WEBVTT - 6 Reasons We Fall Out of Love & 6 Changes We Can Make to Keep It Flourishing 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.080 There is always something new to learn about something old, 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:06.920 whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building. 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:09.800 Everything in the world has more history than we can 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:12.040 even father more imagine, and so I would like you 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:14.239 to think about the person you're within. That way, they'll 0:00:14.320 --> 0:00:18.599 recognize that they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:27.560 you should always try and discover something new about them. Hey, everyone, 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:31.000 welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:33.640 in the world. Thanks to each and every single one 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:36.880 of you that come back every week to listen, learn, 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:39.760 and grow. Now I want to say a huge, huge 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:44.240 thank you to you because thanks to you, on Purpose 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:49.400 was in the top ten podcasts in the United States 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:53.160 this week, which is unbelievable. It blows my mind because 0:00:53.200 --> 0:00:57.120 all the other podcasts are true crime or the news 0:00:57.720 --> 0:01:02.120 or daily podcasts that have news elements to them, and 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:05.480 for us to be top ten in the US is 0:01:05.520 --> 0:01:09.160 just incredible. So thank you so much to everyone who's 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:12.119 left a review. Thank you so much to everyone who's 0:01:12.160 --> 0:01:17.039 posting on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, and 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:19.080 thank you to each and every single one of you 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:23.400 that's recommending this to your friends, that's bringing your community 0:01:23.920 --> 0:01:28.600 into my world. I'm so deeply appreciative of all the love, 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:33.319 of all the amazing energy that you send towards me, 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:36.080 and I hope that in these episodes you see every 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.200 single week, I'm trying to share my best energy towards you. 0:01:39.760 --> 0:01:42.600 I am so excited to share this episode with you 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:47.400 because I think it's so important. Whether you're single, whether 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:50.560 you're in a relationship, whether you're married, whether you just 0:01:50.600 --> 0:01:55.680 broke up, whether you're divorced, whatever your relationship status. I 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:59.440 want you to know that this episode's super important because 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:03.480 this is something that we're all scared of. It's something 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.960 that happens more often than we think, and I don't 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:11.400 think there's enough conversations around it. There's not enough discussion 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:16.280 around this topic. And so today we're talking about the 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:22.440 six reasons we fall out of love and six changes 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:26.240 we can make to keep it growing. Right, today we're 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:28.800 talking about the six reasons we fall out of love 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:33.679 and the six changes to keep it growing. No one 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:38.200 falls in love hoping to fall out of love. But 0:02:38.440 --> 0:02:41.400 I'm sure many of you have even experienced this. And 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:45.800 I had a friend recently who experienced this where she 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:48.639 came and told me, he told me he doesn't love 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:53.240 me anymore, he said, he's fallen out of love with me. Now, 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:57.639 whether you've heard those painful words yourself, or whether you've 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:01.760 heard a friend go through this, it is never a 0:03:01.800 --> 0:03:04.880 great place to be. It is never going to feel 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:09.080 right because we don't fall into love wanting to fall 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:12.800 out of love. So why do we fall out of love? Well, 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:16.160 to answer that question, I want to start by looking 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:21.000 at the definition of what it means to fall in love. Now, 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:25.720 falling is something involuntary. It's usually outside of our control, 0:03:26.639 --> 0:03:30.440 and to me, that doesn't sound like a good way 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:33.280 to be in love. We want to be in love. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:37.640 As shri Shi Ravishanka, a teacher from India, has said before, 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:42.720 we don't fall in love, we rise in love. Right. 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:46.880 So what I find really really interesting about that is 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:49.920 that even the idea of falling in love and falling 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:55.360 out of love, falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously. 0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:59.040 But guess what so does falling out of love. Falling 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:02.880 out of love happens unconsciously as well. And so if 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:06.680 we fall in love unconsciously, we will fall out of 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:11.400 love unconsciously. But if we can rise in love consciously, 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:17.120 then we can continue to grow in love constantly. Notice 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:24.360 how we carry our unconscious unawareness through every stage of life, 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:28.479 and that it doesn't just disappear or change or benefit 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:31.680 us in any way. When you look at the studies 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:35.560 and the research, fifty eight percent of participants say that 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:40.400 breakups are dramatic or messy. That's a large portion, and 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:42.279 I know we've all been there. We've all been in 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:46.800 those dramatic or messy breakups. Now, sixty four percent of 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:51.200 participants have gone through a breakup of a long term relationship. 0:04:51.800 --> 0:04:54.920 This is where it gets really interesting. Sixty five percent 0:04:54.960 --> 0:04:59.560 of people say communication issues are the reason for a 0:04:59.600 --> 0:05:02.159 break and we're going to talk about some of those 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:06.960 key issues today. Sixty seven percent of people say that 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:12.320 disagreements between typical couples never get resolved, but they don't 0:05:12.360 --> 0:05:17.080 need to. Not every argument needs a resolution. But actually 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:21.000 what leads to a breakup is that the other thirty 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:24.920 three percent of issues are not addressed. And then thirty 0:05:24.960 --> 0:05:29.680 eight percent of relationships end because of infidelity. So notice 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:34.719 how we would think that cheating or something of the 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:39.240 sort could be higher, but actually not that it isn't 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:44.040 a significant number. It's still lower than communication issues. It's 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:48.920 lower than disagreements, it's lower than addressing important things. Today, 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.919 when we look at the reasons we fall out of 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:54.159 love and the ways to keep it growing, I want 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:58.719 to focus on the subtle in betweens that often get forgotten. 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:04.240 The first one is we stop learning new things about 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:06.960 each other. Let me ask you a question. If you're 0:06:07.000 --> 0:06:09.560 in a relationship, or if you've just got out of one, 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:11.800 or if you've been in one before, answer this question 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:19.000 for yourself. When was the last time you did something 0:06:19.160 --> 0:06:25.520 new together? What was the last new thing you learned 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:30.000 about your partner? Chances are those things don't even come 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:33.880 to mind. More often than not, we're not learning about 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:37.320 our partners anymore. We think we know them, We think 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:42.320 and believe we understand them, and even more unconsciously, we 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:47.560 expect and believe that they know us. We expect and 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:49.919 believe that if we've been together for a certain amount 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:52.479 of time, maybe if we've taken our marriage vows, then 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:56.160 they already get us, They already know us. And this 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:59.880 is one of the biggest reasons why people fall out 0:06:59.880 --> 0:07:04.320 of love. They expect other people know them, and they 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:08.599 expect they know other people. So when you expect and 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:11.280 believe that you already know everything you need to know, 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:13.440 and they know everything they need to know about you. 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:19.000 We stop learning new things about each other. I asked 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:22.280 this to a friend recently that I was speaking to. 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:25.840 I said, when was the last time you learned something 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:28.280 new about your partner or did something new with your partner? 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:31.520 And they said it was a couple of years ago 0:07:31.520 --> 0:07:35.320 when they're on vacation. I'm thinking, Wow, you've been together 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:38.480 for a significant amount of time, but the last time 0:07:38.560 --> 0:07:41.720 you felt you were growing together, learning together, developing together 0:07:42.120 --> 0:07:45.480 was over two years ago. We should be trying to 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:52.640 do something new together every quarter, right, every quarter every 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:56.760 three months, we can find the time to have a 0:07:56.760 --> 0:08:01.040 new experience together, a new event and experience, and you 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:05.840 experiment a new education, a new piece of entertainment. To 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:10.760 share an experience together deepens your relationship. I just got 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:14.160 back from a wonderful few days in New York where 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.040 a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine, 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:19.040 was getting married, and a lot of my friends had 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:21.280 flown in from London, friends that I hadn't really hung 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.080 out within quite a while because of the pandemic, and 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:26.200 we had a whole weekend in New York And while 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:29.640 we don't have romantic relationships, this was friends. We made 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:33.360 so many memories in four days. In four days, we 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:37.240 made so many new memories in New York City, where 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:42.239 we've deepened our bond, continued, our friendship, added new stories, 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:46.080 and we've learned new things about each other. See, the 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:48.520 thing is that at the start of a relationship, everything 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:52.080 is new, right, everything's new. You go to a restaurant, 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:54.280 it's a new experience with them. You go to an 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:57.800 art gallery, you go to a city. Right, you may 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:00.360 go to Paris, you may go to Rome, you go 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:02.480 to another place with them. You travel a lot more 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:06.000 with them, so you're constantly having new experiences, and the 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:13.439 newness of the environment creates a freshness in the exchange. Right, 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:18.880 the newness of the external environment creates a freshness in 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:22.640 the exchange that you share. But as we spend more 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:25.120 time together, we live in the same home, we have 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:29.000 the same routine, we do the same things, and we 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:31.640 hang out with the same people in the same places. 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:35.240 So now there is no more newness in the environment. 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:41.360 So the freshness of the relationships exchanges diminishes. But we 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:44.480 can change that very simply we can adapt that very 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:49.040 easily by doing new things together, learning new things about 0:09:49.080 --> 0:09:51.320 each other. So I want you to think about that 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:55.000 as you start planning out the next quarter, or as 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:58.480 you move into your next relationship. See how you can 0:09:58.559 --> 0:10:02.480 add newness from the outside so that you can learn 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:07.040 more new about the person. There is always something new 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:11.760 to learn about something old, whether it's a work of art, 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:16.160 whether it's a building, whether it's a word. Everything in 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:18.960 the world has more history than we can even father 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:22.280 or imagine. And so I would like you to think 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:25.679 about the person you're within. That way, they'll recognize that 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:31.319 they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that you should 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:33.400 always try and discover something new about them. And that 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:35.720 way you'll never fall out of love with them. You 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:38.280 may choose that you don't like what you learn, but 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:41.720 you won't unconsciously fall out of love with them. Number 0:10:41.720 --> 0:10:51.360 two is we stop talking about vulnerable, intimate important meaningful topics. 0:10:52.040 --> 0:10:56.800 What's really interesting about this is that when they surveyed couples, 0:10:57.559 --> 0:11:01.520 the happiest couples only spent about ten percent of their 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:07.160 communication on small talk and daily tasks, but the unhappiest 0:11:07.160 --> 0:11:10.720 twenty eight point three percent. Of their time was spent 0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:16.120 on shallow things. So you notice how there isn't conclusive 0:11:16.160 --> 0:11:18.400 evidence on this yet, but it's moving in that direction 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:23.200 that the less we're talking about things that are important, powerful, 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:27.320 deeply meaningful to us, it's hard to build a long 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:31.920 lasting relationship of a functional conversations when everything becomes too 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:36.120 functional logistical. I mean even those words they strip away 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:38.960 the spirit of connection. And it's natural that as we 0:11:39.000 --> 0:11:41.080 spend more time together, we end up talking about, well, 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:43.520 what needs to happen around the apartment, or one needs 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.760 to happen around the house, or you know, who's picking 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:49.640 up the kids, or who's planning this out, and everything 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:55.960 becomes logical functional. It becomes like event management as opposed 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:59.840 to being a relationship. And that's needed. Right. Those conversations 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:06.280 are integral, but they are a baseline for the deeper, 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:12.240 meaningful conversations that need to happen. What's really uncomfortable about 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:16.440 that is that we have to make time to ask 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:22.600 those beautiful questions, right, We have to make time to 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:30.040 give our partner the ability to have meaningful conversations with us. 0:12:30.160 --> 0:12:33.600 So one of the questions, and I was thinking about 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:36.200 questions that have often encouraged couples to ask each other. 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:41.440 And you know, questions can be anything about embarrassing moments, 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:46.240 their childhood, or the future. So I find that talking 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:51.400 about the past, present, and future is what develops intimacy 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:55.479 in a relationship. If you want to develop a connection 0:12:55.559 --> 0:13:00.840 with someone, it is by discussing your past, present, and 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.880 future you think about it. Some relationships in your life 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:07.160 you only talk about the future, some relationships you only 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:09.800 talk about the past, and some relationships you only talk 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.679 about the present. So someone who has a three sixty 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:14.680 degree view of you is someone you can have a 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:17.959 loving relationship with and you can keep growing the love 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:22.000 because they are growing with you and through your journey 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:27.240 with you. So childhood is the past, embarrassing moments, maybe 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:30.440 the present, and it also brings a bit of laughter, 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:33.240 a bit of lightness, and then the future your hopes 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:38.480 and dreams, your aspirations. So some questions that I really 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:44.120 like for childhood is you know, who's someone in your 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:49.040 family that you feel your most yourself around, Right, That's 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.800 a great question, and making time for questions like this 0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:57.320 allows you to learn so much about that person. Another 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:00.680 great question is why do you want to be a parent? 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:03.760 If you want to be a parent, why so? If 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:07.240 you don't, why not? And having an open conversation around that. 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:13.120 One of the best conversations to have about the present 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:16.680 is what's your love language right now? Right What is 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:21.000 something that you deeply appreciate? Or another way it could 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:23.960 be to describe your perfect day? What is it that 0:14:24.000 --> 0:14:27.240 makes a day special? And remember these questions are not 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.160 being asked with the expectation that someone's going to fulfill them. 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:34.440 It's just the act of having that intimacy, that vulnerability 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:38.800 with someone that creates deeper bonds and deeper connections and 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:42.440 deeper relationships. And then the future, what are your hopes 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.960 and aspirations? What are you building, what are you creating? 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:47.800 What are your goals this year? So if we truly 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:52.400 want to not fall out of love, it requires this 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:56.520 consistent growth. And this is what I find fascinating that 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.400 nothing in the world just stays as it is right, 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:02.160 nothing in the wor world just lasts without maintenance. But 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:07.240 we expect love to last without maintenance. We expect love 0:15:07.640 --> 0:15:10.760 to last without nurturing, We expect love to last without 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:16.120 any effort. And it doesn't make sense at all. We've 0:15:16.120 --> 0:15:18.640 been getting so many amazing reviews for The Daily Jay, 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:22.040 my new daily guided meditation series on the car Map. 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:23.960 You might have heard a couple of snippets on the 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:26.160 podcast for a few weeks, so in case you haven't 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:28.080 had the chance to check it out, I just wanted 0:15:28.120 --> 0:15:31.360 to share this review from Caitlin, an elementary school teacher 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:34.080 from New Jersey. He's what she had to say. I 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:36.760 have over nine years of experience in the American public 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:40.960 school education system, including teaching throughout the pandemic. Over the 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:43.840 past two years, I've seen extreme cases of anxiety and 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.000 my students like never before. Many of these children have 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:50.640 never experienced these feelings before, and most are not even 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.440 sure of what they are feeling. My school district has 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:56.800 spent a great deal of time focusing on social emotional 0:15:56.880 --> 0:16:00.280 learning sel through this school year. We try to teach 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:03.280 coping skills and focus on teaching kids how to deal 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:06.119 with their feelings and become the best version of themselves. 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:09.400 As someone who has also been experiencing the many anxieties 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:12.200 of the world today, I have recently downloaded the car 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:14.520 mapp thanks to my mom. My mom and I are 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:16.600 big fans of yours, and once she heard that you 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:19.280 will have seven minutes of Daily Jay each day. She 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:22.880 encouraged me in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and meditation 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:26.560 have quickly become part of my daily routine, so much 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.920 that I've begun incorporating some of them into my sel 0:16:30.040 --> 0:16:33.320 morning meetings with my third graders. 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This one is 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.840 absolutely huge, right, the amount of people that argue, the 0:17:20.840 --> 0:17:24.000 amount of people that have disagreements, the amount of people 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:28.040 that avoid arguments, but having systems to deal with arguments. Now, 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:30.879 I'm going to share with you a system. The first 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:38.239 system is the when, where, what, how? Why system. My 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:43.200 belief is that arguments needs to become more like debates. 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.159 The reason is that in an argument, there is no goal, 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:52.560 there is no intention, and there is no clarity. In 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:58.320 a debate, there's a motion, there's an intention, and there's knowledge. 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:06.639 Arguments are unstructured, they're highly emotional, and they're highly irrational. 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:13.120 Debate it's of focused discussions on a particular idea. So 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:15.840 the first question you have to ask yourself to create 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:18.679 a system for arguments. Every time you start arguing, you 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:20.280 can move to this system and me and rather they 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:22.760 do this fairly often, and I find that I may 0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:25.600 guide us in this direction sometimes, so anyone can guide. 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:28.520 But you have this discussion when you're not arguing. So 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:32.160 you have this discussion when you're not fighting. So you said, okay, look, 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:34.359 next time we fight, this is the system we have 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:37.480 to use to actually have a productive argument, as opposed 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:40.240 to when we start fighting. We have to somehow figure 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:43.680 this out, which is unlikely. The first thing is the 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:48.840 ninety second rule. Knowing that emotions switch after ninety seconds. 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:51.600 In those ninety seconds, you're gonna want to act, You're 0:18:51.600 --> 0:18:54.320 gonna want to be angry, you're gonna want to release yourself. 0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:56.520 But if you can wait ninety seconds, if you can 0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:58.600 hold back for ninety seconds, it will change the tone 0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:01.400 of an argument. The first thing is what are we 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:04.800 arguing about? Let's be really clear on what are we 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:09.040 actually arguing about? Now, if you're starting an argument, if 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.200 you've got an issue with something, what are you actually 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:14.359 arguing about? And if someone else is arguing with you? 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:18.320 Calming the situation down and asking the question, what are 0:19:18.320 --> 0:19:21.320 we actually arguing about, let's really look at that. What 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:24.679 is your genuine issue with this? Let me understand the 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:27.080 root of it, Let's really break it down. It's not 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:30.400 a challenging question. It's not a condescending question. It's a 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:33.200 clarifying question. So you're not asking them what are you 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:35.800 arguing about? What's wrong with you? What's your issue? You're saying, 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:39.480 I want to understand clearly what it is that I've 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:42.520 done to upset you and what it is that I've 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:45.840 done to make you feel this way, right, I want 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:50.520 to understand that. That's the first step. The second step 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:53.639 after you figured out the what, and so it's like, 0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:56.119 what are we arguing about? Because half the time we 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.440 don't even know what we're arguing about, or we're arguing 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:00.119 about a side thing and then we go, well, well, 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:02.000 well it's not that, it's really this, and then we 0:20:02.040 --> 0:20:06.800 switch topic. Right, So let's really spend some time cooling 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:09.840 down and figure out what are we arguing about. Before 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:11.760 we do that, we have to figure out when and 0:20:11.920 --> 0:20:15.760 where we're going to argue. Here's the thing about debates. 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:19.800 They're set with the time and a place your arguments needed, 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:25.119 time and a place. Ideally, where is in a neutral place? 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:28.360 You want to argue, in a place that feels comfortable 0:20:28.440 --> 0:20:30.720 for both of you. You're not arguing in front of 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:34.280 the kids, you're not arguing while the TV's on. You've 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.600 made a commitment to do it in a proper time 0:20:36.600 --> 0:20:40.200 and place. And the place also means it could be 0:20:40.480 --> 0:20:43.400 somewhere neutral. It could be in a park, could be 0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:46.399 you know, in your garden. It could be somewhere that 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:50.240 feels more open. And when not when they just got 0:20:50.240 --> 0:20:52.600 back from work, not first thing in the morning, while 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:55.480 someone's rushing to get their breakfast, not before a big 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:59.639 meeting or presentation. Often we do that unconsciously and the 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:03.879 other us and gets unhinged. A healthy system for an 0:21:03.960 --> 0:21:07.440 argument is first figuring out when and where you're going 0:21:07.480 --> 0:21:10.480 to choose to bring this up, and what you're choosing 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:13.960 to bring up. Now, how is you're sitting next to 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.720 each other, You're not sitting opposing each other. There's a 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:21.280 beautiful quote by Antoine Descent Exuperre that says love does 0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:25.520 not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking 0:21:25.600 --> 0:21:29.440 outward together in the same direction. When we're looking at 0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:32.320 each other, we may look past each other, we may 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:35.960 look against each other, we may have ideas that cross 0:21:36.040 --> 0:21:38.800 or conflict, But when we're looking in the same direction, 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:40.280 when we're sitting next to each other, when we're on 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:45.000 a walk together, we're already subconsciously moving in the same 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.720 direction together. Arguing or debating while having a walk as 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:54.600 we move can be healthy. So that's the when, where, how, 0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:57.480 and then the why why am I really bringing this up? 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:02.240 Explain why you're bringing it up. Don't just argue about 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:05.480 what you're arguing about. Explain why it affects you. And also, 0:22:05.520 --> 0:22:08.240 when you prepare to share this, that's the thing about debates. 0:22:08.280 --> 0:22:12.680 You prepare for debates when you share this, the most 0:22:12.720 --> 0:22:17.919 amazing thing is that they understand because People may not 0:22:18.040 --> 0:22:20.760 understand what your issue is, but they're more likely to 0:22:20.840 --> 0:22:23.480 understand why you have it. You may have an issue 0:22:23.520 --> 0:22:25.440 with someone not doing the dishes and they won't get 0:22:25.440 --> 0:22:27.760 it because they don't have the same why for it. 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:30.960 But if you tell them why, they can understand yours 0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:35.280 a little bit deeper. Please communicate with why. So, how 0:22:35.320 --> 0:22:38.720 you set a system for an argument is before an 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:40.959 argument outside you say, look, this is the system we're 0:22:41.000 --> 0:22:43.520 going to follow. We're going to figure out when and where, 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:45.680 we're going to figure out what we're arguing about. We're 0:22:45.680 --> 0:22:47.280 going to know how we're arguing it about it, and 0:22:47.280 --> 0:22:49.320 we're going to share why we're arguing about it. And 0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:52.200 it's going to be more like a debate than an argument, 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:55.680 because we don't want to approach it from the perspective 0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:59.680 of just shouting at each other. Now, the fourth reason 0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:03.000 we fall out of love is that the John Gottman 0:23:03.040 --> 0:23:07.919 Institute says that only nine percent of the time our 0:23:07.960 --> 0:23:12.720 couples emotionally available nine percent, which means there's ninety one 0:23:12.800 --> 0:23:17.160 percent of the time that couples are not emotionally available. 0:23:17.640 --> 0:23:21.399 It's incredible right to just not be there, to just 0:23:21.480 --> 0:23:26.000 not be present carve out time every week, once a 0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:31.119 week to have emotionally available time EA time, and that 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.199 could be on a Sunday for an hour each but 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:36.960 to really carve out that time, to not think that 0:23:37.000 --> 0:23:39.840 watching a movie together or going to dinner together is 0:23:39.880 --> 0:23:44.920 emotional availability. That's physical availability. But what people are really 0:23:44.920 --> 0:23:48.359 seeking is emotional availability, and you really want to focus 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:53.720 on that. Number five is no division of chores and responsibilities. 0:23:53.760 --> 0:23:58.479 People get so frustrated that they default to taking care 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:02.400 of everything that they by default have to do everything right. 0:24:02.440 --> 0:24:05.080 So you want to figure out early on who's doing 0:24:05.080 --> 0:24:08.399 the cooking, who's doing the cleaning, what's the schedule. We 0:24:08.480 --> 0:24:10.760 have to almost treat it in that way because it's 0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:13.359 so easy for things to just fall on one person. 0:24:13.680 --> 0:24:15.880 Before you take on a new task, like let's say 0:24:15.880 --> 0:24:19.159 you're renovating. Okay, before we take on renovating, who's going 0:24:19.200 --> 0:24:20.879 to take on the renovation, who's going to take on 0:24:20.920 --> 0:24:24.040 the decision making? We have to start operating somewhat like 0:24:24.080 --> 0:24:27.560 a business in those areas of our lives to avoid 0:24:27.640 --> 0:24:30.040 lack of communication. Okay, if we want to plan a vacation, 0:24:30.240 --> 0:24:32.280 who's going to plan it, who's going to book it? 0:24:32.359 --> 0:24:35.480 Let's let's plan that out before we get excited about 0:24:35.520 --> 0:24:40.160 doing these things. A number six is not addressing important 0:24:40.200 --> 0:24:42.720 issues for your partner. This is huge. If you're want 0:24:42.720 --> 0:24:45.120 of those people that knows your partner wants to get 0:24:45.160 --> 0:24:46.919 married but you don't want to and you don't want 0:24:46.960 --> 0:24:49.040 to talk about it, or you know your partner one's 0:24:49.080 --> 0:24:50.520