Speaker 1: Whether you're at work, whether you're in a small family
Speaker 1: a big family. I want you to make it a
Speaker 1: priority that by the end of this week, you know
Speaker 1: everyone's love languages. Because one of the things I found
Speaker 1: for a long time is that as a leader, as
Speaker 1: a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you may
Speaker 1: think you're very loving, right. You may believe that you're
Speaker 1: a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't love
Speaker 1: in the way someone wants to be loved, they still
Speaker 1: may feel extremely unloved. Hey. Everyone, it's Jay Shetty and
Speaker 1: I am so so grateful that you're here right now
Speaker 1: and that I get to spend this time with you,
Speaker 1: and until we meet, until we bump into each other,
Speaker 1: until you come to a live event, which I can't wait.
Speaker 1: Next year, I'll be going on my world tour for
Speaker 1: the release of my second book, which I cannot wait
Speaker 1: to share with you. This one's really powerful. I'll be
Speaker 1: announcing it soon, so make sure you keep a lookout
Speaker 1: for that. But I cannot wait. I'll be going on tour,
Speaker 1: I'll be traveling across the world. I want to meet
Speaker 1: you all. I want to hug you all. I want
Speaker 1: to hold your hands. I want to look you in
Speaker 1: the eyes and really connect, because I just feel like
Speaker 1: you've been so supportive, you've been so incredible. You've been
Speaker 1: unbelievable to me over this time when we haven't been
Speaker 1: able to meet each other, and I can't wait to
Speaker 1: finally be connected. I can't wait to finally make sure
Speaker 1: that we actually get to have a real life, in person,
Speaker 1: human experience of what it means to transform our lives,
Speaker 1: experience wisdom. So cannot wait for that. But I want
Speaker 1: to thank you for lending me your ears today. Whether
Speaker 1: you're walking, whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog,
Speaker 1: whether you're at the gym, whatever you're up to right now,
Speaker 1: thank you for being here. It really means the world
Speaker 1: to me. And today I wanted to talk about an
Speaker 1: idea that has been around for some time, and this
Speaker 1: idea originated from Gary Chapman when he wrote the book
Speaker 1: about this theme. If you haven't read the book, I
Speaker 1: highly recommend it. If you haven't done the test, I
Speaker 1: highly recommend it. You can simply google it online. But
Speaker 1: the reason why I wanted to talk about this is
Speaker 1: that there are very few ideas that are as timeless
Speaker 1: as this one, because what we realize is that so
Speaker 1: many of us haven't figured out how to do basic
Speaker 1: connection with the people closest in our lives. We ignore
Speaker 1: or don't understand what someone needs what we need, and
Speaker 1: then we live in that no man's land of misunderstanding.
Speaker 1: Just think about that for a moment. If you don't
Speaker 1: know what you need and the other person doesn't know
Speaker 1: what you need, that's a really uncomfortable place to be.
Speaker 1: It's a really weak place to be as a couple,
Speaker 1: it's a tough place to be as a friendship. And
Speaker 1: we have this belief that if you know me, you
Speaker 1: should know what I need. Now, let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: how many of us would say we know ourselves to
Speaker 1: some degree. Do we always know what we need? I
Speaker 1: don't think so. There's so many times in the day
Speaker 1: when you don't know what you need for yourself. How
Speaker 1: is someone else's mind, How is someone else's psychology? How
Speaker 1: is someone else's time going to give them enough time
Speaker 1: to figure that out? So that desire to be predictable,
Speaker 1: which is really what we're asking. It's like, I'm predictable
Speaker 1: enough that you should know what I need. The truth
Speaker 1: is none of us are. We're always changing we're growing,
Speaker 1: we're evolving, we're moving so fast, so that creates a
Speaker 1: massive challenge in our relationships. Something else that creates a
Speaker 1: massive challenge in our relationships is that we're not comfortable
Speaker 1: being honest about what we need. We think if we
Speaker 1: say what we need, it somehow makes us vulnerable and
Speaker 1: it makes us weak because now we feel like the
Speaker 1: other person is power and control over us. And maybe
Speaker 1: that is your case, right, maybe you have actually had
Speaker 1: that experience where you did communicate a need and someone
Speaker 1: misused that, exploited that, or abuse that, And I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry if that's what you went through or if that's
Speaker 1: what you experienced, because you know, if that kind of
Speaker 1: behavior is just unacceptable, but when you've been through it,
Speaker 1: it can close you off. There's a beautiful old story
Speaker 1: about a mother and her child, and the child has
Speaker 1: been experiencing a tough time at school, bullying, name calling.
Speaker 1: You know, they're feeling insecure, they're feeling uncertain, they don't
Speaker 1: want to go to school, and they're also starting to
Speaker 1: say that they feel like they're just becoming numb to
Speaker 1: it all. So the mother in this story puts some
Speaker 1: hot water on and then she puts a potato inside
Speaker 1: the hot water, and a little while later they touch
Speaker 1: the potato and she asks her child to touch the
Speaker 1: potato and says, what's happened, And it's like the potato's
Speaker 1: gone soft, right, the potato's gone completely soft in the
Speaker 1: boiling hot water. Then the mother puts inside an egg,
Speaker 1: and a while later the egg's gone hot. And then
Speaker 1: the mother finally puts in in the story, it's coffee beans.
Speaker 1: I'm going to say tea leaves, because you know we
Speaker 1: have jyote. I hope you've tried it. It's an air
Speaker 1: one right now. We literally are so excited. It's been
Speaker 1: so fun. If you're in La, that is, we're trying
Speaker 1: to get it internationally and working on nationally as well.
Speaker 1: But if you're in La, you can try it. But
Speaker 1: so she puts in coffee beans, I'd put in tea leaves,
Speaker 1: and the watercolor changes, the fragrance changes, the scent changes,
Speaker 1: and the mother explains to a child that we have
Speaker 1: these three choices. When we go through hot water, when
Speaker 1: we go through pain, we can need to become soft
Speaker 1: like the potato. We can become hard like the egg,
Speaker 1: or we can transform our environment like the tea leaves
Speaker 1: and like the coffee beans, And so why am I
Speaker 1: telling you this story in this context? What I'm saying
Speaker 1: is that, yes, there may have been someone in your
Speaker 1: past that has made you go soft or has made
Speaker 1: you become hardhearted and untrusted worthy, but taking that baggage
Speaker 1: and taking that into another relationship doesn't make sense. So,
Speaker 1: for example, if you ended your last relationship hardhearted, we
Speaker 1: have to start our new relationship neutral but protected. Right,
Speaker 1: If you start your new relationship hardhearted because your old
Speaker 1: one left hardhearted, you're now making it much harder for
Speaker 1: the other person and yourself to have a genuine relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: let's say you ended your last relationship feeling weak and vulnerable,
Speaker 1: and you now start your new relationship feeling weak and
Speaker 1: vulnerable and continue to be that open. You continue to
Speaker 1: have no protection, you continue to have no boundaries. You
Speaker 1: end up in the same position again. So the mistake
Speaker 1: we make is that we start our new relationships the
Speaker 1: way we ended our last ones. And when you do,
Speaker 1: that new relationship will also end in a similar way,
Speaker 1: or it will end for sure, because you're now creating
Speaker 1: a steep hill or a deep valley for that person
Speaker 1: to climb into right. When you become weak, you either
Speaker 1: set yourself up for failure, or when you become hardhearted,
Speaker 1: you create a challenge. And it's trying so hard to
Speaker 1: come back to neutral again, and you're like, how do
Speaker 1: I do that? When you do that by going this
Speaker 1: is a new person, I have to be neutral with
Speaker 1: a new person, right. And the third challenge we have
Speaker 1: with love languages communicating our needs, expressing who we are,
Speaker 1: is that we think we just have to say it once.
Speaker 1: We think that if we tell someone once how we feel,
Speaker 1: that they'll know, they'll understand, they'll get it, they'll figure
Speaker 1: it out. It's almost like, oh, yeah, I told you
Speaker 1: that now, whether you're working in a company, whether you're
Speaker 1: in a relation lationship, where you're in a friendship. I've
Speaker 1: found that reminders are probably the most important thing human memory.
Speaker 1: I'll have to write a book about this one day.
Speaker 1: I find human memory fascinating. Isn't it so weird that
Speaker 1: you can remember some random lyric from sixteen years old
Speaker 1: when someone broke your heart, but you can't remember what
Speaker 1: you had for lunch yesterday? Right? Like, isn't it so
Speaker 1: strange that you will forget the most important thing of
Speaker 1: the week, but you will remember the random TikTok YouTube
Speaker 1: video you saw and you're telling your friends about. It's strange,
Speaker 1: isn't it. Memory is so random. You have the nostalgia
Speaker 1: of an event from when you were younger, but you
Speaker 1: can't seem to make new memories. I have to write
Speaker 1: book about this one day. I'm fascinated by memory, and
Speaker 1: maybe I'll do a podcast episode on it again as well.
Speaker 1: But this idea that once I tell someone what I need,
Speaker 1: they should just remember it. They should know it, and
Speaker 1: they'll get it perfectly right. People need a lot of direction.
Speaker 1: People need a lot of clarity, and that clarity and
Speaker 1: that direction can only come from you. Truly, it can
Speaker 1: only come from you. So I want to dive into
Speaker 1: the five love languages that you may have heard before
Speaker 1: that Gary Chapman talks about, but I want to shed
Speaker 1: a bit more light on them, and, inspired by what's
Speaker 1: inside the book, talk about like, you know, what does
Speaker 1: that really mean? How do we really figure that out?
Speaker 1: And how do we really approach our partners and the
Speaker 1: people in our lives. So the first thing I'm going
Speaker 1: to say is whether you're at work, whether you're in
Speaker 1: a small company, a large company, whether you're in a
Speaker 1: small family a big family, I want you to make
Speaker 1: it a priority that by the end of this week,
Speaker 1: you know everyone's love languages. You can send them the test,
Speaker 1: or you can ask them directly. And I am starting
Speaker 1: to do this now. I'm going to ask everyone. I'm
Speaker 1: going to do this with you. I ask everyone in
Speaker 1: my company to do this because one of the things
Speaker 1: I found for a long time is that as a leader,
Speaker 1: as a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you
Speaker 1: may think you're very loving, right. You may believe that
Speaker 1: you're a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't
Speaker 1: love in the way someone wants to be loved, they
Speaker 1: still may feel extremely unloved. Let me say that again
Speaker 1: for you. If you don't love people the way they
Speaker 1: want to be loved, they could feel extremely unloved. Now,
Speaker 1: how many of you know in your life that you
Speaker 1: have tried your best to love someone but they still
Speaker 1: feel unloved, uncared for, or unseen. And you're wondering how
Speaker 1: I literally do everything, I try my best, I give
Speaker 1: you everything I have, yet they would still say they
Speaker 1: don't feel loved. It's fascinating, isn't it. And this happens
Speaker 1: in the workplace, it happens everywhere you like, but I'm
Speaker 1: always there for you. I do this for you, I
Speaker 1: do that for you. And they're like, yeah, but you
Speaker 1: don't get it, Like you don't get it right. How
Speaker 1: many times if you ever heard that, were's like, but
Speaker 1: you don't understand me. That's not what I want from you.
Speaker 1: And you're like, well, what do you want from me?
Speaker 1: I give you everything, what do you want? And it's like, well,
Speaker 1: that's not what I want. I want this. Hopefully it
Speaker 1: gets there, but we often just have this full blown
Speaker 1: argument about you don't give me what I want, and
Speaker 1: the biggest reason is because people don't know and people
Speaker 1: don't share. We've been getting so many amazing reviews for
Speaker 1: The Daily Jay, my new daily guided meditation series on
Speaker 1: the car Map. You might have heard a couple of
Speaker 1: snippets on the podcast for a few weeks, so in
Speaker 1: case you haven't had the chance to check it out,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an
Speaker 1: elementary school teacher from New Jersey. He's what she had
Speaker 1: to say. I have over nine years of experience in
Speaker 1: the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic.
Speaker 1: Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of
Speaker 1: anxiety in my students like never before. Many of these
Speaker 1: children have never experienced these feelings before, and most are
Speaker 1: not even sure of what they are feeling. My school
Speaker 1: district has spent a great deal of time focusing on
Speaker 1: social emotional learning SEL through this school year. We try
Speaker 1: to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids how
Speaker 1: to deal with their feelings and become the best version
Speaker 1: of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing the
Speaker 1: many anxieties of the world today, I have recently downloaded
Speaker 1: the car mapp thanks to my mom. My mom and
Speaker 1: I are big fans of yours, and once she heard
Speaker 1: that you will have seven minutes of Daily Jay each day,
Speaker 1: she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and
Speaker 1: meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, so
Speaker 1: much that I've begun incorporating some of them into my
Speaker 1: sel morning meetings with my third graders. If you've ever
Speaker 1: wanted to meditate with me, join me on the car
Speaker 1: mapp for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation where
Speaker 1: I'll help you find calm in the chaos. Plant beautiful
Speaker 1: intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for
Speaker 1: positive actions to get you closer to the life of
Speaker 1: your dreams. Meditate with me by going to Calm dot
Speaker 1: com forward slash jay to get forty percent off a
Speaker 1: Calm Premium membership. That's only forty two dollars for the
Speaker 1: whole year for a daily guided meditation experience the Daily
Speaker 1: Jy only on Calm. The reason I'm really placing emphasis
Speaker 1: on this is if you do this as an exercise
Speaker 1: over the next week, I promise you it's going to
Speaker 1: transform your relationships. I promise you it's going to make
Speaker 1: birthdays and Christmas is easier. I promise you it's going
Speaker 1: to make day to day interaction easier, and it will
Speaker 1: really change the quality and the depth of your relationships.
Speaker 1: Isn't that what we want? How many times does it
Speaker 1: come to someone's birthday that you love and care about
Speaker 1: and you don't know what to get them, or you
Speaker 1: don't know what to do for them. You finally get
Speaker 1: something together, you put it together and you give it
Speaker 1: to them and you're hoping they'll be happy with it,
Speaker 1: and they may or may not be. They might be grateful.
Speaker 1: But if you understood their love language, it would change it.
Speaker 1: Or when someone's going through a tough time, maybe someone's
Speaker 1: lost a family member, maybe someone's pet is unwell, maybe
Speaker 1: they just lost their job, and you're wondering, well, how
Speaker 1: do I process this? And you're like, oh, well, maybe
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe I just won't say anything because
Speaker 1: they don't want to hear about it, or maybe you know,
Speaker 1: like maybe I'll just send them some flowers or I'll
Speaker 1: send them a card, and we do the most generic,
Speaker 1: basic thing, right, Like that's what we do. And I
Speaker 1: really get upset of myself because I fall into this
Speaker 1: trap all the time where I do a generic, basic thing,
Speaker 1: or in the past sometimes I've made the mistake of
Speaker 1: avoiding it because I'm uncomfortable, right, I feel uncomfortable. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say to them, so I
Speaker 1: just won't bring it up. That doesn't help anyone. But
Speaker 1: if you knew their love language, you would know how
Speaker 1: they want to be approached in this situation. Right. This
Speaker 1: isn't just about not arguing with your partner. This isn't
Speaker 1: just about like what gift to get someone on their birthday.
Speaker 1: This is about a deep understanding of how to connect
Speaker 1: with this person at different places in their life. And
Speaker 1: so I just really want to take a moment to
Speaker 1: reflect on that with you, Right, I really want to
Speaker 1: take a moment to reflect on that with you because
Speaker 1: this is going to be huge for so many different
Speaker 1: areas of your life. Right, This is gonna be huge
Speaker 1: for so many different areas of your life, and I
Speaker 1: just don't want you to underestimate it. So a big
Speaker 1: thank you to Gary Chapman for writing this book, for
Speaker 1: creating this concept, and for introducing it to me through
Speaker 1: his work. And I'm just grateful that I get a
Speaker 1: pass it on to all of you and share my reflections.
Speaker 1: That's really what I'm doing here is as someone who's
Speaker 1: been trying to practice this for many years now, I
Speaker 1: wanted to share my reflections, my challenges with it, the
Speaker 1: things I've learned from it. So here are the five
Speaker 1: languages words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, lay time,
Speaker 1: and act of service. The first thing I want you
Speaker 1: to do, and I'll do it as i'm speaking to you,
Speaker 1: is I want you to write down your five in
Speaker 1: your order, Right, I want you to write down your
Speaker 1: five in your order, and I don't want you to
Speaker 1: be shy. I don't want you to be uneasy about this.
Speaker 1: I want you to push through that and really write
Speaker 1: it down, like be honest with yourself. See the reason
Speaker 1: why we don't write this down and reflect on it
Speaker 1: is because we know we feel uncomfortable saying that. We
Speaker 1: feel like, oh my gosh, it must be so weak
Speaker 1: that I want to be loved in that way? Right,
Speaker 1: I must be so weak that I want to be
Speaker 1: loved in that way. And the truth is because we
Speaker 1: feel weak wanting to be loved that way? How empowering
Speaker 1: is that? To be loved that way? We in our
Speaker 1: own heads feel, wow, the way I want to be
Speaker 1: loved is so lame. Wait a minute, then, how are
Speaker 1: we going to deserve the love we need in one?
Speaker 1: How are you going to receive the love we need
Speaker 1: in one? If we think it's lame? So write it
Speaker 1: down and I'm going to share mine with you as well.
Speaker 1: So I literally just ranked my five in order. So
Speaker 1: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts
Speaker 1: of service, put yours in your order. I'm going to
Speaker 1: share my order in a second with you all. Which
Speaker 1: one do you find most important to least important. Okay,
Speaker 1: so my first one is words of affirmation, And this
Speaker 1: is why I absolutely love to see your reviews for
Speaker 1: the podcast. It's why I love it when you tag
Speaker 1: me in an Instagram post or a tweet. It's why
Speaker 1: I love it when I see dms flying in and
Speaker 1: why I read them myself and look through them myself
Speaker 1: and spend so much time with those myself because I
Speaker 1: love words of affirmation. Because why for me, when someone
Speaker 1: takes the time to tell me how they feel through words,
Speaker 1: it really touches my heart. It's the way on why right,
Speaker 1: It's the way I'm wired encouraging powerful, empowering words, appreciation, gratitude.
Speaker 1: It makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Now
Speaker 1: do I believe I'm doing something worthwhile anyway? Yes? Do
Speaker 1: I feel proud of what I do every day? Yes?
Speaker 1: Am I in love with what I do every day? Yes?
Speaker 1: But when someone loves me back for what I love,
Speaker 1: I just fall in love with doing it more So
Speaker 1: whenever I bump into you and you tell me something beautiful,
Speaker 1: or you write a review on my podcast, or whatever
Speaker 1: it may be. Last week, I bumped into a few
Speaker 1: of you at Air one when we were launching joyot
Speaker 1: there and it was just so beautiful. I loved it,
Speaker 1: and so I just really mean that, like, it's been
Speaker 1: so powerful receiving your words of affirmation, so thank you
Speaker 1: so much. And with these podcasts, that's what I'm really
Speaker 1: trying to give you back. I'm trying to give you
Speaker 1: words of affirmation back as well. Now, let's say someone
Speaker 1: in your family needs words of affirmation. It means that
Speaker 1: you want to communicate and connect with them in a
Speaker 1: way where words are very important. This isn't just about
Speaker 1: being encouraging or giving empty flattery or saying nice things, right.
Speaker 1: I think that's where we make a mistake on what
Speaker 1: words of affirmation really are. Sometimes we think or people
Speaker 1: just want to hear nice things about themselves, and it's like, well, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: that's not it. That's a very basic version. And this
Speaker 1: is exactly why I wanted to do this episode to
Speaker 1: deep dive on this. Words of affirmation are clearly and
Speaker 1: carefully using words with these individuals, right to them, words
Speaker 1: are the most important things. So words can wound them,
Speaker 1: or words can be wisdom to them, you know, passive
Speaker 1: aggression to them, like a slight dig to them, a
Speaker 1: comment about something, they're going to take it even more seriously.
Speaker 1: And sometimes you will be like, but I was just
Speaker 1: joking with you, Like it wasn't that deep. But to
Speaker 1: this person, the words you use with them are so
Speaker 1: sacred and so important, and they needs words to have appreciation, acknowledgement,
Speaker 1: to feel seen, to feel understood, to feel heard. They
Speaker 1: experience that through words. They experienced that through words throughout
Speaker 1: the day. For this person, you could have made the bed,
Speaker 1: made breakfast, and you could have made lunch, and what
Speaker 1: they needed to hear is how are you doing today? Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: you've got that big meeting. I hope it goes really well.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you're really well prepared for it. Or the
Speaker 1: night before saying, hen, no, you've got that big meeting,
Speaker 1: how can I help you with it? Right? And that
Speaker 1: word of affirmation, or they came back and they told you, hey,
Speaker 1: you know what, the meeting went well, and you're like,
Speaker 1: that's amazing, I knew a world. Congrats, like tell me
Speaker 1: about it. Like the words are so important to them,
Speaker 1: that positivity, that energy that comes through language. Now, something
Speaker 1: that these people often really appreciate is handwritten notes or cards.
Speaker 1: They love getting a random text throughout the day, right like,
Speaker 1: words are so important to them throughout the day, to
Speaker 1: know that you're thinking of them, to know that they're
Speaker 1: in your mind. And the thing that really upsets them
Speaker 1: is when they don't feel acknowledged for their efforts, they
Speaker 1: don't feel seen for their hard work. And you may think, well, gosh,
Speaker 1: why does this person need this? And it's like, because
Speaker 1: there's a part of them that's doing that for you.
Speaker 1: You may not feel that, you may not think that,
Speaker 1: but there's a part of them that feels they're doing
Speaker 1: it for you. And by the way, taking an opportunity
Speaker 1: to be grateful, whether something small or not, it goes
Speaker 1: such a long way. I know that for me this
Speaker 1: because I love receiving words of affirmation. I find giving
Speaker 1: words of affirmation fairly easy, and I do it a
Speaker 1: lot with Radi. Whether she's just cooked us them amazing dinner,
Speaker 1: I'll thank her every day for an amazing dinner. And
Speaker 1: I realized how much I love doing that for my
Speaker 1: mom as well, because it means the world, right like,
Speaker 1: it means so much it shouldn't just be expected. And
Speaker 1: I think sometimes when we're scared of giving words of affirmation,
Speaker 1: it means we kind of expect that that person should
Speaker 1: be doing what they're doing. Anyway, noticing with words is
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. Okay. On my next list is gifts. Now.
Speaker 1: One of the things I want to clarify her is
Speaker 1: that the way we get our love languages is often
Speaker 1: how our parents did or didn't love us. So the
Speaker 1: way your parents loved you or didn't love you, if
Speaker 1: there was some lack or inadequacy in their love and appreciation,
Speaker 1: it creates a love language. So my mom, even though
Speaker 1: she didn't have a lot of time, she always made
Speaker 1: sure that she got me one gift every year that
Speaker 1: I really wanted, whether it was power ranges right, whether
Speaker 1: it was a special cake designed like a football, or
Speaker 1: whether it was a football jersey of one of my
Speaker 1: favorite teams, or whether it was I don't know, like whatever,
Speaker 1: it may have been right, and my mum would always
Speaker 1: make sure I got that. So I felt my mum's
Speaker 1: love through gifts. Now, I felt my mum's love through
Speaker 1: a lot of different ways, but gifts was a big
Speaker 1: part of it, and she never bought me. We didn't
Speaker 1: have a lot of money, so she didn't just buy
Speaker 1: me gifts to make me feel good. It was. It
Speaker 1: was really her way of getting me that thing that
Speaker 1: surprised me. And this was the inner part I learned.
Speaker 1: When I first read receiving gifts, I was like, that's me.
Speaker 1: And now it's time's gone on. I realized I love surprises.
Speaker 1: I love personalized gifts. When I was young, I thought
Speaker 1: I wanted audacious gifts. I thought I wanted ostentatious gifts.
Speaker 1: And one of my favorite gifts I received was a
Speaker 1: magazine cover signed about the Dalai Lama and it's the
Speaker 1: Dali Lama and the Life magazine cover. And when I
Speaker 1: received that gift, like, I was so touched. It was
Speaker 1: so personalized. And so I also received a gift which
Speaker 1: was Christopher Nolan's screen play of Inception right, and that's
Speaker 1: a movie that I loved. And so I've realized that
Speaker 1: gifts are no longer there. You know how expensive they are, fancy,
Speaker 1: they are like, that's not a good gift to me.
Speaker 1: So notice how even the psychology of gifts is so
Speaker 1: much deeper than a gift. For example, if someone just
Speaker 1: got me a random gift. Now basically I'm starting to
Speaker 1: sound very difficult, right, Everyone's like, wow, Jay, you're like
Speaker 1: high maintenance. No, I'm trying to express to you the nuances,
Speaker 1: the subtleties that come with all of these love languages. Now,
Speaker 1: with someone who loves gifts, it's that thoughtfulness, It's that
Speaker 1: clarity on understanding, showing that you understand a person and
Speaker 1: what they're going through. And one of the things that
Speaker 1: people struggle with people who want gifts is people go,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they're so difficult to buy for. I
Speaker 1: won't get anything, and that ends up making the person
Speaker 1: and feel really really upset because that was something they wanted.
Speaker 1: They clarified it, and you're like, oh, no, you're too
Speaker 1: difficult to buy gifts for. And it's like, well, maybe
Speaker 1: I'm not. Maybe try me right, And so I find
Speaker 1: that it's really important for you to try and to
Speaker 1: learn and to understand and give it a go. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm being very vulnerable with you, as I always am
Speaker 1: here on this show, because I think that's the only
Speaker 1: way we grow, when you realize that we all have
Speaker 1: needs and desires and wants and we want to be
Speaker 1: clear about it. Okay, So the third one on my
Speaker 1: list is quality time. I love spending quality time, but
Speaker 1: it isn't in my first two. Now, that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that I don't like spending quality time with my friends
Speaker 1: and family. It's just that the way I show and
Speaker 1: receive love is usually through words of affirmation and gifts.
Speaker 1: But I realize there's a lot of people in my
Speaker 1: life who love quality time, and so I have to
Speaker 1: figure out whether I can make that time for them.
Speaker 1: So people who like quality time, they want time that
Speaker 1: is not full of astractions. You haven't got your phone now,
Speaker 1: you're not constantly running in and out of meetings, you're
Speaker 1: not responding to emails, You're really present one to one.
Speaker 1: Quality time also isn't just hanging around. It's creating like
Speaker 1: beautiful experiences, making something out of anything like a candlelit dinner, right,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. It's like trying to find a
Speaker 1: way of making experiences special. That's what people are really
Speaker 1: looking for, and they're not just looking for like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I took two hours to be with you, right, Like
Speaker 1: that's not I remember speaking on one of my clients
Speaker 1: years ago and he was saying that he just came
Speaker 1: back from five days away with his wife, and she
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I wish we spend more time together,
Speaker 1: and he was like what do you mean. I just
Speaker 1: spent five days with you, but the whole time he
Speaker 1: was on his phone, he was reading his own books,
Speaker 1: reading his magazines. And it's like she was like, but
Speaker 1: that wasn't time together, and she was right. And so
Speaker 1: quality time needs to be expressed specifically, because as I
Speaker 1: always say, I don't think any one actually wants your time.
Speaker 1: I think they want your presence. I think they want
Speaker 1: your energy. I think they want you. And so when
Speaker 1: we say to people I want to spend more time
Speaker 1: with you, we don't mean time. And I think finding
Speaker 1: different ways of spending time with people makes quality time
Speaker 1: even more fun, because you can't just keep having dinner.
Speaker 1: You can't keep sitting around, right, you can't keep doing
Speaker 1: just that. So I think that's been really really powerful
Speaker 1: and important to learn. The last two. My fourth one
Speaker 1: on my list is physical touch. And that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it's not important to me, right, Just because it's fourth
Speaker 1: out of five doesn't mean it's not important. It just
Speaker 1: means that there's a hierarchy. Now. Physical touch often people
Speaker 1: think that just means sex, and it's like, well, it
Speaker 1: can do, but it doesn't mean just that. It means
Speaker 1: a comforting touch it means a show of love. It
Speaker 1: could be a hug in the morning, a kiss on
Speaker 1: the forehead, it could be giving someone a massage. It's
Speaker 1: basically a sense of physical connection, holding hands as you
Speaker 1: walk down the street, putting your arm around someone else.
Speaker 1: Like it's the playfulness that comes with it as well.
Speaker 1: And I think for a lot of people they just
Speaker 1: feel so disconnected intimately from their partners because they can't
Speaker 1: remember the last time they felt loved in that way.
Speaker 1: And I know that for me and RADI like, since
Speaker 1: we've been marriage, she's always gone to sleep with their
Speaker 1: head on my chest. And when we're traveling or I'm
Speaker 1: traveling or we're not in the same place and I
Speaker 1: don't have that. It's it's a part of that intimate
Speaker 1: connection that we have. It's a part of our feeling
Speaker 1: of being together, and it really is a huge, huge thing.
Speaker 1: So it's really interesting to me how for a lot
Speaker 1: of people physical touch just becomes sexualized and it doesn't
Speaker 1: need to be. There are different ways of it playing
Speaker 1: true in our lives. I think there's a lot of
Speaker 1: us that you know, you could be having the best
Speaker 1: sex ever, but you want to be able to actually
Speaker 1: have a sense of connection throughout the day when you're
Speaker 1: not in the at zone. And so I just really
Speaker 1: really believe that that's something to think about. And then
Speaker 1: fifth and final is for me acts of service and
Speaker 1: acts of service. I struggle with giving this. So this
Speaker 1: is what you realize. The lower you go on your list,
Speaker 1: the less good you are at giving it. Right, So
Speaker 1: the higher up on the list words of affirmation and
Speaker 1: giving gifts. I love doing those two things. Acts of
Speaker 1: service I find harder to do because I don't have
Speaker 1: as much time. And then I have friends who really
Speaker 1: appreciate acts of service brings them joy. It makes them
Speaker 1: feel like if I help my friend move, they feel loved.
Speaker 1: If I help my friend reorganize their cupboard, they feel loved.
Speaker 1: Like that's how they feel love. And so if you're
Speaker 1: someone who needs acts of service, invite people to help
Speaker 1: you and explain to them that this makes me feel
Speaker 1: like we're real friends. Right. These people want breakfast in bed,
Speaker 1: they want a dinner maid, they want some help with
Speaker 1: chores around the house. And when people are turning up
Speaker 1: to parties giving birthday gift but they're not doing this,
Speaker 1: this person could feel very unloved. So I want to
Speaker 1: thank Gary Chapman again for writing the book The Five
Speaker 1: Love Languages. I highly recommend you read it. I really
Speaker 1: hope this has helped you understand the nuances the subtleties
Speaker 1: behind them, and I want you to do this with
Speaker 1: a colleague, a loved one, a parent, a friend this
Speaker 1: week and watch how your life changes. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for listening. Please do leave a review with words
Speaker 1: of affirmation. Really appreciate you all, and honestly, I've got
Speaker 1: so many exciting updates. Please keep a lookout. I can't
Speaker 1: wait for you to get excited about everything that's coming
Speaker 1: your way. Thank you so much for being here. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you. Thank you,