1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,680 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: In today's world, one of the main complications in our 7 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 1: relationship is the generation gap. Millennials and exers and zeers 8 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:53,160 Speaker 1: and baby boomers and World War Two. We all see 9 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: life differently, and we're trying to get each other to 10 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: see the world in life the way we see it, 11 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 1: and that can create a breakdown in the relationship. That 12 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:07,479 Speaker 1: is the exact situation of my first caller today. Take 13 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 1: a listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. 14 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: What is your relationship challenge? Is your dilemma that we 15 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: can nibble on together today? 16 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,640 Speaker 2: Well, thank you for taking my call. So excited and nervous, 17 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 2: But but I'm excited. 18 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 1: Don't be nervous. I don't I don't bite. I only 19 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: bite on Wednesdays when the moon is full and the 20 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 1: date is an odd number, and none of that is 21 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,040 Speaker 1: happening today. 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:41,400 Speaker 2: All right, I am calling because I have not spoken 23 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 2: with my grandmother in almost three months, and I am 24 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 2: calling for a perspective on that and how to move forward. 25 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 1: Okay, go ahead. 26 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:57,280 Speaker 2: So I have not talked to her since very early January. 27 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 2: So it started because we went to a funeral role 28 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 2: my sister's grandmother funeral. So me and my sister have 29 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 2: different deaths, and her grandmother on her dad's I passed away, 30 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 2: and so me and my grandmother and you know, my 31 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 2: mom and some other family members we went to support 32 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 2: my sister and my mom and my stepfather. And so 33 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:24,799 Speaker 2: after the funeral, you know, I call my my nana, 34 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 2: who I talked to every day, you know, who who 35 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 2: raised me, and I just asked her how the funeral went, 36 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 2: you know what she thought, you know, just regular talk, 37 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 2: and she said, you know, it was a good service, 38 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 2: but she was disappointed in the people who were walking 39 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 2: and you know, walking around during prayer or talking during 40 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,080 Speaker 2: the sermon or things of that nature. And so you know, 41 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 2: she's a church girl, you know, like that's who she is. 42 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 2: And so I just sort of told her, I say, 43 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,040 Speaker 2: you know, different generation, not everybody goes to church as much. 44 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 2: And I'll say, you know, like people grieve differently, so 45 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 2: I'll just you know, So we just sort of had 46 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 2: that little disagreement. And then about two hours later, I 47 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 2: got like four or five text messages from like my cousins, 48 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 2: my friends who like have friended my grandmother on Facebook, 49 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 2: and they it was a screenshot of something that she 50 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 2: of a status that she posted, and essentially she said 51 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 2: on the status like I went to my you know, 52 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 2: son in law's mother's funeral, and I was disgusted by 53 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 2: the behavior that I saw, and people were talking and 54 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 2: I wanted to tell them to shut the f up, 55 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 2: and it was just really like it was like wow. 56 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 2: And so I felt really embarrassed that people were sending 57 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 2: me that, primarily because you know, folks really you know, 58 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,240 Speaker 2: like folks know that me and her are super closed. 59 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 2: And I also, I was like, we just talked about this, 60 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 2: So I was kind of shocked that it was now 61 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 2: on facebooks for one hundred people to comment on. So 62 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:02,120 Speaker 2: I called her and I I said, Nana, now, why 63 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:06,680 Speaker 2: did you you know post that on Facebook? And she said, 64 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 2: I said it and I meant it, and she told 65 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 2: me that I'm not her mother. I can't tell her 66 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 2: what to do and things kind of just went down 67 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 2: from there. 68 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,159 Speaker 1: I saw what does that mean? What does that mean? 69 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:20,600 Speaker 1: Things went down from there. 70 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 2: So we normally talk every day and we kind of 71 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 2: stopped talking, and then when we saw each other, the 72 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 2: relationship was very like it was very awkward. So my 73 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,600 Speaker 2: great grandmother, which is her mother, turned one hundred and 74 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 2: three recently and I saw her, and I saw my 75 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 2: nana for the first time since that since the funeral, 76 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 2: at that birthday party, and I was like, well, maybe 77 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 2: it's over now. So I went to go and greet 78 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,279 Speaker 2: my grandmother because that's what you do, you greet your 79 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 2: grandparents when you walk in the building. And I went 80 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,039 Speaker 2: in to give her a hug, and she like pushed 81 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 2: her hand out and was like no, no, no, And 82 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 2: I was like, again, very embarrassed. And then I also 83 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 2: turned thirty recently and I had a dinner plan for 84 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 2: me that my partner planned and he didn't invite her 85 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 2: because he thought that we were beefing. And I say, no, 86 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 2: you cannot invite my mom and not invite my grandmother. 87 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,920 Speaker 2: So then I was like, called my name, I said, hey, 88 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 2: there's a dinner happening tonight. I didn't know what was happening, 89 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 2: but you're welcome to attend. And she attended the dinner. 90 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 2: She didn't really talk to me, you know, she you know, 91 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 2: we hugged, but I told her that I loved her, 92 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 2: and she said, I don't know about all of that. 93 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 2: And then when she left the when she left the dinner, 94 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,279 Speaker 2: she told me, you're still on my list, which is 95 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 2: like she's still upset with me. So I guess I'm 96 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,360 Speaker 2: just like not sure why the aggression towards me when 97 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,840 Speaker 2: I don't think I did anything wrong. And I guess 98 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 2: I'm also just like struggling Missy Iswa because it's like 99 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,760 Speaker 2: most people tell me, like you need to call your 100 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 2: grandmother you never know, like she's getting older and then 101 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: and like, you know, like like just let this go. 102 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 2: But I also just feel like, you know, I thought 103 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:11,600 Speaker 2: the Facebook status was really disrespectful, and I thought that 104 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 2: the way I've been treated has been disrespectful, and so 105 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 2: I'm finding it hard to like just let this go 106 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 2: and like allow for her to like not take accountability 107 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 2: for this because of her age and status and our family. 108 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 2: So I thought I would call you for advice on that. 109 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: Oh Lord, So I want to ask you a couple 110 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: of questions and then I will share with you as 111 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: a great grandmother, that's what I am. How old is 112 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:50,840 Speaker 1: your grandmother. 113 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 2: That's a good question. I don't think I actually know, 114 00:06:56,520 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 2: but probably somewhere between like sixty and seventy two in 115 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 2: that range. 116 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:08,040 Speaker 1: Okay, so she's my age. So we're talking about Grandma Snookeems. 117 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: That's what I call women in that age group, because 118 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: they just say what they want to say, and you know, 119 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,119 Speaker 1: they they lay it down and you know it's coming 120 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: from a very deep place, based on our upbringing, based 121 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: on our sense of right, based on our sense of whatever, 122 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 1: And if we haven't done our own internal work, then 123 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: we are right and you're wrong, and I'm gonna make 124 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: you wrong, and I'm gonna let you know you wrong. 125 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: That's Grandma snook Ems. Okay. If you've done your work 126 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: as an elder woman, as a wise woman, then you 127 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: understand that there's a distinction in the generations, and that 128 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,280 Speaker 1: how you see it as a grandma, a great grandma, 129 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: a wise woman, is not how the younger generations see it. 130 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 1: Everything I did from the time I was sixteen on 131 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: up to you know, thirty five, my grandmother perceived it 132 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 1: as I was going straight to hell. When I wore 133 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: my booty shorts, I was defiling the Lord and I 134 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 1: was going to hell. And when I, you know, live 135 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: with a man without the benefit of marriage, the Lord 136 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: was outraged and I was going to hell. That's Grandma snookems. 137 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: She you know, she has a set of values. So 138 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 1: let me ask you a couple of questions and then 139 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,640 Speaker 1: we'll see how we're going to unravel this. Let me 140 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,839 Speaker 1: just say, let me announce this. There's going to come 141 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: a moment when I'm going to share with you the 142 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,320 Speaker 1: most appropriate response to this, and you are not going 143 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: to like it. I just want you to know that 144 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,320 Speaker 1: I know that already and that we'll work through it 145 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 1: when we get there. If you don't like it, you 146 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: tell me why and we'll work through it. Okay, because 147 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: I can tell you right now at thirty, you are 148 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 1: not gonna like what I have to say. Okay. First, 149 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 1: first question, Okay, is your relationship with your grandmother an 150 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: important relationship in your life? 151 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 2: Yes? 152 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:19,040 Speaker 1: Okay? Why is it an important relationship? Listen to me, listen, 153 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:23,400 Speaker 1: listen my relationship with my nana and see. I know 154 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,400 Speaker 1: it's important because when you call her Nana. That's a 155 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 1: whole that's a whole thing. Okay. My relationship with myne 156 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,439 Speaker 1: Nana is important to me, because that's what I want 157 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: you to say, My relationship with my nana. Go ahead. 158 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 2: My relationship with my nana is important to me because 159 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:47,840 Speaker 2: she was very instrumental in my upbringing and all the 160 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 2: successes that I have now is because of her teachings 161 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:58,120 Speaker 2: and her support when I came out. She was someone who, 162 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 2: you know, really covered me through some very troubling time. Yeah. 163 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 2: Like she's just somebody who is like has always been 164 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:15,120 Speaker 2: there for me throughout my entire life, you know, like 165 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 2: she's like she's my second mother. 166 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: So if I can translate that, and you tell me 167 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 1: if this is accurate, and if it's not, that's fine, 168 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:29,320 Speaker 1: we can retranslate it. My relationship with my Nana is 169 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: important to me because of how she has stood for 170 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: me and stood with me. My relationship with my Nana 171 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 1: is important because of what she has taught me. My 172 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: relationship with my Nana is important to me because of 173 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,959 Speaker 1: the value that she has brought into my life. Does 174 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:50,679 Speaker 1: that cover it? 175 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 2: Yes? 176 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, that feels a little different. 177 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,680 Speaker 2: Right mm hmm. 178 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll talk more about it when we come back. 179 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: Welcome back, I am yan len. This is the R spot. 180 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: So your relationship with your nana is important to you. Yes, 181 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:21,679 Speaker 1: let me ask you this question. Do you value your 182 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 1: nana as a person? Yes, go ahead, tell me why. 183 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 2: Well. I value her as a person because I this 184 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,800 Speaker 2: is a kind of a complex question for me. One 185 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:40,240 Speaker 2: is I think she's someone who is uh sometimes misunderstood, 186 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 2: and because of our closeness, I sometimes really know her. 187 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 2: I know what she's been through. I know that you 188 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 2: know how she was raised is very different from her sisters. 189 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 2: And I know the way that she feels in regard 190 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 2: to how and you know, and and where she stays 191 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 2: and and our family and some of the dissonance that 192 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 2: exists there. And so I see her humanity as well. 193 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: Uh huh. 194 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 2: This is the very first time her and I have 195 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:20,520 Speaker 2: like really sort of been at odds in my entire life. 196 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,360 Speaker 1: So and that's painful, isn't it? 197 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,439 Speaker 2: Yes? 198 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: Okay, So I value my Nana because of our connection. 199 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,199 Speaker 1: I value my Nana because I know her heart. I 200 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: value my Nana because I appreciate and understand her story 201 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:49,840 Speaker 1: and her history. I value my Nana because sometimes people 202 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 1: don't appreciate who she is and what she brings to 203 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,640 Speaker 1: the table. Does that get it all? 204 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 2: Absolutely? 205 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 1: Okay, Now this question is a little more difficult, but 206 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 1: so I want you to just just think about it. Okay, 207 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: do you believe she values you? It doesn't matter what 208 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,000 Speaker 1: the answer is. Do you believe she values you. 209 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 2: That's a good question. I would say she does. 210 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 1: And what is the evidence that you have for that? 211 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 2: I think throughout my life, especially like in my later twenties, 212 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:36,080 Speaker 2: you know, like there's some conversations that we've been able 213 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 2: to have, you know, particularly as it returns, like what 214 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 2: it means to be like black and black and gay, 215 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:47,160 Speaker 2: and like she's asked me questions about that experience and 216 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 2: about just like you know, like he's ask me questions 217 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 2: about my life as she's trying to like gain understanding 218 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,560 Speaker 2: as a baby boomer, you know, and like what it 219 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 2: means for me to live my life as a millennial, 220 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,679 Speaker 2: and like some of the different opinions that you know, 221 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 2: and differences that we have in our generation. And so 222 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 2: there are there have been some moments in which she 223 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:17,600 Speaker 2: has asked me about to clarify certain experiences or certain 224 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 2: thoughts that I may have. 225 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,120 Speaker 1: Had, So she didn't condemn you, she didn't judge you. 226 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 1: She made inquiries. So she values your life experience, she 227 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 1: values your story, and she has made efforts to understand. 228 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,880 Speaker 2: Yes, but I will say that if she disagrees or 229 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 2: something just doesn't sit right with her, she's gonna let 230 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 2: me know. 231 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: Like Grandma Snookums, Grandma Snookems, that's what they do, that's 232 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: what they do. Sniggles is going to let you know, 233 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 1: and she's gonna hold her. 234 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:53,720 Speaker 2: Position, absolutely, absolutely hold it down. 235 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: But does she does she throw you under the bus? 236 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 2: No? Oh, she doesn't throw me under the buzz Okay, 237 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 2: But I will say that there's like I've seen her 238 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,400 Speaker 2: do it to others, and I think that that particularly 239 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 2: my mom that I think like also sits with me sometimes, 240 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 2: so like I've never been on this side of the table, 241 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,680 Speaker 2: but I've seen this exact scenario play out with my 242 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 2: mom throughout our upbreak. 243 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: Well, don't pay that no mind, because as a male, 244 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 1: you will never understand. You will never understand that breakdown 245 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: because children bring to life the subconscious issues of the parents. 246 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: So your mom brings to life the subconscious issues that 247 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 1: Grandma Snookkelms has about herself. So the things that she 248 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: sees in your mom she doesn't like are probably the 249 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:01,640 Speaker 1: things about herself she has never accepted understood. So that tension, 250 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: that tension you you, you can't do nothing with that. 251 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,680 Speaker 1: And I can imagine watching the way she may treat 252 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 1: or ill treat your Mother's difficult for you as a man. 253 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 1: But just breathe and pray. So what I'm hearing you say, beloved, 254 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: is that your relationship with your nana is an important relationship. 255 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say that your you value your gramm, 256 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,080 Speaker 1: your nana as a person, and you believe she values 257 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 1: you as a person. Is that accurate? Okay, here's the 258 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: other question. Are you willing? Now this is probably the 259 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:44,080 Speaker 1: one that you're not gonna like. So it's okay, are 260 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: you willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the 261 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: current state of your relationship? One hundred percent responsibility? I 262 00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:02,240 Speaker 1: am That would be a no. That would be a no. 263 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:07,120 Speaker 1: You took too long to answer. Okay, go ahead, ask 264 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: me what you want to ask me, which is probably 265 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,120 Speaker 1: why do I have to take one hundred percent responsibility? 266 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,080 Speaker 2: That is a question? 267 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, that's the question. I know these questions Okay, 268 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 1: why because each person in the relationship is one hundred 269 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:31,360 Speaker 1: percent responsible for the state of the relationship, each person. 270 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,440 Speaker 1: But I'm not talking to Grandma, I'm not talking to Nana. 271 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: I'm talking to you. Yeah, so you have to look 272 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:45,159 Speaker 1: at you and take one hundred percent responsibility for this breakdown, 273 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,920 Speaker 1: even if you don't understand what she did or why 274 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 1: she did it, or what you did or what you 275 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 1: should have done, or just say I accept responsibility. I'm 276 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:59,040 Speaker 1: responsible for it all, and then we can look at 277 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,080 Speaker 1: how it is that you can begin to approach it. Now. 278 00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:04,199 Speaker 1: If I were talking to her, I would ask her 279 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: the same question, But I ain't talking to her, talking 280 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: to me. Yeah, so I can't give you sixty percent 281 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: of forty percent of seventy five percent. You have to 282 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: accept one hundred percent of the responsibility for your thoughts, 283 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 1: your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, your reactions, your responses, 284 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,920 Speaker 1: your speaking that has caused this breakdown in the relationship. 285 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:35,159 Speaker 1: We're not talking about right, wrong, fair, unfair. We're talking 286 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,640 Speaker 1: about how you showed up in the moment and contributed 287 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: to the state of the relationship. Can you take one 288 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 1: hundred percent responsibility for that? 289 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 2: I can take one hundred responsibility for. 290 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 1: That, okay, because you thought she was wrong, you thought 291 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 1: she shouldn't have did it, you were embarrassed, you tried 292 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,360 Speaker 1: to correct her. That's what we're asking you to take 293 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,399 Speaker 1: responsibility for. 294 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, not for what. 295 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: She said or didn't say or First of all, I'm 296 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: just shocked and horrified that grandma was on Facebookaddy, and 297 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: she's in my age group. I don't be on Facebook 298 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,960 Speaker 1: talking about people. I can't even I'm you know what 299 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,479 Speaker 1: I'm I am actually impressed that she knew what Facebook was. 300 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 2: Well, when you're retired, you know what I mean, you 301 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:27,920 Speaker 2: sometimes find things to. 302 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 1: Do and well, big up to Grandma, Big up to grandma. Okay, 303 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: So you are willing to accept one hundred percent responsibility 304 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 1: for your thoughts, your reaction, your feelings, your judgments, your whatever. 305 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 1: One hundred percent. Very good. That's good. Now let me 306 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 1: ask you the final question. Are you willing to do 307 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 1: the work to heal this relationship no matter what Grandma does. 308 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 2: I'm scared, but I am Okay. 309 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: That's all we have to do. We don't have to 310 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: be scared. It's an important relationship to you. You value her, 311 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 1: You're willing to take responsibility, and you're willing to do 312 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,440 Speaker 1: the work. So the first work you have to do 313 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:21,119 Speaker 1: is eliminate all judgments. You judged what she did as wrong. 314 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:22,679 Speaker 2: M hm. 315 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:25,320 Speaker 1: Is that accurate? 316 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 2: Yes? 317 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 1: Okay, that's a judgment. It's your judgment. Yes, Understanding who 318 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 1: she is that you value, understanding her story, understanding what 319 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 1: she's contributed to your life, how she stood with you, 320 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 1: how she stood for you, how she's made the attempts 321 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: to understand you. The people that she was disturbed with 322 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,040 Speaker 1: by their behavior, which Grandma Snookums would be. And when 323 00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,479 Speaker 1: I say Snookums, I'm talking about a general population of 324 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:07,960 Speaker 1: elder women. Okay, snookes. How she did that, you said 325 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 1: that was wrong. Knowing her story, understanding her experience, understanding 326 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 1: where she's come from, you judged her as wrong and 327 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,240 Speaker 1: didn't give. 328 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 2: Her the. 329 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:26,520 Speaker 1: Privilege of expressing herself m which she gave you when 330 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: you came out. There were people who thought you were wrong. 331 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 1: Would that be accurate? 332 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 2: That would be accurate. 333 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 1: Oh so why wouldn't you afford her the same privilege 334 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 1: that she has afforded you? Can you see what I'm 335 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 1: saying here? Yes, I'm not saying what you did was 336 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: wrong or what you said was wrong. I'm asking you 337 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: to accept responsibility for it and get on hers get 338 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,720 Speaker 1: on the same side of the table with her. You 339 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,639 Speaker 1: didn't have to like it, and you certainly had. You 340 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,639 Speaker 1: certainly had the right to voice to her you didn't 341 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,600 Speaker 1: like it, but understanding who she is and where she 342 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: came from and what her story was, it was the 343 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: judgment of it. Tell me what you hear me saying. 344 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,120 Speaker 1: I want to make sure we got this. 345 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 2: So what I hear you saying is that it's not 346 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,920 Speaker 2: that my opinion of what she said was wrong. It 347 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 2: was what was behind the opinion that caused a big 348 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,680 Speaker 2: breakdown more than anything. 349 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 1: Damn got it? Do you forgive yourself for that? 350 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:39,880 Speaker 2: I need to? 351 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, you can. 352 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,120 Speaker 2: Yeah. 353 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,679 Speaker 1: And again we're not we're raising this up. This is 354 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: not about right or wrong. It's just about looking at 355 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,119 Speaker 1: the entire picture, getting on the same side of the 356 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: table of something that you value. That doesn't mean you 357 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,520 Speaker 1: have to silence yourself or hold yourself back. You have 358 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: absolutely had the right. The thing is, and these are 359 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,199 Speaker 1: the four questions that you have to be mindful of. 360 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that 361 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:24,240 Speaker 1: right after this break Welcome back to the R spot. 362 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:28,119 Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left are. When you spoke 363 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: to Nana about her Facebook post, and like I said, 364 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:35,199 Speaker 1: I'm impressed that Nana was on Facebook. That would have 365 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 1: made me happier than what she said. She didn't mention 366 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,840 Speaker 1: your name, she didn't talk about you. She was talking 367 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 1: about people she probably don't even know. And you know, 368 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: if they see it, they see it. If they don't, 369 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 1: they don't. What the heck. She's sixty eight years old, 370 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:57,680 Speaker 1: She's got a right to her opinion. You know, when 371 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,200 Speaker 1: the people get on Facebook and talk about people well 372 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: they don't know, and cancel people and condemn people, you know, 373 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 1: everybody's in their judgment. So I'm not saying you were 374 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,360 Speaker 1: wrong in what you were saying. What I'm saying is 375 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:16,919 Speaker 1: did something need to be said to her? Did it 376 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 1: need to be said by you? Did it need to 377 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,200 Speaker 1: be said when you said it? And did you say 378 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,919 Speaker 1: it in a way that Grandma Snookums could hear it? 379 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,800 Speaker 1: Those are the four things. Did something need to be said? 380 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,520 Speaker 1: Maybe something didn't need to be said, but did it 381 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: need to be said by you? Understanding your relationship with her, 382 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,919 Speaker 1: understanding your value of her, understanding her value of you. 383 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: Did it need to be said by you or did 384 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,359 Speaker 1: it need to be said by the people she was 385 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:52,320 Speaker 1: talking about. Were you one of the people walking around 386 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: and talking during the service. 387 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:55,200 Speaker 2: I certainly was not. 388 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: So why did you feel you had to defend those 389 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: people she was talking about? 390 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 2: Because I felt like in the moment that it well won. 391 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,040 Speaker 2: If I'm mean, if I'm taking a responsibility, it's because 392 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:14,159 Speaker 2: I felt embarrassed, that's right, and said, whoa, this is 393 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 2: your nana talking like this. And I said, whoa, Nana, 394 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 2: what's going on? So like I it is certainly because 395 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 2: the first reason because I was triggered by my own embarrassment. 396 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So you were not trying to 397 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:35,119 Speaker 1: correct grandma. You was trying to cover yourself. I was 398 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: embarrassed by my grandmother when she came up to school 399 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: with her wig gone backwards. Okay, but Grandma Snookems was Russian. 400 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,920 Speaker 1: She put the wig on the bangs was over her ear, 401 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: that was not on her forehead. And I was very 402 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: embarrassed by that. But I knew enough not to open 403 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 1: my mouth and say, Grandma's twist your wig around. I 404 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,000 Speaker 1: knew that mm hmmm, because I know who she is, 405 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,119 Speaker 1: I know her story, I know her experience, and I 406 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,879 Speaker 1: valued her. So I'm loving her. I'm not caring about 407 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,639 Speaker 1: what people are thinking and saying about her. Can you 408 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 1: hear me? 409 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 2: Yes? Yes? 410 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: And do you know how embarrassing it is to have 411 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 1: your grandma show up at the at the junior high 412 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 1: school with bangs over her ear and a safety pending 413 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,359 Speaker 1: in the front of her dress. 414 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 2: Come on now, I would say that. The other thing 415 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 2: that I think is the second reason to the first 416 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 2: is I think that, you know, yeah, there might they 417 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,879 Speaker 2: that the people that she was talking about maybe people 418 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,119 Speaker 2: that we did not know, but the funeral who the 419 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:46,240 Speaker 2: funeral you know was, you know, was my sister's grandmother. 420 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 2: That was folks that we didn't know. And so, like, 421 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,360 Speaker 2: I think I also just like wanted to protect her 422 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,600 Speaker 2: from any sort of backlash that may have had come 423 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:59,880 Speaker 2: from that like pose that garnered a lot of attentions. 424 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 1: So here's how you respond to that when they say, 425 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 1: whoa is this your nana? Yes, and you know she 426 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:11,280 Speaker 1: comes from the OG. She's hard on it. You know, 427 00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,480 Speaker 1: we just have to forgive her. That's how you respond 428 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,960 Speaker 1: to that. You don't get on their side and start 429 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,440 Speaker 1: correcting her. You can't correct Grandma Snook them. You gotta 430 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 1: wait till the right time. Does something need to be said, 431 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: does it need to be said by me? Does it 432 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:33,119 Speaker 1: need to be said now? And so, how she probably 433 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: received what you were saying was you were taking their 434 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:41,399 Speaker 1: side against her m hm. And that's not what you 435 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,639 Speaker 1: do in your relationship with someone that has stood with 436 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 1: you and for you, someone of the og of the 437 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: old guard. 438 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:49,640 Speaker 2: Right. 439 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,359 Speaker 1: Can you see that? Yeah, I'm not making you wrong, 440 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,760 Speaker 1: but I want you to see it from a broader perspective. 441 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 2: Yes, that makes sense. 442 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:04,240 Speaker 1: Okay, So you got to forgive yourself for that. You 443 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,879 Speaker 1: got to forgive yourself for being embarrassed by your grandmother. 444 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,159 Speaker 1: You got to forgive yourself for thinking she has to 445 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,320 Speaker 1: live up to some social more rays. Because you're all 446 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:16,119 Speaker 1: millennials and young folk, you know you'll go along with it, 447 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 1: with the public opinion and all of that. Grandma Snooks 448 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,920 Speaker 1: don't care nothing about that nothing. Let me ask you 449 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: a question. Do you know how to set a table 450 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 1: for a meal? Do you know how to set a table? 451 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,159 Speaker 2: Yes? Because she made me all. 452 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:35,320 Speaker 1: Right, this is what I'm talking about, okay, mm hmm. 453 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: That's a value to you. And I'm also shocked in 454 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,400 Speaker 1: hard fund that she used the F word out loud, 455 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:52,480 Speaker 1: the little church lady. She was having a bad day. Okay, 456 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 1: so here's your prescription, beloved. What does she like? What 457 00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:02,800 Speaker 1: does Grandma Snookums like? What does your nana like to she? 458 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:09,080 Speaker 2: She loves a good pound cake, she loves this dky perfume, 459 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:16,120 Speaker 2: She loves soap operas, she loves she loves sentimental things 460 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 2: like picture frames of us and you know those types 461 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:21,840 Speaker 2: of things. 462 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,160 Speaker 1: Do you have a nice recent picture of you and her? 463 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:25,960 Speaker 2: I do? 464 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:34,640 Speaker 1: Maybe at the funeral. You know, has she seen the picture? 465 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 2: I don't think so. 466 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 1: Okay, So you're gonna go to the home goods or 467 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,239 Speaker 1: somewhere and buy a really extravagant frame and put that 468 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,960 Speaker 1: picture in it. Okay, and you're gonna get a pound cake, 469 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:50,240 Speaker 1: and you're gonna call grandma and ask if you can 470 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: come over and bring her some stuff. And she might 471 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 1: say yes, she might say no, so you might have 472 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: to ask her a couple of times. You ask and say, okay, 473 00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:59,600 Speaker 1: well let me know when I got something for you, 474 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,800 Speaker 1: I want to bring it over, just like nothing happened. 475 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: You want to bring it over. Okay, it might take 476 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: two or three times because Grandma Snooklm's gonna hold her ground, right, 477 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: And how you can disarm her is when you call 478 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,280 Speaker 1: or when you email her or whatever you do. Say Grandma, 479 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: I know, Nana, I know I'm on your list because 480 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 1: that way you're acknowledging her. I know I'm on your list, 481 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 1: but I have some things that I want to bring 482 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,160 Speaker 1: over for you. Let me know when I can come. 483 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,200 Speaker 1: And she's not going to answer you the first time. 484 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: Two three days later, you write her again, Nana, I 485 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:37,280 Speaker 1: know I'm still on your list, and that's okay, but 486 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:38,840 Speaker 1: I have some things I want to bring to you. 487 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,400 Speaker 1: I'm just telling you how to work Snookums down. You 488 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:44,600 Speaker 1: got to get to her, okay, yeah, yeah yeah. And 489 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 1: when you go, you take that picture, you take the 490 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 1: pound CA, you go around soap opera time, or if 491 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 1: you don't want to watch the soap operas, go before, 492 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,280 Speaker 1: or you can go with soap opera time. And then 493 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 1: when she sits down to watch, I didn't even know 494 00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:02,920 Speaker 1: soap operas was still on. Oh she's streaming him. Okay, 495 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 1: And when you get there, this is what you're going 496 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: to offer her, Nana, my relationship with you is important 497 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: in my life. I value who you are and everything 498 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: that you've been to me and done for me. And 499 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,880 Speaker 1: I acknowledge that I have offended you, and I'm here 500 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 1: to ask for your forgiveness. She may give you a 501 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:30,480 Speaker 1: little pushback, and then you have to ask her, Nana, 502 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: what do I need to do to fix this? How 503 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 1: can I make it better now? Because I don't. I'm 504 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: not happy with this going on between us. I acknowledge 505 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 1: that I offended you. That's all you have to say, 506 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: and let her say whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever she says. 507 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,320 Speaker 1: Here's your party line. What do I have to do 508 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 1: to fix this? That's all. Don't fight to be right. 509 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: Don't tell her she was wrong. 510 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:00,440 Speaker 2: Don't. 511 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 1: And if you have to make any confession at all, 512 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:09,080 Speaker 1: what you confesses. I said that because I was embarrassed 513 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:14,959 Speaker 1: because people were judging you and I wanted to defend you, 514 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,240 Speaker 1: and instead of defending you against them, I came after 515 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:23,040 Speaker 1: you and I was wrong. How does this feel in 516 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,240 Speaker 1: your body? Does this make sense to you? Can you 517 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: see where we're going here? 518 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 2: I absolutely see where we're going, and it's definitely it's heavy, 519 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,440 Speaker 2: but I understand the assignment. 520 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 1: She's an elder, yeah, and she sees things a certain way. 521 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,880 Speaker 1: And I don't know if she watched Diamla fix my life, 522 00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 1: but I've dealt with many of them. She's probably hurt 523 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:55,080 Speaker 1: that you took their side against her, and she heard 524 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,640 Speaker 1: it as you telling her what to do, not as 525 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,840 Speaker 1: you were trying to protect her from scorn and condemnation. 526 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,400 Speaker 1: That none of that matters. This is an important relationship 527 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: in your life, and you value her and the relationship 528 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: and you're willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for 529 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,840 Speaker 1: it no matter what she does. So the question becomes, 530 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: what do I need to do to fix this? If 531 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: you lift the judgment out of it that what she 532 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:30,960 Speaker 1: did was wrong, that what she did she shouldn't have done, 533 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,400 Speaker 1: that what she did, lift all of that out, and 534 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:39,280 Speaker 1: the goal here is to be reconnected to your nana 535 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 1: because it's an important relationship. That's the goal. It doesn't 536 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:48,440 Speaker 1: matter what she does, and you keep going in, she's 537 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:52,680 Speaker 1: gone crack. I'm telling you, as a great grandma, a 538 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:59,040 Speaker 1: woman of my age, I've got ten grandchildren and three 539 00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:02,440 Speaker 1: great grands great grants, so I know how to make 540 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,080 Speaker 1: her crack. I'm just telling you these secrets. Don't ever 541 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:14,320 Speaker 1: reveal them publicly. Notice ours is an important relationship, Nana. 542 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:19,840 Speaker 1: I miss you, and I acknowledge that my approach to 543 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:23,359 Speaker 1: this situation was wrong. What do I need to do 544 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:29,040 Speaker 1: to fix this? I value you. This is an important relationship. 545 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,360 Speaker 1: I miss you. Hell, she might bake you a pound 546 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:41,120 Speaker 1: cake when you done with that her know you miss her? Yeah, 547 00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,880 Speaker 1: let her know you miss her, and you keep going in. 548 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 1: She'll crack. I know I'm on your list, but I 549 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 1: have some things for you. 550 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 2: Okay, Well I get her. Go find a pound. 551 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:58,799 Speaker 1: Cake, get a good one. Yeah, it's I just want 552 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:03,040 Speaker 1: you to understand you're not wrong. She's not wrong, but 553 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,520 Speaker 1: the judgment underneath it, her judgment of the people, that's 554 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,840 Speaker 1: her judgment. I can't deal with that because I'm not 555 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 1: talking to her. I'm talking to you, so I can 556 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:15,440 Speaker 1: talk to you about your judgments, your emotions, your feelings 557 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:18,000 Speaker 1: and how this happened and what you're willing to do. 558 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,879 Speaker 1: It'll be fine, but don't let it keep going on. 559 00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,520 Speaker 1: Don't let it be a year and two years or whatever. 560 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:26,680 Speaker 1: When you do a little work, you know, sit with 561 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:30,200 Speaker 1: this for a couple of days, feel it, understand it, 562 00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:33,640 Speaker 1: was my embarrassment that made me challenge her. It was 563 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 1: my need to protect her that made me judge what 564 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:41,319 Speaker 1: she did. It was my response to the people, that's 565 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:44,680 Speaker 1: your nana. If I can sit with my grandmother with 566 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:48,280 Speaker 1: her wig on crooked, you can sit with your grandma 567 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,879 Speaker 1: when she uses the F bomb on Facebook. And again, 568 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,200 Speaker 1: I'm really impressed that she's on Facebook. 569 00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:01,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, We've had many of a sessions to walk her 570 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:05,279 Speaker 2: through it. So I see the pronoun and you. 571 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: Need to say to her, Nana, you know you gotta be. 572 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,959 Speaker 1: I want you to be, not you gotta be. Don't 573 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,160 Speaker 1: ever use gotta with grandma snookems. I want you to 574 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:17,319 Speaker 1: be a little more mindful of things you put on 575 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:21,279 Speaker 1: Facebook because they live forever, and I don't want, you know, 576 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,040 Speaker 1: one day when we have to go to your funeral, 577 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,840 Speaker 1: somebody's reminding somebody about the stuff you said on Facebook. 578 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,560 Speaker 1: That stuff lives forever, Nana, So I just want you 579 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:33,239 Speaker 1: to be mindful, okay, because I love you and I 580 00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,520 Speaker 1: don't want people talking bad about Minna. 581 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,560 Speaker 2: Yes, okay that I'm gonna steal that, thank. 582 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:45,040 Speaker 1: You, okay, Okay, Yeah, we all have to be careful 583 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:50,240 Speaker 1: because people will whip that stuff out. Yeah, you'll be fine. 584 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,759 Speaker 1: Tell me tell me something you know now that you 585 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:54,480 Speaker 1: didn't know when you're called here today. 586 00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:02,960 Speaker 2: I didn't think about the judgment piece and taking accountability 587 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 2: for that, I think is a really important revelation for me. 588 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,760 Speaker 2: Is like there's a you know, there's a difference between 589 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:14,320 Speaker 2: like sharing what you think and like being explicit about 590 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,480 Speaker 2: the intention behind that. So that's so that the judgment 591 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:25,000 Speaker 2: does not you know, over like like supersede or it 592 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:25,880 Speaker 2: doesn't taint. 593 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:29,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't taint what it is that you're offering. 594 00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:31,600 Speaker 1: Judgments will do that as soon as you get in 595 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:36,440 Speaker 1: the right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair? Should shouldn't that 596 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:39,799 Speaker 1: the judgment is going to taint your intention for what 597 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,840 Speaker 1: it is that you're doing. And also being clear about 598 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,640 Speaker 1: there's something need to be said, there's something need to 599 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,719 Speaker 1: be said, now does it need to be said by me? 600 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,200 Speaker 1: And can I say it in a way I would 601 00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 1: want to hear it. Those four things are very important 602 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:57,320 Speaker 1: because it may have been another You know, Nana, you 603 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,720 Speaker 1: got to be mindful about what you put on Facebook 604 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 1: because that list forever and people will see that and 605 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,359 Speaker 1: they'll have all and I know you don't care about that, 606 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,480 Speaker 1: But I care. I don't want people coming for you 607 00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:12,880 Speaker 1: because of something you put on Facebook in the hot moment. Mmmmmmm, 608 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:18,480 Speaker 1: she's got to know you're on her side. She's upset 609 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:24,040 Speaker 1: because you took their side against her right. 610 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,640 Speaker 2: Oh man, communication. 611 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 1: Yes, sir, work, yeah, it is okay. But you've got 612 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,640 Speaker 1: my secrets for cracking Grandma's heart. Don't ever share them 613 00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,200 Speaker 1: with anybody else in the world. 614 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,400 Speaker 2: Hold it close to me, Hold it close. 615 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:49,280 Speaker 1: Okay, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay, 616 00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:56,120 Speaker 1: alrighty bye bye. In life, we are in relationship with 617 00:38:56,360 --> 00:39:01,960 Speaker 1: so many people, and when it is an important relationship, 618 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:07,600 Speaker 1: it is our duty and responsibility to remember who we 619 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:12,719 Speaker 1: are dealing with and meet people where they are. You 620 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:17,879 Speaker 1: can't always meet everybody in the same place. But when 621 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:22,040 Speaker 1: you value the relationship and when you value the person, 622 00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:27,200 Speaker 1: when it is an important relationship and you find yourself 623 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,320 Speaker 1: and in the midst of a breakdown in that relationship, 624 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:35,720 Speaker 1: your first step is to get on the same side 625 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:39,720 Speaker 1: of the table with the other person and look out 626 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:44,040 Speaker 1: and see things from their perspective. Now, I'm not saying 627 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:47,759 Speaker 1: that you have to compromise your values, compromise your beliefs, 628 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:50,879 Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to bow down a cowtow 629 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,439 Speaker 1: to make somebody else happy. I'm saying, get on the 630 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:58,840 Speaker 1: same side of the table and look out at the 631 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:04,080 Speaker 1: situation from their perspective, so that you can align with 632 00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:07,560 Speaker 1: the person you value and so that you can be 633 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:13,000 Speaker 1: of value in the important relationships in your life. You 634 00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:17,400 Speaker 1: can't talk to everybody the same way, you can't handle 635 00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:21,239 Speaker 1: everybody the same way. And sometimes we're so busy and 636 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:23,520 Speaker 1: we're so caught up in the way we see it 637 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,839 Speaker 1: and the way we think about it is we think 638 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:29,319 Speaker 1: people are going to respond to what we're offering the 639 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 1: way we think they should. No. No, get on the 640 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:39,040 Speaker 1: same side of the table. Consider the person's age, their relationships, 641 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:44,560 Speaker 1: their history, but most important, consider the value that they 642 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:48,920 Speaker 1: are in your life and deal with them from that perspective. 643 00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:51,879 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if 644 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:56,719 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 645 00:40:56,840 --> 00:41:00,479 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seventy five zero 646 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,760 Speaker 1: seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow 647 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,920 Speaker 1: me on social media for all of the calling times, 648 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces favor. 649 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:20,040 Speaker 1: The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 650 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:25,800 Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 651 00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:30,200 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 652 00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:31,600 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.