Speaker 1: There is always something new to learn about something old,
Speaker 1: whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building.
Speaker 1: Everything in the world has more history than we can
Speaker 1: even father more imagine, and so I would like you
Speaker 1: to think about the person you're within. That way, they'll
Speaker 1: recognize that they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that
Speaker 1: you should always try and discover something new about them. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every single one
Speaker 1: of you that come back every week to listen, learn,
Speaker 1: and grow. Now I want to say a huge, huge
Speaker 1: thank you to you because thanks to you, on Purpose
Speaker 1: was in the top ten podcasts in the United States
Speaker 1: this week, which is unbelievable. It blows my mind because
Speaker 1: all the other podcasts are true crime or the news
Speaker 1: or daily podcasts that have news elements to them, and
Speaker 1: for us to be top ten in the US is
Speaker 1: just incredible. So thank you so much to everyone who's
Speaker 1: left a review. Thank you so much to everyone who's
Speaker 1: posting on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, and
Speaker 1: thank you to each and every single one of you
Speaker 1: that's recommending this to your friends, that's bringing your community
Speaker 1: into my world. I'm so deeply appreciative of all the love,
Speaker 1: of all the amazing energy that you send towards me,
Speaker 1: and I hope that in these episodes you see every
Speaker 1: single week, I'm trying to share my best energy towards you.
Speaker 1: I am so excited to share this episode with you
Speaker 1: because I think it's so important. Whether you're single, whether
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, whether you're married, whether you just
Speaker 1: broke up, whether you're divorced, whatever your relationship status. I
Speaker 1: want you to know that this episode's super important because
Speaker 1: this is something that we're all scared of. It's something
Speaker 1: that happens more often than we think, and I don't
Speaker 1: think there's enough conversations around it. There's not enough discussion
Speaker 1: around this topic. And so today we're talking about the
Speaker 1: six reasons we fall out of love and six changes
Speaker 1: we can make to keep it growing. Right, today we're
Speaker 1: talking about the six reasons we fall out of love
Speaker 1: and the six changes to keep it growing. No one
Speaker 1: falls in love hoping to fall out of love. But
Speaker 1: I'm sure many of you have even experienced this. And
Speaker 1: I had a friend recently who experienced this where she
Speaker 1: came and told me, he told me he doesn't love
Speaker 1: me anymore, he said, he's fallen out of love with me. Now,
Speaker 1: whether you've heard those painful words yourself, or whether you've
Speaker 1: heard a friend go through this, it is never a
Speaker 1: great place to be. It is never going to feel
Speaker 1: right because we don't fall into love wanting to fall
Speaker 1: out of love. So why do we fall out of love? Well,
Speaker 1: to answer that question, I want to start by looking
Speaker 1: at the definition of what it means to fall in love. Now,
Speaker 1: falling is something involuntary. It's usually outside of our control,
Speaker 1: and to me, that doesn't sound like a good way
Speaker 1: to be in love. We want to be in love.
Speaker 1: As shri Shi Ravishanka, a teacher from India, has said before,
Speaker 1: we don't fall in love, we rise in love. Right.
Speaker 1: So what I find really really interesting about that is
Speaker 1: that even the idea of falling in love and falling
Speaker 1: out of love, falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously.
Speaker 1: But guess what so does falling out of love. Falling
Speaker 1: out of love happens unconsciously as well. And so if
Speaker 1: we fall in love unconsciously, we will fall out of
Speaker 1: love unconsciously. But if we can rise in love consciously,
Speaker 1: then we can continue to grow in love constantly. Notice
Speaker 1: how we carry our unconscious unawareness through every stage of life,
Speaker 1: and that it doesn't just disappear or change or benefit
Speaker 1: us in any way. When you look at the studies
Speaker 1: and the research, fifty eight percent of participants say that
Speaker 1: breakups are dramatic or messy. That's a large portion, and
Speaker 1: I know we've all been there. We've all been in
Speaker 1: those dramatic or messy breakups. Now, sixty four percent of
Speaker 1: participants have gone through a breakup of a long term relationship.
Speaker 1: This is where it gets really interesting. Sixty five percent
Speaker 1: of people say communication issues are the reason for a
Speaker 1: break and we're going to talk about some of those
Speaker 1: key issues today. Sixty seven percent of people say that
Speaker 1: disagreements between typical couples never get resolved, but they don't
Speaker 1: need to. Not every argument needs a resolution. But actually
Speaker 1: what leads to a breakup is that the other thirty
Speaker 1: three percent of issues are not addressed. And then thirty
Speaker 1: eight percent of relationships end because of infidelity. So notice
Speaker 1: how we would think that cheating or something of the
Speaker 1: sort could be higher, but actually not that it isn't
Speaker 1: a significant number. It's still lower than communication issues. It's
Speaker 1: lower than disagreements, it's lower than addressing important things. Today,
Speaker 1: when we look at the reasons we fall out of
Speaker 1: love and the ways to keep it growing, I want
Speaker 1: to focus on the subtle in betweens that often get forgotten.
Speaker 1: The first one is we stop learning new things about
Speaker 1: each other. Let me ask you a question. If you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship, or if you've just got out of one,
Speaker 1: or if you've been in one before, answer this question
Speaker 1: for yourself. When was the last time you did something
Speaker 1: new together? What was the last new thing you learned
Speaker 1: about your partner? Chances are those things don't even come
Speaker 1: to mind. More often than not, we're not learning about
Speaker 1: our partners anymore. We think we know them, We think
Speaker 1: and believe we understand them, and even more unconsciously, we
Speaker 1: expect and believe that they know us. We expect and
Speaker 1: believe that if we've been together for a certain amount
Speaker 1: of time, maybe if we've taken our marriage vows, then
Speaker 1: they already get us, They already know us. And this
Speaker 1: is one of the biggest reasons why people fall out
Speaker 1: of love. They expect other people know them, and they
Speaker 1: expect they know other people. So when you expect and
Speaker 1: believe that you already know everything you need to know,
Speaker 1: and they know everything they need to know about you.
Speaker 1: We stop learning new things about each other. I asked
Speaker 1: this to a friend recently that I was speaking to.
Speaker 1: I said, when was the last time you learned something
Speaker 1: new about your partner or did something new with your partner?
Speaker 1: And they said it was a couple of years ago
Speaker 1: when they're on vacation. I'm thinking, Wow, you've been together
Speaker 1: for a significant amount of time, but the last time
Speaker 1: you felt you were growing together, learning together, developing together
Speaker 1: was over two years ago. We should be trying to
Speaker 1: do something new together every quarter, right, every quarter every
Speaker 1: three months, we can find the time to have a
Speaker 1: new experience together, a new event and experience, and you
Speaker 1: experiment a new education, a new piece of entertainment. To
Speaker 1: share an experience together deepens your relationship. I just got
Speaker 1: back from a wonderful few days in New York where
Speaker 1: a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine,
Speaker 1: was getting married, and a lot of my friends had
Speaker 1: flown in from London, friends that I hadn't really hung
Speaker 1: out within quite a while because of the pandemic, and
Speaker 1: we had a whole weekend in New York And while
Speaker 1: we don't have romantic relationships, this was friends. We made
Speaker 1: so many memories in four days. In four days, we
Speaker 1: made so many new memories in New York City, where
Speaker 1: we've deepened our bond, continued, our friendship, added new stories,
Speaker 1: and we've learned new things about each other. See, the
Speaker 1: thing is that at the start of a relationship, everything
Speaker 1: is new, right, everything's new. You go to a restaurant,
Speaker 1: it's a new experience with them. You go to an
Speaker 1: art gallery, you go to a city. Right, you may
Speaker 1: go to Paris, you may go to Rome, you go
Speaker 1: to another place with them. You travel a lot more
Speaker 1: with them, so you're constantly having new experiences, and the
Speaker 1: newness of the environment creates a freshness in the exchange. Right,
Speaker 1: the newness of the external environment creates a freshness in
Speaker 1: the exchange that you share. But as we spend more
Speaker 1: time together, we live in the same home, we have
Speaker 1: the same routine, we do the same things, and we
Speaker 1: hang out with the same people in the same places.
Speaker 1: So now there is no more newness in the environment.
Speaker 1: So the freshness of the relationships exchanges diminishes. But we
Speaker 1: can change that very simply we can adapt that very
Speaker 1: easily by doing new things together, learning new things about
Speaker 1: each other. So I want you to think about that
Speaker 1: as you start planning out the next quarter, or as
Speaker 1: you move into your next relationship. See how you can
Speaker 1: add newness from the outside so that you can learn
Speaker 1: more new about the person. There is always something new
Speaker 1: to learn about something old, whether it's a work of art,
Speaker 1: whether it's a building, whether it's a word. Everything in
Speaker 1: the world has more history than we can even father
Speaker 1: or imagine. And so I would like you to think
Speaker 1: about the person you're within. That way, they'll recognize that
Speaker 1: they're never endingly deep, they're limitless, and that you should
Speaker 1: always try and discover something new about them. And that
Speaker 1: way you'll never fall out of love with them. You
Speaker 1: may choose that you don't like what you learn, but
Speaker 1: you won't unconsciously fall out of love with them. Number
Speaker 1: two is we stop talking about vulnerable, intimate important meaningful topics.
Speaker 1: What's really interesting about this is that when they surveyed couples,
Speaker 1: the happiest couples only spent about ten percent of their
Speaker 1: communication on small talk and daily tasks, but the unhappiest
Speaker 1: twenty eight point three percent. Of their time was spent
Speaker 1: on shallow things. So you notice how there isn't conclusive
Speaker 1: evidence on this yet, but it's moving in that direction
Speaker 1: that the less we're talking about things that are important, powerful,
Speaker 1: deeply meaningful to us, it's hard to build a long
Speaker 1: lasting relationship of a functional conversations when everything becomes too
Speaker 1: functional logistical. I mean even those words they strip away
Speaker 1: the spirit of connection. And it's natural that as we
Speaker 1: spend more time together, we end up talking about, well,
Speaker 1: what needs to happen around the apartment, or one needs
Speaker 1: to happen around the house, or you know, who's picking
Speaker 1: up the kids, or who's planning this out, and everything
Speaker 1: becomes logical functional. It becomes like event management as opposed
Speaker 1: to being a relationship. And that's needed. Right. Those conversations
Speaker 1: are integral, but they are a baseline for the deeper,
Speaker 1: meaningful conversations that need to happen. What's really uncomfortable about
Speaker 1: that is that we have to make time to ask
Speaker 1: those beautiful questions, right, We have to make time to
Speaker 1: give our partner the ability to have meaningful conversations with us.
Speaker 1: So one of the questions, and I was thinking about
Speaker 1: questions that have often encouraged couples to ask each other.
Speaker 1: And you know, questions can be anything about embarrassing moments,
Speaker 1: their childhood, or the future. So I find that talking
Speaker 1: about the past, present, and future is what develops intimacy
Speaker 1: in a relationship. If you want to develop a connection
Speaker 1: with someone, it is by discussing your past, present, and
Speaker 1: future you think about it. Some relationships in your life
Speaker 1: you only talk about the future, some relationships you only
Speaker 1: talk about the past, and some relationships you only talk
Speaker 1: about the present. So someone who has a three sixty
Speaker 1: degree view of you is someone you can have a
Speaker 1: loving relationship with and you can keep growing the love
Speaker 1: because they are growing with you and through your journey
Speaker 1: with you. So childhood is the past, embarrassing moments, maybe
Speaker 1: the present, and it also brings a bit of laughter,
Speaker 1: a bit of lightness, and then the future your hopes
Speaker 1: and dreams, your aspirations. So some questions that I really
Speaker 1: like for childhood is you know, who's someone in your
Speaker 1: family that you feel your most yourself around, Right, That's
Speaker 1: a great question, and making time for questions like this
Speaker 1: allows you to learn so much about that person. Another
Speaker 1: great question is why do you want to be a parent?
Speaker 1: If you want to be a parent, why so? If
Speaker 1: you don't, why not? And having an open conversation around that.
Speaker 1: One of the best conversations to have about the present
Speaker 1: is what's your love language right now? Right What is
Speaker 1: something that you deeply appreciate? Or another way it could
Speaker 1: be to describe your perfect day? What is it that
Speaker 1: makes a day special? And remember these questions are not
Speaker 1: being asked with the expectation that someone's going to fulfill them.
Speaker 1: It's just the act of having that intimacy, that vulnerability
Speaker 1: with someone that creates deeper bonds and deeper connections and
Speaker 1: deeper relationships. And then the future, what are your hopes
Speaker 1: and aspirations? What are you building, what are you creating?
Speaker 1: What are your goals this year? So if we truly
Speaker 1: want to not fall out of love, it requires this
Speaker 1: consistent growth. And this is what I find fascinating that
Speaker 1: nothing in the world just stays as it is right,
Speaker 1: nothing in the wor world just lasts without maintenance. But
Speaker 1: we expect love to last without maintenance. We expect love
Speaker 1: to last without nurturing, We expect love to last without
Speaker 1: any effort. And it doesn't make sense at all. We've
Speaker 1: been getting so many amazing reviews for The Daily Jay,
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Speaker 1: to share this review from Caitlin, an elementary school teacher
Speaker 1: from New Jersey. He's what she had to say. I
Speaker 1: have over nine years of experience in the American public
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Speaker 1: The third reason we fall out of love is we
Speaker 1: don't create systems to deal with arguments. This one is
Speaker 1: absolutely huge, right, the amount of people that argue, the
Speaker 1: amount of people that have disagreements, the amount of people
Speaker 1: that avoid arguments, but having systems to deal with arguments. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm going to share with you a system. The first
Speaker 1: system is the when, where, what, how? Why system. My
Speaker 1: belief is that arguments needs to become more like debates.
Speaker 1: The reason is that in an argument, there is no goal,
Speaker 1: there is no intention, and there is no clarity. In
Speaker 1: a debate, there's a motion, there's an intention, and there's knowledge.
Speaker 1: Arguments are unstructured, they're highly emotional, and they're highly irrational.
Speaker 1: Debate it's of focused discussions on a particular idea. So
Speaker 1: the first question you have to ask yourself to create
Speaker 1: a system for arguments. Every time you start arguing, you
Speaker 1: can move to this system and me and rather they
Speaker 1: do this fairly often, and I find that I may
Speaker 1: guide us in this direction sometimes, so anyone can guide.
Speaker 1: But you have this discussion when you're not arguing. So
Speaker 1: you have this discussion when you're not fighting. So you said, okay, look,
Speaker 1: next time we fight, this is the system we have
Speaker 1: to use to actually have a productive argument, as opposed
Speaker 1: to when we start fighting. We have to somehow figure
Speaker 1: this out, which is unlikely. The first thing is the
Speaker 1: ninety second rule. Knowing that emotions switch after ninety seconds.
Speaker 1: In those ninety seconds, you're gonna want to act, You're
Speaker 1: gonna want to be angry, you're gonna want to release yourself.
Speaker 1: But if you can wait ninety seconds, if you can
Speaker 1: hold back for ninety seconds, it will change the tone
Speaker 1: of an argument. The first thing is what are we
Speaker 1: arguing about? Let's be really clear on what are we
Speaker 1: actually arguing about? Now, if you're starting an argument, if
Speaker 1: you've got an issue with something, what are you actually
Speaker 1: arguing about? And if someone else is arguing with you?
Speaker 1: Calming the situation down and asking the question, what are
Speaker 1: we actually arguing about, let's really look at that. What
Speaker 1: is your genuine issue with this? Let me understand the
Speaker 1: root of it, Let's really break it down. It's not
Speaker 1: a challenging question. It's not a condescending question. It's a
Speaker 1: clarifying question. So you're not asking them what are you
Speaker 1: arguing about? What's wrong with you? What's your issue? You're saying,
Speaker 1: I want to understand clearly what it is that I've
Speaker 1: done to upset you and what it is that I've
Speaker 1: done to make you feel this way, right, I want
Speaker 1: to understand that. That's the first step. The second step
Speaker 1: after you figured out the what, and so it's like,
Speaker 1: what are we arguing about? Because half the time we
Speaker 1: don't even know what we're arguing about, or we're arguing
Speaker 1: about a side thing and then we go, well, well,
Speaker 1: well it's not that, it's really this, and then we
Speaker 1: switch topic. Right, So let's really spend some time cooling
Speaker 1: down and figure out what are we arguing about. Before
Speaker 1: we do that, we have to figure out when and
Speaker 1: where we're going to argue. Here's the thing about debates.
Speaker 1: They're set with the time and a place your arguments needed,
Speaker 1: time and a place. Ideally, where is in a neutral place?
Speaker 1: You want to argue, in a place that feels comfortable
Speaker 1: for both of you. You're not arguing in front of
Speaker 1: the kids, you're not arguing while the TV's on. You've
Speaker 1: made a commitment to do it in a proper time
Speaker 1: and place. And the place also means it could be
Speaker 1: somewhere neutral. It could be in a park, could be
Speaker 1: you know, in your garden. It could be somewhere that
Speaker 1: feels more open. And when not when they just got
Speaker 1: back from work, not first thing in the morning, while
Speaker 1: someone's rushing to get their breakfast, not before a big
Speaker 1: meeting or presentation. Often we do that unconsciously and the
Speaker 1: other us and gets unhinged. A healthy system for an
Speaker 1: argument is first figuring out when and where you're going
Speaker 1: to choose to bring this up, and what you're choosing
Speaker 1: to bring up. Now, how is you're sitting next to
Speaker 1: each other, You're not sitting opposing each other. There's a
Speaker 1: beautiful quote by Antoine Descent Exuperre that says love does
Speaker 1: not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking
Speaker 1: outward together in the same direction. When we're looking at
Speaker 1: each other, we may look past each other, we may
Speaker 1: look against each other, we may have ideas that cross
Speaker 1: or conflict, But when we're looking in the same direction,
Speaker 1: when we're sitting next to each other, when we're on
Speaker 1: a walk together, we're already subconsciously moving in the same
Speaker 1: direction together. Arguing or debating while having a walk as
Speaker 1: we move can be healthy. So that's the when, where, how,
Speaker 1: and then the why why am I really bringing this up?
Speaker 1: Explain why you're bringing it up. Don't just argue about
Speaker 1: what you're arguing about. Explain why it affects you. And also,
Speaker 1: when you prepare to share this, that's the thing about debates.
Speaker 1: You prepare for debates when you share this, the most
Speaker 1: amazing thing is that they understand because People may not
Speaker 1: understand what your issue is, but they're more likely to
Speaker 1: understand why you have it. You may have an issue
Speaker 1: with someone not doing the dishes and they won't get
Speaker 1: it because they don't have the same why for it.
Speaker 1: But if you tell them why, they can understand yours
Speaker 1: a little bit deeper. Please communicate with why. So, how
Speaker 1: you set a system for an argument is before an
Speaker 1: argument outside you say, look, this is the system we're
Speaker 1: going to follow. We're going to figure out when and where,
Speaker 1: we're going to figure out what we're arguing about. We're
Speaker 1: going to know how we're arguing it about it, and
Speaker 1: we're going to share why we're arguing about it. And
Speaker 1: it's going to be more like a debate than an argument,
Speaker 1: because we don't want to approach it from the perspective
Speaker 1: of just shouting at each other. Now, the fourth reason
Speaker 1: we fall out of love is that the John Gottman
Speaker 1: Institute says that only nine percent of the time our
Speaker 1: couples emotionally available nine percent, which means there's ninety one
Speaker 1: percent of the time that couples are not emotionally available.
Speaker 1: It's incredible right to just not be there, to just
Speaker 1: not be present carve out time every week, once a
Speaker 1: week to have emotionally available time EA time, and that
Speaker 1: could be on a Sunday for an hour each but
Speaker 1: to really carve out that time, to not think that
Speaker 1: watching a movie together or going to dinner together is
Speaker 1: emotional availability. That's physical availability. But what people are really
Speaker 1: seeking is emotional availability, and you really want to focus
Speaker 1: on that. Number five is no division of chores and responsibilities.
Speaker 1: People get so frustrated that they default to taking care
Speaker 1: of everything that they by default have to do everything right.
Speaker 1: So you want to figure out early on who's doing
Speaker 1: the cooking, who's doing the cleaning, what's the schedule. We
Speaker 1: have to almost treat it in that way because it's
Speaker 1: so easy for things to just fall on one person.
Speaker 1: Before you take on a new task, like let's say
Speaker 1: you're renovating. Okay, before we take on renovating, who's going
Speaker 1: to take on the renovation, who's going to take on
Speaker 1: the decision making? We have to start operating somewhat like
Speaker 1: a business in those areas of our lives to avoid
Speaker 1: lack of communication. Okay, if we want to plan a vacation,
Speaker 1: who's going to plan it, who's going to book it?
Speaker 1: Let's let's plan that out before we get excited about
Speaker 1: doing these things. A number six is not addressing important
Speaker 1: issues for your partner. This is huge. If you're want
Speaker 1: of those people that knows your partner wants to get
Speaker 1: married but you don't want to and you don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about it, or you know your partner one's
Speaker 1: kids and you don't and you don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about it, make a point to talk about it. Either
Speaker 1: you're going to fall out of love or they are
Speaker 1: because you don't talk about the things that are uncomfortable
Speaker 1: to talk about. Talk about the uncomfortable things in the
Speaker 1: same way as I describe the arguments and debate. Don't
Speaker 1: avoid the elephant in the room. Right, it just gets
Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to this episode today. I think there was some
Speaker 1: incredible insights in this one today, and I hope you're
Speaker 1: going to share them, repeat them, amplify them. I am
Speaker 1: so grateful for this on purpose, community, and family. I
Speaker 1: can't wait for live events. I can't wait for meeting
Speaker 1: you all in person when I go on torn next year,
Speaker 1: when my next book comes out. I am just so
Speaker 1: excited to share this journey with you, in this life
Speaker 1: with you. I appreciate you and I'll see you soon.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I actually, actually, actually I want
Speaker 1: to read some reviews because I saw some this week
Speaker 1: that brought so much joy to my life. This is
Speaker 1: from Mark. I listened to Jay's podcast while doing my
Speaker 1: yard work. I can clean my yard while feeding my mind.
Speaker 1: I share Jay's podcast relentlessly with anyone and everyone inspired
Speaker 1: by Jay. I'm launching a business and it is on
Speaker 1: my vision board to one day beyond Jay's podcast. I
Speaker 1: love that. Please keep the inspiration flowing. Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: This is from Patricia. I'm in my early thirties and
Speaker 1: recently I've had some life changing events OCCA and I
Speaker 1: found myself in a rut. I followed Ja on social
Speaker 1: media for a few years, but I've never listened to
Speaker 1: his podcast. One morning, I was doing my hair and
Speaker 1: decided to try and be productive while doing so. It's
Speaker 1: been three weeks and I've listened to Jane's guest daily.
Speaker 1: I listened while I'm in the car or in any
Speaker 1: chance that I have. It's drastically changed my mindset and
Speaker 1: it has allowed me to take my mental health into
Speaker 1: my own hands. I feel like I am learning and growing,
Speaker 1: which is enriched my life instead of feeling stale. Keep
Speaker 1: them coming, Patricia, thank you so much. Everyone, make sure
Speaker 1: you leave a review. We're around eighteen thousand reviews. I
Speaker 1: would love to get to twenty thousand by the end
Speaker 1: of the year. If you can take a moment, it
Speaker 1: would mean the world to me. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I'll see you next week. Lee