1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:01,720 Speaker 1: So what do we do in that situation? When you're 2 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:05,640 Speaker 1: feeling lusty? It is natural. It is a desire for 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,720 Speaker 1: sexual gratification. That's what it is. And to see as 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: that clearly and not change the language to someone else 5 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,319 Speaker 1: or to ourselves. Now, if you're in a relationship and 6 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:17,560 Speaker 1: you're experiencing this for someone else, what do you do 7 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,680 Speaker 1: in that situation? You have to realize it can be 8 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 1: common and that every time you feel it, it doesn't 9 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,960 Speaker 1: mean you need to act on it. At the same time, 10 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: you don't want to suppress it, So what do you 11 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:37,599 Speaker 1: do about it? Hey? Everyone, welcome back to un Purpose, 12 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world, helping you 13 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: become happier, healthier and more healed. How many of you 14 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: know that that's what you're looking for in your life. 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:52,240 Speaker 1: You're looking for health, happiness, and healing. You're in exactly 16 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: the right place. And I want to thank you all 17 00:00:54,960 --> 00:01:01,040 Speaker 1: because it has been phenomenal to see the number of 18 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: downloads is growing month upon month upon month. I know 19 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: so many of you are recommending the podcast to your friends. 20 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 1: I see hundreds of thousands of you sharing it in 21 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: your stories every week, and it's been truly heart touching 22 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,040 Speaker 1: for me because when I started this three and a 23 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 1: half years ago, I had no idea where it was 24 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:25,560 Speaker 1: going to go. And whether you started listening three episodes ago, 25 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 1: three months ago, or three years ago, you have been 26 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:34,960 Speaker 1: a huge part of making mental health mainstream, about making 27 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 1: these conversations and these topics be a part of everyday 28 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: life so that we can positively improve and impact the 29 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: lives of other people. And so thank you so much 30 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,559 Speaker 1: for being a part of that. It means the world 31 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,760 Speaker 1: to me. I can't wait because my new books out 32 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,559 Speaker 1: next year, thirty fist of January, Eight Rules of Love. 33 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 1: If you haven't ordered it already, you can grab it 34 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 1: at eight Rules of Love dot com. And I'll become 35 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 1: on tour as well, So if you preorder it, you'll 36 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: get access to my tour dates as soon as they're announced. 37 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 1: And today's topic is about love and relationships. I think 38 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 1: I've been recording a lot on this theme for the 39 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: last year because it's been front and center for me, 40 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:20,639 Speaker 1: my clients, and my community. And it's amazing because it's 41 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: an area of our life that can bring us the 42 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: greatest joy or cause us the greatest pain. And I 43 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:32,240 Speaker 1: think we often think about how relationships impact our heart. 44 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: We think about the emotions of love and joy and 45 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 1: fulfillment as heart based feelings. We talk about having our 46 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:48,079 Speaker 1: heart broken or our heart one. We talk about how 47 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: something feels in our chest. We talk about our hearts 48 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: skipping a beat or losing our breath when someone takes 49 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: your breath away. It's all related to that area of 50 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: our lives. We also often unconsciously talk about our gut, 51 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,080 Speaker 1: like I feel nervous, I feel butterflies right, These are 52 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: all gut based feelings in relationships. Or we say I 53 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,080 Speaker 1: know he's not right from me, I feel it in 54 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 1: my gut, or what does your gut say? And so 55 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: a lot of our language, a lot of our vocabulary, 56 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: a lot of our thoughts around love and relationships are 57 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 1: based around the heart and the gut. And we often 58 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: say things like, well, make sure you're head screwed on straight, 59 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: you know, does that make sense in your head? Take 60 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: your head with your heart. But we often don't realize 61 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: that love, relationships and the aspects included in it actually 62 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: affect the brain. The brain is interacting with these different emotions, 63 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: different feelings, different ideas, and the brain is impacted and 64 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 1: shows chemical changes, chemical balances, imbalances, and I think that 65 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: for all of us to understand love deeper in our lives, 66 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: for us to understand what we're really experiencing. Like how 67 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:18,039 Speaker 1: many times have you ever felt like someone loves you 68 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:23,280 Speaker 1: only to realize they weren't in love with you? Right, 69 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure you've had that experience, or you have a 70 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 1: friend that's had that experience, or how many of you 71 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:30,839 Speaker 1: have ever had the experience where you feel you love 72 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 1: someone but then you realize you didn't really love them, 73 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: it was something else. And loves this big word that 74 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: gets thrown around, talked about, overpopularized, oversubscribed to, only for 75 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:49,119 Speaker 1: us to not know what it actually means. Studies show 76 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 1: that men often think about expressing feelings of love first, 77 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: and on average, it takes them ninety seven point three 78 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 1: days to consider saying I love you, while women take 79 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: around one hundred and thirty eight days to say it. 80 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 1: And men consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month, 81 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: whereas women think about it after two to three months. 82 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: So we realize that a lot of us are quite 83 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: good at falling in love too fast. And that's why 84 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,039 Speaker 1: I like looking at the brain's perspective because if I 85 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 1: ask you why did you feel? What were you going through? 86 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 1: How did you know? It can be quite subjective, but 87 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: the way these different feelings of love show up in 88 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: the brain are actually really interesting. So there are three 89 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 1: ways love shows up in the brain, or feelings of 90 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: love show up in the brain, and they are lost, attraction, 91 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: and attachment. Now, I think we can all relate to these, right, 92 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 1: we've all experienced lost, or at least we know what 93 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: that looks like and what that feels like, and we'll 94 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: talk a bit about that in a moment. The second 95 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 1: is a track, it's a deeper sense of lust, it's 96 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 1: maybe a longer sense of lust, it's a time frame 97 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 1: that changes that conversation. And the third is attachment. So 98 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: when we're experiencing lust, testosterone and estrogen are the most 99 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 1: active chemicals. With attraction, it's dopamine, nora pernepherin, and serotonin, 100 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:32,479 Speaker 1: and for attachment it's oxytocin and vasopressin. So we realize 101 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:38,440 Speaker 1: that what we group together or often lump together as love, infatuation, attraction, 102 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 1: or maybe you are good at knowing the difference. I 103 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: think it's very hard to know the difference in the moment, 104 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,839 Speaker 1: And I'm taking this from a Harvard Business School RESET study. 105 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: In two thousand and five, Fisher led a RESETS team 106 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 1: that published a groundbreaking study that included the first functional 107 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: MRI fMRI images of the brains of individuals who are 108 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,480 Speaker 1: experiencing romantic love. They looked at about two thousand, five 109 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,600 Speaker 1: hundred brain scans, and what they did is that they 110 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 1: showed them pictures of acquaintances, and they showed them pictures 111 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: of people they were romantically involved in, and they wanted 112 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 1: to see what happened. And they found that when people 113 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: were shown pictures of people they were romantically involved in, 114 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: the brains became more active in regions rich with dopamine, 115 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:31,119 Speaker 1: the so called feel good neurotransmitter. And what they found 116 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: is when we're falling in love, there were a few 117 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: things that happened. Our physical body reacts. We have racing hearts, 118 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: sweaty palms, flush cheeks, feelings of passion, and even anxiety 119 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: and levels of the stress hormone cortisol increases during the 120 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:52,480 Speaker 1: initial phase of romantic love, and it almost makes your 121 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 1: body feel like it has to cope with a state 122 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: of crisis. If you've ever felt like when I need 123 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: to message them, When are they going to message me? 124 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: When am I going to see them? What am I 125 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 1: going to wear? It's almost like a heightened sense of 126 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: stress that we're experiencing in pressure, and we see that 127 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: stress and pressure as excitement, and we may also see 128 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: it as stressful. It's interesting, isn't it, because we may 129 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: also experience that with different things in our life when 130 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: we're about to do something exciting, when we're about to 131 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: do something big, but we often see it as negative. Now, 132 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: what happens is as the quarters old levels rise, Schwartz 133 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: says that the serotonin becomes depleted, and those low levels 134 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: of serotonin is what sparks. What Schwartz says are the intrusive, 135 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love, like the 136 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,199 Speaker 1: infatuation that's gained with that. Why is this important to us? 137 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 1: It's important because we need to know the difference between 138 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: last attraction and attachment, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What do 139 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 1: all of these have in common? A lack of perceived 140 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 1: control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what if 141 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,640 Speaker 1: I told you fixing all of these problems is as 142 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know not 143 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,960 Speaker 1: simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we could 144 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 1: all use more calm in our lives, and learning to 145 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 1: stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice. That's 146 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring you 147 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,120 Speaker 1: the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate with 148 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: me and take back control over your busy mind, join 149 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: me on the car map for the Daily J, a 150 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in 151 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life, 152 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer 153 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 1: to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by 154 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 1: going to Calm dot com forward slash J to get 155 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,520 Speaker 1: forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's own forty 156 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 1: two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations. 157 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 1: Experience the Daily jy only on Calm Now. Lust, as 158 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,640 Speaker 1: I talked about before, stimulates the production of sex hormones 159 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:17,559 Speaker 1: testosterone and estrogen from the testes and ovaries, and we 160 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 1: often mistake that for love or deeper attraction, but the 161 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: brain science shows that it's actually different. Now for anyone 162 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:28,120 Speaker 1: who's experienced lust before. I mean, lust is what makes 163 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 1: us cheat. Lust is what makes us sometimes do regrettable things. 164 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: Lust is also what makes us love bomb, makes us 165 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: make someone feel like we are deeply into them, and 166 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,480 Speaker 1: then the next day forget about them. And so lust 167 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: decision making is often unhealthy. And I find that we've 168 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 1: created a society where lust is somewhat glorified. Lust is 169 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: seen as you know, some people see last obviously religiously 170 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,400 Speaker 1: as a negative thing. But we think of that spark, 171 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,199 Speaker 1: and we think of that stress, and we think of 172 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 1: that pressure as all positive. And while it can be 173 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:07,000 Speaker 1: a sign or an indicator or a signal in the 174 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: right direction, it is not a sign of love. And 175 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,320 Speaker 1: I think when you're on the receiving end of that, 176 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,840 Speaker 1: when you're on the receiving end of someone obsessing about 177 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: you and being really into you, it can be a 178 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: really captivating feeling, like it can be really intoxicating as 179 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 1: a feeling when someone's lusting after you. But it's important 180 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: for you to realize that that's not the stabilizer of 181 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 1: a relationship. That's not what makes a relationship sustainable. It's 182 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: not what makes a good quality relationship last, and so 183 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 1: it's just something to think about. Now, if you're someone 184 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: who feels like you get attracted to a lust after 185 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 1: someone every single week, every single month, and maybe you're 186 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,760 Speaker 1: in a committed relationship. I want to get to an 187 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:55,760 Speaker 1: uncomfortable conversation here about how so many people who are 188 00:11:55,800 --> 00:12:00,319 Speaker 1: in committed, loving relationships can still experience lust for someone else. 189 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:05,520 Speaker 1: And when they do, usually they do two things. They 190 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: act on it or they suppress it. And in that moment, 191 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: the acting on it, of course, makes you feel guilty, 192 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: It makes you feel shameful, makes you feel regret, and 193 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,959 Speaker 1: maybe you even do it in secret, so you're scared 194 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 1: of being found out and we see that happen, or 195 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:24,319 Speaker 1: someone suppresses it, they pretend it doesn't exist, they act 196 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: like it's not real. They don't tell their partner about it, 197 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: or don't talk about it openly because they're scared of 198 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:37,880 Speaker 1: feeling judged. And that suppression usually leads to something insurmountable 199 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: in the future when it all erupts. So what do 200 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,079 Speaker 1: we do in that situation when you're feeling lusty, when 201 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,319 Speaker 1: you're going through that triggered response, how do you want 202 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 1: it to that? I think the first thing we have 203 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: to realize is that it is natural. It is a 204 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 1: desire for sexual gratification. That's what it is. And to 205 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,679 Speaker 1: see as that clearly and not change the language to 206 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: someone else or to ourselves, to not kid ourselves that 207 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: it's something deeper or more meaningful, and to convey that 208 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 1: to someone else, because we may end up misleading them 209 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 1: as well. I think that's a really healthy way of 210 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,679 Speaker 1: thinking about it. Now, if you're in a relationship and 211 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 1: you're experiencing this for someone else, what do you do 212 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: in that situation? I think one of the first things 213 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,679 Speaker 1: is you have to realize that it can be common 214 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,079 Speaker 1: and that every time you feel it, it doesn't mean 215 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: you need to act on it. At the same time, 216 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,560 Speaker 1: you don't want to suppress it, So what do you 217 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 1: do about it? Well, one of the things you need 218 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,640 Speaker 1: to do is come up with an internal dialogue to 219 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 1: coach yourself through it. You have to think about what's 220 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 1: really special about what you have. You have to think 221 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 1: about what's important about what you've built. You've got to 222 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,840 Speaker 1: reconnect with that feeling you probably had about the person 223 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: you're with right now and it naturally wore off. And 224 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,320 Speaker 1: here's the thing, So what changed is that the stress 225 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 1: hormone actually decreased as time went on. So in the 226 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,560 Speaker 1: beginning you're experiencing the high stress. As you get to 227 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: know someone, your stress decreases because being with them reduces 228 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: your stress. Now, sometimes we see that as a sign 229 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,320 Speaker 1: of the sparks gone. We see that as a sign 230 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: of we've lost what we had. No, you haven't. You've 231 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: actually gained something. Their company makes you feel calm. That 232 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: company makes you feel peaceful. That relationship is giving you 233 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: the benefits of a deeper relationship. But we got so 234 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: used to identifying that stress of what do I wear 235 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 1: around them? How do I feel about them? Do we 236 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: get along? Where should we go? What should we do? 237 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 1: We saw that as love, when actually it was just 238 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 1: lust that was going to evolve if we allowed it to. 239 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 1: So where do we go from here? We're experiencing last 240 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: attraction attachment. When we talk about attraction, high levels of 241 00:14:55,080 --> 00:15:00,360 Speaker 1: dopamine and a related hormone, neuropephrin, are released during a action. 242 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric, even leading 243 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: to decreased appetite and insomnia, which means you can actually 244 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: be so in love that you can't eat and sleep. 245 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: You notice how these physical descriptions of love actually come 246 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: from what is chemically happening. And so when people are 247 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 1: going through this, often we're like, oh, yeah, you're just attracted. 248 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: You're just infatuated, which is true, but it is a 249 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: chemical reaction. And when we know this in and of ourselves, 250 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 1: we can learn to say, okay, well I should eat, 251 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: I should sleep. I may feel like I can't, but 252 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: I have to think about my health and well being 253 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: during this time as well. And attraction seems to lead 254 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 1: to a reduction in serotonin, or hormone that's known to 255 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: be involved in appetite and mood. Interestingly, study show people 256 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 1: who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder also have low levels 257 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,640 Speaker 1: of serotonin, leading scientists to speculate that this is what 258 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: underlies the overpowering infatuation that characterizes the beginning stages of love. So, 259 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 1: notice how the beginning stages of love are like this 260 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: giddy and ergetic, euphoric. This then calms down as I 261 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 1: was talking about earlier, but then we want that feeling again. 262 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: It's almost like a drug, right, There's almost an addictive 263 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 1: nature to it, and a lot of the science shows 264 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: that love is addictive, so some research goes on to 265 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,720 Speaker 1: suggest that falling in love is an obsession, and the 266 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 1: research says that while you're wild about someone, your serotonin 267 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 1: levels go down, which is the same trend typically found 268 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 1: in people with obsessive compulsive disorder. It's also true that 269 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: a brain in love is very similar to a brain 270 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,119 Speaker 1: in throes of addiction. Further, brain imaging studies show activity 271 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 1: in the nuclear circumbents, a region of the brain that 272 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: lights up when someone is addicted to a substance like 273 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 1: cocaine or a behavior like gambling. Again, the love bombing 274 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: aspect the aspect of someone being addicted to you and 275 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 1: then being distant from you. The idea of feeling addicted 276 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: to someone that you need to see them every day, 277 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: that you want to see them everywhere day, that you 278 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,159 Speaker 1: want to be with them every day, And this is 279 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,080 Speaker 1: something we have to monitor. It's something we have to 280 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:14,520 Speaker 1: be aware of. It's something that we don't just let 281 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,920 Speaker 1: it take over again and again and again, because the 282 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,120 Speaker 1: idea that we're addicted to someone can be extremely painful 283 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,080 Speaker 1: when that someone is no longer around, no longer with us, 284 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:28,680 Speaker 1: no longer in our vicinity. Maybe out of reach. What 285 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 1: I'm suggesting you do is understand the chemical imbalances that 286 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,160 Speaker 1: are going on here, because when we don't understand these, 287 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: we think it's all real. And I'm not saying it's 288 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,159 Speaker 1: not real. It is, but it's short lived, it's temporary, 289 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: it's ephemeral. Last, but not least is attachment, which is 290 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 1: the predominant factor in long term relationships. So while last 291 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 1: and attraction are pretty much exclusive to romantic relationships, attachment 292 00:17:54,960 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 1: mediates friendships, parent infant bonding, and many other intimacies as well. 293 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: And the two primary hormones here appear to be oxytocin 294 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 1: and vasopressin. So we start to notice that if you 295 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:11,160 Speaker 1: want a long term relationship with someone, it is natural 296 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: for that initial feeling to subside. But that is a 297 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: healthy thing. That is a healthy thing because the stress 298 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 1: that comes from life is what is balanced out by 299 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,399 Speaker 1: the quality of our relationships. The challenges that come with 300 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 1: navigating our workplace, the challenges that come with navigating things 301 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,200 Speaker 1: in our home environment, ideally our partner and our friends, 302 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,679 Speaker 1: and our long term relationships act as almost like a 303 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: cushion to catch us like a net. And I wanted 304 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 1: to talk about this because I find that a lot 305 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:52,640 Speaker 1: of the time, our partner has the pressure to provide 306 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: everything we need. Right, we put a lot of pressures 307 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 1: on our partners to provide all of our needs. They 308 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,959 Speaker 1: need to be interesting as well as exciting. They need 309 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 1: to be knowledgeable as well as silly. They need to 310 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,160 Speaker 1: be there for us as well as independent. They need 311 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,920 Speaker 1: to be confident as well as be vulnerable. We want 312 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,400 Speaker 1: them to be everything. We want them to be into sports, 313 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 1: but we want them to be in touch with their emotions. Now, 314 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,760 Speaker 1: I'm not saying these things are mutually exclusive. I'm not 315 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,400 Speaker 1: saying that these things are opposites. But I'm saying that 316 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,719 Speaker 1: there are a lot of demands on a singular person. 317 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,360 Speaker 1: And that's why we find that we jump from romantic 318 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: relationship to another, to another to another. It's why we 319 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:36,520 Speaker 1: move from entanglement to entanglement to entanglement because we're constantly 320 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,919 Speaker 1: looking for that reduction in serotonin. We're constantly looking for 321 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:46,120 Speaker 1: that production of testosterone or estrogen, and we're constantly chasing 322 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: that emotion because it's so addictive, and that's why we 323 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: get bored in long term relationships. It's why we start 324 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,359 Speaker 1: feeling like the lover has gone away, when actually it 325 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 1: potentially has deepened. So I hope this episode it's very 326 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 1: different from our usual On Purpose episodes, but I wanted 327 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,919 Speaker 1: to give an attempt to explaining what's happening behind the 328 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,760 Speaker 1: scenes because I think it will change the way we 329 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 1: approach love. It will change the way you look at 330 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,560 Speaker 1: your partner this week, because I'm hoping that listening to this, 331 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: if you've been in a long term relationship for a while, 332 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: you look at your partner and you'll try and notice 333 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,159 Speaker 1: the potential of the greatness that's there, the value that 334 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: you've built. And if you're someone who's in a new relationship, 335 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,240 Speaker 1: you'll realize that we're not trying to make this feeling last. 336 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,360 Speaker 1: It will go away, but let's get excited of where 337 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 1: we're going too. And if you're someone who's single who's 338 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,639 Speaker 1: going through these experiences, you start to realize that they're natural. 339 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: You are going to feel infatuated, you are going to 340 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,119 Speaker 1: get attracted, but you want to temper that with a 341 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 1: bit of balance and see how it grows. So thank 342 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,400 Speaker 1: you so much for joining on Purpose today. I am 343 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 1: loving all of the engagement, all of the interaction that 344 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,159 Speaker 1: we have I appreciate you so deeply and I cannot 345 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,159 Speaker 1: wait to see you for an next episode. I hope 346 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,639 Speaker 1: you're loving our solos and our guest episodes. Thank you 347 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 1: so much for believing in me, trusting me. Pass this 348 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: on to our friend who needs to understand the science 349 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,600 Speaker 1: about what's happening in the brain with love and relationships, 350 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: and I'll see you again next week or tomorrow if 351 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 1: you're listening to so many other of our incredible, incredible 352 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,520 Speaker 1: archives of episodes. Thank you so much.