WEBVTT - Run it Back: Daddy's Love 0:00:02.040 --> 0:00:10.480 Welcome to J dot Ill, a production of iHeartRadio. What 0:00:10.680 --> 0:00:13.640 up everybody? It's like EA and as you know, Jill 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:16.479 is on tour, and so it's Asia and Fantine. As 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:18.759 a matter of fact, everybody celebrating the anniversaries on tours, 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:21.160 so make sure you find them in your city, wherever 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.840 you are in the meanwhile, we got a show to do, 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:28.200 so we are all selecting our favorite episodes of jdi 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:30.840 ill thus far. Shout out to Amber. She did hers 0:00:30.920 --> 0:00:34.520 last week and now is my turn. Wasn't easy. As 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:36.600 a matter of fact, I asked Amber, could we do 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:39.400 a top five? She said no, So now I had 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.280 to hurry up and force myself to pick my favorite. Now, 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:45.120 my favorite is one that incorporates to fellas. Because you 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:47.080 don't believe it or not, we got a couple of 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:50.000 not a couple, quite a few episodes of jdi ill 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:53.040 where we incorporate the fellas not just as guests, but 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:57.520 also as subject titles. So in this episode we talk 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:02.120 about our daddies, yep, the religationship between daddy's and daughters. 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:05.440 It's complicated and best believed between me, Jill and Aga. 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:08.280 That's what you got. But y'a also got something real 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:12.119 beautiful and kind of funny. Yeah, So take a listen 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:16.200 to Daddy's Love, one of my favorite episodes of jdi IL, 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:19.280 along with the Fronte episode, the Rory Ward Junior episode, 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:21.800 The White People Do. Okay, I'm gonna stop because before 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:24.240 ever catch me doing this, But y'all get what I'm saying. 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:31.600 Listen to a bunch of episodes of jdi ILL. Thank y'all. Okay, 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:33.840 like it's coming out of her clothes. Girl ain't got 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:35.880 no windows open, so I'm make no noise outside, so 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:37.560 I'm like, let me come out. I'm sorry, y'all. Y'all 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:39.920 gonna get pure sports for our you got to come 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:45.800 on out. Boot book release release. Oh. I felt that 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:51.400 my sister shoutouts is going through menopause, and it is fair. 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:53.520 You doin't have to do that. You ain't have to 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:57.360 do that. I knew. I'm just saying it's fascinating. I shouldn't. 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:59.680 I don't. I don't want it, but I don't want 0:01:59.680 --> 0:02:03.720 to not want it. Yeah. I mean, like watching her 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:07.680 that that sweat start coming out to something. I'm amazed. 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:10.600 I'm like, wow, it's happening right now. It ain't fine 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:14.679 I don't think it's fine. It's funny either. Yeah. Yeah, 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:17.200 I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a it's 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:20.240 a reality, right, that's my point. Like, I can't dread 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:22.920 it either. We're right, We're got to talk to somebody 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:25.839 on the show about that some one day about how 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.800 to prepare for that, because it's it's kind. But it 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.040 seems like though I ain't even gonna lie to y'all, 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.080 Like the precursor is just like that, the that the 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:36.919 thing just gets super juicy for about five six, seven 0:02:37.000 --> 0:02:40.120 years right before, so it's like and then you're super 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:43.840 dry and then it goes super dry. This is this 0:02:43.919 --> 0:02:45.639 is what it seemed like. I don't know. I don't 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:48.280 want to say nothing because I'm experienced it. I buying 0:02:48.400 --> 0:03:06.679 that with you and nothing right now and you fixed you. 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:16.440 Oh hallelujah. Oh yeah, what a good time. Oh that's wonderful. 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:19.000 This is not appropriate for where we're about to go, 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:22.880 is it. No, it's not appropriate at all. As you 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.320 can tell, we are definitely going to have a conversation 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:30.720 about menopause. I mean we just got to anyway. Today. 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:35.160 Welcome to Jay Dot Elder Podcast. It is me Jill 0:03:35.240 --> 0:03:40.440 Scott and Aja Graydon dancler like Yah Saint clair Man. Yeah, 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:43.520 we're all here today. We are going to be talking 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:49.200 about what we learn from our fathers. Oh oh baby, Okay, 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:51.880 first of all, let's start here. Aga. You got a daddy, Well, 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.360 I have a daddy in the spirit. My dad has 0:03:54.360 --> 0:03:57.640 passed away. He's been, you know, with the ancestors. Now 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:05.760 for oh girl, it's eight years almost nine actually, but yes, 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.880 that's a yes. That's an affirmative that you grew up 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:12.440 with the father. Yes, I did, I did, I did. 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:16.279 I grew up with the father. Layah Oh for show, 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:17.880 I grew up with a father and for show. He 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:20.080 has listened to his first episode of jed Ill because 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:24.720 he loved a good compliment. Yes, ma'am, for show and 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:28.960 for myself. Yes, I grew up with a father as well. 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:35.640 He wasn't in our house. But interestingly enough, my father 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:42.680 was my godfather for many years. What's in the Philly? 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:46.880 I'm sorry, what now you in the Philly? Yes, my 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:50.760 father was my godfather for many many years. I knew 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:53.520 he was my father because I looked just like him 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:56.919 and I made just like him. It's not even fair, 0:04:57.160 --> 0:04:59.919 and I can't run. I can't run. It's my daddy, 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:04.640 then what you want? Yeah, but for grown up reasons. 0:05:05.320 --> 0:05:08.800 He was my godfather for how long? From most of 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:11.640 my life till I think I hit about twenty three 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:14.120 twenty four, and then I was just like, what are 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:17.520 we doing? Like seriously, like what are we doing? Why? 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:21.000 Why are we acting like this elephant ain't in this room? Huh? 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:24.080 Because because he was there. What he was, he was 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:27.280 my godfather, so he was always around. I still want 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:29.680 to hear that conversation. So you had the conversation in 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.400 your twenties like let's stop playing this game, let's stop 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:35.400 playing these games. And he was like yeah, okay. And 0:05:35.600 --> 0:05:38.040 I my sister who was my god sister. I was like, 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:43.080 I'm your biological sister at her wedding in the guard 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:48.279 and she was like yeah okay, and we just moved 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.479 on from there. That was pretty much the gist of 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.720 the conversation. And then years later I must have been 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:58.400 about forty maybe forty, and I was like, Daddy, let's 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:01.800 just take this blood test. My mother, of course, was 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:03.640 like she you ain't. Guys like, no, blind tis, I'll 0:06:03.680 --> 0:06:09.359 tell you I know what I know. Doubt doubt me 0:06:09.440 --> 0:06:12.040 if you walk to I'll show you, and I was like, okay, 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:16.159 let's just let's just do it was nine point nine 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:20.720 nine nine nine nine that I was like, okay, got it, 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:26.120 got it. Yeah. So our dad's our dads, Yeah, what 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:30.680 did we learn from our dad's so much? Well, my 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:37.400 dad was married five times and he picked right the 0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:44.760 last one. But I watched him make financial choices. Um, 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.360 he was like, how much you got? You got seven dollars, 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:49.360 I got seven dollars, we got fourteen dollars, let's go. 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:54.640 My dad was an orphan, so his thought process was 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:58.960 to build. I don't know if it was necessarily to love. 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:07.040 So he got married four five times and divorced four. Yeah. 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:10.240 So one of the things that I would say that 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:12.960 I learned is that I don't I don't have to 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.360 be unhappy. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't have 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.120 to do that. I don't have to you know, I 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:22.960 understand people who want to stay married forever, but I 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:26.200 ain't gonna be miserable. Yeah, I mean, just because it's 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.000 a vow. Yeah, just I'm not. I mean, it's a 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.760 it's a big deal. Anybody would prefer to get married 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:35.240 and stay married. I want to have that union and 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:38.840 that partnership and that friendship and that hopefully passionate lover, 0:07:39.160 --> 0:07:42.760 you know, for a lifetime. But you know, I've learned 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:48.120 that there's a way out. And every time my dad 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:53.400 lost the house, yep, every time, and he'd start all 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:57.400 over from the beginning, and he would just let them, 0:07:57.440 --> 0:07:59.880 you know, take whatever they wanted and he would move on. 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:06.000 M you know, yeah, I learned that, you know, let 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:09.320 them take whatever they wanted, and he moved on, and 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:13.200 he moved on. I'm just saying that what I got 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:15.040 out of that is one that I don't have to 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.640 stay in a bad situation, and two not to make 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:30.280 choices about marriage just financially. M Okay, yeah, Okay. It's funny. 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:33.680 I always feel strange talking about my relationship with my 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.679 father because I'm in a I feel like, I don't 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:38.720 know why. I feel like I'm in a small collective 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:43.360 of people who had like just amazing daddy love and 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:46.640 even in a home that was like divorce. My parents 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:49.480 got divorced when I was six years old, but me 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:52.319 and my daddy been best friends since I came out 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:55.160 the womb. And he sat there and talked to me 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:58.000 about my life and what was going to happen, and 0:08:58.040 --> 0:08:59.640 the joy that I brought into his life. My dad 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.520 taught me about joy and the differences between joy and happiness, 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:07.079 and I oftentimes feel very guilty talking about his love 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:11.760 because I I don't have an equal, like bad story 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:13.400 to tell outside of the fact that I grew up 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:16.640 with an artist. My daddy is a drummer. He's a photographer, 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:18.880 so he didn't always have the money. My mom was 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:20.960 a flight attendant. She had a job that came with 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:24.600 a pension and things like that. And although he wasn't 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:26.520 always able to provide for me, and some of those 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:30.080 Christmases were like bags of thrift store clothes, like the 0:09:30.280 --> 0:09:34.160 love that my dad expressed to me and showed me 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:36.840 at times, I tell him that he has given me 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:39.040 so much love that he has made it hard for 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:41.480 the men in my life because I'm like, I have 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:44.040 a standard. I know how I want to be loved, 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:48.079 and I know it's as possible even though my daddy 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:49.880 is a man, So the love that he has for 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:51.920 me as a daughter, I'm sure the women in his 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:58.400 life would be like because I too have had a 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:00.360 father who has been married a couple of times. You know, 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:05.079 he is an artist, a New York artist. Okay, so 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:13.120 he was, but he also is eighty. He's gonna hear 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:14.560 that I say this. He eighty one, but he looked 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:17.360 every day at fifty five, so that you know what 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:20.960 I'm saying, right. But as far as like the arts, 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.640 jazz music, my dad came up with Michael Peters and Debbie. 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:27.120 It's just it's so many things and arts and culture 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.440 and things that my father has brought into my life 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:33.000 that I'm so grateful for, even though we argue almost 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:37.120 every other day. And that's fine too, because he's getting older. 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:40.000 He don't want to hear about my womanly problems, my 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:46.080 physical babe, just talk about anything but that period. But yeah, 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:51.120 it's that it's always interested to talk about Ron Saint 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:54.440 Clair because, like I said, he you know, he was there. 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:56.839 He was there. The money wasn't always there, but Ron 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:00.280 will show up. So oh, I love that, and and 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:03.960 I'm sorry that you that you have to cherry that 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.520 or feel like you can't talk about that, because it's 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:10.600 so needed for us to know that there are men 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:14.440 out there from multiple generations that have shown up for 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:18.560 their families and really like loving on their daughters and 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:21.400 as black women, that we have black women out here 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:25.240 whose fathers were loving them thoroughly and beautifully, you know 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:27.920 what I mean, Like it hurts me that there's energy 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:29.800 where you feel like you have to hold back that 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:32.280 story because girl, I want to hear that story again 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:34.560 and again and again and again and again. That makes me, 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:37.280 That makes me thrilled, you know. But it's hard to 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:39.720 watch your girlfriend women sometimes who don't have that in 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:41.880 their lives, and you see it and you see that 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:45.000 they didn't have like a foundation of that, and that's 0:11:45.120 --> 0:11:48.240 all they needed to not go through that issue that 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:50.959 they went through, you know what I mean, not understand 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:53.360 that that man wasn't good enough for them. So it's 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:55.840 just it's interesting because I know it shouldn't be hard, 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.760 but it's. Yes, it's like, yeah, I grew with some 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:04.280 daddy love and I our guilt. Girl. No, girl, let's 0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:06.800 let's ditch it. Let us let us take all of 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:10.480 your guilt and put it in a ten can and 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:12.720 set it a blaze and let it go up into 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:16.160 the atmosphere. Because I'm gonna tell you something, that story 0:12:16.200 --> 0:12:19.920 we need that story to heal. Yeah, we need to 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:25.360 that's a that's a crown, and yes it's a crown. Yea. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:27.680 I don't know. This man called me. He'd be like, baby, 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:30.120 if I miss your call, it's like missing a season. 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:36.840 Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, okay, okay, So 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:41.760 your father has set the standard for what you require 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:44.679 in this life, for what you're in this life. And 0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:47.880 because of that, now all you have to do, my friend, 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:52.800 is to call it. Call it, but you don't look. 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:57.480 Call for it the specifics of what you want in 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:02.080 your life as a partner. You know what it looks like. Yeah, 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:05.600 be as specific as possible. Call it and don't look 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:10.440 out the window, don't pay the floors, enjoy every moment 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:13.800 of your existence, but know that it is coming. That 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:18.680 is not myth. That's the laws of attraction. That's what says. Yeah, 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:22.160 he's like, that is all you have to do. And 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.960 so many of us, you know, young women, black women particularly, 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:32.160 we didn't see our fathers loving us like that. You know, 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:34.560 we didn't get a chance to watch. You know, if 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:36.679 you had a mother and father together, you didn't get 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:40.480 a chance to see them making out or dancing together, 0:13:40.760 --> 0:13:44.120 or you know, having an argument and fixing it. And 0:13:44.240 --> 0:13:48.200 we're learning with a disadvantage in so many ways. But 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:50.480 I got some odd stuff going on over here. Because 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:53.080 Kareem and Ron are like you know, they check on 0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:55.480 each other. I make sure like they're friends, my family, 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:58.600 my parents. They're the best divorced couple you will ever meet. 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:00.640 He spends the night when I come to visit, like 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:03.040 and that's not a problem. He got a room. You 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:06.520 just stay in Grandmammy room. You know, it's beautiful. It is. 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:09.600 I think that is amazing, like I said, and I 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.000 feel like we need to make sure that there's room 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:15.040 for you to tell this story because this is also 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:17.719 something that for women who do not have this to 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:20.960 I don't want to say live vicariously, but to see 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:24.320 a thing exists, you can also hold some ownership to 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:27.480 it as well. Because there's gonna be a young woman 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:30.400 who's gonna listen to this episode and she's going to 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:32.920 remember that missing a call from me was like missing 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:36.320 a season. She's going to remember that she's going to 0:14:36.320 --> 0:14:39.920 to to store that away as a standard, to store 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:42.400 that away as a standard for not only how love 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:45.000 should feel, but how you should give it. All these 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:48.640 things I mean, honestly, to me, that's everything. I mean, 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:55.400 it's value. It's it's such a value, place such value, 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:59.480 or you are like, oh I love it, so yeah, 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:03.480 it's it's a beautiful thing. I really want to make 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:07.680 sure that we have ample space for Ron Saint Clair 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:12.120 in this in this moment, I want us to go, Lord, 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:16.440 he gonna flip. Lord, he's gonna flip baby, let's say 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:20.560 the name. Shoot yeah, because he don't be sad. I 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:22.880 get overwhelmed by his love and I sometimes I'm like, 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:24.800 I don't know how to even get that back, Daddy, 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:28.240 after you said, what do I just when you tell 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:31.720 me what I brought to your life, receive it, receive it, 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:35.720 Receive it and know that you're worthy of it. Receive 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:39.400 it and know you're worthy of it. We'll be back 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:52.400 after the break. My situation my dad is so complicated 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:57.160 because I mean I was deeply loved, do you know 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:58.960 what I mean? Like, my dad and I had a 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:03.880 very interesting relationship. My stepbrother said this to me one time. 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:05.360 He was like, you know, you know you was Daddy's 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.440 hip And that's set with me for a long time. 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:13.360 Because my situation with my father. He was a complicated guy, 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:17.040 and so there were times in which he was very 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:19.120 absent in my life, and then there were times when 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:22.000 he was very very present in my life. He was 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:25.240 good with the love part, definitely good with the love part, 0:16:25.360 --> 0:16:30.120 not so good with the support part. Wasn't really a 0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:34.720 good husband to my mother nor to his wife prior 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:38.760 to my mother, and wasn't really a present and good 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:43.800 father for my other siblings before I was born. And 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:47.240 so it just became a very complicated thing about my 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:49.320 dad and my relationship with my father because even with 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:52.640 some of my siblings, we just had very different interactions 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:56.080 with him, and so having to reconcile the way is 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.760 that he wasn't able to show up for them just 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:01.360 was really really weird, odd for me. So I guess 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:05.560 I can understand how Lie is her old guilt, which 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:09.080 she no longer is carrying, but her old guilt, you know, 0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:11.439 for having that kind of relationship with her dad that 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:14.760 was so loving, and you having a kind of, you know, 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:19.640 a guilt as well. A complicated situation because your siblings 0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:25.000 didn't receive the kind of love that you absolutely And 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.760 let me tell you something, I got very close with 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:30.800 my sister and it affected my relationship with my father 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.359 because I have like dude, like I can't look at 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:37.280 you the same. I knew that things was odd with 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.159 the two of you, but but it caused me the 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:43.440 second guess and look at him differently. And I always 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.720 say to my and I have another sister, So gosh, 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:54.000 my situation is so black and messy, messy. I don't 0:17:54.040 --> 0:17:55.840 want to I do not want to claim that just 0:17:55.960 --> 0:18:04.760 for black people, because right, So, Okay, my mother has 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:10.320 two children. Okay, my sister and I have different fathers. Okay, 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:14.400 but my mother married my dad, and my dad kind 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:17.800 of adopted my sister. So my sister has two dads. 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:22.240 She's had her biological father and my father. Okay, but 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:26.880 all of that's interesting until you adding to the fact 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:31.240 that my father had three children before I was ever born, 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:35.040 and so he was living in the household with me 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.640 and my sister, who was not his biological child in 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:41.960 many ways, raising her at the time that my parents 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:48.000 were together, when he wasn't involved with his other children's lives. Oh, 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:52.280 so this is it gets very very messy. They don't 0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:59.080 about you, though, No, No, I'm his prize that that 0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:02.320 because you know, I got cousins right now. They don't 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:04.399 like my ass because I grew up in Grandmam house, 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:08.639 like I had something to do with it, like I 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:12.560 chose where I lived, or you know, like they're still 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:19.040 annoyed by my very presence because I listen. I'm sure 0:19:19.119 --> 0:19:23.000 that there were complicated feelings, particularly when I'm very close 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:26.560 to one of my sisters, And I'm sure that I 0:19:26.680 --> 0:19:30.159 know that there were complicated feelings when she was younger. 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:34.000 Obviously you know all of those things. But we're so 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:37.200 close now that is yeah, all of that is whatever 0:19:37.280 --> 0:19:40.159 whatever water the bridge and water under the bridge and 0:19:40.240 --> 0:19:42.760 just so layered and so were all working through our stuff. 0:19:43.560 --> 0:19:45.959 In terms of what I learned from my dad, my 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:51.400 dad has been a person who always made me feel 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:54.600 like I just was the dopest person in the room, 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:58.439 like he just was, Like I never questioned that because 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:01.240 he always feel like I was fun, like I was smart, 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:05.040 He was always listening, you know what I'm saying, And 0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.480 so I always felt like, yeah, like my daddy think 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:11.239 I'm special. Fuck y'all right, you know what I mean. 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:15.000 I just always felt like, Okay, I'm good to go. 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:19.040 But I also learned from my dad that that whole 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:21.800 thing that Mina Angelus says about what you said and 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:24.080 what you did, but people will never forget the way 0:20:24.119 --> 0:20:28.199 you make them feel. I've had to reconcile that my 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:34.919 dad showed up in ways that were not good for 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:38.719 other people, and how they felt was important, and I 0:20:38.800 --> 0:20:41.640 had to learn how to separate that from myself. That's 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:46.040 hard because that's my blood. And so I've had to 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:48.800 reconcile who this person was as my father and what 0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:52.640 does that mean about who I am? And I learned 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:56.160 from my dad that yeah, you can be funny and charming, 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:58.480 and you can be all these different things, but you 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:00.720 got to be aware of how people will feel, and 0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:05.199 you have to show up as the person that you 0:21:05.280 --> 0:21:07.800 say that you are. You just have to do that 0:21:08.280 --> 0:21:12.119 because it affects people for a very very long time. 0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:15.280 You know. It's funny. Care care Gains and I were 0:21:15.320 --> 0:21:19.080 just we're just having this conversation a moment ago, and 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:25.080 we were talking about fame and how challenging it could 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:27.200 be because you know, you know my position. I'm still 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:29.640 like listening. We all people don't put nobody on a pedestal. 0:21:29.640 --> 0:21:32.240 They're gonna fall off just the way it is, because 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:37.000 everybody's people anyway. Um, I was saying that the tough 0:21:37.080 --> 0:21:40.160 part is that you might catch somebody. Somebody might catch 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:43.680 me on a bad day, at a literal bad day. 0:21:44.000 --> 0:21:46.719 You know, something in my family, something in my body, 0:21:46.880 --> 0:21:51.640 something just something that's heavy to me. And I've learned 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:54.879 now to say something like, listen, I'm not in a 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:58.639 good place today. Says I'm just I'm not in a 0:21:58.680 --> 0:22:03.199 good place today. Because you're right, what they remember is 0:22:03.200 --> 0:22:06.520 how they felt. So you know, they walk away with this, well, 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:09.159 she was so nasty, she was mean, she she was 0:22:09.200 --> 0:22:11.960 just that and the other. Instead of that, I'm like, okay, look, 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:13.879 let me just be up front and say what it is. 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:18.440 But you're absolutely right, you know, it's how people make 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:22.879 you feel. And with my dad, I was short. I 0:22:22.960 --> 0:22:24.720 was in school, I was at Temple, and I was 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:28.880 short eight hundred dollars. And I tried to figure out how, 0:22:28.960 --> 0:22:30.760 just because I was trying to get through the semester, 0:22:31.280 --> 0:22:33.159 how I was gonna get this eight hundred dollars. I 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:35.560 don't know. So I called my dad and I said, Dad, 0:22:35.640 --> 0:22:37.840 can I borrow you know, trying to be a big girl, 0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:41.200 can I borrow eight hundred dollars? He said, yes, Jilly, 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:45.200 I'll bring it to you. So he shows up gives 0:22:45.200 --> 0:22:47.639 me the eight hundred dollars. I paid my tuition, and 0:22:47.680 --> 0:22:51.200 I you know, I made it a point to get 0:22:51.240 --> 0:22:53.760 that money, to get that money and put some aside, 0:22:53.880 --> 0:22:55.920 put some aside so that when I gave it back 0:22:55.960 --> 0:23:00.480 to him, it would be the whole eight hundred dollars. Now, 0:23:00.840 --> 0:23:03.080 where by the time I got the whole eight hundred dollars, 0:23:03.119 --> 0:23:07.720 I literally had maybe seventeen dollars to my name. So 0:23:07.920 --> 0:23:10.200 I was like, Okay, my dad is gonna be proud 0:23:10.200 --> 0:23:15.120 of me. He's going to he's going to say, oh, oh, 0:23:15.200 --> 0:23:17.720 thank you, Jilly, and then he's gonna give me it back, 0:23:17.840 --> 0:23:20.199 or he's gonna give me some back, you know, just 0:23:20.240 --> 0:23:23.399 because I did my I did. I did what I 0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:26.800 was supposed to do. And I'm his daughter, right you know. 0:23:27.119 --> 0:23:30.200 You know I'm huffing and puffing through school. Two jobs 0:23:33.160 --> 0:23:36.240 money daddy. Yeah, I thought that he was gonna give 0:23:36.320 --> 0:23:39.280 me at least some of the day he took that 0:23:39.400 --> 0:23:43.560 ship and put it in his pocket, and we continued today, 0:23:43.560 --> 0:23:45.840 and I was like, Okay, at any time he's gonna 0:23:45.880 --> 0:23:51.720 go now and if he's gonna give me something back, 0:23:51.880 --> 0:23:53.679 you know, at least one hundred dollars at least one 0:23:53.760 --> 0:23:57.119 hundred dollars that that man kissed me goodbye and went 0:23:57.160 --> 0:24:02.880 on about his business. I was is a so mad? 0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:07.760 I was so mad? H. I internalized that thing, and 0:24:07.840 --> 0:24:10.240 at that point I was like, I will never in 0:24:10.280 --> 0:24:14.520 my life need a man for money again. You used 0:24:14.520 --> 0:24:16.960 to borrow or how you mad? You used to be 0:24:17.040 --> 0:24:19.760