Speaker 1: Your relationship doesn't have to make sense to anybody else
Speaker 1: in the world except you and your partner. Dead ass.
Speaker 1: I agree with that, and I used to kind of
Speaker 1: wonder why people had to hide their significant other from
Speaker 1: social media, but as it continues to grow, I get it. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow
Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I'm going to take this story back. So when we
Speaker 1: were nineteen years old, Okay, all right, this is a
Speaker 1: time when Cadein had just moved into Hostra. You and
Speaker 1: I were all into each other, like all into each
Speaker 1: other every single day doing this, doing that. I remember
Speaker 1: telling my father when I was about nineteen, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna get married to this girl and
Speaker 1: he laughed, I don't know you had a moment like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was nineteen. This was um summertime. You had had
Speaker 1: the allergic reaction to the medication the sofa, and I
Speaker 1: didn't know what's gonna happen. I remember that feeling like yo,
Speaker 1: like I don't know what life would be like if
Speaker 1: something happened to this girl. And I remember saying, my pops,
Speaker 1: and I think we gonna mater her and he laughed.
Speaker 1: It was like you only nineteen, you have no idea. Then,
Speaker 1: my mom, it was like, you know, don't you think?
Speaker 1: You and Devout, I mean you and Cadine, are you know,
Speaker 1: moving too fast? You're playing house Like this isn't good
Speaker 1: for you guys. You guys need to take some space.
Speaker 1: And I remember Andrew English saying to me, oh, you
Speaker 1: guys love each other. Now, okay, we'll see in a
Speaker 1: couple of months. I pretty much remember everybody that I
Speaker 1: spoke to saying that you and I were never ever
Speaker 1: ever gonna work, and now look at us and The
Speaker 1: funny thing is they couldn't fathom this making sense because
Speaker 1: we were so young and just doing everything that people
Speaker 1: told us we shouldn't be doing at that age. And
Speaker 1: look at where we are now, just me, you, just
Speaker 1: the two of us. We can make it if we try,
Speaker 1: just the two of us, you and hey, just the
Speaker 1: two of us. Baby, that's a tool right off into
Speaker 1: the sunset, because we we it's been sunny. It's been
Speaker 1: some dog gloomy days, doing some thunderstorms, some minsoons, some tornadoes,
Speaker 1: the hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, there's been a lot. It's been
Speaker 1: in almost twenty years, but it's been just the two
Speaker 1: of us. All right, Well, let's take a break and
Speaker 1: then we can come back into unpacking story time and
Speaker 1: talking more about keeping social media opinions out of your relationship. No,
Speaker 1: not just social media, everybody being opinions in general of
Speaker 1: your relationship. Okay, guys, so we're back, are back, and
Speaker 1: today I can't I can't wait to talk about this
Speaker 1: because I'm actually pretty proud of us. Yes, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: proud of us because along this this twenty year journey,
Speaker 1: there's been a lot of people who told us that
Speaker 1: it wasn't gonna work doing it the way we're doing it,
Speaker 1: Like a lot of people, we got friends, family, social media,
Speaker 1: like a lot of people out of y'all is out
Speaker 1: there betting against us, betting against saying it was never
Speaker 1: gonna work. Right, And it's okay because we understand what
Speaker 1: it is. You know what I mean. It's not seeing
Speaker 1: certain things. No, it's not okay. It's not okay. We'll
Speaker 1: go ahead, finish what you were saying. But if I
Speaker 1: was gonna say it's okay, because people cannot foresee things
Speaker 1: when it's the road less traveled, right, because we're all
Speaker 1: inclined to do what everyone else is doing most of
Speaker 1: the time, or we're always taking approval from them asses
Speaker 1: or from the family and friends. So in that effort
Speaker 1: to seek approval, people usually will decide not to do
Speaker 1: the things that they want to do, or will you know,
Speaker 1: hide their feelings or dampen their feelings because they feel like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't want to have to deal
Speaker 1: with the scrutiny or the potential ridiculing or the potential failure,
Speaker 1: because then you have the people that will hit you
Speaker 1: with the will I told you all this wasn't going
Speaker 1: to work, you know, So unless you're strong enough to
Speaker 1: deal with that, or just don't want to deal with that,
Speaker 1: I can see how some people will succumb to that.
Speaker 1: My my issue with with that is you exist in
Speaker 1: a relationship with the other person right when you're trying
Speaker 1: to figure out how this relationship is going to work
Speaker 1: with you, all the other people who are outside of
Speaker 1: the relationship have no dog in a fight, right, So
Speaker 1: to me, whatever advice they give you, you should take
Speaker 1: it with a grain of salt, because that person cannot
Speaker 1: teach you how to figure out your partner if they
Speaker 1: don't exist with within your relationship. What I it happens
Speaker 1: to a lot of people is take social media for example. Right,
Speaker 1: they'll post things on social media about their relationship, and
Speaker 1: when other people say things about their relationship, then they
Speaker 1: start to second guess what they're doing in their relationship.
Speaker 1: For example, it's gonna be I'm gonna use an extreme
Speaker 1: example because it's I wanted to be extreme for a reason. Right.
Speaker 1: What if you and I were swingers, right, and we
Speaker 1: enjoyed swinging, So then we say on social media, Canina
Speaker 1: and I enjoy swinging? So now we put out there
Speaker 1: with swinging. Of course, the vast majority of people like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what's the point of being married if
Speaker 1: you're gonna include other people in your bedroom? What if
Speaker 1: it's out of out of that right? So then once
Speaker 1: they say that, typically people like, dang, they're right, maybe
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be swinging. So then they stopped swinging because
Speaker 1: they want to appease the people who are following them
Speaker 1: on social media, or their family or their friends. Because
Speaker 1: sometimes it's not social media. Sometimes you know, your family
Speaker 1: finds out that just swinging, and then it's you shouldn't
Speaker 1: be doing that, blah blah blah blah, your friends find
Speaker 1: out and for the record, we're not swingers. I'm using this.
Speaker 1: I'm using this extreme example because they'll start propositioning us,
Speaker 1: don't put the close friends, but y'all being there close
Speaker 1: friends doing all sorts of crazy because people do do that.
Speaker 1: And the funny thing is we've we've recently saw a
Speaker 1: couple through someone else's closest friends who openly have sex
Speaker 1: when they're close friends. And my first response was, if
Speaker 1: they're happy doing that and it works for them, then
Speaker 1: that's fine. There was not one thing in my mind
Speaker 1: that was just like why would they do that. It
Speaker 1: was just like, if they're enjoying it and they you know,
Speaker 1: they like it, then that's up to them. But what
Speaker 1: happens typically is they say, for example, like I said,
Speaker 1: the extreme example that we said, we're swinging, all these
Speaker 1: people start to say that we shouldn't do it. Then
Speaker 1: we try to practice what those people say should work
Speaker 1: best for us. So now in order to appease them,
Speaker 1: we start catering and curating our relationship to their wants
Speaker 1: as opposed to our wants. And now we're unhappy in
Speaker 1: our relationship, but we're putting on the facade to everyone
Speaker 1: else that we are in order to make them feel
Speaker 1: happy about our relationship. That makes no sense, but a
Speaker 1: lot of people do that. And one thing I'll say,
Speaker 1: I'm proud of us. I don't think that we've ever
Speaker 1: done that. We've never done that with our relationship. We
Speaker 1: don't do that. Even with our content that we put
Speaker 1: out there on social media. Is a very parallel situation.
Speaker 1: You know, we've been asked a tons of times, like,
Speaker 1: you know, your content, where does it come from? What
Speaker 1: do you guys decide what you're going to put out
Speaker 1: there or not? Do you listen to the comments and
Speaker 1: then change your content if people don't agree with this
Speaker 1: or people are not watching that. And the response is
Speaker 1: always no, because what happens is we're going to put
Speaker 1: content out and the people that it's meant for and
Speaker 1: the people who are going to receive it, we'll receive it.
Speaker 1: And if you don't, it just was not meant for you.
Speaker 1: And then the truth of the matter is is that's
Speaker 1: how it is with relationship. Yeah, right. People have to
Speaker 1: learn to live within their relationship and stop seeking approval
Speaker 1: from people outside of their relationships. That don't matter, whether
Speaker 1: it's social media and family and friends. So went and
Speaker 1: printed up some facts and stats. You know, I love
Speaker 1: your your Your trouble is terrible. You need to man,
Speaker 1: just stop stop. Let me do the trouble, all right.
Speaker 1: Three powerful ways influences impact your relationships. They will either
Speaker 1: speak truth or breathe lies to you, shaping your mood,
Speaker 1: opinions towards your husband and your marital foundation. Husband or wife.
Speaker 1: Influencers will plant seeds of desires in your heart mind
Speaker 1: that will determine your actions. Will either encourage or discourage
Speaker 1: you in your dreams for your marriage. So influencers meaning
Speaker 1: people who are putting content out there like no, no, no no,
Speaker 1: this is not just about social media. It's just influencial.
Speaker 1: So what happens is is will we'll get into any influence,
Speaker 1: any influences for example, for example, the hidden negative influences,
Speaker 1: sugarcoated goodness. Right, you know that best friend you love
Speaker 1: that always has your back, I'm going to be honest
Speaker 1: with I'm gonna be honest. If her having your back
Speaker 1: is more of her agreeing to everything you say, she
Speaker 1: is not the influence he or she is not the
Speaker 1: influence you need. Keep her as the best friend. Sure,
Speaker 1: talk to her about challenges within your marriage. No, by
Speaker 1: her constantly agreeing with you, she is confirming lies you
Speaker 1: may you might be telling yourself, and it's obviously biased.
Speaker 1: So this is what happens. Right, for this example, you
Speaker 1: and I both have friends. Some of us have those
Speaker 1: friends who are like yes friends, yes, friends, I'm saying,
Speaker 1: So when I'm upset at you, if I decide to
Speaker 1: go to my friends and I know we're gonna yuess
Speaker 1: me and I just tell them, this is what happened.
Speaker 1: This is what KaDee did right, regardless of whether I'm
Speaker 1: wrong or not. They're willing to just be like, yeah, bro,
Speaker 1: you need to do this, or do you have any
Speaker 1: friends like that? Honestly though, because I feel like within
Speaker 1: our circle group, yeah, both you and I in the
Speaker 1: palm of my hand can fit my closest friends. And
Speaker 1: to say that, at least for us, we don't have that,
Speaker 1: but everyone does have a most friend. Yes. But and
Speaker 1: here's the thing with with my friends. One of the
Speaker 1: people I can fight in the most my Boidolo. Then um,
Speaker 1: I got my brother Brian. These are two guys that
Speaker 1: I can fight in with my marriage because they'll give
Speaker 1: me an unbiased, objective opinion not only about myself but
Speaker 1: about the entire situation. And they'll both code it owns
Speaker 1: you by saying, well, you know what goes on between
Speaker 1: you and Cadeine, but from what you're telling me, So
Speaker 1: even by them saying that is letting me know that
Speaker 1: they're putting a disclaimer, Like listen, bro, you're the only
Speaker 1: one that knows. But based on what you told me,
Speaker 1: this is what I feel and this is what I see,
Speaker 1: and they'll hold me accountable. Accountability is important. But when
Speaker 1: you have that yes friend who doesn't ever want to
Speaker 1: hold you accountable, because they're more they feel more pleased
Speaker 1: by just having you like them. That's a terrible person
Speaker 1: to seek advice about your marriage. That guest friend can
Speaker 1: tend to also be also transformed into what I like
Speaker 1: to call that dearer self friend, the energizer friend. And
Speaker 1: when I put the battery in your back, you know
Speaker 1: y'all know about that friend is just like guess like
Speaker 1: amping up the situation. And sometimes you know, it could
Speaker 1: be a situation where you have a friend that could
Speaker 1: be jealous of your lifestyle, of your relationship. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: that single friend that has no like you said, dog
Speaker 1: in the fight, or has no idea what it's like
Speaker 1: to even be involved in the relationship. They may feel
Speaker 1: like they know you as a person, but then they
Speaker 1: have a responsibility. I feel like to be honest with
Speaker 1: you and say, girl or bro, you know how you are.
Speaker 1: Is it possible that it may have been seen this way?
Speaker 1: So you kind of want to make sure that when
Speaker 1: you are divulging these potential issues that you have within
Speaker 1: your relationship to someone, it's someone who can see both
Speaker 1: sides or at least acknowledge that there's both sides and
Speaker 1: not just yes to to death. Some people are okay
Speaker 1: with someone asking them to death because they feel like,
Speaker 1: all right, well I have that's what they want, what
Speaker 1: they want, And usually I think for the most part,
Speaker 1: when people see advice, I would say people seek advice
Speaker 1: for affirmation that they may be right in their stance,
Speaker 1: and not necessarily clarity or an opinion. What do you think? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I I agree with you. I feel like the vast
Speaker 1: majority of people, especially because of the social media, and
Speaker 1: we're gonna do a whole podcast on social media. But
Speaker 1: people want likes, People want approval, right, especially people who
Speaker 1: may have some insecurities or may feel like the world
Speaker 1: is against them. They want that person that's just going
Speaker 1: to agree with them so they can feel strongly about
Speaker 1: their opinion, as opposed to finding someone who's gonna objectively
Speaker 1: tell them based on what you told me, this is
Speaker 1: how I feel, and also say I can't give you
Speaker 1: the answers, right, You have to constantly look for the
Speaker 1: answers within your relationship from your partner. But you can
Speaker 1: also seek counsel to gain a greater perspectively right, And
Speaker 1: and that's what I don't want people to misconscrue. Right,
Speaker 1: seeking counsel to gat to gain a greater a greater prospect.
Speaker 1: It's not the same thing as seeking affirmation so that
Speaker 1: you can feel better about how you feel. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying about what's going on in your relationship
Speaker 1: and the differences. Seeking counsel to create a greater perspective
Speaker 1: can also teach you to see from your partner's perspective.
Speaker 1: They don't give you the answer of how to deal
Speaker 1: with the situation, but they may say, maybe your partner
Speaker 1: is feeling like this, and once again, that person is
Speaker 1: teaching you how to once again look towards your partner
Speaker 1: for the answer, as opposed to saying, yeah, bro, you're right,
Speaker 1: you should do this because you get a lot of
Speaker 1: that Yeah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't let my wife do that.
Speaker 1: Perfect example, we talked about finances on this podcast a lot.
Speaker 1: There was a point where we were struggling with our
Speaker 1: finances because we were learning how to work together as
Speaker 1: a team and build a foundation financially because we had
Speaker 1: different mindsets on finances. Your parents didn't talk well with
Speaker 1: you about finances. My father talked a lot to me
Speaker 1: about finances. I felt like I was a little bit
Speaker 1: more prepared, so when it came time to work with
Speaker 1: you on it, I was just like, how do I
Speaker 1: get candeinmed to experience what I experienced. I had some
Speaker 1: friends just be like, no, this is why you need
Speaker 1: to pay half the rent, you need to pay half
Speaker 1: the mortgage, you need to do this, and I was
Speaker 1: just like that, but that's not that's not what I
Speaker 1: want to do. You know what I'm saying. That wouldn't
Speaker 1: be fulfilling to me number one, but that's not how
Speaker 1: our relationship works. And he's like, well, at my house
Speaker 1: we do this. And then for me, I could have
Speaker 1: been like, well, let me try to do what they
Speaker 1: do in their house, but that might not have been
Speaker 1: the answer. So I chose not to do it, and
Speaker 1: we figured out our way through constantly talking about it.
Speaker 1: But I did listen to their perspective. But I didn't
Speaker 1: just say I'm going to curate my relationship to look
Speaker 1: like yours. You know what I'm saying, absolutely to sense.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people need to learn that.
Speaker 1: And speaking of curating relationships to look like others, the
Speaker 1: innocent comparison game, all right. I was looking at this
Speaker 1: and I was like, you don't know these people here.
Speaker 1: Social media couples, you know, the ones who offended up
Speaker 1: on vacation three days out of the year. Couples them,
Speaker 1: stop it and follow them? What good are they bringing
Speaker 1: you if you have to feel like your marriage is
Speaker 1: somehow missing out because it doesn't look like there's it's
Speaker 1: a negative influence and you need to cut that follow
Speaker 1: cold Turkey. Now, it could be two things. I think
Speaker 1: with this. You follow those couples that are on vacation
Speaker 1: and doing their thing and whatnot, because it's it's an
Speaker 1: aspirational lifestyle that's very involved in social media, right, so
Speaker 1: you follow people that make you feel good, or you
Speaker 1: follow people that you know. You might say to yourself,
Speaker 1: you know what, I can envision myself doing this one
Speaker 1: day or doing that one day based off of what
Speaker 1: you see. So I don't know if it's necessarily a
Speaker 1: hard unfollowed for me, but if it's a thing where
Speaker 1: you feel like, man, these people on vacation three days
Speaker 1: out the year and I'm just you know, counting down
Speaker 1: to I get my little two weeks vacation so I
Speaker 1: can go away. Don't be fooled. A lot of times
Speaker 1: this recycled content because they don't shoot thousands words of
Speaker 1: content on their one week vacation and then stretch that
Speaker 1: joint out for about three months. Mokes and mirrors, y'all,
Speaker 1: Smokes and mirrors protect your mental health. If that's the case,
Speaker 1: if you need to one follow, do that. But I
Speaker 1: think you need to kind of take that with a
Speaker 1: grain of salt and just understand that what you see
Speaker 1: on social media is not necessarily always the reality. But
Speaker 1: but the truth of the matter is that you can't
Speaker 1: blame those comples for posting that way. You have to
Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself, like, like you just said,
Speaker 1: if looking at this content makes me feel good and
Speaker 1: makes me inspired to get up and work harder so
Speaker 1: I can reach that point in my life, it's good.
Speaker 1: If it makes you look at your spouse and be like,
Speaker 1: we don't fucking go nowhere, then that's a horrible follow
Speaker 1: because now what you're doing is comparing your life to
Speaker 1: other people's life, and you don't know how real that
Speaker 1: life is. And like I said, we're gonna talk in
Speaker 1: full about social media on another episode, but what I
Speaker 1: think is important that you brought up is how it
Speaker 1: makes you feel. Right if you're following people and it's
Speaker 1: constantly making you become more self loathing, more depressed, more jealous,
Speaker 1: and give you more anxiety. Look at your partner, like,
Speaker 1: you know, I wish you would do things like this person,
Speaker 1: that's a bad way to to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1: And that might just even be a person thing, a
Speaker 1: person to person thing. And I say that because even
Speaker 1: the story about us, I think we might have told
Speaker 1: it before, where we used to go down and visit
Speaker 1: our friends who were a married couple at the time
Speaker 1: that lived in Virginia, had a huge home out there.
Speaker 1: We would drive down and go for weekends and have
Speaker 1: a ball out there. And for us, we saw that
Speaker 1: as like motivation, like we'd go down there, it was
Speaker 1: almost like being on a resort for weekends, and then
Speaker 1: we would just take that drive back to New York
Speaker 1: feeling so inspired and feeling like, man, one day, we
Speaker 1: want to be able to live comfortably like this, where
Speaker 1: our children have space and we'll have space, and we
Speaker 1: can have space to entertain our friends and family and
Speaker 1: have them over. And for us, we didn't take that
Speaker 1: as damn. Now I'm going back to this sucks apartment
Speaker 1: in Brooklyn, and now I'm mad at Devout because he
Speaker 1: brings me back to this. You know, Crown Heights, you
Speaker 1: know on New York Avenue, like damn, you know, instead
Speaker 1: of that being the approach for us, that was something
Speaker 1: we continue to do because we felt inspired by that.
Speaker 1: So it could be a person to person thing and
Speaker 1: how you tend to dissect Listen, it's always a person
Speaker 1: of person thing. That's why you can't blame the influences,
Speaker 1: whether it be family or friends or social media. You
Speaker 1: have to look within right First, as a person, you
Speaker 1: have to look within and saying what influences are making
Speaker 1: me negatively feel feel negatively about my spouse. Then you
Speaker 1: have to look inwardly at the relationship and saying what
Speaker 1: can we do to create a better life for ourselves,
Speaker 1: as opposed to looking outward and saying how can our
Speaker 1: lives mimic this? Because even mimicking someone else may not
Speaker 1: make you happy. You could spend all of your time
Speaker 1: saying I'm going to curate my life to be exactly
Speaker 1: like this person. For example, what if you're not into
Speaker 1: swinging right? You and I were not into swinging right,
Speaker 1: Say we're having a sexually, which happens in marriages, and
Speaker 1: it's like, how can I get out this rut right,
Speaker 1: as opposed to saying, let me speak to my wife
Speaker 1: and figure out my wife wants to need and figure
Speaker 1: it out. A lot of people say, well, that couple
Speaker 1: looks like they're having fun. What are they doing? But
Speaker 1: then you asked them what are y'all doing and they say, oh,
Speaker 1: we're swinging. Now you're trying to swing with your wife, right,
Speaker 1: And it's the whole last fight. And you go to
Speaker 1: a party and it's a swinger party, and now your
Speaker 1: wife is over there sucking somebody else dick, and now
Speaker 1: you're mad. Now you're mad because you tried to act
Speaker 1: like the swingers. Your wife is enjoying herself. Ry spring,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And all because you tried
Speaker 1: to curate your life from swinger the springer, y'all from
Speaker 1: swinging the springer. That's from from swinging the springer. You
Speaker 1: you try to curate your life somebody else. Look, we
Speaker 1: see what you used to watch? What you're supposed to
Speaker 1: be in school? How wasn't school? But when I went
Speaker 1: to my grandmother after that we used to sit, we
Speaker 1: have some tea and some heartobread and watch all this
Speaker 1: The reason all the shows shout out to my grandmother
Speaker 1: makes you rest in shout out to Grandma Joseph. But
Speaker 1: but you know, I completely get it. When you try
Speaker 1: to curate your life like someone else's thinking that because
Speaker 1: their happiness looks so great, that you could have their happiness,
Speaker 1: and you try it and you feel pissy, that's when
Speaker 1: it's like, you see, all you have to do is
Speaker 1: speak to your partner conversation and then also to piggyback
Speaker 1: on that whole thing we talked about un following. But
Speaker 1: then you also kind of know what boundaries are needed
Speaker 1: for you to kind of clear your mind or clear
Speaker 1: your spaces certain things. Because if you're not a person
Speaker 1: that is able to follow these things that you tend
Speaker 1: to see or as aspirational you tend to see is
Speaker 1: feel good, if they in turn are making you not
Speaker 1: feel good, then you should be able to know, you
Speaker 1: know what I need to unfollow, I need to block
Speaker 1: I need to create this boundary with this family member
Speaker 1: or this friend who is not just putting healthy thoughts
Speaker 1: in my mind. Absolutely so, boundaries are very very the desensitizer,
Speaker 1: which is next, This is this is more important than
Speaker 1: social media. This is our generation has been caught with
Speaker 1: this one more than social media, because social media is
Speaker 1: fairly new what you hear and see. Hollywood has such
Speaker 1: a great way of glamorizing everything, including thinking patterns, ideas,
Speaker 1: and behaviors that are dangerous for marriages. Be aware of
Speaker 1: the shows you are watching over and over. Do not
Speaker 1: let their ideas and desires eventually become yours, especially how
Speaker 1: you treat your husband or wife. Again, there is a
Speaker 1: lot more science behind what you're allowing your brain to
Speaker 1: receive than what you realize. For example, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: become from from a male standpoint, right, Hollywood has made
Speaker 1: us fall in love or glamorized with the night and
Speaker 1: Shining Armor. Right, you have to be this way in
Speaker 1: order to be considered a night and Shining armor. Right.
Speaker 1: You have to be tall, dark, handsome, make money, perfect teeth, ads,
Speaker 1: and you have to find a woman who is a
Speaker 1: damsel in distress that you can save. Right. Hollywood tells
Speaker 1: us these stories. Disney Disney is yeah, you see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Disney has shown us and while they don't
Speaker 1: haven't done Disney movies, but they have been part of
Speaker 1: movies romantic commedies where they've saved the woman. Right, So,
Speaker 1: as a man, we've been taught in our life like
Speaker 1: I need to find a woman to save from Hollywood.
Speaker 1: Like that's part of it, right, Women is like don't
Speaker 1: need to be said what I'm saying, and and what if?
Speaker 1: What if you you find a woman who not only
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be saved, but what if you need
Speaker 1: to be saved and you find a woman who can
Speaker 1: bring more into your life to be of service to you,
Speaker 1: to help you, and you can serve her in ways.
Speaker 1: So now you're trying to curate your relationship to based
Speaker 1: on what you've seen in Hollywood. But you fall in
Speaker 1: love with a woman who doesn't fit the damsel in distress,
Speaker 1: or if you're a woman and you fall into a
Speaker 1: man who doesn't fit the tall, dark and handsome, but
Speaker 1: now you're like, well he's not what I expected, but
Speaker 1: I'm in of So you know what, you know what
Speaker 1: these people trying to do. They try to change their
Speaker 1: spouse or they try to talk themselves out of it.
Speaker 1: How many times have we seen a person that is
Speaker 1: with somebody that treats them like like you know, we've
Speaker 1: you know, does everything for them, is there for them
Speaker 1: it's like all the things, but it's like Homegirls glunting
Speaker 1: for punishment because she was with the Homeboys in the past,
Speaker 1: we're treating her like shit. So now it's like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, this is the one person that just adores me,
Speaker 1: but he does not necessarily fit them all of what
Speaker 1: I thought I wanted. I'm gonna talk this, talk myself
Speaker 1: out of this. What could be my fever person? And
Speaker 1: we are all guilty of creating an idea of our
Speaker 1: forever person based on the things that we've watched on TV. Yes,
Speaker 1: I know our generation in particular because we watched a
Speaker 1: lot of TV. There was no YouTube and Google back then,
Speaker 1: so we watched TV and said, I want my person
Speaker 1: to look like everything that I've seen. And before social media,
Speaker 1: there's reality television. Think about all the shows where they're
Speaker 1: showing these lifestyles that are supposed to be something glamorized,
Speaker 1: which I think over time has shown to be more
Speaker 1: hot messages than anything. But but um, there's that influence
Speaker 1: out there that I think people still compare their relationships
Speaker 1: to regularly. And here's the last one. Go ahead, the
Speaker 1: unavoidable negative influences. So we have say unavoidable in quotes
Speaker 1: right families, which I don't necessarily think it is unavoidable
Speaker 1: because we did have the episode we talked about creating
Speaker 1: ourselves to that. However, they are unavoidable to some degree.
Speaker 1: But you have to remember that within families that ground
Speaker 1: rules are necessary. Remember we talked about boundaries, right, and
Speaker 1: really talk to your husband or wife about being a
Speaker 1: united front. Family members have a way of being able
Speaker 1: to create sparks and marriages, not the good time, not
Speaker 1: the good kind, y'all. Um, So tread lightly and look
Speaker 1: to see how the influences of your family is either
Speaker 1: positive or negative to your relationship, especially your dreams as
Speaker 1: a couple. So if you were or if I were you,
Speaker 1: I would purge out the negative influences in your marriage
Speaker 1: and only seek the positives. So you and I talked
Speaker 1: about this. There was a point where your mom was
Speaker 1: thinking that we want to do things the right way.
Speaker 1: My mom was thinking we weren't doing things the right way.
Speaker 1: My dad was thinking we weren't doing things the right way.
Speaker 1: And we didn't purge them out of our lives because
Speaker 1: this had the unquote unavoidable because you can avoid them
Speaker 1: in some degree. Um, And we did avoid you avoid
Speaker 1: my mom mom for two years. But you and I
Speaker 1: also avoided going to my parents home four times because
Speaker 1: we wanted to live a certain way. No exactly, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I remember the times we lived in Michigan and your
Speaker 1: your dad, Um, we would come back to New York
Speaker 1: and this is this is the grind devours gears, y'all.
Speaker 1: At this point we Devot was in the NFL and
Speaker 1: we were in Michigan living in Detroit together. Um, and
Speaker 1: they came to bought a home and everything. They came
Speaker 1: to visit us. I think it was for Thanksgiving or
Speaker 1: some holiday, and his parents came and stayed with us,
Speaker 1: and all was well. A couple of weeks or months after,
Speaker 1: we go back to New York now to stay in
Speaker 1: New York for a couple of days or weeks or whatever,
Speaker 1: and Devo's dad pretty much tells us that we are
Speaker 1: not allowed to sleep together in the same room in
Speaker 1: his home because we're not married yet. Devout blew a
Speaker 1: whole gasket. He was just like, excuse me. First of all,
Speaker 1: you came to my house in Michigan a couple of
Speaker 1: weeks ago and stay there comfortably because you wasn't about
Speaker 1: to pay for no hotel room. However, now that I'm
Speaker 1: in your house, and I was like, oh, it is
Speaker 1: his house. I guess it's his rule. But so you
Speaker 1: know what we did. We didn't stay at his house.
Speaker 1: We didn't stay in this house. Nope, we didn't stay
Speaker 1: in it. Was concerned about the influence we would be
Speaker 1: to his sister and all kinds of stuff. And yeah,
Speaker 1: still not convinced. I'm not convinced to that. One thing
Speaker 1: I know about my father's she's extremely frugal, So he
Speaker 1: was he was willing to at that time bypass his
Speaker 1: morals and his moral compass to stay at our house
Speaker 1: because he was not going to pay for a hotel
Speaker 1: for a week. And my sister was there. My sister
Speaker 1: watched us live in our own house and sleep in
Speaker 1: the same bed at every night. But then when we
Speaker 1: came to live in Brooke, and it was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't think it's appropriate. If you really didn't think
Speaker 1: it was that appropriate, your ass would have stayed in
Speaker 1: the hotel when you was in Michigan. Were trying to
Speaker 1: have your back, but I couldn't on this one bro
Speaker 1: And and the thing is, it's fine because it's your house.
Speaker 1: Absolutely were gonna respect it. But the point is people
Speaker 1: have been telling us our entire relationship how we should
Speaker 1: do things, from parents to to cousins too well. Our
Speaker 1: sisters and brothers have always have been supportive of us,
Speaker 1: but friends, social media like, there's always been a group
Speaker 1: of people who've always been like, no, you should live
Speaker 1: this way, and we've ignored them. And I think in
Speaker 1: part because we've ignored them is the reason why we've
Speaker 1: had success finding our our niche within our own marriage,
Speaker 1: Because realistically, no one can tell me how to treat
Speaker 1: Cadein other than Cadein. No one can tell me what
Speaker 1: Cadein wants and needs other than Codein. So why would
Speaker 1: I even ask someone you understand what I'm saying? No,
Speaker 1: I completely understand what you're saying. Allow me to play
Speaker 1: devil's advocate though, real quick. So we're talking about the
Speaker 1: unavoidable negative influences that are family. What do you do
Speaker 1: in the circumstance where you see a friend, a sibling, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, a family member who may legitimately be in
Speaker 1: a toxic relationship, or maybe talking to someone who you
Speaker 1: can kind of foresee that this is a fun boy
Speaker 1: or funk girl, and you don't necessarily want them to
Speaker 1: be with that family member. But the person may not
Speaker 1: be as receptive to your advice, or they may think
Speaker 1: that you're just hating on the relationship, or you're speaking
Speaker 1: of a place of being jaded or tainted by your
Speaker 1: own So, like, how do we decipher when it's okay
Speaker 1: to give that honest opinion? So here's here's the truth. Right,
Speaker 1: It's always okay to give that honest opinion, solicited or unsolicited,
Speaker 1: especially if you think it could be to someone's detriment. Right, So,
Speaker 1: if you think someone could be hurt, it's always okay
Speaker 1: to say this is what I see, But it's not
Speaker 1: okay to tell someone this is what you should do.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, So offering up the advice
Speaker 1: or the opinion or as my family would say, my spirit,
Speaker 1: don't really take that that person there, you know, we've
Speaker 1: always had that or to be like their energy something
Speaker 1: about the energy. I don't know, but just be weird, right, right,
Speaker 1: And the thing is, it's fine, But when when it's
Speaker 1: not fine is when that person crossed the line and
Speaker 1: say you need to do this to that person or
Speaker 1: you need to not do this with that person because
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm saying that that person who's looking
Speaker 1: also has a very limited perspective because they're not existing
Speaker 1: within the relationship. So I'm not saying that what they
Speaker 1: see is not valid, but what they see is from
Speaker 1: their perspective. They can give you their perspective, and you
Speaker 1: have the right to either receive it or not receive it.
Speaker 1: But when someone starts telling you how you should behave
Speaker 1: within your relationship, that's completely wrong because that person doesn't
Speaker 1: even have enough information to tell you how to move
Speaker 1: within your relationship. But they do have the right to
Speaker 1: always tell you what they see because you may have
Speaker 1: blinders on and may not be able to see what
Speaker 1: that person sees. But that's why it's okay to take
Speaker 1: someone's perspective, lock it, and say, let me think about this.
Speaker 1: But then I still have to speak to my partner
Speaker 1: about what I want, what I need, and find out
Speaker 1: what he or she wants and needs, saying I completely
Speaker 1: get that, because I feel like, at least if you've
Speaker 1: give an opinion and you're not necessarily making moves to
Speaker 1: then break this couple up or something like that. If
Speaker 1: it's just an opinion, that's okay, because I a story
Speaker 1: came to mind that I can't probably can't tell it
Speaker 1: because it'll just do too much. However, there's a there's
Speaker 1: somebody that I know who was in a relationship with
Speaker 1: someone still to this day in the relationship. But said
Speaker 1: family member came along and was just like, mm hmm,
Speaker 1: I don't like that person for you. I don't think
Speaker 1: I should be together. And then they were like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm in love. This is what it is. This person
Speaker 1: gonna be around, That's what it is. Said person went
Speaker 1: back and tried to literally like find ways to break
Speaker 1: them up, and then once those failed, and then once
Speaker 1: the couple found out about these said person trying to
Speaker 1: break them up, she no longer wanted to have any
Speaker 1: relationship with this person. And then it's a family member.
Speaker 1: So how do we then go on to make things,
Speaker 1: you know, continue to be just normal. You know, how
Speaker 1: can it be normal from here on out? It can't be.
Speaker 1: It can never be normal. It can never be normal.
Speaker 1: But it's just the fact that someone was actually going
Speaker 1: through like these drastic lengths to break up somebody relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, But that happens me while I had no
Speaker 1: relationship of their own. See, But but that happens often
Speaker 1: because then it says, well, why why was the person
Speaker 1: going to those extremes to do that? And then you
Speaker 1: just mentioned it, right, Misery loves company, and sometimes people
Speaker 1: are are so blinded by their own misery that they're
Speaker 1: not able to see that someone else is legitimately happy.
Speaker 1: You're like, that's reality. I mean, if it's easy to
Speaker 1: say that, that's all that should matter, but people don't
Speaker 1: operate that way. Like if we existed in the utopia,
Speaker 1: where people just focused on what should really matter, we
Speaker 1: would have no issues. But that's that's not the case,
Speaker 1: you know, And and if we're being artists. Because the
Speaker 1: world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people in this world who are
Speaker 1: unhappy about their situation, seriously, and when people are unhappy,
Speaker 1: it's hard for them to find happiness in other people's joy.
Speaker 1: So it's just like, you know what, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of like cynical people out there in the world, which
Speaker 1: is another reason why you can't trust your relationship in
Speaker 1: the hands of other people. Like if we if we
Speaker 1: really really think about it, if me and you are
Speaker 1: going to build a life together, the perfect life we want,
Speaker 1: what point the didn't make to ask other people or
Speaker 1: accept other or accept other people's advice or opinions about
Speaker 1: how you and I are going to build our life.
Speaker 1: We're the only ones that have to live it. They
Speaker 1: can watch, but they really can't help. They can't. And
Speaker 1: when you start to use them as your barometer of
Speaker 1: our happiness, now you're in the place because you could
Speaker 1: be perfectly happy, but it's like, let me see if
Speaker 1: other people are happy for me. And then when they
Speaker 1: start to give their opinions about things, and then that
Speaker 1: starts to weigh on you, and their projections start to
Speaker 1: become your reality. Other people's got a bar. Other people's
Speaker 1: projections can never become your reality. That's the bar. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say it again. I'm gonna say other people's projections
Speaker 1: can never become your reality. And the minute you make
Speaker 1: their projections your reality, you're living in a fake space
Speaker 1: that you'll never be able to find happiness in because
Speaker 1: it's not real. It's just someone else's projection. Now you're
Speaker 1: trying to exist and make their projection your reality, you'll
Speaker 1: never live up to that standard. Curated content at that point, y'all,
Speaker 1: exactly how does curated content do doesn't engage, but doesn't
Speaker 1: engage well, doesn't curated content doesn't engage. Well, that's the truth,
Speaker 1: though it's truth. If you curate your life the people's life,
Speaker 1: it will never work. That's a fact. Your marriage is
Speaker 1: only as strong as the influence you keep. That's pretty dope.
Speaker 1: Peel and Johnson said that it's pretty dope. And what
Speaker 1: we do we tend to. If we wanted to seek
Speaker 1: advice or seek some sort of you know, counsel from someone,
Speaker 1: then you have the select people who you know you
Speaker 1: can do that with. We have couples who have been
Speaker 1: married longer than us together still you know, have had
Speaker 1: of course their fair share of trials and tribulations, have
Speaker 1: raised chill, drin and all that, so you tend to.
Speaker 1: My advice, too, would be to seek the council from
Speaker 1: people who are living similarly to what you live or
Speaker 1: you aspire to be like, because I'm not going to
Speaker 1: seek parenting advice from a person kids, you know, a
Speaker 1: vice versa. Whence the marriage and whatnot. But but it's
Speaker 1: also important to say that seeking council doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you have to mimic their life, because ultimately that's the issue,
Speaker 1: right people try to mimic other people's happiness or they
Speaker 1: try to curate what they think is happiness, and if
Speaker 1: it's not real or if it doesn't work for you,
Speaker 1: then you'll never find it. Then you start to feel
Speaker 1: more depressed. Right. Um, James and Shonda, they've been married.
Speaker 1: They've been married longer than us. They have three boys,
Speaker 1: but at the time we met them, we had three boys.
Speaker 1: You you've just gotten pregnant. Now we have four boys,
Speaker 1: but two of their boys are college graduates, Division one
Speaker 1: scholarship athletes. Right, so we have children who aspire to
Speaker 1: be athletes. So when it comes to seeking advice, we're
Speaker 1: seeking counsel. I'm in the seek council from someone who
Speaker 1: lived that life already. But even when I speak to James,
Speaker 1: James never says, bro, you gotta do it like this.
Speaker 1: He says to me, you have to find ways to
Speaker 1: communicate with your spouse or your sons so that you
Speaker 1: can get the um result that you want. So when
Speaker 1: he was talking to me, I'm like this, he's really
Speaker 1: not giving me any answers. He's not giving me. He's
Speaker 1: look with it because you know your wife and your
Speaker 1: son's best and you know how to communicate with them.
Speaker 1: The best advice I always get from people is always
Speaker 1: people who are telling me find better ways to communicate
Speaker 1: to why I can get the answers from the people
Speaker 1: who I'm trying to build a relationship with, whether it's
Speaker 1: my wife or my sons. And I'm starting to realize, like,
Speaker 1: none of these people who gave me these advice gave
Speaker 1: it to me and told me do it like this,
Speaker 1: because that's a controlling aspect too, right, When someone tells
Speaker 1: you to live this way, they want to control you.
Speaker 1: But when someone's telling you to find ways to communicate
Speaker 1: so you can find the answer within, that's someone who
Speaker 1: truly has your best interests at heart. You know who
Speaker 1: was good for that for me? Dolo. When I used
Speaker 1: to go in there and event about the issues we had,
Speaker 1: Dolo never ever said to me, now, bro, you gotta
Speaker 1: move like this. He always pointed out the ways that
Speaker 1: I might have messed up in our communication process. For example,
Speaker 1: I say we were going over bills, and his first
Speaker 1: thing would be like, well when you said it, devout,
Speaker 1: how did you say it? Because he knows and he
Speaker 1: knows me, And he was just like, well, she's not
Speaker 1: a child she's not a prototype mentee, she's not an employee.
Speaker 1: So if you're speaking from a place of of being
Speaker 1: condescending or authority, she's not going to receive it. Well,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So you got to now
Speaker 1: depends on the scenario or the venue fact. But when
Speaker 1: we're talking about five days as you ain't trying to
Speaker 1: hear that of that. But I was starting to understand.
Speaker 1: His advice was never like, well you need to give
Speaker 1: her more bills. Well, you know what I'm saying. Appreciate that.
Speaker 1: I know you would appreciate that, but no, I trust me.
Speaker 1: Good advice versa goes the same for our friends that
Speaker 1: understand how you operate, and I do as well. Christina
Speaker 1: knew we had on this season. Always gave good advice,
Speaker 1: always give good advice. So we appreciate having our little
Speaker 1: circle friends are a big circle of friends. They're a
Speaker 1: little bit big in our life. That makes sense. All right, y'all,
Speaker 1: let's go pay some bills. I think that was a
Speaker 1: good time, right, and then come back and we're gonna
Speaker 1: see what's going on with y'all this week in the
Speaker 1: listener letters. All right, so stick around, we'll be back
Speaker 1: all right, guys, we're back with listener letters. Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: ladies first today. Okay, all right, I'm gonna try my
Speaker 1: best to keep this short. It's not thank you though.
Speaker 1: We love it though. Okay. I'm a single mother. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty eight, soon to be twenty nine. Alio. I've been
Speaker 1: seeing this guy for about two years now. I've known
Speaker 1: him since high school. I've always had a thing for
Speaker 1: him since the day I saw him. It sounds like me.
Speaker 1: Once we started seeing each other, things were great in
Speaker 1: the first few weeks, then soon after everything changed. He
Speaker 1: started acting different, would ghost me for days, even weeks
Speaker 1: at a time, then come back like, hey, what you're doing.
Speaker 1: I've heard that people hate that what you do in
Speaker 1: text after not having a text for a long time. Okay,
Speaker 1: so maybe I'm just naive or just blinded, But during
Speaker 1: all this time, I fell in love. I'm going to
Speaker 1: explain how. We spent some time together. And it's very
Speaker 1: few people that I connect with on so many levels.
Speaker 1: So I'm really confused on how someone treats me like
Speaker 1: I mean nothing, but he means so much to me
Speaker 1: when we're together, we have bound conversation, we've been out together,
Speaker 1: a few times. I used to love the late night
Speaker 1: car rides with music playing in the background. We would
Speaker 1: just park and talk. I made dinner for his man.
Speaker 1: He's great with my son. Oh, I made dinner for
Speaker 1: this man. So him, I thought make sure he was
Speaker 1: making dinner for everybody. I made dinner for this man.
Speaker 1: He's great with my son and really a great person overall.
Speaker 1: He told me how he feels about me, but he
Speaker 1: sucks at showing it. I love the way he makes
Speaker 1: me feel when we're together. I feel like a woman.
Speaker 1: I feel loved, secure, the way he holds me, the
Speaker 1: way he looks at me. I feel I can be
Speaker 1: the best and worse with him. He motivates me. He
Speaker 1: makes me want to reach for every single goal that
Speaker 1: I've set for myself. Oh, this is getting really muchy.
Speaker 1: I love it. I have so many insecurities about myself,
Speaker 1: and he tells me that I'm beautiful and he sees
Speaker 1: nothing wrong. At the same time, he makes me feel
Speaker 1: like I'm nothing and mean nothing. So he says he
Speaker 1: doesn't want a relationship right now. I told him I'd
Speaker 1: rather be your best friend and wait and just support
Speaker 1: him with his career. He's a rap artist and pretty
Speaker 1: well known in my city Tulsa, Oklahoma. Very handsome guy.
Speaker 1: And I know it's all the ends of women are
Speaker 1: after him. I really just want to know if something's
Speaker 1: worth working on or working towards. This is something to
Speaker 1: work towards. You're squinting, baby, Why you squinting? Um? It
Speaker 1: just sounds like he doesn't want to settle down. Says
Speaker 1: he just doesn't want to settle down, and he's making
Speaker 1: you feel all the things that he may ghost you
Speaker 1: because it's a possibility that you might be making him
Speaker 1: feel all the things too, or he just may be
Speaker 1: saying to himself, she's starting to feel a little bit
Speaker 1: more for me than I feel for her, So let
Speaker 1: me ease up so that way I don't hurt her feelings.
Speaker 1: So I can appreciate that he's not being a douchebag
Speaker 1: about the situation, but he's also not being upfront as
Speaker 1: being up fund he said he doesn't want a relationship,
Speaker 1: and she may be one of many. Oh, he did
Speaker 1: say that, Yes, he said he was up front with that.
Speaker 1: Yet and he right. He may be a great guy.
Speaker 1: He may honestly be a really great guy and very supportive.
Speaker 1: And you're a great girl and knows you're a great girl.
Speaker 1: But if he doesn't want a relationship, he may have
Speaker 1: other women that when he's not spending time with you,
Speaker 1: he's spending time with them. And I think he could
Speaker 1: be more forthcoming by saying, hey, we're not exclusive, so
Speaker 1: you know if there's someone else or not. But I
Speaker 1: honestly feel like if he's ghosting you for days and
Speaker 1: weeks at a time, he's there's definitely other women are
Speaker 1: the people. So I feel like when people show you
Speaker 1: who they are the first time, you believe them. He's
Speaker 1: a great guy. He makes you feel all of the fields,
Speaker 1: but he doesn't fully give you everything that you want
Speaker 1: and need unless she's willing to commit to telling him
Speaker 1: everything he wants and needs and telling him which is
Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy, but ultimately giving him an ultimatum saying hey,
Speaker 1: I want to exist in this space with you exclusively.
Speaker 1: I don't like being ghosted. If he says, okay, cool,
Speaker 1: let's do this, then you know what you're staying. If
Speaker 1: he says now, I'm good, then you can go back to,
Speaker 1: like you said, being his best friend. Because you said
Speaker 1: you did like being friends, you can Guys can be
Speaker 1: friends and then keep it there. But right now it
Speaker 1: seems like they're both being mature adults. I don't get
Speaker 1: the ghosting thing. I know that that's a um that's
Speaker 1: like a date thing that happens with millennials and gen
Speaker 1: zers now everyone talks about being ghosted, but um, I
Speaker 1: never got it. I think it's a part to do
Speaker 1: with the fact that we don't communicate well as a generation.
Speaker 1: You know, people text, text, don't text, don't call text messages. Sorry, y'all,
Speaker 1: no love loss, But it do be like that. And
Speaker 1: and she I think she needs to be a friend
Speaker 1: about it exactly what she wants. Tell him you don't
Speaker 1: like being ghosted. Tell him you want to be exclusive
Speaker 1: and you wanted to be some consistency and communication. See
Speaker 1: what he says. If he says, I'm with it, let's
Speaker 1: try it. Give him grace as he tries, give yourself
Speaker 1: grace as you learn each other. But if he says
Speaker 1: that he doesn't want to do that, you gotta be
Speaker 1: willing to say, hey, I love that sounds good. Number two,
Speaker 1: Hi Condeinian Devote. My husband and I are big fans
Speaker 1: of your show. Thank you so much, Thank you for
Speaker 1: is being so real and transparent and letting your life shine.
Speaker 1: We appreciate you, um. I really enjoy listening to you
Speaker 1: both talk about being married and how you redefine what
Speaker 1: marriage looks like for you. You two our goals. We
Speaker 1: appreciate that. As my husband and I are vastly approaching
Speaker 1: one year of being married, I feel as if I
Speaker 1: haven't been able to fully enjoy this beautiful blessing because
Speaker 1: I feel guilty for slipping away from my family and friends.
Speaker 1: Family has always been extremely important to me. That was
Speaker 1: instilled in me as a young girl to never put
Speaker 1: anyone or anything before your blood. I feel guilty at
Speaker 1: times for my happiness and moving different now than I'm married,
Speaker 1: and I don't want this feeling to affect my marriage
Speaker 1: moving forward. My husband has been very supportive and patient
Speaker 1: with me as I did with my emotions. I need
Speaker 1: your help. How did you overcome any feelings of leaving
Speaker 1: the families you know to create a family with each other.
Speaker 1: I look forward to seeing y'all live one day. We
Speaker 1: will definitely be live soon at Nashville as a stop.
Speaker 1: Much love and blessings to you. I'm gonna let you
Speaker 1: take this one because you and your brother and your
Speaker 1: sister are mad close wow, close out clothes. You became
Speaker 1: my wife and there had to be not a separation
Speaker 1: but an understanding. So talk a little bit about how
Speaker 1: you so. The great thing about this, which I which
Speaker 1: I was waiting forward to see if she would say
Speaker 1: in this, is that she said her husband was very
Speaker 1: supportive and patient with her as she dealt with these emotions.
Speaker 1: I think I can say the same for you, and
Speaker 1: that you understand how important my family, particularly that my
Speaker 1: brother and sister there are to me. So you've always
Speaker 1: made provisions to say, Okay, you miss your brother, you
Speaker 1: want him to come live with us for a little bit.
Speaker 1: My brother lived with us in Michigan when he was
Speaker 1: in the in the middle of transferring schools for four months.
Speaker 1: Right now we're here in this house. I pop up
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, Zakaria is coming to town tomorrow.
Speaker 1: You never beat and I because at this point Zakari
Speaker 1: is like your sister. She's literally like your baby sister.
Speaker 1: So having the support of a spouse that allows you
Speaker 1: to still love on your family as needed, I think
Speaker 1: is something that's paramount and it's very very important. But
Speaker 1: sis is you and your husband talk about it. It's
Speaker 1: you and your husband when you get married. What is
Speaker 1: the saying, oh, woman leaves, a man leaves and leaves
Speaker 1: to his woman Bible. Not when the man finds a
Speaker 1: wife of them to create a family and that becomes
Speaker 1: that becomes your family, so that in turn is your family.
Speaker 1: And I don't think according to this that your family
Speaker 1: is necessarily making you feel a way about having your husband,
Speaker 1: because it seems like according to this, because she hasn't
Speaker 1: mentioned it, that your family may be okay with it.
Speaker 1: In your family, I'm sure understands that you are now
Speaker 1: someone's whole last wife, and you guys are going to
Speaker 1: be building a relationship together and then your own family,
Speaker 1: your own nuclear or family if you decide to have children.
Speaker 1: So let me ask this question. For her to feel guilt,
Speaker 1: that guilt has to be coming from somewhere. Guilt doesn't
Speaker 1: just come out of nowhere. I mean, yes, to know
Speaker 1: because I think about, for example, mom guilt. My kids
Speaker 1: don't necessarily say to me, Mommy, you're not doing X
Speaker 1: y Z for me to feel mom guilt. It could
Speaker 1: just be me feeling guilt in myself because of how
Speaker 1: I want to move. But what happens, though, when you leave,
Speaker 1: the baby cries, that's how you get guilt. Mom guilt
Speaker 1: comes from a reaction to something happening that's traumatic to
Speaker 1: you that you don't like to see. Right, Sometimes people
Speaker 1: don't typically get guilty when everything is going well. People
Speaker 1: typically get guilty when something is not going as planned. Yes,
Speaker 1: maybe mom guilt is not the right analogy, because I
Speaker 1: can tend to be like I know, for example, if
Speaker 1: I walk away from the quota, he's gonna be fine,
Speaker 1: he's gonna be happy, he's gonna smile on my way out.
Speaker 1: But I still may feel bad about going away for
Speaker 1: a weekend, for example, and leaving him behind. Recently felt
Speaker 1: that when we went to New York, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? What was? What was? What caused that feeling?
Speaker 1: It's just me wanting to be there and me feeling
Speaker 1: like I should have brought him along with us, just
Speaker 1: because it would have made me feel better about the situation.
Speaker 1: It could be that, but you're right, if you're gonna
Speaker 1: play devil's advocate, it could be somewhere someone's making so
Speaker 1: if someone giving underhanded, like oh so we don't see
Speaker 1: you anymore, Miss White. One of those things because that happens.
Speaker 1: A lot that does happen. No, No No, I'm absolutely happy
Speaker 1: you don't have but you do not miss my friend.
Speaker 1: I used to see my friend. Now you don't come
Speaker 1: out with us no more. Or you show up at
Speaker 1: the door one day and it's like, look who the
Speaker 1: wind blue is. Yeah, I haven't seen you since. Let
Speaker 1: me scroll the calendar back like one of those things
Speaker 1: like that happen a lot that can be possible to
Speaker 1: And shame on them for making you feel that way
Speaker 1: if that's the case. Um, but I think you should
Speaker 1: if anything like you are getting the support you need
Speaker 1: from your husband, see how you can schedule in those
Speaker 1: days with family. You know what I mean if it
Speaker 1: means that much to you, I don't know if it
Speaker 1: means you going to them more them coming to you.
Speaker 1: You guys going out and doing things. I don't think
Speaker 1: family needs to be forfeited once you get married, especially
Speaker 1: for something you love and enjoy before. It doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be forfeited, but it needs to be an understanding
Speaker 1: that I'm going to consult with my life partner, not
Speaker 1: absolutely you know before anything. You know, and it's it's
Speaker 1: not checking in, it's not being submissive. It's not being
Speaker 1: a simple it's understanding that if two people agreed to
Speaker 1: be partners in life, that person may need to be
Speaker 1: involved in the decisions I make. You know what. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And what happens is other people aren't
Speaker 1: used to you making those provisions. If you've become a spouse, right,
Speaker 1: and it typically starts when you become someone's boyfriend and girlfriend, right,
Speaker 1: it becomes the checking in. Let me check in and
Speaker 1: see if people are yeah, you know, so it's like
Speaker 1: your friends, you know we're gonna go here. Let me
Speaker 1: let me hit up someone like what are you hitting
Speaker 1: them out for? You gotta ask for permission. Typically those
Speaker 1: friends are not in relationships, so they don't understand what
Speaker 1: that means. And you know what I'm saying, And it's
Speaker 1: not a permission thing. It's a common decency thing, especially
Speaker 1: if you live with somebody like absolutely, you know someone's
Speaker 1: gonna be out late and you you're gonna be locking
Speaker 1: the door, putting the alarm on. Let me know that
Speaker 1: you're coming in this house laid, so I don't shoot
Speaker 1: your ass, like just little things like that, or it's
Speaker 1: like you my black man husband, that might be out
Speaker 1: with friends or castmates or whatever. At the end of
Speaker 1: the night, and I need to know that you're gonna
Speaker 1: be coming home safe and sound. So if you're gonna
Speaker 1: be making another stop, or you're gonna be running late,
Speaker 1: or you're home, I want to know to look out
Speaker 1: for you. So it's a simple, common decence, you think, absolutely,
Speaker 1: but it is also a controlled thing when your friends
Speaker 1: I want to have control over your life and say that.
Speaker 1: You know, that's a control thing. Oh you gotta ask him,
Speaker 1: Oh just come, just come. They're trying to control you,
Speaker 1: to get you to make a decision without doing this.
Speaker 1: A lot of friends do that, and that creates guilt
Speaker 1: within people, like damn, I used to be able to
Speaker 1: just go on my own, but now you know, say,
Speaker 1: am I doing too much? Am I moving too fast?
Speaker 1: Should right there? And that's you know, sometimes friends and
Speaker 1: family can I don't want to say accidentally, but you know,
Speaker 1: unknowingly create guilt in a person by making those comments.
Speaker 1: Remember we talked about the back handy compliments people make
Speaker 1: when you start to ascend or what's up, Hollywood, Oh
Speaker 1: it must must be nice to be you, you know, say,
Speaker 1: oh you wild lucky. Those same comments to create, you know,
Speaker 1: guilt within people. We talked about survivors remorse. This creates
Speaker 1: a sort of guilt within people who are now in relationship,
Speaker 1: like damn, am I am I moving differently in my
Speaker 1: forgetting about my family. No, you're not moving and forgetting.
Speaker 1: You're moving the way you're supposed to. If you want
Speaker 1: to build a life and a partnership with someone, that's
Speaker 1: a fact. So there you go. Good luck to you all.
Speaker 1: All right, um, if you want to be featured in
Speaker 1: our listener letters segments, go ahead and submit an email.
Speaker 1: It's like the lottery. You know, we might pick you,
Speaker 1: we might not, but send it anyway. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: Send all the emails because we enjoy the love. We
Speaker 1: love reading everything. Email us at dead as Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S
Speaker 1: s A d V I c E because Cane says,
Speaker 1: I always forget to eat, even though I think my
Speaker 1: c rolls and together, because I don't forget to eat,
Speaker 1: because it would because if I didn't say to eat,
Speaker 1: be dead ascid, vict, and I can't. I can't have
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Speaker 1: get there. It's gonna be like usps mail, ain't never
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Speaker 1: that's dead. As advice at gmail dot com. What's truth
Speaker 1: moments have we pulled from today's episode. We went over
Speaker 1: all the things we talked about, those negative hidden influences,
Speaker 1: share your coded goodness, the innocence comparison game, the desensitizer,
Speaker 1: the unavoidable negative influences. Anything speak to you in that
Speaker 1: moment of truth time that we have. Yes, my moment
Speaker 1: of truth is very simple. Curating your relationship to other
Speaker 1: people's projections will create a false reality for you and
Speaker 1: your partner period like that. That's just That's just said.
Speaker 1: You cannot curate your relationship to anyone else's projections or
Speaker 1: expectations because you will always fail at trying to meet
Speaker 1: someone else's expectations. The only person you should curate this
Speaker 1: relationship with is the person you are in the relationship with.
Speaker 1: The dead ass. I love that. I love that. UM.
Speaker 1: I think for me that I definitely UM agree with
Speaker 1: what you said. UM. I think I'm going to talk
Speaker 1: about from my moment of truth, just the importance of
Speaker 1: creating boundaries, UM for yourself, sometimes for people around you,
Speaker 1: um not people not allowing people to have the comfort
Speaker 1: level that they feel sometimes to be able to project
Speaker 1: on your relationship. It could be that friend who has
Speaker 1: been with you, you know, ride to die for years
Speaker 1: and you feel like knows. You best be very deliberate
Speaker 1: about the boundaries that you set for people penetrating your
Speaker 1: psyche to say, you know what, They may have my
Speaker 1: best interests at heart, or they may just not be
Speaker 1: equipped to advise me in this moment, so I need
Speaker 1: to turn to my spouse or my significant other and
Speaker 1: really address them directly. My friend can be the sounding board.
Speaker 1: My friend can be that source of venting. You know,
Speaker 1: you just have to sometimes get it out, but not
Speaker 1: relying solely on what they say as bible for you.
Speaker 1: Oh God, no one else has to understand your relationship
Speaker 1: for it to be perfect to you. That is important.
Speaker 1: That's a good one. The whole world could not understand
Speaker 1: in your relationship. But if you and your partner are
Speaker 1: in bliss buck everybody else look at the moment of
Speaker 1: truth having a whole drop down. Men, you y'all a dropdown?
Speaker 1: Add that to it. It's not just one, it's not
Speaker 1: just two. We got a lot serious, okay, serious, All
Speaker 1: right now, I love it alright, y'all. Well, that was
Speaker 1: a nice little chat that we had here. Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: I think y'all should follow us on social media. Um,
Speaker 1: that's a good thing to do. I mean, even though
Speaker 1: we talked about social media and boundaries. We hope that
Speaker 1: you don't have to block us one day because we
Speaker 1: love to have y'all so dead ask the podcast is
Speaker 1: our podcast page? Where were post clips and video and
Speaker 1: all that good stuff that our team works super super
Speaker 1: hard on. So shout out to our team, Josh Pack Trible,
Speaker 1: and you can find me at Cadena. I am and
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