1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, or welcome back to the show. Welcome back 6 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 2: to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are 7 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,959 Speaker 2: in the world, it is so great to have you here, 8 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,480 Speaker 2: back for another episode as we of course break down 9 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. There is a lot going 10 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,959 Speaker 2: on during this decade, and we talk about a lot 11 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 2: of it on this podcast. Heartbreak, grief, feeling confused about 12 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 2: our future, our careers, our friendships, our relationship with our families, 13 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,320 Speaker 2: our bodies, ourselves, the state of the world. But what 14 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 2: we don't talk about a lot is how to cope 15 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 2: with so much going on. Sometimes we can get really 16 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 2: wrapped up in our experiences and our emotions, and the 17 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 2: only solution that we have is to begin to rely 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 2: on some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms, or we kind of 19 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 2: go numb completely and we tune it all out, only 20 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 2: to really see our emotional and our mental state get 21 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,560 Speaker 2: worse and worse. But there is of course an alternative, 22 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 2: and today I want to discuss our ways of coping 23 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 2: and dealing with whatever it is you have going on 24 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 2: in your life, and our ways of coping in a 25 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,279 Speaker 2: positive and healthy way. For me, I always see coping 26 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,959 Speaker 2: mechanisms as like the umbrella in a storm. They shelter 27 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,119 Speaker 2: us from the worst of the weather in our lives. 28 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 2: As cheesy as that sounds, and you know, the storm 29 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 2: doesn't stop. We might still feel a few rain drops, 30 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,920 Speaker 2: but our coping mechanisms are the thing that shields us. 31 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 2: There are so many proactive ways that we can, you know, 32 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 2: seriously help ourselves out during tough times or even regular 33 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,080 Speaker 2: times when things set us back or frustrate us. And 34 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 2: it is so wild to me that in all of 35 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 2: our years at school being taught calculous and long division 36 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,520 Speaker 2: and the history of civilizations that aren't even around anymore, 37 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,639 Speaker 2: all things that I'm sure are very important, But amongst 38 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 2: all of that, we are never really taught how to 39 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 2: properly regulate our emotions and our nervous system. We are 40 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 2: never taught effective psychological strategies for managing some of those 41 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 2: universal things in our lives, for managing failure or loss 42 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 2: or distress. And these are skills that I think everyone 43 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 2: could use. I don't think I know everyone could use these, 44 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,320 Speaker 2: and they are so often neglected or left out of 45 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 2: our education or our general knowledge, and just personally, I 46 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,040 Speaker 2: believe that you shouldn't need a psychology degree or years 47 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,959 Speaker 2: of therapy to know how to make life work best 48 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 2: for you. Today, we are going to break down these 49 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 2: psychology of coping mechanisms. We are going to talk about 50 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 2: the different categories of coping skills and coping mechanisms that 51 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:14,440 Speaker 2: we come across, from emotion focus to problem focused, to 52 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 2: adaptive versus maladaptive. You know, here's the thing, not all 53 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms are created equal. There are a whole lot 54 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,359 Speaker 2: of behaviors that may make us feel better in the moment, 55 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 2: but which are super detrimental in the long term. Alcohol 56 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 2: is a great example of that. You know, Yes, it 57 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 2: naturally lowers our levels of anxiety, and if that was 58 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,280 Speaker 2: the only thing that we were concerned with, well then 59 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 2: that's great, But it can also create dependency and addiction. 60 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 2: And the same goes for a lot of avoidant coping mechanisms. 61 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,279 Speaker 2: Ignoring the bad situation, just trying to minimize the emotional 62 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:57,920 Speaker 2: reaction that we are having rather than actively making our 63 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 2: circumstances better or act trying to improve our mood and 64 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 2: improve what's going on around us. I also want to 65 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 2: briefly discuss defense mechanisms. I feel like they come up 66 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 2: a lot, but there is actually a huge difference between 67 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms, and finally, the ways that 68 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:23,159 Speaker 2: we can really tap into our subconscious to get to 69 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 2: the bottom of what's bothering us and really find a 70 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 2: way through. So that was a bit of a ramble. 71 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 2: Enough of that, without further ado, Let's talk about the 72 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 2: psychology behind our coping mechanisms and how we can make 73 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:44,720 Speaker 2: the most out of them. So let's start super simple 74 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 2: and from the beginning, what is coping? What are coping mechanisms. 75 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 2: Coping is not just about getting over something and moving on, 76 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:57,279 Speaker 2: because by definition, coping is not a passive process. It 77 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 2: is an active choice around integrating and recognizing and experience 78 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 2: fully sitting with it and finding a way forward. It 79 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 2: is not pushing it to the sidelines. It's not hoping 80 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 2: that it will go away. It is being the person 81 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 2: who takes things by the reins and moves through them 82 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 2: as hard as they may be, and coping behaviors. Coping 83 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 2: mechanisms are the tools that we use in that kind 84 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 2: of journey, in that battle. Coping behaviors are voluntary and 85 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 2: conscious ways of managing stressful situations and events by responding 86 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 2: to either our emotions about the problem or the problem itself. 87 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 2: It is essentially any way that we choose to manage trauma, 88 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 2: to manage stress, pain, anything emotionally unpleasant. And the word 89 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,480 Speaker 2: conscious and voluntary is super important to focus on here 90 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 2: because it is what distinguishes our coping mechanisms from our 91 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:02,800 Speaker 2: defense mechanisms. So, in contrast to the very active nature 92 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 2: of coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms are unconscious and they occur 93 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 2: beyond our level of awarenes it's very deep in the mind. 94 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 2: The idea behind them is that when something occurs that 95 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 2: is anxiety inducing or upsetting, or that our conscious mind 96 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,159 Speaker 2: just simply can't deal with, can't process, our unconscious mind 97 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,960 Speaker 2: switches into gear and employs a number of backup strategies 98 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 2: so that we don't feel the full force of an 99 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:36,040 Speaker 2: emotion or a situation. So these defense mechanisms, they were 100 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 2: first labeled by Freud, the grandfather of psychoanalytic psychology, but 101 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 2: they were actually really articulated by his daughter, Anna, And 102 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,840 Speaker 2: Anna often gets left out of a lot of the 103 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,920 Speaker 2: conversations around the history of psychology and some of the 104 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,920 Speaker 2: main theories that have come up in the last one 105 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 2: hundred years, including this one. And she kind of took 106 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 2: over the baton from her father and expanded a lot 107 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 2: of his work into what we know it is today. 108 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,720 Speaker 2: So you've probably heard of a few defense mechanisms in 109 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 2: your lifetime, even if you have like zero experience with 110 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:16,520 Speaker 2: therapy or psychology. Denial is a big one, being unable 111 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 2: to accept reality that is actually a defense mechanism. Another 112 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 2: one is repression, or what we would call motivated forgetting 113 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,880 Speaker 2: pushing an unpleasant experience very way down subconsciously when we 114 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 2: aren't prepared to deal with it. Let me think of 115 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 2: a few others of my favorite projection attributing our unwonted 116 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 2: thoughts and feelings to another person Like you might not 117 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 2: like them very much, but deep down in the hidden 118 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 2: parts of your mind, you know that that's not an 119 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 2: appropriate thing to feel or admit, so you end up 120 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 2: believing that they don't like you as a way to 121 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 2: protect yourself and your unacceptable desires. That's projection. Regression is 122 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 2: another one, regret, you know, reverting back to a less 123 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 2: mature version of yourself to deal with the situation that 124 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:11,679 Speaker 2: is really distressing. So those are defense mechanisms. The reason 125 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 2: that we want to prioritize coping mechanisms and why they 126 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 2: always come at on top of here, is because they 127 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 2: are something that we can control, whereas our defense mechanisms 128 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,679 Speaker 2: are something that we can't. They are, you know, stemming 129 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:28,320 Speaker 2: from our subconscious, which means that they are automatic. They're 130 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 2: often controlled by impulse, by ego, by trauma, and so 131 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:38,439 Speaker 2: not entirely beneficial in these circumstances, even if we feel 132 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,599 Speaker 2: like they're protecting us, even if they are still managing 133 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 2: or reducing our stress. Defense mechanisms kind of take us 134 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,319 Speaker 2: out from behind the wheel and put us in the 135 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 2: passenger steat. Coping mechanisms make us the driver. So coping 136 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,920 Speaker 2: mechanisms is where it's at, and you probably know quite 137 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:03,880 Speaker 2: a few. These are things typically like meditation, exercise, nature walks, practicing, gratitude, journaling, 138 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,840 Speaker 2: processing your emotions with a friend, humor, making light of 139 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 2: a situation, planning, rationalizing a problem, but then also things 140 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 2: like numbing yourself isolating yourself, binge eating, binge drinking, risk taking. 141 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:23,400 Speaker 2: All of these behaviors, the good and the bad, they 142 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 2: have an important component. Their performance serves some secondary mental purpose. 143 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,720 Speaker 2: For example, you might take major risks to achieve a 144 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 2: high that makes the bad feelings feel less sharp. You 145 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 2: journal not just because you like the look of the 146 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 2: words on the page, but because there is some emotional 147 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 2: clarity achieved through this practice, some kind of peace that 148 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 2: you are able to voluntarily bring to yourself without waiting 149 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 2: for the situation to change. So our pattern of coping mechanisms, 150 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 2: that huge list that we just spoke about, they often 151 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:09,880 Speaker 2: become quite entrenched and they form a habit, meaning that 152 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 2: when something really stressful happens in our lives, we tend 153 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:17,960 Speaker 2: to respond to those situations in the same way every 154 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 2: single time because we kind of know what works, we 155 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 2: know what makes us feel better. Of course, there's a catch. 156 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 2: We think we know what makes us feel better. Sometimes 157 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,840 Speaker 2: these coping mechanisms that we're using, whether that is exercising, journaling, 158 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:36,600 Speaker 2: binge drinking, it's what we learn from our parents. Other 159 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 2: times it's just an emotional reflex. We responded to a 160 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 2: really awful situation once in some kind of way. We 161 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 2: responded by talking it out with a friend, or we 162 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 2: responded by going off and speeding around in our car, 163 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:55,239 Speaker 2: and it kind of worked. So we learned the association 164 00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 2: between the behavior, the coping mechanism, and feeling better, and 165 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 2: so now that's what we rely on. It's kind of 166 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 2: like the analogy I always give is going back to 167 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 2: the same mechanic for your car, even if you might 168 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,599 Speaker 2: be able to get a better price or service elsewhere, 169 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 2: because it's just like what you trust and what you know, 170 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,280 Speaker 2: and it kind of gets the job done. Even if 171 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,520 Speaker 2: you know that you know there might be a better 172 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 2: mechanic who could give you a better price, or who 173 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 2: could fix your car faster, a better coping mechanism, you 174 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 2: become kind of entrapped in what you know and what 175 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 2: you've always relied on. For example, I have a really 176 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 2: good friend who every time she's frustrated, every time she 177 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 2: has to work late, every time she is annoyed at 178 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 2: her family, she will switch off her phone and she 179 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 2: will go for a run, and it really helps her. 180 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:49,199 Speaker 2: It's super effective, but it doesn't work in every circumstance, right, 181 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 2: like if you're on a plane or if you're injured. 182 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 2: That's why we need a toolkit of coping mechanisms. We 183 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,440 Speaker 2: can't just rely on one and the only one that 184 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 2: you know, we come back to every time that makes 185 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,839 Speaker 2: us feel better. For me, you know, I really like 186 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,719 Speaker 2: to sit and intellectualize my problems. I don't think that's 187 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 2: a surprise. I literally have a psychology your podcast where 188 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 2: I break down every single thought I ever have. But sometimes, 189 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,720 Speaker 2: you know, for me, a feeling can't be rationalized, It 190 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 2: just needs to be felt, which is why we need 191 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 2: a toolkit, which is why we need multiple coping mechanisms. 192 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:28,319 Speaker 2: So regardless of what habits have formed, these all kind 193 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 2: of create a coping style. And there are four different 194 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:37,720 Speaker 2: ways that we cope, four different categories that all of 195 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 2: these behaviors fall into. So the first one is problem 196 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:47,560 Speaker 2: focused coping. So this addresses the problem causing the distress 197 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 2: by planning out a solution or waiting till it's an 198 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 2: appropriate time to act, looking at the problem and kind 199 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,440 Speaker 2: of realizing that if the problem goes away, if we 200 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 2: can find way to work around it, our stress, our distress, 201 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,800 Speaker 2: our grief will go away as well. That's problem focused 202 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 2: the first category. Then we have emotion focused coping. This 203 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 2: basically aims to cope by just reducing the negative emotions 204 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 2: associated with the problem. You might not actually do anything 205 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,680 Speaker 2: about the problem, it's just kind of treating how you 206 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 2: feel about it. So reframing the situation is something positive acceptance, 207 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 2: turning to humor, turning to spirituality, or of course suppressing it. 208 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,200 Speaker 2: Then we have meaning focused coping, which kind of falls 209 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 2: into emotion focused coping. So under emotion focus coping there 210 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 2: is meaning focused and social coping. So meaning focused is 211 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:51,719 Speaker 2: when you and I might use cognitive strategies or some 212 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 2: kind of part of our belief system to make it 213 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,720 Speaker 2: seem like this situation has some kind of higher meaning 214 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 2: to it. So if you hear people say, you know, 215 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 2: everything happens for a reason, or rejection is just redirection 216 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 2: in response to something really awful or unfortunate happening, that 217 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:14,080 Speaker 2: is them applying a meaning focused coping style, and it's 218 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,839 Speaker 2: their way of pushing through the situation by once again 219 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 2: applying some kind of higher belief or higher reasoning to 220 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 2: why they're going through that it makes it like a 221 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 2: little bit easier to swallow. And finally we have social coping, 222 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,480 Speaker 2: also known as support seeking where you know, we reduce 223 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 2: our stress by seeking out the support of friends or 224 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,040 Speaker 2: family or seeking out others around us to make us 225 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,680 Speaker 2: feel better. So the best coping style, not that it's 226 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 2: a competition, but it kind of is the best of 227 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 2: them all, the one that gets the gold start every 228 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 2: single time, is actually a combination. It is a coping 229 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 2: style that incorporates all dimensions of those four different categories. 230 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 2: It's problem focused, emotion focus, meaning focused, and we can 231 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 2: always pull out social coping if we need it, And 232 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 2: it's kind of like a healthy diet. You know, you 233 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 2: can't just eat one food group. You can't just really 234 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:14,160 Speaker 2: rely on social coping or meaning focused coping and expect 235 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,960 Speaker 2: to have the proper nutrition or the proper skills. So 236 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 2: there's been some really interesting studies recently that have actually 237 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 2: suggested that, you know, having a combination of all of 238 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 2: these different types of coping is best. But also problem 239 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 2: focused coping strategies need to make up the majority. And 240 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 2: the reason why is because problem focused coping mechanisms are 241 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,120 Speaker 2: what gives us a sense of control over the problem. 242 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 2: They are what show us that we have agency, that 243 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 2: we can change the outcome of a situation. Whereas meaning 244 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 2: focused coping, social coping, emotional coping, they all kind of say, 245 00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 2: you know, bad things just happen to us and we 246 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 2: have to find a way to deal with them, rather 247 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 2: than we have some level of control over our circumstances. So, 248 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 2: of course there are certain things that we just you know, 249 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 2: death is one of them, failure is another. They do 250 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,760 Speaker 2: just happen, and sometimes we do have to be reactive 251 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 2: to that and find a way to pull through. But 252 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 2: the reason problem focuscroping is so important is because the 253 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 2: rest of those things that occur, you know, all these 254 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 2: other circumstances that might happen, failure actually being one of them. Right, 255 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 2: you fail a test, you fail your driving test, I 256 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 2: don't know, you fail an exam, you go through a breakup, 257 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 2: whatever it is. There is only so much that dealing 258 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 2: with the emotion can help you before you have to 259 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 2: think about how you can move on and what kind 260 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 2: of strategies you can put in place before that happens. 261 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 2: The stress is always going to remain in some form, 262 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 2: and it might return. Because the other thing that links emotions, 263 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 2: social and meaning based coping is that they are reactive 264 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 2: versus proactive. So what does that mean exactly well. Coping, 265 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,639 Speaker 2: like I said, isn't just about making ourselves feel better 266 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,400 Speaker 2: in response to an event. That is part of it. 267 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,199 Speaker 2: You know, you really can't do anything if you're paralyzed 268 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 2: by fear, regret, pain, stress, so you have to kind 269 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 2: of move past that first. But the next level up 270 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 2: from that is also doing a favor for our future 271 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 2: selves and doing what we can to prevent that situation 272 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:31,520 Speaker 2: from happening again, whatever it may be. That is why 273 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,679 Speaker 2: problem focused coping is known as proactive, because it is 274 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 2: also protective. So, for example, if you keep getting into 275 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:43,880 Speaker 2: fights with your partner and it's extremely distressing, and the 276 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 2: only way that you can push through it is by 277 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,920 Speaker 2: you know, going and having like a huge ran about 278 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 2: it to your friends, you know, involving social coping, and 279 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,159 Speaker 2: then you move on. You are kind of bound to 280 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 2: keep having that fight, You are bound to keep going 281 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,159 Speaker 2: through that cycle. But if you respect by yeah, firstly 282 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 2: of course seeking support, but then also going to counseling 283 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 2: or setting boundaries for yourself or taking a step back 284 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,920 Speaker 2: when you are arguing and realizing it's not working, you're 285 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:15,840 Speaker 2: also developing and evolving rather than just making yourself feel better. 286 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,679 Speaker 2: And I think that's something that I've realized the older 287 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 2: that I've gotten. It's not just about, you know, it's 288 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,400 Speaker 2: not just about always giving myself the benefit of the doubt. 289 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:31,720 Speaker 2: It's not just about always soothing hard things. It's also 290 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,119 Speaker 2: about doing things that are going to make my life 291 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 2: better in the long term. Like my future self is 292 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,760 Speaker 2: just as important in that situation as my current feelings. 293 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 2: And I think that that is a perfect kind of 294 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,640 Speaker 2: segue into talking about another very important distinction, the crucial 295 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 2: difference between adaptive coping mechanisms versus maladaptive coping mechanisms. Why 296 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 2: is it that sometimes we choose coping mechanisms that are 297 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 2: actually self destructive, that actually hurt us more like you know, 298 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 2: going and speaking to a friend every time we get 299 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 2: into a fight, rather than actually trying to improve our relationship. 300 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 2: It feels very instinctual, it feels very meaningful, perhaps in 301 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,200 Speaker 2: the moment, But why is it that we find ourselves 302 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 2: in these cycles of not actually wanting to perhaps improve 303 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,159 Speaker 2: our circumstances or not even knowing how to do it. 304 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,560 Speaker 2: So we're going to talk about that after this short break. 305 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:33,200 Speaker 2: Stay with us. When something really awful happens, or even 306 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 2: something frustrating or overwhelming. Sometimes all we want to do 307 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 2: is distract ourselves and ignore it entirely. We want to 308 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 2: completely disengage. That is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. 309 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:46,679 Speaker 2: Like I said before, right at the very beginning, not 310 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,080 Speaker 2: all ways of coping or created equally. Some actually end 311 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 2: up doing more harm than good avoidance. As an example, 312 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,159 Speaker 2: even if in the moment they serve the primary purpose 313 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 2: of making us feel it tied better, sometimes they actually 314 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,560 Speaker 2: make this situation worse, or they make our emotional response 315 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,760 Speaker 2: to a situation worse in the long term. So that 316 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 2: is where the distinction between an adaptive versus maladaptive coping 317 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 2: mechanism comes into play. Adaptive coping mechanisms are positive. They 318 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,400 Speaker 2: help us evolve, They help us grow from a situation, 319 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,439 Speaker 2: even if it's baby steps. They are what we want. 320 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 2: Maladaptive coping mechanisms they're quite shallow and they work in 321 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 2: the short term, but they do so by hiding the 322 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 2: problem from us. They hide the situation from us by 323 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,760 Speaker 2: getting us to just focus on dealing with what we're feeling. 324 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 2: They also often have negative consequences. Actually, that's a huge factor. 325 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 2: They always do. That's what makes the maladaptive, and like 326 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 2: I said, they're emotion based, not problem based. Let me 327 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,479 Speaker 2: give you some examples of what I mean here. So 328 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 2: I spoke about this before, but binge drinking is a 329 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,439 Speaker 2: huge one, and definitely a huge noteworthy one because amongst 330 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,399 Speaker 2: twenty year olds, twenty something year olds, most people in 331 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 2: this decade, alcohol is just so widely accepted and excessive 332 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 2: drinking is so tolerated that sometimes we don't even realize 333 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 2: that we are using alcohol or some other substance to 334 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:16,120 Speaker 2: numb our pain as like dramatic as that sounds. Alcohol 335 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 2: is naturally a depressant, which means that it slows down 336 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 2: how messages travel through our body, including anxious messages, and 337 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:29,360 Speaker 2: so initially when something really terrible happens, having like half 338 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:31,439 Speaker 2: a bottle of wine is going to make you feel 339 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,200 Speaker 2: more relaxed. It's going to make you feel better. It's 340 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 2: a lot harder to focus on our worries when you 341 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,679 Speaker 2: know we're a bit tipsy or we're drunk, and in 342 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:45,439 Speaker 2: that way the negative feelings are eliminated. In my own experience, 343 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,399 Speaker 2: the times I have, you know, drunk the most to 344 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 2: be a bit vulnerable with you guys, have been when 345 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,800 Speaker 2: I've been in the most emotional pain at the end 346 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 2: of a relationship, when I first moved to a new city, 347 00:21:57,119 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 2: in a new no one and I was really, really lonely. 348 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,200 Speaker 2: And any kind of substance that numbs us or artificially 349 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 2: induces you know a lot of happy feelings that kind 350 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:13,040 Speaker 2: of mask the real problem is a form of maladaptive coping, 351 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 2: because it is keeping you attached to the idea that 352 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,840 Speaker 2: if you feel better, you are moving forward. So, speaking 353 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,879 Speaker 2: of alcohol consumption, let's also talk about food as well. 354 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 2: Emotional eating is another maladaptive coping mechanism. So I did 355 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,520 Speaker 2: do an entire episode on this last year. It's episode 356 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,880 Speaker 2: one hundred and thirty five if you want to listen 357 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,160 Speaker 2: to it, and it really goes into this a lot more, 358 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 2: but sometimes not always, but sometimes we eat as a 359 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 2: way of regulating our emotions rather than from a place 360 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,280 Speaker 2: of actual hunger. Like food is a form and a 361 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,320 Speaker 2: source of comfort. Food is warm, food is filling, and 362 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:57,520 Speaker 2: it also elicits feelings of control, feelings of fullness where 363 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 2: emotional fullness perhaps is possible underneath it all though the 364 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 2: emotions remain the same. It is once again a band aid, 365 00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 2: another huge one. An honorable mention, I don't know, A 366 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:14,080 Speaker 2: dishonorable mention maybe, but a huge one for our twenties 367 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 2: is isolating ourselves and withdrawing. Often we don't even realize 368 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 2: that we're doing this. We think that we are helping ourselves. 369 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 2: We think that we are helping those around us. We 370 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 2: think that we are giving ourselves space to process, but 371 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,639 Speaker 2: we are actually reducing the social resources that we have 372 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 2: available to us, those social touch points that help so much. 373 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,520 Speaker 2: You know what if we actually, unconsciously as well, like 374 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 2: with withdrawal, are punishing ourselves because we don't feel like 375 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,200 Speaker 2: it should be somebody else's problem, or we don't feel 376 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,600 Speaker 2: like we deserve empathy or we deserve support. There was 377 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,119 Speaker 2: this paper published in two thousand and one that I 378 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,960 Speaker 2: read when I was researching this episode, and it spoke 379 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 2: about how isolation is often a self induced coping mechanism 380 00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:04,160 Speaker 2: to deal with excessive worry and to avoid human interaction. 381 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 2: We herm it. Obviously, that is not always the case, right. 382 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 2: Sometimes the fact that we don't have social support is 383 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 2: what causes us to use other maladaptive coping mechanisms. But 384 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 2: sometimes as well, withdrawing from a social support system or 385 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,959 Speaker 2: from friends and family and who are available is a 386 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 2: way of coping that we don't realize we're doing. And 387 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 2: it's kind of no surprise to me that this mechanism, 388 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 2: it often does co occur with things like depression or 389 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 2: social anxiety, where there is already a tendency within these 390 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 2: conditions towards withdrawal escapism. That is another maladaptive coping mechanism, 391 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,280 Speaker 2: finding comfort in a reality or a fantasy that is 392 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:53,080 Speaker 2: detached from your own, like binge watching endless hours of TV, 393 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 2: or escapism through daydreaming, putting up this wall between you 394 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 2: and reality, you and the situation that you're dealing with 395 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 2: through a form of really emotionally consuming destruction. And this 396 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,560 Speaker 2: really links to the last example I'll give today, because 397 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,200 Speaker 2: you know, the list could definitely go on, but this 398 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 2: is the example they gave at the beginning, which is 399 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:21,439 Speaker 2: avoidance outright ignoring the problem. Now, this might sound a 400 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 2: lot like denial, which we know as a defense mechanism, 401 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,119 Speaker 2: because it's you know, it's similar, right, it's pretending the 402 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 2: problem doesn't exist. But actually, with avoidance, it's a conscious 403 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,639 Speaker 2: choice to look away. You kind of know that the 404 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,800 Speaker 2: situation is happening. You know that if you were to 405 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 2: seriously deal with it, it would be really painful or tricky 406 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 2: or stressful. Denial is not even realizing that there is 407 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:50,120 Speaker 2: a problem. You know, you're choosing to postpone or choosing 408 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:54,120 Speaker 2: to avoid or evade a problem. With avoidance denial, you're 409 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,640 Speaker 2: just completely politifully unaware that it's even happening. So, if 410 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:03,440 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms are voluntary, and we know these behaviors keep 411 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,040 Speaker 2: leading us back to the same or even a darker place, 412 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 2: why do we do it? Why do we use poor 413 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,800 Speaker 2: forms of coping? There is not one answer for you. 414 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 2: My answer is that it's complicated, but I will offer 415 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 2: you a few explanations. The first and most simple explanation 416 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 2: is that maladaptive coping mechanisms are sometimes just more accessible. 417 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:29,199 Speaker 2: They are easier for relieving the immediate discomfort, whereas adaptive 418 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:33,640 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms sometimes require you know, it's a hard reality, 419 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,159 Speaker 2: They require a bit of an investment. They kind of 420 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 2: take longer to help. If you've just gotten broken up 421 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 2: with or you've just lost out on a really you know, 422 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,760 Speaker 2: amazing opportunity, you've just had a fight, you've gotten your 423 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,520 Speaker 2: hopes up and you've been let down. You know, a 424 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 2: couple glasses of wine and trying not to think about 425 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 2: it is going to immediately make you feel better. But 426 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,080 Speaker 2: you know, meditating, for example, probably isn't going to make 427 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,199 Speaker 2: you feel better if it's your first time ever doing it. 428 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 2: You know, meditation is amazing. I do actually really promote it. 429 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 2: But the thing is that is that it's a practice, right, 430 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 2: It's a skill that builds over time. Whereas anyone over 431 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,879 Speaker 2: the age of eighteen in Australia or you know, twenty 432 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 2: twenty one elsewhere can go and use alcohol, or abuse 433 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 2: alcohol or rely on alcohol, and it's a much quicker fix. Secondly, 434 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 2: sometimes maladaptive coping mechanisms do act as a form of 435 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 2: self sabotage. So if you have poor self esteem, a 436 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:36,120 Speaker 2: lot of self doubt, imposter syndrome maybe as well, when 437 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,400 Speaker 2: bad things happen, it's hard to not see those as 438 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 2: coming down to something wrong with you or some character fault. 439 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 2: You see yourself as a failure, or as a loser, 440 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:49,240 Speaker 2: or as not deserving of love, And why would someone 441 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 2: like that deserve to be taken care of, or deserve 442 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 2: to not be in pain, or deserve to invest in 443 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,400 Speaker 2: healthy coping mechanisms. If at the end of the day 444 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,480 Speaker 2: they are a bad person or they are a lost cause. 445 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,520 Speaker 2: It all comes down to, I think sometimes self esteem 446 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 2: and what we believe that we should be providing with ourselves. 447 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 2: It's interesting because in this case, you know, firstly, those 448 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,800 Speaker 2: false beliefs are entirely untrue, let's get that clear. But secondly, 449 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:21,200 Speaker 2: those beliefs are subconscious, but the actions derived from those 450 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 2: feelings are conscious. So it's like this weird mix of 451 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,840 Speaker 2: defense and coping mechanisms, if that makes sense. Our motivations 452 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:33,119 Speaker 2: are subconscious, but our behavior is conscious, and it is 453 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:37,320 Speaker 2: in response to a feeling that we just can't quite identify. Right, 454 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,719 Speaker 2: We are numbing ourselves. We are withdrawing as a conscious 455 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 2: way of dealing with our emotions because perhaps underneath it all, 456 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,760 Speaker 2: we don't feel like we deserve to offer ourselves something better, 457 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:54,520 Speaker 2: and we are self sabotaging. Generational trauma and learning comes 458 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 2: into this conversation in a major way. Coping strategies begin 459 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 2: in early childhood, and they begin through not just our 460 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 2: own psychological and physical responses to stress and testing what works, 461 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,600 Speaker 2: but also by what we see our parents doing. When 462 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 2: we see our parents engaging in dysfunctional strategies like avoidance, 463 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 2: like numbing themselves with alcohol or food or some other 464 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:26,959 Speaker 2: substance or activity. Not only do we observe and mimic that, 465 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:31,040 Speaker 2: but it can also create a childhood environment in which 466 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 2: we are not taught to accept and hold hard emotions 467 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 2: or to work through them. We are not taught to 468 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,880 Speaker 2: be soft and tender and to turn to others for support, 469 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,720 Speaker 2: but to instead find a way to just feel better 470 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,880 Speaker 2: in the moment and eventually move on. So this is 471 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,480 Speaker 2: a form of emotional and validation. And when you are 472 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:54,320 Speaker 2: told that your emotions, especially as a child, were not reasonable, 473 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:58,400 Speaker 2: they weren't rational, they weren't valid, you're too sensitive. That 474 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:02,120 Speaker 2: becomes part of our habits and part of the suppression, 475 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 2: part of the maladaptive coping that we perform. I feel 476 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,360 Speaker 2: like this is quite obvious, but we see that a 477 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,720 Speaker 2: lot with men, people who are raised as boys and 478 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 2: raised as men, whereby there is such a societal influence 479 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 2: around them at all times to be quiet when it 480 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,280 Speaker 2: comes to their emotional problems. And so it's through that 481 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:28,479 Speaker 2: social conditioning that they learn how to use maladaptive coping 482 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,760 Speaker 2: mechanisms to help themselves, and we all know that doesn't 483 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 2: work right. It ends up in angry outbursts, it ends 484 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 2: up in sabotaging relationships, it ends up in dysfunction. But 485 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,200 Speaker 2: a lot of the times it's not even like we 486 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:46,160 Speaker 2: had a choice. Nobody has set an example. The other 487 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 2: main problem with a lot of these techniques, if we 488 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,200 Speaker 2: can call them that they are techniques for managing emotions, 489 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,040 Speaker 2: is that they actually leave a lot of residual grief, 490 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:58,640 Speaker 2: They leave a lot of residual suffering, residual sadness, residual stress, 491 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 2: because we haven't been proactive about the situation, or we 492 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 2: haven't actually fully processed and moved through the emotion. So 493 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,240 Speaker 2: it goes on to kind of hide and influence our 494 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 2: behavior in other areas. You know, say you've gone through 495 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,280 Speaker 2: a really rough period at work. You do what you 496 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,160 Speaker 2: can to feel better, You cope, you suppress, you drink, 497 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:22,240 Speaker 2: you do whatever it is, and you move on. The 498 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:24,360 Speaker 2: thing is, you actually haven't found a way to make 499 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,000 Speaker 2: your work life better for you, if there even is 500 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,840 Speaker 2: a way. You haven't found a way to put in strategies. 501 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:33,960 Speaker 2: You haven't found a way to talk out your emotions 502 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,720 Speaker 2: or to process them, and so a lot of the time. 503 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,160 Speaker 2: And I remember this happening with me when I worked 504 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,680 Speaker 2: as like a in a corporate job. I would get really, 505 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,080 Speaker 2: really stressed. I would just push it all down. I 506 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:48,000 Speaker 2: would keep busy, and I would notice that in the 507 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,200 Speaker 2: weeks and the days that followed, those bad feelings that 508 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 2: I hadn't actually processed led into my relationships. I would 509 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,440 Speaker 2: start fights with my boyfriend, I would ignore my friends, 510 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 2: and the disruption of that event and experience would remain. Again, 511 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,440 Speaker 2: it is not our fault. That is something I really 512 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 2: want to impress on you all. You've just kind of 513 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 2: picked up on the examples set for you by family, 514 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:15,160 Speaker 2: by peers, by society that you know, really should have 515 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 2: a one oh one class on, like how do you 516 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,720 Speaker 2: actually cope with hard things in life? We have never 517 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 2: had the opportunity or perhaps even in the time to 518 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,840 Speaker 2: see what else is out there, to see how we 519 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 2: could cope better. Because also sometimes like the feelings are 520 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 2: just so intense, we just do what we have to do. 521 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 2: You know, our lives are so busy that sometimes it's 522 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 2: impossible to pull ourselves away and you know, take a 523 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,200 Speaker 2: break or go on a nature walk or to journal 524 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,480 Speaker 2: out our feelings. Sometimes we just have to respond to 525 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:46,240 Speaker 2: what is happening. So one final explanation for an over 526 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 2: reliance or maladaptive coping mechanisms, especially the emotion focused kind, 527 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:57,160 Speaker 2: comes down to a concept in psychology called learned helplessness. 528 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 2: If you've been handed a few sets of just really 529 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:07,400 Speaker 2: bad cards, you've just had some really bad luck recently, Firstly, 530 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 2: you're probably feeling exhausted. But secondly, if your efforts to 531 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:16,400 Speaker 2: keep picking yourself back up and doing better and picking 532 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 2: yourself back up and problem solving and picking yourself up 533 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:23,240 Speaker 2: and having a good attitude, if that just isn't working, 534 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,640 Speaker 2: you've probably adopted an idea that you just don't have 535 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 2: the control that you would like, You don't get a 536 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 2: say in what's happening to you, and so you have 537 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:37,120 Speaker 2: adopted a position of learned helplessness. Sometimes we start to 538 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:40,200 Speaker 2: be quite global with that judgment, right, and we believe 539 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,360 Speaker 2: that the reason all these bad things keep happening is 540 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:45,800 Speaker 2: because we just have bad luck or bad karma, or 541 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,280 Speaker 2: it's a bad period, and so we just endure it 542 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,120 Speaker 2: and we do what we can emotionally, and that means 543 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,640 Speaker 2: sometimes falling into bad habits with how we cope. So 544 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,600 Speaker 2: how do we break this pattern and move away from 545 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 2: avoidant or maladaptive coping to approach orientated coping. How do 546 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,680 Speaker 2: we kind of stop, you know, sometimes making things worse 547 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 2: for ourselves, even though our intentions are merely just to 548 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: feel a little bit more at peace, a little bit 549 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,359 Speaker 2: less stressed. Let's talk about it. So, there is this 550 00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:20,719 Speaker 2: very well known Carl Jung quote that I love, and 551 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,799 Speaker 2: it says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will 552 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 2: direct your life, and you will call it fate. And 553 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,160 Speaker 2: what I always interpret this quote is saying is that 554 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 2: our maladaptive coping skills have an origin. Until we work 555 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 2: out what that is, we are basically destined to always 556 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:45,000 Speaker 2: see life in our circumstances as against us and to 557 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,200 Speaker 2: find ourselves in a bit of a toxic cycle. That 558 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 2: might be a harsh truth, that might be something that 559 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,640 Speaker 2: you don't really want to hear. I probably didn't want 560 00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,640 Speaker 2: to hear it when I first did. But one of 561 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,120 Speaker 2: the only things we can control in this world is 562 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,200 Speaker 2: how we reac act to what happens to us, and 563 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,680 Speaker 2: how we as much as we can positively integrate that 564 00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:08,719 Speaker 2: into our story and find a way to learn and 565 00:35:08,719 --> 00:35:12,440 Speaker 2: grow from it, like it just kind of sucks sometimes 566 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:14,360 Speaker 2: because a lot of the time we didn't do the 567 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:17,080 Speaker 2: damage in the first place, the stress or the pain, 568 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:19,480 Speaker 2: it wasn't caused by us, but we do get to 569 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,240 Speaker 2: reclaim our power in response to it and coming back 570 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:26,560 Speaker 2: to our adaptive, positive ways of coping. So, firstly, if 571 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,279 Speaker 2: you've become really reliant on maladaptive coping, you have to 572 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:35,000 Speaker 2: understand why that might be. Is it past trauma, is 573 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:38,520 Speaker 2: it stress overload? Is it because you don't know any 574 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,400 Speaker 2: other way to cope? Is it the immediate relief? Is 575 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,680 Speaker 2: it the temporary control? Is it history? Getting clear and 576 00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:49,280 Speaker 2: where it begins helps you find an alternative and practice 577 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:53,920 Speaker 2: those positive alternatives. It's really annoying and frustrating that adaptive 578 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 2: coping mechanisms take a while to really take hold, but 579 00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,320 Speaker 2: it's one of those things that really I think deserves 580 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,319 Speaker 2: an investment. I saw this really interesting. I don't know 581 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,239 Speaker 2: if it was on like Twitter or I don't know, 582 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:06,719 Speaker 2: but somebody said this the other day. I read it 583 00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 2: somewhere that was like, you can ruin your life in 584 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 2: a second. What is something that you can do in 585 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 2: that same amount of time that would drastically improve your life, 586 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,920 Speaker 2: and it is positive croping. If you've had a stressful 587 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,600 Speaker 2: day and you want like to have just a huge 588 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 2: rant to your friend, or you want to have half 589 00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,080 Speaker 2: a bottle of wine, try something else first. Try something 590 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,600 Speaker 2: more energetic or nourishing for you, nourishing for your soul, 591 00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:32,400 Speaker 2: nourishing for your mental health. Try something that your mind 592 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,760 Speaker 2: and your nervous system will thank you for later. Maybe 593 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,719 Speaker 2: some somatic healing. Have a dance around your house, get 594 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 2: the nervous energy out some movement, Take ten minutes and 595 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:43,400 Speaker 2: do a brain dump. One of my favorite things to 596 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 2: do is called progressive relaxation, where you work from your 597 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,920 Speaker 2: toes to your forehead, really tensing and then releasing your 598 00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:55,720 Speaker 2: muscles and notice, pay attention. Do you feel the stress 599 00:36:56,080 --> 00:37:01,200 Speaker 2: lesson in your body? Do you feel less overwhelmed? Adopting 600 00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 2: more positive coping strategies is as much about relearning what 601 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:08,839 Speaker 2: your body and your mind responds to as it is 602 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:14,640 Speaker 2: unlearning previously counterproductive ways of dismissing or suppressing your hard emotions. 603 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,520 Speaker 2: Something that really helped me was coping statements as well, 604 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:20,799 Speaker 2: and the list I Love the Most was created by 605 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,879 Speaker 2: these two psychologists back in twenty fifteen and I love 606 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 2: them because these statements have really helped me reshape the 607 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,080 Speaker 2: narrative in my head, or the narrative that I used 608 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:32,400 Speaker 2: to have that anything I did wouldn't help my circumstances. 609 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:36,120 Speaker 2: You know that learned helplessness mindset, and the statements include 610 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,640 Speaker 2: things like, I'm going to face this challenge and handle 611 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:40,480 Speaker 2: it as best as I can, even if the outcome 612 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,520 Speaker 2: doesn't change. It might not work out one hundred percent, 613 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:44,839 Speaker 2: but you know, I'm going to give it my best 614 00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:48,720 Speaker 2: and see what happens. I've been in this situation before, 615 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:51,759 Speaker 2: and I've survived. I am strong enough to handle this 616 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:55,680 Speaker 2: whatever it is that it happens. Things often aren't as 617 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:59,600 Speaker 2: bad as they first seem. Those are your coping statements. 618 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 2: Hopefully you see why these would be helpful, right. It's 619 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,640 Speaker 2: not just about thinking positive thoughts or whatever like that 620 00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:11,239 Speaker 2: toxic positivity mindset, but being able to just acknowledge that, yes, 621 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,320 Speaker 2: this circumstance is sucky, this is shitty, this is annoying. 622 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,279 Speaker 2: I can't change that situation, but I am capable. I 623 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,320 Speaker 2: am the common denominator. My actions are a big factor 624 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:26,800 Speaker 2: in pushing through and changing next week's circumstances or changing 625 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 2: how I respond. That kind of brings me to my 626 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,279 Speaker 2: next tip. Know yourself and know your stresses. If there 627 00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,600 Speaker 2: is a situation you know you struggle with and you 628 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,200 Speaker 2: will really have to rely on your coping mechanisms, perhaps 629 00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,680 Speaker 2: more than normal, make yourself a list of what works. 630 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:47,759 Speaker 2: Make yourself a dictionary of coping, and include in that 631 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,400 Speaker 2: list one thing from every bucket that we spoke about before. 632 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,680 Speaker 2: An emotion focused way of coping, social focused, meaning focused, 633 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,160 Speaker 2: and problem focused. It's like having four lines of defense. 634 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:05,239 Speaker 2: So for me, you know, I know that going on 635 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:08,160 Speaker 2: a plane is something that's really stressful. For others, it 636 00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:10,560 Speaker 2: might be exam season, it might be seeing your family. 637 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,120 Speaker 2: For me, it is going on a plane. And I 638 00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:15,799 Speaker 2: have in my notes at all times a list of 639 00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,640 Speaker 2: like ten plus things I know will help me before, during, 640 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:21,399 Speaker 2: and after a flight. I also have, you know, five 641 00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:25,520 Speaker 2: statements that help me rationalize my feelings, five affirmations. I 642 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:30,840 Speaker 2: have my anxiety meditation downloaded. You know, the more productive adaptive, 643 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:34,440 Speaker 2: positive coping skills you have in your artillery, the better 644 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:36,919 Speaker 2: it's going to be, because it's the security of having 645 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,960 Speaker 2: multiple things you can fall back on. I think at 646 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,040 Speaker 2: the end of the day, I'm going to say it again, 647 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,080 Speaker 2: and you're probably like, Okay, I get it. But you know, 648 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:48,120 Speaker 2: coping isn't just about eliminating bad feelings, because we know 649 00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:51,359 Speaker 2: that feelings are not evil, they're not bad, they are 650 00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,759 Speaker 2: just our body trying to communicate with us. Coping is 651 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,480 Speaker 2: also not about always having an answer or a solution. 652 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:02,960 Speaker 2: It's about rezili alliance. And the four biggest factors and 653 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:07,360 Speaker 2: contributors to resilience are wellness and taking care of yourself 654 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,120 Speaker 2: in the good times and the bad. Healthy thinking, being 655 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:15,279 Speaker 2: realistic about your problems, not you know, catastrophizing or doomsdaying. 656 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,120 Speaker 2: Finding meaning and purpose, knowing that there is a deeper 657 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:21,480 Speaker 2: part of you that these hard times can't touch. And finally, 658 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:27,160 Speaker 2: connection sharing, being vulnerable, having an open heart even when 659 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,080 Speaker 2: it is really difficult to reach out. That makes us. 660 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:32,359 Speaker 2: You know, that kind of makes up part of our 661 00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:36,319 Speaker 2: social focused coping skills. But I think if you want 662 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,719 Speaker 2: to be resilient, focus on what you can do when 663 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:42,160 Speaker 2: times are good, but also find a way to lean 664 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:46,560 Speaker 2: back on your positive relationships so that it doesn't feel 665 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,719 Speaker 2: like you're only doing so during a crisis, and so 666 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:52,160 Speaker 2: that you avoid withdrawal and isolation. Because I think that 667 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:57,040 Speaker 2: always just makes things a hundred times worse. Coping mechanisms, 668 00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,200 Speaker 2: at the end of the day, they are the umbrella 669 00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:01,040 Speaker 2: in the storm. Right, it's still going to be raining, 670 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,600 Speaker 2: but you're carrying something with you that you can pull 671 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,960 Speaker 2: out to protect yourself. You are changing how you react 672 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,719 Speaker 2: to a bad day at work, how you react to 673 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:13,080 Speaker 2: a fight with your partner, how you react to a 674 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,200 Speaker 2: bad mental health day, a bad mental health month. And 675 00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:19,239 Speaker 2: it's not about ignoring it. It's not about letting it 676 00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,320 Speaker 2: consume you. It's about having this relationship with your emotions 677 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,680 Speaker 2: whereby you're like you were just a little ghost in 678 00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:28,040 Speaker 2: my house, And yeah, I wish I could get rid 679 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:30,160 Speaker 2: of you, but maybe I won't. So let's find a 680 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:33,400 Speaker 2: way to move forward and integrate what I'm experiencing. So 681 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:36,319 Speaker 2: thank you so much for listening. If you have made 682 00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:38,959 Speaker 2: it this far, I really enjoyed this episode. I feel 683 00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:42,680 Speaker 2: like I needed a reminder on coping mechanisms. It might 684 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:46,239 Speaker 2: seem so basic, right, it might seem so boring, But 685 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:49,080 Speaker 2: for so many of us, when was the last time 686 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,920 Speaker 2: like you really sat down and thought about what skills 687 00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:56,239 Speaker 2: you had to make hard things in your life a 688 00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:59,719 Speaker 2: little bit easier. When were we ever taught that. It's 689 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,200 Speaker 2: just mind blowing to me that I went to school 690 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:04,520 Speaker 2: for so many years and nobody ever did a class 691 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:08,000 Speaker 2: on this, nobody ever explained these things to me. So 692 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,799 Speaker 2: hopefully this is the education that you needed when it 693 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,600 Speaker 2: came to this topic. As always, if there is somebody 694 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,080 Speaker 2: who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to 695 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:19,319 Speaker 2: share a link, send them a screenshot, whatever you would like. 696 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:23,239 Speaker 2: And if you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five 697 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:27,160 Speaker 2: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening 698 00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,960 Speaker 2: right now. It will take a couple seconds and it 699 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,440 Speaker 2: really does help the show to grow when you leave 700 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:36,239 Speaker 2: nice reviews. I read them all, so chances are if 701 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,719 Speaker 2: you have already, I've read it and I've saved it 702 00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,680 Speaker 2: into my little smile file and I really appreciate it. 703 00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:43,799 Speaker 2: And if you do have an episode's suggestion, I say 704 00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,560 Speaker 2: this at the end of every episode, hit me up 705 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,920 Speaker 2: on Instagram at that Psychology podcast. I would love to 706 00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,439 Speaker 2: hear from you. And until next time, stay safe, stay kind, 707 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,520 Speaker 2: be gentle with yourself, please, and we will talk soon.