1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,920 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,599 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, 6 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 7 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning 8 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a 9 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:45,839 Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 10 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session of the podcast. 11 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,160 Speaker 1: I'm very excited to be marking the beginning of Mental 12 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: Health Awareness Month with the conversation that I think you'll enjoy. Today. 13 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: I am joined by Dr Lex b Around James. Dr 14 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: Lex is a sex educating license, marriage and family therapist 15 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: and the owner of the Institute for Sexuality and Therapy 16 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: in St. Louis, Missouri. She enjoys educating people on building intimacy, 17 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: getting to pleasure, and training professionals on how to work 18 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: with sexuality based topics and trauma informed ways. Dr Lex 19 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: and I discussed how to get in touch with the 20 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: idea that we deserve pleasure as Black women, common types 21 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: of sexual disorders, how trauma can impact our ability to 22 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:41,160 Speaker 1: enjoy sex, getting rid of sexual shame, and the importance 23 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: of masturbation. You know that we want to hear your 24 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,199 Speaker 1: thoughts on this one, So if you learn something new 25 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: or here's something you want others to know, be sure 26 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: to share it on social media by using the hashtag 27 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: tv G in session. Here's our conversation. Well, thank you 28 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 1: so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. 29 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: I'm very excited to have you on the podcast. You 30 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: are definitely doing incredible work in the field of sexology, 31 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,839 Speaker 1: so I'm very honored that you would have some time 32 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:18,160 Speaker 1: to share with us today. So I really enjoy that 33 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: all of your work, it feels like, focuses on this 34 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: idea that pleasure is your right. Um. And so what 35 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: are some of the things that you feel like get 36 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: in the way of us truly believing this as black women? 37 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 1: So the short version is oppression, Okay, absolute oppression. UM. 38 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 1: In my work, I found that I followed Patricia health 39 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: Collins black feminist theory. Go look it up if you're 40 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: not familiar. But Patricia O'Collins says that black women just 41 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: from existing experience racism, sexism, and classism, which is all true, right, 42 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,920 Speaker 1: so make less on the dollar. Racism is racism, black 43 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: women are sell the mules, and then sexism being black 44 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: and female. Right. So I contend that in the millennial 45 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 1: version of black feminist theory, we actually experienced six different 46 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: types of oppression, not only racism, sexism, and classism, but 47 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: also sizeism. So you've heard of like, oh, her body 48 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: is not right, she's too thin, or she's too fat, 49 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: she's not just the right thick, and Black women are 50 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: discriminated against because of that. So her butt's not big enough, 51 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: or m her she's not the curvy kind of woman, 52 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 1: so she's not as sexy, or she doesn't desire as 53 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: much pleasure, or because she's fat, it's easier to get 54 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: her in bed, or you don't have to do as 55 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: much to please them because they're lucky to have whatever 56 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 1: lover they have, right. And then we add on colorism, 57 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:02,680 Speaker 1: so the lights can privilege versus people who are darker 58 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:08,320 Speaker 1: standard have way more melanin, have oppressive issues, not getting hired, 59 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: not being considered as attractive. And then a term that 60 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 1: I got termed from Dr Donna Orio is texturism. So 61 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: based on the texture of our hair, the natural way 62 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: our hair grows out of our head is used against 63 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,479 Speaker 1: us to a point where girls in schools in South 64 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 1: Africa have to have protests because people want them to 65 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 1: straighten their hair, i e. Become more white in white 66 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,800 Speaker 1: beauty standards to be acceptable or quote unquote more professional. 67 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: And we experienced this from birth, from birth, just by existing, 68 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 1: this happens. My daughter is one in a couple of days, 69 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: and oh my gosh, people already talk about how big 70 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 1: she is and what that means and how that's going 71 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: to affect her development. People already talk about her skinking 72 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 1: color and she's a nice shade of brown or she's 73 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 1: really dark, and what does that mean for her or 74 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 1: her hair type. And because she has hair, she's quote 75 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:14,160 Speaker 1: quote prettier than other babies who don't have hair. And 76 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,839 Speaker 1: I'm like, whoa, not even a year yet, and we're 77 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:21,599 Speaker 1: already talking about all these things. So can you imagine 78 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: when you've been on the world eighteen years plus years, 79 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,440 Speaker 1: thirty plus years, fifty plus years, how much of this 80 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: stuff we get in of ourselves, how much of it 81 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: we start to believe and then for you to say 82 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 1: this body that everybody downs in whatever ways, it's supposed 83 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:43,839 Speaker 1: to be pleasurable. So we haven't taught the black women 84 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: have the right to pleasure. Yeah, I mean, like you mentioned, 85 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 1: there are so many things working against you. You're just 86 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: trying to like fend off all of these oppressive kinds 87 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: of forces. It feels like in your life, like it 88 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: feels like pleasure would be pretty far down on the 89 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: list exactly exact, but it's we're still like at the 90 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: color purple, you know, mr use the bath peumonia. Right, 91 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: there are people still believe that sex is supposed to 92 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 1: hurt and just good get through it. That you don't 93 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:15,360 Speaker 1: have the right to say no, stop, I don't like that, 94 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,720 Speaker 1: get off me. And the other part of that is 95 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: violence against women. Right, So when we want to be 96 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: pleasurable or have pleasures in certain ways, people with power 97 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: and typically men, try to take advantage of what that means. 98 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: So we have all these respectability politics like, oh, if 99 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,479 Speaker 1: you enjoy sex, you're some type of hope. It's like, 100 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 1: or I could really enjoy my body and I have 101 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: the right to do that because it's the only body 102 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:45,719 Speaker 1: I have, right and kind of going off of that, 103 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: you know, kind of like the advantages and the um 104 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,599 Speaker 1: you know, kind of different ways that we view sexual 105 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 1: pleasure for men and women. It does feel like we 106 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: often hear a lot about a rectile dysfunction disorder, right, 107 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,440 Speaker 1: Like we hear know about the medicine that you can 108 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,159 Speaker 1: use for that, and this is what you can take 109 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: to kind of control it is, But we don't often 110 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,080 Speaker 1: hear about all of the sexual disorders that impact women. 111 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 1: So can you tell us about some of those disorders 112 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: and how that might be kind of playing on in 113 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: some people's lives. So definitely, it used to be six 114 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 1: of them, and then the d s M had an edit, 115 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: so now there's three because of course we're gonna cut 116 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: everything down for women, but basically it boils down to 117 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: these three. So one is pelvic pain, right, so they 118 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: called pebvic pain penetration pain, so any type of pain 119 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 1: that goes with the volva and vaginal canal. So the 120 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 1: volva was the outside that you see of the section 121 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: Italian for women, and the vaginal canal is the inside 122 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: part like the birth canal where babies come out, So 123 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: any type of pain there. Sometimes there's pain like burning. 124 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: Sometimes there's pain where people can't have any type of penetration, 125 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: and I mean to a point where they might not 126 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: be able to wear a tampon, they might not be 127 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 1: able to insert a pinky finger because it is that uncomfortable. 128 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:10,040 Speaker 1: Then there's a female orgasmic disorder, which is our big 129 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: way of saying not able to have an orgasm. So 130 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 1: the thing that people shall in lifetime where you're just 131 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 1: like going over the cliff and your head is thrashing 132 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: back and forth, isn't necessarily what orgasm looks like for everybody, 133 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 1: but some people report just not being able to get 134 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 1: there even if they want to. And then the last 135 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:34,000 Speaker 1: one is sexual interests or sexual arousal, So it's just 136 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: not having a sexual interest anymore. And these aren't people 137 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 1: that are a sexual right who never have those feelings 138 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,000 Speaker 1: of desire necessarily. These are people who have had those 139 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 1: feelings and lost them, or something's happened biological or psychological 140 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:55,360 Speaker 1: and they can't access those feelings anymore. Okay, So all 141 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: of these and of course because they're in the d 142 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: n S and these are mental health kinds of conditions, 143 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: so all of these conditions would have been ruled out 144 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: that this is related to anything physically going on, correct, correct, 145 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,080 Speaker 1: So those are the causes. So it's either physical or mental. Right, 146 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: So there can be natural changes physically like menopause, endometriosis, 147 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,079 Speaker 1: having really crappy periods. All of those things are natural 148 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: causes that can lead to the disorders, right. And they 149 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: still have a medical terminology with them too, so you 150 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: can be diagnosed with them medically as well. And then 151 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: if we rule out all of that stuff, if we 152 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 1: send people to a good trusted physician and they get 153 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: their hormone levels, check that a toritary gland, chech um, 154 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,080 Speaker 1: their estrogen levels, all of those things, if they haven't 155 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 1: had any type of physical trauma to their body, car accidents, falling, 156 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 1: breaking of hips, things like that, then we think it's 157 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 1: more so psychological and mental stuff. And that's where oftentimes 158 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: I see couples work and individual work to try and 159 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: work through what's going on for them. And then we 160 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: also refer to a pelvic what is it a pelvic 161 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: physical therapist? Okay, okay, So before we kind of get 162 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: into any event, can you talk a little bit more 163 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 1: about like some of the psychological concerns that might lead 164 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 1: to some of these disorders. So psychologically there's there's a lot, right, 165 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 1: and it sums down to just trauma. Were in the 166 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: psych world, as you know, we no longer compare traumas 167 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: to say like, oh, it's the trauma Olympics who had 168 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:37,079 Speaker 1: it worse. We just say all trauma is trauma and 169 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,719 Speaker 1: anything that you feel, So that could be anything from 170 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 1: like sexual coercion to incest to a bad b D 171 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: s M episode or role play that you engaged in 172 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: that can have these effects. Also postpartum, so having a child, 173 00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 1: whatever way you birth a child, you can have effects 174 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 1: on your desire and arousal and your mood. And we 175 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,600 Speaker 1: talked about that as well as couples issues. Sometimes you 176 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: just don't like your partner, or sometimes your partner is 177 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: not good at sex and you're like, they haven't been 178 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: good at sex since I met them, I ain't got 179 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: time to be coaching people, or I don't want to 180 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 1: train anybody, or I don't like this and they like 181 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,240 Speaker 1: this a certain way. And then also insecurities, right, so 182 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:26,520 Speaker 1: ideas about your body, um, not feeling sexy, not feeling wanted. 183 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: All of those things factor into sexual arousal, desire and 184 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: orgasm response. Yeah, So it kind of feels like some 185 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 1: of that information that you mentioned in the first question 186 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,319 Speaker 1: related to, like all of the different oppressions, could then 187 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,480 Speaker 1: lead to some of these psychological disorders that you're seeing 188 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: with your sexuality. You better come on and connect the dots. Yes, yes, exactly. 189 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,760 Speaker 1: So what kinds of things might you be able to do? 190 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: You know, like, let's say some of it is related 191 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 1: to kind of just like the messages a young woman 192 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: has gotten about of body and she's too dark, she's 193 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 1: too thick, all of these things. What kinds of things 194 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: might you be able to do with that client in 195 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 1: session to kind of help work through some of this? 196 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,440 Speaker 1: So I I know, you know, and everybody who listen 197 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: to your podcast knows about Bernie Brown, right, And after 198 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 1: reading a lot of Bernie Brown's work, I was like, 199 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 1: this is great, but it looks a little bit different 200 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 1: for black women. So I actually developed a model that 201 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:29,520 Speaker 1: I use that's based on cognitive behavioral therapy, but it 202 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 1: is my model for working with sexual shame. And so 203 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:39,079 Speaker 1: I work with my couples around the negative thoughts they 204 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 1: have put inside themselves that they unconsciously try and make happen, 205 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:49,280 Speaker 1: and to reaffirm that they got from other people. So 206 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: I work with that. We get into the core of 207 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: what are these negative beliefs you have about yourself, how 208 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:59,720 Speaker 1: do you reality test them, what does that reality tell you? 209 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 1: And where do we need to shift? So we look 210 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,840 Speaker 1: at the organizations and institutions that these things come from. 211 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,199 Speaker 1: Do they come from you? What are your morals and values? 212 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: And we talk about all of these things and how 213 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: they want them to be different, and then we developed 214 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,680 Speaker 1: a step wise progression to try and help them get 215 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: to somewhere that feels more comfortable. Okay, next, Now, I 216 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: did not know that you had your own model based 217 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,080 Speaker 1: on Renee Brown's work, and I am curious to know, 218 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: like how you feel like it shows up differently for 219 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,839 Speaker 1: black women based on what you know she talks about 220 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,080 Speaker 1: in some of her work. Right, So, so Renie talks 221 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: about guilt versus shame. Renie doesn't do a lot of 222 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,760 Speaker 1: talking around sex, and as a sexologist, people oftentimes just 223 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,320 Speaker 1: focus on the first three letters, the S e X 224 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:57,960 Speaker 1: part And as a sexologist, I think that sex is 225 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,240 Speaker 1: integral in many things that we do. Right, So it's 226 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:07,160 Speaker 1: not just the act of intercourse, it's how we carry ourselves. 227 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 1: It's the roles that we play as women as wives, mothers, daughters, 228 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: church mothers, whatever else, basketball coaches, workers. It's also the intimacy, 229 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: so the able to be the ability to be vulnerable 230 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: with people, which is something that black women have not 231 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 1: been allowed to do for generations and generations and generations, 232 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: and so we've passed that down of we pick up 233 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: the Superwoman's tape because you're all you have to rely on, 234 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 1: and that filters into our sexuality, so we're tuned out sensually, 235 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:53,360 Speaker 1: like what about black people and touch? We've even recently right, 236 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 1: touch has been really dangerous for black women. So the 237 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,560 Speaker 1: fact that you don't want to dance with somebody and 238 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 1: he gets upset at you and kills you because you 239 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: don't want to be touched by this person. So all 240 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 1: of these things get in the way, and so Renee 241 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: Brown doesn't really take that that scope of what it's 242 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: like to be a woman of color, a black woman, 243 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: and apply to where that shame comes in because now 244 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 1: we think I'm not good enough or I'm unlovable because 245 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: of these shortcomings I have. Meanwhile, I'm still wearing the 246 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:28,840 Speaker 1: super cake. I would also imagine lex that's something that 247 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 1: may come up and you tell me, um, if this 248 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 1: happens or not, that's something that might come up. In 249 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: working with black women is kind of teachings around religion, um, 250 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: and how that may sometimes impact like the relationship that 251 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 1: someone has the sex and like this shaming piece. Oh 252 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 1: my gosh, so um as you we we talked about. 253 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: I'm from Atlanta, so I am a recovering Baptist and 254 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: I will I will probably be a recovering Baptist for 255 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: a good while, right. But yes, so church can be 256 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,640 Speaker 1: really really traumatic for some and I was at a 257 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: church where like I always had to wear dresses, you 258 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 1: didn't go out without stockings, right, and what that means 259 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 1: for how you become a woman and who you are 260 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: as a woman and then as a lover. But there's 261 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 1: a level of the cone of silence that happens around 262 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,240 Speaker 1: church and sexuality. And I have to read the Bible 263 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 1: again because I want to find the passages that speak 264 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 1: to having sexual pleasure and being able to own that. 265 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,760 Speaker 1: But yes, very much so. It definitely cuts off from 266 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: sensuality because sensuality is quote quote a sin. To feel 267 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 1: good with anybody outside of your husband is a sin 268 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 1: and we don't think about the things that these are 269 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:49,800 Speaker 1: built on very patriarchal, man built ideals, and it have 270 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:55,600 Speaker 1: been for quite a time. So what does couples work 271 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 1: him to look like? With you lex like, how would 272 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: you be working with a couple, Well, we're let's say, 273 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: you know, one of the partners doesn't have any more 274 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 1: desire like you mentioned, you know, they just kind of 275 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 1: feel like the partners getting on their nerves and they 276 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,000 Speaker 1: just maybe are not attracted to the partner anymore. What 277 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,560 Speaker 1: my couple's work look like in that kind of a case. 278 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,679 Speaker 1: So most of the time when couples come into me, 279 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: I'm the last stop. Why end up being the last stop? 280 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: But I'm the last stop. A lot of therapists aren't 281 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,640 Speaker 1: really comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. And I tell 282 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: couples it is my job to take care of your relationship. 283 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: So I care about each one of you as individual people, 284 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,440 Speaker 1: but my job is to take care of your relationships. 285 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: So every time they come in, we come in. Our 286 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: first session is always an assessment session. You see if 287 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: you like me, I see if I like you, and 288 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,719 Speaker 1: if we want to continue working together. I get all 289 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 1: your background information. But my second session is always, always, 290 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: always a sexual history taking session. So with couples, I 291 00:17:57,359 --> 00:17:59,880 Speaker 1: have them come together and then I split them up, 292 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: and then they come back together at the end. I 293 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 1: always tell them I'm not a secret keeper. So if 294 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: you're having an affair and you want to keep having 295 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: that affair, I'm probably not the therapist for you. And 296 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,200 Speaker 1: if you tell me, I'm telling your partner. I'm alsome, 297 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 1: not a good liar, I don't lie well at all. 298 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 1: So with that goes when we come together, they well 299 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,800 Speaker 1: usually get a little bit upset at me because I 300 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: take sex right off the table. I'm like, okay, so 301 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,360 Speaker 1: for the next two weeks, next three weeks, you are 302 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,040 Speaker 1: not to have any type of sexual intercourse at all. 303 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 1: And they're like, what, we came here to have better sex. 304 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 1: How we're gonna have better sex if you take sex 305 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,600 Speaker 1: off the table, And I'm like, I know, I know 306 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,160 Speaker 1: that's hard. Oftentimes my couple's cheat. So when they come 307 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,320 Speaker 1: back in the session, they look like cheshire cats with 308 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,719 Speaker 1: big smiles and they're all giggly, and they sit right 309 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: next to each other on a couch and I'm like, 310 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 1: y'll cheated on my homework, Like we tried, but we 311 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,160 Speaker 1: take sex off the table to to remove the pressure 312 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: to say, you know what, it's not an obligation, because 313 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 1: having sex as an obligation builds resentment and contempt, and 314 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: those are some horsemen that come for your relationship to 315 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 1: kill it. And the goal is to keep people going, 316 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:14,320 Speaker 1: keep people connected. Also, I also find that it's not 317 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,920 Speaker 1: usually a sex issue, it's an intimacy issue. It's a 318 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: I can't trust you, I'm not vulnerable with you. I'm 319 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: not telling you that this thing hurts. So I let 320 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: you keep going, but I don't want to do it again. 321 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: So it becomes three days a week, three weeks, two 322 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:33,840 Speaker 1: months before we have a sexual engagement again because I'm 323 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:38,880 Speaker 1: afraid of the pain. So yeah, So once you take 324 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,200 Speaker 1: the six off the table, then you are doing your 325 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: you know, pretty standard couple's work in terms of increasing intimacy, 326 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,360 Speaker 1: having people it sounds like, be more asserted with their 327 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:51,440 Speaker 1: communication and stuff like that. Yes, and we do some 328 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 1: sex based ideas and morals. We really try and decenter 329 00:19:55,680 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 1: the penis. For some reason, somehow somewhere people learned that 330 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,199 Speaker 1: sex starts and ends with a hard penis and a 331 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: soft penis, which isn't true, right, Just because a penis 332 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,400 Speaker 1: is hard doesn't mean it's the last erection that person 333 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,920 Speaker 1: is ever gonna have, so you don't have to use 334 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:19,320 Speaker 1: it right then. And just because a person ejaculates and 335 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: orgasms are actually two different things. The person can ejaculate 336 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 1: and not feel an orgasm, or they can orgasm and 337 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,919 Speaker 1: not ejaculate, but they tend to happen simultaneously for some 338 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 1: But for some reason, we think that sex has to 339 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,199 Speaker 1: be over once that happens. And I'm like, where did 340 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:40,400 Speaker 1: you get that from? So people with quote unquote premature ejaculation, 341 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,760 Speaker 1: which oftentimes people misdiagnosed all the time while I can't, 342 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: you know, stay in the direction as long as I 343 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:52,160 Speaker 1: want to, Like, that's not premature ejaculation means you can't 344 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,040 Speaker 1: penetrate an orifice that you want to and you won't 345 00:20:56,119 --> 00:21:02,440 Speaker 1: last more than a minute, literally a minute. That's premature ejaculation. 346 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 1: But just because a person you know, ejaculated to orgasm 347 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that sex has to be over. There are 348 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,480 Speaker 1: so many other things you can do that is sexual 349 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 1: and pleasurable, So give yourself that grace, have fun with it. 350 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,600 Speaker 1: There's not a kind of one two, three, four step 351 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,919 Speaker 1: wise that you need to go with for sex and 352 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,719 Speaker 1: sexual pleasure. So we try and help them reorient around 353 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,880 Speaker 1: what sexual pleasure looks like, get back to whatever those 354 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: basics work for them. And I can imagine that something 355 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 1: that comes up often um is related to like a 356 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,800 Speaker 1: partner having a history of maybe sexual trauma, and then 357 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,960 Speaker 1: that of course making it difficult for you know, them 358 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,159 Speaker 1: to maybe have desire or maybe that's where some of 359 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,760 Speaker 1: the pelvic pain comes from. So what kinds of things 360 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,240 Speaker 1: do you do around that, Like to help with somebody 361 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,200 Speaker 1: who has had a history of sexual trauma, so it's 362 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: sexual trauma, it depends on the type of trauma. I've 363 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,040 Speaker 1: had women who, like you, not want to disclose that 364 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 1: they've had sexual trauma to their partners, and we work 365 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: on building some trust and vulnerability for them to feel 366 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 1: more support. But we also do some grounding exercises. So 367 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 1: one of my clients was married, very in love with 368 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,440 Speaker 1: her husband, very turned on by her husband, but would 369 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 1: have flashes back to a night when she was raped 370 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 1: when she was with her husband, and so her husband 371 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,920 Speaker 1: would notice just her body going very very stiff, and 372 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,960 Speaker 1: we came up with a script for him to say 373 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 1: to rehearse and also for him to notice that so 374 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: he can stop doing what he's doing. But also she 375 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 1: would touch her wedding ring and move her wedding ring 376 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 1: around her finger and breathe in order to ground herself 377 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: that she is with her husband, she is safe, and 378 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,199 Speaker 1: he would echo, you are safe. I am your husband, 379 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: I love you, I care for you, and that helped 380 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,199 Speaker 1: her be more so in the moment and pull her 381 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 1: back into present ten. So grounding exercises like that as 382 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: well as maybe some e M d R, which is 383 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: something that I'm trained in and it helps relieve PTSD 384 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:13,680 Speaker 1: anxiety symptoms. But also we can do sexual fantasy installation, 385 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 1: which is not something that everybody can do, but it's 386 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,680 Speaker 1: really fun to do. Okay, so let's tell us more 387 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: about what that is. So um M d R is 388 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,200 Speaker 1: something you can search. It has a lot of names 389 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,840 Speaker 1: to it and it's hard to spell, so I'm not 390 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 1: gonna have to go through that. Yeah, we already did 391 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,000 Speaker 1: a podcast episode on that, so we can referge that 392 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,719 Speaker 1: for the basics. I'm talking about specifically what you were 393 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: talking about like this, so sex fantasy installation, So people 394 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,359 Speaker 1: having access to what their fantasies look like. I always 395 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:45,320 Speaker 1: describe E. M d R As being able to kind 396 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: of watch a movie and you can stop play, zoom in, 397 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,440 Speaker 1: zoom out, and we talk about like what does your 398 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: fantasy look like? And the great thing about M b 399 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,920 Speaker 1: R is they can tell me as little or as 400 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,480 Speaker 1: much as they want to. And because I'm a sexologist, 401 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,679 Speaker 1: I hear and see a lot of stuff in the 402 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 1: realm of sexuality, so there's not too much that surprises 403 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,439 Speaker 1: me anymore. And most people feel very comfortable with that. 404 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: So we start off by looking at what it is 405 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: you desire, and then they play the movie from there 406 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: in their heads and they have a photograph that is 407 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,120 Speaker 1: a mental photograph that they go off of and it involves, 408 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:31,800 Speaker 1: evolves and develops from there. And so that can be really, 409 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,080 Speaker 1: really a powerful tool for people to get back to 410 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,639 Speaker 1: what do they want and what do they desire and 411 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,240 Speaker 1: then they can act those out if they want to, 412 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,440 Speaker 1: or they can just keep them for themselves. And that 413 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,160 Speaker 1: has been a tool that really helped people get back 414 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:51,639 Speaker 1: to center. Yeah, that does sound like a very powerful experience, 415 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,879 Speaker 1: like to kind of correct some of the things that 416 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 1: may have happened in like a trauma. Yeah, So if 417 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 1: someone looking for so you've mentioned a couple of times 418 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 1: that you're sex oologists. So if someone is looking for 419 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,679 Speaker 1: a therapist or a sexologist to assist them with the 420 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,680 Speaker 1: kinds of concerns that you've mentioned, what kinds of things 421 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: should they be looking for their particular certifications? Like what 422 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 1: kinds of question should you be asking somebody who you're 423 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:20,000 Speaker 1: going through for this kind of work? So I would 424 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:24,000 Speaker 1: definitely go off of what they ask you. One, if 425 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:29,160 Speaker 1: they ask you about sex and sexuality. If they don't 426 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: ask you, I would call them that as a red 427 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 1: flag because it means that there might be a level 428 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:37,000 Speaker 1: of the discomfort. It should be a regular part of 429 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: your assessment of your conversation, and it should be pretty 430 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: easy in their narrative. If it's not something that's easy 431 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,120 Speaker 1: in or narrative, if they're like, oh, and what about 432 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: your sex life and they're whispering about it, or it's 433 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,159 Speaker 1: rushed and you don't have much to say but they 434 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,080 Speaker 1: don't ask any follow up questions, those are red flags. 435 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,640 Speaker 1: I am a Certified Sexuality Educator with a SEXT which 436 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: is a a S e c T, which is the 437 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:09,439 Speaker 1: American Association of sexologists, educators, clinicians and therapists, and we 438 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: have a directory so a sec dot org as well 439 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:16,160 Speaker 1: as there's a bunch of different others, but that tends 440 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:20,080 Speaker 1: to be the main powerhouse for clinicians and therapists. However, 441 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,199 Speaker 1: there are accessibility issues. It can be expensive to be 442 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:26,439 Speaker 1: certified and takes a lot. So you also want to 443 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: look for somebody who might do work or community service 444 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 1: or even on their website has lgbt Q plus friendly 445 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,240 Speaker 1: on their website. So oftentimes these people are more well 446 00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 1: versed in sex and sexuality and being accepting of all 447 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: sorts of lifestyles because you know joy some of your 448 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,159 Speaker 1: listeners might be polyamorous and might be scared to go 449 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 1: talk to somebody because they're polyamorous and they might be 450 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,480 Speaker 1: judged or their kids might be threatened to be taken away. Um. 451 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,480 Speaker 1: Some of your listeners also might be sex workers, and 452 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: sex workers oftentimes has come with a lot of stigma 453 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,920 Speaker 1: and people think that it's all about the sex work 454 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,040 Speaker 1: when it's not. It's like, actually, i'm depressed for this 455 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,680 Speaker 1: other reason. It's not my sex work or my job. 456 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,920 Speaker 1: So looking at looking at their blogs see if there's 457 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,959 Speaker 1: anything sexuality based or if it's mentioned in their blogs 458 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:23,760 Speaker 1: is really important too. And there's also sexual addiction counselors. 459 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: Um A sex is not somebody who supports sexual addiction, 460 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,520 Speaker 1: but there are very well versed sexual addiction. So that's 461 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: the c SAT S c s a t UM Certified 462 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 1: Sexual Addictions therapist, so you can look for that if 463 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,639 Speaker 1: that's the type that you're looking for as well. Okay, 464 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,720 Speaker 1: that's a good information. Now can you tell me more 465 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:49,240 Speaker 1: about UM why a SEC does not recognize sexual addiction? 466 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:53,919 Speaker 1: So addiction actually looks a lot different when it comes 467 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:58,960 Speaker 1: to things that you need, right, So like food addiction, UM, 468 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,639 Speaker 1: sex addiction is more so behavioral then it is psychological 469 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,439 Speaker 1: and the fact that you're inducing a drug into your body. 470 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,080 Speaker 1: So if you compare the brains of somebody who is 471 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,439 Speaker 1: a sex addict versus somebody who was a meth addict, 472 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,879 Speaker 1: the brains look vastly different and the responses in the 473 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:22,400 Speaker 1: brain are vastly different. So, yes, you get oxytocin, which 474 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,120 Speaker 1: is a feel good hormone boost in your brain when 475 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:30,199 Speaker 1: you're engaging in sexual play, hopefully if it's pleasurable. But 476 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,360 Speaker 1: we consider that people are using sex and sexuality as 477 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:37,920 Speaker 1: a coping mechanism poorly used, and it's more so behavioral 478 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 1: because it's something that you need. It's something that's natural 479 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 1: and innate versus introducing a foreign substance into your body. 480 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,960 Speaker 1: God it okay. So I know a lot of the 481 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,480 Speaker 1: work that you are doing right now. You have a 482 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: program called Masturbation Mastery. So I want to hear more 483 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 1: about this program and want to hear more about why 484 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 1: you think it's important to focus on masturbation and as 485 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,560 Speaker 1: a topic. So masturbation also known this solo sex, right 486 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: is oftentimes the first introduction to sex and sexual pleasure 487 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 1: that people have, and there's so much taboo around it. Right. 488 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 1: So being a recovering Baptist, it was your your hands 489 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,479 Speaker 1: are gonna get harry if you masturbate, and all of 490 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:23,480 Speaker 1: the other like just stereotypes. One of my co workers 491 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: once told a boy that his penis is gonna fall 492 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: off because he was masturbating, and I was like, oh, 493 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:34,040 Speaker 1: oh oh wait, wait, no, no, we're not We're not 494 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: going to do that. Um. So I do offer a 495 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:41,880 Speaker 1: Masturbation Mastery class, and I think it's really important because 496 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 1: you've gotta know yourself. You gotta know yourself. In my office, 497 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: I often teach people who come in that you are 498 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,120 Speaker 1: the person that's responsible for your orgasm, not your partner. 499 00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,680 Speaker 1: So your partner is not supposed to know how to 500 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: unlock this box and put together this puzzle of who 501 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:06,520 Speaker 1: you are to make you climax. Not their job. It's 502 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 1: your job to be able to direct them to go 503 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:12,960 Speaker 1: through this maze to know what's arousal, Like do you 504 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 1: know which side of your clitters is more sensitive than 505 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:20,880 Speaker 1: the other have you tried that? And do you know 506 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:25,680 Speaker 1: which part of your penis do you feel like less 507 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:29,240 Speaker 1: likely to have an orgasm when stroked? Or do you 508 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 1: know the type of speed you like or the pressure 509 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,880 Speaker 1: you like. Also exploring your g spot, which is like 510 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:39,360 Speaker 1: internal So getting really comfortable with those pieces and parts 511 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 1: of yourself so you can be comfortable to share it 512 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 1: with somebody else and reach peak pleasure. Again, I told 513 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: you that we don't center the penis in my work, 514 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,480 Speaker 1: and in not centering the penis, there are so many 515 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: other things you can do, Like you can mutually masturbate 516 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 1: with your partner, so watching them pleasing themselves or having 517 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 1: them watch you, or doing that at the same time 518 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: and then coming together as much as you want to 519 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,280 Speaker 1: come together. So you're doing your own warm up there. 520 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,000 Speaker 1: And if you ever talk to my lover, my lover 521 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:15,080 Speaker 1: thinks that I think that sex solves everything. Um and 522 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 1: pretty much you do. So when I have a headache, 523 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, babe, we need to have sex. He's because 524 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: you have a headache. I was like, I know, it's 525 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 1: gonna make the headache go away. I don't think sex 526 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 1: solves this, so I'm like whatever. So with that, it 527 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 1: definitely helps, like relax, It helps you love on yourself 528 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,719 Speaker 1: just a little bit, find yourself beautiful. You can do 529 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:38,360 Speaker 1: different positions and masturbation to have different types of orgasm 530 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,320 Speaker 1: feelings and different types of pleasurable feelings. So it's really 531 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,719 Speaker 1: important to not only ground yourself, but so you can 532 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 1: communicate how that you like to be pleased. So lex 533 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:55,080 Speaker 1: is this uh in person? Courses? This online? Like? How 534 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,320 Speaker 1: did what's the format of the of the classes? My courses? 535 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,760 Speaker 1: In person? Uh? So we go through body parts. We 536 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,640 Speaker 1: talk about the legs of the clitterest because people often 537 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,800 Speaker 1: think it's just the quote unquote man on the boat. 538 00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,240 Speaker 1: It's not. It's a whole network. It actually has legs 539 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,440 Speaker 1: and other parts that can be stimulated. We talked about 540 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 1: parts of the penis as well, and we talked about 541 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,120 Speaker 1: um different types of toys. There's like a sex toy 542 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 1: quiz to see what type of sex toy might be 543 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,480 Speaker 1: best suited for you, and then we go through all 544 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 1: of the different types of sex toys. Uh, if you 545 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:31,720 Speaker 1: ever try and out of sex toy, take the toy, 546 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,400 Speaker 1: turn it on. If it's a vibrating sex toy, and 547 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: put it to your nose. And I know that sounds weird. 548 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:41,240 Speaker 1: It does. Know you're like, I'm okay, wipe it off, 549 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,720 Speaker 1: bring a baby white, You're okay, they're cleaning the star. 550 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: Put it to your nose, and that level of vibration 551 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,360 Speaker 1: you feel in your nose will be like the level 552 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,560 Speaker 1: of vibration you will feel on your clitter ist because 553 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:57,240 Speaker 1: it's the same kind of spongey tissue. So if it's 554 00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,200 Speaker 1: too much on your nose, it'll be too much on 555 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: your clitterest. If it's not enough on your nose, it 556 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 1: won't be enough on your clitterest. If it's just right, 557 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:07,160 Speaker 1: then it's just right. And buy that one um as 558 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,080 Speaker 1: well as we I use Oh my god, yes, and 559 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 1: oh my god, Yes, is this tool where it teaches 560 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:18,480 Speaker 1: you how to do different strokes on actual volva's. It's 561 00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:23,400 Speaker 1: pretty graphic. It gives a little video blurm, but literally 562 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,480 Speaker 1: you use a touch screen like your phone and you 563 00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:30,320 Speaker 1: stimulate a volva and a clitterest to try and bring 564 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:35,280 Speaker 1: that person whatever the avatar is, to orgasm. So we 565 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,760 Speaker 1: need that class too. This is an advanced technology. This 566 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 1: it is. I was so excited. I was so excited. 567 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 1: I went through my office trying to show people and 568 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:50,360 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh wait, everybody's everybody's not on Okay, everybody right? 569 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:55,320 Speaker 1: So how many classes? Is it? Like a one time 570 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:58,160 Speaker 1: class or like multiple meetings? This is just a one 571 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:01,400 Speaker 1: time class right now. Not sure if it evolve, but 572 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,640 Speaker 1: it's something I get to do that's fun and again 573 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:09,680 Speaker 1: getting back to the self care and being that pleasure 574 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,440 Speaker 1: is a right. So I thought that masturbation was a 575 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:15,279 Speaker 1: good place to start with that. Yeah, I am sure 576 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:18,440 Speaker 1: that after this podcast episode airs, you will have lots 577 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,680 Speaker 1: of um context and hey, can we make this an 578 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:26,239 Speaker 1: online class? Yeah, so you may want to go ahead 579 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:30,319 Speaker 1: and start thinking about So what are some of your 580 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:34,040 Speaker 1: favorite resources? Lex You know, sisters always love like books 581 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,359 Speaker 1: and podcast episodes and websites that they can go to 582 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: to find more information about this stuff. What are some 583 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:45,080 Speaker 1: of your favorite resources? Oh my gosh, So favorite resources 584 00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:50,000 Speaker 1: include She Comes First. It's a book. It talks about 585 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:56,680 Speaker 1: female pleasure and getting there and again the right to pleasure. Uh. 586 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,919 Speaker 1: Then there's the Pleasure Mechanics. They're on Amazon and they're 587 00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:04,360 Speaker 1: actually authors and they have I don't know, I felt 588 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,400 Speaker 1: really lucky. I got to download all of their books 589 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:10,400 Speaker 1: for free. I think it's like thirteen or fifteen books. 590 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,080 Speaker 1: Have three hundred and sixty five sexual things to do 591 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:20,000 Speaker 1: and how to do oral on a person of penis um. 592 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:22,440 Speaker 1: It's like a guide's kind of lingus, which is oral 593 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 1: on a personal revolva. Right, So it has all of 594 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:28,840 Speaker 1: these differently how to books and how to explore books 595 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:33,520 Speaker 1: that are really quick, easy short reads, super inexpensive. Um 596 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:36,320 Speaker 1: Come As You Are is another book that's really about 597 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 1: exploration about female sexuality and power. Anything by Nancy Friday 598 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,480 Speaker 1: that's all sexual fantasies, Like literally she gathered sexual fantasies 599 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,600 Speaker 1: of women. And if you're looking for what your sexual 600 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,799 Speaker 1: fantasy might be, or if you want some validation, if 601 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,040 Speaker 1: you just want to read something seemy you can do 602 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:58,520 Speaker 1: that um Afro Sexology. Afro Sexology is a group here 603 00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: in St. Louis. They're my girls, and they have a 604 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,560 Speaker 1: bunch of different classes. They travel and they do just 605 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 1: dope work and they also do a lot of community 606 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:14,520 Speaker 1: organizing and are into art. So if you're looking for 607 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:19,640 Speaker 1: just like dope, black art and sexuality, definitely tune into 608 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:23,600 Speaker 1: Afro Sexology. If you have a kid and you're looking 609 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:29,600 Speaker 1: for some support. Their Scarlet Team and they have their 610 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,160 Speaker 1: youth led website and they have just all sorts of 611 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:38,319 Speaker 1: medically accurate, comprehensive information. And then there's also Bedsider which 612 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:43,520 Speaker 1: is about birth control and contraceptive information. And then there's 613 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:47,680 Speaker 1: also Advocates for Youth and that's across all sorts of orientations. 614 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,920 Speaker 1: So l g B, t Q at A, if your 615 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,560 Speaker 1: kid is coming out, if you don't know what to do, 616 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 1: all those type of things, go to advocates for you. 617 00:36:57,239 --> 00:36:59,719 Speaker 1: So those are just some of the resources. Of course, 618 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,440 Speaker 1: I'm resource, So you want to send me an email. 619 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,560 Speaker 1: I will try and find and support however I can. 620 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 1: If you can't find it. That is a great list. 621 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,840 Speaker 1: I'm sure that a lot of people will enjoy those. 622 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,719 Speaker 1: So anything new coming out of your practice that you 623 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: want to share licks, like any new classes or programs 624 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:20,600 Speaker 1: or anything that you're doing. So just them getting my 625 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:23,680 Speaker 1: book together. So The Black Girl's Guide to Getting rid 626 00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,920 Speaker 1: of Sexual Shame. I'm trying to make it a birthday 627 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 1: gift to myself, so to release it in July. And 628 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:35,320 Speaker 1: it really just walks through the model of talking about 629 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,839 Speaker 1: how to get rid of sexual shame, how to identify it, 630 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,759 Speaker 1: what it looks like, what it does to you, and 631 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,480 Speaker 1: how it manifests in your life and trying to minimize that. 632 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,200 Speaker 1: So that is my my baby that I'm working on 633 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:51,759 Speaker 1: right now and I'm super excited about. And if they 634 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,360 Speaker 1: go to your website, we'll get that information in a second. 635 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,400 Speaker 1: Is there some way they can sign up to, like 636 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,840 Speaker 1: know when the book is released? Um, there will be 637 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:03,600 Speaker 1: after today. Well, they can always sign up on my 638 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:08,360 Speaker 1: mailing lists to the website, okay, and I'm probush to 639 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:12,360 Speaker 1: start another mailing list as a professional or just the book, 640 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:16,000 Speaker 1: just the book. And what is your website? So my 641 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,040 Speaker 1: website is lex l E double X, the word sex 642 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: s e X and the word doc d O C 643 00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:28,280 Speaker 1: like dr dot com. So Lex sex dot dot com. 644 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:30,800 Speaker 1: And that's also what I am on all social media, 645 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:35,360 Speaker 1: on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook. If you put in 646 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:40,719 Speaker 1: like sex doc, you will find me perfect. Well. Thank 647 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:43,439 Speaker 1: you so much for sharing all this information with us today, Lex, 648 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:46,319 Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. I'm 649 00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 1: super flattered. You're welcome. Thank you. So what do you think? 650 00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:55,960 Speaker 1: Dr Lex is incredible? Right? Be sure to check out 651 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:59,279 Speaker 1: all the incredible resources that she mentioned at Therapy for 652 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:03,759 Speaker 1: Black Girls dot Com slash session. If you'd like to 653 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:06,800 Speaker 1: continue this conversation, come on over and join us in 654 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,160 Speaker 1: the thrive Tribe, which is the Facebook community for the podcast. 655 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:13,280 Speaker 1: You can request to join at Therapy for Black Girls 656 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:17,520 Speaker 1: dot com slash Tribe. And remember that if you're looking 657 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,960 Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, visit the directory at 658 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:25,359 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. Before we 659 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:29,120 Speaker 1: wrap up, I'm also super excited to announce the new 660 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:33,320 Speaker 1: partnership between Therapy for Black Girls and the Crisis text Line. 661 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,840 Speaker 1: The Crisis text Line is a free seven support for 662 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:41,840 Speaker 1: those in crisis. If you're ever experiencing a crisis and 663 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:45,240 Speaker 1: feel like you need some support, you can text Tribe 664 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,440 Speaker 1: t R I b E two seven one, seven for 665 00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:53,040 Speaker 1: one from anywhere in the US to text with a 666 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:57,360 Speaker 1: trained crisis counselor. I'm very thankful a resource like this 667 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,359 Speaker 1: exists and hope that you'll take advantage of it. If 668 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,480 Speaker 1: you feel like you need to again, you can access 669 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:07,160 Speaker 1: that line by texting the word tribe to seven four 670 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:11,880 Speaker 1: one seven four one. That's over this week, y'all. Looking 671 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,759 Speaker 1: forward to continue in this conversation with you real soon. 672 00:40:15,320 --> 00:41:01,240 Speaker 1: Take care. Five