1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:10,480 Speaker 1: Welcome to J dot Ill, a production of iHeartRadio. What 2 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: up everybody? It's like EA and as you know, Jill 3 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,479 Speaker 1: is on tour, and so it's Asia and Fantine. As 4 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,759 Speaker 1: a matter of fact, everybody celebrating the anniversaries on tours, 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,160 Speaker 1: so make sure you find them in your city, wherever 6 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: you are in the meanwhile, we got a show to do, 7 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 1: so we are all selecting our favorite episodes of jdi 8 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,840 Speaker 1: ill thus far. Shout out to Amber. She did hers 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,520 Speaker 1: last week and now is my turn. Wasn't easy. As 10 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: a matter of fact, I asked Amber, could we do 11 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: a top five? She said no, So now I had 12 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,280 Speaker 1: to hurry up and force myself to pick my favorite. Now, 13 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: my favorite is one that incorporates to fellas. Because you 14 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 1: don't believe it or not, we got a couple of 15 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: not a couple, quite a few episodes of jdi ill 16 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: where we incorporate the fellas not just as guests, but 17 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: also as subject titles. So in this episode we talk 18 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: about our daddies, yep, the religationship between daddy's and daughters. 19 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: It's complicated and best believed between me, Jill and Aga. 20 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: That's what you got. But y'a also got something real 21 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:12,119 Speaker 1: beautiful and kind of funny. Yeah, So take a listen 22 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 1: to Daddy's Love, one of my favorite episodes of jdi IL, 23 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: along with the Fronte episode, the Rory Ward Junior episode, 24 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,800 Speaker 1: The White People Do. Okay, I'm gonna stop because before 25 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: ever catch me doing this, But y'all get what I'm saying. 26 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: Listen to a bunch of episodes of jdi ILL. Thank y'all. Okay, 27 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 1: like it's coming out of her clothes. Girl ain't got 28 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: no windows open, so I'm make no noise outside, so 29 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,560 Speaker 1: I'm like, let me come out. I'm sorry, y'all. Y'all 30 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: gonna get pure sports for our you got to come 31 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: on out. Boot book release release. Oh. I felt that 32 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 1: my sister shoutouts is going through menopause, and it is fair. 33 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: You doin't have to do that. You ain't have to 34 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: do that. I knew. I'm just saying it's fascinating. I shouldn't. 35 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 1: I don't. I don't want it, but I don't want 36 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: to not want it. Yeah. I mean, like watching her 37 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,680 Speaker 1: that that sweat start coming out to something. I'm amazed. 38 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, it's happening right now. It ain't fine 39 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,679 Speaker 1: I don't think it's fine. It's funny either. Yeah. Yeah, 40 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 1: I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a it's 41 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: a reality, right, that's my point. Like, I can't dread 42 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,920 Speaker 1: it either. We're right, We're got to talk to somebody 43 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,839 Speaker 1: on the show about that some one day about how 44 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: to prepare for that, because it's it's kind. But it 45 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,040 Speaker 1: seems like though I ain't even gonna lie to y'all, 46 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,080 Speaker 1: Like the precursor is just like that, the that the 47 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,919 Speaker 1: thing just gets super juicy for about five six, seven 48 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: years right before, so it's like and then you're super 49 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,840 Speaker 1: dry and then it goes super dry. This is this 50 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:45,639 Speaker 1: is what it seemed like. I don't know. I don't 51 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: want to say nothing because I'm experienced it. I buying 52 00:02:48,400 --> 00:03:06,679 Speaker 1: that with you and nothing right now and you fixed you. 53 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 1: Oh hallelujah. Oh yeah, what a good time. Oh that's wonderful. 54 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: This is not appropriate for where we're about to go, 55 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 1: is it. No, it's not appropriate at all. As you 56 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: can tell, we are definitely going to have a conversation 57 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 1: about menopause. I mean we just got to anyway. Today. 58 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 1: Welcome to Jay Dot Elder Podcast. It is me Jill 59 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: Scott and Aja Graydon dancler like Yah Saint clair Man. Yeah, 60 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: we're all here today. We are going to be talking 61 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: about what we learn from our fathers. Oh oh baby, Okay, 62 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,880 Speaker 1: first of all, let's start here. Aga. You got a daddy, Well, 63 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 1: I have a daddy in the spirit. My dad has 64 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 1: passed away. He's been, you know, with the ancestors. Now 65 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 1: for oh girl, it's eight years almost nine actually, but yes, 66 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: that's a yes. That's an affirmative that you grew up 67 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,440 Speaker 1: with the father. Yes, I did, I did, I did. 68 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,279 Speaker 1: I grew up with the father. Layah Oh for show, 69 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,880 Speaker 1: I grew up with a father and for show. He 70 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: has listened to his first episode of jed Ill because 71 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:24,720 Speaker 1: he loved a good compliment. Yes, ma'am, for show and 72 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,960 Speaker 1: for myself. Yes, I grew up with a father as well. 73 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 1: He wasn't in our house. But interestingly enough, my father 74 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:42,680 Speaker 1: was my godfather for many years. What's in the Philly? 75 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what now you in the Philly? Yes, my 76 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: father was my godfather for many many years. I knew 77 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 1: he was my father because I looked just like him 78 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,919 Speaker 1: and I made just like him. It's not even fair, 79 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,919 Speaker 1: and I can't run. I can't run. It's my daddy, 80 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: then what you want? Yeah, but for grown up reasons. 81 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: He was my godfather for how long? From most of 82 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 1: my life till I think I hit about twenty three 83 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: twenty four, and then I was just like, what are 84 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: we doing? Like seriously, like what are we doing? Why? 85 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: Why are we acting like this elephant ain't in this room? Huh? 86 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: Because because he was there. What he was, he was 87 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:27,280 Speaker 1: my godfather, so he was always around. I still want 88 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: to hear that conversation. So you had the conversation in 89 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: your twenties like let's stop playing this game, let's stop 90 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: playing these games. And he was like yeah, okay. And 91 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,040 Speaker 1: I my sister who was my god sister. I was like, 92 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: I'm your biological sister at her wedding in the guard 93 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 1: and she was like yeah okay, and we just moved 94 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 1: on from there. That was pretty much the gist of 95 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,720 Speaker 1: the conversation. And then years later I must have been 96 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 1: about forty maybe forty, and I was like, Daddy, let's 97 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: just take this blood test. My mother, of course, was 98 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: like she you ain't. Guys like, no, blind tis, I'll 99 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 1: tell you I know what I know. Doubt doubt me 100 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,040 Speaker 1: if you walk to I'll show you, and I was like, okay, 101 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:16,159 Speaker 1: let's just let's just do it was nine point nine 102 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:20,720 Speaker 1: nine nine nine nine that I was like, okay, got it, 103 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: got it. Yeah. So our dad's our dads, Yeah, what 104 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,680 Speaker 1: did we learn from our dad's so much? Well, my 105 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: dad was married five times and he picked right the 106 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: last one. But I watched him make financial choices. Um, 107 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,360 Speaker 1: he was like, how much you got? You got seven dollars, 108 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 1: I got seven dollars, we got fourteen dollars, let's go. 109 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,640 Speaker 1: My dad was an orphan, so his thought process was 110 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:58,960 Speaker 1: to build. I don't know if it was necessarily to love. 111 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:07,040 Speaker 1: So he got married four five times and divorced four. Yeah. 112 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 1: So one of the things that I would say that 113 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 1: I learned is that I don't I don't have to 114 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: be unhappy. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't have 115 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 1: to do that. I don't have to you know, I 116 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: understand people who want to stay married forever, but I 117 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 1: ain't gonna be miserable. Yeah, I mean, just because it's 118 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,000 Speaker 1: a vow. Yeah, just I'm not. I mean, it's a 119 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: it's a big deal. Anybody would prefer to get married 120 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: and stay married. I want to have that union and 121 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,840 Speaker 1: that partnership and that friendship and that hopefully passionate lover, 122 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 1: you know, for a lifetime. But you know, I've learned 123 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: that there's a way out. And every time my dad 124 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 1: lost the house, yep, every time, and he'd start all 125 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: over from the beginning, and he would just let them, 126 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 1: you know, take whatever they wanted and he would move on. 127 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: M you know, yeah, I learned that, you know, let 128 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: them take whatever they wanted, and he moved on, and 129 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: he moved on. I'm just saying that what I got 130 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: out of that is one that I don't have to 131 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,640 Speaker 1: stay in a bad situation, and two not to make 132 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: choices about marriage just financially. M Okay, yeah, Okay. It's funny. 133 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 1: I always feel strange talking about my relationship with my 134 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,679 Speaker 1: father because I'm in a I feel like, I don't 135 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 1: know why. I feel like I'm in a small collective 136 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 1: of people who had like just amazing daddy love and 137 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: even in a home that was like divorce. My parents 138 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: got divorced when I was six years old, but me 139 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,319 Speaker 1: and my daddy been best friends since I came out 140 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: the womb. And he sat there and talked to me 141 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 1: about my life and what was going to happen, and 142 00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: the joy that I brought into his life. My dad 143 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: taught me about joy and the differences between joy and happiness, 144 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:07,079 Speaker 1: and I oftentimes feel very guilty talking about his love 145 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: because I I don't have an equal, like bad story 146 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: to tell outside of the fact that I grew up 147 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 1: with an artist. My daddy is a drummer. He's a photographer, 148 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: so he didn't always have the money. My mom was 149 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,960 Speaker 1: a flight attendant. She had a job that came with 150 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: a pension and things like that. And although he wasn't 151 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: always able to provide for me, and some of those 152 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,080 Speaker 1: Christmases were like bags of thrift store clothes, like the 153 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:34,160 Speaker 1: love that my dad expressed to me and showed me 154 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: at times, I tell him that he has given me 155 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,040 Speaker 1: so much love that he has made it hard for 156 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: the men in my life because I'm like, I have 157 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 1: a standard. I know how I want to be loved, 158 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,079 Speaker 1: and I know it's as possible even though my daddy 159 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: is a man, So the love that he has for 160 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: me as a daughter, I'm sure the women in his 161 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: life would be like because I too have had a 162 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 1: father who has been married a couple of times. You know, 163 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,079 Speaker 1: he is an artist, a New York artist. Okay, so 164 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: he was, but he also is eighty. He's gonna hear 165 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: that I say this. He eighty one, but he looked 166 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 1: every day at fifty five, so that you know what 167 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,960 Speaker 1: I'm saying, right. But as far as like the arts, 168 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 1: jazz music, my dad came up with Michael Peters and Debbie. 169 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: It's just it's so many things and arts and culture 170 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,440 Speaker 1: and things that my father has brought into my life 171 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: that I'm so grateful for, even though we argue almost 172 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: every other day. And that's fine too, because he's getting older. 173 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 1: He don't want to hear about my womanly problems, my 174 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:46,080 Speaker 1: physical babe, just talk about anything but that period. But yeah, 175 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: it's that it's always interested to talk about Ron Saint 176 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 1: Clair because, like I said, he you know, he was there. 177 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,839 Speaker 1: He was there. The money wasn't always there, but Ron 178 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 1: will show up. So oh, I love that, and and 179 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you that you have to cherry that 180 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: or feel like you can't talk about that, because it's 181 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 1: so needed for us to know that there are men 182 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: out there from multiple generations that have shown up for 183 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:18,560 Speaker 1: their families and really like loving on their daughters and 184 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: as black women, that we have black women out here 185 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:25,240 Speaker 1: whose fathers were loving them thoroughly and beautifully, you know 186 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 1: what I mean, Like it hurts me that there's energy 187 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,800 Speaker 1: where you feel like you have to hold back that 188 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: story because girl, I want to hear that story again 189 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 1: and again and again and again and again. That makes me, 190 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 1: That makes me thrilled, you know. But it's hard to 191 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: watch your girlfriend women sometimes who don't have that in 192 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: their lives, and you see it and you see that 193 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 1: they didn't have like a foundation of that, and that's 194 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: all they needed to not go through that issue that 195 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,959 Speaker 1: they went through, you know what I mean, not understand 196 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 1: that that man wasn't good enough for them. So it's 197 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,840 Speaker 1: just it's interesting because I know it shouldn't be hard, 198 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: but it's. Yes, it's like, yeah, I grew with some 199 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: daddy love and I our guilt. Girl. No, girl, let's 200 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: let's ditch it. Let us let us take all of 201 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,480 Speaker 1: your guilt and put it in a ten can and 202 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 1: set it a blaze and let it go up into 203 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: the atmosphere. Because I'm gonna tell you something, that story 204 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: we need that story to heal. Yeah, we need to 205 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: that's a that's a crown, and yes it's a crown. Yea. 206 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,680 Speaker 1: I don't know. This man called me. He'd be like, baby, 207 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: if I miss your call, it's like missing a season. 208 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:36,840 Speaker 1: Oh my god, oh my god. Yeah, okay, okay, So 209 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: your father has set the standard for what you require 210 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,679 Speaker 1: in this life, for what you're in this life. And 211 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 1: because of that, now all you have to do, my friend, 212 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: is to call it. Call it, but you don't look. 213 00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: Call for it the specifics of what you want in 214 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:02,080 Speaker 1: your life as a partner. You know what it looks like. Yeah, 215 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: be as specific as possible. Call it and don't look 216 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 1: out the window, don't pay the floors, enjoy every moment 217 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 1: of your existence, but know that it is coming. That 218 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,680 Speaker 1: is not myth. That's the laws of attraction. That's what says. Yeah, 219 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: he's like, that is all you have to do. And 220 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: so many of us, you know, young women, black women particularly, 221 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: we didn't see our fathers loving us like that. You know, 222 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,560 Speaker 1: we didn't get a chance to watch. You know, if 223 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: you had a mother and father together, you didn't get 224 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 1: a chance to see them making out or dancing together, 225 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: or you know, having an argument and fixing it. And 226 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: we're learning with a disadvantage in so many ways. But 227 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: I got some odd stuff going on over here. Because 228 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 1: Kareem and Ron are like you know, they check on 229 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 1: each other. I make sure like they're friends, my family, 230 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 1: my parents. They're the best divorced couple you will ever meet. 231 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: He spends the night when I come to visit, like 232 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: and that's not a problem. He got a room. You 233 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: just stay in Grandmammy room. You know, it's beautiful. It is. 234 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 1: I think that is amazing, like I said, and I 235 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,000 Speaker 1: feel like we need to make sure that there's room 236 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,040 Speaker 1: for you to tell this story because this is also 237 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,719 Speaker 1: something that for women who do not have this to 238 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,960 Speaker 1: I don't want to say live vicariously, but to see 239 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,320 Speaker 1: a thing exists, you can also hold some ownership to 240 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: it as well. Because there's gonna be a young woman 241 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: who's gonna listen to this episode and she's going to 242 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 1: remember that missing a call from me was like missing 243 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: a season. She's going to remember that she's going to 244 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: to to store that away as a standard, to store 245 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,400 Speaker 1: that away as a standard for not only how love 246 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 1: should feel, but how you should give it. All these 247 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 1: things I mean, honestly, to me, that's everything. I mean, 248 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:55,400 Speaker 1: it's value. It's it's such a value, place such value, 249 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 1: or you are like, oh I love it, so yeah, 250 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 1: it's it's a beautiful thing. I really want to make 251 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 1: sure that we have ample space for Ron Saint Clair 252 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: in this in this moment, I want us to go, Lord, 253 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: he gonna flip. Lord, he's gonna flip baby, let's say 254 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 1: the name. Shoot yeah, because he don't be sad. I 255 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: get overwhelmed by his love and I sometimes I'm like, 256 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,800 Speaker 1: I don't know how to even get that back, Daddy, 257 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 1: after you said, what do I just when you tell 258 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 1: me what I brought to your life, receive it, receive it, 259 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,720 Speaker 1: Receive it and know that you're worthy of it. Receive 260 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: it and know you're worthy of it. We'll be back 261 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:52,400 Speaker 1: after the break. My situation my dad is so complicated 262 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: because I mean I was deeply loved, do you know 263 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, my dad and I had a 264 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: very interesting relationship. My stepbrother said this to me one time. 265 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 1: He was like, you know, you know you was Daddy's 266 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: hip And that's set with me for a long time. 267 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: Because my situation with my father. He was a complicated guy, 268 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 1: and so there were times in which he was very 269 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: absent in my life, and then there were times when 270 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 1: he was very very present in my life. He was 271 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,240 Speaker 1: good with the love part, definitely good with the love part, 272 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: not so good with the support part. Wasn't really a 273 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: good husband to my mother nor to his wife prior 274 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: to my mother, and wasn't really a present and good 275 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: father for my other siblings before I was born. And 276 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,240 Speaker 1: so it just became a very complicated thing about my 277 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,320 Speaker 1: dad and my relationship with my father because even with 278 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: some of my siblings, we just had very different interactions 279 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: with him, and so having to reconcile the way is 280 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,760 Speaker 1: that he wasn't able to show up for them just 281 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,360 Speaker 1: was really really weird, odd for me. So I guess 282 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 1: I can understand how Lie is her old guilt, which 283 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 1: she no longer is carrying, but her old guilt, you know, 284 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,439 Speaker 1: for having that kind of relationship with her dad that 285 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: was so loving, and you having a kind of, you know, 286 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,640 Speaker 1: a guilt as well. A complicated situation because your siblings 287 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 1: didn't receive the kind of love that you absolutely And 288 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: let me tell you something, I got very close with 289 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: my sister and it affected my relationship with my father 290 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: because I have like dude, like I can't look at 291 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,280 Speaker 1: you the same. I knew that things was odd with 292 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,159 Speaker 1: the two of you, but but it caused me the 293 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,440 Speaker 1: second guess and look at him differently. And I always 294 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: say to my and I have another sister, So gosh, 295 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:54,000 Speaker 1: my situation is so black and messy, messy. I don't 296 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: want to I do not want to claim that just 297 00:17:55,960 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: for black people, because right, So, Okay, my mother has 298 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: two children. Okay, my sister and I have different fathers. Okay, 299 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,400 Speaker 1: but my mother married my dad, and my dad kind 300 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,800 Speaker 1: of adopted my sister. So my sister has two dads. 301 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: She's had her biological father and my father. Okay, but 302 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,880 Speaker 1: all of that's interesting until you adding to the fact 303 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 1: that my father had three children before I was ever born, 304 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 1: and so he was living in the household with me 305 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,640 Speaker 1: and my sister, who was not his biological child in 306 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: many ways, raising her at the time that my parents 307 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: were together, when he wasn't involved with his other children's lives. Oh, 308 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: so this is it gets very very messy. They don't 309 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: about you, though, No, No, I'm his prize that that 310 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 1: because you know, I got cousins right now. They don't 311 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: like my ass because I grew up in Grandmam house, 312 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: like I had something to do with it, like I 313 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,560 Speaker 1: chose where I lived, or you know, like they're still 314 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:19,040 Speaker 1: annoyed by my very presence because I listen. I'm sure 315 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 1: that there were complicated feelings, particularly when I'm very close 316 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 1: to one of my sisters, And I'm sure that I 317 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,159 Speaker 1: know that there were complicated feelings when she was younger. 318 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: Obviously you know all of those things. But we're so 319 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,200 Speaker 1: close now that is yeah, all of that is whatever 320 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 1: whatever water the bridge and water under the bridge and 321 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 1: just so layered and so were all working through our stuff. 322 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: In terms of what I learned from my dad, my 323 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:51,400 Speaker 1: dad has been a person who always made me feel 324 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 1: like I just was the dopest person in the room, 325 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,439 Speaker 1: like he just was, Like I never questioned that because 326 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 1: he always feel like I was fun, like I was smart, 327 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: He was always listening, you know what I'm saying, And 328 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,480 Speaker 1: so I always felt like, yeah, like my daddy think 329 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,239 Speaker 1: I'm special. Fuck y'all right, you know what I mean. 330 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,000 Speaker 1: I just always felt like, Okay, I'm good to go. 331 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: But I also learned from my dad that that whole 332 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 1: thing that Mina Angelus says about what you said and 333 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,080 Speaker 1: what you did, but people will never forget the way 334 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:28,199 Speaker 1: you make them feel. I've had to reconcile that my 335 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:34,919 Speaker 1: dad showed up in ways that were not good for 336 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,719 Speaker 1: other people, and how they felt was important, and I 337 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,640 Speaker 1: had to learn how to separate that from myself. That's 338 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 1: hard because that's my blood. And so I've had to 339 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 1: reconcile who this person was as my father and what 340 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,640 Speaker 1: does that mean about who I am? And I learned 341 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,160 Speaker 1: from my dad that yeah, you can be funny and charming, 342 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,480 Speaker 1: and you can be all these different things, but you 343 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,720 Speaker 1: got to be aware of how people will feel, and 344 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,199 Speaker 1: you have to show up as the person that you 345 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 1: say that you are. You just have to do that 346 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:12,119 Speaker 1: because it affects people for a very very long time. 347 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: You know. It's funny. Care care Gains and I were 348 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: just we're just having this conversation a moment ago, and 349 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: we were talking about fame and how challenging it could 350 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,200 Speaker 1: be because you know, you know my position. I'm still 351 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,640 Speaker 1: like listening. We all people don't put nobody on a pedestal. 352 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,240 Speaker 1: They're gonna fall off just the way it is, because 353 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: everybody's people anyway. Um, I was saying that the tough 354 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 1: part is that you might catch somebody. Somebody might catch 355 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,680 Speaker 1: me on a bad day, at a literal bad day. 356 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,719 Speaker 1: You know, something in my family, something in my body, 357 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,640 Speaker 1: something just something that's heavy to me. And I've learned 358 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,879 Speaker 1: now to say something like, listen, I'm not in a 359 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 1: good place today. Says I'm just I'm not in a 360 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:03,199 Speaker 1: good place today. Because you're right, what they remember is 361 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: how they felt. So you know, they walk away with this, well, 362 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,159 Speaker 1: she was so nasty, she was mean, she she was 363 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: just that and the other. Instead of that, I'm like, okay, look, 364 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,879 Speaker 1: let me just be up front and say what it is. 365 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,440 Speaker 1: But you're absolutely right, you know, it's how people make 366 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: you feel. And with my dad, I was short. I 367 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 1: was in school, I was at Temple, and I was 368 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,880 Speaker 1: short eight hundred dollars. And I tried to figure out how, 369 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,760 Speaker 1: just because I was trying to get through the semester, 370 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,159 Speaker 1: how I was gonna get this eight hundred dollars. I 371 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,560 Speaker 1: don't know. So I called my dad and I said, Dad, 372 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 1: can I borrow you know, trying to be a big girl, 373 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:41,200 Speaker 1: can I borrow eight hundred dollars? He said, yes, Jilly, 374 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 1: I'll bring it to you. So he shows up gives 375 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 1: me the eight hundred dollars. I paid my tuition, and 376 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,200 Speaker 1: I you know, I made it a point to get 377 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,760 Speaker 1: that money, to get that money and put some aside, 378 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,920 Speaker 1: put some aside so that when I gave it back 379 00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,480 Speaker 1: to him, it would be the whole eight hundred dollars. Now, 380 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: where by the time I got the whole eight hundred dollars, 381 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 1: I literally had maybe seventeen dollars to my name. So 382 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,200 Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, my dad is gonna be proud 383 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:15,120 Speaker 1: of me. He's going to he's going to say, oh, oh, 384 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,720 Speaker 1: thank you, Jilly, and then he's gonna give me it back, 385 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,199 Speaker 1: or he's gonna give me some back, you know, just 386 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,399 Speaker 1: because I did my I did. I did what I 387 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 1: was supposed to do. And I'm his daughter, right you know. 388 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:30,200 Speaker 1: You know I'm huffing and puffing through school. Two jobs 389 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,240 Speaker 1: money daddy. Yeah, I thought that he was gonna give 390 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,280 Speaker 1: me at least some of the day he took that 391 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: ship and put it in his pocket, and we continued today, 392 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, at any time he's gonna 393 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:51,720 Speaker 1: go now and if he's gonna give me something back, 394 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,679 Speaker 1: you know, at least one hundred dollars at least one 395 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,119 Speaker 1: hundred dollars that that man kissed me goodbye and went 396 00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:02,880 Speaker 1: on about his business. I was is a so mad? 397 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 1: I was so mad? H. I internalized that thing, and 398 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: at that point I was like, I will never in 399 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:14,520 Speaker 1: my life need a man for money again. You used 400 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,960 Speaker 1: to borrow or how you mad? You used to be 401 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 1: word you used to be worth the L word, which 402 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: was loan? Don't you should I have? If only you 403 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:28,360 Speaker 1: should have? I played myself. I played myself, but it 404 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: did give me a valuable lesson. I decided I would 405 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 1: never in my life again have to borrow or get 406 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: a loan from a man again in my life somebody 407 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 1: like somebody that's in my life like a boyfriend. So yeah, yeah, 408 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 1: you know, while other people are looking at you know, 409 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,639 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to date a successful actor or a successful 410 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,879 Speaker 1: singer or a successful something, I do not think about 411 00:24:54,920 --> 00:25:00,800 Speaker 1: money at all because from him I from me right 412 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,879 Speaker 1: and now with the state of pre nups and agree, 413 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:12,720 Speaker 1: we ain't gonna take nothing from me, even motherfucker get 414 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 1: out of here with the mike. Ain't never had no money, girl, 415 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,160 Speaker 1: So that's whatever. I wasn't never gonna borrow ship from 416 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,880 Speaker 1: my dad. But like I said, my dad was big fun. 417 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,040 Speaker 1: Now this is one thing and I and then I 418 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: was sitting here thinking, I was like, oh shoot, I 419 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: didn't think of this new enough. As a parent. I'm 420 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:33,560 Speaker 1: fun and I got that from my parents. Both my 421 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: parents were being fun people to be around. But my 422 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:40,919 Speaker 1: dad was big fun. Yes, oh girl, yes, Like my 423 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,880 Speaker 1: dad would take me ice skating, but he couldn't really 424 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,840 Speaker 1: do it that well. But he would skate top speed, 425 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:53,679 Speaker 1: girl to speed. And he had this brown coat and 426 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,920 Speaker 1: he would fall on the ice and all the white 427 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,919 Speaker 1: from the from the ice would get all over his car. 428 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,480 Speaker 1: And it was just embarrassing to me, Like we didn't care. 429 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,879 Speaker 1: When when it was snow. He would break open the 430 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,359 Speaker 1: um cardboard box because we didn't have no money so 431 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: we had no carboar a cardboard box. He break up 432 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:19,400 Speaker 1: in the cardboard box. Girl, you would think he's doing 433 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: this for us. No, no, ma'am. She's going down the 434 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:27,040 Speaker 1: hill first, head first, running start. I didn't start, you 435 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,159 Speaker 1: Know's what I'm saying. Asian, did y'all ever do the 436 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 1: paddle boating on the base and you and your dad yo, 437 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,600 Speaker 1: Me and my daddy had all the time paddle boat 438 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,920 Speaker 1: y'all listen, I mean just fun, just goofy, goofy, goofy, 439 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,399 Speaker 1: and fun sing was sing with me, dance with me, 440 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 1: all those different things, very very because mamma was straight 441 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,760 Speaker 1: and Daddy was the fun one, right, Dad was a 442 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 1: fun one. But in my household, honestly, I won't even lie, 443 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,720 Speaker 1: my mother was really fun too. God let me go on, Asian, 444 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,480 Speaker 1: hold on, hold on, because she might be growing. Let 445 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,359 Speaker 1: me just say this, mommy, I didn't mean that you 446 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:02,280 Speaker 1: were straight. I just saying you was more strict and 447 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 1: I had so much fun. And thank you for taking 448 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:12,040 Speaker 1: me around the world. Yes, face the thing though about 449 00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: that for me again, it's just like I said, complicated 450 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: my dad. God made it hard for me when I 451 00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: became an adult and I had to have boundaries with 452 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,600 Speaker 1: my father because I was in love with him. You 453 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 1: understand why I'm saying boundaries because he was messy, he 454 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,640 Speaker 1: was a drug addict, He was a liar sometimes. And 455 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 1: you know you talk about borrowing money, my dad would 456 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,600 Speaker 1: borrow money from me. My dad would borrow money from 457 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,240 Speaker 1: other people. Like I'm saying all this to say, and 458 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: you know me, God rest his soul, But I gotta 459 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,320 Speaker 1: be honest about who he was. And it was hard 460 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:53,159 Speaker 1: for me because right, you know, and when I got older, 461 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:55,560 Speaker 1: I felt like I'm mature. I'm not a baby anymore, 462 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: so not to deal with you like an adult. I 463 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:01,960 Speaker 1: can't just let you get away with it because you're 464 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: my daddy, and because I love you and he laugh, 465 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,360 Speaker 1: and because you're cute, because you're handsome, and everybody think 466 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,719 Speaker 1: you're handsome and they say I look like you, so 467 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 1: I must I must be handsome, you know, and you know, 468 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: and all of the ways that I was so attached 469 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: to him, and it was painful because it was like 470 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,480 Speaker 1: the daddy that I love, I gotta let him die 471 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,639 Speaker 1: to deal with the reality of the dad that the 472 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 1: people don't love and that he is. And so that 473 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: began my adult relationship with my father, which was so 474 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 1: off off on, so much so that two years before 475 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,720 Speaker 1: my dad passed away for two years I didn't speak 476 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: to him. I had an unfortunate incident with him involving 477 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,040 Speaker 1: my older sister, and I just decided that I was 478 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,720 Speaker 1: no longer going to be communicating with him anymore. And 479 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 1: my husband warned me against this. He said, listen, I 480 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 1: have a complicated thing too. I gotta complicated daddy's story too. 481 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:10,520 Speaker 1: He was like, but you care about that relationship, and 482 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 1: now you in here lying to yourself about how much 483 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,400 Speaker 1: you care about it. And he was like, if something 484 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: happens to your dad, you're gonna be devastated. And I 485 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:25,840 Speaker 1: was like, no, I'm right, I'm correct, and I was correct. 486 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: This is where it gets tough with parents. I was 487 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 1: right about what I was upset about, but how I 488 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:38,640 Speaker 1: chose to handle it, it isolated our relationship worse than 489 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,320 Speaker 1: it had ever been my whole life. I'd never gone 490 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:46,840 Speaker 1: my birthday not talking to my dad. I'd never gone 491 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 1: holiday seasons and thinks without speaking to my father. And 492 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:54,760 Speaker 1: I didn't talk to him for two years straight. And 493 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:59,080 Speaker 1: I gotta call literally right after my birthday. We had 494 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:04,400 Speaker 1: not spoken. This was the third cycle of birthday going 495 00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,760 Speaker 1: through the unspell. Got a call and it was like 496 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: he'd been diagnosed with cancer. And I drove down to 497 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:16,680 Speaker 1: see him, and oddly enough, my mother was with me. 498 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: My mother was in Philly at the time, and she 499 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 1: drove with me and we went down there. And I 500 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 1: hadn't laid eyes on my father in two and a 501 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: half years, and so when I went down there. I 502 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: walked into the room and he was in bed and 503 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 1: he looked sick, and I walked in there and the 504 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:35,800 Speaker 1: two of us just cried, probably for about the first 505 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:39,000 Speaker 1: thirty minutes that I was there, and I just laid 506 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,280 Speaker 1: in the bed with him and we just cried and 507 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,280 Speaker 1: cried and cried. I don't say nothing else to each other. 508 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: We just cried. And it was a pain of the mistakes. 509 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 1: It was the pain of the non consistent nature of 510 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,240 Speaker 1: who he was in my life. It was all the 511 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: unsaid things, all of the stuff, and we just cried 512 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 1: that shit out. And then eight months later he died. 513 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,920 Speaker 1: And I'm grateful that I had that eight months because 514 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 1: it was pancreatic cancer and that can be really, really aggressive. 515 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,320 Speaker 1: So I'm grateful for the eight months. In that eight months, 516 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,400 Speaker 1: I feel like I made as much closure as I 517 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 1: could have, and I was okay, and I was with 518 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,600 Speaker 1: him the day that he passed, you know. So I'm 519 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:26,520 Speaker 1: grateful to have had that moment. But I always think 520 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 1: about my dad, my relationship with him, and I'm still 521 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 1: learning things about that relationship. And what I learned from 522 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 1: that whole journey was that a person is a lot 523 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,280 Speaker 1: of things, and now we just a lot of things. 524 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: A person is a lot of things. You cannot compartmentalize 525 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 1: a human being. You know. We've been talking about this 526 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 1: when we talked about our mothers, you know, and and 527 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:51,920 Speaker 1: humanizing our mothers when we had that conversation. You know, 528 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: it's the same thing with our fathers. Yeah, my dad's 529 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: is a kind of guy who would who would yell 530 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:00,640 Speaker 1: hey baby out the window, and then he would turn 531 00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,080 Speaker 1: to me and say, oh, that's your cousin. And I 532 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 1: realized that not every woman. It took me a long time, 533 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,160 Speaker 1: but it took me, you know, to realize that not 534 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,120 Speaker 1: every woman that he was yelling, hey baby was family. 535 00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:20,280 Speaker 1: You know, we're gonna take a quick break and then 536 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:33,400 Speaker 1: we'll be right back. He was, I say, was, And 537 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 1: it's not fair. But my dad has dementia and he's 538 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: at the state where the majority of the time he sleeps, 539 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:52,800 Speaker 1: you know. Um he I had a moment. Fucked me up, 540 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,680 Speaker 1: and they fucked me up, no other words for it. 541 00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,640 Speaker 1: I went to go see him, and my dad flirted 542 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:07,600 Speaker 1: with me. He thought I was my mom and patted 543 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:14,240 Speaker 1: my ass. Shit. No, I left out of there with 544 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 1: this strange sound in my spirit. It was a strange sound, 545 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do. But but just 546 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,800 Speaker 1: like bees, weirded out and crying, and I had to, 547 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,000 Speaker 1: you know, realize, my dad doesn't he don't know who 548 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:33,600 Speaker 1: I am. Yeah, he has no idea whatsoever. If he 549 00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:38,880 Speaker 1: don't see you every day, he really really ain't gonna yeah, 550 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:43,360 Speaker 1: you know, And that was hard. And then before he 551 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:45,560 Speaker 1: had to go to a home. My dad as an 552 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:51,800 Speaker 1: ex police officer, retired police officer, and he had gotten 553 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,360 Speaker 1: to a point where he couldn't stay at home anymore 554 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:58,920 Speaker 1: because sometimes he didn't know who his wife was. Yeah, 555 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,920 Speaker 1: and if she went room and startled him, you know, 556 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 1: he very well could hurt her or you know, worse. 557 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:10,560 Speaker 1: So he was put into a home and it's just, honestly, 558 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:16,320 Speaker 1: it's just been downhill from there. The before that though, 559 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:19,560 Speaker 1: this was the one that got me too. He had 560 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:24,440 Speaker 1: been diagnosed. I could tell because he had visited me 561 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:29,920 Speaker 1: in California for famis. That's our Christmas time he visited 562 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,760 Speaker 1: for famists and he was driving and it was so reckless. 563 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 1: It was so scary that when I got back to 564 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,280 Speaker 1: my family, I was like, Daddy can never drive again, 565 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:45,000 Speaker 1: Like he could never drive again, and I knew it 566 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:47,840 Speaker 1: was you know, it was progressing. The dementia was progressing. 567 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:51,120 Speaker 1: The next day, they were leaving, my sister and my 568 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 1: brother in law and my nephews were leaving and I 569 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,439 Speaker 1: was standing next to my dad and he pushed me. 570 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,399 Speaker 1: He pushed me like a stranger. He pushed me out 571 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:07,160 Speaker 1: of the way to hug my sister. Go about oh 572 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,120 Speaker 1: hard though, like real hard, like I almost get the 573 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 1: fuck out the way. Yeah, it was that. And there 574 00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,120 Speaker 1: again I was just like, Okay, he doesn't know who. 575 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,040 Speaker 1: You know, he didn't know you at that moment, you know, 576 00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:26,000 Speaker 1: at that one moment he didn't know And I, oh, 577 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,120 Speaker 1: I was. I went through the whole thing, like that's 578 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:34,239 Speaker 1: how he really feels about me. I know, but I did, 579 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,440 Speaker 1: but as dementia, but I did. I did. I went 580 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: through the whole thing, and I was like, that's how 581 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:42,239 Speaker 1: my dad really feels about me. You know, it's like 582 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,279 Speaker 1: when somebody's drunk. But that ain't it, ain't it? You know, 583 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: truth say you know what. I definitely did that And 584 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,920 Speaker 1: that was a lot. So, you know, him pushing me 585 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,480 Speaker 1: was one thing, and then him going into the home 586 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:00,359 Speaker 1: and flirting that was something else. Like it was like 587 00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:05,680 Speaker 1: tearing the relationship that I had, you know, with my 588 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 1: father apart. Just dementia just was destroying it. Yeah, so 589 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 1: it made it really challenging for me to go and visit, 590 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,799 Speaker 1: very hard. And you know, I have to say that 591 00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:24,319 Speaker 1: the staff where he was, they didn't help much, you know, 592 00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:27,239 Speaker 1: because I'm really there to visit my father, and they 593 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 1: will come in on our meetings and you know, I 594 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 1: want to talk about something, you know that I really 595 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,600 Speaker 1: I don't even have the headspace. I'm looking at my 596 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 1: father who can't say words anymore. I'm looking at my 597 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 1: dad who just groans, you know. And you know that 598 00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 1: was that was another challenging portion. But the last time 599 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:53,239 Speaker 1: I went to visit him, there was nobody yet that 600 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: I knew in there. Yeah he was he was, he 601 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:04,719 Speaker 1: was gone. He's gone. So you're working on cherishing what 602 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,719 Speaker 1: you knew, the man that you knew. How do you 603 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:13,120 Speaker 1: take care of yourself in that way? And I just, oh, 604 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 1: I grieve him, Yeah, yeah, I grieve him, even though 605 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,560 Speaker 1: his body is still alive. And you know, I just 606 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 1: grieve him. And my stepmother, you know, God bless her. 607 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:31,240 Speaker 1: She definitely, you know, makes it a point to always 608 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,520 Speaker 1: visit and to you know, to talk about him, and 609 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,439 Speaker 1: you know, she goes there and before COVID and she's 610 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 1: watching a football game. She put a hat on him, 611 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,280 Speaker 1: you know, Eagles hand and stuff. And after a while 612 00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:47,120 Speaker 1: I had to ask her to please stop, just stop 613 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,560 Speaker 1: sending me pictures because he don't ain't in there, He 614 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,920 Speaker 1: doesn't look like he's in there. He doesn't seem aware 615 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,839 Speaker 1: of his surroundings or what he's doing in any way, 616 00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:01,880 Speaker 1: shape or form. It was just painful. She's she's dealing 617 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,839 Speaker 1: with it, but I'm asking her not to make me 618 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,959 Speaker 1: deal with are dealing with it, because I can't take 619 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,040 Speaker 1: it right. I can't take it. I find it, you know. 620 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:14,000 Speaker 1: But you know, it's like when people put clothes on dogs. 621 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:19,520 Speaker 1: You know that dog don't want that. Damn the boots on, 622 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:25,919 Speaker 1: you know, like that's just the only thing I could 623 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,920 Speaker 1: think of it, the boament. But just just yeah, I 624 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,279 Speaker 1: understand what you mean. So the last time that I went, 625 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:35,560 Speaker 1: and I know that it's the last time that I'm going, 626 00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,560 Speaker 1: but I send representatives just to see, you know, how 627 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,440 Speaker 1: he is and how his room smells and all of 628 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:47,400 Speaker 1: those things. And the last time that I went, and 629 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:50,759 Speaker 1: he just was not in there and at all. I 630 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:53,799 Speaker 1: rubbed his hand and I smelled him. I used to 631 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,239 Speaker 1: I love the hair on his hand and on his 632 00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 1: on his arm. I love that hair. I could just 633 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,000 Speaker 1: rub it and rub it. And I rubbed the hair 634 00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,400 Speaker 1: and I talked to him and I told him, you know, 635 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,680 Speaker 1: all the places that I forgive him, you know, and 636 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,399 Speaker 1: that I hope that he would forgive me too. And 637 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: you know, I let jet see me more in my father, 638 00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:18,520 Speaker 1: in front of my father, because because he's my son 639 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,960 Speaker 1: and that's his grandfather, and I needed him to know 640 00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:26,640 Speaker 1: that I love my dad. I needed him to know that, 641 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:30,120 Speaker 1: you know, even though you know, he's not himself anymore, 642 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:37,120 Speaker 1: and he's in this place that he needs because it's 643 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,960 Speaker 1: he's heavy, like you know, just trying to take it. 644 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: It's a lot, and he needs twenty four hour care, 645 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:49,239 Speaker 1: you know, and consideration. So I cry real hard, and 646 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:53,400 Speaker 1: I mean, whoa, Okay, the whole game and all the snots, 647 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,880 Speaker 1: all the tears, all of it. I kissed my father 648 00:39:55,960 --> 00:40:03,879 Speaker 1: all over and I asked him to you know, relinquish, yeah, 649 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:09,319 Speaker 1: to to let go, because the only thing is it's 650 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:15,560 Speaker 1: his body, you know, just just go. So as selfish 651 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:19,319 Speaker 1: as that may seem to some people. I actually it wasn't. 652 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,279 Speaker 1: I was really as you were talking to Jail, I 653 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:23,799 Speaker 1: was like, damn, he's still here. So in a way, 654 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,080 Speaker 1: I guess you feel like you can't even speak to 655 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:29,759 Speaker 1: his spirit because he's still here. But when he's when 656 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,239 Speaker 1: he's not here, you will have his spirit, you'll have 657 00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:35,359 Speaker 1: access to it, and then you just feel so I'm 658 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:37,399 Speaker 1: just say it did not. It's a it's a it's 659 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:41,040 Speaker 1: a limbo kind of feeling. Yes, yeah, yeah, it's like 660 00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:46,319 Speaker 1: I feel so sorry, Like I feel like he's trapped, right, Yeah, yeah, 661 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 1: he's just trapped. It makes perfect sense. Oh boy, I 662 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,239 Speaker 1: mean it makes sense when when the week that my 663 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:57,239 Speaker 1: father transition, let me let me just say this last 664 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:03,279 Speaker 1: thank you age. I walked out of there with Jet 665 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,880 Speaker 1: and I cried some more, and a white butterfly landed 666 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:12,440 Speaker 1: on me and stayed for a while and flew away, 667 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:18,520 Speaker 1: and I laughed. I was like, okay, daddy, okay, like 668 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:27,480 Speaker 1: you know, just you know, those moments matter, those moments mattered, 669 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 1: and that the fact that the butterfly landed on me 670 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,719 Speaker 1: and stayed. I was like, thank you, dad, you know 671 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,840 Speaker 1: that we I just felt like we've made our piece, 672 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:41,359 Speaker 1: you know, whatever piece that we needed because, like I said, 673 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:43,560 Speaker 1: I was his god daughter for a long time, and 674 00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:47,920 Speaker 1: he rode with that. I know that I wouldn't you 675 00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:49,879 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't ride 676 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,960 Speaker 1: with that. There's no way that I wouldn't be like, 677 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:57,080 Speaker 1: wait a minute, hold up, this is my baby, you know, 678 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,560 Speaker 1: So that whole not being clean thing, despite when anybody 679 00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: else is trying to say, um, fuck with me, did 680 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,200 Speaker 1: you have that conversation with him? Ever? Yes, yes we did. 681 00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:11,520 Speaker 1: We had that conversation. We had to And why say 682 00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:14,799 Speaker 1: that he did the thing that you you know you 683 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:19,600 Speaker 1: would have never dined. Well, it's a tough situation because 684 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,640 Speaker 1: this is my mother's story, that's right. So I just okay, 685 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,920 Speaker 1: never mind, sorry, miss Joy, And I'm not trying to 686 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:26,440 Speaker 1: get you into the trouble I've been in. So I'm 687 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:31,440 Speaker 1: just it's her story to tell it is. But nonetheless, 688 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:35,799 Speaker 1: they had an understanding, in an agreement they proceeded in 689 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:40,560 Speaker 1: life with that. He was not privy to that understanding 690 00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:44,960 Speaker 1: and agreement. All I knew is that my sister, you know, 691 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,400 Speaker 1: was getting all of the daddy and I was getting 692 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:54,839 Speaker 1: guyfather vibes, you know, shout out to the guyfathers. Nonetheless, 693 00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:59,759 Speaker 1: you know, so that that was a that was a thing. 694 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:03,040 Speaker 1: And I'm still you see me, I'm still over here 695 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:08,200 Speaker 1: clutching my pearls because you know, he's still he's trapped 696 00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:12,319 Speaker 1: in there. I just feel like he's checked or is 697 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:17,160 Speaker 1: he You saw the butterfly the body, Yeah, you know, 698 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:21,880 Speaker 1: maybe he's only you know what I mean. We can't 699 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:25,400 Speaker 1: pretend to know the spear, can't. We can't. We don't 700 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,080 Speaker 1: know it. We don't know it, you know what I'm saying. 701 00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:30,959 Speaker 1: We can only put our intentions out there. And you did. 702 00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:33,680 Speaker 1: You did you put your intentions out there and the 703 00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,320 Speaker 1: spirit communicated with you in the ways that was familiar 704 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:41,920 Speaker 1: to you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean when I talk to 705 00:43:41,960 --> 00:43:44,839 Speaker 1: guys y'all, at this point, I'm like, listen, you know me, 706 00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:47,680 Speaker 1: make a real plain, make a real plain and simple 707 00:43:47,719 --> 00:43:50,600 Speaker 1: for me, because you know, when it's too convoluted, I 708 00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: go into myself and I start thinking my own thoughts 709 00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:57,319 Speaker 1: and things. Just make it real, real simple, you know, 710 00:43:57,640 --> 00:44:00,680 Speaker 1: please for me, Thank you kindly. Yeah. And I felt 711 00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:04,480 Speaker 1: like that was confirmation for me. That's what I needed. 712 00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:10,680 Speaker 1: That my dad said, okay, baby, more conversation after this break. 713 00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:24,239 Speaker 1: I think of these men and what they know of 714 00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:29,000 Speaker 1: a love and parenting and as black men from a 715 00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:34,880 Speaker 1: certain age group and a time period. And not saying 716 00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:38,600 Speaker 1: that this is not to excuse anything that was done 717 00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:44,560 Speaker 1: to anyone, right, but just how much of these things 718 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:47,280 Speaker 1: are they really capable of, you know, just in terms 719 00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:50,520 Speaker 1: of just all of the all the things that they 720 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:53,400 Speaker 1: have to grapple with and what they just didn't understand 721 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:56,200 Speaker 1: and know you were talking about talking to Kiera earlier, 722 00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:58,600 Speaker 1: and he's such a part of a newer generation of 723 00:44:58,640 --> 00:45:04,040 Speaker 1: black fathers, husband and husbands and fathers, but particularly fathers 724 00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:06,239 Speaker 1: because and he has a little girl, which is you 725 00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:10,040 Speaker 1: know right, And it's like, you know, they have, oh 726 00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:14,800 Speaker 1: a skill set in a language, a vocabulary and emotional vocabulary, 727 00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:20,959 Speaker 1: a life vocabulary that is different than what our days. 728 00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:26,440 Speaker 1: It's no, they have it, and they wouldn't have it 729 00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:30,400 Speaker 1: if not for what our dads went through too. And 730 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,400 Speaker 1: that's the thing. So I remember when during my dad's 731 00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,080 Speaker 1: eight months, we talked about a lot of things and 732 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:38,440 Speaker 1: he told me something that he had never told me before. 733 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,239 Speaker 1: He said, I worried if my daughters would find good 734 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:46,200 Speaker 1: men ship. He said, I wondered. I worried if they would. 735 00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:50,680 Speaker 1: He said, Fatine has mastered something that I never could. 736 00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:56,480 Speaker 1: He said, he understands how to hustle with his family 737 00:45:56,520 --> 00:46:01,040 Speaker 1: and toe. That's beautiful. He said, I didn't know how 738 00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:05,239 Speaker 1: to do both. I would have bawled. And he said 739 00:46:05,239 --> 00:46:09,640 Speaker 1: that I'm so grateful that you found someone that understood 740 00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:11,640 Speaker 1: the things that I wasn't able to teach you about, 741 00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:14,040 Speaker 1: but he didn't have the resources to do it. Also, like, 742 00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:15,600 Speaker 1: and I'm saying that he did a lot, but he 743 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:19,640 Speaker 1: did didn't have any It's just so different, different times. 744 00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,520 Speaker 1: It's just so interesting. So of course, yes, you're right. 745 00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:26,319 Speaker 1: And as I've pulled back the layers, and also too, 746 00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,319 Speaker 1: as I've learned more about history in general, it helped 747 00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:32,040 Speaker 1: me put my own father into contexts. You know, we 748 00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:36,359 Speaker 1: know that our dads went to war, right, nod went 749 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:43,040 Speaker 1: to war? Yea, that is true? Romatic. Yeah, I'm so glad, Yes, 750 00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:46,520 Speaker 1: because you're right, right, my dad went from an orphanage 751 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:50,319 Speaker 1: to war. Baby, My dad's my dad's father. His own 752 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,759 Speaker 1: father passed when he was three, so you have a 753 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:56,239 Speaker 1: situation where he went to war. My father also went 754 00:46:56,400 --> 00:47:00,520 Speaker 1: to prison man. Can I tell you my father little war, 755 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:04,279 Speaker 1: but his experiences in the army were so traumatic that 756 00:47:04,360 --> 00:47:06,880 Speaker 1: he was good on it, like the things that I 757 00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:11,600 Speaker 1: saw brown men, I'm good on it. Yeah, So you know, 758 00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:14,440 Speaker 1: And I think about these men and the kind of 759 00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:17,799 Speaker 1: emotional I don't know, Wheelhouse, whatever we expect from them, 760 00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:22,120 Speaker 1: what the man say, we're with him? Where with the roll? 761 00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:28,239 Speaker 1: Where with the roll that we needed from them? But 762 00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:30,960 Speaker 1: that how can we really truly expect for them to 763 00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,160 Speaker 1: have delivered it? I don't know where my dad got 764 00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:35,160 Speaker 1: it from being born in nineteen thirty nine and then 765 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:38,759 Speaker 1: the youngest of nine, I do not know. I don't know. 766 00:47:39,239 --> 00:47:41,960 Speaker 1: I don't know where he got his love from. That's 767 00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,800 Speaker 1: why I know he's a what you call that unicorn 768 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:47,799 Speaker 1: in a way. So girl, and you know what, and 769 00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,120 Speaker 1: I hope that you're able to get a good deal 770 00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:54,439 Speaker 1: of his story so as you. I'm not old, Asia, 771 00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:56,400 Speaker 1: I'm working on receiving better in that way and not 772 00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:58,040 Speaker 1: being a daughter and just going yeah yah, yeah, I 773 00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:00,640 Speaker 1: heard that story already. I think we got to be 774 00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:05,160 Speaker 1: and it's bad ter you know, if you recorded, you 775 00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,160 Speaker 1: know what I mean, Just put your little phone down 776 00:48:07,239 --> 00:48:09,280 Speaker 1: and listen. To you if I to talk about stuff, 777 00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:12,400 Speaker 1: even though he said it a thousand times, because those stories, 778 00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:17,880 Speaker 1: my dad, those stories, yeah, oh jelly, I was. I 779 00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:22,480 Speaker 1: was in Kawai and they wanted me to sing a song. 780 00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:25,319 Speaker 1: And I've got this great picture of my father, all 781 00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:28,960 Speaker 1: young and his little in his little uh what I 782 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:32,520 Speaker 1: was about to say, costume uniform. He had one song, 783 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:35,640 Speaker 1: one song only, and he would sing it all night long. 784 00:48:36,200 --> 00:48:42,000 Speaker 1: I got a gal name Boni. As I say, go back, 785 00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:47,080 Speaker 1: I rode it all the time. And they, he said, 786 00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:49,879 Speaker 1: every time, they would chair and celebrate. So I say 787 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:53,600 Speaker 1: it again. He said. I entertained everybody all night long, 788 00:48:53,640 --> 00:49:00,000 Speaker 1: and they would say good. I don't know. They might 789 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,920 Speaker 1: have just been bored. I've heard. I'm gonna listen to 790 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:05,839 Speaker 1: my daddy tell me this story one more time about 791 00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,520 Speaker 1: his Mamma yn't get him off the stage because the 792 00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:10,880 Speaker 1: kids were singing jumped down turn around Thingabella cotton um 793 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:16,279 Speaker 1: jumped down turnaround Thingabella. Hey, oh, my son, that's not 794 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:19,040 Speaker 1: my son. My son ain't about to do that that gee, 795 00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:22,680 Speaker 1: Grandma said, not my son, cool, get you, grandma, come home. 796 00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:27,759 Speaker 1: My dad loved jazz. He was addicted to jazz, and 797 00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:30,840 Speaker 1: my father is famous for he's a DC native sort 798 00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:34,359 Speaker 1: of that is famous for having said that he much 799 00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:38,480 Speaker 1: prefers King Pleasure's version of There I Go, There I Go. 800 00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:44,239 Speaker 1: No he he must yeah, yeah, yeah, he much. He 801 00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:47,399 Speaker 1: much prefers King Pleasure's version of Moody's Moved for Love. 802 00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:52,719 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, listen, I'm sorry DC people. Y'all gonna be 803 00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:55,120 Speaker 1: mad at my daddy, but don't be mad at him. 804 00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:58,680 Speaker 1: Should compare compare my dad saying, well, he was a 805 00:49:58,719 --> 00:50:01,520 Speaker 1: big jazz head, but my dad sang that song to 806 00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:07,880 Speaker 1: us as kids, so much pleasure, pleasure, that's the original 807 00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:14,160 Speaker 1: James Mooney, James Pleasure. Is that there? Yes, James with pleasure. 808 00:50:14,239 --> 00:50:20,520 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Jio, that's the one right there. Yes, come 809 00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:22,560 Speaker 1: on playing Jill please? Oh doesn't me my daddy song? 810 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:27,280 Speaker 1: Too real? Baby, you are the soul who snaps my control. 811 00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:32,040 Speaker 1: Such a funny thing. But every time you hear me, 812 00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:39,480 Speaker 1: I never and I wrapped up in your magic. There's 813 00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:43,560 Speaker 1: music all around me, great music music that you're calling 814 00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:48,040 Speaker 1: me so very close to you, churne me your slave, 815 00:50:51,120 --> 00:50:52,759 Speaker 1: come into with me and they little thing you want 816 00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:55,520 Speaker 1: to anything, Baby, Just let me get next to you. 817 00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:05,680 Speaker 1: Am high insane. Heaven in your eyes right it stars 818 00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:12,080 Speaker 1: that shine up skies? How worry about you? Just getting 819 00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:20,320 Speaker 1: in my life without you? Baby? Don't wonderful? Come on, ladies, 820 00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:27,120 Speaker 1: I'm really feeling in the move for love. Oh, ladies 821 00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:33,359 Speaker 1: and gentlemen, Thank you so much for listening. Saith dot 822 00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:40,839 Speaker 1: Elder Podcast Shout out to the fathers. Thank you, Ron 823 00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:45,200 Speaker 1: Saint Clair, Thank you, Ron Saint Clair, Thank you, Will German, 824 00:51:45,640 --> 00:52:03,320 Speaker 1: Thank you, Richard Burris Graden. Hi. If you have comments 825 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,839 Speaker 1: on something we said in this episode, call eight six six. 826 00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:10,319 Speaker 1: Hey Jill, if you want to add to this conversation, 827 00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:14,319 Speaker 1: that's eight six six four three nine five four five five. 828 00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:17,120 Speaker 1: Don't forget to tell us your name and the episode 829 00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:20,600 Speaker 1: you're referring to. You might just hear your message on 830 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:24,520 Speaker 1: a future episode. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott 831 00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:28,840 Speaker 1: Presents Jay dot il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted 832 00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:32,640 Speaker 1: by Jill Scott, Laia Saint Clair, and Aga Graden Danceler. 833 00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:37,040 Speaker 1: It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Sean Gee, and Brian Calhoun. 834 00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:41,200 Speaker 1: It's produced by la Saint Clair and me Eve Jeff Cope. 835 00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:43,960 Speaker 1: The editing and sound design for this episode, We're done 836 00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:52,359 Speaker 1: by Christina Lawnger. Guys, can you hear this? Windows open? 837 00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:56,400 Speaker 1: It's a little bit, a little It's not gonna make 838 00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:57,960 Speaker 1: you hot, though, because you know I don't want you 839 00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:00,719 Speaker 1: to start. You know, I don't have these problems right now. 840 00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:04,680 Speaker 1: I'm just warm because it's warm. Sure, sure, sure, sure sure. 841 00:53:11,360 --> 00:53:15,560 Speaker 1: J dot Ill is a production of iHeartRadio. For more 842 00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:21,640 Speaker 1: podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 843 00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:24,200 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.