WEBVTT - Daddy Issues (with Chanel Ali) 0:00:01.080 --> 0:00:02.960 When I was a little girl, I asked my parents 0:00:02.960 --> 0:00:08.039 to go to a Blockbuster to rent me Oz. That's 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:11.320 the graphic HBO series about a group of men in prison. 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:20.600 What I meant to ask for was The Whiz. That's 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:24.200 the black musical adventure film starring Diana Ross. But sometimes 0:00:24.239 --> 0:00:25.320 things get lost in translation. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:29.600 That's comedian Chanelle Allie at our Last Boys Over Live Show. 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:32.199 And to be fair, I was a weird kid. To 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:34.040 be even more fair, they weren't my parents. They were 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:35.920 just my foster parents, one group out of many. I 0:00:35.960 --> 0:00:38.560 don't even remember their names in particular. But still I 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:40.400 wonder what it was like with them driving a Blockbuster 0:00:40.479 --> 0:00:44.120 that day. Did they ride in silence thinking about what 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:46.120 they were gonna do, then get back in the car 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:48.640 and start to ponder, Well, maybe Chanelle just loves a 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:51.960 good HBO series. Well, you know, honey, I bet you 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:56.920 Chanelle cares about prison reform regardless. I watched three episodes 0:00:56.960 --> 0:00:59.640 before I was convinced Michael Jackson is not in this 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:03.880 and this soundtrack is gloomy as hill. 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:08.520 The Whiz isn't the only thing Chanelle had to find 0:01:08.640 --> 0:01:11.440 on her own. Her story takes us through her quest 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:15.440 to find her biological family and break generational patterns, and 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.720 before we go further be warned. When she told this 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:21.480 story at the live show, there was not a dry 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:34.200 eye in the house. I'm hopewondered and welcome to boys 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:37.560 Over a space where we're learning and unlearning. All the 0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:40.480 myths were taught about love and relationships. 0:01:52.200 --> 0:01:53.600 I live in a lot of different homes growing up. 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:55.240 I got taken away from my mom when I was two. 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:57.760 She had experimented with drugs in the eighties because she 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:01.520 was really pretty. Even though she got clean prior to 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:03.600 being pregnant with me, some of those experiences left her 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:06.560 a little dilapidated. I always described my mom as a 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:08.639 shell of a person. She would just disappear in the 0:02:08.680 --> 0:02:10.800 middle of conversation, and by the time I was five, 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:12.959 I had some questions about it. I'd be like, I 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:15.360 don't understand this. Why can't you come get me? People 0:02:15.440 --> 0:02:17.800 keep saying you're sick. You look fine. That outfit is lit. 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:22.760 Chanelle, Welcome to boy Sover. 0:02:22.880 --> 0:02:23.960 Thank you so much for having me. 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.880 Of course, you grew up in foster care, in a 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:29.080 foster family. 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:31.240 With a lot of foster families, but also with like 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:35.400 some extended family, like some aunts and some uncles. I 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:35.919 was around. 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:39.360 Yeah, okay, okay, and your mom was in your life, 0:02:39.560 --> 0:02:40.640 you were just not living with her. 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:42.600 Well, I got taken away from her when I was two. 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:46.440 She was diagnosed with bipolar and paraheid schizophrenia. And then 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:48.840 I got taken over my grandmother when I was like six, 0:02:49.040 --> 0:02:51.560 and then I was in the system. So she was like, 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:53.400 you know, I always describe her as like a shell 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:55.800 of a person. Yeah, just I was never really able 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:58.160 to communicate with her for very long. She would just 0:02:58.240 --> 0:02:59.760 drift off in the middle of a sentence. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:04.760 Yeah, I totally I understand watching someone interact with somebody 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:07.360 who you love and care about and seeing them do 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:10.560 it in a way where you're like, that's not really working. 0:03:10.800 --> 0:03:11.080 Yeah. 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:12.760 How old were you when you were like having those 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:13.760 realization five? 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:18.000 Really young? Yeah. I think also that relationship taught me 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:21.200 a lot about love, you know, because here was this 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:23.120 family dynamic where was like, she's supposed to be taking 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:25.760 care of me. But as soon as I had my wherewithal, 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:28.840 I felt like I am in control and I'm kind 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:33.200 of handling a lot of these conversations. And even when, 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:34.880 like a social worker would say to me, well, you 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:37.080 can't live with your mom because she's sick. They would 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:39.560 never say it's because she's bipolar parents, that's right. They 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:41.760 would just say sick. But even though I didn't have 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:43.640 the words, I was like, she's not sick. And I 0:03:43.680 --> 0:03:45.400 have this memory that I talk about in my One 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:47.400 Woman show where I kind of break down this relationship 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:49.840 with my mom. I remember having visitation with her a 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:51.920 lot while I was out austral care and one time 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:55.440 I had visitation and we were just laughing, just hysterically 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.880 giggling for what seemed like an eternity. I remember asking 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:00.440 her in the middle of it, like what are we 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:03.080 laughing at? And she, without missing a beat, was like, 0:04:03.080 --> 0:04:05.600 I don't know, and then we just started laughing again. 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:07.920 And it was like moments like that where I always 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:11.440 felt like if someone else saw that interaction, they'd be like, 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:14.000 something's wrong with her. But to me, I was like, 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:18.520 this lady's chilling, Like I never saw TV mom's act 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:20.359 like that. You know, I knew she was different, but 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:22.640 I appreciated it about her. I just also wish she 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.280 would like make dinner, you know what I'm saying totally, 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:26.000 So it was like I understood that she couldn't take 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:28.200 care of us. But yeah, she had visitation for a 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:31.599 couple of years, but then after a while not really Okay. Yeah, 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:33.480 so by the time I was like eight, I really 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:34.160 wasn't seeing her. 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.320 And when you were eight, you were with your grandmother. No, 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:39.320 what's your grandmother's vibe? 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:42.840 She's Italian, a Jewish Italian lady. You know, hung out 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:45.000 with only black people. A lot of people used to 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:48.640 think she was black, including me, until I'm wasten out 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.160 in junior high and you were like, wait. You know, 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:53.160 I went to Target and then the next day I 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:54.560 went to school and this girl was like, what are 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:57.680 you doing with that, oh white lady? And I was like, 0:04:57.720 --> 0:04:58.840 what are you talking about? 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:04.279 Totally I was like, well she looks white. 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:06.200 You know. But yeah, she was hilarious and honestly, like 0:05:06.760 --> 0:05:09.400 my grandmother was, like I would say, my greatest champion 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:11.920 throughout my whole life. She really was the core of, 0:05:12.040 --> 0:05:14.480 like I would say, some of my sense of humor, 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:17.520 but also like my self confidence. You know. She did 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:20.680 not take shit from nobody. I mean, if she gave 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:23.120 you a coupon for two cents off and she didn't 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.320 get it, we're going to drive back to the store. 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:26.480 Yeah, we're gonna figure that out. 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:30.320 It's not gonna make sense financially, but it's the principle 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:34.760 of money on gas. Yeah. And I think she really, 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:39.080 you know, appreciated having a black grandchild, and she really 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:40.840 like relished in that. She was like, I want to 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:43.480 teach you about all of the things that the world 0:05:43.600 --> 0:05:45.560 is going to assume about you and how some of 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:47.360 these interactions are going to play out. And I want 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:49.480 you to understand what you know once you start school, 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.479 why they're doing this or why this is happening. And 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:54.640 I just think she was like always on my team, 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:58.040 even though she wasn't my guardian. She always had visitation 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:00.760 no matter where I moved, Like I wouldn't have been 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:02.680 able to afford a prom dress, I wouldn't have been 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:04.880 able to do a lot of the things as a 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:08.240 kid if my grandmother wasn't constantly checking in, sending me 0:06:08.320 --> 0:06:11.560 something and just like being my champion. And then you know, 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:13.599 when I was seventeen, I met my dad. 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:18.560 Right and see me about wanting to meet him. Yeah, 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.680 where did those thoughts kind of begin? Like at where 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:23.159 were you in life when you were like I think. 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:25.159 I should I mean pretty much. As soon as I 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:27.520 went into foster care, I was like, where's my father? 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:32.120 Like I'm having visitation with my mom, and I'm like, hey, 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:36.400 real quick, yeah, yeah, yeah, who's my dad? Can you write? 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:37.880 Do you just real quick? Can you write the same? 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:39.600 Why have you? Why have you? You know? She just 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:43.440 goes she just goes off, you know, she's just off 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.400 floating in the room. And so I was like obsessed 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:47.920 with trying to find him. She would tell me his 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:49.760 name and she would say, I know he's your dad, 0:06:49.760 --> 0:06:51.640 I just can't find him. So, like, as soon as 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:54.280 the internet became a thing totally, I was on it. 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:56.360 I went to the bank to get my first debit 0:06:56.400 --> 0:06:58.800 card just so I could pay for some online services 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:00.680 that it was going to find his address. Whoa, because 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:03.480 I can't like ask anybody, Nobody's gonna help me with this. 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:05.680 And so yeah, I got my first debit card, I 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:07.720 paid for the service that gave me his address. My 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:10.640 grandmother took me there. She knew what you were up to. 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:13.120 I was keeping a secret. I was terrified to tell 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:15.480 anybody because I don't know. I don't know that this 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:17.240 guy's my dad and I'm about to go to his 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:18.120 house and I'm a kid. 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:19.440 You're a kid, that's the thing. 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:21.920 You're fourteen. So I was like, if I do have 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:24.480 a dad, it would be lit if he like showed up. 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.320 So she I'm terrified to tell her, like, hey, I 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:29.360 paid for this service and I found this address and 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:31.200 I think it's my dad. And I tell her and 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:33.240 I'm like so terrified that she's gonna be like, you 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:36.760 went to the bank, and she was like, let's find him. 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:38.880 Heck yeah, she took me there. It was raining because 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.320 we like to be dramatic. Oh, and I knock on 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:43.280 this door, and I'm just feeling this energy, like this 0:07:43.320 --> 0:07:44.840 man is about to open the door, and he's probably 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:46.480 gonna be like a tall version of me. I don't know, 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:48.920 and I'm gonna he's he'll know as soon as he 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:51.960 sees me, he'll know. And he never answers the door. 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:54.080 Nobody ever comes, and I just wait in the rain. 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.040 I wait, I wait, and then his neighbor comes home 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:57.960 and he sees this little girl crying in the rain 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:00.560 and he's like, oh that guy, yeah, he did used 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:02.440 to live there, but he moved like a year ago 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:04.960 and he didn't leave like affording address. I never heard 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:08.160 from him again, and I just felt like I was 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.640 so close. It destroyed me for a little bit because 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.080 I was like, he's real and I almost had him, 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:17.880 and I'm a genius, but my grandmother drives slow, and 0:08:19.160 --> 0:08:24.600 there's all these yellows like you should ye, yeah, you know. 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:27.559 It just felt like you to deal with. I kept 0:08:27.600 --> 0:08:30.800 telling myself that, like, I'm getting older, Like two years 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:33.480 after that, I was like sixteen. Now I'm preparing for 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:36.080 college and I'm about to start, you know, focusing on 0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:37.920 my future. So I was like, Shanelle, you can't just 0:08:38.040 --> 0:08:41.640 keep trying to find him. You know, hopefully he will. 0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:44.839 But I do think that I manifested it a little 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:47.040 bit because I was still very focused on him, like 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:49.480 I wish my dad would show up? Where's my dad? 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:52.040 Who is my dad? Really could use a dad in here. 0:08:52.200 --> 0:08:54.520 Can I ask you how you were imagining him like 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:55.520 his qualities. 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:59.080 I think I assumed that he probably looked a lot 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.360 like me because my mom is half Italian obviously and 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:05.320 half Indian, so she's not much black at all, Like 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:07.520 she has a little bit of a mix, but we 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:09.120 have a lot of the similar features, but we don't 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:11.760 really look alike. So I've always known like, oh, well, 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.720 my dad must be black and he probably looks like me. 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:19.320 So I think I envisioned like just a really handsome man, 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:22.240 which he is, which he is, so it was right. Yeah, 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:25.199 But yeah, I think I envisioned like this warm energy 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:28.160 and like a big Papa bear type guy. 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:30.720 I like an embrace, like a warm embrace. 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:32.320 Yeah, And I don't even know why. Maybe I think 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:33.680 I was influenced by a lot of movies. 0:09:34.040 --> 0:09:37.480 I wonder what stories, Yeah, like influencing your. 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:40.480 Probably mostly like Blair Underwood the actor. 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:41.000 For sure. 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:42.960 I was like, that's like, probably what my dad is like, 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:48.000 probably you know, yeah, little Eddie Murphy probably in there. Yeah, 0:09:48.040 --> 0:09:49.120 probably little my dad. 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:52.760 Uh So when you met him, Yeah, talk to me 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:53.600 about that moment. 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:56.920 So I tracked him down after we took a court 0:09:57.000 --> 0:09:59.280 ordered paternity test, but the government didn't give me his 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:01.240 address or his phone number. 0:10:01.240 --> 0:10:04.280 A court ordered paternity test, Like, how does that process work? 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:05.880 And how did you feel through that process? 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:08.040 It's like when you're a foster kid or you're living 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:10.760 with someone else. If it's gone through the government, then 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:12.720 that person gets money every month to take care of you, 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:16.120 and that means that those kids technically become a bill. 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:18.719 M they become a bill in the system that needs 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:21.319 to be rectified. And so as I was nearing eighteen, 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:24.160 whatever caseworker was trying to get that case off of 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:26.599 her desk. I'm sure, and she was like, well, we 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.320 have this one piece of paper because he wasn't on 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:30.320 my birth certificate, but this say is this guy's name, 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.520 Let's look him up. When I was seventeen, I got 0:10:33.559 --> 0:10:36.680 a letter from the government. They were on that piece 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:38.440 of paper. They asked for my DNA. They said they 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:40.120 had found a guy that I thought was my father, 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:42.600 and there was the same name that I had been searching, 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:44.720 the same name that my mother had brought up, the 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:46.440 same name that I was never sure if it was 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:50.560 even real. They swabbed my cheek, tested my DNA. I 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:52.160 got a letter in the mail a couple weeks later. 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:55.720 It said, hey, that's the one. It told me that 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:58.280 my father was a cop. That's why I hadn't been 0:10:58.280 --> 0:11:00.640 able to find him all of these years, because you 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:03.120 can't look up a cop. You could get a ticket 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:04.800 tonight from a cop. All you have is their name. 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:06.760 You can't find their address with their phone number. And 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:09.200 this is pre Facebook before cops were online talking about 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:32.839 the blacks are always resisting. My father was super unlisted, 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:35.400 but still, what's the notion that he was a cop 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:37.240 in a certain state. I knew that I could find him. 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:39.840 I got out a phone book, I got out a map. 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:41.680 I started in the city my mom was born, and 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:45.120 I started calling police stations day after day after day 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:47.439 after day, saying, do you have an officer by this name? 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:50.440 Have you ever heard of an officer by this name? 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:53.680 Day after day after day, until one day a guy answered. 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:55.520 He said, yeah, we got an officer by that name 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:59.920 in this precinct. I was shocked. I hadn't thought of 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.400 what I would say next. I hadn't gone that far 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:06.360 in my plan. I said, can I leave a message? Yeah, lady, 0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:09.440 what do you want to say? Just my name and 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:16.560 my number? And then I waited beyond just having a 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:21.680 relationship with him. I was seeking closure, like I was 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:23.960 prepared to call him and him say, yeah, I know 0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:26.440 I know about you, and I don't want this. And 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:28.960 I've known this whole time. I've been running. Why do 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:30.720 you keep finding me? Why are you looking for me 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:31.679 so hard? 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:35.720 Behind me this whole time? And said that you were 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:38.000 over there I heard a little girl was looking for me, 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:38.920 and I got scared. 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:42.880 I was just like so convinced that whether it was 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.360 good or bad, if he would just tell me, I 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:48.720 could let it go and maybe I could focus. So yeah, 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:52.000 eventually he called, and he sounded very well meaning, and 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:53.240 so then we scheduled to meet. 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:55.200 What did he say on that phone call? 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.920 He left a voicemail, actually, and I have it like 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:00.280 pretty burned into my memory, and it was like, Hey, 0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:03.720 this is so and so I can't believe you found me. 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.160 Thank you so much for calling me. I want to 0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:11.520 start out by saying I never denied you. I never 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:13.960 was sure if you were my daughter. You know, I 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:15.960 know that you're about to graduate high school, but like, 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:17.880 I'm here, please call me. I want to have a 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:20.520 relationship with you. Like all of the things he said, 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:23.240 the right thing. Yes, I remember listening to the voicemail. 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:25.880 I'm at a track of me and I'm just crying, crying, crying, 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:29.160 just pouring us, pouring, pouring, pouring out of me. And 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:31.920 I was just like, Okay, so let's go. And so 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.600 we meet in the parking lot of a Chili's restaurant 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:36.679 because I like dramatics, baby. 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:39.840 I mean that's just like an American family and family 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:41.319 American store, like you know what I. 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:45.600 Mean, Chili, No, I'm in the chili. We met in 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:47.720 the park life and then we went in and I'll. 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:51.560 Tell you there's nothing like a conversation with your distant 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.119 father at a chain. 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:54.640 Restaurant, like you know what I mean. 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:56.880 For me and my father, like we were always having 0:13:56.920 --> 0:13:59.800 these like emotional talks about his ability and capability as 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:01.319 a time at a Ruby Tuesday. 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:01.800 That's right. 0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:04.760 I don't know if you're familiar, yes, but like that 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:08.880 is where fathers are. Some something happened really able to 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:11.800 Like it's the TV, the terms with something. 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:13.840 Maybe they should start doing family therapy. 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:16.160 And like, honestly, I think it would be nice. 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:27.160 Thursday, you know market get bad. Yeah, we met. The 0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:29.520 first time I walked up to him. It's like walking 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:32.320 up to a mirror, a mirror that only shows you 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:35.080 certain parts of yourself. I looked in his eyes and 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:36.640 I saw my own eyes looking back at me. It 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:38.640 was weird. It was like he got him from me, 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:48.280 like maybe I was his dad. He was kind of 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:51.200 like what I imagined. He was very like very buff, 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:53.640 like bodybuilder buff, and he told me he had won 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.960 the title of like bodybuilding competitions a few years like 0:14:57.360 --> 0:14:59.280 has awards and medals. He was like, oh, I'm an 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:00.960 award winning cop, you know. He just he was like 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:03.880 longer than yeah. He was like, I'll be saving people. 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:05.720 I was like, we're not taking care of him. 0:15:06.520 --> 0:15:08.240 Weird, so weird. 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:12.480 We have a lot of duties, right, But no, he 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:16.920 was like we had such similar mannerisms. He was so charismatic. 0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:20.160 We're sitting in this Chili's and he's talking to me 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:24.240 like he's know life. I'm going to be like, yeah, 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:26.360 so I was your mom was Wallen, and I just, 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:28.600 you know, I wasn't sure and I heard that you 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.080 were moving around and I couldn't like really track you down, 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:33.560 and like I didn't even care about that. I was 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.280 like so so over that it was. I was so 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:39.360 excited to ask my dad where are our people from? 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:42.440 Because I obviously like we're from Africa, but like, you know, 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:45.120 because I had been trying to find out who I 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:47.440 was my whole life, and he was like, yeah, I 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:49.480 don't know, we're from like Mississippi or something. 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:51.200 Can I ask you kind of a question that might 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:53.040 find that I don't know if. 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:55.320 It's going to go for it to the line, get it. 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:57.800 Well, just how did you feel like in your blackness 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:00.680 in a way hanging out with people? Did you have 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:04.000 black friends? Did you have? But really where were you at? 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:05.080 Like how did you fit? 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:07.760 It was? But I also on my mom's side of 0:16:07.760 --> 0:16:11.320 the family was the only black person. I remember not 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:14.680 being able to talk to my mom's sister about like 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.080 my hair. I wasn't able to because her hair is 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:20.920 wildly different, or my grandmother having to always pay somebody 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:22.920 to braid my hair because she was like, I just 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:26.280 I literally can't. 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.680 Keep trying to do it, and I want you to 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:28.560 look good, and I want you. 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:32.360 To let's pay somebody to come and do it. And 0:16:32.400 --> 0:16:35.920 so to then jump into my dad's family and be 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:40.280 the I would say, the lightest skin black person. There 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.240 was this dynamic where I was like, what's our culture 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:46.000 over here? Tell me what we have? And he was 0:16:46.080 --> 0:16:50.320 like culture, I'm a cop, right, Like you're a CoP's daughter. 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:54.280 Now, No, totally, that's like a whole nother thing, you know, 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:57.880 like being a bit cut off from some kind of connection, 0:16:58.000 --> 0:16:59.000 some sort of something. 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:01.280 It's like, yeah, you could tell. When I asked him 0:17:01.280 --> 0:17:03.760 that he had never ever considered that before. Damn, like 0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:05.280 where our people are from? 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:05.720 Damn. 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:09.280 And I think I don't judge too many Black Americans 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:12.399 for feeling that way, but as somebody who had like 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:14.400 just searched my whole life to try to figure out 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:16.679 who I was, it was shocking to me that he 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:18.160 was like not even a little curious. 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:21.040 Well, also, your grandmother is Italian and Jewish exactly, which 0:17:21.080 --> 0:17:22.879 is like deep in the identity, do you know what 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:25.240 I mean? So there's probably a piece of that too 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:27.920 that you're kind of like carry over to your other side. 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:31.919 Yes, I even you know, you know, I like some 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:33.680 of the Jewish traditions. I washed my ants so as 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:35.840 I wake up, you know what I mean. And I 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.840 also like to celebrate Dwale. It's an Indian holiday. I 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:40.880 love it. I think it feels like the new Year 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.439 to me. So to kind of have this mix of 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.040 things that are important to me, and then for my 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:48.720 dad to be like, I don't know, like just try 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:50.919 to make money and like just like I don't know, 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.840 don't get arrested. I was like, what are we? What's 0:17:53.880 --> 0:18:00.560 our mantra? What flag is on the wall? I'm sad 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:03.680 and now that I've like taken you know, DNA tests 0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:05.359 and stuff like that, and I know that I'm a 0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:07.680 little Nigerian and I have people from like early old 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:10.439 I'm like, I love that. Yeah, And I was just like, 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:15.560 this is fun. Don't you just want to your identity celebrate? 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.800 You want to wonder because well we know where. 0:18:18.560 --> 0:18:21.800 We came from with it makes your storyteller. 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:24.119 Yeah, you gotta have the contacts. 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:26.520 It mattered to me. I was like, let's what are we. 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:29.640 Doing thinking back on it now, like do you think about, like, oh, 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:31.879 what was he feeling? How do you see him? 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:34.679 I remember him saying to me, like because he had 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:36.919 to travel to come see me. Once we decided to 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:38.520 meet up, and he was saying that he felt really 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:41.760