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Speaker 1: Your relationship doesn't have to make sense to anybody else

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Speaker 1: in the world except you and your partner. Dead ass.

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Speaker 1: I agree with that, and I used to kind of

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Speaker 1: wonder why people had to hide their significant other from

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Speaker 1: social media, but as it continues to grow, I get it. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow

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Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to take this story back. So when we

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Speaker 1: were nineteen years old, Okay, all right, this is a

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Speaker 1: time when Cadein had just moved into Hostra. You and

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Speaker 1: I were all into each other, like all into each

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Speaker 1: other every single day doing this, doing that. I remember

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Speaker 1: telling my father when I was about nineteen, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna get married to this girl and

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Speaker 1: he laughed, I don't know you had a moment like that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was nineteen. This was um summertime. You had had

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Speaker 1: the allergic reaction to the medication the sofa, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't know what's gonna happen. I remember that feeling like yo,

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Speaker 1: like I don't know what life would be like if

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Speaker 1: something happened to this girl. And I remember saying, my pops,

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Speaker 1: and I think we gonna mater her and he laughed.

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Speaker 1: It was like you only nineteen, you have no idea. Then,

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Speaker 1: my mom, it was like, you know, don't you think?

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Speaker 1: You and Devout, I mean you and Cadine, are you know,

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Speaker 1: moving too fast? You're playing house Like this isn't good

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Speaker 1: for you guys. You guys need to take some space.

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Speaker 1: And I remember Andrew English saying to me, oh, you

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Speaker 1: guys love each other. Now, okay, we'll see in a

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Speaker 1: couple of months. I pretty much remember everybody that I

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Speaker 1: spoke to saying that you and I were never ever

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Speaker 1: ever gonna work, and now look at us and The

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Speaker 1: funny thing is they couldn't fathom this making sense because

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Speaker 1: we were so young and just doing everything that people

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Speaker 1: told us we shouldn't be doing at that age. And

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Speaker 1: look at where we are now, just me, you, just

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Speaker 1: the two of us. We can make it if we try,

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Speaker 1: just the two of us, you and hey, just the

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Speaker 1: two of us. Baby, that's a tool right off into

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Speaker 1: the sunset, because we we it's been sunny. It's been

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Speaker 1: some dog gloomy days, doing some thunderstorms, some minsoons, some tornadoes,

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Speaker 1: the hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, there's been a lot. It's been

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Speaker 1: in almost twenty years, but it's been just the two

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Speaker 1: of us. All right, Well, let's take a break and

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Speaker 1: then we can come back into unpacking story time and

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Speaker 1: talking more about keeping social media opinions out of your relationship. No,

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Speaker 1: not just social media, everybody being opinions in general of

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Speaker 1: your relationship. Okay, guys, so we're back, are back, and

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Speaker 1: today I can't I can't wait to talk about this

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Speaker 1: because I'm actually pretty proud of us. Yes, I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: proud of us because along this this twenty year journey,

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Speaker 1: there's been a lot of people who told us that

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Speaker 1: it wasn't gonna work doing it the way we're doing it,

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Speaker 1: Like a lot of people, we got friends, family, social media,

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Speaker 1: like a lot of people out of y'all is out

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Speaker 1: there betting against us, betting against saying it was never

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Speaker 1: gonna work. Right, And it's okay because we understand what

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Speaker 1: it is. You know what I mean. It's not seeing

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Speaker 1: certain things. No, it's not okay. It's not okay. We'll

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Speaker 1: go ahead, finish what you were saying. But if I

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Speaker 1: was gonna say it's okay, because people cannot foresee things

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Speaker 1: when it's the road less traveled, right, because we're all

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Speaker 1: inclined to do what everyone else is doing most of

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Speaker 1: the time, or we're always taking approval from them asses

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Speaker 1: or from the family and friends. So in that effort

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Speaker 1: to seek approval, people usually will decide not to do

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Speaker 1: the things that they want to do, or will you know,

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Speaker 1: hide their feelings or dampen their feelings because they feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I don't want to have to deal

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Speaker 1: with the scrutiny or the potential ridiculing or the potential failure,

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Speaker 1: because then you have the people that will hit you

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Speaker 1: with the will I told you all this wasn't going

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Speaker 1: to work, you know, So unless you're strong enough to

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Speaker 1: deal with that, or just don't want to deal with that,

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Speaker 1: I can see how some people will succumb to that.

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Speaker 1: My my issue with with that is you exist in

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Speaker 1: a relationship with the other person right when you're trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out how this relationship is going to work

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Speaker 1: with you, all the other people who are outside of

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Speaker 1: the relationship have no dog in a fight, right, So

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Speaker 1: to me, whatever advice they give you, you should take

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Speaker 1: it with a grain of salt, because that person cannot

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Speaker 1: teach you how to figure out your partner if they

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Speaker 1: don't exist with within your relationship. What I it happens

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Speaker 1: to a lot of people is take social media for example. Right,

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Speaker 1: they'll post things on social media about their relationship, and

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Speaker 1: when other people say things about their relationship, then they

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Speaker 1: start to second guess what they're doing in their relationship.

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Speaker 1: For example, it's gonna be I'm gonna use an extreme

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Speaker 1: example because it's I wanted to be extreme for a reason. Right.

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Speaker 1: What if you and I were swingers, right, and we

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Speaker 1: enjoyed swinging, So then we say on social media, Canina

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Speaker 1: and I enjoy swinging? So now we put out there

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Speaker 1: with swinging. Of course, the vast majority of people like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, what's the point of being married if

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Speaker 1: you're gonna include other people in your bedroom? What if

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Speaker 1: it's out of out of that right? So then once

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Speaker 1: they say that, typically people like, dang, they're right, maybe

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't be swinging. So then they stopped swinging because

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Speaker 1: they want to appease the people who are following them

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Speaker 1: on social media, or their family or their friends. Because

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's not social media. Sometimes you know, your family

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Speaker 1: finds out that just swinging, and then it's you shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be doing that, blah blah blah blah, your friends find

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Speaker 1: out and for the record, we're not swingers. I'm using this.

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Speaker 1: I'm using this extreme example because they'll start propositioning us,

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Speaker 1: don't put the close friends, but y'all being there close

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Speaker 1: friends doing all sorts of crazy because people do do that.

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Speaker 1: And the funny thing is we've we've recently saw a

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Speaker 1: couple through someone else's closest friends who openly have sex

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Speaker 1: when they're close friends. And my first response was, if

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Speaker 1: they're happy doing that and it works for them, then

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Speaker 1: that's fine. There was not one thing in my mind

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Speaker 1: that was just like why would they do that. It

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Speaker 1: was just like, if they're enjoying it and they you know,

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Speaker 1: they like it, then that's up to them. But what

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Speaker 1: happens typically is they say, for example, like I said,

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Speaker 1: the extreme example that we said, we're swinging, all these

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Speaker 1: people start to say that we shouldn't do it. Then

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Speaker 1: we try to practice what those people say should work

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Speaker 1: best for us. So now in order to appease them,

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Speaker 1: we start catering and curating our relationship to their wants

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Speaker 1: as opposed to our wants. And now we're unhappy in

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Speaker 1: our relationship, but we're putting on the facade to everyone

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Speaker 1: else that we are in order to make them feel

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Speaker 1: happy about our relationship. That makes no sense, but a

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Speaker 1: lot of people do that. And one thing I'll say,

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Speaker 1: I'm proud of us. I don't think that we've ever

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Speaker 1: done that. We've never done that with our relationship. We

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Speaker 1: don't do that. Even with our content that we put

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Speaker 1: out there on social media. Is a very parallel situation.

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Speaker 1: You know, we've been asked a tons of times, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, your content, where does it come from? What

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Speaker 1: do you guys decide what you're going to put out

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Speaker 1: there or not? Do you listen to the comments and

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Speaker 1: then change your content if people don't agree with this

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Speaker 1: or people are not watching that. And the response is

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Speaker 1: always no, because what happens is we're going to put

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Speaker 1: content out and the people that it's meant for and

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Speaker 1: the people who are going to receive it, we'll receive it.

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Speaker 1: And if you don't, it just was not meant for you.

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Speaker 1: And then the truth of the matter is is that's

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Speaker 1: how it is with relationship. Yeah, right. People have to

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Speaker 1: learn to live within their relationship and stop seeking approval

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Speaker 1: from people outside of their relationships. That don't matter, whether

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Speaker 1: it's social media and family and friends. So went and

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Speaker 1: printed up some facts and stats. You know, I love

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Speaker 1: your your Your trouble is terrible. You need to man,

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Speaker 1: just stop stop. Let me do the trouble, all right.

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Speaker 1: Three powerful ways influences impact your relationships. They will either

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Speaker 1: speak truth or breathe lies to you, shaping your mood,

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Speaker 1: opinions towards your husband and your marital foundation. Husband or wife.

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Speaker 1: Influencers will plant seeds of desires in your heart mind

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Speaker 1: that will determine your actions. Will either encourage or discourage

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Speaker 1: you in your dreams for your marriage. So influencers meaning

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Speaker 1: people who are putting content out there like no, no, no no,

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Speaker 1: this is not just about social media. It's just influencial.

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Speaker 1: So what happens is is will we'll get into any influence,

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Speaker 1: any influences for example, for example, the hidden negative influences,

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Speaker 1: sugarcoated goodness. Right, you know that best friend you love

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Speaker 1: that always has your back, I'm going to be honest

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Speaker 1: with I'm gonna be honest. If her having your back

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Speaker 1: is more of her agreeing to everything you say, she

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Speaker 1: is not the influence he or she is not the

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Speaker 1: influence you need. Keep her as the best friend. Sure,

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Speaker 1: talk to her about challenges within your marriage. No, by

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Speaker 1: her constantly agreeing with you, she is confirming lies you

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Speaker 1: may you might be telling yourself, and it's obviously biased.

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Speaker 1: So this is what happens. Right, for this example, you

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Speaker 1: and I both have friends. Some of us have those

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Speaker 1: friends who are like yes friends, yes, friends, I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: So when I'm upset at you, if I decide to

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Speaker 1: go to my friends and I know we're gonna yuess

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Speaker 1: me and I just tell them, this is what happened.

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Speaker 1: This is what KaDee did right, regardless of whether I'm

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Speaker 1: wrong or not. They're willing to just be like, yeah, bro,

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Speaker 1: you need to do this, or do you have any

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Speaker 1: friends like that? Honestly though, because I feel like within

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Speaker 1: our circle group, yeah, both you and I in the

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Speaker 1: palm of my hand can fit my closest friends. And

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Speaker 1: to say that, at least for us, we don't have that,

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Speaker 1: but everyone does have a most friend. Yes. But and

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Speaker 1: here's the thing with with my friends. One of the

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Speaker 1: people I can fight in the most my Boidolo. Then um,

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Speaker 1: I got my brother Brian. These are two guys that

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Speaker 1: I can fight in with my marriage because they'll give

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Speaker 1: me an unbiased, objective opinion not only about myself but

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Speaker 1: about the entire situation. And they'll both code it owns

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Speaker 1: you by saying, well, you know what goes on between

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Speaker 1: you and Cadeine, but from what you're telling me, So

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Speaker 1: even by them saying that is letting me know that

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Speaker 1: they're putting a disclaimer, Like listen, bro, you're the only

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Speaker 1: one that knows. But based on what you told me,

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Speaker 1: this is what I feel and this is what I see,

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Speaker 1: and they'll hold me accountable. Accountability is important. But when

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Speaker 1: you have that yes friend who doesn't ever want to

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Speaker 1: hold you accountable, because they're more they feel more pleased

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Speaker 1: by just having you like them. That's a terrible person

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Speaker 1: to seek advice about your marriage. That guest friend can

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Speaker 1: tend to also be also transformed into what I like

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Speaker 1: to call that dearer self friend, the energizer friend. And

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Speaker 1: when I put the battery in your back, you know

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Speaker 1: y'all know about that friend is just like guess like

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Speaker 1: amping up the situation. And sometimes you know, it could

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Speaker 1: be a situation where you have a friend that could

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Speaker 1: be jealous of your lifestyle, of your relationship. Maybe it's

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Speaker 1: that single friend that has no like you said, dog

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Speaker 1: in the fight, or has no idea what it's like

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Speaker 1: to even be involved in the relationship. They may feel

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Speaker 1: like they know you as a person, but then they

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Speaker 1: have a responsibility. I feel like to be honest with

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Speaker 1: you and say, girl or bro, you know how you are.

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Speaker 1: Is it possible that it may have been seen this way?

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Speaker 1: So you kind of want to make sure that when

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Speaker 1: you are divulging these potential issues that you have within

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Speaker 1: your relationship to someone, it's someone who can see both

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Speaker 1: sides or at least acknowledge that there's both sides and

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Speaker 1: not just yes to to death. Some people are okay

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Speaker 1: with someone asking them to death because they feel like,

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Speaker 1: all right, well I have that's what they want, what

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Speaker 1: they want, And usually I think for the most part,

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Speaker 1: when people see advice, I would say people seek advice

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Speaker 1: for affirmation that they may be right in their stance,

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Speaker 1: and not necessarily clarity or an opinion. What do you think? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I I agree with you. I feel like the vast

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Speaker 1: majority of people, especially because of the social media, and

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Speaker 1: we're gonna do a whole podcast on social media. But

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Speaker 1: people want likes, People want approval, right, especially people who

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Speaker 1: may have some insecurities or may feel like the world

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Speaker 1: is against them. They want that person that's just going

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Speaker 1: to agree with them so they can feel strongly about

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Speaker 1: their opinion, as opposed to finding someone who's gonna objectively

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Speaker 1: tell them based on what you told me, this is

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Speaker 1: how I feel, and also say I can't give you

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Speaker 1: the answers, right, You have to constantly look for the

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Speaker 1: answers within your relationship from your partner. But you can

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Speaker 1: also seek counsel to gain a greater perspectively right, And

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Speaker 1: and that's what I don't want people to misconscrue. Right,

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Speaker 1: seeking counsel to gat to gain a greater a greater prospect.

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Speaker 1: It's not the same thing as seeking affirmation so that

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Speaker 1: you can feel better about how you feel. You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying about what's going on in your relationship

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Speaker 1: and the differences. Seeking counsel to create a greater perspective

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Speaker 1: can also teach you to see from your partner's perspective.

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Speaker 1: They don't give you the answer of how to deal

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Speaker 1: with the situation, but they may say, maybe your partner

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Speaker 1: is feeling like this, and once again, that person is

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Speaker 1: teaching you how to once again look towards your partner

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Speaker 1: for the answer, as opposed to saying, yeah, bro, you're right,

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Speaker 1: you should do this because you get a lot of

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Speaker 1: that Yeah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't let my wife do that.

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Speaker 1: Perfect example, we talked about finances on this podcast a lot.

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Speaker 1: There was a point where we were struggling with our

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Speaker 1: finances because we were learning how to work together as

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Speaker 1: a team and build a foundation financially because we had

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Speaker 1: different mindsets on finances. Your parents didn't talk well with

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Speaker 1: you about finances. My father talked a lot to me

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Speaker 1: about finances. I felt like I was a little bit

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Speaker 1: more prepared, so when it came time to work with

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Speaker 1: you on it, I was just like, how do I

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Speaker 1: get candeinmed to experience what I experienced. I had some

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Speaker 1: friends just be like, no, this is why you need

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Speaker 1: to pay half the rent, you need to pay half

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Speaker 1: the mortgage, you need to do this, and I was

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Speaker 1: just like that, but that's not that's not what I

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Speaker 1: want to do. You know what I'm saying. That wouldn't

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Speaker 1: be fulfilling to me number one, but that's not how

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Speaker 1: our relationship works. And he's like, well, at my house

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Speaker 1: we do this. And then for me, I could have

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Speaker 1: been like, well, let me try to do what they

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Speaker 1: do in their house, but that might not have been

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Speaker 1: the answer. So I chose not to do it, and

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Speaker 1: we figured out our way through constantly talking about it.

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Speaker 1: But I did listen to their perspective. But I didn't

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Speaker 1: just say I'm going to curate my relationship to look

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Speaker 1: like yours. You know what I'm saying, absolutely to sense.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people need to learn that.

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Speaker 1: And speaking of curating relationships to look like others, the

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Speaker 1: innocent comparison game, all right. I was looking at this

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Speaker 1: and I was like, you don't know these people here.

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Speaker 1: Social media couples, you know, the ones who offended up

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Speaker 1: on vacation three days out of the year. Couples them,

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Speaker 1: stop it and follow them? What good are they bringing

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Speaker 1: you if you have to feel like your marriage is

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Speaker 1: somehow missing out because it doesn't look like there's it's

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Speaker 1: a negative influence and you need to cut that follow

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Speaker 1: cold Turkey. Now, it could be two things. I think

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Speaker 1: with this. You follow those couples that are on vacation

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Speaker 1: and doing their thing and whatnot, because it's it's an

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Speaker 1: aspirational lifestyle that's very involved in social media, right, so

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Speaker 1: you follow people that make you feel good, or you

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Speaker 1: follow people that you know. You might say to yourself,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I can envision myself doing this one

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Speaker 1: day or doing that one day based off of what

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Speaker 1: you see. So I don't know if it's necessarily a

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Speaker 1: hard unfollowed for me, but if it's a thing where

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Speaker 1: you feel like, man, these people on vacation three days

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Speaker 1: out the year and I'm just you know, counting down

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Speaker 1: to I get my little two weeks vacation so I

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Speaker 1: can go away. Don't be fooled. A lot of times

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Speaker 1: this recycled content because they don't shoot thousands words of

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Speaker 1: content on their one week vacation and then stretch that

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Speaker 1: joint out for about three months. Mokes and mirrors, y'all,

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Speaker 1: Smokes and mirrors protect your mental health. If that's the case,

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Speaker 1: if you need to one follow, do that. But I

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Speaker 1: think you need to kind of take that with a

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Speaker 1: grain of salt and just understand that what you see

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Speaker 1: on social media is not necessarily always the reality. But

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Speaker 1: but the truth of the matter is that you can't

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Speaker 1: blame those comples for posting that way. You have to

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Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself, like, like you just said,

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Speaker 1: if looking at this content makes me feel good and

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Speaker 1: makes me inspired to get up and work harder so

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Speaker 1: I can reach that point in my life, it's good.

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Speaker 1: If it makes you look at your spouse and be like,

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Speaker 1: we don't fucking go nowhere, then that's a horrible follow

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Speaker 1: because now what you're doing is comparing your life to

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Speaker 1: other people's life, and you don't know how real that

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Speaker 1: life is. And like I said, we're gonna talk in

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Speaker 1: full about social media on another episode, but what I

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Speaker 1: think is important that you brought up is how it

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Speaker 1: makes you feel. Right if you're following people and it's

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Speaker 1: constantly making you become more self loathing, more depressed, more jealous,

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Speaker 1: and give you more anxiety. Look at your partner, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I wish you would do things like this person,

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Speaker 1: that's a bad way to to be in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: And that might just even be a person thing, a

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Speaker 1: person to person thing. And I say that because even

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Speaker 1: the story about us, I think we might have told

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Speaker 1: it before, where we used to go down and visit

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Speaker 1: our friends who were a married couple at the time

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Speaker 1: that lived in Virginia, had a huge home out there.

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Speaker 1: We would drive down and go for weekends and have

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Speaker 1: a ball out there. And for us, we saw that

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Speaker 1: as like motivation, like we'd go down there, it was

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Speaker 1: almost like being on a resort for weekends, and then

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Speaker 1: we would just take that drive back to New York

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Speaker 1: feeling so inspired and feeling like, man, one day, we

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Speaker 1: want to be able to live comfortably like this, where

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Speaker 1: our children have space and we'll have space, and we

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Speaker 1: can have space to entertain our friends and family and

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Speaker 1: have them over. And for us, we didn't take that

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Speaker 1: as damn. Now I'm going back to this sucks apartment

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Speaker 1: in Brooklyn, and now I'm mad at Devout because he

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Speaker 1: brings me back to this. You know, Crown Heights, you

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Speaker 1: know on New York Avenue, like damn, you know, instead

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Speaker 1: of that being the approach for us, that was something

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Speaker 1: we continue to do because we felt inspired by that.

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Speaker 1: So it could be a person to person thing and

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Speaker 1: how you tend to dissect Listen, it's always a person

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Speaker 1: of person thing. That's why you can't blame the influences,

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Speaker 1: whether it be family or friends or social media. You

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Speaker 1: have to look within right First, as a person, you

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Speaker 1: have to look within and saying what influences are making

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Speaker 1: me negatively feel feel negatively about my spouse. Then you

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Speaker 1: have to look inwardly at the relationship and saying what

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Speaker 1: can we do to create a better life for ourselves,

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Speaker 1: as opposed to looking outward and saying how can our

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Speaker 1: lives mimic this? Because even mimicking someone else may not

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Speaker 1: make you happy. You could spend all of your time

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Speaker 1: saying I'm going to curate my life to be exactly

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Speaker 1: like this person. For example, what if you're not into

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Speaker 1: swinging right? You and I were not into swinging right,

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Speaker 1: Say we're having a sexually, which happens in marriages, and

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Speaker 1: it's like, how can I get out this rut right,

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Speaker 1: as opposed to saying, let me speak to my wife

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Speaker 1: and figure out my wife wants to need and figure

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Speaker 1: it out. A lot of people say, well, that couple

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Speaker 1: looks like they're having fun. What are they doing? But

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Speaker 1: then you asked them what are y'all doing and they say, oh,

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Speaker 1: we're swinging. Now you're trying to swing with your wife, right,

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Speaker 1: And it's the whole last fight. And you go to

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Speaker 1: a party and it's a swinger party, and now your

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Speaker 1: wife is over there sucking somebody else dick, and now

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Speaker 1: you're mad. Now you're mad because you tried to act

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Speaker 1: like the swingers. Your wife is enjoying herself. Ry spring,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And all because you tried

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Speaker 1: to curate your life from swinger the springer, y'all from

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Speaker 1: swinging the springer. That's from from swinging the springer. You

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Speaker 1: you try to curate your life somebody else. Look, we

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Speaker 1: see what you used to watch? What you're supposed to

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Speaker 1: be in school? How wasn't school? But when I went

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Speaker 1: to my grandmother after that we used to sit, we

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Speaker 1: have some tea and some heartobread and watch all this

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Speaker 1: The reason all the shows shout out to my grandmother

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Speaker 1: makes you rest in shout out to Grandma Joseph. But

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Speaker 1: but you know, I completely get it. When you try

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Speaker 1: to curate your life like someone else's thinking that because

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Speaker 1: their happiness looks so great, that you could have their happiness,

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Speaker 1: and you try it and you feel pissy, that's when

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Speaker 1: it's like, you see, all you have to do is

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00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:23,879
Speaker 1: speak to your partner conversation and then also to piggyback

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Speaker 1: on that whole thing we talked about un following. But

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Speaker 1: then you also kind of know what boundaries are needed

404
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Speaker 1: for you to kind of clear your mind or clear

405
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Speaker 1: your spaces certain things. Because if you're not a person

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Speaker 1: that is able to follow these things that you tend

407
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Speaker 1: to see or as aspirational you tend to see is

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Speaker 1: feel good, if they in turn are making you not

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Speaker 1: feel good, then you should be able to know, you

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Speaker 1: know what I need to unfollow, I need to block

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Speaker 1: I need to create this boundary with this family member

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Speaker 1: or this friend who is not just putting healthy thoughts

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Speaker 1: in my mind. Absolutely so, boundaries are very very the desensitizer,

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Speaker 1: which is next, This is this is more important than

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Speaker 1: social media. This is our generation has been caught with

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Speaker 1: this one more than social media, because social media is

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Speaker 1: fairly new what you hear and see. Hollywood has such

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Speaker 1: a great way of glamorizing everything, including thinking patterns, ideas,

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Speaker 1: and behaviors that are dangerous for marriages. Be aware of

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Speaker 1: the shows you are watching over and over. Do not

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Speaker 1: let their ideas and desires eventually become yours, especially how

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Speaker 1: you treat your husband or wife. Again, there is a

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Speaker 1: lot more science behind what you're allowing your brain to

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Speaker 1: receive than what you realize. For example, and I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: become from from a male standpoint, right, Hollywood has made

426
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Speaker 1: us fall in love or glamorized with the night and

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Speaker 1: Shining Armor. Right, you have to be this way in

428
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,600
Speaker 1: order to be considered a night and Shining armor. Right.

429
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:56,359
Speaker 1: You have to be tall, dark, handsome, make money, perfect teeth, ads,

430
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,879
Speaker 1: and you have to find a woman who is a

431
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 1: damsel in distress that you can save. Right. Hollywood tells

432
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:06,199
Speaker 1: us these stories. Disney Disney is yeah, you see what

433
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Disney has shown us and while they don't

434
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 1: haven't done Disney movies, but they have been part of

435
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:17,000
Speaker 1: movies romantic commedies where they've saved the woman. Right, So,

436
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 1: as a man, we've been taught in our life like

437
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,360
Speaker 1: I need to find a woman to save from Hollywood.

438
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,360
Speaker 1: Like that's part of it, right, Women is like don't

439
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:29,720
Speaker 1: need to be said what I'm saying, and and what if?

440
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 1: What if you you find a woman who not only

441
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be saved, but what if you need

442
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 1: to be saved and you find a woman who can

443
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 1: bring more into your life to be of service to you,

444
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,679
Speaker 1: to help you, and you can serve her in ways.

445
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 1: So now you're trying to curate your relationship to based

446
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 1: on what you've seen in Hollywood. But you fall in

447
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 1: love with a woman who doesn't fit the damsel in distress,

448
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,879
Speaker 1: or if you're a woman and you fall into a

449
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,399
Speaker 1: man who doesn't fit the tall, dark and handsome, but

450
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,320
Speaker 1: now you're like, well he's not what I expected, but

451
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,399
Speaker 1: I'm in of So you know what, you know what

452
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 1: these people trying to do. They try to change their

453
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 1: spouse or they try to talk themselves out of it.

454
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: How many times have we seen a person that is

455
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 1: with somebody that treats them like like you know, we've

456
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 1: you know, does everything for them, is there for them

457
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,639
Speaker 1: it's like all the things, but it's like Homegirls glunting

458
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 1: for punishment because she was with the Homeboys in the past,

459
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,359
Speaker 1: we're treating her like shit. So now it's like, oh

460
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,119
Speaker 1: my god, this is the one person that just adores me,

461
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,119
Speaker 1: but he does not necessarily fit them all of what

462
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,919
Speaker 1: I thought I wanted. I'm gonna talk this, talk myself

463
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: out of this. What could be my fever person? And

464
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,959
Speaker 1: we are all guilty of creating an idea of our

465
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,440
Speaker 1: forever person based on the things that we've watched on TV. Yes,

466
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 1: I know our generation in particular because we watched a

467
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,400
Speaker 1: lot of TV. There was no YouTube and Google back then,

468
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 1: so we watched TV and said, I want my person

469
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,080
Speaker 1: to look like everything that I've seen. And before social media,

470
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: there's reality television. Think about all the shows where they're

471
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: showing these lifestyles that are supposed to be something glamorized,

472
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,200
Speaker 1: which I think over time has shown to be more

473
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,639
Speaker 1: hot messages than anything. But but um, there's that influence

474
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: out there that I think people still compare their relationships

475
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,919
Speaker 1: to regularly. And here's the last one. Go ahead, the

476
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 1: unavoidable negative influences. So we have say unavoidable in quotes

477
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,879
Speaker 1: right families, which I don't necessarily think it is unavoidable

478
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,439
Speaker 1: because we did have the episode we talked about creating

479
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 1: ourselves to that. However, they are unavoidable to some degree.

480
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:26,399
Speaker 1: But you have to remember that within families that ground

481
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:30,359
Speaker 1: rules are necessary. Remember we talked about boundaries, right, and

482
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,240
Speaker 1: really talk to your husband or wife about being a

483
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,480
Speaker 1: united front. Family members have a way of being able

484
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,919
Speaker 1: to create sparks and marriages, not the good time, not

485
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,600
Speaker 1: the good kind, y'all. Um, So tread lightly and look

486
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,400
Speaker 1: to see how the influences of your family is either

487
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:52,239
Speaker 1: positive or negative to your relationship, especially your dreams as

488
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:56,399
Speaker 1: a couple. So if you were or if I were you,

489
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: I would purge out the negative influences in your marriage

490
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,520
Speaker 1: and only seek the positives. So you and I talked

491
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,439
Speaker 1: about this. There was a point where your mom was

492
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,400
Speaker 1: thinking that we want to do things the right way.

493
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: My mom was thinking we weren't doing things the right way.

494
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,120
Speaker 1: My dad was thinking we weren't doing things the right way.

495
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,879
Speaker 1: And we didn't purge them out of our lives because

496
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,399
Speaker 1: this had the unquote unavoidable because you can avoid them

497
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 1: in some degree. Um, And we did avoid you avoid

498
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 1: my mom mom for two years. But you and I

499
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:28,119
Speaker 1: also avoided going to my parents home four times because

500
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:30,520
Speaker 1: we wanted to live a certain way. No exactly, Yeah,

501
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,960
Speaker 1: I remember the times we lived in Michigan and your

502
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,359
Speaker 1: your dad, Um, we would come back to New York

503
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,320
Speaker 1: and this is this is the grind devours gears, y'all.

504
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,679
Speaker 1: At this point we Devot was in the NFL and

505
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 1: we were in Michigan living in Detroit together. Um, and

506
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: they came to bought a home and everything. They came

507
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,480
Speaker 1: to visit us. I think it was for Thanksgiving or

508
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,360
Speaker 1: some holiday, and his parents came and stayed with us,

509
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: and all was well. A couple of weeks or months after,

510
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,919
Speaker 1: we go back to New York now to stay in

511
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,800
Speaker 1: New York for a couple of days or weeks or whatever,

512
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,880
Speaker 1: and Devo's dad pretty much tells us that we are

513
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,119
Speaker 1: not allowed to sleep together in the same room in

514
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 1: his home because we're not married yet. Devout blew a

515
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: whole gasket. He was just like, excuse me. First of all,

516
00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 1: you came to my house in Michigan a couple of

517
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,400
Speaker 1: weeks ago and stay there comfortably because you wasn't about

518
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 1: to pay for no hotel room. However, now that I'm

519
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: in your house, and I was like, oh, it is

520
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,119
Speaker 1: his house. I guess it's his rule. But so you

521
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 1: know what we did. We didn't stay at his house.

522
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 1: We didn't stay in this house. Nope, we didn't stay

523
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 1: in it. Was concerned about the influence we would be

524
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,600
Speaker 1: to his sister and all kinds of stuff. And yeah,

525
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,480
Speaker 1: still not convinced. I'm not convinced to that. One thing

526
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,680
Speaker 1: I know about my father's she's extremely frugal, So he

527
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 1: was he was willing to at that time bypass his

528
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,480
Speaker 1: morals and his moral compass to stay at our house

529
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: because he was not going to pay for a hotel

530
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,040
Speaker 1: for a week. And my sister was there. My sister

531
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: watched us live in our own house and sleep in

532
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,679
Speaker 1: the same bed at every night. But then when we

533
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 1: came to live in Brooke, and it was like, oh,

534
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:02,880
Speaker 1: I don't think it's appropriate. If you really didn't think

535
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,879
Speaker 1: it was that appropriate, your ass would have stayed in

536
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,159
Speaker 1: the hotel when you was in Michigan. Were trying to

537
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 1: have your back, but I couldn't on this one bro

538
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,440
Speaker 1: And and the thing is, it's fine because it's your house.

539
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely were gonna respect it. But the point is people

540
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:21,200
Speaker 1: have been telling us our entire relationship how we should

541
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 1: do things, from parents to to cousins too well. Our

542
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,200
Speaker 1: sisters and brothers have always have been supportive of us,

543
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:34,399
Speaker 1: but friends, social media like, there's always been a group

544
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,160
Speaker 1: of people who've always been like, no, you should live

545
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 1: this way, and we've ignored them. And I think in

546
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: part because we've ignored them is the reason why we've

547
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:49,880
Speaker 1: had success finding our our niche within our own marriage,

548
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 1: Because realistically, no one can tell me how to treat

549
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 1: Cadein other than Cadein. No one can tell me what

550
00:28:56,720 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 1: Cadein wants and needs other than Codein. So why would

551
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 1: I even ask someone you understand what I'm saying? No,

552
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 1: I completely understand what you're saying. Allow me to play

553
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:10,320
Speaker 1: devil's advocate though, real quick. So we're talking about the

554
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 1: unavoidable negative influences that are family. What do you do

555
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 1: in the circumstance where you see a friend, a sibling, uh,

556
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 1: you know, a family member who may legitimately be in

557
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: a toxic relationship, or maybe talking to someone who you

558
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 1: can kind of foresee that this is a fun boy

559
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,480
Speaker 1: or funk girl, and you don't necessarily want them to

560
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 1: be with that family member. But the person may not

561
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: be as receptive to your advice, or they may think

562
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: that you're just hating on the relationship, or you're speaking

563
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: of a place of being jaded or tainted by your

564
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:50,920
Speaker 1: own So, like, how do we decipher when it's okay

565
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 1: to give that honest opinion? So here's here's the truth. Right,

566
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 1: It's always okay to give that honest opinion, solicited or unsolicited,

567
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: especially if you think it could be to someone's detriment. Right, So,

568
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 1: if you think someone could be hurt, it's always okay

569
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 1: to say this is what I see, But it's not

570
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:10,600
Speaker 1: okay to tell someone this is what you should do.

571
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, So offering up the advice

572
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 1: or the opinion or as my family would say, my spirit,

573
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 1: don't really take that that person there, you know, we've

574
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 1: always had that or to be like their energy something

575
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: about the energy. I don't know, but just be weird, right, right,

576
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: And the thing is, it's fine, But when when it's

577
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:30,280
Speaker 1: not fine is when that person crossed the line and

578
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 1: say you need to do this to that person or

579
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 1: you need to not do this with that person because

580
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,680
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm saying that that person who's looking

581
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,800
Speaker 1: also has a very limited perspective because they're not existing

582
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: within the relationship. So I'm not saying that what they

583
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,719
Speaker 1: see is not valid, but what they see is from

584
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 1: their perspective. They can give you their perspective, and you

585
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,880
Speaker 1: have the right to either receive it or not receive it.

586
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: But when someone starts telling you how you should behave

587
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 1: within your relationship, that's completely wrong because that person doesn't

588
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 1: even have enough information to tell you how to move

589
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 1: within your relationship. But they do have the right to

590
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: always tell you what they see because you may have

591
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: blinders on and may not be able to see what

592
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 1: that person sees. But that's why it's okay to take

593
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 1: someone's perspective, lock it, and say, let me think about this.

594
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,000
Speaker 1: But then I still have to speak to my partner

595
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,239
Speaker 1: about what I want, what I need, and find out

596
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: what he or she wants and needs, saying I completely

597
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:27,400
Speaker 1: get that, because I feel like, at least if you've

598
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: give an opinion and you're not necessarily making moves to

599
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: then break this couple up or something like that. If

600
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: it's just an opinion, that's okay, because I a story

601
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 1: came to mind that I can't probably can't tell it

602
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: because it'll just do too much. However, there's a there's

603
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,640
Speaker 1: somebody that I know who was in a relationship with

604
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 1: someone still to this day in the relationship. But said

605
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,080
Speaker 1: family member came along and was just like, mm hmm,

606
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:55,360
Speaker 1: I don't like that person for you. I don't think

607
00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: I should be together. And then they were like, well,

608
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: I'm in love. This is what it is. This person

609
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: gonna be around, That's what it is. Said person went

610
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 1: back and tried to literally like find ways to break

611
00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 1: them up, and then once those failed, and then once

612
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 1: the couple found out about these said person trying to

613
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,720
Speaker 1: break them up, she no longer wanted to have any

614
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: relationship with this person. And then it's a family member.

615
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,080
Speaker 1: So how do we then go on to make things,

616
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:29,440
Speaker 1: you know, continue to be just normal. You know, how

617
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 1: can it be normal from here on out? It can't be.

618
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 1: It can never be normal. It can never be normal.

619
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: But it's just the fact that someone was actually going

620
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: through like these drastic lengths to break up somebody relationship.

621
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 1: You know, But that happens me while I had no

622
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 1: relationship of their own. See, But but that happens often

623
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 1: because then it says, well, why why was the person

624
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: going to those extremes to do that? And then you

625
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:53,320
Speaker 1: just mentioned it, right, Misery loves company, and sometimes people

626
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 1: are are so blinded by their own misery that they're

627
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 1: not able to see that someone else is legitimately happy.

628
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: You're like, that's reality. I mean, if it's easy to

629
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: say that, that's all that should matter, but people don't

630
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: operate that way. Like if we existed in the utopia,

631
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,240
Speaker 1: where people just focused on what should really matter, we

632
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 1: would have no issues. But that's that's not the case,

633
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 1: you know, And and if we're being artists. Because the

634
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population,

635
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,960
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people in this world who are

636
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:33,800
Speaker 1: unhappy about their situation, seriously, and when people are unhappy,

637
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: it's hard for them to find happiness in other people's joy.

638
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 1: So it's just like, you know what, there's a lot

639
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 1: of like cynical people out there in the world, which

640
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,160
Speaker 1: is another reason why you can't trust your relationship in

641
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: the hands of other people. Like if we if we

642
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 1: really really think about it, if me and you are

643
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:58,600
Speaker 1: going to build a life together, the perfect life we want,

644
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 1: what point the didn't make to ask other people or

645
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 1: accept other or accept other people's advice or opinions about

646
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:09,320
Speaker 1: how you and I are going to build our life.

647
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:12,879
Speaker 1: We're the only ones that have to live it. They

648
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 1: can watch, but they really can't help. They can't. And

649
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,160
Speaker 1: when you start to use them as your barometer of

650
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:24,319
Speaker 1: our happiness, now you're in the place because you could

651
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 1: be perfectly happy, but it's like, let me see if

652
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,080
Speaker 1: other people are happy for me. And then when they

653
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: start to give their opinions about things, and then that

654
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: starts to weigh on you, and their projections start to

655
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: become your reality. Other people's got a bar. Other people's

656
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:44,799
Speaker 1: projections can never become your reality. That's the bar. I'm

657
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 1: gonna say it again. I'm gonna say other people's projections

658
00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 1: can never become your reality. And the minute you make

659
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:01,040
Speaker 1: their projections your reality, you're living in a fake space

660
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,680
Speaker 1: that you'll never be able to find happiness in because

661
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,040
Speaker 1: it's not real. It's just someone else's projection. Now you're

662
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,279
Speaker 1: trying to exist and make their projection your reality, you'll

663
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: never live up to that standard. Curated content at that point, y'all,

664
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:18,320
Speaker 1: exactly how does curated content do doesn't engage, but doesn't

665
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:25,360
Speaker 1: engage well, doesn't curated content doesn't engage. Well, that's the truth,

666
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: though it's truth. If you curate your life the people's life,

667
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:31,719
Speaker 1: it will never work. That's a fact. Your marriage is

668
00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:36,240
Speaker 1: only as strong as the influence you keep. That's pretty dope.

669
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 1: Peel and Johnson said that it's pretty dope. And what

670
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,320
Speaker 1: we do we tend to. If we wanted to seek

671
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:48,760
Speaker 1: advice or seek some sort of you know, counsel from someone,

672
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: then you have the select people who you know you

673
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,120
Speaker 1: can do that with. We have couples who have been

674
00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 1: married longer than us together still you know, have had

675
00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 1: of course their fair share of trials and tribulations, have

676
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,400
Speaker 1: raised chill, drin and all that, so you tend to.

677
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: My advice, too, would be to seek the council from

678
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 1: people who are living similarly to what you live or

679
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 1: you aspire to be like, because I'm not going to

680
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:14,640
Speaker 1: seek parenting advice from a person kids, you know, a

681
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,399
Speaker 1: vice versa. Whence the marriage and whatnot. But but it's

682
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,880
Speaker 1: also important to say that seeking council doesn't mean that

683
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,280
Speaker 1: you have to mimic their life, because ultimately that's the issue,

684
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: right people try to mimic other people's happiness or they

685
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 1: try to curate what they think is happiness, and if

686
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,080
Speaker 1: it's not real or if it doesn't work for you,

687
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 1: then you'll never find it. Then you start to feel

688
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:38,240
Speaker 1: more depressed. Right. Um, James and Shonda, they've been married.

689
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,880
Speaker 1: They've been married longer than us. They have three boys,

690
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 1: but at the time we met them, we had three boys.

691
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 1: You you've just gotten pregnant. Now we have four boys,

692
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 1: but two of their boys are college graduates, Division one

693
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: scholarship athletes. Right, so we have children who aspire to

694
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 1: be athletes. So when it comes to seeking advice, we're

695
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,959
Speaker 1: seeking counsel. I'm in the seek council from someone who

696
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 1: lived that life already. But even when I speak to James,

697
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:08,879
Speaker 1: James never says, bro, you gotta do it like this.

698
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:13,080
Speaker 1: He says to me, you have to find ways to

699
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:18,080
Speaker 1: communicate with your spouse or your sons so that you

700
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: can get the um result that you want. So when

701
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 1: he was talking to me, I'm like this, he's really

702
00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,960
Speaker 1: not giving me any answers. He's not giving me. He's

703
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,640
Speaker 1: look with it because you know your wife and your

704
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: son's best and you know how to communicate with them.

705
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: The best advice I always get from people is always

706
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:42,200
Speaker 1: people who are telling me find better ways to communicate

707
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 1: to why I can get the answers from the people

708
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:46,799
Speaker 1: who I'm trying to build a relationship with, whether it's

709
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 1: my wife or my sons. And I'm starting to realize, like,

710
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 1: none of these people who gave me these advice gave

711
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 1: it to me and told me do it like this,

712
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: because that's a controlling aspect too, right, When someone tells

713
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:00,120
Speaker 1: you to live this way, they want to control you.

714
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: But when someone's telling you to find ways to communicate

715
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,040
Speaker 1: so you can find the answer within, that's someone who

716
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 1: truly has your best interests at heart. You know who

717
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:12,120
Speaker 1: was good for that for me? Dolo. When I used

718
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,879
Speaker 1: to go in there and event about the issues we had,

719
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:16,919
Speaker 1: Dolo never ever said to me, now, bro, you gotta

720
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: move like this. He always pointed out the ways that

721
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 1: I might have messed up in our communication process. For example,

722
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 1: I say we were going over bills, and his first

723
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 1: thing would be like, well when you said it, devout,

724
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 1: how did you say it? Because he knows and he

725
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,279
Speaker 1: knows me, And he was just like, well, she's not

726
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 1: a child she's not a prototype mentee, she's not an employee.

727
00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:45,879
Speaker 1: So if you're speaking from a place of of being

728
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: condescending or authority, she's not going to receive it. Well,

729
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:53,719
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So you got to now

730
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,799
Speaker 1: depends on the scenario or the venue fact. But when

731
00:38:57,840 --> 00:38:59,440
Speaker 1: we're talking about five days as you ain't trying to

732
00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: hear that of that. But I was starting to understand.

733
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,839
Speaker 1: His advice was never like, well you need to give

734
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 1: her more bills. Well, you know what I'm saying. Appreciate that.

735
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,719
Speaker 1: I know you would appreciate that, but no, I trust me.

736
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,719
Speaker 1: Good advice versa goes the same for our friends that

737
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,680
Speaker 1: understand how you operate, and I do as well. Christina

738
00:39:18,719 --> 00:39:22,040
Speaker 1: knew we had on this season. Always gave good advice,

739
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: always give good advice. So we appreciate having our little

740
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 1: circle friends are a big circle of friends. They're a

741
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:31,040
Speaker 1: little bit big in our life. That makes sense. All right, y'all,

742
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 1: let's go pay some bills. I think that was a

743
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 1: good time, right, and then come back and we're gonna

744
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:37,920
Speaker 1: see what's going on with y'all this week in the

745
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:40,439
Speaker 1: listener letters. All right, so stick around, we'll be back

746
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,799
Speaker 1: all right, guys, we're back with listener letters. Yes, sir,

747
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:58,680
Speaker 1: ladies first today. Okay, all right, I'm gonna try my

748
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 1: best to keep this short. It's not thank you though.

749
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 1: We love it though. Okay. I'm a single mother. I'm

750
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,000
Speaker 1: twenty eight, soon to be twenty nine. Alio. I've been

751
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,879
Speaker 1: seeing this guy for about two years now. I've known

752
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,520
Speaker 1: him since high school. I've always had a thing for

753
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,319
Speaker 1: him since the day I saw him. It sounds like me.

754
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 1: Once we started seeing each other, things were great in

755
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 1: the first few weeks, then soon after everything changed. He

756
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:26,560
Speaker 1: started acting different, would ghost me for days, even weeks

757
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,600
Speaker 1: at a time, then come back like, hey, what you're doing.

758
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,000
Speaker 1: I've heard that people hate that what you do in

759
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,000
Speaker 1: text after not having a text for a long time. Okay,

760
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 1: so maybe I'm just naive or just blinded, But during

761
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,480
Speaker 1: all this time, I fell in love. I'm going to

762
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,399
Speaker 1: explain how. We spent some time together. And it's very

763
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:47,680
Speaker 1: few people that I connect with on so many levels.

764
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 1: So I'm really confused on how someone treats me like

765
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: I mean nothing, but he means so much to me

766
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:57,960
Speaker 1: when we're together, we have bound conversation, we've been out together,

767
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,000
Speaker 1: a few times. I used to love the late night

768
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,359
Speaker 1: car rides with music playing in the background. We would

769
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,040
Speaker 1: just park and talk. I made dinner for his man.

770
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: He's great with my son. Oh, I made dinner for

771
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 1: this man. So him, I thought make sure he was

772
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 1: making dinner for everybody. I made dinner for this man.

773
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:16,800
Speaker 1: He's great with my son and really a great person overall.

774
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,920
Speaker 1: He told me how he feels about me, but he

775
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:21,520
Speaker 1: sucks at showing it. I love the way he makes

776
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,400
Speaker 1: me feel when we're together. I feel like a woman.

777
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 1: I feel loved, secure, the way he holds me, the

778
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 1: way he looks at me. I feel I can be

779
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,560
Speaker 1: the best and worse with him. He motivates me. He

780
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 1: makes me want to reach for every single goal that

781
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,640
Speaker 1: I've set for myself. Oh, this is getting really muchy.

782
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:39,280
Speaker 1: I love it. I have so many insecurities about myself,

783
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,040
Speaker 1: and he tells me that I'm beautiful and he sees

784
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,439
Speaker 1: nothing wrong. At the same time, he makes me feel

785
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 1: like I'm nothing and mean nothing. So he says he

786
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 1: doesn't want a relationship right now. I told him I'd

787
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:52,600
Speaker 1: rather be your best friend and wait and just support

788
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:54,959
Speaker 1: him with his career. He's a rap artist and pretty

789
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:58,279
Speaker 1: well known in my city Tulsa, Oklahoma. Very handsome guy.

790
00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 1: And I know it's all the ends of women are

791
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:03,360
Speaker 1: after him. I really just want to know if something's

792
00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 1: worth working on or working towards. This is something to

793
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:14,040
Speaker 1: work towards. You're squinting, baby, Why you squinting? Um? It

794
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 1: just sounds like he doesn't want to settle down. Says

795
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:19,839
Speaker 1: he just doesn't want to settle down, and he's making

796
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,680
Speaker 1: you feel all the things that he may ghost you

797
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,239
Speaker 1: because it's a possibility that you might be making him

798
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:27,080
Speaker 1: feel all the things too, or he just may be

799
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 1: saying to himself, she's starting to feel a little bit

800
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,239
Speaker 1: more for me than I feel for her, So let

801
00:42:31,239 --> 00:42:34,280
Speaker 1: me ease up so that way I don't hurt her feelings.

802
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,600
Speaker 1: So I can appreciate that he's not being a douchebag

803
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: about the situation, but he's also not being upfront as

804
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:41,520
Speaker 1: being up fund he said he doesn't want a relationship,

805
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: and she may be one of many. Oh, he did

806
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 1: say that, Yes, he said he was up front with that.

807
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,120
Speaker 1: Yet and he right. He may be a great guy.

808
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 1: He may honestly be a really great guy and very supportive.

809
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,480
Speaker 1: And you're a great girl and knows you're a great girl.

810
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:57,920
Speaker 1: But if he doesn't want a relationship, he may have

811
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:00,879
Speaker 1: other women that when he's not spending time with you,

812
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,879
Speaker 1: he's spending time with them. And I think he could

813
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 1: be more forthcoming by saying, hey, we're not exclusive, so

814
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,520
Speaker 1: you know if there's someone else or not. But I

815
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 1: honestly feel like if he's ghosting you for days and

816
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:15,480
Speaker 1: weeks at a time, he's there's definitely other women are

817
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:19,520
Speaker 1: the people. So I feel like when people show you

818
00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 1: who they are the first time, you believe them. He's

819
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,400
Speaker 1: a great guy. He makes you feel all of the fields,

820
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: but he doesn't fully give you everything that you want

821
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 1: and need unless she's willing to commit to telling him

822
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,239
Speaker 1: everything he wants and needs and telling him which is

823
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:38,760
Speaker 1: gonna sound crazy, but ultimately giving him an ultimatum saying hey,

824
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 1: I want to exist in this space with you exclusively.

825
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 1: I don't like being ghosted. If he says, okay, cool,

826
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: let's do this, then you know what you're staying. If

827
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 1: he says now, I'm good, then you can go back to,

828
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:54,160
Speaker 1: like you said, being his best friend. Because you said

829
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:56,839
Speaker 1: you did like being friends, you can Guys can be

830
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:59,239
Speaker 1: friends and then keep it there. But right now it

831
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:01,839
Speaker 1: seems like they're both being mature adults. I don't get

832
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,960
Speaker 1: the ghosting thing. I know that that's a um that's

833
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,399
Speaker 1: like a date thing that happens with millennials and gen

834
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 1: zers now everyone talks about being ghosted, but um, I

835
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:14,480
Speaker 1: never got it. I think it's a part to do

836
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:17,400
Speaker 1: with the fact that we don't communicate well as a generation.

837
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 1: You know, people text, text, don't text, don't call text messages. Sorry, y'all,

838
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:27,439
Speaker 1: no love loss, But it do be like that. And

839
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:29,560
Speaker 1: and she I think she needs to be a friend

840
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,000
Speaker 1: about it exactly what she wants. Tell him you don't

841
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 1: like being ghosted. Tell him you want to be exclusive

842
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,000
Speaker 1: and you wanted to be some consistency and communication. See

843
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:38,879
Speaker 1: what he says. If he says, I'm with it, let's

844
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 1: try it. Give him grace as he tries, give yourself

845
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 1: grace as you learn each other. But if he says

846
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:46,719
Speaker 1: that he doesn't want to do that, you gotta be

847
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:54,040
Speaker 1: willing to say, hey, I love that sounds good. Number two,

848
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,840
Speaker 1: Hi Condeinian Devote. My husband and I are big fans

849
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:59,719
Speaker 1: of your show. Thank you so much, Thank you for

850
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:02,320
Speaker 1: is being so real and transparent and letting your life shine.

851
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:05,120
Speaker 1: We appreciate you, um. I really enjoy listening to you

852
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,920
Speaker 1: both talk about being married and how you redefine what

853
00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:10,400
Speaker 1: marriage looks like for you. You two our goals. We

854
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:13,360
Speaker 1: appreciate that. As my husband and I are vastly approaching

855
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,440
Speaker 1: one year of being married, I feel as if I

856
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,959
Speaker 1: haven't been able to fully enjoy this beautiful blessing because

857
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 1: I feel guilty for slipping away from my family and friends.

858
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 1: Family has always been extremely important to me. That was

859
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:26,239
Speaker 1: instilled in me as a young girl to never put

860
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,880
Speaker 1: anyone or anything before your blood. I feel guilty at

861
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 1: times for my happiness and moving different now than I'm married,

862
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,080
Speaker 1: and I don't want this feeling to affect my marriage

863
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,600
Speaker 1: moving forward. My husband has been very supportive and patient

864
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 1: with me as I did with my emotions. I need

865
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:42,880
Speaker 1: your help. How did you overcome any feelings of leaving

866
00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:45,640
Speaker 1: the families you know to create a family with each other.

867
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:47,759
Speaker 1: I look forward to seeing y'all live one day. We

868
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,360
Speaker 1: will definitely be live soon at Nashville as a stop.

869
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,319
Speaker 1: Much love and blessings to you. I'm gonna let you

870
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:56,040
Speaker 1: take this one because you and your brother and your

871
00:45:56,040 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 1: sister are mad close wow, close out clothes. You became

872
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:05,600
Speaker 1: my wife and there had to be not a separation

873
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:07,839
Speaker 1: but an understanding. So talk a little bit about how

874
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:11,759
Speaker 1: you so. The great thing about this, which I which

875
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:13,880
Speaker 1: I was waiting forward to see if she would say

876
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 1: in this, is that she said her husband was very

877
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 1: supportive and patient with her as she dealt with these emotions.

878
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:21,719
Speaker 1: I think I can say the same for you, and

879
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:26,120
Speaker 1: that you understand how important my family, particularly that my

880
00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,520
Speaker 1: brother and sister there are to me. So you've always

881
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: made provisions to say, Okay, you miss your brother, you

882
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:34,160
Speaker 1: want him to come live with us for a little bit.

883
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 1: My brother lived with us in Michigan when he was

884
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:38,840
Speaker 1: in the in the middle of transferring schools for four months.

885
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 1: Right now we're here in this house. I pop up

886
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:45,040
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, Zakaria is coming to town tomorrow.

887
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:47,360
Speaker 1: You never beat and I because at this point Zakari

888
00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:50,440
Speaker 1: is like your sister. She's literally like your baby sister.

889
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 1: So having the support of a spouse that allows you

890
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,879
Speaker 1: to still love on your family as needed, I think

891
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:01,160
Speaker 1: is something that's paramount and it's very very important. But

892
00:47:01,320 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 1: sis is you and your husband talk about it. It's

893
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:08,360
Speaker 1: you and your husband when you get married. What is

894
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:11,880
Speaker 1: the saying, oh, woman leaves, a man leaves and leaves

895
00:47:11,920 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 1: to his woman Bible. Not when the man finds a

896
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,120
Speaker 1: wife of them to create a family and that becomes

897
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,440
Speaker 1: that becomes your family, so that in turn is your family.

898
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:28,280
Speaker 1: And I don't think according to this that your family

899
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:31,240
Speaker 1: is necessarily making you feel a way about having your husband,

900
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:33,919
Speaker 1: because it seems like according to this, because she hasn't

901
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:36,200
Speaker 1: mentioned it, that your family may be okay with it.

902
00:47:36,239 --> 00:47:38,520
Speaker 1: In your family, I'm sure understands that you are now

903
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 1: someone's whole last wife, and you guys are going to

904
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:43,680
Speaker 1: be building a relationship together and then your own family,

905
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:46,680
Speaker 1: your own nuclear or family if you decide to have children.

906
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:51,320
Speaker 1: So let me ask this question. For her to feel guilt,

907
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 1: that guilt has to be coming from somewhere. Guilt doesn't

908
00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:58,400
Speaker 1: just come out of nowhere. I mean, yes, to know

909
00:47:58,480 --> 00:48:01,359
Speaker 1: because I think about, for example, mom guilt. My kids

910
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:04,239
Speaker 1: don't necessarily say to me, Mommy, you're not doing X

911
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,359
Speaker 1: y Z for me to feel mom guilt. It could

912
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:08,359
Speaker 1: just be me feeling guilt in myself because of how

913
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:10,959
Speaker 1: I want to move. But what happens, though, when you leave,

914
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:15,520
Speaker 1: the baby cries, that's how you get guilt. Mom guilt

915
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: comes from a reaction to something happening that's traumatic to

916
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:21,640
Speaker 1: you that you don't like to see. Right, Sometimes people

917
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:24,840
Speaker 1: don't typically get guilty when everything is going well. People

918
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,799
Speaker 1: typically get guilty when something is not going as planned. Yes,

919
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: maybe mom guilt is not the right analogy, because I

920
00:48:31,719 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 1: can tend to be like I know, for example, if

921
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:35,239
Speaker 1: I walk away from the quota, he's gonna be fine,

922
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,160
Speaker 1: he's gonna be happy, he's gonna smile on my way out.

923
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:39,759
Speaker 1: But I still may feel bad about going away for

924
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:42,919
Speaker 1: a weekend, for example, and leaving him behind. Recently felt

925
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:44,160
Speaker 1: that when we went to New York, you know what

926
00:48:44,239 --> 00:48:46,720
Speaker 1: I mean? What was? What was? What caused that feeling?

927
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:49,280
Speaker 1: It's just me wanting to be there and me feeling

928
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:50,920
Speaker 1: like I should have brought him along with us, just

929
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,320
Speaker 1: because it would have made me feel better about the situation.

930
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: It could be that, but you're right, if you're gonna

931
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:59,239
Speaker 1: play devil's advocate, it could be somewhere someone's making so

932
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: if someone giving underhanded, like oh so we don't see

933
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 1: you anymore, Miss White. One of those things because that happens.

934
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,680
Speaker 1: A lot that does happen. No, No No, I'm absolutely happy

935
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:09,200
Speaker 1: you don't have but you do not miss my friend.

936
00:49:09,239 --> 00:49:10,520
Speaker 1: I used to see my friend. Now you don't come

937
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 1: out with us no more. Or you show up at

938
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,320
Speaker 1: the door one day and it's like, look who the

939
00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:16,960
Speaker 1: wind blue is. Yeah, I haven't seen you since. Let

940
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:19,160
Speaker 1: me scroll the calendar back like one of those things

941
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,319
Speaker 1: like that happen a lot that can be possible to

942
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:23,439
Speaker 1: And shame on them for making you feel that way

943
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:26,280
Speaker 1: if that's the case. Um, but I think you should

944
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:29,000
Speaker 1: if anything like you are getting the support you need

945
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,319
Speaker 1: from your husband, see how you can schedule in those

946
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:33,080
Speaker 1: days with family. You know what I mean if it

947
00:49:33,120 --> 00:49:34,840
Speaker 1: means that much to you, I don't know if it

948
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:36,879
Speaker 1: means you going to them more them coming to you.

949
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:38,799
Speaker 1: You guys going out and doing things. I don't think

950
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:41,880
Speaker 1: family needs to be forfeited once you get married, especially

951
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,960
Speaker 1: for something you love and enjoy before. It doesn't need

952
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:45,840
Speaker 1: to be forfeited, but it needs to be an understanding

953
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:48,719
Speaker 1: that I'm going to consult with my life partner, not

954
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 1: absolutely you know before anything. You know, and it's it's

955
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,719
Speaker 1: not checking in, it's not being submissive. It's not being

956
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:59,239
Speaker 1: a simple it's understanding that if two people agreed to

957
00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 1: be partners in life, that person may need to be

958
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 1: involved in the decisions I make. You know what. That's

959
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And what happens is other people aren't

960
00:50:09,120 --> 00:50:12,000
Speaker 1: used to you making those provisions. If you've become a spouse, right,

961
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 1: and it typically starts when you become someone's boyfriend and girlfriend, right,

962
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:17,920
Speaker 1: it becomes the checking in. Let me check in and

963
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:21,520
Speaker 1: see if people are yeah, you know, so it's like

964
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,960
Speaker 1: your friends, you know we're gonna go here. Let me

965
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:25,799
Speaker 1: let me hit up someone like what are you hitting

966
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:29,000
Speaker 1: them out for? You gotta ask for permission. Typically those

967
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: friends are not in relationships, so they don't understand what

968
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:33,040
Speaker 1: that means. And you know what I'm saying, And it's

969
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,680
Speaker 1: not a permission thing. It's a common decency thing, especially

970
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,240
Speaker 1: if you live with somebody like absolutely, you know someone's

971
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:40,120
Speaker 1: gonna be out late and you you're gonna be locking

972
00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:41,880
Speaker 1: the door, putting the alarm on. Let me know that

973
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 1: you're coming in this house laid, so I don't shoot

974
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:45,319
Speaker 1: your ass, like just little things like that, or it's

975
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:47,919
Speaker 1: like you my black man husband, that might be out

976
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,520
Speaker 1: with friends or castmates or whatever. At the end of

977
00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:52,439
Speaker 1: the night, and I need to know that you're gonna

978
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 1: be coming home safe and sound. So if you're gonna

979
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:55,839
Speaker 1: be making another stop, or you're gonna be running late,

980
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:57,719
Speaker 1: or you're home, I want to know to look out

981
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:00,800
Speaker 1: for you. So it's a simple, common decence, you think, absolutely,

982
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 1: but it is also a controlled thing when your friends

983
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:08,919
Speaker 1: I want to have control over your life and say that.

984
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:11,440
Speaker 1: You know, that's a control thing. Oh you gotta ask him,

985
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,880
Speaker 1: Oh just come, just come. They're trying to control you,

986
00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 1: to get you to make a decision without doing this.

987
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 1: A lot of friends do that, and that creates guilt

988
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:20,480
Speaker 1: within people, like damn, I used to be able to

989
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:23,279
Speaker 1: just go on my own, but now you know, say,

990
00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:26,240
Speaker 1: am I doing too much? Am I moving too fast?

991
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:29,839
Speaker 1: Should right there? And that's you know, sometimes friends and

992
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:33,400
Speaker 1: family can I don't want to say accidentally, but you know,

993
00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:37,960
Speaker 1: unknowingly create guilt in a person by making those comments.

994
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 1: Remember we talked about the back handy compliments people make

995
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 1: when you start to ascend or what's up, Hollywood, Oh

996
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:46,839
Speaker 1: it must must be nice to be you, you know, say,

997
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:50,799
Speaker 1: oh you wild lucky. Those same comments to create, you know,

998
00:51:50,880 --> 00:51:54,760
Speaker 1: guilt within people. We talked about survivors remorse. This creates

999
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:57,360
Speaker 1: a sort of guilt within people who are now in relationship,

1000
00:51:57,440 --> 00:51:59,880
Speaker 1: like damn, am I am I moving differently in my

1001
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:03,239
Speaker 1: forgetting about my family. No, you're not moving and forgetting.

1002
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:05,799
Speaker 1: You're moving the way you're supposed to. If you want

1003
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:08,719
Speaker 1: to build a life and a partnership with someone, that's

1004
00:52:08,719 --> 00:52:11,960
Speaker 1: a fact. So there you go. Good luck to you all.

1005
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:15,640
Speaker 1: All right, um, if you want to be featured in

1006
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: our listener letters segments, go ahead and submit an email.

1007
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 1: It's like the lottery. You know, we might pick you,

1008
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:23,760
Speaker 1: we might not, but send it anyway. I'm just kidding.

1009
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 1: Send all the emails because we enjoy the love. We

1010
00:52:26,640 --> 00:52:29,640
Speaker 1: love reading everything. Email us at dead as Advice at

1011
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:32,840
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S

1012
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:37,239
Speaker 1: s A d V I c E because Cane says,

1013
00:52:37,239 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 1: I always forget to eat, even though I think my

1014
00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:42,319
Speaker 1: c rolls and together, because I don't forget to eat,

1015
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,200
Speaker 1: because it would because if I didn't say to eat,

1016
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:47,160
Speaker 1: be dead ascid, vict, and I can't. I can't have

1017
00:52:47,239 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: you go to dead acid Vict because we want to

1018
00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:53,799
Speaker 1: get there. It's gonna be like usps mail, ain't never

1019
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 1: gonna get here, y'all. You're never gonna get here, So

1020
00:52:56,480 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 1: that's dead. As advice at gmail dot com. What's truth

1021
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:02,919
Speaker 1: moments have we pulled from today's episode. We went over

1022
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:06,480
Speaker 1: all the things we talked about, those negative hidden influences,

1023
00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:11,840
Speaker 1: share your coded goodness, the innocence comparison game, the desensitizer,

1024
00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 1: the unavoidable negative influences. Anything speak to you in that

1025
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:18,279
Speaker 1: moment of truth time that we have. Yes, my moment

1026
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:22,000
Speaker 1: of truth is very simple. Curating your relationship to other

1027
00:53:22,040 --> 00:53:26,279
Speaker 1: people's projections will create a false reality for you and

1028
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 1: your partner period like that. That's just That's just said.

1029
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:34,640
Speaker 1: You cannot curate your relationship to anyone else's projections or

1030
00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:40,560
Speaker 1: expectations because you will always fail at trying to meet

1031
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: someone else's expectations. The only person you should curate this

1032
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:48,400
Speaker 1: relationship with is the person you are in the relationship with.

1033
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:51,480
Speaker 1: The dead ass. I love that. I love that. UM.

1034
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 1: I think for me that I definitely UM agree with

1035
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:56,359
Speaker 1: what you said. UM. I think I'm going to talk

1036
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,680
Speaker 1: about from my moment of truth, just the importance of

1037
00:53:58,719 --> 00:54:02,839
Speaker 1: creating boundaries, UM for yourself, sometimes for people around you,

1038
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:07,360
Speaker 1: um not people not allowing people to have the comfort

1039
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:10,280
Speaker 1: level that they feel sometimes to be able to project

1040
00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:13,359
Speaker 1: on your relationship. It could be that friend who has

1041
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:15,560
Speaker 1: been with you, you know, ride to die for years

1042
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:19,160
Speaker 1: and you feel like knows. You best be very deliberate

1043
00:54:19,200 --> 00:54:22,680
Speaker 1: about the boundaries that you set for people penetrating your

1044
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 1: psyche to say, you know what, They may have my

1045
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:28,880
Speaker 1: best interests at heart, or they may just not be

1046
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:32,200
Speaker 1: equipped to advise me in this moment, so I need

1047
00:54:32,239 --> 00:54:34,960
Speaker 1: to turn to my spouse or my significant other and

1048
00:54:35,000 --> 00:54:38,800
Speaker 1: really address them directly. My friend can be the sounding board.

1049
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,719
Speaker 1: My friend can be that source of venting. You know,

1050
00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:44,040
Speaker 1: you just have to sometimes get it out, but not

1051
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:47,000
Speaker 1: relying solely on what they say as bible for you.

1052
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 1: Oh God, no one else has to understand your relationship

1053
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,440
Speaker 1: for it to be perfect to you. That is important.

1054
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:00,000
Speaker 1: That's a good one. The whole world could not understand

1055
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:02,719
Speaker 1: in your relationship. But if you and your partner are

1056
00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:06,520
Speaker 1: in bliss buck everybody else look at the moment of

1057
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:09,799
Speaker 1: truth having a whole drop down. Men, you y'all a dropdown?

1058
00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:11,640
Speaker 1: Add that to it. It's not just one, it's not

1059
00:55:11,719 --> 00:55:14,719
Speaker 1: just two. We got a lot serious, okay, serious, All

1060
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:18,560
Speaker 1: right now, I love it alright, y'all. Well, that was

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00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:22,520
Speaker 1: a nice little chat that we had here. Yes, ma'am,

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00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:25,319
Speaker 1: I think y'all should follow us on social media. Um,

1063
00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:27,600
Speaker 1: that's a good thing to do. I mean, even though

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00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:29,480
Speaker 1: we talked about social media and boundaries. We hope that

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00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 1: you don't have to block us one day because we

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00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,960
Speaker 1: love to have y'all so dead ask the podcast is

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00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:36,480
Speaker 1: our podcast page? Where were post clips and video and

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00:55:36,520 --> 00:55:39,000
Speaker 1: all that good stuff that our team works super super

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00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:42,680
Speaker 1: hard on. So shout out to our team, Josh Pack Trible,

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00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:45,719
Speaker 1: and you can find me at Cadena. I am and

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00:55:45,760 --> 00:55:48,200
Speaker 1: I am devout And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

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00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:54,960
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead dead Ass

1073
00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:57,520
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and

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00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,680
Speaker 1: is produced by the Nora, Pinia and Trible. Follow the

1075
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,480
Speaker 1: podcast on social media at dead as the podcasts and

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00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:04,319
Speaker 1: never miss a thing.