Speaker 1: Often what happens in relationships is we don't ask enough
Speaker 1: interesting questions to our partners. And that's why our partners
Speaker 1: can feel boring because we stopped asking interesting questions. And
Speaker 1: I really feel there's always another, deeper, more intimate, more
Speaker 1: powerful question that we can ask to our partners when
Speaker 1: you're learning these new things about each other, right when
Speaker 1: you're having those moments of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
Speaker 1: I have loved seeing all your stats from Spotify wrapped
Speaker 1: through to the Apple Listening, through to any platform, one, stitcho,
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to on Purpose. I've loved seeing how
Speaker 1: many hours, how many weeks, and many months and many
Speaker 1: years you spend listening to the podcast here. I'm so
Speaker 1: deeply grateful to you. I mean it. I bump into
Speaker 1: so many of you on hikes and walks and shops
Speaker 1: and whatever it may be throughout the week, and whenever
Speaker 1: you come and say you listen it on Purpose and
Speaker 1: you overheard my voice in story or something, it really
Speaker 1: fills my heart up and I just want you to
Speaker 1: know how much it matters to me and how much
Speaker 1: it means to me. I don't take it for granted.
Speaker 1: I don't see it as normal. I see it as beautiful.
Speaker 1: And if you listen here, you know me, you understand me.
Speaker 1: And I'm really excited right now because I'm sitting here
Speaker 1: with the first copy of my new book that I've received,
Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love. And it's such a beautiful moment
Speaker 1: when you've worked on something for two years to see
Speaker 1: it come to life. And I can't wait for you
Speaker 1: to read this book. This book has so many tools,
Speaker 1: so many frameworks, meditations, reflections that are going to support
Speaker 1: you in your journey towards loving yourself, loving others, and
Speaker 1: then loving the world too. And I wanted to give
Speaker 1: you a quick sneak peek. I know that so many
Speaker 1: of already, tens of thousands of you have ordered it.
Speaker 1: If you haven't already, please preorder it at eight Rules
Speaker 1: of Love dot com. It really helps authors when you
Speaker 1: pre order, because then the book stores realize that this
Speaker 1: is exciting, people are excited, and they make sure that
Speaker 1: we don't run out a week one. So I'm very
Speaker 1: excited for the book to be in your hands as
Speaker 1: it is in mind right now, hopefully you can hear it.
Speaker 1: That's me flicked through the book. But I wanted to
Speaker 1: share something that this book is not made up of
Speaker 1: things I've said before or interconnected. It's it's a lot
Speaker 1: of new content, new ideas, new thoughts, formulated through my
Speaker 1: coaching work, formulated by working with clients, formulated by ancient
Speaker 1: wisdom and modern science being paired up. And today I
Speaker 1: wanted to share with you a concept, a sneak peak
Speaker 1: from something in the book. And it's because I feel
Speaker 1: like we always hear how the key to relationships, the
Speaker 1: key to a healthy relationship is communication, but often we're thinking, well,
Speaker 1: what do we talk about? Right? What is it that
Speaker 1: we should be talking about? And in the book, I
Speaker 1: create something called the three date rule, and I believe
Speaker 1: that these are three dates that every couple has to
Speaker 1: go on. They're not three dates that have to happen
Speaker 1: as your first three dates. They're not three dates that
Speaker 1: have to follow each other. They're just three really important
Speaker 1: conversations that need to happen in a relationship in order
Speaker 1: to protect, create and build love. I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us feel that avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, avoiding uncomfortable
Speaker 1: situations is the root to a healthy relationship. I think
Speaker 1: it's what we've learned from the media, it's what we've
Speaker 1: probably been told by errands, it's probably what we've seen also,
Speaker 1: because if you grew up in an environment where there
Speaker 1: was always conflict, where there was always fighting and arguing,
Speaker 1: we become so averse to that, not realizing that maybe
Speaker 1: we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it as
Speaker 1: opposed to a healthy version of it. Right, So so
Speaker 1: often we don't realize that there can be healthy debate
Speaker 1: and disagreement, and there can be unhealthy debate and disagreement.
Speaker 1: I remember I was Okay, now you get to realize
Speaker 1: what a dog I am. I used to be on
Speaker 1: my high schools debate team. Yes, that's right, I said it.
Speaker 1: I was on my high school's debate team. You can
Speaker 1: think whatever you want to think. I learned some really
Speaker 1: good skills. So I was on my high schools debate team.
Speaker 1: And at the time, you know, when I was a teenager,
Speaker 1: I was one of those people that just love to
Speaker 1: win for winning's sake, and often when I would debate,
Speaker 1: I would find the key argument of my side, or
Speaker 1: I'd find the key floor in the other side, and
Speaker 1: I would go for it, and and I would often win
Speaker 1: my debating coach at school. I had a debate in coach. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's right, and I know you're laughing. It's fine. He
Speaker 1: said something to me that really is stuck with me.
Speaker 1: He said to me that, Jay, I know that you win,
Speaker 1: but he said that do you want to win the
Speaker 1: debate with the other person or do you want to
Speaker 1: learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind?
Speaker 1: And That's been some of the most profound statement that
Speaker 1: I've ever heard. He was like, do you want to
Speaker 1: know how to make sense of internal debates, an internal
Speaker 1: conflict that you have, or do you just want to
Speaker 1: beat the other person? He said to me that if
Speaker 1: you truly truly want to learn how to debate, you
Speaker 1: should know the opposing side stance as well as you
Speaker 1: know your own. Most people who know how to debate,
Speaker 1: they deeply understand their approach and then they understand the
Speaker 1: flaws of the opposite side. But he was giving me
Speaker 1: this fresh perspective that if you really wanted to learn
Speaker 1: how to win inner battles, inner conflict, in a debate,
Speaker 1: then actually knowing both sides deeply, Understanding both sides more
Speaker 1: deeply made you far better at debating, and now, no
Speaker 1: matter the outcome, you'd actually won internally. So the reason
Speaker 1: I'm sharing this is I learned that there was a
Speaker 1: healthier form of debate. I learned that there was a
Speaker 1: healthier form of managing conflict, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: I was really excited and inspired to learn. Now I'm
Speaker 1: taking that from debate at school into our relationships. If
Speaker 1: we've only ever seen bad arguments, if we've only seen abusive,
Speaker 1: toxic language, it's very hard for us to want to
Speaker 1: walk in to a debate or a disagree and figure
Speaker 1: out how to do it healthily. So I want to
Speaker 1: encourage you world to have uncomfortable conversations. I want to
Speaker 1: encourage you all to have challenging conversations in a safe space,
Speaker 1: setting the environment first of learning and growing. These conversations
Speaker 1: that I'm encouraging you to have are not fights, they're
Speaker 1: not disagreements, they're not debates. They're actually encouraging you to
Speaker 1: learn and grow. When we get into a relationship, we
Speaker 1: often see it as a space for enjoyment and pleasure.
Speaker 1: We want to enjoy the other person. We want to
Speaker 1: please the other person. That's what a relationship can be like.
Speaker 1: And often as time goes on, we realize that the
Speaker 1: enjoyment can drop and we can stop having the desire
Speaker 1: to please them. But that's where the learning and growing
Speaker 1: needs to start. And learning and growing has something more
Speaker 1: beautiful to share than just enjoying and pleasing and learning
Speaker 1: is the missing link between like and love. If we
Speaker 1: want to move from like to love, there's learning right
Speaker 1: in between. So these three dates, these three sets of questions,
Speaker 1: the sneak peak I'm giving you from eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love is a technique I set up to help you understand.
Speaker 1: So the first thing that we want to learn in
Speaker 1: the first date is their personality, because it's the easiest
Speaker 1: thing to spot, understand and connect with. Do we like
Speaker 1: their personality? Do we enjoy their company? Do we like
Speaker 1: being around them? Notice how these are all different questions.
Speaker 1: Often the questions we're asking is do they like me?
Speaker 1: Do they think I'm interesting? Do they think I'm hot, cool? Whatever?
Speaker 1: It may be? Right, we're not sitting there going Do
Speaker 1: I enjoy their company? Is this bringing out the best
Speaker 1: in me? Do I believe that their personality allows me
Speaker 1: to share my personality. Now I read an incredible study
Speaker 1: that I have to share with you because I really
Speaker 1: wanted to inform how you do this stage. As you
Speaker 1: know in my book in my podcast, I get very specific,
Speaker 1: I get scientific, I share studies, I share practical tactical tools,
Speaker 1: which is the difference here. We're not just talking about ideas.
Speaker 1: We're talking about insights that can transform your life. And
Speaker 1: this study showed that for someone to be seen as
Speaker 1: a casual connection, we have to spend forty hours with them.
Speaker 1: Forty hours makes someone a casual connection in our lives.
Speaker 1: Mind blowing. The study goes on to say a hundred
Speaker 1: hours makes someone a good friend, not a best friend,
Speaker 1: or a great friend, a good friend, and the study
Speaker 1: concludes that two hundred hours of time spent with someone
Speaker 1: makes them a great friend, a deep friend, an intimate friend.
Speaker 1: The question you have to ask yourself when you're dating
Speaker 1: or when you're with someone, is am I curious to
Speaker 1: spend two hundred hours with this person? Am I intrigued?
Speaker 1: Do I like who I'm becoming? I think one of
Speaker 1: the biggest questions, and this is one of the biggest
Speaker 1: myths out there that I want to bust. And I
Speaker 1: want you to share this with all your friends because
Speaker 1: I know they're hearing this. So many people are hearing
Speaker 1: the advice. Make a list of what you want in someone.
Speaker 1: That's when you'll know you found the one. Make a list.
Speaker 1: When you make a list of exactly what you want
Speaker 1: and manifest it. Make a list you want them to
Speaker 1: be tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, pretty, beautiful, whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. Make a list. That's what people say. I'm
Speaker 1: here to tell you that that list can often limit
Speaker 1: you away from love. The list I want you to
Speaker 1: make is how will you be the best version of
Speaker 1: you in love? How will you know you're in love
Speaker 1: because the best of you will come out? What does
Speaker 1: it look like when you're at your best? How do
Speaker 1: you feel when you're at your best? Is that how
Speaker 1: you want to feel in love? That's what you're looking for.
Speaker 1: You're looking to feel those things because guess what, Otherwise
Speaker 1: someone might be kind, they might be funny, they might
Speaker 1: check everything off that list, and you still won't feel
Speaker 1: how you want to feel. So start with what is
Speaker 1: it that you will feel, not what they'll make you feel.
Speaker 1: How do you think you will behave How do you
Speaker 1: think you will act in a healthy relationship? What do
Speaker 1: you think will be brought out of you when you're
Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship. That is a much better metric.
Speaker 1: That is a much better measure for how you'll know
Speaker 1: you'll be with the right person, because often we're able
Speaker 1: to be a different person for forty hours. Maybe we
Speaker 1: might even be good enough to be someone else for
Speaker 1: a hundred hours, But you can't pretend to be someone
Speaker 1: for over two hundred hours, or if you've tried to
Speaker 1: be really tough, be really challenging. And so I don't
Speaker 1: want you to pretend to be someone you don't want
Speaker 1: to be for two hundred hours, because you have something
Speaker 1: more to offer than that. So I don't want you
Speaker 1: to make the list of what you want in a partner.
Speaker 1: And I also don't want you to make the list
Speaker 1: of like who you're going to be in a relationship. It, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be loving, I'm gonna be this, I'm
Speaker 1: going to become everything that's good too. But I want
Speaker 1: you to go to step further and go, how do
Speaker 1: I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I
Speaker 1: act when I'm at my best? If I feel like
Speaker 1: someone's bringing the best out of me, what does that
Speaker 1: look like? What will that feel like like? I know
Speaker 1: that I would be driven towards my purpose. I would
Speaker 1: feel energized daily. I would feel happy in the morning
Speaker 1: and evening to be with them. I would be excited
Speaker 1: to see them. I would feel comfortable opening my heart
Speaker 1: and talking about what I'm really going through. I would
Speaker 1: be patient if they're really important to me. That list
Speaker 1: is going to transform how you view the potential partner
Speaker 1: you're or the partner you're dating right now. So the
Speaker 1: first date is do you have fun together? Do you
Speaker 1: enjoy each other's company? Remember this isn't your first date chronologically.
Speaker 1: It's a date that needs to happen in your mind.
Speaker 1: Does conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes
Speaker 1: you uncomfortable? That is an important question. What about your
Speaker 1: partner makes you feel uncomfortable? And asking yourself before you
Speaker 1: challenge them on it, before you poke it out and
Speaker 1: put it out in front of them, asking yourself, why
Speaker 1: does it make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable because of trigger you have from your parents?
Speaker 1: Does it make you feel uncomfortable because of something you've
Speaker 1: adopted or is it important to you. Often our rage
Speaker 1: or anger or frustration with our partner is adopted from
Speaker 1: our parents. If our parents found something annoying about their partner,
Speaker 1: we can often find the same thing annoying about our partners.
Speaker 1: I know someone whose mum was always upset that their
Speaker 1: dad came home late from work. Now the person I
Speaker 1: know really loves their partner and loves how hard they work.
Speaker 1: But in the beginning they used to get triggered and
Speaker 1: they'd be like, why do you always come home late?
Speaker 1: And the partner would say, well, you know what I've
Speaker 1: been working on. We talked about it, like I thought,
Speaker 1: I thought we were really aware that we're committed that
Speaker 1: this year we're really working hardest so we can save
Speaker 1: up so that we can move into a bigger place.
Speaker 1: And they'd be fine with that answer. That would connect
Speaker 1: with them. That's how they felt too, But there was
Speaker 1: still this internal trigger that was pushing them there. So
Speaker 1: when we find or discover our uncomfortability, we first want
Speaker 1: to ask where is that coming for us? Is it
Speaker 1: really true to us? If the answer is yes, like
Speaker 1: this is actually an issue for me personally, this is
Speaker 1: something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me raise that
Speaker 1: the first day is to find out if you really
Speaker 1: enjoy each other's personalities. And I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: some questions that I think are beautiful to ask in
Speaker 1: a first day. What's something you love to do? Most
Speaker 1: people have never asked this question. Do you have a
Speaker 1: favorite place? And why? Why? Is as important as what
Speaker 1: is there a book or a movie you've read or
Speaker 1: seen more than once? I loved this question. It says
Speaker 1: so much about them, You learn so much about them.
Speaker 1: And that's the key here, right Like love is learning,
Speaker 1: learning is love. If you love someone, you want to
Speaker 1: learn about them. I remember that I was traveling recently
Speaker 1: and different groups of people came up to me and
Speaker 1: we were taking pictures and talking. They listened to the
Speaker 1: podcast and they've read Thinks like a Monk, and they
Speaker 1: were saying how excited they are for the next book,
Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff was going on, and
Speaker 1: there are a few people who had no clue who
Speaker 1: I was, right, like, no idea, no idea. And then
Speaker 1: they came up to me and then they were like,
Speaker 1: what do you do? Like you know? And then they
Speaker 1: asked for a pick to two bucks, like you don't
Speaker 1: know who I ad like, you don't know what I do?
Speaker 1: This is really weird. But they were like, what do
Speaker 1: you do? And it was really interesting that because they
Speaker 1: saw people show me love, they wanted to learn about me.
Speaker 1: And that's what I think is really interesting. I'm just
Speaker 1: taking that as an idea that if you love someone,
Speaker 1: or if you want to love someone, learning about them
Speaker 1: and continuing to learn about them is so key to
Speaker 1: a relationship. And often what happens in relationships is relationship
Speaker 1: has become old old, which means you've had an old
Speaker 1: relationship and you only know the things you knew about
Speaker 1: them ten twenty years ago. If you got that friend
Speaker 1: where they thank you for the same thing over and
Speaker 1: over and over again from like twenty years ago, or
Speaker 1: your only memory that you ever talk about is from school,
Speaker 1: you haven't made any new memories. That's an old old relationship.
Speaker 1: I want you to have new old relationships, which is
Speaker 1: you're learning new things about someone who's been in your
Speaker 1: life for a long time. When you're learning those new
Speaker 1: things about each other, right when you're having those moments
Speaker 1: of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. This is a
Speaker 1: great question. What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment.
Speaker 1: What's something you wish you knew more about. I love
Speaker 1: this question because no matter how long you've been with
Speaker 1: someone I did. This was rather the other day we
Speaker 1: were both trying to pick books we want to read.
Speaker 1: Actually we weren't. We're actually having this conversation, and I
Speaker 1: was like, what is it that we want to know
Speaker 1: more about? And she asked me, Actually, she was like,
Speaker 1: do you know any books in this area? And I
Speaker 1: started amazoning books for her and sending her stuff and
Speaker 1: got it all wrong, and she knew what you wanted
Speaker 1: to read. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: what do I want to read about this holiday season?
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna, you know, be traveling, you have some downtime,
Speaker 1: Like I want to read something, I want to learn something.
Speaker 1: What's the best meal you've ever had? I loved that conversation,
Speaker 1: especially if you're with a foodie, as my wife is.
Speaker 1: So these are not interview questions, right. This isn't a
Speaker 1: conversation where you're interviewing and interrogating. You're also sharing, You're
Speaker 1: also revealing, So make sure you have your answers ready
Speaker 1: as well, and use it as a point of starting
Speaker 1: healthier conversations. I think we don't ask enough interesting questions
Speaker 1: to our partners, and that's why our partners can feel
Speaker 1: boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I
Speaker 1: really feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful
Speaker 1: question that we can ask to our partners. Okay, Date
Speaker 1: two again, This could happen at any point, and this
Speaker 1: one is all about whether you respect their values. I
Speaker 1: am a huge, huge proponent of values. Everyone has values,
Speaker 1: whether they know it or not. And our genuine, realist
Speaker 1: values are where we spend our time, where we spend
Speaker 1: our money, and where we spend our energy. We may
Speaker 1: think we have different values. That is our value of
Speaker 1: where we spend that. Now, you may have a reason
Speaker 1: why you spend your time there, way why you spend
Speaker 1: your money there, That underpins that as your deeper value.
Speaker 1: But we have to be really honest about It's not
Speaker 1: just about intention, it's about where our actions are with
Speaker 1: our values as well. When I talk about respecting your
Speaker 1: partner's values, there's something really interesting here because a lot
Speaker 1: of the times we like their personality, but we don't
Speaker 1: respect their values. We would like their values to change.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we would like them to value what we value.
Speaker 1: If you want your partner to value what you value,
Speaker 1: you are devaluing them. If you want your partner to
Speaker 1: love what you love as much as you love it,
Speaker 1: they're going to feel that they don't have time to
Speaker 1: love what they want to love. Your partner doesn't have
Speaker 1: to love what you love. They have to love the
Speaker 1: way you love it. That's the key, right. Your partner
Speaker 1: doesn't have to love what you love, they have to
Speaker 1: love the way you love it. So, when I think
Speaker 1: about RADI loves food, I like food. I enjoy it.
Speaker 1: I can't love food the way RADI does, but I
Speaker 1: can love the way she loves it. I love the
Speaker 1: way she gets excited about sharing any recipe with me.
Speaker 1: I love the way she makes videos and talks about food.
Speaker 1: I love the way so I love what she does
Speaker 1: with it. Similarly, Radi doesn't love what I do as
Speaker 1: much as I do. She can't, it's not her value system.
Speaker 1: But she loves me for loving it. She loves how
Speaker 1: I feel when I'm teaching and guiding and coaching and
Speaker 1: all the work that I do. And so I really
Speaker 1: want to help you understand that respecting someone's values is
Speaker 1: asking yourself do I like how this person operates in
Speaker 1: the world. Can I appreciate why they operate that way?
Speaker 1: And that's often the question of like, you may not
Speaker 1: be able to respect someone's value before you understand why
Speaker 1: they value it, right, Like, that's the key, Like, you
Speaker 1: can't just respect someone's value because you're respect person. You
Speaker 1: respect someone's value because you understand deeply why they're so
Speaker 1: committed to it. And often in our partnerships, we don't
Speaker 1: understand why deeply, because our partners may not understand why
Speaker 1: they deeply are connected to it. So you can gently
Speaker 1: encourage your partners share meaningful stories and details about their life.
Speaker 1: Take turns with these questions and make sure again that
Speaker 1: it's not an interview in fact, that they hesitate over
Speaker 1: a question. You might say, I know it's a hard question,
Speaker 1: I'll go first, right, Like, I think that's the part.
Speaker 1: Often our partners have an answer and we say, oh, well,
Speaker 1: that's the end of the conversation. It has to be
Speaker 1: self disclosure as well, right Escalating self disclosure is a
Speaker 1: really important trul and it's a slow build. Sometimes when
Speaker 1: we're ready to share, we think it's the right time
Speaker 1: for them to open up as well. But people do
Speaker 1: this at their own pace, in their own time. Ask
Speaker 1: questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge. If
Speaker 1: the person is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject,
Speaker 1: asking is this too heavier topic or would you rather
Speaker 1: not go there right now? I think I think that's
Speaker 1: the caveats that are needed, right, like, if you're forcing
Speaker 1: your partner in a direction versus encouraging them. And by
Speaker 1: the way, I literally would have this with rather all
Speaker 1: the time. I'll say, hey, that was a good time
Speaker 1: to talk about you know, your goals for twenty twenty three?
Speaker 1: Do you want to talk about And you're like, no, no, no, Jay, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about right now, right and
Speaker 1: and that's beautiful. I can't force it. And I may say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm ready to talk about mine. Let me know when
Speaker 1: you're ready to listen. Right, So, here are some questions
Speaker 1: for date number two to respect their values. Who's the
Speaker 1: most fascinating person you've ever met? Right, shows you what
Speaker 1: their value without even asking them their values. What's the
Speaker 1: most out of character thing you've ever done or would
Speaker 1: like to do? Great question, because it makes you go,
Speaker 1: oh if that's out of character that's not their character.
Speaker 1: Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life?
Speaker 1: How did you deal with it? If you won the lottery,
Speaker 1: what would you spend the money on? I think that's
Speaker 1: a real value driver. Notice I'm giving you questions where
Speaker 1: you're not just sitting down and going what are your value?
Speaker 1: What are your values? Right? Because that can be uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is
Speaker 1: a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What
Speaker 1: makes you proud? The big one? What makes you proud
Speaker 1: is usually what you value and what would you do
Speaker 1: if you had enough money to not need a job?
Speaker 1: Shows you what they value, and these values are things
Speaker 1: you respect, things you remind them of. They're things that
Speaker 1: you can continue to use to grow that relationship. It's
Speaker 1: information and insight that you can remind that person of
Speaker 1: when they're losing passion, when your partner's losing interest, when
Speaker 1: they've lost a bit of steam. These are the things
Speaker 1: that you remind them of. You're not just giving them
Speaker 1: random advice or maybe you should do this, or maybe
Speaker 1: you should do this. My friend did this and it
Speaker 1: helped them know what were their values that they've lost?
Speaker 1: Connection to it helps you become a better partner, and
Speaker 1: it helps you know whether they're the right partner for you.
Speaker 1: You're never going to have the same values as someone exactly.
Speaker 1: You're never going to want to spend your time in
Speaker 1: exactly the same ways or do exactly the same things.
Speaker 1: Can you respect why your partner wants to do what
Speaker 1: they want to do? Can you find the middle ground
Speaker 1: being flexible with each other, flexible and adaptability towards why.
Speaker 1: Like Radley and I love spending time relaxing sometimes on
Speaker 1: a beach, and I also like doing activities rather likes
Speaker 1: doing activities sometimes and she can be pretty happy doing
Speaker 1: almost anything. And we realize that when we go on vacation,
Speaker 1: we do one day activity, one day rest of the hotel,
Speaker 1: one day activity, one day rest of the hotel, and
Speaker 1: that became a system and a rhythm that we use
Speaker 1: in order to respect her values. She knows I need
Speaker 1: to sleep and relax sometimes. I know that she will
Speaker 1: go with the flow and she's open to new ideas,
Speaker 1: but she also wants to have a good time and
Speaker 1: be active. Right. I know that Raley will never trade
Speaker 1: on a workout every day. It's a big part of
Speaker 1: her mental health routine, so I know she's not going
Speaker 1: to do that, So I will never plan a meeting
Speaker 1: around Joyo. Oh, by the way, thank you for all
Speaker 1: the love for Joyo. Anyone who's in LA who's supporting
Speaker 1: Joyo Air one, I'm so grateful, and we are trying
Speaker 1: to get it across the country. So we're working on
Speaker 1: that everyone else. But I would never plan a Joyo
Speaker 1: meeting during rad They's workout because I know how much
Speaker 1: that's a non negotiable for her. And I may change
Speaker 1: my workout to go to a work thing because I
Speaker 1: value my purpose as well deeply, But that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I'm expecting that off my partner. I'm not saying, Wow,
Speaker 1: you don't value it enough. Right, You're finding the right
Speaker 1: time to do things around both of your values, and
Speaker 1: often we just want people to change their values and
Speaker 1: value what we value. Okay, Date number three. Date three
Speaker 1: should occur when it feels natural to share some of
Speaker 1: your ideas for the future. Just as you don't need
Speaker 1: to share the same values, you don't need to have
Speaker 1: the same goals. One of you might have your whole
Speaker 1: life mapped out me and the other might still be
Speaker 1: exploring rather gives their life meaning. On date three, you
Speaker 1: can try out some deeper questions, such as the ones
Speaker 1: listed below, and I'm going to share them with you now.
Speaker 1: But before I do that, this is all about am
Speaker 1: I committed to helping you achieve your goals? That's the question.
Speaker 1: That's the difference between love and friendship. In friendship, you
Speaker 1: support your friends goals, But in a relationship, you're committed
Speaker 1: to helping your partner achieve their goals. You want to
Speaker 1: see them get there all the way. You're going to
Speaker 1: be there helping them get there all the way, and
Speaker 1: so you have to know what their goals are. I
Speaker 1: think this also applies to things like kids. I know
Speaker 1: so many couples who've been together for like three to
Speaker 1: five years before they talk about kids, only to realize
Speaker 1: their partner doesn't want kids at all, and they really
Speaker 1: want kids. That conversation could have been had a long
Speaker 1: time before. And I'm not saying you would have not
Speaker 1: been with that person. It's just having an uncomfortable conversation
Speaker 1: without the emotions of five years. It's a lot easier
Speaker 1: in the first five months. Even if it feels awkward
Speaker 1: in five months, I promise you it's more awkward in
Speaker 1: five years when you realize your partner doesn't want a child,
Speaker 1: and now you're thinking, wow, if I waste the time?
Speaker 1: Do I need to change? What do I do right?
Speaker 1: And so conversations like do you have a dream you'd
Speaker 1: like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment?
Speaker 1: What would you like to change about your life if
Speaker 1: you could meet anyone? Who would it be? Is there
Speaker 1: a single moment or experience that change your life? And
Speaker 1: looking towards the future, is there something that you think
Speaker 1: I don't know that you might want to do in
Speaker 1: like ten years time that is really important to you.
Speaker 1: I think that we often think about questions like what's
Speaker 1: your plan for the future, right, And it's like, it's
Speaker 1: not a plan, it's learning about someone's goals where they
Speaker 1: see themselves, what they want to do. That will very
Speaker 1: well give you so much more insight in a relationship.
Speaker 1: And the question we're asking is not do I like
Speaker 1: their goals or do I want to change their goals?
Speaker 1: Is do I want to help them get there? Do
Speaker 1: I think that that's beautiful? Do I think this is
Speaker 1: a beautiful person who has beautiful goals? And do I
Speaker 1: want to help them get there, and their goals don't
Speaker 1: have to be big. Their goals don't have to be
Speaker 1: to a billion dollar company, their goals don't have to
Speaker 1: be to save a city or a country like their
Speaker 1: goal doesn't have to be that right. I think we
Speaker 1: think about goals and achievements as these big, overarching things.
Speaker 1: Their goal could be simpler. And it's not about the
Speaker 1: complexity of the simplicity. It's about whether you want to
Speaker 1: help them get there. So those are three dates, three
Speaker 1: conversations that I deeply, deeply, deeply want you to have
Speaker 1: in your relationship. And don't avoid these even if they're uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: even if they feel awkward, find a healthy way. And
Speaker 1: that's the key thing here. Don't raise them as interrogations,
Speaker 1: don't raise them as interventions, don't raise them as accusations.
Speaker 1: Raise them with affection, raise them with intimacy, raise them
Speaker 1: with connection. Thank you so much for being here, Thank
Speaker 1: you for being here for twenty twenty two. I promise
Speaker 1: you twenty twenty three is going to be an even
Speaker 1: better year for on Purpose. This year was unbelievable, the
Speaker 1: gross with incredible, Your support's been phenomenal. But next year
Speaker 1: we'll be going to another level, and I hope you're
Speaker 1: going to join me. I hope you're gonna be with me.
Speaker 1: I want you to have an amazing holiday season. And
Speaker 1: we're not stopping. You know, On Purpose is on twice
Speaker 1: a week, every week all year around. You get one
Speaker 1: hundred and four episodes a year in fifty two week year.
Speaker 1: We don't stop. And we've got a whole catalog now
Speaker 1: of three and a half years of contents. You've got
Speaker 1: over three hundred episodes to listen to to catch up
Speaker 1: if you haven't already. Thank you for being here. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you. I'll see you soon.