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Speaker 1: It is time now for today's Strawberry Letter, and if

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Speaker 1: you need advice and relationships, dating works, sex, parenting, and more,

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Speaker 1: please submit your Strawberry Letter to Steve BARBFM dot com

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Speaker 1: and click submit Strawberry Letter. We could be reading your

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Speaker 1: letter live on the air, just like we're going to

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Speaker 1: read this one right here, right now, and you never know,

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Speaker 1: it could be yours.

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Speaker 2: It could be yours. Buckle up and hold on, tank.

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Speaker 2: We got it for you. Here it is Strawberry Letter.

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Speaker 1: Nephew, Thank you. Subject He's so good yet so bad.

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Speaker 1: Dear Stephen Shirley. I'm in my mid thirties and I've

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Speaker 1: been with my man for five years, married for two years.

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Speaker 1: I love my man greatly and he treats me like

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Speaker 1: a queen and has accepted my child as his own.

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Speaker 1: The only issue I have is that he does not

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Speaker 1: listen when we have disagreements. It's mostly because of the

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Speaker 1: way he says things to me. I have to bring

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Speaker 1: it to his attention and tell him how it makes

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Speaker 1: me feel. He usually says, well, you did this or

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Speaker 1: that to make me say things like that to you.

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Speaker 1: This that's not the way to communicate to anyone, and

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Speaker 1: he doesn't get it. To keep the peace, I have

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Speaker 1: to shift into I'm sorry mode and focus on his

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Speaker 1: feelings because I don't want to crush his ego. If

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Speaker 1: I ever do anything to offend him, I quickly apologize,

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Speaker 1: but he won't do the same for me. I tell

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Speaker 1: him all the time if I don't have a safe

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Speaker 1: space to express my feelings, then I shut down, and

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Speaker 1: he doesn't seem to understand that or want to understand it.

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Speaker 1: He told me that most men don't understand how women think,

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Speaker 1: and he's no exception. I don't care about most men.

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Speaker 1: I need for him to listen when I tell him

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Speaker 1: about my feelings and to acknowledge that he hurts my feelings,

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Speaker 1: then correct the behavior and stop doing it. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm slowly shutting down emotionally because I always try

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Speaker 1: to take care of his feelings and he doesn't care

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Speaker 1: how I feel. He tells me to get over it

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Speaker 1: because I'm always complaining about little stuff. It's like I'm

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Speaker 1: one of his homie and I'm not supposed to get

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Speaker 1: hurt by him snapping at me or yelling at me

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Speaker 1: for small things I do. I think if he's irritated,

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Speaker 1: we should talk it through. How can he be so

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Speaker 1: good and so bad at the same time. Am I

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Speaker 1: fighting a losing battle here? Well, I say this, I'll

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Speaker 1: say this. I'll put it like that. What you are

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Speaker 1: fighting is a battle of wanting this man to change

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Speaker 1: and trying to get him to change it. He's not

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Speaker 1: going to do it because he doesn't want to change.

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Speaker 1: This is who he is. He's a stubborn man. He

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Speaker 1: has old school values about women. He has a mean streak.

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Speaker 1: If he's talking to you crazy and he thinks he's

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Speaker 1: doing the right thing, you are doing nothing wrong. It's

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Speaker 1: perfectly natural to want to be heard by your husband

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Speaker 1: seen by your husband, but you always give in. You

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Speaker 1: say you don't want to crush his ego, but you've

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Speaker 1: got to figure out how to get what you want

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Speaker 1: out of this man. I think he's always been like this,

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Speaker 1: and you thought you could change him, like most women

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Speaker 1: think they can change their men. It was one of

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Speaker 1: those red flags that you ignored because he took in

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Speaker 1: you and your child, and you say he treats you

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Speaker 1: like a queen, although I don't see how you can

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Speaker 1: say that when you wrote this letter. But you still

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Speaker 1: got to stand up for yourself and use your voice.

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Speaker 1: You're not making him do anything like he says. He

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Speaker 1: talks to you that way because that's who he is.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't hear you because he's not trying to hear you.

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Speaker 1: You can't go on like this. You don't really tell

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Speaker 1: us what your disagreements and arguments are about. So it's

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Speaker 1: really hard to offer any type of solution other than

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Speaker 1: marriage counseling to learn how to better communicate with each other.

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Speaker 3: Steve, I know exactly what's going on here. I'm not

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Speaker 3: even just no brainer for me. I know exactly what's

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Speaker 3: going on. He's so good yet so bad. She's in

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Speaker 3: a mid thirties, she been with her husband five years,

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Speaker 3: married for two treats are like a queen.

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Speaker 2: He's accepted her child as his own.

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Speaker 3: That means he's a good dad, a good father, good husband,

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Speaker 3: a good provider. That's what that means, and that's how

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Speaker 3: you make a woman feel like a queen. The problem

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Speaker 3: is he doesn't know how to communicate. Listen to me,

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Speaker 3: This man communicates this way to you because he has

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Speaker 3: been allowed to. He's done it before. He's always done

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Speaker 3: it this way, and before you somebody didn't tolerate it.

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Speaker 3: That's why they broke up because you ain't the first

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Speaker 3: and now you're trying to tolerate this person who doesn't

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Speaker 3: have communication skills, and I'm just gonna tell it to

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Speaker 3: you like this. He usually says, well, if you do

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Speaker 3: this or that to make me say things to you

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Speaker 3: like that, Ah, okay, that's always the case.

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Speaker 2: And then he told you he said.

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Speaker 3: Most men don't understand how women think, and he's no exception.

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Speaker 3: That's the truest statement in this letter. Most men do

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Speaker 3: not know how women think.

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Speaker 2: That's a fact. That's an impossible thing to figure out.

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Speaker 3: The man who could write a book this is how

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Speaker 3: women think would be a billionaire. But you can't write

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Speaker 3: this book because you don't know how they think. And

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Speaker 3: you can think. You know, if you want to, they'll

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Speaker 3: change it. I promise you they will change it. So

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Speaker 3: this excuse that he gave you is it. It's the

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Speaker 3: ongoing thing for all men. Here is your problem, and

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Speaker 3: we'll get into it when we come back. The reason

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Speaker 3: this man talks to you this way over and over

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Speaker 3: and does has no disregard for your feelings at all,

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Speaker 3: is because he has been allowed to and he suffers

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Speaker 3: no consequences.

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Speaker 2: You always say I'm sorry.

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Speaker 3: If you say, he gets irritated, so he has suffered

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Speaker 3: no consequences, so therefore the behavior continues. That's it in

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Speaker 3: a nutshell. I have solved it. When we come back,

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Speaker 3: we'll go over some consequences.

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Speaker 1: All right, Hang on, Steve, I will have part two

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Speaker 1: of your response coming up at twenty three minutes to

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Speaker 1: after the hour. Today's Strawberry letter subject He's so good

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Speaker 1: yet so bad. We'll get back into it right after this.

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Speaker 2: Hi, this is Feliciava shot and you're listening to the

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Speaker 2: Steve Harvey Morning Shows.

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Speaker 1: You're listening Steve Harvey Morning Show. Hi, this is Shirley's

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Speaker 1: Strawberry and I'm partner with the leave. Let me tell

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Speaker 1: you it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm

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Speaker 1: owe some furniture around last weekend in my new place.

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Speaker 1: It turns out that was a really bad idea because

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Speaker 1: all that bending and lifting and pretending I'm still twenty

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Speaker 1: five didn't agree with my knees. So I grabbed a

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Speaker 1: leaf because when my body pain shows up, I need

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Speaker 1: something that lasts. With just one pill, A leave lasts

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Speaker 1: up to twelve hours. Don't let those aches and pain

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Speaker 1: hold you back from doing what's important to you, use

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Speaker 1: as directed. All right, come on, Steve, let's recap today's

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Speaker 1: strawberry letter. The subject is He's so good yet so bad?

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Speaker 3: All right, Now, I could recap this letter and take

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Speaker 3: a bunch of time, but let me just get to

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Speaker 3: the main part of this.

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Speaker 2: Ladies.

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Speaker 3: If you're in a relationship with a man who repeatedly

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Speaker 3: does something to you that irritates you, and he's not

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Speaker 3: fixing it, and he does it over and over and over,

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Speaker 3: and in order for you to keep the peace, you

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Speaker 3: usually have to apologize to him to keep it moving.

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Speaker 3: And you don't feel as though you have a safe

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Speaker 3: space to go to in your relationship to discuss your

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Speaker 3: feelings because when you bring up your feelings, he then

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Speaker 3: turns around and tells you, well, you did this or

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Speaker 3: that which made me do this, that's your man. And

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Speaker 3: then he turns around and tells you that most men

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Speaker 3: don't understand how women think, and he's no exception. All right,

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Speaker 3: that's the letter in a nutshell. Now, ladies, let me

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Speaker 3: give you the cure for this. Your man performs and

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Speaker 3: acts out bad behavior over and over and over because

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Speaker 3: there is no.

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Speaker 2: Consequence to his actions. Period.

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Speaker 3: I have said this on this show before. Men respond

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Speaker 3: to a few things. Pain, reward, and consequence. Thus are

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Speaker 3: the only things we respond to. Because we are men,

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Speaker 3: we are simple. We respond to pain, we respond to reward,

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Speaker 3: and we respond to consequences. If there is no pain,

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Speaker 3: no reward, no consequences, We're gonna do like we want to.

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Speaker 2: And that's every man walking, living and breathing. This is facts.

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Speaker 2: This ain't no aw Steve, you just said no. I'm

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Speaker 2: telling you the truth.

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Speaker 3: So now in this letter, this man who will not

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Speaker 3: consider your feelings, who snaps at you when he wants to,

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Speaker 3: who says what he wants to say to you, blames

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Speaker 3: you for everything. The reason I said this to you

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Speaker 3: is because you said this or you did that, and

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Speaker 3: never apologize to you and constantly does this to you.

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Speaker 3: It's because he suffers no pain, he gets no reward,

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Speaker 3: or there are no consequences. So now he is the fix.

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Speaker 3: And I'm telling you, ladies, and you and you can

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Speaker 3: sit there if you want to until you issue consequences.

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Speaker 3: It will continue. Let me give you an example. Let's

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Speaker 3: say every time your man snaps at you in public,

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Speaker 3: you walk away and just and just walk off in public.

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Speaker 3: Just what leave him standing there in front of whoever

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Speaker 3: he snapped in front of?

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Speaker 2: That's it.

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Speaker 3: You maybe even go get in the car maybe, or

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Speaker 3: just go over there and start talking to somebody else

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Speaker 3: at through in the room or something like that. That consequence. Hey,

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Speaker 3: what happened to you? We were standing there talking? No no, no,

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Speaker 3: no no. I have asked you repeatedly not to go

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Speaker 3: off in front of me in front of nobody else.

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Speaker 3: That's one way or and I don't recommend this, but

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Speaker 3: I've seen this work really efficiently. He snaps, he goes

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Speaker 3: off on you in front of somebody else. You know what?

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Speaker 2: I heard the woman say, who you think you're talking to?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: That one right there? That work. Now.

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Speaker 3: A lot of women won't do that because they don't

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Speaker 3: want to embarrass their husband in front of nobody.

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Speaker 2: But if it continues, who do you think you talking to?

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Speaker 3: Is a question directly directed to him that creates a

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Speaker 3: moment of pause. And I promise you the next time

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Speaker 3: he will think about it. Here's another one. On the

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Speaker 3: way home, ain't nobody talking? The quiet car ride is

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Speaker 3: a painful experience. That work.

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Speaker 2: All you hear is breathing in the car kind of.

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Speaker 3: Breath in the car, suddenly saying he reach over and

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Speaker 3: touch it with his finger on your hand, snatch your

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Speaker 3: hand right quick, gott don't you know so long when

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Speaker 3: you go home? Slamming doors, ooh, slamming doors, dose, slaming covered, slamming.

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Speaker 2: Tarlet seat, slamming all that we hit it. We just

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Speaker 2: came in and cut sports and on.

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Speaker 3: We're trying to forget about all of a sudden doors

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Speaker 3: is slamming.

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Speaker 1: We hear.

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Speaker 3: Dishes clanging extra loud, no good, and well, you don't

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Speaker 3: make that much noise. These are called consequences, which creates pain.

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Speaker 3: What gets a result. So, ladies, if you are not

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Speaker 3: going to issue one of three things, pain, reward, or consequence,

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Speaker 3: your man will continue to do.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 3: Reward is very big. Now, when your man does something,

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Speaker 3: it positive. Reinforcement works, baby, Thank you so much. I

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Speaker 3: know how hard you're working for this family. Thank you

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Speaker 3: so much. Most men will leave this world and die

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Speaker 3: from lack of appreciation. I have said that, but I

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Speaker 3: don't think people understand it. Being a man is hard.

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Speaker 3: I'm not saying being a woman eight I'm not. That's

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Speaker 3: not what I'm saying. But reward is important too, but

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Speaker 3: if so, if you're gonna issue pain and consequences, you're

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Speaker 3: gonna have to balance it with some reward, all right,

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Speaker 3: all right, see how Monica made that face over there.

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Speaker 2: See that's why I should see that that I ain't

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Speaker 2: giving over reward.

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Speaker 1: Post your comments then Today's Strawberry Letter at Steve Harvey

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Speaker 1: FM on Instagram and Facebook. Check out the Strawberry Letter

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Speaker 1: the Steve Harvey Morning Show