Speaker 1: Hello everyone, Grace Freud here, Welcome to Santa University. Eight
Speaker 1: eight whole years. Can you fucking believe it? It's longer
Speaker 1: than most relationships you've been in. You fucking flop. I
Speaker 1: know it's longer than any relationship I've been in. And listen,
Speaker 1: in every beloved series, there are entries that are.
Speaker 2: You gotta listen to me right now. This one's really bad.
Speaker 2: This one is a there's nothing here for you. Every
Speaker 2: year it's the same, Oh it's written last minute. Oh
Speaker 2: it's a mess. Well, this year it's maybe even less
Speaker 2: finished than ever. It's really objectively eight pages long, and
Speaker 2: then everyone just starts to panic. Throughout this installment, you'll
Speaker 2: hear Jamie make various excuses for why this is she's overworked,
Speaker 2: her deador like that doesn't happen to anybody else, and
Speaker 2: a bunch of other bullshit. But you, the Santa University listener,
Speaker 2: should not let her get away with it. You want
Speaker 2: to get this movie made and sit your ass down
Speaker 2: and write Jamie. Happy holidays everyone, and if this is
Speaker 2: your first Santa you, apologies from the management. This is iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: We keep things classy over here, and this quality of
Speaker 1: content is not characteristic of our very large company, because
Speaker 1: she couldn't be bothered to write it down this year.
Speaker 1: These are pages from the still unproduced six hundred page
Speaker 1: screenplay Santi University, the musical about a school full of
Speaker 1: forty thousand Santas where every year thirty nine and ninety
Speaker 1: nine Santas are killed and the last Santa standing is
Speaker 1: the one true Santa. So as you listen to this
Speaker 1: associative episode, just remind yourself that it's too late for
Speaker 1: you to stop listening, or for Jamie to stop writing.
Speaker 1: Santa University is a death cult and we will never
Speaker 1: ever be.
Speaker 2: Free of it.
Speaker 3: Jamie here with a quick cast list before we start
Speaker 3: the formal file. We have Miles Gray reprising his starring
Speaker 3: role as Dan Santa, Jack O'Brien as Dean Santa on A.
Speaker 3: Jsnier in the iconic role of Gal Santa. Caitlin Dorante
Speaker 3: reprises the role of Sully, who in this case is
Speaker 3: a pilot heard of that before. We have Joelle Monique
Speaker 3: as Michelle Numbers and David Zaslov who I did not
Speaker 3: remember to write a line for, Catherine Law as Intellect Santa.
Speaker 3: Sophie Lichterman as betrayal Santa, Sarah Marshall as God Santa,
Speaker 3: Robert Evans as second Amendment Santa, Margaret Killjoy as Hot
Speaker 3: Woman of the Wood, Santa prop as Cool Santa, and
Speaker 3: wait for it, Luigi Mangioni dated maybe by the time
Speaker 3: you're listening to it, Brian Jeffries as pregnant Santa, who
Speaker 3: also very very generously edited this to make it sound listenable.
Speaker 3: Justin Smith as Pimple that's not quite ready to pop,
Speaker 3: so it's frustrating Santa. Victor Wright as arms were his
Speaker 3: eyes should be Santa, and Jamie loftus Chris Crofton reprising
Speaker 3: his famous role of glory Hole Santa, and Grant Crater
Speaker 3: as the dog that keeps getting shot. Let's get into it,
Speaker 3: shall we? Santa University eight, mostly improv due to budget constraints.
Speaker 3: Interior eighty degrees December Hell. Here we are Santa University eight.
Speaker 3: Jamie here the esteemed screenwriter of Santi University, the six
Speaker 3: hundred and forty seven page epic musical where forty thousand
Speaker 3: Santas are admitted every year to Santi University, but only
Speaker 3: one lives until graduation. Originally supposed to be released in
Speaker 3: twenty seventeen. Pages from the script have leaked at every
Speaker 3: Yule tide, just as the writer's mental capacity is at
Speaker 3: its breaking point, making others laugh as she sank deeper
Speaker 3: into whatever was actually going on. These pages, pages sixteen
Speaker 3: to thirty, were paradoxically found wedge between pages fifteen and
Speaker 3: sixteen of the original Santi University script, drenched in French
Speaker 3: dressing but just barely legible. It is unclear whether they
Speaker 3: were intended to be filmed or included in the final product.
Speaker 3: But after a year of contracting AI to write scripts
Speaker 3: that ended up being right wing porn, the bad kind
Speaker 3: that doesn't make money, David Zaslov decided to shake off
Speaker 3: the pages and give it a shot. Oho Jamie, thrilled
Speaker 3: to be working but dismayed to be paid in coupons
Speaker 3: and canned cocktails, panted the pages over, drenched in milky
Speaker 3: orange sauce as intended. We meet the crew mid jingle
Speaker 3: Class interior jingle Class Day. It's a scene from Santi
Speaker 3: University one. Don't re remember well, aren't you young? You
Speaker 3: six son of a bitch. I wish you were dead
Speaker 3: instead of anyone I knew personally. We see Dan Santa
Speaker 3: looks like shit cannot read and Goth Santa Dan Santa's
Speaker 3: bright eyes fan friend who will amount to very little
Speaker 3: trying to jingle their bells without success as Gal Santa nepotism,
Speaker 3: beautiful and Cool Santa cool jingle theirs with success.
Speaker 4: Look, man, shit gets crazy, scary, spooky, hilarious. And if
Speaker 4: I was Dan Santa, shed, I put myself through a
Speaker 4: Santa shredder.
Speaker 3: Oh my gee. Dan looks over to the Santa shredder,
Speaker 3: a Santa sized shredder. Professors keeping their lecture halls for
Speaker 3: intimidation purposes. Gal lapsed, but only half heartedly.
Speaker 5: Sounds like her a little threatened. Cool Santa my boyfriend
Speaker 5: for now that.
Speaker 3: Is I'm not Santa.
Speaker 6: That's that's awesome, and I would not spread myself in
Speaker 6: your place.
Speaker 3: Professor Santa turns to God.
Speaker 7: Now listen, Goth Santa, there will be no interrupting jingle
Speaker 7: class as punishment. What is one plus one?
Speaker 2: You'll know, you'll know what.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 3: Michelle numbers a new character Wow, exciting shrieks from her
Speaker 3: table beside fan favorite arms where his eye should be Santa.
Speaker 3: Professor Santa, whose husband has just discovered she's cheating. So
Speaker 3: that won't enter. The plot approaches Michelle.
Speaker 8: What is it?
Speaker 7: Michelle Numbers on.
Speaker 3: The professor's eyes widen. She thinks this is a reference
Speaker 3: to her raw fucking one of the cafeteria l It
Speaker 3: begins to sing in her own defense, song one, There's
Speaker 3: enough Santa to go around, a ballad about poly Santa's
Speaker 3: from the perspective of a sexually liberated Santa professional. Only
Speaker 3: she is their teacher, so it is deeply uncomfortable for everyone.
Speaker 7: Go that's enough Santa to go around?
Speaker 3: And the versions what I was looking for here.
Speaker 9: There's enough Santa. Doesn't make a sound.
Speaker 3: There you go, beautiful, Caitlin.
Speaker 7: Look, I didn't take enough improv classes for this sound bound.
Speaker 3: It doesn't need to rhyme.
Speaker 7: That's good.
Speaker 3: That's a good verse right there. It continues for two verses, theoretically,
Speaker 3: and then Michelle Numbers exclaims one the cursed number. The
Speaker 3: scene begins to fade, and suddenly we're trapped into interior
Speaker 3: American Airlines Flight Santa Crash. Our favorite Santa University characters
Speaker 3: are all comfortable settled in on a commercial airline flight,
Speaker 3: anxious but excited to go wherever. Australia Cleveland. Wherever you go,
Speaker 3: your mental illness follows. Supposing you're Jamie the screenwriter of
Speaker 3: Santi University, and you had two weekly series to produce
Speaker 3: this year, would you ask me to do this? Anyways?
Speaker 3: I have recently seen either twenty eight or thirty six
Speaker 3: episodes of Loss in the dead of night, which depends
Speaker 3: on whether you can considered being asleep watching Lost, which
Speaker 3: I do, and another thing, sleeping or playing Neopets counts
Speaker 3: as watch and Lost as long as the media in
Speaker 3: question is not created by me Oppenheimer iPad Mini content
Speaker 3: my podcast IMAX? Does this make sense? Betrayal Santa, a
Speaker 3: flight attendant, wheels her cart of candy canes and moonshine
Speaker 3: down the aisle, smiling politely as we meet our favorite characters.
Speaker 10: Uh, just a candy cane for me, please?
Speaker 8: Are you sure it's complimentary?
Speaker 3: Dan, Santa, who can't even read, tries to read the
Speaker 3: moonshine bottle.
Speaker 10: Wastol bird, Thank you. I'm allergic to pomegranate.
Speaker 5: I'll take his at a girl.
Speaker 9: Awesome man, right.
Speaker 5: We wouldn't want this scene to pass the backdeill test
Speaker 5: poll Anka.
Speaker 3: She hands Gal too moonshines and hands the others in
Speaker 3: her row pool sand the Dean Santa and Glory Hole
Speaker 3: Santa their own moonshines.
Speaker 5: I'm Gal Santa, the Santa who is a girl.
Speaker 11: And I'm Dean Santa, the Santa University dean and father
Speaker 11: to Gal Santa, who will eventually survive until the end
Speaker 11: of Santa University. Unlike Dan Santa.
Speaker 12: Got any come there, lay mans.
Speaker 4: Look, he means to say, I'm Glory Hole Santa, gals
Speaker 4: bio logical father who conceived her by swallowing come in
Speaker 4: the glory hole. But no one likes to talk about
Speaker 4: it though that's true.
Speaker 12: Colme anyone stop.
Speaker 3: Betrayl Santa. He's reeling ford Second Amendment Santa, the Santa
Speaker 3: with so many guns, the dog and intellect Santa.
Speaker 13: Hey, waitress Sanna, you know how no one ever wants
Speaker 13: to kill a dog and a piece of beloved media.
Speaker 13: It's betrayal Santa because it upsets people who can't handle
Speaker 13: the world.
Speaker 3: Please don't respond, you're setting him up.
Speaker 8: I'm curious how the sentence progresses.
Speaker 14: Well check this out. Let him cook, Let him cook.
Speaker 3: He shoots the dog in the head and dog begins
Speaker 3: to sing.
Speaker 12: Dong too.
Speaker 3: I'm glad he killed me. I deserved it. A ballad
Speaker 3: second amendment Sanda joins it at some point. It's not
Speaker 3: in key, but it's powerful.
Speaker 13: Go Sometimes the people who get shot deserve it. Not often,
Speaker 13: but it happens occasionally. You all know what I'm talking about,
Speaker 13: but for legal reasons, I can't sing about it in
Speaker 13: more detail. But come on, we all know who this
Speaker 13: song's about.
Speaker 15: And now my verse as the dog ow ow ow
Speaker 15: this is the end of my life. Ow ow ow
Speaker 15: ow ow ow. I didn't even get a dog wife.
Speaker 3: Somehow the dog lives to be shot another time. Later
Speaker 3: in the script, the scene continues, Wow, that was incredible.
Speaker 13: Banks want to see it again.
Speaker 3: No, let him cook. Song three, Please don't shoot the
Speaker 3: dog again. This is a betrayal Santa song song actually
Speaker 3: with second amendment Santa this time as the dog shakes
Speaker 3: in fear.
Speaker 2: What is the lady's too lunch?
Speaker 15: Oh?
Speaker 3: The lady's lunch.
Speaker 12: Are A guess?
Speaker 3: Guess probably it's very Broadway. Yes, no, I should have
Speaker 3: I should have thought to tell you who the ladies
Speaker 3: who lunch are. It's the lame script, Robert. It's it's
Speaker 3: very brassy. It acts like you're singing like you have
Speaker 3: forty minutes left to live.
Speaker 9: I'm gonna not.
Speaker 6: Do that, but uh, Robert, let the dogs out do it.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I've worked on this for months, Robert, it's your time.
Speaker 13: I'm not gonna shoot the dog again. I'm not going
Speaker 13: to shoot the dog a second time. But you know,
Speaker 13: somebody else got shot this year, and for once, it
Speaker 13: was not a bad news story. Usually when that happens,
Speaker 13: everyone gets bummed out. We all had a very nice week.
Speaker 3: Intellect santas an intelligent woman, and she knows that no
Speaker 3: one wants to see the dog get shot in the head.
Speaker 3: I guess in the head a second time. But she's
Speaker 3: entering the chorus when bang.
Speaker 7: It's okay.
Speaker 15: It's a work of fiction in Santa University. I can't die,
Speaker 15: me the dog. And to further the point, I won't die.
Speaker 3: A betrayal, Santa keeps wheeling the cart towards pimple that's
Speaker 3: not quite ready to pop. So it's frustrating Santa. Michelle
Speaker 3: numbers and pregnant Santa Candy canes anyone, Oh.
Speaker 12: I can't, I'm I'm pregnant.
Speaker 3: A long beat can pregnant women naughty Candy Canes.
Speaker 11: Sorry, the writer of Santa University didn't know what to
Speaker 11: do with a pregnant character other than to make them
Speaker 11: sit in place and say they can't do anything because
Speaker 11: they're pregnant.
Speaker 8: Paul Anka, paul Anka, indeed, oh what the hell?
Speaker 2: Give me some moonshine.
Speaker 3: Arms for his eyes should be. Santa grabs the moonshine
Speaker 3: from pregnant Santa's hand as betrayal, Santa and I didn't
Speaker 3: finish that scene. We fade into the dream world continuous.
Speaker 3: Jamie stands in the middle of the ether, so Victory
Speaker 3: will desperately try to understand how this bit has been
Speaker 3: going on for eight years. Did she think her parents
Speaker 3: would outlive this bit? He definitely did. But look at God,
Speaker 3: look at me. Shaking her head in disbelief, she's approached
Speaker 3: by Dan Santa.
Speaker 10: You came, yes, listen up. My name is Dan Santa,
Speaker 10: and I've come here to curse you.
Speaker 2: Oh no, For.
Speaker 10: The next ten years minimum, you will spend two to
Speaker 10: three desperate hours between your other jobs writing a play
Speaker 10: about me, a piece of shit gall appears.
Speaker 5: Who can't even read, and me a girl. I don't
Speaker 5: think we're progressed beyond that glory hole, Santa appears me.
Speaker 14: The glory hole Santa from the gory hale, who, if
Speaker 14: you'd had sufficient time, would have ended up realizing on
Speaker 14: Santa University Island that's sucking the pus from the pimple
Speaker 14: that's not quite ready to pop. Santa would satiate.
Speaker 12: His come thirst.
Speaker 16: Disgusting and true, and maybe you would have met me,
Speaker 16: the hot woman who's lived in the woods for all
Speaker 16: these years, who Michelle Numbers will enter the number one
Speaker 16: she's obsessed with into the University Island computer.
Speaker 3: And Michelle Numbers appears. The computer would blow up and
Speaker 3: the island would blow up. I'm not very smart and
Speaker 3: I can't fucking read, and you're.
Speaker 5: Stuck with all of us, and I'm a girl.
Speaker 3: Luigi Mangrioni enters, Hey was go with it? Man?
Speaker 10: If I weren't already pregnant, No, no, got it?
Speaker 2: Come number one.
Speaker 3: This is a song for JB. A. K. Victor. I
Speaker 3: would let Luigi Mangioni finger me on opening night at
Speaker 3: No Serratu. This is a ballad actually between Victor and
Speaker 3: and and prop I.
Speaker 9: Guess, okay, hm hmmmm.
Speaker 3: And then come in there too, okay, I.
Speaker 9: Would let Luigi Mangoni finger me on opening.
Speaker 12: Night fingers sperratu, the.
Speaker 9: Right spertu.
Speaker 15: I'm actually Jamie Victor's Jamie.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna change your live just maybe.
Speaker 12: Just finger me at no speratum, the fingus, the index and.
Speaker 3: Then actually kind of everyone joins in after a second
Speaker 3: because there's interior. American Airlines Flight Santa crash. For the
Speaker 3: first time in the script, the pilot Sully chimes in,
Speaker 3: unknown to everyone else on the flight, a person named
Speaker 3: Sully has never successfully landed a plane, and is your Hello.
Speaker 7: It's your it's your captain Sully. Okay, I've been here
Speaker 7: the whole time, little did you know? Okay, I got
Speaker 7: fired from my job Litz, but American Airlines hired me.
Speaker 7: Now here's the thing. They did make a movie about me,
Speaker 7: starring Tom Hanks. It's a biopic about me, and he
Speaker 7: did a fucking shitty job portraying me.
Speaker 9: He did.
Speaker 7: But here's the thing.
Speaker 3: People start booing Sully because Ady sending himself against this
Speaker 3: allegation that he's made.
Speaker 7: Hey, now don't be like that. Okay, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 7: gonna land this plane. You think that Sully's have never
Speaker 7: landed a plane. Well I'm gonna land this motherfucking plane.
Speaker 3: In Santa starts bullying and antagonizing Sully as he's about
Speaker 3: to land the plane.
Speaker 16: Oh my god, you think you're going to land this plane?
Speaker 14: Well, you know what huge?
Speaker 9: You know what else is huge?
Speaker 3: Lid Lidd's the chain Dean, Santa joins in.
Speaker 11: First of all, the movie about you is great, so
Speaker 11: you should shut the funk up about that fucking soul.
Speaker 11: That movie rules, and it is a way better pilot
Speaker 11: than you. You can't land this plane for ship.
Speaker 9: You suck.
Speaker 2: Lid sucks.
Speaker 3: Michelle numbering, Michelle number shaking still finds the energy to
Speaker 3: bully Sully the pilot Sully worthless piece of shit. You
Speaker 3: better land this plane, chance, Sully, do it?
Speaker 4: Get her at hey, hey, hey, hey Luigi, Luigi here,
Speaker 4: hey hey, Sully, shut the fuck up, or I treat
Speaker 4: you like a CEO.
Speaker 12: Plane.
Speaker 3: I'm doing it. Why do you guys think I can't. Finally,
Speaker 3: the click of a cocked gun is heard from the
Speaker 3: back of the plane. From second Amendment, Santa the dog
Speaker 3: begins to shake. This shot isn't intended for him.
Speaker 2: Here you go.
Speaker 12: You deserve something to do.
Speaker 3: Well, Sully, what the fuck are you going to do?
Speaker 3: Don't shoot man, I can land this plane. Sully starts
Speaker 3: to land the plane competently to everyone's shottention that everyone
Speaker 3: that everything was building towards glory holds. Santa, in his
Speaker 3: panic begins to suck the plus from pimple Santa's.
Speaker 2: Face, change the satisfy. It's just like.
Speaker 3: John betrayal Santa's arm. Meaningfully, it's been feeling a vibe
Speaker 3: between us.
Speaker 8: Oh no, honey, I don't think you have I'm betrayal Santa.
Speaker 8: And if the writer Santa University had had the bandwidth,
Speaker 8: she would have set up an bait and switched romance
Speaker 8: that would end in our betrayal.
Speaker 9: And then I'd be your true love only.
Speaker 16: Instead of it just being comfortable and easy, I would
Speaker 16: try to explain to you why polyamory would be able
Speaker 16: to fix you and all of the problems you've been having.
Speaker 9: With betraying people. Oh no, although I'm not on the plane,
Speaker 9: Jamie didn't get that far.
Speaker 3: Nonetheless, Song five is a is a three part ballot
Speaker 3: between hot woman Santa, Goth Santa, and betrayal Santa called
Speaker 3: she didn't finish the script, which is a jazzy number
Speaker 3: that ends in the hot woman shooting the dog again.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, oh boy.
Speaker 9: She didn't finish the script. No, she didn't stop.
Speaker 3: The script. Stop the world's been turned. Since the world's
Speaker 3: been turning.
Speaker 9: She didn't finish the script.
Speaker 3: Not believe on the assassination, other stuff in the news.
Speaker 3: I forget. What's some kind of an election, Jamie, script
Speaker 3: jump in, you're in the news man.
Speaker 4: I am the new new main main character, Buck Mario,
Speaker 4: Buck Mario. I'm gonna teacher.
Speaker 12: How to finish the job.
Speaker 2: A teacher.
Speaker 4: The job, Jamie, Jamie, Yeah, going, let's te.
Speaker 12: Jamie, got any come?
Speaker 8: I did not shoot the dog.
Speaker 3: Just for the record, it could never be me. Finally,
Speaker 3: the three you women agree on a high note, and
Speaker 3: then okay, let's all agree on a note.
Speaker 12: And then wow, no, woman.
Speaker 3: Who lives in the Woodsta shoots the dog in the
Speaker 3: head again.
Speaker 9: I don't know what came over me.
Speaker 11: Damn, I can't catch a break.
Speaker 10: He really shot the dog how many times over this book?
Speaker 9: This last time it was me, and I don't know
Speaker 9: how I feel about it?
Speaker 3: Okay, what is what is going on?
Speaker 10: I just why does everything have to be so scary?
Speaker 3: No, no, my freaking god.
Speaker 9: Because when you live alone in the woods, everything is scary.
Speaker 4: What I tell y'all, put this man in this redder.
Speaker 4: I tried to tell y'all, you didn't win to this reddit.
Speaker 4: Don't nobody listen to.
Speaker 9: It's me the Dog.
Speaker 15: I think we should maybe all take a moment of
Speaker 15: science to consider the violent vicissitudes of the American character.
Speaker 7: Hi, it's me Stolly. Is anyone gonna congratulate me for
Speaker 7: land in the plane?
Speaker 9: It's not a bare minimum.
Speaker 17: I wasn't even on the plane on this island. And
Speaker 17: then I showed up and sang a song and then shot.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, clap with this guy for doing his job.
Speaker 2: Got any come.
Speaker 17: Well, welcome to my island. I have a strong dog
Speaker 17: corns in procedure. I really wish you would followed. It
Speaker 17: would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. I feel
Speaker 17: terrible about it, but there's just there's a lot of
Speaker 17: a lot of wildlife here that just there's dog born
Speaker 17: illnesses that would have absolutely destroyed all of the birds.
Speaker 17: And I feel terrible about it, okay, but it had
Speaker 17: to be done, and and I just really wish Sully.
Speaker 17: I think you're the pilot, and I think that you
Speaker 17: should have been more responsible about your flight plan before
Speaker 17: you landed the plane, which you did a very good job,
Speaker 17: and I know that a lot of people thought I
Speaker 17: couldn't do it.
Speaker 9: Thank you so much.
Speaker 7: I yeah, here's the thing. I don't really I'm not
Speaker 7: paying attention to how many dogs are on my flight,
Speaker 7: so that's not on me.
Speaker 9: There's more than there's another dog.
Speaker 5: I think it's just another year at.
Speaker 3: Wow, the plan miraculously lands. If there had been more time,
Speaker 3: more would have happened. But this is basically just a
Speaker 3: pointless splashback covered in French dressing, to a time that
Speaker 3: most of the characters from Santi University took a flight
Speaker 3: to Cleveland and everything went completely normal, And that's why
Speaker 3: it was ultimately cut from the script. Nonetheless, I hope
Speaker 3: you enjoyed these cut pages from Santa University, and I
Speaker 3: hope you understand why they were cut. Although there were
Speaker 3: some incredible ballads and God Santa never appears again, unfortunately,
Speaker 3: because in this world there is very little showing of God.
Speaker 3: And with that, that's a scene on Santa University eight.
Speaker 1: Maybe Grace Freud Christmas Angel here again. I know that
Speaker 1: one was rough, but you can't be mad about it,
Speaker 1: because Jesus Christ, she got thirty years with the guy.
Speaker 1: Better luck next to you those stinky happy holidays. Oh
Speaker 1: and if you want to watch something that's complete, you
Speaker 1: can watch my Mega Lapolist Christmas special right now on YouTube.
Speaker 1: Thanks everybody,