Speaker 1: Sometimes in your relationship you have to decide do you
Speaker 1: want to be right or do you want to unite
Speaker 1: dead ass?
Speaker 2: And in the battle of what could potentially be whose
Speaker 2: life sucks more in that moment, Just know that sometimes
Speaker 2: you gotta leave well enough alone, right, exactly the same
Speaker 2: leave Yeah, Sometimes you gotta leave leave well enough alone, right, deadass. Hey,
Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm devoured and where the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 2: Our voys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 2: of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: Do the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
Speaker 1: one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 1: the truth. Were about to take Billot off to our
Speaker 1: whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time, So I'm gonna take y'all back to shoot
Speaker 1: shoot a couple weeks ago. Well, I'll start by going
Speaker 1: back a couple months ago. Our oldest son, Jackson, is thirteen. Now,
Speaker 1: he's at that that that crux in the road, you know,
Speaker 1: that that fork where it's like either the kid is
Speaker 1: going to go down the path or destruction or is
Speaker 1: going to go down the path of prosperity.
Speaker 2: And all depends on over my dead body, struck destruck,
Speaker 2: your book, destruct.
Speaker 1: Your book, And it all depends on how you prepared
Speaker 1: the foundation you lay them going into you lay for
Speaker 1: them going on to middle school. Yeah, paused that. I
Speaker 1: don't want to lay your foundation for your son, but
Speaker 1: I mean you do see why you got to grow up.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be your parent. Grow up, grow up
Speaker 1: really bad. Okay, It all depends on the foundation you
Speaker 1: lay for your child going into middle school, because middle
Speaker 1: school is where they pick up some habits. They're going
Speaker 1: to spend a lot more time with their friends and
Speaker 1: with other people and in school and in practice. So
Speaker 1: you have to really, you know, hone in on who
Speaker 1: they are as a person. So Jay moved here not
Speaker 1: only as a basketball coach, but I needed Jay to
Speaker 1: be here as.
Speaker 3: An extension of me. When I'm not here.
Speaker 1: You know, we grew up together in KENARISI he had
Speaker 1: a very i would say, adventurous life that allowed him
Speaker 1: to learn how to do things on the move and
Speaker 1: to learn his his like navigate different situations using his
Speaker 1: vision in his eyesight. I like to callote the third
Speaker 1: eye because when you grow up in Brooklyn, you need
Speaker 1: a third eye to exist. And he was homeless for
Speaker 1: a matter of time, him and his mom as they
Speaker 1: were trying to figure things out. But he's really like
Speaker 1: street smart, So I felt like having him around Jackson
Speaker 1: to mentor Jackson while I'm away filming and doing all
Speaker 1: these things would just be a good thing because Jackson'll
Speaker 1: have a big brother. So I bring Jay hair. Were like, Yo,
Speaker 1: we're going to low Jackson up with so many things
Speaker 1: to do during the day that he doesn't have time
Speaker 1: to get distracted by bullshit. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Jackson said he wants to be a professional athlete. He
Speaker 1: also said he wants to get into politics. He's at
Speaker 1: that age where you know, he might want to be
Speaker 1: a lawyer like he just so We're like, yo, we're
Speaker 1: going to do everything, and then doing everything it meant
Speaker 1: that for track, football, basketball, debate, tech. We had to
Speaker 1: find the time. So Jay was like, yo, we're up
Speaker 1: at five. Get him his first work out of six
Speaker 1: in the morning. And I remember Kay looking at me like, dude,
Speaker 1: six in the morning. He's twelve at the time, like
Speaker 1: are you kidding me? And I'm just like, hey, he
Speaker 1: wants to do these things. We have to teach him
Speaker 1: a work ethics. So first couple of months he was
Speaker 1: getting used to this six ams and he was a
Speaker 1: little groggy, but he was starting to get to it.
Speaker 1: But then he hurt his foot and after his foothurts like,
Speaker 1: I hope you nurture you know, I study exercise physiology
Speaker 1: and kinesiologies. I said, oh, it's a little pain here,
Speaker 1: foot growing pain. Took him to the orthopedic. Orthopedic said
Speaker 1: it's nothing, he can work through it. Got over the
Speaker 1: foot injury, then his hip started hurting. Then after his
Speaker 1: hip started hurting, I'm looking at him and he's limping
Speaker 1: a little bit. I'm like, he is growing. He's getting
Speaker 1: told maybe it's growing pains. So I put him through
Speaker 1: a workout and I start stretching him pause and I
Speaker 1: noticed he was flinching, and I'm like, that's not a
Speaker 1: growing pain, knowing what I know about it, that's not
Speaker 1: a growing pain, especially on that hip. Beside the hip,
Speaker 1: his it band was tight, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: think we might be overworking him because he don't have
Speaker 1: enough time to sleep and rest. And I said in
Speaker 1: this moment, because oh, and let me take y'all back,
Speaker 1: take y'all back to two weeks prior. Kadeen has a
Speaker 1: way of not saying things like most moms do, but
Speaker 1: saying things with their eyebrows. So Jay is over here
Speaker 1: and me and me and Jay are discussing, like what's
Speaker 1: going to be the plan? And every time we say
Speaker 1: something about, oh, you know what, because I kept trying
Speaker 1: to make adjustments, and I kept saying, listen, you know,
Speaker 1: if he does six ams maybe three times a week
Speaker 1: rather than every day, he'll get those two days off
Speaker 1: and Wednesday he gets to go to school a little later.
Speaker 1: And this is all Kay kept doing with her eyebrows.
Speaker 1: And I see her eyebrows with was touching her hairline.
Speaker 2: For those of you listening, image, Yeah.
Speaker 3: So I'm looking at Can. I'm like, she's gonna have
Speaker 3: something to say.
Speaker 1: But I said to Casser, listen, I know this seemed
Speaker 1: like a lot, but you've never been a professional athlete.
Speaker 1: I said, I've been a professional athlete. I've trained professional athletes,
Speaker 1: and Cae just said okay and then leave. Last week,
Speaker 1: last week, Jackson hit was bothering him and I looked
Speaker 1: at he was limping, and my soldier of her son
Speaker 1: every time I asked him, how you feeling? Oh cool,
Speaker 1: because he's been taught and nurture to fight through pain
Speaker 1: and be tough and not show weakness as an athlete.
Speaker 1: So I had to take a look at him and say,
Speaker 1: you know what, now is the time where I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to concede and I'm gonna have to admit to
Speaker 1: my wife.
Speaker 3: Then I might have went overboard, And to be honest.
Speaker 1: It was worth conceding because I didn't want my son
Speaker 1: to be destructed by his father and his uncle because we,
Speaker 1: you know, we were we were really trying to like,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not making excuses
Speaker 1: Jackson in middle school. I've seen so many kids go
Speaker 1: from like the perfect person and then they get into
Speaker 1: middle school and by the time they leave in middle school,
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't know who the fuck that is.
Speaker 2: You an I D We're just laughing into karaoke time, y'all, because.
Speaker 1: This karaoke was inspired by what we watched last night,
Speaker 1: because it was perfect. Every night, really really super late,
Speaker 1: Kneena and I like to turn on BT and watch
Speaker 1: one of my favorite TV shows. And if you know
Speaker 1: what show this is, then you know this song I'm
Speaker 1: about to sing you and I T wy you and
Speaker 1: I T y. That's a Unity man. Come on, y'all
Speaker 1: know that's from.
Speaker 2: Name that show Baby Hello, which is crazy too because
Speaker 2: I was just listening to Unity the other day because
Speaker 2: we ran and ran ran to Queen. When we were
Speaker 2: back home in New York. I was filming a day
Speaker 2: with k Stuff and we just happened to be in
Speaker 2: a park they were filming. They were doing Equalizer three
Speaker 2: and yeah, it was right equalizing the TV show the
Speaker 2: show Yes, and yeah, that was nice to bump into her.
Speaker 2: So AnyWho, let's take a quick break and we're gonna
Speaker 2: come back. There's lots of unpack here. I'll let you
Speaker 2: tell your story. We're going to unpack the story and
Speaker 2: we're going to talk more about the power of conceding
Speaker 2: in a relationship. We'll be back y'all, all right, we're back.
Speaker 2: As it relates to storytime, Yeah, I was definitely just
Speaker 2: kind of sitting back with my mom eyes watching what
Speaker 2: was happening with Jackson. And the reason why I said
Speaker 2: something to you initially about the early mornings was because, well,
Speaker 2: first I thought it was a lot. I'm like, he's
Speaker 2: twelve going on thirteen. I'm like, value didn't play sports,
Speaker 2: like really, you know, at a high high level to
Speaker 2: high school college.
Speaker 1: I didn't play I did combat sports. Remember, I did tekwon,
Speaker 1: doing jiu jitsu from the time I was nine to fourteen, okay,
Speaker 1: and that was three four times a week. That was
Speaker 1: travel tournaments, that was dealing with pain, that was gotcha.
Speaker 1: I had done all of that.
Speaker 2: For in terms of like stuff like that. Yeah, So
Speaker 2: I just thought that, like, man, this is a lot
Speaker 2: getting up early. And now saw how loaded Jackson's schedule was.
Speaker 2: And it wasn't just the six ams. It was then
Speaker 2: getting through a school day, and then there was practice
Speaker 2: after for one team, and then practice after for another team,
Speaker 2: and then working out with you in addition to and
Speaker 2: then track practice, like there were just so many things happening.
Speaker 2: So I'm looking as mom because I'm assessing the health
Speaker 2: and wellness of my child, and I can see that
Speaker 2: he was tired. I also went to an early parent
Speaker 2: teacher conference and one of his teachers said, yeah, it
Speaker 2: was weird. One morning Jackson was like falling asleep in class.
Speaker 2: And I wasn't sure if it was that he wasn't
Speaker 2: feeling well, if he was tired, or it was if
Speaker 2: the work was boring or what it was.
Speaker 3: Huh, it was one morning and it was the beginning
Speaker 3: of school.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was one morning.
Speaker 1: Tired in the beginning of school. School started in August,
Speaker 1: so this happened the beginning in August.
Speaker 2: So I said to Devala, so, you know, the teacher
Speaker 2: mentioned that he fell asleep in math, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know, he's very advanced in maths. I'm like, is
Speaker 2: it that the work is, is you know, kind of
Speaker 2: boring for him? Or is it that the six am
Speaker 2: was catching up to him? And Devo was like, don't
Speaker 2: automatically put it on the six am. He was offended
Speaker 2: that I mentioned the sixth thing am.
Speaker 1: It was because I was because moms like to do
Speaker 1: things like if a child does something wrong, the first
Speaker 1: thing they want to do is you're not doing sports,
Speaker 1: and for me, I think that's unfair to the child
Speaker 1: because if he was playing an instrument, which you what
Speaker 1: you wanted him to do.
Speaker 3: Moms never take away instruments is punishment.
Speaker 1: They only take away sports, which to me, I think
Speaker 1: is unfair to a young man who loves to play sports.
Speaker 1: And my mom used to do this to me all
Speaker 1: the time. I would do everything perfect, I make one
Speaker 1: mistake and the first thing she would do is take
Speaker 1: away basketball, and it ultimately took me out of AAU
Speaker 1: basketball in seventh grade from a stake that wasn't even mine.
Speaker 1: So I was very defensive, and a lot of it
Speaker 1: had to do with the fact that the way I
Speaker 1: grew up and I didn't want Jackson to go through
Speaker 1: the same thing. So it really had less to do
Speaker 1: with you and more to do with everything I had
Speaker 1: was going through.
Speaker 2: And grows in this moment. For de Valeni is that
Speaker 2: could have been an argument, right because I could have
Speaker 2: been going back and forth. I never asked Jackson to
Speaker 2: play an instrument. I've asked if they were interested in it,
Speaker 2: because I want them to be well rounded and try
Speaker 2: different things and see what you know, expose them. I
Speaker 2: played the piano and hated it, so I would never
Speaker 2: push that on them. However, I did realize in that
Speaker 2: moment like okay, Deval got defensive about it. But me,
Speaker 2: knowing my son, I'm like, maybe there's something there. So
Speaker 2: I said, let me not guess and have this conversation
Speaker 2: with Deval guessing. Let me talk to Jackson directly. So
Speaker 2: I asked Jackson about the morning he fell asleep in
Speaker 2: math class, and I said, yeah, you fell asleep in
Speaker 2: math class one time. Her teacher said she had to
Speaker 2: wake you up like twice. What happened is to work,
Speaker 2: you know, too boring or what? He was like, Oh, no,
Speaker 2: that was the morning I had six am. I was
Speaker 2: just a little tired, And I said, oh, okay. So
Speaker 2: I heard that from his mouth without prompting. So that's
Speaker 2: when I let Deval know that was the case. But
Speaker 2: then Deval then, you know, I had to reassess the
Speaker 2: situation because he realized too, like, Okay, maybe this is
Speaker 2: a bit much for Jackson right now to juggle because
Speaker 2: he does have a lot on his plate now.
Speaker 1: He definitely has a lot on his plate. And when
Speaker 1: I think about growing up, When I thought about growing up,
Speaker 1: I did do karate. When I started playing basketball, I
Speaker 1: had basketball practice, I did do jiu jitsu. I was
Speaker 1: on a debate team, was in the math academy. I
Speaker 1: wasn't the concert choir. I wasn't.
Speaker 2: Activities.
Speaker 1: I never had time to myself either, so me giving
Speaker 1: him time to himself was nothing I ever thought about doing.
Speaker 1: I wanted him to always have something to do, so
Speaker 1: he's not in the street or in the video games.
Speaker 1: Now granted, we don't live in a place where he
Speaker 1: could even be in the street, so I just didn't
Speaker 1: want him to be at home in the video games
Speaker 1: or going out with his friends to do something because
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm not trying to snitch on my son,
Speaker 1: but I've been at these middle school things and I
Speaker 1: see some of the eighth graders who were going to
Speaker 1: high school or young high school kids come back and
Speaker 1: they're vaping and they're out there and they doing stuff,
Speaker 1: and I just don't want my son to have any
Speaker 1: time to be Yeah, you always have something to do.
Speaker 3: So I would admit that that was my plan.
Speaker 1: What I didn't realize was when I was doing prototype
Speaker 1: or when I was doing those things, my father wasn't
Speaker 1: my trainer.
Speaker 3: So when I did come home.
Speaker 1: I came home to relax, and it didn't hit me
Speaker 1: until I saw Jackson limpin and realize, like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: when he comes home, he doesn't come home to relax.
Speaker 1: He comes home to hit mobility, speed training, weight room training,
Speaker 1: questions about basketball, talking about basketball.
Speaker 2: Jay will stop by to drop him off. Y'all still
Speaker 2: talking more about basketball, and he literally had like no
Speaker 2: reprieve from it. And me, being mom, who also was
Speaker 2: never a professional athlete, I tried to respect where Deval
Speaker 2: and Ja come from because they are the experts in
Speaker 2: this field. So I'm like, y'all must know something that
Speaker 2: I don't know because Deval played an elite level. So
Speaker 2: if that's where Jackson wants to be, I never want to,
Speaker 2: you know, undermine what you say or even put that
Speaker 2: little bit of you know, doubt in Jackson's mind. Which
Speaker 2: it's just like, all right, well, Jay and Dad are
Speaker 2: telling me one thing, but Mom seems apprehensive.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: We always try to make sure that we are on
Speaker 2: a united front when we present ourselves to the kids,
Speaker 2: and then behind closed doors, I'll say to de Val,
Speaker 2: don't you think or he'll say, hey, I think you
Speaker 2: handle that incorrectly, which I think is necessary because it's
Speaker 2: like a checks and balancing system that we have within
Speaker 2: the relationship as parents. But it's just a thing where
Speaker 2: you know, moms, we just tend to know our kids,
Speaker 2: and I in that moment, was like, maybe it might
Speaker 2: be a bit too much. And I see the effects
Speaker 2: of it on Jackson even this morning. For example, he
Speaker 2: was up last night throwing up diarrhea, had some stomach issues.
Speaker 2: He was so apprehensive this morning to even tell you
Speaker 2: how he really felt because he felt like them, am
Speaker 2: I gonna be a punk if I tell Dad that
Speaker 2: I don't feel when it can't go to school?
Speaker 1: Or I think that's I think that's unfair for you
Speaker 1: to say that one because he called me.
Speaker 3: He didn't call you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but he called me, right, you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: he didn't call you first, So he wasn't apprehensive to
Speaker 1: tell me how he felt.
Speaker 3: He just didn't know how he was going to be received.
Speaker 2: As sorry if I didn't say that correctly. Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 2: nobody he calls you first.
Speaker 1: And they all called me when they need something. And
Speaker 1: I think, to be fair, you do know your kids, right.
Speaker 1: I don't think moms know what's best for their sons though,
Speaker 1: And I think that's the difference. Moms may know their children,
Speaker 1: but you don't know what's best for them. And for me,
Speaker 1: it's every time they come against adversity. Moms. You your
Speaker 1: mom want to save them. They don't need be saved
Speaker 1: because you can't save them when they're outside. They have
Speaker 1: to learn, and I think that's where you and I
Speaker 1: have to learn. That's a unity and I no, but
Speaker 1: I think that's where you and I in this. Now
Speaker 1: you're gonna make me keep saying it. In this situation particular,
Speaker 1: knowing when to concede was important for both of us
Speaker 1: because you knew when to concede and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: Deval knows this part of athleticism and professional athletes are
Speaker 1: going to concede even though I don't agree, and then
Speaker 1: me realizing that, okay, physically he doesn't look like himself,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to concede, and Kadeen was right rather
Speaker 1: than both of us trying to argue and putting our son.
Speaker 1: Because I've also been on the other end of this
Speaker 1: as a trainer, where mom and dad are not on
Speaker 1: the same page and they're both arguing loudly in front
Speaker 1: of the child, while both making the child do something
Speaker 1: that's not good for the child.
Speaker 2: And if your kid is just confused, and to also
Speaker 2: further back your point, there are moments too where now,
Speaker 2: for example, this morning, devout Jackson didn't want to be
Speaker 2: seem like he was being a punk for like not
Speaker 2: going to school or going to practice.
Speaker 3: I'm going to practice.
Speaker 2: But you then also gave him the latitude to say
Speaker 2: in that moment, which I thought was correct, Jackson, if
Speaker 2: you don't feel well, take the day and stay home, rest, recover.
Speaker 2: I would have been more inclined to be like, oh, well,
Speaker 2: you're not throwing up anymore, your stomach is fine, all right,
Speaker 2: go to school, then don't miss the day, you know.
Speaker 2: So that's where I could have been wrong, and that
Speaker 2: you say to me, Kadeen, like, don't you think it's
Speaker 2: a bit much that you're pushing him to school? And
Speaker 2: he was literally thrown up two hours ago, right, And
Speaker 2: I'd have been like, well, he's fine though, he looks
Speaker 2: fine now. So that's a moment where I sometimes need
Speaker 2: to be checked. And you say, Kadeen, like you're like,
Speaker 2: just because you don't want the kids to miss the
Speaker 2: day a school because you're a stickler for academics. You
Speaker 2: can't do that at the detriment of their health, right,
Speaker 2: And I.
Speaker 1: Mean you're right because we've had those conversations where I'm
Speaker 1: the parent that's more likely to be like, Yo, you
Speaker 1: don't feel good, you don't go to practice.
Speaker 3: You don't go to school either.
Speaker 1: Just take the whole day where you're more like, nah,
Speaker 1: he can miss practice, but he's going to school. To me,
Speaker 1: school has certain values, but also I think school can
Speaker 1: be overrated when it comes to certain certain kids in
Speaker 1: certain situations. You know, for example, thinking about and this
Speaker 1: is going a little bit off topic, but also thinking
Speaker 1: about trying to raise my son the way I was
Speaker 1: raised when I didn't grow up the same way as
Speaker 1: my child did, or even trying to raise my son
Speaker 1: the way I mentored other young men who had different situations.
Speaker 3: I'm realizing that it doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I have to learn how to concede
Speaker 1: sometimes because everything I thought I knew about my life
Speaker 1: or I knew about these kids is completely different now
Speaker 1: than it was five ten years ago when I was mentoring.
Speaker 2: That's a good thing that you brought up, and I
Speaker 2: think you should put a posted on this, and we're
Speaker 2: going to keep this tab open for the conversation we're
Speaker 2: going to have about you and Jackson and that first
Speaker 2: little altercation that happened in the house. So I'm not
Speaker 2: sure when this episode is going to air in comparison
Speaker 2: to that, but I think this route that you're going
Speaker 2: will be great for that conversation because part of it
Speaker 2: is talking about how you grew up and what you
Speaker 2: require to do just to survive in these streets, and
Speaker 2: it's like trying to take that same approach with Jackson.
Speaker 2: But it's like being in these streets over here, you know.
Speaker 2: But I get it as a man and as a
Speaker 2: man raising a boy, and me never having been a
Speaker 2: boy or a man. There's certain things that I will
Speaker 2: lean on you for. So we can, I guess table
Speaker 2: that until we get to that.
Speaker 1: Because I do want to talk about that specifically, just
Speaker 1: that one situation. But this is a good transition to
Speaker 1: give them some facts and stacks about conceding right. According
Speaker 1: to Troubau, you know, Trouble always looks up the stats.
Speaker 1: Admitting when you're wrong can create a deeper emotional connection
Speaker 1: with your partner. It shows a commitment to honesty and
Speaker 1: vulnerability and your relationship and gives your partner more security
Speaker 1: and knowing that you are committed to making things right
Speaker 1: between you rather than being right in an argument, Being
Speaker 1: honest and admitting when you are wrong can inspire your
Speaker 1: partner to do the same, making brave honesty and humility
Speaker 1: a making making brave honesty and humility a norm in
Speaker 1: your relationship, Admitting when you are wrong can strengthen your
Speaker 1: emotional connection with your partner. And remember, vulnerability is sexy,
Speaker 1: so it may also strengthen your sexual intimacy.
Speaker 2: That's insane, that last one there, I know it is sorry,
Speaker 2: and remember, vulnerability is sexy, so it may also strengthen
Speaker 2: your sexual intimacy. We've spoken recently about how our sexual
Speaker 2: intimacy has gone through the roof, and though we know
Speaker 2: there are a couple other factors that probably lend to that,
Speaker 2: I do think that me finally finding ways to take
Speaker 2: accountability and admit fault and saying to myself, Babe, I
Speaker 2: didn't do that quite right, or I might have been
Speaker 2: wrong in this moment and being okay with that genuinely
Speaker 2: has definitely heightened that so intimacy because we no longer
Speaker 2: have those long bouts of like contention.
Speaker 3: So let me ask a question.
Speaker 1: What got you to the point where it was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me just start admitting when I'm
Speaker 1: wrong rather than fighting to the death.
Speaker 2: It was a lot of one learning, it was a
Speaker 2: lot of un learning. I know that the way I
Speaker 2: was raised, and I even see it as an extension
Speaker 2: of my mom. There's this aim for perfection. There's this
Speaker 2: aim to not be wrong. It's the aim to always
Speaker 2: be in someone's good graces. It's to be the people pleaser.
Speaker 2: Is to not do things that people may look at,
Speaker 2: you know, with any kind of like fault or so
Speaker 2: when I so growing up that way accepting accountability for
Speaker 2: something wrong, what do you mean, No, I didn't do
Speaker 2: anything wrong. I never intended to do anything wrong, so
Speaker 2: it was not my fault.
Speaker 1: So it wasn't about being right. It's just I'm not
Speaker 1: wrong exactly. So you didn't have to prove that you were.
Speaker 2: No exactly. And then, I mean, there were moments where
Speaker 2: I felt like I had to prove my point or
Speaker 2: prove how I arrived at a complete in a certain situation.
Speaker 2: I've said that on previous podcasts where It's like, do
Speaker 2: you not want to hear why I got to this
Speaker 2: point or how I got here? You just want me
Speaker 2: to accept accountability and understand where you're coming from and
Speaker 2: move on. And it had a hard time doing that
Speaker 2: for a long time because I think as a child
Speaker 2: growing up, there was always this pursuit of perfection that
Speaker 2: I was striving for, and I never wanted someone to
Speaker 2: see me in a negative light, or I never wanted
Speaker 2: someone to be upset by something I did. As a child,
Speaker 2: I was a pleaser. You know, do well for your parents,
Speaker 2: be the example. You're the oldest child, you're the oldest grandchild,
Speaker 2: you're the oldest cousin. So all of that pressure for
Speaker 2: so long, I think for me manifested itself in our relationship,
Speaker 2: Whereas I always wanted to be held in that regard.
Speaker 2: So when I did something that was not favorable to
Speaker 2: you or something you didn't agree with, I completely took
Speaker 2: that as I'm the worst person in the world. Let
Speaker 2: me find a way to deflect, Let me find a
Speaker 2: way to just argue my way out of this situation.
Speaker 1: Funny thing is I can see all of those things
Speaker 1: now when I look back at how we used to
Speaker 1: go through arguments and debates. I'm like, she's not even
Speaker 1: trying to understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 2: She just had to tell you that I'm here and
Speaker 2: I didn't do something. And it wasn't until I think
Speaker 2: you were able to see even just existing in this
Speaker 2: household for the past three years with my parents and
Speaker 2: how they interact, and there's a lack of accountability there.
Speaker 2: It's the blame game a lot of the time, and
Speaker 2: I'm just like, I don't want us to end up
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 1: You and your mom are very similar in that even
Speaker 1: when I try to tell Mom something that I noticed
Speaker 1: and it's like, Mom, I'm not blaming you, I'm just
Speaker 1: showing you something, her first thing is just like, well
Speaker 1: I didn't.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah a lot.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying you the only one. I'm just saying
Speaker 3: I noticed.
Speaker 1: But then that's when I started to realize, like, dang,
Speaker 1: Kay does the same exact thing. Like the minute something happens,
Speaker 1: she wants to put out that.
Speaker 2: I was to blame you and think about the story's
Speaker 2: mom has shared with us about her growing up.
Speaker 1: And I understand why she why She's like, well, I
Speaker 1: was I.
Speaker 2: Was walking the straight and narrow and this happened, It
Speaker 2: wasn't me.
Speaker 3: Did we explain that story with your mom?
Speaker 1: And this is important I think you might have we
Speaker 1: talk about we talk about understanding your spouse's parents, and
Speaker 1: you understand that mom told me a story about working
Speaker 1: the late shift at Burger King and she got off late,
Speaker 1: she got on the bus and she got home and
Speaker 1: it was past twelve o'clock.
Speaker 3: And when she got to.
Speaker 1: The home she was staying in here in America, Yeah,
Speaker 1: which was a friend of the family, in your family,
Speaker 1: they locked her out and she had to sleep on
Speaker 1: the floor in the hallway because they thought she was
Speaker 1: out gallivanting, which to me, that would automatically create a
Speaker 1: trigger in my mind. Sadly, I can't do anything outside
Speaker 1: of what they deem to be wrong, because if I do,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be.
Speaker 3: Outside on the floor.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: And then I see how she raised her kids, always
Speaker 1: show them like, don't let anyone see you do anything
Speaker 1: outside of the toe.
Speaker 2: Be the perfect model, child, model, citizen, model worker, like
Speaker 2: that was her lifestyle and that's how she grew up.
Speaker 2: So in that vein, I can see how it manifested
Speaker 2: myself itself in our relationship and the way I deal
Speaker 2: with you, and I had to realize, like it's okay
Speaker 2: to be misunderstood in a moment, or it's okay to
Speaker 2: be wrong in a moment. It's okay to not have
Speaker 2: made the right decision. Mom and I are the main
Speaker 2: two who do laundry in this house, right, the dryer,
Speaker 2: the little part that pulls out all of the lint,
Speaker 2: the lint trap. Something broke on the lint trap. So
Speaker 2: Mom is like, the limp trap is broken. I can't
Speaker 2: pulled out. I don't know what happened. And I was like, Mom,
Speaker 2: you and I are literally the only two that used
Speaker 2: the dryer, like right, and I know I didn't break it,
Speaker 2: so right, And she's like, well, I don't know. It
Speaker 2: wasn't me. It's like, okay, Mom, it's fine, Like no
Speaker 2: one's blaming you. I'm just wondering what happened to the
Speaker 2: lin trap so we can potentially get it fixed. It's fixable,
Speaker 2: it's okay. But it was like in that moment, that's
Speaker 2: just a small example of how it was, like, WELLHY
Speaker 2: didn't And I'm like, I'm not blaming you. We just
Speaker 2: want to figure out how to fix it. So I
Speaker 2: know that's where a lot of it comes from with me.
Speaker 2: So I've learned to in conceding in the relationships, saying
Speaker 2: you know, okay, you were not right, and it's okay
Speaker 2: because Deval understands. We can talk about it and you
Speaker 2: live to see another day.
Speaker 1: You don't it don't or you don't always have to
Speaker 1: be right in order to move forward emicably. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: had to learn that too, with just conceding power or
Speaker 1: conceding control, because in my mind, I feel like I
Speaker 1: have to be in control of my family because I'm
Speaker 1: responsible for my family. If something goes wrong in this family,
Speaker 1: whether it's you, whether it's the kids, the first person
Speaker 1: the gonna look at is me. So since I'm the
Speaker 1: one that everyone looks setting to say, well, you have
Speaker 1: to be, you know, the person that leads the family.
Speaker 1: I always felt like I have to be in control,
Speaker 1: do it my way because I know that my way
Speaker 1: works for me absolutely, And then I always used to
Speaker 1: project that on you and the kids because it was
Speaker 1: just like, I know my way works for me, and
Speaker 1: since I'm responsible to provide and protect, can y'all just
Speaker 1: do it my way so I.
Speaker 3: Know it'll get done.
Speaker 1: And I had to learn that my process works for
Speaker 1: me because that's my process. My process is not always
Speaker 1: going to work for you or the kids, or even
Speaker 1: my friends who who were in business together. Like, I'm
Speaker 1: learning that now that it's okay to concede your process
Speaker 1: to other people. So if there's one thing I had
Speaker 1: to learn to give up, it was give up that
Speaker 1: and not just with you, but with everybody. You know.
Speaker 1: I got business partners I work with, I got kids,
Speaker 1: you know, I got people that I mentor, and I'm
Speaker 1: always trying to tell them to do it this way.
Speaker 1: And then I've watched people be successful not doing things
Speaker 1: my way. So I've learned to concede it and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: figure it out.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: October third makes twenty two years since we've been together.
Speaker 2: And in those twenty two years, I feel like I've
Speaker 2: seen you try to control right, and it's not because
Speaker 2: you try to control people. People come to you and
Speaker 2: ask questions and say, deval, how should I do or
Speaker 2: WHW can I be successful at? Or how do I
Speaker 2: start this business? Or if I want to be an actor,
Speaker 2: what do I do? And I've seen you pour yourself
Speaker 2: and your time and your wisdom into people to tell
Speaker 2: them the way to do things, and then they don't
Speaker 2: do it, and then you end up frustrated because they
Speaker 2: didn't do what you told them to do because your
Speaker 2: life so listen, it worked for me. It was guaranteed
Speaker 2: if you would have followed this blueprint, you would have
Speaker 2: done X, Y Z, and then you wouldn't have to
Speaker 2: rely on me to help you do things. But I've
Speaker 2: noticed that you've definitely stepped back in the past few years.
Speaker 2: Your hair's grown back, you know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 2: would attribute that to you not being stressed out about
Speaker 2: everybody else's issue.
Speaker 3: I know where near stresses I was, because you've.
Speaker 2: Literally let people be and everyone has their process, and
Speaker 2: I love that you found a way to be able
Speaker 2: to do that and really just focus your time on
Speaker 2: energy on yourself and especially the boys. Even me. Some
Speaker 2: things you've been telling me for years that I should
Speaker 2: do in a certain kind of way, and I'm just
Speaker 2: like to VALI, I have my own process. I'll figure
Speaker 2: it out in my own time. And it took a
Speaker 2: while for you to figure out how to let that go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I had to learn that conceding control
Speaker 1: gave me space to have peace, because when you try
Speaker 1: to control everything, and you realize that you can't control
Speaker 1: all of these billions of people walking around on the earth.
Speaker 1: That's what used to be stressing me out. You know,
Speaker 1: why don't my brother do it this way? My sister?
Speaker 1: Why don't my parents just listen? Why don't Cay just
Speaker 1: do this? Why don't her brother and sister? Why the
Speaker 1: kids don't? And all of that stress you used to
Speaker 1: keep me up at night. When I learned to concede
Speaker 1: control and focus on the things that I can control,
Speaker 1: I became more productive for myself, which ultimately helped me
Speaker 1: become more productive for my family and my friends. And
Speaker 1: I think to me that was the most powerful thing
Speaker 1: about learning to concede control is that you really can
Speaker 1: control only what you can put your hands on. So
Speaker 1: even if someone comes to you. This is a perfect example.
Speaker 1: Kay likes to come to me and say, Hey, which
Speaker 1: dress do you like? The black one of the red one.
Speaker 1: I know for a fact that I'm gonna pick the
Speaker 1: red one because the red one is my favorite color.
Speaker 3: So I go by about like the red one. Then
Speaker 3: she gives me every reason in the.
Speaker 1: World why I should pick the black one, and I say,
Speaker 1: I like the red one, and she says, Okay, goes
Speaker 1: in the room, comes out wearing a black one, and
Speaker 1: I said, why you got on the black dress cade?
Speaker 1: And she goes, oh, it goes on my shoes. And
Speaker 1: I said, well, if you knew you was gonna wear
Speaker 1: what you wanted to wear, why did you ask me?
Speaker 1: And that used to bother me. Now, okay, hey, which
Speaker 1: one do you like? The black one of the red one? Babe?
Speaker 3: Which one do you want to wear?
Speaker 2: Can I let you in a little thing that I've learned?
Speaker 1: All right? Let me learn, because I mean gave.
Speaker 2: Up, gave I know, I get it, and now I
Speaker 2: really genuinely only ask your opinion about something if I
Speaker 2: genuinely don't know, And I could go either way.
Speaker 1: If they're appreciate that, because that annoys the fuck out
Speaker 1: of me when I tell you exactly what I want
Speaker 1: to wear and you wear the opposite.
Speaker 2: If there's a bit of an inkling that I might
Speaker 2: be leaning one way, I'm gonna just go that way.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you for that.
Speaker 3: Don't waste neither one of.
Speaker 2: Our time because there's no point in it. That's so funny,
Speaker 2: And I feel like a lot of women do that
Speaker 2: because I think I've even seen a meme that someone posted.
Speaker 2: It's just like you know, asking my wife asking me
Speaker 2: what to wear, and then I ended up wearing whatever
Speaker 2: she decided on.
Speaker 1: Anyway, there are a lot of things that can be
Speaker 1: related to gender that a lot of people don't want
Speaker 1: to admit, but it's the truth. For example, I watch,
Speaker 1: like all of my friends that have girls, I watch
Speaker 1: them with their daughters. Right, I watch them, baby, what
Speaker 1: do you want to eat?
Speaker 2: Don't know?
Speaker 1: And if they're constantly asking this little girl, she's three,
Speaker 1: she don't know what she wants to eat, and then
Speaker 1: they take them on this journey.
Speaker 3: If going to pick this and try that?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: But they sons eat this?
Speaker 1: And what is what's really teaching me is that we
Speaker 1: are all conditioned from young to be the way we
Speaker 1: are and the way you know how we say. There
Speaker 1: are no such things as gender norms. Those gender norms
Speaker 1: wear their ugly heads from the time we're really really small.
Speaker 1: Even you my young kids that have daughters, if they fall,
Speaker 1: you watch how everybody runs to them when they fall
Speaker 1: to pick them up. And what is sometimes what they say?
Speaker 1: Who did that to you? Who make you fall? Then
Speaker 1: the baby point is somebody who was nowhere there, and
Speaker 1: then they fake run over to that person, hit them.
Speaker 1: You made that baby for they do that to.
Speaker 2: Little girls exactly. And then when boys do you accept accountability?
Speaker 2: Little three year old?
Speaker 1: When my sons fail? This is that? What happened when
Speaker 1: the kids? When the when the boys fall or something,
Speaker 1: what's the first thing that happens? I told you stop running.
Speaker 1: They get reprimanded immediately. So it's just two learned behaviors,
Speaker 1: and then they grow on and we expect these learned
Speaker 1: behaviors to know how to am amicably get along. When
Speaker 1: it's like the boy is like, wait a minute, my
Speaker 1: whole life I was told to take accountability, and but
Speaker 1: your whole life you was coddled. So now we're together
Speaker 1: and you fall, and I'm trying to tell you to
Speaker 1: take accountability, but you want to be coddled. Now we
Speaker 1: have two grown people who are trying to keep control
Speaker 1: over what they think is the right way, which realistically
Speaker 1: there is no right way in life.
Speaker 3: You have to meet with your partner where they are.
Speaker 2: It's interesting, you say, because I think about a couple
Speaker 2: of friends who come to mind who have daughters, some
Speaker 2: only daughters, and a couple daughters and sons come on,
Speaker 2: and the way that a lot of their daughters are like.
Speaker 1: Unruly, come on, I see it.
Speaker 2: I've been around a couple of people and I'm just
Speaker 2: like wow, And they're people who I would have expected
Speaker 2: hearing different.
Speaker 1: You would have never guess.
Speaker 2: I would have been like, oh, I thought they had
Speaker 2: have had everybody on the straight and narrow, and then
Speaker 2: their daughters are just hanging from the rafters and I'm like, oh, wow,
Speaker 2: that's very, very different than what I thought. And I've
Speaker 2: even seen on the reverse side a son who was
Speaker 2: coddled and then the effects of how he and.
Speaker 1: You see and you see what happens when the boy
Speaker 1: who's cot And what do they say when a young
Speaker 1: boy is caddle like a little girl and he grows
Speaker 1: up to act a certain way, what do they say
Speaker 1: he acting like like a mama's boy, like a bitch.
Speaker 1: But the truth is is like when a boy grows
Speaker 1: up and he's kind of like a girl, and we
Speaker 1: look down on it, you should ask yourself, why do
Speaker 1: we caddle little girls that way? Like? It's not fair
Speaker 1: to ask, and it's not a boy versus girl thing.
Speaker 1: It's not fair to coddle any little person, never expect
Speaker 1: them to accept accountability, and then when they grow up,
Speaker 1: be like, why are you act this way? You made
Speaker 1: them this way. And if you caddle little girls, they
Speaker 1: grow up to be brats. You caught a little boys,
Speaker 1: they grow up to be mama's boys, you know. And
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is, and I know that's
Speaker 1: a completely different topic, but when you learn as an
Speaker 1: adult how to concede all of the things that you
Speaker 1: were taught growing up, because now you realize I'm an
Speaker 1: adult and maybe the things that were learned behaviors were
Speaker 1: not the best for me. It's a powerful thing that
Speaker 1: you can open up your mind to different things, you know,
Speaker 1: seeing the world differently, a different perspective for me and
Speaker 1: our relationship. It seems like the minute I learned to
Speaker 1: concede for a little bit and just say, well, let
Speaker 1: me just try to understand, you know, let me not
Speaker 1: be right, let me not prove that I'm the smarter person,
Speaker 1: let me not prove that I know what I'm talking
Speaker 1: about is she don't let me just understand where she's
Speaker 1: coming from. And it's like, wow, so it's not that
Speaker 1: I'm right or wrong. It's not that you're right or wrong.
Speaker 1: It's just from where you're sitting and you see that
Speaker 1: that's why you made that decision. Okay, I can get
Speaker 1: hit with that. Let's understant's let me understand why that is.
Speaker 1: Let's unpack that right now.
Speaker 2: Let me come over there and sit from your possessive
Speaker 2: and see what it looks like.
Speaker 3: And that's what conceding does.
Speaker 2: Right. And then I think, although it's not a matter
Speaker 2: of who's right or wrong, there is a way to
Speaker 2: admit fault or admits and say you know what, So
Speaker 2: a couple of ways to admit that you're wrong. You
Speaker 2: can just sincerely apologize, and it really means like sincerely apologize,
Speaker 2: like understanding, not being like yeah, use right whatever and
Speaker 2: the walk away. It's actually understanding letting your partner know
Speaker 2: how your actions have affected that.
Speaker 1: That's important.
Speaker 2: You can also explain your thought process behind your actions,
Speaker 2: but never make excuses. And I think that's the thing
Speaker 2: I had to work on because I used to do
Speaker 2: the first part. I used to try to explain my
Speaker 2: process but then also use it as an excuse as
Speaker 2: to why. And I was like, just because you punched
Speaker 2: me in the face doesn't mean and you say sorry
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that I gotta be okay with it, you
Speaker 2: know that. Not that I've done that, but that was
Speaker 2: just what analogy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the analogy was with the even if, like, for example,
Speaker 1: Ky punched me in the eye, right, and I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: why you punched me in the eye so well, there
Speaker 1: was a fly on your eye. Yeah, but it still hurts.
Speaker 1: I don't care for her. There was a fly on
Speaker 1: your eye, so I punched it. It's like that type
Speaker 1: of response is what we're talking about. You could have
Speaker 1: easily said and this never happened. Guys, you said, babe,
Speaker 1: I saw a fly in your eye. I wanted to
Speaker 1: get it. I reacted really fast. I punched you. I
Speaker 1: realized it hurt. I won't do that again. I realized
Speaker 1: that it affected you, and I'm sorry. Let me keep
Speaker 1: it right. That's that's way different than there was a
Speaker 1: fly on your eye. Punched it. Get over it right,
Speaker 1: The swelling will go down. I said sorry. That's another
Speaker 1: thing when someone says stuff like I know what, but
Speaker 1: I said sorry, get over it. It's sorry.
Speaker 3: Don't mean shit nowt me punching on your eye.
Speaker 2: Know exactly exactly. Let me reciprocate and listen to your
Speaker 2: partner to be open and receiving criticism that it may
Speaker 2: come with. Is there anything that you've learned I guess
Speaker 2: over the course of our relationship. I know control is
Speaker 2: one thing that you say you learned to concede. Is
Speaker 2: there anything else that you feel like? You know what?
Speaker 2: Kadeen is better equipped, so let me just allow her
Speaker 2: to do that. And because I feel like there's a
Speaker 2: lot of things that you just at now, your response
Speaker 2: to me is whatever you want to do, babe, Yes,
Speaker 2: whatever you want to do. And sometimes when you say
Speaker 2: that to me, I kind of wonder. I'm like, is
Speaker 2: he just trying to like patronize me, or is he
Speaker 2: trying to be funny or what? And you genuinely be like, no,
Speaker 2: I like whatever you want to do, because I don't
Speaker 2: have the capacity or I do I care enough about
Speaker 2: this in this moment to make a decision.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give all couples, business partners, friends a
Speaker 1: pro tip right pause. If it's not important enough to you,
Speaker 1: it down and waste brain function making a decision, allow
Speaker 1: someone else to make the decision.
Speaker 3: Seriously, excuse me.
Speaker 1: Use discernment with who you allowed to make decisions for
Speaker 1: you right, So when it comes to Kadeen, I will
Speaker 1: allow Kadeen to make decisions for me. But it's only
Speaker 1: because I trust and value that the decision she's making,
Speaker 1: she's putting the necessary amount of effort into it. So
Speaker 1: many people just want to make the final decision on
Speaker 1: every single thing, even things that have nothing to do
Speaker 1: with them, and it's a waste of time and energy,
Speaker 1: especially if you're not equipped emotionally, physically, mentally to handle
Speaker 1: whatever that decision is. Let it, just let it go,
Speaker 1: just let it, let it be, leave well enough alone.
Speaker 1: And I used to do that all the time.
Speaker 3: Remember we used to.
Speaker 1: Make decisions, and for example, traveling, I always used to
Speaker 1: want to decide what time we leave, when we get
Speaker 1: in there, what airline? And then after a while it
Speaker 1: was just like why do I I don't I don't care.
Speaker 1: All I want to know is that we're getting there safely.
Speaker 2: I'll take it back to even our wedding. Daval was like,
Speaker 2: I want to know what colors we're doing. I want
Speaker 2: these colors. I want the wedding to be all red
Speaker 2: I want. And I was like, Bro, do you really
Speaker 2: care about this or do you just want to make
Speaker 2: the decision and have the control. And this is so
Speaker 2: I wasn't sure what was.
Speaker 1: I cared because I cared for my voice and my
Speaker 1: family to be represented at the wedding. So I cared
Speaker 1: because it was said to me as a man, men
Speaker 1: or men often get pushed aside when it comes to weddings.
Speaker 1: So to be honest, I was pledging allegiance to my
Speaker 1: gender and saying in that moment, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be dismissed just because I'm a man. Did I really
Speaker 1: care that much?
Speaker 3: Absolutely fucking not.
Speaker 1: I did not care. I didn't even want to have
Speaker 1: that big bro. I didn't want to have that big
Speaker 1: ass wedding first of all. But the truth is, if
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a big ass wedding, everything ain't gonna
Speaker 1: just be yellow because I got to be in that
Speaker 1: motherfucker my favorite colors red, so I stood ten tools
Speaker 1: down on red. But to be honest, I did not
Speaker 1: care that much. And if I was doing it all
Speaker 1: over again, I would say, Babe, do whatever you want
Speaker 1: to do. This is the budget though, so we're not
Speaker 1: going over this. This is the budget. Let me know
Speaker 1: what time to be there, and I'm be in a
Speaker 1: good move wearing whatever it is, because now that I
Speaker 1: think about it, it didn't really matter to me. It was
Speaker 1: everybody telling me that it shouldn't matter. Yeah, And that's
Speaker 1: part of the problem too with conceding, right, Sometimes you
Speaker 1: don't concede because everyone else is telling you you're supposed
Speaker 1: to fight for that, and then you get done with it,
Speaker 1: and you like, I fought for that, and I don't.
Speaker 1: I still don't care.
Speaker 2: You actually fell right into what I was going to
Speaker 2: say because I asked you the question, so I had
Speaker 2: what my thing was that I was conceding to in
Speaker 2: a relationship, and you kind of fell right into it.
Speaker 2: First off, before I go on to that, and wanted
Speaker 2: to be clear that Deval said that we could do
Speaker 2: it again, and he's just telling what time to get.
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not conceding.
Speaker 2: Get a budget, give me the budget. It again.
Speaker 3: We can do it again with ten dollars. You find
Speaker 3: a way to do it ten dollars and then we
Speaker 3: can do it.
Speaker 2: Go ahead, good thing, I have a savings I'll taking
Speaker 2: ten dollars.
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying, guys, this is why this
Speaker 3: is why.
Speaker 1: You can't That's what it is.
Speaker 2: But you fell into that by saying, now, my biggest
Speaker 2: thing that I've conceded too in the relationship is conceding
Speaker 2: to everything I thought based on what everybody else said
Speaker 2: a marriage should be, completely throwing all of that out
Speaker 2: the window.
Speaker 3: You just threw it out.
Speaker 2: I just threw it all out because I'm like, why
Speaker 2: am I listening to people who are in completely broken
Speaker 2: or fractured relationships, who are severely unhappy, who didn't even
Speaker 2: have a conversation with me before I got married to
Speaker 2: prep me on what the heck tics point? I'm like,
Speaker 2: why am I even leaning on those everlasting arms because
Speaker 2: they broke proth arms? Lasting?
Speaker 1: About that just gave me?
Speaker 2: Oh did I?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: I wonderful. I'm glad I did that for you. But like, literally, guys,
Speaker 2: I've learned that conceding to everything I had even in
Speaker 2: my mind about what I should be as a wife,
Speaker 2: even as a mom. It's like on the job training.
Speaker 2: Once you get there and you actually speak to your coworker,
Speaker 2: you know, my partner here, deval, and see exactly what
Speaker 2: it is that he needs and requires. That's when things
Speaker 2: completely skyrocketed and got better for us. And over time,
Speaker 2: I will say, because one thing my parents made was
Speaker 2: a hard head, and I'll admit that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you you definitely hard headed.
Speaker 1: And the truth of the matter is, though, I mean,
Speaker 1: that's partly what turned me on.
Speaker 3: I don't, first of all, pause that can't.
Speaker 1: Be turned on my hardhead. That's mad suck, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is is the fact that you
Speaker 1: were like unwavering in your ideas really like intrigued me
Speaker 1: as an eighteen year old because I never wanted to
Speaker 1: be able a pushover. I always wanted to be with
Speaker 1: someone who challenge and popular thought challenged me because I
Speaker 1: knew that that created growth. Right. It's the whole iron
Speaker 1: sharpens iron thing. It's like, if every night I'm going
Speaker 1: home to someone who's gonna sharpen me or make me
Speaker 1: think about something, I just knew it would make me
Speaker 1: a better person. So I also want to say to people,
Speaker 1: like learning how to concede when you've married someone who
Speaker 1: you know is not going to concede easily, it's very
Speaker 1: difficult to do. But if you learn how to work
Speaker 1: within this relationship of conceding things that don't matter to
Speaker 1: you and putting your energy towards the things that do
Speaker 1: your relationship can really skyrocket because imagine two people, rather
Speaker 1: than spending energy arguing to be right, just really focusing
Speaker 1: on what I can do in my relationship to better
Speaker 1: me and my partner. Imagine two people working in synergy
Speaker 1: to do that.
Speaker 2: Folks, conscious effort.
Speaker 1: Like that's an unlosable force like I have. I feel
Speaker 1: like I have no blonde spots. You know, because even
Speaker 1: when we travel, the things you focus on, I'm never
Speaker 1: worried about that. I'm well focused on. I got all
Speaker 1: four kids, We have all the bags. You be checking
Speaker 1: and seeing like, Okay, where are we going? Who is
Speaker 1: this person? I'm not worried about who the taxi is.
Speaker 1: My wife for got that. I got all four and
Speaker 1: I got all thirty seven bags, and I'm good.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Little people in bags the
Speaker 2: val Quis shack up and thank God for Jackson. Now
Speaker 2: he's old enough to where he literally is corralling everybody
Speaker 2: with us.
Speaker 1: What's my favorite thing? When we in the airport. Once
Speaker 1: I get everything, what I tell the boys, Hey, let's
Speaker 1: go inside.
Speaker 2: Order They look like the Wi Fi signals.
Speaker 1: From letter Koda, be cash the Chiro. Because I need
Speaker 1: the oldest ones to have eyes on the but I
Speaker 1: was able to create that thing for us as a
Speaker 1: family because you created the whole itinerary.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: And that's a perfect example. People say to us all
Speaker 1: the time traveling, how with four kids no security, like,
Speaker 1: are y'all able to just walk around? And I said,
Speaker 1: because I have my tasks? She asked, task, and we
Speaker 1: don't argue like I watch people in the airport with
Speaker 1: arguing over simple things and I'm.
Speaker 2: Having meltdowns in the process too, and be like man.
Speaker 1: Man, I'm like man. And sometimes I look at my
Speaker 1: wife and I'll be like, thank God, I don't have
Speaker 1: one of those. And when I say one of those
Speaker 1: is one of those people who just for example, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to out them because I don't know if
Speaker 1: they listen to podcasts, but people that we just met,
Speaker 1: they have three kids, two really really young ones and
Speaker 1: one that's like Kiro's age, and I watched them all.
Speaker 1: They gonna say where I watch them because we all
Speaker 1: be together watch them. And the mom asked the dad
Speaker 1: to help with something. And rather than the dad in
Speaker 1: this moment, because I was watching him, he was literally
Speaker 1: doing nothing, just saying, yo, let me just do this
Speaker 1: to help that why is it that every time I
Speaker 1: get a moment and I'm like, y'all really about to
Speaker 1: have a whole argument, and this child is in need,
Speaker 1: this child needs to be serviced, and them two were
Speaker 1: arguing about who was going to service the child because
Speaker 1: it was supposed to be the mom's task, but the
Speaker 1: mom was taking care.
Speaker 3: They have two that are almost under two.
Speaker 1: They were having another child that was having like a
Speaker 1: true breakdown in the middle of where we were, and
Speaker 1: rather than them handling the.
Speaker 2: Two children, they were doing for it.
Speaker 1: And they were standing ten toes down, and to be
Speaker 1: honest listening to it, both of them had valid points.
Speaker 1: The father was like, Yo, this was supposed to be
Speaker 1: my task. I'm literally doing what you told me I
Speaker 1: was supposed to do. And in that moment, the mom
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, but do you not see that I
Speaker 1: need help? And am I supposed to just say let
Speaker 1: me juggle all of this? And I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what. She kind of got a point, but he
Speaker 1: kind of. But now, no, I did not jump into
Speaker 1: help because I don't like stepping on toes when it's
Speaker 1: married people. There's another thing I learned too. You let
Speaker 1: married people go through married people's stuff. Don't ever interject
Speaker 1: and try to be like, well, I's no, you.
Speaker 2: Don't know what I mean last year.
Speaker 1: That argument probably started ten years ago when they was
Speaker 1: in college, saying she probably related a task to him,
Speaker 1: and from then he used to know this is going
Speaker 1: to come back and this was.
Speaker 2: His moment and this was his time to shine.
Speaker 1: But I remember us going through that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, all had moments at games times.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to watch Jackson and I was like, you
Speaker 1: said you was going to do this, and now we
Speaker 1: end up missing it because we're arguing over these too.
Speaker 2: Because I was like, why don't you leave the two
Speaker 2: little ones with your mom? And I'm like, no, it's
Speaker 2: a family day. Oh my gosh, oh my, I'm glad
Speaker 2: you look at accountability walking through the door. Hello, Kadeen Ellis.
Speaker 2: It was probably like your Lee's favorite thing ever in
Speaker 2: life was to take all the kids, especially when Kiro
Speaker 2: and Katz were the two under two, taking everybody anywhere,
Speaker 2: and I was like, but it's a family day. We
Speaker 2: can't leave half of the family behind.
Speaker 1: Before were going break because we're gonna have to get
Speaker 1: a break. That used to be one of my biggest
Speaker 1: pet peeves. And one used the biggest thing I used
Speaker 1: to stay in ten toes down on. I used to
Speaker 1: be like, yo, we not I'm not taking all of
Speaker 1: these kids to a restaurant. I'm not taking all these
Speaker 1: kids to a game because I'm gonna be the one
Speaker 1: having to take them to the bathroom, taking the concession stands.
Speaker 1: And Kate will be like, no, baby, you don't have
Speaker 1: to because I don't have it. And then you know
Speaker 1: what happens. We'll get to a game. One will fall
Speaker 1: asleep in her arms and she'll be tapping me and
Speaker 1: I'm like what she'd be like, so and so I
Speaker 1: got to go to the bathroom, and I just look
Speaker 1: at her like I'm like, it's the fourth quarter, our
Speaker 1: oldest son right now about to drop twelve points to
Speaker 1: win the game, and you want me to take this
Speaker 1: one to the bathroom. And She'll be like fine, I'll
Speaker 1: take them, And then now she's trying to juggle it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, forget it. I'll go take the one. We run.
Speaker 1: I come back Jackson and here the game winner. I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: did you catch you? Said? I missed it on my
Speaker 1: phone because I was holding and I'm just pissed now Kate,
Speaker 1: don't be standing in ten toes down. I'll be like, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm going to j the game. I'm not taking these kids.
Speaker 1: Kate be like, I'm not having this argument with you. Well,
Speaker 1: I go with the game. K will show up later
Speaker 1: with one mate and she'll be like, cash only one snacks.
Speaker 1: You're not fucking this up for me. The code are
Speaker 1: gonna have to get this pot change. You stay with
Speaker 1: me and me and then we'll just take the older ones.
Speaker 1: But that is a perfect example how we've learned to
Speaker 1: concede yes and just you know, flow like water, baby,
Speaker 1: you know, flow like water, like water, like water.
Speaker 2: All Right, y'all, let's take a quick break and go
Speaker 2: pay some bills and we're going to come back and
Speaker 2: get into listening Letters. Let's pay and bills and we'll
Speaker 2: be back. Take care of y'all. All right, we're back,
Speaker 2: and let's dive right into listener letter. That was a
Speaker 2: really great episode so far. Ye talk about some good stuff.
Speaker 2: Now let me see what y'all got going on today. Okay, Hey,
Speaker 2: getting into val I want to start off by saying,
Speaker 2: I love you guys so much, and you're a huge
Speaker 2: inspiration to me. I love how you guys love each
Speaker 2: other and how transparent you are with y'all's process and
Speaker 2: sharing what works for you. So kudos to you guys.
Speaker 2: Thank you. All right. I'm twenty five and I've been
Speaker 2: married to my husband for six years. Y'all nineteen okay,
Speaker 2: and he's twenty eight, so I get married at eighteen,
Speaker 2: all right. Up until twenty twenty three. Up until twenty
Speaker 2: twenty three, we were long distance because we both were
Speaker 2: in the military. We're both out now because we agree
Speaker 2: that we needed to work on marriage because there's a
Speaker 2: huge strain. And this year we've been together full time
Speaker 2: and it's been hard. Lol. We've been actively communicating, telling
Speaker 2: each other our feelings and having to face them head
Speaker 2: on instead of I'll talk to you later like we
Speaker 2: would do long distance on the phone.
Speaker 1: It's perfect.
Speaker 2: He started to give our relationship a time frame that
Speaker 2: we're not happy. If we're not happy by August twenty
Speaker 2: twenty five, when I finished nursing school, then we should
Speaker 2: call it because it would it meant that we would
Speaker 2: have been working our relationship for two and two plus years.
Speaker 1: That's hilarious. It's been two years of this shit.
Speaker 2: I'm remember I told y out twenty two years and.
Speaker 3: Years and we're still working.
Speaker 2: The work never ends, baby. I personally don't think timelines
Speaker 2: are necessary because I feel like that makes him look
Speaker 2: forward to a potential end date. And if you really
Speaker 2: want the marriage, why put a date in time to
Speaker 2: the end. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal for
Speaker 2: married couples to feel like it won't work at some point? Yes,
Speaker 2: aside from the comment, he has been actively trying. But
Speaker 2: since y'all have been met in the marriage game longer,
Speaker 2: I figured I could give him a different perspective because
Speaker 2: homeboy has severe tunnel vision on his thinking.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 2: By the way, we have a two year old and
Speaker 2: a one year old. Oh come on, chiall two one, two,
Speaker 2: and y'all know we're big on the I know y'all
Speaker 2: are big on the postpartum stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yo, yo, This this one easy, bro, Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: this is.
Speaker 2: Real easy now swimming in that postpartum life.
Speaker 1: So women in it two and one right, they don't
Speaker 1: have and they're not out numbers yet, but they have
Speaker 1: both have a responsibility, yes, And they're both living together
Speaker 1: full time for the first.
Speaker 2: Hard time, and they've been together since they were nice.
Speaker 1: They were nineteen So think about this. Y'all been together
Speaker 1: since you were nineteen and twenty two, right you were kids.
Speaker 1: Your six years you're starting to develop and become who
Speaker 1: you want to be, right, So in those twenties is
Speaker 1: where you learn the things you don't really know it
Speaker 1: in nineteen yes, so you committed to someone you didn't know.
Speaker 1: Right now you're getting to know someone while having the
Speaker 1: stresses of two under two, while having the stresses of
Speaker 1: both retiring from the military, while both living in the
Speaker 1: same house at the same time for most of your time.
Speaker 1: That's difficult. We've seen this with a lot of our
Speaker 1: friends who retire from the NFL, NBA, or play pro sports. Right,
Speaker 1: the husband typically is out all the time, seasons, He's
Speaker 1: gone for months at a time. Woman creates a whole
Speaker 1: program for the system for her and the kids. She
Speaker 1: at home doing her thing in bow. He retires, this
Speaker 1: is gonna be great. Dad is going to be home
Speaker 1: to help Da da da Dad come home. Whole system
Speaker 1: fucked up. And the reason why I'm telling you that
Speaker 1: is because you probably think, now our marriage is terrible.
Speaker 1: It's just our marriage. We're the ones having to have conversations. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's every marriage. I have yet to see one successful
Speaker 1: marriage that said, yeah, we got married fifteen years ago.
Speaker 1: We never argued, we had our kids, everything was perfectly fine.
Speaker 1: We never had no financial issues. I love my wife,
Speaker 1: We have sex every day, she loves me. We hold hands,
Speaker 1: and we look at rainbows. That's just not the reality.
Speaker 1: It's not and I'm not saying that in a daunting way.
Speaker 1: I'm saying that in twenty two years of being with
Speaker 1: this woman as my best friend, right, there have been
Speaker 1: times where we really did not like each other, but
Speaker 1: we loved each other so much that we fell in love.
Speaker 1: With the process of trying to be better, yes, and
Speaker 1: to give yourself while in postpartum until August twenty twenty five,
Speaker 1: I know you're gonna fail because if y'all stay together
Speaker 1: ten years from now, it's gonna be something else you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to work on. So I wouldn't put a
Speaker 1: termination date. I would say August twenty fifth. Let's try
Speaker 1: to find a solution by then, and if we haven't
Speaker 1: found a solution, let's pivot and try something different.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's what I would say.
Speaker 2: I see, that's a good point that you made. It's
Speaker 2: like not the termination, but like, Okay, we've tried this
Speaker 2: particular method, maybe the next method. By August twenty twenty
Speaker 2: five is in walks of therapists and you guys are
Speaker 2: going to couples therapy, you know, or the kids are
Speaker 2: that much older, so we're kind of a little bit
Speaker 2: more out of the postpartum woods. Or when I finished
Speaker 2: nursing school, so you went from the military, the nursing school,
Speaker 2: you're in nurse doing everything, just starting to live together.
Speaker 2: You have two kids under two, Like, there are a
Speaker 2: lot of variables that are stacked. And I don't want
Speaker 2: to say against you, because this is your life, but
Speaker 2: there are very a lot of variables that are against
Speaker 2: against their aggression and your happiness.
Speaker 1: Because remember when it was just them, they probably were
Speaker 1: their happiest, right, And then they have two kids, and
Speaker 1: then you have retirement, then you have nursing school, then
Speaker 1: you have postpartus absolutely, and you have hormones. Like the
Speaker 1: truth is this cycle you're in won't be family, It.
Speaker 2: Won't be forever. That was us with Jackson at five,
Speaker 2: and then we had caroenkas back to back and there
Speaker 2: were so many moments when we lived in that Brooklyn
Speaker 2: apartment where both of us were just like, so, how
Speaker 2: can we copare if we didn't make this work? Do
Speaker 2: you do you.
Speaker 1: Remember when I think it was the last podcast, I
Speaker 1: just said there was a moment right after two after
Speaker 1: that that was our lowest moment in our relationship. What
Speaker 1: intimacy was the lowest? I think it was twenty and
Speaker 1: eighteen nineteen A wanted.
Speaker 2: Jackson like that first five years of the marriage that
Speaker 2: we had issues and that was just also new married people.
Speaker 2: And then yes, after Cairo, after the.
Speaker 1: Tour, under two really did a number on us because
Speaker 1: we feel like we couldn't get out left footing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, very much like a hamster wheel of like yeah,
Speaker 2: but like not moving forward.
Speaker 1: So at the time I didn't know how much sleep
Speaker 1: deprivation not only did a number on K but did
Speaker 1: a number on me as well. So emotionally, you just
Speaker 1: don't have the patience you typically have.
Speaker 2: Is like short, yeah, short, and your using short for
Speaker 2: everybody like your kids, your spouse, your family. Yeah, there's
Speaker 2: a lot going on here. So I think you guys,
Speaker 2: like I really wish you the best and I hope
Speaker 2: you guys can stay the course and stick it out.
Speaker 2: I think ultimately, what it boils down to the val
Speaker 2: and I lasted twenty two years is like you said,
Speaker 2: my best friend, like I cannot envision and don't want
Speaker 2: to ever envision life without him, whatever that looks like.
Speaker 2: Even if we are in a tough spot rut, That's
Speaker 2: what has pulled us through these through twenty two years,
Speaker 2: is the fact that we literally cannot see life without
Speaker 2: each other. And I want you guys to kind of
Speaker 2: think of it that way too, Like can I imagine
Speaker 2: having his life?
Speaker 1: Don't kind of tell them the truth. We're not wishing
Speaker 1: well wishes, y'all will do it, because if you both
Speaker 1: want to do it, it will get done. It's that simple.
Speaker 1: You don't have to wish and hope and pray pray.
Speaker 1: It without works is dead. If you both want to
Speaker 1: beat with each other, got to put the work in.
Speaker 1: You gotta put the work in and do it over time.
Speaker 1: Don't expect it to be a year from now, this motherfucker. No,
Speaker 1: a year from now, it might be something else. Slap
Speaker 1: on the ass and baby, let's figure this out and
Speaker 1: let's move it on. Like that to me is why life.
Speaker 1: I enjoy life now. Problems come right and a lot
Speaker 1: of times problems come and people like, damn, look at
Speaker 1: this another problem. You know why I look at a
Speaker 1: problem Sometimes I say, what a great opportunity. I see
Speaker 1: problems as opportunities. What an amazing opportunity for Kadeen and
Speaker 1: I to work on ourselves to get over this together,
Speaker 1: so that on the other end of it, you can
Speaker 1: give each other four like when I see stuff come up,
Speaker 1: like that same thing with Jackson, when Jackson has an issue,
Speaker 1: he missed a game winner, he missed a free throw,
Speaker 1: his leg hurting, What a wonderful opportunity to say, Yo,
Speaker 1: your leg is hurting. How can we get through this
Speaker 1: for the rest of the season so that when you
Speaker 1: get to the NBA you know how to deal with
Speaker 1: that exactly. You know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there we go. All you guys, you got it,
Speaker 2: you got it, you got it number two. Go take
Speaker 2: it away, baby.
Speaker 1: Hello, Kadeen and Daval. I'm writing to you guys to
Speaker 1: give an update on my situation.
Speaker 2: You guys say, okay, let's go okay.
Speaker 1: I wrote to you a while ago. I was a
Speaker 1: guy who tried multiple attempts to marry my girl. Oh
Speaker 1: I remember, tried to take her to I can't even
Speaker 1: pronounce this. VIC quest via Kisco she said, no, etcetera. Okays, sorry,
Speaker 1: all my gas. I try to take her to viks
Speaker 1: Puerto Rico, she said, no, etcetera. Well, since then we separated,
Speaker 1: she decided to get her own place with her kids,
Speaker 1: says she still wants to date. We still go out,
Speaker 1: go on trips and do what couples do, quote unquote,
Speaker 1: but we don't necessarily have the title of a couple.
Speaker 1: It at first had me confused, because on one hand,
Speaker 1: she's telling me to go out there and see if
Speaker 1: there's someone who has all I want. I thought this
Speaker 1: was her way of telling me she wants a date also,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't that. As one, she gave me keys
Speaker 1: to her new place. I believe belonging. I believe belongings, Daly, oh,
Speaker 1: I leave belongings there. And two, I overheard her speaking
Speaker 1: to her friends about how she wants space for herself
Speaker 1: and it's not interested in getting to know someone else.
Speaker 1: If she should get an itch, I'm her choice to scratch. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll get on this smashing them. Jeez a little bit.
Speaker 1: My first separation had me real fucked up. I never
Speaker 1: once begged her to come back or change her mind.
Speaker 1: I helped her and her kids a situation, and I
Speaker 1: fought my battles alone. I didn't ask her for the
Speaker 1: ring back as badly as I wanted to. He actually
Speaker 1: wears the ring on the right hand, which I don't
Speaker 1: know if she knows Europeans where their wedding rings on
Speaker 1: that hand. But anyway, but I firmly believe everything happens
Speaker 1: for a reason, and us having time and part has
Speaker 1: helped us become better friends.
Speaker 3: We have a weird dynamic, but it works.
Speaker 2: It works.
Speaker 1: Most importantly, this has helped me focus better on what
Speaker 1: I want for myself and my future. I carried that
Speaker 1: fairy tale thought and that was partially my downfall. I'm
Speaker 1: glad you said that. Like I said, we have a
Speaker 1: different dynamic, as everyone does. There's no one route to
Speaker 1: life together exactly period. I help her when she needs
Speaker 1: it because we still have something quote unquote, but we
Speaker 1: don't focus on being a couple. Maybe I'll meet someone,
Speaker 1: maybe one day she will be my wife. Who knows.
Speaker 1: But what I do see is a better me in
Speaker 1: any situation, God himself for me. See, we just talked
Speaker 1: about this, brot don't want to take up too much time.
Speaker 3: So this is the update in the nutshell.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys for me.
Speaker 2: I am so so I want to give me four yes.
Speaker 2: So this is removing the relationship portion of your story
Speaker 2: and you talking about how you grew to be a
Speaker 2: better version of yourself, which is ultimately what Daval and
Speaker 2: I try to tell y'all day in and day out
Speaker 2: on this podcast. Work to be the better version of yourself,
Speaker 2: the best version of yourself that you can be prepared
Speaker 2: for when that person meets you and they become your person.
Speaker 2: Like I love to hear it, bro, thank you for
Speaker 2: the update. I love that you actually provided us with
Speaker 2: an update because so many times we think about randomly
Speaker 2: these love these listening to other stories and we're just like,
Speaker 2: I wonder whatever happened to such and such?
Speaker 1: So you know what, you know what stuck to me?
Speaker 1: What's that stuck out for me is that he stopped
Speaker 1: looking for the title and stopped saying what everybody is saying,
Speaker 1: this should be this, and just accepting what it is
Speaker 1: if he wants to live in that. He says it
Speaker 1: works for them, Yes, you know who? That matters to them?
Speaker 2: Them?
Speaker 1: You know who?
Speaker 3: It don't matter to the rest of us.
Speaker 1: Yep, your relationship doesn't have to be what other people
Speaker 1: wanted to look like.
Speaker 2: Yep, it doesn't have to be and it works for y'all.
Speaker 2: And that might have taken some of the pressure off
Speaker 2: her feeling like that he's trying to push for this
Speaker 2: title and push for this fairy tale that he has
Speaker 2: in his mind, where it kind of opened her up
Speaker 2: to just kind of exist and say, maybe I miss
Speaker 2: him a little bit, maybe I want to be with
Speaker 2: him a little bit, Maybe this is the guy for me.
Speaker 2: The process might be different.
Speaker 1: Remember we talked about not having obligations for each other
Speaker 1: and had I created a deeper connection because I knew
Speaker 1: you chose to be here and you knew I chose
Speaker 1: to be here for him. It made him happy to
Speaker 1: know that she still continued to choose to choose him. Yes,
Speaker 1: when she needed to scratch it, she still has her
Speaker 1: ring on. She gave him a key, so she's choosing
Speaker 1: to do these things. It made him more fulfilled than
Speaker 1: any title would have, because imagine if she accepted the
Speaker 1: title but still.
Speaker 2: Moved the way she was moving exactly some things.
Speaker 1: Sometimes titles are in everything they are, and you just
Speaker 1: have to do what's right for you. We don't know
Speaker 1: her trauma and what she's going through to make her
Speaker 1: feel like she wants a little bit of distance, but
Speaker 1: to keep him there. She could have been through anything,
Speaker 1: you know, for example, you know, finding out that my
Speaker 1: grandmother had been through some tumultuous stuff with my grandfather,
Speaker 1: and that was the choice.
Speaker 3: Literally, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: She made the right decisions for herself, and that met
Speaker 1: my Papa John.
Speaker 2: And they didn't have a title for years.
Speaker 1: They didn't and they weren't married, and they didn't live together. Yep.
Speaker 1: He lived up in Poughkeepsie. She lived in Brooklyn for years,
Speaker 1: like majority of my life. They didn't get married until
Speaker 1: I was grown. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think they maybe just celebrated like a tenth wedding anniversary. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and then he just turned eighty, so you know what
Speaker 2: I'm saying. So it definitely worked for them. I'm so
Speaker 2: happy for the update, brother thing man, thank you for
Speaker 2: feeling us. And I love to hear I love to
Speaker 2: keep living. I love to hear it.
Speaker 1: The last thing is keep doing what makes you happy,
Speaker 1: even in this situation. If after a while you realize
Speaker 1: you know what I want something more permanent. It's okay
Speaker 1: to be like, you know what, I think I'm to
Speaker 1: find it. You know that the time was, what the
Speaker 1: time was. I love the kids, I love you, but
Speaker 1: I want my own wife and I want my own kids.
Speaker 1: I think I'm going to go find that. That's okay
Speaker 1: as well.
Speaker 2: Great, that's great, all right, y'all. If you want to
Speaker 2: be featured as one of our listener letters, or if
Speaker 2: you want to give us an update from a previous
Speaker 2: listener letter. We even had a couple of listener letters
Speaker 2: that I heard, I've seen in the comments or someone
Speaker 2: has sent it to us, like I think I had
Speaker 2: an episode with I don't know if it was Jazzy
Speaker 2: or someone else, and they were like, we want to
Speaker 2: hear davous perspective on this listener letter, So right back in.
Speaker 2: If there's something that wasn't there, or if you want
Speaker 2: Davous perspective on a Day with K episode, write us
Speaker 2: back at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: And that's D E A D A S S A
Speaker 1: D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of truth time. We're talking about the
Speaker 2: power of conceding in a relationship and mine is pretty simple.
Speaker 2: I think that where accountability meets conceding in a relationship
Speaker 2: meets taking responsibility. Come on, that's where that was.
Speaker 3: Yours mine was where accountability meets maturity.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's a good one.
Speaker 1: That's where it was, and that's that's to me. We're
Speaker 1: conceding in a relations where accountability just.
Speaker 2: One dual moment moment truth.
Speaker 3: We both conceded and came up with the same moment.
Speaker 2: That see and figured it out along the way. But literally,
Speaker 2: for me, the biggest thing that I had to work
Speaker 2: through as an individual, as a person, it's the accountability
Speaker 2: portion of it and how that allowed me to freely
Speaker 2: concede within my relationship knowing that there's certain things that
Speaker 2: I am great at and I can lend into the relationship,
Speaker 2: and then there's certain things that I have to let
Speaker 2: Deval take care of or call for outside help or
Speaker 2: whatever the case may be. But me saying I just
Speaker 2: can't in this moment, and it's okay for me also
Speaker 2: so comfortable that I've done the wrong thing and I
Speaker 2: might have to pivot or Devot may have to come.
Speaker 1: In and save me, Like that's okay, that's what's up.
Speaker 1: I minds simple. I've learned to concede control as a
Speaker 1: man who who's grown up with an old school mentality,
Speaker 1: it's you know, you run your house, and you control
Speaker 1: list and you make sure. I've learned to be like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't have to control everything in
Speaker 1: order for us to be successful. And I've conceded a
Speaker 1: lot of control, and it's been to our advancement.
Speaker 3: You know, it's helped us thrive.
Speaker 1: So shout out to you for that, shout out to
Speaker 1: us for learning ourselves, and also shout out to our
Speaker 1: kids for having the patience to go through this with us.
Speaker 2: Because especially Jackson.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's the oldest. He's like the practice kid.
Speaker 2: You know. He gives us so much grace too, he does,
Speaker 2: and he has those random moments where he comes up
Speaker 2: and he's just like, Mom, I love you, give you
Speaker 2: a hug. Dad, I love it.
Speaker 1: He said. I'm gonna keep telling you that he tad
Speaker 1: this to me. Last night. I was sitting there after
Speaker 1: the whole hip thing and him him once again me
Speaker 1: being honest and be like, man, you know, Dad fucked up.
Speaker 1: You know I put a little bit too much on you.
Speaker 1: And he was just like, now, it's cool. You know,
Speaker 1: I love you Dad. You know you really be watching
Speaker 1: me and taking care of me. I said, I appreciate
Speaker 1: that he's I'm gonna keep telling you. I was like, damn.
Speaker 1: It made me feel good that he recognizes that I'm trying.
Speaker 1: But I'm also not afraid of saying I made a
Speaker 1: mistake exactly.
Speaker 2: And I think that's where the appreciation that like, yeah,
Speaker 2: that dual reciprocity that we have with him is like,
Speaker 2: it's great, It's great. All right, y'all, Keep on listening,
Speaker 2: keep on sharing. Be sure to follow us on Patreon
Speaker 2: to say exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content shout out
Speaker 2: to our Patreon gang gang. And if you are not
Speaker 2: following us on social media, where have you been? We
Speaker 2: have a whole last page on Instagram dead Ass the
Speaker 2: Podcast where you can see clips from other podcast episodes,
Speaker 2: past podcast episodes. We're going to keep posting on there
Speaker 2: and really cranking out all these episodes. You know, there
Speaker 2: might be a throwback Thursday or flashback Friday, so you
Speaker 2: can listen to an old episode that you might have missed,
Speaker 2: And you can follow me at Kadeen I am.
Speaker 3: And I Am Devout.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe,
Speaker 1: and pick up your copy of We over Meet, The
Speaker 1: counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want.
Speaker 2: It is release, It is down there, and it's Lady season. Y'all.
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