:02,920
Speaker 1: now where everyone's doing something so big, which is what

1549
01:11:02,960 --> 01:11:06,160
Speaker 1: it looks like. And so then when you ask someone that,

1550
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:08,760
Speaker 1: they're scared that they don't have something big to say,

1551
01:11:09,479 --> 01:11:12,320
Speaker 1: and so they either shrink and they actually get scared

1552
01:11:12,360 --> 01:11:14,160
Speaker 1: of that conversation that goes. I don't really want to

1553
01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:16,800
Speaker 1: talk about that. I get a lot of that sometimes,

1554
01:11:17,080 --> 01:11:19,880
Speaker 1: or someone are like, oh, that's a lot of pressure. Exciting. Yeah,

1555
01:11:19,920 --> 01:11:23,680
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get by. Like that happens. And

1556
01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:27,120
Speaker 1: it's interesting that even though it's such a better question

1557
01:11:27,200 --> 01:11:29,840
Speaker 1: than what do you do? How's life? How's it going,

1558
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:32,680
Speaker 1: it can create some friction, and so I really like

1559
01:11:32,720 --> 01:11:34,639
Speaker 1: talking about it when it doesn't go your way.

1560
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:36,640
Speaker 2: So I just want to acknowledge it takes courage to

1561
01:11:36,640 --> 01:11:41,800
Speaker 2: break scripts. Yeah, I know scripts are comfortable, Like I

1562
01:11:41,920 --> 01:11:44,559
Speaker 2: know that the reason why we're like how are you good?

1563
01:11:45,360 --> 01:11:49,320
Speaker 2: Is because it's safe, And so I want you to

1564
01:11:49,360 --> 01:11:51,759
Speaker 2: just acknowledge yourself if you're thinking about asking these questions

1565
01:11:51,760 --> 01:11:54,479
Speaker 2: like it does take some social courage, but it's worth it.

1566
01:11:55,000 --> 01:11:56,760
Speaker 2: And so yeah, we got to harness, like, Okay, it

1567
01:11:56,800 --> 01:11:59,280
Speaker 2: might be uncomfortable. You might someone might not have a

1568
01:11:59,320 --> 01:12:00,840
Speaker 2: good answer to that, or a good answer. I even

1569
01:12:00,840 --> 01:12:03,240
Speaker 2: say a good answer. They might have an exciting answer.

1570
01:12:03,320 --> 01:12:06,080
Speaker 2: They might be more vulnerable, but any answer is an

1571
01:12:06,080 --> 01:12:09,760
Speaker 2: opportunity for connection. Whatever they say, at least it's not

1572
01:12:09,800 --> 01:12:12,519
Speaker 2: a social script and your other options, so you can

1573
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:15,200
Speaker 2: accept it with vulnerability. Oh my gosh, tell me what

1574
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,000
Speaker 2: has it been hard? What's going on? Or you could

1575
01:12:18,040 --> 01:12:20,599
Speaker 2: have your own answer. So I've asked someone that question,

1576
01:12:20,680 --> 01:12:24,240
Speaker 2: they're like and they kind of are thinking about it,

1577
01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:26,679
Speaker 2: and I go, well, while you're thinking about it, here's

1578
01:12:26,720 --> 01:12:27,400
Speaker 2: what's exciting with me.

1579
01:12:27,479 --> 01:12:29,000
Speaker 3: And then I take the ball.

1580
01:12:29,080 --> 01:12:32,120
Speaker 2: That's so conversation is like soccer, right, we're passing this

1581
01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:32,800
Speaker 2: ball back and forth?

1582
01:12:32,880 --> 01:12:35,320
Speaker 3: Or basketball. I don't really play sports. What's a sport

1583
01:12:35,439 --> 01:12:37,240
Speaker 3: you like? Passing the rugby?

1584
01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:38,960
Speaker 2: I don't know, so, like, like you pass the ball

1585
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,280
Speaker 2: back and forth, but in basketball you're supposed to rible, right,

1586
01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:44,280
Speaker 2: So like I shouldn't do sports metaphors.

1587
01:12:44,320 --> 01:12:47,160
Speaker 3: I really shouldn't. I don't know anything about sports.

1588
01:12:47,560 --> 01:12:50,520
Speaker 1: The closest Okay, it's gonna be passed.

1589
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:52,720
Speaker 2: The basketball and back and forth when I ask doing

1590
01:12:52,720 --> 01:12:53,280
Speaker 2: anything exciting.

1591
01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:54,520
Speaker 3: Recently, I passed.

1592
01:12:54,280 --> 01:12:55,720
Speaker 2: The ball to you and then you're like holding the

1593
01:12:55,760 --> 01:12:58,120
Speaker 2: ball and you're like, if you can't think of it,

1594
01:12:58,240 --> 01:13:00,640
Speaker 2: take the ball back, right, just take it back from them.

1595
01:13:00,680 --> 01:13:02,880
Speaker 2: So they're like okay, and they can listen, they can think,

1596
01:13:03,000 --> 01:13:04,280
Speaker 2: and that also works really well.

1597
01:13:04,520 --> 01:13:06,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, and any question I always say to be any

1598
01:13:06,360 --> 01:13:08,960
Speaker 1: question you are going to ask someone else, make sure

1599
01:13:08,960 --> 01:13:11,160
Speaker 1: you know the answer to you totally right, because I

1600
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,280
Speaker 1: think so often we ask a question and they'll be like,

1601
01:13:13,320 --> 01:13:15,599
Speaker 1: well what about you, You're like and you're like, uh,

1602
01:13:16,640 --> 01:13:18,479
Speaker 1: you know, and so be ready to answer.

1603
01:13:18,800 --> 01:13:20,519
Speaker 2: I also like, I just want to make like a

1604
01:13:20,560 --> 01:13:23,320
Speaker 2: push here if someone's willing to be brave, which is

1605
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:26,120
Speaker 2: we are more interesting and exciting when we do exciting,

1606
01:13:26,120 --> 01:13:30,000
Speaker 2: interesting things. This means getting off social media, This means

1607
01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:32,920
Speaker 2: not watching the show everyone else is watching. This means

1608
01:13:33,000 --> 01:13:35,559
Speaker 2: getting up and trying different things. And so I also

1609
01:13:35,680 --> 01:13:38,760
Speaker 2: like a little side like just like I just want

1610
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:41,400
Speaker 2: to like share what the world is like. May we

1611
01:13:41,479 --> 01:13:44,600
Speaker 2: all be always working on something a little exciting or

1612
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:47,880
Speaker 2: a little interesting for ourselves. And if the side benefit

1613
01:13:47,960 --> 01:13:51,240
Speaker 2: is we have great conversations. Great when you become known

1614
01:13:51,280 --> 01:13:55,080
Speaker 2: for asking these questions, you also inspire others to do

1615
01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:57,800
Speaker 2: something a little bit courageous. And so, for example, I

1616
01:13:57,800 --> 01:13:59,880
Speaker 2: have a friend that always always, whenever we get together,

1617
01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,720
Speaker 2: he always asks what are you learning? And the first

1618
01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:05,479
Speaker 2: time he asked me that question, I was like, I

1619
01:14:05,560 --> 01:14:09,519
Speaker 2: was like, I'm learning to survive with my kids. But

1620
01:14:09,760 --> 01:14:12,439
Speaker 2: now I know he's going to ask you that question.

1621
01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:14,920
Speaker 2: You know what, I'll be darned. I learned something every

1622
01:14:14,920 --> 01:14:17,000
Speaker 2: time before I see him. Yeah, like I will go

1623
01:14:17,080 --> 01:14:18,920
Speaker 2: find something to learn. And you know what, that makes

1624
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:22,639
Speaker 2: me better? Yes, Like he had the courage to ask

1625
01:14:22,680 --> 01:14:24,400
Speaker 2: me that question for the first time and me not

1626
01:14:24,520 --> 01:14:26,680
Speaker 2: have a good answer, and he rescued me.

1627
01:14:26,720 --> 01:14:28,200
Speaker 3: He talked about what he was learning.

1628
01:14:28,760 --> 01:14:31,599
Speaker 2: But now I am better for that question because I

1629
01:14:31,640 --> 01:14:33,720
Speaker 2: want to learn something every time I see him. And

1630
01:14:33,760 --> 01:14:36,320
Speaker 2: speaking of work, I noticed, so my team is all

1631
01:14:36,320 --> 01:14:38,320
Speaker 2: over the world. Yeah, he signed the people team. We're

1632
01:14:38,360 --> 01:14:40,240
Speaker 2: all over the world. And I notice that we have

1633
01:14:40,280 --> 01:14:43,320
Speaker 2: a team call virtually on Tuesdays. I noticed that like

1634
01:14:43,360 --> 01:14:46,320
Speaker 2: the first five minutes of our call was like this,

1635
01:14:46,479 --> 01:14:50,280
Speaker 2: like kind of small talk, like a little bit negative,

1636
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:52,880
Speaker 2: kind of awkward, and so I thought, you know what,

1637
01:14:52,920 --> 01:14:55,080
Speaker 2: We're going to have a new routine that the moment

1638
01:14:55,160 --> 01:14:56,800
Speaker 2: we get on the call, we all share tell me

1639
01:14:56,800 --> 01:15:00,280
Speaker 2: something good. And so our team meeting always to tell

1640
01:15:00,280 --> 01:15:01,840
Speaker 2: me to be able. We go around and everyone shares

1641
01:15:01,880 --> 01:15:04,240
Speaker 2: something good, something small, something big, And not only does

1642
01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:06,360
Speaker 2: it make our team call so much more interesting because

1643
01:15:06,400 --> 01:15:09,400
Speaker 2: I learn the most interesting things about my team, but

1644
01:15:09,520 --> 01:15:11,880
Speaker 2: also one of my team members told me that Monday

1645
01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:14,400
Speaker 2: is her do something good day because she wants to

1646
01:15:14,400 --> 01:15:15,479
Speaker 2: have something good to share in the meeting.

1647
01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:17,840
Speaker 3: So like, be the person known for it.

1648
01:15:18,120 --> 01:15:20,559
Speaker 2: Like do an icebreaker and your team meetings, I said,

1649
01:15:20,600 --> 01:15:23,360
Speaker 2: on an icebreaker every Monday my newsletter. Every Monday, I

1650
01:15:23,360 --> 01:15:27,280
Speaker 2: have a work appropriate, somewhat exciting, kind of interesting icebreaker

1651
01:15:27,320 --> 01:15:29,639
Speaker 2: that's a gift to you. So like, be the person

1652
01:15:29,680 --> 01:15:32,000
Speaker 2: known for bringing those icebreakers. And people want my grumble

1653
01:15:32,080 --> 01:15:33,559
Speaker 2: and might well their eyes, but you know what, secretly

1654
01:15:33,560 --> 01:15:35,600
Speaker 2: they like it. Yeah, of course they like it. And

1655
01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:37,040
Speaker 2: if they know they're not your person, yea.

1656
01:15:37,680 --> 01:15:39,519
Speaker 1: What was this? Do you know what? You give me

1657
01:15:39,560 --> 01:15:40,120
Speaker 1: some of the cues?

1658
01:15:40,439 --> 01:15:42,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, So like I always try to think of something

1659
01:15:42,080 --> 01:15:43,720
Speaker 2: that's like breaking a script in a little interesting So

1660
01:15:43,720 --> 01:15:45,880
Speaker 2: like I think that this week was are you an introvert,

1661
01:15:45,880 --> 01:15:49,080
Speaker 2: ambrovert or extrovert? Got it very helpful, by the way,

1662
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,599
Speaker 2: Like you should know in your friend group and your

1663
01:15:51,600 --> 01:15:54,759
Speaker 2: work team who is an introvert, extrovert or ambrovert because

1664
01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:59,160
Speaker 2: introverts get energy from being alone, and especially at.

1665
01:15:59,080 --> 01:16:01,759
Speaker 3: Work, they are are more creative alone.

1666
01:16:02,760 --> 01:16:04,719
Speaker 2: So the worst thing you can do in an introvert

1667
01:16:04,760 --> 01:16:07,599
Speaker 2: is have a brainstorm meeting where you don't tell them

1668
01:16:07,600 --> 01:16:09,280
Speaker 2: what you're brainstorming. So you bring them into the room

1669
01:16:09,479 --> 01:16:11,880
Speaker 2: and you're like, okay, guys, let's brainstorm all the big

1670
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:12,880
Speaker 2: ideas for next year.

1671
01:16:13,160 --> 01:16:15,519
Speaker 3: And they're like they're trying to think in their head.

1672
01:16:15,760 --> 01:16:18,320
Speaker 2: If you would just give them a little warning beforehand,

1673
01:16:18,320 --> 01:16:20,880
Speaker 2: they would come very prepared. So you should know who

1674
01:16:20,920 --> 01:16:24,559
Speaker 2: needs that warning time. Extroverts get energy from being with people.

1675
01:16:24,760 --> 01:16:27,240
Speaker 2: Now at work, how this shows up is if an

1676
01:16:27,240 --> 01:16:30,000
Speaker 2: extrovert has a good day, they want to celebrate with people,

1677
01:16:30,240 --> 01:16:31,519
Speaker 2: They want to hop on a call, they want to

1678
01:16:31,520 --> 01:16:33,400
Speaker 2: pop by your office, they want to chitchat your ear off.

1679
01:16:33,720 --> 01:16:36,479
Speaker 2: Good to know if they have a bad day, they

1680
01:16:36,520 --> 01:16:38,880
Speaker 2: also want to call you to chat or stop by

1681
01:16:38,880 --> 01:16:41,439
Speaker 2: your office, And so you need to know who's their person.

1682
01:16:42,200 --> 01:16:44,640
Speaker 2: It shouldn't be an introvert. And so this is like

1683
01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,919
Speaker 2: pair the extroverts together, right, Like I have a wonderful

1684
01:16:47,960 --> 01:16:49,680
Speaker 2: sales team and they are my extroverts.

1685
01:16:49,880 --> 01:16:51,439
Speaker 3: And I'm no an extrovert. I'm an ambrovert.

1686
01:16:51,439 --> 01:16:52,920
Speaker 2: And so they have a slack channel that I don't

1687
01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:55,840
Speaker 2: even know how to logging to slack, so I can

1688
01:16:56,600 --> 01:16:58,679
Speaker 2: I cannot slack. I don't know if it's a verb

1689
01:16:58,800 --> 01:17:00,559
Speaker 2: or it's a noun, but I can't do it. But

1690
01:17:00,600 --> 01:17:02,600
Speaker 2: they love it and they're all extroverts together, and so

1691
01:17:02,640 --> 01:17:04,840
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, be extroverts by salespeople.

1692
01:17:04,920 --> 01:17:07,520
Speaker 3: Yes, so you should be very purposeful.

1693
01:17:07,560 --> 01:17:09,800
Speaker 2: So that question, and what my readers have told me

1694
01:17:09,840 --> 01:17:12,559
Speaker 2: is it's sparking these conversations of like how can I

1695
01:17:12,640 --> 01:17:15,960
Speaker 2: serve you? Yes, Like you're an introvert. So if you're

1696
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:17,679
Speaker 2: having a bad day, do you on space?

1697
01:17:17,720 --> 01:17:19,920
Speaker 3: Like introverts? If you give them bad news and then

1698
01:17:19,920 --> 01:17:21,519
Speaker 3: you're like any questions.

1699
01:17:21,880 --> 01:17:24,600
Speaker 2: I want to talk it through, They're like no, So

1700
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:26,120
Speaker 2: the best thing is like give them the bad news

1701
01:17:26,160 --> 01:17:27,320
Speaker 2: and be like like why don't you take a day

1702
01:17:27,400 --> 01:17:30,840
Speaker 2: or two? Will regroup on Thursday. So like just the

1703
01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:33,000
Speaker 2: way that we communicate. If we just talk about it,

1704
01:17:33,080 --> 01:17:34,920
Speaker 2: we're honoring everyone, We're serving everyone.

1705
01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:37,280
Speaker 1: I've always struggled with that because everyone in my life

1706
01:17:37,320 --> 01:17:38,240
Speaker 1: thinks I'm an extrovert.

1707
01:17:38,320 --> 01:17:41,600
Speaker 3: I know, yeah, but I but I.

1708
01:17:40,680 --> 01:17:44,439
Speaker 1: Get energy when I'm alone. I work on my own.

1709
01:17:44,560 --> 01:17:46,760
Speaker 1: I don't like working groups and brainstorms and not worth.

1710
01:17:47,080 --> 01:17:49,760
Speaker 1: I have to dive deep on my own. I like

1711
01:17:49,840 --> 01:17:51,040
Speaker 1: dealing with problems on my own.

1712
01:17:51,200 --> 01:17:51,720
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1713
01:17:51,800 --> 01:17:54,560
Speaker 1: So, but I'm not an introvert. I'm an ambivot Yeah.

1714
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:55,879
Speaker 1: Why what's the difference.

1715
01:17:55,920 --> 01:17:58,559
Speaker 2: Okay, so eighty percent of people are ambroverts, so it's

1716
01:17:58,600 --> 01:18:02,080
Speaker 2: actually most people. Very few people are true introversion to extroverts.

1717
01:18:02,160 --> 01:18:05,120
Speaker 2: We don't talk about ambiversion enough. Ambiversion is a superpower.

1718
01:18:05,760 --> 01:18:09,679
Speaker 2: Ambiversion means that around the right people you get energy,

1719
01:18:09,920 --> 01:18:13,080
Speaker 2: and around the wrong people you lose energy. I'm in yeah,

1720
01:18:13,400 --> 01:18:16,080
Speaker 2: and around the right situations you get energy. Okay, So

1721
01:18:16,080 --> 01:18:18,320
Speaker 2: if you're an ambivert, it also means averts are able

1722
01:18:18,360 --> 01:18:21,719
Speaker 2: to dial up. This is why oftentimes ammaverts are mistaken

1723
01:18:21,760 --> 01:18:26,120
Speaker 2: as like outgoing introverts or like social introverts, which is

1724
01:18:26,160 --> 01:18:28,519
Speaker 2: you can dial right, like you can dial for two hours,

1725
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:30,360
Speaker 2: but like if I go to a happy hour, and.

1726
01:18:30,320 --> 01:18:32,439
Speaker 3: People always like, what are you talking about? Awkward?

1727
01:18:32,880 --> 01:18:35,519
Speaker 2: They don't know that I spent two hours flat on

1728
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:36,519
Speaker 2: my back in the hotel room.

1729
01:18:37,080 --> 01:18:37,760
Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean?

1730
01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:40,680
Speaker 2: Like, they don't see the recharge process. Because ammaverts have

1731
01:18:40,760 --> 01:18:42,559
Speaker 2: this power, we can dial up and we can mirror

1732
01:18:42,600 --> 01:18:46,920
Speaker 2: and match. Ammaverts are usually highly empathetic. We are chameleons.

1733
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:50,200
Speaker 2: We are social chameleons. So ambaverts have this amazing skill

1734
01:18:50,200 --> 01:18:53,240
Speaker 2: where they can dial up to match an extrovert energy.

1735
01:18:53,479 --> 01:18:54,920
Speaker 2: They can be the life of the party if they

1736
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:57,479
Speaker 2: want to, but they also can have these beautiful, quiet

1737
01:18:57,960 --> 01:19:00,880
Speaker 2: introvert conversations. But they need a lot of recharge time

1738
01:19:01,040 --> 01:19:03,800
Speaker 2: in between. And so I say it's a superpower and

1739
01:19:03,840 --> 01:19:06,960
Speaker 2: you just know how to what charges your social battery

1740
01:19:07,080 --> 01:19:10,759
Speaker 2: more or less. I will say for ambroverts, our biggest

1741
01:19:10,760 --> 01:19:16,479
Speaker 2: struggle is ambivalence. Extroverts can like everyone, They can find

1742
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:19,480
Speaker 2: something good about everyone. Even with a person who ish,

1743
01:19:19,640 --> 01:19:21,559
Speaker 2: they can still get energy because they are fun.

1744
01:19:22,000 --> 01:19:23,040
Speaker 1: I've got friends like that.

1745
01:19:23,200 --> 01:19:25,360
Speaker 2: I have a friend who is dating right now and

1746
01:19:25,600 --> 01:19:27,760
Speaker 2: she always says, you know, I never know on a

1747
01:19:27,880 --> 01:19:31,320
Speaker 2: date if if we're having fun or I'm just fun.

1748
01:19:32,920 --> 01:19:35,120
Speaker 1: I have a friend that I say, I'm like, you

1749
01:19:35,200 --> 01:19:39,320
Speaker 1: could have dated or married anyone. Yes, because you'll just

1750
01:19:39,360 --> 01:19:42,559
Speaker 1: for Madeline love. It'll make it good. You'll make any sense.

1751
01:19:42,600 --> 01:19:44,599
Speaker 3: An extrovert struggle with this. She really struggles.

1752
01:19:44,640 --> 01:19:46,599
Speaker 2: She does like I don't know which one it is.

1753
01:19:47,040 --> 01:19:52,080
Speaker 2: So that's extrovert. Ambroverts and introverts know who their toxic

1754
01:19:52,080 --> 01:19:53,760
Speaker 2: people are. They are like if I'm not a heck,

1755
01:19:53,880 --> 01:19:57,000
Speaker 2: yes I'm not going. But ambiverts, we tend to be

1756
01:19:57,000 --> 01:20:01,040
Speaker 2: more people pleasing, where we'll be like do I like

1757
01:20:01,120 --> 01:20:01,759
Speaker 2: that person?

1758
01:20:03,680 --> 01:20:04,439
Speaker 3: Do they like me?

1759
01:20:05,439 --> 01:20:07,920
Speaker 2: We often have people on our calendar where we look

1760
01:20:07,920 --> 01:20:11,479
Speaker 2: at it and we're like, we tend to have friends

1761
01:20:11,520 --> 01:20:14,040
Speaker 2: out of habit. Yeah, like they've just been friends for

1762
01:20:14,080 --> 01:20:17,280
Speaker 2: like a long time, and we like default the friendship,

1763
01:20:17,280 --> 01:20:19,559
Speaker 2: but actually the friendship we're not like getting a lot

1764
01:20:19,600 --> 01:20:21,880
Speaker 2: of energy. We're not giving or getting a lot of energy.

1765
01:20:22,240 --> 01:20:24,960
Speaker 2: So it's really important for ambroverts, if this is you listening,

1766
01:20:25,600 --> 01:20:28,920
Speaker 2: don't be ambivalent about your relationships. Ambivalent relationships actually take

1767
01:20:28,960 --> 01:20:31,360
Speaker 2: way more out of you than toxic relationships. When you

1768
01:20:31,400 --> 01:20:33,960
Speaker 2: look at your calendar and you see precious social time

1769
01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:36,720
Speaker 2: being given to someone who's like meh, you come back

1770
01:20:36,760 --> 01:20:38,880
Speaker 2: a little drained, you come back a little more tired.

1771
01:20:39,160 --> 01:20:42,400
Speaker 2: It makes you not believe in relationship. Yeah, And so

1772
01:20:42,479 --> 01:20:45,440
Speaker 2: I would rather you feel heck yes about someone than ambivalent.

1773
01:20:46,000 --> 01:20:48,519
Speaker 2: And that's a curse of ambiverts. The only curse of

1774
01:20:48,520 --> 01:20:51,920
Speaker 2: our kryptonite to our superpower is we can sometimes let

1775
01:20:51,920 --> 01:20:54,640
Speaker 2: a relationship go that really shouldn't.

1776
01:20:54,240 --> 01:20:57,480
Speaker 1: Be as and you allow for it to continue, Yeah.

1777
01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:59,040
Speaker 2: Because you don't know how to stop it and you

1778
01:20:59,040 --> 01:21:01,559
Speaker 2: don't want to hurt their feeling. Yeah, And you wouldn't

1779
01:21:01,600 --> 01:21:04,320
Speaker 2: know how to have a friendship breakup anyway. And you

1780
01:21:04,400 --> 01:21:07,160
Speaker 2: also I think that sometimes amberverts aren't sure what's fun.

1781
01:21:07,439 --> 01:21:08,920
Speaker 2: It's like the weird. I don't know if this is me,

1782
01:21:09,040 --> 01:21:10,360
Speaker 2: Like I'm I don't know if this is just a

1783
01:21:10,400 --> 01:21:11,800
Speaker 2: woman thing or not. I don't know if you have this.

1784
01:21:12,600 --> 01:21:15,439
Speaker 2: Sometimes I do things and I'm like, am I having fun?

1785
01:21:16,360 --> 01:21:18,479
Speaker 2: I don't know if it's like my age or but

1786
01:21:18,600 --> 01:21:21,760
Speaker 2: I will do things that I've done before and I wonder, like,

1787
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,760
Speaker 2: is this fun? Was Netflix at home better? I don't know.

1788
01:21:26,160 --> 01:21:27,920
Speaker 2: I think it's an Ambivert thing. That's something that I've

1789
01:21:27,920 --> 01:21:31,559
Speaker 2: been sort of wrestling with of Like, sometimes I don't

1790
01:21:31,560 --> 01:21:32,439
Speaker 2: even know what fun is.

1791
01:21:33,080 --> 01:21:34,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, No, I want to react to There's two

1792
01:21:34,880 --> 01:21:37,479
Speaker 1: thoughts that came to mind to the first part you

1793
01:21:37,520 --> 01:21:40,679
Speaker 1: talked about. I always like to remind people that there's

1794
01:21:40,720 --> 01:21:43,759
Speaker 1: two ways of growing in a friendship. There's growing together

1795
01:21:44,360 --> 01:21:48,240
Speaker 1: and there's growing apart. To notice how they both say

1796
01:21:48,280 --> 01:21:51,920
Speaker 1: growing right. But when we're growing apart, we think we

1797
01:21:52,000 --> 01:21:54,760
Speaker 1: lost something or we think it ended, or we think

1798
01:21:54,800 --> 01:21:57,160
Speaker 1: we failed, and it's like, no, that was growth too,

1799
01:21:58,040 --> 01:21:59,880
Speaker 1: and there was growing together. But we think of you

1800
01:22:00,040 --> 01:22:02,679
Speaker 1: growing together, then it's going right. And if you're growing apart,

1801
01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:05,920
Speaker 1: it's going wrong and it's like, no, there's growth. And

1802
01:22:05,960 --> 01:22:07,840
Speaker 1: so I always like to remind myself that. But to

1803
01:22:07,880 --> 01:22:12,400
Speaker 1: your other point, I think it's because time has become

1804
01:22:12,439 --> 01:22:16,800
Speaker 1: more valuable and our self awareness has risen at the

1805
01:22:16,800 --> 01:22:18,880
Speaker 1: same time as we value time. So I'm the same.

1806
01:22:19,400 --> 01:22:23,640
Speaker 1: I now find it much more frustrating to watch a

1807
01:22:23,720 --> 01:22:27,040
Speaker 1: bad show in the evening and feel like I wasted

1808
01:22:27,600 --> 01:22:30,960
Speaker 1: three hours of my evening than I ever did before.

1809
01:22:31,479 --> 01:22:33,240
Speaker 1: So I don't know if it's an umbivert thing or

1810
01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:35,880
Speaker 1: a person or an age thing, or I just know

1811
01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:37,880
Speaker 1: that I'm like like me and my wife went back

1812
01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:39,400
Speaker 1: and forth on that. A couple of years ago, I

1813
01:22:39,400 --> 01:22:41,640
Speaker 1: was just like, I'm not getting anything out of this.

1814
01:22:42,680 --> 01:22:44,320
Speaker 1: If we want to do something together, I want to

1815
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:46,680
Speaker 1: do something that helps us connect and go deep. Or

1816
01:22:46,800 --> 01:22:49,559
Speaker 1: I'd rather go read and work, to be honest, because

1817
01:22:49,560 --> 01:22:51,760
Speaker 1: I'd get so much more out of that than i

1818
01:22:51,760 --> 01:22:54,240
Speaker 1: would have sitting here and watching nothing.

1819
01:22:54,600 --> 01:22:58,120
Speaker 2: Yes, yess, it's a great show obviously, of course, and

1820
01:22:58,400 --> 01:23:01,759
Speaker 2: that's magic. And so I think that, like I'm having

1821
01:23:01,880 --> 01:23:04,120
Speaker 2: a personal struggle with this right now where I have

1822
01:23:04,479 --> 01:23:07,679
Speaker 2: some beautiful friendships, but sometimes I'm having conversation and I'm

1823
01:23:07,840 --> 01:23:11,679
Speaker 2: wondering if we're getting anywhere. Yeah, which is I feel bad.

1824
01:23:11,720 --> 01:23:14,040
Speaker 2: I'm like I don't want to be productive in a friendship,

1825
01:23:14,040 --> 01:23:17,519
Speaker 2: but like I want to like like figure each other out,

1826
01:23:17,640 --> 01:23:20,240
Speaker 2: or like let's be laughing or I and so sometimes

1827
01:23:20,240 --> 01:23:23,479
Speaker 2: I'm like, where are we going? Yes, And I don't

1828
01:23:23,520 --> 01:23:25,800
Speaker 2: know what that is. But it's been a little bit

1829
01:23:25,840 --> 01:23:28,639
Speaker 2: of a challenge. And I'm also a working mom, and

1830
01:23:28,720 --> 01:23:32,599
Speaker 2: so I think sometimes I.

1831
01:23:31,600 --> 01:23:33,040
Speaker 3: There's like less me two moments.

1832
01:23:33,160 --> 01:23:36,639
Speaker 2: Yes, sometimes unless you're also a working mom. And then

1833
01:23:36,680 --> 01:23:39,280
Speaker 2: I feel lonely, So like I think this is a

1834
01:23:39,320 --> 01:23:40,040
Speaker 2: work in progress.

1835
01:23:40,120 --> 01:23:42,880
Speaker 1: No, that's really interesting because I think it's for people

1836
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:47,920
Speaker 1: who've optimized all areas of their life. Me. Yes, there's

1837
01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:52,200
Speaker 1: also a sign of I'm looking for optimization. But the

1838
01:23:52,240 --> 01:23:54,360
Speaker 1: way you just explained it, which I love, is what

1839
01:23:54,400 --> 01:23:58,439
Speaker 1: we're ultimately doing is looking for new states of belonging. Yeah.

1840
01:23:58,479 --> 01:23:59,719
Speaker 1: So what I was saying to one of my friends

1841
01:23:59,760 --> 01:24:03,040
Speaker 1: the other I said, my oldest friends in London will

1842
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:05,840
Speaker 1: always be my best friends. There is never going to

1843
01:24:05,880 --> 01:24:09,799
Speaker 1: be someone who knows me that deeply, intimately or as long. Yeah,

1844
01:24:09,840 --> 01:24:12,800
Speaker 1: but I need a new set of friends that have

1845
01:24:13,120 --> 01:24:16,439
Speaker 1: similar lives to me today because I have different me

1846
01:24:16,560 --> 01:24:19,360
Speaker 1: toos now, using your language, I have different me twos

1847
01:24:19,439 --> 01:24:22,639
Speaker 1: with them that I can't have with my old friends.

1848
01:24:23,080 --> 01:24:25,160
Speaker 1: And so it's not a replacement or a substitute, but

1849
01:24:25,200 --> 01:24:27,880
Speaker 1: it is finding people that I feel. We both have

1850
01:24:27,920 --> 01:24:29,680
Speaker 1: podcasts and we can talk about all the challenges that

1851
01:24:29,680 --> 01:24:32,479
Speaker 1: come with the podcast week. We both travel the world

1852
01:24:32,560 --> 01:24:35,080
Speaker 1: too much and you know whatever, and I need to

1853
01:24:35,120 --> 01:24:37,120
Speaker 1: have someone that I can vent about those things and

1854
01:24:37,200 --> 01:24:38,160
Speaker 1: talk about those things.

1855
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:41,599
Speaker 2: Yes, so thin that's like the challenge of modern friendship.

1856
01:24:42,360 --> 01:24:44,599
Speaker 2: I also think it's the challenge of dating right now.

1857
01:24:44,880 --> 01:24:49,360
Speaker 2: Do you date someone who is exactly your same or

1858
01:24:49,400 --> 01:24:51,559
Speaker 2: do you date someone where you have shared values but

1859
01:24:51,560 --> 01:24:54,679
Speaker 2: you're very different. And I think that's a real challenge

1860
01:24:54,720 --> 01:24:56,839
Speaker 2: in friendship too, And I don't know the answer.

1861
01:24:57,160 --> 01:25:00,759
Speaker 1: I've found great relationships to not having the same exact value.

1862
01:25:00,760 --> 01:25:03,840
Speaker 1: I do think it's very rare to truly have the

1863
01:25:03,880 --> 01:25:07,479
Speaker 1: same exact values. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because push comes to shove,

1864
01:25:07,520 --> 01:25:09,160
Speaker 1: you're going to choose something over the other.

1865
01:25:09,439 --> 01:25:09,919
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1866
01:25:10,000 --> 01:25:12,680
Speaker 1: But I've found that the best relationships I have are

1867
01:25:12,680 --> 01:25:16,280
Speaker 1: with people who respect my values and I respect theirs.

1868
01:25:16,680 --> 01:25:19,559
Speaker 1: That's it, So we don't even have to agree. But

1869
01:25:19,760 --> 01:25:24,200
Speaker 1: I really value that your value makes you you, and

1870
01:25:24,280 --> 01:25:27,280
Speaker 1: so I respect it. Yes, and you value that my

1871
01:25:27,400 --> 01:25:30,040
Speaker 1: value makes me me, and you respect it. And that

1872
01:25:30,120 --> 01:25:33,000
Speaker 1: allows us to operate in our own universe and world

1873
01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:35,600
Speaker 1: but have a mutual sense of appreciation.

1874
01:25:36,200 --> 01:25:38,040
Speaker 2: And that also brings up a point of like I

1875
01:25:38,080 --> 01:25:40,559
Speaker 2: think that we should be. One of my favorite motions

1876
01:25:40,560 --> 01:25:43,200
Speaker 2: that we don't talk about enough is aw yes, if

1877
01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:46,760
Speaker 2: you respect someone else's value, like hopefully you could even

1878
01:25:46,760 --> 01:25:48,920
Speaker 2: be odd by it. Like I have friends who have

1879
01:25:48,920 --> 01:25:52,400
Speaker 2: an incredible work ethic. Do I don't work that hard?

1880
01:25:52,640 --> 01:25:52,760
Speaker 1: Right?

1881
01:25:52,840 --> 01:25:54,639
Speaker 3: Like I work, but like I do.

1882
01:25:54,640 --> 01:25:56,160
Speaker 2: A lot with my family. Like I spend a lot

1883
01:25:56,160 --> 01:25:57,680
Speaker 2: of time onmmy. Most of my time in the week,

1884
01:25:57,720 --> 01:25:59,320
Speaker 2: I only spend about fifteen hours a week working. The

1885
01:25:59,320 --> 01:26:03,040
Speaker 2: rest of my work is mommy. But I so respect

1886
01:26:03,120 --> 01:26:05,759
Speaker 2: my friends who just they just kill it. They're always

1887
01:26:05,800 --> 01:26:08,000
Speaker 2: working and there's a little bit of odd there. I'm like, wow,

1888
01:26:08,200 --> 01:26:11,000
Speaker 2: Like you're just killing it. So I think that, like

1889
01:26:11,240 --> 01:26:15,120
Speaker 2: it's who can create awe for you. Yeah, where they're

1890
01:26:15,160 --> 01:26:18,839
Speaker 2: so kind that you're odd by them. They're so driven

1891
01:26:18,960 --> 01:26:22,160
Speaker 2: that you're odd by them. They're so warm that you're

1892
01:26:22,200 --> 01:26:23,599
Speaker 2: odd by them. And so I think that, like that's

1893
01:26:23,600 --> 01:26:24,920
Speaker 2: a good way to think of it. Is it's not

1894
01:26:25,120 --> 01:26:27,920
Speaker 2: the same. It's that you respect them enough and you

1895
01:26:27,960 --> 01:26:30,120
Speaker 2: have some meat too moments of course, but like you

1896
01:26:30,160 --> 01:26:31,839
Speaker 2: can have a little bit of on all your relationships,

1897
01:26:31,880 --> 01:26:34,360
Speaker 2: even like in my marriage, I do conversation starter with

1898
01:26:34,360 --> 01:26:37,040
Speaker 2: my husband all the time. And one of the ones

1899
01:26:37,040 --> 01:26:39,439
Speaker 2: we did recently was in my newsletter, which is who is.

1900
01:26:39,439 --> 01:26:42,160
Speaker 3: Your role model? Which is different than who is your hero?

1901
01:26:42,720 --> 01:26:45,479
Speaker 2: Like hero is like more of like a like idolizing them,

1902
01:26:45,720 --> 01:26:47,360
Speaker 2: whereas like a role model is someone that you maybe

1903
01:26:47,400 --> 01:26:50,360
Speaker 2: aspire to be like. And he said me, and I

1904
01:26:50,400 --> 01:26:53,760
Speaker 2: was like what why, and he was like, you know,

1905
01:26:53,840 --> 01:26:56,280
Speaker 2: you just you're you're you're you, and I love that

1906
01:26:56,320 --> 01:26:57,920
Speaker 2: about you. And I was like, wow, like this, it's

1907
01:26:57,960 --> 01:27:00,640
Speaker 2: so important that we're odd by our partners. And so

1908
01:27:00,720 --> 01:27:02,920
Speaker 2: when you're dating, I think a good little litmus test

1909
01:27:02,920 --> 01:27:05,639
Speaker 2: for yourself is am I inspired by this person?

1910
01:27:06,240 --> 01:27:06,360
Speaker 1: Like?

1911
01:27:06,400 --> 01:27:08,200
Speaker 2: Am I in awe of who they are or what

1912
01:27:08,280 --> 01:27:10,799
Speaker 2: they do or what they believe? Because if the answer

1913
01:27:10,880 --> 01:27:13,960
Speaker 2: is yes, that's a keeper, Like, that's a keeper. It's

1914
01:27:14,000 --> 01:27:17,679
Speaker 2: more important than a checklist. Oh my ladies listening. I look,

1915
01:27:17,800 --> 01:27:18,880
Speaker 2: I know we love.

1916
01:27:18,760 --> 01:27:22,000
Speaker 3: A checklist, but those checklists don't always serve us.

1917
01:27:22,120 --> 01:27:25,840
Speaker 1: Oh, definitely not. Those those are parameters are blocking people,

1918
01:27:25,880 --> 01:27:27,280
Speaker 1: Like he has to be six foot four, and it's

1919
01:27:27,280 --> 01:27:28,840
Speaker 1: like you could have a six foot three guy who

1920
01:27:28,880 --> 01:27:32,400
Speaker 1: is perfect, but the filter has kept him out. Yeah.

1921
01:27:32,400 --> 01:27:36,120
Speaker 3: I think like maybe like lovingly burn the checklist.

1922
01:27:36,200 --> 01:27:40,240
Speaker 2: Yes, it's like a scented candle, Like burn it because

1923
01:27:40,240 --> 01:27:44,639
Speaker 2: I don't think it's serving, and then just go out.

1924
01:27:44,520 --> 01:27:45,920
Speaker 3: And just you know, find your person.

1925
01:27:46,120 --> 01:27:48,639
Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh gosh, I wanted to talk a bit about

1926
01:27:48,640 --> 01:27:51,479
Speaker 1: women in the workplace. Yeah, because I think and as

1927
01:27:51,479 --> 01:27:54,000
Speaker 1: you just talked about, you know, being a working mom,

1928
01:27:54,120 --> 01:27:56,439
Speaker 1: And I think about women in the workplace, and I

1929
01:27:56,479 --> 01:28:01,400
Speaker 1: think about how cues and body language are very different

1930
01:28:01,560 --> 01:28:04,519
Speaker 1: in how we perceive men and women. And whenever I

1931
01:28:04,520 --> 01:28:07,439
Speaker 1: speak to women, they'll say, I get seen as being

1932
01:28:07,479 --> 01:28:11,080
Speaker 1: difficult instead of being direct. Yeah, I'm seen as being

1933
01:28:11,280 --> 01:28:15,280
Speaker 1: argumentative as opposed to being assertive. I'm seen as being

1934
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:21,160
Speaker 1: moody as opposed to just having a failed, rejected day

1935
01:28:21,240 --> 01:28:23,960
Speaker 1: or whatever would have happened. And I feel like the

1936
01:28:24,080 --> 01:28:28,080
Speaker 1: standards are different. What does a woman do when she

1937
01:28:28,240 --> 01:28:31,840
Speaker 1: feels that her directness is being seen as difficulty.

1938
01:28:32,200 --> 01:28:35,120
Speaker 2: So women are actually facing two challenges in the workplace today.

1939
01:28:35,280 --> 01:28:37,280
Speaker 2: One is exactly what we said, that we can be

1940
01:28:37,320 --> 01:28:40,679
Speaker 2: seen as bossy or dominant when we're actually just stating

1941
01:28:40,680 --> 01:28:41,760
Speaker 2: our point of view.

1942
01:28:41,880 --> 01:28:43,200
Speaker 3: Assertiveness is bossiness.

1943
01:28:43,560 --> 01:28:46,280
Speaker 2: But on the other hand, we're also struggling with being

1944
01:28:46,320 --> 01:28:51,160
Speaker 2: too likable, being interrupted, being underestimated, being too soft. And

1945
01:28:51,200 --> 01:28:53,240
Speaker 2: so we actually have two sides that we're trying to wait.

1946
01:28:53,280 --> 01:28:56,439
Speaker 2: We have this very narrow valley we're allowed to operate in. Right,

1947
01:28:56,600 --> 01:28:58,360
Speaker 2: can't be too friendly, can't be too smiling, can't be

1948
01:28:58,360 --> 01:29:00,599
Speaker 2: too likable because won't we taken seriously? Oh, but can't

1949
01:29:00,600 --> 01:29:02,320
Speaker 2: be too a sort of can't be too Domino El

1950
01:29:02,320 --> 01:29:05,479
Speaker 2: Specienes bossy. So we had this super narrow lane with

1951
01:29:05,520 --> 01:29:07,640
Speaker 2: which we can operate in. So what I think is

1952
01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:10,679
Speaker 2: really really important is focusing on the two traits that matter.

1953
01:29:10,720 --> 01:29:12,479
Speaker 2: These are the only two traits that matter, which are

1954
01:29:12,600 --> 01:29:16,760
Speaker 2: warmth and competence. When we are with someone whose signals

1955
01:29:16,960 --> 01:29:20,200
Speaker 2: you can trust me, you can like me. I am

1956
01:29:20,439 --> 01:29:24,480
Speaker 2: open to you, and you can rely on me. I'm productive,

1957
01:29:24,640 --> 01:29:29,080
Speaker 2: I'm capable. Those are in that valley and they are

1958
01:29:29,120 --> 01:29:31,639
Speaker 2: the most important signals that you can have in anything.

1959
01:29:31,840 --> 01:29:35,120
Speaker 2: Video calls slack, your LinkedIn profile and so I wanted

1960
01:29:35,240 --> 01:29:36,519
Speaker 2: this is a really weird challenge. I want you to

1961
01:29:36,560 --> 01:29:39,280
Speaker 2: start with. We have the power of AI. Now, this

1962
01:29:39,320 --> 01:29:41,800
Speaker 2: is a new thing that has just come up. I

1963
01:29:41,880 --> 01:29:44,360
Speaker 2: want you to open up your favorite AI tool, and

1964
01:29:44,400 --> 01:29:46,640
Speaker 2: I want to do two things. I want you to

1965
01:29:46,680 --> 01:29:49,160
Speaker 2: copy and paste your LinkedIn profile. I want you to

1966
01:29:49,160 --> 01:29:52,200
Speaker 2: put it in AI and ask AI, how warm and

1967
01:29:52,280 --> 01:29:57,160
Speaker 2: competent am I. What's incredible is the warmth and competence

1968
01:29:57,200 --> 01:29:58,840
Speaker 2: research that came out of Princeton, which is done by

1969
01:29:58,880 --> 01:30:01,040
Speaker 2: doctor Susan Fisk. It was done in two thousand and

1970
01:30:01,080 --> 01:30:03,240
Speaker 2: two and it's been replicated. It's a very solid piece

1971
01:30:03,240 --> 01:30:06,920
Speaker 2: of research. AI models are trained in it. They know

1972
01:30:06,960 --> 01:30:10,599
Speaker 2: about warmth and competence. So put it in AI. Ask

1973
01:30:10,920 --> 01:30:13,200
Speaker 2: how am I coming across warmer competent? AI will tell

1974
01:30:13,240 --> 01:30:15,920
Speaker 2: you based on the words you use. Then ask it,

1975
01:30:16,280 --> 01:30:18,360
Speaker 2: make it more warm and competent, and just see what

1976
01:30:18,439 --> 01:30:20,519
Speaker 2: they change. Then what I want you to do is

1977
01:30:20,600 --> 01:30:24,400
Speaker 2: take five important emails that you've recently sent. What we

1978
01:30:24,439 --> 01:30:26,760
Speaker 2: don't realize is our cues are changing the way people

1979
01:30:26,800 --> 01:30:29,680
Speaker 2: treat us. So the types of words you use in

1980
01:30:29,720 --> 01:30:33,760
Speaker 2: your emails are changing people's perception of your bossiness or

1981
01:30:34,240 --> 01:30:38,000
Speaker 2: I would say over over friendliness. Take five emails you

1982
01:30:38,000 --> 01:30:40,639
Speaker 2: spent some time crafting, put them into AI and ask AI,

1983
01:30:41,040 --> 01:30:44,200
Speaker 2: how warm am I? How competent am I? How could

1984
01:30:44,200 --> 01:30:46,240
Speaker 2: I have done better? We can use AI as a

1985
01:30:46,320 --> 01:30:50,760
Speaker 2: charisma coach, and it is incredibly helpful to see are

1986
01:30:50,840 --> 01:30:54,160
Speaker 2: you leaking? Are you showing cues of warmth and competence?

1987
01:30:54,479 --> 01:30:57,400
Speaker 2: Just verbally like forget in person, like forget the nonverbal.

1988
01:30:57,560 --> 01:30:59,679
Speaker 2: We have to start with the email first. That will

1989
01:30:59,680 --> 01:31:03,639
Speaker 2: be a really important test. Right off the bat, see

1990
01:31:03,680 --> 01:31:05,200
Speaker 2: what it says and it will tell you, Oh, you're

1991
01:31:05,280 --> 01:31:08,559
Speaker 2: leaning far warm. So, for example, in our research, we

1992
01:31:08,600 --> 01:31:11,120
Speaker 2: have students who are off the charts in warmth. They

1993
01:31:11,160 --> 01:31:16,040
Speaker 2: love emojis. Okay, my highly warm folks, Oh my goodness.

1994
01:31:16,240 --> 01:31:20,599
Speaker 2: They love emojis and exclamation points, and they love words

1995
01:31:20,680 --> 01:31:26,080
Speaker 2: like yay, fab whoop, and wow. Okay, these are my

1996
01:31:26,240 --> 01:31:29,400
Speaker 2: I know when I can read emails from a person

1997
01:31:29,400 --> 01:31:31,639
Speaker 2: and be like, this person highly warm, and they're interrupted

1998
01:31:31,640 --> 01:31:34,280
Speaker 2: in meetings. This person is highly warm and they're not

1999
01:31:34,320 --> 01:31:37,400
Speaker 2: taken seriously. This person is highly warm and they're getting

2000
01:31:37,400 --> 01:31:40,599
Speaker 2: pushed back on their salary range. This person is highly

2001
01:31:40,640 --> 01:31:42,360
Speaker 2: warm and they are not be seen as credible in

2002
01:31:42,400 --> 01:31:44,720
Speaker 2: their interviews. I can look at your emails and I

2003
01:31:44,720 --> 01:31:47,320
Speaker 2: can tell you what professional challenges you're facing, and so

2004
01:31:47,360 --> 01:31:50,160
Speaker 2: can you. Highly competent folks, on the other hand, they

2005
01:31:50,280 --> 01:31:52,320
Speaker 2: under exclaim they don't use a lot of emojis, and

2006
01:31:52,360 --> 01:31:54,680
Speaker 2: they love data percents, numbers and figures.

2007
01:31:55,040 --> 01:31:55,840
Speaker 3: They love those.

2008
01:31:56,080 --> 01:31:59,360
Speaker 2: In fact, for a highly competent person, it's physically painful

2009
01:31:59,400 --> 01:32:02,760
Speaker 2: to use a exclame point. It's like, oh, but it's

2010
01:32:02,800 --> 01:32:06,479
Speaker 2: not credible. But you know what that means. You're undersignaling warmth.

2011
01:32:07,479 --> 01:32:09,479
Speaker 2: It means if you are if you are too formal,

2012
01:32:09,600 --> 01:32:12,479
Speaker 2: too sterile in your communications. That could be the reason

2013
01:32:12,479 --> 01:32:14,880
Speaker 2: that people are like, oh, I do like she doesn't

2014
01:32:14,880 --> 01:32:16,599
Speaker 2: give me a good feeling. I can't connect to her.

2015
01:32:16,880 --> 01:32:20,240
Speaker 2: She's too dominant. And this comes directly from the research.

2016
01:32:20,320 --> 01:32:22,320
Speaker 2: And this is a quote I remember that I don't

2017
01:32:22,320 --> 01:32:25,519
Speaker 2: remember quotes often, but this quote struck me so deeply.

2018
01:32:26,560 --> 01:32:32,840
Speaker 2: Competence without warmth leaves us feeling suspicious. Yes, this is

2019
01:32:32,880 --> 01:32:36,519
Speaker 2: the curse of highly smart women. Highly smart women are

2020
01:32:36,520 --> 01:32:39,320
Speaker 2: in the workplace and there they have great ideas, they

2021
01:32:39,360 --> 01:32:42,800
Speaker 2: have super high competence, and they rely on their smarts.

2022
01:32:43,040 --> 01:32:47,240
Speaker 2: They're like, my ideas are so strong, my prep my presentations,

2023
01:32:47,640 --> 01:32:50,240
Speaker 2: I know my stuff. I don't need the warmth. My

2024
01:32:50,320 --> 01:32:52,639
Speaker 2: ideas are so good they'll they'll live on their own.

2025
01:32:53,240 --> 01:32:55,920
Speaker 2: But the research shows it doesn't matter how smart you are,

2026
01:32:55,960 --> 01:32:58,120
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter how good your ideas are, it doesn't

2027
01:32:58,160 --> 01:33:01,200
Speaker 2: matter how well prepared you are. I'm sorry if you

2028
01:33:01,320 --> 01:33:04,840
Speaker 2: do not showcase it with warmth, people are suspicious of you.

2029
01:33:05,200 --> 01:33:07,560
Speaker 2: Oh that's so good, and so we have to be

2030
01:33:07,640 --> 01:33:10,480
Speaker 2: able to balance out our competence with our warmth, those ideas,

2031
01:33:10,800 --> 01:33:12,519
Speaker 2: with the lubricant of warmth.

2032
01:33:12,840 --> 01:33:15,800
Speaker 1: That is so good. That is so good and you're

2033
01:33:15,840 --> 01:33:18,720
Speaker 1: so right that we all think we can compensate for

2034
01:33:18,760 --> 01:33:21,400
Speaker 1: our lack of warmth with competence, that's it. Or we

2035
01:33:21,439 --> 01:33:24,120
Speaker 1: can compensate for our lack of competence with warmth, right,

2036
01:33:24,320 --> 01:33:27,599
Speaker 1: And the point is people won't respect or like you

2037
01:33:27,680 --> 01:33:29,640
Speaker 1: based on They'll like you if you're warm, but they

2038
01:33:29,640 --> 01:33:31,240
Speaker 1: won't respect and men.

2039
01:33:31,200 --> 01:33:33,200
Speaker 3: Have the same problem. I think that women's valley is

2040
01:33:33,280 --> 01:33:33,719
Speaker 3: just smaller.

2041
01:33:33,840 --> 01:33:35,880
Speaker 1: I agree. I really like that, Yeah, that.

2042
01:33:35,720 --> 01:33:38,040
Speaker 2: We just have a very narrow way to be and

2043
01:33:38,080 --> 01:33:40,759
Speaker 2: like even sometimes like I do a lot of interviews

2044
01:33:40,800 --> 01:33:43,800
Speaker 2: and I'm on you know, social media a lot, even

2045
01:33:43,880 --> 01:33:47,240
Speaker 2: in my grid on Instagram, I am trying to balance

2046
01:33:47,360 --> 01:33:50,360
Speaker 2: this very narrow lane of warmth and competence.

2047
01:33:50,520 --> 01:33:53,480
Speaker 3: It's why I think so many, like women, we feel.

2048
01:33:53,200 --> 01:33:56,680
Speaker 2: Like we have to share, like our breakfast, Like we

2049
01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:58,680
Speaker 2: feel like we have to share because we're like.

2050
01:33:58,640 --> 01:34:00,760
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't want to be too competent. I don't

2051
01:34:00,760 --> 01:34:02,120
Speaker 3: want to be too smart on that.

2052
01:34:02,160 --> 01:34:05,040
Speaker 2: Side, and so we also we compensate or try to

2053
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:07,519
Speaker 2: balance in the wrong ways. And so I would much

2054
01:34:07,600 --> 01:34:09,800
Speaker 2: rather you take control of your interactions, right, we talk

2055
01:34:09,840 --> 01:34:10,439
Speaker 2: about control.

2056
01:34:10,600 --> 01:34:12,160
Speaker 3: That's the way we do. It is we know.

2057
01:34:12,200 --> 01:34:14,639
Speaker 2: Okay, well, there's ninety seven cues, here's warm ones, here's

2058
01:34:14,640 --> 01:34:17,520
Speaker 2: competent once. I'm gonna choose my recipe right, Like, I

2059
01:34:17,560 --> 01:34:19,680
Speaker 2: look different than other women because I don't want to

2060
01:34:19,760 --> 01:34:21,920
Speaker 2: use all the same cues, But I need to find

2061
01:34:22,040 --> 01:34:23,960
Speaker 2: what's the recipe that I feel the most comfortable with.

2062
01:34:23,960 --> 01:34:26,080
Speaker 2: What's the flavor of charisma that I like the most?

2063
01:34:26,080 --> 01:34:27,720
Speaker 2: It makes me feel like myself.

2064
01:34:28,920 --> 01:34:30,879
Speaker 1: That I mean, that is the recipe for respect.

2065
01:34:30,960 --> 01:34:31,360
Speaker 3: That's it.

2066
01:34:31,560 --> 01:34:34,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's as simple as that, and do everything we've

2067
01:34:34,040 --> 01:34:38,439
Speaker 1: talked about today. What I deeply appreciate is that it's earned,

2068
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:43,240
Speaker 1: it's built, it's engineered, it's prepared for. It's not something

2069
01:34:43,280 --> 01:34:46,360
Speaker 1: that someone just has and turns up with. Which is

2070
01:34:46,439 --> 01:34:51,120
Speaker 1: this myth that I think makes people go, that's just special? Yeah?

2071
01:34:51,160 --> 01:34:53,640
Speaker 2: And I like sometimes in my comments, I try not

2072
01:34:53,680 --> 01:34:56,240
Speaker 2: to read comments, but sometimes my comments people say, you know,

2073
01:34:56,560 --> 01:34:59,040
Speaker 2: just show up as yourself. You know this is this

2074
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:02,920
Speaker 2: is manipulative, this engineering. And I'm like, yeah, because if

2075
01:35:02,960 --> 01:35:05,519
Speaker 2: you are lucky enough that you can show up and

2076
01:35:05,560 --> 01:35:08,080
Speaker 2: just be charismatic, win friends, amazing.

2077
01:35:08,439 --> 01:35:09,680
Speaker 3: I am so happy for you.

2078
01:35:10,000 --> 01:35:12,280
Speaker 2: But most of us don't have that privilege, like I

2079
01:35:12,479 --> 01:35:14,880
Speaker 2: do not, and so I think that, yeah, it is

2080
01:35:14,880 --> 01:35:17,080
Speaker 2: a little bit engineered in the sense of if you

2081
01:35:17,400 --> 01:35:20,720
Speaker 2: feel competent and you feel warm, you should know how

2082
01:35:20,760 --> 01:35:24,040
Speaker 2: to showcase that. I often felt warm and felt competent,

2083
01:35:24,160 --> 01:35:26,080
Speaker 2: but I had no idea how to show it. And

2084
01:35:26,120 --> 01:35:27,720
Speaker 2: so I think that there is a rare bird of

2085
01:35:27,760 --> 01:35:30,320
Speaker 2: magic people and they are amazing and we can learn

2086
01:35:30,320 --> 01:35:33,240
Speaker 2: from them. But for most of us, it's just dialing

2087
01:35:33,360 --> 01:35:36,000
Speaker 2: up our natural warmth and competence and just knowing how

2088
01:35:36,040 --> 01:35:36,519
Speaker 2: to show it.

2089
01:35:36,600 --> 01:35:39,080
Speaker 1: I want to remind people I think this stuff can

2090
01:35:39,160 --> 01:35:44,720
Speaker 1: be used disingenuously. Oh yes, And it's only disingenuous if

2091
01:35:44,760 --> 01:35:46,479
Speaker 1: it goes back to what we were talking about earlier,

2092
01:35:46,479 --> 01:35:49,240
Speaker 1: where it shifts in the manipulation, it shifts to like

2093
01:35:49,280 --> 01:35:52,320
Speaker 1: trying to get something out of something and extraction and lying.

2094
01:35:52,400 --> 01:35:54,960
Speaker 2: And you know, this is my greatest fear, by the way. Yeah,

2095
01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:59,280
Speaker 2: Like before I came out with Cues, especially, I had

2096
01:35:59,320 --> 01:36:03,040
Speaker 2: like a like a life crisis because I started writing

2097
01:36:03,040 --> 01:36:05,320
Speaker 2: the book and I was like, oh no, like this

2098
01:36:05,360 --> 01:36:08,519
Speaker 2: could be used for evil, and like I had a

2099
01:36:08,520 --> 01:36:10,519
Speaker 2: whole thing with my publisher where I was like, I

2100
01:36:10,520 --> 01:36:13,320
Speaker 2: don't know if I should publish this, Like I don't

2101
01:36:13,439 --> 01:36:17,479
Speaker 2: these are tools that people could use for bad and

2102
01:36:17,600 --> 01:36:19,000
Speaker 2: I and she was like, yeah, but they could also

2103
01:36:19,000 --> 01:36:21,040
Speaker 2: be used for good. And so I sat with my

2104
01:36:21,120 --> 01:36:22,760
Speaker 2: team and I talked to them about it, and we

2105
01:36:22,800 --> 01:36:26,680
Speaker 2: decided to move forward with it. Obviously, and you know,

2106
01:36:26,720 --> 01:36:29,080
Speaker 2: it's changed so many people. But that is my biggest

2107
01:36:29,120 --> 01:36:32,679
Speaker 2: fear is that people will use this for bad, not good.

2108
01:36:32,720 --> 01:36:34,799
Speaker 2: And so it's really important I think for everyone listening

2109
01:36:34,800 --> 01:36:38,200
Speaker 2: that if you have the intention to build friendships and

2110
01:36:38,240 --> 01:36:40,080
Speaker 2: to find your people and to be warm.

2111
01:36:40,120 --> 01:36:41,639
Speaker 3: That's why we started off with that word.

2112
01:36:42,080 --> 01:36:45,120
Speaker 2: Whatever word, it is great, like that is your intention,

2113
01:36:45,200 --> 01:36:47,400
Speaker 2: and that is only searching for good, and that should

2114
01:36:47,400 --> 01:36:48,360
Speaker 2: always be our intention.

2115
01:36:49,160 --> 01:36:53,040
Speaker 1: I love that, Vanessa. You are incredible. I think you

2116
01:36:53,200 --> 01:36:57,160
Speaker 1: musterify go between cold and confidence. I can now we

2117
01:36:57,360 --> 01:37:01,040
Speaker 1: spent two hours together. No, I mean it's I think

2118
01:37:01,080 --> 01:37:03,120
Speaker 1: the work you're doing is amazing, and I think it's

2119
01:37:03,120 --> 01:37:06,920
Speaker 1: so needed in a time when a lot of us

2120
01:37:06,960 --> 01:37:10,840
Speaker 1: are dealing with low self esteem, low confidence. We think

2121
01:37:10,920 --> 01:37:13,080
Speaker 1: everyone else is impressive and we're.

2122
01:37:12,920 --> 01:37:17,040
Speaker 3: Not, and we're lonely and lonely, and we're underestimated.

2123
01:37:17,200 --> 01:37:19,840
Speaker 1: Yes, and we look around and we think we're the

2124
01:37:19,880 --> 01:37:24,720
Speaker 1: only one struggling when the reality is someone just had

2125
01:37:24,760 --> 01:37:27,360
Speaker 1: the chance to develop a few of these skills, maybe

2126
01:37:27,439 --> 01:37:30,400
Speaker 1: in a workplace, maybe in college, maybe their parents had

2127
01:37:30,400 --> 01:37:34,599
Speaker 1: some of these naturally. And you don't have to feel

2128
01:37:34,720 --> 01:37:37,120
Speaker 1: that what you have now is all you have.

2129
01:37:37,360 --> 01:37:42,160
Speaker 2: That's it, And not everyone is going to be your flavor. Yeah,

2130
01:37:42,240 --> 01:37:43,800
Speaker 2: you don't have to let everyone like you. In fact,

2131
01:37:43,840 --> 01:37:44,200
Speaker 2: that doesn't.

2132
01:37:44,200 --> 01:37:45,080
Speaker 3: It is impossible.

2133
01:37:45,520 --> 01:37:49,240
Speaker 2: So I would rather you go into conversation finding your people,

2134
01:37:49,400 --> 01:37:51,800
Speaker 2: the people who like your weirdness, the people who like

2135
01:37:51,840 --> 01:37:54,840
Speaker 2: your awkwardness, the people who truly value your value.

2136
01:37:54,680 --> 01:37:56,200
Speaker 3: And everyone else wish them well.

2137
01:37:56,400 --> 01:37:58,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, but like, life is too short to spend time

2138
01:37:58,840 --> 01:38:00,559
Speaker 2: with people that we're ambivalent to about. Life is too

2139
01:38:00,560 --> 01:38:02,960
Speaker 2: short to not say hey, like it's too short.

2140
01:38:03,280 --> 01:38:06,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, And it's there's this old meme that I

2141
01:38:06,680 --> 01:38:12,120
Speaker 1: love that people post and it says, confidence isn't everyone

2142
01:38:12,120 --> 01:38:15,920
Speaker 1: will like me confidences, I'll be okay if everyone doesn't,

2143
01:38:16,040 --> 01:38:18,960
Speaker 1: that's it, and that I've always loved that because I

2144
01:38:19,000 --> 01:38:22,080
Speaker 1: think we think confidence means, oh, everyone likes them, and

2145
01:38:22,160 --> 01:38:25,559
Speaker 1: A that's not true for anyone at all, and B

2146
01:38:25,760 --> 01:38:29,040
Speaker 1: it's no, I'll be okay if they don't, because I

2147
01:38:29,080 --> 01:38:31,120
Speaker 1: know why I did that. I know why I showed

2148
01:38:31,200 --> 01:38:33,840
Speaker 1: up that way. I know why I said hey because

2149
01:38:33,880 --> 01:38:37,840
Speaker 1: life's too short. I know why I made eye contact

2150
01:38:37,920 --> 01:38:40,400
Speaker 1: because I wanted to form a real connection. I know

2151
01:38:40,479 --> 01:38:42,840
Speaker 1: why we went on a road trip because I wanted

2152
01:38:42,840 --> 01:38:45,640
Speaker 1: to make sure that someone was not just being a

2153
01:38:45,680 --> 01:38:48,320
Speaker 1: script and grew with me. Yeah, it's like I did

2154
01:38:48,360 --> 01:38:49,960
Speaker 1: all of that, and I know why I did it,

2155
01:38:50,360 --> 01:38:51,960
Speaker 1: even if it didn't go the way I wanted it

2156
01:38:52,000 --> 01:38:54,679
Speaker 1: to go. Yeah, Vanessa, thank you so much for showing

2157
01:38:54,760 --> 01:38:57,320
Speaker 1: up in your full self. We end every episode of

2158
01:38:57,320 --> 01:38:59,680
Speaker 1: On Purpose with the final five. These have to be

2159
01:38:59,680 --> 01:39:03,160
Speaker 1: answered in one word to one sentence maximum. You're not

2160
01:39:03,200 --> 01:39:06,519
Speaker 1: going to overseerect Vanessa. Your first question is what is

2161
01:39:06,560 --> 01:39:09,120
Speaker 1: the best advice you've ever heard or received?

2162
01:39:10,200 --> 01:39:12,559
Speaker 3: Don't say yes to everything good advice.

2163
01:39:13,080 --> 01:39:15,559
Speaker 1: Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever

2164
01:39:15,560 --> 01:39:16,240
Speaker 1: heard or received?

2165
01:39:17,280 --> 01:39:18,400
Speaker 3: Just be yourself.

2166
01:39:19,600 --> 01:39:22,360
Speaker 1: Doesn't help me. It doesn't help Yeah, because especially you

2167
01:39:22,400 --> 01:39:23,640
Speaker 1: don't even know what you're capable of.

2168
01:39:24,000 --> 01:39:26,360
Speaker 2: When people would say that's me, what if you don't

2169
01:39:26,400 --> 01:39:28,679
Speaker 2: like yourself? I had a long time where I didn't

2170
01:39:28,720 --> 01:39:31,600
Speaker 2: like myself, So when someone said be yourself, that was

2171
01:39:31,640 --> 01:39:33,280
Speaker 2: like the worst way to be and so I had

2172
01:39:33,280 --> 01:39:36,240
Speaker 2: to figure out something else. And so I think that

2173
01:39:36,240 --> 01:39:38,080
Speaker 2: that was hard. That was the worst advice because it

2174
01:39:38,120 --> 01:39:38,880
Speaker 2: actually didn't help me.

2175
01:39:39,560 --> 01:39:42,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love the answer question number three, And you

2176
01:39:42,400 --> 01:39:44,720
Speaker 1: can expand on this a bit, because I think it's

2177
01:39:44,720 --> 01:39:47,920
Speaker 1: really important. I feel like right now we're losing a

2178
01:39:48,000 --> 01:39:51,200
Speaker 1: lot of these cues because most of us are on

2179
01:39:51,240 --> 01:39:55,240
Speaker 1: a dating app and we're messaging, so you don't even

2180
01:39:55,360 --> 01:39:59,439
Speaker 1: get to see what someone's looking at. You don't get there, hey, hey,

2181
01:40:00,200 --> 01:40:03,360
Speaker 1: get that. Yes, you don't get the smell. You don't

2182
01:40:03,439 --> 01:40:07,280
Speaker 1: get the ability to give twenty nine you know, you

2183
01:40:07,280 --> 01:40:11,639
Speaker 1: don't get it, And so what are we losing and

2184
01:40:11,720 --> 01:40:12,840
Speaker 1: how do we navigate it?

2185
01:40:12,920 --> 01:40:18,960
Speaker 2: What we're losing is freedom because they're so narrow those apps.

2186
01:40:18,960 --> 01:40:20,320
Speaker 2: It's like, how do you look?

2187
01:40:20,600 --> 01:40:22,800
Speaker 3: Okay? Now what are these five questions that are on

2188
01:40:22,880 --> 01:40:24,200
Speaker 3: your profile? How did you answer them?

2189
01:40:24,360 --> 01:40:24,479
Speaker 1: Oh?

2190
01:40:24,520 --> 01:40:25,600
Speaker 3: Now we're going to text in.

2191
01:40:25,640 --> 01:40:28,040
Speaker 2: It's very weird, limited way back and forth, and so

2192
01:40:28,080 --> 01:40:31,000
Speaker 2: we lack the freedom to be like, so like, what

2193
01:40:31,040 --> 01:40:32,200
Speaker 2: brings you here to this gym?

2194
01:40:32,320 --> 01:40:33,479
Speaker 3: Oh? You come here a lot?

2195
01:40:33,680 --> 01:40:33,800
Speaker 1: Oh?

2196
01:40:33,880 --> 01:40:36,360
Speaker 2: I saw you with your friend, Like, we need more

2197
01:40:36,439 --> 01:40:40,160
Speaker 2: freedom to find our people. I don't dislike dating apps

2198
01:40:40,160 --> 01:40:43,200
Speaker 2: because I think they've created a number of beautiful friendships.

2199
01:40:43,240 --> 01:40:45,439
Speaker 2: And but what I think that is really important is

2200
01:40:45,720 --> 01:40:48,320
Speaker 2: you don't use them as your only vehicle for dating.

2201
01:40:48,960 --> 01:40:50,240
Speaker 3: Make them be one vehicle.

2202
01:40:50,560 --> 01:40:52,559
Speaker 2: But then if you're dating and you're really serious about

2203
01:40:52,600 --> 01:40:56,360
Speaker 2: finding your person, make it your part time job and

2204
01:40:56,439 --> 01:40:58,960
Speaker 2: go to the places where your person would be. So

2205
01:40:59,640 --> 01:41:03,479
Speaker 2: when I'm my friends is also dating and she's a

2206
01:41:03,520 --> 01:41:07,280
Speaker 2: dog and I was like, sure, do the apps one,

2207
01:41:07,840 --> 01:41:10,240
Speaker 2: you know, thirty minutes a day at the most. Otherwise,

2208
01:41:10,320 --> 01:41:12,880
Speaker 2: I want you to go to every dog park within

2209
01:41:12,920 --> 01:41:15,720
Speaker 2: a mile of you every day after work and just

2210
01:41:15,800 --> 01:41:18,920
Speaker 2: look around, talk to everyone, talk to men, talk to women,

2211
01:41:19,280 --> 01:41:21,400
Speaker 2: and just start talking to the people o those dog parks.

2212
01:41:21,400 --> 01:41:22,800
Speaker 2: You know why they live within a mile of you.

2213
01:41:23,720 --> 01:41:26,879
Speaker 2: They are dog owners and you can see.

2214
01:41:26,640 --> 01:41:29,479
Speaker 3: Them with their dog. And she was like, oh, And

2215
01:41:29,520 --> 01:41:30,920
Speaker 3: I was like, that's your part time job.

2216
01:41:31,160 --> 01:41:32,920
Speaker 2: So just make sure that dating apps aren't your only

2217
01:41:32,960 --> 01:41:34,880
Speaker 2: way that you're going to the places where they might

2218
01:41:34,960 --> 01:41:37,679
Speaker 2: be and you're spending more time there than on the app.

2219
01:41:37,840 --> 01:41:40,040
Speaker 1: I love that. It's great advice. Did you find someone

2220
01:41:40,120 --> 01:41:43,040
Speaker 1: yet not yet? No? Yeah, that's cool. I really like

2221
01:41:43,120 --> 01:41:47,840
Speaker 1: that though, I really like that, why do I want

2222
01:41:47,840 --> 01:42:00,840
Speaker 1: to go a question for for how do we get

2223
01:42:00,840 --> 01:42:02,960
Speaker 1: comfortable with awkward pauses? Oh?

2224
01:42:03,200 --> 01:42:06,960
Speaker 2: No, hmm, so actually here's how we do it. Powerful

2225
01:42:06,960 --> 01:42:11,680
Speaker 2: people pause more. Pausing is a signal to someone that

2226
01:42:11,920 --> 01:42:15,960
Speaker 2: you're not rushed. So one, if someone else has paused,

2227
01:42:16,360 --> 01:42:18,800
Speaker 2: you have made them comfortable enough where they don't feel

2228
01:42:18,800 --> 01:42:19,640
Speaker 2: like they have to rush with you.

2229
01:42:20,320 --> 01:42:20,679
Speaker 1: Gift.

2230
01:42:21,479 --> 01:42:24,920
Speaker 3: If you are pausing, you are giving space to say

2231
01:42:25,160 --> 01:42:28,960
Speaker 3: I'm okay for just this second to pause, and so

2232
01:42:29,200 --> 01:42:31,519
Speaker 3: pausing shows you're doing something right.

2233
01:42:32,520 --> 01:42:34,599
Speaker 1: I love that I do it all. I did it

2234
01:42:34,680 --> 01:42:37,360
Speaker 1: just then even to come up with that question because

2235
01:42:38,000 --> 01:42:40,000
Speaker 1: I was trying to figure out where we wanted to go, yeah,

2236
01:42:40,040 --> 01:42:41,439
Speaker 1: and I didn't want to just do this what I'm

2237
01:42:41,479 --> 01:42:43,920
Speaker 1: doing now, which is like, oh, I'm think of it

2238
01:42:43,960 --> 01:42:45,400
Speaker 1: as wet to ask you next, and I'm not sure

2239
01:42:45,439 --> 01:42:47,000
Speaker 1: where to go with it, but I'm thinking about it, like,

2240
01:42:47,240 --> 01:42:48,479
Speaker 1: let me just think about it for a second. Is

2241
01:42:48,520 --> 01:42:48,840
Speaker 1: that okay?

2242
01:42:48,880 --> 01:42:49,920
Speaker 3: And it's just filler.

2243
01:42:50,000 --> 01:42:52,120
Speaker 1: It's just filler, and we're lost, and it's like, well, no,

2244
01:42:52,160 --> 01:42:54,200
Speaker 1: I actually didn't know. And I thought about it for

2245
01:42:54,200 --> 01:42:55,040
Speaker 1: a second and it.

2246
01:42:55,360 --> 01:42:56,640
Speaker 3: Gave me a moment to take a breath. And we

2247
01:42:56,760 --> 01:42:58,599
Speaker 3: both feel comfortable and feels comfortable.

2248
01:42:59,240 --> 01:43:02,639
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's okay to do that. Fifth and final question,

2249
01:43:02,720 --> 01:43:04,360
Speaker 1: we asked this to every guest who's ever been on

2250
01:43:04,400 --> 01:43:07,839
Speaker 1: the show. If you could create one law that everyone

2251
01:43:07,880 --> 01:43:09,280
Speaker 1: had to follow, what would it be?

2252
01:43:10,560 --> 01:43:10,880
Speaker 3: Okay?

2253
01:43:11,080 --> 01:43:13,080
Speaker 2: If I had to create one law but everyone had

2254
01:43:13,080 --> 01:43:16,360
Speaker 2: to follow, it would be no more fake smiles. I

2255
01:43:16,520 --> 01:43:19,120
Speaker 2: like that, no more fake smiles. If you like it,

2256
01:43:19,360 --> 01:43:22,360
Speaker 2: like it, heck, yes, like it. If you don't like it,

2257
01:43:22,520 --> 01:43:25,680
Speaker 2: don't pretend. We would be so much better off with

2258
01:43:26,240 --> 01:43:28,439
Speaker 2: no fake smiles because we would actually know what people

2259
01:43:28,520 --> 01:43:29,280
Speaker 2: like and don't like.

2260
01:43:30,400 --> 01:43:35,439
Speaker 1: I like that advice. That's good. That's good, Vanessa, Vana adverts. Everyone,

2261
01:43:35,520 --> 01:43:38,080
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. That was a master class. Oh

2262
01:43:38,120 --> 01:43:42,479
Speaker 1: my goodness, dating, work, communication cues. I really hope you

2263
01:43:42,560 --> 01:43:43,960
Speaker 1: come back on the show. I would love it, and

2264
01:43:43,960 --> 01:43:46,160
Speaker 1: I hope you get to spend more time together. And

2265
01:43:46,200 --> 01:43:48,680
Speaker 1: everyone's been listening or watching. I want you to tell me.

2266
01:43:48,920 --> 01:43:51,479
Speaker 1: I want you to tag me and Vanessa on Instagram,

2267
01:43:51,520 --> 01:43:53,720
Speaker 1: on TikTok. I want you to share with us what

2268
01:43:53,760 --> 01:43:56,920
Speaker 1: you're testing, what you're trying, what you're experimenting with. If

2269
01:43:56,920 --> 01:43:59,599
Speaker 1: you said hey to someone right, whichever one of these

2270
01:43:59,640 --> 01:44:01,200
Speaker 1: that you did. I want you to tell us that

2271
01:44:01,200 --> 01:44:03,200
Speaker 1: you're doing it. I want you to share with us

2272
01:44:03,280 --> 01:44:06,280
Speaker 1: what you're trialing, because that's where we learn together. You're

2273
01:44:06,280 --> 01:44:08,640
Speaker 1: going to inspire so many people who follow you and

2274
01:44:08,640 --> 01:44:11,639
Speaker 1: connect with you, your friends and family, to learn about

2275
01:44:11,640 --> 01:44:16,000
Speaker 1: how they can master the secret language of charismatic communication.

2276
01:44:16,520 --> 01:44:19,160
Speaker 1: You have the ability everyone else she now does as well.

2277
01:44:19,439 --> 01:44:22,280
Speaker 1: It's just about finding it and building it. Vanessa has

2278
01:44:22,320 --> 01:44:25,679
Speaker 1: the blueprint. Go and follow her across social media, grab

2279
01:44:25,720 --> 01:44:28,120
Speaker 1: her books, and tag us both when you're listening to

2280
01:44:28,160 --> 01:44:28,880
Speaker 1: this episode.

2281
01:44:28,920 --> 01:44:32,160
Speaker 2: If you not at someone and you end up that

2282
01:44:32,400 --> 01:44:34,800
Speaker 2: they're your soulmate and you come to Austin, Texas, I.

2283
01:44:34,720 --> 01:44:38,840
Speaker 3: Will marry you. Okay, Like, let's create some soulmates. Let's

2284
01:44:38,880 --> 01:44:40,799
Speaker 3: make some on purpose babies.

2285
01:44:41,120 --> 01:44:41,640
Speaker 1: I love that.

2286
01:44:41,720 --> 01:44:43,840
Speaker 3: I will marry you. But if you hate someone and

2287
01:44:43,840 --> 01:44:46,000
Speaker 3: they hate you back, I'll marry you.

2288
01:44:46,200 --> 01:44:49,360
Speaker 1: That's brilliant. I love that. That's so cool. Hey everyone,

2289
01:44:49,600 --> 01:44:52,439
Speaker 1: if you love that conversation, go and check out my

2290
01:44:52,520 --> 01:44:56,720
Speaker 1: episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she

2291
01:44:56,880 --> 01:45:00,360
Speaker 1: answers the biggest questions that people ask in the therapy

2292
01:45:00,640 --> 01:45:05,080
Speaker 1: when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If

2293
01:45:05,120 --> 01:45:07,640
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out that space right now, you

2294
01:45:07,720 --> 01:45:09,560
Speaker 1: won't want to miss this conversation.

2295
01:45:09,960 --> 01:45:12,719
Speaker 2: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

2296
01:45:13,200 --> 01:45:16,759
Speaker 3: It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.

2297
01:45:17,240 --> 01:45:20,759
Speaker 3: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.