1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Whether you're at work, whether you're in a small family 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,960 Speaker 1: a big family. I want you to make it a 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: priority that by the end of this week, you know 4 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:12,559 Speaker 1: everyone's love languages. Because one of the things I found 5 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,960 Speaker 1: for a long time is that as a leader, as 6 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you may 7 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,280 Speaker 1: think you're very loving, right. You may believe that you're 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't love 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: in the way someone wants to be loved, they still 10 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 1: may feel extremely unloved. Hey. Everyone, it's Jay Shetty and 11 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: I am so so grateful that you're here right now 12 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: and that I get to spend this time with you, 13 00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:51,959 Speaker 1: and until we meet, until we bump into each other, 14 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: until you come to a live event, which I can't wait. 15 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: Next year, I'll be going on my world tour for 16 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,000 Speaker 1: the release of my second book, which I cannot wait 17 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: to share with you. This one's really powerful. I'll be 18 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,680 Speaker 1: announcing it soon, so make sure you keep a lookout 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: for that. But I cannot wait. I'll be going on tour, 20 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 1: I'll be traveling across the world. I want to meet 21 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 1: you all. I want to hug you all. I want 22 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,480 Speaker 1: to hold your hands. I want to look you in 23 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 1: the eyes and really connect, because I just feel like 24 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: you've been so supportive, you've been so incredible. You've been 25 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 1: unbelievable to me over this time when we haven't been 26 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: able to meet each other, and I can't wait to 27 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,959 Speaker 1: finally be connected. I can't wait to finally make sure 28 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:40,479 Speaker 1: that we actually get to have a real life, in person, 29 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:45,279 Speaker 1: human experience of what it means to transform our lives, 30 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 1: experience wisdom. So cannot wait for that. But I want 31 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 1: to thank you for lending me your ears today. Whether 32 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: you're walking, whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, 33 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,680 Speaker 1: whether you're at the gym, whatever you're up to right now, 34 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: thank you for being here. It really means the world 35 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 1: to me. And today I wanted to talk about an 36 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: idea that has been around for some time, and this 37 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,160 Speaker 1: idea originated from Gary Chapman when he wrote the book 38 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,280 Speaker 1: about this theme. If you haven't read the book, I 39 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 1: highly recommend it. If you haven't done the test, I 40 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: highly recommend it. You can simply google it online. But 41 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: the reason why I wanted to talk about this is 42 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,640 Speaker 1: that there are very few ideas that are as timeless 43 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:29,359 Speaker 1: as this one, because what we realize is that so 44 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: many of us haven't figured out how to do basic 45 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 1: connection with the people closest in our lives. We ignore 46 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:49,399 Speaker 1: or don't understand what someone needs what we need, and 47 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 1: then we live in that no man's land of misunderstanding. 48 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: Just think about that for a moment. If you don't 49 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: know what you need and the other person doesn't know 50 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 1: what you need, that's a really uncomfortable place to be. 51 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 1: It's a really weak place to be as a couple, 52 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: it's a tough place to be as a friendship. And 53 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,639 Speaker 1: we have this belief that if you know me, you 54 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 1: should know what I need. Now, let me ask you this, 55 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: how many of us would say we know ourselves to 56 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: some degree. Do we always know what we need? I 57 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: don't think so. There's so many times in the day 58 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: when you don't know what you need for yourself. How 59 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: is someone else's mind, How is someone else's psychology? How 60 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: is someone else's time going to give them enough time 61 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: to figure that out? So that desire to be predictable, 62 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: which is really what we're asking. It's like, I'm predictable 63 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: enough that you should know what I need. The truth 64 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: is none of us are. We're always changing we're growing, 65 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 1: we're evolving, we're moving so fast, so that creates a 66 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: massive challenge in our relationships. Something else that creates a 67 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,840 Speaker 1: massive challenge in our relationships is that we're not comfortable 68 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 1: being honest about what we need. We think if we 69 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,040 Speaker 1: say what we need, it somehow makes us vulnerable and 70 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 1: it makes us weak because now we feel like the 71 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 1: other person is power and control over us. And maybe 72 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,040 Speaker 1: that is your case, right, maybe you have actually had 73 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:40,440 Speaker 1: that experience where you did communicate a need and someone 74 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 1: misused that, exploited that, or abuse that, And I'm so 75 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: sorry if that's what you went through or if that's 76 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 1: what you experienced, because you know, if that kind of 77 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 1: behavior is just unacceptable, but when you've been through it, 78 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 1: it can close you off. There's a beautiful old story 79 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: about a mother and her child, and the child has 80 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:13,719 Speaker 1: been experiencing a tough time at school, bullying, name calling. 81 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:18,839 Speaker 1: You know, they're feeling insecure, they're feeling uncertain, they don't 82 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: want to go to school, and they're also starting to 83 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: say that they feel like they're just becoming numb to 84 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:31,480 Speaker 1: it all. So the mother in this story puts some 85 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: hot water on and then she puts a potato inside 86 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,599 Speaker 1: the hot water, and a little while later they touch 87 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,320 Speaker 1: the potato and she asks her child to touch the 88 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 1: potato and says, what's happened, And it's like the potato's 89 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,080 Speaker 1: gone soft, right, the potato's gone completely soft in the 90 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:53,920 Speaker 1: boiling hot water. Then the mother puts inside an egg, 91 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,599 Speaker 1: and a while later the egg's gone hot. And then 92 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: the mother finally puts in in the story, it's coffee beans. 93 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,359 Speaker 1: I'm going to say tea leaves, because you know we 94 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 1: have jyote. I hope you've tried it. It's an air 95 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 1: one right now. We literally are so excited. It's been 96 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: so fun. If you're in La, that is, we're trying 97 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,480 Speaker 1: to get it internationally and working on nationally as well. 98 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,800 Speaker 1: But if you're in La, you can try it. But 99 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: so she puts in coffee beans, I'd put in tea leaves, 100 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 1: and the watercolor changes, the fragrance changes, the scent changes, 101 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: and the mother explains to a child that we have 102 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: these three choices. When we go through hot water, when 103 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,599 Speaker 1: we go through pain, we can need to become soft 104 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,960 Speaker 1: like the potato. We can become hard like the egg, 105 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: or we can transform our environment like the tea leaves 106 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:48,599 Speaker 1: and like the coffee beans, And so why am I 107 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,640 Speaker 1: telling you this story in this context? What I'm saying 108 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: is that, yes, there may have been someone in your 109 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 1: past that has made you go soft or has made 110 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: you become hardhearted and untrusted worthy, but taking that baggage 111 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 1: and taking that into another relationship doesn't make sense. So, 112 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: for example, if you ended your last relationship hardhearted, we 113 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: have to start our new relationship neutral but protected. Right, 114 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: If you start your new relationship hardhearted because your old 115 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: one left hardhearted, you're now making it much harder for 116 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: the other person and yourself to have a genuine relationship. Now, 117 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: let's say you ended your last relationship feeling weak and vulnerable, 118 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 1: and you now start your new relationship feeling weak and 119 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 1: vulnerable and continue to be that open. You continue to 120 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: have no protection, you continue to have no boundaries. You 121 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,040 Speaker 1: end up in the same position again. So the mistake 122 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: we make is that we start our new relationships the 123 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: way we ended our last ones. And when you do, 124 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 1: that new relationship will also end in a similar way, 125 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: or it will end for sure, because you're now creating 126 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: a steep hill or a deep valley for that person 127 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: to climb into right. When you become weak, you either 128 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: set yourself up for failure, or when you become hardhearted, 129 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: you create a challenge. And it's trying so hard to 130 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: come back to neutral again, and you're like, how do 131 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: I do that? When you do that by going this 132 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: is a new person, I have to be neutral with 133 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: a new person, right. And the third challenge we have 134 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: with love languages communicating our needs, expressing who we are, 135 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: is that we think we just have to say it once. 136 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: We think that if we tell someone once how we feel, 137 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: that they'll know, they'll understand, they'll get it, they'll figure 138 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: it out. It's almost like, oh, yeah, I told you 139 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: that now, whether you're working in a company, whether you're 140 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: in a relation lationship, where you're in a friendship. I've 141 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:06,760 Speaker 1: found that reminders are probably the most important thing human memory. 142 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,360 Speaker 1: I'll have to write a book about this one day. 143 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: I find human memory fascinating. Isn't it so weird that 144 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: you can remember some random lyric from sixteen years old 145 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: when someone broke your heart, but you can't remember what 146 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: you had for lunch yesterday? Right? Like, isn't it so 147 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:27,640 Speaker 1: strange that you will forget the most important thing of 148 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: the week, but you will remember the random TikTok YouTube 149 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: video you saw and you're telling your friends about. It's strange, 150 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: isn't it. Memory is so random. You have the nostalgia 151 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,720 Speaker 1: of an event from when you were younger, but you 152 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,800 Speaker 1: can't seem to make new memories. I have to write 153 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,319 Speaker 1: book about this one day. I'm fascinated by memory, and 154 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: maybe I'll do a podcast episode on it again as well. 155 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 1: But this idea that once I tell someone what I need, 156 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: they should just remember it. They should know it, and 157 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: they'll get it perfectly right. People need a lot of direction. 158 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: People need a lot of clarity, and that clarity and 159 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:11,679 Speaker 1: that direction can only come from you. Truly, it can 160 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 1: only come from you. So I want to dive into 161 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,320 Speaker 1: the five love languages that you may have heard before 162 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: that Gary Chapman talks about, but I want to shed 163 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: a bit more light on them, and, inspired by what's 164 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,439 Speaker 1: inside the book, talk about like, you know, what does 165 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 1: that really mean? How do we really figure that out? 166 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: And how do we really approach our partners and the 167 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: people in our lives. So the first thing I'm going 168 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: to say is whether you're at work, whether you're in 169 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: a small company, a large company, whether you're in a 170 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: small family a big family, I want you to make 171 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: it a priority that by the end of this week, 172 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: you know everyone's love languages. You can send them the test, 173 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 1: or you can ask them directly. And I am starting 174 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: to do this now. I'm going to ask everyone. I'm 175 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 1: going to do this with you. I ask everyone in 176 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: my company to do this because one of the things 177 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,120 Speaker 1: I found for a long time is that as a leader, 178 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: as a partner, as a friend, as a parent, you 179 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,480 Speaker 1: may think you're very loving, right. You may believe that 180 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: you're a very loving, caring individual. But if you don't 181 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 1: love in the way someone wants to be loved, they 182 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: still may feel extremely unloved. Let me say that again 183 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: for you. If you don't love people the way they 184 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:36,400 Speaker 1: want to be loved, they could feel extremely unloved. Now, 185 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: how many of you know in your life that you 186 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: have tried your best to love someone but they still 187 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 1: feel unloved, uncared for, or unseen. And you're wondering how 188 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: I literally do everything, I try my best, I give 189 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 1: you everything I have, yet they would still say they 190 00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:01,079 Speaker 1: don't feel loved. It's fascinating, isn't it. And this happens 191 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,480 Speaker 1: in the workplace, it happens everywhere you like, but I'm 192 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 1: always there for you. I do this for you, I 193 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 1: do that for you. And they're like, yeah, but you 194 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 1: don't get it, Like you don't get it right. How 195 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: many times if you ever heard that, were's like, but 196 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,079 Speaker 1: you don't understand me. That's not what I want from you. 197 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,080 Speaker 1: And you're like, well, what do you want from me? 198 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: I give you everything, what do you want? And it's like, well, 199 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,520 Speaker 1: that's not what I want. I want this. Hopefully it 200 00:12:19,559 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: gets there, but we often just have this full blown 201 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: argument about you don't give me what I want, and 202 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:29,360 Speaker 1: the biggest reason is because people don't know and people 203 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: don't share. We've been getting so many amazing reviews for 204 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,360 Speaker 1: The Daily Jay, my new daily guided meditation series on 205 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: the car Map. You might have heard a couple of 206 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: snippets on the podcast for a few weeks, so in 207 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,320 Speaker 1: case you haven't had the chance to check it out, 208 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 1: I just wanted to share this review from Caitlin, an 209 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,319 Speaker 1: elementary school teacher from New Jersey. He's what she had 210 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: to say. I have over nine years of experience in 211 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: the American public school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. 212 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: Over the past two years, I've seen extreme cases of 213 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: anxiety in my students like never before. Many of these 214 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:05,199 Speaker 1: children have never experienced these feelings before, and most are 215 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: not even sure of what they are feeling. My school 216 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,800 Speaker 1: district has spent a great deal of time focusing on 217 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,880 Speaker 1: social emotional learning SEL through this school year. We try 218 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 1: to teach coping skills and focus on teaching kids how 219 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: to deal with their feelings and become the best version 220 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: of themselves. As someone who has also been experiencing the 221 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,959 Speaker 1: many anxieties of the world today, I have recently downloaded 222 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: the car mapp thanks to my mom. My mom and 223 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 1: I are big fans of yours, and once she heard 224 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,960 Speaker 1: that you will have seven minutes of Daily Jay each day, 225 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 1: she encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and 226 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 1: meditation have quickly become part of my daily routine, so 227 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,440 Speaker 1: much that I've begun incorporating some of them into my 228 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: sel morning meetings with my third graders. If you've ever 229 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,439 Speaker 1: wanted to meditate with me, join me on the car 230 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: mapp for the Daily Jay, a daily guided meditation where 231 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: I'll help you find calm in the chaos. Plant beautiful 232 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:01,200 Speaker 1: intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for 233 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: positive actions to get you closer to the life of 234 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: your dreams. Meditate with me by going to Calm dot 235 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 1: com forward slash jay to get forty percent off a 236 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: Calm Premium membership. That's only forty two dollars for the 237 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: whole year for a daily guided meditation experience the Daily 238 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:22,800 Speaker 1: Jy only on Calm. The reason I'm really placing emphasis 239 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: on this is if you do this as an exercise 240 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,320 Speaker 1: over the next week, I promise you it's going to 241 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 1: transform your relationships. I promise you it's going to make 242 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: birthdays and Christmas is easier. I promise you it's going 243 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: to make day to day interaction easier, and it will 244 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 1: really change the quality and the depth of your relationships. 245 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: Isn't that what we want? How many times does it 246 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: come to someone's birthday that you love and care about 247 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 1: and you don't know what to get them, or you 248 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: don't know what to do for them. You finally get 249 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: something together, you put it together and you give it 250 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: to them and you're hoping they'll be happy with it, 251 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,240 Speaker 1: and they may or may not be. They might be grateful. 252 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 1: But if you understood their love language, it would change it. 253 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: Or when someone's going through a tough time, maybe someone's 254 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: lost a family member, maybe someone's pet is unwell, maybe 255 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,480 Speaker 1: they just lost their job, and you're wondering, well, how 256 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 1: do I process this? And you're like, oh, well, maybe 257 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe I just won't say anything because 258 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: they don't want to hear about it, or maybe you know, 259 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: like maybe I'll just send them some flowers or I'll 260 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 1: send them a card, and we do the most generic, 261 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 1: basic thing, right, Like that's what we do. And I 262 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,320 Speaker 1: really get upset of myself because I fall into this 263 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: trap all the time where I do a generic, basic thing, 264 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: or in the past sometimes I've made the mistake of 265 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: avoiding it because I'm uncomfortable, right, I feel uncomfortable. I'm like, 266 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 1: I don't know what to say to them, so I 267 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 1: just won't bring it up. That doesn't help anyone. But 268 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 1: if you knew their love language, you would know how 269 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 1: they want to be approached in this situation. Right. This 270 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 1: isn't just about not arguing with your partner. This isn't 271 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 1: just about like what gift to get someone on their birthday. 272 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: This is about a deep understanding of how to connect 273 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 1: with this person at different places in their life. And 274 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,760 Speaker 1: so I just really want to take a moment to 275 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,000 Speaker 1: reflect on that with you, Right, I really want to 276 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: take a moment to reflect on that with you because 277 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: this is going to be huge for so many different 278 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: areas of your life. Right, This is gonna be huge 279 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: for so many different areas of your life, and I 280 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: just don't want you to underestimate it. So a big 281 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,920 Speaker 1: thank you to Gary Chapman for writing this book, for 282 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 1: creating this concept, and for introducing it to me through 283 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: his work. And I'm just grateful that I get a 284 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: pass it on to all of you and share my reflections. 285 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: That's really what I'm doing here is as someone who's 286 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 1: been trying to practice this for many years now, I 287 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: wanted to share my reflections, my challenges with it, the 288 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,920 Speaker 1: things I've learned from it. So here are the five 289 00:16:52,040 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: languages words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, lay time, 290 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: and act of service. The first thing I want you 291 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,640 Speaker 1: to do, and I'll do it as i'm speaking to you, 292 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: is I want you to write down your five in 293 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: your order, Right, I want you to write down your 294 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 1: five in your order, and I don't want you to 295 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: be shy. I don't want you to be uneasy about this. 296 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: I want you to push through that and really write 297 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,960 Speaker 1: it down, like be honest with yourself. See the reason 298 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: why we don't write this down and reflect on it 299 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 1: is because we know we feel uncomfortable saying that. We 300 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: feel like, oh my gosh, it must be so weak 301 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,360 Speaker 1: that I want to be loved in that way? Right, 302 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,679 Speaker 1: I must be so weak that I want to be 303 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: loved in that way. And the truth is because we 304 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:49,919 Speaker 1: feel weak wanting to be loved that way? How empowering 305 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,400 Speaker 1: is that? To be loved that way? We in our 306 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,119 Speaker 1: own heads feel, wow, the way I want to be 307 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,120 Speaker 1: loved is so lame. Wait a minute, then, how are 308 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: we going to deserve the love we need in one? 309 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: How are you going to receive the love we need 310 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,080 Speaker 1: in one? If we think it's lame? So write it 311 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 1: down and I'm going to share mine with you as well. 312 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:11,680 Speaker 1: So I literally just ranked my five in order. So 313 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:16,359 Speaker 1: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts 314 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: of service, put yours in your order. I'm going to 315 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: share my order in a second with you all. Which 316 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: one do you find most important to least important. Okay, 317 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:31,280 Speaker 1: so my first one is words of affirmation, And this 318 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 1: is why I absolutely love to see your reviews for 319 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: the podcast. It's why I love it when you tag 320 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,400 Speaker 1: me in an Instagram post or a tweet. It's why 321 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: I love it when I see dms flying in and 322 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,000 Speaker 1: why I read them myself and look through them myself 323 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: and spend so much time with those myself because I 324 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: love words of affirmation. Because why for me, when someone 325 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 1: takes the time to tell me how they feel through words, 326 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 1: it really touches my heart. It's the way on why right, 327 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: It's the way I'm wired encouraging powerful, empowering words, appreciation, gratitude. 328 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 1: It makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Now 329 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 1: do I believe I'm doing something worthwhile anyway? Yes? Do 330 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:17,920 Speaker 1: I feel proud of what I do every day? Yes? 331 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 1: Am I in love with what I do every day? Yes? 332 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: But when someone loves me back for what I love, 333 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,120 Speaker 1: I just fall in love with doing it more So 334 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: whenever I bump into you and you tell me something beautiful, 335 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 1: or you write a review on my podcast, or whatever 336 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: it may be. Last week, I bumped into a few 337 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,520 Speaker 1: of you at Air one when we were launching joyot 338 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,880 Speaker 1: there and it was just so beautiful. I loved it, 339 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,640 Speaker 1: and so I just really mean that, like, it's been 340 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,760 Speaker 1: so powerful receiving your words of affirmation, so thank you 341 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,880 Speaker 1: so much. And with these podcasts, that's what I'm really 342 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,199 Speaker 1: trying to give you back. I'm trying to give you 343 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:56,119 Speaker 1: words of affirmation back as well. Now, let's say someone 344 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:01,959 Speaker 1: in your family needs words of affirmation. It means that 345 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,439 Speaker 1: you want to communicate and connect with them in a 346 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 1: way where words are very important. This isn't just about 347 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 1: being encouraging or giving empty flattery or saying nice things, right. 348 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,959 Speaker 1: I think that's where we make a mistake on what 349 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,880 Speaker 1: words of affirmation really are. Sometimes we think or people 350 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: just want to hear nice things about themselves, and it's like, well, no, no, no, 351 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,719 Speaker 1: that's not it. That's a very basic version. And this 352 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: is exactly why I wanted to do this episode to 353 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:35,159 Speaker 1: deep dive on this. Words of affirmation are clearly and 354 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:41,080 Speaker 1: carefully using words with these individuals, right to them, words 355 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:44,000 Speaker 1: are the most important things. So words can wound them, 356 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: or words can be wisdom to them, you know, passive 357 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 1: aggression to them, like a slight dig to them, a 358 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: comment about something, they're going to take it even more seriously. 359 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: And sometimes you will be like, but I was just 360 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,720 Speaker 1: joking with you, Like it wasn't that deep. But to 361 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: this person, the words you use with them are so 362 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: sacred and so important, and they needs words to have appreciation, acknowledgement, 363 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: to feel seen, to feel understood, to feel heard. They 364 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: experience that through words. They experienced that through words throughout 365 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 1: the day. For this person, you could have made the bed, 366 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:28,360 Speaker 1: made breakfast, and you could have made lunch, and what 367 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,560 Speaker 1: they needed to hear is how are you doing today? Oh, yeah, 368 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,640 Speaker 1: you've got that big meeting. I hope it goes really well. 369 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,840 Speaker 1: I'm sure you're really well prepared for it. Or the 370 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,959 Speaker 1: night before saying, hen, no, you've got that big meeting, 371 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,720 Speaker 1: how can I help you with it? Right? And that 372 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: word of affirmation, or they came back and they told you, hey, 373 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: you know what, the meeting went well, and you're like, 374 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: that's amazing, I knew a world. Congrats, like tell me 375 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,080 Speaker 1: about it. Like the words are so important to them, 376 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:02,480 Speaker 1: that positivity, that energy that comes through language. Now, something 377 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 1: that these people often really appreciate is handwritten notes or cards. 378 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 1: They love getting a random text throughout the day, right like, 379 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: words are so important to them throughout the day, to 380 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: know that you're thinking of them, to know that they're 381 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:21,120 Speaker 1: in your mind. And the thing that really upsets them 382 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: is when they don't feel acknowledged for their efforts, they 383 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: don't feel seen for their hard work. And you may think, well, gosh, 384 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,920 Speaker 1: why does this person need this? And it's like, because 385 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: there's a part of them that's doing that for you. 386 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: You may not feel that, you may not think that, 387 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 1: but there's a part of them that feels they're doing 388 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 1: it for you. And by the way, taking an opportunity 389 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 1: to be grateful, whether something small or not, it goes 390 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: such a long way. I know that for me this 391 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: because I love receiving words of affirmation. I find giving 392 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:58,159 Speaker 1: words of affirmation fairly easy, and I do it a 393 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,720 Speaker 1: lot with Radi. Whether she's just cooked us them amazing dinner, 394 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 1: I'll thank her every day for an amazing dinner. And 395 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,359 Speaker 1: I realized how much I love doing that for my 396 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: mom as well, because it means the world, right like, 397 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,840 Speaker 1: it means so much it shouldn't just be expected. And 398 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 1: I think sometimes when we're scared of giving words of affirmation, 399 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,040 Speaker 1: it means we kind of expect that that person should 400 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,440 Speaker 1: be doing what they're doing. Anyway, noticing with words is 401 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. Okay. On my next list is gifts. Now. 402 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,720 Speaker 1: One of the things I want to clarify her is 403 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: that the way we get our love languages is often 404 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:37,000 Speaker 1: how our parents did or didn't love us. So the 405 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 1: way your parents loved you or didn't love you, if 406 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,840 Speaker 1: there was some lack or inadequacy in their love and appreciation, 407 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 1: it creates a love language. So my mom, even though 408 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: she didn't have a lot of time, she always made 409 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,720 Speaker 1: sure that she got me one gift every year that 410 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,920 Speaker 1: I really wanted, whether it was power ranges right, whether 411 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,640 Speaker 1: it was a special cake designed like a football, or 412 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,679 Speaker 1: whether it was a football jersey of one of my 413 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: favorite teams, or whether it was I don't know, like whatever, 414 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,160 Speaker 1: it may have been right, and my mum would always 415 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,399 Speaker 1: make sure I got that. So I felt my mum's 416 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,280 Speaker 1: love through gifts. Now, I felt my mum's love through 417 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 1: a lot of different ways, but gifts was a big 418 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: part of it, and she never bought me. We didn't 419 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,880 Speaker 1: have a lot of money, so she didn't just buy 420 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,159 Speaker 1: me gifts to make me feel good. It was. It 421 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,159 Speaker 1: was really her way of getting me that thing that 422 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,480 Speaker 1: surprised me. And this was the inner part I learned. 423 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,840 Speaker 1: When I first read receiving gifts, I was like, that's me. 424 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: And now it's time's gone on. I realized I love surprises. 425 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: I love personalized gifts. When I was young, I thought 426 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:41,760 Speaker 1: I wanted audacious gifts. I thought I wanted ostentatious gifts. 427 00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 1: And one of my favorite gifts I received was a 428 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,359 Speaker 1: magazine cover signed about the Dalai Lama and it's the 429 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: Dali Lama and the Life magazine cover. And when I 430 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,040 Speaker 1: received that gift, like, I was so touched. It was 431 00:24:56,080 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 1: so personalized. And so I also received a gift which 432 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:08,840 Speaker 1: was Christopher Nolan's screen play of Inception right, and that's 433 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 1: a movie that I loved. And so I've realized that 434 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: gifts are no longer there. You know how expensive they are, fancy, 435 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 1: they are like, that's not a good gift to me. 436 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,960 Speaker 1: So notice how even the psychology of gifts is so 437 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: much deeper than a gift. For example, if someone just 438 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,080 Speaker 1: got me a random gift. Now basically I'm starting to 439 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:29,040 Speaker 1: sound very difficult, right, Everyone's like, wow, Jay, you're like 440 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:33,199 Speaker 1: high maintenance. No, I'm trying to express to you the nuances, 441 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,400 Speaker 1: the subtleties that come with all of these love languages. Now, 442 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:41,520 Speaker 1: with someone who loves gifts, it's that thoughtfulness, It's that 443 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:46,440 Speaker 1: clarity on understanding, showing that you understand a person and 444 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:52,000 Speaker 1: what they're going through. And one of the things that 445 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 1: people struggle with people who want gifts is people go, 446 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they're so difficult to buy for. I 447 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: won't get anything, and that ends up making the person 448 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,000 Speaker 1: and feel really really upset because that was something they wanted. 449 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,120 Speaker 1: They clarified it, and you're like, oh, no, you're too 450 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,639 Speaker 1: difficult to buy gifts for. And it's like, well, maybe 451 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,040 Speaker 1: I'm not. Maybe try me right, And so I find 452 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 1: that it's really important for you to try and to 453 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: learn and to understand and give it a go. Now, 454 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,160 Speaker 1: I'm being very vulnerable with you, as I always am 455 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,119 Speaker 1: here on this show, because I think that's the only 456 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,199 Speaker 1: way we grow, when you realize that we all have 457 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,040 Speaker 1: needs and desires and wants and we want to be 458 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,919 Speaker 1: clear about it. Okay, So the third one on my 459 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:34,600 Speaker 1: list is quality time. I love spending quality time, but 460 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,920 Speaker 1: it isn't in my first two. Now, that doesn't mean 461 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,560 Speaker 1: that I don't like spending quality time with my friends 462 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,480 Speaker 1: and family. It's just that the way I show and 463 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,439 Speaker 1: receive love is usually through words of affirmation and gifts. 464 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: But I realize there's a lot of people in my 465 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,840 Speaker 1: life who love quality time, and so I have to 466 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,520 Speaker 1: figure out whether I can make that time for them. 467 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,679 Speaker 1: So people who like quality time, they want time that 468 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,400 Speaker 1: is not full of astractions. You haven't got your phone now, 469 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,959 Speaker 1: you're not constantly running in and out of meetings, you're 470 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 1: not responding to emails, You're really present one to one. 471 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,400 Speaker 1: Quality time also isn't just hanging around. It's creating like 472 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:19,359 Speaker 1: beautiful experiences, making something out of anything like a candlelit dinner, right, 473 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,560 Speaker 1: whatever it may be. It's like trying to find a 474 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:27,919 Speaker 1: way of making experiences special. That's what people are really 475 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,920 Speaker 1: looking for, and they're not just looking for like, oh, yeah, 476 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 1: I took two hours to be with you, right, Like 477 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,240 Speaker 1: that's not I remember speaking on one of my clients 478 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,440 Speaker 1: years ago and he was saying that he just came 479 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,679 Speaker 1: back from five days away with his wife, and she 480 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,840 Speaker 1: was like, oh, I wish we spend more time together, 481 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: and he was like what do you mean. I just 482 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: spent five days with you, but the whole time he 483 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: was on his phone, he was reading his own books, 484 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: reading his magazines. And it's like she was like, but 485 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: that wasn't time together, and she was right. And so 486 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 1: quality time needs to be expressed specifically, because as I 487 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: always say, I don't think any one actually wants your time. 488 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,680 Speaker 1: I think they want your presence. I think they want 489 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,959 Speaker 1: your energy. I think they want you. And so when 490 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,800 Speaker 1: we say to people I want to spend more time 491 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,400 Speaker 1: with you, we don't mean time. And I think finding 492 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:17,200 Speaker 1: different ways of spending time with people makes quality time 493 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: even more fun, because you can't just keep having dinner. 494 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:23,720 Speaker 1: You can't keep sitting around, right, you can't keep doing 495 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: just that. So I think that's been really really powerful 496 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 1: and important to learn. The last two. My fourth one 497 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: on my list is physical touch. And that doesn't mean 498 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 1: it's not important to me, right, Just because it's fourth 499 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 1: out of five doesn't mean it's not important. It just 500 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: means that there's a hierarchy. Now. Physical touch often people 501 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,520 Speaker 1: think that just means sex, and it's like, well, it 502 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 1: can do, but it doesn't mean just that. It means 503 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,040 Speaker 1: a comforting touch it means a show of love. It 504 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 1: could be a hug in the morning, a kiss on 505 00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,240 Speaker 1: the forehead, it could be giving someone a massage. It's 506 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: basically a sense of physical connection, holding hands as you 507 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: walk down the street, putting your arm around someone else. 508 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: Like it's the playfulness that comes with it as well. 509 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,920 Speaker 1: And I think for a lot of people they just 510 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,920 Speaker 1: feel so disconnected intimately from their partners because they can't 511 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,080 Speaker 1: remember the last time they felt loved in that way. 512 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,360 Speaker 1: And I know that for me and RADI like, since 513 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,000 Speaker 1: we've been marriage, she's always gone to sleep with their 514 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: head on my chest. And when we're traveling or I'm 515 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: traveling or we're not in the same place and I 516 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: don't have that. It's it's a part of that intimate 517 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,840 Speaker 1: connection that we have. It's a part of our feeling 518 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:38,200 Speaker 1: of being together, and it really is a huge, huge thing. 519 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:42,040 Speaker 1: So it's really interesting to me how for a lot 520 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:46,240 Speaker 1: of people physical touch just becomes sexualized and it doesn't 521 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,040 Speaker 1: need to be. There are different ways of it playing 522 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 1: true in our lives. I think there's a lot of 523 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: us that you know, you could be having the best 524 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 1: sex ever, but you want to be able to actually 525 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: have a sense of connection throughout the day when you're 526 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 1: not in the at zone. And so I just really 527 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 1: really believe that that's something to think about. And then 528 00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 1: fifth and final is for me acts of service and 529 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,240 Speaker 1: acts of service. I struggle with giving this. So this 530 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,280 Speaker 1: is what you realize. The lower you go on your list, 531 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 1: the less good you are at giving it. Right, So 532 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,440 Speaker 1: the higher up on the list words of affirmation and 533 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 1: giving gifts. I love doing those two things. Acts of 534 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 1: service I find harder to do because I don't have 535 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: as much time. And then I have friends who really 536 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 1: appreciate acts of service brings them joy. It makes them 537 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,800 Speaker 1: feel like if I help my friend move, they feel loved. 538 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 1: If I help my friend reorganize their cupboard, they feel loved. 539 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 1: Like that's how they feel love. And so if you're 540 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 1: someone who needs acts of service, invite people to help 541 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,880 Speaker 1: you and explain to them that this makes me feel 542 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:52,640 Speaker 1: like we're real friends. Right. These people want breakfast in bed, 543 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 1: they want a dinner maid, they want some help with 544 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,520 Speaker 1: chores around the house. And when people are turning up 545 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:00,880 Speaker 1: to parties giving birthday gift but they're not doing this, 546 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: this person could feel very unloved. So I want to 547 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:05,840 Speaker 1: thank Gary Chapman again for writing the book The Five 548 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: Love Languages. I highly recommend you read it. I really 549 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 1: hope this has helped you understand the nuances the subtleties 550 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,800 Speaker 1: behind them, and I want you to do this with 551 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:17,720 Speaker 1: a colleague, a loved one, a parent, a friend this 552 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 1: week and watch how your life changes. Thank you so 553 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 1: much for listening. Please do leave a review with words 554 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,680 Speaker 1: of affirmation. Really appreciate you all, and honestly, I've got 555 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,800 Speaker 1: so many exciting updates. Please keep a lookout. I can't 556 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:33,400 Speaker 1: wait for you to get excited about everything that's coming 557 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,360 Speaker 1: your way. Thank you so much for being here. I 558 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: appreciate you. Thank you,