WEBVTT - 3 Ways Love Affects the Brain & 3 Steps for Healthy Relationships 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:01.720 So what do we do in that situation? When you're 0:00:01.760 --> 0:00:05.640 feeling lusty? It is natural. It is a desire for 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:08.720 sexual gratification. That's what it is. And to see as 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:12.200 that clearly and not change the language to someone else 0:00:12.360 --> 0:00:15.319 or to ourselves. Now, if you're in a relationship and 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:17.560 you're experiencing this for someone else, what do you do 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.680 in that situation? You have to realize it can be 0:00:20.720 --> 0:00:24.000 common and that every time you feel it, it doesn't 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:25.960 mean you need to act on it. At the same time, 0:00:26.040 --> 0:00:27.840 you don't want to suppress it, So what do you 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:37.599 do about it? Hey? Everyone, welcome back to un Purpose, 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.360 the number one health podcast in the world, helping you 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:46.199 become happier, healthier and more healed. How many of you 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:48.400 know that that's what you're looking for in your life. 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:52.240 You're looking for health, happiness, and healing. You're in exactly 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:54.840 the right place. And I want to thank you all 0:00:54.960 --> 0:01:01.040 because it has been phenomenal to see the number of 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:04.160 downloads is growing month upon month upon month. I know 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:06.800 so many of you are recommending the podcast to your friends. 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:09.720 I see hundreds of thousands of you sharing it in 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:14.520 your stories every week, and it's been truly heart touching 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:18.040 for me because when I started this three and a 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:21.240 half years ago, I had no idea where it was 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:25.560 going to go. And whether you started listening three episodes ago, 0:01:25.800 --> 0:01:29.520 three months ago, or three years ago, you have been 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:34.960 a huge part of making mental health mainstream, about making 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:40.200 these conversations and these topics be a part of everyday 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:43.880 life so that we can positively improve and impact the 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:46.360 lives of other people. And so thank you so much 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:48.559 for being a part of that. It means the world 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:51.760 to me. I can't wait because my new books out 0:01:51.760 --> 0:01:54.559 next year, thirty fist of January, Eight Rules of Love. 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:57.080 If you haven't ordered it already, you can grab it 0:01:57.160 --> 0:01:59.920 at eight Rules of Love dot com. And I'll become 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:02.920 on tour as well, So if you preorder it, you'll 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:05.680 get access to my tour dates as soon as they're announced. 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:09.160 And today's topic is about love and relationships. I think 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:12.360 I've been recording a lot on this theme for the 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:16.160 last year because it's been front and center for me, 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:20.639 my clients, and my community. And it's amazing because it's 0:02:20.639 --> 0:02:23.240 an area of our life that can bring us the 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:27.880 greatest joy or cause us the greatest pain. And I 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:32.240 think we often think about how relationships impact our heart. 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:37.200 We think about the emotions of love and joy and 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:42.720 fulfillment as heart based feelings. We talk about having our 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:48.079 heart broken or our heart one. We talk about how 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:52.400 something feels in our chest. We talk about our hearts 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:57.400 skipping a beat or losing our breath when someone takes 0:02:57.400 --> 0:03:01.000 your breath away. It's all related to that area of 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:06.160 our lives. We also often unconsciously talk about our gut, 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:09.080 like I feel nervous, I feel butterflies right, These are 0:03:09.080 --> 0:03:14.000 all gut based feelings in relationships. Or we say I 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:16.080 know he's not right from me, I feel it in 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:19.680 my gut, or what does your gut say? And so 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:22.480 a lot of our language, a lot of our vocabulary, 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:26.760 a lot of our thoughts around love and relationships are 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:31.040 based around the heart and the gut. And we often 0:03:31.120 --> 0:03:33.840 say things like, well, make sure you're head screwed on straight, 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:37.160 you know, does that make sense in your head? Take 0:03:37.200 --> 0:03:40.960 your head with your heart. But we often don't realize 0:03:41.840 --> 0:03:47.440 that love, relationships and the aspects included in it actually 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:53.160 affect the brain. The brain is interacting with these different emotions, 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:58.640 different feelings, different ideas, and the brain is impacted and 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:03.840 shows chemical changes, chemical balances, imbalances, and I think that 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:07.920 for all of us to understand love deeper in our lives, 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:13.040 for us to understand what we're really experiencing. Like how 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:18.039 many times have you ever felt like someone loves you 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:23.280 only to realize they weren't in love with you? Right, 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:25.200 I'm sure you've had that experience, or you have a 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:27.840 friend that's had that experience, or how many of you 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:30.839 have ever had the experience where you feel you love 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:34.520 someone but then you realize you didn't really love them, 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:38.440 it was something else. And loves this big word that 0:04:38.560 --> 0:04:45.320 gets thrown around, talked about, overpopularized, oversubscribed to, only for 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:49.119 us to not know what it actually means. Studies show 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:53.560 that men often think about expressing feelings of love first, 0:04:53.880 --> 0:04:57.120 and on average, it takes them ninety seven point three 0:04:57.240 --> 0:05:01.360 days to consider saying I love you, while women take 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.640 around one hundred and thirty eight days to say it. 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:10.200 And men consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month, 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:14.080 whereas women think about it after two to three months. 0:05:14.120 --> 0:05:16.279 So we realize that a lot of us are quite 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:19.680 good at falling in love too fast. And that's why 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.039 I like looking at the brain's perspective because if I 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.160 ask you why did you feel? What were you going through? 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:28.520 How did you know? It can be quite subjective, but 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:32.000 the way these different feelings of love show up in 0:05:32.040 --> 0:05:35.440 the brain are actually really interesting. So there are three 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:39.960 ways love shows up in the brain, or feelings of 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:44.000 love show up in the brain, and they are lost, attraction, 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:50.400 and attachment. Now, I think we can all relate to these, right, 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:54.240 we've all experienced lost, or at least we know what 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:56.440 that looks like and what that feels like, and we'll 0:05:56.440 --> 0:05:59.320 talk a bit about that in a moment. The second 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:02.520 is a track, it's a deeper sense of lust, it's 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:05.680 maybe a longer sense of lust, it's a time frame 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:11.920 that changes that conversation. And the third is attachment. So 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:19.279 when we're experiencing lust, testosterone and estrogen are the most 0:06:19.320 --> 0:06:25.960 active chemicals. With attraction, it's dopamine, nora pernepherin, and serotonin, 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:32.479 and for attachment it's oxytocin and vasopressin. So we realize 0:06:32.880 --> 0:06:38.440 that what we group together or often lump together as love, infatuation, attraction, 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.640 or maybe you are good at knowing the difference. I 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:44.000 think it's very hard to know the difference in the moment, 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:47.839 And I'm taking this from a Harvard Business School RESET study. 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:51.080 In two thousand and five, Fisher led a RESETS team 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:55.200 that published a groundbreaking study that included the first functional 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:59.800 MRI fMRI images of the brains of individuals who are 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:03.480 experiencing romantic love. They looked at about two thousand, five 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.600 hundred brain scans, and what they did is that they 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:12.080 showed them pictures of acquaintances, and they showed them pictures 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:16.000 of people they were romantically involved in, and they wanted 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:19.560 to see what happened. And they found that when people 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:22.440 were shown pictures of people they were romantically involved in, 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:26.920 the brains became more active in regions rich with dopamine, 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:31.119 the so called feel good neurotransmitter. And what they found 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.960 is when we're falling in love, there were a few 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:37.760 things that happened. Our physical body reacts. We have racing hearts, 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:42.280 sweaty palms, flush cheeks, feelings of passion, and even anxiety 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:46.960 and levels of the stress hormone cortisol increases during the 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:52.480 initial phase of romantic love, and it almost makes your 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:54.800 body feel like it has to cope with a state 0:07:54.840 --> 0:07:57.280 of crisis. If you've ever felt like when I need 0:07:57.280 --> 0:07:58.960 to message them, When are they going to message me? 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:00.360 When am I going to see them? What am I 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:02.840 going to wear? It's almost like a heightened sense of 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:06.720 stress that we're experiencing in pressure, and we see that 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:10.480 stress and pressure as excitement, and we may also see 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:13.120 it as stressful. It's interesting, isn't it, because we may 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:15.640 also experience that with different things in our life when 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:17.680 we're about to do something exciting, when we're about to 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:21.240 do something big, but we often see it as negative. Now, 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:25.280 what happens is as the quarters old levels rise, Schwartz 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:30.720 says that the serotonin becomes depleted, and those low levels 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:36.520 of serotonin is what sparks. What Schwartz says are the intrusive, 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:41.800 maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love, like the 0:08:41.880 --> 0:08:46.199 infatuation that's gained with that. Why is this important to us? 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:49.920 It's important because we need to know the difference between 0:08:50.000 --> 0:08:59.360 last attraction and attachment, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What do 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:03.400 all of these have in common? A lack of perceived 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:08.720 control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what if 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:11.640 I told you fixing all of these problems is as 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:16.520 simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know not 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:20.960 simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we could 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:23.800 all use more calm in our lives, and learning to 0:09:23.840 --> 0:09:28.120 stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice. That's 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:31.280 why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring you 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:34.120 the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate with 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:37.160 me and take back control over your busy mind, join 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.800 me on the car map for the Daily J, a 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:43.280 daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:47.760 the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life, 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:51.400 and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:54.120 to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:56.960 going to Calm dot com forward slash J to get 0:09:57.000 --> 0:10:00.520 forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's own forty 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:04.200 two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:09.480 Experience the Daily jy only on Calm Now. Lust, as 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:12.640 I talked about before, stimulates the production of sex hormones 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:17.559 testosterone and estrogen from the testes and ovaries, and we 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:21.920 often mistake that for love or deeper attraction, but the 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:25.640 brain science shows that it's actually different. Now for anyone 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:28.120 who's experienced lust before. I mean, lust is what makes 0:10:28.200 --> 0:10:33.280 us cheat. Lust is what makes us sometimes do regrettable things. 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:38.160 Lust is also what makes us love bomb, makes us 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:41.600 make someone feel like we are deeply into them, and 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.480 then the next day forget about them. And so lust 0:10:44.760 --> 0:10:48.800 decision making is often unhealthy. And I find that we've 0:10:48.800 --> 0:10:52.760 created a society where lust is somewhat glorified. Lust is 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:56.040 seen as you know, some people see last obviously religiously 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:58.400 as a negative thing. But we think of that spark, 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:00.199 and we think of that stress, and we think of 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:03.400 that pressure as all positive. And while it can be 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:07.000 a sign or an indicator or a signal in the 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:11.120 right direction, it is not a sign of love. And 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.320 I think when you're on the receiving end of that, 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.840 when you're on the receiving end of someone obsessing about 0:11:16.880 --> 0:11:18.920 you and being really into you, it can be a 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:23.560 really captivating feeling, like it can be really intoxicating as 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:27.240 a feeling when someone's lusting after you. But it's important 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:30.760 for you to realize that that's not the stabilizer of 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.520 a relationship. That's not what makes a relationship sustainable. It's 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:38.400 not what makes a good quality relationship last, and so 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.679 it's just something to think about. Now, if you're someone 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:44.760 who feels like you get attracted to a lust after 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:48.240 someone every single week, every single month, and maybe you're 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:50.760 in a committed relationship. I want to get to an 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:55.760 uncomfortable conversation here about how so many people who are 0:11:55.800 --> 0:12:00.319 in committed, loving relationships can still experience lust for someone else. 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:05.520 And when they do, usually they do two things. They 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:09.400 act on it or they suppress it. And in that moment, 0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:12.080 the acting on it, of course, makes you feel guilty, 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:14.360 It makes you feel shameful, makes you feel regret, and 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.959 maybe you even do it in secret, so you're scared 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.880 of being found out and we see that happen, or 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:24.319 someone suppresses it, they pretend it doesn't exist, they act 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:28.480 like it's not real. They don't tell their partner about it, 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:30.640 or don't talk about it openly because they're scared of 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:37.880 feeling judged. And that suppression usually leads to something insurmountable 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:40.920 in the future when it all erupts. So what do 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:44.079 we do in that situation when you're feeling lusty, when 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.319 you're going through that triggered response, how do you want 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:49.320 it to that? I think the first thing we have 0:12:49.360 --> 0:12:52.800 to realize is that it is natural. It is a 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:56.080 desire for sexual gratification. That's what it is. And to 0:12:56.240 --> 0:12:59.679 see as that clearly and not change the language to 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:03.400 someone else or to ourselves, to not kid ourselves that 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:07.120 it's something deeper or more meaningful, and to convey that 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:09.560 to someone else, because we may end up misleading them 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:11.840 as well. I think that's a really healthy way of 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:14.679 thinking about it. Now, if you're in a relationship and 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:16.960 you're experiencing this for someone else, what do you do 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:19.800 in that situation? I think one of the first things 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:23.679 is you have to realize that it can be common 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:27.079 and that every time you feel it, it doesn't mean 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.280 you need to act on it. At the same time, 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:31.560 you don't want to suppress it, So what do you 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:34.160 do about it? Well, one of the things you need 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:36.640 to do is come up with an internal dialogue to 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:39.840 coach yourself through it. You have to think about what's 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.439 really special about what you have. You have to think 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.760 about what's important about what you've built. You've got to 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:48.840 reconnect with that feeling you probably had about the person 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:52.040 you're with right now and it naturally wore off. And 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:55.320 here's the thing, So what changed is that the stress 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:59.200 hormone actually decreased as time went on. So in the 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:02.560 beginning you're experiencing the high stress. As you get to 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:07.800 know someone, your stress decreases because being with them reduces 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.600 your stress. Now, sometimes we see that as a sign 0:14:10.600 --> 0:14:13.320 of the sparks gone. We see that as a sign 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:18.160 of we've lost what we had. No, you haven't. You've 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:21.720 actually gained something. Their company makes you feel calm. That 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:25.040 company makes you feel peaceful. That relationship is giving you 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:28.920 the benefits of a deeper relationship. But we got so 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.240 used to identifying that stress of what do I wear 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:34.280 around them? How do I feel about them? Do we 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:36.520 get along? Where should we go? What should we do? 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:39.640 We saw that as love, when actually it was just 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:43.240 lust that was going to evolve if we allowed it to. 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:48.560 So where do we go from here? We're experiencing last 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:55.000 attraction attachment. When we talk about attraction, high levels of 0:14:55.080 --> 0:15:00.360 dopamine and a related hormone, neuropephrin, are released during a action. 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:05.960 These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric, even leading 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:09.680 to decreased appetite and insomnia, which means you can actually 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:12.280 be so in love that you can't eat and sleep. 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:16.520 You notice how these physical descriptions of love actually come 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:20.000 from what is chemically happening. And so when people are 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:22.400 going through this, often we're like, oh, yeah, you're just attracted. 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:25.520 You're just infatuated, which is true, but it is a 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:29.280 chemical reaction. And when we know this in and of ourselves, 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:32.160 we can learn to say, okay, well I should eat, 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:35.840 I should sleep. I may feel like I can't, but 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:37.720 I have to think about my health and well being 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:41.000 during this time as well. And attraction seems to lead 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.680 to a reduction in serotonin, or hormone that's known to 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:48.720 be involved in appetite and mood. Interestingly, study show people 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:52.880 who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder also have low levels 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:56.640 of serotonin, leading scientists to speculate that this is what 0:15:56.800 --> 0:16:03.600 underlies the overpowering infatuation that characterizes the beginning stages of love. So, 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:05.960 notice how the beginning stages of love are like this 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:10.160 giddy and ergetic, euphoric. This then calms down as I 0:16:10.200 --> 0:16:14.000 was talking about earlier, but then we want that feeling again. 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:17.240 It's almost like a drug, right, There's almost an addictive 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:20.680 nature to it, and a lot of the science shows 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:24.280 that love is addictive, so some research goes on to 0:16:24.320 --> 0:16:27.720 suggest that falling in love is an obsession, and the 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:31.040 research says that while you're wild about someone, your serotonin 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:34.120 levels go down, which is the same trend typically found 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:37.920 in people with obsessive compulsive disorder. It's also true that 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:40.160 a brain in love is very similar to a brain 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:44.119 in throes of addiction. Further, brain imaging studies show activity 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:47.440 in the nuclear circumbents, a region of the brain that 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.680 lights up when someone is addicted to a substance like 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:54.960 cocaine or a behavior like gambling. Again, the love bombing 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:58.480 aspect the aspect of someone being addicted to you and 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.760 then being distant from you. The idea of feeling addicted 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:03.880 to someone that you need to see them every day, 0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:05.720 that you want to see them everywhere day, that you 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:08.159 want to be with them every day, And this is 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.080 something we have to monitor. It's something we have to 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:14.520 be aware of. It's something that we don't just let 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:18.920 it take over again and again and again, because the 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:22.120 idea that we're addicted to someone can be extremely painful 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.080 when that someone is no longer around, no longer with us, 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:28.680 no longer in our vicinity. Maybe out of reach. What 0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:33.960 I'm suggesting you do is understand the chemical imbalances that 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:37.160 are going on here, because when we don't understand these, 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.280 we think it's all real. And I'm not saying it's 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:43.159 not real. It is, but it's short lived, it's temporary, 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:47.080 it's ephemeral. Last, but not least is attachment, which is 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:50.840 the predominant factor in long term relationships. So while last 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:54.760 and attraction are pretty much exclusive to romantic relationships, attachment 0:17:54.960 --> 0:18:00.280 mediates friendships, parent infant bonding, and many other intimacies as well. 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.920 And the two primary hormones here appear to be oxytocin 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:07.320 and vasopressin. So we start to notice that if you 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:11.160 want a long term relationship with someone, it is natural 0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:16.080 for that initial feeling to subside. But that is a 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:19.920 healthy thing. That is a healthy thing because the stress 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:24.160 that comes from life is what is balanced out by 0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:27.399 the quality of our relationships. The challenges that come with 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:32.160 navigating our workplace, the challenges that come with navigating things 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:36.200 in our home environment, ideally our partner and our friends, 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:39.679 and our long term relationships act as almost like a 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:43.960 cushion to catch us like a net. And I wanted 0:18:44.000 --> 0:18:46.960 to talk about this because I find that a lot 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:52.640 of the time, our partner has the pressure to provide 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:57.080 everything we need. Right, we put a lot of pressures 0:18:57.119 --> 0:19:00.800 on our partners to provide all of our needs. They 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:03.959 need to be interesting as well as exciting. They need 0:19:04.000 --> 0:19:06.600 to be knowledgeable as well as silly. They need to 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:09.160 be there for us as well as independent. They need 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:11.920 to be confident as well as be vulnerable. We want 0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:14.400 them to be everything. We want them to be into sports, 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:16.720 but we want them to be in touch with their emotions. Now, 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.760 I'm not saying these things are mutually exclusive. I'm not 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:22.400 saying that these things are opposites. But I'm saying that 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:24.719 there are a lot of demands on a singular person. 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:28.360 And that's why we find that we jump from romantic 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:31.200 relationship to another, to another to another. It's why we 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:36.520 move from entanglement to entanglement to entanglement because we're constantly 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:40.919 looking for that reduction in serotonin. We're constantly looking for 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:46.120 that production of testosterone or estrogen, and we're constantly chasing 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:49.520 that emotion because it's so addictive, and that's why we 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:52.760 get bored in long term relationships. It's why we start 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:55.359 feeling like the lover has gone away, when actually it 0:19:55.440 --> 0:20:00.520 potentially has deepened. So I hope this episode it's very 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:02.840 different from our usual On Purpose episodes, but I wanted 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:05.919 to give an attempt to explaining what's happening behind the 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:08.760 scenes because I think it will change the way we 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:10.399 approach love. It will change the way you look at 0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:13.560 your partner this week, because I'm hoping that listening to this, 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:16.600 if you've been in a long term relationship for a while, 0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:19.280 you look at your partner and you'll try and notice 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:22.159 the potential of the greatness that's there, the value that 0:20:22.200 --> 0:20:25.040 you've built. And if you're someone who's in a new relationship, 0:20:25.440 --> 0:20:28.240 you'll realize that we're not trying to make this feeling last. 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:31.360 It will go away, but let's get excited of where 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:34.680 we're going too. And if you're someone who's single who's 0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:38.639 going through these experiences, you start to realize that they're natural. 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:40.359 You are going to feel infatuated, you are going to 0:20:40.400 --> 0:20:42.119 get attracted, but you want to temper that with a 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:45.480 bit of balance and see how it grows. So thank 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:48.400 you so much for joining on Purpose today. I am 0:20:48.520 --> 0:20:50.639 loving all of the engagement, all of the interaction that 0:20:50.680 --> 0:20:54.159 we have I appreciate you so deeply and I cannot 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:56.159 wait to see you for an next episode. I hope 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:59.639 you're loving our solos and our guest episodes. Thank you 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:01.800 so much for believing in me, trusting me. Pass this 0:21:01.880 --> 0:21:04.000 on to our friend who needs to understand the science 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:06.600 about what's happening in the brain with love and relationships, 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:09.280 and I'll see you again next week or tomorrow if 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:12.280 you're listening to so many other of our incredible, incredible 0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:14.520 archives of episodes. Thank you so much.