WEBVTT - 3 Dates Every Couple Needs to Go On & 3 Conversations You Shouldn't Avoid 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.880 Often what happens in relationships is we don't ask enough 0:00:04.040 --> 0:00:07.320 interesting questions to our partners. And that's why our partners 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.400 can feel boring because we stopped asking interesting questions. And 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:15.040 I really feel there's always another, deeper, more intimate, more 0:00:15.080 --> 0:00:18.480 powerful question that we can ask to our partners when 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:21.560 you're learning these new things about each other, right when 0:00:21.560 --> 0:00:32.519 you're having those moments of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. Hey, everyone, 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:35.879 welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 0:00:36.000 --> 0:00:38.120 in the world. Thanks to each and every one of 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:42.200 you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:48.320 I have loved seeing all your stats from Spotify wrapped 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.519 through to the Apple Listening, through to any platform, one, stitcho, 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:54.000 wherever you listen to on Purpose. I've loved seeing how 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:57.400 many hours, how many weeks, and many months and many 0:00:57.480 --> 0:01:01.160 years you spend listening to the podcast here. I'm so 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:04.520 deeply grateful to you. I mean it. I bump into 0:01:04.560 --> 0:01:07.560 so many of you on hikes and walks and shops 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:09.480 and whatever it may be throughout the week, and whenever 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:11.880 you come and say you listen it on Purpose and 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.200 you overheard my voice in story or something, it really 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:18.760 fills my heart up and I just want you to 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:20.319 know how much it matters to me and how much 0:01:20.319 --> 0:01:22.480 it means to me. I don't take it for granted. 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:26.480 I don't see it as normal. I see it as beautiful. 0:01:26.520 --> 0:01:28.959 And if you listen here, you know me, you understand me. 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:32.680 And I'm really excited right now because I'm sitting here 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:36.400 with the first copy of my new book that I've received, 0:01:36.560 --> 0:01:41.040 Eight Rules of Love. And it's such a beautiful moment 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:45.000 when you've worked on something for two years to see 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:48.640 it come to life. And I can't wait for you 0:01:48.680 --> 0:01:51.440 to read this book. This book has so many tools, 0:01:51.720 --> 0:01:57.000 so many frameworks, meditations, reflections that are going to support 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:00.920 you in your journey towards loving yourself, loving others, and 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:05.680 then loving the world too. And I wanted to give 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:08.040 you a quick sneak peek. I know that so many 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:10.520 of already, tens of thousands of you have ordered it. 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:14.240 If you haven't already, please preorder it at eight Rules 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:17.639 of Love dot com. It really helps authors when you 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:22.320 pre order, because then the book stores realize that this 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.200 is exciting, people are excited, and they make sure that 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:28.040 we don't run out a week one. So I'm very 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:29.919 excited for the book to be in your hands as 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:32.880 it is in mind right now, hopefully you can hear it. 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:35.480 That's me flicked through the book. But I wanted to 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.760 share something that this book is not made up of 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:42.079 things I've said before or interconnected. It's it's a lot 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:46.920 of new content, new ideas, new thoughts, formulated through my 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:51.200 coaching work, formulated by working with clients, formulated by ancient 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:54.400 wisdom and modern science being paired up. And today I 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.320 wanted to share with you a concept, a sneak peak 0:02:57.560 --> 0:03:02.040 from something in the book. And it's because I feel 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:05.079 like we always hear how the key to relationships, the 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:10.720 key to a healthy relationship is communication, but often we're thinking, well, 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.720 what do we talk about? Right? What is it that 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:16.080 we should be talking about? And in the book, I 0:03:16.160 --> 0:03:20.200 create something called the three date rule, and I believe 0:03:20.320 --> 0:03:23.520 that these are three dates that every couple has to 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:26.400 go on. They're not three dates that have to happen 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:29.440 as your first three dates. They're not three dates that 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:33.480 have to follow each other. They're just three really important 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:38.880 conversations that need to happen in a relationship in order 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:43.840 to protect, create and build love. I think a lot 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:51.040 of us feel that avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, avoiding uncomfortable 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:55.920 situations is the root to a healthy relationship. I think 0:03:55.960 --> 0:03:58.440 it's what we've learned from the media, it's what we've 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:01.760 probably been told by errands, it's probably what we've seen also, 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:04.000 because if you grew up in an environment where there 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:07.800 was always conflict, where there was always fighting and arguing, 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:12.840 we become so averse to that, not realizing that maybe 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:17.560 we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it as 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:20.960 opposed to a healthy version of it. Right, So so 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:25.279 often we don't realize that there can be healthy debate 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:29.800 and disagreement, and there can be unhealthy debate and disagreement. 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:34.480 I remember I was Okay, now you get to realize 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:37.320 what a dog I am. I used to be on 0:04:37.600 --> 0:04:40.560 my high schools debate team. Yes, that's right, I said it. 0:04:40.600 --> 0:04:43.360 I was on my high school's debate team. You can 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:44.960 think whatever you want to think. I learned some really 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:48.120 good skills. So I was on my high schools debate team. 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:50.760 And at the time, you know, when I was a teenager, 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:52.599 I was one of those people that just love to 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.799 win for winning's sake, and often when I would debate, 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.480 I would find the key argument of my side, or 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:02.000 I'd find the key floor in the other side, and 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:03.800 I would go for it, and and I would often win 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:09.560 my debating coach at school. I had a debate in coach. Yes, 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:12.120 that's right, and I know you're laughing. It's fine. He 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:14.480 said something to me that really is stuck with me. 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:18.680 He said to me that, Jay, I know that you win, 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.960 but he said that do you want to win the 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:28.120 debate with the other person or do you want to 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:31.000 learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind? 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:35.640 And That's been some of the most profound statement that 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:37.440 I've ever heard. He was like, do you want to 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:41.440 know how to make sense of internal debates, an internal 0:05:41.520 --> 0:05:43.880 conflict that you have, or do you just want to 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:47.800 beat the other person? He said to me that if 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:54.360 you truly truly want to learn how to debate, you 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:58.880 should know the opposing side stance as well as you 0:05:58.960 --> 0:06:02.880 know your own. Most people who know how to debate, 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:07.040 they deeply understand their approach and then they understand the 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:10.640 flaws of the opposite side. But he was giving me 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.719 this fresh perspective that if you really wanted to learn 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:17.720 how to win inner battles, inner conflict, in a debate, 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:22.040 then actually knowing both sides deeply, Understanding both sides more 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:27.760 deeply made you far better at debating, and now, no 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:31.440 matter the outcome, you'd actually won internally. So the reason 0:06:31.560 --> 0:06:34.040 I'm sharing this is I learned that there was a 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:37.120 healthier form of debate. I learned that there was a 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:40.719 healthier form of managing conflict, and all of a sudden, 0:06:41.279 --> 0:06:46.280 I was really excited and inspired to learn. Now I'm 0:06:46.320 --> 0:06:50.200 taking that from debate at school into our relationships. If 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:53.600 we've only ever seen bad arguments, if we've only seen abusive, 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:56.840 toxic language, it's very hard for us to want to 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:00.960 walk in to a debate or a disagree and figure 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:05.719 out how to do it healthily. So I want to 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:09.000 encourage you world to have uncomfortable conversations. I want to 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:13.480 encourage you all to have challenging conversations in a safe space, 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:20.520 setting the environment first of learning and growing. These conversations 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:23.080 that I'm encouraging you to have are not fights, they're 0:07:23.080 --> 0:07:26.480 not disagreements, they're not debates. They're actually encouraging you to 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:29.120 learn and grow. When we get into a relationship, we 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:33.000 often see it as a space for enjoyment and pleasure. 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:36.760 We want to enjoy the other person. We want to 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:40.200 please the other person. That's what a relationship can be like. 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:43.720 And often as time goes on, we realize that the 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:46.800 enjoyment can drop and we can stop having the desire 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:50.120 to please them. But that's where the learning and growing 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:54.640 needs to start. And learning and growing has something more 0:07:54.680 --> 0:08:00.400 beautiful to share than just enjoying and pleasing and learning 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:03.840 is the missing link between like and love. If we 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:06.880 want to move from like to love, there's learning right 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:10.920 in between. So these three dates, these three sets of questions, 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:13.720 the sneak peak I'm giving you from eight Rules of 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:16.920 Love is a technique I set up to help you understand. 0:08:17.240 --> 0:08:21.520 So the first thing that we want to learn in 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:26.600 the first date is their personality, because it's the easiest 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:30.440 thing to spot, understand and connect with. Do we like 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:35.080 their personality? Do we enjoy their company? Do we like 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:39.880 being around them? Notice how these are all different questions. 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:43.640 Often the questions we're asking is do they like me? 0:08:44.400 --> 0:08:49.600 Do they think I'm interesting? Do they think I'm hot, cool? Whatever? 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:53.600 It may be? Right, we're not sitting there going Do 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:56.040 I enjoy their company? Is this bringing out the best 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.880 in me? Do I believe that their personality allows me 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:02.840 to share my personality. Now I read an incredible study 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:06.120 that I have to share with you because I really 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:09.080 wanted to inform how you do this stage. As you 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:11.680 know in my book in my podcast, I get very specific, 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:15.520 I get scientific, I share studies, I share practical tactical tools, 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:17.760 which is the difference here. We're not just talking about ideas. 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:21.199 We're talking about insights that can transform your life. And 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:23.840 this study showed that for someone to be seen as 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:28.560 a casual connection, we have to spend forty hours with them. 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:33.600 Forty hours makes someone a casual connection in our lives. 0:09:34.640 --> 0:09:38.480 Mind blowing. The study goes on to say a hundred 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:42.360 hours makes someone a good friend, not a best friend, 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:46.120 or a great friend, a good friend, and the study 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:50.080 concludes that two hundred hours of time spent with someone 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:54.560 makes them a great friend, a deep friend, an intimate friend. 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:57.720 The question you have to ask yourself when you're dating 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:02.120 or when you're with someone, is am I curious to 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:05.720 spend two hundred hours with this person? Am I intrigued? 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:09.120 Do I like who I'm becoming? I think one of 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:11.120 the biggest questions, and this is one of the biggest 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:13.400 myths out there that I want to bust. And I 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.600 want you to share this with all your friends because 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:18.640 I know they're hearing this. So many people are hearing 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:21.640 the advice. Make a list of what you want in someone. 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:24.400 That's when you'll know you found the one. Make a list. 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:26.760 When you make a list of exactly what you want 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:29.199 and manifest it. Make a list you want them to 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:34.360 be tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, pretty, beautiful, whatever it 0:10:34.400 --> 0:10:38.640 may be. Make a list. That's what people say. I'm 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:40.960 here to tell you that that list can often limit 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:43.720 you away from love. The list I want you to 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:49.080 make is how will you be the best version of 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:51.000 you in love? How will you know you're in love 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:53.040 because the best of you will come out? What does 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:55.600 it look like when you're at your best? How do 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:59.160 you feel when you're at your best? Is that how 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:02.560 you want to feel in love? That's what you're looking for. 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:05.720 You're looking to feel those things because guess what, Otherwise 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:08.559 someone might be kind, they might be funny, they might 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.400 check everything off that list, and you still won't feel 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:15.880 how you want to feel. So start with what is 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:18.760 it that you will feel, not what they'll make you feel. 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:22.960 How do you think you will behave How do you 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:27.000 think you will act in a healthy relationship? What do 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:29.720 you think will be brought out of you when you're 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:33.440 in a healthy relationship. That is a much better metric. 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:38.280 That is a much better measure for how you'll know 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:42.760 you'll be with the right person, because often we're able 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:46.800 to be a different person for forty hours. Maybe we 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:49.200 might even be good enough to be someone else for 0:11:49.240 --> 0:11:52.320 a hundred hours, But you can't pretend to be someone 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:56.959 for over two hundred hours, or if you've tried to 0:11:57.120 --> 0:12:02.400 be really tough, be really challenging. And so I don't 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:03.960 want you to pretend to be someone you don't want 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:08.400 to be for two hundred hours, because you have something 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.160 more to offer than that. So I don't want you 0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:11.760 to make the list of what you want in a partner. 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:13.840 And I also don't want you to make the list 0:12:13.880 --> 0:12:16.280 of like who you're going to be in a relationship. It, Oh, 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:17.719 I'm going to be loving, I'm gonna be this, I'm 0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:20.040 going to become everything that's good too. But I want 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:22.760 you to go to step further and go, how do 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:27.040 I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:29.920 act when I'm at my best? If I feel like 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.200 someone's bringing the best out of me, what does that 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:34.920 look like? What will that feel like like? I know 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:41.000 that I would be driven towards my purpose. I would 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:47.240 feel energized daily. I would feel happy in the morning 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:52.199 and evening to be with them. I would be excited 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:57.280 to see them. I would feel comfortable opening my heart 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:01.880 and talking about what I'm really going through. I would 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:05.640 be patient if they're really important to me. That list 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:10.040 is going to transform how you view the potential partner 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:14.360 you're or the partner you're dating right now. So the 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:17.640 first date is do you have fun together? Do you 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:20.920 enjoy each other's company? Remember this isn't your first date chronologically. 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:23.079 It's a date that needs to happen in your mind. 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:26.079 Does conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:30.160 you uncomfortable? That is an important question. What about your 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:33.000 partner makes you feel uncomfortable? And asking yourself before you 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:36.400 challenge them on it, before you poke it out and 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:38.199 put it out in front of them, asking yourself, why 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:41.200 does it make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.400 feel uncomfortable because of trigger you have from your parents? 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:45.440 Does it make you feel uncomfortable because of something you've 0:13:45.480 --> 0:13:51.040 adopted or is it important to you. Often our rage 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:55.559 or anger or frustration with our partner is adopted from 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:59.840 our parents. If our parents found something annoying about their partner, 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:03.240 we can often find the same thing annoying about our partners. 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:07.960 I know someone whose mum was always upset that their 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:12.040 dad came home late from work. Now the person I 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:15.480 know really loves their partner and loves how hard they work. 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:19.920 But in the beginning they used to get triggered and 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:21.480 they'd be like, why do you always come home late? 0:14:22.040 --> 0:14:23.760 And the partner would say, well, you know what I've 0:14:23.760 --> 0:14:25.560 been working on. We talked about it, like I thought, 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:27.360 I thought we were really aware that we're committed that 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:29.200 this year we're really working hardest so we can save 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:31.720 up so that we can move into a bigger place. 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:34.520 And they'd be fine with that answer. That would connect 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:36.480 with them. That's how they felt too, But there was 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:39.560 still this internal trigger that was pushing them there. So 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:43.400 when we find or discover our uncomfortability, we first want 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:44.840 to ask where is that coming for us? Is it 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:47.600 really true to us? If the answer is yes, like 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:50.080 this is actually an issue for me personally, this is 0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:53.320 something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me raise that 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:55.920 the first day is to find out if you really 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:58.360 enjoy each other's personalities. And I'm going to give you 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:02.160 some questions that I think are beautiful to ask in 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:06.120 a first day. What's something you love to do? Most 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:08.600 people have never asked this question. Do you have a 0:15:08.640 --> 0:15:13.320 favorite place? And why? Why? Is as important as what 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:16.360 is there a book or a movie you've read or 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:19.160 seen more than once? I loved this question. It says 0:15:19.200 --> 0:15:21.800 so much about them, You learn so much about them. 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:25.080 And that's the key here, right Like love is learning, 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:31.120 learning is love. If you love someone, you want to 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:37.320 learn about them. I remember that I was traveling recently 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:40.600 and different groups of people came up to me and 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:42.680 we were taking pictures and talking. They listened to the 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:45.320 podcast and they've read Thinks like a Monk, and they 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:47.000 were saying how excited they are for the next book, 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.040 and all that kind of stuff was going on, and 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:50.960 there are a few people who had no clue who 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:55.680 I was, right, like, no idea, no idea. And then 0:15:55.720 --> 0:15:58.200 they came up to me and then they were like, 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:01.240 what do you do? Like you know? And then they 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:02.880 asked for a pick to two bucks, like you don't 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:04.160 know who I ad like, you don't know what I do? 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:06.800 This is really weird. But they were like, what do 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:09.760 you do? And it was really interesting that because they 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:16.000 saw people show me love, they wanted to learn about me. 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:18.720 And that's what I think is really interesting. I'm just 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:21.480 taking that as an idea that if you love someone, 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:25.480 or if you want to love someone, learning about them 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.120 and continuing to learn about them is so key to 0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:34.360 a relationship. And often what happens in relationships is relationship 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:37.480 has become old old, which means you've had an old 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.640 relationship and you only know the things you knew about 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:42.440 them ten twenty years ago. If you got that friend 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:44.920 where they thank you for the same thing over and 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:47.400 over and over again from like twenty years ago, or 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:50.360 your only memory that you ever talk about is from school, 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:54.000 you haven't made any new memories. That's an old old relationship. 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:57.680 I want you to have new old relationships, which is 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:00.480 you're learning new things about someone who's been in your 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:02.640 life for a long time. When you're learning those new 0:17:02.680 --> 0:17:06.119 things about each other, right when you're having those moments 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:11.080 of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. This is a 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:14.399 great question. What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment. 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.640 What's something you wish you knew more about. I love 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:19.760 this question because no matter how long you've been with 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.720 someone I did. This was rather the other day we 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:24.960 were both trying to pick books we want to read. 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:28.119 Actually we weren't. We're actually having this conversation, and I 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:29.399 was like, what is it that we want to know 0:17:29.480 --> 0:17:31.879 more about? And she asked me, Actually, she was like, 0:17:31.880 --> 0:17:33.840 do you know any books in this area? And I 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.520 started amazoning books for her and sending her stuff and 0:17:36.600 --> 0:17:38.680 got it all wrong, and she knew what you wanted 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:40.200 to read. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute, 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.200 what do I want to read about this holiday season? 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:44.800 Like I'm gonna, you know, be traveling, you have some downtime, 0:17:44.880 --> 0:17:46.800 Like I want to read something, I want to learn something. 0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:50.879 What's the best meal you've ever had? I loved that conversation, 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:53.359 especially if you're with a foodie, as my wife is. 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:58.560 So these are not interview questions, right. This isn't a 0:17:58.560 --> 0:18:03.640 conversation where you're interviewing and interrogating. You're also sharing, You're 0:18:03.680 --> 0:18:06.120 also revealing, So make sure you have your answers ready 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:10.200 as well, and use it as a point of starting 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:14.520 healthier conversations. I think we don't ask enough interesting questions 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:17.879 to our partners, and that's why our partners can feel 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:22.600 boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I 0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:26.600 really feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:30.840 question that we can ask to our partners. Okay, Date 0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:35.720 two again, This could happen at any point, and this 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:40.800 one is all about whether you respect their values. I 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:45.280 am a huge, huge proponent of values. Everyone has values, 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:48.840 whether they know it or not. And our genuine, realist 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:52.960 values are where we spend our time, where we spend 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:57.080 our money, and where we spend our energy. We may 0:18:57.160 --> 0:19:01.879 think we have different values. That is our value of 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:03.520 where we spend that. Now, you may have a reason 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:05.720 why you spend your time there, way why you spend 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:08.639 your money there, That underpins that as your deeper value. 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:11.639 But we have to be really honest about It's not 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:13.919 just about intention, it's about where our actions are with 0:19:13.960 --> 0:19:17.439 our values as well. When I talk about respecting your 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:20.760 partner's values, there's something really interesting here because a lot 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:25.680 of the times we like their personality, but we don't 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:29.159 respect their values. We would like their values to change. 0:19:30.040 --> 0:19:33.160 Sometimes we would like them to value what we value. 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:37.199 If you want your partner to value what you value, 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:42.399 you are devaluing them. If you want your partner to 0:19:42.640 --> 0:19:45.480 love what you love as much as you love it, 0:19:46.480 --> 0:19:49.199 they're going to feel that they don't have time to 0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:52.560 love what they want to love. Your partner doesn't have 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:56.399 to love what you love. They have to love the 0:19:56.480 --> 0:20:00.720 way you love it. That's the key, right. Your partner 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:03.679 doesn't have to love what you love, they have to 0:20:03.760 --> 0:20:06.880 love the way you love it. So, when I think 0:20:06.920 --> 0:20:11.200 about RADI loves food, I like food. I enjoy it. 0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:14.000 I can't love food the way RADI does, but I 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:16.040 can love the way she loves it. I love the 0:20:16.080 --> 0:20:18.760 way she gets excited about sharing any recipe with me. 0:20:18.840 --> 0:20:21.520 I love the way she makes videos and talks about food. 0:20:21.560 --> 0:20:23.200 I love the way so I love what she does 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:26.679 with it. Similarly, Radi doesn't love what I do as 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:30.120 much as I do. She can't, it's not her value system. 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:33.000 But she loves me for loving it. She loves how 0:20:33.040 --> 0:20:35.159 I feel when I'm teaching and guiding and coaching and 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:38.000 all the work that I do. And so I really 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:41.439 want to help you understand that respecting someone's values is 0:20:41.480 --> 0:20:44.560 asking yourself do I like how this person operates in 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:48.880 the world. Can I appreciate why they operate that way? 0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:51.720 And that's often the question of like, you may not 0:20:51.800 --> 0:20:54.600 be able to respect someone's value before you understand why 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:57.720 they value it, right, Like, that's the key, Like, you 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:00.600 can't just respect someone's value because you're respect person. You 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:04.320 respect someone's value because you understand deeply why they're so 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:08.520 committed to it. And often in our partnerships, we don't 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.200 understand why deeply, because our partners may not understand why 0:21:12.280 --> 0:21:15.320 they deeply are connected to it. So you can gently 0:21:15.400 --> 0:21:19.040 encourage your partners share meaningful stories and details about their life. 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:21.800 Take turns with these questions and make sure again that 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:24.680 it's not an interview in fact, that they hesitate over 0:21:24.680 --> 0:21:28.000 a question. You might say, I know it's a hard question, 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:30.680 I'll go first, right, Like, I think that's the part. 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:32.960 Often our partners have an answer and we say, oh, well, 0:21:33.000 --> 0:21:35.960 that's the end of the conversation. It has to be 0:21:36.800 --> 0:21:42.080 self disclosure as well, right Escalating self disclosure is a 0:21:42.160 --> 0:21:46.280 really important trul and it's a slow build. Sometimes when 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:48.800 we're ready to share, we think it's the right time 0:21:48.880 --> 0:21:51.680 for them to open up as well. But people do 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:55.280 this at their own pace, in their own time. Ask 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:58.560 questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge. If 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:02.520 the person is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject, 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:05.560 asking is this too heavier topic or would you rather 0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:08.120 not go there right now? I think I think that's 0:22:08.119 --> 0:22:11.080 the caveats that are needed, right, like, if you're forcing 0:22:11.080 --> 0:22:14.080 your partner in a direction versus encouraging them. And by 0:22:14.080 --> 0:22:15.919 the way, I literally would have this with rather all 0:22:15.920 --> 0:22:17.160 the time. I'll say, hey, that was a good time 0:22:17.200 --> 0:22:19.679 to talk about you know, your goals for twenty twenty three? 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:21.520 Do you want to talk about And you're like, no, no, no, Jay, Like, 0:22:21.680 --> 0:22:23.680 I don't want to talk about right now, right and 0:22:24.400 --> 0:22:27.159 and that's beautiful. I can't force it. And I may say, well, 0:22:27.200 --> 0:22:28.920 I'm ready to talk about mine. Let me know when 0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:33.000 you're ready to listen. Right, So, here are some questions 0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:35.639 for date number two to respect their values. Who's the 0:22:35.680 --> 0:22:40.520 most fascinating person you've ever met? Right, shows you what 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:44.320 their value without even asking them their values. What's the 0:22:44.359 --> 0:22:47.320 most out of character thing you've ever done or would 0:22:47.400 --> 0:22:50.320 like to do? Great question, because it makes you go, 0:22:50.400 --> 0:22:52.760