1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,880 Speaker 1: Often what happens in relationships is we don't ask enough 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:07,320 Speaker 1: interesting questions to our partners. And that's why our partners 3 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 1: can feel boring because we stopped asking interesting questions. And 4 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:15,040 Speaker 1: I really feel there's always another, deeper, more intimate, more 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: powerful question that we can ask to our partners when 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: you're learning these new things about each other, right when 7 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 1: you're having those moments of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. Hey, everyone, 8 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,879 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 9 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,120 Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of 10 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:42,200 Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. 11 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 1: I have loved seeing all your stats from Spotify wrapped 12 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: through to the Apple Listening, through to any platform, one, stitcho, 13 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to on Purpose. I've loved seeing how 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: many hours, how many weeks, and many months and many 15 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,160 Speaker 1: years you spend listening to the podcast here. I'm so 16 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: deeply grateful to you. I mean it. I bump into 17 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: so many of you on hikes and walks and shops 18 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,480 Speaker 1: and whatever it may be throughout the week, and whenever 19 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: you come and say you listen it on Purpose and 20 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 1: you overheard my voice in story or something, it really 21 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,760 Speaker 1: fills my heart up and I just want you to 22 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,319 Speaker 1: know how much it matters to me and how much 23 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,480 Speaker 1: it means to me. I don't take it for granted. 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,480 Speaker 1: I don't see it as normal. I see it as beautiful. 25 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: And if you listen here, you know me, you understand me. 26 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,680 Speaker 1: And I'm really excited right now because I'm sitting here 27 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: with the first copy of my new book that I've received, 28 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:41,040 Speaker 1: Eight Rules of Love. And it's such a beautiful moment 29 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 1: when you've worked on something for two years to see 30 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,640 Speaker 1: it come to life. And I can't wait for you 31 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 1: to read this book. This book has so many tools, 32 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 1: so many frameworks, meditations, reflections that are going to support 33 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,920 Speaker 1: you in your journey towards loving yourself, loving others, and 34 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:05,680 Speaker 1: then loving the world too. And I wanted to give 35 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: you a quick sneak peek. I know that so many 36 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: of already, tens of thousands of you have ordered it. 37 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: If you haven't already, please preorder it at eight Rules 38 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,639 Speaker 1: of Love dot com. It really helps authors when you 39 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: pre order, because then the book stores realize that this 40 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 1: is exciting, people are excited, and they make sure that 41 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: we don't run out a week one. So I'm very 42 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,919 Speaker 1: excited for the book to be in your hands as 43 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: it is in mind right now, hopefully you can hear it. 44 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: That's me flicked through the book. But I wanted to 45 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 1: share something that this book is not made up of 46 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 1: things I've said before or interconnected. It's it's a lot 47 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,920 Speaker 1: of new content, new ideas, new thoughts, formulated through my 48 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:51,200 Speaker 1: coaching work, formulated by working with clients, formulated by ancient 49 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 1: wisdom and modern science being paired up. And today I 50 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 1: wanted to share with you a concept, a sneak peak 51 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: from something in the book. And it's because I feel 52 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,079 Speaker 1: like we always hear how the key to relationships, the 53 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: key to a healthy relationship is communication, but often we're thinking, well, 54 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: what do we talk about? Right? What is it that 55 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,080 Speaker 1: we should be talking about? And in the book, I 56 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 1: create something called the three date rule, and I believe 57 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 1: that these are three dates that every couple has to 58 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: go on. They're not three dates that have to happen 59 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 1: as your first three dates. They're not three dates that 60 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: have to follow each other. They're just three really important 61 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 1: conversations that need to happen in a relationship in order 62 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:43,840 Speaker 1: to protect, create and build love. I think a lot 63 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: of us feel that avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, avoiding uncomfortable 64 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: situations is the root to a healthy relationship. I think 65 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: it's what we've learned from the media, it's what we've 66 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: probably been told by errands, it's probably what we've seen also, 67 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: because if you grew up in an environment where there 68 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 1: was always conflict, where there was always fighting and arguing, 69 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: we become so averse to that, not realizing that maybe 70 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it as 71 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: opposed to a healthy version of it. Right, So so 72 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: often we don't realize that there can be healthy debate 73 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: and disagreement, and there can be unhealthy debate and disagreement. 74 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 1: I remember I was Okay, now you get to realize 75 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: what a dog I am. I used to be on 76 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: my high schools debate team. Yes, that's right, I said it. 77 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,360 Speaker 1: I was on my high school's debate team. You can 78 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: think whatever you want to think. I learned some really 79 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: good skills. So I was on my high schools debate team. 80 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 1: And at the time, you know, when I was a teenager, 81 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: I was one of those people that just love to 82 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,799 Speaker 1: win for winning's sake, and often when I would debate, 83 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,480 Speaker 1: I would find the key argument of my side, or 84 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: I'd find the key floor in the other side, and 85 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: I would go for it, and and I would often win 86 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: my debating coach at school. I had a debate in coach. Yes, 87 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: that's right, and I know you're laughing. It's fine. He 88 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: said something to me that really is stuck with me. 89 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: He said to me that, Jay, I know that you win, 90 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:22,960 Speaker 1: but he said that do you want to win the 91 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 1: debate with the other person or do you want to 92 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind? 93 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 1: And That's been some of the most profound statement that 94 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: I've ever heard. He was like, do you want to 95 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: know how to make sense of internal debates, an internal 96 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 1: conflict that you have, or do you just want to 97 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: beat the other person? He said to me that if 98 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:54,360 Speaker 1: you truly truly want to learn how to debate, you 99 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: should know the opposing side stance as well as you 100 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: know your own. Most people who know how to debate, 101 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 1: they deeply understand their approach and then they understand the 102 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,640 Speaker 1: flaws of the opposite side. But he was giving me 103 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,719 Speaker 1: this fresh perspective that if you really wanted to learn 104 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:17,720 Speaker 1: how to win inner battles, inner conflict, in a debate, 105 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:22,040 Speaker 1: then actually knowing both sides deeply, Understanding both sides more 106 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: deeply made you far better at debating, and now, no 107 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: matter the outcome, you'd actually won internally. So the reason 108 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 1: I'm sharing this is I learned that there was a 109 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,120 Speaker 1: healthier form of debate. I learned that there was a 110 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,719 Speaker 1: healthier form of managing conflict, and all of a sudden, 111 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:46,280 Speaker 1: I was really excited and inspired to learn. Now I'm 112 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: taking that from debate at school into our relationships. If 113 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,600 Speaker 1: we've only ever seen bad arguments, if we've only seen abusive, 114 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,840 Speaker 1: toxic language, it's very hard for us to want to 115 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 1: walk in to a debate or a disagree and figure 116 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:05,719 Speaker 1: out how to do it healthily. So I want to 117 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 1: encourage you world to have uncomfortable conversations. I want to 118 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: encourage you all to have challenging conversations in a safe space, 119 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:20,520 Speaker 1: setting the environment first of learning and growing. These conversations 120 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: that I'm encouraging you to have are not fights, they're 121 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: not disagreements, they're not debates. They're actually encouraging you to 122 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: learn and grow. When we get into a relationship, we 123 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: often see it as a space for enjoyment and pleasure. 124 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: We want to enjoy the other person. We want to 125 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,200 Speaker 1: please the other person. That's what a relationship can be like. 126 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,720 Speaker 1: And often as time goes on, we realize that the 127 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 1: enjoyment can drop and we can stop having the desire 128 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 1: to please them. But that's where the learning and growing 129 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: needs to start. And learning and growing has something more 130 00:07:54,680 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: beautiful to share than just enjoying and pleasing and learning 131 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: is the missing link between like and love. If we 132 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: want to move from like to love, there's learning right 133 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: in between. So these three dates, these three sets of questions, 134 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: the sneak peak I'm giving you from eight Rules of 135 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: Love is a technique I set up to help you understand. 136 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:21,520 Speaker 1: So the first thing that we want to learn in 137 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: the first date is their personality, because it's the easiest 138 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,440 Speaker 1: thing to spot, understand and connect with. Do we like 139 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:35,080 Speaker 1: their personality? Do we enjoy their company? Do we like 140 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 1: being around them? Notice how these are all different questions. 141 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 1: Often the questions we're asking is do they like me? 142 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: Do they think I'm interesting? Do they think I'm hot, cool? Whatever? 143 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 1: It may be? Right, we're not sitting there going Do 144 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: I enjoy their company? Is this bringing out the best 145 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 1: in me? Do I believe that their personality allows me 146 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,840 Speaker 1: to share my personality. Now I read an incredible study 147 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: that I have to share with you because I really 148 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,080 Speaker 1: wanted to inform how you do this stage. As you 149 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,680 Speaker 1: know in my book in my podcast, I get very specific, 150 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 1: I get scientific, I share studies, I share practical tactical tools, 151 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: which is the difference here. We're not just talking about ideas. 152 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,199 Speaker 1: We're talking about insights that can transform your life. And 153 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: this study showed that for someone to be seen as 154 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 1: a casual connection, we have to spend forty hours with them. 155 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 1: Forty hours makes someone a casual connection in our lives. 156 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: Mind blowing. The study goes on to say a hundred 157 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: hours makes someone a good friend, not a best friend, 158 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,120 Speaker 1: or a great friend, a good friend, and the study 159 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,080 Speaker 1: concludes that two hundred hours of time spent with someone 160 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:54,560 Speaker 1: makes them a great friend, a deep friend, an intimate friend. 161 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 1: The question you have to ask yourself when you're dating 162 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: or when you're with someone, is am I curious to 163 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: spend two hundred hours with this person? Am I intrigued? 164 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,120 Speaker 1: Do I like who I'm becoming? I think one of 165 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: the biggest questions, and this is one of the biggest 166 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,400 Speaker 1: myths out there that I want to bust. And I 167 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,600 Speaker 1: want you to share this with all your friends because 168 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,640 Speaker 1: I know they're hearing this. So many people are hearing 169 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 1: the advice. Make a list of what you want in someone. 170 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 1: That's when you'll know you found the one. Make a list. 171 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 1: When you make a list of exactly what you want 172 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,199 Speaker 1: and manifest it. Make a list you want them to 173 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: be tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, pretty, beautiful, whatever it 174 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: may be. Make a list. That's what people say. I'm 175 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,960 Speaker 1: here to tell you that that list can often limit 176 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,720 Speaker 1: you away from love. The list I want you to 177 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:49,080 Speaker 1: make is how will you be the best version of 178 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: you in love? How will you know you're in love 179 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,040 Speaker 1: because the best of you will come out? What does 180 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: it look like when you're at your best? How do 181 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 1: you feel when you're at your best? Is that how 182 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,560 Speaker 1: you want to feel in love? That's what you're looking for. 183 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 1: You're looking to feel those things because guess what, Otherwise 184 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,559 Speaker 1: someone might be kind, they might be funny, they might 185 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: check everything off that list, and you still won't feel 186 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: how you want to feel. So start with what is 187 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: it that you will feel, not what they'll make you feel. 188 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,960 Speaker 1: How do you think you will behave How do you 189 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: think you will act in a healthy relationship? What do 190 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,720 Speaker 1: you think will be brought out of you when you're 191 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,440 Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship. That is a much better metric. 192 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: That is a much better measure for how you'll know 193 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 1: you'll be with the right person, because often we're able 194 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 1: to be a different person for forty hours. Maybe we 195 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: might even be good enough to be someone else for 196 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,320 Speaker 1: a hundred hours, But you can't pretend to be someone 197 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,959 Speaker 1: for over two hundred hours, or if you've tried to 198 00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: be really tough, be really challenging. And so I don't 199 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 1: want you to pretend to be someone you don't want 200 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:08,400 Speaker 1: to be for two hundred hours, because you have something 201 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 1: more to offer than that. So I don't want you 202 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 1: to make the list of what you want in a partner. 203 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,840 Speaker 1: And I also don't want you to make the list 204 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: of like who you're going to be in a relationship. It, Oh, 205 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,719 Speaker 1: I'm going to be loving, I'm gonna be this, I'm 206 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 1: going to become everything that's good too. But I want 207 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: you to go to step further and go, how do 208 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 1: I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I 209 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: act when I'm at my best? If I feel like 210 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: someone's bringing the best out of me, what does that 211 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: look like? What will that feel like like? I know 212 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: that I would be driven towards my purpose. I would 213 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: feel energized daily. I would feel happy in the morning 214 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:52,199 Speaker 1: and evening to be with them. I would be excited 215 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 1: to see them. I would feel comfortable opening my heart 216 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,880 Speaker 1: and talking about what I'm really going through. I would 217 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 1: be patient if they're really important to me. That list 218 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: is going to transform how you view the potential partner 219 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: you're or the partner you're dating right now. So the 220 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: first date is do you have fun together? Do you 221 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: enjoy each other's company? Remember this isn't your first date chronologically. 222 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,079 Speaker 1: It's a date that needs to happen in your mind. 223 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,079 Speaker 1: Does conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes 224 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: you uncomfortable? That is an important question. What about your 225 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: partner makes you feel uncomfortable? And asking yourself before you 226 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: challenge them on it, before you poke it out and 227 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,199 Speaker 1: put it out in front of them, asking yourself, why 228 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 1: does it make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you 229 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable because of trigger you have from your parents? 230 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: Does it make you feel uncomfortable because of something you've 231 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: adopted or is it important to you. Often our rage 232 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,559 Speaker 1: or anger or frustration with our partner is adopted from 233 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 1: our parents. If our parents found something annoying about their partner, 234 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,240 Speaker 1: we can often find the same thing annoying about our partners. 235 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,960 Speaker 1: I know someone whose mum was always upset that their 236 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: dad came home late from work. Now the person I 237 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: know really loves their partner and loves how hard they work. 238 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 1: But in the beginning they used to get triggered and 239 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: they'd be like, why do you always come home late? 240 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: And the partner would say, well, you know what I've 241 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: been working on. We talked about it, like I thought, 242 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 1: I thought we were really aware that we're committed that 243 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 1: this year we're really working hardest so we can save 244 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,720 Speaker 1: up so that we can move into a bigger place. 245 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: And they'd be fine with that answer. That would connect 246 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: with them. That's how they felt too, But there was 247 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: still this internal trigger that was pushing them there. So 248 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,400 Speaker 1: when we find or discover our uncomfortability, we first want 249 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: to ask where is that coming for us? Is it 250 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,600 Speaker 1: really true to us? If the answer is yes, like 251 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,080 Speaker 1: this is actually an issue for me personally, this is 252 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 1: something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me raise that 253 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: the first day is to find out if you really 254 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: enjoy each other's personalities. And I'm going to give you 255 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,160 Speaker 1: some questions that I think are beautiful to ask in 256 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,120 Speaker 1: a first day. What's something you love to do? Most 257 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,600 Speaker 1: people have never asked this question. Do you have a 258 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: favorite place? And why? Why? Is as important as what 259 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 1: is there a book or a movie you've read or 260 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: seen more than once? I loved this question. It says 261 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,800 Speaker 1: so much about them, You learn so much about them. 262 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,080 Speaker 1: And that's the key here, right Like love is learning, 263 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: learning is love. If you love someone, you want to 264 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: learn about them. I remember that I was traveling recently 265 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 1: and different groups of people came up to me and 266 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: we were taking pictures and talking. They listened to the 267 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 1: podcast and they've read Thinks like a Monk, and they 268 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: were saying how excited they are for the next book, 269 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff was going on, and 270 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 1: there are a few people who had no clue who 271 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: I was, right, like, no idea, no idea. And then 272 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,200 Speaker 1: they came up to me and then they were like, 273 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,240 Speaker 1: what do you do? Like you know? And then they 274 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 1: asked for a pick to two bucks, like you don't 275 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 1: know who I ad like, you don't know what I do? 276 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,800 Speaker 1: This is really weird. But they were like, what do 277 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: you do? And it was really interesting that because they 278 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:16,000 Speaker 1: saw people show me love, they wanted to learn about me. 279 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,720 Speaker 1: And that's what I think is really interesting. I'm just 280 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 1: taking that as an idea that if you love someone, 281 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,480 Speaker 1: or if you want to love someone, learning about them 282 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: and continuing to learn about them is so key to 283 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: a relationship. And often what happens in relationships is relationship 284 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: has become old old, which means you've had an old 285 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: relationship and you only know the things you knew about 286 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: them ten twenty years ago. If you got that friend 287 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: where they thank you for the same thing over and 288 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 1: over and over again from like twenty years ago, or 289 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: your only memory that you ever talk about is from school, 290 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 1: you haven't made any new memories. That's an old old relationship. 291 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: I want you to have new old relationships, which is 292 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: you're learning new things about someone who's been in your 293 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,640 Speaker 1: life for a long time. When you're learning those new 294 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,119 Speaker 1: things about each other, right when you're having those moments 295 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 1: of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. This is a 296 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,399 Speaker 1: great question. What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment. 297 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,640 Speaker 1: What's something you wish you knew more about. I love 298 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 1: this question because no matter how long you've been with 299 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: someone I did. This was rather the other day we 300 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 1: were both trying to pick books we want to read. 301 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,119 Speaker 1: Actually we weren't. We're actually having this conversation, and I 302 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,399 Speaker 1: was like, what is it that we want to know 303 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,879 Speaker 1: more about? And she asked me, Actually, she was like, 304 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 1: do you know any books in this area? And I 305 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 1: started amazoning books for her and sending her stuff and 306 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,680 Speaker 1: got it all wrong, and she knew what you wanted 307 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 1: to read. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute, 308 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,200 Speaker 1: what do I want to read about this holiday season? 309 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna, you know, be traveling, you have some downtime, 310 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 1: Like I want to read something, I want to learn something. 311 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,879 Speaker 1: What's the best meal you've ever had? I loved that conversation, 312 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 1: especially if you're with a foodie, as my wife is. 313 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,560 Speaker 1: So these are not interview questions, right. This isn't a 314 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: conversation where you're interviewing and interrogating. You're also sharing, You're 315 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,120 Speaker 1: also revealing, So make sure you have your answers ready 316 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:10,200 Speaker 1: as well, and use it as a point of starting 317 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 1: healthier conversations. I think we don't ask enough interesting questions 318 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,879 Speaker 1: to our partners, and that's why our partners can feel 319 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I 320 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: really feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful 321 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: question that we can ask to our partners. Okay, Date 322 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: two again, This could happen at any point, and this 323 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 1: one is all about whether you respect their values. I 324 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 1: am a huge, huge proponent of values. Everyone has values, 325 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: whether they know it or not. And our genuine, realist 326 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,960 Speaker 1: values are where we spend our time, where we spend 327 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: our money, and where we spend our energy. We may 328 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 1: think we have different values. That is our value of 329 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 1: where we spend that. Now, you may have a reason 330 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,720 Speaker 1: why you spend your time there, way why you spend 331 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: your money there, That underpins that as your deeper value. 332 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,639 Speaker 1: But we have to be really honest about It's not 333 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 1: just about intention, it's about where our actions are with 334 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,439 Speaker 1: our values as well. When I talk about respecting your 335 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 1: partner's values, there's something really interesting here because a lot 336 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 1: of the times we like their personality, but we don't 337 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,159 Speaker 1: respect their values. We would like their values to change. 338 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,160 Speaker 1: Sometimes we would like them to value what we value. 339 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,199 Speaker 1: If you want your partner to value what you value, 340 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:42,399 Speaker 1: you are devaluing them. If you want your partner to 341 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 1: love what you love as much as you love it, 342 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,199 Speaker 1: they're going to feel that they don't have time to 343 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: love what they want to love. Your partner doesn't have 344 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 1: to love what you love. They have to love the 345 00:19:56,480 --> 00:20:00,720 Speaker 1: way you love it. That's the key, right. Your partner 346 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,679 Speaker 1: doesn't have to love what you love, they have to 347 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,880 Speaker 1: love the way you love it. So, when I think 348 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: about RADI loves food, I like food. I enjoy it. 349 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 1: I can't love food the way RADI does, but I 350 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 1: can love the way she loves it. I love the 351 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,760 Speaker 1: way she gets excited about sharing any recipe with me. 352 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: I love the way she makes videos and talks about food. 353 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,200 Speaker 1: I love the way so I love what she does 354 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,679 Speaker 1: with it. Similarly, Radi doesn't love what I do as 355 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 1: much as I do. She can't, it's not her value system. 356 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: But she loves me for loving it. She loves how 357 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,159 Speaker 1: I feel when I'm teaching and guiding and coaching and 358 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 1: all the work that I do. And so I really 359 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,439 Speaker 1: want to help you understand that respecting someone's values is 360 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: asking yourself do I like how this person operates in 361 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,880 Speaker 1: the world. Can I appreciate why they operate that way? 362 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: And that's often the question of like, you may not 363 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: be able to respect someone's value before you understand why 364 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 1: they value it, right, Like, that's the key, Like, you 365 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,600 Speaker 1: can't just respect someone's value because you're respect person. You 366 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 1: respect someone's value because you understand deeply why they're so 367 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: committed to it. And often in our partnerships, we don't 368 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,200 Speaker 1: understand why deeply, because our partners may not understand why 369 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 1: they deeply are connected to it. So you can gently 370 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:19,040 Speaker 1: encourage your partners share meaningful stories and details about their life. 371 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,800 Speaker 1: Take turns with these questions and make sure again that 372 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 1: it's not an interview in fact, that they hesitate over 373 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: a question. You might say, I know it's a hard question, 374 00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:30,680 Speaker 1: I'll go first, right, Like, I think that's the part. 375 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,960 Speaker 1: Often our partners have an answer and we say, oh, well, 376 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 1: that's the end of the conversation. It has to be 377 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 1: self disclosure as well, right Escalating self disclosure is a 378 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:46,280 Speaker 1: really important trul and it's a slow build. Sometimes when 379 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: we're ready to share, we think it's the right time 380 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,680 Speaker 1: for them to open up as well. But people do 381 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,280 Speaker 1: this at their own pace, in their own time. Ask 382 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,560 Speaker 1: questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge. If 383 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,520 Speaker 1: the person is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject, 384 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: asking is this too heavier topic or would you rather 385 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,120 Speaker 1: not go there right now? I think I think that's 386 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 1: the caveats that are needed, right, like, if you're forcing 387 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 1: your partner in a direction versus encouraging them. And by 388 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,919 Speaker 1: the way, I literally would have this with rather all 389 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,160 Speaker 1: the time. I'll say, hey, that was a good time 390 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 1: to talk about you know, your goals for twenty twenty three? 391 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 1: Do you want to talk about And you're like, no, no, no, Jay, Like, 392 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,680 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about right now, right and 393 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,159 Speaker 1: and that's beautiful. I can't force it. And I may say, well, 394 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,920 Speaker 1: I'm ready to talk about mine. Let me know when 395 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: you're ready to listen. Right, So, here are some questions 396 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,639 Speaker 1: for date number two to respect their values. Who's the 397 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 1: most fascinating person you've ever met? Right, shows you what 398 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 1: their value without even asking them their values. What's the 399 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 1: most out of character thing you've ever done or would 400 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,320 Speaker 1: like to do? Great question, because it makes you go, 401 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 1: oh if that's out of character that's not their character. 402 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 1: Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life? 403 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 1: How did you deal with it? If you won the lottery, 404 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,520 Speaker 1: what would you spend the money on? I think that's 405 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: a real value driver. Notice I'm giving you questions where 406 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,399 Speaker 1: you're not just sitting down and going what are your value? 407 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,640 Speaker 1: What are your values? Right? Because that can be uncomfortable. 408 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 1: What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is 409 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 1: a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What 410 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 1: makes you proud? The big one? What makes you proud 411 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 1: is usually what you value and what would you do 412 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,440 Speaker 1: if you had enough money to not need a job? 413 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 1: Shows you what they value, and these values are things 414 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: you respect, things you remind them of. They're things that 415 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 1: you can continue to use to grow that relationship. It's 416 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: information and insight that you can remind that person of 417 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,720 Speaker 1: when they're losing passion, when your partner's losing interest, when 418 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: they've lost a bit of steam. These are the things 419 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,399 Speaker 1: that you remind them of. You're not just giving them 420 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: random advice or maybe you should do this, or maybe 421 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: you should do this. My friend did this and it 422 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,640 Speaker 1: helped them know what were their values that they've lost? 423 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 1: Connection to it helps you become a better partner, and 424 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 1: it helps you know whether they're the right partner for you. 425 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 1: You're never going to have the same values as someone exactly. 426 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: You're never going to want to spend your time in 427 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,919 Speaker 1: exactly the same ways or do exactly the same things. 428 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,119 Speaker 1: Can you respect why your partner wants to do what 429 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,879 Speaker 1: they want to do? Can you find the middle ground 430 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 1: being flexible with each other, flexible and adaptability towards why. 431 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,879 Speaker 1: Like Radley and I love spending time relaxing sometimes on 432 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,920 Speaker 1: a beach, and I also like doing activities rather likes 433 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 1: doing activities sometimes and she can be pretty happy doing 434 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 1: almost anything. And we realize that when we go on vacation, 435 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 1: we do one day activity, one day rest of the hotel, 436 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,359 Speaker 1: one day activity, one day rest of the hotel, and 437 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,680 Speaker 1: that became a system and a rhythm that we use 438 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,959 Speaker 1: in order to respect her values. She knows I need 439 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,720 Speaker 1: to sleep and relax sometimes. I know that she will 440 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,640 Speaker 1: go with the flow and she's open to new ideas, 441 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 1: but she also wants to have a good time and 442 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:56,159 Speaker 1: be active. Right. I know that Raley will never trade 443 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: on a workout every day. It's a big part of 444 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:01,239 Speaker 1: her mental health routine, so I know she's not going 445 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 1: to do that, So I will never plan a meeting 446 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,000 Speaker 1: around Joyo. Oh, by the way, thank you for all 447 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 1: the love for Joyo. Anyone who's in LA who's supporting 448 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 1: Joyo Air one, I'm so grateful, and we are trying 449 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: to get it across the country. So we're working on 450 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,320 Speaker 1: that everyone else. But I would never plan a Joyo 451 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,680 Speaker 1: meeting during rad They's workout because I know how much 452 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:25,200 Speaker 1: that's a non negotiable for her. And I may change 453 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 1: my workout to go to a work thing because I 454 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,359 Speaker 1: value my purpose as well deeply, But that doesn't mean 455 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,480 Speaker 1: I'm expecting that off my partner. I'm not saying, Wow, 456 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: you don't value it enough. Right, You're finding the right 457 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: time to do things around both of your values, and 458 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: often we just want people to change their values and 459 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:47,200 Speaker 1: value what we value. Okay, Date number three. Date three 460 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,399 Speaker 1: should occur when it feels natural to share some of 461 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,119 Speaker 1: your ideas for the future. Just as you don't need 462 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,959 Speaker 1: to share the same values, you don't need to have 463 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: the same goals. One of you might have your whole 464 00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:58,720 Speaker 1: life mapped out me and the other might still be 465 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: exploring rather gives their life meaning. On date three, you 466 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: can try out some deeper questions, such as the ones 467 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,199 Speaker 1: listed below, and I'm going to share them with you now. 468 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,359 Speaker 1: But before I do that, this is all about am 469 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,880 Speaker 1: I committed to helping you achieve your goals? That's the question. 470 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,560 Speaker 1: That's the difference between love and friendship. In friendship, you 471 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,480 Speaker 1: support your friends goals, But in a relationship, you're committed 472 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 1: to helping your partner achieve their goals. You want to 473 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: see them get there all the way. You're going to 474 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: be there helping them get there all the way, and 475 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,399 Speaker 1: so you have to know what their goals are. I 476 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: think this also applies to things like kids. I know 477 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,679 Speaker 1: so many couples who've been together for like three to 478 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: five years before they talk about kids, only to realize 479 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,920 Speaker 1: their partner doesn't want kids at all, and they really 480 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,360 Speaker 1: want kids. That conversation could have been had a long 481 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 1: time before. And I'm not saying you would have not 482 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 1: been with that person. It's just having an uncomfortable conversation 483 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: without the emotions of five years. It's a lot easier 484 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,240 Speaker 1: in the first five months. Even if it feels awkward 485 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 1: in five months, I promise you it's more awkward in 486 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 1: five years when you realize your partner doesn't want a child, 487 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,240 Speaker 1: and now you're thinking, wow, if I waste the time? 488 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,920 Speaker 1: Do I need to change? What do I do right? 489 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,240 Speaker 1: And so conversations like do you have a dream you'd 490 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,200 Speaker 1: like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment? 491 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,440 Speaker 1: What would you like to change about your life if 492 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,199 Speaker 1: you could meet anyone? Who would it be? Is there 493 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,160 Speaker 1: a single moment or experience that change your life? And 494 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,600 Speaker 1: looking towards the future, is there something that you think 495 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,560 Speaker 1: I don't know that you might want to do in 496 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,640 Speaker 1: like ten years time that is really important to you. 497 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,560 Speaker 1: I think that we often think about questions like what's 498 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 1: your plan for the future, right, And it's like, it's 499 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,320 Speaker 1: not a plan, it's learning about someone's goals where they 500 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,480 Speaker 1: see themselves, what they want to do. That will very 501 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,960 Speaker 1: well give you so much more insight in a relationship. 502 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: And the question we're asking is not do I like 503 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,680 Speaker 1: their goals or do I want to change their goals? 504 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,480 Speaker 1: Is do I want to help them get there? Do 505 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,159 Speaker 1: I think that that's beautiful? Do I think this is 506 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,600 Speaker 1: a beautiful person who has beautiful goals? And do I 507 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,280 Speaker 1: want to help them get there, and their goals don't 508 00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 1: have to be big. Their goals don't have to be 509 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 1: to a billion dollar company, their goals don't have to 510 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:05,159 Speaker 1: be to save a city or a country like their 511 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,320 Speaker 1: goal doesn't have to be that right. I think we 512 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:10,399 Speaker 1: think about goals and achievements as these big, overarching things. 513 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: Their goal could be simpler. And it's not about the 514 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,199 Speaker 1: complexity of the simplicity. It's about whether you want to 515 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 1: help them get there. So those are three dates, three 516 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,200 Speaker 1: conversations that I deeply, deeply, deeply want you to have 517 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:31,280 Speaker 1: in your relationship. And don't avoid these even if they're uncomfortable, 518 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,240 Speaker 1: even if they feel awkward, find a healthy way. And 519 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:36,520 Speaker 1: that's the key thing here. Don't raise them as interrogations, 520 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 1: don't raise them as interventions, don't raise them as accusations. 521 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:45,240 Speaker 1: Raise them with affection, raise them with intimacy, raise them 522 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,080 Speaker 1: with connection. Thank you so much for being here, Thank 523 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:53,680 Speaker 1: you for being here for twenty twenty two. I promise 524 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,800 Speaker 1: you twenty twenty three is going to be an even 525 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 1: better year for on Purpose. This year was unbelievable, the 526 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: gross with incredible, Your support's been phenomenal. But next year 527 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 1: we'll be going to another level, and I hope you're 528 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: going to join me. I hope you're gonna be with me. 529 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 1: I want you to have an amazing holiday season. And 530 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,840 Speaker 1: we're not stopping. You know, On Purpose is on twice 531 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 1: a week, every week all year around. You get one 532 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 1: hundred and four episodes a year in fifty two week year. 533 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,320 Speaker 1: We don't stop. And we've got a whole catalog now 534 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,160 Speaker 1: of three and a half years of contents. You've got 535 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: over three hundred episodes to listen to to catch up 536 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,120 Speaker 1: if you haven't already. Thank you for being here. I 537 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: appreciate you. I'll see you soon.