Speaker 1: Okay, come on, let's talk about things about me.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about all those things that's advisory.
Speaker 3: Welcome mom, Welcome back to Frindal Advisory, Good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 2: I'm Erica and I'm Jamila. How is your week? I
Speaker 2: have had a good week.
Speaker 4: I'm going out of town tomorrow, so it's like so
Speaker 4: much pressure to get me and my kid prepared for that.
Speaker 2: But other than that, I've been chilling. Yeah, because the snow.
Speaker 2: You're gonna be cold, girl, I'm excited.
Speaker 3: I had an interesting week. I had surgery. I'm kind
Speaker 3: of high right now. We'll just start my surgery in
Speaker 3: a later episode, but currently I I'm pretty intoxicated.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm under the influence. I'm drinking water.
Speaker 3: So if I don't make sense at any point during
Speaker 3: this podcast, just blame narcotics.
Speaker 4: I am not post surgery, but I am drinking wine,
Speaker 4: So if I say anything, just blame the wine.
Speaker 3: So today we have our first special guest, and I'm
Speaker 3: really excited because she's one of my best friends and
Speaker 3: the reason I brought her on is because she is
Speaker 3: an expert in the topic that I want to discuss today.
Speaker 2: Do we even like officially name this topic or.
Speaker 3: I don't know if there's an official name, but I
Speaker 3: guess basically how to talk about sex and body parts
Speaker 3: with your toddler slash children because you have to start early,
Speaker 3: I think.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And there is no I mean, not that I've
Speaker 4: seen lately any like how to guides. I haven't googled
Speaker 4: it or anything, but I'm sure go. I know your
Speaker 4: friend because this is gonna be really.
Speaker 2: So because people think you don't have this talk until
Speaker 2: much later on, and it comes very early because we're human.
Speaker 3: And thankfully I have this friend because she educated me
Speaker 3: on this when I was pregnant and I did not
Speaker 3: even think about this. But anyway, this friend has a name.
Speaker 3: I would like you guys to meet my friend, Jessica Coromo.
Speaker 3: She is an advocacy program manager at a nonprofit.
Speaker 2: And I would like you to explain.
Speaker 3: Yes, so too, bang, Hey girl, Hey, Hi, thanks for
Speaker 3: having me on So yeah. So, my nonprofit works with
Speaker 3: survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, in child maltreatment, and
Speaker 3: so we are always having the conversation about kids and
Speaker 3: their bodies and how is parents we can talk about
Speaker 3: these things, right? So, I think a lot of parents
Speaker 3: think that they don't have to talk about body parts
Speaker 3: or sex.
Speaker 2: Till much later. I don't even really remember when my
Speaker 2: mom talked about it.
Speaker 5: For me.
Speaker 3: I know that I had pet names for my body
Speaker 3: parts like I'm seepee and chee cheese and you know,
Speaker 3: like it was never straight up vagina.
Speaker 2: No, in my household, it was vagina. It was badox.
Speaker 2: It was like defecate and urinate.
Speaker 4: Really yeah, But I don't think my mom talking about
Speaker 4: sex so like she found birth control on my bed
Speaker 4: and I was like fourteen or so, it's.
Speaker 2: Like what are those?
Speaker 4: I'm like, huh, even when I had gotten even when
Speaker 4: I got my period, I remember like a lot of
Speaker 4: my my friends, Like I remember my one of my
Speaker 4: best friends, her mom bought her like all this pink
Speaker 4: shit and like a pink robe and like a pink
Speaker 4: stoll or maybe it was red, like to just what
Speaker 4: are they doing?
Speaker 2: Are they bouncing the Yeah, I think they're bouncing a ball. Yeah.
Speaker 4: I The conversation about periods and like sucks, even though
Speaker 4: we had like we labeled our private parts correctly, Like
Speaker 4: I don't feel like it was something on topic that
Speaker 4: was like openly discuss like I like I saw in
Speaker 4: my other friends homes and I thought it was like
Speaker 4: a racial thing.
Speaker 2: It's like because I was black, like we eve didn't
Speaker 2: talk about it.
Speaker 4: But my mom's parents were much older and more Yeah,
Speaker 4: so I think it was kind of like a more
Speaker 4: like they were just more conservative, and so she did
Speaker 4: that with me, so it wasn't much that we discussed.
Speaker 3: Now I looked at the word pregnant as a bad word.
Speaker 3: I remember thinking the word.
Speaker 4: Pregnant was like a bad like don't say it, yeah,
Speaker 4: which lets.
Speaker 3: Me know, like, you know, I didn't get the education
Speaker 3: that I needed, and my mom you know, probably didn't
Speaker 3: even know.
Speaker 4: I mean, it's just like this whole hush hush, don't
Speaker 4: talk about it thing. And like even like there was
Speaker 4: definitely not a conversation about masturbation or like anything like that,
Speaker 4: like feeling it like that was forbidden and it was bad.
Speaker 3: It's a generational thing though, too, right Like now in
Speaker 3: society we're seeing people are more open with their bodies
Speaker 3: or open to talk about their bodies. People are open
Speaker 3: to talk about gender now that we didn't have that
Speaker 3: when we were growing up. Our parents we're just trying
Speaker 3: to get by and like figure it out, and.
Speaker 4: Hopefully we didn't ask toim any questions, yeah, because it
Speaker 4: was really uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: But I think parents put a lot of pressure on
Speaker 3: themselves to say, like we need to have the talk,
Speaker 3: the talk, and there is no talk to have.
Speaker 2: It should just happen all the way on a conversation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it shouldn't be scary because they're weird.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's happened. It's real life.
Speaker 4: It's natural, like eventually everybody's gonna fuck right.
Speaker 3: Like when you like my father tried to have like
Speaker 3: the talk with me in high school and it was
Speaker 3: so but you know, that's how you got here.
Speaker 2: That's how we got here. Like, oh, I know. But
Speaker 2: if the kids dread it, the parents dread it. Always
Speaker 2: have this.
Speaker 4: Talk because it's been so like non communicating for so long.
Speaker 2: It's an ongoing conversation.
Speaker 3: If there's no talk, it's something that you're constantly educating
Speaker 3: your kids and probably yourself.
Speaker 2: And thank god I have you as a friend.
Speaker 3: Because there is I would be I would be out
Speaker 3: here talking about my butterfy.
Speaker 4: I'm glad to know you, you girl, because there's a
Speaker 4: lot of I didn't realize there was so much, so
Speaker 4: many like small things that are so important, that are
Speaker 4: so easy to implement, but if you don't know to
Speaker 4: do it, then you won't.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: So the talk isn't just about let's talk to your
Speaker 3: kids about sex. No, Like the talk is let's talk
Speaker 3: to your kids about their bodies, and let's not shame
Speaker 3: them about it. Let's let it be a normal conversation.
Speaker 3: So when Eric and I were talking when she was pregnant,
Speaker 3: even when Ari was a baby, I'd be like, okay,
Speaker 3: you need a teacher that this is her vagina and
Speaker 3: she needs to name that. And so a lot of
Speaker 3: parents are really afraid of that because like what I
Speaker 3: don't want like my baby saying vagina, Like that's a
Speaker 3: vulgar But if you don't make it weird or embarrassing,
Speaker 3: they're not going to think it's weird or embarrassing.
Speaker 2: It's a normal thing. That's what it's called. Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: what it's called.
Speaker 3: And it just empowers them to know, this is my
Speaker 3: body and this is what it's called.
Speaker 2: So if God forbid, anything ever were to.
Speaker 3: Happen to them, they would know exactly how to say
Speaker 3: someone touched my vagina or so you know, and it's
Speaker 3: it's very clear and no one will get misconstrued as
Speaker 3: to what it is because they.
Speaker 2: Know what the word is for that, right.
Speaker 3: So I mean even for me, like knowing that and
Speaker 3: then putting it into practice, I have to say.
Speaker 2: It was awkward implementing this rule. Yeah, like because I.
Speaker 3: Mean I knew that it was the right thing to do,
Speaker 3: but because I was never taught that, like, it felt
Speaker 3: it felt awkward for me to be like, Irie, this
Speaker 3: is your vagina, say vagina.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's like.
Speaker 3: She would, and I'm like vagina and just I even
Speaker 3: I slip up, I still slip up because I go
Speaker 3: back to what I was taught, right, Okay, But it
Speaker 3: wasn't actually until recently when we had this conversation recently
Speaker 3: that I had to like kind of like refresh myself
Speaker 3: and re check myself to go back to Iri and
Speaker 3: be like, you know, what, what is this called again?
Speaker 2: And she remembered, but she has gotten used to calling
Speaker 2: it something different.
Speaker 4: I remember this story you told us last week that
Speaker 4: left a big impression on me about the a case
Speaker 4: where tell me the story?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, So you know, I think we talk about the
Speaker 3: importance and why and people don't Sometimes they don't get it.
Speaker 2: They're like, well, whatever, what's.
Speaker 3: The harm in calling it something pretty or something that
Speaker 3: I want, Like it's your flower, it's your butterfly. So
Speaker 3: we had a case where a little girl said, you know,
Speaker 3: this person touched my butterfly. Her parents knew that her
Speaker 3: butterfly was her vagina, but no one else knew that, and.
Speaker 2: That didn't hold up in court. So unfortunately they didn't
Speaker 2: really get the justice that they.
Speaker 3: Deserved because you can't prove to anyone that your butterfly
Speaker 3: was your vagina.
Speaker 2: She could not say this is my vagina.
Speaker 4: Despite the fact that she was a child and that's
Speaker 4: how she had been taught and brought up, which is
Speaker 4: the scariest shit I've ever.
Speaker 2: Heard, exactly like I would that's very important.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like, if you told me that this person is
Speaker 3: gonna walk free or not get the penalty whatever, murder,
Speaker 3: death for to take my child, I'm gonna take manags.
Speaker 3: But because my daughter called it a butterfly, I'm gonna
Speaker 3: be not only upset at the justice system, upset with myself,
Speaker 3: right and I'm going to feel like I didn't protect
Speaker 3: my child, But you're also making the assumption that your
Speaker 3: child's gonna tell you, and you and you and your
Speaker 3: child know what that means. Sometimes they want to tell
Speaker 3: a teacher or someone else who's trusted, and to say
Speaker 3: they tell a teacher someone touched my butterfly. And the
Speaker 3: teacher has no idea what they're talking about. They're gonna
Speaker 3: be really dismissive. And so the child's like, why am
Speaker 3: I gonna tell anyone anything when no one is doing
Speaker 3: anything about it?
Speaker 2: And I know that this is wrong. I know this
Speaker 2: feels wrong, but not doing anything about it? Yes, baby, okay,
Speaker 2: what's wrong? Oh? Share the computers? Share the computer. Okay,
Speaker 2: she wants to work too. Sorry, guys, you know you
Speaker 2: know how it goes. Nobody shares it.
Speaker 3: Oh and by the way, when we say close the door,
Speaker 3: it's actually a clear door. We can see our kids,
Speaker 3: so it's not like they were anyone was writing us.
Speaker 4: Up to the parental abuse board. We can see them.
Speaker 4: It's a clear French door, and I'm watching them as
Speaker 4: we yell at them to close it. But yeah, no, exactly.
Speaker 3: Going back to that, I mean, yeah, like if a
Speaker 3: child told her teacher like someone touched my butterfriends and
Speaker 3: the teacher's like, okay, okay, whatever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so dismissive.
Speaker 3: And the teacher has no idea the damage that she's doing,
Speaker 3: and the child is that might be the only time
Speaker 3: she ever tries, and that's it, and that can change
Speaker 3: her life right then and there. Right she could be
Speaker 3: told by her perpetrator like you tell anyone and they're
Speaker 3: not gonna believe you, or I'm gonna hurt you.
Speaker 2: I'm going to hurt your family.
Speaker 3: So if that was your one shot for this child
Speaker 3: to feel like empowered and to be able to say something,
Speaker 3: you've just totally ruined that and lost that moment.
Speaker 4: Because no one can communicate whatever she's trying to communicate.
Speaker 2: Because just basically the.
Speaker 4: Word she's using to dislabel her vagina.
Speaker 3: And this goes for boys too. You need to teach
Speaker 3: your boys penis. Heck, yeah, I know, we have girls,
Speaker 3: so sometimes we discuss, you know, the daughters daughter.
Speaker 2: It goes for first protect our sons are yes.
Speaker 3: I mean I had I had someone who told me
Speaker 3: in her family, they only called his penis a water spout.
Speaker 2: And I was like, uh no, but what no?
Speaker 3: And I gave her that exact same example of like
Speaker 3: imagine he told his teacher someone touched my water spout,
Speaker 3: she'd be like okay, whatever.
Speaker 2: Like turn off, put your water bottle away, or you know, yeah,
Speaker 2: and I mean shit.
Speaker 4: Like, our kids are only three and I used two.
Speaker 4: Great guy, Like, by the way, some genormous ass kids.
Speaker 4: I know, they look like four. They have like normally
Speaker 4: tall children are really tall. But yeah, I'm noticing even
Speaker 4: as early as three. And you know, I don't know
Speaker 4: if you're noticing two, but they do just begin to
Speaker 4: discover their body parts and that certain things make them
Speaker 4: feel good, and they're you know, and they don't even
Speaker 4: know what that means.
Speaker 2: So I do.
Speaker 4: I'm now for the first time obviously, I'm this first
Speaker 4: time parent coming into like how important it is to
Speaker 4: not you know, make them feel shameful or guilt or
Speaker 4: bad for even discovering those parts because they're humans. They're
Speaker 4: coming into this body for the first time. You know,
Speaker 4: they've never been here before. I don't know what the hello,
Speaker 4: what's this?
Speaker 2: This is nice?
Speaker 4: So even that's like weird and awkward, but it still
Speaker 4: has to be addressed in a like loving and like
Speaker 4: embraced manner.
Speaker 3: How do you Yeah, it's definitely about not shaming them
Speaker 3: about their body and and you know, we see this
Speaker 3: happen with kids all the time.
Speaker 2: You know, you guys are talking about boys.
Speaker 3: Remember, like my younger brother's on the soccer field just
Speaker 3: having their hands in their pants, you know, and they're
Speaker 3: touching their penis. But it's not about it's saying like, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: I know, like you're discovering yourself or you want to
Speaker 3: touch your penis, but we're not going to do that
Speaker 3: in the soccer field, or you know, like you you
Speaker 3: set parameters around that and you say, you know that
Speaker 3: that's fine that you want to do that, but you're
Speaker 3: gonna do that in your bedroom. You're gonna do that alone,
Speaker 3: your own time. That's okay alone. Yeah, And whenever rules
Speaker 3: you have around masturbation around their body, it is what
Speaker 3: it is.
Speaker 2: Sometimes they share a room, so maybe it's not your room.
Speaker 3: Maybe it's like you're gonna do it in the power
Speaker 3: a littone time, but this is not something we do
Speaker 3: in public, and this is not something to be ashamed of.
Speaker 3: Love your body and cherish it and that's but that's
Speaker 3: your time. You can have that time, and that's okay, right.
Speaker 4: I think that's as parents, that's a I think the
Speaker 4: number one thing I think parents especially in public because
Speaker 4: like kids told you think of and we get so
Speaker 4: awkward and embarrassed and insecure because we're so insecure and
Speaker 4: haven't been taught correctly that it's like, hey, I'm doing
Speaker 4: that because you're you're automatically embarrassed.
Speaker 2: But that's like, that's my.
Speaker 4: Whole one of my biggest things in parenting period, and
Speaker 4: every aspect is like fuck everybody's opinion and fuck you know,
Speaker 4: like you have to step out of that for a
Speaker 4: second because that's so socially driven to just talk about
Speaker 4: it normally, because our first reaction can be to be
Speaker 4: so snappy because we get.
Speaker 2: A certain type of feelings.
Speaker 4: I knew and the story about this chick was mom
Speaker 4: and she said, don't know how the kid was, Like
Speaker 4: maybe he was like eight or seven, but like he
Speaker 4: obviously just started discovering that little penis and he was
Speaker 4: pulling that shot out everywhere, like trying to touch it,
Speaker 4: like at a restaurant, Like she just kept trying to
Speaker 4: get naked, and she had to finally have the conversation
Speaker 4: and she was still humiliated.
Speaker 2: But I guess it's just like the communication, oh my god,
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, just could end back. Hey, yes, none
Speaker 2: of that.
Speaker 3: Okay, they're playing with an umbrella and it's open and
Speaker 3: in the health and one of them on each.
Speaker 6: Sidey enough of that. This is not karate Ninja classes
Speaker 6: with the umbrella. Let's just watch the movie. And watched
Speaker 6: Pepa Pig put the umbrella away. I put it down
Speaker 6: no more.
Speaker 2: Its me, thank you never never. I don't know one.
Speaker 2: Are you gonna get a power? Okay, go watch Pepa peg.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, very empowered children.
Speaker 2: She just tried to jump me. She was like, that's
Speaker 2: my umbrella. I know. I was going through a phase
Speaker 2: of toughness. Now they're talking about us.
Speaker 3: But you understand, does some ship But yeah, I mean
Speaker 3: I could see how that could be. You know, it's
Speaker 3: fair react reactionary?
Speaker 2: Is that a word? Like a fair reaction? You you?
Speaker 2: I like it understood, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean I know for me, like even my mom,
Speaker 3: because I will say that I think some of it
Speaker 3: is generational, and you know, the conservativeness of the past
Speaker 3: and how we talk about sex, like Irie discovering her
Speaker 3: her body parts and like when she would take her
Speaker 3: diaper off, she would like open up her legs and
Speaker 3: touch herself and not in any sort of sexual way,
Speaker 3: but just be like discovering.
Speaker 2: Look what would I have? What is this?
Speaker 3: My mom would be kind of like she would come
Speaker 3: to me and be like, Erica, is ire getting touched
Speaker 3: or like it's everything Okay, that's not normal, And I'm like, if, no,
Speaker 3: it is normal, Mom, She just discovering her body. And
Speaker 3: please don't do that because I'm trying to teach her
Speaker 3: something different because I don't want her to feel like
Speaker 3: something's wrong. I do need to teach her that, no,
Speaker 3: you don't take off your diaper and open up your
Speaker 3: legs in front of everybody, but you know, don't teach
Speaker 3: her that it's something to be ashamed of.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: But I understand because even me, I've had to check
Speaker 3: myself into coming like like really genuinely feeling that way
Speaker 3: because my first reaction is the same as my mother
Speaker 3: because that's what I was taught.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, and that's not a bad thing either.
Speaker 3: If you know, if you think or you want to ask,
Speaker 3: you can ask to your kids, does anyone ever touched
Speaker 3: your vagina?
Speaker 2: Okay? I'm okay, Okay, they want you anyway. No, it's true.
Speaker 3: I mean I think it's trying to find that balance
Speaker 3: and Erica's mom was not wrong, I either being like has.
Speaker 2: Anyone touched education?
Speaker 4: There are different things that can be indications, but yes,
Speaker 4: and just no need to jump to conclusions because the
Speaker 4: truth is there is going to be a period when
Speaker 4: they're constantly discovering nihit about their bodies because.
Speaker 2: It's new, right right, Well, yeah, I lost my turn
Speaker 2: of thought.
Speaker 3: I was gonna say any type of friction, you know,
Speaker 3: like there is a you know, adverse react.
Speaker 2: I mean, is that the right road of the first reaction?
Speaker 3: There's you know, there's a pleasure of the They're gonna
Speaker 3: discover that and it's gonna be like okay. And so
Speaker 3: I think it's about having that conversation before you're in
Speaker 3: the grocery store instead of being like stop touching your vagina,
Speaker 3: to like remember what we talked about.
Speaker 2: Do that.
Speaker 3: So you've already had that conversation. I didn't know that
Speaker 3: was like a window door. They know they.
Speaker 2: Okay, the strawberries are cut, so they're fine.
Speaker 3: I mean, but you were talking about sort of signs
Speaker 3: and things to look for, and there are a couple
Speaker 3: of things.
Speaker 1: So one.
Speaker 3: We often say like, well, when's the age you can
Speaker 3: talk to your kids about sex. So I think it's
Speaker 3: really important if however old your child is, say they
Speaker 3: see a movie or something they say like, you know,
Speaker 3: when can you know my daughter saw in a movie
Speaker 3: like what like sex?
Speaker 2: And she asked what sex is? Or she heard that word.
Speaker 3: It's really important before you go on like this huge
Speaker 3: long lecture to be like, well, what do you think
Speaker 3: about it? And then listen to what they say first,
Speaker 3: because maybe like oh, maybe it's when a boy and
Speaker 3: girl kiss each other, Like okay, that's fine, But it's
Speaker 3: about giving them as much.
Speaker 2: Information as you're comfortable with.
Speaker 3: So some families believe, you know, sex happens when after
Speaker 3: you're married or after you've been in a long term
Speaker 3: loving relationship, and that's fine, that's those are your rules
Speaker 3: and your house rules.
Speaker 2: So it's about explaining whatever you feel comfortable with, but
Speaker 2: not lying.
Speaker 3: So like fuck the stork, we're not saying like the
Speaker 3: stork came, or we're not saying, you know, it just
Speaker 3: came from an imaginary land.
Speaker 2: Because once they realize.
Speaker 3: The truth and they realize like they've been lied to
Speaker 3: by their parents, they're gonna be like, well, I've been
Speaker 3: lying to my whole life.
Speaker 2: That is what else did you, like right, exactly exactly,
Speaker 2: So try.
Speaker 3: To be it's truthful and honest. But when we're talking
Speaker 3: about like what are signs, say with child sexual abuse,
Speaker 3: say like, all you've ever told your child was, well,
Speaker 3: you know what you're two, and sex is if you
Speaker 3: want to know, it's like kissing your you know. And
Speaker 3: then they say, well, actually it's a when a penis
Speaker 3: enters a vagina and you have never told them that.
Speaker 2: That's something you need to explore.
Speaker 3: So if they have sex knowledge, that's a lot greater
Speaker 3: than whatever for their age or what you've told them.
Speaker 2: You need to ask some questions like who told you that?
Speaker 2: Where to learn that from?
Speaker 3: But not in a scary way like no, like no
Speaker 3: I told you that? Yeah, like oh really, honey, where
Speaker 3: did you learn that? And I deep down inside your
Speaker 3: blood is boiling and you're looking at whose number your goal?
Speaker 2: Well, like when you were saying, like who am I
Speaker 2: going to kill with this?
Speaker 3: That's the biggest thing we say, too is and it's
Speaker 3: the hardest thing to say, but it's like sometimes your
Speaker 3: kids will be playing with other kids and they're like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 3: so when so and so like brought me to his
Speaker 3: bedroom or and it's about controlling yourself and controlling your
Speaker 3: facial reaction because if it gets uh huh and exactly
Speaker 3: how Erica just said.
Speaker 2: Like oh okay, like what what do you mean? What happened?
Speaker 2: Instead of being like who touched you?
Speaker 3: Like I had like in my experience, like my mom
Speaker 3: was so afraid of that.
Speaker 2: It was like drilled and it.
Speaker 3: Was like Jessica coming to my room, Okay, has anyone
Speaker 3: touched you vagina?
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, they have, and it was like are
Speaker 2: you sure?
Speaker 3: Like god, and I hated having that conversation, but if
Speaker 3: it's a normal conversation that you're hearing, like okay, touch
Speaker 3: your vagina.
Speaker 2: You know, okay whatever?
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think even you had mentioned the other day, like
Speaker 3: just wanted like say your daughter comes home from school
Speaker 3: or your toddler comes home to school, and just make
Speaker 3: it casual like okay, so how was school? Did anyone
Speaker 3: touch your vagina today?
Speaker 2: Oh? Cool?
Speaker 3: Let's go make lunch, like make it as casual as
Speaker 3: it sounds so strange, but yes, baby, Okay, one second,
Speaker 3: go sit down, I'll make you some more.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm coming the.
Speaker 3: Disappointment, I know, but just making it just as casual
Speaker 3: as that. You know, it sounds so weird. It even
Speaker 3: sounds weird to me saying it, but it makes sense.
Speaker 4: Yeah, the vagina talk shouldn't be I mean, or the
Speaker 4: penis talk should be.
Speaker 3: Often yeah, right, but it's because it's it's more so
Speaker 3: about your reaction. If it's more so about like, actually, mommy, yes,
Speaker 3: someone did touch by vagina and instead of like crying.
Speaker 2: Or making it because once you cry.
Speaker 3: Or do that, you make it about you, and then
Speaker 3: your child is gonna want to protect you.
Speaker 2: I'm like, what's wrong. I shouldn't have said that while.
Speaker 3: We're crying, and now all these things are happening because
Speaker 3: I said that.
Speaker 2: Just because the attitude and energy surrounding the conversation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so definitely try to control your facial expressions
Speaker 3: and control your temper. And we often say, you know,
Speaker 3: but reassure them you're gonna do something about it. So
Speaker 3: I was talking to my cowork about this because I
Speaker 3: knew I was coming onto this podcast, and I was like,
Speaker 3: there's just so much to.
Speaker 2: Talk about, like what do you do?
Speaker 3: And you know, statistically we always tell our kids like
Speaker 3: stranger danger, beware of strangers, and that's really not the case.
Speaker 2: Usually ninety percent of the time.
Speaker 3: They're going to be sexually assaulted or molested by someone
Speaker 3: that they know, someone really really close to them, who
Speaker 3: misuses that trust. And so she had a situation where
Speaker 3: there was like this really rambunctious boy and she's like,
Speaker 3: you know, I really don't think it was child sexual abuse.
Speaker 3: I think he was just really rambunctious and he was
Speaker 3: coming up and he was trying to mess with her
Speaker 3: and he grabbed her vagina. And so my daughter, she
Speaker 3: was like in kindergarten and she knew because she'd grown
Speaker 3: up talking about it, and she told her teacher like, hey, like,
Speaker 3: Tommy touched my vagina, and her teacher was like, no,
Speaker 3: he didn't mean it and totally dismissed her. And so
Speaker 3: then her daughter went home and was talking about her
Speaker 3: day and like, yeah, I was playing with Tommy and
Speaker 3: then you touched my vagina. And she was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: tell me more about this. You tell your teacher. She's
Speaker 3: like yeah, And so offline away from her daughter, she
Speaker 3: called her teacher and was like, what the hell. But
Speaker 3: then she was like, just to let you know, I
Speaker 3: called your teacher and you know, Tommy, that was totally
Speaker 3: not okay that he did that and he's not going
Speaker 3: to do that again. And so her daughter got immediate
Speaker 3: results and felt really validated because at first she was
Speaker 3: really dismissed by her teacher, but her mom validated that, right,
Speaker 3: And that's really important to validate their feelings, and it's
Speaker 3: not to question them like.
Speaker 2: Well, why were you there? Why you go to retire?
Speaker 4: You know just about that you were acknowledging what you're
Speaker 4: telling us.
Speaker 2: I believe you. I'm so sorry this happened to like
Speaker 2: We're going to do something about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's so important because I think a lot of
Speaker 3: times as parents we get caught up in the details
Speaker 3: that don't matter. We already know every little aspect of
Speaker 3: what happened, except what it really doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: What matters is.
Speaker 3: Kind of like how to be resolving the action and
Speaker 3: what happened and moving forward.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean think about as adults now, like think
Speaker 4: about the slut walk the amber Rose has.
Speaker 2: It's all around body.
Speaker 3: Shaming and victim blaming, and we need to get away
Speaker 3: from this culture where we're asking girls, why are you
Speaker 3: wearing that?
Speaker 2: That's why I got raped? Why are you drunk? That's
Speaker 2: how you got raped? And we start with kids.
Speaker 3: Right, you start like, well, why are you playing with
Speaker 3: that little boy when you shouldn't have?
Speaker 2: Because socially there's this weird nature around it, like.
Speaker 4: It's there's a like I think mostly for I mean
Speaker 4: obviously like for women, there's like a guilt and a
Speaker 4: shame place. And that's why this is my other question
Speaker 4: because this is really like a difficult place for me
Speaker 4: because I am a very empowered and naked woman, like
Speaker 4: a naturalist.
Speaker 2: So I do like to be naked, and I.
Speaker 4: And low key like before I mean not before, I
Speaker 4: mean and after I have a kid.
Speaker 2: I had a kid, Like if you come to my house.
Speaker 4: And you're my friend, you're likely to have to see
Speaker 4: me naked because if you come to my house, this
Speaker 4: is I want to wear only my panties. And I
Speaker 4: don't care how you feel about it, and if you
Speaker 4: feel some type of way about it.
Speaker 2: That's your fault because yeah, oh well go home. You know.
Speaker 4: I feel like I despise the rhetoric that women's bodies
Speaker 4: are these sexual like temples of desire only like we
Speaker 4: do so much like we birth children, like guys have tits,
Speaker 4: we have tits. We have a little more fatty tissue
Speaker 4: we feed kids, you know, Like this whole double standard
Speaker 4: really irritates the shit out of me. And because I or,
Speaker 4: if you want to be naked, then you're slutty. You
Speaker 4: want attention, Like I don't know how much chits to
Speaker 4: want that much attention. Like if I was fifty pounds more,
Speaker 4: maybe I would want attention.
Speaker 2: Yes, I would be talking a lot.
Speaker 4: But then having a daughter, I realized, like I want
Speaker 4: her to be empowered, I want her to be lanking.
Speaker 2: She's like, man, let's get naked.
Speaker 4: We have a naked dance, Like she wants to rubber
Speaker 4: chest against mine and like skin to skin and then
Speaker 4: we're having fun.
Speaker 2: And we want to dance naked.
Speaker 4: But then I realized that there has to be a
Speaker 4: fine line between like her understanding, like it's okay to
Speaker 4: be naked and have fun and people should respect your
Speaker 4: body and that's how it's supposed to be. But unfortunately,
Speaker 4: there are a lot of fucking creeps and I can't
Speaker 4: kill them all and know exactly who's who, because there
Speaker 4: are so many stories I've heard that are so fucking scary,
Speaker 4: like grandfathers making grandchildren and I've heard fathers, stepfathers uncles, friends,
Speaker 4: and these are.
Speaker 2: All just from like my close circle of friends.
Speaker 4: You know, I've heard horrible stories that I know have
Speaker 4: affected many people unto their adulthood.
Speaker 2: And it's like, how do you protect your kid and also.
Speaker 4: Empower them from you know, like not having the wrong
Speaker 4: body image, but also.
Speaker 2: You know, like where's that balance? How do you make
Speaker 2: that balance?
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think it's finding whatever your boundaries are.
Speaker 3: So maybe get the conversation that you're gonna have with
Speaker 3: Luna is gonna be like, Okay, this is Mommy and
Speaker 3: Luna time, right, that's when we do this a choice.
Speaker 3: So right now, you know, as an adult, you're making
Speaker 3: the choice for yourself, but you're also making the choice
Speaker 3: for her, like this is going to be our style,
Speaker 3: right naked when she gets older or even now, she's
Speaker 3: at a time where.
Speaker 2: She can decide if she wants to get naked or not.
Speaker 3: And so to let her know, I'm in I'm empowering
Speaker 3: you to if you want to take your clothes off
Speaker 3: when it's just us, that's fine, but that's just our thing.
Speaker 3: And you know when other people come over, we don't
Speaker 3: do that.
Speaker 2: That's our special thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because I notice myself getting.
Speaker 5: Irritated, not irritated, but annoy because like, like I mean
Speaker 5: grandparents in general obviously older than us, but even my dad,
Speaker 5: even on her dad's parents' side, like why are you naked?
Speaker 2: Where are your clothes? Like this whole like it's bad
Speaker 2: to be naked, and I'm like, chill out, everybody, Like,
Speaker 2: first of all, this is all family. We're in the crib.
Speaker 2: It's hot, you know.
Speaker 4: But then so and I want to be able to
Speaker 4: approach that without them feeling like I'm completely crazy.
Speaker 2: But at the same time, like.
Speaker 4: I do, like there's nothing wrong with our bodies and
Speaker 4: everybody else is crazy. So it's like trying to raise
Speaker 4: a European style child.
Speaker 3: No, I totally get that, but I think also like
Speaker 3: I'm hyper sensitive to it because of my work.
Speaker 4: I can't trust anybody, can I think you absolutely can't
Speaker 4: trust anyone unless they fucking personally. I mean even this
Speaker 4: can I'm sure there's stories that contradict this. Unless they
Speaker 4: raise you personally through your whole life and didn't do
Speaker 4: anything weird there, then they can raise your kid.
Speaker 2: But even there's stories that go both ways on that,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I would err on the side of caution
Speaker 3: and be like, you know what, we're gonna have our
Speaker 3: naked parties when it's just us and that's it. And
Speaker 3: you know, when we have company in our home, it's
Speaker 3: close time, right.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: I think another topic that I I feel like I
Speaker 3: want to be the hippie mother about it, but there's still.
Speaker 2: That conservative, protective person in me.
Speaker 3: Not even protective because I know, like like if she's say, like,
Speaker 3: my daughter is safe between me and her father, you know,
Speaker 3: but what do you think about children of the opposite
Speaker 3: sex being naked around their parents? Like the little boy
Speaker 3: being naked, the little boy seeing his mother naked until
Speaker 3: he's eleven, right, or the little girls seeing her naked
Speaker 3: father nake, her father naked till she's ten twelve, Like
Speaker 3: you know, like I know Iri has been around her
Speaker 3: father naked.
Speaker 2: I mean she's seen her father naked. Yeah, you know
Speaker 2: that's not weird. I mean, well, you're saying, but for
Speaker 2: how long? How long? What's acceptable? When at one point
Speaker 2: is it weird? Yeah?
Speaker 4: I think dad stopped doing that recently, Like it was like, okay,
Speaker 4: we're not shying.
Speaker 3: I mean the hippie and me wants to be like, well,
Speaker 3: sociding it's on the body and there is no time limit.
Speaker 3: But then the other top part of me is like, well,
Speaker 3: do I want to see my dad naked right now?
Speaker 2: Hell? No? Right? Like, did I want to see my
Speaker 2: dad naked when I was twelve? Hell no? Now twelve.
Speaker 7: I do remember being like four or five and like
Speaker 7: my days take baths with like with me, And then
Speaker 7: I remember when you started putting on like swimming trunks.
Speaker 2: Even Alana was talking about this and she was like,
Speaker 2: I would get so mad. She's like, after like five,
Speaker 2: I'm like, why are you wearing those trunks? Like kitt naked?
Speaker 2: We're getting in the bathtub. So there was like you
Speaker 2: still remember.
Speaker 4: They kids don't really understand, because I do remember being like,
Speaker 4: why are you gonna wear your swimming drunks?
Speaker 2: You're so weird? Right, but you don't know.
Speaker 4: But also, oh, this is really creepy and weird. But
Speaker 4: I read it in a psychology book.
Speaker 2: That men can't control their arousals.
Speaker 4: No, not that that's also true like after a certain age,
Speaker 4: like yeah, like a twelve, I guess like a fully
Speaker 4: developed or almost going through purebretty young woman shouldn't sit
Speaker 4: in her father's laugh because like in their anatomy, like
Speaker 4: just this the pure skim of a skin and like
Speaker 4: cause their.
Speaker 2: Dicks to get hard.
Speaker 4: And I have nothing to do with it, with with
Speaker 4: how they're feeling, and it maybe even make them feel awkward.
Speaker 4: But there's this I don't know what philosopher whatever this was,
Speaker 4: but there's like this.
Speaker 2: Whole it's like a pretty famous one. Not you're talking.
Speaker 4: About the Oedipus complex, but yeah, yeah, you probably know
Speaker 4: better than me. No, you know, it's like we're at
Speaker 4: a certain age and they're they're babies and maybe like
Speaker 4: four or three, they you go through this phase where
Speaker 4: you are in love with their campus it sucks, yes,
Speaker 4: and it's a pretty extreme like philosophy, like you want
Speaker 4: to marry your mother, you want to kill your father.
Speaker 2: It's like almost how it All kids go through it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I do remember this is a very strange
Speaker 4: story of tell and I'm probably gonna get judged, but
Speaker 4: I just remember I never even asked my dad about this.
Speaker 2: I had to be like four, and I remember like
Speaker 2: he was leaving and I tried.
Speaker 4: He was giving me a kisso mine. I try to
Speaker 4: like slip my tongue. He's like, oh no.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, don't do that. No, like her mom, only,
Speaker 2: that's totally normal.
Speaker 3: You're not gonna get judge for that.
Speaker 4: That buying some shit, you know, like I try to
Speaker 4: cuss my time, like what the hell are you doing?
Speaker 2: Like, what the fuck are you talking about? That? No?
Speaker 2: That okay, So don't.
Speaker 8: Flip tongue, ind uth mouth, don't ask mom, what the
Speaker 8: hell are you negative? But it's true, like that's a
Speaker 8: part of our human nature that we're testing social shit
Speaker 8: out and we're trying to figure out what's okay for
Speaker 8: us and what's not.
Speaker 2: So I mean, well you.
Speaker 3: Think about that like that very I mean, and we're
Speaker 3: totally talking about like in a heterosexual world because that's
Speaker 3: all we know right now, you know, But that was
Speaker 3: totally normal. I Mean, my mom says she remembers when
Speaker 3: I went through that phase and I asked her. I
Speaker 3: was like, Mommy, can I just please marry Pop? I
Speaker 3: love him so much. I want to get married to him.
Speaker 3: And she's like, she's going through this's in love with
Speaker 3: her dad right now.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to take it personally.
Speaker 3: No, And it's because kids they go through it and
Speaker 3: they love their parent of the opposite sex. So so
Speaker 3: much and they say it into phase and they grow
Speaker 3: out of it.
Speaker 2: It's nothing to feel weird about.
Speaker 4: It is like our initial like That's why we're so
Speaker 4: affected by our parents and our love for our parents
Speaker 4: as adults, because that's literally the first experience of love
Speaker 4: of the opposite sex that we ever have.
Speaker 2: That's our first impression of like love.
Speaker 4: That's why like you I have daddy issues or mommy
Speaker 4: issuanes because sometimes they have be issues.
Speaker 2: Can I have apple? Yes? Baby? Oh my god?
Speaker 3: Our children are very needy this episode.
Speaker 2: I think they're Kidi and John.
Speaker 3: One moment please, Oh, but you guys are talking about
Speaker 3: like what age can you see your parent of the
Speaker 3: opposite sex naked?
Speaker 2: And I think you know, baby is they have no
Speaker 2: idea they're showering. They don't know.
Speaker 3: I think once they start questioning, and once they start
Speaker 3: realizing what that is, then it's probably not appropriate to
Speaker 3: shower together anymore.
Speaker 2: So we often say like four or five, so because
Speaker 2: they can identify it, it's no longer appropriate. Well because
Speaker 2: they're just sort of asking questions like what's that? What
Speaker 2: you know? And they think, but isn't that.
Speaker 3: The whole point of like like you want like being
Speaker 3: able to answer the question and make it.
Speaker 2: Isn't it more awkward to take it away suddenly than
Speaker 2: to I think.
Speaker 3: The question would be like, you know, if the rules
Speaker 3: in our home aren't you know, protect my body, and
Speaker 3: I do this when I'm alone, and the question is like, well,
Speaker 3: why is daddy naked when we're in the shower, Then you're.
Speaker 2: Like, okay, well, what is daddy naked when we're in
Speaker 2: the shower. Maybe we shouldn't do that anymore.
Speaker 3: I think as much as you teach your children this
Speaker 3: is what a vagina and penis is, they really don't
Speaker 3: understand what that is until they're like four or.
Speaker 2: Five and they realize like, oh, I get it.
Speaker 3: That's your penis and that's your private part, and this
Speaker 3: is my vagina and this is my private part. So
Speaker 3: I think once they start making that distinction, then it
Speaker 3: can be like okay, then you can have your private
Speaker 3: time with that. You don't have to be all together.
Speaker 3: Once they're asking questions about it, I think is when
Speaker 3: you're like, Okay, we.
Speaker 2: Shouldn't do that.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean I remember growing up my mom being
Speaker 3: very open and naked all the time. It was me
Speaker 3: and her for most of my childhood, and my brother
Speaker 3: wasn't born until I was thirteen, so it was just
Speaker 3: me and my mom. She was a single parent, and
Speaker 3: so being seeing another female body wasn't unnormal to me,
Speaker 3: So I never really had to like kind of like
Speaker 3: identify or figure out the other side of that, like
Speaker 3: as far as with the father, but now with Irine
Speaker 3: and her father, I mean, I guess it's a choice
Speaker 3: that he would make on his own. I'm going to
Speaker 3: assume that he probably isn't going to be like showing
Speaker 3: his penis to her for much longer, even if he is,
Speaker 3: I mean, not showing, but showing, but just Change'm a
Speaker 3: friend of her, but I know, like you know, when
Speaker 3: we were together, we would, we would.
Speaker 2: It was very casual. She was, she's she's not even
Speaker 2: three yet, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: So but like I said, like the hippie and me
Speaker 3: wants to be like, oh, it doesn't matter, but then
Speaker 3: it does to a certain extent, it does matter to me.
Speaker 3: I don't know, there's a lot of people out here
Speaker 3: that are listening that maybe have different views, And if
Speaker 3: you do, please like I want to know what your
Speaker 3: perspective is, Like, what what is it that like do
Speaker 3: you and your husband or your partner. Do you still
Speaker 3: show body parts to your child or expose yourself when
Speaker 3: changing or showering with your child?
Speaker 2: And how old is that child? What age does it stop?
Speaker 2: Does it stop? Because I remember you mentioning, like it's
Speaker 2: just like a like in Europe.
Speaker 3: People like, yeah, right, yeah, so we think, like you know,
Speaker 3: we are very conservative in the US. This is we're
Speaker 3: all about our privacy. In Europe, you have nude beaches,
Speaker 3: you see people who are nude on the use or television,
Speaker 3: and so it's a little bit more accepted there.
Speaker 2: But at the same time, like we're not in Europe.
Speaker 4: And so as a result, I feel like the sexual
Speaker 4: assault rates very much much lower in Europe too, Like,
Speaker 4: isn't it because it's so restricted here, It's almost like
Speaker 4: people are less like exposed, so they're more it's more
Speaker 4: of like a forbidden food.
Speaker 3: Not really, I wouldn't say so, Like sexual assault is
Speaker 3: not like a crime of passion.
Speaker 2: It's a crime of power and control. So like I.
Speaker 3: Like I want to physically be powerful and take control
Speaker 3: over you. It's not because I want to have sex
Speaker 3: so badly and I want to have sex with you.
Speaker 3: It's more of like I, you are powerless in this
Speaker 3: situation and.
Speaker 2: I want to have the power over you. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: that's like irrelevant.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't say that sexual assault is lower in Europe.
Speaker 3: I really don't know the statistics on that, but.
Speaker 2: It's just so rampant in general.
Speaker 3: I mean, I would say if it were a lower
Speaker 3: then maybe they're having more respect for women's rights and
Speaker 3: then respecting them more as powerful figures rather than it
Speaker 3: be like a sexual thing.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: What I've what I was thinking is what about like
Speaker 3: same sex couples, Like how does that work? Like you
Speaker 3: know what I mean, like to like two men that
Speaker 3: have a daughter, you know, how does that work?
Speaker 2: Do they? Like I would say, to bathe her until
Speaker 2: she can bathe herself. Like maybe it's.
Speaker 4: Not, but they don't have to be making for them,
Speaker 4: but they can bathe her without, you know.
Speaker 3: And I'm just curious if there's anybody out there that's
Speaker 3: the same sex relationship. I'm just curious, Like that's such
Speaker 3: an interesting thing that I don't feel like many people
Speaker 3: talk about, you know, like the rules of that, Like
Speaker 3: I mean, I mean, like we say rules, but you know,
Speaker 3: just the process, yeah, yeah, or even the conversation, like
Speaker 3: they may not even be a boundary because I'm sure
Speaker 3: there's families that it's not a big feel like super
Speaker 3: really committed hippies that don't us.
Speaker 2: Authentic valley girl hippie. I'm not a first class and
Speaker 2: be a hippie. They starve trail mix in first class.
Speaker 4: But yeah, I mean, I'm always I try to be
Speaker 4: super non judgmental, but I guess like that's our human
Speaker 4: like generally we judge, but I do. I would like
Speaker 4: to know someone else to perspective, because hey, maybe we'll
Speaker 4: be you know, persuaded to think otherwise.
Speaker 3: Right right, I mean, whatever happens in your home is
Speaker 3: totally fine, but I think you also have to think
Speaker 3: about because we're not this hippie European society. Your child
Speaker 3: also has to live in society as it is now,
Speaker 3: and they.
Speaker 2: Have to go to school in society. So you have.
Speaker 3: To make these rules and say, okay.
Speaker 2: But this is where we live reality.
Speaker 3: The reality is this, and they have to live in
Speaker 3: that reality.
Speaker 2: You know, he was crazy as hi kiya.
Speaker 4: And she told me like a munch her when I
Speaker 4: was much younger than she got.
Speaker 2: Married and she's like she's like hell, yeah, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: get married. She was pregnant.
Speaker 4: She's like, I'm gonna leave the kids at home, and
Speaker 4: I'm gonna pretend like I left, and I'm gonna watch
Speaker 4: how my husband interacts with those kids.
Speaker 2: And this is at this point she'd been married like
Speaker 2: five years something like this. Oh, not like left her husband,
Speaker 2: but like let them know.
Speaker 4: She's She's like, I will pretend like I leave the house,
Speaker 4: and I don't monitor.
Speaker 2: How you're interact with our kids. I don't give a
Speaker 2: fuck if you are my husband. I don't give a
Speaker 2: fuck who you are. I don't trust anybody.
Speaker 4: She's like, you cannot trust anyone. And I used to
Speaker 4: really think she was crazy and had trust major trust issues.
Speaker 4: But the truth is is you can't trust anyone, and
Speaker 4: you have to like you can't.
Speaker 2: I heard her story about this woman.
Speaker 4: She had been married for ten years, she had a baby,
Speaker 4: the baby was nine months old. She was serving through
Speaker 4: her husband's of ten years computer and found child born
Speaker 4: oh yeah.
Speaker 2: And was sick.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you know they ended up going to like therapy,
Speaker 4: and obviously she didn't get past that. But and she
Speaker 4: like as a reason the stressed cause or get breast
Speaker 4: cancer because it was just such a heavy burden.
Speaker 2: But and she's like, none of his.
Speaker 4: Friends that they had known collectively or hate known for
Speaker 4: him personally, had ever suspected anything like that. But like
Speaker 4: when it comes to sex, I mean not even sex,
Speaker 4: but just comes to people, there's some weird fucking shit.
Speaker 3: Well people that are sick, and there are people that
Speaker 3: are perpetrators and do this.
Speaker 2: I mean, we had a case where it was same.
Speaker 3: It was like a nine month old, like a baby,
Speaker 3: like he was still in diapers and this mom just
Speaker 3: felt like something's up and she's like, I don't know,
Speaker 3: like your dad. She was telling her husband like, your
Speaker 3: dad is giving me this weird feeling. And he was
Speaker 3: getting pissed, like what do you mean this is my dad.
Speaker 3: She's like, I don't know, like your grandpa, right, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: the paternal grandpa.
Speaker 2: Your dad's giving me a weird feeling. And he was
Speaker 2: getting pissed, like what are you talking about my dad?
Speaker 3: She's like, your dad always wants to change the baby's diaper,
Speaker 3: is always like the first weak I'll go, I'll go.
Speaker 3: And so it causes big like they're about to divorce,
Speaker 3: and so what they did but talk about their privilege,
Speaker 3: but they got they were able to get like one
Speaker 3: of those like hidden cameras and a bear, and she
Speaker 3: put the hidden camera in the baby's nursery and the grandpa, yeah,
Speaker 3: was molesting the nine month old.
Speaker 2: And so she was like she knew.
Speaker 3: And that's like a whole other conversation that we talk about,
Speaker 3: Like when you talk to your kids about their body,
Speaker 3: it's always teaching them to go with their gut. So
Speaker 3: because yeah, and so really fostering that in kids, like
Speaker 3: go with your gut. We especially, I think a lot
Speaker 3: of women do this and who grow up in close families.
Speaker 2: They don't want their kids to be rude.
Speaker 4: So they're always like, you know, we get to this
Speaker 4: family party, go hugging kiss everyone, and if your child
Speaker 4: doesn't want you, then you embarrassed and you're like, don't
Speaker 4: be rude, right, and you sort of force them to go.
Speaker 3: Hugging kiss everyone. And we're teaching our kids to not
Speaker 3: trust their gut. And so if they don't want to
Speaker 3: hug and kiss, okay, that's okay. Maybe you're rule with
Speaker 3: then you have to say hi and wait to everyone
Speaker 3: and that's okay. But no, you don't need to physically
Speaker 3: go hug and kiss everyone, and those are signs too.
Speaker 3: If you if you're a child, you justly has no
Speaker 3: problem doing that. But there's one person that they don't
Speaker 3: want to do that with. You have to ask yourself
Speaker 3: why that's a good that's actually a really good observation.
Speaker 3: And I know, like I probably have been guilty of
Speaker 3: that making iri, you know, go.
Speaker 2: Give them a hug, give Papa hug, give you know,
Speaker 2: this person a hug, and I need to start doing that.
Speaker 2: Is that real f or maybe it's a way. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't want to say hi today, and who cares
Speaker 2: if sorry, they don't want to say hi.
Speaker 4: It goes back the giving zero fucks about anybody else's opinion,
Speaker 4: because that's important.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, one hundred percent. I think that's really important.
Speaker 3: I think there was something else be like you wanted
Speaker 3: to touch on as far as you got a family friend,
Speaker 3: I remember, oh.
Speaker 4: Oh, well, this is more to like empowering, like just
Speaker 4: the conversation to your kid around like their body. I
Speaker 4: had a friend, I'll hear my dad's friend. She has
Speaker 4: a daughter, careful whose daughter? I think she was like fourteen,
Speaker 4: like a freshman in high school, and she was like
Speaker 4: adamant that she wouldn't let She was like the nicest, sweetest,
Speaker 4: oh my god, sweetest child, like innocent, fourteen year old,
Speaker 4: and she don't want her to get a two piece
Speaker 4: for the summer. Oh right, And I said, because she did.
Speaker 4: She's like she was probably more developed than myself. She
Speaker 4: had breast and stuff. So she was like really adamant
Speaker 4: about not her letting her get a two piece, and I,
Speaker 4: you know, like, maybe I'm wrong, Shit, who am I?
Speaker 4: But I was like, be careful what you ask, or like,
Speaker 4: be careful what you're restricting, because this is going to
Speaker 4: be her body for the rest of her life and
Speaker 4: those her bust and whenever you go through puberty, you
Speaker 4: go through puberty and that's.
Speaker 2: Not anybody's fault.
Speaker 9: But I just was telling her, like, be careful what
Speaker 9: you say, because at the end of.
Speaker 4: The day, here's my whole thing. Like even when I
Speaker 4: was I'm super nude, so it's talking for me to judge.
Speaker 4: But maybe even when I was breastfeeding, my best friend
Speaker 4: said something to me. So I don't even know if
Speaker 4: we mentioned that she's gonna listen to keep bitch. She
Speaker 4: says something to me that was so offensive to me,
Speaker 4: and she said, you know, I don't have a problem
Speaker 4: with you breastfeeding in public, but you know, you got
Speaker 4: to consider other people. Other people are pervs, and you're
Speaker 4: exposing your kid to that. And to me, she basically
Speaker 4: said that I'm basically exposing my kid to be like
Speaker 4: could could be like some kind of sexual object or
Speaker 4: desire for for onlooking perve. But my biggest thing is
Speaker 4: that you can't protect yourself and your kids from everybody's lurking.
Speaker 2: Weird ass eyes. No, so we can't try. You know,
Speaker 2: I don't want to. I don't want to pay No, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: you guys. Okay, you guys gotta go play out here.
Speaker 2: You no, go back and love her. You can take
Speaker 2: that out there, Okay, take the sword out there. Bye,
Speaker 2: it's too loud.
Speaker 3: Go on, babe, Okay, No, you're right.
Speaker 2: And also, I mean you know, I mean, I mean.
Speaker 4: Like so even like so that's what the mom was saying, Like,
Speaker 4: you know, she has on those boobs, She's not gonna
Speaker 4: be wearing no two pieces in front of these men.
Speaker 4: But my biggest thing is who are these like Obviously
Speaker 4: we've we've brushed up on that, we don't know everybody's emma,
Speaker 4: and people are into some word shit. But also like
Speaker 4: if you do as even as a parent, if you
Speaker 4: can have weird vibes from someone even once, then maybe
Speaker 4: those people shouldn't be exposed to our children and it
Speaker 4: should be less of a shift of guilt towards the kids.
Speaker 2: Like, oh, there's men around, put some.
Speaker 4: Clothes on, which is true, but also what men are
Speaker 4: giving you weird vibes that you are in such close
Speaker 4: proximity with, you.
Speaker 3: Know, so yeah, yes, well twofold one, like that's not sexual. Breastfeeding,
Speaker 3: it's not weird, and so many people are doing it,
Speaker 3: and more power to you this whole like free the
Speaker 3: nip movement, right, hey, like let's let's not make breastfeeding
Speaker 3: this thing to be ashamed of. And if you want
Speaker 3: to breastfeed in public, fine, but I'm off that tangent.
Speaker 3: I'm your best friends is fine with this whole issue
Speaker 3: about you know.
Speaker 2: Sorry not to interduct. If you don't have a child
Speaker 2: and you never breastfed, then you just don't understand. So
Speaker 2: that probably has a lot to do with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: I think also with.
Speaker 3: You know, this whole thing about like you can't wear
Speaker 3: this bikini, or you have to wear.
Speaker 2: This one piece.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry with these kids, you guys should see that
Speaker 3: they are like silent motioning, yelling, like doing the like
Speaker 3: counter three.
Speaker 2: In silence your brother. My kid always writes to eat.
Speaker 2: My kid goes like food food, I want rasber.
Speaker 3: I think with the whole bathing soup conversation, I think
Speaker 3: you're right, it's finding that balance and I don't want
Speaker 3: to shame you.
Speaker 2: This is your body, love your body.
Speaker 4: You want to wear two peeres wear you're fourteen years old,
Speaker 4: for everybody else is wearing two people or.
Speaker 2: It's finding that compromise, like, hey, you know what, you
Speaker 2: want to wear two piece with your friends, let's do it.
Speaker 2: Can we wear one piece at the family party like
Speaker 2: a tankini?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: I think it's being able to have that conversation with
Speaker 3: your daughter and not just restricting it.
Speaker 4: But if you know, looking so strange and everybody's like, how
Speaker 4: do you feel you know?
Speaker 2: Right? Right? Do you feel embarrassed? Or do you feel
Speaker 2: like good about it? That's a that's a good I
Speaker 2: like that. Do you feel good? Do you feel confident?
Speaker 2: Why do you not feel good? You look good? Or
Speaker 2: like right? Okay, Well, if you don't feel good, then
Speaker 2: don't wear it, and it's it's hard to have to fit.
Speaker 2: I didn't have answers for so many of these questions.
Speaker 3: Because you no one knows your child better than you,
Speaker 3: and so whatever conversations you have, you have to have,
Speaker 3: and you have to find what works for your family
Speaker 3: right and you have. It's about having that open communication.
Speaker 3: I think we all want that.
Speaker 2: A lot of us didn't have good relationships with our moms.
Speaker 2: Growing up.
Speaker 3: In high school, we were demons. I mean, I went
Speaker 3: to high school with Aerka.
Speaker 2: We were I am immortal.
Speaker 4: I am so scared about like the twelve thirteen fourteen,
Speaker 4: like twelve twelve through eighteen.
Speaker 9: Literally I was a fucking demon, right and you just
Speaker 9: know every.
Speaker 2: Fucking thing are so hot.
Speaker 4: In the pants. Oh my god, even I did so much.
Speaker 4: Now that I look back, I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 4: you so many fucking perves.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: So Erica and I met when we were eleven playing soccer,
Speaker 3: and we've always been We were in sports together and
Speaker 3: went to high school together. In retrospect, and we talk
Speaker 3: about our high school experience playing soccer. We had some
Speaker 3: pervy ass coaches that our parents trusted and you don't
Speaker 3: know you trust you with these people, and like, actually
Speaker 3: my soccer coach was getting us wasted taking us to concerts.
Speaker 3: And there were rumors of our soccer coach like dating
Speaker 3: and hooking up with students, and we just like kept
Speaker 3: it a secret.
Speaker 2: And you know, and he was He's so cool, was
Speaker 2: eating his trade.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so we're talking about like we were at that
Speaker 3: age where we're like, fuck our parents. We were not
Speaker 3: close then, and now as you get out of that.
Speaker 3: I mean once I got to college and I was
Speaker 3: like I'm alone and money, you know, right, I missed
Speaker 3: my mom And so you have this phase where you're
Speaker 3: really close, you have this open relationship that you fucking
Speaker 3: hate each other in high school, and then you go
Speaker 3: you really missed them.
Speaker 2: And so it's this balance.
Speaker 3: That you're gonna have to find with your kids, knowing
Speaker 3: that that's gonna come, never gonna happen.
Speaker 2: I'm never for life. I'm so thankful Lena miss the scorpio.
Speaker 2: Like I couldn't be like a cancer with a scorpio.
Speaker 2: I'm a scorpio child. I know you're my poor mother,
Speaker 2: my poor labra mom. Oh my god, drove her. I
Speaker 2: did I know I drew my parents insane, Like, well,
Speaker 2: I reas a Taurus, so she doesn't give me a
Speaker 2: run for my money. But I feel like I understand her.
Speaker 2: I feel like we have an understanding, Like we understand are.
Speaker 3: Like crazy, ye are like crazy stubbornness, like independence are
Speaker 3: respects because hopefully, I like, I love watching her be
Speaker 3: independent and like learn things and like kind of go
Speaker 3: in and out of her little attitudes where I see
Speaker 3: my mom watch this happen with her, and she's like losing.
Speaker 2: She's like, oh, she should not be doing that.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, see, that's what you tried to do
Speaker 3: with me, and I rebelled, And that's exactly why I'm
Speaker 3: not going to do that with Irene.
Speaker 2: Not that my mom did a.
Speaker 3: Bad job at all, Right, It's just like that was
Speaker 3: there was no stopping me once I made a decision.
Speaker 2: Right. You know, it's good to empower your kids. It's
Speaker 2: definitely great.
Speaker 3: It's finding that balance, So you don't want to be
Speaker 3: super super strict parents for your kids are just gonna
Speaker 3: be like, well f off, I'm I'm gonna go party.
Speaker 2: And we already know.
Speaker 3: Those you know, those girls whose parents were super super
Speaker 3: strict and they happened to be the sluttiest girls in school,
Speaker 3: and not not to shame them or anything, but it
Speaker 3: was because they didn't have the opportunity to explore themselves.
Speaker 2: So this is how it was coming out. But even
Speaker 2: also if like the way I was taught about.
Speaker 3: You know, from the very beginning about body parts and sex,
Speaker 3: I think it really kind of uh explains the story
Speaker 3: of how I was as a teenager. And I was
Speaker 3: very secretive, and I didn't feel comfortable talking to my
Speaker 3: mom about anything sexual that I was interested in, because
Speaker 3: everything was like a secret.
Speaker 2: Or like not naughty, or like you don't do that,
Speaker 2: ladies don't do this.
Speaker 3: And Jude, because of that, I didn't want to tell
Speaker 3: her anything when I lost my virginity, like I did
Speaker 3: not tell her when I.
Speaker 2: Thought about getting birth control.
Speaker 3: I did not tell her when you know, all just
Speaker 3: did it all these firsts that And then I had
Speaker 3: friends who had relationships with their parents were that was
Speaker 3: the first person they told, right, they couldn't wait to
Speaker 3: tell their mom, right, and their mom probably died inside.
Speaker 2: But I still listen, you're right, You're right.
Speaker 3: I mean it's also a cultural thing, right, and we
Speaker 3: make fun of this all the time.
Speaker 2: We were like why moms, they like right down for
Speaker 2: the get down.
Speaker 4: But I don't understand how white because that wouldn't come
Speaker 4: out differently.
Speaker 3: But there's something to learn from the white mombs, right,
Speaker 3: like Okay, oh wow, maybe I don't want to be
Speaker 3: as open and talk about my sexual partners with my mom,
Speaker 3: but maybe I want to have the conversation of like, oh,
Speaker 3: you're the about having sex, Like as much as I
Speaker 3: hate this, like and as much as I really really
Speaker 3: want you to wait, or I want to make sure
Speaker 3: that you're in a healthy relationship if this is what
Speaker 3: you want to do, like, let's look at your options.
Speaker 2: Right when I told my mom I had sexually cried.
Speaker 7: I mean especially he hasn't know your friend so hard
Speaker 7: cried I would, but right she cried.
Speaker 3: And then I felt ashamed. But again that's what I've
Speaker 3: been talking about this whole time. I felt a shame.
Speaker 3: It made it about her because you're like, oh shit.
Speaker 2: And I don't blame you, mom, I know, Mom, trust me.
Speaker 3: If if you're listening to this, if I when I
Speaker 3: when iri, or if oh god, you're gonna lose it.
Speaker 3: But I just like, yeah, it did make me feel like, oh, well,
Speaker 3: I'm never telling you anything again.
Speaker 2: Testing the waters.
Speaker 3: But then you have no idea how you're going to
Speaker 3: react or how your mom's going to react. And I
Speaker 3: can say now, like I can be talk all this like,
Speaker 3: oh I want my daughter to be in the thing,
Speaker 3: but when it comes down to it, who knows how
Speaker 3: I'll react. I'm working now, taking the steps now to
Speaker 3: try to train myself to like, because you know me,
Speaker 3: just like my facial reaction. I'm really bad fat like
Speaker 3: you're talking about earlier, like being able to like train
Speaker 3: your facial reaction. Guys, I am so bad. My face
Speaker 3: tells it all, and I have to learn how to
Speaker 3: just be i'mutral, yeah, believe when she can't.
Speaker 2: Train for it.
Speaker 3: When I when like you know, like deep seated emotions
Speaker 3: are involved, it's really it's really difficult.
Speaker 2: But yes, you're right, I should be able to do that.
Speaker 3: But you know, like people kids are having sex a
Speaker 3: lot younger. So what if at twelve thirteen years old.
Speaker 2: Your daughters are like, I want to have sex. I'm ready.
Speaker 2: That's really hard. We expect like, oh, absolutely fucking not.
Speaker 3: I And you're gonna I'm going to give you a
Speaker 3: PowerPoint for.
Speaker 2: This be happening and I'll be coming to my office.
Speaker 2: It was very pleasant. So that's my whole point.
Speaker 3: It's like it's so easy to say, like we're gonna
Speaker 3: do this, but your kids surprise you every day, I'm sure,
Speaker 3: and they're gonna surprise you with that like God forbid
Speaker 3: or you know, it's something that you don't expect and
Speaker 3: you're gonna have to sort of deal with that and
Speaker 3: maybe your role is well, you know what, actually, no,
Speaker 3: we're not gonna look at that. Like our role in
Speaker 3: our home is that you're you make sure you love someone.
Speaker 3: Do you know what that is? Or what are what
Speaker 3: are going to be the consequences if you have sex?
Speaker 3: Why do you want to have sex?
Speaker 2: And so it's.
Speaker 4: About asking those questions because that's scary.
Speaker 2: It's scary. I mean even like when I started.
Speaker 3: My period, Like literally the first thing my mom told
Speaker 3: me when I started my period was now you can
Speaker 3: have babies.
Speaker 2: That's that's like, that's fear.
Speaker 3: Well, she's putting fear in me, like those type of things,
Speaker 3: like she thought that putting fear in me is like
Speaker 3: but if it just like I don't know, she did
Speaker 3: the best she could and I know what I might
Speaker 3: have said the same exact thing.
Speaker 2: You know, you don't know what you're gonna say that exactly.
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't.
Speaker 3: But but those those little things that you think you're
Speaker 3: making the right choices, you just don't know.
Speaker 2: You never know, because as parents, you make split.
Speaker 3: Decisions, like you make decisions in a split second sometimes
Speaker 3: and you don't realize how those.
Speaker 2: Decisions can affect your child.
Speaker 3: Like years from now, it might be something that you
Speaker 3: made that decision quickly and you never thought about it again.
Speaker 3: But that thing, that decision stuck with that child, Yeah,
Speaker 3: for the rest of their life.
Speaker 2: That was a defining moment for them, right.
Speaker 3: I think it's about being putting dads on the same
Speaker 3: page too. I mean, my parents obviously did not have
Speaker 3: that conversation about my period and.
Speaker 2: I got my period and it was just my dad
Speaker 2: home and I was like, oh, that's so good.
Speaker 3: I was like, I got my period and the only
Speaker 3: thing he's like, call your mother at work right now.
Speaker 3: But also when we have this conversation about talking to
Speaker 3: your heads about their bodies, making sure dads are gonna
Speaker 3: get with it, Yeah.
Speaker 2: They're going the same page as you.
Speaker 4: Because I I'll snap the dad real quick, like no, no, no,
Speaker 4: don't get on her about homeping.
Speaker 9: She just knowsou me, so I'll say that. Yeah, I
Speaker 9: mean because like, don't make her feel guilty or ashamed.
Speaker 9: So he's on the same page because you know, especially
Speaker 9: when you're co parenting, you have to be in alignment.
Speaker 9: So there's not these confused mixed messages too.
Speaker 2: Right, there's never gonna be perfect alignment. No, there's not.
Speaker 3: But you're saying, like, hey, at my house, this is
Speaker 3: the rule, Like I would appreciate if we can have stability,
Speaker 3: and this is what we do. Like if at my
Speaker 3: house we're gonna call it a vagina, please call it
Speaker 3: a vagina at your house, you know.
Speaker 2: And this is why.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and this is why we're gonna send this link
Speaker 3: to our baby.
Speaker 2: Daddies on anything else is encrypted locked? Why can't I
Speaker 2: click on anything else? I know for you, not for
Speaker 2: your ears. Thank you so much for coming to to us.
Speaker 2: I feel so much smarter now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel smarter too, And I hope that you
Speaker 3: guys listening got some good tips empowering information.
Speaker 2: Yeah, from our dear friend Jessica Romo.
Speaker 4: She'll be back with her expertise because she is our
Speaker 4: expert on everything.
Speaker 2: I found our friend expert. She does everything. Well.
Speaker 3: I guess that concludes today's sex education.
Speaker 2: Sex education.
Speaker 3: If you guys have any comments questions for Jessica, we can.
Speaker 2: Relay the messages. If you dem us expert in the
Speaker 2: subject line.
Speaker 3: You guys may feel so you're like our smartest friend.
Speaker 3: If you have any questions for this expert, No, seriously,
Speaker 3: if you do.
Speaker 2: Because she has lots of answers and she likes to talk,
Speaker 2: she can cancels at our small feet.
Speaker 3: So yeah, again, you can find us at Good Mom's
Speaker 3: Bad Underscore, Bad Choices.
Speaker 2: You can DM us there. You can also email us.
Speaker 4: At Parental Advisory gm BC at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: And we're still working on that Twitter. No one I
Speaker 2: did it. It's our Twitter is good Bad Moms O.
Speaker 3: Our Twitter is good Underscore Bad Moms BAM. Okay, so
Speaker 3: follow us on Twitter. We'll tweet, we'll tweet back at you.
Speaker 2: We're gonna start tweeting this week. This is a lot
Speaker 2: of outlets, guys, give us a break. There's a lot
Speaker 2: of work. We're also like raising humans too, trying not
Speaker 2: to fust them up. All right, guys, well and make
Speaker 2: you avoid to stop me, because I.
Speaker 9: Ain't gonna stop it now, don't stop on.
Speaker 2: The radio and radio show anything.
Speaker 4: Go.
Speaker 3: Let's tell it like it is and how it could be,
Speaker 3: how it was, and of course how it should be.
Speaker 6: Those who thinks thirty to have a choice.
Speaker 2: Turn the radio wall. Will that stop us? Then?
Speaker 4: Damn?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 1: Then come on, Ben, Let's talk about sex, baby being,
Speaker 1: Let's talk about again a winn avenue.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about all of the.
Speaker 1: Things after bad man.
Speaker 2: Maybe, let's talk about saying. Let's talk about.
Speaker 1: Sex, a little bit of little meta, let's talk about
Speaker 1: let's talk about sin.
Speaker 2: How does it trying to make any man's life