1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:02,960 Speaker 1: When I was a little girl, I asked my parents 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: to go to a Blockbuster to rent me Oz. That's 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 1: the graphic HBO series about a group of men in prison. 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:20,600 Speaker 1: What I meant to ask for was The Whiz. That's 5 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,200 Speaker 1: the black musical adventure film starring Diana Ross. But sometimes 6 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: things get lost in translation. 7 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:29,600 Speaker 2: That's comedian Chanelle Allie at our Last Boys Over Live Show. 8 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 1: And to be fair, I was a weird kid. To 9 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: be even more fair, they weren't my parents. They were 10 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,920 Speaker 1: just my foster parents, one group out of many. I 11 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,560 Speaker 1: don't even remember their names in particular. But still I 12 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 1: wonder what it was like with them driving a Blockbuster 13 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 1: that day. Did they ride in silence thinking about what 14 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,120 Speaker 1: they were gonna do, then get back in the car 15 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 1: and start to ponder, Well, maybe Chanelle just loves a 16 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 1: good HBO series. Well, you know, honey, I bet you 17 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 1: Chanelle cares about prison reform regardless. I watched three episodes 18 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: before I was convinced Michael Jackson is not in this 19 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: and this soundtrack is gloomy as hill. 20 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 2: The Whiz isn't the only thing Chanelle had to find 21 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 2: on her own. Her story takes us through her quest 22 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 2: to find her biological family and break generational patterns, and 23 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,720 Speaker 2: before we go further be warned. When she told this 24 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 2: story at the live show, there was not a dry 25 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 2: eye in the house. I'm hopewondered and welcome to boys 26 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,560 Speaker 2: Over a space where we're learning and unlearning. All the 27 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 2: myths were taught about love and relationships. 28 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 1: I live in a lot of different homes growing up. 29 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 1: I got taken away from my mom when I was two. 30 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: She had experimented with drugs in the eighties because she 31 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 1: was really pretty. Even though she got clean prior to 32 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 1: being pregnant with me, some of those experiences left her 33 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,560 Speaker 1: a little dilapidated. I always described my mom as a 34 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,639 Speaker 1: shell of a person. She would just disappear in the 35 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,800 Speaker 1: middle of conversation, and by the time I was five, 36 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,959 Speaker 1: I had some questions about it. I'd be like, I 37 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,360 Speaker 1: don't understand this. Why can't you come get me? People 38 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 1: keep saying you're sick. You look fine. That outfit is lit. 39 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 2: Chanelle, Welcome to boy Sover. 40 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. 41 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 2: Of course, you grew up in foster care, in a 42 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 2: foster family. 43 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 1: With a lot of foster families, but also with like 44 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 1: some extended family, like some aunts and some uncles. I 45 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:35,919 Speaker 1: was around. 46 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, okay, and your mom was in your life, 47 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,640 Speaker 2: you were just not living with her. 48 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: Well, I got taken away from her when I was two. 49 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: She was diagnosed with bipolar and paraheid schizophrenia. And then 50 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: I got taken over my grandmother when I was like six, 51 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: and then I was in the system. So she was like, 52 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: you know, I always describe her as like a shell 53 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: of a person. Yeah, just I was never really able 54 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: to communicate with her for very long. She would just 55 00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 1: drift off in the middle of a sentence. 56 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, I totally I understand watching someone interact with somebody 57 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,360 Speaker 2: who you love and care about and seeing them do 58 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 2: it in a way where you're like, that's not really working. 59 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:11,080 Speaker 1: Yeah. 60 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 2: How old were you when you were like having those 61 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 2: realization five? 62 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 1: Really young? Yeah. I think also that relationship taught me 63 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: a lot about love, you know, because here was this 64 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: family dynamic where was like, she's supposed to be taking 65 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: care of me. But as soon as I had my wherewithal, 66 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: I felt like I am in control and I'm kind 67 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: of handling a lot of these conversations. And even when, 68 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,880 Speaker 1: like a social worker would say to me, well, you 69 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 1: can't live with your mom because she's sick. They would 70 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: never say it's because she's bipolar parents, that's right. They 71 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: would just say sick. But even though I didn't have 72 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: the words, I was like, she's not sick. And I 73 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: have this memory that I talk about in my One 74 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: Woman show where I kind of break down this relationship 75 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,840 Speaker 1: with my mom. I remember having visitation with her a 76 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 1: lot while I was out austral care and one time 77 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 1: I had visitation and we were just laughing, just hysterically 78 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 1: giggling for what seemed like an eternity. I remember asking 79 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 1: her in the middle of it, like what are we 80 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 1: laughing at? And she, without missing a beat, was like, 81 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, and then we just started laughing again. 82 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: And it was like moments like that where I always 83 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 1: felt like if someone else saw that interaction, they'd be like, 84 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 1: something's wrong with her. But to me, I was like, 85 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 1: this lady's chilling, Like I never saw TV mom's act 86 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,359 Speaker 1: like that. You know, I knew she was different, but 87 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 1: I appreciated it about her. I just also wish she 88 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 1: would like make dinner, you know what I'm saying totally, 89 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: So it was like I understood that she couldn't take 90 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: care of us. But yeah, she had visitation for a 91 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,599 Speaker 1: couple of years, but then after a while not really Okay. Yeah, 92 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,480 Speaker 1: so by the time I was like eight, I really 93 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:34,160 Speaker 1: wasn't seeing her. 94 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 2: And when you were eight, you were with your grandmother. No, 95 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 2: what's your grandmother's vibe? 96 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,840 Speaker 1: She's Italian, a Jewish Italian lady. You know, hung out 97 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: with only black people. A lot of people used to 98 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: think she was black, including me, until I'm wasten out 99 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,160 Speaker 1: in junior high and you were like, wait. You know, 100 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,160 Speaker 1: I went to Target and then the next day I 101 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: went to school and this girl was like, what are 102 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 1: you doing with that, oh white lady? And I was like, 103 00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: what are you talking about? 104 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 2: Totally I was like, well she looks white. 105 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 1: You know. But yeah, she was hilarious and honestly, like 106 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: my grandmother was, like I would say, my greatest champion 107 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 1: throughout my whole life. She really was the core of, 108 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: like I would say, some of my sense of humor, 109 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: but also like my self confidence. You know. She did 110 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 1: not take shit from nobody. I mean, if she gave 111 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,120 Speaker 1: you a coupon for two cents off and she didn't 112 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 1: get it, we're going to drive back to the store. 113 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, we're gonna figure that out. 114 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 1: It's not gonna make sense financially, but it's the principle 115 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 1: of money on gas. Yeah. And I think she really, 116 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 1: you know, appreciated having a black grandchild, and she really 117 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,840 Speaker 1: like relished in that. She was like, I want to 118 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,480 Speaker 1: teach you about all of the things that the world 119 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: is going to assume about you and how some of 120 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,360 Speaker 1: these interactions are going to play out. And I want 121 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 1: you to understand what you know once you start school, 122 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 1: why they're doing this or why this is happening. And 123 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: I just think she was like always on my team, 124 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: even though she wasn't my guardian. She always had visitation 125 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 1: no matter where I moved, Like I wouldn't have been 126 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,680 Speaker 1: able to afford a prom dress, I wouldn't have been 127 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 1: able to do a lot of the things as a 128 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 1: kid if my grandmother wasn't constantly checking in, sending me 129 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: something and just like being my champion. And then you know, 130 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 1: when I was seventeen, I met my dad. 131 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:18,560 Speaker 2: Right and see me about wanting to meet him. Yeah, 132 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 2: where did those thoughts kind of begin? Like at where 133 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,159 Speaker 2: were you in life when you were like I think. 134 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,159 Speaker 1: I should I mean pretty much. As soon as I 135 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: went into foster care, I was like, where's my father? 136 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: Like I'm having visitation with my mom, and I'm like, hey, 137 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 1: real quick, yeah, yeah, yeah, who's my dad? Can you write? 138 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 1: Do you just real quick? Can you write the same? 139 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,600 Speaker 1: Why have you? Why have you? You know? She just 140 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: goes she just goes off, you know, she's just off 141 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: floating in the room. And so I was like obsessed 142 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 1: with trying to find him. She would tell me his 143 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: name and she would say, I know he's your dad, 144 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: I just can't find him. So, like, as soon as 145 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: the internet became a thing totally, I was on it. 146 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 1: I went to the bank to get my first debit 147 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: card just so I could pay for some online services 148 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: that it was going to find his address. Whoa, because 149 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,480 Speaker 1: I can't like ask anybody, Nobody's gonna help me with this. 150 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 1: And so yeah, I got my first debit card, I 151 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,720 Speaker 1: paid for the service that gave me his address. My 152 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,640 Speaker 1: grandmother took me there. She knew what you were up to. 153 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: I was keeping a secret. I was terrified to tell 154 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 1: anybody because I don't know. I don't know that this 155 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: guy's my dad and I'm about to go to his 156 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: house and I'm a kid. 157 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 2: You're a kid, that's the thing. 158 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 1: You're fourteen. So I was like, if I do have 159 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: a dad, it would be lit if he like showed up. 160 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: So she I'm terrified to tell her, like, hey, I 161 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: paid for this service and I found this address and 162 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: I think it's my dad. And I tell her and 163 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: I'm like so terrified that she's gonna be like, you 164 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: went to the bank, and she was like, let's find him. 165 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: Heck yeah, she took me there. It was raining because 166 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: we like to be dramatic. Oh, and I knock on 167 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 1: this door, and I'm just feeling this energy, like this 168 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 1: man is about to open the door, and he's probably 169 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: gonna be like a tall version of me. I don't know, 170 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna he's he'll know as soon as he 171 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 1: sees me, he'll know. And he never answers the door. 172 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,080 Speaker 1: Nobody ever comes, and I just wait in the rain. 173 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: I wait, I wait, and then his neighbor comes home 174 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: and he sees this little girl crying in the rain 175 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: and he's like, oh that guy, yeah, he did used 176 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: to live there, but he moved like a year ago 177 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: and he didn't leave like affording address. I never heard 178 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: from him again, and I just felt like I was 179 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 1: so close. It destroyed me for a little bit because 180 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 1: I was like, he's real and I almost had him, 181 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,880 Speaker 1: and I'm a genius, but my grandmother drives slow, and 182 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: there's all these yellows like you should ye, yeah, you know. 183 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,559 Speaker 1: It just felt like you to deal with. I kept 184 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 1: telling myself that, like, I'm getting older, Like two years 185 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: after that, I was like sixteen. Now I'm preparing for 186 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: college and I'm about to start, you know, focusing on 187 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 1: my future. So I was like, Shanelle, you can't just 188 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: keep trying to find him. You know, hopefully he will. 189 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,839 Speaker 1: But I do think that I manifested it a little 190 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 1: bit because I was still very focused on him, like 191 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: I wish my dad would show up? Where's my dad? 192 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 1: Who is my dad? Really could use a dad in here. 193 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 2: Can I ask you how you were imagining him like 194 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 2: his qualities. 195 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 1: I think I assumed that he probably looked a lot 196 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: like me because my mom is half Italian obviously and 197 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,320 Speaker 1: half Indian, so she's not much black at all, Like 198 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: she has a little bit of a mix, but we 199 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: have a lot of the similar features, but we don't 200 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: really look alike. So I've always known like, oh, well, 201 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 1: my dad must be black and he probably looks like me. 202 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:19,320 Speaker 1: So I think I envisioned like just a really handsome man, 203 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 1: which he is, which he is, so it was right. Yeah, 204 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: But yeah, I think I envisioned like this warm energy 205 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: and like a big Papa bear type guy. 206 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 2: I like an embrace, like a warm embrace. 207 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't even know why. Maybe I think 208 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 1: I was influenced by a lot of movies. 209 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 2: I wonder what stories, Yeah, like influencing your. 210 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 1: Probably mostly like Blair Underwood the actor. 211 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 2: For sure. 212 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: I was like, that's like, probably what my dad is like, 213 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: probably you know, yeah, little Eddie Murphy probably in there. Yeah, 214 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: probably little my dad. 215 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 2: Uh So when you met him, Yeah, talk to me 216 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 2: about that moment. 217 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: So I tracked him down after we took a court 218 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: ordered paternity test, but the government didn't give me his 219 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 1: address or his phone number. 220 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 2: A court ordered paternity test, Like, how does that process work? 221 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 2: And how did you feel through that process? 222 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,040 Speaker 1: It's like when you're a foster kid or you're living 223 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 1: with someone else. If it's gone through the government, then 224 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 1: that person gets money every month to take care of you, 225 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: and that means that those kids technically become a bill. 226 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,719 Speaker 1: M they become a bill in the system that needs 227 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,319 Speaker 1: to be rectified. And so as I was nearing eighteen, 228 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: whatever caseworker was trying to get that case off of 229 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,599 Speaker 1: her desk. I'm sure, and she was like, well, we 230 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,320 Speaker 1: have this one piece of paper because he wasn't on 231 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,320 Speaker 1: my birth certificate, but this say is this guy's name, 232 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: Let's look him up. When I was seventeen, I got 233 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,680 Speaker 1: a letter from the government. They were on that piece 234 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,440 Speaker 1: of paper. They asked for my DNA. They said they 235 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: had found a guy that I thought was my father, 236 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: and there was the same name that I had been searching, 237 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 1: the same name that my mother had brought up, the 238 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 1: same name that I was never sure if it was 239 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 1: even real. They swabbed my cheek, tested my DNA. I 240 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: got a letter in the mail a couple weeks later. 241 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: It said, hey, that's the one. It told me that 242 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: my father was a cop. That's why I hadn't been 243 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: able to find him all of these years, because you 244 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: can't look up a cop. You could get a ticket 245 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: tonight from a cop. All you have is their name. 246 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: You can't find their address with their phone number. And 247 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 1: this is pre Facebook before cops were online talking about 248 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:32,839 Speaker 1: the blacks are always resisting. My father was super unlisted, 249 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: but still, what's the notion that he was a cop 250 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: in a certain state. I knew that I could find him. 251 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: I got out a phone book, I got out a map. 252 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: I started in the city my mom was born, and 253 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: I started calling police stations day after day after day 254 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,439 Speaker 1: after day, saying, do you have an officer by this name? 255 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: Have you ever heard of an officer by this name? 256 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 1: Day after day after day, until one day a guy answered. 257 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: He said, yeah, we got an officer by that name 258 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 1: in this precinct. I was shocked. I hadn't thought of 259 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: what I would say next. I hadn't gone that far 260 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: in my plan. I said, can I leave a message? Yeah, lady, 261 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: what do you want to say? Just my name and 262 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:16,560 Speaker 1: my number? And then I waited beyond just having a 263 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:21,680 Speaker 1: relationship with him. I was seeking closure, like I was 264 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 1: prepared to call him and him say, yeah, I know 265 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 1: I know about you, and I don't want this. And 266 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,960 Speaker 1: I've known this whole time. I've been running. Why do 267 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: you keep finding me? Why are you looking for me 268 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:31,679 Speaker 1: so hard? 269 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,720 Speaker 2: Behind me this whole time? And said that you were 270 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 2: over there I heard a little girl was looking for me, 271 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 2: and I got scared. 272 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 1: I was just like so convinced that whether it was 273 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 1: good or bad, if he would just tell me, I 274 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 1: could let it go and maybe I could focus. So yeah, 275 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: eventually he called, and he sounded very well meaning, and 276 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: so then we scheduled to meet. 277 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,200 Speaker 2: What did he say on that phone call? 278 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: He left a voicemail, actually, and I have it like 279 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: pretty burned into my memory, and it was like, Hey, 280 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 1: this is so and so I can't believe you found me. 281 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for calling me. I want to 282 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 1: start out by saying I never denied you. I never 283 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,960 Speaker 1: was sure if you were my daughter. You know, I 284 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 1: know that you're about to graduate high school, but like, 285 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: I'm here, please call me. I want to have a 286 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 1: relationship with you. Like all of the things he said, 287 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: the right thing. Yes, I remember listening to the voicemail. 288 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,880 Speaker 1: I'm at a track of me and I'm just crying, crying, crying, 289 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: just pouring us, pouring, pouring, pouring out of me. And 290 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,920 Speaker 1: I was just like, Okay, so let's go. And so 291 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 1: we meet in the parking lot of a Chili's restaurant 292 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: because I like dramatics, baby. 293 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 2: I mean that's just like an American family and family 294 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,319 Speaker 2: American store, like you know what I. 295 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 1: Mean, Chili, No, I'm in the chili. We met in 296 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 1: the park life and then we went in and I'll. 297 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,560 Speaker 2: Tell you there's nothing like a conversation with your distant 298 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,119 Speaker 2: father at a chain. 299 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: Restaurant, like you know what I mean. 300 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 2: For me and my father, like we were always having 301 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 2: these like emotional talks about his ability and capability as 302 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,319 Speaker 2: a time at a Ruby Tuesday. 303 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: That's right. 304 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 2: I don't know if you're familiar, yes, but like that 305 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 2: is where fathers are. Some something happened really able to 306 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 2: Like it's the TV, the terms with something. 307 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: Maybe they should start doing family therapy. 308 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 2: And like, honestly, I think it would be nice. 309 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: Thursday, you know market get bad. Yeah, we met. The 310 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: first time I walked up to him. It's like walking 311 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 1: up to a mirror, a mirror that only shows you 312 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: certain parts of yourself. I looked in his eyes and 313 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,640 Speaker 1: I saw my own eyes looking back at me. It 314 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,640 Speaker 1: was weird. It was like he got him from me, 315 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: like maybe I was his dad. He was kind of 316 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,200 Speaker 1: like what I imagined. He was very like very buff, 317 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,640 Speaker 1: like bodybuilder buff, and he told me he had won 318 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 1: the title of like bodybuilding competitions a few years like 319 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: has awards and medals. He was like, oh, I'm an 320 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:00,960 Speaker 1: award winning cop, you know. He just he was like 321 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 1: longer than yeah. He was like, I'll be saving people. 322 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,720 Speaker 1: I was like, we're not taking care of him. 323 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 2: Weird, so weird. 324 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: We have a lot of duties, right, But no, he 325 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,920 Speaker 1: was like we had such similar mannerisms. He was so charismatic. 326 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: We're sitting in this Chili's and he's talking to me 327 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:24,240 Speaker 1: like he's know life. I'm going to be like, yeah, 328 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: so I was your mom was Wallen, and I just, 329 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,600 Speaker 1: you know, I wasn't sure and I heard that you 330 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,080 Speaker 1: were moving around and I couldn't like really track you down, 331 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: and like I didn't even care about that. I was 332 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 1: like so so over that it was. I was so 333 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,360 Speaker 1: excited to ask my dad where are our people from? 334 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 1: Because I obviously like we're from Africa, but like, you know, 335 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: because I had been trying to find out who I 336 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: was my whole life, and he was like, yeah, I 337 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,480 Speaker 1: don't know, we're from like Mississippi or something. 338 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 2: Can I ask you kind of a question that might 339 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 2: find that I don't know if. 340 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: It's going to go for it to the line, get it. 341 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 2: Well, just how did you feel like in your blackness 342 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 2: in a way hanging out with people? Did you have 343 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 2: black friends? Did you have? But really where were you at? 344 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,080 Speaker 2: Like how did you fit? 345 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 1: It was? But I also on my mom's side of 346 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: the family was the only black person. I remember not 347 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:14,680 Speaker 1: being able to talk to my mom's sister about like 348 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 1: my hair. I wasn't able to because her hair is 349 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 1: wildly different, or my grandmother having to always pay somebody 350 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,920 Speaker 1: to braid my hair because she was like, I just 351 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,280 Speaker 1: I literally can't. 352 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 2: Keep trying to do it, and I want you to 353 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 2: look good, and I want you. 354 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: To let's pay somebody to come and do it. And 355 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,920 Speaker 1: so to then jump into my dad's family and be 356 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: the I would say, the lightest skin black person. There 357 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: was this dynamic where I was like, what's our culture 358 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,000 Speaker 1: over here? Tell me what we have? And he was 359 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: like culture, I'm a cop, right, Like you're a CoP's daughter. 360 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 2: Now, No, totally, that's like a whole nother thing, you know, 361 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 2: like being a bit cut off from some kind of connection, 362 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 2: some sort of something. 363 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, you could tell. When I asked him 364 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,760 Speaker 1: that he had never ever considered that before. Damn, like 365 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: where our people are from? 366 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 2: Damn. 367 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: And I think I don't judge too many Black Americans 368 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 1: for feeling that way, but as somebody who had like 369 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,400 Speaker 1: just searched my whole life to try to figure out 370 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,679 Speaker 1: who I was, it was shocking to me that he 371 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,160 Speaker 1: was like not even a little curious. 372 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 2: Well, also, your grandmother is Italian and Jewish exactly, which 373 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,879 Speaker 2: is like deep in the identity, do you know what 374 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 2: I mean? So there's probably a piece of that too 375 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 2: that you're kind of like carry over to your other side. 376 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: Yes, I even you know, you know, I like some 377 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,680 Speaker 1: of the Jewish traditions. I washed my ants so as 378 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: I wake up, you know what I mean. And I 379 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,840 Speaker 1: also like to celebrate Dwale. It's an Indian holiday. I 380 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,880 Speaker 1: love it. I think it feels like the new Year 381 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,439 Speaker 1: to me. So to kind of have this mix of 382 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 1: things that are important to me, and then for my 383 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 1: dad to be like, I don't know, like just try 384 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,919 Speaker 1: to make money and like just like I don't know, 385 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: don't get arrested. I was like, what are we? What's 386 00:17:53,880 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: our mantra? What flag is on the wall? I'm sad 387 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,680 Speaker 1: and now that I've like taken you know, DNA tests 388 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 1: and stuff like that, and I know that I'm a 389 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 1: little Nigerian and I have people from like early old 390 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,439 Speaker 1: I'm like, I love that. Yeah, And I was just like, 391 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: this is fun. Don't you just want to your identity celebrate? 392 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 2: You want to wonder because well we know where. 393 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: We came from with it makes your storyteller. 394 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,119 Speaker 2: Yeah, you gotta have the contacts. 395 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: It mattered to me. I was like, let's what are we. 396 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,640 Speaker 2: Doing thinking back on it now, like do you think about, like, oh, 397 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,879 Speaker 2: what was he feeling? How do you see him? 398 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,679 Speaker 1: I remember him saying to me, like because he had 399 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,919 Speaker 1: to travel to come see me. Once we decided to 400 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: meet up, and he was saying that he felt really 401 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 1: lonely on the plane ride and like in the hotel 402 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 1: I guess that he had stayed in, and I think 403 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 1: it was like almost like this pilgrimage. I think he 404 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 1: felt like he was making to me, but I had 405 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: no sympathy for that, right, I didn't show it, but 406 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: I definitely felt that in the moment. I still feel 407 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: that way now, and I felt this way with a 408 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: lot of people in my life. I feel like when 409 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,439 Speaker 1: I started to talk to him about things that I 410 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: had been through. It was wildly uncomfortable for him, like 411 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,120 Speaker 1: to the point where I stopped. I was like, Okay, 412 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: I won't tell you about any of the other foster homes. 413 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:06,880 Speaker 2: You could sense it. 414 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, I was like, you're really uncomfortable with that. 415 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 2: Life is too heavy for you to hold. 416 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,199 Speaker 1: This lifetime story. You'd rather you'd rather not yea. And 417 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,960 Speaker 1: it wasn't that I wanted to like make him feel bad, 418 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: but I wanted to help him understand how I had 419 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,359 Speaker 1: been built up. I felt like that was important because 420 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,240 Speaker 1: I have these ideas of what a father daughter relationship 421 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,280 Speaker 1: is supposed to look like, but none of those relationships 422 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: that I saw depicted had a person like me. So 423 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I need you to understand that, 424 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: Like I don't even know how to have a dad, 425 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: So let's let me tell you, like some of what 426 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: the things I've been through. 427 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 2: Did you all? So after you met, did you maintain 428 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 2: a relationship? 429 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,160 Speaker 1: Yeah? But it was rocky because again I went from 430 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: being a foster kid who moved around a ton and 431 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 1: really never had much of an authority figure totally to 432 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: being a CoP's daughter. Yeah, and now I'm ingratiated into 433 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: Cop Barbecue's COPI basements. So he pulls you in, yes, 434 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 1: and he's like, it's this weird thing among the other 435 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,119 Speaker 1: cops where they're like, Wow, you found a daughter that 436 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: was in foster care this whole time. 437 00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:12,160 Speaker 2: Oh my god, you're such a good man for taking 438 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,680 Speaker 2: her and you're reunited. 439 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 1: It's this whole thing. And I felt a lot of 440 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:22,720 Speaker 1: disconnection with him, and I often felt like, well, if 441 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,880 Speaker 1: I didn't call him, we didn't talk. 442 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 2: Sure, And so. 443 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: By the time I graduated college, I was like, I 444 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,440 Speaker 1: know what it's like to not have a dad, right, 445 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,240 Speaker 1: and now I've had a dad, and it's been kind 446 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,640 Speaker 1: of shitty. Can it's you always have a gun. It's 447 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 1: just not relaxing. It's not relaxing as I thought it 448 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,640 Speaker 1: was gonna be first boyfriend home to me. You you're 449 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: cleaning your gun again. Why is your gun always so dirty? 450 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 2: God? 451 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: Like, this is insane, so dirty. 452 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,040 Speaker 2: I know you don't have to clean it all the time. 453 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,879 Speaker 1: You said you have used a locked cleaning it, and 454 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 1: I said, I was ringing rell over tonight. Right. You 455 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: knew he was good. My father made one promise to 456 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,200 Speaker 1: me when he met he met me at eighteen, he 457 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 1: said he would pay for my college education, a very 458 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 1: reasonable promise. Four years later I graduated, I afforded him 459 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: the first student loan bill. He wrote me back, he said, 460 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 1: what's this? I said, what's this? It's that thing. It's 461 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,119 Speaker 1: that thing that I've been working on, you know, the 462 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,880 Speaker 1: last four years, A thing that foster kids rarely get 463 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 1: to do, the thing that I had been focused on 464 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 1: before you ever came into my life. It's the thing, 465 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: he said, I don't really have the money for it. 466 00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:45,160 Speaker 1: You gonna have to figure it out. But my dad 467 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: had taken out private bank loans for me. There was 468 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 1: no deferring, there was no consolidating. They went into my 469 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: account and they took the money. Whether I had it 470 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,400 Speaker 1: or not. They would overdraw me. Sixty days from getting 471 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,400 Speaker 1: that first student loan bill, I had no viction notice 472 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 1: on my front door. For all of my efforts to 473 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: be self sufficient, my new dad showed up and shot me. 474 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 1: At the starting line. 475 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 2: In your story, you talk about like a big promise 476 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 2: he makes you. He promises to pay for your school. 477 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, he promises to pay for my student loans, which 478 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,160 Speaker 1: I think is like the right thing to do when 479 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,000 Speaker 1: you meet a girl, she's about to turn eighteen, and 480 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 1: she's she got into college herself. 481 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 2: I love that you say when you meet a girl, 482 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,920 Speaker 2: When you meet a girl and it's like his daughter. 483 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,880 Speaker 1: You met a girl and she's yours, and she's like, yeah, 484 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,119 Speaker 1: I'm not going to college. I benefuse her. Kid. I've 485 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 1: been I've you know, like I've overcome incredible things. Yeah, 486 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,119 Speaker 1: to accomplish this goal way before you even got here. 487 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 2: It wasn't unsolicited, though, it was unsolicited because I'm assuming 488 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 2: I would never ask for it. 489 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 1: Of course no, and I, without him, had already gotten 490 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 1: a few scholarships, so I was like already, like I 491 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: wouldn't know he was going to show up, you know, 492 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: I didn't know he's the answer to the phone. So 493 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: I had already been like, you know, getting it done, 494 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: but still definitely needed help. And also it was kind 495 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,160 Speaker 1: of this like do you that like, well, I'll go 496 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,919 Speaker 1: to Temple in Philly because it's close to Jersey and 497 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,159 Speaker 1: then I'll be able to continue, you know, this relationship. 498 00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:08,320 Speaker 2: You know, so you were making a choice sort of 499 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 2: somewhat based on. 500 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I could win anywhere. I had good grades. I 501 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 1: was getting scholarships, but yeah, So he promised to pay. 502 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,440 Speaker 1: And then throughout college we're really only talking here and there. 503 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,560 Speaker 1: We're just not talking that much, like you know, I 504 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,439 Speaker 1: don't know, a couple times a year we're talking. But 505 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: I forward him the first bill and he's like, what's 506 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: this m And he's like, why just don't have the money, 507 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: like tell them to defer it, tell them to you 508 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 1: know whatever. But he had taken out like private bank loans, 509 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,400 Speaker 1: like a like a bank called Wakovia, which I don't 510 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,119 Speaker 1: even think it exists anymore. And so you can't like 511 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,919 Speaker 1: consolidate those, you can't defer those. They're just kind of 512 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 1: take it. And so once he broke that promise to me, 513 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: it was like the icing on the cake where I 514 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,439 Speaker 1: was like, you know, I've literally forgiven you for not 515 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: being here. I survived without you this long. If you 516 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: can't keep this promise to me, I'm not going to 517 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,439 Speaker 1: look in your face every day and lie and be 518 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,359 Speaker 1: like this is my Daddy's amazing m hm. He's ruining 519 00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 1: my life and my credit. You. I wrote him a 520 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,080 Speaker 1: letter because I felt like you wouldn't really talk to 521 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: me about it. So I wrote him a letter, like 522 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,920 Speaker 1: put it in the mail and was just like, here's 523 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,880 Speaker 1: the numbers you said you would pay for this, because 524 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,520 Speaker 1: I'm still like living on my own, I'm working, I'm 525 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 1: trying to survive. And I was like, I'm not gonna 526 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: continue a relationship with you if you're not gonna keep 527 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 1: this promise. And he's like, well, you're gonna have to. 528 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,000 Speaker 2: Figure it out. 529 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,200 Speaker 1: He has no sympathy. You're gonna have to figure it out. 530 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: You could have nobody told you to go to Temple, 531 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: you know, you could have went somewhere it was cheap, 532 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 1: or just anything he can say to shirk the responsibility. 533 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 1: He's not, so then our relationship becomes like now we're 534 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: just only talking about the student loans. I was sitting 535 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,159 Speaker 1: in my apartment and I found myself obsessed with the 536 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,080 Speaker 1: YouTube series Finding Your Roots. That's where they have a 537 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:53,200 Speaker 1: celebrity on they test their DNA and they tell him 538 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:58,200 Speaker 1: something cool like your aunt is Pocahontas. That sounded write 539 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:02,360 Speaker 1: up my alley to find my Roots? Hey who books this? Hey? 540 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: How do I get on this? Somebody find my roots? 541 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,960 Speaker 1: Can you all find my roots? I was going crazy 542 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 1: that day. I watched ten hours of this YouTube series. Finally, 543 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:14,199 Speaker 1: I slammed the laptop shut. I pried myself away from it, 544 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,160 Speaker 1: only at that exact moment to get an email notification 545 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: on my phone. It was from Kevin Hart's production team. 546 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: They were asking me for a sample of my DNA 547 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 1: so that I could be in a commercial for twenty 548 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,679 Speaker 1: three and meters. How could this be? I was just 549 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: thinking about this. Could the FBI really be that efficient? 550 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,560 Speaker 1: They've bugged my tiny queen's apartment. They're watching my YouTube. 551 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: I had spit on a lot of things for free. 552 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:47,159 Speaker 1: I said, send the tube. They test my DNA. We 553 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,120 Speaker 1: fly to California to shoot the commercial, and the commercial 554 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,800 Speaker 1: was about my genetic predisposition. They told me I was 555 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,359 Speaker 1: most likely afraid of heights and good at public speaking. 556 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: They were right about both. I get back to New 557 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,200 Speaker 1: York City. I'm in an uber. It feels like a 558 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,480 Speaker 1: regular day. Then the twenty three and Me app buzzes. 559 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:06,480 Speaker 1: It says, your family tree is ready? Would you like 560 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,840 Speaker 1: to load it up? I said, load it up, baby, 561 00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:13,719 Speaker 1: I'm in an uber. I'm in New York City. I'm 562 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: in a uber. The app says, you know, here's you 563 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: at the bottom of your family tree, and here's your 564 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 1: half brother named Anthony from Philadelphia, and I never heard Anthony, 565 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: but I had dated quite a few Anthony's from Philadelphia. 566 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:27,840 Speaker 2: Which is an amazing piece. 567 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,280 Speaker 1: Of Then I felt like, oh, Kevin Hart set this up. 568 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: This is I'm being like punked. But it's like shameful 569 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,679 Speaker 1: because they're trying to expose me for unknowingly fucking my 570 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:42,359 Speaker 1: brother Hart. That's hilarious. I'm like, this uber has cameras 571 00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:44,720 Speaker 1: and if they're recording right now, they're trying. 572 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,240 Speaker 2: To get a take. Yeah. 573 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I tracked this guy down. I just like 574 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,200 Speaker 1: find a photo of him, and then I'm like, Okay, 575 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,120 Speaker 1: I didn't fuck this guy. We're so good, thank goodness, goodness. 576 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:55,320 Speaker 1: But then I really like and at first I didn't 577 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 1: know if he was my mother's son or my father's son, 578 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,000 Speaker 1: because my mom, you know, I haven't had a relationship. 579 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,159 Speaker 1: She's been out here band crazy. I was like, she 580 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: could add too the kid maybe you know. So then 581 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,120 Speaker 1: I message him on twenty three meters. I say hey 582 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 1: with a bunch of whys totally because I was like, 583 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 1: how do you even start this? I got a lot 584 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,560 Speaker 1: to tell you, And I was like, yeah, I think, 585 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,280 Speaker 1: like you know, I'm your sister, like, you're my parents 586 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,000 Speaker 1: have ever heard of them? And he writes me back 587 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,320 Speaker 1: and he's like, no, this is shocking. I've never heard 588 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,400 Speaker 1: those people. But my mom is white. I know I'm 589 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,320 Speaker 1: half black. I never met my dad. I said, guess what, Io, 590 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,920 Speaker 1: we got the same dad. Get in here. That sounds 591 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,960 Speaker 1: like something you would do. And so he writes me 592 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,879 Speaker 1: and he says that he's currently in Bahrain. He's in 593 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,360 Speaker 1: the Navy. He's been stationed there, which somewhat. 594 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,280 Speaker 2: Of an interesting thing that, you know, sort of the 595 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,879 Speaker 2: nature versus nurture question of like your dad being a 596 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,960 Speaker 2: cop and now he's in the navy. It's like, okay, 597 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 2: they're a little bit built for what a gun? 598 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: A gun? And he's like, oh, I'm I've told everybody 599 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,160 Speaker 1: on the base about my brand new sister and we're 600 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: watching your Comedy Central specials and like if like we're 601 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,280 Speaker 1: celebrating a birth. Like it's just wow, it's something I 602 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,640 Speaker 1: couldn't write. And I'm a great writer. 603 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:06,600 Speaker 2: I've written some pretty good ya. 604 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: And so he's like, I'm gonna take leave and I'll 605 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 1: come to Philly. I'll come see you. And so he 606 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: comes and he comes with me to a bunch of shows, 607 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:16,280 Speaker 1: and luckily they were great shows, so it was really fancy. Yeah, 608 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:18,199 Speaker 1: people are like, oh, miss Ali, would you I use 609 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,800 Speaker 1: your green room? And he's like, wow, you're my sister, 610 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,520 Speaker 1: you know, and it just was so healing. And he 611 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 1: reminded me a lot of my dad when I first 612 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,720 Speaker 1: met him. Obviously a little different in how they look, 613 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 1: but the same eyes, the same vibe, but more kind, 614 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,480 Speaker 1: you know, like more empathetic. And so I asked him, like, 615 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 1: do you want to meet her dad? Like, I'll give 616 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 1: you his phone number. I found it, I have it, 617 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: and so he's like, uh, yeah, I don't know, because 618 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: like the guy sounds like an asshole. And I was like, wow, 619 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,160 Speaker 1: my little brother's smarter than me. He already can tell 620 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: because this guy has two children running around that he 621 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,120 Speaker 1: and take care that maybe he's probably not gonna be 622 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,440 Speaker 1: because I was like, I don't know, maybe is gonna 623 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 1: be okay, you know, but yeah, I still, you know, 624 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: wanted to talk to my dad about it. And so 625 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: I messaged him and like we had probably gotten to 626 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,719 Speaker 1: that point of talking maybe twice a year, only ever 627 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:11,840 Speaker 1: about my student loans, nothing else. And I message him 628 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,280 Speaker 1: and I'm like Hey, I booked a commercial, took this test. 629 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 1: This kid is your kid. Here's his mom's name. You 630 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 1: ever date her? And he's like, I worked with her 631 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: an interance company, but we never dated. And like you 632 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,520 Speaker 1: need to just pay your student loans and stop smoking weed. 633 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 1: That's what he says. It really was one of those 634 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:33,719 Speaker 1: days that like, I don't think I've ever been more 635 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: angry in my life. The fact that he wasn't really 636 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,040 Speaker 1: able to discuss this with me, and he tried to 637 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: make it seem like the most he would consent to 638 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 1: was like, maybe he is my son, but if he is, 639 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 1: then it's my business and I'm going to investigate. And 640 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 1: I was like, you suck it, investigation. I found you, 641 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 1: I found him, I've done all of this, you know. 642 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 1: And that's the last thing that my father said to me, 643 00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:58,240 Speaker 1: is that I'm going to reach out to him and 644 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,719 Speaker 1: I'll figure it out. And so to oh that that 645 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,480 Speaker 1: was a lie was like such confirmation for me, because 646 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,959 Speaker 1: I do think that like when you are in this 647 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: dynamic with a parent and they tell you that something 648 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,280 Speaker 1: is right, you want to trust it, you want to 649 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:16,400 Speaker 1: believe it, you know. And so I told him that day, 650 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:21,040 Speaker 1: like if you're not gonna acknowledge this, at least that 651 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 1: you have not taken care of two kids and you've 652 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: been protected by it by your gun and badge that 653 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 1: you love so much. Then like, don't hit me up anymore, 654 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,280 Speaker 1: Just don't hit me up. And I think he said 655 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: something like I still want us to have a relationship, 656 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 1: and I was like, I felt like as a big sister, 657 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 1: I couldn't stomach that. I was like, I will not 658 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 1: ask you how your day has been when I know 659 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 1: you have a son that you have not researched, you 660 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,560 Speaker 1: have none investigator, you have not and I'm talking to 661 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 1: him and he's a great person, and so to me 662 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,520 Speaker 1: it was like, my dad is such an idiot. You 663 00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 1: have two really successful kids who don't really need you, 664 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,640 Speaker 1: And that made me feel that much more powerful. Honestly 665 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: that I was like, we are the legacy, me and him, 666 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:11,320 Speaker 1: we are we're not even holding your name, and we 667 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,959 Speaker 1: are the best parts of you, and we're very lucky 668 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,280 Speaker 1: and we weren't raised by you because who knows like 669 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,000 Speaker 1: the version of Chanelle that I would have been, she 670 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,720 Speaker 1: wasn't gonna like I'd be on stage, but probably like 671 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,600 Speaker 1: for a different reason, you know what I mean, We 672 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,160 Speaker 1: don't want to think about that. You know what I'm saying. 673 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. It would be a problem. 674 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 1: But yeah, I just it gave me this power to 675 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,760 Speaker 1: like have peace and resolve with it because we are 676 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,160 Speaker 1: the legacy we are, and we are making it so 677 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 1: much better by not continuing the things that our parents 678 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 1: have done. I think also my brother has helped me 679 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:50,880 Speaker 1: heal even more because I was this comedian who was 680 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:55,120 Speaker 1: accomplishing incredible goals, but I didn't have this like nuclear family. 681 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 1: I didn't like I have done so many comedy shows 682 00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 1: where I've met comedians and they're like, this is my 683 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,680 Speaker 1: mom and my dad. That's never been my experience. So 684 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: then I meet my new brother and he starts coming 685 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,400 Speaker 1: to all my shows and he's constantly saying, I'm so 686 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: proud of you. I can't believe my sister is a comedian. 687 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 1: I'm telling everybody, he's championing me in a way that 688 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 1: I've been searching the whole time. So to get that 689 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: exact thing that you needed so bad you didn't even 690 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 1: know you needed it until you got it. To get 691 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: that from my brother really makes me feel so much 692 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 1: more whole, Like, I'm so blessed that my dad is 693 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,440 Speaker 1: such a fuck up mm that me and my brother 694 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: had to become exceptional human beings and then find each other. Wow, 695 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,440 Speaker 1: you know, Like, I'm really blessed. We could have been 696 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: bums with a great dad. Yeah. 697 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 2: And there's something about like men and masculinity and like 698 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,400 Speaker 2: the inability to know what to do with fatherhood that 699 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:53,880 Speaker 2: doesn't allow you to bring that into your familial relationships. 700 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 1: I also always think that like daughters and sons, we 701 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,600 Speaker 1: are like the new and improved version of our parents 702 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,280 Speaker 1: in a lot of ways. So some of the things 703 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:06,640 Speaker 1: that they're able to perpetrate on the world, they can't 704 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 1: with us because we know it. We know it intrinsically. 705 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 1: I know the parts of my dad that I can't 706 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:17,040 Speaker 1: reconcile with because I have reconciled with those things with myself. 707 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 1: Like there was a time in my life when I 708 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,880 Speaker 1: wasn't able to accept criticism, whether it was constructive or not. 709 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:23,560 Speaker 1: There was a time in my life when you could 710 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,520 Speaker 1: not tell me nothing, And I had to learn from 711 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:28,800 Speaker 1: life that you will never become the best version of 712 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,720 Speaker 1: yourself if nobody can never tell you nothing. If nobody 713 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,320 Speaker 1: can ever call you out for what you've done. And 714 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,360 Speaker 1: so I understand that that part of him is so 715 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: big and so strong, and it's been there for so 716 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:40,960 Speaker 1: long that I'm not going to play with him, you know. 717 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 2: So how did you deal? 718 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: Like? 719 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:46,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, I just move forward. I mean Shirley to goodness, 720 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 2: not you wrote this show. I mean show making peace 721 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,440 Speaker 2: with it absolutely. 722 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,520 Speaker 1: I mean that day when I had that big argument 723 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,760 Speaker 1: with him. I started writing the show that day totally. 724 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:56,600 Speaker 1: And when I wrote the first paragraph of it, I 725 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,240 Speaker 1: was like, this is amazing. It's gonna run away and 726 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,640 Speaker 1: we're going to be because and that's also something that 727 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:05,560 Speaker 1: thing has helped me reconcile with it. Right, he was 728 00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:08,680 Speaker 1: protected by this badge so that the two kids that 729 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 1: he had could never find him. We couldn't find him, 730 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:16,839 Speaker 1: right and now by his lack of responsibility. I'm gonna 731 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 1: tell the story to everybody. I've already told the story worldwide. 732 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,720 Speaker 1: I've done the Melbourne Comedy Festival, I've taken it to London. 733 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,959 Speaker 1: It's around and it's gonna keep growing and it's gonna 734 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,440 Speaker 1: be part of my legacy forever. And the secret that 735 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:34,120 Speaker 1: you really thought you buried is now the cornerstone. I'm 736 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 1: gonna be totally and that's just ooh, that's delicious. I mean, yeah, 737 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: it's so good. 738 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,919 Speaker 2: What is one thing you've had to unlearn about love? 739 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:45,880 Speaker 1: I think it's something that I learned, like in the 740 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:51,919 Speaker 1: last few years, is that your body knows. And it's 741 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 1: really having me to say that, because for years I 742 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,560 Speaker 1: used to think that whether it was romantic love or 743 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,920 Speaker 1: familial love, if I was nervous around somebody, I used 744 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,839 Speaker 1: to feel like that that I respected them a lot, 745 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,560 Speaker 1: or that I really liked him, you know, like I 746 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,479 Speaker 1: really respect him as a man, because when he comes around, 747 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: I'd be like, better watch what I say. I'm scared. 748 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:17,759 Speaker 1: I don't know what he's gonna do, right, And like, 749 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,680 Speaker 1: through some work and through some therapy, I learned that, like, no, 750 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,000 Speaker 1: my body is reacting to certain parts of certain people 751 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: that I know well and that I know is not stable. 752 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:32,759 Speaker 1: And so like, seek out people in your life that 753 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:36,840 Speaker 1: make you feel calm, creative and loved. 754 00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:41,160 Speaker 2: Where did you like find this softness or something? 755 00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:42,560 Speaker 1: You know what I mean? 756 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:45,920 Speaker 2: Because you are powerful of course. 757 00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:46,319 Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. 758 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,399 Speaker 2: And the closing of your story, the end of your set, 759 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,680 Speaker 2: it is absolutely like get on your feet. People get 760 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,800 Speaker 2: out there, change your lives. 761 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:57,960 Speaker 1: It's around you. 762 00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:00,719 Speaker 2: Everyone's like, oh my god, let me break this now. Yeah, 763 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:05,480 Speaker 2: you do have this. There's like this vulnerability softness to 764 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,920 Speaker 2: it that's really like give yourself credit for what you 765 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:08,520 Speaker 2: have done. 766 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:11,120 Speaker 1: I also credit that to being a big sister. You know, 767 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 1: when I was going through foster care. I have another 768 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,440 Speaker 1: little brother. We have different dads, so he has his 769 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:19,719 Speaker 1: own bad dad story. But being a big sister throughout that, 770 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:23,239 Speaker 1: it taught me about how to motivate somebody. And also 771 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,840 Speaker 1: I just think when you self parent, I had to 772 00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:28,360 Speaker 1: one day decide what kind of parent I was going 773 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: to be for myself, and I knew that I wanted 774 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,319 Speaker 1: to be the kind that was going to be really 775 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:34,480 Speaker 1: disappointed in Chanel if she didn't do what she was 776 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:39,040 Speaker 1: supposed to do, but also understanding if today it was 777 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 1: too much and you had to be late because of 778 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:50,000 Speaker 1: you know, something else. And also therapy. Shout out to therapist. 779 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,160 Speaker 2: Do you have in your mind, like the biggest takeaway 780 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,520 Speaker 2: you want people to have from when you tell this story, 781 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 2: are you like, yes. 782 00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,920 Speaker 1: What is it? It's that we are not a con 783 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: nation of our traumas a lot of conversations. I think 784 00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 1: can feel that way when people ask you about what 785 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,799 Speaker 1: you've been through and what your parents are like, what 786 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,239 Speaker 1: your life was like. But we are actually a combination 787 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:15,320 Speaker 1: of all of the days after and what we chose 788 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,080 Speaker 1: to do. And when you think about your life, if 789 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,399 Speaker 1: you have been through hard things like this and you 790 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,880 Speaker 1: think about how you stop that cycle in your family, 791 00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:26,480 Speaker 1: how you are not the person that created a lifestyle 792 00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:30,239 Speaker 1: similar to yours. That is something to be so proud of. 793 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:34,279 Speaker 1: It's really a badge of honor to say that in 794 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 1: all of the legacy of my family, the toxicity stopped 795 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:41,680 Speaker 1: with me, right, So if you hear my voice, then 796 00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,480 Speaker 1: you have people in your life who lie to you, 797 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:49,560 Speaker 1: manipulate you, gaslight you, and you're wondering when is it 798 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,279 Speaker 1: gonna end? When are they going to stop all the 799 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,360 Speaker 1: bullshit and own up to the hand that they played 800 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,879 Speaker 1: and the trauma that you felt. When is it gonna end? 801 00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:01,359 Speaker 1: When is it gonna end? We are the end? We 802 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:03,640 Speaker 1: are the end. I am the end. My future kids 803 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:06,280 Speaker 1: will never know the depths of the things that I've seen. 804 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:10,200 Speaker 1: And you, you all are a combination of your parents' 805 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,919 Speaker 1: greatest abilities, a version of themselves. That they could never 806 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:17,719 Speaker 1: be more grand, more wild. We are the end. We 807 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:19,840 Speaker 1: are the generation that's not having kids when we're not 808 00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,880 Speaker 1: ready for them. We are the generation that's not gonna 809 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,880 Speaker 1: stay in a toxic relationship for forty fucking years wondering 810 00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,600 Speaker 1: what happened to our heart, what happened to our life. 811 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,759 Speaker 1: We're not gonna work a job for a lifetime to 812 00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,480 Speaker 1: make someone else rich. We are not gonna witness atrocities 813 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,080 Speaker 1: near or far and feel nothing. We are the end. 814 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:43,799 Speaker 1: We are the end. I am the end. This is 815 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,040 Speaker 1: the end. Thank you so much. 816 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,120 Speaker 2: Thank you so much to Chanelle for being so open 817 00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,759 Speaker 2: and sharing your story with us, one who has some 818 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:05,360 Speaker 2: generational healing to do. This story was so inspiring to me. 819 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,880 Speaker 2: Thanks everyone for listening, and I'll talk to y'all next week. 820 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:26,839 Speaker 2: Boy Sover is a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hopewordard. 821 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:31,640 Speaker 2: Our executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our 822 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:36,800 Speaker 2: supervising producer is Emily Meronoff. Our assistant producer is Logan Palau. 823 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:42,880 Speaker 2: Engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering by Abu Zafar. 824 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,920 Speaker 2: If you liked this episode, please tell a friend, and 825 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,200 Speaker 2: don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to boy Sober 826 00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, and wherever you get 827 00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:54,920 Speaker 2: your favorite shows.