Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: In today's world, one of the main complications in our
Speaker 1: relationship is the generation gap. Millennials and exers and zeers
Speaker 1: and baby boomers and World War Two. We all see
Speaker 1: life differently, and we're trying to get each other to
Speaker 1: see the world in life the way we see it,
Speaker 1: and that can create a breakdown in the relationship. That
Speaker 1: is the exact situation of my first caller today. Take
Speaker 1: a listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: What is your relationship challenge? Is your dilemma that we
Speaker 1: can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2: Well, thank you for taking my call. So excited and nervous,
Speaker 2: But but I'm excited.
Speaker 1: Don't be nervous. I don't I don't bite. I only
Speaker 1: bite on Wednesdays when the moon is full and the
Speaker 1: date is an odd number, and none of that is
Speaker 1: happening today.
Speaker 2: All right, I am calling because I have not spoken
Speaker 2: with my grandmother in almost three months, and I am
Speaker 2: calling for a perspective on that and how to move forward.
Speaker 1: Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2: So I have not talked to her since very early January.
Speaker 2: So it started because we went to a funeral role
Speaker 2: my sister's grandmother funeral. So me and my sister have
Speaker 2: different deaths, and her grandmother on her dad's I passed away,
Speaker 2: and so me and my grandmother and you know, my
Speaker 2: mom and some other family members we went to support
Speaker 2: my sister and my mom and my stepfather. And so
Speaker 2: after the funeral, you know, I call my my nana,
Speaker 2: who I talked to every day, you know, who who
Speaker 2: raised me, and I just asked her how the funeral went,
Speaker 2: you know what she thought, you know, just regular talk,
Speaker 2: and she said, you know, it was a good service,
Speaker 2: but she was disappointed in the people who were walking
Speaker 2: and you know, walking around during prayer or talking during
Speaker 2: the sermon or things of that nature. And so you know,
Speaker 2: she's a church girl, you know, like that's who she is.
Speaker 2: And so I just sort of told her, I say,
Speaker 2: you know, different generation, not everybody goes to church as much.
Speaker 2: And I'll say, you know, like people grieve differently, so
Speaker 2: I'll just you know, So we just sort of had
Speaker 2: that little disagreement. And then about two hours later, I
Speaker 2: got like four or five text messages from like my cousins,
Speaker 2: my friends who like have friended my grandmother on Facebook,
Speaker 2: and they it was a screenshot of something that she
Speaker 2: of a status that she posted, and essentially she said
Speaker 2: on the status like I went to my you know,
Speaker 2: son in law's mother's funeral, and I was disgusted by
Speaker 2: the behavior that I saw, and people were talking and
Speaker 2: I wanted to tell them to shut the f up,
Speaker 2: and it was just really like it was like wow.
Speaker 2: And so I felt really embarrassed that people were sending
Speaker 2: me that, primarily because you know, folks really you know,
Speaker 2: like folks know that me and her are super closed.
Speaker 2: And I also, I was like, we just talked about this,
Speaker 2: So I was kind of shocked that it was now
Speaker 2: on facebooks for one hundred people to comment on. So
Speaker 2: I called her and I I said, Nana, now, why
Speaker 2: did you you know post that on Facebook? And she said,
Speaker 2: I said it and I meant it, and she told
Speaker 2: me that I'm not her mother. I can't tell her
Speaker 2: what to do and things kind of just went down
Speaker 2: from there.
Speaker 1: I saw what does that mean? What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Things went down from there.
Speaker 2: So we normally talk every day and we kind of
Speaker 2: stopped talking, and then when we saw each other, the
Speaker 2: relationship was very like it was very awkward. So my
Speaker 2: great grandmother, which is her mother, turned one hundred and
Speaker 2: three recently and I saw her, and I saw my
Speaker 2: nana for the first time since that since the funeral,
Speaker 2: at that birthday party, and I was like, well, maybe
Speaker 2: it's over now. So I went to go and greet
Speaker 2: my grandmother because that's what you do, you greet your
Speaker 2: grandparents when you walk in the building. And I went
Speaker 2: in to give her a hug, and she like pushed
Speaker 2: her hand out and was like no, no, no, And
Speaker 2: I was like, again, very embarrassed. And then I also
Speaker 2: turned thirty recently and I had a dinner plan for
Speaker 2: me that my partner planned and he didn't invite her
Speaker 2: because he thought that we were beefing. And I say, no,
Speaker 2: you cannot invite my mom and not invite my grandmother.
Speaker 2: So then I was like, called my name, I said, hey,
Speaker 2: there's a dinner happening tonight. I didn't know what was happening,
Speaker 2: but you're welcome to attend. And she attended the dinner.
Speaker 2: She didn't really talk to me, you know, she you know,
Speaker 2: we hugged, but I told her that I loved her,
Speaker 2: and she said, I don't know about all of that.
Speaker 2: And then when she left the when she left the dinner,
Speaker 2: she told me, you're still on my list, which is
Speaker 2: like she's still upset with me. So I guess I'm
Speaker 2: just like not sure why the aggression towards me when
Speaker 2: I don't think I did anything wrong. And I guess
Speaker 2: I'm also just like struggling Missy Iswa because it's like
Speaker 2: most people tell me, like you need to call your
Speaker 2: grandmother you never know, like she's getting older and then
Speaker 2: and like, you know, like like just let this go.
Speaker 2: But I also just feel like, you know, I thought
Speaker 2: the Facebook status was really disrespectful, and I thought that
Speaker 2: the way I've been treated has been disrespectful, and so
Speaker 2: I'm finding it hard to like just let this go
Speaker 2: and like allow for her to like not take accountability
Speaker 2: for this because of her age and status and our family.
Speaker 2: So I thought I would call you for advice on that.
Speaker 1: Oh Lord, So I want to ask you a couple
Speaker 1: of questions and then I will share with you as
Speaker 1: a great grandmother, that's what I am. How old is
Speaker 1: your grandmother.
Speaker 2: That's a good question. I don't think I actually know,
Speaker 2: but probably somewhere between like sixty and seventy two in
Speaker 2: that range.
Speaker 1: Okay, so she's my age. So we're talking about Grandma Snookeems.
Speaker 1: That's what I call women in that age group, because
Speaker 1: they just say what they want to say, and you know,
Speaker 1: they they lay it down and you know it's coming
Speaker 1: from a very deep place, based on our upbringing, based
Speaker 1: on our sense of right, based on our sense of whatever,
Speaker 1: And if we haven't done our own internal work, then
Speaker 1: we are right and you're wrong, and I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: you wrong, and I'm gonna let you know you wrong.
Speaker 1: That's Grandma snook Ems. Okay. If you've done your work
Speaker 1: as an elder woman, as a wise woman, then you
Speaker 1: understand that there's a distinction in the generations, and that
Speaker 1: how you see it as a grandma, a great grandma,
Speaker 1: a wise woman, is not how the younger generations see it.
Speaker 1: Everything I did from the time I was sixteen on
Speaker 1: up to you know, thirty five, my grandmother perceived it
Speaker 1: as I was going straight to hell. When I wore
Speaker 1: my booty shorts, I was defiling the Lord and I
Speaker 1: was going to hell. And when I, you know, live
Speaker 1: with a man without the benefit of marriage, the Lord
Speaker 1: was outraged and I was going to hell. That's Grandma snookems.
Speaker 1: She you know, she has a set of values. So
Speaker 1: let me ask you a couple of questions and then
Speaker 1: we'll see how we're going to unravel this. Let me
Speaker 1: just say, let me announce this. There's going to come
Speaker 1: a moment when I'm going to share with you the
Speaker 1: most appropriate response to this, and you are not going
Speaker 1: to like it. I just want you to know that
Speaker 1: I know that already and that we'll work through it
Speaker 1: when we get there. If you don't like it, you
Speaker 1: tell me why and we'll work through it. Okay, because
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now at thirty, you are
Speaker 1: not gonna like what I have to say. Okay. First,
Speaker 1: first question, Okay, is your relationship with your grandmother an
Speaker 1: important relationship in your life?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay? Why is it an important relationship? Listen to me, listen,
Speaker 1: listen my relationship with my nana and see. I know
Speaker 1: it's important because when you call her Nana. That's a
Speaker 1: whole that's a whole thing. Okay. My relationship with myne
Speaker 1: Nana is important to me, because that's what I want
Speaker 1: you to say, My relationship with my nana. Go ahead.
Speaker 2: My relationship with my nana is important to me because
Speaker 2: she was very instrumental in my upbringing and all the
Speaker 2: successes that I have now is because of her teachings
Speaker 2: and her support when I came out. She was someone who,
Speaker 2: you know, really covered me through some very troubling time. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Like she's just somebody who is like has always been
Speaker 2: there for me throughout my entire life, you know, like
Speaker 2: she's like she's my second mother.
Speaker 1: So if I can translate that, and you tell me
Speaker 1: if this is accurate, and if it's not, that's fine,
Speaker 1: we can retranslate it. My relationship with my Nana is
Speaker 1: important to me because of how she has stood for
Speaker 1: me and stood with me. My relationship with my Nana
Speaker 1: is important because of what she has taught me. My
Speaker 1: relationship with my Nana is important to me because of
Speaker 1: the value that she has brought into my life. Does
Speaker 1: that cover it?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that feels a little different.
Speaker 2: Right mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll talk more about it when we come back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back, I am yan len. This is the R spot.
Speaker 1: So your relationship with your nana is important to you. Yes,
Speaker 1: let me ask you this question. Do you value your
Speaker 1: nana as a person? Yes, go ahead, tell me why.
Speaker 2: Well. I value her as a person because I this
Speaker 2: is a kind of a complex question for me. One
Speaker 2: is I think she's someone who is uh sometimes misunderstood,
Speaker 2: and because of our closeness, I sometimes really know her.
Speaker 2: I know what she's been through. I know that you
Speaker 2: know how she was raised is very different from her sisters.
Speaker 2: And I know the way that she feels in regard
Speaker 2: to how and you know, and and where she stays
Speaker 2: and and our family and some of the dissonance that
Speaker 2: exists there. And so I see her humanity as well.
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: This is the very first time her and I have
Speaker 2: like really sort of been at odds in my entire life.
Speaker 1: So and that's painful, isn't it?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay, So I value my Nana because of our connection.
Speaker 1: I value my Nana because I know her heart. I
Speaker 1: value my Nana because I appreciate and understand her story
Speaker 1: and her history. I value my Nana because sometimes people
Speaker 1: don't appreciate who she is and what she brings to
Speaker 1: the table. Does that get it all?
Speaker 2: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Okay, Now this question is a little more difficult, but
Speaker 1: so I want you to just just think about it. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you believe she values you? It doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: the answer is. Do you believe she values you.
Speaker 2: That's a good question. I would say she does.
Speaker 1: And what is the evidence that you have for that?
Speaker 2: I think throughout my life, especially like in my later twenties,
Speaker 2: you know, like there's some conversations that we've been able
Speaker 2: to have, you know, particularly as it returns, like what
Speaker 2: it means to be like black and black and gay,
Speaker 2: and like she's asked me questions about that experience and
Speaker 2: about just like you know, like he's ask me questions
Speaker 2: about my life as she's trying to like gain understanding
Speaker 2: as a baby boomer, you know, and like what it
Speaker 2: means for me to live my life as a millennial,
Speaker 2: and like some of the different opinions that you know,
Speaker 2: and differences that we have in our generation. And so
Speaker 2: there are there have been some moments in which she
Speaker 2: has asked me about to clarify certain experiences or certain
Speaker 2: thoughts that I may have.
Speaker 1: Had, So she didn't condemn you, she didn't judge you.
Speaker 1: She made inquiries. So she values your life experience, she
Speaker 1: values your story, and she has made efforts to understand.
Speaker 2: Yes, but I will say that if she disagrees or
Speaker 2: something just doesn't sit right with her, she's gonna let
Speaker 2: me know.
Speaker 1: Like Grandma Snookums, Grandma Snookems, that's what they do, that's
Speaker 1: what they do. Sniggles is going to let you know,
Speaker 1: and she's gonna hold her.
Speaker 2: Position, absolutely, absolutely hold it down.
Speaker 1: But does she does she throw you under the bus?
Speaker 2: No? Oh, she doesn't throw me under the buzz Okay,
Speaker 2: But I will say that there's like I've seen her
Speaker 2: do it to others, and I think that that particularly
Speaker 2: my mom that I think like also sits with me sometimes,
Speaker 2: so like I've never been on this side of the table,
Speaker 2: but I've seen this exact scenario play out with my
Speaker 2: mom throughout our upbreak.
Speaker 1: Well, don't pay that no mind, because as a male,
Speaker 1: you will never understand. You will never understand that breakdown
Speaker 1: because children bring to life the subconscious issues of the parents.
Speaker 1: So your mom brings to life the subconscious issues that
Speaker 1: Grandma Snookkelms has about herself. So the things that she
Speaker 1: sees in your mom she doesn't like are probably the
Speaker 1: things about herself she has never accepted understood. So that tension,
Speaker 1: that tension you you, you can't do nothing with that.
Speaker 1: And I can imagine watching the way she may treat
Speaker 1: or ill treat your Mother's difficult for you as a man.
Speaker 1: But just breathe and pray. So what I'm hearing you say, beloved,
Speaker 1: is that your relationship with your nana is an important relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say that your you value your gramm,
Speaker 1: your nana as a person, and you believe she values
Speaker 1: you as a person. Is that accurate? Okay, here's the
Speaker 1: other question. Are you willing? Now this is probably the
Speaker 1: one that you're not gonna like. So it's okay, are
Speaker 1: you willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the
Speaker 1: current state of your relationship? One hundred percent responsibility? I
Speaker 1: am That would be a no. That would be a no.
Speaker 1: You took too long to answer. Okay, go ahead, ask
Speaker 1: me what you want to ask me, which is probably
Speaker 1: why do I have to take one hundred percent responsibility?
Speaker 2: That is a question?
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, that's the question. I know these questions Okay,
Speaker 1: why because each person in the relationship is one hundred
Speaker 1: percent responsible for the state of the relationship, each person.
Speaker 1: But I'm not talking to Grandma, I'm not talking to Nana.
Speaker 1: I'm talking to you. Yeah, so you have to look
Speaker 1: at you and take one hundred percent responsibility for this breakdown,
Speaker 1: even if you don't understand what she did or why
Speaker 1: she did it, or what you did or what you
Speaker 1: should have done, or just say I accept responsibility. I'm
Speaker 1: responsible for it all, and then we can look at
Speaker 1: how it is that you can begin to approach it. Now.
Speaker 1: If I were talking to her, I would ask her
Speaker 1: the same question, But I ain't talking to her, talking
Speaker 1: to me. Yeah, so I can't give you sixty percent
Speaker 1: of forty percent of seventy five percent. You have to
Speaker 1: accept one hundred percent of the responsibility for your thoughts,
Speaker 1: your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, your reactions, your responses,
Speaker 1: your speaking that has caused this breakdown in the relationship.
Speaker 1: We're not talking about right, wrong, fair, unfair. We're talking
Speaker 1: about how you showed up in the moment and contributed
Speaker 1: to the state of the relationship. Can you take one
Speaker 1: hundred percent responsibility for that?
Speaker 2: I can take one hundred responsibility for.
Speaker 1: That, okay, because you thought she was wrong, you thought
Speaker 1: she shouldn't have did it, you were embarrassed, you tried
Speaker 1: to correct her. That's what we're asking you to take
Speaker 1: responsibility for.
Speaker 2: Yeah, not for what.
Speaker 1: She said or didn't say or First of all, I'm
Speaker 1: just shocked and horrified that grandma was on Facebookaddy, and
Speaker 1: she's in my age group. I don't be on Facebook
Speaker 1: talking about people. I can't even I'm you know what
Speaker 1: I'm I am actually impressed that she knew what Facebook was.
Speaker 2: Well, when you're retired, you know what I mean, you
Speaker 2: sometimes find things to.
Speaker 1: Do and well, big up to Grandma, Big up to grandma. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you are willing to accept one hundred percent responsibility
Speaker 1: for your thoughts, your reaction, your feelings, your judgments, your whatever.
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. Very good. That's good. Now let me
Speaker 1: ask you the final question. Are you willing to do
Speaker 1: the work to heal this relationship no matter what Grandma does.
Speaker 2: I'm scared, but I am Okay.
Speaker 1: That's all we have to do. We don't have to
Speaker 1: be scared. It's an important relationship to you. You value her,
Speaker 1: You're willing to take responsibility, and you're willing to do
Speaker 1: the work. So the first work you have to do
Speaker 1: is eliminate all judgments. You judged what she did as wrong.
Speaker 2: M hm.
Speaker 1: Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay, that's a judgment. It's your judgment. Yes, Understanding who
Speaker 1: she is that you value, understanding her story, understanding what
Speaker 1: she's contributed to your life, how she stood with you,
Speaker 1: how she stood for you, how she's made the attempts
Speaker 1: to understand you. The people that she was disturbed with
Speaker 1: by their behavior, which Grandma Snookums would be. And when
Speaker 1: I say Snookums, I'm talking about a general population of
Speaker 1: elder women. Okay, snookes. How she did that, you said
Speaker 1: that was wrong. Knowing her story, understanding her experience, understanding
Speaker 1: where she's come from, you judged her as wrong and
Speaker 1: didn't give.
Speaker 2: Her the.
Speaker 1: Privilege of expressing herself m which she gave you when
Speaker 1: you came out. There were people who thought you were wrong.
Speaker 1: Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2: That would be accurate.
Speaker 1: Oh so why wouldn't you afford her the same privilege
Speaker 1: that she has afforded you? Can you see what I'm
Speaker 1: saying here? Yes, I'm not saying what you did was
Speaker 1: wrong or what you said was wrong. I'm asking you
Speaker 1: to accept responsibility for it and get on hers get
Speaker 1: on the same side of the table with her. You
Speaker 1: didn't have to like it, and you certainly had. You
Speaker 1: certainly had the right to voice to her you didn't
Speaker 1: like it, but understanding who she is and where she
Speaker 1: came from and what her story was, it was the
Speaker 1: judgment of it. Tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 1: I want to make sure we got this.
Speaker 2: So what I hear you saying is that it's not
Speaker 2: that my opinion of what she said was wrong. It
Speaker 2: was what was behind the opinion that caused a big
Speaker 2: breakdown more than anything.
Speaker 1: Damn got it? Do you forgive yourself for that?
Speaker 2: I need to?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And again we're not we're raising this up. This is
Speaker 1: not about right or wrong. It's just about looking at
Speaker 1: the entire picture, getting on the same side of the
Speaker 1: table of something that you value. That doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: have to silence yourself or hold yourself back. You have
Speaker 1: absolutely had the right. The thing is, and these are
Speaker 1: the four questions that you have to be mindful of.
Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
Speaker 1: right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left are. When you spoke
Speaker 1: to Nana about her Facebook post, and like I said,
Speaker 1: I'm impressed that Nana was on Facebook. That would have
Speaker 1: made me happier than what she said. She didn't mention
Speaker 1: your name, she didn't talk about you. She was talking
Speaker 1: about people she probably don't even know. And you know,
Speaker 1: if they see it, they see it. If they don't,
Speaker 1: they don't. What the heck. She's sixty eight years old,
Speaker 1: She's got a right to her opinion. You know, when
Speaker 1: the people get on Facebook and talk about people well
Speaker 1: they don't know, and cancel people and condemn people, you know,
Speaker 1: everybody's in their judgment. So I'm not saying you were
Speaker 1: wrong in what you were saying. What I'm saying is
Speaker 1: did something need to be said to her? Did it
Speaker 1: need to be said by you? Did it need to
Speaker 1: be said when you said it? And did you say
Speaker 1: it in a way that Grandma Snookums could hear it?
Speaker 1: Those are the four things. Did something need to be said?
Speaker 1: Maybe something didn't need to be said, but did it
Speaker 1: need to be said by you? Understanding your relationship with her,
Speaker 1: understanding your value of her, understanding her value of you.
Speaker 1: Did it need to be said by you or did
Speaker 1: it need to be said by the people she was
Speaker 1: talking about. Were you one of the people walking around
Speaker 1: and talking during the service.
Speaker 2: I certainly was not.
Speaker 1: So why did you feel you had to defend those
Speaker 1: people she was talking about?
Speaker 2: Because I felt like in the moment that it well won.
Speaker 2: If I'm mean, if I'm taking a responsibility, it's because
Speaker 2: I felt embarrassed, that's right, and said, whoa, this is
Speaker 2: your nana talking like this. And I said, whoa, Nana,
Speaker 2: what's going on? So like I it is certainly because
Speaker 2: the first reason because I was triggered by my own embarrassment.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So you were not trying to
Speaker 1: correct grandma. You was trying to cover yourself. I was
Speaker 1: embarrassed by my grandmother when she came up to school
Speaker 1: with her wig gone backwards. Okay, but Grandma Snookems was Russian.
Speaker 1: She put the wig on the bangs was over her ear,
Speaker 1: that was not on her forehead. And I was very
Speaker 1: embarrassed by that. But I knew enough not to open
Speaker 1: my mouth and say, Grandma's twist your wig around. I
Speaker 1: knew that mm hmmm, because I know who she is,
Speaker 1: I know her story, I know her experience, and I
Speaker 1: valued her. So I'm loving her. I'm not caring about
Speaker 1: what people are thinking and saying about her. Can you
Speaker 1: hear me?
Speaker 2: Yes? Yes?
Speaker 1: And do you know how embarrassing it is to have
Speaker 1: your grandma show up at the at the junior high
Speaker 1: school with bangs over her ear and a safety pending
Speaker 1: in the front of her dress.
Speaker 2: Come on now, I would say that. The other thing
Speaker 2: that I think is the second reason to the first
Speaker 2: is I think that, you know, yeah, there might they
Speaker 2: that the people that she was talking about maybe people
Speaker 2: that we did not know, but the funeral who the
Speaker 2: funeral you know was, you know, was my sister's grandmother.
Speaker 2: That was folks that we didn't know. And so, like,
Speaker 2: I think I also just like wanted to protect her
Speaker 2: from any sort of backlash that may have had come
Speaker 2: from that like pose that garnered a lot of attentions.
Speaker 1: So here's how you respond to that when they say,
Speaker 1: whoa is this your nana? Yes, and you know she
Speaker 1: comes from the OG. She's hard on it. You know,
Speaker 1: we just have to forgive her. That's how you respond
Speaker 1: to that. You don't get on their side and start
Speaker 1: correcting her. You can't correct Grandma Snook them. You gotta
Speaker 1: wait till the right time. Does something need to be said,
Speaker 1: does it need to be said by me? Does it
Speaker 1: need to be said now? And so, how she probably
Speaker 1: received what you were saying was you were taking their
Speaker 1: side against her m hm. And that's not what you
Speaker 1: do in your relationship with someone that has stood with
Speaker 1: you and for you, someone of the og of the
Speaker 1: old guard.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Can you see that? Yeah, I'm not making you wrong,
Speaker 1: but I want you to see it from a broader perspective.
Speaker 2: Yes, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you got to forgive yourself for that. You
Speaker 1: got to forgive yourself for being embarrassed by your grandmother.
Speaker 1: You got to forgive yourself for thinking she has to
Speaker 1: live up to some social more rays. Because you're all
Speaker 1: millennials and young folk, you know you'll go along with it,
Speaker 1: with the public opinion and all of that. Grandma Snooks
Speaker 1: don't care nothing about that nothing. Let me ask you
Speaker 1: a question. Do you know how to set a table
Speaker 1: for a meal? Do you know how to set a table?
Speaker 2: Yes? Because she made me all.
Speaker 1: Right, this is what I'm talking about, okay, mm hmm.
Speaker 1: That's a value to you. And I'm also shocked in
Speaker 1: hard fund that she used the F word out loud,
Speaker 1: the little church lady. She was having a bad day. Okay,
Speaker 1: so here's your prescription, beloved. What does she like? What
Speaker 1: does Grandma Snookums like? What does your nana like to she?
Speaker 2: She loves a good pound cake, she loves this dky perfume,
Speaker 2: She loves soap operas, she loves she loves sentimental things
Speaker 2: like picture frames of us and you know those types
Speaker 2: of things.
Speaker 1: Do you have a nice recent picture of you and her?
Speaker 2: I do?
Speaker 1: Maybe at the funeral. You know, has she seen the picture?
Speaker 2: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you're gonna go to the home goods or
Speaker 1: somewhere and buy a really extravagant frame and put that
Speaker 1: picture in it. Okay, and you're gonna get a pound cake,
Speaker 1: and you're gonna call grandma and ask if you can
Speaker 1: come over and bring her some stuff. And she might
Speaker 1: say yes, she might say no, so you might have
Speaker 1: to ask her a couple of times. You ask and say, okay,
Speaker 1: well let me know when I got something for you,
Speaker 1: I want to bring it over, just like nothing happened.
Speaker 1: You want to bring it over. Okay, it might take
Speaker 1: two or three times because Grandma Snooklm's gonna hold her ground, right,
Speaker 1: And how you can disarm her is when you call
Speaker 1: or when you email her or whatever you do. Say Grandma,
Speaker 1: I know, Nana, I know I'm on your list because
Speaker 1: that way you're acknowledging her. I know I'm on your list,
Speaker 1: but I have some things that I want to bring
Speaker 1: over for you. Let me know when I can come.
Speaker 1: And she's not going to answer you the first time.
Speaker 1: Two three days later, you write her again, Nana, I
Speaker 1: know I'm still on your list, and that's okay, but
Speaker 1: I have some things I want to bring to you.
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you how to work Snookums down. You
Speaker 1: got to get to her, okay, yeah, yeah yeah. And
Speaker 1: when you go, you take that picture, you take the
Speaker 1: pound CA, you go around soap opera time, or if
Speaker 1: you don't want to watch the soap operas, go before,
Speaker 1: or you can go with soap opera time. And then
Speaker 1: when she sits down to watch, I didn't even know
Speaker 1: soap operas was still on. Oh she's streaming him. Okay,
Speaker 1: And when you get there, this is what you're going
Speaker 1: to offer her, Nana, my relationship with you is important
Speaker 1: in my life. I value who you are and everything
Speaker 1: that you've been to me and done for me. And
Speaker 1: I acknowledge that I have offended you, and I'm here
Speaker 1: to ask for your forgiveness. She may give you a
Speaker 1: little pushback, and then you have to ask her, Nana,
Speaker 1: what do I need to do to fix this? How
Speaker 1: can I make it better now? Because I don't. I'm
Speaker 1: not happy with this going on between us. I acknowledge
Speaker 1: that I offended you. That's all you have to say,
Speaker 1: and let her say whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever she says.
Speaker 1: Here's your party line. What do I have to do
Speaker 1: to fix this? That's all. Don't fight to be right.
Speaker 1: Don't tell her she was wrong.
Speaker 2: Don't.
Speaker 1: And if you have to make any confession at all,
Speaker 1: what you confesses. I said that because I was embarrassed
Speaker 1: because people were judging you and I wanted to defend you,
Speaker 1: and instead of defending you against them, I came after
Speaker 1: you and I was wrong. How does this feel in
Speaker 1: your body? Does this make sense to you? Can you
Speaker 1: see where we're going here?
Speaker 2: I absolutely see where we're going, and it's definitely it's heavy,
Speaker 2: but I understand the assignment.
Speaker 1: She's an elder, yeah, and she sees things a certain way.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if she watched Diamla fix my life,
Speaker 1: but I've dealt with many of them. She's probably hurt
Speaker 1: that you took their side against her, and she heard
Speaker 1: it as you telling her what to do, not as
Speaker 1: you were trying to protect her from scorn and condemnation.
Speaker 1: That none of that matters. This is an important relationship
Speaker 1: in your life, and you value her and the relationship
Speaker 1: and you're willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for
Speaker 1: it no matter what she does. So the question becomes,
Speaker 1: what do I need to do to fix this? If
Speaker 1: you lift the judgment out of it that what she
Speaker 1: did was wrong, that what she did she shouldn't have done,
Speaker 1: that what she did, lift all of that out, and
Speaker 1: the goal here is to be reconnected to your nana
Speaker 1: because it's an important relationship. That's the goal. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what she does, and you keep going in, she's
Speaker 1: gone crack. I'm telling you, as a great grandma, a
Speaker 1: woman of my age, I've got ten grandchildren and three
Speaker 1: great grands great grants, so I know how to make
Speaker 1: her crack. I'm just telling you these secrets. Don't ever
Speaker 1: reveal them publicly. Notice ours is an important relationship, Nana.
Speaker 1: I miss you, and I acknowledge that my approach to
Speaker 1: this situation was wrong. What do I need to do
Speaker 1: to fix this? I value you. This is an important relationship.
Speaker 1: I miss you. Hell, she might bake you a pound
Speaker 1: cake when you done with that her know you miss her? Yeah,
Speaker 1: let her know you miss her, and you keep going in.
Speaker 1: She'll crack. I know I'm on your list, but I
Speaker 1: have some things for you.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well I get her. Go find a pound.
Speaker 1: Cake, get a good one. Yeah, it's I just want
Speaker 1: you to understand you're not wrong. She's not wrong, but
Speaker 1: the judgment underneath it, her judgment of the people, that's
Speaker 1: her judgment. I can't deal with that because I'm not
Speaker 1: talking to her. I'm talking to you, so I can
Speaker 1: talk to you about your judgments, your emotions, your feelings
Speaker 1: and how this happened and what you're willing to do.
Speaker 1: It'll be fine, but don't let it keep going on.
Speaker 1: Don't let it be a year and two years or whatever.
Speaker 1: When you do a little work, you know, sit with
Speaker 1: this for a couple of days, feel it, understand it,
Speaker 1: was my embarrassment that made me challenge her. It was
Speaker 1: my need to protect her that made me judge what
Speaker 1: she did. It was my response to the people, that's
Speaker 1: your nana. If I can sit with my grandmother with
Speaker 1: her wig on crooked, you can sit with your grandma
Speaker 1: when she uses the F bomb on Facebook. And again,
Speaker 1: I'm really impressed that she's on Facebook.
Speaker 2: Yeah, We've had many of a sessions to walk her
Speaker 2: through it. So I see the pronoun and you.
Speaker 1: Need to say to her, Nana, you know you gotta be.
Speaker 1: I want you to be, not you gotta be. Don't
Speaker 1: ever use gotta with grandma snookems. I want you to
Speaker 1: be a little more mindful of things you put on
Speaker 1: Facebook because they live forever, and I don't want, you know,
Speaker 1: one day when we have to go to your funeral,
Speaker 1: somebody's reminding somebody about the stuff you said on Facebook.
Speaker 1: That stuff lives forever, Nana, So I just want you
Speaker 1: to be mindful, okay, because I love you and I
Speaker 1: don't want people talking bad about Minna.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay that I'm gonna steal that, thank.
Speaker 1: You, okay, Okay, Yeah, we all have to be careful
Speaker 1: because people will whip that stuff out. Yeah, you'll be fine.
Speaker 1: Tell me tell me something you know now that you
Speaker 1: didn't know when you're called here today.
Speaker 2: I didn't think about the judgment piece and taking accountability
Speaker 2: for that, I think is a really important revelation for me.
Speaker 2: Is like there's a you know, there's a difference between
Speaker 2: like sharing what you think and like being explicit about
Speaker 2: the intention behind that. So that's so that the judgment
Speaker 2: does not you know, over like like supersede or it
Speaker 2: doesn't taint.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't taint what it is that you're offering.
Speaker 1: Judgments will do that as soon as you get in
Speaker 1: the right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair? Should shouldn't that
Speaker 1: the judgment is going to taint your intention for what
Speaker 1: it is that you're doing. And also being clear about
Speaker 1: there's something need to be said, there's something need to
Speaker 1: be said, now does it need to be said by me?
Speaker 1: And can I say it in a way I would
Speaker 1: want to hear it. Those four things are very important
Speaker 1: because it may have been another You know, Nana, you
Speaker 1: got to be mindful about what you put on Facebook
Speaker 1: because that list forever and people will see that and
Speaker 1: they'll have all and I know you don't care about that,
Speaker 1: But I care. I don't want people coming for you
Speaker 1: because of something you put on Facebook in the hot moment. Mmmmmmm,
Speaker 1: she's got to know you're on her side. She's upset
Speaker 1: because you took their side against her right.
Speaker 2: Oh man, communication.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, work, yeah, it is okay. But you've got
Speaker 1: my secrets for cracking Grandma's heart. Don't ever share them
Speaker 1: with anybody else in the world.
Speaker 2: Hold it close to me, Hold it close.
Speaker 1: Okay, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay,
Speaker 1: alrighty bye bye. In life, we are in relationship with
Speaker 1: so many people, and when it is an important relationship,
Speaker 1: it is our duty and responsibility to remember who we
Speaker 1: are dealing with and meet people where they are. You
Speaker 1: can't always meet everybody in the same place. But when
Speaker 1: you value the relationship and when you value the person,
Speaker 1: when it is an important relationship and you find yourself
Speaker 1: and in the midst of a breakdown in that relationship,
Speaker 1: your first step is to get on the same side
Speaker 1: of the table with the other person and look out
Speaker 1: and see things from their perspective. Now, I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that you have to compromise your values, compromise your beliefs,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to bow down a cowtow
Speaker 1: to make somebody else happy. I'm saying, get on the
Speaker 1: same side of the table and look out at the
Speaker 1: situation from their perspective, so that you can align with
Speaker 1: the person you value and so that you can be
Speaker 1: of value in the important relationships in your life. You
Speaker 1: can't talk to everybody the same way, you can't handle
Speaker 1: everybody the same way. And sometimes we're so busy and
Speaker 1: we're so caught up in the way we see it
Speaker 1: and the way we think about it is we think
Speaker 1: people are going to respond to what we're offering the
Speaker 1: way we think they should. No. No, get on the
Speaker 1: same side of the table. Consider the person's age, their relationships,
Speaker 1: their history, but most important, consider the value that they
Speaker 1: are in your life and deal with them from that perspective.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seventy five zero
Speaker 1: seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow
Speaker 1: me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces favor.
Speaker 1: The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.