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Speaker 1: Sometimes in your relationship you have to decide do you

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Speaker 1: want to be right or do you want to unite

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Speaker 1: dead ass?

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Speaker 2: And in the battle of what could potentially be whose

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Speaker 2: life sucks more in that moment, Just know that sometimes

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Speaker 2: you gotta leave well enough alone, right, exactly the same

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Speaker 2: leave Yeah, Sometimes you gotta leave leave well enough alone, right, deadass. Hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm devoured and where the Ellis's.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with.

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Speaker 2: Our voys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 2: of therapy.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: And one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open

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Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Do the lens of a millennial married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts

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Speaker 1: one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

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Speaker 1: the truth. Were about to take Billot off to our

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Speaker 1: whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time, So I'm gonna take y'all back to shoot

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Speaker 1: shoot a couple weeks ago. Well, I'll start by going

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Speaker 1: back a couple months ago. Our oldest son, Jackson, is thirteen. Now,

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Speaker 1: he's at that that that crux in the road, you know,

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Speaker 1: that that fork where it's like either the kid is

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Speaker 1: going to go down the path or destruction or is

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Speaker 1: going to go down the path of prosperity.

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Speaker 2: And all depends on over my dead body, struck destruck,

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Speaker 2: your book, destruct.

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Speaker 1: Your book, And it all depends on how you prepared

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Speaker 1: the foundation you lay them going into you lay for

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Speaker 1: them going on to middle school. Yeah, paused that. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to lay your foundation for your son, but

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Speaker 1: I mean you do see why you got to grow up.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to be your parent. Grow up, grow up

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Speaker 1: really bad. Okay, It all depends on the foundation you

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Speaker 1: lay for your child going into middle school, because middle

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Speaker 1: school is where they pick up some habits. They're going

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Speaker 1: to spend a lot more time with their friends and

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Speaker 1: with other people and in school and in practice. So

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Speaker 1: you have to really, you know, hone in on who

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Speaker 1: they are as a person. So Jay moved here not

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Speaker 1: only as a basketball coach, but I needed Jay to

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Speaker 1: be here as.

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Speaker 3: An extension of me. When I'm not here.

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Speaker 1: You know, we grew up together in KENARISI he had

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Speaker 1: a very i would say, adventurous life that allowed him

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Speaker 1: to learn how to do things on the move and

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Speaker 1: to learn his his like navigate different situations using his

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Speaker 1: vision in his eyesight. I like to callote the third

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Speaker 1: eye because when you grow up in Brooklyn, you need

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Speaker 1: a third eye to exist. And he was homeless for

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Speaker 1: a matter of time, him and his mom as they

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Speaker 1: were trying to figure things out. But he's really like

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Speaker 1: street smart, So I felt like having him around Jackson

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Speaker 1: to mentor Jackson while I'm away filming and doing all

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Speaker 1: these things would just be a good thing because Jackson'll

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Speaker 1: have a big brother. So I bring Jay hair. Were like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: we're going to low Jackson up with so many things

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Speaker 1: to do during the day that he doesn't have time

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Speaker 1: to get distracted by bullshit. You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: Jackson said he wants to be a professional athlete. He

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Speaker 1: also said he wants to get into politics. He's at

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Speaker 1: that age where you know, he might want to be

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Speaker 1: a lawyer like he just so We're like, yo, we're

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Speaker 1: going to do everything, and then doing everything it meant

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Speaker 1: that for track, football, basketball, debate, tech. We had to

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Speaker 1: find the time. So Jay was like, yo, we're up

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Speaker 1: at five. Get him his first work out of six

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Speaker 1: in the morning. And I remember Kay looking at me like, dude,

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Speaker 1: six in the morning. He's twelve at the time, like

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Speaker 1: are you kidding me? And I'm just like, hey, he

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Speaker 1: wants to do these things. We have to teach him

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Speaker 1: a work ethics. So first couple of months he was

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Speaker 1: getting used to this six ams and he was a

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Speaker 1: little groggy, but he was starting to get to it.

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Speaker 1: But then he hurt his foot and after his foothurts like,

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Speaker 1: I hope you nurture you know, I study exercise physiology

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Speaker 1: and kinesiologies. I said, oh, it's a little pain here,

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Speaker 1: foot growing pain. Took him to the orthopedic. Orthopedic said

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Speaker 1: it's nothing, he can work through it. Got over the

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Speaker 1: foot injury, then his hip started hurting. Then after his

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Speaker 1: hip started hurting, I'm looking at him and he's limping

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Speaker 1: a little bit. I'm like, he is growing. He's getting

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Speaker 1: told maybe it's growing pains. So I put him through

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Speaker 1: a workout and I start stretching him pause and I

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Speaker 1: noticed he was flinching, and I'm like, that's not a

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Speaker 1: growing pain, knowing what I know about it, that's not

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Speaker 1: a growing pain, especially on that hip. Beside the hip,

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Speaker 1: his it band was tight, and I was like, I

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Speaker 1: think we might be overworking him because he don't have

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Speaker 1: enough time to sleep and rest. And I said in

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Speaker 1: this moment, because oh, and let me take y'all back,

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Speaker 1: take y'all back to two weeks prior. Kadeen has a

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Speaker 1: way of not saying things like most moms do, but

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Speaker 1: saying things with their eyebrows. So Jay is over here

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Speaker 1: and me and me and Jay are discussing, like what's

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Speaker 1: going to be the plan? And every time we say

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Speaker 1: something about, oh, you know what, because I kept trying

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Speaker 1: to make adjustments, and I kept saying, listen, you know,

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Speaker 1: if he does six ams maybe three times a week

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Speaker 1: rather than every day, he'll get those two days off

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Speaker 1: and Wednesday he gets to go to school a little later.

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Speaker 1: And this is all Kay kept doing with her eyebrows.

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Speaker 1: And I see her eyebrows with was touching her hairline.

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Speaker 2: For those of you listening, image, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So I'm looking at Can. I'm like, she's gonna have

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Speaker 3: something to say.

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Speaker 1: But I said to Casser, listen, I know this seemed

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Speaker 1: like a lot, but you've never been a professional athlete.

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Speaker 1: I said, I've been a professional athlete. I've trained professional athletes,

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Speaker 1: and Cae just said okay and then leave. Last week,

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Speaker 1: last week, Jackson hit was bothering him and I looked

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Speaker 1: at he was limping, and my soldier of her son

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Speaker 1: every time I asked him, how you feeling? Oh cool,

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Speaker 1: because he's been taught and nurture to fight through pain

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Speaker 1: and be tough and not show weakness as an athlete.

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Speaker 1: So I had to take a look at him and say,

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Speaker 1: you know what, now is the time where I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: have to concede and I'm gonna have to admit to

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Speaker 1: my wife.

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Speaker 3: Then I might have went overboard, And to be honest.

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Speaker 1: It was worth conceding because I didn't want my son

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Speaker 1: to be destructed by his father and his uncle because we,

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Speaker 1: you know, we were we were really trying to like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not making excuses

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Speaker 1: Jackson in middle school. I've seen so many kids go

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Speaker 1: from like the perfect person and then they get into

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Speaker 1: middle school and by the time they leave in middle school,

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Speaker 1: you're like, I don't know who the fuck that is.

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Speaker 2: You an I D We're just laughing into karaoke time, y'all, because.

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Speaker 1: This karaoke was inspired by what we watched last night,

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Speaker 1: because it was perfect. Every night, really really super late,

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Speaker 1: Kneena and I like to turn on BT and watch

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite TV shows. And if you know

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Speaker 1: what show this is, then you know this song I'm

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Speaker 1: about to sing you and I T wy you and

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Speaker 1: I T y. That's a Unity man. Come on, y'all

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Speaker 1: know that's from.

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Speaker 2: Name that show Baby Hello, which is crazy too because

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Speaker 2: I was just listening to Unity the other day because

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Speaker 2: we ran and ran ran to Queen. When we were

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Speaker 2: back home in New York. I was filming a day

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Speaker 2: with k Stuff and we just happened to be in

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Speaker 2: a park they were filming. They were doing Equalizer three

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Speaker 2: and yeah, it was right equalizing the TV show the

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Speaker 2: show Yes, and yeah, that was nice to bump into her.

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Speaker 2: So AnyWho, let's take a quick break and we're gonna

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Speaker 2: come back. There's lots of unpack here. I'll let you

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Speaker 2: tell your story. We're going to unpack the story and

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk more about the power of conceding

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Speaker 2: in a relationship. We'll be back y'all, all right, we're back.

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Speaker 2: As it relates to storytime, Yeah, I was definitely just

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Speaker 2: kind of sitting back with my mom eyes watching what

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Speaker 2: was happening with Jackson. And the reason why I said

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Speaker 2: something to you initially about the early mornings was because, well,

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Speaker 2: first I thought it was a lot. I'm like, he's

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Speaker 2: twelve going on thirteen. I'm like, value didn't play sports,

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Speaker 2: like really, you know, at a high high level to

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Speaker 2: high school college.

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Speaker 1: I didn't play I did combat sports. Remember, I did tekwon,

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Speaker 1: doing jiu jitsu from the time I was nine to fourteen, okay,

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Speaker 1: and that was three four times a week. That was

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Speaker 1: travel tournaments, that was dealing with pain, that was gotcha.

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Speaker 1: I had done all of that.

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Speaker 2: For in terms of like stuff like that. Yeah, So

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Speaker 2: I just thought that, like, man, this is a lot

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Speaker 2: getting up early. And now saw how loaded Jackson's schedule was.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't just the six ams. It was then

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Speaker 2: getting through a school day, and then there was practice

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Speaker 2: after for one team, and then practice after for another team,

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Speaker 2: and then working out with you in addition to and

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Speaker 2: then track practice, like there were just so many things happening.

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Speaker 2: So I'm looking as mom because I'm assessing the health

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Speaker 2: and wellness of my child, and I can see that

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Speaker 2: he was tired. I also went to an early parent

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Speaker 2: teacher conference and one of his teachers said, yeah, it

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Speaker 2: was weird. One morning Jackson was like falling asleep in class.

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Speaker 2: And I wasn't sure if it was that he wasn't

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Speaker 2: feeling well, if he was tired, or it was if

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Speaker 2: the work was boring or what it was.

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Speaker 3: Huh, it was one morning and it was the beginning

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Speaker 3: of school.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it was one morning.

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Speaker 1: Tired in the beginning of school. School started in August,

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Speaker 1: so this happened the beginning in August.

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Speaker 2: So I said to Devala, so, you know, the teacher

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Speaker 2: mentioned that he fell asleep in math, and I'm like,

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Speaker 2: you know, he's very advanced in maths. I'm like, is

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Speaker 2: it that the work is, is you know, kind of

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Speaker 2: boring for him? Or is it that the six am

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Speaker 2: was catching up to him? And Devo was like, don't

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Speaker 2: automatically put it on the six am. He was offended

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Speaker 2: that I mentioned the sixth thing am.

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Speaker 1: It was because I was because moms like to do

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Speaker 1: things like if a child does something wrong, the first

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Speaker 1: thing they want to do is you're not doing sports,

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Speaker 1: and for me, I think that's unfair to the child

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Speaker 1: because if he was playing an instrument, which you what

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Speaker 1: you wanted him to do.

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Speaker 3: Moms never take away instruments is punishment.

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Speaker 1: They only take away sports, which to me, I think

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Speaker 1: is unfair to a young man who loves to play sports.

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Speaker 1: And my mom used to do this to me all

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Speaker 1: the time. I would do everything perfect, I make one

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Speaker 1: mistake and the first thing she would do is take

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Speaker 1: away basketball, and it ultimately took me out of AAU

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Speaker 1: basketball in seventh grade from a stake that wasn't even mine.

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Speaker 1: So I was very defensive, and a lot of it

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Speaker 1: had to do with the fact that the way I

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Speaker 1: grew up and I didn't want Jackson to go through

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Speaker 1: the same thing. So it really had less to do

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Speaker 1: with you and more to do with everything I had

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Speaker 1: was going through.

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Speaker 2: And grows in this moment. For de Valeni is that

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Speaker 2: could have been an argument, right because I could have

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Speaker 2: been going back and forth. I never asked Jackson to

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Speaker 2: play an instrument. I've asked if they were interested in it,

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Speaker 2: because I want them to be well rounded and try

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Speaker 2: different things and see what you know, expose them. I

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Speaker 2: played the piano and hated it, so I would never

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Speaker 2: push that on them. However, I did realize in that

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Speaker 2: moment like okay, Deval got defensive about it. But me,

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Speaker 2: knowing my son, I'm like, maybe there's something there. So

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Speaker 2: I said, let me not guess and have this conversation

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Speaker 2: with Deval guessing. Let me talk to Jackson directly. So

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Speaker 2: I asked Jackson about the morning he fell asleep in

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Speaker 2: math class, and I said, yeah, you fell asleep in

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Speaker 2: math class one time. Her teacher said she had to

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Speaker 2: wake you up like twice. What happened is to work,

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Speaker 2: you know, too boring or what? He was like, Oh, no,

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Speaker 2: that was the morning I had six am. I was

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Speaker 2: just a little tired, And I said, oh, okay. So

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Speaker 2: I heard that from his mouth without prompting. So that's

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Speaker 2: when I let Deval know that was the case. But

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Speaker 2: then Deval then, you know, I had to reassess the

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Speaker 2: situation because he realized too, like, Okay, maybe this is

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Speaker 2: a bit much for Jackson right now to juggle because

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Speaker 2: he does have a lot on his plate now.

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Speaker 1: He definitely has a lot on his plate. And when

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Speaker 1: I think about growing up, When I thought about growing up,

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Speaker 1: I did do karate. When I started playing basketball, I

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Speaker 1: had basketball practice, I did do jiu jitsu. I was

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Speaker 1: on a debate team, was in the math academy. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't the concert choir. I wasn't.

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Speaker 2: Activities.

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Speaker 1: I never had time to myself either, so me giving

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Speaker 1: him time to himself was nothing I ever thought about doing.

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Speaker 1: I wanted him to always have something to do, so

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Speaker 1: he's not in the street or in the video games.

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Speaker 1: Now granted, we don't live in a place where he

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Speaker 1: could even be in the street, so I just didn't

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Speaker 1: want him to be at home in the video games

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Speaker 1: or going out with his friends to do something because

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Speaker 1: you know, and I'm not trying to snitch on my son,

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Speaker 1: but I've been at these middle school things and I

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Speaker 1: see some of the eighth graders who were going to

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Speaker 1: high school or young high school kids come back and

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Speaker 1: they're vaping and they're out there and they doing stuff,

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Speaker 1: and I just don't want my son to have any

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Speaker 1: time to be Yeah, you always have something to do.

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Speaker 3: So I would admit that that was my plan.

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Speaker 1: What I didn't realize was when I was doing prototype

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Speaker 1: or when I was doing those things, my father wasn't

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Speaker 1: my trainer.

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Speaker 3: So when I did come home.

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Speaker 1: I came home to relax, and it didn't hit me

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Speaker 1: until I saw Jackson limpin and realize, like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: when he comes home, he doesn't come home to relax.

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Speaker 1: He comes home to hit mobility, speed training, weight room training,

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Speaker 1: questions about basketball, talking about basketball.

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Speaker 2: Jay will stop by to drop him off. Y'all still

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Speaker 2: talking more about basketball, and he literally had like no

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Speaker 2: reprieve from it. And me, being mom, who also was

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Speaker 2: never a professional athlete, I tried to respect where Deval

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Speaker 2: and Ja come from because they are the experts in

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Speaker 2: this field. So I'm like, y'all must know something that

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Speaker 2: I don't know because Deval played an elite level. So

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Speaker 2: if that's where Jackson wants to be, I never want to,

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Speaker 2: you know, undermine what you say or even put that

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Speaker 2: little bit of you know, doubt in Jackson's mind. Which

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Speaker 2: it's just like, all right, well, Jay and Dad are

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Speaker 2: telling me one thing, but Mom seems apprehensive.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: We always try to make sure that we are on

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Speaker 2: a united front when we present ourselves to the kids,

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Speaker 2: and then behind closed doors, I'll say to de Val,

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Speaker 2: don't you think or he'll say, hey, I think you

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Speaker 2: handle that incorrectly, which I think is necessary because it's

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Speaker 2: like a checks and balancing system that we have within

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Speaker 2: the relationship as parents. But it's just a thing where

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Speaker 2: you know, moms, we just tend to know our kids,

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Speaker 2: and I in that moment, was like, maybe it might

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Speaker 2: be a bit too much. And I see the effects

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Speaker 2: of it on Jackson even this morning. For example, he

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Speaker 2: was up last night throwing up diarrhea, had some stomach issues.

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Speaker 2: He was so apprehensive this morning to even tell you

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Speaker 2: how he really felt because he felt like them, am

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Speaker 2: I gonna be a punk if I tell Dad that

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Speaker 2: I don't feel when it can't go to school?

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Speaker 1: Or I think that's I think that's unfair for you

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Speaker 1: to say that one because he called me.

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Speaker 3: He didn't call you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but he called me, right, you know what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: he didn't call you first, So he wasn't apprehensive to

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Speaker 1: tell me how he felt.

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Speaker 3: He just didn't know how he was going to be received.

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Speaker 2: As sorry if I didn't say that correctly. Yeah, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: nobody he calls you first.

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Speaker 1: And they all called me when they need something. And

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Speaker 1: I think, to be fair, you do know your kids, right.

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Speaker 1: I don't think moms know what's best for their sons though,

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Speaker 1: And I think that's the difference. Moms may know their children,

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Speaker 1: but you don't know what's best for them. And for me,

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Speaker 1: it's every time they come against adversity. Moms. You your

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Speaker 1: mom want to save them. They don't need be saved

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Speaker 1: because you can't save them when they're outside. They have

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Speaker 1: to learn, and I think that's where you and I

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Speaker 1: have to learn. That's a unity and I no, but

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Speaker 1: I think that's where you and I in this. Now

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Speaker 1: you're gonna make me keep saying it. In this situation particular,

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Speaker 1: knowing when to concede was important for both of us

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Speaker 1: because you knew when to concede and say, you know what,

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Speaker 1: Deval knows this part of athleticism and professional athletes are

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Speaker 1: going to concede even though I don't agree, and then

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Speaker 1: me realizing that, okay, physically he doesn't look like himself,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to concede, and Kadeen was right rather

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Speaker 1: than both of us trying to argue and putting our son.

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Speaker 1: Because I've also been on the other end of this

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Speaker 1: as a trainer, where mom and dad are not on

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Speaker 1: the same page and they're both arguing loudly in front

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Speaker 1: of the child, while both making the child do something

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Speaker 1: that's not good for the child.

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Speaker 2: And if your kid is just confused, and to also

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Speaker 2: further back your point, there are moments too where now,

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Speaker 2: for example, this morning, devout Jackson didn't want to be

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Speaker 2: seem like he was being a punk for like not

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Speaker 2: going to school or going to practice.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to practice.

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Speaker 2: But you then also gave him the latitude to say

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Speaker 2: in that moment, which I thought was correct, Jackson, if

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Speaker 2: you don't feel well, take the day and stay home, rest, recover.

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Speaker 2: I would have been more inclined to be like, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: you're not throwing up anymore, your stomach is fine, all right,

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Speaker 2: go to school, then don't miss the day, you know.

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Speaker 2: So that's where I could have been wrong, and that

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Speaker 2: you say to me, Kadeen, like, don't you think it's

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Speaker 2: a bit much that you're pushing him to school? And

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Speaker 2: he was literally thrown up two hours ago, right, And

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Speaker 2: I'd have been like, well, he's fine though, he looks

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Speaker 2: fine now. So that's a moment where I sometimes need

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Speaker 2: to be checked. And you say, Kadeen, like you're like,

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Speaker 2: just because you don't want the kids to miss the

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Speaker 2: day a school because you're a stickler for academics. You

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Speaker 2: can't do that at the detriment of their health, right,

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Speaker 2: And I.

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Speaker 1: Mean you're right because we've had those conversations where I'm

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Speaker 1: the parent that's more likely to be like, Yo, you

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Speaker 1: don't feel good, you don't go to practice.

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Speaker 3: You don't go to school either.

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Speaker 1: Just take the whole day where you're more like, nah,

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Speaker 1: he can miss practice, but he's going to school. To me,

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Speaker 1: school has certain values, but also I think school can

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Speaker 1: be overrated when it comes to certain certain kids in

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Speaker 1: certain situations. You know, for example, thinking about and this

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Speaker 1: is going a little bit off topic, but also thinking

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Speaker 1: about trying to raise my son the way I was

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Speaker 1: raised when I didn't grow up the same way as

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Speaker 1: my child did, or even trying to raise my son

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Speaker 1: the way I mentored other young men who had different situations.

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Speaker 3: I'm realizing that it doesn't work that way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I have to learn how to concede

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Speaker 1: sometimes because everything I thought I knew about my life

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Speaker 1: or I knew about these kids is completely different now

378
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Speaker 1: than it was five ten years ago when I was mentoring.

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Speaker 2: That's a good thing that you brought up, and I

380
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,920
Speaker 2: think you should put a posted on this, and we're

381
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Speaker 2: going to keep this tab open for the conversation we're

382
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,520
Speaker 2: going to have about you and Jackson and that first

383
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,439
Speaker 2: little altercation that happened in the house. So I'm not

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Speaker 2: sure when this episode is going to air in comparison

385
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,040
Speaker 2: to that, but I think this route that you're going

386
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,600
Speaker 2: will be great for that conversation because part of it

387
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,560
Speaker 2: is talking about how you grew up and what you

388
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,080
Speaker 2: require to do just to survive in these streets, and

389
00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:11,280
Speaker 2: it's like trying to take that same approach with Jackson.

390
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,600
Speaker 2: But it's like being in these streets over here, you know.

391
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Speaker 2: But I get it as a man and as a

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Speaker 2: man raising a boy, and me never having been a

393
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,399
Speaker 2: boy or a man. There's certain things that I will

394
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,399
Speaker 2: lean on you for. So we can, I guess table

395
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,520
Speaker 2: that until we get to that.

396
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,000
Speaker 1: Because I do want to talk about that specifically, just

397
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,280
Speaker 1: that one situation. But this is a good transition to

398
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 1: give them some facts and stacks about conceding right. According

399
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,639
Speaker 1: to Troubau, you know, Trouble always looks up the stats.

400
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,440
Speaker 1: Admitting when you're wrong can create a deeper emotional connection

401
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,000
Speaker 1: with your partner. It shows a commitment to honesty and

402
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,040
Speaker 1: vulnerability and your relationship and gives your partner more security

403
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,600
Speaker 1: and knowing that you are committed to making things right

404
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,840
Speaker 1: between you rather than being right in an argument, Being

405
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,159
Speaker 1: honest and admitting when you are wrong can inspire your

406
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,320
Speaker 1: partner to do the same, making brave honesty and humility

407
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:01,720
Speaker 1: a making making brave honesty and humility a norm in

408
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,719
Speaker 1: your relationship, Admitting when you are wrong can strengthen your

409
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,560
Speaker 1: emotional connection with your partner. And remember, vulnerability is sexy,

410
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,399
Speaker 1: so it may also strengthen your sexual intimacy.

411
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Speaker 2: That's insane, that last one there, I know it is sorry,

412
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,880
Speaker 2: and remember, vulnerability is sexy, so it may also strengthen

413
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Speaker 2: your sexual intimacy. We've spoken recently about how our sexual

414
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,280
Speaker 2: intimacy has gone through the roof, and though we know

415
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,760
Speaker 2: there are a couple other factors that probably lend to that,

416
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:35,480
Speaker 2: I do think that me finally finding ways to take

417
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 2: accountability and admit fault and saying to myself, Babe, I

418
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,520
Speaker 2: didn't do that quite right, or I might have been

419
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,639
Speaker 2: wrong in this moment and being okay with that genuinely

420
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:49,280
Speaker 2: has definitely heightened that so intimacy because we no longer

421
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,880
Speaker 2: have those long bouts of like contention.

422
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,000
Speaker 3: So let me ask a question.

423
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,919
Speaker 1: What got you to the point where it was like,

424
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Speaker 1: you know what, let me just start admitting when I'm

425
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,680
Speaker 1: wrong rather than fighting to the death.

426
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Speaker 2: It was a lot of one learning, it was a

427
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,360
Speaker 2: lot of un learning. I know that the way I

428
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,600
Speaker 2: was raised, and I even see it as an extension

429
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,040
Speaker 2: of my mom. There's this aim for perfection. There's this

430
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,360
Speaker 2: aim to not be wrong. It's the aim to always

431
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,360
Speaker 2: be in someone's good graces. It's to be the people pleaser.

432
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Speaker 2: Is to not do things that people may look at,

433
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Speaker 2: you know, with any kind of like fault or so

434
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,639
Speaker 2: when I so growing up that way accepting accountability for

435
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,879
Speaker 2: something wrong, what do you mean, No, I didn't do

436
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,840
Speaker 2: anything wrong. I never intended to do anything wrong, so

437
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,639
Speaker 2: it was not my fault.

438
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,199
Speaker 1: So it wasn't about being right. It's just I'm not

439
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,920
Speaker 1: wrong exactly. So you didn't have to prove that you were.

440
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,600
Speaker 2: No exactly. And then, I mean, there were moments where

441
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,200
Speaker 2: I felt like I had to prove my point or

442
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,959
Speaker 2: prove how I arrived at a complete in a certain situation.

443
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,320
Speaker 2: I've said that on previous podcasts where It's like, do

444
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,119
Speaker 2: you not want to hear why I got to this

445
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,480
Speaker 2: point or how I got here? You just want me

446
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,919
Speaker 2: to accept accountability and understand where you're coming from and

447
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,720
Speaker 2: move on. And it had a hard time doing that

448
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,000
Speaker 2: for a long time because I think as a child

449
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,200
Speaker 2: growing up, there was always this pursuit of perfection that

450
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,680
Speaker 2: I was striving for, and I never wanted someone to

451
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,560
Speaker 2: see me in a negative light, or I never wanted

452
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 2: someone to be upset by something I did. As a child,

453
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,760
Speaker 2: I was a pleaser. You know, do well for your parents,

454
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,920
Speaker 2: be the example. You're the oldest child, you're the oldest grandchild,

455
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,439
Speaker 2: you're the oldest cousin. So all of that pressure for

456
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,119
Speaker 2: so long, I think for me manifested itself in our relationship,

457
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,119
Speaker 2: Whereas I always wanted to be held in that regard.

458
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 2: So when I did something that was not favorable to

459
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,720
Speaker 2: you or something you didn't agree with, I completely took

460
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 2: that as I'm the worst person in the world. Let

461
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 2: me find a way to deflect, Let me find a

462
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 2: way to just argue my way out of this situation.

463
00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: Funny thing is I can see all of those things

464
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: now when I look back at how we used to

465
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 1: go through arguments and debates. I'm like, she's not even

466
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,840
Speaker 1: trying to understand where I'm coming from.

467
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,199
Speaker 2: She just had to tell you that I'm here and

468
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,200
Speaker 2: I didn't do something. And it wasn't until I think

469
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 2: you were able to see even just existing in this

470
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 2: household for the past three years with my parents and

471
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,720
Speaker 2: how they interact, and there's a lack of accountability there.

472
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,919
Speaker 2: It's the blame game a lot of the time, and

473
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,719
Speaker 2: I'm just like, I don't want us to end up

474
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:06,959
Speaker 2: like that.

475
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,280
Speaker 1: You and your mom are very similar in that even

476
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 1: when I try to tell Mom something that I noticed

477
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,199
Speaker 1: and it's like, Mom, I'm not blaming you, I'm just

478
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,440
Speaker 1: showing you something, her first thing is just like, well

479
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,119
Speaker 1: I didn't.

480
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 2: Oh yeah a lot.

481
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 3: I'm not saying you the only one. I'm just saying

482
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:21,280
Speaker 3: I noticed.

483
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,200
Speaker 1: But then that's when I started to realize, like, dang,

484
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 1: Kay does the same exact thing. Like the minute something happens,

485
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,560
Speaker 1: she wants to put out that.

486
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 2: I was to blame you and think about the story's

487
00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:33,320
Speaker 2: mom has shared with us about her growing up.

488
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,399
Speaker 1: And I understand why she why She's like, well, I

489
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,040
Speaker 1: was I.

490
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,040
Speaker 2: Was walking the straight and narrow and this happened, It

491
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 2: wasn't me.

492
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 3: Did we explain that story with your mom?

493
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 1: And this is important I think you might have we

494
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:47,359
Speaker 1: talk about we talk about understanding your spouse's parents, and

495
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,640
Speaker 1: you understand that mom told me a story about working

496
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,640
Speaker 1: the late shift at Burger King and she got off late,

497
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,199
Speaker 1: she got on the bus and she got home and

498
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 1: it was past twelve o'clock.

499
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 3: And when she got to.

500
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,120
Speaker 1: The home she was staying in here in America, Yeah,

501
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 1: which was a friend of the family, in your family,

502
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,159
Speaker 1: they locked her out and she had to sleep on

503
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,960
Speaker 1: the floor in the hallway because they thought she was

504
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 1: out gallivanting, which to me, that would automatically create a

505
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,120
Speaker 1: trigger in my mind. Sadly, I can't do anything outside

506
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,960
Speaker 1: of what they deem to be wrong, because if I do,

507
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to be.

508
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 3: Outside on the floor.

509
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:17,439
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

510
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,360
Speaker 1: And then I see how she raised her kids, always

511
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,800
Speaker 1: show them like, don't let anyone see you do anything

512
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,680
Speaker 1: outside of the toe.

513
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 2: Be the perfect model, child, model, citizen, model worker, like

514
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,159
Speaker 2: that was her lifestyle and that's how she grew up.

515
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 2: So in that vein, I can see how it manifested

516
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,200
Speaker 2: myself itself in our relationship and the way I deal

517
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 2: with you, and I had to realize, like it's okay

518
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 2: to be misunderstood in a moment, or it's okay to

519
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:47,159
Speaker 2: be wrong in a moment. It's okay to not have

520
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,320
Speaker 2: made the right decision. Mom and I are the main

521
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:51,919
Speaker 2: two who do laundry in this house, right, the dryer,

522
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,359
Speaker 2: the little part that pulls out all of the lint,

523
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,159
Speaker 2: the lint trap. Something broke on the lint trap. So

524
00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 2: Mom is like, the limp trap is broken. I can't

525
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,320
Speaker 2: pulled out. I don't know what happened. And I was like, Mom,

526
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,200
Speaker 2: you and I are literally the only two that used

527
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 2: the dryer, like right, and I know I didn't break it,

528
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,159
Speaker 2: so right, And she's like, well, I don't know. It

529
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 2: wasn't me. It's like, okay, Mom, it's fine, Like no

530
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,240
Speaker 2: one's blaming you. I'm just wondering what happened to the

531
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,639
Speaker 2: lin trap so we can potentially get it fixed. It's fixable,

532
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 2: it's okay. But it was like in that moment, that's

533
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,840
Speaker 2: just a small example of how it was, like, WELLHY

534
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,960
Speaker 2: didn't And I'm like, I'm not blaming you. We just

535
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,679
Speaker 2: want to figure out how to fix it. So I

536
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 2: know that's where a lot of it comes from with me.

537
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,120
Speaker 2: So I've learned to in conceding in the relationships, saying

538
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 2: you know, okay, you were not right, and it's okay

539
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,119
Speaker 2: because Deval understands. We can talk about it and you

540
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,120
Speaker 2: live to see another day.

541
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 1: You don't it don't or you don't always have to

542
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 1: be right in order to move forward emicably. Yeah, I

543
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 1: had to learn that too, with just conceding power or

544
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:47,359
Speaker 1: conceding control, because in my mind, I feel like I

545
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 1: have to be in control of my family because I'm

546
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:53,120
Speaker 1: responsible for my family. If something goes wrong in this family,

547
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: whether it's you, whether it's the kids, the first person

548
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,159
Speaker 1: the gonna look at is me. So since I'm the

549
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,119
Speaker 1: one that everyone looks setting to say, well, you have

550
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,959
Speaker 1: to be, you know, the person that leads the family.

551
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: I always felt like I have to be in control,

552
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 1: do it my way because I know that my way

553
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,280
Speaker 1: works for me absolutely, And then I always used to

554
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 1: project that on you and the kids because it was

555
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: just like, I know my way works for me, and

556
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,679
Speaker 1: since I'm responsible to provide and protect, can y'all just

557
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: do it my way so I.

558
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:23,960
Speaker 3: Know it'll get done.

559
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: And I had to learn that my process works for

560
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,159
Speaker 1: me because that's my process. My process is not always

561
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 1: going to work for you or the kids, or even

562
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,120
Speaker 1: my friends who who were in business together. Like, I'm

563
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:40,720
Speaker 1: learning that now that it's okay to concede your process

564
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,920
Speaker 1: to other people. So if there's one thing I had

565
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 1: to learn to give up, it was give up that

566
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,399
Speaker 1: and not just with you, but with everybody. You know.

567
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 1: I got business partners I work with, I got kids,

568
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 1: you know, I got people that I mentor, and I'm

569
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: always trying to tell them to do it this way.

570
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,440
Speaker 1: And then I've watched people be successful not doing things

571
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,320
Speaker 1: my way. So I've learned to concede it and be like, hey,

572
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 1: figure it out.

573
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:03,400
Speaker 3: Yeah.

574
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,879
Speaker 2: October third makes twenty two years since we've been together.

575
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 2: And in those twenty two years, I feel like I've

576
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 2: seen you try to control right, and it's not because

577
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 2: you try to control people. People come to you and

578
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 2: ask questions and say, deval, how should I do or

579
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,320
Speaker 2: WHW can I be successful at? Or how do I

580
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 2: start this business? Or if I want to be an actor,

581
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 2: what do I do? And I've seen you pour yourself

582
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 2: and your time and your wisdom into people to tell

583
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,119
Speaker 2: them the way to do things, and then they don't

584
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 2: do it, and then you end up frustrated because they

585
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 2: didn't do what you told them to do because your

586
00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:40,199
Speaker 2: life so listen, it worked for me. It was guaranteed

587
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,240
Speaker 2: if you would have followed this blueprint, you would have

588
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 2: done X, Y Z, and then you wouldn't have to

589
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:49,440
Speaker 2: rely on me to help you do things. But I've

590
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 2: noticed that you've definitely stepped back in the past few years.

591
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 2: Your hair's grown back, you know what I'm saying. I

592
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 2: would attribute that to you not being stressed out about

593
00:26:58,840 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 2: everybody else's issue.

594
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 3: I know where near stresses I was, because you've.

595
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 2: Literally let people be and everyone has their process, and

596
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 2: I love that you found a way to be able

597
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 2: to do that and really just focus your time on

598
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,679
Speaker 2: energy on yourself and especially the boys. Even me. Some

599
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 2: things you've been telling me for years that I should

600
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 2: do in a certain kind of way, and I'm just

601
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 2: like to VALI, I have my own process. I'll figure

602
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,520
Speaker 2: it out in my own time. And it took a

603
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 2: while for you to figure out how to let that go.

604
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,639
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I had to learn that conceding control

605
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,360
Speaker 1: gave me space to have peace, because when you try

606
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,639
Speaker 1: to control everything, and you realize that you can't control

607
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,119
Speaker 1: all of these billions of people walking around on the earth.

608
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 1: That's what used to be stressing me out. You know,

609
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,120
Speaker 1: why don't my brother do it this way? My sister?

610
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: Why don't my parents just listen? Why don't Cay just

611
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,600
Speaker 1: do this? Why don't her brother and sister? Why the

612
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,879
Speaker 1: kids don't? And all of that stress you used to

613
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,440
Speaker 1: keep me up at night. When I learned to concede

614
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,920
Speaker 1: control and focus on the things that I can control,

615
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,879
Speaker 1: I became more productive for myself, which ultimately helped me

616
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 1: become more productive for my family and my friends. And

617
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,920
Speaker 1: I think to me that was the most powerful thing

618
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:01,440
Speaker 1: about learning to concede control is that you really can

619
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:05,199
Speaker 1: control only what you can put your hands on. So

620
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,399
Speaker 1: even if someone comes to you. This is a perfect example.

621
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,040
Speaker 1: Kay likes to come to me and say, Hey, which

622
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:12,440
Speaker 1: dress do you like? The black one of the red one.

623
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,080
Speaker 1: I know for a fact that I'm gonna pick the

624
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: red one because the red one is my favorite color.

625
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 3: So I go by about like the red one. Then

626
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 3: she gives me every reason in the.

627
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 1: World why I should pick the black one, and I say,

628
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,720
Speaker 1: I like the red one, and she says, Okay, goes

629
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:30,119
Speaker 1: in the room, comes out wearing a black one, and

630
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 1: I said, why you got on the black dress cade?

631
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,600
Speaker 1: And she goes, oh, it goes on my shoes. And

632
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 1: I said, well, if you knew you was gonna wear

633
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 1: what you wanted to wear, why did you ask me?

634
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 1: And that used to bother me. Now, okay, hey, which

635
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 1: one do you like? The black one of the red one? Babe?

636
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 3: Which one do you want to wear?

637
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,040
Speaker 2: Can I let you in a little thing that I've learned?

638
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: All right? Let me learn, because I mean gave.

639
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 2: Up, gave I know, I get it, and now I

640
00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 2: really genuinely only ask your opinion about something if I

641
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,720
Speaker 2: genuinely don't know, And I could go either way.

642
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,600
Speaker 1: If they're appreciate that, because that annoys the fuck out

643
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 1: of me when I tell you exactly what I want

644
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 1: to wear and you wear the opposite.

645
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 2: If there's a bit of an inkling that I might

646
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 2: be leaning one way, I'm gonna just go that way.

647
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,040
Speaker 1: I appreciate you for that.

648
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 3: Don't waste neither one of.

649
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 2: Our time because there's no point in it. That's so funny,

650
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 2: And I feel like a lot of women do that

651
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 2: because I think I've even seen a meme that someone posted.

652
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 2: It's just like you know, asking my wife asking me

653
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 2: what to wear, and then I ended up wearing whatever

654
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 2: she decided on.

655
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 1: Anyway, there are a lot of things that can be

656
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 1: related to gender that a lot of people don't want

657
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 1: to admit, but it's the truth. For example, I watch,

658
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: like all of my friends that have girls, I watch

659
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: them with their daughters. Right, I watch them, baby, what

660
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 1: do you want to eat?

661
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 2: Don't know?

662
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 1: And if they're constantly asking this little girl, she's three,

663
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 1: she don't know what she wants to eat, and then

664
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:54,840
Speaker 1: they take them on this journey.

665
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 3: If going to pick this and try that?

666
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: Right?

667
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 3: But they sons eat this?

668
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,800
Speaker 1: And what is what's really teaching me is that we

669
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 1: are all conditioned from young to be the way we

670
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: are and the way you know how we say. There

671
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,440
Speaker 1: are no such things as gender norms. Those gender norms

672
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 1: wear their ugly heads from the time we're really really small.

673
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 1: Even you my young kids that have daughters, if they fall,

674
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 1: you watch how everybody runs to them when they fall

675
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,200
Speaker 1: to pick them up. And what is sometimes what they say?

676
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 1: Who did that to you? Who make you fall? Then

677
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 1: the baby point is somebody who was nowhere there, and

678
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,360
Speaker 1: then they fake run over to that person, hit them.

679
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,440
Speaker 1: You made that baby for they do that to.

680
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 2: Little girls exactly. And then when boys do you accept accountability?

681
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 2: Little three year old?

682
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 1: When my sons fail? This is that? What happened when

683
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 1: the kids? When the when the boys fall or something,

684
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 1: what's the first thing that happens? I told you stop running.

685
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 1: They get reprimanded immediately. So it's just two learned behaviors,

686
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 1: and then they grow on and we expect these learned

687
00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:00,239
Speaker 1: behaviors to know how to am amicably get along. When

688
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:01,840
Speaker 1: it's like the boy is like, wait a minute, my

689
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,560
Speaker 1: whole life I was told to take accountability, and but

690
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,920
Speaker 1: your whole life you was coddled. So now we're together

691
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,680
Speaker 1: and you fall, and I'm trying to tell you to

692
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,720
Speaker 1: take accountability, but you want to be coddled. Now we

693
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 1: have two grown people who are trying to keep control

694
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,240
Speaker 1: over what they think is the right way, which realistically

695
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:20,960
Speaker 1: there is no right way in life.

696
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 3: You have to meet with your partner where they are.

697
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,680
Speaker 2: It's interesting, you say, because I think about a couple

698
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,120
Speaker 2: of friends who come to mind who have daughters, some

699
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,520
Speaker 2: only daughters, and a couple daughters and sons come on,

700
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 2: and the way that a lot of their daughters are like.

701
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 1: Unruly, come on, I see it.

702
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 2: I've been around a couple of people and I'm just

703
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 2: like wow, And they're people who I would have expected

704
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 2: hearing different.

705
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:42,240
Speaker 1: You would have never guess.

706
00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 2: I would have been like, oh, I thought they had

707
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 2: have had everybody on the straight and narrow, and then

708
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 2: their daughters are just hanging from the rafters and I'm like, oh, wow,

709
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 2: that's very, very different than what I thought. And I've

710
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,960
Speaker 2: even seen on the reverse side a son who was

711
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,480
Speaker 2: coddled and then the effects of how he and.

712
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 1: You see and you see what happens when the boy

713
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 1: who's cot And what do they say when a young

714
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,120
Speaker 1: boy is caddle like a little girl and he grows

715
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: up to act a certain way, what do they say

716
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: he acting like like a mama's boy, like a bitch.

717
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:11,600
Speaker 1: But the truth is is like when a boy grows

718
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: up and he's kind of like a girl, and we

719
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: look down on it, you should ask yourself, why do

720
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 1: we caddle little girls that way? Like? It's not fair

721
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 1: to ask, and it's not a boy versus girl thing.

722
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 1: It's not fair to coddle any little person, never expect

723
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: them to accept accountability, and then when they grow up,

724
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,720
Speaker 1: be like, why are you act this way? You made

725
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 1: them this way. And if you caddle little girls, they

726
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 1: grow up to be brats. You caught a little boys,

727
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 1: they grow up to be mama's boys, you know. And

728
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is, and I know that's

729
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,719
Speaker 1: a completely different topic, but when you learn as an

730
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,440
Speaker 1: adult how to concede all of the things that you

731
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,560
Speaker 1: were taught growing up, because now you realize I'm an

732
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,280
Speaker 1: adult and maybe the things that were learned behaviors were

733
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 1: not the best for me. It's a powerful thing that

734
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: you can open up your mind to different things, you know,

735
00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 1: seeing the world differently, a different perspective for me and

736
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 1: our relationship. It seems like the minute I learned to

737
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 1: concede for a little bit and just say, well, let

738
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,040
Speaker 1: me just try to understand, you know, let me not

739
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,760
Speaker 1: be right, let me not prove that I'm the smarter person,

740
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:12,680
Speaker 1: let me not prove that I know what I'm talking

741
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 1: about is she don't let me just understand where she's

742
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 1: coming from. And it's like, wow, so it's not that

743
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 1: I'm right or wrong. It's not that you're right or wrong.

744
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,920
Speaker 1: It's just from where you're sitting and you see that

745
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 1: that's why you made that decision. Okay, I can get

746
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:31,080
Speaker 1: hit with that. Let's understant's let me understand why that is.

747
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 1: Let's unpack that right now.

748
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 2: Let me come over there and sit from your possessive

749
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 2: and see what it looks like.

750
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 3: And that's what conceding does.

751
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 2: Right. And then I think, although it's not a matter

752
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,080
Speaker 2: of who's right or wrong, there is a way to

753
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,719
Speaker 2: admit fault or admits and say you know what, So

754
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,920
Speaker 2: a couple of ways to admit that you're wrong. You

755
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,640
Speaker 2: can just sincerely apologize, and it really means like sincerely apologize,

756
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,000
Speaker 2: like understanding, not being like yeah, use right whatever and

757
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 2: the walk away. It's actually understanding letting your partner know

758
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 2: how your actions have affected that.

759
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: That's important.

760
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 2: You can also explain your thought process behind your actions,

761
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,120
Speaker 2: but never make excuses. And I think that's the thing

762
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:04,800
Speaker 2: I had to work on because I used to do

763
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:06,640
Speaker 2: the first part. I used to try to explain my

764
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 2: process but then also use it as an excuse as

765
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 2: to why. And I was like, just because you punched

766
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,920
Speaker 2: me in the face doesn't mean and you say sorry

767
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that I gotta be okay with it, you

768
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 2: know that. Not that I've done that, but that was

769
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:19,440
Speaker 2: just what analogy.

770
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, the analogy was with the even if, like, for example,

771
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,480
Speaker 1: Ky punched me in the eye, right, and I'm like, hey,

772
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: why you punched me in the eye so well, there

773
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 1: was a fly on your eye. Yeah, but it still hurts.

774
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:32,160
Speaker 1: I don't care for her. There was a fly on

775
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 1: your eye, so I punched it. It's like that type

776
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,360
Speaker 1: of response is what we're talking about. You could have

777
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,040
Speaker 1: easily said and this never happened. Guys, you said, babe,

778
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: I saw a fly in your eye. I wanted to

779
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: get it. I reacted really fast. I punched you. I

780
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,280
Speaker 1: realized it hurt. I won't do that again. I realized

781
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:49,520
Speaker 1: that it affected you, and I'm sorry. Let me keep

782
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,040
Speaker 1: it right. That's that's way different than there was a

783
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 1: fly on your eye. Punched it. Get over it right,

784
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,760
Speaker 1: The swelling will go down. I said sorry. That's another

785
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,200
Speaker 1: thing when someone says stuff like I know what, but

786
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 1: I said sorry, get over it. It's sorry.

787
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 3: Don't mean shit nowt me punching on your eye.

788
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 2: Know exactly exactly. Let me reciprocate and listen to your

789
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,040
Speaker 2: partner to be open and receiving criticism that it may

790
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:15,400
Speaker 2: come with. Is there anything that you've learned I guess

791
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,920
Speaker 2: over the course of our relationship. I know control is

792
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 2: one thing that you say you learned to concede. Is

793
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:22,440
Speaker 2: there anything else that you feel like? You know what?

794
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,560
Speaker 2: Kadeen is better equipped, so let me just allow her

795
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,840
Speaker 2: to do that. And because I feel like there's a

796
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:30,240
Speaker 2: lot of things that you just at now, your response

797
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 2: to me is whatever you want to do, babe, Yes,

798
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,439
Speaker 2: whatever you want to do. And sometimes when you say

799
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,000
Speaker 2: that to me, I kind of wonder. I'm like, is

800
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,359
Speaker 2: he just trying to like patronize me, or is he

801
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 2: trying to be funny or what? And you genuinely be like, no,

802
00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 2: I like whatever you want to do, because I don't

803
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: have the capacity or I do I care enough about

804
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 2: this in this moment to make a decision.

805
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 1: I'm going to give all couples, business partners, friends a

806
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: pro tip right pause. If it's not important enough to you,

807
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,640
Speaker 1: it down and waste brain function making a decision, allow

808
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:05,120
Speaker 1: someone else to make the decision.

809
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 3: Seriously, excuse me.

810
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: Use discernment with who you allowed to make decisions for

811
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,520
Speaker 1: you right, So when it comes to Kadeen, I will

812
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:17,359
Speaker 1: allow Kadeen to make decisions for me. But it's only

813
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 1: because I trust and value that the decision she's making,

814
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,839
Speaker 1: she's putting the necessary amount of effort into it. So

815
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:26,880
Speaker 1: many people just want to make the final decision on

816
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,799
Speaker 1: every single thing, even things that have nothing to do

817
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,360
Speaker 1: with them, and it's a waste of time and energy,

818
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:37,320
Speaker 1: especially if you're not equipped emotionally, physically, mentally to handle

819
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 1: whatever that decision is. Let it, just let it go,

820
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,120
Speaker 1: just let it, let it be, leave well enough alone.

821
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:46,839
Speaker 1: And I used to do that all the time.

822
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 3: Remember we used to.

823
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: Make decisions, and for example, traveling, I always used to

824
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 1: want to decide what time we leave, when we get

825
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,600
Speaker 1: in there, what airline? And then after a while it

826
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: was just like why do I I don't I don't care.

827
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,080
Speaker 1: All I want to know is that we're getting there safely.

828
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,759
Speaker 2: I'll take it back to even our wedding. Daval was like,

829
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 2: I want to know what colors we're doing. I want

830
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,839
Speaker 2: these colors. I want the wedding to be all red

831
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 2: I want. And I was like, Bro, do you really

832
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 2: care about this or do you just want to make

833
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,880
Speaker 2: the decision and have the control. And this is so

834
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:16,759
Speaker 2: I wasn't sure what was.

835
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:22,799
Speaker 1: I cared because I cared for my voice and my

836
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,840
Speaker 1: family to be represented at the wedding. So I cared

837
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:31,239
Speaker 1: because it was said to me as a man, men

838
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 1: or men often get pushed aside when it comes to weddings.

839
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,839
Speaker 1: So to be honest, I was pledging allegiance to my

840
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 1: gender and saying in that moment, I'm not going to

841
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,400
Speaker 1: be dismissed just because I'm a man. Did I really

842
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 1: care that much?

843
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 3: Absolutely fucking not.

844
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 1: I did not care. I didn't even want to have

845
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:52,080
Speaker 1: that big bro. I didn't want to have that big

846
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:54,600
Speaker 1: ass wedding first of all. But the truth is, if

847
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a big ass wedding, everything ain't gonna

848
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 1: just be yellow because I got to be in that

849
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 1: motherfucker my favorite colors red, so I stood ten tools

850
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,880
Speaker 1: down on red. But to be honest, I did not

851
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 1: care that much. And if I was doing it all

852
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 1: over again, I would say, Babe, do whatever you want

853
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,640
Speaker 1: to do. This is the budget though, so we're not

854
00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:15,160
Speaker 1: going over this. This is the budget. Let me know

855
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:16,759
Speaker 1: what time to be there, and I'm be in a

856
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 1: good move wearing whatever it is, because now that I

857
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:21,360
Speaker 1: think about it, it didn't really matter to me. It was

858
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:24,919
Speaker 1: everybody telling me that it shouldn't matter. Yeah, And that's

859
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,319
Speaker 1: part of the problem too with conceding, right, Sometimes you

860
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,520
Speaker 1: don't concede because everyone else is telling you you're supposed

861
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: to fight for that, and then you get done with it,

862
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 1: and you like, I fought for that, and I don't.

863
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 1: I still don't care.

864
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,040
Speaker 2: You actually fell right into what I was going to

865
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 2: say because I asked you the question, so I had

866
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 2: what my thing was that I was conceding to in

867
00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 2: a relationship, and you kind of fell right into it.

868
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 2: First off, before I go on to that, and wanted

869
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,920
Speaker 2: to be clear that Deval said that we could do

870
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,359
Speaker 2: it again, and he's just telling what time to get.

871
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,520
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not conceding.

872
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,960
Speaker 2: Get a budget, give me the budget. It again.

873
00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:59,399
Speaker 3: We can do it again with ten dollars. You find

874
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 3: a way to do it ten dollars and then we

875
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 3: can do it.

876
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:05,160
Speaker 2: Go ahead, good thing, I have a savings I'll taking

877
00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:05,880
Speaker 2: ten dollars.

878
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,320
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying, guys, this is why this

879
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:08,760
Speaker 3: is why.

880
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,080
Speaker 1: You can't That's what it is.

881
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:15,360
Speaker 2: But you fell into that by saying, now, my biggest

882
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 2: thing that I've conceded too in the relationship is conceding

883
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 2: to everything I thought based on what everybody else said

884
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 2: a marriage should be, completely throwing all of that out

885
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 2: the window.

886
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:28,200
Speaker 3: You just threw it out.

887
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 2: I just threw it all out because I'm like, why

888
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,960
Speaker 2: am I listening to people who are in completely broken

889
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,839
Speaker 2: or fractured relationships, who are severely unhappy, who didn't even

890
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,160
Speaker 2: have a conversation with me before I got married to

891
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,360
Speaker 2: prep me on what the heck tics point? I'm like,

892
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:49,799
Speaker 2: why am I even leaning on those everlasting arms because

893
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 2: they broke proth arms? Lasting?

894
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: About that just gave me?

895
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:56,040
Speaker 2: Oh did I?

896
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:56,399
Speaker 1: Yes?

897
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,120
Speaker 2: I wonderful. I'm glad I did that for you. But like, literally, guys,

898
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:03,400
Speaker 2: I've learned that conceding to everything I had even in

899
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:06,080
Speaker 2: my mind about what I should be as a wife,

900
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,720
Speaker 2: even as a mom. It's like on the job training.

901
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 2: Once you get there and you actually speak to your coworker,

902
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,440
Speaker 2: you know, my partner here, deval, and see exactly what

903
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:19,480
Speaker 2: it is that he needs and requires. That's when things

904
00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 2: completely skyrocketed and got better for us. And over time,

905
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 2: I will say, because one thing my parents made was

906
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:27,280
Speaker 2: a hard head, and I'll admit that.

907
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:29,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you you definitely hard headed.

908
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:32,880
Speaker 1: And the truth of the matter is, though, I mean,

909
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,160
Speaker 1: that's partly what turned me on.

910
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 3: I don't, first of all, pause that can't.

911
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:45,480
Speaker 1: Be turned on my hardhead. That's mad suck, Oh my god.

912
00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:48,840
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is is the fact that you

913
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:54,080
Speaker 1: were like unwavering in your ideas really like intrigued me

914
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:57,239
Speaker 1: as an eighteen year old because I never wanted to

915
00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 1: be able a pushover. I always wanted to be with

916
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 1: someone who challenge and popular thought challenged me because I

917
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,719
Speaker 1: knew that that created growth. Right. It's the whole iron

918
00:41:04,719 --> 00:41:07,359
Speaker 1: sharpens iron thing. It's like, if every night I'm going

919
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 1: home to someone who's gonna sharpen me or make me

920
00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:11,400
Speaker 1: think about something, I just knew it would make me

921
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: a better person. So I also want to say to people,

922
00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: like learning how to concede when you've married someone who

923
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:21,319
Speaker 1: you know is not going to concede easily, it's very

924
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: difficult to do. But if you learn how to work

925
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:28,319
Speaker 1: within this relationship of conceding things that don't matter to

926
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,120
Speaker 1: you and putting your energy towards the things that do

927
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:35,879
Speaker 1: your relationship can really skyrocket because imagine two people, rather

928
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:40,520
Speaker 1: than spending energy arguing to be right, just really focusing

929
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,400
Speaker 1: on what I can do in my relationship to better

930
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,600
Speaker 1: me and my partner. Imagine two people working in synergy

931
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:47,840
Speaker 1: to do that.

932
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 2: Folks, conscious effort.

933
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:53,759
Speaker 1: Like that's an unlosable force like I have. I feel

934
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,399
Speaker 1: like I have no blonde spots. You know, because even

935
00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:58,839
Speaker 1: when we travel, the things you focus on, I'm never

936
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:02,080
Speaker 1: worried about that. I'm well focused on. I got all

937
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 1: four kids, We have all the bags. You be checking

938
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,279
Speaker 1: and seeing like, Okay, where are we going? Who is

939
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,480
Speaker 1: this person? I'm not worried about who the taxi is.

940
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:12,239
Speaker 1: My wife for got that. I got all four and

941
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:15,439
Speaker 1: I got all thirty seven bags, and I'm good.

942
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:17,960
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Little people in bags the

943
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 2: val Quis shack up and thank God for Jackson. Now

944
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:22,440
Speaker 2: he's old enough to where he literally is corralling everybody

945
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:22,919
Speaker 2: with us.

946
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:24,879
Speaker 1: What's my favorite thing? When we in the airport. Once

947
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: I get everything, what I tell the boys, Hey, let's

948
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:30,120
Speaker 1: go inside.

949
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 2: Order They look like the Wi Fi signals.

950
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 1: From letter Koda, be cash the Chiro. Because I need

951
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,799
Speaker 1: the oldest ones to have eyes on the but I

952
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,799
Speaker 1: was able to create that thing for us as a

953
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,000
Speaker 1: family because you created the whole itinerary.

954
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 2: I know.

955
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:47,719
Speaker 1: And that's a perfect example. People say to us all

956
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 1: the time traveling, how with four kids no security, like,

957
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 1: are y'all able to just walk around? And I said,

958
00:42:56,160 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 1: because I have my tasks? She asked, task, and we

959
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:04,680
Speaker 1: don't argue like I watch people in the airport with

960
00:43:05,880 --> 00:43:09,320
Speaker 1: arguing over simple things and I'm.

961
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 2: Having meltdowns in the process too, and be like man.

962
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:16,000
Speaker 1: Man, I'm like man. And sometimes I look at my

963
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:19,439
Speaker 1: wife and I'll be like, thank God, I don't have

964
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:21,200
Speaker 1: one of those. And when I say one of those

965
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:25,399
Speaker 1: is one of those people who just for example, I'm

966
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: not going to out them because I don't know if

967
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 1: they listen to podcasts, but people that we just met,

968
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:36,080
Speaker 1: they have three kids, two really really young ones and

969
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:38,759
Speaker 1: one that's like Kiro's age, and I watched them all.

970
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,279
Speaker 1: They gonna say where I watch them because we all

971
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 1: be together watch them. And the mom asked the dad

972
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 1: to help with something. And rather than the dad in

973
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,720
Speaker 1: this moment, because I was watching him, he was literally

974
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:53,520
Speaker 1: doing nothing, just saying, yo, let me just do this

975
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,840
Speaker 1: to help that why is it that every time I

976
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,680
Speaker 1: get a moment and I'm like, y'all really about to

977
00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:01,640
Speaker 1: have a whole argument, and this child is in need,

978
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,920
Speaker 1: this child needs to be serviced, and them two were

979
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:08,000
Speaker 1: arguing about who was going to service the child because

980
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,400
Speaker 1: it was supposed to be the mom's task, but the

981
00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:11,319
Speaker 1: mom was taking care.

982
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:12,839
Speaker 3: They have two that are almost under two.

983
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,920
Speaker 1: They were having another child that was having like a

984
00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 1: true breakdown in the middle of where we were, and

985
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:20,839
Speaker 1: rather than them handling the.

986
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 2: Two children, they were doing for it.

987
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:24,960
Speaker 1: And they were standing ten toes down, and to be

988
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,920
Speaker 1: honest listening to it, both of them had valid points.

989
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 1: The father was like, Yo, this was supposed to be

990
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:34,640
Speaker 1: my task. I'm literally doing what you told me I

991
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:36,399
Speaker 1: was supposed to do. And in that moment, the mom

992
00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:39,000
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, but do you not see that I

993
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 1: need help? And am I supposed to just say let

994
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:42,880
Speaker 1: me juggle all of this? And I was like, you

995
00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 1: know what. She kind of got a point, but he

996
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:48,239
Speaker 1: kind of. But now, no, I did not jump into

997
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,080
Speaker 1: help because I don't like stepping on toes when it's

998
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,560
Speaker 1: married people. There's another thing I learned too. You let

999
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 1: married people go through married people's stuff. Don't ever interject

1000
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:59,399
Speaker 1: and try to be like, well, I's no, you.

1001
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:00,439
Speaker 2: Don't know what I mean last year.

1002
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 1: That argument probably started ten years ago when they was

1003
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:08,319
Speaker 1: in college, saying she probably related a task to him,

1004
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 1: and from then he used to know this is going

1005
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:11,440
Speaker 1: to come back and this was.

1006
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,480
Speaker 2: His moment and this was his time to shine.

1007
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:15,279
Speaker 1: But I remember us going through that.

1008
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:17,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, all had moments at games times.

1009
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:19,840
Speaker 1: I'm trying to watch Jackson and I was like, you

1010
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,239
Speaker 1: said you was going to do this, and now we

1011
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 1: end up missing it because we're arguing over these too.

1012
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 2: Because I was like, why don't you leave the two

1013
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,680
Speaker 2: little ones with your mom? And I'm like, no, it's

1014
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,640
Speaker 2: a family day. Oh my gosh, oh my, I'm glad

1015
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:34,319
Speaker 2: you look at accountability walking through the door. Hello, Kadeen Ellis.

1016
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 2: It was probably like your Lee's favorite thing ever in

1017
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 2: life was to take all the kids, especially when Kiro

1018
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:44,360
Speaker 2: and Katz were the two under two, taking everybody anywhere,

1019
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:45,840
Speaker 2: and I was like, but it's a family day. We

1020
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:47,839
Speaker 2: can't leave half of the family behind.

1021
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,319
Speaker 1: Before were going break because we're gonna have to get

1022
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,480
Speaker 1: a break. That used to be one of my biggest

1023
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,200
Speaker 1: pet peeves. And one used the biggest thing I used

1024
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 1: to stay in ten toes down on. I used to

1025
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,600
Speaker 1: be like, yo, we not I'm not taking all of

1026
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:01,359
Speaker 1: these kids to a restaurant. I'm not taking all these

1027
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:03,919
Speaker 1: kids to a game because I'm gonna be the one

1028
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,480
Speaker 1: having to take them to the bathroom, taking the concession stands.

1029
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 1: And Kate will be like, no, baby, you don't have

1030
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:09,880
Speaker 1: to because I don't have it. And then you know

1031
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:12,520
Speaker 1: what happens. We'll get to a game. One will fall

1032
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,840
Speaker 1: asleep in her arms and she'll be tapping me and

1033
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 1: I'm like what she'd be like, so and so I

1034
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,000
Speaker 1: got to go to the bathroom, and I just look

1035
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:21,880
Speaker 1: at her like I'm like, it's the fourth quarter, our

1036
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: oldest son right now about to drop twelve points to

1037
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 1: win the game, and you want me to take this

1038
00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 1: one to the bathroom. And She'll be like fine, I'll

1039
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: take them, And then now she's trying to juggle it.

1040
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:32,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, forget it. I'll go take the one. We run.

1041
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 1: I come back Jackson and here the game winner. I'm like, hey,

1042
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,600
Speaker 1: did you catch you? Said? I missed it on my

1043
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 1: phone because I was holding and I'm just pissed now Kate,

1044
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,400
Speaker 1: don't be standing in ten toes down. I'll be like, listen,

1045
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:46,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to j the game. I'm not taking these kids.

1046
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:51,359
Speaker 1: Kate be like, I'm not having this argument with you. Well,

1047
00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:53,399
Speaker 1: I go with the game. K will show up later

1048
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:56,840
Speaker 1: with one mate and she'll be like, cash only one snacks.

1049
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:59,200
Speaker 1: You're not fucking this up for me. The code are

1050
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 1: gonna have to get this pot change. You stay with

1051
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:03,640
Speaker 1: me and me and then we'll just take the older ones.

1052
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 1: But that is a perfect example how we've learned to

1053
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:10,120
Speaker 1: concede yes and just you know, flow like water, baby,

1054
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 1: you know, flow like water, like water, like water.

1055
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:14,680
Speaker 2: All Right, y'all, let's take a quick break and go

1056
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:16,640
Speaker 2: pay some bills and we're going to come back and

1057
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:19,640
Speaker 2: get into listening Letters. Let's pay and bills and we'll

1058
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:29,080
Speaker 2: be back. Take care of y'all. All right, we're back,

1059
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:31,200
Speaker 2: and let's dive right into listener letter. That was a

1060
00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,920
Speaker 2: really great episode so far. Ye talk about some good stuff.

1061
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:37,319
Speaker 2: Now let me see what y'all got going on today. Okay, Hey,

1062
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:39,000
Speaker 2: getting into val I want to start off by saying,

1063
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,800
Speaker 2: I love you guys so much, and you're a huge

1064
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:43,279
Speaker 2: inspiration to me. I love how you guys love each

1065
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 2: other and how transparent you are with y'all's process and

1066
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,320
Speaker 2: sharing what works for you. So kudos to you guys.

1067
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:52,879
Speaker 2: Thank you. All right. I'm twenty five and I've been

1068
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:57,320
Speaker 2: married to my husband for six years. Y'all nineteen okay,

1069
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:59,520
Speaker 2: and he's twenty eight, so I get married at eighteen,

1070
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:02,920
Speaker 2: all right. Up until twenty twenty three. Up until twenty

1071
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,799
Speaker 2: twenty three, we were long distance because we both were

1072
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,640
Speaker 2: in the military. We're both out now because we agree

1073
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 2: that we needed to work on marriage because there's a

1074
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,960
Speaker 2: huge strain. And this year we've been together full time

1075
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:19,160
Speaker 2: and it's been hard. Lol. We've been actively communicating, telling

1076
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:22,399
Speaker 2: each other our feelings and having to face them head

1077
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:25,319
Speaker 2: on instead of I'll talk to you later like we

1078
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:26,840
Speaker 2: would do long distance on the phone.

1079
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:27,560
Speaker 1: It's perfect.

1080
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 2: He started to give our relationship a time frame that

1081
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 2: we're not happy. If we're not happy by August twenty

1082
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 2: twenty five, when I finished nursing school, then we should

1083
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:39,319
Speaker 2: call it because it would it meant that we would

1084
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:42,200
Speaker 2: have been working our relationship for two and two plus years.

1085
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 1: That's hilarious. It's been two years of this shit.

1086
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:49,120
Speaker 2: I'm remember I told y out twenty two years and.

1087
00:48:49,320 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 3: Years and we're still working.

1088
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 2: The work never ends, baby. I personally don't think timelines

1089
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:58,759
Speaker 2: are necessary because I feel like that makes him look

1090
00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:01,719
Speaker 2: forward to a potential end date. And if you really

1091
00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 2: want the marriage, why put a date in time to

1092
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:07,319
Speaker 2: the end. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal for

1093
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,839
Speaker 2: married couples to feel like it won't work at some point? Yes,

1094
00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:13,480
Speaker 2: aside from the comment, he has been actively trying. But

1095
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,720
Speaker 2: since y'all have been met in the marriage game longer,

1096
00:49:16,239 --> 00:49:19,160
Speaker 2: I figured I could give him a different perspective because

1097
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:22,440
Speaker 2: homeboy has severe tunnel vision on his thinking.

1098
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:23,080
Speaker 3: Man.

1099
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,120
Speaker 2: By the way, we have a two year old and

1100
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 2: a one year old. Oh come on, chiall two one, two,

1101
00:49:28,719 --> 00:49:30,200
Speaker 2: and y'all know we're big on the I know y'all

1102
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:31,399
Speaker 2: are big on the postpartum stuff.

1103
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, yo, yo, This this one easy, bro, Yeah yeah,

1104
00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:34,840
Speaker 1: this is.

1105
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 2: Real easy now swimming in that postpartum life.

1106
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: So women in it two and one right, they don't

1107
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,239
Speaker 1: have and they're not out numbers yet, but they have

1108
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,800
Speaker 1: both have a responsibility, yes, And they're both living together

1109
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 1: full time for the first.

1110
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:51,400
Speaker 2: Hard time, and they've been together since they were nice.

1111
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:54,120
Speaker 1: They were nineteen So think about this. Y'all been together

1112
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:57,120
Speaker 1: since you were nineteen and twenty two, right you were kids.

1113
00:49:57,800 --> 00:50:00,399
Speaker 1: Your six years you're starting to develop and become who

1114
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:02,360
Speaker 1: you want to be, right, So in those twenties is

1115
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,160
Speaker 1: where you learn the things you don't really know it

1116
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:06,799
Speaker 1: in nineteen yes, so you committed to someone you didn't know.

1117
00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:10,640
Speaker 1: Right now you're getting to know someone while having the

1118
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:13,600
Speaker 1: stresses of two under two, while having the stresses of

1119
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:16,600
Speaker 1: both retiring from the military, while both living in the

1120
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,959
Speaker 1: same house at the same time for most of your time.

1121
00:50:19,239 --> 00:50:22,239
Speaker 1: That's difficult. We've seen this with a lot of our

1122
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:25,680
Speaker 1: friends who retire from the NFL, NBA, or play pro sports. Right,

1123
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:29,680
Speaker 1: the husband typically is out all the time, seasons, He's

1124
00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:32,800
Speaker 1: gone for months at a time. Woman creates a whole

1125
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,800
Speaker 1: program for the system for her and the kids. She

1126
00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:38,400
Speaker 1: at home doing her thing in bow. He retires, this

1127
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:40,200
Speaker 1: is gonna be great. Dad is going to be home

1128
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:43,520
Speaker 1: to help Da da da Dad come home. Whole system

1129
00:50:43,560 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 1: fucked up. And the reason why I'm telling you that

1130
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:51,440
Speaker 1: is because you probably think, now our marriage is terrible.

1131
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:56,480
Speaker 1: It's just our marriage. We're the ones having to have conversations. No, no, no,

1132
00:50:57,280 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 1: that's every marriage. I have yet to see one successful

1133
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:03,919
Speaker 1: marriage that said, yeah, we got married fifteen years ago.

1134
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,439
Speaker 1: We never argued, we had our kids, everything was perfectly fine.

1135
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:08,479
Speaker 1: We never had no financial issues. I love my wife,

1136
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:11,320
Speaker 1: We have sex every day, she loves me. We hold hands,

1137
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:14,440
Speaker 1: and we look at rainbows. That's just not the reality.

1138
00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 1: It's not and I'm not saying that in a daunting way.

1139
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:20,239
Speaker 1: I'm saying that in twenty two years of being with

1140
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 1: this woman as my best friend, right, there have been

1141
00:51:22,920 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 1: times where we really did not like each other, but

1142
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:28,919
Speaker 1: we loved each other so much that we fell in love.

1143
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:31,479
Speaker 1: With the process of trying to be better, yes, and

1144
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:36,960
Speaker 1: to give yourself while in postpartum until August twenty twenty five,

1145
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 1: I know you're gonna fail because if y'all stay together

1146
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:42,279
Speaker 1: ten years from now, it's gonna be something else you're

1147
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:45,360
Speaker 1: gonna have to work on. So I wouldn't put a

1148
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:49,399
Speaker 1: termination date. I would say August twenty fifth. Let's try

1149
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,880
Speaker 1: to find a solution by then, and if we haven't

1150
00:51:51,880 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: found a solution, let's pivot and try something different.

1151
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:56,080
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

1152
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:56,919
Speaker 1: That's what I would say.

1153
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:58,759
Speaker 2: I see, that's a good point that you made. It's

1154
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:01,359
Speaker 2: like not the termination, but like, Okay, we've tried this

1155
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:04,560
Speaker 2: particular method, maybe the next method. By August twenty twenty

1156
00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:07,080
Speaker 2: five is in walks of therapists and you guys are

1157
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 2: going to couples therapy, you know, or the kids are

1158
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,520
Speaker 2: that much older, so we're kind of a little bit

1159
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:15,320
Speaker 2: more out of the postpartum woods. Or when I finished

1160
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 2: nursing school, so you went from the military, the nursing school,

1161
00:52:18,080 --> 00:52:20,880
Speaker 2: you're in nurse doing everything, just starting to live together.

1162
00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:23,600
Speaker 2: You have two kids under two, Like, there are a

1163
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:26,200
Speaker 2: lot of variables that are stacked. And I don't want

1164
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:28,239
Speaker 2: to say against you, because this is your life, but

1165
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:31,640
Speaker 2: there are very a lot of variables that are against

1166
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:34,719
Speaker 2: against their aggression and your happiness.

1167
00:52:34,239 --> 00:52:36,319
Speaker 1: Because remember when it was just them, they probably were

1168
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:38,719
Speaker 1: their happiest, right, And then they have two kids, and

1169
00:52:38,760 --> 00:52:41,480
Speaker 1: then you have retirement, then you have nursing school, then

1170
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,880
Speaker 1: you have postpartus absolutely, and you have hormones. Like the

1171
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:48,520
Speaker 1: truth is this cycle you're in won't be family, It.

1172
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:51,280
Speaker 2: Won't be forever. That was us with Jackson at five,

1173
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 2: and then we had caroenkas back to back and there

1174
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:55,400
Speaker 2: were so many moments when we lived in that Brooklyn

1175
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:57,719
Speaker 2: apartment where both of us were just like, so, how

1176
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:00,160
Speaker 2: can we copare if we didn't make this work? Do

1177
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:01,080
Speaker 2: you do you.

1178
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:03,960
Speaker 1: Remember when I think it was the last podcast, I

1179
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:06,040
Speaker 1: just said there was a moment right after two after

1180
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:09,320
Speaker 1: that that was our lowest moment in our relationship. What

1181
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:11,840
Speaker 1: intimacy was the lowest? I think it was twenty and

1182
00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:13,719
Speaker 1: eighteen nineteen A wanted.

1183
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 2: Jackson like that first five years of the marriage that

1184
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:18,439
Speaker 2: we had issues and that was just also new married people.

1185
00:53:19,840 --> 00:53:22,000
Speaker 2: And then yes, after Cairo, after the.

1186
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,640
Speaker 1: Tour, under two really did a number on us because

1187
00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:26,960
Speaker 1: we feel like we couldn't get out left footing.

1188
00:53:27,200 --> 00:53:30,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, very much like a hamster wheel of like yeah,

1189
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:32,040
Speaker 2: but like not moving forward.

1190
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:34,240
Speaker 1: So at the time I didn't know how much sleep

1191
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:36,960
Speaker 1: deprivation not only did a number on K but did

1192
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:39,600
Speaker 1: a number on me as well. So emotionally, you just

1193
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,560
Speaker 1: don't have the patience you typically have.

1194
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,319
Speaker 2: Is like short, yeah, short, and your using short for

1195
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:49,239
Speaker 2: everybody like your kids, your spouse, your family. Yeah, there's

1196
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:50,840
Speaker 2: a lot going on here. So I think you guys,

1197
00:53:50,880 --> 00:53:52,480
Speaker 2: like I really wish you the best and I hope

1198
00:53:52,520 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 2: you guys can stay the course and stick it out.

1199
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:56,440
Speaker 2: I think ultimately, what it boils down to the val

1200
00:53:56,520 --> 00:53:58,600
Speaker 2: and I lasted twenty two years is like you said,

1201
00:53:59,040 --> 00:54:02,080
Speaker 2: my best friend, like I cannot envision and don't want

1202
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:04,759
Speaker 2: to ever envision life without him, whatever that looks like.

1203
00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:08,040
Speaker 2: Even if we are in a tough spot rut, That's

1204
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,360
Speaker 2: what has pulled us through these through twenty two years,

1205
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 2: is the fact that we literally cannot see life without

1206
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:15,279
Speaker 2: each other. And I want you guys to kind of

1207
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:17,840
Speaker 2: think of it that way too, Like can I imagine

1208
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:18,680
Speaker 2: having his life?

1209
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: Don't kind of tell them the truth. We're not wishing

1210
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:25,200
Speaker 1: well wishes, y'all will do it, because if you both

1211
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:28,320
Speaker 1: want to do it, it will get done. It's that simple.

1212
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:31,239
Speaker 1: You don't have to wish and hope and pray pray.

1213
00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:34,440
Speaker 1: It without works is dead. If you both want to

1214
00:54:34,440 --> 00:54:35,960
Speaker 1: beat with each other, got to put the work in.

1215
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:37,960
Speaker 1: You gotta put the work in and do it over time.

1216
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:41,200
Speaker 1: Don't expect it to be a year from now, this motherfucker. No,

1217
00:54:41,280 --> 00:54:44,400
Speaker 1: a year from now, it might be something else. Slap

1218
00:54:44,520 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 1: on the ass and baby, let's figure this out and

1219
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:49,200
Speaker 1: let's move it on. Like that to me is why life.

1220
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:54,040
Speaker 1: I enjoy life now. Problems come right and a lot

1221
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:55,880
Speaker 1: of times problems come and people like, damn, look at

1222
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:57,279
Speaker 1: this another problem. You know why I look at a

1223
00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:01,240
Speaker 1: problem Sometimes I say, what a great opportunity. I see

1224
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:05,600
Speaker 1: problems as opportunities. What an amazing opportunity for Kadeen and

1225
00:55:05,640 --> 00:55:08,920
Speaker 1: I to work on ourselves to get over this together,

1226
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:10,880
Speaker 1: so that on the other end of it, you can

1227
00:55:10,880 --> 00:55:15,120
Speaker 1: give each other four like when I see stuff come up,

1228
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:18,360
Speaker 1: like that same thing with Jackson, when Jackson has an issue,

1229
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:21,839
Speaker 1: he missed a game winner, he missed a free throw,

1230
00:55:21,920 --> 00:55:24,920
Speaker 1: his leg hurting, What a wonderful opportunity to say, Yo,

1231
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:27,200
Speaker 1: your leg is hurting. How can we get through this

1232
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:28,759
Speaker 1: for the rest of the season so that when you

1233
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 1: get to the NBA you know how to deal with

1234
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:32,239
Speaker 1: that exactly. You know.

1235
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, there we go. All you guys, you got it,

1236
00:55:36,120 --> 00:55:38,520
Speaker 2: you got it, you got it number two. Go take

1237
00:55:38,520 --> 00:55:39,080
Speaker 2: it away, baby.

1238
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 1: Hello, Kadeen and Daval. I'm writing to you guys to

1239
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:42,440
Speaker 1: give an update on my situation.

1240
00:55:42,680 --> 00:55:45,120
Speaker 2: You guys say, okay, let's go okay.

1241
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:46,680
Speaker 1: I wrote to you a while ago. I was a

1242
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:49,760
Speaker 1: guy who tried multiple attempts to marry my girl. Oh

1243
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:53,359
Speaker 1: I remember, tried to take her to I can't even

1244
00:55:53,360 --> 00:56:04,560
Speaker 1: pronounce this. VIC quest via Kisco she said, no, etcetera. Okays, sorry,

1245
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:07,240
Speaker 1: all my gas. I try to take her to viks

1246
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:11,400
Speaker 1: Puerto Rico, she said, no, etcetera. Well, since then we separated,

1247
00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 1: she decided to get her own place with her kids,

1248
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:16,439
Speaker 1: says she still wants to date. We still go out,

1249
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:19,320
Speaker 1: go on trips and do what couples do, quote unquote,

1250
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,680
Speaker 1: but we don't necessarily have the title of a couple.

1251
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,359
Speaker 1: It at first had me confused, because on one hand,

1252
00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:26,000
Speaker 1: she's telling me to go out there and see if

1253
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:28,600
Speaker 1: there's someone who has all I want. I thought this

1254
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:30,600
Speaker 1: was her way of telling me she wants a date also,

1255
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:34,280
Speaker 1: but it wasn't that. As one, she gave me keys

1256
00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:38,319
Speaker 1: to her new place. I believe belonging. I believe belongings, Daly, oh,

1257
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:41,840
Speaker 1: I leave belongings there. And two, I overheard her speaking

1258
00:56:41,840 --> 00:56:44,320
Speaker 1: to her friends about how she wants space for herself

1259
00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:46,839
Speaker 1: and it's not interested in getting to know someone else.

1260
00:56:47,360 --> 00:56:51,120
Speaker 1: If she should get an itch, I'm her choice to scratch. Okay,

1261
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:53,080
Speaker 1: I'll get on this smashing them. Jeez a little bit.

1262
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:56,719
Speaker 1: My first separation had me real fucked up. I never

1263
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,799
Speaker 1: once begged her to come back or change her mind.

1264
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,799
Speaker 1: I helped her and her kids a situation, and I

1265
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,160
Speaker 1: fought my battles alone. I didn't ask her for the

1266
00:57:03,239 --> 00:57:05,760
Speaker 1: ring back as badly as I wanted to. He actually

1267
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:07,960
Speaker 1: wears the ring on the right hand, which I don't

1268
00:57:08,000 --> 00:57:10,160
Speaker 1: know if she knows Europeans where their wedding rings on

1269
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:14,640
Speaker 1: that hand. But anyway, but I firmly believe everything happens

1270
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,440
Speaker 1: for a reason, and us having time and part has

1271
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:17,800
Speaker 1: helped us become better friends.

1272
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:20,440
Speaker 3: We have a weird dynamic, but it works.

1273
00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:21,400
Speaker 2: It works.

1274
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:24,360
Speaker 1: Most importantly, this has helped me focus better on what

1275
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:26,720
Speaker 1: I want for myself and my future. I carried that

1276
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:30,560
Speaker 1: fairy tale thought and that was partially my downfall. I'm

1277
00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:32,520
Speaker 1: glad you said that. Like I said, we have a

1278
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:35,080
Speaker 1: different dynamic, as everyone does. There's no one route to

1279
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 1: life together exactly period. I help her when she needs

1280
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:41,240
Speaker 1: it because we still have something quote unquote, but we

1281
00:57:41,280 --> 00:57:44,040
Speaker 1: don't focus on being a couple. Maybe I'll meet someone,

1282
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:46,480
Speaker 1: maybe one day she will be my wife. Who knows.

1283
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:48,600
Speaker 1: But what I do see is a better me in

1284
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,200
Speaker 1: any situation, God himself for me. See, we just talked

1285
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,720
Speaker 1: about this, brot don't want to take up too much time.

1286
00:57:55,160 --> 00:57:56,720
Speaker 3: So this is the update in the nutshell.

1287
00:57:56,760 --> 00:57:57,640
Speaker 1: Thank you guys for me.

1288
00:57:57,680 --> 00:58:04,040
Speaker 2: I am so so I want to give me four yes.

1289
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:08,360
Speaker 2: So this is removing the relationship portion of your story

1290
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:11,040
Speaker 2: and you talking about how you grew to be a

1291
00:58:11,080 --> 00:58:14,000
Speaker 2: better version of yourself, which is ultimately what Daval and

1292
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:16,320
Speaker 2: I try to tell y'all day in and day out

1293
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:19,880
Speaker 2: on this podcast. Work to be the better version of yourself,

1294
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:22,600
Speaker 2: the best version of yourself that you can be prepared

1295
00:58:22,920 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 2: for when that person meets you and they become your person.

1296
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:29,680
Speaker 2: Like I love to hear it, bro, thank you for

1297
00:58:29,720 --> 00:58:31,960
Speaker 2: the update. I love that you actually provided us with

1298
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:34,480
Speaker 2: an update because so many times we think about randomly

1299
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:37,440
Speaker 2: these love these listening to other stories and we're just like,

1300
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:39,120
Speaker 2: I wonder whatever happened to such and such?

1301
00:58:39,160 --> 00:58:40,840
Speaker 1: So you know what, you know what stuck to me?

1302
00:58:41,400 --> 00:58:44,840
Speaker 1: What's that stuck out for me is that he stopped

1303
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:47,840
Speaker 1: looking for the title and stopped saying what everybody is saying,

1304
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:50,120
Speaker 1: this should be this, and just accepting what it is

1305
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:52,400
Speaker 1: if he wants to live in that. He says it

1306
00:58:52,440 --> 00:58:55,480
Speaker 1: works for them, Yes, you know who? That matters to them?

1307
00:58:55,640 --> 00:58:55,760
Speaker 2: Them?

1308
00:58:56,080 --> 00:58:56,440
Speaker 1: You know who?

1309
00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:58,520
Speaker 3: It don't matter to the rest of us.

1310
00:58:58,720 --> 00:59:02,520
Speaker 1: Yep, your relationship doesn't have to be what other people

1311
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:03,440
Speaker 1: wanted to look like.

1312
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,800
Speaker 2: Yep, it doesn't have to be and it works for y'all.

1313
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:07,840
Speaker 2: And that might have taken some of the pressure off

1314
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:10,200
Speaker 2: her feeling like that he's trying to push for this

1315
00:59:10,560 --> 00:59:12,760
Speaker 2: title and push for this fairy tale that he has

1316
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:16,160
Speaker 2: in his mind, where it kind of opened her up

1317
00:59:16,200 --> 00:59:18,320
Speaker 2: to just kind of exist and say, maybe I miss

1318
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:19,640
Speaker 2: him a little bit, maybe I want to be with

1319
00:59:19,720 --> 00:59:21,480
Speaker 2: him a little bit, Maybe this is the guy for me.

1320
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:23,200
Speaker 2: The process might be different.

1321
00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:26,919
Speaker 1: Remember we talked about not having obligations for each other

1322
00:59:27,280 --> 00:59:30,360
Speaker 1: and had I created a deeper connection because I knew

1323
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,280
Speaker 1: you chose to be here and you knew I chose

1324
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:36,040
Speaker 1: to be here for him. It made him happy to

1325
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:40,320
Speaker 1: know that she still continued to choose to choose him. Yes,

1326
00:59:40,400 --> 00:59:43,400
Speaker 1: when she needed to scratch it, she still has her

1327
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:46,680
Speaker 1: ring on. She gave him a key, so she's choosing

1328
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:49,600
Speaker 1: to do these things. It made him more fulfilled than

1329
00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:51,880
Speaker 1: any title would have, because imagine if she accepted the

1330
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:52,800
Speaker 1: title but still.

1331
00:59:52,600 --> 00:59:54,840
Speaker 2: Moved the way she was moving exactly some things.

1332
00:59:55,120 --> 00:59:57,560
Speaker 1: Sometimes titles are in everything they are, and you just

1333
00:59:57,600 --> 00:59:59,120
Speaker 1: have to do what's right for you. We don't know

1334
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:01,480
Speaker 1: her trauma and what she's going through to make her

1335
01:00:01,480 --> 01:00:03,240
Speaker 1: feel like she wants a little bit of distance, but

1336
01:00:03,280 --> 01:00:04,920
Speaker 1: to keep him there. She could have been through anything,

1337
01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:08,480
Speaker 1: you know, for example, you know, finding out that my

1338
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:11,240
Speaker 1: grandmother had been through some tumultuous stuff with my grandfather,

1339
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:12,560
Speaker 1: and that was the choice.

1340
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:14,040
Speaker 3: Literally, you know what I'm saying.

1341
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: She made the right decisions for herself, and that met

1342
01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:19,080
Speaker 1: my Papa John.

1343
01:00:19,240 --> 01:00:20,720
Speaker 2: And they didn't have a title for years.

1344
01:00:20,760 --> 01:00:23,919
Speaker 1: They didn't and they weren't married, and they didn't live together. Yep.

1345
01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:27,000
Speaker 1: He lived up in Poughkeepsie. She lived in Brooklyn for years,

1346
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:29,680
Speaker 1: like majority of my life. They didn't get married until

1347
01:00:29,680 --> 01:00:30,600
Speaker 1: I was grown. Yeah.

1348
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 2: I think they maybe just celebrated like a tenth wedding anniversary. Yeah,

1349
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:35,800
Speaker 2: and then he just turned eighty, so you know what

1350
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:38,800
Speaker 2: I'm saying. So it definitely worked for them. I'm so

1351
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:41,880
Speaker 2: happy for the update, brother thing man, thank you for

1352
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:43,640
Speaker 2: feeling us. And I love to hear I love to

1353
01:00:43,680 --> 01:00:45,760
Speaker 2: keep living. I love to hear it.

1354
01:00:45,800 --> 01:00:47,840
Speaker 1: The last thing is keep doing what makes you happy,

1355
01:00:48,320 --> 01:00:50,400
Speaker 1: even in this situation. If after a while you realize

1356
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,880
Speaker 1: you know what I want something more permanent. It's okay

1357
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:54,600
Speaker 1: to be like, you know what, I think I'm to

1358
01:00:54,840 --> 01:00:57,360
Speaker 1: find it. You know that the time was, what the

1359
01:00:57,400 --> 01:00:59,000
Speaker 1: time was. I love the kids, I love you, but

1360
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:01,400
Speaker 1: I want my own wife and I want my own kids.

1361
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:03,040
Speaker 1: I think I'm going to go find that. That's okay

1362
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:03,439
Speaker 1: as well.

1363
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:06,120
Speaker 2: Great, that's great, all right, y'all. If you want to

1364
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:07,880
Speaker 2: be featured as one of our listener letters, or if

1365
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:09,720
Speaker 2: you want to give us an update from a previous

1366
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:11,760
Speaker 2: listener letter. We even had a couple of listener letters

1367
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:13,640
Speaker 2: that I heard, I've seen in the comments or someone

1368
01:01:13,640 --> 01:01:15,600
Speaker 2: has sent it to us, like I think I had

1369
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,600
Speaker 2: an episode with I don't know if it was Jazzy

1370
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:18,880
Speaker 2: or someone else, and they were like, we want to

1371
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:21,320
Speaker 2: hear davous perspective on this listener letter, So right back in.

1372
01:01:21,360 --> 01:01:23,480
Speaker 2: If there's something that wasn't there, or if you want

1373
01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:26,400
Speaker 2: Davous perspective on a Day with K episode, write us

1374
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:29,320
Speaker 2: back at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.

1375
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:31,760
Speaker 1: And that's D E A D A S S A

1376
01:01:31,960 --> 01:01:34,960
Speaker 1: D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1377
01:01:35,040 --> 01:01:37,840
Speaker 2: All Right, moment of truth time. We're talking about the

1378
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:42,880
Speaker 2: power of conceding in a relationship and mine is pretty simple.

1379
01:01:43,480 --> 01:01:49,880
Speaker 2: I think that where accountability meets conceding in a relationship

1380
01:01:50,080 --> 01:01:54,120
Speaker 2: meets taking responsibility. Come on, that's where that was.

1381
01:01:54,160 --> 01:01:58,520
Speaker 3: Yours mine was where accountability meets maturity.

1382
01:01:58,840 --> 01:01:59,760
Speaker 2: Okay, that's a good one.

1383
01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:01,880
Speaker 1: That's where it was, and that's that's to me. We're

1384
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:03,760
Speaker 1: conceding in a relations where accountability just.

1385
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:05,760
Speaker 2: One dual moment moment truth.

1386
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:07,920
Speaker 3: We both conceded and came up with the same moment.

1387
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:11,360
Speaker 2: That see and figured it out along the way. But literally,

1388
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:14,200
Speaker 2: for me, the biggest thing that I had to work

1389
01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:17,440
Speaker 2: through as an individual, as a person, it's the accountability

1390
01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:20,400
Speaker 2: portion of it and how that allowed me to freely

1391
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,880
Speaker 2: concede within my relationship knowing that there's certain things that

1392
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 2: I am great at and I can lend into the relationship,

1393
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:31,680
Speaker 2: and then there's certain things that I have to let

1394
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:35,280
Speaker 2: Deval take care of or call for outside help or

1395
01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:38,320
Speaker 2: whatever the case may be. But me saying I just

1396
01:02:38,440 --> 01:02:41,080
Speaker 2: can't in this moment, and it's okay for me also

1397
01:02:41,120 --> 01:02:43,160
Speaker 2: so comfortable that I've done the wrong thing and I

1398
01:02:43,240 --> 01:02:45,600
Speaker 2: might have to pivot or Devot may have to come.

1399
01:02:45,480 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 1: In and save me, Like that's okay, that's what's up.

1400
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:53,520
Speaker 1: I minds simple. I've learned to concede control as a

1401
01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:58,400
Speaker 1: man who who's grown up with an old school mentality,

1402
01:02:58,480 --> 01:03:00,720
Speaker 1: it's you know, you run your house, and you control

1403
01:03:00,800 --> 01:03:02,800
Speaker 1: list and you make sure. I've learned to be like,

1404
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:06,040
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't have to control everything in

1405
01:03:06,120 --> 01:03:08,440
Speaker 1: order for us to be successful. And I've conceded a

1406
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:11,680
Speaker 1: lot of control, and it's been to our advancement.

1407
01:03:11,800 --> 01:03:13,280
Speaker 3: You know, it's helped us thrive.

1408
01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:15,600
Speaker 1: So shout out to you for that, shout out to

1409
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:19,440
Speaker 1: us for learning ourselves, and also shout out to our

1410
01:03:19,520 --> 01:03:21,920
Speaker 1: kids for having the patience to go through this with us.

1411
01:03:21,800 --> 01:03:23,200
Speaker 2: Because especially Jackson.

1412
01:03:23,440 --> 01:03:25,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's the oldest. He's like the practice kid.

1413
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:28,720
Speaker 2: You know. He gives us so much grace too, he does,

1414
01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:30,480
Speaker 2: and he has those random moments where he comes up

1415
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:32,080
Speaker 2: and he's just like, Mom, I love you, give you

1416
01:03:32,120 --> 01:03:33,040
Speaker 2: a hug. Dad, I love it.

1417
01:03:33,920 --> 01:03:35,920
Speaker 1: He said. I'm gonna keep telling you that he tad

1418
01:03:35,960 --> 01:03:38,439
Speaker 1: this to me. Last night. I was sitting there after

1419
01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:41,200
Speaker 1: the whole hip thing and him him once again me

1420
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,480
Speaker 1: being honest and be like, man, you know, Dad fucked up.

1421
01:03:43,840 --> 01:03:45,520
Speaker 1: You know I put a little bit too much on you.

1422
01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:47,600
Speaker 1: And he was just like, now, it's cool. You know,

1423
01:03:47,920 --> 01:03:50,160
Speaker 1: I love you Dad. You know you really be watching

1424
01:03:50,200 --> 01:03:51,880
Speaker 1: me and taking care of me. I said, I appreciate

1425
01:03:51,920 --> 01:03:54,520
Speaker 1: that he's I'm gonna keep telling you. I was like, damn.

1426
01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:57,240
Speaker 1: It made me feel good that he recognizes that I'm trying.

1427
01:03:57,560 --> 01:03:59,520
Speaker 1: But I'm also not afraid of saying I made a

1428
01:03:59,560 --> 01:04:00,560
Speaker 1: mistake exactly.

1429
01:04:00,640 --> 01:04:02,760
Speaker 2: And I think that's where the appreciation that like, yeah,

1430
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:05,040
Speaker 2: that dual reciprocity that we have with him is like,

1431
01:04:05,160 --> 01:04:08,960
Speaker 2: it's great, It's great. All right, y'all, Keep on listening,

1432
01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:11,920
Speaker 2: keep on sharing. Be sure to follow us on Patreon

1433
01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:15,240
Speaker 2: to say exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content shout out

1434
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:18,840
Speaker 2: to our Patreon gang gang. And if you are not

1435
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:21,360
Speaker 2: following us on social media, where have you been? We

1436
01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:24,840
Speaker 2: have a whole last page on Instagram dead Ass the

1437
01:04:24,840 --> 01:04:28,080
Speaker 2: Podcast where you can see clips from other podcast episodes,

1438
01:04:28,120 --> 01:04:30,480
Speaker 2: past podcast episodes. We're going to keep posting on there

1439
01:04:30,520 --> 01:04:33,480
Speaker 2: and really cranking out all these episodes. You know, there

1440
01:04:33,560 --> 01:04:35,920
Speaker 2: might be a throwback Thursday or flashback Friday, so you

1441
01:04:35,960 --> 01:04:37,880
Speaker 2: can listen to an old episode that you might have missed,

1442
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:40,640
Speaker 2: And you can follow me at Kadeen I am.

1443
01:04:40,640 --> 01:04:41,440
Speaker 3: And I Am Devout.

1444
01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:45,280
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe,

1445
01:04:45,280 --> 01:04:47,200
Speaker 1: and pick up your copy of We over Meet, The

1446
01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:49,560
Speaker 1: counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want.

1447
01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:53,680
Speaker 2: It is release, It is down there, and it's Lady season. Y'all.

1448
01:04:53,800 --> 01:04:55,640
Speaker 2: Grab your dead Ass merch baby, so you can be

1449
01:04:55,680 --> 01:04:58,880
Speaker 2: fly son, you can be drippy this fall into the winter.

1450
01:04:59,320 --> 01:04:59,960
Speaker 2: Dead Ass, y'all.

1451
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:06,360
Speaker 1: Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network

1452
01:05:06,400 --> 01:05:09,600
Speaker 1: and its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the

1453
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:12,440
Speaker 1: podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and

1454
01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:13,480
Speaker 1: never miss a Thing