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Speaker 1: Kevin is the dumbest student I have ever taught. And

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Speaker 1: here's a few reasons why. I mean, is my boy

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Speaker 1: dad dumb boy? That's dumb. This is the tale of

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Speaker 1: Kevin the fool Kevin. It's not uncommon as a teacher

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Speaker 1: to have students who are a bit behind the curve

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Speaker 1: in certain aspects, but ninety nine point nine nine nine

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Speaker 1: percent of the time they are keen on something. They

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Speaker 1: might not understand how to identify a noun or what

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Speaker 1: theme is, but they know how to make a mean

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Speaker 1: plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick not to judge

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Speaker 1: fish by their tree climbing ability, you know, smart. I

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Speaker 1: think everyone has their different areas of competency. That's right.

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Speaker 1: I thought this was the rule when I was teaching

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Speaker 1: until I met Kevin. Oh, Kevin isn't his real name,

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Speaker 1: but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway.

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Speaker 1: Oh oh god, yikes. Kevin was a student of mine

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Speaker 1: my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom

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Speaker 1: with very little to show for his academic past. He

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Speaker 1: had moved a few times, and this was missing a

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Speaker 1: lot of typical test scores that we used to try

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Speaker 1: to ballpark their ability don't worry, it was a ballpark.

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Speaker 1: We didn't make major decisions until we actually had a

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Speaker 1: chance to talk and work with the student for a bit.

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Speaker 1: I thought, that's fine, I'll do some one on one

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Speaker 1: with Kevin to see what's up. One on one with

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Speaker 1: Kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in

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Speaker 1: a freak, if not impossible, amnesia accident. There was no

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Speaker 1: evidence that he had learned anything past his second grade. Wow,

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Speaker 1: and now he was in ninth grade. Oh God, flabbergasted.

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Speaker 1: I figured we needed to get more serious with this.

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Speaker 1: If he was going to be in my class, I

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Speaker 1: needed to know why and how. I decided to meet

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Speaker 1: with him his guidance counselor his parents, and another teacher

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Speaker 1: to see what was really going on. This is when

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Speaker 1: it all became so clear. Ough it was by some

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Speaker 1: incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the

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Speaker 1: face of the earth years ago. Odds are his entire

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Speaker 1: heritage was based on blind luck and some type of

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Speaker 1: sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a

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Speaker 1: threat prevents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this

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Speaker 1: null achievement. Even my instructional lead a woman who could

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Speaker 1: find a redeeming trait in a ball? Rog? Ballrog? Is

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Speaker 1: that is that creature from Lord of the Rings? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Nice attack. Scandalf failed to see any reason this kid

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Speaker 1: or his family should be alive today. Wow, I mean yikes.

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Speaker 1: So here's a list of events that made it abundantly

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Speaker 1: clear that God exists and he's laughing uncontrollably. One Kevin

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Speaker 1: frequently forgot when and where class was On more than

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Speaker 1: one occasion I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.

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Speaker 1: Two Kevin ate an entire twenty four pack of crayons, puked,

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Speaker 1: and then did it again the next day. No, this

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Speaker 1: was ninth grade. I have no idea where he got

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Speaker 1: the crayon.

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Speaker 2: No.

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Speaker 1: Oh, Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to

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Speaker 1: me his English teacher. This was a public school. When

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Speaker 1: I gave it back to Kevin, voided to give to

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Speaker 1: his dad with a brief note explaining that this is

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Speaker 1: a public school. Kevin got in trouble for trying to

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Speaker 1: spend it at a seven to eleven After school, Kevin

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Speaker 1: was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a

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Speaker 1: cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire.

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Speaker 1: Oh No, Twice Kevin threw his lunch at the school

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Speaker 1: resource officer and tried to run away. He ran into

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Speaker 1: a door and insisted it wasn't him. Of course, Kevin

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Speaker 1: stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang

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Speaker 1: and he denied that it was ringing, not that it

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Speaker 1: wasn't his, not that he did it. No, he denied

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Speaker 1: that the phone was ringing. Keep keep him on their toes. Yeah, exactly, ringing. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: He tried it three times before the end of the year.

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Speaker 1: Kevin called the basketball coach a motherfucking bitch, shuring Jim

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Speaker 1: basketball tryouts for that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It did

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Speaker 1: not go well. Kevin's mom could never remember which school

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Speaker 1: he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove

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Speaker 1: to other schools, none of which he went to. Wow,

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Speaker 1: Kevin tased himself in the neck before a football game. Oh.

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Speaker 1: Kevin kept a bottle of orange kool Aid in his

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Speaker 1: backpack for four months. He thought it would turn into alcohol.

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Speaker 1: He drank it during home room and threw up. Oh God,

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Speaker 1: Kevin said the N word a lot. Oh. Kevin was white.

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Speaker 1: The high school was eighty four percent black. Kevin got

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Speaker 1: beat up a lot, Kevin, You think he would learn, Kevin?

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Speaker 1: Kevin stole another student's iPhone and tried to sell it

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Speaker 1: back to them, My little entrepreneur. Wow. Kevin didn't understand

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Speaker 1: and that his grade was dependent on tests, quizz's homework,

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Speaker 1: class work, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with

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Speaker 1: a three percent average. He tried to bribe me with

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Speaker 1: eleven dollars Hey fudge money. Kevin spit on a girl

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Speaker 1: and said you should get out of those wet clothes.

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Speaker 1: The girl was the Spanish student teacher. Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: Kevin didn't know that cats and dogs were different animals.

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Speaker 1: Kevin tried to download corn onto a computer in the

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Speaker 1: library at the circulation desk. While he was logged on,

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Speaker 1: Kevin asked a girl to prom. He was in the

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Speaker 1: ninth grade and freshmen don't go to prom by asking

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Speaker 1: for her phone number and then texting her his address.

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Speaker 1: Kevin got gum in his hair constantly. Kevin regularly tried

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Speaker 1: to cheat on assignments by knocking the pileover, grabbing one

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Speaker 1: before I had picked them all up, and then writing

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Speaker 1: his name on it wherever there was room. Kevin had

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Speaker 1: several allergies, but neither of his parents could remember what

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Speaker 1: they are. They were very concerned that the holiday party,

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Speaker 1: it's high school, we don't have those would have peanuts.

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Speaker 1: When they finally got a doctor's note, he was allergic

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Speaker 1: to Ammock's Sicilian, which a mock Sicilian. What is that?

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Speaker 3: It's like a antibiotics.

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Speaker 1: Oh.

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Speaker 3: Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau. Nassau,

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Speaker 3: I think that's in ah. It's like in Jamaica, Barbados

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Speaker 3: or something. Yeah, Bahamas, Yeah, Bahamas. How the f did

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Speaker 3: they even get airline tickets? And they forgot all their

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Speaker 3: luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told

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Speaker 3: me until I talked to his mom, who told me

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Speaker 3: first thing when I saw her at the bi weekly meeting.

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Speaker 3: Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can

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Speaker 3: only assume God was looking the other way that day. Ope,

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Speaker 3: he's a great writer relevant comments. I have to ask

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Speaker 3: was he popular with the girls.

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Speaker 1: It was like watching a greased up orangutang try to

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Speaker 1: climb up a water slide. And this is from ap

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Speaker 1: We were doing an assignment on personification and I had

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Speaker 1: people describe their pets using it Welcome to America, where

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Speaker 1: we teach personification in high school. I know Kevin didn't

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Speaker 1: have any pets, but he said his neighbor had a

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Speaker 1: cat and he played with it sometimes. He listed off

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Speaker 1: three or four things, and it became really apparent that

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Speaker 1: he was describing a dog. At first, I thought that

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Speaker 1: maybe he had trouble figuring out the right way to

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Speaker 1: say it. But after two or three sentences, it was

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Speaker 1: abundantly clear that this was a really big dog. Someone

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Speaker 1: else who lived on the same street from two and

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Speaker 1: two together as well and said Kevin, that's not a cat,

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Speaker 1: that so and so's black lab. Kevin was absolutely floored

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Speaker 1: that a someone else lived on his street, and b

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Speaker 1: there was a difference between a black lab and house cat.

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Speaker 1: Like I am only guessing, but I think to him,

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Speaker 1: dog and cat were interchangeable terms like hat and cap.

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Speaker 1: Opie also says despite numerous tests and assessments and meetings

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Speaker 1: and just overall study, no one could ever say he

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Speaker 1: had any kind of learning disability. No IEP, no five

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Speaker 1: oh four, no special file, no caseworker or advocate. Just Kevin,

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Speaker 1: his mom, his dad, and zero brain matter. I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: sure his mother was some kind of physical therapist. His

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Speaker 1: dad no idea. I only met them a few times,

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Speaker 1: but he always wore a pretty nice suit, or at

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Speaker 1: least was business casual. They both drove decently new cars,

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Speaker 1: and his house was in a nice subdivision. I'm assuming

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Speaker 1: that for what they lacked in common sense, they made

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Speaker 1: up for in specialized knowledge of some sort. For all

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Speaker 1: I know, his dad could be a brilliant plastic surgeon.

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Speaker 1: And there is an update on Kevin because this story

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Speaker 1: was like years ago. Legendary one is a legendary story,

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Speaker 1: so there is an update. But also, like, I have

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Speaker 1: a friend. I have a friend, This friend that is

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Speaker 1: the ditsiest human ever. Yeah, like has gotten in like

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Speaker 1: a ton of car accidents for no reason, has gotten

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Speaker 1: like thousands of dollars in parking tickets. Well, I guess

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Speaker 1: you've gotten that. Wait, who are you talking about? I

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Speaker 1: know the dumbest man ever sitting right next to me.

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Speaker 1: Let's see what else. There's there's been some really egregious

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Speaker 1: ones she's missed, like like multiple multiple flights, like all

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Speaker 1: like almost repetitively. Yeah, if I call a friend, he'll

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Speaker 1: he'll have a story. There you go, I like that, so, uh,

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Speaker 1: you're on okop right now? Do you have like three minutes?

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Speaker 1: Give me one second though, So they basically we're telling

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Speaker 1: this story about this guy named Kevin who's like not

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Speaker 1: doesn't have anything like legitimately wrong with him, but is

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Speaker 1: like the ditsiest human alive and reminded me about our

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Speaker 1: mutual friend. And I was wondering if you had a

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Speaker 1: story that you could share about our dissius friend. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: who are you referring to what I usual friend DIDs?

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Speaker 1: Oh story? But okay.

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Speaker 2: So once called me saying she has lost her keys

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Speaker 2: to her car and she's locked out of her car,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, okay, what do you want.

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Speaker 1: Me to do?

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Speaker 4: She's like, can you come to Hollywood from West LA.

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Speaker 2: With the keys?

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Speaker 4: And I was like hell now, it's like a forty

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Speaker 4: minute one way trip, so that'll take me more and

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Speaker 4: a half hours back and forth. And she's like I

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Speaker 4: was like, well, can I just put them.

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Speaker 3: In an uber?

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Speaker 4: She's said no, no, no, don't do that.

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Speaker 3: I was like why not.

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Speaker 2: She's like I just don't trust that, and I was like, okay,

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Speaker 2: smart's super.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I mean I I.

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Speaker 2: Because I was like, well, the uber is not going

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Speaker 2: to go around every car in l A and.

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Speaker 4: Try and steal everything. You'll probably be safe. But she

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Speaker 4: said no, decided to hire locksmith and get a car

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Speaker 4: open for four hundred dollars.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, why.

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Speaker 4: Didn't you just we're back and forth if you're so

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Speaker 4: scared of like giving it.

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Speaker 2: So I just didn't think of that, and I was like, okay.

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Speaker 4: And then the keys.

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Speaker 1: Are always in her bag.

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Speaker 4: She just never checked her bag.

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Speaker 1: She spent four way, there's one more, just one more.

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Speaker 4: So we went to party she hooked up with or

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Speaker 4: she found someone she wants to look up with, and

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Speaker 4: she wasn't doing too well monetarily at the time. So

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Speaker 4: I was like, well, I expected her to like get

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Speaker 4: expected to hear things rumble at home at night, you know,

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Speaker 4: I mean like there's some furniture shaking and all that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I didn't hear anything.

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Speaker 4: But I didn't hear any furniture shakes, So like asked

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Speaker 4: in the morning, I looked, where did he go?

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Speaker 1: Did you go to his place?

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Speaker 4: She's like no. I was like, but you didn't come here.

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Speaker 4: I didn't hear anything, and she's like no, we went

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Speaker 4: to a hotel. I was like, why would you go

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Speaker 4: to a hotel when you have a like when you

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Speaker 4: have your own room here?

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Speaker 1: I response, I just.

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Speaker 4: Didn't think of it. And I was like, what, you're

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Speaker 4: trying to save money?

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Speaker 3: And he thought her hotels.

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Speaker 1: Cheaper than a throught like three hundred bucks of the

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Speaker 1: hotel man. And she paid for it, by the way, dang, wow,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, that's two for the price of one. Oait,

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Speaker 1: I have to get back to recording. But I appreciate

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Speaker 1: your stories. Love you buddy, But.

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Speaker 3: Wow, that was that was incredible And I have a

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Speaker 3: few short ones, but I'm going to save it to

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Speaker 3: the end. I'm gonna say some juice to the right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So update update, Kevin is doing pretty well. We

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Speaker 1: are actually coming up on about ten years since I

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Speaker 1: had Kevin as a student. He's since graduated on time,

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Speaker 1: gotten married, and has a house. Wow. He works as

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Speaker 1: a Sioux chef at a fairly high end restaurant here

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Speaker 1: in town. He's taken some CC classes, which leads me

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Speaker 1: to believe that he may be looking at going out

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Speaker 1: on his own career. Wise, I think that largely he

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Speaker 1: grew out of his immaturity as most kids eventually do,

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Speaker 1: and perhaps having a kid in his teens sobered him up.

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Speaker 1: Dang that teen pregnancy, dude. That's the thing. Like sometimes

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Speaker 1: with like the ditziness, it's like just around common sense

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Speaker 1: things like like like the friend that I was describing

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Speaker 1: that super ditsy is like super smart creator, like like

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Speaker 1: lives this crazy life where she's traveling all of the world,

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Speaker 1: but normal stuff, like she just doesn't get.

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Speaker 3: I low key suck at a lot of normal stuff.

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Speaker 3: But I have my own moments kind of like Kevin

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Speaker 3: a little.

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Speaker 1: I'm not Kevin. I'm not quite as.

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Speaker 3: Bad, but I will shortly share. I had someone in

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Speaker 3: my school. He was an upperclassman, and I'll just give

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Speaker 3: you the highlight reel of his activities. He once drank

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Speaker 3: beer and then drove with his feet to a laughing audience. Wow,

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Speaker 3: that was one. He drove one hundred and twenty five

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Speaker 3: miles per hour on a road that was twenty five

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Speaker 3: miles per hour speed limit. And the joke for months

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Speaker 3: was he got the high score because he got like

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Speaker 3: the highest number of points you can possibly get on

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Speaker 3: your driver's license, like you know, like.

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Speaker 1: Negative points or whatever.

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Speaker 3: And then I can remember if this was him, but

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Speaker 3: he definitely aided and assisted in it. In one of

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Speaker 3: our like our like frenemie school schools, they went into

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Speaker 3: the opposing team's locker room and shat in their lockers

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Speaker 3: and I think it was him.

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Speaker 1: I can't remember for sure, but I think it was him.

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Speaker 1: That one's legendary. So well, if you have I want

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Speaker 1: to know our audiences Kevin stories. Oh do you have

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Speaker 1: any Kevin's in your life? And again we don't dislike Kevin's.

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Speaker 1: We ken They made my fun and usually like like

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Speaker 1: even with this Kevin, he had a special ability in

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Speaker 1: uh being a sou chef. You know, my Kevin is

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Speaker 1: a like a world traveler. That's right. What was your

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Speaker 1: Kevin good at? I think he was.

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Speaker 3: He he like joined the Navy and like ended up

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Speaker 3: seemingly doing pretty well.

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Speaker 1: Fromiself, I think.

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Speaker 3: He was one of those guys that played stupid but

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Speaker 3: was actually I think that's what he was.

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Speaker 1: There was a time in my life that I was

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Speaker 1: very Kevin like yeah, yeah, like in the beginning of

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Speaker 1: college especially, yeah, also in high school too, Like the

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Speaker 1: joke was like I was super book smart but just

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Speaker 1: had zero straight smarts. It happens, It happens. It happens

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Speaker 1: to the best of it. Tell us about your Kevin stories.

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Speaker 3: That's right, And speaking of our beautiful audience, Sam, I'm

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Speaker 3: gonna read some comments from.

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Speaker 1: Our public subscribers. Let's know what this is.

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Speaker 3: From the video, coworker demands I take a paternity test,

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Speaker 3: but there's something he does not know. This is the

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Speaker 3: one where Opie's coworker thinks he boned his wife, but

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Speaker 3: Opie is actually gay.

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Speaker 1: From public subscriber Lisa Ross. Redhead here.

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Speaker 3: Red hair is rare and only two percent of people

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Speaker 3: have it as a recessive gene, and it requires both

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Speaker 3: parents to be carriers. However, about twenty percent of people

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Speaker 3: carry the gene and the chance of having redhead children

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Speaker 3: when both parents are carriers is twenty five percent.

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Speaker 1: Wow. Oh, we're getting some genetics lessons, some serious knowledge.

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Speaker 3: So it often skips generations and turns up unexpectedly. There's

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Speaker 3: redhead's dotteds throughout my family tree, and many of them

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Speaker 3: didn't have parents with red hair. The dad is just

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Speaker 3: ignorant and obviously has some unhealthy ideas about the dominance

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Speaker 3: of his genes.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Lisa Ross, thank you so much for educating us and

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Speaker 3: dropping out of knowledge. And if you all want to

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Speaker 3: drop some knowledge or some fun spicy stories. Publicly subscribe

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Speaker 3: drop her comment below. We just might read it and

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Speaker 3: we'll see you soon.

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Speaker 1: I bammed my girlfriend from my house after I got

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Speaker 1: a paternity to test that proved that she cheated and

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Speaker 1: was pregnant. Am I the a hole?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna go out on a limb here? I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you're an a hole, I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: think she should go to the other daddy's daddy's place.

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Speaker 1: How about my daddy there? How about that daddy? Is

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Speaker 1: that ain't yo daddy? My ex and I have been

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Speaker 1: together for two years. It was rocky for the last

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Speaker 1: couple of months when she lost her job and just

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Speaker 1: seemed to refuse to look for work, just living free

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Speaker 1: in my house, causing me to financially support us both.

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Speaker 1: I also suspected she was cheating on me even more

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Speaker 1: your weeks, and eventually I broke up with her and

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Speaker 1: she left to live with her parents. A few weeks ago,

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Speaker 1: she comes knocking on my door to let me know

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Speaker 1: she's pregnant with my child. Oh no, she is practically

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Speaker 1: beaming with glee.

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Speaker 3: I have your child, which I guess one could be excited,

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Speaker 3: but I feel like.

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Speaker 1: I feel like the circumstances something is fishy. I agreed

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Speaker 1: to let her stay with me again, as my home

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Speaker 1: would be a healthier place to stay as her mom

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Speaker 1: smokes like a chimney and refuse to stop smoking inside

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Speaker 1: when you found out her daughter was pregnant. What why't

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Speaker 1: one of these mother in laws being normal? I didn't

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Speaker 1: want to subject my child to that, which is totally fair. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we want a healthy child. The one caveat to this

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Speaker 1: arrangement being we would go in a couple of weeks

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Speaker 1: to get a eternity test done. She very happily agreed, which, okay,

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Speaker 1: seems initially good. Yeah, her reaction actually washed away some

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Speaker 1: of the fears I had about her possibly cheating on me.

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Speaker 1: So she lives with me for a couple of weeks

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Speaker 1: and we go and get the test done. We find

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Speaker 1: out the child is not mine. No, and like a

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Speaker 1: switch is flipped, I honestly no longer care about that

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Speaker 1: kid anymore, and tell her to pack up her shit

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Speaker 1: and get out of my house. Hate on board. Baby,

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Speaker 1: you feed us here, Daddy, I'm not gonna not gonna

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Speaker 1: feed you. That's right, Go feed us and me. This

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Speaker 1: was a week ago. She moved her stuff back to

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Speaker 1: her parents' house, but it's staying with a friend to

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Speaker 1: avoid the cigarette smoke and other problems there. She her friends,

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Speaker 1: and even a few of our mutual friends are texting

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Speaker 1: and messaging me about how I'm a terrible person for

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Speaker 1: doing that to an innocent child, that I have plenty

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Speaker 1: of room in my home and I should just help

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Speaker 1: her out. I feel like I've been through the emotional

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Speaker 1: ringer of these past few months, and I've been through

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Speaker 1: every emotion I am capable of feeling. This man is OCCTU.

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Speaker 1: He's been through a lot. Oh, he really has. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't like I mean, she kind of built this,

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Speaker 1: this terrible situation for herself.

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Speaker 3: She broke the trust and had a baby with another

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Speaker 3: person while they.

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Speaker 1: Were in a relationship, Like, come on, and he's been

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Speaker 1: through a lot of emotions, I mean, from realizing I

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Speaker 1: was possibly a father, to the betrayal I felt when

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Speaker 1: her cheating was confirmed. Honestly, I feel so emotionally raw,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I agree with them that maybe I should

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Speaker 1: take her back and just care for the kid. Was

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Speaker 1: I unfair to this unborn child? Am I a total

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Speaker 1: piece of shit for not wanting them in my home

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Speaker 1: in this vulnerable time for them. She cheated on me,

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Speaker 1: But is this a situation that I should suck it

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Speaker 1: up and take care of them? Anyway?

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Speaker 3: She broke the trust and this he did not have

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Speaker 3: the child with her, so the child isn't her responsibility.

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Speaker 3: It does it suck that she's kind of like doesn't

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Speaker 3: have the greatest place to go. It does, but it's

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Speaker 3: just not I think he at a bare minimum deserves

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Speaker 3: some space to like think through and figure out because

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Speaker 3: it's not his child.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and also, like all these friends that are being like, yo,

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Speaker 1: you should like take care of this kid, flip it

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Speaker 1: back on them being like, hey, this baby isn't mine,

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Speaker 1: This baby isn't yours. How about you example and take

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Speaker 1: care of this baby that is also not yours.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's like, hey, hey there's a poor defenseless baby.

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Speaker 3: That's that's you know, not going to have the best setup.

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Speaker 3: We're both we both know this person and have no

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Speaker 3: relation to it whatsoever.

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Speaker 1: So by all goings means take care of This is

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Speaker 1: a absolutely awful situation. But I don't think op is

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Speaker 1: actually like responsible or shouldn't be OP again. It sucks,

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Speaker 1: but I release you. OP.

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Speaker 3: You're free to go. You are not the fly away.

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Speaker 3: You beautiful dove, beautiful bird,