WEBVTT - 3 Mistakes We Make in Relationships & Why the 5 Love Languages Can Transform Your Connection 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.640 Whether you're at work, whether you're in a small family 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:05.960 a big family. I want you to make it a 0:00:05.960 --> 0:00:08.600 priority that by the end of this week, you know 0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:12.559 everyone's love languages. Because one of the things I found 0:00:12.600 --> 0:00:15.960 for a long time is that as a leader, as 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:18.840 a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you may 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.280 think you're very loving, right. You may believe that you're 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:26.320 a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't love 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:30.920 in the way someone wants to be loved, they still 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:42.600 may feel extremely unloved. Hey. Everyone, it's Jay Shetty and 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:45.960 I am so so grateful that you're here right now 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:48.960 and that I get to spend this time with you, 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:51.959 and until we meet, until we bump into each other, 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:55.400 until you come to a live event, which I can't wait. 0:00:55.520 --> 0:00:58.360 Next year, I'll be going on my world tour for 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:02.000 the release of my second book, which I cannot wait 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:05.280 to share with you. This one's really powerful. I'll be 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:07.680 announcing it soon, so make sure you keep a lookout 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:11.520 for that. But I cannot wait. I'll be going on tour, 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:13.640 I'll be traveling across the world. I want to meet 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:15.039 you all. I want to hug you all. I want 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:16.480 to hold your hands. I want to look you in 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:20.240 the eyes and really connect, because I just feel like 0:01:20.520 --> 0:01:24.880 you've been so supportive, you've been so incredible. You've been 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:29.120 unbelievable to me over this time when we haven't been 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:31.200 able to meet each other, and I can't wait to 0:01:31.440 --> 0:01:35.959 finally be connected. I can't wait to finally make sure 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:40.479 that we actually get to have a real life, in person, 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:45.279 human experience of what it means to transform our lives, 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:48.480 experience wisdom. So cannot wait for that. But I want 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:50.760 to thank you for lending me your ears today. Whether 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:54.440 you're walking, whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:56.680 whether you're at the gym, whatever you're up to right now, 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.040 thank you for being here. It really means the world 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:01.800 to me. And today I wanted to talk about an 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:07.120 idea that has been around for some time, and this 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:11.160 idea originated from Gary Chapman when he wrote the book 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:13.280 about this theme. If you haven't read the book, I 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:15.400 highly recommend it. If you haven't done the test, I 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:19.000 highly recommend it. You can simply google it online. But 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:20.840 the reason why I wanted to talk about this is 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:24.640 that there are very few ideas that are as timeless 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:29.359 as this one, because what we realize is that so 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:35.880 many of us haven't figured out how to do basic 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:41.280 connection with the people closest in our lives. We ignore 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:49.399 or don't understand what someone needs what we need, and 0:02:49.440 --> 0:02:56.480 then we live in that no man's land of misunderstanding. 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:00.240 Just think about that for a moment. If you don't 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:05.120 know what you need and the other person doesn't know 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:09.720 what you need, that's a really uncomfortable place to be. 0:03:10.840 --> 0:03:15.200 It's a really weak place to be as a couple, 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:19.840 it's a tough place to be as a friendship. And 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:24.639 we have this belief that if you know me, you 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:28.680 should know what I need. Now, let me ask you this, 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.640 how many of us would say we know ourselves to 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:37.600 some degree. Do we always know what we need? I 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:40.720 don't think so. There's so many times in the day 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:44.080 when you don't know what you need for yourself. How 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:48.480 is someone else's mind, How is someone else's psychology? How 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:52.320 is someone else's time going to give them enough time 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:57.720 to figure that out? So that desire to be predictable, 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:01.360 which is really what we're asking. It's like, I'm predictable 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:03.760 enough that you should know what I need. The truth 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:05.920 is none of us are. We're always changing we're growing, 0:04:05.920 --> 0:04:10.280 we're evolving, we're moving so fast, so that creates a 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:15.240 massive challenge in our relationships. Something else that creates a 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:18.840 massive challenge in our relationships is that we're not comfortable 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.360 being honest about what we need. We think if we 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:26.040 say what we need, it somehow makes us vulnerable and 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:29.040 it makes us weak because now we feel like the 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:32.599 other person is power and control over us. And maybe 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:35.040 that is your case, right, maybe you have actually had 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:40.440 that experience where you did communicate a need and someone 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:45.960 misused that, exploited that, or abuse that, And I'm so 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:49.080 sorry if that's what you went through or if that's 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:53.599 what you experienced, because you know, if that kind of 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:58.200 behavior is just unacceptable, but when you've been through it, 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:01.880 it can close you off. There's a beautiful old story 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:07.080 about a mother and her child, and the child has 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:13.719 been experiencing a tough time at school, bullying, name calling. 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:18.839 You know, they're feeling insecure, they're feeling uncertain, they don't 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:22.680 want to go to school, and they're also starting to 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:26.920 say that they feel like they're just becoming numb to 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:31.480 it all. So the mother in this story puts some 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:35.880 hot water on and then she puts a potato inside 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:39.599 the hot water, and a little while later they touch 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:43.320 the potato and she asks her child to touch the 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:45.400 potato and says, what's happened, And it's like the potato's 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:49.080 gone soft, right, the potato's gone completely soft in the 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:53.920 boiling hot water. Then the mother puts inside an egg, 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:57.599 and a while later the egg's gone hot. And then 0:05:57.640 --> 0:06:00.320 the mother finally puts in in the story, it's coffee beans. 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:02.359 I'm going to say tea leaves, because you know we 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:05.320 have jyote. I hope you've tried it. It's an air 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:08.480 one right now. We literally are so excited. It's been 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:11.440 so fun. If you're in La, that is, we're trying 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:14.480 to get it internationally and working on nationally as well. 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:16.800 But if you're in La, you can try it. But 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:19.240 so she puts in coffee beans, I'd put in tea leaves, 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:25.120 and the watercolor changes, the fragrance changes, the scent changes, 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:30.120 and the mother explains to a child that we have 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:34.200 these three choices. When we go through hot water, when 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:36.599 we go through pain, we can need to become soft 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:39.960 like the potato. We can become hard like the egg, 0:06:40.720 --> 0:06:45.960 or we can transform our environment like the tea leaves 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:48.599 and like the coffee beans, And so why am I 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:51.640 telling you this story in this context? What I'm saying 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:54.400 is that, yes, there may have been someone in your 0:06:54.440 --> 0:06:57.240 past that has made you go soft or has made 0:06:57.320 --> 0:07:03.400 you become hardhearted and untrusted worthy, but taking that baggage 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:08.560 and taking that into another relationship doesn't make sense. So, 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:13.960 for example, if you ended your last relationship hardhearted, we 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:20.040 have to start our new relationship neutral but protected. Right, 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:23.520 If you start your new relationship hardhearted because your old 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:27.080 one left hardhearted, you're now making it much harder for 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:33.040 the other person and yourself to have a genuine relationship. Now, 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:37.360 let's say you ended your last relationship feeling weak and vulnerable, 0:07:37.760 --> 0:07:40.360 and you now start your new relationship feeling weak and 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.680 vulnerable and continue to be that open. You continue to 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:47.240 have no protection, you continue to have no boundaries. You 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:50.040 end up in the same position again. So the mistake 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:55.080 we make is that we start our new relationships the 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:59.000 way we ended our last ones. And when you do, 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:03.320 that new relationship will also end in a similar way, 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:09.040 or it will end for sure, because you're now creating 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:13.520 a steep hill or a deep valley for that person 0:08:13.720 --> 0:08:18.960 to climb into right. When you become weak, you either 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:22.680 set yourself up for failure, or when you become hardhearted, 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:26.280 you create a challenge. And it's trying so hard to 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:28.520 come back to neutral again, and you're like, how do 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:30.120 I do that? When you do that by going this 0:08:30.160 --> 0:08:34.000 is a new person, I have to be neutral with 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:39.680 a new person, right. And the third challenge we have 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:43.920 with love languages communicating our needs, expressing who we are, 0:08:44.640 --> 0:08:46.800 is that we think we just have to say it once. 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.560 We think that if we tell someone once how we feel, 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:53.840 that they'll know, they'll understand, they'll get it, they'll figure 0:08:53.840 --> 0:08:56.400 it out. It's almost like, oh, yeah, I told you 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.640 that now, whether you're working in a company, whether you're 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:01.680 in a relation lationship, where you're in a friendship. I've 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:06.760 found that reminders are probably the most important thing human memory. 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:08.360 I'll have to write a book about this one day. 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:12.280 I find human memory fascinating. Isn't it so weird that 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:15.720 you can remember some random lyric from sixteen years old 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:18.360 when someone broke your heart, but you can't remember what 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:22.040 you had for lunch yesterday? Right? Like, isn't it so 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:27.640 strange that you will forget the most important thing of 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:31.760 the week, but you will remember the random TikTok YouTube 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:35.120 video you saw and you're telling your friends about. It's strange, 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:39.160 isn't it. Memory is so random. You have the nostalgia 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:42.720 of an event from when you were younger, but you 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.800 can't seem to make new memories. I have to write 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:48.319 book about this one day. I'm fascinated by memory, and 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:51.360 maybe I'll do a podcast episode on it again as well. 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:56.280 But this idea that once I tell someone what I need, 0:09:56.280 --> 0:09:58.400 they should just remember it. They should know it, and 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:02.079 they'll get it perfectly right. People need a lot of direction. 0:10:02.640 --> 0:10:06.480 People need a lot of clarity, and that clarity and 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:11.679 that direction can only come from you. Truly, it can 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:16.000 only come from you. So I want to dive into 0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:18.320 the five love languages that you may have heard before 0:10:18.360 --> 0:10:20.600 that Gary Chapman talks about, but I want to shed 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:25.040 a bit more light on them, and, inspired by what's 0:10:25.080 --> 0:10:27.439 inside the book, talk about like, you know, what does 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:30.560 that really mean? How do we really figure that out? 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:33.520 And how do we really approach our partners and the 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:35.360 people in our lives. So the first thing I'm going 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:38.480 to say is whether you're at work, whether you're in 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:42.200 a small company, a large company, whether you're in a 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:45.480 small family a big family, I want you to make 0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:47.720 it a priority that by the end of this week, 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.200 you know everyone's love languages. You can send them the test, 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:57.120 or you can ask them directly. And I am starting 0:10:57.160 --> 0:10:59.080 to do this now. I'm going to ask everyone. I'm 0:10:59.080 --> 0:11:00.640 going to do this with you. I ask everyone in 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.640 my company to do this because one of the things 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:08.120 I found for a long time is that as a leader, 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:11.000 as a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:14.480 may think you're very loving, right. You may believe that 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:18.320 you're a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:23.000 love in the way someone wants to be loved, they 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:27.600 still may feel extremely unloved. Let me say that again 0:11:27.640 --> 0:11:30.320 for you. If you don't love people the way they 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:36.400 want to be loved, they could feel extremely unloved. Now, 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:41.160 how many of you know in your life that you 0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:46.160 have tried your best to love someone but they still 0:11:46.200 --> 0:11:50.480 feel unloved, uncared for, or unseen. And you're wondering how 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:53.800 I literally do everything, I try my best, I give 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:56.600 you everything I have, yet they would still say they 0:11:56.640 --> 0:12:01.079 don't feel loved. It's fascinating, isn't it. And this happens 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:03.480 in the workplace, it happens everywhere you like, but I'm 0:12:03.520 --> 0:12:04.920 always there for you. I do this for you, I 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:06.720 do that for you. And they're like, yeah, but you 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.000 don't get it, Like you don't get it right. How 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:10.560 many times if you ever heard that, were's like, but 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:13.079 you don't understand me. That's not what I want from you. 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:15.080 And you're like, well, what do you want from me? 0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:17.080 I give you everything, what do you want? And it's like, well, 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:19.520 that's not what I want. I want this. Hopefully it 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.520 gets there, but we often just have this full blown 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.880 argument about you don't give me what I want, and 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:29.360 the biggest reason is because people don't know and people 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:32.960 don't share. We've been getting so many amazing reviews for 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:36.360 The Daily Jay, my new daily guided meditation series on 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:38.360 the car Map. You might have heard a couple of 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:40.600 snippets on the podcast for a few weeks, so in 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:42.320 case you haven't had the chance to check it out, 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:45.240 I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:48.319 elementary school teacher from New Jersey. He's what she had 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:50.840 to say. I have over nine years of experience in 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:55.480 the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:58.240 Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:01.480 anxiety in my students like never before. Many of these 0:13:01.520 --> 0:13:05.199 children have never experienced these feelings before, and most are 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:07.800 not even sure of what they are feeling. My school 0:13:07.840 --> 0:13:10.800 district has spent a great deal of time focusing on 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:14.880 social emotional learning SEL through this school year. We try 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:17.920 to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids how 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:20.480 to deal with their feelings and become the best version 0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:23.360 of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing the 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.959 many anxieties of the world today, I have recently downloaded 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.280 the car mapp thanks to my mom. My mom and 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:31.400 I are big fans of yours, and once she heard 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:33.960 that you will have seven minutes of Daily Jay each day, 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:37.200 she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:41.240 meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, so 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:44.440 much that I've begun incorporating some of them into my 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:48.040 sel morning meetings with my third graders. If you've ever 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:50.439 wanted to meditate with me, join me on the car 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.120 mapp for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation where 0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:57.680 I'll help you find calm in the chaos. Plant beautiful 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:01.200 intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:04.160 positive actions to get you closer to the life of 0:14:04.200 --> 0:14:07.080 your dreams. Meditate with me by going to Calm dot 0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:09.960 com forward slash jay to get forty percent off a 0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:13.400 Calm Premium membership. That's only forty two dollars for the 0:14:13.440 --> 0:14:17.640 whole year for a daily guided meditation experience the Daily 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:22.800 Jy only on Calm. The reason I'm really placing emphasis 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:24.640 on this is if you do this as an exercise 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:26.320 over the next week, I promise you it's going to 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:29.440 transform your relationships. I promise you it's going to make 0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:32.760 birthdays and Christmas is easier. I promise you it's going 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.840 to make day to day interaction easier, and it will 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:40.280 really change the quality and the depth of your relationships. 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:43.120 Isn't that what we want? How many times does it 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.280 come to someone's birthday that you love and care about 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:47.440 and you don't know what to get them, or you 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:49.680 don't know what to do for them. You finally get 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:51.520 something together, you put it together and you give it 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:53.680 to them and you're hoping they'll be happy with it, 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:56.240 and they may or may not be. They might be grateful. 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:59.680 But if you understood their love language, it would change it. 0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:04.200 Or when someone's going through a tough time, maybe someone's 0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:08.960 lost a family member, maybe someone's pet is unwell, maybe 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:11.480 they just lost their job, and you're wondering, well, how 0:15:11.520 --> 0:15:13.880 do I process this? And you're like, oh, well, maybe 0:15:14.280 --> 0:15:15.840 I don't know. Maybe I just won't say anything because 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:19.080 they don't want to hear about it, or maybe you know, 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:20.840 like maybe I'll just send them some flowers or I'll 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:22.920 send them a card, and we do the most generic, 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:26.120 basic thing, right, Like that's what we do. And I 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:28.320 really get upset of myself because I fall into this 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:30.720 trap all the time where I do a generic, basic thing, 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:32.840 or in the past sometimes I've made the mistake of 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:36.760 avoiding it because I'm uncomfortable, right, I feel uncomfortable. I'm like, 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:38.640 I don't know what to say to them, so I 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:42.120 just won't bring it up. That doesn't help anyone. But 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:46.040 if you knew their love language, you would know how 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:49.680 they want to be approached in this situation. Right. This 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:53.640 isn't just about not arguing with your partner. This isn't 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.760 just about like what gift to get someone on their birthday. 0:15:57.200 --> 0:16:01.160 This is about a deep understanding of how to connect 0:16:01.240 --> 0:16:05.600 with this person at different places in their life. And 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:08.760 so I just really want to take a moment to 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:12.000 reflect on that with you, Right, I really want to 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:15.080 take a moment to reflect on that with you because 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:19.440 this is going to be huge for so many different 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:22.160 areas of your life. Right, This is gonna be huge 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:26.200 for so many different areas of your life, and I 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.000 just don't want you to underestimate it. So a big 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:30.920 thank you to Gary Chapman for writing this book, for 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:36.040 creating this concept, and for introducing it to me through 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.600 his work. And I'm just grateful that I get a 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:41.320 pass it on to all of you and share my reflections. 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:43.360 That's really what I'm doing here is as someone who's 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:45.600 been trying to practice this for many years now, I 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:48.320 wanted to share my reflections, my challenges with it, the 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.920 things I've learned from it. So here are the five 0:16:52.040 --> 0:17:00.800 languages words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, lay time, 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:04.639 and act of service. The first thing I want you 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:06.640 to do, and I'll do it as i'm speaking to you, 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:12.480 is I want you to write down your five in 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:16.560 your order, Right, I want you to write down your 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:19.760 five in your order, and I don't want you to 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:24.000 be shy. I don't want you to be uneasy about this. 0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:28.040 I want you to push through that and really write 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.960 it down, like be honest with yourself. See the reason 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:33.000 why we don't write this down and reflect on it 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:34.800 is because we know we feel uncomfortable saying that. We 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:36.720 feel like, oh my gosh, it must be so weak 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:39.360 that I want to be loved in that way? Right, 0:17:39.359 --> 0:17:41.679 I must be so weak that I want to be 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:44.600 loved in that way. And the truth is because we 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:49.919 feel weak wanting to be loved that way? How empowering 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.400 is that? To be loved that way? We in our 0:17:52.440 --> 0:17:55.119 own heads feel, wow, the way I want to be 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:58.120 loved is so lame. Wait a minute, then, how are 0:17:58.119 --> 0:18:00.760 we going to deserve the love we need in one? 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:03.080 How are you going to receive the love we need 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:06.080 in one? If we think it's lame? So write it 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:07.800 down and I'm going to share mine with you as well. 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.680 So I literally just ranked my five in order. So 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:16.359 words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts 0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:18.320 of service, put yours in your order. I'm going to 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.960 share my order in a second with you all. Which 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:25.760 one do you find most important to least important. Okay, 0:18:26.000 --> 0:18:31.280 so my first one is words of affirmation, And this 0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:34.800 is why I absolutely love to see your reviews for 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:37.399 the podcast. It's why I love it when you tag 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:40.400 me in an Instagram post or a tweet. It's why 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:43.560 I love it when I see dms flying in and 0:18:43.600 --> 0:18:46.000 why I read them myself and look through them myself 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:49.520 and spend so much time with those myself because I 0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:54.000 love words of affirmation. Because why for me, when someone 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:57.600 takes the time to tell me how they feel through words, 0:18:58.000 --> 0:19:01.160 it really touches my heart. It's the way on why right, 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:08.080 It's the way I'm wired encouraging powerful, empowering words, appreciation, gratitude. 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:11.480 It makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Now 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:15.840 do I believe I'm doing something worthwhile anyway? Yes? Do 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:17.920 I feel proud of what I do every day? Yes? 0:19:18.000 --> 0:19:19.800 Am I in love with what I do every day? Yes? 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:22.520 But when someone loves me back for what I love, 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:26.120 I just fall in love with doing it more So 0:19:26.200 --> 0:19:28.600 whenever I bump into you and you tell me something beautiful, 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:32.000 or you write a review on my podcast, or whatever 0:19:32.000 --> 0:19:34.000 it may be. Last week, I bumped into a few 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:36.520 of you at Air one when we were launching joyot 0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:39.880 there and it was just so beautiful. I loved it, 0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:43.640 and so I just really mean that, like, it's been 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:46.760 so powerful receiving your words of affirmation, so thank you 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:50.880 so much. And with these podcasts, that's what I'm really 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:53.199 trying to give you back. I'm trying to give you 0:19:53.240 --> 0:19:56.119 words of affirmation back as well. Now, let's say someone 0:19:56.240 --> 0:20:01.959 in your family needs words of affirmation. It means that 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:06.439 you want to communicate and connect with them in a 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:11.000 way where words are very important. This isn't just about 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:15.520 being encouraging or giving empty flattery or saying nice things, right. 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:17.959 I think that's where we make a mistake on what 0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:20.880 words of affirmation really are. Sometimes we think or people 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:24.600 just want to hear nice things about themselves, and it's like, well, no, no, no, 0:20:24.640 --> 0:20:26.719 that's not it. That's a very basic version. And this 0:20:26.800 --> 0:20:29.080 is exactly why I wanted to do this episode to 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:35.159 deep dive on this. Words of affirmation are clearly and 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:41.080 carefully using words with these individuals, right to them, words 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:44.000 are the most important things. So words can wound them, 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:49.240 or words can be wisdom to them, you know, passive 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:53.800 aggression to them, like a slight dig to them, a 0:20:53.920 --> 0:20:56.560 comment about something, they're going to take it even more seriously. 0:20:56.560 --> 0:20:57.960 And sometimes you will be like, but I was just 0:20:58.040 --> 0:21:00.720 joking with you, Like it wasn't that deep. But to 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:04.040 this person, the words you use with them are so 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:10.720 sacred and so important, and they needs words to have appreciation, acknowledgement, 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:15.760 to feel seen, to feel understood, to feel heard. They 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:19.960 experience that through words. They experienced that through words throughout 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:23.639 the day. For this person, you could have made the bed, 0:21:24.040 --> 0:21:28.360 made breakfast, and you could have made lunch, and what 0:21:28.400 --> 0:21:32.560 they needed to hear is how are you doing today? Oh, yeah, 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:35.640 you've got that big meeting. I hope it goes really well. 0:21:35.680 --> 0:21:38.840 I'm sure you're really well prepared for it. Or the 0:21:38.960 --> 0:21:40.959 night before saying, hen, no, you've got that big meeting, 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:44.720 how can I help you with it? Right? And that 0:21:44.760 --> 0:21:48.800 word of affirmation, or they came back and they told you, hey, 0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:50.399 you know what, the meeting went well, and you're like, 0:21:50.480 --> 0:21:52.840 that's amazing, I knew a world. Congrats, like tell me 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:56.080 about it. Like the words are so important to them, 0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:02.480 that positivity, that energy that comes through language. Now, something 0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:07.480 that these people often really appreciate is handwritten notes or cards. 0:22:07.960 --> 0:22:12.119 They love getting a random text throughout the day, right like, 0:22:12.359 --> 0:22:14.480 words are so important to them throughout the day, to 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:17.080 know that you're thinking of them, to know that they're 0:22:17.080 --> 0:22:21.120 in your mind. And the thing that really upsets them 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:24.080 is when they don't feel acknowledged for their efforts, they 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:28.720 don't feel seen for their hard work. And you may think, well, gosh, 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.920 why does this person need this? And it's like, because 0:22:32.119 --> 0:22:34.560 there's a part of them that's doing that for you. 0:22:34.560 --> 0:22:37.480 You may not feel that, you may not think that, 0:22:38.240 --> 0:22:40.600 but there's a part of them that feels they're doing 0:22:40.640 --> 0:22:44.560 it for you. And by the way, taking an opportunity 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:48.760 to be grateful, whether something small or not, it goes 0:22:48.760 --> 0:22:50.399 such a long way. I know that for me this 0:22:50.760 --> 0:22:54.080 because I love receiving words of affirmation. I find giving 0:22:54.119 --> 0:22:58.159 words of affirmation fairly easy, and I do it a 0:22:58.160 --> 0:23:00.720 lot with Radi. Whether she's just cooked us them amazing dinner, 0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:03.480 I'll thank her every day for an amazing dinner. And 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:06.359 I realized how much I love doing that for my 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:09.439 mom as well, because it means the world, right like, 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.840 it means so much it shouldn't just be expected. And 0:23:12.880 --> 0:23:15.480 I think sometimes when we're scared of giving words of affirmation, 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.040 it means we kind of expect that that person should 0:23:19.080 --> 0:23:22.440 be doing what they're doing. Anyway, noticing with words is 0:23:22.440 --> 0:23:27.680